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psychopathology, and culture</a>.", "LeBlanc VR. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">The relationship between emotions and learning in simulation-based education</a>. <em>Simulation in Healthcare</em>. 2019;14(3):137-139. doi:10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379", "Wang H, Zhao Q, Mu W, Rodriguez M, Qian M, Berger T. <a href="https://doi.org/10.2196/15797" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">The effect of shame on patients with social anxiety disorder in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy: Randomized controlled trial</a>. <em>JMIR Mental Health</em>. 2020;7(7):e15797. doi:10.2196/15797", "Dempster E. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">The economy of shame or why dance cannot fail</a>. <em>Choreography and 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She has a Master's degree in clinical psychology.</p>" tabindex="0" data-inline-tooltip="true"> <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/arlin-cuncic-3024162" rel="nocaes" data-trigger-link="true" class="mntl-attribution__item-name" tabindex="-1" >Arlin Cuncic, MA</a> <div id="mntl-author-tooltip_1-0" class="comp mntl-author-tooltip mntl-tooltip mntl-group"> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__top "> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__image-wrapper"> <div class="img-placeholder" style="padding-bottom:100.0%;"> <img data-srcset="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/iax_dnultbFliB661qKudhPacWg=/40x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 40w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/b2GFFXh4VexYuNyHs0WpQwqbMc8=/58x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 58w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/a4oynkmKbBXNATuztjfU-N1esis=/76x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 76w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/pe2T6dWGwtNoDmMpd7GuumPiz2A=/94x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 94w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/VhnseoBpK_PLcpcOR2BrD1qghCo=/112x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 112w" data-sizes="80px" data-src="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/4NmbHnuUKuJHrYxVfSk5fj73zPA=/200x200/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg" alt="Arlin Cuncic" class="lazyload mntl-author-tooltip__image" width="200" height="200" /> <noscript> <img src="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/4NmbHnuUKuJHrYxVfSk5fj73zPA=/200x200/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg" srcset="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/iax_dnultbFliB661qKudhPacWg=/40x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 40w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/b2GFFXh4VexYuNyHs0WpQwqbMc8=/58x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 58w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/a4oynkmKbBXNATuztjfU-N1esis=/76x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 76w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/pe2T6dWGwtNoDmMpd7GuumPiz2A=/94x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 94w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/VhnseoBpK_PLcpcOR2BrD1qghCo=/112x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg 112w" alt="Arlin Cuncic" width="200" height="200" class="img--noscript mntl-author-tooltip__image" /> </noscript> </div> </div> <div id="mntl-author-tooltip__name_1-0" class="comp mntl-author-tooltip__name mntl-attribution__item "> <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/arlin-cuncic-3024162" rel="nocaes" class="mntl-attribution__item-name" tabindex="0" >Arlin Cuncic, MA</a> </div> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__bio"> <p>Arlin Cuncic, MA, is the author of The Anxiety Workbook and founder of the website About Social Anxiety. She has a Master's degree in clinical psychology.</p> </div> </div> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__bottom"> <span class="mntl-author-tooltip__learn-more-text">Learn about our </span> <a href="/our-editorial-process-4778006" rel="nocaes" class="mntl-author-tooltip__learn-more-link" >editorial process</a> </div> </div></div> </div> <div class="mntl-attribution__item-date">Updated on June 28, 2023</div></div> <div id="mntl-bylines__group_2-0" class="comp mntl-bylines__group mntl-block mntl-bylines__group--wellness_reviewer "><div id="mntl-bylines__item_2-0" class="comp mntl-bylines__item mntl-attribution__item "><svg class="icon reviewer-icon mntl-attribution__item-icon" > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#reviewer-icon" href="#reviewer-icon"></use> </svg> <span id="review-descriptor-override_2-0" class="comp review-descriptor-override "><span data-tooltip="Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by mental health professionals. Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. <a class="review-descriptor-tooltip__learn-more" href="/review-board-4796494">Learn more</a>." tabindex="0" data-inline-tooltip="true"> <span class="review-descriptor-override__descriptor mntl-attribution__item-name">Reviewed</span> <div id="review-type-tooltip_2-0" class="comp review-type-tooltip review-descriptor-tooltip mntl-tooltip mntl-group"><div id="tooltip_2-0" class="comp tooltip mntl-text-block">Verywell Mind articles are reviewed by mental health professionals. Reviewers confirm the content is thorough and accurate, reflecting the latest evidence-based research. Content is reviewed before publication and upon substantial updates. <a class="review-descriptor-tooltip__learn-more" href="/review-board-4796494">Learn more</a>.</div></div></span> by </span> <div data-tooltip="<p>Steven Gans, MD is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital.</p>" tabindex="0" data-inline-tooltip="true"> <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/steven-gans-md-4779222" rel="nocaes" data-trigger-link="true" class="mntl-attribution__item-name" tabindex="-1" >Steven Gans, MD</a> <div id="mntl-author-tooltip_2-0" class="comp mntl-author-tooltip mntl-tooltip mntl-group"> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__top "> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__image-wrapper"> <div class="img-placeholder" style="padding-bottom:100.0%;"> <img data-srcset="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/ZZSik1m-ZF8wY9201oxPExMgh4s=/40x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg 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height="200" /> <noscript> <img src="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/fZ_tk7yoILxKtKtadDqryfeRKaE=/200x200/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg" srcset="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/ZZSik1m-ZF8wY9201oxPExMgh4s=/40x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg 40w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/aGlLTr_-TrMf5UlN0rq9B8zXDdI=/58x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg 58w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/p_AeTQT5v8FiKJiVPBJkA-ntc20=/76x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg 76w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/tCxNLNRzFRG4ayI4lHlw1oV_R_4=/94x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg 94w, https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/JwMFwWvj_htN7WGHxQsvjBNl5Rw=/112x0/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/steven-gans-1000-51582b7f23b6462f8713961deb74959f.jpg 112w" alt="Steven Gans" width="200" height="200" class="img--noscript mntl-author-tooltip__image" /> </noscript> </div> </div> <div id="mntl-author-tooltip__name_2-0" class="comp mntl-author-tooltip__name mntl-attribution__item "><svg class="icon reviewer-icon mntl-attribution__item-icon" > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#reviewer-icon" href="#reviewer-icon"></use> </svg> <span class="mntl-attribution__item-descriptor">Reviewed by</span> <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/steven-gans-md-4779222" rel="nocaes" class="mntl-attribution__item-name" tabindex="0" >Steven Gans, MD</a> </div> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__bio"> <p>Steven Gans, MD is board-certified in psychiatry and is an active supervisor, teacher, and mentor at Massachusetts General Hospital.</p> </div> </div> <div class="mntl-author-tooltip__bottom"> <span class="mntl-author-tooltip__learn-more-text">Learn about our </span> <a href="/review-board-4796494" rel="nocaes" class="mntl-author-tooltip__learn-more-link" >Review Board</a> </div> </div></div> </div></div> </div> <div id="social-share-container_1-0" class="comp social-share-container mntl-block"><form id="print-button_1-0" class="comp print-button" method="POST" action="/what-is-shame-5115076?print" data-tracking-container="true" target="_blank"> <button class="btn"> Print <svg class="icon icon-print text-btn-icon" > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#icon-print" href="#icon-print"></use> </svg> </button> <input type="hidden" value="true" name="print" /> <input type="hidden" value="8496c044ac0111f0fe55fe5ebbab7a8e" name="CSRFToken" /> </form></div></div></div> </div><div class="loc article-post-header"><figure id="figure-article_1-0" class="comp figure-article mntl-block lock-journey" 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id="mntl-toc__inner_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__inner mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__heading_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__heading mntl-block js-toc-toggle" data-click-tracked="true" data-desktop-bp="70em"><span id="mntl-toc__heading-text_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__heading-text mntl-text-block">Table of Contents</span> <div id="mntl-toc-toggle_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc-toggle mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc-toggle__btn_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc-toggle__btn mntl-text-block js-mntl-toc-toggle" data-click-tracked="true" data-desktop-bp="70em" data-collapsed-text="View All" data-expanded-text="View All">View All</div> <svg class="icon icon-circle-arrow icon-circle-arrow" > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#icon-circle-arrow" href="#icon-circle-arrow"></use> </svg></div> <svg class="icon icon-arrow " > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#icon-arrow" href="#icon-arrow"></use> </svg></div> <div id="mntl-toc__mobile-toggle_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__mobile-toggle mntl-block js-sticky-toggle"><span id="mntl-toc__heading-text_2-0" class="comp mntl-toc__heading-text mntl-text-block">Table of Contents</span> <svg class="icon icon-arrow " > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#icon-arrow" href="#icon-arrow"></use> </svg></div> <ul id="mntl-toc__list_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list mntl-toc__list-heading expert-content"><li id="mntl-toc__list-item_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_1-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-what-does-it-mean-to-have-shame" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_1-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">What It Means</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_2-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_2-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-what-are-the-symptoms-of-shame" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_2-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Symptoms</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_3-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_3-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-four-categories-of-shame-behavior" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_3-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Behaviors</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_4-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_4-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-types-of-shame" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_4-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Types</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_5-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_5-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-causes-of-shame" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_5-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Causes</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_6-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_6-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-impact-of-shame" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_6-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Impact</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_7-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_7-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-shame-vs-guilt" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_7-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Shame vs. Guilt</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_8-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_8-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-coping-with-shame" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_8-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Coping</span></a></div></li> <li id="mntl-toc__list-item_9-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item mntl-block"><div id="mntl-toc__list-item-heading_9-0" class="comp mntl-toc__list-item-heading mntl-block"><a href="#toc-overcoming-shame-in-the-long-term" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-toc__list-item-link_9-0" class="mntl-toc__list-item-link mntl-text-link mntl-toc__list-item-link js-mntl-toc-link" data-tracking-container="true" ><span class="link__wrapper">Overcoming Shame</span></a></div></li></ul></div></div></div></div> </div><div class="loc article-content"><div id="article__broad-video-jw_1-0" class="comp article__broad-video-jw mntl-jwplayer-broad mntl-block is-hidden" data-pixel-depth="100"><div id="mntl-jwplayer-broad__video_1-0" class="comp mntl-jwplayer-broad__video mntl-jwplayer mm-video lazyload" data-bgset data-sizes="auto"></div> <div id="mntl-jwplayer-broad__title_1-0" class="comp mntl-jwplayer-broad__title mntl-block"><div id="mntl-jwplayer-broad__title--text_1-0" class="comp mntl-jwplayer-broad__title--text mntl-text-block type--mouse"></div> <button id="mntl-jwplayer-broad__title-icon--close_1-0" class="comp mntl-jwplayer-broad__title-icon--close mntl-block type--shrew-bold" data-click-tracked="false"><span id="mntl-text-block_1-0" class="comp mntl-text-block">Close</span> <svg class="icon close-icon " > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#close-icon" href="#close-icon"></use> </svg></button></div></div> <div id="wellness-sc-page_1-0" class="comp wellness-sc-page mntl-sc-page mntl-block structured-content article-content expert-content right-rail__offset lock-journey" data-sc-sticky-offset="60" data-sc-ad-label-height="24" data-sc-ad-track-spacing="100" data-sc-min-track-height="250" data-sc-max-track-height="600" data-sc-breakpoint="50em" data-sc-load-immediate="4" data-sc-content-positions="[400, 1400, 1400, 1700, 2000, 2200, 2400, 2600, 2800]" data-bind-scroll-on-start="true"><span class="heading-toc" id="toc-what-does-it-mean-to-have-shame"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_1-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> What Does It Mean to Have Shame? </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_2-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame is a feeling of embarrassment or humiliation that arises from the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_3-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_4-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> People who experience shame usually try to hide the thing they feel ashamed of. When shame is chronic, it can involve the feeling that you are fundamentally flawed. Shame can often be hard to identify in oneself. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_5-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_6-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> While shame is a <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/embrace-negative-emotions-4158317" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">negative emotion</a>, its origins play a part in our survival as a species. Without shame, we might not feel the need to adhere to cultural norms, follow laws, or behave in a way that allows us to exist as social beings.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="5"></span> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_7-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <div id="wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway_1-0" class="comp wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway wellness-sc-block-callout-base mntl-sc-block-callout mntl-block theme-takeaway theme-takeaway" data-tracking-id="mntl-sc-block-callout" data-tracking-container="true"><div id="mntl-sc-block-callout-body_1-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block-callout-body mntl-text-block expert-content"><p>Since we want to be accepted, shame is an evolutionary tool that keeps us all in check. </p></div></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_10-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> When Does Shame Become Harmful? </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_11-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame can be problematic when it becomes internalized and results in an overly harsh evaluation of oneself as a whole person. This inner critic might tell you that <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/are-you-a-bad-person-why-you-might-feel-this-way-5221569" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">you are a bad person</a>, worthless, or have no value. The truth is, how deeply you feel ashamed often has little to do with your worth or what you have done wrong. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_12-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_13-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Other common concepts that overlap with shame include <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/fear-of-embarrassment-can-literally-kill-you-friday-fix-the-verywell-mind-podcast-5225976" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">embarrassment</a>, humiliation, and <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/guilt-complex-definition-symptoms-traits-causes-treatment-5115946" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="2">guilt</a>. However, these different terms have nuances in meaning that are important to know to better understand shame. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_14-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-what-are-the-symptoms-of-shame"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_15-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> What Are the Symptoms of Shame? </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_16-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Are you wondering whether you might be experiencing shame? Below is a list of self-defeating shame reactions according to psychiatrist Peter Breggin in his book <em>Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety</em>.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="2"></span> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_17-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_18-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li>Feeling sensitive or being worried about what others think of you</li> <li>Feeling unappreciated, used, or like others take advantage of you</li> <li>Feeling rejected, regretful, inadequate, or like you have little impact</li> <li>Uncontrollable <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/why-do-people-with-social-anxiety-disorder-blush-3024878" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">blushing</a>, or being afraid to look inappropriate or stupid</li> <li>Worrying that you aren’t treated with respect, or wanting to have the last word</li> <li>Feeling that you can’t be your true self, losing your identity, or not sharing your thoughts or feelings because you are afraid to be embarrassed</li> <li>Being more worried about failure than doing something immoral or dishonorable, being a <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-you-may-be-a-perfectionist-3145233" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="2">perfectionist</a></li> <li>Feeling like an outsider, that you are different or left out, or feeling suspicious and like you can’t trust others</li> <li>Being a wallflower or shrinking violet, wanting to shut people out or withdraw, trying to hide or be inconspicuous, or not wanting to be the center of attention</li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_19-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_20-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> The behaviors below are examples of things that people do when they feel shame: </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_21-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_22-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li>Looking down instead of looking people in the eye</li> <li>Keeping their head hung low, or slumping their shoulders instead of standing up straight</li> <li>Feeling frozen or unable to move</li> <li>Not being able to act spontaneously</li> <li><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-speech-impediments-6560947" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">Stuttering</a> when trying to speak or talking in an overly soft voice</li> <li>Hiding their self from others</li> <li>Crying if they feel shame or embarrassment</li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_23-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-four-categories-of-shame-behavior"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_24-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Four Categories of Shame Behavior </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_25-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> In the academic book <em>Shame,</em> published by Oxford University Press, the authors identified four categories of shame behaviors:<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="1"></span> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_26-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ol id="mntl-sc-block_27-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li>The Hot Response</li><li>Behaviors to Cope With or Conceal Shame</li><li>Safety Behaviors to Avoid Shame or Being Discovered</li><li>Behaviors to Repair Shame</li> </ol> <div id="mntl-sc-block_28-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_30-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> The Hot Response </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_31-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> These are things you do when you feel ashamed and defensive, such as lashing out in anger or attacking the other person to deflect attention from yourself. The hot response is usually an <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/impulsive-behavior-and-bpd-425483" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">impulsive reaction</a>. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_32-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_34-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Behaviors to Cope With or Conceal Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_35-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> These behaviors include doing things to make yourself feel small, trying to avoid being the center of attention, or not sharing your thoughts or feelings. Concealing yourself is a method of self-protection. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_36-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_38-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Safety Behaviors to Avoid Shame or Being Discovered </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_39-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> This category of shame behaviors might be things like apologizing, crying, or avoiding conflict. People who have a tendency toward being emotional or <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/how-do-i-get-over-my-fear-of-conflict-with-others-3024828" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">avoiding conflict</a> may be more likely to engage in safety behaviors. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_40-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_42-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Behaviors to Repair Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_43-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> These might include things like doing things to soothe yourself or apologizing to others. For example, if you forgot an important anniversary, you might tell yourself that you had a lot on your mind or engage in gestures to show that you are sorry. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_44-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-types-of-shame"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_45-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Types of Shame </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_46-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> In addition to the four broad categories of shame that have been identified, there are also many different types of shame. Below are some to consider. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_47-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_49-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Transient Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_50-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Transient shame refers to that fleeting feeling you get when you make a mistake, perhaps in a social setting. It usually passes quickly and doesn't create problems in your life. In fact, transient shame may even be beneficial by causing you to pay more attention to feedback received from others.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="6"></span> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_51-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_53-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Chronic Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_54-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Chronic shame is with you all the time and makes you feel as though <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-when-you-feel-like-you-cant-do-anything-right-5218204" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">you are not good enough</a>. This type of shame can impair your functioning and mental health. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_55-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_57-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Humiliation </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_58-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Humiliation is one of the most intense forms of shame and comes about when we are critically embarrassed about something. Often, this is felt when something happens in front of other people. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_59-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_61-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Defeat </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_62-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> We might feel shame when <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/healthy-ways-to-cope-with-failure-4163968" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">experiencing failure</a> or defeat. If you lose a sporting match that you were expecting to win, for example, you may feel shame in the loss. Or you might feel shame when you didn't get a promotion at work. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_63-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_65-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Shame Around Strangers </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_66-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame around strangers reflects a feeling that they will discover that something is wrong with you. This type of shame is common with <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/social-anxiety-disorder-tips-3024209" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">social anxiety</a>, with some studies finding that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) reduces social anxiety symptoms by reducing one's proneness to shame.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="7"></span> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_67-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_69-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> In Front of Others </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_70-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame in front of others refers to the type of shame that is experienced when one feels embarrassed in front of other people. This form of shame is linked to the feeling of humiliation. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_71-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_73-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Performance Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_74-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Feeling self-conscious about one’s performance is another type of shame. This tends to show up when <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/tips-for-managing-public-speaking-anxiety-3024336" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">public speaking</a>, as well as during musical and athletic performances. Some argue that performance shame serves as a transformational force, impacting both the "performer" and others at the event.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="8"></span> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_75-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_77-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Shame About the Self </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_78-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Feeling as though you are an <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-the-inferiority-complex-5186892" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">inferior person</a> can lead to shame about the self. This is a chronic type of shame with long-lasting effects. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_79-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_81-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Unrequited Love </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_82-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame that results from <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/unrequited-love-4175362" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1" rel="noopener noreferrer">unrequited love</a> is another type of shame. This is a feeling of not being good enough for another person. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_83-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_85-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Unwanted Exposure </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_86-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Public humiliation involves unwanted exposure and makes up another type of shame. An example would be making a mistake in public and having someone point it out. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_87-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_89-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Disappointment or Failure </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_90-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> If your expectations are not met or you fail at something, you may experience shame related to failure or disappointment. This is closely linked to shame about defeat. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_91-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_93-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Exclusion </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_94-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> If you feel as though you are being excluded from a group, not liked by the group, or that you don’t belong, you might experience shame about being left out. This type is also common in social anxiety. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_95-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <div id="wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway_2-0" class="comp wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway wellness-sc-block-callout-base mntl-sc-block-callout mntl-block theme-takeaway theme-takeaway" data-tracking-id="mntl-sc-block-callout" data-tracking-container="true"><div id="mntl-sc-block-callout-body_2-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block-callout-body mntl-text-block expert-content"><p>Exclusion and shame often co-occur in people with obesity due to <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-body-shaming-5202216" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">social stigma</a> and weight bias.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="9"></span></p></div></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_98-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Internalized Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_99-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Internalized shame refers to shame that has been turned inward. For example, those who experience <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-effects-of-childhood-trauma-4147640" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">childhood abuse</a> may experience a feeling of being unworthy or feel shame related to their abuse. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_100-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_102-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Toxic Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_103-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Toxic shame is similar to internalized shame in that it involves the notion that there is something inherently wrong with you on the inside. Toxic shame is part of your core identity rather than a transient state. People who experience toxic shame may try to present a perfect outer self to hide how they feel on the inside. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_104-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_106-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Healthy Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_107-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Finally, healthy shame can also exist. Shame can be healthy when it causes you to have humility, allows you to laugh at yourself, makes you humble, or teaches you about <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/setting-boundaries-for-stress-management-3144985" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">boundaries</a>. Without at least a little bit of shame, people would have trouble measuring the effects of their behaviors on other people. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_108-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-causes-of-shame"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_109-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Causes of Shame </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_110-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Are you wondering about what causes shame? There are a variety of potential causes of the different types of shame, some that are transient and others that might have originated in childhood. In addition, sometimes mental health concerns can create shame in and of themselves. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_111-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_112-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Let’s take a look at some of the potential causes of shame: </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_113-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_114-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li>Childhood <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/common-symptoms-after-a-traumatic-event-2797496" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">trauma</a> or <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-uninvolved-parenting-2794958" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="2">neglect</a></li> <li>Any mental health disorder that involves self-criticism or judgment (e.g., <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/treatments-for-social-anxiety-disorder-3024949" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="3">social anxiety disorder</a>)</li> <li>Not living up to overly high standards that you set for yourself</li> <li>Feeling as though your flaws or inadequacy will be revealed</li> <li>Being the victim of <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-the-different-types-of-bullying-5207717" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="4">bullying</a></li> <li>Expectations not being met or experiencing failure</li> <li>Rejection from others or the weakening of a relationship</li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_115-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_116-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> It’s important to note that infants experience shame naturally without ever learning this feeling.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="3"></span> In this way, the shame response is normal and natural. However, when it becomes extreme, it becomes a problem. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_117-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-impact-of-shame"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_118-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Impact of Shame </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_119-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> If you've experienced shame, you probably know that it can have a negative impact on your life. Below are some of the potential negative impacts you might experience because of shame: </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_120-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_121-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li>Makes you feel like you are flawed or there is something wrong with you</li> <li>Can lead to social withdrawal, especially when it is a result of public stigma<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="10"></span></li> <li>Can lead to <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/addiction-4157312" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">addictions</a> (e.g., alcohol, drugs, spending, sex)</li> <li>May cause you to become defensive and shame others in return</li> <li>May lead you to bully others if you have been bullied yourself</li> <li>May cause you to inflate your ego to hide the belief that you don’t have value (<a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-narcissistic-personality-disorder-2795446" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="2">narcissistic personality</a>)</li> <li>May lead to physical health problems</li> <li>Can be related to depression and sadness</li> <li>May leave you feeling empty, lonely, or worn out</li> <li>May lead to lowered <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/why-it-s-important-to-have-high-self-esteem-5094127" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="3">self-esteem</a></li> <li>May make it harder for you to trust other people</li> <li>May make it harder for you to be in therapy or to stop feeling as though you are being judged</li> <li>May lead to perfectionism or <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/are-you-an-overachiever-4580606" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="4">overachievement</a> to try and counteract your feelings of shame</li> <li>May cause you to engage in <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser-5184412" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="5">people pleasing</a></li> <li>May cause you to avoid talking because you are afraid to say the wrong thing</li> <li>May cause compulsive or excessive behaviors like strict dieting, overworking, excessive cleaning, or having too high of standards in general</li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_122-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_123-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> As you can see, most of the impacts of shame lead to behaviors that create a vicious cycle. You feel shame, which causes you to engage in behaviors that can lead to more feelings of shame. These behaviors can also be detrimental in and of themselves, creating potential physical or mental health problems on their own. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_124-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_126-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Shame and Mental Health </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_127-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Research has repeatedly made a connection between "proneness to shame" and psychological issues.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="4"></span> Mental health conditions associated with shame include: </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_128-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_129-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/anxiety-disorder-2510539" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">Anxiety</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-clinical-depression-1067309" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="2">Depression</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/eating-disorders-4157252" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="3">Eating disorders</a></li> <li><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/signs-of-low-self-esteem-5185978" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="4">Low self-esteem</a></li> <li>Subclinical <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-a-sociopath-380184" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="5">sociopathy</a><br></li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_130-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-shame-vs-guilt"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_131-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Shame vs. Guilt </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_132-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Before we discuss how to start feeling less shame, it’s important to consider the difference between shame and guilt. While shame is often confused with guilt, they are actually two separate things. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_133-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_134-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li><strong>Guilt</strong>: Guilt is generally about something that you have done. It refers to something you did wrong or a behavior that you feel bad about.</li><li><strong>Shame</strong>: Shame refers to something about your character or who you are as a person that you believe is unacceptable. Shame is not about doing something wrong. It is about a feeling that you have when you perceive that you are not good enough in some way.</li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_135-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <div id="wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway_3-0" class="comp wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway wellness-sc-block-callout-base mntl-sc-block-callout mntl-block theme-takeaway theme-takeaway" data-tracking-id="mntl-sc-block-callout" data-tracking-container="true"><div id="mntl-sc-block-callout-body_3-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block-callout-body mntl-text-block expert-content"><p>While guilt is about wrong actions, shame is about being wrong as a person.</p></div></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_137-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> In academic psychology, shame is associated with avoiding failure and its consequences while guilt is connected with forgiving and improving one's self, along with making amends.<span class="ql-inline-citation" data-cite="11"></span> Learning to separate your guilt from your shame is one of the first steps to feeling less shame in general. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_138-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-coping-with-shame"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_139-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Coping With Shame </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_140-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Are you wondering how to feel less shame? There are three main steps to healing your shame. The first is exploring your shame instead of avoiding it. The second is embracing your shame, and the third is achieving acceptance. Below we examine each of these steps. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_141-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_143-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Explore Your Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_144-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> The first step in moving on from your shame is to understand what it is all about. This is important because it will be impossible for you to heal from your shame if you haven’t identified it for what it is. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_145-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <div id="wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway_4-0" class="comp wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway wellness-sc-block-callout-base mntl-sc-block-callout mntl-block theme-takeaway theme-takeaway" data-tracking-id="mntl-sc-block-callout" data-tracking-container="true"><div id="mntl-sc-block-callout-body_4-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block-callout-body mntl-text-block expert-content"><p>Gaining perspective on your shame by understanding where it has come from and how it influences your current decisions (through emotional memories) can go a long way toward stopping shame from ruling your life.</p></div></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_147-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> One way to recognize your shame is to start paying attention to your emotions in different situations. When are your feelings of shame triggered? And when you feel shame, how do you react or how do you feel differently? </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_148-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_149-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> If you aren’t sure, try <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-journaling-for-stress-management-3144611" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">writing in a journal</a> about your feelings of shame. In particular, you could write about events from your past in which you felt shame or that influence you today in your feelings of shame. Write down any feelings or thoughts you have and how you reacted to that past situation. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_150-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_151-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Next, spend some time examining how past shame still influences you today in terms of current shame. What did past situations teach you about yourself? Bringing your shame into the light is a way to escape from having it cast a shadow on your current self. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_152-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_154-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Embrace Your Shame </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_155-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Now that you have identified and acknowledged your shame, it's time to work on embracing your shame. While this might feel counterintuitive, in order to heal from your feelings of shame, it is necessary to bring those feelings out from your internal world and into the light of day. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_156-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_157-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> It's natural to want to put up defenses and barriers when doing this work. Therefore, it’s important to show yourself love and acceptance and to surround yourself with people who will show you the same. You need a <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/how-and-why-you-should-create-a-safe-space-for-yourself-3144981" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">safe place</a> to belong and a group that will shower you with unconditional love. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_158-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_159-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> If you don’t already have that in your life, seek it out from friends, family, or even a support group. When doing this: </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_160-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <ul id="mntl-sc-block_161-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> <li>Remember that your love for yourself must be unconditional (without any strings) when you feel shame.</li><li>Be honest with yourself and with other people.</li><li>Don’t avoid the shame that you are feeling. Rather, talk about your feelings and share them when in the safe space that you have created.</li><li>Allow your suffering to be legitimized and normalized. This will help you gain some perspective on your shame.</li> </ul> <div id="mntl-sc-block_162-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_163-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> If you feel uncomfortable doing these things on your own, consider speaking to a psychotherapist. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_164-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <div id="wellness-sc-block-featuredlink--related_1-0" class="comp wellness-sc-block-featuredlink--related wellness-sc-block-featuredlink-base mntl-sc-block-featuredlink mntl-block related-link related-link theme-related"><a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/psychotherapy-4157172" rel="nocaes" id="mntl-sc-block-featuredlink__link_1-0" class="mntl-sc-block-featuredlink__link mntl-text-link " data-tracking-container="true" data-tracking-id="featured-link" ><span class="link__wrapper">Psychotherapy Types and Techniques </span></a></div> <div id="mntl-sc-block_166-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <h3 id="mntl-sc-block_168-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-subheading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-subheading__text"> Aim for Acceptance </span> </h3> <p id="mntl-sc-block_169-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> As you go through this process, it’s important to reexamine your beliefs and attitudes about yourself. This is the time to start rejecting the old beliefs that there is something inherently wrong with you. Instead, accept your new reality that you are acceptable and lovable just as you are. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_170-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_171-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> You will also be accepting the fact that you may make mistakes and that is okay. During this time, you may want to find a mentor or accountability partner who can help you set priorities and <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/habits-for-better-decision-making-4153045" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">make decisions</a>. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_172-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_173-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Although your own healing process is highly personal, going on the journey with another person who understands could be highly beneficial.<br/> </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_174-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <span class="heading-toc" id="toc-overcoming-shame-in-the-long-term"></span><h2 id="mntl-sc-block_175-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block wellness-sc-block-heading mntl-sc-block-heading"> <span class="mntl-sc-block-heading__text"> Overcoming Shame in the Long-Term </span> </h2> <p id="mntl-sc-block_176-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame is a complex human emotion that can have multiple causes or triggers and that requires attention and acceptance in order to overcome. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_177-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_178-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Depending on your type of shame, you may find it easier to speak to a professional about your feelings rather than trying to overcome shame on your own. In addition, if you have other mental health concerns, <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/best-online-therapy-4691206" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">a mental health professional</a> can help you with those at the same time.  </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_179-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <div id="wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway_5-0" class="comp wellness-sc-block-callout--takeaway wellness-sc-block-callout-base mntl-sc-block-callout mntl-block theme-takeaway theme-takeaway" data-tracking-id="mntl-sc-block-callout" data-tracking-container="true"><div id="mntl-sc-block-callout-body_5-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block-callout-body mntl-text-block expert-content"><p>Shame is not about who you are as a person (e.g., whether you are good or bad). Shame is an internalized experience about yourself, some aspect of your character, or how someone has treated you (and, in turn, how it made you feel about yourself).</p></div></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_181-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> Shame does not need to continue to be what determines how you view yourself. In fact, you can choose to identify and embrace your shame, then move on from it. For example, if you were abandoned as a child, you may feel shame that your parent did not want to stay. In that case, it is better for you to identify that shame and let it go than to hold on to it. </p> <div id="mntl-sc-block_182-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-adslot mntl-block"></div> <p id="mntl-sc-block_183-0" class="comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html"> By the same token, if you feel shame about some particular aspect of your character or something that others have judged you for, you probably need a good dose of <a href="https://www.verywellmind.com/ways-to-practice-self-love-5667417" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="internalLink" data-ordinal="1">healthy self love</a>. You don’t need to change yourself or your character to be a worthwhile person. Once you accept yourself, you will feel less shame and be able to move forward. </p></div> <div id="post-article_1-0" class="comp post-article mntl-block"><div id="sources_1-0" class="comp sources mntl-block"><div id="mntl-article-sources_1-0" class="comp mntl-article-sources mntl-expandable-block" data-scroll-offset="70"><div class="loc toggle-content"><div id="mntl-article-sources__wrapper_1-0" class="comp mntl-article-sources__wrapper mntl-block" data-click-tracked="true" tabindex="0"><span id="mntl-article-sources__heading_1-0" class="comp mntl-article-sources__heading mntl-text-block">11 Sources</span> <svg class="icon show-icon " > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#show-icon" href="#show-icon"></use> </svg> <svg class="icon hide-icon " > <use xmlns:xlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" xlink:href="#hide-icon" href="#hide-icon"></use> </svg></div> </div><div class="loc expandable-content"><div id="source-guidelines_1-0" class="comp source-guidelines mntl-text-block">Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our <a href=/our-editorial-process-4778006>editorial process</a> to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.</div> <div id="mntl-article-sources__citation-sources_1-0" class="comp mntl-article-sources__citation-sources mntl-citation-sources mntl-sources" data-tracking-container="true"> <ol class="mntl-sources__content"> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-5"><p>Cibich M, Woodyatt L, Wenzel M. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12263" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Moving beyond "shame is bad": How a functional emotion <em>can</em> become problematic</a>. <em>Soc Personal Psychol Compass</em>. 2016;10(9):471-483. doi:10.1111/spc3.12263</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-2"><p>Breggin P. <a href="https://rowman.com/ISBN/9781616141493/Guilt-Shame-and-Anxiety-Understanding-and-Overcoming-Negative-Emotions" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Guilt, Shame, and Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions</a>.</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-1"><p>Gilbert P, Andrews B. <a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1999-02191-000" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Shame: Interpersonal behavior, psychopathology, and culture</a>.</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-6"><p>LeBlanc VR. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">The relationship between emotions and learning in simulation-based education</a>. <em>Simulation in Healthcare</em>. 2019;14(3):137-139. doi:10.1097/SIH.0000000000000379</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-7"><p>Wang H, Zhao Q, Mu W, Rodriguez M, Qian M, Berger T. <a href="https://doi.org/10.2196/15797" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">The effect of shame on patients with social anxiety disorder in internet-based cognitive behavioral therapy: Randomized controlled trial</a>. <em>JMIR Mental Health</em>. 2020;7(7):e15797. doi:10.2196/15797</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-8"><p>Dempster E. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">The economy of shame or why dance cannot fail</a>. <em>Choreography and Corporeality</em>. 2016. doi:10.1057/978-1-137-54653-1_10</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-9"><p>Westermann S, Rief W, Euteneuer F, Kohlman S. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eatbeh.2015.01.001" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Social exclusion and shame in obesity</a>. <em>Eat Behav</em>. 2015;17:74-6. doi:10.1016/j.eatbeh.2015.01.001</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-3"><p>Bolton J. <a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-zesty-self/200905/what-we-get-wrong-about-shame" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">What We Get Wrong About Shame</a>.</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-10"><p>Schibalski JV, Müller, M, Ajdacic-Gross V, et al. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1016/j.comppsych.2017.02.001" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Stigma-related stress, shame and avoidant coping reactions among members of the general population with elevated symptom levels</a>. <em>Comprehen Psychiatry</em>. 2017;74:224-230. doi:10.1016.j.comppsych.2017.02.001</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-4"><p>American Psychological Association. <a href="https://dictionary.apa.org/shame" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Shame</a>.</p></li> <li class="mntl-sources__source" id="citation-11"><p>Leach CW. <a href="https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2" data-component="link" data-source="inlineLink" data-type="externalLink" data-ordinal="1">Understanding shame and guilt</a>. <em>Handbook of the Psychology of Self-Forgiveness</em>. 2017:17-28. doi:10.1007/978-3-319-60573-9_2</p></li> </ol> </div> </div></div></div> <div id="author-bio_1-0" class="comp author-bio "> <div class="loc author-bio__image"><img data-src="https://www.verywellmind.com/thmb/rteYxHeAp4AlLuOxTH_Qtd92OQc=/144x144/filters:no_upscale():max_bytes(150000):strip_icc()/ArlinCuncic_1000-21af8749d2144aa0b0491c29319591c4.jpg" width="144" height="144" alt="Arlin Cuncic" class="lazyload universal-image__image" data-expand="300" /> <noscript> <img 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