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data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/your-money" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Money</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_your-money" aria-label="Show Your Money sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_your-money"><li class="subsection-item" 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data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/property" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Property</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_property" aria-label="Show Property sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_property"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/property/residential" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Residential</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/property/commercial-property" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Commercial Property</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/property/interiors" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Interiors</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/food" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Food</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_food" aria-label="Show Food sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_food"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/food/drink" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Drink</a></li><li class="subsection-item" 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viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_health"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-family" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Family</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-fitness" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Fitness</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-wellness" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Wellness</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-fitness/get-running" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Get Running</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Life & Style</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_life-style" aria-label="Show Life & Style sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_life-style"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/fashion" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Fashion</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/tags/beauty/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Beauty</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/fine-art-antiques" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Fine Art & Antiques</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/gardening" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Gardening</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/people" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">People</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/travel" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Travel</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/culture" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Culture</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_culture" aria-label="Show Culture sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_culture"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/art" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Art</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/books" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Books</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/film" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Film</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/music" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Music</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/stage" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Stage</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/tv-radio" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">TV & Radio</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/environment" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Environment</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_environment" aria-label="Show Environment sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_environment"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/environment/climate-crisis" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Climate Crisis</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/technology" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Technology</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_technology" aria-label="Show Technology sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_technology"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/big-tech" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Big Tech</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/consumer-tech" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Consumer Tech</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/data-security" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Data & Security</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/gaming" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Gaming</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/science" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Science</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_science" aria-label="Show Science sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_science"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/science/space" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Space</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/media" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Media</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/abroad" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Abroad</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/obituaries" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Obituaries</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/transport" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Transport</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/motors" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Motors</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_motors" aria-label="Show Motors sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_motors"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/motors/car-reviews/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Car Reviews</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/listen/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Listen</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack 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data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><div class="c-stack b-it-right-rail-advanced__main-interior-item-1" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><div class="b-full-author-bio"><figure class="c-media-item"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="Ross O'Carroll-Kelly" class="c-image" loading="lazy" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/https%3A%2F%2Fs3.amazonaws.com%2Farc-authors%2Firishtimes%2Fae88b965-43f0-4844-8f25-cd93be8ea9eb.png?smart=true&auth=a7f82c79c21dbf8dae2dc8d82177c7652492ca171ebcd4c9e57ededf184299d4&width=180&height=180" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/https%3A%2F%2Fs3.amazonaws.com%2Farc-authors%2Firishtimes%2Fae88b965-43f0-4844-8f25-cd93be8ea9eb.png?smart=true&auth=a7f82c79c21dbf8dae2dc8d82177c7652492ca171ebcd4c9e57ededf184299d4&width=180&height=180 180w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/https%3A%2F%2Fs3.amazonaws.com%2Farc-authors%2Firishtimes%2Fae88b965-43f0-4844-8f25-cd93be8ea9eb.png?smart=true&auth=a7f82c79c21dbf8dae2dc8d82177c7652492ca171ebcd4c9e57ededf184299d4&width=360&height=360 360w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/https%3A%2F%2Fs3.amazonaws.com%2Farc-authors%2Firishtimes%2Fae88b965-43f0-4844-8f25-cd93be8ea9eb.png?smart=true&auth=a7f82c79c21dbf8dae2dc8d82177c7652492ca171ebcd4c9e57ededf184299d4&width=720&height=720 720w" width="180" height="180"/></figure><div class="c-stack b-full-author-bio__text" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><div class="c-stack b-full-author-bio__identification" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><h2 class="c-heading b-full-author-bio__name">Ross O'Carroll-Kelly</h2></div><p class="c-paragraph">Ross O’Carroll-Kelly was the captain of the Castlerock College team that won the Leinster Schools Senior Cup in 1999. It’s rare that a day goes by when he doesn’t mention it. A renowned socialite, libertine and seducer, who has been described as Ireland’s most eligible married man and the greatest Irish player never to actually make it in the game, he is managing director of his father’s confidential-document disposal business, Shred Focking Everything.</p><div class="c-stack b-full-author-bio__social" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><h3 class="c-heading b-full-author-bio__social-header">Connect</h3><div class="b-full-author-bio__social-icons"><a title="Connect on Twitter" class="c-link b-full-author-bio__social-link" href="https://twitter.com/RossOCK" rel="noreferrer" target="_blank"><svg class="c-icon" width="48" height="48" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M389.2 48h70.6L305.6 224.2 487 464H345L233.7 318.6 106.5 464H35.8L200.7 275.5 26.8 48H172.4L272.9 180.9 389.2 48zM364.4 421.8h39.1L151.1 88h-42L364.4 421.8z"></path></svg><span class="visually-hidden">Opens in new window</span></a><a title="Send an email to %{authorName}" class="c-link b-full-author-bio__social-link" href="mailto:magazine@irishtimes.com" rel="noreferrer" target="_blank"><svg class="c-icon" width="48" height="48" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M502.3 190.8c3.9-3.1 9.7-.2 9.7 4.7V400c0 26.5-21.5 48-48 48H48c-26.5 0-48-21.5-48-48V195.6c0-5 5.7-7.8 9.7-4.7 22.4 17.4 52.1 39.5 154.1 113.6 21.1 15.4 56.7 47.8 92.2 47.6 35.7.3 72-32.8 92.3-47.6 102-74.1 131.6-96.3 154-113.7zM256 320c23.2.4 56.6-29.2 73.4-41.4 132.7-96.3 142.8-104.7 173.4-128.7 5.8-4.5 9.2-11.5 9.2-18.9v-19c0-26.5-21.5-48-48-48H48C21.5 64 0 85.5 0 112v19c0 7.4 3.4 14.3 9.2 18.9 30.6 23.9 40.7 32.4 173.4 128.7 16.8 12.2 50.2 41.8 73.4 41.4z"></path></svg><span class="visually-hidden">Opens in new window</span></a></div></div><div></div></div></div><div class="c-stack b-results-list__wrapper" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-havent-come-here-today-to-listen-to-you-badmouth-my-mother-the-axe-faced-old-trout/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU.jpg?focal=186%2C144&auth=d108b418cf53b4be2a9940a2ee3582ae5a4016f6df33f7c644f98b8c3a6bcd90&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU.jpg?focal=186%2C144&auth=d108b418cf53b4be2a9940a2ee3582ae5a4016f6df33f7c644f98b8c3a6bcd90&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU.jpg?focal=186%2C144&auth=d108b418cf53b4be2a9940a2ee3582ae5a4016f6df33f7c644f98b8c3a6bcd90&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-havent-come-here-today-to-listen-to-you-badmouth-my-mother-the-axe-faced-old-trout/">‘I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the axe-faced old trout’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-havent-come-here-today-to-listen-to-you-badmouth-my-mother-the-axe-faced-old-trout/"><p class="c-paragraph">I’m there, ‘I’m here to find out if I have a brother or sister out there?‘ He’s like, ‘All in good time. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet'</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-03-01T05:00:00Z">Sat Mar 01 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/my-old-dear-said-you-had-a-kid-together-well-im-its-half-brother-or-half-sister-if-its-a-girl/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/D7VDPVYLLFGIDJVFNR7TZISDH4.jpg?focal=933%2C819&auth=c3a9d0d3dcf790450f4e56e21ba02ace72d46c6181bf53b238d5578bd81702fa&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/D7VDPVYLLFGIDJVFNR7TZISDH4.jpg?focal=933%2C819&auth=c3a9d0d3dcf790450f4e56e21ba02ace72d46c6181bf53b238d5578bd81702fa&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/D7VDPVYLLFGIDJVFNR7TZISDH4.jpg?focal=933%2C819&auth=c3a9d0d3dcf790450f4e56e21ba02ace72d46c6181bf53b238d5578bd81702fa&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/my-old-dear-said-you-had-a-kid-together-well-im-its-half-brother-or-half-sister-if-its-a-girl/">‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/my-old-dear-said-you-had-a-kid-together-well-im-its-half-brother-or-half-sister-if-its-a-girl/"><p class="c-paragraph">I’m there to the guy, ‘Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, engaged to her?‘ He looks genuinely terrified</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-02-22T05:00:00Z">Sat Feb 22 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/only-cheat-with-someone-whos-married-its-the-principle-of-mutually-assured-destruction/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PHF3Z6W255E25EUUOLTZ7QO7RQ.jpg?focal=1134%2C1012&auth=ccad3fe67253eb356a6f30109e66271e659e04f876616b66e28d0a1a49501c71&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PHF3Z6W255E25EUUOLTZ7QO7RQ.jpg?focal=1134%2C1012&auth=ccad3fe67253eb356a6f30109e66271e659e04f876616b66e28d0a1a49501c71&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PHF3Z6W255E25EUUOLTZ7QO7RQ.jpg?focal=1134%2C1012&auth=ccad3fe67253eb356a6f30109e66271e659e04f876616b66e28d0a1a49501c71&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/only-cheat-with-someone-whos-married-its-the-principle-of-mutually-assured-destruction/">‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. It’s the principle of mutually assured destruction’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/only-cheat-with-someone-whos-married-its-the-principle-of-mutually-assured-destruction/"><p class="c-paragraph">It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-02-15T09:00:00Z">Sat Feb 15 2025 - 09:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-strip-down-to-my-boxers-i-can-always-drive-home-commando-wouldnt-be-the-first-time/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg?focal=1464%2C1422&auth=714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg?focal=1464%2C1422&auth=714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg?focal=1464%2C1422&auth=714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-strip-down-to-my-boxers-i-can-always-drive-home-commando-wouldnt-be-the-first-time/">‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-strip-down-to-my-boxers-i-can-always-drive-home-commando-wouldnt-be-the-first-time/"><p class="c-paragraph">The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-02-08T05:00:00Z">Sat Feb 08 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-ronan-was-10-i-said-i-need-to-have-the-chat-with-you-about-sex-and-he-said-what-are-you-wanting-to-know-rosser/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/4LB2ZB3HB6AXGZ2WVZFORHKYTE.jpg?smart=true&auth=a47b601ea92cafadf5b46400a8001bbb5c26a73d289c2754409e6b82f741b289&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/4LB2ZB3HB6AXGZ2WVZFORHKYTE.jpg?smart=true&auth=a47b601ea92cafadf5b46400a8001bbb5c26a73d289c2754409e6b82f741b289&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/4LB2ZB3HB6AXGZ2WVZFORHKYTE.jpg?smart=true&auth=a47b601ea92cafadf5b46400a8001bbb5c26a73d289c2754409e6b82f741b289&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-ronan-was-10-i-said-i-need-to-have-the-chat-with-you-about-sex-and-he-said-what-are-you-wanting-to-know-rosser/">When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-ronan-was-10-i-said-i-need-to-have-the-chat-with-you-about-sex-and-he-said-what-are-you-wanting-to-know-rosser/"><p class="c-paragraph">On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-02-01T05:00:00Z">Sat Feb 01 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-dude-goes-the-famous-rosser-what-looking-me-over-like-im-a-buffet-item-gone-cold/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/5FMD327V6BAWBF3HKRS23EE4TE.jpg?smart=true&auth=0af7614a1e0efbd144442291a111f7bb296512e37e86c0ffc7cd3dd58c145799&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/5FMD327V6BAWBF3HKRS23EE4TE.jpg?smart=true&auth=0af7614a1e0efbd144442291a111f7bb296512e37e86c0ffc7cd3dd58c145799&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/5FMD327V6BAWBF3HKRS23EE4TE.jpg?smart=true&auth=0af7614a1e0efbd144442291a111f7bb296512e37e86c0ffc7cd3dd58c145799&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-dude-goes-the-famous-rosser-what-looking-me-over-like-im-a-buffet-item-gone-cold/">The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-dude-goes-the-famous-rosser-what-looking-me-over-like-im-a-buffet-item-gone-cold/"><p class="c-paragraph">Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-01-25T05:00:00Z">Sat Jan 25 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-you-wouldnt-last-one-day-as-a-girl-honor-tells-me/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME.jpg?focal=862%2C616&auth=4df7010b0f7f8aa6338f41d1d6323edd485ecf67fd88a110b4d407fd86b41547&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME.jpg?focal=862%2C616&auth=4df7010b0f7f8aa6338f41d1d6323edd485ecf67fd88a110b4d407fd86b41547&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME.jpg?focal=862%2C616&auth=4df7010b0f7f8aa6338f41d1d6323edd485ecf67fd88a110b4d407fd86b41547&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-you-wouldnt-last-one-day-as-a-girl-honor-tells-me/">‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-you-wouldnt-last-one-day-as-a-girl-honor-tells-me/"><p class="c-paragraph">As I greet her at arrivals after her trip to St Moritz, it’s clear from her face that things haven’t gone well</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-01-18T05:00:00Z">Sat Jan 18 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/youre-both-loved-and-feared-honor-and-im-so-proud/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg?focal=1217%2C633&auth=939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg?focal=1217%2C633&auth=939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg?focal=1217%2C633&auth=939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/youre-both-loved-and-feared-honor-and-im-so-proud/">‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/youre-both-loved-and-feared-honor-and-im-so-proud/"><p class="c-paragraph">As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-01-11T05:00:00Z">Sat Jan 11 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-why-do-you-want-to-go-disinterring-the-past-ross/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/UKRD7O3D5BCYHOKEDV5SUKFND4.jpg?smart=true&auth=1499c9e8a7d7662c81dc6f277acb8e9575af342cbd18da86f54559bcc5b6fe59&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/UKRD7O3D5BCYHOKEDV5SUKFND4.jpg?smart=true&auth=1499c9e8a7d7662c81dc6f277acb8e9575af342cbd18da86f54559bcc5b6fe59&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/UKRD7O3D5BCYHOKEDV5SUKFND4.jpg?smart=true&auth=1499c9e8a7d7662c81dc6f277acb8e9575af342cbd18da86f54559bcc5b6fe59&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-why-do-you-want-to-go-disinterring-the-past-ross/">Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-why-do-you-want-to-go-disinterring-the-past-ross/"><p class="c-paragraph">After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2025-01-04T05:00:00Z">Sat Jan 04 2025 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-is-standing-at-the-island-with-a-boning-knife-in-one-hand-and-an-espresso-in-the-other-grinning-at-us-like-a-serial-killer/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/MU6PAPIFUNFBRC2IOULHD7JFZE.jpg?focal=954%2C725&auth=047aedb556dfdb9296322a2aed6d9f244d62067829641fc1dc56e4a0a9499d76&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/MU6PAPIFUNFBRC2IOULHD7JFZE.jpg?focal=954%2C725&auth=047aedb556dfdb9296322a2aed6d9f244d62067829641fc1dc56e4a0a9499d76&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/MU6PAPIFUNFBRC2IOULHD7JFZE.jpg?focal=954%2C725&auth=047aedb556dfdb9296322a2aed6d9f244d62067829641fc1dc56e4a0a9499d76&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-is-standing-at-the-island-with-a-boning-knife-in-one-hand-and-an-espresso-in-the-other-grinning-at-us-like-a-serial-killer/">Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-is-standing-at-the-island-with-a-boning-knife-in-one-hand-and-an-espresso-in-the-other-grinning-at-us-like-a-serial-killer/"><p class="c-paragraph">She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2024-12-21T05:00:00Z">Sat Dec 21 2024 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-old-dear-goes-i-dont-want-my-vital-work-on-the-campaign-move-funderland-to-the-northside-to-die-with-me/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg?focal=1464%2C1422&auth=714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg?focal=1464%2C1422&auth=714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg?focal=1464%2C1422&auth=714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-old-dear-goes-i-dont-want-my-vital-work-on-the-campaign-move-funderland-to-the-northside-to-die-with-me/">The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-old-dear-goes-i-dont-want-my-vital-work-on-the-campaign-move-funderland-to-the-northside-to-die-with-me/"><p class="c-paragraph">Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2024-12-14T05:00:00Z">Sat Dec 14 2024 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-remember-past-ross-thinking-you-need-to-stort-being-nicer-to-future-ross-hes-a-genuinely-good-bloke/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’ " class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/AF7EEFVAEBA5XJKK2VPI2NR45I.jpg?focal=989%2C751&auth=04a2dbd6c92a3ccdc410f69c806b1bac5213fbe3d43853210124961480d2d7d3&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/AF7EEFVAEBA5XJKK2VPI2NR45I.jpg?focal=989%2C751&auth=04a2dbd6c92a3ccdc410f69c806b1bac5213fbe3d43853210124961480d2d7d3&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/AF7EEFVAEBA5XJKK2VPI2NR45I.jpg?focal=989%2C751&auth=04a2dbd6c92a3ccdc410f69c806b1bac5213fbe3d43853210124961480d2d7d3&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-remember-past-ross-thinking-you-need-to-stort-being-nicer-to-future-ross-hes-a-genuinely-good-bloke/">‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’ </a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-remember-past-ross-thinking-you-need-to-stort-being-nicer-to-future-ross-hes-a-genuinely-good-bloke/"><p class="c-paragraph">I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2024-12-07T05:00:00Z">Sat Dec 07 2024 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-im-wondering-is-climate-justice-maybe-a-bit-above-santas-pay-grade/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/2YYZ6XOJMJBTNNT5U2IPQBC6BU.jpg?focal=1302%2C975&auth=ce9515e92d72b629eb2d343932922ce35f6d8861795c81404197f0ffd8bdf691&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/2YYZ6XOJMJBTNNT5U2IPQBC6BU.jpg?focal=1302%2C975&auth=ce9515e92d72b629eb2d343932922ce35f6d8861795c81404197f0ffd8bdf691&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/2YYZ6XOJMJBTNNT5U2IPQBC6BU.jpg?focal=1302%2C975&auth=ce9515e92d72b629eb2d343932922ce35f6d8861795c81404197f0ffd8bdf691&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-im-wondering-is-climate-justice-maybe-a-bit-above-santas-pay-grade/">‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-im-wondering-is-climate-justice-maybe-a-bit-above-santas-pay-grade/"><p class="c-paragraph">Honor goes, ‘Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again’</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2024-11-30T05:00:00Z">Sat Nov 30 2024 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-goes-i-make-no-apologies-for-saying-it-honor-you-are-a-danger-to-democracy/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’ " class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg?focal=1217%2C633&auth=939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg?focal=1217%2C633&auth=939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg?focal=1217%2C633&auth=939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-goes-i-make-no-apologies-for-saying-it-honor-you-are-a-danger-to-democracy/">Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’ </a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-goes-i-make-no-apologies-for-saying-it-honor-you-are-a-danger-to-democracy/"><p class="c-paragraph">Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’</p></a><div class="c-attribution"><time class="c-date" dateTime="2024-11-23T05:00:00Z">Sat Nov 23 2024 - 05:00</time></div></div><hr class="c-divider"/><div class="b-results-list b-results-list--show-image"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-they-see-the-copper-the-triplets-think-its-about-them-gobbing-on-the-cauliflower-and-turmeric-latte-crowd-which-im-not-even-sure-is-a-crime/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’" class="c-image" loading="eager" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/2YYZ6XOJMJBTNNT5U2IPQBC6BU.jpg?focal=1302%2C975&auth=ce9515e92d72b629eb2d343932922ce35f6d8861795c81404197f0ffd8bdf691&width=500&height=333" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/2YYZ6XOJMJBTNNT5U2IPQBC6BU.jpg?focal=1302%2C975&auth=ce9515e92d72b629eb2d343932922ce35f6d8861795c81404197f0ffd8bdf691&width=250&height=166 250w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/2YYZ6XOJMJBTNNT5U2IPQBC6BU.jpg?focal=1302%2C975&auth=ce9515e92d72b629eb2d343932922ce35f6d8861795c81404197f0ffd8bdf691&width=500&height=333 500w" sizes="(min-width: 48rem) 500px, 250px" width="500" height="333"/></a></figure><h2 class="c-heading"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-they-see-the-copper-the-triplets-think-its-about-them-gobbing-on-the-cauliflower-and-turmeric-latte-crowd-which-im-not-even-sure-is-a-crime/">‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’</a></h2><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-they-see-the-copper-the-triplets-think-its-about-them-gobbing-on-the-cauliflower-and-turmeric-latte-crowd-which-im-not-even-sure-is-a-crime/"><p class="c-paragraph">There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. 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And completely devoid of human feeling, of course.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYUGX2SYFFC3VHA3XSXKUNTUB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853832},"content":"I’m there, “Careful, Dude. I haven’t come here today to listen to you badmouth my mother – the focking axe-faced old trout. I’m here to find out if I have, like, a brother or sister out there?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKLB34ZALZEOVIC46CZ6INFIZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853833},"content":"He’s like, “All in good time. I haven’t had nearly enough to drink yet.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWEMKJ5U45BH5FZRC3DQDUYAYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853834},"content":"He tries to put that right straight away. 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The last two years of school and then, well, most of the way through college.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HA23P2EYO5CKZLZTMT5KSTXHPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853838},"content":"“Oh my God, same as me and Ross!” Sorcha goes. “Although Ross was cheating on me for most of that time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3V6UEIQIEFCTHFU76FR7HWFCTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853839},"content":"Conor’s there, “Fionnuala was also a cheat.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CSNISW3XHVHN5BQXRJWJI6TZI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853840},"content":"I’m like, “Did you hear that, Sorcha?” wondering is my urge to stray genetic, in other words fock-all to do with me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DVU4AXPCRZGTZLUTSOJJU6FXQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853841},"content":"But Conor goes, “Oh, not a cheat in that sense. A cheat in the sense that she pretended to be in love with me. But that woman isn’t capable of love – either giving or receiving.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NB24A27P4NEAJKLP26ZD47L63U","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853842},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, I’ve been saying that since I was a saucepan.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IOFUQ6FRERFEJDM6AB7LOQVWTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853843},"content":"He goes, “What she <i>was</i> capable of was manipulating people into believing that she was as much in love with them as they were in love with her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z37Y5JSP55HVXKBLIX4EUGHZ7Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"67VD5QA6PNDHVKMXHL7ZFAXEDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853844},"content":"A woman’s voice calls out from the direction of the house: “Is everything all right, Conor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EL5ADUBVONEGHLV2DLG5J6XWYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853845},"content":"“That’s Abigail,” Conor goes. “She knows nothing about, well, you know.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2J5JLGPRFVCULF5TQL44WCG2BM","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853846},"content":"I’m like, “My brother slash sister?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVYM5OYZTFCWXP6COT6DNQYGOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853847},"content":"He goes, “Yes, everything’s fine, darling!” to Abigail obviously, not me. And I’m suddenly wondering, is she hotter than my old dear? I wouldn’t mind a look at her – old habits die hord – except she goes back inside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"POENOTBDHRGP5AIKCVWCO7DD2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853848},"content":"Sorcha picks up the ball and goes again. She’s like, “You must have felt something for her once, Conor – if you asked her to, like, <i>marry</i> you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WATBTEKJNJHYVGKS6B4ARBQBRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853849},"content":"Sorcha is such a romantic slash sap.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6PFQLWVVN5FXDBNV4UMPHVZ2RY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853850},"content":"The dude stares into the distance like a man who’s seen terrible things and is being asked to remember them. I’ve been there. I <i>was</i> that soldier.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMPDNBSVCBAFLDPOMR74E3SNHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853851},"content":"He goes, “She even manipulated me into getting engaged. Of course, my father despised her and he made that very clear. He saw her for what she was. He used to call her The Prospector. We fell out over her. Very badly in fact. He slapped me hard across the face – it was after I bought her the ring – and told me I was a stupid boy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STS5XTKLPFCNTPFN5TL3TPVGLE","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"RL2W3JIMHJCQ7E7D56YIATGNUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853853},"content":"“Anyway, as time went on, and there was no talk of an actual wedding, Fionnuala started to become impatient. Eventually, I was presented with the ultimatum – marry me or I’m gone. I didn’t give her the reaction she was looking for and so she said that was that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YAG2PE3PA5A7HDC4HAWRLIZWAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853854},"content":"I’m there, “So are you saying she was, like, knocked up at that point?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKZR4Q5ORZHMXMSIVXQKFI5MGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853855},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Ross!” because I’d have more of a <i>direct </i>style than her?","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z6A3EW6HT5G7XOMG6RCNZ7EFAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853856},"content":"I’m like, “Hey, I’m entitled to ask the question.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWIWT2R2X5AWZCWV3GEXU33Z7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853857},"content":"Conor goes, “A few weeks later, I had a letter from her. She said she was pregnant. She said, ‘You will never, ever get to meet your child.’ Of course, I didn’t know whether or not to believe her. She was capable of saying or doing anything. I considered her to be quite mad. And at that time, I was just relieved that she was out of my life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"56JGVPQFLVBVTOIO5BVCT3RKGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853858},"content":"I’m there, “So, like, <i>was</i> it true?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EWEHE45W3ZFGRFZVQJFUHK5LVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853859},"content":"He goes, “About 10 years ago, I received a letter from a chap in America, who’d been given up for adoption as a baby and had hired a private investigator to try to trace his birth father. He asked me to take a DNA test. And, yes, it turned out that he was in fact my son.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFX2R4WNSNCSDAJFIVRUORGS4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853860},"content":"Sorcha puts her hand on top of mine and goes, “Oh my God! Oh! My <i>actual</i>? God!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PFYYCJBP5FEBLGBMKRUV2KXDNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853861},"content":"I’m there, “So it was a dude? I have, like, a brother?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MD3E2ZZKFVDJ5NAA2JF3SH5VFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853862},"content":"“Yes,” he goes, “you have a brother. Well, <i>half</i>-brother. I am most certainly not<i> your </i>father.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VUR6WJPXZBG2HBMJBKRPUGYPIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853863},"content":"If that’s a dig at me, I choose to ignore it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LEKRN7KS3BAPTE6Y6MGLEEECDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853864},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “So what’s his name, Conor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"45UPUVCXMRE5DFO4PYOADU7TDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853865},"content":"And he’s there, “His name is Brett.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N4IRO3WIDVHJFAPWVWNIYHLPQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853866},"content":"I’m like, “Brett? And whereabouts in the States can I find him?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PFK3OSDE3NH7FATT6WLMBFICME","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853867},"content":"He goes, “I don’t wish to say at this point.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZP2LRO5BERGXNAB45JQRTUPTUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853868},"content":"“Suit yourself,” I go, standing up. “I’ll just hire a private investigator myself. There can’t be that many Bretts in the States.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TVTRWFOQDRE2RODAZ46E6L33KI","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853869},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Sit down, Ross,” which is what I then do.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MNOFTMDENBBT3MNYBOKA756ZBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853870},"content":"Conor goes, “I can’t give you his details. I mean, it wouldn’t be fair.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFNLXKWQ6VE7LDPUMRZFW6UYNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853871},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Conor, Ross is entitled to know his brother.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TBNQIE5ZYJACZBZSU6DOQIY56Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853872},"content":"The dude goes, “I understand that. But I can’t share his details with you without checking with him first.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WJGR46KMSREYFPZNNKCMCHMK2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853873},"content":"I’m there, “Well, send him a text there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V4P22GZCEBEJRIOSRBMF7JEHY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853874},"content":"He goes, “I can’t do that. Not with you sitting there. I shall contact him by letter–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJHOMO2UPJHIBEZBAMKHUXHRUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853875},"content":"I’m like, “Letter? The fock <i>is</i> this – the 17th century?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KBPHZ6JQOBAOTPBDA26HZDQGDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853876},"content":"He’s there, “And I shall ask him if he wishes to have contact with you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RHAQAIZ5YBHNDMCTFHXLKERW3Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5NVN3LAZNVCCPLPJSUAZ2EK5AY","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853877},"content":"I’m like, “Er, why <i>wouldn’t</i> he wish to have contact with me?” and I feel like nearly decking the dude.","type":"text"},{"_id":"COIPZ4YZLVCOBIADHBS5KCSHAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853878},"content":"He’s there, “Perhaps he doesn’t want to go disinterring the past.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4S7H4OEI6VACHGOABQELMLJCA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853879},"content":"I’m like, “Hey, like Sorcha said, he’s my flesh and blood.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKKOMQ7WPFFGPD63ZB75KK5OBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853880},"content":"He goes, “One thing I would say to you is that Brett is very content in his life right now. The last thing he needs is someone going over there and turning everything upside-down. Do you understand me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PSA7HHTV3ZHW5H762TONZAJUXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853881},"content":"I’m there, “Whatever.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7OGJTGDZ4RHWPHQBYGWDSYJXC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853882},"content":"But Sorcha goes, “Yes, Conor, we fully, fully appreciate what you’re saying.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SAP66XZVCZFDLKRLWR5LCIHUZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853883},"content":"He’s like, “Like I said, I shall write to him this evening.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2Z3TTMKTF5HRFGPDRV6TIIBUAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853884},"content":"I’m there, “<i>Write</i> to him – fock’s sake.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VZI7ER7KTFHTVM3ZELTBY7SRVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1740742853885},"content":"“And now,” he goes, “if you don’t mind – and please don’t take this personally – I would like the two of you to leave.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"I’m there, ‘I’m here to find out if I have a brother or sister out there?‘ He’s like, ‘All in good time. 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Although I don’t tell her that.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWZ7IJJJ2RBDFOZEVDAVAFNTLA","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I needed, em, something from the shop.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6FUHYJKLZZADNEEWNDWNP5UBVQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Ross, the shop is, like, 50 yords away. Why did you take the cor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJYXUCKF5FF3VEPUT3WQF7UGEQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Just to warn you, Sorcha, my mobile reception isn’t great today for some reason.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4DZLD4D6ORFHBPYHOSOGH56QUM","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s there, “Hang on, I’m looking at you here on Find My iPhone. Oh my God, you’re in Vilamoura.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QCDLR3FU5EDHEIEPO35IE5O7U","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I’m going to have to hang up on you,” I go. “I’m only getting every second word.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3CVKQDWRSFCSHCG36CSYFW2K24","additional_properties":{},"content":"So then – yeah, no – I do hang up on her and switch my phone to silent. I can’t tell her what I’m about to do in case she tries to talk me out of it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C7J5OL2525HSRDV52TT7ZXUCUQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"The satnav tells me that I’m four minutes away from the address – the one I found rooting through the old dear’s, I want to say, <i>personal </i>effects?","type":"text"},{"_id":"G5O6J4FINFEFDET2BN3SUMFFGY","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’ve literally no idea what I’m going to say here. I decide to just wing it, like I did with the Oral Irish back in the day, minus the flirting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SFMDI7OMHFCMDFCPCORXP2HSDM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I pull up outside the gaff and it’s ginormous. Yeah, no, I heard the dude had money. Not our family’s kind of money – money made from the corruption of the planning process in the name of naked avarice and I’m quoting from the findings of the Mahon tribunal here. I’m talking about money that had been in the dude’s family for, like, generations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OU3ZXFGAMNEDLJL63SKO5EZ7W4","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"POF24U6RAJAMXNEH6OYSRRWT6U","additional_properties":{},"content":"I get out of the cor and I approach the electric gates, which just so happen to be closed. There’s, like, an intercom thing on the wall and I’m just about to press the button when the things open and out walk two women, who I’m guessing are the dude’s cleaners.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SMDN2Q4BTFBNLMKY6EEZ2G3E34","additional_properties":{},"content":"They both smile at me. I’ve been sitting in the sun for the best port of a week and I’ve always looked well with a Peter Pan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K4D4OLQPEJH3ZOMTTN5R3YI4SM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I raise one eyebrow and I go, “Ladies!” and one of them says something to the other one in the local lingo, then they both burst out laughing. They’re making it pretty obvious that they’re into me in a major way, but for once in my life I don’t follow through on it. I’m on a mission here.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MQNSGYIMM5GPLHFPLCD6PQWCGE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I slip through the gates just as they’re closing and I walk up to the front door. I press the bell once. When no one answers, I press it again. A few seconds later, an elderly dude pulls open the door and goes, “You forgot to dust the armoire, you stupid f***ing–” and then he cops <i>me</i> standing there. He’s like, “Who the hell are you? I don’t keep any money in the house, so you’re wasting your time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NULW2L2O2ZDHLJNUGLKPQLZGIE","additional_properties":{},"content":"He’s definitely my old dear’s type. It’s a wonder they ever broke up.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YY5ST2P2ZVEUNA4XECLOTTUNPU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not here to rob you. Or to dust your whatever-you-said. Are you Conor Hession?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FFKGGF5MYNCJPA4FUI3CJ7IPSE","additional_properties":{},"content":"He goes, “Depends who’s asking.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFZEJG7TFNH35GWZ6YXLGCJLSM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “The name’s Ross O’Carroll-Kelly.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2EZ6DO5FYBDZFPVOOAKXYWVOMQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"He goes, “I’ve never heard of you,” clearly not a Leinster schools rugby of the late 1990s trivia nerd.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NMJJPSFGENFH3CLML6NTUSAEDI","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “You had a thing with my old dear – even though the thought of it turns my stomach – before she met my old man.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5HZTNLYVUNB2NJUBWPV4Y3DYFA","additional_properties":{},"content":"He takes a step backwards like a man who’s realised that he’s about to be served a writ. He goes, “You don’t mean–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W76YFCDBLJFUVD4AL3YPZB53UA","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, <i>engaged</i> to her?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ET4LFJCOYZEKZG2IJSBUXEBR3A","additional_properties":{},"content":"He looks genuinely, genuinely terrified.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QQPYIG7KIBHE5LESPWMF3N6DLM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “She said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. Or half-sister if it’s a girl.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T5LYXKM5YFGCDJHZRDPCS5PLQM","additional_properties":{},"content":"He goes, “You’d better come in,” and he opens the door to let me inside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IBEFLNPHLBGSFOYY4CNYC6RT2E","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"2JJROIJ4GZAA5ME72UITAZ4UJI","additional_properties":{},"content":"I step into this humungous, morble hallway and I’m like, “I’m sorry to just crash in on you like this,” hearing my voice echo off the walls. “We’re spending the week in obviously Quints.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZPTZNZ56NBCZTCVKP7MJE3B5Y4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Except when I turn around, the dude has gone out through the front door and pulled it closed behind him. By the time I get it open again, he’s sitting in the driver’s seat of a white Porsche Cayenne with the doors locked.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HZJA5GKWHVG4PDJZRRQISEHF4U","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m suddenly banging on the window, going, “I need to know the truth.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KVCD4RV3YBAGZOJ2XF57MIAHWY","additional_properties":{},"content":"He’s like, “Go away! Please!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IOVOUWWSKBDSTKHEANU6DRVPSQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Suddenly, the cor storts up. He floors the accelerator and tears towards the electric gates, which are opening slowly. He just about makes it through the gap.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OULL5E7FKBE5TFKKDLHWDRUAQM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I set off after him. Not being up on his schools rugby history, he knows little or nothing about my acceleration from a standing stort, and he’s shocked when he pulls up in traffic to find me pulling at the handle of the driver’s door.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZQLQ5324XZF6TMXXPPV6SXRS5I","additional_properties":{},"content":"He’s like, “I have nothing to say! I have nothing to say about that woman!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCIBRLEP4JGZFKY5VXJVWELU5A","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, she can’t hurt you any more! She’s in a nursing home!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJBPG5F7DVFQRHR4RXICSABPJU","additional_properties":{},"content":"He goes, “Please! Leave me be!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HUFXM6VXI5EE5N4TMYJIFJHGR4","additional_properties":{},"content":"The traffic in front of him clears and I know what he’s about to do next, so I throw myself across the bonnet of his cor, except he still puts his foot to the metal, and suddenly he’s flying through the streets of Vilamoura with me holding on to his windscreen wipers for dear life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GF5GYFVBM5DBBF3SX6I4YYWBJ4","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m going, “Stop the cor! Stop the focking cor!” but he’s got this look of, like, fear in his eyes. I’m also, like, blocking his view of the road, so it’s no surprise 60 seconds later when he ends up driving into a Stop sign, wrapping the Cayenne around the pole and sending me hurtling through the air.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMPFOSJMPBEXFK37MBOZF7YWCI","additional_properties":{},"content":"Thanks to my – again – rugby training, I know how to land without hurting myself. My eyes are closed and the next thing I hear is a woman’s screams – not any woman either. It’s Sorcha. I must delete that Find My iPhone app.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XYPMVZOWOVFALGO3KDIOXCPWDM","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s going, “Ross? Ross!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EDNLMA6LTVFMTFXNEHWP5LOLKY","additional_properties":{},"content":"Then I hear a man’s voice – Conor Hession’s – going, “Is he okay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYWLFUUATZBOFNA46FFRNZJYXI","additional_properties":{},"content":"Sorcha turns on him. She’s like, “What were you thinking? You could have focking killed him!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VPPYXIHBPVCXTI2XSLY5R6MCQY","additional_properties":{},"content":"I open my eyes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FTKIFEZCTVDIVLBR3PGLY3TR7U","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Please, I need to know. Do I have a brother or sister?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WYYEUHX5BFFAPP4IXWXXV6M4PA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “A brother or sister? That’s, like, oh my God!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUBSSKPIJJELRPU43S6Z7QGVFE","additional_properties":{},"content":"And the dude goes, “Come back to the house. I’ll tell you everything.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"I’m there to the guy, ‘Fionnuala O’Carroll. You were, like, engaged to her?‘ He looks genuinely terrified"},"display_date":"2025-02-22T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My old dear said you had a kid together. Well, I’m its half-brother. 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Twenty-seven Valentine’s Days. Who would have bet on that? Cheers, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDDBOU6XSNH75KWK6LIU7L4HXM","additional_properties":{},"content":"We clink glasses. Then she goes, “Can I ask you a random question?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JJTXAMFUBJAKHMZ6FRGJBNTLVA","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Errr–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VODTBTTSP5HVVKEPSBFINRKSKU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Do you ever think about maybe, I don’t know, spicing up our relationship a bit?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NIJX2KPJIZAK7JMP2BRJADXVIY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“In terms of?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLHRACQOOFDA7GEM3PQAG7XDW4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Well, Garret and Claire from Bray of all places do this thing where they pretend that they’re different people.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3EPKCDF4FCX5MRYXMDGDLKWRU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Coming from Bray, I wouldn’t blame them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SI3VWID7KRHAHEM33G44IZPVNA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I mean two people having an affair, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7VI4QIHRBFBX5LBOCTHHF6PD2A","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I didn’t think you liked me having affairs.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCZQPA6INRFABFZW55QWFQETRI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I don’t like you having <i>actual</i> affairs.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HOOLMMRGMFGYJPVB7IPJVSYVVQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Noted.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G35JBATL4FFVVOX3GR3VRLF3VQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“But this is, like, make-believe? They pretend they’re two strangers who are married to other people but they’re on a date. Will we try it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2QSYHMUL5E3BIPUOSGTVFG36U","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Hey, whatever shuffles your truffles, babes.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQTYIVPZBNFK7ALSHWFW6326FU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“So how about I say my name is Alysia. I’m from Galway and I’m in Dublin for a conference on, I don’t know, <i>biodiversity</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZYFDQV4HMFCQBLDLURE2EV4X6Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yeah, no, I’m Steve Berkeley.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TEN2Z6IQIRDVPCZUD3JRP3REOQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“And what do you do for a living, Steve Berkeley?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EF4QRE43PBGQZJDAY7T4ZEWGPA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I’m a professional rugby player.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BHAB5UJGCZAQLMT67VLKOQ4WKU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I thought you might be.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KYJ2TK5JAZES3BA4LLDJWDSIHA","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"3FCAUWRXAFAZNLMWPXQC7JXFA4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Hundred caps for Ireland, record points scorer, five Grand Slams, four Heineken Cups, three Lions tours, all of which we won–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBIFKL37GJFLBHZWP2JNUKUJQY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Okay, enough with the rugby CV! So are you, like, married, Steve?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EIAFXO5GNJGFLI4HRUF5HHE3XU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Er, yeah – very much so.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SPMJG5BFB5BEJEM5N3LIPHSR5Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Oh, me too! Although my marriage has gone a bit, I don’t know, <i>stale</i> lately? So are you interested in a bit of extracurricular fun?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R5ZUEJTVRZE7HJBVKZ3HLJ7FLQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Hey, I’m always up for the extracurricular fun.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B27JL5SGWVCGBBNQRE453MWIY4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Well, I myself personally have never done anything like this before, Steve. Perhaps you can teach me how to cheat on a spouse.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TLD3FB4XK5CVRIAQDFECZUMNN4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yeah, no, the first thing I <i>would</i> say,” because I suddenly feel like I can bring a lot to this role, “is never have an affair with someone who has less to lose than you do – which is to say someone who’s single. If you’re going to cheat, do it with someone who’s married. Just in case it’s exposed. It’s known as the principle of mutually assured destruction.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DCZNZM7AIFDHNNE2RZU26JPWMU","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “Jesus, Ross,” a little bit taken aback, I think, by how effortlessly I’ve slipped into character.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VL22EOMFIBFUNFLOMB5Z2MC35Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Er, I’m Steve, remember?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FAJWACFNMBDKHI2GZQSAT22HSA","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “I’m sorry, Steve. It’s just that you sounded very like my current husband there. Continue talking.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWT3MKOMBVHBZMUPZA372M5KXM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“The next thing I would advise you to do is get a second debit cord, obviously one that isn’t linked to your joint bank account. Ideally, this cord would be under a different name – perhaps using your middle name as a first name. And remember, keep the cord topped up by handing over cash in person in the actual bank.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQOLROHDHNEA5OKSEC72E2RZ74","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Gosh, Steve, that’s very, em, clever of you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SFHZMCXIEBGHTCMUWCES363XEA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“If you’re going out on dates with your affair person, destroy all paper receipts before you go home. Don’t tell yourself that you’ll put them in the shredder later on because you’ll forget. Drop them on the spot – like a hitman with a hot gun. Tear them up and put them in the first bin you see after leaving, say, a restaurant or hotel.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IK2SNJI5FNHQ7IKZOCCAOGDUTU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Er, right.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FGXOKEGELJDZBOLIJBJ5N5JUSI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“And never, ever go to places that your wife or husband’s friends might go, which in my case is literally anywhere on the southside. So maybe stick to restaurants around Malahide, Howth, Portmornock – those kind of areas. If you’re seen by someone your wife or husband knows, pretend that you’ve never seen them before in your life. Even if they’re absolutely sure it’s you – deny, deny, deny.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AX7GOWRK3NFXLKEP7Y45NSWV4E","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Sorry, is this still us doing make-believe?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5WHUO62SD5CALAMH5UTRGBQN24","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SBUVCEYTFRHEPBV2I4PBOV3NYI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“The next thing I would say, Alysia, is get a hobby that takes you out of the house for several hours at a time. The classic one is to say you’re training for a triathlon or iron man. When the date of the event gets closer, you can always fake an injury.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y232GVNQ6VG35MO5EQO6UWOUAI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“<i>You</i> were talking about doing a triathlon–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GX2ISH2RQNDDFIFLJK5JH4X5YI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“And remember, this is a cordinal rule, if you tell one person about your affair, they will tell four other people. That’s a documented fact. And those four will tell four people too. So the moment you open your mouth, even to your best friend, you’ve lost control of what I like to call the narrative.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPUYI6XHF5HA3PIDKV3YK4PKNM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Okay, I’m not sure this is turning me on like I <i>hoped</i> it would?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOUWGU6LCRGO3PGWHFQHQB65PY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“And never use email.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NKXBD3AQ6BE7DLZM4DZKMCBNCU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“What’s wrong with email?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6SXPJQHOVZHSJOETNN4ZT3W374","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Because even if <i>you’re</i> using a private browser, there’s no guarantee that the person you’re having the affair with is. You have to keep the affair secret not only from <i>your</i> spouse but <i>their</i> spouse too.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZJQ5DBDXZDRPNG6JIL265I7CU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Okay, I’m suddenly not enjoying this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JJ7JLJEJT5BZNEXACQ5CBYEYZQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Also – and this is a rookie error that a lot of people make – do <i>not</i> invest in a second phone. Wives and husbands tend to stumble on second phones. They do that and they know straight away that you’re cheating. So use your own phone, but delete messages as you read them. Do not save any, no matter how cute they are. And never take photos – forget that the camera app was ever invented. When you’re with your wife or husband, keep your phone face down on the table, on mute, with no vibration. And if you’re going to the toilet, bring it with you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SUFTZU445JAYRN777C7EN56ONI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Jesus.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FG2EIP36UVGH3NSD7BUQZ5PZ2M","additional_properties":{},"content":"“And stay off social media. It has a nasty habit of posting your whereabouts. It’s also worth purchasing one of those apps that lets you fake your GPS location.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C2A5GVDC2ZDPTKEWI4SSI6IUAM","additional_properties":{},"content":"She suddenly loses it with me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZWPIMMLGVZH3JCMXBYX7YSRKWQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"At the top of her voice, she’s like, “Okay, Ross, enough already!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MIKAZEK3UVC6RNQ7OE5HEWDINY","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “What, are you not Alysia from Galway any more?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YOTWQ3IYHJET5MVGCRTSNYKTH4","additional_properties":{},"content":"And she goes, “No, Ross, I’m not. And Steve Berkeley, by the way, is a focking asshole – and you can tell him that from me.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"It’s Valentine’s Day (or so she tells me), and Sorcha says she wants to spice things up"},"display_date":"2025-02-15T09:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Only cheat with someone who’s married. 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Would you like to see her?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5SMXDJACVAN5D6PNRY7RCSRGM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “In a way, <i>no</i>? But I suppose that’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? So I suppose – yeah, no – lead the way.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KCFSQES6LZCCPFLODSXMPJFO2I","additional_properties":{},"content":"I walk with her from the old dear’s private ward to the actual gym.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WEA7XB5WUVCHNJ6LEQY26NB6IQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “So where are you from, Dalisay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PQWLPBOMEZDALOZU3IZERZQGBM","additional_properties":{},"content":"And she’s like, “The Philippines.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XGZJMUY6XJCNLG4SMX2GWJP2SU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’ve never heard of it. It’s possible she’s making it up. I must see if there’s a map of the actual world on the internet – we’re talking, like, <i>all</i> of it? – just to study it once and for all.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MXOWOXUDP5D27NBNFYHCFP6DGM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “And where do you tend to do your socialising?” because I’ve always had a big thing for nurses.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWRNV4EKFJBOFIHPSU7UF7HTVQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “I don’t have time to socialise.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6HDW2W65NJGHJKYWY3ZXJIVJGU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “That’s a real pity. Maybe some night, once the Six Nations is over–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ZMOK5GQ3RHFZHIM6QDJVIORUM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Here we are,” she goes and – yeah, no – I suddenly have the whiff of chlorine in my nostrils.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RY6CYWRWOFFZ7N66JM7WQ6YXS4","additional_properties":{},"content":"The old dear sees me before I see <i>her</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"HMQRK3ROBZDEFEVC2TI6QIFNTM","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Watch him, Dalisay! He’ll try to have sex with you! He tries to have sex with every woman! He’s insatiable!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N33N4E25MZGCZMCTAQZE7HIN7I","additional_properties":{},"content":"Dalisay’s there, “She’s not having one of her better days.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z5QRUL3ZHJEB3FK7QFBTJ4KJNA","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"W4IHDMXAJJDZNMJBAXTJYBC6MI","additional_properties":{},"content":"And I’m like, “No, that’s how she talks about me all the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IBNTRZWWJVH45BNXTGU7VLWA6U","additional_properties":{},"content":"I walk out on to the pool deck. The old dear is in the deep end, treading water.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SX7BT6D6PVHH3C7P3BHGCIFCBU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Hey, how the hell are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LUBRLPCRCVBEPECBC4WWE6EJEI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CNPMDDJUVFBEHMFWONFH7HJ4BQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “In? In where?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XG5XWZBIBBPPBQYDZX57W2PFA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Into the water!” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BJMVECAVF5DUHFQO6C6KVWQ2GA","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I can’t swim. You know I can’t swim.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3MPKV7WTEFEIDEBNFCDYF7H75A","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Do I?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKD4JGWVQVGUBHV7ISJYAXMTAE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Er, <i>yeah</i>? When have you <i>ever</i> seen me swim?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DUM3E5PNJER7LADLXY3LIEN54","additional_properties":{},"content":"“When we were in Portugal – surely!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EL2NA2DMZJEWBFH5PEN3D7SY64","additional_properties":{},"content":"“No, you used to lie on a sun lounger and send me in and out of the aportment to mix cocktails for you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KCEW5KIKGFCVZOFOVAN2EG7UWY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Well, get in now. If you can learn to make the perfect Dirty Mortini at – how old were you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V66HXE4CZVAZFIJNUOCVD7GAAQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Six.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SSZ4WQ2R6VDVBG3BONJNUQ7MV4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“ – then you can learn to swim at, well, whatever age you are now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OYLNSIIQ5BAPPHAATFYC4PE2CU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “I’m not here to learn how to swim. I’m here to ask you a question. I want to know if you meant what you said.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYDF66SAZNGOJDCEKFSM6EWPIE","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Ross, I don’t know what I’m saying half the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z3G6FKS2MRC5NIIXOR5R7K4SB4","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “You said that you had another kid. Before you met my old man.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EXDF6UBKDNBPJHEQNRTZH5OBCI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Just get in the water. I can’t talk to you while you’re standing above me like that. Look, I’ll swim to where it’s shallower. You take your clothes off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ULEHR2BDHBEJLNLRRTKVTSWGFU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “But I’ve no actual swimming togs with me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZPTVTXQUNFHZINM34MYHITNDY","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “Oh, you’re a prude now, are you? How many times have I walked in on you while you were going at yourself?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B2XOAMYWYBBEHJYSC625453G2M","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “The whole boundaries thing was a conversation we never had, wasn’t it?” as I stort unbuttoning my shirt. “Actually, turn around, will you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBHFOPYNLFFATK6GJFGFJE6OXU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. Wouldn’t be the first time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UEGNBCTMBEMRHAAPGZA2ZQWL4","additional_properties":{},"content":"I sit on the edge of the pool, then I sort of, like, slide my orse off it into the water. It’s warm and I suddenly feel it lapping around my neck and shoulders.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L6R3AH73RBGURFDQRD6MB5VPGE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Right, I’m in. Now are you going to tell me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKZYAAAMONBHJC6Y3Z3RQPMZRU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“No,” she goes, “I’m going to teach you how to swim!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GI3ARO2NNHQ5OOO6SJ5LSPF34","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “I don’t want to know how to swim. I just need to know if what you said was true.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWTZJV2C5VCMREOBXBPLX3LY7U","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Hold my hands.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MNXLG25IKNEERMMBWILXKXVU44","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like. “Seriously?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PLZ4IVMMTJFWJABY5VVNEKPBSI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She grabs a hold of them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XVWWIZRJTREFDLZZ3WPBYZCNH4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Now,” she goes, “I’m going to count to three and then I want you to stort kicking your legs, okay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NOXYGZHXT5BQFCIEMX6JNDQ42E","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I don’t know about this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EQZRNC5UC5GFXHPJHSXJDBFCAI","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"BWCBM7LZ65D73LHDGFEBLBLHBI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Do you trust me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G4YDDP3SXNAA7CRJWCGC7LEF6Y","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Absolutely not. Never have, never will.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VHSHD6UHXFG3BHUD5LMWDNVXGU","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “One ... two ... THREE!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DKIWNJ4NFJDTZPGTOBDJYKVUDE","additional_properties":{},"content":"And then she tugs violently on my famous guns. I end up falling forward and losing the old footing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RSMNEXYKWJF6PKUXUAS7AYL4FI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “Kick your legs, Ross! Kick them! Kick them!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7HNUHEMIZ5HHLPZS53JUFGWFHQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"Which is what I end up doing, while she walks backwards, pulling me through the water.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JRGPWRFDQZEKTGH4CAWHGJ3O5Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"“That’s it!” she goes. “Kick horder! Kick horder!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UW4KJMAJXNC4DPM4G4NHJAR5MA","additional_properties":{},"content":"I can feel myself sort of, like, rising up in the water.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NCNRMGM4MVB3JGW7KAWC72VCCM","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “That’s it! Look at you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YZKVD5MW6ZGFFNF7VUH43W4HOM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Okay, now tell me,” as my mouth fills up with water. “Do I have a brother or a sister out th–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LQYABXDSZVDAHBEGIQ4WEENKQU","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “Don’t talk while you’re swimming, Ross. You’ll swallow half the pool. Right, now I’m going to let go of your hands–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LG653QRIYNA5XPN5VSLC3HTJ3Y","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “No!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HFGHZDWNSJDKPATC7NWJSVC2JY","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “ – and I want you to use those big, strong orms of yours to power yourself through the water.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VE7ZI737EJAAJDD2Z4Y5QESKFM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Don’t let go of me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EC3ENJ3YZVA7BKB43GKVPAZMYA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Except it’s too late. She already has. And suddenly I’m thrashing at the water with – like she said, in fairness to me – my big, strong orms and I can hear her going, “You’re swimming, Ross! You’re swimming!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XPS6UKT4YRE73OIGRXXQT2GMIM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Except I’m <i>not</i>? I can suddenly feel myself sinking to the bottom and my nostrils filling with water and I’m storting to panic now, convinced that I’m going to, like, <i>drown</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"7MWP26BWWJH2NGIXCHJEFK2DVM","additional_properties":{},"content":"All of a sudden, I feel two hands grabbing at me and a few seconds later I’m pulled to the surface, then I’m lying on my back and I’m being dragged backwards through the water towards the edge of the pool.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WTWCZ55KXBDV7NI3NCFB4L53YA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Breathe!” a voice says. “You must breathe!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVZP74KMQJGFZPR6YJVEXUMBLQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I open my eyes and it ends up being Dalisay. She’s still in her nurse’s outfit, which is soaking wet, which ordinarily would be a major turn-on for me, but I’m trying to take in huge gulps of air to, like, stay alive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RTAMB3I3JFE73MZVO2TFEBDTFE","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “Visitors are not allowed in the pool.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CA4Z4SKFLNDWXEWMEZV33MMC2U","additional_properties":{},"content":"The old dear goes, “I just remembered why he couldn’t swim. His body isn’t buoyant for some strange reason.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M6DU5FCXT5AQLJI2K3JJFC4AJI","additional_properties":{},"content":"At this point, she’s out of the pool and she’s, like, towelling herself off.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4V6XRYHE4JC4RL3RC34RSJIY7E","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “You told me to get in! The only reason I came here was–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SAERBLYITZDADAEXIRN5ZONMMY","additional_properties":{},"content":"And she goes, “It was a little boy, Ross. You’ll have to speak to Conor, my former lover. He knows where to find him.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"The old dear is in the deep end, treading water. I’m like, ‘Hey, how the hell are you?’ She goes, ‘I’m wonderful, Ross! Are you getting in?'"},"display_date":"2025-02-08T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I strip down to my boxers. I can always drive home commando. 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It’s why there’s always this fascination with what I saw in her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DVCCJELMGJGLTO7HKHTTQWS4A4","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Anyone would look amazing in this company. It’s like the bor from Stor Wars.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VFROI6TUBVEZFKTHKL44WMNXSE","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Do you not think she looks, I don’t know, <i>radiant</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EAGEAOQV25CIPHY6EZFEAHGCX4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Hadn’t noticed. Wouldn’t be my type.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M3WJHAONU5HITD763L2YUWIPAY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Well, she obviously was once.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K42W3G3NZBAOLI3KE6D6LH3A3Y","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yeah, no, that was a long time ago.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XW2PSB2CSJCARGAG3RBOQVSU2A","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Do you ever think about her?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BOS3VNWIDRFILGRNWETMFWE7O4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“In terms of?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S4MPGFIATZD2RJMBBEEQSC6LNY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Well, what might have happened if, you know – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BS3TE44A35C3JFPIOXZRTKPBPU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“What, if Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara hadn’t sent her a letter denying paternity and ordering her to stay away from me and my family for the first six years of Ronan’s life?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IC7BKUIW7BA4VFJ6DFQP7TGCIM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yes, that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ET6PGKPVRBF6NPAFMB5DBADYAE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“No, I’m happy for the girl. Although I’m not denying that there’s something about seeing my exes move on with their lives that pisses me off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ME2AHQYOOZG77F6SB52BPMFH6Y","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"WTTYPQLN3BHKRD3AEAY334DHTM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“That’s a weird thing to say.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQW4RKQ6EBER3FU63YEMMGAPVE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“You did ask.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NNJAOAD4PNBAPAOHEBRAXCH3GE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Rosser,” a voice suddenly goes, “you bleaten tulip!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EODCVM65ONACJLFWYHA42TAFEI","additional_properties":{},"content":"I turn around and – yeah, no – it ends up being the man himself, home for two weeks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YXZGJTVZUBBCFJV5N6SBYUYZZE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Hey, Ro, how the hell are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DVOLH6AVOFDGTJCTGQ6K56ZJS4","additional_properties":{},"content":"He goes, “How the hell <i>orrrrrr</i> you?” doing an impression of me. “Sudeka, how’s things? You look beautiful, so you do.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IHKZR5QBPVFETPVJDY5MHJZSXI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s like, “It’s so lovely to see you, Ronan. And great that you could make it home for your mom’s engagement porty.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YB7GUE4L6JGM7CTNCUMELHYHH4","additional_properties":{},"content":"He goes, “I wouldn’t have missed it for all the muddy in the wurdled.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FUKA22APF5BPRL6TBUFHFB46GI","additional_properties":{},"content":"His Dublin accent has become even stronger since he moved to the States. He’s obviously hamming it up like Irish people do on their J1ers because the yanks think it’s cute.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WWGOMKVDSZD7RBGBA4UYGJK45I","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “So how’s college?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BF5LPQVQMBGOLMXBSXEW7MODJ4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Yeah, no, some law firm in New York is paying for him to go to Horvard.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3VNKENZNJRBG3KVXPO7XUBWP3M","additional_properties":{},"content":"He’s like, “It’s going moostard, so it is, Rosser. And what about you, are you coaching addyone?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDYXL2B6IZBEHNB72TAPXOCMPI","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “Er, kind of <i>between</i> coaching roles at the moment, Ro?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QS44HCM47NELPODZ46CQZCVR5E","additional_properties":{},"content":"“You know, me ma’s new fedda played for Beernhall.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SQYPKI4CONBJ3LLNXJTPEQFJ2Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"“We’ve been introduced.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YFQNPXOORJFHLPYUPSTYPAOCGU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Tree-hundoord-and-odd matches in the AIL, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7OUYZLGN4VBQ7OWOSAPHEUHVNI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Bornhall, though.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YZXGX4THBZEQZBBM7LD56A2EJQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“It’s a lot more matches than you ebber played.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FRGFMRCHYRDVXGCMC47E3MCLAA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I’m going to get a drink.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EICCCWR4HBFBBKRFQQSF2222NY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Get a rowund in, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TA7A453HMBFT7GE556RXUNXJTM","additional_properties":{},"content":"So – yeah, no – I tip up to the bor. Tina is standing there with the famous Anto, her brother. We exchange pleasantries. If I hadn’t swapped homes with him for two weeks in 1996, as part of Castlerock College’s well-meaning but disastrous Urban Plunge Exchange Programme, I would never have met Tina and there would be no Ronan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2FMVVQFHOFBC7GN7WPRJF6KEAQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"After a minute or two, he focks off, leaving me alone with his sister.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LIA3QFULZNEIBD5FWOJUDOKBFM","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “You look really happy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6TVTRNJZLFFSBHS2HJRDIGA5QU","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Does that bother you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"COLVMUZ63ZD5DDRFXHCQLWXKAM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“A bit. So you’re really doing it then? You’re getting married?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"76TNCGMN75HCPORKIVAPUSMPBA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I love him, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5EHVSRWFVFAVBHUOEVSW4G4FKQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“That’s a good enough reason, I suppose.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"P6K3I3SX65HDRBXJYHJDUKAWVM","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Here, Rosser, look.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EQEAC3EQIVD3RMERQXBCJK2SCQ","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"EDDMYX5VIZGFZFEXJIYXL64AXM","additional_properties":{},"content":"She’s pointing at Ronan, who’s now shooting the shit with his mates, Nudger, Stacks of Money and Buckets of Blood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HBDRVFN7U5HAXERGCPRB3XJRT4","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “We made that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MY2NP7K355ANLM7AUFOSA4XO4U","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “We did, didn’t we? I can’t believe he’s going to be 28 this year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IEMQSOSAMJBAJJW2HWIVNMPSKY","additional_properties":{},"content":"She smiles to herself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CUZYNEOK3JGXZGITVLVYRACAMQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “I’ll never forget the day you turned up at me door to meet him for the first time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R3IBYQKMYJA5HJJMOMNQGQH4IU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I was gicking myself.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4N66BWRLJ5HHHED3FSHJUITROQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“He took one look at you and he said, ‘This sham? What in the name of Jaysus were you thinking, Ma?’ Do you remember that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JZ4BB62MJFEXJNO3MPKK7O23EE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“My son’s first words? Of course I do.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LE5UTS4FXRDAJCD6ZHYJL3R2HI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“He said, ‘The fooken state of him – big fat rugby head on him.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EV3PYU36O5ECVAQYZONLIVOVEA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yeah, I said I <i>remember</i>, Tina?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XGL5D5HOZBFVJFRUB5T5F3AHKE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“And then you took him into town for the day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UP7CTEJG5GVZD3W3PRM352KJQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“To Dr Quirkey’s Good Time Emporium. He got thrown out for kicking the coin cascades to try to make the money fall. Happy days. And do you remember the time you asked me to talk to him about the birds and the bees?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6ZBE6EGJRBNBECQHO7OJ6P5UQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“What happened there?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FFFNDOJQ5BERVN6YFK44R7DUKA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Ten years old, Tina. I said to him, ‘Ro, I need to have the big chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘Game ball. What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CYSJYR6DQNFVPNC2N3S26MVWDI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She laughs, then she’s suddenly serious.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XV2UURVMIVEZLNXJV5TLNCX5CY","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “I know it was hard on you – when he moved away.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WRGDPOT7E5BSBCAWPRW7AX5NYI","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “We had to get him away from Hennessy. He corrupted my old man. I couldn’t stand by and watch him corrupt my son.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6KUUDW26ZFDNHMSWBOE6OE3RWY","additional_properties":{},"content":"“He’s making a great life for himself over there, Rosser. College. Has a girlfriend. A job waiting for him in New York. None of it would have happened without you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZTXDRPCSAZB6BDZJXPPUM4SHI4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I don’t know that that’s true.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q373FZOOCVGKXIOMINUFDLEIGE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“He says it himself – the day you knocked on our door was the luckiest day of his life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PP73SCFGOZDYPBITME5UP7TZEI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“He never says anything like that to me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ET3MFXV4WVE53GZLNMK64GSHBQ","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NFVICXGKBNERVARBJUA4Q4BXYQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"At that moment, he shouts across the bor, “Rosser, you spanner – are you getting them in or what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSXKVOLLJFFNTJ7V3BH5H44BI4","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I’ll be over in a minute.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B7QDKR6T3RDW5L5DDJ3QG3QLTA","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “He’s too cool to ever admit it to your face.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MJR3OIE3ZNGFZA6F6SQKSYIWVU","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “And what about you, Tina?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPYYG4GSPJHVRPLFRCEWUFTUBU","additional_properties":{},"content":"“What about me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YXG6BKZPUJEHBB6GLC4IDT3PLI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Do you ever wonder what might have happened between us if Hennessy hadn’t sent you those cease-and-desist letters?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6HEUFAWIQ5CIJB77V7AL2PL5OQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Are you asking me do I think <i>we’d</i> have gotten married?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F2REBQW4MFCMBA2R4GTXH65PZ4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I suppose I am. I wonder what that would have been like.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7Y7XJE2FZJHHFGVUNF47RPP4X4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Wouldn’t have lasted.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6WXFE4IJCZH3JMQO6Z56KSQ4S4","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Why do you say that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7WZKV7VPTFHU3GQBYAGWDTUNFE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Because you’d have cheated on me the same way you cheated on Sorcha. I wouldn’t have put up with it like she does.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DAO6VWQPKJD2FECQHHDM6OZVYA","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I think I still have feelings for you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IN6UU3ACZFF4NKFDX6GDDJNBQE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“You don’t, Rosser. You just want what you can’t have.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FTNYD5EOWJCNNJSD35Q32RT7DI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Three-hundred appearances in the AIL – in fairness to him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O7QUNM2ZZBF6PATHXVENMQKBLM","additional_properties":{},"content":"All of a sudden, I notice Hennessy lurching over to talk to Ronan, no doubt to try to get him to come home and work for him, doing evil.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LMEN5T7ZNFFQTKURXI6ECHIDEQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m there, “I better break this up before it becomes a thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6CJSPSM3ONGNRCHGXAZLEVR3OI","additional_properties":{},"content":"She goes, “Good idea,” then as I’m moving away from her, she’s like, “I do, Rosser. I do sometimes wonder what might have been.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S7VHXGTXH5DOXBKO7W6SQFV5B4","additional_properties":{},"content":"And for some reason, that’s all I need to hear.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LBDRKVZAVNGBXJWVZD2MMNMACA","additional_properties":{},"content":"I’m like, “Congratulations, Tina. I mean it.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’"},"display_date":"2025-02-01T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"When Ronan was 10, I said, ‘I need to have the chat with you about sex.’ And he said, ‘What are you wanting to know, Rosser?’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"4LB2ZB3HB6AXGZ2WVZFORHKYTE","auth":{"1":"a47b601ea92cafadf5b46400a8001bbb5c26a73d289c2754409e6b82f741b289"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/4LB2ZB3HB6AXGZ2WVZFORHKYTE.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":373.132,"episodeTitle":"On her wedding day, Tina tells me that Ro calls the day I knocked on their door ‘the luckiest day of his life’","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/679cf28bc4b7d8845b4a3d66.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/when-ronan-was-10-i-said-i-need-to-have-the-chat-with-you-about-sex-and-he-said-what-are-you-wanting-to-know-rosser/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"3GR67Z6MOBHN3CYM73FBT76XCU","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-dude-goes-the-famous-rosser-what-looking-me-over-like-im-a-buffet-item-gone-cold/","content_elements":[{"_id":"VHRSZXLYTNCG3NC44WD3RQ6KEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092978},"content":"So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner tonight. I dump my items on the checkout belt and make a mental note to find out if it’s her birthday, or our wedding anniversary, when all of a sudden I hear an old woman’s voice go, “Mind if I just go ahead of you there, son?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U2JUMLCFZFCFBN4W7LQUBXIAWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092979},"content":"I’m like, “Sorry, what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZOSEQ2MUQJD6TCWZQRJX2RT55Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092980},"content":"She’s suddenly standing beside me and her next step will put her ahead of me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NNRGDJKXDJEIVOMJXPKB4YAJIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092981},"content":"She’s like, “I was asking do you mind if I just skip ahead of you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OQEKBBPOXBDU3IHWZ3CUF34KC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092982},"content":"I’m there, “Er, yeah, I <i>do</i>, as a matter of fact?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYF4OXHYZZGK3MPEDLAQNJIF5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092983},"content":"She goes, “But I’ve only got two items.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2FJDGGESKBBJPD6L3D3SUTH2GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092984},"content":"Which is true. Bread and chicken pieces.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOZNY3Y3DRF4ZE6L4LFR4EW3II","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092985},"content":"I’m there, “Well, I’ve only got<i> six</i> items?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SSYYFXBE5VBGPCSJ2WUQDSLKCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092986},"content":"She’s like, “There’s no need to be like that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5S6GKX4OAJH7NBA6NC6Y7LU7IY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092987},"content":"“Like what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F3OTKCZFEFALTFLRK556J37PJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092988},"content":"“Aggressive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPXODIZ2Y5HK7NZKS7XEREEM6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092989},"content":"“I wasn’t being aggressive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CT65UE6MIBF7TK5AHOE64EIQUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092990},"content":"“You’ve never heard of letting someone with only a couple of items go ahead of you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5EIE7JWKFJD27IQXXII4R3E7DI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092991},"content":"“Yes, I have, but it’s usually in cases where you’re stuck behind someone with, like, a full trolley?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEADL3RMCNDHZB6RKTKQQPZQNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092992},"content":"The woman working on the till decides to be on <i>her</i> side then?","type":"text"},{"_id":"W6REZX5QWJB2JKEJDPXVSBWHAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092993},"content":"She’s like, “It’s common courtesy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DXPGT5DJRZGIHH4OKATWY34IVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092994},"content":"“Well,” I go, “I happen to think it’s the kind of thing that you shouldn’t just take for granted. Like all courtesies – common or not – you should wait until it’s offered.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YN65L6UA7RGXHKHDG6LITXRKTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092995},"content":"They start talking about me then like I’m not even there.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IWYUFB4USJFLVILSISHZIMQ4OY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092996},"content":"“I’d have been through there and gone,” the old woman goes, “in the time he’s been stood there arguing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MEWRLLOX55H2XEWULKLC3B5JMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092997},"content":"“Fine,” I suddenly – for some reason – go, “if you want to skip ahead, then skip ahead.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GFCT5UDKFNHUZE2H36XNLZO7RY","additional_properties":{"_id":"67D52RMMQFAGFILA4F4LV6QNMY"},"content":"‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TOZE7ZGWZZH6DMZODM6OKGUN4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092998},"content":"But the woman’s like, “Oh, no, I wouldn’t be beholden to you. You pay for your bits first – seeing as it means so much to you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K57LXSMYP5EQRHWLX2HVG566LM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376092999},"content":"“It doesn’t mean anything to me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SMQXC6JPM5DTJLUEG3FSUBAIOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093000},"content":"“Means enough for you to make a song and dance about it in front of half of Dunnes Stores.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ESNLYNJSZJACPK47DV4GFPQBNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093001},"content":"All of a sudden, some dude tips over to us. He’s, like, a big dude as well. He’s there, “Everything all right, Ma?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DNPO7VX2DVGKRK4WGD7SJY62MY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093002},"content":"She’s like, “Everything’s fine – except this man wouldn’t let me skip ahead of him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3IGC7LKSB5CQVD5I67ICNWQ5IY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093003},"content":"The dude goes, “But you’ve only the two bits – sure, it’s common courtesy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3HCHQMCRDJCZRGDP34HCNDWLNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093004},"content":"And then I hear another woman’s voice go, “Wanker! Standing there in his yachting shoes and his– Hang on, is that Rosser?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q3476QRJGJBLJEVSZJGBENROMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093005},"content":"I turn around and – yeah, no – it ends up being the famous Tina, mother of my firstborn, who I haven’t seen in, like, a couple of years. She’s like, “Howiya, Rosser?” and she gives me – in fairness to her – a lovely hug.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B4LPKV5Y2RFRPDH5GFUQPCL6PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093007},"content":"The dude laughs and goes, “So this is the famous Rosser!” and then he turns around to his old dear and goes, “Ma, this is Ronan’s oul’ fedda.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FTK25JV52JDR5DYWUXRXOWQKZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093008},"content":"She’s like, “<i>Him</i>?” like she thinks that someone like me would be incapable of fathering a child like Ro. “The head on him and the price of cabbage,” which her son seems to find hilarious.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ECKD3JOGZCTVBBX572LK7CJBU","additional_properties":{"_id":"HGWTGD5TRNAT7HLTQTYIX5IQS4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NVRBTKBTYVFDPB22OUMJHLBO3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093009},"content":"Tina goes, “Ross, this is Tom,” because – yeah, no – I heard she was doing a line with some total randomer, “and this is he’s mutter, Ann.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2XZ5HO4B6NGKBCWTYIGLXKDQOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093010},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, it’s, like – I don’t know – <i>whatever</i> to meet you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GN35AQCO65ECNIG7TJTTX4MRFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093011},"content":"The dude goes, “The famous Rosser, what?” looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RADHQ6NQERB35ERRVBQQ3Z4DRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093012},"content":"“Has he a boat?” his old dear goes. And – yeah, no – it’s a common mistake that northsiders make.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X3KNQTRJ7NEKJDIGNF6MU53KQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093014},"content":"Tina’s like, “No, he just dresses like he does, Ann.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6ZG6HCZOJFQHF4DJVYHEYSUQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093015},"content":"I’m there, “It’s a pair of shoes and a jacket. Not a major deal.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z66GO7AYCNDETFOU72XVCVV5TQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093016},"content":"Tom goes, “The famous Rosser, what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GL4BDGSBKNDZ5INMHJQQUORBGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093017},"content":"And I’m like, “What about you, Tom? What’s <i>your</i> deal? What, em–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CNRQ27HDSNDO5CYKWHGE6AEJQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093018},"content":"Tina’s there, “He’s about to ask you what school you went to. He’s obsessed.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EV7JUNS65BHDZGRTBEP6P3VPF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093019},"content":"I’m like, “No, I wasn’t.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M6Q7PWKKRREE5D4H7X23PSOXVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093020},"content":"I was, of course.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L64UDQCMKJETBPPQXYFF5JJDU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093021},"content":"I’m there, “I was going to ask, what do you do?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GFR3SAJULFAX7JL4X3HGLTSR2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093022},"content":"He goes, “I’m a fireman, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FXRDHD34XFBDTDA74VJS3NNFYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093023},"content":"And I’m like, “A <i>fireman</i>?” trying to say it like it’s a crap job. “That’s definitely random. So have you seen many fires?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EC2KF5JRLZHE3PEKG6F6GEMIGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093024},"content":"“I’ve seen a lot more fire than you’ve seen boats,” he goes. Him and Tina crack their holes laughing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WJVBQJOYABDK3PDK53IW3TN3DY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093026},"content":"Ann – again – goes, “Has he a boat?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOBU32KO2BEGLOZMTI7GBZEGG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093027},"content":"And Tom’s like, “No, it’s just the way he dresses, Ma. It’s a southside thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ARHKISQWEJD2XGW5AZM63G2WZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093028},"content":"I’m there, “Speaking of which, Tina, will you tell Ronan that I have a ticket for him for the Ireland versus England match.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3C7ZODMOTVAD3FIL4QG3FMDWI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093029},"content":"And Tom goes, “No need, Rosser. He’s going with me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASFGDTC375FWBHNQ76OCKDGZII","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093030},"content":"I’m like, “<i>You</i>?” while at the same time trying not to sound prejudiced. “What, you’re into rugby?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7DFBA27ECJBVZKMMPMDCDB6Z4M","additional_properties":{"_id":"57CZFXKI65GEZE3SXOJF7ZEI6A"},"content":"The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TNOMLR46KVG6RJHWZ5E4MAN6SU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093031},"content":"He laughs like this is a ludicrous question. He goes, “I’ve played for Barnhall for the last twenty-and-odd years.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VC5MFQR6VJFJFOY54ZNWNGSB4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093032},"content":"I’m like, “Bornhall? What school did you go to?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TVOBK6BZ2VCFJKGJQ4TWVR6IK4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093033},"content":"Tina’s there, “Told you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DI353JEZBBC7FEI6I3U7U2YQPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093034},"content":"He goes, “What does it mathor what school I went to?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FREQ2I7YCRDVTHXR6MTIDARMPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093035},"content":"I’m there, “Like you said, it’s possibly a southside thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QT2EXM46KNA4ZO46SGHZ4JDFOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093036},"content":"Tina’s like, “He’s played over three hunthrit matches in the AIL, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MY6YJT7YHVACHKKQ5CD5F3TRDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737473794269},"content":"Three hundred matches in the AIL? I can’t compete with that and I know it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EYJUKMSBAJET5G7EIJ2Z5NFNUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093038},"content":"I’m there, “Bornhall, though. In fairness.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2KTNPPV2ZEXZL6EWQ3KSO3GAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093039},"content":"Tina goes, “Here, Rosser, what are you doing next Sathordee?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UFG3GNDJBFECJNGFFNXCWRWTSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093040},"content":"I’m like, “The weekend before the stort of the Six Nations? Probably just thinking about rugby and making notes in my tactics book.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z6KMLPBJEVHYLNI33X46CI7O2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093041},"content":"“We’re habbon a peerty,” she goes. “In the Broken Arms.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LKANW6BDBEBNCYESNVKLVEKEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093042},"content":"And that’s when my eyes automatically move to her ring finger, on which sits a diamond, as big as a focking hazelnut.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4IO2Q4QN3NAMHOGD6TKW6CAOSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093043},"content":"“Oh, em, congratulations,” I go. “And – yeah, no – I mean it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OHGV5S27ARDA5LYKWM4UNC4TII","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093044},"content":"I give her a hug and – sure, fock it, why not? – a kiss on the cheek, then I pump Tom’s hand, which is humungous, by the way. I’m guessing he’s a number eight, but I wouldn’t give him the pleasure of asking.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2IZSJBKQ7ZDUJD4INYB2J6NWBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093045},"content":"Tom’s there, “Thanks, Rosser. So will we see you? In the Arms?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5XWJ4O6WTRFH5MLXBVI4USUXFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093046},"content":"And I’m like, “Er, yeah, no, whatever.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"357VWZYN4BGV5EJAHIUGCFQGHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093047},"content":"The woman on the checkout goes, “Can one of you pay for your bits? There’s a big queue after forming behind you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EOCYVLWJGVGMDBTAK2GG7KUQXY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093048},"content":"I turn around to Tina and I go, “I’d no idea it was that serious. And three hundred AIL matches? It’s, em, all a lot to take in.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EASS2SAJIND5REUNNROHWZ42D4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093049},"content":"While I wish her well, there’s also that little voice in my head telling me, “You have to do everything you can to break them up, Rossmeister.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUQZYS32OBDHTARSDYNFV5IHIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737376093050},"content":"And I’m there, “Yeah, no, I’ll see you at the porty.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby"},"display_date":"2025-01-25T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5FMD327V6BAWBF3HKRS23EE4TE","auth":{"1":"0af7614a1e0efbd144442291a111f7bb296512e37e86c0ffc7cd3dd58c145799"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5FMD327V6BAWBF3HKRS23EE4TE.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":362.04,"episodeTitle":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Ronan’s mum, Tina, has a new fiance, but here’s the big shocker – the dude plays rugby","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/6792bbe1a6c96ea780328b51.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-dude-goes-the-famous-rosser-what-looking-me-over-like-im-a-buffet-item-gone-cold/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"EV6WUDB7WVDSDOHZENBGXRBL3U","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-you-wouldnt-last-one-day-as-a-girl-honor-tells-me/","content_elements":[{"_id":"FNCOXWCQNJED5NVD54ANYJSOU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690568},"content":"Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a <i>let-down</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"UTJHKDXGDZD7PNR2KZEZQGEZBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690569},"content":"She hands me her Louis Vuitton suitcase and her ski boots and I make the mistake of going, “So how was it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RXPEDNJEJRGLBC7G2OPNOGZ3OU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690570},"content":"The girl totally blanks me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BJTA2YQODVHWHK2K5SNZWCBCU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690571},"content":"I’m there, “Honor? Did you hear me? How did the skiing trip go?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WQFSTGLNONE4JG545HU3ZW3PWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690572},"content":"And that’s when she totally loses her S-H-one-T with me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AV3P23RXT5ENFB2NO2M7AKRIME","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690573},"content":"She’s like, “Oh my God, are you really so needy that you expect me to respond to every focking question you ask me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YQBESNDVCRHWHIWTW4EOMGYRNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690574},"content":"God, I’ve missed her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7GGRNBGHUBHNDN4IGJJJQU4ZY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690575},"content":"I’m there, “I’m guessing that it didn’t go well then.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ORB5SFBQ5ETVDG5PJ32IYAPKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690576},"content":"She’s like, “It was absolutely shit. Not that it’s any of your business.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D5NUGIETOFHA7MJDD7BIG5H6PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690577},"content":"Courage Kennedy and Rioghnach Morkey – two girls from her class – come through the gate and make a beeline for her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7HPJAGSCDRCU5J5KBJ6UYBOMPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690578},"content":"Courage is like, “Thank you <i>so</i> much for arranging the trip, Honor. It was <i>the</i> best week – like, <i>ever</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LPLWNGZJ2JGCZP7BSY6YRQJWQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690579},"content":"And Honor – in a sweet voice – goes, “Oh, I’m so glad you enjoyed it!” because, like most teenage girls, she’s capable of being in two completely contradictory moods at the exact same time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AXVRDRLMIVACPCAHMP5PHMOCUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690580},"content":"Courage and Rioghnach hug her goodbye and we stort making our way to the short-term cor pork. I’m like, “<i>They</i> seem to have enjoyed themselves.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"56VTDJ4V4NDPNDHKHTZMUZLBWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690581},"content":"Honor goes, “They’re being bitches, Dad.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ADNWMJVQVZGSBHNAA3BFX5ULME","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690582},"content":"“What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KLQX4SRNZVFILGH77HN55HDCH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690583},"content":"“When they say it was the best week ever, they mean it was the <i>worst</i> week ever?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QIJCSBCZCZETZFAD6CK5GAQ7RU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690584},"content":"“I didn’t pick up on that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ARUBVINY6NGHZO3BLJFODCGM3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690585},"content":"“Yeah, you wouldn’t last one day as a girl.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WMYHUTTPNJGIZCKKRLLURIS6RQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"TKM6ND6C3JB6RNYRBASOOEB2YU"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"E7DBZ7JBCBGU3ICSYL4KZ6RPVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690586},"content":"We reach the cor. I’m throwing Honor’s luggage into the boot when a girl getting into her old dear’s Hyundai Ioniq goes, “Bye, Honor!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V42EWCOWKZDLVOCRQTPALCLT44","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690587},"content":"I’m there, “Who’s that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FGHZKGQX6JHNLFN35BFPQD6SA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690588},"content":"She’s like, “That’s Lucy Meagan.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXQ2JHDIPVF57JHMZPAL5LULBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690589},"content":"“I had an amazing, amazing time,” Lucy goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XCAYJDWLZHKJDXJN7F5DBE4OA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690590},"content":"Honor’s like, “I’m delighted, Lucy. I’m absolutely thrilled.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWX6SUVQDFEXNNVT6HMV6UQ5GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690591},"content":"Then when she gets into the cor, she goes, “Can you focking believe what she just said to me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UV2BJHNZ7JENPOOQ2N7OOKWWPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690592},"content":"I’m there, “Again, Honor, it sounded to me like she had a genuinely good time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SYLAM7EHFRGC5MBNDCCAFBXD2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690593},"content":"And Honor goes, “Yeah, you understand subtlety like an elephant understands rollerblades. Just focking drive, will you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MO6VEUFEBFG7TD7AFLCV3PS63E","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690594},"content":"Which is what I end up doing. We’re just passing the exit for Blanchardstown when I dare to speak again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5TYYPW7PNHE3JRDARMJJLTYD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690595},"content":"I’m there, “Your old dear is looking forward to seeing you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JFOAV3NZ6BGPZJYFKKGHSFYOWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690596},"content":"She’s like, “She actually said that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6FGXCEZ43ZEWXKKHQ4YWZ2SFGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690597},"content":"And I end up having to go, “Er, no, it was more a figure of speech than anything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3K6S6DRAKZFNXNCATSNCONRKPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690598},"content":"After a few more minutes of silence, I’m like, “Okay, so what happened, Honor? Why was the trip so shit?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"426WB6MT4NCO5OKHWYDKTAUT74","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690599},"content":"She goes, “Er, because Thia Hall went to, like, Gstaad?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OP5KQY4APFBSDITWVCO3NZUHPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690600},"content":"Yeah, no, Thia Hall – who’s sort of her nemesis – brought 20 girls on, like, a <i>rival</i> skiing trip? It sounds like someone has a serious case of FOMO.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPUFG5VLONBL5EQK3MTWNBW7QI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690601},"content":"I’m there, “And, what, you’re worrying that they had a better time than you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GDFZGLKIEFA7JOS24WQ7JWXUT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690602},"content":"She goes, “It’s all anyone could think about while we were on the slopes. They had, like, boys on their trip. Michael’s boys.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M7YA73PXIBEXJO5KYAQHTRWI2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1736942468847},"content":"After another minute or so of silence, I’m there, “Okay, I’m going to say something totally random now, Honor, but what does it matter whether they had a good time or not as long as you enjoyed yourselves?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z2X42JWYGVGMPI3NMCU2N4GPHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690604},"content":"Out of the corner of my eye, I can see that she’s giving me a serious filthy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CG5KZ4DGKFASFDSZ7IBLELLUUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690605},"content":"She’s like, “Are you <i>actually</i> serious?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZODZ6AUNLJAURAKGYJO6IDY3QM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690606},"content":"I’m there, “Er – <i>yeah</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MTTYTYDM2RBKXLQ5YMUF5CRWQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690607},"content":"She goes, “What does Granddad always say? ‘It’s not enough that I should win – everyone else must lose.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ERM7ETISONFZVG3CFNTYTB4IIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690608},"content":"Yeah, no, the Latin version of it was on the Castlerock College school crest until the early 1990s.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TT367YRFYFB45JTLSHZSJF5AHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690609},"content":"I’m there, “You don’t want to listen to my old man, Honor. He’s done actual <i>jail</i> time, bear in mind?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UWAVBT4CDZAV3BSRCDY74XFOOY","additional_properties":{"_id":"BETLPRQG3ZCBHHOJXKYURUVKRA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"F46DFNVB4JC6VHAPSM4NAEE5FY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690610},"content":"That’s when her phone suddenly beeps. She reads her text message, then goes, “Oh! My God!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZVCCSAUCDRGYFBKD735YZHOFOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690611},"content":"I’m like, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUUOKDK36VFH7HQN4V4WWI6GSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690612},"content":"“It’s a message from Jessy Whelehan!” she goes. “She was on the Gstaad trip!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ONRKVEABNVAWDO3DG5LZQISHTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690613},"content":"I’m there, “And did she have a good time?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H5PX4I4UH5DUXDGDWR5L2GW3DA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690614},"content":"And she’s like, “There was an avalanche!” and she says it like it’s a good thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BMN6OCUAY5G5HF4P52H7QDASAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690615},"content":"I’m there, “Er, I hope no one was hurt – were they?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IN2FYLIALFAD7HC5USAVUSI6SI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690616},"content":"She goes, “I’ve no idea. Let me read the rest of it. No, it happened the day before they arrived. But the hotel where they were staying in was forced to close. And after spending a night at the airport, they flew back to Dublin the next day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBW4Z3JLRRCKVN23PXAKEZEFUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690617},"content":"I’m like, “Good enough for them,” because I notice that she’s brightening up and it’s definitely nice to see.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F5NYP3MZXNA5LJ7NYIZITLXYIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736942468863},"content":"Her phone beeps again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QQWUMY3CXNE2JPGBBPXMLTARAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690619},"content":"“Oh my God,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CHAWJDLRIBD4XN5IXOXLNP4PR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690620},"content":"I’m there, “More good news?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZDH37SRUVVCUXE4E7A2EDX4PR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690621},"content":"She’s like, “As they were boarding the plane, Thia slipped on ice and broke her ankle!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DIIFGBI3KFB5LH65ETZTRYKBAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690622},"content":"“Jesus.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LJ65ELGUHFFNPDWXQ4OEEOPAEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690623},"content":"“She had to be evacuated by helicopter to a hospital in, like, Geneva?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KZDCXWDAGZAV3AYBQJHNDNYYXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690624},"content":"“Serves her right, Honor – horsh and all as that sounds.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZ5N7NQFCFFW7JO7MNETZKQFCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690625},"content":"“She had to have metal pins inserted into her leg. They’re saying she might never ski again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DHK7B5A7ZEHDOM5PMNSVXTKOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690626},"content":"“Fock.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VY6L2P2U4FEHVNGGR2BCU5UIAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690627},"content":"“And she thought she was amazing at it as well. She used to go to Kilternan, like, every weekend.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HFH7FAHSRRABNIFBFLGMHOHPXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690628},"content":"“No more Kilternan for her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"26BIWUR4CNHZVMOSP6S3YWPAYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690629},"content":"“They’re setting up a Go Fund Me page for her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWGPEXD5TJEPZJVA7J7KFTVRX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690630},"content":"“Jesus.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NFV5GZVZOVCX3EGCFPK343SM74","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690631},"content":"“And then – oh my God, this is hill! air! – pretty much everyone on the flight home ended up contracting the winter <i>vomiting</i> bug?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HML7NIWS4BC4FBJWYO52ZQHI4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690632},"content":"“So it’s one piece of good news after another.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RVVU3ALKQNFGLBFOMXFDLKEMIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690633},"content":"“They’ve all spent the last week bent over the toilet!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"APPPQNANQNG7ZB7HK53BAPBZPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690634},"content":"“It sounds like their trip was totally jinxed from, like, stort to finish.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6PIPIWGGAFH4VIEOD3HAU3ILD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690635},"content":"“And – oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! – they’re <i>all</i> blaming Thia!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N6MGOWAHPRAMRJXNKRPXZ3VS6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690636},"content":"She sits back in her seat with a humungous smile on her face. We’re, like, passing the exit for Tallaght when she goes, “I’m sorry I was an asshole to you earlier.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GU4RCBFY2FCQHNLHTL53CLLQ5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690637},"content":"I’m there, “Were you? I honestly didn’t notice.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WT5HMZ5VZZFATEW7ORM4W4YNZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690638},"content":"And then she’s like, “In answer to your question, we had an amazing, amazing time. It was, like, <i>the</i> holiday of a <i>lifetime</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"US2PNKOHPZE3ZGM5WM4R5MGMKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736763690639},"content":"Like she said, I wouldn’t last a day as a girl. 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As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HGUZ2AHJ4RELPAQ7AX2L4XUJJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199321},"content":"Not that we’ve ever told her that, of course.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PQBY4LNWT5EC5JJEQPPJD5WE2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199322},"content":"Well, anyway, those days are well and truly gone if the reception she receives in the deportures hall of Dublin Airport is anything to go by. Yeah, no, as head girl of Mount Anville, she’s leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz, where the 50 girls who submitted the highest bids in a blind auction will be staying in my old man’s villa for a week. We’re standing there with all of the other parents to see off our daughters in their designer ski clobber. And the girls, like I said, are all over Honor, telling her that she looks <i>so </i>amazing and that her snow jacket is <i>so</i> cute on her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VMORGLXPJJFEBFOP4QXTQ67ZAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199323},"content":"They’re all delighted to have made the cut, although they paid through the nose for it. The rumour is that Honor and my old man made a profit of €100k from the trip, although I’ve no way of checking this, having no access to my daughter’s bank account. I’m going to say fair focks, though. As a matter of fact, I <i>do</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"UUW5WPX6AFBV3EJARR3KUMQXXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199324},"content":"“What do you mean, fair focks?” Sorcha goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OM6DN4GBYJG2HBPCYOD674HKLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199325},"content":"I’m there, “I’m just saying she is suddenly one popular girl.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YTECHEDDFNENDGRQCVDYYPYIJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199326},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Ross, she’s surrounded herself with sycophants who are just happy to have got on the trip ahead of a hundred disappointed girls who got priced out of it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMH4CSVPSNBOLCV3LIZTQXRB6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199327},"content":"I’m there, “A pretty good preparation, I would have said, for the world that’s waiting for them out there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZDG5A4UGS5D2BDNKB2IDXND3VY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199328},"content":"She’s like, “Ross, I honestly don’t know how you can be happy about this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W6EYEY5B4BASNACEJBUGIQPJYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199329},"content":"But I’m looking at my daughter and she’s in her actual element. She’s got, like, 50 Mounties fawning all over her. And as a former Leinster Schools Senior Cup winner, I know how that feels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DOUDXDXMLFHORCGUBDEIM4YMNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199330},"content":"She manages to tear herself away from the adulation to ask us why the fock we’re still hanging around like a bad smell.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZOJL3STVOFCHXJGE24KWW6SII4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199331},"content":"Sorcha goes, “We said we were going to see you off, Honor, and that’s what we’re doing. Although I’m storting to wish I’d volunteered to go on this trip as a chaperone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJ4K2WJQAVBZXEHJIY4R24ERQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199332},"content":"Honor’s there, “Er, <i>why</i>?” like she couldn’t think of anything worse.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GGRNLCIVNRBGVG433ELIHEFFOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199333},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Because I’ve <i>been</i> Mount Anville head girl, remember? I navigated all of the hazards that the role involves.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QF7IZIEIWZCGVH5M76ZK5XPXR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199334},"content":"Honor goes, “Do you <i>see</i> any hazards? All I see is a bunch of 50 saps who I’ve manipulated into liking me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S6MHYUDR65DBZI6I2CQ6YGHDHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199335},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “I don’t want to lecture you again, Honor, but being head girl of any school is an important, important responsibility. It’s not about enhancing your popularity within your peer group.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUSL4VHE4BAZZA6UYXBNOHNTC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199336},"content":"Honor’s there, “Maybe that’s why everyone hated you then.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ADBRTBXTPNFN5NBKEL7FEQFA2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199337},"content":"“I’d like to think that no one hated me. I just didn’t court approval, that’s all.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SY3GS5A2P5CXLMUZML6JNJLLZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199338},"content":"“Yeah, but the girls in your year never looked at you the way that lot are looking at me right now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T4OHJUQ6SVB27CZRIVROGW4JSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199339},"content":"Sorcha tries to urinate on the girl’s parade, though. She goes, “It’s not the whole year, Honor. It’s 50 students. I might have been at times – yeah, no – unpopular, like when I decided the school cafeteria should go vegan, but I always sought to be a unifying force among my fellow students. I tried to bring them with me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJABQX4BBJHWLP7QZ4P6WLYFYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199340},"content":"But Honor’s there, “I tried to bring them with me too. It’s not my fault that their parents bid too low.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OYW3DNNNKNBZTEYA26BYVLISV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199341},"content":"I decide to say something positive just to counter all the negativity she’s getting from her old dear. I don’t want to knock the girl’s confidence.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ACHMC3FRZAUFM42KMXFWCMJ5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199342},"content":"I’m there, “You’re both loved <i>and</i> feared, Honor – and I’m so proud of you. It’s hord to believe your old dear had to sew pancetta into the hem of your porty dress so that dogs would show an interest in you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V6MFWPFAKFCEVOW5RYYPIHZFDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199343},"content":"It’s, like, me and my big mouth.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R6YEQ7ZSWJCLNMIM35VACARDJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199344},"content":"She goes, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7TVYD6ULJNC2RISUSP43GCSPAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199345},"content":"And I’m there, “Er, yeah, no, it was, like, a <i>joke</i>, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GL7H4TDUU5D6BABLQZIDTCTYDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199346},"content":"Which it wasn’t, of course.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YQJC745EVFEBRDYWYG3YLPYXAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199347},"content":"She goes, “Whatevs. I’ll see you in a week,” and she makes her way back over to her fan club.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2E6KRZWQDRHTRBEKJNZNJCQDFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199348},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Look at the dirty looks we’re getting from the other parents, Ross. They know that our daughter has basically extorted them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMPXTS2HEZDYPAGJDDXRKK2L4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199349},"content":"But before I get a chance to go, “That’s their tough shit,” there’s a sudden change in the atmosphere in the deportures hall. Every conversation has stopped.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IJH2ZXXR7ZEAPCQUCHRGSLGGZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199350},"content":"I spin around – following what suddenly seems to be <i>everyone’s</i> line of vision? – to see that Thia Hall has arrived. And I watch Honor mouth the words, “The fock is she doing here?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2DVDBIW5SBGU7NPV5CD7RJMKFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199351},"content":"Thia Hall, just to give you some context, was Honor’s main rival for the role of head girl. She’s also the editor of the school magazine, which has been highly critical of the way she’s performed the job, describing her as “fascistic” – probably not even a word – and “a threat to the democracy we cherish”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMYIK2BIXNDW7EECQW6IR47XQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199352},"content":"That’s teenage girls for you.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J75IMGKFVRGNNOPAIWAXQLKSYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199353},"content":"Honor makes a beeline for her. She’s like, “Where are you going? Let me guess – Disneyland Paris with your parents! You’re so lame!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2QGKOWFNHBG7RJAPNWZXTOGLI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199354},"content":"But Thia’s like, “I’m going skiing. <i>We’re</i> going skiing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"73ETRGZJZBBTPPNEXFFG65CSCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199355},"content":"And that’s when Honor looks over her shoulder and notices a bunch of other girls from her year congregating<i> </i>behind her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSSAHS4GNBFZ5H6AWPXOJ6IF24","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199356},"content":"Honor’s like, “Skiing? Skiing where?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67WBSOLJIZFJ3GO22LEZTK6QZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199357},"content":"Thia’s there, “Gstaad.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LQRXOUHAHZBDJM45IBAG3DMO5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199358},"content":"Honor goes, “Gstaad?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6B247Q3HBREZJGASNJAP3EY43M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199359},"content":"Thia’s like, “Yeah, no, it’s in Switzerland.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJ2DV3AGFVCDVOV4PANIL7G3VY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199360},"content":"Honor’s there, “I know where Gstaad is.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OIBYLQJ4TJFHZLXDUB4XZAI56Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199361},"content":"Given that she failed geography in her Christmas exams, I’m guessing that’s a lie.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FRDLYFHOAFE77JRWSHBICSM5EM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199362},"content":"Honor looks her up and down and goes, “I bet it ends up being shit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5R4ESIPV4NGIPJDHHULR57TQJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199363},"content":"But Thia’s there, “I doubt it. We’re going with the St Michael’s boys.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZI5SMYMQXNGT5CN4FOSVQ6WZOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199364},"content":"There’s suddenly, like, gasps from Honor’s crew. A skiing trip is one thing. A skiing trip with boys is a total game-changer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"42DM5M5UL5A3VOZZKQ5AABVLL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199365},"content":"“My cousin is the head prefect,” Thia goes. “They had some free places so he asked if I knew any girls who’d be interested.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BQE7UYNF6JGODLKIP47EPQDYYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199366},"content":"Suddenly, I notice that Honor’s friends are looking at her – yeah, no – <i>differently</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"OVPU4IJGGZEF3H7ID7VQXKAFJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736159199367},"content":"And as a master of strategy myself, I can’t help but go – under my breath for obvious reasons – “Oh, well played, Thia. Very well played.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process"},"display_date":"2025-01-11T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’","native":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’"},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M","auth":{"1":"939f5f1729cf574b098f7dcf7243dd43d4887394f9f9096955a1b33770d3f2f3"},"focal_point":{"x":1217,"y":633},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/3GAWAJSHXJCJTMLZBVZZPFHE3M.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":387.172,"episodeTitle":"As head girl of Mount Anville, Honor is leading the sixth-year skiing trip to St Moritz – and turning a tidy profit in the process","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/6780fca0e83bfb002d3b2c71.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/youre-both-loved-and-feared-honor-and-im-so-proud/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"MUYF4ZWNENES5EXILVP2FJK6JY","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-why-do-you-want-to-go-disinterring-the-past-ross/","content_elements":[{"_id":"UKMDQQMS6FGMFOPFFLKN5ZJEJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062350},"content":"The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – <i>their </i>words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OV3VNROZEVHP5PJXNTFTLK5FRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062351},"content":"Sorcha speaks for all of us when she goes, “Do you mean to say that you’re going to do the actual cooking yourselves?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U7KDBM7WZBFIZCYAOXYZOSGDJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062352},"content":"The old man’s like, “Well, of course! That’s the whole fun of the exercise!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZVS3QPPYSVHJBDBKE5LVIMEFEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062353},"content":"I’m there, “But you’ve never cooked anything in your entire life. Except the books when you were a so-called businessman.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W3QZ46V2TBDTJH342TCMY3SPUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062354},"content":"He goes, “Stuff and nonsense, Ross! I’ll have you know that I was something of a dab hand in the kitchen when I was in prison!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UNPILBFW7FHYZAUFYGISE6W6J4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062355},"content":"Talk about lines you never thought you’d hear one of your parents say.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLLKROVW2BCRDHTDYPYZX2Y3F4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062356},"content":"He’s there, “Young Ronan here’s father-in-law – the famous Kennet – was the head cook on our wing and I was his – inverted commas – first mate!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VNL2MVO45BETXFIGUN7GEAMRTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062357},"content":"Ronan goes, “Er, I doatunt think that phrase means what you think it means, Charlie.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MLI23HG7QNH6ZIUAEF34P6CO4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062358},"content":"“Well,” the old man goes, “whatever you call it then! Shadden, I’m sure your father could tell you all about it! Although we didn’t have cuts of beef like this in the ironically nicknamed Joy!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y4SG7EC2UZHMHMGQRE5KFV4JOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062359},"content":"As he’s saying this, he’s beating a steak with a meat hammer, while Hennessy is standing by with the pepper and salt shakers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FV4ZEMZESZHWDIGEEBE6TKDRII","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062360},"content":"I’m there, “Are you planning to do, like, the onion rings and everything?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2JYI7GMEVNDBFOQTSRA4SS7D3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062361},"content":"“Everything!” the old man goes. “Prepare to have your taste buds exalted tonight!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KJBLMWCA2JAHPGDXHCR6T4JYEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062362},"content":"Sorcha looks at me dubiously.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CIFLMB232VF5RN7KVO6P5IJOSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062363},"content":"Ronan’s like, “Me uncle Anto, he’s a quadified chef. He’s not woorking at the moment. I could hab a woord wirrum. He’s run big kitchens befower.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5I24KDEEAVFXPKBFWASPCMWRFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062364},"content":"Except the old man is having none of it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LKLSOQ6WQ5ALLKXQLUOX7QD5GU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062365},"content":"He’s there, “In prison, Kenneth and I cooked dinner for 80 prisoners every day! All fresh meat!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OBWSXSIKJVCIBG67Z633J76B74","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062366},"content":"“Again,” Ronan goes, “Ine not sure you ebber properly understood prison slang, Charlie.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XHP4VNGYNRGANLDVQW2XKVEACM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062367},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “I think what Ronan is trying to say, Chorles, is that running a busy restaurant is, like, a specialist <i>skill</i>? And don’t forget, Shanahan’s on the Green has this amazing, amazing reputation.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VUOGJNTLSZECLGM4EVXGC63I24","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062368},"content":"The old man goes, “Oh, ye of little faith! Now, Hennessy and I must insist that you leave this kitchen immediately and repair to the diningroom to await the feast! Come on, out you go – you too, Kicker!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4JWTLAA3GFCKTMSGLMKGC7JLRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062369},"content":"I’m there, “I, em, need to have a private word with you – <i>about</i> something?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y2YEXA5G4ZE2HOGGVP3VE3SFFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062370},"content":"He’s like, “Oh? This is all rather intriguing, isn’t it, Hennessy?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GWQFPPUHTFFPFEAANIRZOSJD24","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062371},"content":"Sorcha, Ronan and Shadden slip out of the kitchen. The old man tosses a steak into the frying pan and goes, “So what’s with all the cloak and – quote-unquote – dagger, Kicker?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"44A7DJKTB5BL3KKIDR2UYI6DII","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062372},"content":"I’m there, “I don’t want to say it in front of Hennessy!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BZWTUIGCVE3JEZRHQBEIMONZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062373},"content":"“Oh, what rubbish!” he goes. “If you’re in some kind of trouble, Hennessy is the one I’ll be asking to bail you out! He and I have no secrets from each other!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PTJA3NOH4VAJ7MXXQDSPWS456Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062374},"content":"I’m there, “Fine. The old dear said something to me. Just before Christmas. I went to see her in the nursing home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BTWVSFR2IBBAJA5XVNCMTEEXFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062375},"content":"He’s like, “Oh?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SIW4B7ZZBNHO7JABHIWLPXTDUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062376},"content":"I’m there, “She said she has another kid out there somewhere.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DXMNXQVMH5FJDJ47VCCOOQVRLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062377},"content":"He goes, “What?” and I watch him steal a sneaky look at Hennessy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7LOCJZOERCZZGZ7WW5E2YGIJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062378},"content":"I’m like, “You heard me. She said she had a baby – before she met you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q66JIVEQN5CBXKLHNNJAGSAHUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062379},"content":"He goes, “Ross, your mother isn’t a well woman! Her mind is addled!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OE6UKHUBZZB3RCXQW74PUILETQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062380},"content":"I’m there, “Well, she sounded pretty certain.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FMOPLFYJ5JB57FZTEGB6PRUQGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062381},"content":"He’s like, “She sounds pretty certain about a great many things, Kicker! I saw her this morning and she was absolutely convinced she was about to embork on a cruise of the Mediterranean.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W555GK4WIJFQFDENDSF3ZW4IAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062382},"content":"I’m there, “For your information, she seemed to be having one of her better days.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WXB6FM6ZTZE3ZMY5VXZ62KK5BQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062383},"content":"He goes, “Sad and all as it is, Ross, your mother has dementia! You can’t go taking every little thing she says literally!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BQ44GS34ZAYBK3TOBVTQVADOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062384},"content":"I’m there, “What was that dude’s name? She was engaged to him before she met you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H72CBX3U7ZHEXL5UYJAILMZWZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062385},"content":"He looks at Hennessy again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DG2GWWNA4ZD6BBUPIMO3L43TLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062386},"content":"He’s there, “Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZPN3DIPD5H5TEZFX5UKPPBVSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062387},"content":"I’m like, “Because I could have another brother or sister out there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZRQWOD5RZRA6BHUQ6D3WGFYU6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062388},"content":"He goes, “You’re not talking about the famous Conor Hession, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2JGF7SGCQBDRPLQYL7V7TCU67E","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062389},"content":"I’m there, “That was it. Conor Hession.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GDWEUIAK5D3PKEALVRP54ZFNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062390},"content":"He goes, “And you’re suggesting, what, that she had a son or daughter with this chap?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZBHJVDUAW5FFJCPQGSUOBH5CL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062391},"content":"“Well, is it possible?” I go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZH3T4TVWFBPZGO3NWBV5V27AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062392},"content":"He’s there, “Absolutely not!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GDUK7K3PUZDITGT3EE7SEMWA4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062393},"content":"I’m like, “Why do you keep looking at him?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJW3ISMZGBBV5BLDYBLMICC2M4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062394},"content":"He goes, “Who?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CZT2BBUWANHNRLSSYS6LNBJYU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062395},"content":"I’m there, “Hennessy. Every time I ask you a question, you look at him before you answer.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7GNCDKNF5A7TKCULCV36A33JI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062396},"content":"“Oh, that’s just force of habit!” he goes. “Kicker, trust me, there’s absolutely nothing in this! And there we shall leave the matter to rest!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TKZG6PM2S5HXBBO6ZELX2DVVNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062397},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, I’ll find out – if it’s true, I mean.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XLTS3SVTMJAARAHXX3FREQWXXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062398},"content":"He goes, “Oh, I’m sure you will, Ross – with your famous powers of deduction!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q6M3WQ55WVCLFF5DWVHJ63HVLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062399},"content":"I stare at him for a good 10 seconds, unable to figure out if he’s ripping the piss out of me or not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LN7EUH3DZBHO5NCDZ47QLYGVBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062400},"content":"All of a sudden, Ronan is standing at the kitchen door. He goes, “Is there sometin burdening?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"555LXVZXGNHDNJJ7JWBGQIATQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062401},"content":"The old man’s like, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A33SYWJVVFBRFEOUUMQJCVDIDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062402},"content":"“Burdening,” Ronan goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYWC55WAXBGT5IR33PTAIZP7UM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062403},"content":"The old man’s there, “What’s he trying to say, Ross?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GAGKKL6KEJF5FGARCZ4HLG3VUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062404},"content":"I’m like, “I’ve no idea. Sometimes it takes me a minute or two for the penny to drop.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TENDH22ZSZBK3L3GDYVI5YSEHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062405},"content":"“Burdening,” Ronan goes. “I can smeddle sometin burdening.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NG4LKWUQMVEC5FZQIRSNXQUJ2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062406},"content":"I suddenly cop what he’s saying – because I can smell it too. I turn around and I notice a cloud of thick, black smoke rising from the frying pan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QGVCBW5Y5FG3LFXFB34RRRRZBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062407},"content":"I’m like, “What the fock?” as I whip the thing off the hob.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KJUM4KW2DNEFPLBUXXUSRJXG5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062408},"content":"Ronan stares at this blackened lump of meat in the pan and goes, “Did you put addy oil in the padden, Charlie?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"27MIM26EEZDTTM7XD3OY6Z22NE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062409},"content":"The old man goes, “Oil? Good Lord!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPSHXL3F6NBUBEZJS5TON3IUEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062410},"content":"I’m there, “Are you actually serious? You didn’t know that you need oil to cook a steak?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJVEOO7APZBUZIJVOQSM57BWMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733407062411},"content":"He goes, “I’m wondering should you and I be more front-of-house, Hennessy? And maybe leave the actual business of cooking to someone who knows what they’re doing? Ronan, could you have a word with the famous Anto for us?”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve"},"display_date":"2025-01-04T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"UKRD7O3D5BCYHOKEDV5SUKFND4","auth":{"1":"1499c9e8a7d7662c81dc6f277acb8e9575af342cbd18da86f54559bcc5b6fe59"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/UKRD7O3D5BCYHOKEDV5SUKFND4.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":369.892,"episodeTitle":"After his old dear tells Ross that he has an unknown sibling, Ross raises the topic with his father on New Year’s Eve","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/67783e63539aba773d355a86.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-ocarroll-kelly-why-do-you-want-to-go-disinterring-the-past-ross/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"2UIUV5TOSBFXTKKPZAMTK6EXXM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-is-standing-at-the-island-with-a-boning-knife-in-one-hand-and-an-espresso-in-the-other-grinning-at-us-like-a-serial-killer/","content_elements":[{"_id":"TFUQPOB6YVFSFILXGVEPT2DLZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884493},"content":"So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JZCQDBFIDVBLBNIFEMLBODN2MI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884494},"content":"“Correction,” Honor goes. “She’s putting <i>herself </i>under a lot of pressure?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SWIBC5O5VJBT5FSJ26JYNCEOQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884495},"content":"Long story short, Sorcha’s old pair are going away for Christmas, so we’re having the big dinner a week early, and Sorcha is determined to make it a meal to remember, just to thank them for letting us crash in their gaff ever since the fire.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WRR2DGTWPFB3HNOJEKYCFY5M34","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884496},"content":"I’m there, “What do you think she’s at right now? A six?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DY2JNZ557JBPPGTTSI3GKYCSCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884497},"content":"Honor’s like, “An eight. Definitely an eight.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A5SWYB4ZQFAC5ACQH6WCGOC44Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884498},"content":"I go, “Fock! Already? Well, remember, just don’t ask her if she’s okay. That goes for you goys as well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5HCODEPN75GS5DXQ5URI4LGXKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884499},"content":"Brian, Johnny and Leo all nod, then – yeah, no – inside we go. Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and a Nespresso in the other and she’s grinning at us like a serial killer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CNEKUAMDSFGKROVLNQESWJC7LM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884500},"content":"“I’ve wanted to do this,” she goes, “since oh my God forever!” and I can already feel the tension coming off her. She’s not even pausing between sentences. “The 15-bird roast a snipe inside a guinea fowl inside a quail inside a woodcock inside a Gressingham duck inside a mallard inside a portridge inside a teal inside a pigeon inside a wigeon inside a poussin inside a pheasant inside a chicken inside a goose inside a turkey don’t just stand there Honor get me an espresso will you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXEMUMGUKRE6DKV5I6YAG5YTFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884501},"content":"Honor’s there, “Er, you’ve already got one in your <i>hand</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UTNC5XQIWZEIDCBQAULEHKGLIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884502},"content":"And Sorcha goes, “This will be drunk by the time you make me another one and hurry up I need to be on my literally game today!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JLFYOGNLQRGDHHRW3ZFJBO2R4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884503},"content":"Suddenly, I hear the egg timer go off.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JV6KAVPTWJHIJMSDME3HWM6UNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884504},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Oh my God I’m already behind I haven’t even storted boning the turkey can someone <i>please </i>get me a focking espresso!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"63HOGAW24NHVPGGKS2GBBSC22U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884505},"content":"I nod at Honor and she pops a capsule into the machine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7JZHUWAQDNEI5DKA4TQ7PAYLMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"3OBZ4YXZOZFHFDANFGY22WFYDY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"QZYESQKQ4NEBXNPAOXLDY6VFQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884506},"content":"“Okay,” Sorcha goes, “I need to open this turkey right up!” and she storts going at it with the knife.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EEC6OPADHNGRTKHB5WAQJ3NC7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884507},"content":"The kitchen island, by the way, looks like Noah’s focking Ork. All the birds are laid out from the smallest to the lorgest.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WUI2N5EZTZEOJNAI32FZIFEWXY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884508},"content":"Leo goes, “Mom, can I drive my Ferrori?” meaning the miniature one that Sorcha’s old pair bought him for Christmas.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W24R5K22PRBLJIBXQSUZ466JN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884509},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “I’ve already told you not indoors okay that’s the turkey opened up!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EUVXUVSDPNEPBKXQWYWXUVTD64","additional_properties":{"_id":"FWDXO3PHSFG57CFT4NMMBXH34I"},"content":"The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"UH36IO62KBBUDDHYYMZCRCUMAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884510},"content":"I’m like, “There’s no way you’re going to fit all of those birds inside that actual turkey,” and in that moment she looks mad enough to kill me. I’m there, “Sorry.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4KWR4IEWYRCBHA7YYEPTKQ7ZIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884511},"content":"She goes, “Oh my God I totally forgot how underrated pigeon was as a game meat if it’s cooked right it’s every bit as good as steak Johnny will you make the stuffing while I bone these birds?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V5APNMDMAFEVZFGYEQYTJ4TMZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884512},"content":"Johnny’s like, “Errr ...”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJLQIV67M5B2VOAKXTWLHZJQGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884513},"content":"Sorcha goes, “It’s easy,” as she knocks back her coffee in one, “sweat down two onions then add the sausage meat that’s it then add breadcrumbs two handfuls that’s perfect then the juice and zest of two oranges then the juice and zest of two lemons then some cranberries then some fresh herbs and could someone get me another espresso?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LOEHFKISSJBALAGBMDXRGQPK74","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884514},"content":"The egg timer goes off again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EB2GOXNZKVARFIYFBJ56RJGXRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884515},"content":"I’m like, “Honor, get your old dear another espresso.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DGGOY6MDHJCHVEL63DW2FCZ3J4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884516},"content":"“Guinea fowl,” Sorcha goes, while sawing away at the dead birds, “it tastes just like chicken <i>used</i> to taste?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4JEN4IVQNBGCNI2DRZBAPVSAVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884517},"content":"She knocks back the espresso in one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MKK6OMFRLJEHXFF47JCI2JUWLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884518},"content":"She’s there, “Okay I’m cutting the breasts off the snipe and I’m going to wrap them inside the guinea fowl breasts and I’m going to wrap those inside the quail breasts and I’m going to wrap those inside the woodcock breasts.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M2U3PNEHNBDYFDEWPAF7EVJEDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884519},"content":"I’m there, “This is great! We’re all having fun, goys, aren’t we?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MX2Q2FOLSNGNZNBUHUGFEY34RI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884520},"content":"Leo goes, “I want to drive my focking Ferrori!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DMTQSNW5FRFK5FOX4XHRAKLO3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884521},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, forget about the Ferrori until the entire thing is in the oven, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LFL2QJFA45EU5KFGJ4FRPST2T4","additional_properties":{"_id":"UVFMT7B4VFFRRMP2I6THTYYBCI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"2IXQQ4DUANCM5GHUSGAPS25ZY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884522},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Okay I’m packing some stuffing around this and then I’m going to push it inside the duck and then inside the mallard and then I’m going to push that inside the oh my God it’s so tight the teal and then the pigeon and then the wigeon I didn’t even know there was such a bird Cavistons had to order it for me and then the poussin.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KWUY7MVC7ZESBIBQAR4HIOHP2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884523},"content":"I’m there, “I’m just wondering is it worth all this trouble,” because she sounds like she’s about to crack.","type":"text"},{"_id":"45TJWWNESRFX7IIEYOZ4GNGICU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884524},"content":"She goes, “And that all goes into the pheasant which goes inside the chicken could someone get me another espresso which goes inside the goose Ross hold that steady will you which goes inside the turkey okay the most important thing is that it still retains its turkey shape it needs to <i>look</i> like a turkey?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EQAIIBVV45C6VDSAYQOV5WLBCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884525},"content":"The egg timer goes off again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UW3KDUJA7FFELBZ7FASY3TMPQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884526},"content":"She storts pulling the two sides of the turkey together and I’m reminded of me trying to squeeze into the tux that I wore for my debs for a wedding in Castle Leslie in 2006. She uses string to tie the entire thing together and then she storts laying strips of bacon on the outside to – in her words – give it some added flavour.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KGCIMTYAJZEILPHXXI37Q7FXCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884527},"content":"She shoves the thing into the oven and she’s like, “My mom and dad are going to love it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4H7BC4Q3NFHH3G4IZIUBR62LCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884528},"content":"That’s when Brian goes, “I don’t want any. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KRYGE72ROVFFPA3FNUTBAOZECE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884529},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “You are <i>not</i> becoming a vegetarian.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4FRMKVNR5BFVPINM4TCVJ5Q3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884530},"content":"Johnny’s there, “I want to be a vegetarian as well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2LVTCSDHPVGUTDSF55YN3B5V5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884531},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Don’t you pull this shit on me today of all days you will eat 15 birds vegetarian or no vegetarian because it’s focking Christmas and this is what we do!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ANA7JCYUEVDS3JKRPWRO6FBXMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884532},"content":"That’s when Honor ends up asking her the question. She’s like, “Mom, are you okay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKQEI6SUMFFEVNZTLQ63KAJ4JM","additional_properties":{"_id":"DW4PMA5AFBDXFOFZG4EKCWAFZA"},"content":"‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"T72XFRVD2VFDNP6A2SBP2CBAWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884533},"content":"Sorcha flips. She’s there, “Am I okay am I okay do I look okay or did I just spent the entire day busting my orse to give you all the best Christmas dinner ever?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QNFFOJVAGNGERFGISUH2RCI74A","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884534},"content":"I’m like, “Where’s Leo disappeared to, by the way?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQ5XFDLWHFD3FBPHIUHNMZ5BHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884535},"content":"Two seconds later, I have my answer. He comes flying through in his little Ferrori.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7N73BDT63JDNRJPZ5TMQCGC7CA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884536},"content":"I go, “Not indoors!” but before I’ve managed to get the words out, he’s crashed it into the kitchen island, completely collapsing the thing, sending bits of bone and scrap meat flying everywhere.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FYTB23CYDJCZZGUVXJ2JI47ZME","additional_properties":{"_id":1733397884537},"content":"I’m like, “Dude? What did you do? What did you do? You’ve ruined Christmas!”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her"},"display_date":"2024-12-21T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"MU6PAPIFUNFBRC2IOULHD7JFZE","auth":{"1":"047aedb556dfdb9296322a2aed6d9f244d62067829641fc1dc56e4a0a9499d76"},"focal_point":{"x":954,"y":725},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MU6PAPIFUNFBRC2IOULHD7JFZE.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":353.596,"episodeTitle":"She’s preparing a 15-bird roast for her old pair the week before Christmas, and I can already feel the tension coming off her","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/675ac53fb76360996d581ad3.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-is-standing-at-the-island-with-a-boning-knife-in-one-hand-and-an-espresso-in-the-other-grinning-at-us-like-a-serial-killer/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"LLWXMZ6C2VE25MARIYWF5GQIW4","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-old-dear-goes-i-dont-want-my-vital-work-on-the-campaign-move-funderland-to-the-northside-to-die-with-me/","content_elements":[{"_id":"VD5KSKWDAZDAJF7P4PH3UGCVRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432823},"content":"The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LQFDAIEV4JEWVDUKMMXXREAMDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432824},"content":"Honor goes, “Don’t listen to him, Fionnuala.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X7BAOC5VEBFBHO3MHQP5LNVJUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432825},"content":"And the old dear’s like, “Oh, I never have, Honor – even when he cried as a baby. They call it self-soothing now. I tell people: I invented it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6QSLK4CCJCJZI753LZ3ZSUVKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432826},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not sure any of the child-rearing manuals suggest you leave your baby alone while you go out for cocktails.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XINJIXVJQJBXHHRXU4EFDZTSCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432827},"content":"She goes, “Well, I was years ahead of my time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CR6CCDUYRJEZDKJ3L57YPCTMPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432828},"content":"She’s having one of her more, I don’t know, <i>lucid</i> days?","type":"text"},{"_id":"F5SRBWUHHBFCXPZYHVVMCRDIHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432829},"content":"She’s there, “Anyway, that was absolutely beautiful, Honor. It has made Christmas for me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AXKYFP7ICNGQ3OYBMECSEAUSAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432830},"content":"Yeah, no, Honor brought the Mount Anville school choir to the nursing home in Ongar that the old dear now calls home. It’s given her a definite lift.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SRI5EEOWRZGWDD47RG5QAMLFJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432831},"content":"“<i>Natum vidéte</i>,” the woman goes. “<i>Regem Angelorum</i>. What language is that, Ross?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OCCSJ7XZ5JBUPCQZH5LLFD5WJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432832},"content":"I’m there, “I’ve no idea. I was on the S.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GDKA2UBV5BYBKWNCLUU73UUBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432833},"content":"She goes, “Is it Latin? I love when your father speaks Latin – especially when he has drink taken. He often spoke Latin while we made love.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7JBKIX4WVFBZ5O7NM62NYBFNKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432834},"content":"I’m like, “Seriously? Do you <i>have</i> to?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GYISAANF4VD7BBEITJ7T4BJYQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432835},"content":"She goes, “Oh, don’t pretend to be embarrassed. Now, I want to talk to you both. There are some things that I need to say – especially with this being my last Christmas.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BUJOTXIVMRAHBIX4JIWMBTHKHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432836},"content":"Honor turns and looks at me with shock written all over her face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JHHWC75GYVBZLBUONU4PQJ2F4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432837},"content":"I’m there, “Don’t talk nonsense. There’s, like, years left in you. Especially with that pact you made with the devil.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5FKFGVHEXRGOPNVJBRBCWQWYAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432838},"content":"She goes, “I might be losing my mind, Ross, but I’m not unaware of what’s happening to me. This will be my last Christmas and there are some things I have to pass on to you while I’m still somewhat close to compos mentis. Firstly, my recipes–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7PWM6TDFJJA5DOKA2BTKQVC3OE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432839},"content":"I’m there, “I’ll make sure to burn them – just so no one else has to suffer like I suffered.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TR2GJWY5YZCDDIE4XVAAOPUPAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432840},"content":"She was always an incredible cook, in fairness to her, although I’d never give her the pleasure of telling her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VWHKWMIVB5E67BZBM4BJMMOOFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432841},"content":"She’s like, “You’re wasting time, Ross. And I don’t have a lot of it left. Honor, I want you to have them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6YHJOAGK5RACFC6XC3US5HBOXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432842},"content":"Honor’s there, “Okay, Fionnuala.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6KPNBWR7KFGCLG5ELVXF5SLAQI","additional_properties":{"_id":"7JAGS262FRBIBACTPSTK6WSU5M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NYUL6UENCBE6XL5JJFHNFLI5WY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432843},"content":"“Many of them have been in the family for generations,” the old dear goes. “I got them from my mother, who got them from her mother, who got them from her mother. Although I’ve added my own twist to some of them. You’ll notice in my Christmas pudding recipe that there’s a reference to a secret ingredient. Well, I can let you know that the secret ingredient is a good, healthy dollop of brandy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BM637CKJ5VC2TBS5MN2GVNXUXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432844},"content":"I’m like, “No surprise there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5OWDHRDFOJGOXEK2HGQ32XTHVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432845},"content":"She goes, “Also, my sausage-meat stuffing recipe also contains a secret ingredient. It’s a good, healthy dollop of brandy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWUIB7LFPNAO5EHTXXHFTVTFGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432846},"content":"I’m there, “I’m storting to see a pattern here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S3WDUY5VEZHMDCJTAR4RPM2API","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432847},"content":"She goes, “My eggnog recipe–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OMIAPIRK3VENRHH57CZWZMLZYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432848},"content":"I’m like, “Let me guess – would the secret ingredient be brandy?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HMSHTKGBBVAH7JWEGYEFUBGQDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432849},"content":"“The secret ingredient is Cointreau,” the old dear goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6KHQULVSBRFE7HFOXGBD7NM7V4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432850},"content":"I’m like, “Oh – I wasn’t expecting that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YJBLPXL7EVGJJBVN63FKC5GS44","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432851},"content":"“Cointreau,” she goes, “and then obviously a good, healthy dollop of brandy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LWBIYR5CNB5PHBWBADHIFDA2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432852},"content":"I’m there, “Here, wait a minute – you made eggnog for my children last Christmas.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMKUWKHDMFARHHZWOO6COPO4CI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432853},"content":"“Well, it didn’t do them any horm,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WRUCCMSNIVHVLKWOVJ7F5HJTS4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432854},"content":"I’m like, “Yes, it did. Brian got sick at the children’s Mass in Foxrock. And Leo tried to unhook the winch that was holding Johnny as the Angel Gabriel above the altar.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLOZ42YBONEUTAOF2E4WZZRP3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432855},"content":"Honor goes, “Oh my God, that’s hilarious!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ELOWOY5TEFBSNGK25JK4XSBX44","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432856},"content":"The old dear’s there, “Now, Honor, I want to ask you for a very special favour.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3WHMX3K7NVFALMP34GZEKNKWFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432857},"content":"Honor goes, “Of course, Fionnuala.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R3BUXJPUU5C73DT6UDYBEJTB54","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432858},"content":"She’s like, “For 30 years – as you know – my name has been synonymous with the campaign to Move Funderland to the Northside. I don’t want this vital work to die with me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DK2BU3SPV5HTPIB64KDOPJLWPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432859},"content":"Honor’s there, “You’re not dying, Fionnuala.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LWCHAKJBRNDYXJFRPFPAC62QVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432860},"content":"She goes, “You must listen to me, Honor. The campaign has been crying out for new blood for years. It could be regalvanised under you. Promise me that you’ll keep up the pressure on those ghastly funfair people.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TDDEG4AAIZA2JOVNDAZUZZWM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432861},"content":"“Fionnuala,” Honor goes, “you’re going to be back on the picket line next year. Oh my God, I <i>know</i> you will?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S7PJCWCEJZGSZPPW7BMOI7EF4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432862},"content":"But she doesn’t say it with any – I <i>think</i> it’s a word? – conviction?","type":"text"},{"_id":"RPIL4OB2YZGMRDTZOI44XDUGUE","additional_properties":{"_id":"LNZKEK2QKJAH7IN7WX7DZ7MREQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"K6VVNR5PXNDKXE4ANBPTF5Z2MU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432863},"content":"“Ross,” the old dear goes, “the trophy I was awarded for winning the lady captain’s prize in Foxrock in 1993 – could you give it to Cynthia Lernihan once I’m gone and tell her that I <i>did </i>fake that hole-in-one on the third and I’ve been lying all these years? There’s something very satisfying about having the last word.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"57EUNDUMJ5AMVJ257LYXNTGRDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432864},"content":"She yawns. I think she’s worn herself out. She sort of, like, sings to herself then. She’s like, “<i>Veníte adoremus, Veníte adoremus, Veníte adoremus Dóminum!</i>” and then she goes, “Honor, I want you to have all of my jewellery.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YMMNEOVUINEFFJU54QNOCVG244","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432865},"content":"I look at Honor and I can see that she’s got, like, tears in her eyes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DKAG5QH7LJBH5P2E6UZRWZ2U2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432866},"content":"She goes, “I don’t want your jewellery because nothing is going to happen to you. You’re going to be around for another, like, 10 Christmases. Twenty even.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FPTYVYDLVBF6NCXO36YUAYIVUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432867},"content":"The old dear’s there, “I’m feeling a bit foggy now. You might need to let me sleep. Honor, thank you for bringing the choir with you today. It was a wonderful surprise. Don’t forget – brandy has an improving effect on most things. Merry Christmas, both of you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5G4SBITVYZGUFJ5EY4H4UM4MUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432868},"content":"Honor goes, “Merry Christmas, Fionnuala,” and the poor girl is in bits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WI2222CZWZDGHDOQRVBPNUP7AY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432869},"content":"I’m there, “I’ll tuck you in here,” and I lean down to tuck the top sheet and the duvet under the mattress. The old dear has her eyes closed and, as my head moves level with hers, she goes, “Ross, I had a baby before I met your father.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ICS3A4H47JAQ5DXMGSCDUR22CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432870},"content":"And then suddenly she’s out of the game.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XDO2WILEGVDO7P4QX4MYSVNIMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432871},"content":"I’m like, “What was that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MD2GZZ4PFREFBJHP3VZF4PX75E","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432872},"content":"Honor goes, “Dad, don’t wake her!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HUC4ISEYEFEFJHUSIFQSLXTWVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432873},"content":"I’m there, “Did you hear what she said?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RZ6ODETC25H6DJCOWOZEVHJSEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432874},"content":"Honor’s like, “No – what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JJRERR536JGFJP575OVJ5E4AFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432875},"content":"I’m there, “I could have sworn she said–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BRHALFCMKZBVLAWTD46C35LQBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432876},"content":"“What?” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CT3H6AKIUZCIVGK4VIFPS62TNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432877},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, nothing. Like she said, she’s feeling a bit foggy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TD4TIJZ3ORE4ZF4BAOXBDKWJF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432878},"content":"Honor goes, “Dad, do you think this <i>will</i> be her last Christmas?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHZSHNDMLBD3ZIGSGCSSXWZKYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733327432879},"content":"And I’m there, “Of course not. She’ll outlive all of us,” and deep down I hate myself for lying to the girl.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear"},"display_date":"2024-12-14T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4","auth":{"1":"714a78fbf1f962ede0edeb86049ac96e7e674be1a8332c1f994b185c5a08913d"},"focal_point":{"x":1464,"y":1422},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/PJI5JXZWJ5DDJGGIOJH6A24KS4.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":380.044,"episodeTitle":"Before she falls asleep in the nursing home, she whispers a secret in my ear","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/675ac4b967047a6a2594f867.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-old-dear-goes-i-dont-want-my-vital-work-on-the-campaign-move-funderland-to-the-northside-to-die-with-me/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"OI6ZWJDKX5BJBF6PGAPFHJZAMM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-remember-past-ross-thinking-you-need-to-stort-being-nicer-to-future-ross-hes-a-genuinely-good-bloke/","content_elements":[{"_id":"XSYCFX3WRVG3ZKRAHFTUDBKPBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737490},"content":"Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UGWZ7RT5VVHLDBFQ7O2XD4UUVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737491},"content":"Yeah, no, we’re staying with Sorcha’s old pair in Stoneybosher while the fire damage to our gaff is being fixed and they’ve told us we can decorate their gaff for Christmas. So we’re off to buy a tree and then we’re going to swing into Killiney to collect our baubles and various <i>other</i> bits?","type":"text"},{"_id":"TNDRR7X6GJFN5P5AJESKL3XL5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737492},"content":"Which is actually what we’re orguing about. Sorcha says I’m going to be spending the entire weekend disentangling the lights, but I’m making the point that I didn’t just fock them all into the same box after Christmas last year. Yeah, no, I separated them, then I stretched them out and wrapped each set individually around pieces of, like, cordboard. Sorcha laughs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KQKT57BW2VBOHCWN2DKCWGJWPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737493},"content":"I’m there, “What’s funny?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QED5HBLMJBCN5CCL6JC2LIUSPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737494},"content":"She goes, “I remember you <i>saying</i> that you were going to do that? As a matter of fact, you say it every year. But then when it comes to it, you can never be bothered and you end up just throwing them all into the same box for Future Ross to sort out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTGVH67WQND5BENCUEPGDD3URI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737495},"content":"“But last Christmas,” I go, “I remember Past Ross thinking, ‘You need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke. Do the dude a solid for once in your life.’ I remember saying that out loud, Sorcha – very clearly.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMEL3YZ5CBHHZECHU4NJEKW6RI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737496},"content":"There’s a “Christmas Trees for Sale” sign on a lamp-post as we’re approaching the junction with Ailesbury Road.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CX7LFGZGHRFAHBG23665HGESCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737497},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Will we stop here?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TY7WUDCO25HEFEGXQTLV4F3AGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737498},"content":"But I’m there, “What, Michael’s? I wouldn’t have a Michael’s tree in the house, Sorcha. Even though I’d consider James Ryan a very good friend and obviously Dan Leavy and the Byrne brothers.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMVAECEPHVCHXGYFX35FZWEI7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737499},"content":"She goes, “You see? This is why I’m so dubious about you wrapping the lights. Because you always, always insist on making things hord for yourself.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W46PVVT7JFEPLPB5HHPZIZX56U","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737500},"content":"“That’s not true.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DOOSZX7RMNGXPNDJ4NAPVCXSJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737501},"content":"“It’s one hundred per cent true.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7SLL66DMUREXRC4X2CK5O2VFIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737502},"content":"“Sorcha, I actually remember very pacifically thinking – and it was the mention of Ross and Harry Byrne there that reminded me – when you’re a ten and you score a try, you have the option of either putting the ball down in the corner, so you can show off your kicking skills with the conversion, or putting it down underneath the posts, just to make it easier on yourself. And I remember thinking, as I was wrapping the lights, ‘You’re basically putting the ball down beneath the posts here, Rossmeister.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QFPFA2NW35HPXPT4UM46IVI4UM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737503},"content":"“You’ve suddenly remembered that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LMLQXHTWFGFXKFMP3ZJNE3OKE","additional_properties":{"_id":"VCAVV7ELDJH5VFS63ILFF5IDXI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"WABFF3SKLZG2PFOQVVLDXTGZMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737504},"content":"“Yeah, no, I’m like Celine Dion here – it’s all coming back to me now. And then I actually texted Ross Byrne – or I might have sent him a voice note – to tell him what I was doing. Because I’m always saying to him that once you’re a kicker, you never, ever stop thinking like a kicker – and that’s for life. And he came back to me with either a thumbs-up or a smiley face emoji.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NNVAZRYLB5EUDFT67LLQBS4YKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737505},"content":"“Will we stop at Blackrock College for a tree?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UVP3AICGORCI7JR6S52IPOJJNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737506},"content":"“Not a focking chance. Wouldn’t give them the pleasure.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MHTXOJRJERBSFBUU4OZO23NDUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737507},"content":"She’s like, “So where did the cordboard come from?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EX2IHG6EBFE5JGXXPDFKJVS3FM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737508},"content":"I’m there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JG6TS47LDFGJ5MGXBDXSNIAWJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737509},"content":"“The cordboard. That you supposedly wrapped the lights in.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7HKYDBQYYFDZFONJRUSILD4W5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737510},"content":"“I think you’ll find the word is <i>supposably</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FBELRSDOSRF3ZNHSTHBKSGA5UM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737511},"content":"“It’s not, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TH2VDFOC5JB5ZN4MCR4QRMTB6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737512},"content":"“Isn’t it? Well, whatever. It would have been cordboard that we had just lying around.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMBYEKYLQREXTGBCH74XZ2QYCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737513},"content":"“So you don’t remember where it came from?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VGWPNVEFIJC5FA4W45EDZ4GEI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737514},"content":"“I think it might have been a Corn Flakes box, or – yeah, no, I’m remembering now – it was a Rice Krispies box. Because you know the way I always love a bowl of Rice Krispies on Christmas morning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZCR7LOUY5BAOFARVWUQDGL4VVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737515},"content":"“Ross, I really think this is all wishful thinking on your port.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L4NZJFTFPJDFVJ3MV5WUD37KPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737516},"content":"“Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BQWDLTJWCRHHHEIRSDMTLDCIDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737517},"content":"“You constantly do this. You tell yourself that you’re going to do something, and you manage to persuade yourself that you’ve done it – even though you <i>haven’t</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5XMVZGZEKRF4HHUFP7GOQXTSOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737518},"content":"“Don’t suppose you’ve any examples of this, Sorcha?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CZXBV3GISZFUVA63F6ZHWVGNAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737519},"content":"“Yeah, I do. It’s, like, every single year you used to say that you were going to give up drink after Christmas, do twelve hours per week in the gym and make a comeback to rugby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZX6PQSL5NBHWHNOZBBDXBDZOFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737520},"content":"“Jesus.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7VBD5IS3NEZJJL2MV3XY5YX5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737521},"content":"“What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4Q7DHFH7ZHEFNDTZPCI2VA75Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737522},"content":"“You had that one in the chamber, ready to fire, didn’t you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXONHI4XCNANDNGZCFYJRS3AIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737523},"content":"“And then in January, February, Morch, I would hear you tell people that you were off the booze and absolutely crushing it in the gym. Even though you weren’t.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JEQUEYDDSBHGHFI4VB3OUN24MI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737524},"content":"“So you’re calling me a liar?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MV6U27XCOND27NMA5VCQYCXOPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737525},"content":"“I never thought you were lying. I always thought you’d convinced yourself that it was actually true. I think your enthusiasm sometimes gets the better of your sense of reality.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2DAAKNI76NDD5P3MM4FSFVA2HU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737526},"content":"“Well, brace yourself, Sorcha, because you’re about to be shocked.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZPFA5RIBNNFVZGCBJPLWDC7XIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737527},"content":"We drive the rest of the way in silence. Eventually, we pull into Honalee. There’s, like, five or six workmen out the front of the gaff, having their tea break.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWF534QJ7NG4NEJOAHIYBQKRBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737528},"content":"Sorcha goes, “My husband is just going to pop up to the attic to get the Christmas lights if that’s okay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLE4UDM4VVAJBJZYGNNXTTSITE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737529},"content":"“Don’t mention Christmas lights,” one of the dudes goes. “I spent the whole of last weekend try to untangle the things.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CUWKGNAOGRFFTJSQW5YL5LAIGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737530},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Well, Ross is convinced that he wrapped them all individually after last Christmas.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4772MPCP4NAH3PP35HCQ2LBGVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737531},"content":"The dude actually laughs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XYHPWZZSKZDUPIQ2PBONOHAD2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737532},"content":"He goes, “I always tell myself I’m going to do that. That’s me. Every year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WWRWIOIYTFB6JANDJQ6J5BHKHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737533},"content":"I decide to block out the voices of the doubters and the naysayers. I tip upstairs, open the attic, clamber up the ladder, switch on the light and find the box. I stare at the lid of it for a good, like, thirty seconds, listening to my own breathing as I prepare to open it. Then I grab the two flaps, tear it open and look inside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SI4YD5GCJ5DZTO5GRJNWEWBETI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737534},"content":"Sixty seconds later, I’m carrying the box down the stairs and out to the cor. All of the workmen are standing around waiting to find out whether I actually did wrap the lights or not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLIBWT7TFZA23PDYQGHZ6AVGVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737535},"content":"“Well?” one of them even goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DAUJY44QDRDMDPJUILWDTJXS2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737536},"content":"I’m there, “Get on with the work, will you? We want to be back in the house before Christmas 2025.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6TL73MN4JD6ZFIWTS6VU7S7YA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737537},"content":"I throw the box on the back seat and Sorcha storts the cor. She doesn’t say anything for a good, like, five minutes, then she goes, “I’ll tell you what, let’s treat ourselves to new Christmas lights this year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4OS3I46YQNBNHBGKJ74Q57PAJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732699737538},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, good idea,” and then I go, “Past Ross is a total dick, by the way.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"I’m absolutely sure I wrapped the Christmas lights last year, and didn’t just fock them into the same box"},"display_date":"2024-12-07T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. 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We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers. Mine has a picture of Tadhg Furlong, Dan Sheehan and Andrew Porter wearing Santa hats and the words “O Scrum All Ye Faithful” on it. Sorcha has made hot chocolate for everyone and I’m sitting there with my pen poised.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XPB2U7AK65CMZFBTRC7RXEPGYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887838},"content":"Johnny’s like, “A focking bike!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W4EWGFUCPNEPLAYXWHR3MEN5PQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887839},"content":"Leo’s there, “An electric guitor!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7W4XWYME6RCNLDE3YM6O5SSFD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887840},"content":"Brian goes, “A mini Ferrari!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FCRP6LDVKNG2BMNTONFIBZVVOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887841},"content":"And I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Go slower, goys,” because I’m struggling to get it all down on paper.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GEKZTEGAL5GL3HZ5YBPJVKUFF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887842},"content":"But that’s when Sorcha decides to put an end to the fun.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y7BQQP7PLZCVVK6VYAHCDAEOOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887843},"content":"She goes, “We’re not just going to throw everything down on paper as it occurs to us. We’re going to write a more <i>considered</i> letter to Santa this year?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NISVQJJX4ZDT5IU4ZRMVCDZCEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887844},"content":"The boys look at me as if to say, “Talk to your wife, will you? It sounds like she’s having another one of her wobbles.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I4NXX3XH7ZGHHJDYVIRNDCDOFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887845},"content":"Honor goes, “Oh my God, does this have anything to do with the letter that JP and Chloe wrote last year?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I4WWEPPHORHDPJN4WSVWQXLLRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887846},"content":"Yeah, no, long story short, JP and Chloe posted little Isa’s Santa letter on Instagram – it was very cute, in fairness to it – and it ended up going viral. And I remember Sorcha complaining at the time that our Santa letters had all the chorm of a ransom note, containing, as they did, nothing more than a list of demands and instructions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RYMD7Q5VEJFFFB7KHTIDKDYKVY","additional_properties":{"_id":"5VKJRJMLBZHS7CWKE7GOXHVRYQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"WFDPZAILQRGLFA6CMDNSUMS7OA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887847},"content":"Sorcha produces a small box, which it turns out contains writing paper – and not just ordinary writing paper either.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6TZPO7TTEZHG7JJT64YRD2R3RI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887848},"content":"“It’s from a fully sustainable source!” Sorcha goes. “Meaning it was produced using virgin fibres from a Forest Stewardship Council-certified wood, adhering to the strictest environmental, social and economic standards! It’s also corbon-neutral in the sense that any CO2 emissions caused by its production were offset by methods to remove it from the atmosphere!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UDBAHZCIWRGCDLRK4HYLFAWQMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887849},"content":"You can almost hear the Christmas joy being sucked out of the room.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RXD35RBKZJGNLB3AKTTWFWCSIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887850},"content":"Honor’s like, “I’m sure you’ll make sure to mention that in your Instagram post.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TQLVX6HMCBGIDGTTDUDOVZJFL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887851},"content":"“Also,” Sorcha goes, producing a pen, “we’re going to write it using a soy-based ink, which has a far less hormful environmental impact than petroleum-based inks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QWDPSDCPKZAW3E4BRJZJNYD5NI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887852},"content":"“People are just going to think you’re a knob,” Honor goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCT66VHFWNC3DCH4HGAW6BHREE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887853},"content":"Sorcha just ignores her. She takes a page from the box and goes, “Okay, we’ll stort with the address. Obviously, it’s different from last year. We won’t go into details about the fire. We’ll just say that we’re living with Grandma and Grandpa Lalor for now. Okay, here we go. I’ll put ‘Dear Santa’. Then I’ll stort off by saying that we hope he and Mrs Claus are keeping well, despite the fact that the North Pole is, like, 20 degrees warmer than it was a century ago. And I’ll say that you’ve been very, very good boys this year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCXYVAIIANFXXG3JYQ7X4MFC44","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887854},"content":"I’m there, “Again, we won’t mention the fire.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J2KWZYKWZFCZPMDUS2ETZISTDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887855},"content":"She goes, “Right, what we do want for Christmas – as in, what do we, like, <i>really</i> want?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PSTGHOL74VDNXAKQGDOT2T7AIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887856},"content":"I’m there, “Johnny mentioned a bike.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4C37SUOE4FBW5BQML7ZHPPYJR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887857},"content":"“A focking bike,” Johnny goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SBDX6W76PNE5DHAQHJG6LCZB7E","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887858},"content":"I’m like, “A <i>focking</i> bike. I stand corrected.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6SO6FH3XU5ETPDF62V4G2FZYBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887859},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Why don’t we – just for one year – ask for gifts that are slightly more, I don’t know, <i>ethereal</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZCPLLGR7FJEU7LSTISYA4EKNFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887860},"content":"The three boys look at me for an explanation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6EWSMX336NAJLNX3VPUTKDC7TY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887861},"content":"I’m there, “I haven’t a clue, goys. I was on the senior cup team, bear in mind?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UVAWMDGF3JFWZHPTQ55SJXDT54","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887862},"content":"Honor goes, “It means things that don’t cost any money.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OPGT7JHWE5DH5LEN5XWXQFPPAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887863},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “It means spiritual things.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVL6JHDBHVGSZMUJ7F5SOG6XCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887864},"content":"“Oh my God,” Honor goes, “this is totally for Instagram. People will say that your children are going to grow up to hate you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YNWVANDE6NAXTDACIDPQQFVLJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"IEH52E4JYRBNLG7KZVQ5CSEYQI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"VTHGUIFPLJCTZI473AJ5MG4D3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887865},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Why don’t we ask for – just as an example – peace on Earth.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3XVS5NWHFCW3O2CWCSE6FEYE4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887866},"content":"I’m like, “Is that not–?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JB7NMP4XNBE6PNNH6WI3HARGRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887867},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N6VTZYWV7BCFHM63RZV6TZESKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887868},"content":"“Well, God’s deportment?” I go. “I mean, Santa is just a dude who runs a workshop where he makes <i>toys</i> all year round?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYTK6OVPSZHKJNIKFVRGQTQKEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887869},"content":"“I’m putting down peace on Earth,” Sorcha goes, then she writes the words. “Okay, what else? What about climate justice?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYABWATWWBH55FKGKSXEP34HFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887870},"content":"“The fock is that?” Leo goes – and he’s well within his rights.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QVFKMZNRBCWPHPVEEJ232YSQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887871},"content":"I’m there, “Again, Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above<i> </i>Santa’s pay grade?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PRFTH4X56RGILDKNREC45KOAGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887872},"content":"She’s there, “I’m going to ask him for a stabilisation in our emission of greenhouse gases in the short term to at least put off the global catastrophe that’s coming our way. And also more windmills and solar panels for the world. Okay, what else?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BNSRGNPPFNDCXM6G3VQXLORXL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887873},"content":"“A mini Ferrrari,” Brian goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H6CJ6ZUA4ZEVBG5A6MJ3PHAWXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887874},"content":"And Sorcha’s like, “Again, Brian, we’re trying to think of less <i>tangible</i> things?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H35MRV3MARFGFBBA7EPCOF4XS4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887875},"content":"He looks at me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z7FG776LIBAQRFXXQ35MXHUROE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887876},"content":"I’m there, “Jesus Christ, Brian, you’d a bigger vocabulary than me when you were five.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PAB7UY7IJFH3PMEO7QIETC46W4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887877},"content":"“Come on, what else?” Sorcha goes. “What if we just ask Santa to keep us all safe and healthy during the coming year?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FJG6PZBU5RCW3EI2AIG45TNAKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887878},"content":"I’m there, “Again, I see Santa as the boss of a humungous Amazon-type warehouse in the snowy wilds of wherever. I think we’re asking a bit much from him. He might think we’re ripping the piss.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GPRTL67GXJEDNJSZSB7P5IT3CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887879},"content":"But Sorcha goes, “Ross, he and Mrs Claus live on a sheet of ice that has thinned by almost 50 per cent in the last 50 years. Actually, I’ll mention that in the letter. Then I’ll sign off by saying that this is your wish for Christmas and you don’t want any material gifts this year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TC5KHUQPEFCF7E3JLN7GSD23HY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887880},"content":"Johnny’s like, “What the fock?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LYA653YEZRH3FDANNN6NH7PULE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887881},"content":"“This is going to be the shittest Christmas ever,” Honor goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"44OWHQJNHBBTHBMGMK7HLMOO4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887882},"content":"I’m there, “It’s definitely shaping up that way.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2577G7KSRGYHGZ57ASQSLN4QM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887883},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Lots of love, Honor, Brian, Johnny and Leo.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"57ZP5MEUBFAILGHVMHJOEL6FJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887884},"content":"I’m like, “Sorcha, just to repeat what Johnny said, what the fock?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AJ5SGVMC4FEEXNMXB7KWK7KYZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887885},"content":"She goes, “Right, I’m going to go and make some more hot chocolate,” and she takes the letter and heads for the kitchen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PIHG4YAL2BAD3LRRNXJ3OL7HMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887886},"content":"Leo’s like, “Are we getting no presents from Santa?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XLXCCRE5SZFALCDEZ6WHDPAXTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887887},"content":"Honor’s there, “Don’t worry – it’s just our mother looking for likes from strangers again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IYLZI6ZBPZDVBAOYVBFV4OEXJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887888},"content":"I go, “Has she posted it yet?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5XVDULP5OVANXB27XGY4K7T6D4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887889},"content":"Honor checks her phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BB5T7VMN7BES5NTU5V2EY7FTWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887890},"content":"She’s there, “Yeah – 30 seconds ago.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GYQ37XNOH5AJTMHIC6RXBB2RVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887891},"content":"I’m like, “Any responses yet?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VUZTIUMOHJAMZB7AQBWKRPSIMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887892},"content":"“One,” Honor goes. “Someone called her a knob. Oh, and someone else just said that her kids would grow up to hate her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H6GGYSSZS5A5FKXHBOB623DLCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732538887893},"content":"“Right,” I go, “let’s write your real list before she comes back. 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The Mount Anville Gazette?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PD3XUOUJEJE4VBSQSAFXFYU5VI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772947},"content":"“Exactly,” Honor goes. “And there’s an editorial in it calling me a fascist.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RMV5SZFKANGYJDXKJLOPD2XVRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772948},"content":"I’m there, “A fascist? Jesus! Here, what do they do again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JTQLNTQTYZFRHDGZYPC3OTLOAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772949},"content":"“It means an authoritarian,” Sorcha goes. “Someone who’s dictatorial. Autocratic. It means she believes in the suppression of dissent.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YZJVDLYGGFDBFMURFG6ABWBZOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772950},"content":"Honor’s there, “Er, does that <i>sound</i> like me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6G3MROTL2BDDXB4XLZ6GRUFAYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772951},"content":"Sorcha doesn’t give her a straight answer. She just goes, “You’ve definitely chosen to be a different <i>kind</i> of Head Girl?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7IBWLYQ7VVFM7IJZO3UDZKCMEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772952},"content":"Honor’s there, “Are you saying you’re on Thia Hall’s side?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KTDZBTNJTNEXTI6EPNWRGGPOKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772953},"content":"“I’m saying that you’ve spent the last three months dismantling decades-old institutions – like the Student Council.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6TH4YOPF5NHRTNF3KYL4ASW5UU","additional_properties":{"_id":"RVJX6DU5GRHAXJSXD6RED64MDA"},"content":"‘When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"YTSG4GE2XVG3LEYD4Y22SEOMMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772954},"content":"“As Head Girl, it’s <i>my</i> job to be the voice of the students of the school? We don’t need some bunch of dweebs claiming they have the right to speak for everyone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6FZ7XEH4IZEMJE6FAMFRCBKXDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772955},"content":"“And I’m making the point that, to some people, that kind of attitude might come across as fascistic. It might appear to some that you’re attempting to subvert democracy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JEY246Y2DVDJTHJ72IP5LUSJEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772956},"content":"Honor’s like, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IKCHXYKZVBETJOLAYUXQA27KCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772957},"content":"“And also attempting to close down free speech,” Sorcha goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RIPVP2RFNJHYPLJL527B36P2CA","additional_properties":{"_id":"5SLDYCD5V5BAXOHK33SRLUW5RE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XKF4LDBTNNFL7AYT2Q3PHYBLKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772958},"content":"I’m there, “How is that magazine still going, Honor? I thought the old man and Hennessy were going to use their influence to get all the advertisers to pull their money.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FLU4MCIW2NCBBEDRBXXIFAFVVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772959},"content":"“That’s a very good point,” Honor goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CRZGPNCKTJBBNA4TTAZMLIGKJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772960},"content":"I’m there, “Is it?” delighted with myself. “Fair focks to me so.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7MVQEJSH4NACPDCCT4PPCS6NCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772961},"content":"“As in, like, who’s funding Thia?” she goes. “There are literally no ads in this magazine any more. So, like, who’s actually paying to have it printed?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IDHXDM7UQFAKLED7YEILGPPWJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772962},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Can we maybe change the subject? Honor, you haven’t told us what you want for Christmas yet.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T2M2TRNOMJFN5EWDSOF7WLEC24","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772963},"content":"Honor’s there, “Someone is backing her financially – and I’m going to make it my business to find out who it is.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2ILVB6GTRD57ATIPGYSRHSWQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772964},"content":"“Even though I can’t believe we’re talking about Christmas already,” Sorcha goes. “Seems like no time ago that we were in Quinta do Lago. Mind you, it was midterm – so it <i>was</i> no time ago?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3I5E2ZU5VGMZEGT7JC6EBDS5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772965},"content":"I’m like, “How are you going to find out who’s bankrolling the girl, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QD64OHXILNF2JMD5ZNVVIHPCUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772966},"content":"And Honor’s there, “I’m going to ask Hennessy to find out. There’s this, like, private <i>investigator</i> he uses?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UDV5IKOSJBBNDD3FB4GBBSKMOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772967},"content":"I’m like, “You’re not talking about Flatfoot Frankie, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NCZSIIVV2RBMTLT5DCVXYZCIOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772968},"content":"She goes, “Frankie – that’s his name.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3HQLZAF7F5CSJKTNTPI763L274","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772969},"content":"I’m there, “I can’t believe old Flatfoot is still knocking about. I did port of my transition year work experience with him. He used to get me to name random people and then he’d have their bank account details within, like, half an hour. That’s how I found out that Fionn’s granny left him half-a-million snots in her will. This was back in the day when half-a-million was considered a lot of money.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ERBMOB3YPRA6DNOZ23K32T3PIY","additional_properties":{"_id":"FWXIGZFW7ZFS3MJY62BNODIZTM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"HPYRG6S3YNFW5MV7WTEKPCIVT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772970},"content":"That’s when Sorcha suddenly loses it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PZEVJMCYP5DX7MMDQ4T3HI7SFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772971},"content":"She goes, “Oh my God, <i>why</i> are we still talking about this? I’m trying to talk about Christmas here!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEIKSAZP2JHC3HA5HFJFMTX5QE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772972},"content":"I give her a long, sideways look and she’s, like, red in the face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W4NQQXPMKFAS7IANYQXTQDOKXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772973},"content":"“Oh! My God!” Honor goes. “It’s you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3DOQMWZOMBFJRAHFOFUD3M4ZVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772974},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Me? What’s me? Oh my God, what are you talking about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NZSSL5ZIWFDABB6KBF7JUS4S6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772975},"content":"Honor goes, “You’re the one who’s bankrolling the magazine! Go on – deny it!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V6EZ33TUL5EIHLEKV5OMBCNGQI","additional_properties":{"_id":"M66ACM26TBC7VEBOCU5BH764DQ"},"content":"‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IW3QDPTZRVATJE2BZN56XVZGAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772976},"content":"Except Sorcha <i>doesn’t </i>deny it?","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5HSKHTSBFH7NCKGSTYOFXVXME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772977},"content":"She goes, “I happen to think that a free press is the lifeblood of a healthy body politic.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XJPVVPUN65CGTMVQ4B7KSR22HM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772978},"content":"I’m there, “Jesus, Sorcha – what kind of talk is that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KUBJBKTKJNGRBLG46CVX2JW6MI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772979},"content":"She’s like, “I set up the Mount Anville Gazette for that very reason. And I’m proud to say that it was one of my legacy projects. Because power needs eyes on it at all times.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3N47553ENVALRN3QH2NI4XI22U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772980},"content":"Honor’s like, “Oh! My! God!” and she storts turning the pages of the magazine madly. “Oh! My focking–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJO52OTQCREDXDET4YGNKORUJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772981},"content":"I’m there, “How much is this actually costing us in terms of shekels, Sorcha?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4PROFJKQMVC65N4RHV7NK4Z7EE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772982},"content":"Honor goes, “<i>Honor O’Carroll-Kelly’s efforts to close down The MAG are an attempt to subvert democracy and close down free speech</i>,” and she’s, like, reading from it, we’re talking word for word. “<i>A free press is the lifeblood of a health body politic.</i> Oh my God, Thia didn’t write this! You wrote it!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QK7VS3FIBVHZNKXCMDMMNN5VVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772983},"content":"Sorcha doesn’t even <i>try</i> to deny it? I would. I’m terrified of Honor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UJRKO3EABHDNKHMMHB4V6V4BA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772984},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Thia asked me – as a former Head Girl myself – to write a guest editorial on the age of authoritarianism.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CTKZ5MABYRAJPC3YUE3M6OCXLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772985},"content":"Honor’s there, “What, without putting your name to it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W5NBD4OL2NAUJA2WWFBYJOLS2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772986},"content":"“Yes, such is the climate of fear that <i>you’ve </i>brought about,” Sorcha goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NG3SBVCZM5HUZLGEN6GAC3HA5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772987},"content":"I’m there, “I can’t believe you’ve gone against your own daughter, Sorcha,” loving not being the bad goy for once in my life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XS3WT7ITSRE2TC43AZODCVEV6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772988},"content":"Honor’s like, “You compared me to Donald Trump.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7GT6MDZ6S5DBXOODT7FZJJNRIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772989},"content":"“I said that a lot of your behaviour – yes – comes across as quite Trumpian,” Sorcha goes. “Refusing to accept the outcome of democratic votes when they don’t go your way. Using the sixth-year ski trip to line your own pockets. Treating anyone who questions the way you use your power as an enemy to be destroyed.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CWJ7OGABOJCGFIB6CO66M4M6I4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732111184228},"content":"I’m there, “You’re bang out of order, Sorcha – in fairness.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DU3CIEQDBZGR5DGYL2AVUK7LFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772991},"content":"Honor goes, “Stop the cor!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"P7PCV5BY7ZEKFKNL24O354H7JM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772992},"content":"Except Sorcha doesn’t. She goes, “I am not stopping the cor. We’re on the Stillorgan Dual Carriageway.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XTBU6EBULBG4LB4IPFE4G2LEYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772993},"content":"But Honor throws open the back door while we’re still moving and suddenly the thing is flapping around back there like a fish’s gill.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FXAYV2ZOLBDQFC5SSDDEQAWDRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772994},"content":"“Stop the focking cor!” she screams.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DYCJFJWERRFOXN23H2TOULNMNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772995},"content":"Which Sorcha then has no choice <i>but</i> to do?","type":"text"},{"_id":"KV6KNYSIGVHHRIFNUEEN52ICIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772996},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “What are you going to do? Get the bus the rest of the way?” and she’s really putting it up to her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4HFIMMRAFG6VNXPVO5LDKNOGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772997},"content":"“No,” Honor goes, “I’m going to get an Uber.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FL2VSB6HKZANXHAJYANKL7YNQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772998},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “I make no apologies for saying it, Honor, that you are a danger to democracy. Watch the road there as you’re getting out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCVH4EHDPJFG3HVXF3EWDVCFU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925772999},"content":"But Honor goes, “You’ve made an enemy of me now. Bad move ... <i>Mom</i>!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ASQ3OVYA5BNBMADOCCPCZWTEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925773000},"content":"Honor gets out and slams the door shut.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6YDBOKXUXBE2FIXXQUFDVYYQMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925773001},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “What’s she going to do to me? Seriously, what can she do?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQF7OG3G2VEEJMYQZZIORYIIVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731925773002},"content":"But she sounds genuinely scared. And from bitter experience, I would say there’s every reason she <i>should</i> be?","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Honor’s like, ‘You compared me to Donald Trump’"},"display_date":"2024-11-23T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. 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Barney does this all the toyum.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ISXNG7AUD5DNHAAU4NSCEQCEIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387643},"content":"Borney being his mate in the Gords who I’m paying five hundred yoyos to – yeah, no – scare my children straight.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IVZAPHWMMFBO5AL4HCCWC2INKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387644},"content":"I’m there, “I’m just wondering is it a bit –”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MTPFCTTCDBAV7F6JOEWBYMYZKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387645},"content":"He goes, “A bit what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4BSMZGUFHFBQVIVCHNIRTONS34","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387646},"content":"“A bit <i>extreme</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ONLLGIIETNFRZKQZ3KH2LZU45M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387647},"content":"“<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/weve-no-idea-what-caused-the-fire-and-were-sticking-to-that-story/\" target=\"_blank\">Rosser, thee burdened down yisser house</a>.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RHLG3G7FBNGHXNXZ7CSWQIM4EQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387648},"content":"“They didn’t burn it down. Only their bedroom was actually destroyed. The rest was, like, <i>water</i> damage?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SOPCO2IGXFC5ZIDXX5LR4O27OE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387649},"content":"“And look where you’ve ended up libbon.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B27255DCGNAJVDX6RIHDOYUWZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387650},"content":"Yeah, no, Stoney-focking-basher. In Sorcha’s old pair’s aportment. Until the place has been fixed up, which they’re saying could be, like, Morch of next year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"24EQ7GJYRBFKRDMDCMD32I4WCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387651},"content":"Sorcha’s old man walks into the kitchen then and – totally out of left field – goes, “We flush the toilet in this home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QYWLUUTNN5HFVHPRZADXT326NM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387652},"content":"I’m there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"77PHAEFVWNE3PLFF5KFMKOH534","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387653},"content":"He doesn’t even acknowledge Ronan’s <i>presence</i>, by the way?","type":"text"},{"_id":"VPOXWYNFAZER5MWTCL6LXRH4KA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387654},"content":"He goes, “I’m sure you’re used to my daughter doing everything for you. But while you’re living under my roof, you will learn to flush the toilet yourself.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DV6N6ON5KZANNATRUBBZ7AHUKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387655},"content":"I’m there, “<i>Your</i> roof. You don’t have a roof. Your roof is somebody else’s floor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BLML2EXJLFCPJABJISCVMTLURQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387656},"content":"“Do you think you’d be here if it wasn’t for Sorcha? I’d happily see you out on the street – you and those children of yours.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6EUQP7TI3VE2JCM2OZNIPUHL3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387657},"content":"Yeah, no, that’s how he talks about his own grandkids.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N5HHT6G6QFBSLAI6U7NSGCEMH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387658},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not sure I can put up with five months of this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M5YV4REH2VHHNOCEXPDUHTTCOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387659},"content":"He goes, “I’m sure you could find somewhere else to live – if you really put your mind to it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YS4YUCBWCRAX5IIC4R7WIERNH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387660},"content":"I suddenly hear this loud, smashing sound coming from outside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VOTFRQT7XVEWRPS76E45TJI67M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387661},"content":"“The fock was that?” I go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMGGPWBMFFBZXF7CSKPR5Q6Y7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387662},"content":"The dude is like, “Your children are dropping Sorcha’s mother’s plant pots off the balcony. Do you want me to deal with that as well as flushing the toilet – and wiping the seat for you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQCHO4PQYRFJZER2MZUPACEBYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387663},"content":"Yeah, no, my aim wouldn’t be great – which is random, I know, coming from a kicker.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AFZPE7UUUBBP3HUBKIDQ6QP6DQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387664},"content":"The dude focks off then and I turn around to Ronan and go, “Okay, let’s do it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KUP3MN5QJZBQFL4XBOS4RASC2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387665},"content":"He’s there, “Are you shewer?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJWT4CA2L5GTXDSN7XKH5BQ5CI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387666},"content":"“Ro,” I go, “they’re out of control. I could have died in that fire.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5PX6K35AX5ALHAZYA4ORDE33MA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387667},"content":"So Ronan whips out his phone and rings his mate, Borney. Half an hour later, the buzzer goes and I let the dude in. He’s a smiley dude but he’s built like a focking Portaloo.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PFONYUYYA5BXXNZUPZRVZCFKPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387668},"content":"He’s like, “Brian, Johnny and Leo – is that the names?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MSEWOWS2CVEQ3J7CEEWUXJU74U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387669},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, I’d big hopes at the stort.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMVT3RBBQZFMLMRHR5J2BD63AU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387670},"content":"He goes, “Sure, lookish, we all need a steer at some point in our lives. Like this one here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C2IBZENKJZFLRFNABXI4Y43V4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387671},"content":"He nods at Ronan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DPJYF6SNHVHHFENON5B2FUUDRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387672},"content":"He’s like, “How many times did your mammy ask me to throw you in the cells?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKO4W5QBHNG6NFTP2GMA2EMP5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":"LOAKGFBZ6FGSXD54YCICHORWQE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"DWAEOLTNOBBFTIHVHKRXNGJKMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387673},"content":"“It was more than a few,” Ronan goes, laughing at the memory.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TQX3JIDWC5D6RKYQH7BMKP4OHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387674},"content":"Borney’s there, “Go and get them,” which is what I end <i>up</i> doing?","type":"text"},{"_id":"ML3SPKENT5CFVGZDMMBNGVONDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387675},"content":"The triplets are now spitting over the balcony onto the heads of the – in fairness – mostly hipsters below.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NA2WIGKLBRH43EM7GAMOBRKOU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387676},"content":"I’m like, “Goys, there’s someone here who wants to talk to you,” and they follow me inside. When they see the copper standing there, the three of them turn white. They obviously think it’s about them gobbing on the foraged cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd, which I’m not even sure is a crime.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XO2L4LU4EVG7XOKFS2HC26BMQM","additional_properties":{"_id":"GEQUMVXBXFB3HCVFOLCS6QEWJI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XBETB74SGBHAJCGGQZ5DUDKJHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387677},"content":"Borney gets straight into character.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XY6TKZ6RARBNLHESVDC565XPIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387678},"content":"He goes, “I’m arresting you for causing criminal damage to a house in Killiney. You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say may be used in evidence against you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LE4BBWHEM5CPZIWDDIAFI4YVCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387679},"content":"The three of them are in, like, genuine shock, but they go quietly, walking out the door ahead of Borney, who gives us a big wink and goes, “I’ll have them back to you in a few hours.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"44ODWEU3XNGJVOZN6OUU2BUVGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387680},"content":"Ronan can tell that I’m worried. He goes, “Thee’ll be mustard, Rosser. He’ll thrun them in a Peter for a couple of hours and you won’t know yisser selves, the diffordence in them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6KVZGM4RZH5THFEVVFGQKZKJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387681},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, you’re right. It has to be done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WH3CSUQD7NHAJNWTV6RVCNWC5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"QNRIOUMLAJDTXPFLFF6AQWD2VQ"},"content":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I wonder sometimes are these kids definitely mine’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"WWVQHPBOHRHTLNCNXVYCY7BC3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387682},"content":"“Rosser, the last time Barney locked me up, I was 10 years old and me ma found a map of the Bank of Ireland on the Ballygall Road under me bed. I got it off Showtime Sal and Johnny the Rat. Ten hours I was locked up. I nearly went off me nut. Barney says to me, ‘Could you do ten years of that?’ Let’s just say me career plans changed overnight.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JRWQ753E5NEJ3OSZZH4DLF6J7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387683},"content":"It’s shortly afterwards that Ronan’s phone ends up ringing. He answers and goes, “Barney, calm dowun. Take a brett. Where are you?” and then he hangs up and goes, “Mon, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7RW4OT4OQJH7FNLHRJOEO5ZMY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387684},"content":"I’m like, “What the fock is going on?” as I’m chasing Ronan down the stairs, across the forecourt and then out onto the street. We haven’t gone far before I get my answer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YYMFAKBCNJGADHU537UD5BCRG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387685},"content":"There’s, like, a Gorda cor and it’s, like, bent around a lamppost and people are standing around, eating their fermented acorn waffles and drinking green juices out of mason jors, looking shocked.","type":"text"},{"_id":"M5725OM25BDJBH7ZZ2KVB5LXO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387686},"content":"Me and Ro race to the front of the cor. Borney is sitting in the driver’s seat. The airbag has gone off in his face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S53G4LEE2NDZZO2F7LD5QIQZLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387687},"content":"Ronan’s like, “What happened, Barney?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJ5BP7QGSBHFJNHK7XUV3HD24E","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387688},"content":"“The one with the glasses,” he goes, meaning obviously Leo, “made a grab for me handcuffs.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AI5JEIH3WRDVHJDKL74URKF6AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387689},"content":"I notice that – yeah, no – the dude’s left wrist is cuffed to the steering wheel.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQYT5RIJ2VGTFNCLNWFXVFLXWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387690},"content":"The back door is open and there’s, like, no sign of Brian, Johnny and Leo.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TIJNULQ275CT3IUGY4CYEEAS3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387691},"content":"I’m like, “Dude, where are my children?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PZRIIMOCM5B4VNRZLJH2DJSLNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387692},"content":"“Over there,” he goes, nodding in the direction of three boys, who are holding up the traffic by fighting in the middle of the road. Brian is wearing a Gorda hat – presumably Borney’s – and Johnny is trying to hit him over the head with an extendable truncheon, while Leo is screaming obscenities about the Gordai into Borney’s walkie-talkie.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMAG6NRAAZFDVCT2737B6Y2KOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387693},"content":"“I’ve seen some mad kids in my time,” the poor dude goes, “but I’ve never seen anything like them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"REWQB5Q7K5AGZEI5NISXWEG3WA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387694},"content":"I’m there, “Can you maybe call for back-up? Get them to send another car?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GBOOYPT7TBCYTJLD6VSR232WYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387695},"content":"Ronan goes, “The fook do you think this is, Rosser, Uber?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VP325Q45D5BQ5DRCHMULPYWRXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387696},"content":"Borney’s like, “I could lose my job for this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DZAKQ23XPBHSNK3IIW3HA3MHPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731326387697},"content":"And I’m there, “Right, well, thanks for trying, Borney. Okay, Brian, give the nice man back his pepper spray.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. 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I’m up to 21 of however many there are – 26, 27?","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQX72E2J4VDPLAC4JEDUFLIXIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579014},"content":"I’m there, “Why are you giving me a heads-up, by the way?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PQEX6QNA4JCRRKNFGT7B76SZI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579015},"content":"She goes, “Just in case something happened while I was away that you don’t want me to know about and you have to hide the evidence.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3FC7BMNPRFHH3L2RLX7A5TZILI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579016},"content":"I laugh. 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The house is on fire! Get out!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBPO4IM255AXNM4CBCS75LD42I","additional_properties":{"_id":"GXOCFMCSMVFFRKGJGDUAUXKQIQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XESU2ZVVHBGPXLD2APH5TUHSJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579021},"content":"That’s when I hear a voice – Honor’s voice – go, “We’re fine, Dad!” and I realise that it’s coming from outside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V2VGFZF7SRACVJBC553NMID3DE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579022},"content":"I tip downstairs and head out to the front gorden. The four of them are standing there in their pyjamas.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FDRR74NZTRCXNKS4Y5SEZCUL24","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579023},"content":"I’m there, “Er, you wouldn’t have thought of telling me, no?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZTR7T5AIGREGVOFQJ7UWTNGLXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579024},"content":"Honor goes, “I shouted your name and you didn’t answer.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RECZ7T4DSBFR3MTF7ZEQLIA3PE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579025},"content":"“I was having a nap. I was doing some of my famous inside-my-head thinking and my brain, as usual, shorted out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E3PYY37DKZEWPBWFSNMHLG2ZDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579026},"content":"“We just presumed you went to Finnegan’s for a sneaky pint like you did every night while Mom was away.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJ4LWZTGARFPPJUIRWILSMMR7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579027},"content":"“Maybe don’t tell her that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3H4KZUTH6FHVLNZEGW4LUCSX74","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579028},"content":"“Anyway,” she goes, “the fire brigade is on its way.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6YFZV42ZBVHHFETQ6SCVAERUZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579029},"content":"I’m there, “What happened?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R3OWBF7PXZDUNPKKUVTKWJXBTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579030},"content":"“Leo let off a firework.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HR65LDKFKZDYRIFPEVBLBGO7II","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579031},"content":"I turn around to him and I’m like, “Where the fock did you get fireworks?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7LW35HU2GVBERL4FVMS7OSKXOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579032},"content":"He goes, “I bought them. Off a boy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S2HIVDURTBB25OHFKXRX5HUGEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579033},"content":"“What boy?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JXKODAU2VBGELBOCPEBFZIHCLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579034},"content":"“A boy in school. I told you and you said you didn’t care.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4KUDRAJLFD25GHCDNIN2PISYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579035},"content":"“Well, it’s possible I wasn’t listening. But why the fock did you let it off in the house?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XJWPTO3CZCSJJ27DYC7UQ5COY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579036},"content":"He shrugs his little shoulders.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XLKZZC7WWVH6VP3EFUH6EFGHH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579037},"content":"I’m there, “Are you stupid?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3KVSQAQHLVFBTL5764QKP43KG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579038},"content":"He is stupid. He takes after me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4UMTZI3O75CXVOC6VWWJDDUELM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579039},"content":"Sorcha’s cor pulls into the driveway. She gets out, giving it, “Oh my God! My babies! Thank God you’re safe!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UGQYNTVUDFE7JPH4BURQAEVHPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579040},"content":"Out of the corner of my mouth, I go, “Don’t tell her about the fireworks, okay? There’ll be focking war.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOU2RYNPTNFGVMAAWVNUOZIYNA","additional_properties":{"_id":"G2UXCBL7QBHPDARTUEM6FG32RQ"},"content":"‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"C5RAA76TRNE55NWGXMGFX7ET7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579041},"content":"Sorcha storts hugging the four of them, going, “I don’t care what happens to the house as long as you kids are safe!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V2SS7FQ7JBGGLKXSHMAA6NLZWY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579042},"content":"I’m there, “Would I have time to run in there and grab a few bits?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZXR7N2AT3VBV3PRWXINDOSDOTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579043},"content":"She’s like, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6KAU5X4UGFAMFCSIEFTRKKXGBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579044},"content":"“I’m thinking in terms of my tactics book obviously. And the Caelan Doris jersey I bought at that auction ... ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MIRFHUTW4ZEDBFAZ7LJJ64JVTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579045},"content":"“You are not going back in the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BRYIBD5QBGSPIUGXCQRNHSBZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579046},"content":"“But only a tiny bit of it is on actual fire.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2MY6K2ZTUREAJL2SAWZBHKYHAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579047},"content":"“Fire spreads, Ross. By the way, do we even know how it storted?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G6LGCLVMJBFCPJJS5XDK5QVTUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579048},"content":"I’m like, “No, it’s a total mystery – isn’t it, goys?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UL2YDFBOK5CITBDYQX7JT5XF7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579049},"content":"The boys all nod.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RBJZZDWVSRER3IKNHPWK752VQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579050},"content":"“It’s their bedroom that’s on fire,” Sorcha goes. “Goys, was one of you playing with matches?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LLCSPYQY55CZBIF2WJAAAQ52A4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579051},"content":"They’re all like, “No.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QQ2TJFFKRJHK5F65X6BEYRFFDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579052},"content":"I love their ability to lie without conscience. They get that from me as well.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UA7YSQCXMFEGLK6YCGRHZUSXOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579053},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Ross, you didn’t let them have fireworks, did you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CLWPUKCE6JBJBGZHW3SD4LJ3MA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579054},"content":"I’m there, “Fireworks? What do you take me for?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UHOKMUCGPNAQNFYNBWTHDF55EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579055},"content":"She’s like, “My apologies, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3NAL6KQWLRENZCVJ25QWCBQJME","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579056},"content":"Ten seconds later, a fire engine – lights flashing and sirens sounding – pulls up in the driveway. Six dudes get out. 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I don’t care about the house as long as my precious, precious family are safe.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPMRCJT4AFDN3FSNS4Q3DZSGWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579060},"content":"Her voice always gets about three postcodes posher when she’s flirting with someone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AXAH3EEUNRHM5K27LGPGL4UUCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579061},"content":"The dude who was checking out the house comes back and says the fire is contained to the bedroom. They should be able to put it out quite quickly but there will be a lot of water damage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LDYCIYUMYJDLJPY7DXDMJE6TPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579062},"content":"I’m like, “Given that, could I quickly nip in and grab my Rugby Tactics Book?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WYPQNJCWLZGCRNVSKVTBJZ32O4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579063},"content":"He’s there, “We can’t let you into the house, Sir, until the fire is out. It would be helpful to know what caused it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDTZUCJSE5CMNATJHZZTZAHIQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579064},"content":"“We were just mentioning that we’ve no idea,” I go. “And we’re sticking to that story.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7FVGJ32Q2VEANJPY7WUXMCCF7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579065},"content":"He goes, “Did someone let off a firework in the house?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U4VPDOP6OJFY5JRH4O6BX66TXM","additional_properties":{"_id":"WR5VXWJCNFAHFAFLEEUIHBLF4A"},"content":"‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"LUA7LXNMOZCZBJ3GABSGSEP3YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579066},"content":"I’m like, “Now <i>you’re</i> saying fireworks. Why does everyone keep saying fireworks?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4M7TNCN2MBEAJEI6NQVNDYEMOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579067},"content":"“It’s just that around this time of year,” he goes, “a lot of house fires are caused by fireworks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XFCJUPVVMZEKPES64TY5G64IZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579068},"content":"I’m like, “Take my word for it. There are no fireworks in the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OCHDCHR6G5EUJM6DG75OJLH5LE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579069},"content":"No sooner have I got the words out than there is a loud, whizzing sound coming from inside the house, followed by a bang, then a series of pops, then a louder bang, then an even louder bang and within seconds the night sky over Killiney is lit up with a full-on fireworks display.","type":"text"},{"_id":"M7TLV26OQZGFPL7JCO4KMYFJ54","additional_properties":{"_id":1730721579070},"content":"Leo goes, “I bought them from a boy in school. 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Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CLWW75IQ2NDKBMWUQVGV37YJEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972428},"content":"I’m shouting encouragement at everyone. I’m like, “You’re doing great! You’re smashing it out of the ballpork! You’re all winners, as far as I’m concerned!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TX5O2MLCS5E6BFY5N5XOWPEZIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972429},"content":"Honor – it shames me to say it – is also shouting at people. She’s going, “Are you out of your focking minds? Do you know how much damage you’re doing to your bodies? You know you’re all going to end up with orthritis and osteoporosis?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BEX4J55KRZFRJALZUOJTBV3QPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972430},"content":"The two- or three-hundred people who’ve also turned up to cheer on either loved ones or total strangers are giving <i>me</i> daggers – like <i>I’ve </i>any control over my daughter and the things she does.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T3LGPDVBMRG5BGEKIRIJZJD5EU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972431},"content":"I’m there, “Honor, maybe <i>stop</i> hurling abuse at the runners?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7VFASRNPN5GHRH7RKFVN2NTL4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972432},"content":"But she goes, “I’m giving them sound medical advice, Dad. I don’t understand why anyone would put their body through that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XI7AWEXDFCCVAVC6BQBH7S3RE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972433},"content":"“Because it’s an achievement, Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IDWDQV7NYFGRLK7CKE7HNGLSWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972434},"content":"“What, having the knees of a 90-year-old at the age of 37?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K76I4LLCH5AWJITNP4WWP3QSKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972435},"content":"“No, I mean being able to say that you finished a marathon. There’s only, like, a select group of us who can say that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6IW63KWWYBBIFL67PS3IFSJRVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972436},"content":"She gets straight on to her phone, of course.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B7SVCTYDHVDM7G4LUBVKCYGOLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972437},"content":"“One million people per year,” she goes. “That’s according to Google.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2ESKK3DKGVBNDFYGWY7KUCPFHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972438},"content":"I’m there, “Well, one million people per year then. That’s a pretty select group. And JP is going to hopefully be one of them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XKHUEWCEERFXPFFOTW3HIXYY5A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972439},"content":"She goes, “Will I look up the number of people who are suffering with debilitating joint pain?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SIHVFRQKJVATVP6QJMN44TSOPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972440},"content":"I’m like, “Er, no, Honor,” because a lot of people in the crowd are already staring at the girl like she’s a cold sore on debs night. Instead, I go back to shouting encouragement at the runners. I’m going, “Remember, pain is temporary – quitting is forever!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QOO2CLXAWBAF7FABERZBS2UQ4I","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972441},"content":"I look at my phone and I check where JP is on the tracker. He’s just turned off Roebuck Road on to Foster Avenue.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JJGJTS7G75EZZL4S3PCQTYZ7OM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972442},"content":"“Pain is your body’s way of telling you to stop!” Honor is telling every bunch of runners that passes us. “Give up now! It’ll feel amazing!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SX5JYXCUCVA2XFJDCPURD5KYCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972443},"content":"I turn around to her and I make the mistake of going, “You’re only saying that because you don’t know what it feels like to actually <i>achieve</i> something in sport?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5BIAKICYQVEKDCSG2IE4GOICZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972444},"content":"She’s there, “Nor do you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OBUN6SGFFBBWVD4BXYIBXP2YEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972445},"content":"I’m like, “Er, I won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup, Honor. And I can tell you for a fact that they don’t give out a million of those every year. And I finished this marathon.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZXWOWCLH2NBYHJW2Q2KBFHEFAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972446},"content":"She goes, “When was this anyway?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FOFMGQX2YRDZTIR4BNVYBYIMZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972447},"content":"I’m there, “It was back in the day. There’s a photograph of me crossing the line on the bookcase in the livingroom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QPUSYU6YLNBEPAIZDJ7I5HFQVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972448},"content":"“The one of you finishing just behind a man dressed as a toothbrush?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VNDJ33F7IJAZXMXCSQF2KLEMQI","additional_properties":{"_id":"HHH3FKEIXRHDJJ5NKFP3ANPTBU"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"GRFHQGNKRZFV5KSAFGGXAVTVZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972449},"content":"“Look, don’t get me wrong, Honor. I’m very proud of you and everything you’ve achieved in life. You won the election to become Head Girl of Mount Anville. And you’ve – how did you put it? – consolidated your power base by limiting the number of places available on the school ski trip then wait-listing anyone who didn’t make it to keep them in line. And – again, your words – you’ve suppressed dissent by closing down the school magazine. But I’ll always have my Leinster Schools Senior Cup winner’s medal – obviously, not literally, because they took it off me for doping – and I’ll always have my medal for finishing the Dublin City Marathon.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4ZXFMAOFZDHVHYKZP2BCC2C4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972450},"content":"She goes quiet then. It’s, like, a major burn for the girl. Then, suddenly out of left field, she goes, “I’m going to run it next year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"73XHAYVUZFGMBAMJGZE7HNUSPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972451},"content":"I’m there, “Don’t be ridiculous.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U2GZQGMYGVHSFM4ZRG3YEBX4TU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972452},"content":"“I’m not being ridiculous. I’m going to run it just to prove you wrong.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KL472EEKDJEB7MGMNLUFXH37QU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972453},"content":"“Er, I just said I was <i>proud </i>of you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GEVP2DJ5RRCXLLNEJW4KJHQYYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972454},"content":"She goes, “What time did you finish in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7CO7NDPKNBCRJKYWR6Z3BX7SR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972455},"content":"I’m suddenly there, “Er, I’m racking my brains here to try to remember. It was definitely in the top percentage.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JHPE3EIIQJE3VFHYFYYJJKWJHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972456},"content":"She’s like, “But what <i>time </i>did you finish in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VUGGOVYFX5AETF7BQCZTSBJBC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972457},"content":"I straight away know what her game is here. She’s going to try to run it faster than me, thereby undermining my achievement.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TQ42NYANSNCK3NO3RW3KUFSVHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972458},"content":"I’m there, “I’m pretty sure it was, like, three hours and 20 minutes – somewhere in and around that ballpork.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D4AEUFJWBFACXOJP7QSLJCACYI","additional_properties":{"_id":"6VAIDEKLFVCTXAKO3YJNLPMJCE"},"content":"‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"25EYPF2K6JGZRNJOOALN4GIJ34","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972459},"content":"She calls up a number on her phone, then dials it. It turns out that it’s the number for home.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J2TZDMA66RFLFLEVRB65NWFSTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972460},"content":"She goes, “Mom, can you do me a favour? Can you go into the living room? Okay, you know that photograph of Dad crossing the line in the marathon? The one where the toothbrush beat him in the final sprint – yeah, that one.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C3VWCHZM3FEH7N5LFWGPYI5KKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972461},"content":"I’m like, “This is very childish, Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7RRG4MZAIFCWBHGJPJNQ3JI5WY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972462},"content":"She’s there, “What time does it say on the clock above his head?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SNCZOZMVMVHIPKFYQJWT2AXC24","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972463},"content":"I’m like, “Why are you so hung up on my time?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BPHTOY3V3ZD3HHT4OQ4ZWSRJHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972464},"content":"She goes, “<i>Four</i> hours and 20 minutes! Okay, thanks, Mom,” and then she hangs up. “Oh my God, you’re such a focking liar!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQT5GJYC7FDZLMKLDBFCHJXEKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972465},"content":"I’m there, “Finishing the thing is the real achievement, Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2LYDYDQV25BIRIPY7URMOTVYF4","additional_properties":{"_id":"AZDT54JBUNCJBOP62L6XKD3VOA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"PMY64LUC6RHSHE4DXF35FYHQ6U","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972466},"content":"“Yeah, you’re only saying that because you know if I can run it faster than you, it will totally undermine what you did.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SYCRYRUVJVHTHIT4OZ3VGMTMEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972467},"content":"“The thought never entered my head.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NSTATT4DV5CHDKHO4DWPTENQQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972468},"content":"“I’m actually going to stort training tomorrow.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ETG2553H4BB6PBRHGUXNYDDKUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972469},"content":"“The one thing I would say about running on the roads, Honor, is that you can end up with, like, serious, serious<i> joint </i>problems?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I76PVNOSF5FWBFOXWKLKZ4CN7I","additional_properties":{"_id":"M6LMYAEXEBEB7EUY4WXVP7DT4I"},"content":"JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"YNAXDKM2CRA7FGQVK2YK4AVNLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972470},"content":"“Oh my God, you’re pathetic.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XEPZ2R472BDKLPIZMMLGXVCWWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972471},"content":"“Orthritis, osteoporosis – and that’s only the stort of it. I actually think I damaged my lumbar vertebrae just trying to finish the thing. Was it worth it? Looking back now, I would have to say no.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFH675RRU5AORNAEMEDXHNF7EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972472},"content":"“You’re scared that I’m going to beat your time, aren’t you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LUMWTFKXJRFNTAJ6PWUVWWAMPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972473},"content":"“No, I’d be honestly delighted for you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3T2NO3CC3JDU3DNXLKIPOL7E3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972474},"content":"Even as a highly skilled liar, I can’t look the girl in the eye. I check the tracker and I realise that I’ve somehow managed to miss JP. He’s passing the UCD flyover.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PW4WYARBIRG6BBAVBYFMA7EPNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972475},"content":"Honor goes, “Oh my God, look at you! You’re absolutely raging!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T7P5SHRRYZAWVMTYWPGC2GLGA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972476},"content":"I’m there, “No, I’m not, because when push comes to shove, I don’t think you’ll go through with it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3OEPGREILNEJ3LPJNVPBX3L2LY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972477},"content":"She’s like, “We’ll see.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FFY2G6P2CJFSTEG2IGDIHE5MN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730116972478},"content":"But if I know my daughter like I think I do, she definitely, definitely will.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly: JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds"},"display_date":"2024-11-02T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME","auth":{"1":"4df7010b0f7f8aa6338f41d1d6323edd485ecf67fd88a110b4d407fd86b41547"},"focal_point":{"x":862,"y":616},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":350.668,"episodeTitle":"JP is running the marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, but Honor’s telling runners they’re out of their focking minds","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/6724dcf188da449c967f7530.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/people-in-the-crowd-are-staring-at-honor-like-shes-a-cold-sore-on-debs-night/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"EVPCDPHVHREZDANO3YZQ3A3JEI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-thought-of-booking-a-table-for-one-at-shanahans-on-the-green-got-me-through-my-prison-sentence/","content_elements":[{"_id":"OLNTKUGN3VCB3E62JTPV57AKAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420986},"content":"Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YSDP3KU4TJGJ3DKDDY2RLVEFCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420987},"content":"So I answer the phone and then without waiting for him to say a word, I go, “I’ll see you at the usual spot on Richmond Road. How will I know you?” because he’s usually wearing some kind of disguise.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N7ONIZAKPJBTHJWSSZ53EVYZTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420988},"content":"He’s like, “I’m not ringing about me. I’m ringing about your old man.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XQ6KWQLIVFARPNJBAMEDOY253U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420989},"content":"I’m there, “The old man? What about him?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2OCCHL2NSFHCLGV7X6LKTUEOW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420990},"content":"He goes, “In all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him like this before.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OFDALOL5PJCIJKLE5CJ5FZCTFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420991},"content":"“What is he, hammered?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4W2PPKBPFEQVJOOOI6FDC472U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420992},"content":"“No, he’s – I can’t even believe that I’m saying the word – depressed.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KEPKCFUFEVHHFJCIAKURADYGN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420993},"content":"I’m like, “Depressed?” because – yeah, no – like the dude said, I don’t think I’ve ever known my old man to be even down in the <i>dumps</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"TR5LHDZ3CVFNBLPSACVYVF7GEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420994},"content":"I’m there, “Where are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6RPRKXOC6BC4JBVDX3XLMY4QPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420995},"content":"And Hennessy goes, “The Horseshoe Bor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M6O637MFCVAJXMFDUIMGWRPHME","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420996},"content":"I’m like, “Are you absolutely sure he’s not just pissed?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OZHEQR5B35EP7AOASWOHY2LVTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420997},"content":"And he’s there, “Just get here, will you? I don’t know what to say to the man to get him to snap out of it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5SGFNTC5K5FOXFJF5CFEVE5PFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420998},"content":"So I point the cor in the direction of the Shelly and then off I set, wondering – probably like the rest of you – what the fock this is all about.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5E7O5YTG2ZGNXCCY3YIZXDSJNA","additional_properties":{"_id":"BVY4C6KOTZBIZA66YRL5L3JKRE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XNXK3ST2NBDUXPNSNA3DG65COA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503420999},"content":"When I get there, I spot the old man straight away, slumped at the bor, two hands to his forehead and a lorge cognac sitting in front of him, untouched. Hennessy is standing a few feet away, looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting around for a grown-up to fix it for him. Seriously, 50 years of friendship and I honestly don’t think they’ve ever had a meaningful conversation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ACZPTWKOQZBMPHCX3WZVBRUUII","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421000},"content":"I walk over to the old man and I decide to take the softly-softly approach with him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ANIGJQTMQBDGXORN6WB3UHN6G4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421001},"content":"I’m there, “You better have a good reason for dragging me away from my children!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HS2WGJSDSFAMTHPR2A2P6N7DKE","additional_properties":{"_id":"NQ7G5GJT5BCCHF5NT6BGX3D2RQ"},"content":"JP is staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"GHWVG32ZR5GSHKYHD2DHJBV4V4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421002},"content":"I don’t mean it, of course. I love being away from my children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B4J3CGZC5JD4POTUWS4MWY2PWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421003},"content":"He goes, “Ah, there you are, Kicker!” and he says it in a really, I don’t know, <i>sad </i>voice?","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4IRWYE76BDXRKKZMUQJL4K5V4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421004},"content":"I’m there, “Don’t give me, ‘Ah, there you are, Kicker!’ What’s going on? 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Shanahan’s closing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OMODLDD55RGNDIMSVZQWLWZ4PM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421011},"content":"“I had a New York strip sirloin. And you know, if I close my eyes, I can still feel the thing melting on my tongue. I said it to John. I said, ‘John, this is what Dublin has been simply crying out for!’ as the waiting staff were helping me into my taxi outside. Well, we became instant friends, as you know.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L3EIHNBOL5EYPGG2H4EVJBUE74","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421012},"content":"“Yes, I know.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7W7N2VJ37JB2NMVZKSJROK5ZYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421013},"content":"“We went there as a family – do you remember, Ross? – the day after you won the famous Leinster Schools Senior Cup.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LLBQYB6MRZAMDJRLFBWOEA2AZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421014},"content":"I go, “I was hungover to fock,” pulling up a stool beside him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3NNTMN27PNBQLMY3DPOWGGUIRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"BSONDH4S45DWXPG64MEVM66HKI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"OETOAHMDPZEIHHGPOAIHHXY4DA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421015},"content":"He’s there, “I had the bone-in rib-eye that day. Rare. Plate was like a crime scene. A bloody well mountain of their world-famous onion rings and a bottle of Chateau Léoville Barton. That was the night John let me have a go of the late, great John F Kennedy’s rocking chair.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5B4FDP2Q6BEXRAPR6QFBJLCTMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421016},"content":"“He didn’t let you have a go of it,” I remind him. “You just sat on the thing – and broke it, if I remember correctly.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q5N2K3IXKJAXVFQZNBUKYX3RCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421017},"content":"“The chap was very understanding.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QAHUKE5ILVG6NH43CFBNCXJDRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421018},"content":"“Yeah, no, he put it behind glass after that as well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GJVNFZ7H35DGJOZRQJUUCIYK2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":"GTDXXDYFSNC5ZFCYTFCWKR2ZHM"},"content":"‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"BYNUE3P5BRFKBDIKMDWWYBUZRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421019},"content":"“The actual chair he sat in and contemplated what to do as the bold Fidel Castro brought the world to the brink of nuclear destruction. Wonderful, wonderful times.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J2Q2FB7TJ5HGRBEX2L3OCE3RGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421020},"content":"“Whatever.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FPRGLMESARF3NHJCTYCHLOSGOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421021},"content":"“And I remember when I was in prison that time – for, well, something I didn’t do – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H6XKDIFBKZEOPMPVCWFOHYDKTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421022},"content":"“Yeah, tell the truth before the Mahon tribunal.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TIRGHY7CEBAAJDXZQF7ZH2RTLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421023},"content":"“– I remember lying in my cell on the very first night and saying to the chap in the bunk underneath mine that the first thing I was going to do upon my release was book a table for one in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/food/restaurants/2024/10/15/dublin-steakhouse-shanahans-on-the-green-closed-until-further-notice-due-to-financial-challenges/\" target=\"_blank\">Shanahan’s on the Green </a>and order a fillet mignon with peppercorn sauce and a bottle of their finest Domaine Ponsot Gevrey-Chambertin. That thought got me through my sentence, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UROFF2B2QZBK7PHSIXK743KA4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421024},"content":"“Not seeing your family, no?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SA7SCSAYFBEGLF2XLZBQFZWZOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421025},"content":"“I was released on licence at half-past-five and I was seated in 119 St Stephen’s Green at 7pm.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VOXTPAWHSZAMTBD47VO42OZZIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421026},"content":"“Dude, you have to stop looking back like this. You need to look forward.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JXC33QEJ2ZCAJCM4IHTV4RXG3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421027},"content":"“I’m too old to look forward.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6RN5ZB5EB5AQ5INAMMNNZ6PE4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421028},"content":"“No, you’re not. Remember what you said to me when Kiely’s closed down that time and I was wetting the bed for about a month afterwards.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQDVEQFSNJBOJPWGARNEW3YB24","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421029},"content":"“What did I say?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"52TIS73CXJAIHLGWZ44E7FGPWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421030},"content":"“Something that Fr Fehily used to say. Sometimes, good things come to an end so that better things can come to a beginning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4I4CHPW5CNDTFNPKEJPKRDL6GQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421031},"content":"He suddenly perks up – I swear to fock, it’s pretty much instant.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YBW3CSURGVETPOMXBL66VRXBRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421032},"content":"He goes, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying, Ross?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KQCZJVO33FHABKYCOGQCUNYCDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421033},"content":"I’m there, “Er, probably not. What do you <i>think</i> I’m saying, just as a matter of interest?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IVPTZ3ZPDRATPCN3TMAZ35EUNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421034},"content":"He spins around on his stool and he goes, “Hennessy, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EJ2J4RF7LNAOLKLBWYUXEH2IZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421035},"content":"Hennessy’s face lights up – his favourite toy is suddenly fixed again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U6PQ5HEAVJGKTFNT7NQLA6NGCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421036},"content":"He’s like, “Drink that cognac, Charlie – just so that I know it’s you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EYHRC2ACVJEPFN5TC6ZNVZIIWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421037},"content":"“Oh, I’ll bloody well drink it!” the old man goes. “And 10 more like it!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UBAJL7XAKFFF7HY3KTOPJ4FQWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421038},"content":"I’m there, “Okay, maybe keep your <i>voice</i> down?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G3FXHH7GA5H7FNQGCCKRIGLDLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421039},"content":"The old man goes, “Ross here has inspired me, Old Scout – and not for the first time either! He knew the very words that I needed to hear! And now I can see a clear path forward! I know what is to be the final act in the life of Chorles O’Carroll-Kelly!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZXPIJ4LTIRAX3JFLM7VH5DFLW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421040},"content":"I’m like, “I honestly don’t know what I even said.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NMARZW7THNFUVDNKECVDM65CYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503421041},"content":"The old man goes, “Let us get out our metaphorical chequebooks, Hennessy! We are going to buy Shanahan’s!”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant, and Hennessy is looking like a kid whose favourite toy is broken and he’s waiting for a grown-up to fix it for him"},"display_date":"2024-10-26T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’ ","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"E4MJNLP4DNDZDLBALAH65RAHEA","auth":{"1":"800b8300ef5dce21e334baafa5439a0c92b28f0a327b80d94f094fed2965863e"},"focal_point":{"x":1096,"y":440},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/E4MJNLP4DNDZDLBALAH65RAHEA.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":379.54,"episodeTitle":"The old man is depressed about the closure of his favourite restaurant","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/671cc3e2ad476088079062ca.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-thought-of-booking-a-table-for-one-at-shanahans-on-the-green-got-me-through-my-prison-sentence/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"BZI3X3CROZAAXPIFXW2JQVNUUI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/jp-is-staring-at-me-like-ive-said-im-really-enjoying-his-old-dears-onlyfans-account/","content_elements":[{"_id":"JGUGJ77PQRGZXIKXBECCZAH36Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231852},"content":"JP says Chloe is writing a novel based on her college days. He’s like, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CO2L5HBXSNBSNLZOO2ELXWDQWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231853},"content":"I’m there, “Jesus, why would anyone want to do that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VZXMSZ6YDZBFLLKSKZ5I6OI54M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231854},"content":"He goes, “I’ve no idea – but she said it like it was a <i>good</i> thing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2CNJPF7JFZCQ3L3KHHB3JNIFNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231855},"content":"And I’m like, “Fock.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2AX6JU57FBPLENGTMVSR5L27M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231856},"content":"This is us in The Bridge last weekend, by the way, with Munster beaten and Saturday night stretching out in front of us like Yolanda Adams on a chaise longue.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KAO44QGZ7ZEOZE343R3MYHPEN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231857},"content":"I’m there, “I’m guessing there’ll be a character based on me in there,” because I had one or two scenes with her back in the day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AWNOPCAE7NHY3B47EK7VK6NTFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231858},"content":"He goes, “I doubt it,” because he doesn’t like to be reminded. “You were hordly Connell to her Marianne.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FQ3NYUSGQJHY7BWYLKM3OCRZXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231859},"content":"And I’m like, “Yeah, no, you keep telling yourself that, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X3ZBHPFPJFAVXHR2WQSMFBKOKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231860},"content":"He decides to change the subject then. He goes, “How’s Sorcha?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UC265SLBCJDKLI55CJJ4Z52QVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231861},"content":"I’m like, “She wants another baby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZCHMJTCONZGBBPK3O663GWRKJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231862},"content":"“What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VAGNWCIC5JDY3PLZMEXKLYG32I","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231863},"content":"“Yeah, no, she dropped it on me last week. Wants another saucepan.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67F2S2GHXFFJ5HUEXHLXE6BTCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231864},"content":"“But you’re – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WF4PB4NHAREURO3CLBEMI7ZJ6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231865},"content":"“Early to mid-forties.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EKCTSLGJORCYFJ5ZYQQP6ITWUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231866},"content":"“And she’s – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SHGQRYTPSRG2TIN2EXFHUVW54E","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231867},"content":"“Same ballpork.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOFBOWCYQNARFHAWP3KTYH4UUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231868},"content":"“You have to talk her out of it, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5TYRALYYZHIVAAT3OXFEJI6NQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231869},"content":"“Yeah, no, I’m in the process.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XJSAMQ4URFFHHLEYBKPDE4OSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231870},"content":"“And how are the boys?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YXECJ6EPSRCE3E7HD34EPH72UM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231871},"content":"“Not great. Well, fine in the sense that they haven’t been taken into care or anything like that. But they’re absolutely shit at rugby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RBXC6KNVXRFVVCYN4YJCMIRK3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231872},"content":"“Every parent’s worst nightmare.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CCUGHC33FJG35N767M5R27EYGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231873},"content":"“I mean, I bring them to Wanderer’s every Saturday morning and they’ve no even interest. You remember Mick Stelfox? Played for Mary’s back in the day? He’s their coach and sometimes he shoots me a look as if to say, yeah, no, sometimes genius <i>skips</i> a generation?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"23HF4WN37NCX5HUHEAVO2JUNLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231874},"content":"“I’m so sorry you’re going through that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AV4UACX42FFXVMD5Q4MT55A6Z4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231875},"content":"“That’d be the one good thing that <i>might</i> come out of having another kid? If it was a boy, I could focus all of my energies on turning him into a rugby player. It might even motivate the other three dopes. Whose round is it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"53OC3PX6EZH2DOZ7GIJB6Z76XY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231876},"content":"“It’s mine.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SZ7ZNBMLZRBQLMR3UVBTK2A3PE","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q73ZSZRJU5F2DBMKANLXN3TQ6M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"YB6KMUXQFNFEPMKNEKM5VR6AEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231877},"content":"He signals to Jamie for two more pints of the Amsterdamage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6JDFGSYUBJBGPINWJOENM6DZEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231878},"content":"I’m there, “It’s screens, Dude. They’ve ruined them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N4OLCP74ARC6DJBNN3HWMV47PA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231879},"content":"He’s like, “Isn’t there anything you can do?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PUWUBXADLRBMTDNKKRRUGISFVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231880},"content":"“They were so bad last weekend, I thought about doing my old trick of, you know, sending them chicken feathers anonymously in the post.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MW5TS5T5S5ADNC7NHHZP6WDKP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231881},"content":"He’s like, “What?” and – I swear to God – he’s suddenly staring at me like I’ve said I’m really enjoying his old dear’s OnlyFans account.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HLIRXPBAYNBEBNE75TXR4FKIWY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231882},"content":"“It was you!” he goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YV3TQ2MLUJCAJHKOIJS74SLGA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231883},"content":"I’m like, “What was me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ODZ6MTBEKBCP5L5Q445HGRMZUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231884},"content":"“When we were in school, in our Senior Cup year, someone sent me chicken feathers in the post.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMG5LYPQOZFK7AUPJWZHD4FOAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231885},"content":"“I told you it was me, didn’t I?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N34WQWIFDFDORP2NZRTBD4GFUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231886},"content":"“No, you focking didn’t.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"APTLOQJD7VHWVEXFJPFS47BSFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231887},"content":"“Well, you dropped that high ball under pressure against Belvo and I thought you needed something to focus your mind.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3P2W2OIGTNE2BAENC3WFQ2A4XQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231888},"content":"He’s suddenly just, like, staring into space, going, “I can’t believe that was you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KQGCPZCUIRC33GL5PQUJBUQNWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231889},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, you didn’t drop another ball for the rest of your schools career. You’re welcome, by the way.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PJOLB2XNDJGRFBKE4J2B743I24","additional_properties":{"_id":"QOY26S47RVBQXPLNANFGN3DXFI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"KEIA4WEV7BBQLP6SCRHCIW63MM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231890},"content":"Ten seconds later, Christian shows up, absolutely full of the joys.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4UYMBJ526BDVTJTSWD2FQ3JVGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231891},"content":"He goes, “I believe you and Sorcha are trying for another – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7RUEY3GJNBTXMD7SULHIJFOTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231892},"content":"I’m like, “We’re not trying for another anything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MNK7XAROSZDFBKHBRPLKZWNV3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231893},"content":"“That’s good. I was going to say. At <i>your</i> age? Are you all right, JP?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OEEF746HQ5ATLPA3TZ3ZCIZKNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231894},"content":"And JP goes, “Ross sent me chicken feathers in the post.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BJKQEUEYBFCFPKYCAF7UTPYA3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231895},"content":"Christian’s like, “What?” because – yeah, no – it’s definitely random. “When?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NSYTXIKYCZC2JMYB5UGDXYTDBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231896},"content":"JP’s there, “In our Senior Cup year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W5YGT2LMQRHS3A5F2RZKXZMBVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231897},"content":"I’m like, “I thought I definitely told you it was me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW6L67TSHVCXNEPBZHVYRILYQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231898},"content":"But now it’s Christian’s turn to look shocked.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZOTZUOLPY5DBHOY7UZGH3NLPRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231899},"content":"He goes, “Someone sent <i>me</i> chicken feathers in the post after I gave away a penalty against Michael’s.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IVG3I625ZRDM5CCU2UM6J3EO24","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231900},"content":"I’m like, “It was a stupid penalty to give away, Dude – right in front of the posts.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ZL7WB5SAFGSNDB7ZVLGAZP3BQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231901},"content":"“It was <i>you</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MDRZB456UNGEJPVQ6W3VUSMN54","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231902},"content":"“Goys, I was your captain. It was my job to motivate you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7SQO2TWOS5DFFEAO7BLKTCVOCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231903},"content":"“My old man phoned the gords.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFPIK23ATVBPZJKK3VGIYUR5DA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231904},"content":"“Well, now they can finally close the case.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ROA5UVFWRVDCBGHD46OK6NXVOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231905},"content":"“That’s, like, haunted me for 25 years. Who could hate me so much to send me chicken feathers in the post?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQSHQWEUPFA2JIPQIBWVA3NVDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231906},"content":"“On the upside, you were probably our best player that year – after me obviously.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASLTGHROWRGJDOFJGMICVSOGUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231907},"content":"That’s when Oisinn decides to finally show his face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5THB4PJRFGWTHOO6LKPVDBS7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231908},"content":"He goes, “Great result today.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4H4TQYPRDJGITPFVNOYY777AZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231909},"content":"I’m like, “Wasn’t even close.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMK7XJ722VGRRE6WTO74DYOIQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231910},"content":"He goes, “Here, JP, I believe Chloe is writing a book based on her college days.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4X6PMMCSPJECHIANLU6ID5VYPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231911},"content":"I’m there, “She’s hoping to do for DBS what Sally Rooney did for Trinity.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QGTKFUK3PBHJLKMIT3E7GCZISI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231912},"content":"He goes, “Why would anyone want to do that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2I3YKMAZC5AMPLYAL2HR7RJLUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231913},"content":"And I’m like, “You took the words out of <i>my</i> mouth, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3BVE5RRLDFCNPN6PAYJRGBHMNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231914},"content":"JP can’t let the other thing go, of course. He goes, “Oisinn, did you ever get sent chicken feathers in the post?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6HMQBZKHB5D7VLHAHF2ANKXMXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231915},"content":"I’m like, “Okay, this is turning into a witch hunt.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SIACH35SUNDSJPQ5C4GYKYH4D4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231916},"content":"Oisinn goes, “Once. After we played Gonzaga back in the day. I was penalised three times for collapsing the scrum.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MPBV7JOZLRFPDODHAMM5R2QC6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231917},"content":"JP goes, “Just to let you know, it was Ross who sent them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ULWF4X2B7BDANMJHRUO7ZX73FA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231918},"content":"Oisinn’s like, “What?” giving it the big dramatic response. “You?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WXXIZBS5GBETFCRF5YN7XYNZ3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231919},"content":"I’m there, “Goys, I genuinely thought you knew all of this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4SZAS7TX7NFZPM6XICRWMQNVPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231920},"content":"“I had nightmares for weeks afterwards,” Oisinn goes – which is a <i>bit </i>OTT?","type":"text"},{"_id":"E6YICKLTRVCDVNPSHV735CLG64","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231921},"content":"I’m there, “But you also made the Irish schools team that summer – even though you got shingles and couldn’t travel to Orgentina in the end.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4CZG5FZSXFB6VHBNE6OFA3HMD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729173474332},"content":"The three of them are just standing there with their mouths open.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HVGE6NNKBGTHGFYFBG7CT5GSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231923},"content":"I’m like, “Don’t stort trying to guilt-trip me, goys. Do you think I liked having to do it? Not one of you would have won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup medal if it wasn’t for me, can I just remind you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AZO6A2ZMPFBCRJSNOJRANF77BE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231924},"content":"That’s when Fionn appears – last as always, to avoid having to get his round in.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AURHZ5SGDFCEHO2S2QFPHYVOSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231925},"content":"He goes, “Hey, everyone. Hey, Ross, I hear Sorcha’s talking about having another baby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GLNNGZYOJFDDFPK3YY5ALVRUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231926},"content":"I’m there, “Jesus, has she announced this on Insta or something?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7OPKHIN3HBASHP3JY5PKX5OLIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231927},"content":"He’s like, “No, I was talking to her earlier. So why’s everyone so quiet?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5U7C6XSEUFDCXN3MXT6DE5L4CI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231928},"content":"JP goes, “Fionn, did you ever get sent chicken feathers in the post?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HFAN43QBLRE7TF7P4E6AZH2R54","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231929},"content":"I knock back the last of my pint.","type":"text"},{"_id":"72UJGLZEHBEIHKWKS6KS2F7MV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231930},"content":"He’s there, “Yeah, when we were in school. Four or five times actually.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DSZFEHTLG5BCROOO5VUAPKHH3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728911231931},"content":"I’m like, “Do you know what, goys? I’m going to hit the road. I’m just not feeling it tonight.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"The goys are up in orms that I used to send them chicken feathers anonymously in the post after lousy displays. 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Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJIYPL2OGVERXAGMY5XVS7KT5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794880},"content":"The poor waitress is like, “Regenerative?” obviously wondering what the fock she’s talking about.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XHVSYCHHZFEANHZWCVXO2YNBRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794881},"content":"Sorcha smiles at her – <i>some</i> would say patronisingly?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5N2DHEEZD5HTJOE5ZPDNJV2HCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794882},"content":"“As in, a form where the former rears livestock alongside the crops,” she goes, “in an effort to improve <i>soil</i> health?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQJU2X3QY5FQFEESQ4SZDHCCDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794883},"content":"The waitress is like, “Oh, em, yes – absolutely,” like I do when Sorcha asks me if I separated the waste instead of just throwing it all into the black bin.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A5H4PKTR3RD25HZR5SZAVITXBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794884},"content":"Sorcha goes, “I’ll have the beef then,” and I tell her that I’ll have the beef as well, then off the waitress focks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AXAZJZH6Y5COHA43EYJGKLU2WA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794885},"content":"Sorcha goes, “It’s amazing that grass-fed beef can be corbon-neutral, isn’t it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GHZ4CMCPC5ENTKEQPKHZ3MEGHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794886},"content":"I don’t tell her the girl was humouring her just to move things along.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6PNT2N2YIRHRBGNBLF5AGZWD7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794887},"content":"She goes, “So – this is nice, isn’t it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJG4KYYFVJCBFPZ6YB2LHCUQGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794888},"content":"Yeah, no, it’s months since we were out for dinner together – as in, like, just the <i>two</i> of us?","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3PBXKLYORBMVCB7N63MD3RM2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794889},"content":"She raises her glass and goes, “Happy anniversary!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NJWIKQI64REETKMK6MAXW3MWSY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794890},"content":"It’s our anniversary. I had literally no idea.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H3Z3H5KHMZHGLFBPFOYPXBEJSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794891},"content":"I’m there, “Oh, yes! Yes, indeed-io! The big one! The big, em – !”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HOZUGD46WJD3XBHM62HKXYXYCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794892},"content":"“Twenty-one,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L6LY34CKB5EHTGLRA6BQ672BUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794893},"content":"I’m like, “Twenty-one! Twenty-one years! It’s a lot, isn’t it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NCSIEYFIMNAXFMN2JA6OMIBH2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794894},"content":"She smiles and goes, “Do you remember they all thought we were mad getting married?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DSFQTLWSC5DNPCRENJSH3PCMI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794895},"content":"I’m there, “I seem to remember it was mostly your old pair.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EI3P42LJ4ZDTLIUK7HTKAOUT4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794896},"content":"“They said it wouldn’t last,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5N4XWJROK5CQVBHZYX2SFKGVAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794897},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, your old man was offering odds in his father of the bride speech.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DZUZELXJZJCJHL6VKUEZEOCK2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794898},"content":"She laughs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWTYP657VZDWXGCZCACWX2DJEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794899},"content":"She goes, “And yet look at us, Ross. Here we are, still together all these years later.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HCTN5SGUANAFTPTXAK47E5H63Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794900},"content":"I’m there, “Fair focks to us. I’m saying that. Although – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LI7THYHV2BFBJGBLQQJ6VLTLBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794901},"content":"She’s like, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6ZUTA65V2NF5JI4BXP36T4M2JQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794902},"content":"I’m there, “We’ve broken up six or seven times in that period.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMT2OTEWWZG2ZEH3OMM2EUINLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794903},"content":"She goes, “Let’s not talk about sad times. Not tonight.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2MEXWV53NEXZGE6VSA7UG27YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794904},"content":"I’m like, “Fair enough.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LRBHH4SBDZAXPBL26H424XTHUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794905},"content":"She goes, “We’ve done well, haven’t we?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQ7FA5BYANFMRMTGB5VGW7QCXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794906},"content":"I’m there, “I suppose we have.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UTL2OYCVXNEPTHY6UZYZOB6YZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794907},"content":"She’s like, “Four beautiful children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LGONWXR5TRCLZKKO4JFJAOKDCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794908},"content":"I’m there, “That’s one way of looking at it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"47WB47EVPNABVPZVF6HE6YQ5FM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794909},"content":"She’s, like, smiling at me across the table. She looks half-cut in the flickering candlelight.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KXWELUFJXJCINJB5JFPZIRLFB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794910},"content":"She goes, “Ross, I’ve got something to ask you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XTNFGBNAVG5ZF2ZC5P2ZUHD6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794911},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, ask away,” wondering where the fock our storters are.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XK4PK2HDTVBSVETTXQDU7C4HJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794912},"content":"She goes, “How would you feel about adding to our number?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DCXWJGG2N5B7BMLDN2E4NZFV34","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794913},"content":"I’m there, “Adding to – ?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6LYAYJHDVHLDIYVR4JTCQLZWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794914},"content":"She’s like, “Our <i>number</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MM5E5227P5FFJKFQLI2DSKRRGU","additional_properties":{"_id":"GQRSJCVY5VCOVH3S22PJAGESSQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"UMMXQHWBFBHHLAWR7KKZ6OEM2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794915},"content":"I’m there, “Are you talking about – ?” because I know I probably have to tread carefully here.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MOZHE636WBC4JIXCNF5USHUEEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794916},"content":"She goes, “Go on, what do you <i>think</i> I’m talking about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AYTA4WDY65DYXNQXL53M2KNTBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794917},"content":"I’m like, “Okay, why don’t we both say it at the same time?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2WPEDJL2JNGIBAT5QWAOG5OB44","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794918},"content":"She’s there, “Why?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OZS46PDKRVFDJPBZ7QCRJDHHNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794919},"content":"I go, “I’m just scared that adding to our number means something different to me than it does to you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CJJHENIKYJAOZMGEVFTX6OWOMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794920},"content":"She goes, “Fine, we’ll both say it on the count of three.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B73PI3JWKFEDJHFUCON6BOQQHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794921},"content":"I’m like, “One, two, three – a threesome.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LGVVI4ALCRHZVEFVAQQGW6DVQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794922},"content":"She stares at me across the table with her mouth wide open.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X6AQ3YJOCBBQFAKDEBCWXZRWTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794923},"content":"I’m there, “You, em, didn’t say anything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3K52ECVUXNDBFKOOG654JPQO2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794924},"content":"She goes, “Ross, I was talking about us having another baby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NCCYWLIRU5DEPOXRUNXV6XELKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794925},"content":"I’m like, “A what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"23MRIBUB2FAYFJJMAOUUGONKEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794926},"content":"She’s there, “A threesome? Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XZAP4Y4NBRH6ZGB3SQTTUBMXR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794927},"content":"I’m like, “Why would you think I’d be into having another baby?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JFDXZUE4H5CFTCQUBZ6C3IRSYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794928},"content":"“I don’t know,” she goes. “I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NL3DNHTNZNGWFBV3YU6FY2MBRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794929},"content":"I’m there, “Are you actually serious? At <i>our</i> age?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXSTJ7CIJ5EEDF2KFZRLNHOI4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794930},"content":"She goes, “We’re 40, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WXTONUQ44RCNVGHDWIVW4BV3BY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794931},"content":"I stort looking under the table then.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W2KYDHAMKJFWFJ2JEVNXED32UY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794932},"content":"She’s like, “What are you doing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R74J3MZZCRBMRBQE547IYEHFTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794933},"content":"I’m there, “I’m looking for the two or three years you seem to have lost from your life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CLP3XNKXBRAELI63GQMEJBRJPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794934},"content":"“Ross,” she goes, “please be serious.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZOIVFKQRZFGF5AOPIVL37DCRLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794935},"content":"I’m there, “I’m being serious. Isn’t it, like, dangerous?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FNJ2HHWJYNEDVDUZ5ENFI2SSJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794936},"content":"She goes, “Not necessarily. We can talk to someone about it. I was in college with a girl who’s just had a menopause baby. Come on, Ross. I’ve done the whole running my own fashion store thing. I’ve done the whole politics thing. The thing I think I was best at was being a mother.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OQV4AEWGI5B65EHX4U3GVAQZQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794937},"content":"I’m like, “Hmmm.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZDB36FJ2ABBKXAD5CNDT2D7HHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794938},"content":"She goes, “What’s that supposed to mean?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MB5CEVY2DVCT5KQI6PIXMZER7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794939},"content":"I’m there, “It’s just that, you know, let’s call a spade a metal-bladed digging implement here. Our kids are rubbish, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H2CVEQUIPZEPDGCCH6LK773ZSA","additional_properties":{"_id":"CTYBXNFLEZEJTAR2WQ5GX7ILYY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"75MZRCS64VHHJLIAAULEZ766CI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794940},"content":"She looks at me like I’ve just storted pole-dancing in front of the entire restaurant.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HKKRDJR2ZVCS3JYRXQTTYUPHUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794941},"content":"She goes, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WOGEZM4C3NHPPAG5OP4O3IHRUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794942},"content":"I’m there, “Come on, Sorcha. Our daughter is doing community service for vandalising cors.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDEO2JIKFRHWZOJBXWLYNNFKAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794943},"content":"She’s like, “Yeah, <i>in</i> the cause of environmentalism?” and I wondered how long it would be before she rewrote the history of that episode.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4R6JRIYJWNF37LAUXVXCHY3AYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794944},"content":"I’m there, “And as for Brian, Johnny and Leo – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HGYE7LMS2ZDBTAKC3WWCRYMUPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794945},"content":"She goes, “What’s wrong with Brian, Johnny and Leo?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GLULM6FTRGDFEP4ALPXZ42IRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794946},"content":"I’m like, “I had big hopes that they’d end up with your<i> </i>brains and my rugby ability. Instead, they’ve ended up with <i>my</i> brains – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5ECQ4PEE5BQVE7JVTV7FU4MTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794947},"content":"She goes, “That’s not a very nice thing to say about your own children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4WONCN6O5GUNFZ6TQNJVW77OE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794948},"content":"I’m there, “ – and <i>your</i> rugby ability. I’m not being a dick, but I saw you play Tag for LinkedIn two summers ago and I was embarrassed by you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NLKDBKHMV5FAFJD6N2DFG3ZASA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794949},"content":"She goes, “Ross, I really would like another baby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ACYJF3CLMVH23PNUGAL5ZBC23Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794950},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, is it the drink talking?” because she had a morgarita before they showed us to our table and we’d be childless if it wasn’t for tequila.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCWWKVUPHVFMRD63BSZ7BH6TTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794951},"content":"She’s like, “No, it’s not the drink talking.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DCGBCHTBTBDDLIVOSWCJKDQBGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794952},"content":"I’m there, “But I already have, I don’t know, five kids – six kids.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WVMOBIJ7CJFWXEPFT2YPQJM5SA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794953},"content":"She goes, “Let’s be honest, we don’t know how many kids you have, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FSTBE3POPRBMJML2GIIB2PWJPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794954},"content":"I’m there, “That’s a low blow.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KLWW4JGMFGGVKR6GUOVOCLG7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794955},"content":"She goes, “All I know is that I want one more.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QY7EWM4GHNEGXAIWTDHWSTPS3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794956},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, are you sure this isn’t just another one of your hare-brained ideas? Like getting Profhilo in your knees to make them look younger? Or that ormy diet you did before your last UCD reunion?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4UORVHLUFBVHDYCQIH7FZTUSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794957},"content":"She goes, “Ross, I’m serious.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"76FIKI2H7RDPTPDPGRRZXHC5AM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794958},"content":"I’m there, “So am I. Sorcha, I’ve already had one hip replacement. The doctor says I’ll get – tops – two years out of the other one. All those jinking runs back in the day took their toll.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I5A2EAKVFJEYHDSBCJZEHPD3QM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728293794959},"content":"She’s like, “Ross, I really want this. I want you to think about it.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Yeah, no, I’ve badly misjudged this one. 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Is she looking to have someone killed?","type":"text"},{"_id":"ITG7KHBJM5D6TATSWY46SI6S4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826893},"content":"I push the door of the kitchen and the three of them are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are, of course.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5E3ZBQCELZBVJBLQMAQMTD7G5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826894},"content":"“Kicker!” the old man tries to go. “Evenings getting dorker, eh?” and it’s obvious he’s trying to change the subject. “Won’t be long now until the autumn internationals!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WC4YBVQJINHNNHDK7DRCBQTTAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826895},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, I actually think we’ll stuff the All Blacks – ” and then I remember myself. “What the fock is going on? What’s this problem that Honor’s talking about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCLKKXTN3JHX7LFMVSXKQ3WK74","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826896},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “You’re not looking to have someone – ,” and then she can’t stop herself from looking at Hennessy, “ – bumped off, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMW6I345PBEGNORRKZLIP6TOLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826897},"content":"Hennessy goes, “I’m afraid I can’t answer that question due to attorney-client privilege.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WF66DH4BCVGV5A5OA3IU2J2ONY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826898},"content":"I’m there, “Then you can get the fock out of this house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GB4EN2CDIVHI5COMY34R7AI5YE","additional_properties":{"_id":"5L4DW44EARHIFKZR4SEQAEP5TY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"UFQKV4IXNJC35BOCRGHQUOIWIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826899},"content":"“Oh, calm down,” Honor goes. “We’re talking about this!” and she produces the latest edition of The MAG – as in, the Mount Anville Gazette, in other words, the school’s monthly magazine. “There’s a column in it about me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKAU76HSPJENRBTIAGVKEBDYEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826900},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “A column <i>about </i>you?” and then she gives it the old left to right. “Oh my God! Oh! My <i>actual</i>? God!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7TAOKBVU5ZATDH7NOHQ23QNO34","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826901},"content":"I’m there, “What does it say?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7NOSKYKTABFK3HKUEMT7DEWTDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826902},"content":"She goes, “<i>Honor O’Carroll-Kelly stands to make a profit of €100k from the sixth-year ski trip.</i>”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FMGGRL37ENG7RE3RU52S43OUS4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826903},"content":"Hennessy’s there, “My client has had her good name slandered, traduced and grossly defamed.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZEYH2UWLVVG6RAYGI34VMH7ZGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826904},"content":"I’m there, “I take it everyone wasn’t happy with the outcome of auction.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7JUJDWQ6XBFHXGXLBS45DX52IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826905},"content":"Yeah, no, everyone had to submit blind bids to become one of the lucky 50 to go to St Moritz in January.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XQW4Q72UFCLRO7BQ6DST4OSVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826906},"content":"“Thia focking Hall,” Honor goes. “She fancies herself as some kind of, like, investigative <i>journalist</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLO32FJEIZCBHPKVPGMC3SPHAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826907},"content":"Sorcha keeps on reading. She’s like, “<i>Everyone needs to be held to account. Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not above that. As a matter of fact, as head girl, she should be held to the very, very highest standards of behaviour. </i>Well, I do agree with that bit. <i>The MAG will continue to ask questions where we think they are justified.</i>”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3CZVBGMDNZEFNKV3VFRHXHYRNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826908},"content":"The old man goes, “I think we’ll get the blunderbuss out for this one, Old Scout. Like that time when the – quote-unquote – paper of record referred to Ross in one of its so-called match reports as Ross O’Carroll-<i>Kenny</i>. And I told them I wasn’t <i>just</i> going to sue the newspaper. I was going to sue everyone who had sight of the copy and take all of their homes away from them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDTLVUSIZFBBHE4XS2HHRXXSHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826909},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Well, if they seek discovery of Honor’s bank account details, they’ll discover that €100,000 is <i>exactly</i> what Honor stands to make from the school trip – and I suspect you’re making a similar sum, Chorles?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUQR34EUVVAB3MK4Y5QHEGVIHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826910},"content":"The old man’s face changes. He doesn’t want that coming out in court.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HYR3FKSOTBC3THBZXLY6ANGQHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826911},"content":"“You know, Honor,” he goes, “I think we should consider alternatives to suing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4S2MGEDIGZBLBKUDY7YBSWA5AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826912},"content":"Hennessy’s there, “Like what?” sounding disappointed, because he loves suing people.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NY55VPECJJDAZMK4DYQQQUILRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826913},"content":"“Well,” the old man goes, “we could have the magazine shut down.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UZQS6N6IJGCBBHIL7UOXBGKEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826914},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “You can’t do that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5QNVVD37AFEKJF6RVDF2CQHFHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826915},"content":"Honor’s like, “He can do anything he wants. He’s Chorles O’Carroll-Kelly.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XGRKYGUJZB6XO7GTJ3FMSKVYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826916},"content":"The old man smiles – validation from his granddaughter. He’s like, “Thank you, Honor!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3LJGIBETWRBJ5MO4KKL63AVCSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826917},"content":"Sorcha goes, “You can’t close it down because I was the one who storted it. The MAG was one of my legacy projects – along with the school’s mission statement on environmental sustainability, the indoor mood gorden and the past pupil prayers and prosecco mornings.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E7ECZGHKJFFEXHETFHE4SATMW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826918},"content":"The old man goes, “Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CRXPX7QCWFFVNG2QACGLOPSFWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826919},"content":"She’s like, “Er, <i>how</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y43DBGMUAZBIZAORMGQU44PYHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826920},"content":"He’s there, “We recognise that the traditional media is our enemy now. Honor, you have to close this publication down before it becomes a thorn in your proverbial side.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2QQ6AL7OAJDQLDX24BEOC5Z7NE","additional_properties":{"_id":"RXAHNTXI25DC7KK7ASHEXNAFYU"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"BPCYZMDY7FCTNMIAFIGCPLUACQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826921},"content":"Honor goes, “Oh my God, it would be so funny to see the smile wiped off Thia Hall’s face! So how are we going to get it closed down?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IRGJBNSKFRFXBPDWWEWCIMLECA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826922},"content":"“Well,” the old man goes, “the magazine is full of advertising. All the top legal firms. All the top accountancy firms. They all advertise in it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JGFU3C6VWRC6VI2XPQH5LIU5FY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826923},"content":"Sorcha goes, “That’s just parents trying to support their children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TKZWA7P2X5HBVBDXFSLEL6TXW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826924},"content":"The old man’s there, “Hennessy, you and I are not without friends in this town. We could lean on them, pull in a few favours, and ask them to stop advertising in a magazine that publishes blatant lies – .”","type":"text"},{"_id":"47BQV2B5YBFCFKTRYOQ6ITXYDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826925},"content":"I’m like, “They’re not lies. She’s trousered a hundred K’s.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUCZHCBMJNA3BNKSD4ZJXFGYGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826926},"content":"“ – such blatant lies,” he goes, “about a girl who only has the best interests of the school at hort.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QNYJZVABJFTPCYVIJT53TURWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826927},"content":"Sorcha goes, “You will <i>not</i> close the MAG down, Honor. It’s been publishing monthly for more than a quarter of a century.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LI7QQXQ3GFFTTGQFIVZMUYGNHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826928},"content":"Hennessy’s there, “You<i> must </i>close it to down. <i>Pour decourager les autres</i> – <i>if</i> you’ll pardon the French.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HWMM4NZH2FHITLHFP44WZA2G5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826929},"content":"The old man’s there, “Quite right, Old Bean! Today, they’re making an issue of the ski trip. 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It might gag her for a while.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UL4WJELJGJGJXIWPZTJU7IAF6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826937},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Ross, are you not going to say something?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AL7NKJQUNJCNFO5QBHNKBWJQS4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727688826938},"content":"I open my mouth, but I’m just like, “Fock!”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. 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Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day. I passed most of my college year playing pool and drinking Jager bombs with ag science girls, who were all called Una or Bernadette, while waiting for Declan Kidney to call me up to the Ireland under-19 team, a temptation that he managed to somehow resist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2LTTEKR2LNGQ7CQNRSZLQKJX5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177369},"content":"I ask Oisinn if he’s nervous and he says a bit. Yeah, no, it’s, like, Freshers’ Week and he’s been invited back, as a former Iron Stomach Contest winner, to compere this year’s competition.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYENAXQOGZFUVHMF4AUU7CUDKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177370},"content":"He goes, “Twenty-three years, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2ET2ZHGTL5DNLD7Q34KUG44ST4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177371},"content":"I’m there, “Is that how long it’s been?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WXMXNODJBZCDXA7OFBRIR4NXDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177372},"content":"He’s like, “Twenty-three years,” and he clicks his fingers, “gone like that. Sometimes, I wish – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GF7RUSHJHBEDNBFBUQ6RYI2HBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177373},"content":"“What do you wish?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LTKF2FXOEZBL3OK6E52BM22PMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177374},"content":"“I wish I’d enjoyed it more at the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2EZCUMF62BCYJP442S4DW23YV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177375},"content":"That’s Oisinn. He’s a deep thinker – very much like <i>me</i> in that regord?","type":"text"},{"_id":"2UYFGYH23BH4LKWFAZPJDRCISQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177376},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, we did enjoy it. Jesus, we went through that Orts block like gossip through Greystones.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBH24M2IK5HQXOIIUCQCRUQVME","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177377},"content":"He goes, “I suppose.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7JDGRXRD2RGB5BZ55VHW6CPNCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177378},"content":"I’m like, “What’s up with you?” because he’s been a bit down since he arrived home from Borbados.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RVO6Q6INVRCYPDGLJ2UYYBNGMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177379},"content":"He goes, “Ah, don’t mind me. I have to have two hip replacements and a hernia operation. Think I’m just feeling my age.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4YLCTCYGNZB55H2IVOFBDERQGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177380},"content":"“Dude, you’re only, like, 44.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A3ZKQHVVN5HTDHYEWKCSOJBXXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177381},"content":"“And what have I got to show for it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NVVGAMNXWBCWXOW475SGTKHUGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177382},"content":"“Er, you’re married to a great goy – Magnus, for fock’s sake!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YQQ6ER4YLJAWFA7BXL2YEMOBTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177383},"content":"“Yeah, I know that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3CGKA5D655BQVK7NT4JFIWN4G4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177384},"content":"“And you’ve got little, what’s his name, Paavo?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JTYLGKFA4JDOJBS4HVZMBBIPDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177385},"content":"“Like I said, don’t listen to me. I just feel very old all of a sudden. And being back here isn’t helping.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVGXSHGU5ZCYVM7XWB5ZIP34GU","additional_properties":{"_id":"DDKDWC272RDZFN72Q3G63ZUTAA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"LD3RLZO4WBEHVKJGSNRRLYO2QQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177386},"content":"I throw the cor into the corpork and we make our way towards the lake. There’s a humungous crowd gathered there and I think how nice it is that traditions like this one haven’t been lost.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ZA4BECAONAKLP5ZNJLTJHUEB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177387},"content":"The dude from the students’ union is called Conor and he looks about 15. He thanks Oisinn for coming today and tells him, “You’re an absolute legend” although it turns out he’s never heard of me and suddenly <i>I’m</i> the one feeling my age?","type":"text"},{"_id":"X5AN473URNE7RHPZNJEDMXPDOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177388},"content":"There’s, like, six high stools set up, but only five of them are filled and Conor explains that they had a late withdrawal. And that’s when I suddenly ask the question. I go, “Can Oisinn take the last place?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JWSEXOWNHNCMBNUF5LI62B7L2I","additional_properties":{"_id":"2YSXRSM4ONBLLMUZZRWAOLLHVA"},"content":"‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"DKPWA7C6LJBYLMYHGKM56A6PKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177389},"content":"Conor looks at the other five entrants – four dudes and one bird – and they all nod their heads eagerly. They’ve clearly heard the stories about the Big O and they’re in, like, <i>awe</i> of him?","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBTSA6RXEJCRXGJBJIZHTMFTOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177390},"content":"Oisinn goes, “I can’t. I’m too – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KRH5LMVQH5FAFPIKL46RXRS3YQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177391},"content":"But I’m there, “Dude, I don’t want to hear ‘too old’,” and neither does the crowd because they’re suddenly all cheering him on – giving it, “Le-gend! Le-gend! Le-gend!” – and he has no choice but to pork his orse on the sixth stool.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AAGJYV67IVAMJGJSWSVBJ5DEWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177392},"content":"The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove one of their socks and put it in the pint glass in front of them. The glasses are topped up with beer that’s a year past its sell-by date. They’re then told to swap glasses with each other and knock back the beer in one go. My stomach is doing somersaults just thinking about it, and we straight away have our first faller – Graham (commerce), who throws up all over his chinos the second that lukewarm, sweat-infused beer hits his stomach.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PKHOPE22RFEOVFVKJ6TLIZYYAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177393},"content":"Then the first course is served – we’re talking raw fish fingers smothered in ketchup. No one looks happy, except for Oisinn, who horses into them like a freed hostage, much to the delight of the crowd.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IISDHTR7PRGSFCZ7URBQJVGEQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177394},"content":"Before that’s allowed to even settle, the second course arrives. They’re each handed a half-pound block of butter, which they have to eat like it’s a bor of chocolate. The dude to Oisinn’s right – we’re talking Danny (Veterinary) – turns literally green while he’s eating his and just as he’s about to swallow the final bite, up come the contents of his stomach, an ugly mix of ketchup, breadcrumbs, raw cod and Kerrygold, cascading from his mouth and splashing the Dubes of the entire front row.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A34GTCWGCVC5JKQ7XPHRKZ567E","additional_properties":{"_id":"IYRAK7QPLNFVFFGZ4W26T75QNI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"ZDOTSHI3QJBCZKR3WFMEUUKFKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177395},"content":"The third course has been a staple of the UCD Iron Stomach Contest going back to my old man’s time here – a bowl of Pedigree Chum with a tube of Bonjella squeezed into it. Oisinn storts shoving big fistfuls of it into his mouth while the other three eat theirs slowly, all of them looking like they’re about to vom any second. Suddenly, Gary (orts) decides to tap out and Oisinn – this is unbelievable – finishes his dog food <i>for</i> him? And from that point on, there’s no doubt who the crowd favourite is.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F44J7FUTLVDJ3OUIYEJIKKRNFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177396},"content":"They’re all going, “Ois-inn! Ois-inn! Ois-inn!” as the fourth course is presented – a pint glass filled with dry fish food, which they have to eat with a dessert spoon. It takes a good, like, 15 minutes to get through this course, all of them choking on it like they’re eating sawdust, and Nuala (ag science, naturally) is the next to go, chucking her guts into the lake, while Oisinn – and this is a lovely touch – holds back her hair and tells her that she has nothing to be ashamed of.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B4LCMSYLXZBNFEJX5LQZR2CDDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177397},"content":"And now it’s only Oisinn and a dude called Mortin (engineering) left as the fifth course arrives under two silver cloches. When the cloches are lifted, everyone in the crowd, including me, turns away in disgust. It’s, like, a sheep’s brain, smothered in salted caramel ice cream. One or two people in the actual crowd lose their lunch when they see it and I can barely watch as Oisinn tucks into his like it’s one of John Shanahan’s New York sirloin strips.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O2SZRS4J3FADNAIB2B5JOKA4EA","additional_properties":{"_id":"5QNG3RB5QVCZBO2YG6OZK7OEEQ"},"content":"The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"AVNHWIXJVVGNPECO3HKINEXTKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177398},"content":"Mortin is suddenly sweating like a spin class and I can tell he’s close to spewing. He chews on gamely – I can only imagine the texture – but halfway through, it proves too much for him and he ends up painting the pavement the proverbial 50 shades of upchuck.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JLGXSLOFNBBUZN6EE2GKER22XE","additional_properties":{"_id":1727080177399},"content":"The crowd rushes forward and swarms around Oisinn. They lift him from his stool on to their shoulders and they carry him around, chanting, “Le-gend! Le-gend! Le-gend!” and I’m about to tell them to watch his hips when I see the smile on his face – the happiest I’ve seen him since we were students here – and in that moment the time falls away and 23 years suddenly feels like nothing at all.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest, but his exploits in the competition are still legendary on campus 23 years on"},"display_date":"2024-09-28T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU","auth":{"1":"d108b418cf53b4be2a9940a2ee3582ae5a4016f6df33f7c644f98b8c3a6bcd90"},"focal_point":{"x":195,"y":260},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":416.188,"episodeTitle":"Oisinn is feeling old as he shows up to compere the UCD Iron Stomach Contest 23 years on","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/66fadd066ef979d0991249db.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/the-competition-gets-under-way-the-entrants-are-each-told-to-remove-a-sock-and-put-it-in-the-pint-glass-in-front-of-them/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"V6G6ZOL7EJEYDP6QSONHHOTONM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/your-father-is-a-moral-eunuch-ross-those-arent-my-words-that-was-a-main-finding-of-the-mahon-tribunal/","content_elements":[{"_id":"5EZXT5RMNNAMFPNNYNZ6UQDAVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617435},"content":"So we’re in Morton’s of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/ranelagh\" target=\"_blank\">Ranelagh</a>, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!” Sorcha’s there, “I wish! Take a look in the mirror, Rebecca! You look amazing! Do you want the kumquats?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IHXTBB5DHFF6FOIDFB7EVV5YHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617436},"content":"Rebecca’s like, “No, you go ahead, Sorcha. You put your hand on them first.” Sorcha goes, “I don’t think I did, Rebecca. I’m pretty sure it was you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FALGRRES4NBQ5GFOIMXFK7QN4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617437},"content":"“Honestly, Sorcha, Diva doesn’t even eat the things! I don’t even know why I put them in her lunch box!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ABE2KZMNLVFMXJ64UXSRQZCDB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617438},"content":"“Well, if you’re sure–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSH5K3HHRBCH3JBZP3AHRNFVLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617439},"content":"“One-hundred per cent sure, Sorcha. You fire away.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BGUIXGXKSJATHI7ZRJGMXWBXJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617440},"content":"“Thanks, Rebecca.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UP7ZCSELH5BEZPTTZ2KXEIPQDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617441},"content":"“Actually,” Rebecca goes, and I feel a not-so-subtle change of subject coming on, “I was wondering could you do me a favour? In return for letting you have the kumquats?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LUIGW52IXREIFGXP5WUPYRTSKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617442},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Er,” because she’s storting to suspect, like me, that her running into us like this is far from the coincidence that we thought it was?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5T537JEN3JETHCUS6XKYFQF6EQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617443},"content":"Rebecca goes, “I know that tomorrow is the, em, big day,” meaning presumably the deadline for closed bids to get on the school skiing trip, which Honor is arranging as head girl.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5EJFXRDQGBE23AGO2V3ZHRPQIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617444},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Rebecca, I have absolutely no influence over who–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VD5LATTW5RD75PLNGEE5QCSX64","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617445},"content":"The woman goes, “I’m just trying to get an idea – you know, ballpork – of the kind of bid that would place us among the lucky 50.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VYZXD5FKFNB4BINY3AHVDD4SDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617446},"content":"I’m there, “You heard what Sorcha said. We’re her parents – we’re the last to know everything, thankfully.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JTBKW2B6ZRGQ5DBOY2IOSYW6UY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617447},"content":"“It’s just that Diva really wants to get on that trip,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HFBVMLCOTNDPHET7VLCGHTBP2M","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617448},"content":"I’m like, “So put in a humungous bid.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UDLXBDRLWZH4FEWYETDTQPS43M","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617449},"content":"She’s there, “But how humungous is humungous? Are we talking €20,000? Are we talking €100,000?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7APDCO7EYBGKJIH6SZS45YTIQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617450},"content":"Sorcha goes, “That’s the whole point of a blind auction, Rebecca. Nobody knows. It’s whatever people are prepared to pay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMKUAO6UABDYJCEUMKI66PRHKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617451},"content":"Rebecca’s there, “And you approve of this, do you? Your daughter using her position to play her classmates off against each other and extort money from them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEFDZETYWZGMHGMEA77PCI7LGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617452},"content":"I’m like, “Firstly, Honor has no mates – let’s get that straight. And secondly, we have absolutely no control over our daughter – over any of our kids. They do what they want, no matter what we tell them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LFGZFVJ4GZEK3CPR5QN2DVE7NY","additional_properties":{"_id":"4VEMQZGWBBBH5IIOLO2XEURE4U"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"YTKOK5XWABG6NHNAAIUYLBSCY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617453},"content":"Rebecca’s face turns suddenly sour. She’s like, “Yes, I’ve heard all about your famous hands-off parenting methods. It’s why your daughter ended up slashing the tyres of hundreds of cars and why your sons are banned from setting foot in Dundrum Town Centre.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWSTYVN5JFFGLHHJIAO6S2SXSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617454},"content":"Sorcha goes, “How dare you!” which is basically the Lalor family motto.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MSUNXBISIRGVTH3IZKZDKILDFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617455},"content":"Rebecca’s there, “The question everyone is asking, by the way, is how much does she stand to make from arranging this holiday? You know what? I think I’ll take the kumquats after all!” and she snatches the punnet out of Sorcha’s hand, then off is the direction in which she focks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SOTM4KXBSZAGVNE7BWK7K6OVVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617456},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Ross! Oh my actual God – did you hear that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O72BAOJJ5ZB7HKGEJES433675Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617457},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not a major fan of kumquats anyway, Sorcha. Sweet on the outside and bitter on the inside – a bit like Rebecca herself, I’m tempted to say.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TEYO5QJAENA3NJ6WFZ5AQSQF5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":"4NBPBZIE7RHHRGTMKTEOTJ34VM"},"content":"The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"4CTCSBF7KZDVXBUSIHJKCLENQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617458},"content":"She goes, “No, how much is she going to make out of this? I mean why haven’t we asked ourselves that question – as her parents?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2JSUA7LFDBA3XDOX57RXT54754","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617459},"content":"I’m like, “Because my attitude as a father is very much the less I know, the better.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2IM2N4QZJDNTIU3JYTUIWRUUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617460},"content":"“But she’s raking in all this money,” Sorcha goes, “and what’s she doing with it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4F7Z5L3TQVENJBYUIJH6LIKIFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617461},"content":"I’m there, “I presume she’s giving it to the old man – yeah, no, for the use of the timeshare villa.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JIVWUSTPZFACFLZPUBU4KSTXRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617462},"content":"“All of it?” Sorcha goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IJKIWQOMYBE6VEC3MEGQ3TNIP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617463},"content":"I’m like, “Presumably.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XKXIFL2U2REY5JMWKAFCVU2K64","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617464},"content":"We finish our shopping, then we pay for our shit and push the trolley outside to the cor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LVCTR2IYDJDEXNBB4PJ2AR4X7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617465},"content":"“Do you know what I think?” Sorcha goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SKWGTPGRQ5DS3P5T4RWIJ7BBHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617466},"content":"I’m there, “What do you think?” because I have a feeling that I’m not going to like whatever it is she has to say.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5JNZIEAKAZAD3C3RFCFO7NVZX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617467},"content":"She goes, “I think your dad and Honor have cooked this up between them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FHMUVNVSYNDFXF5XK3RNF3ZX3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617468},"content":"I’m there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBHSGOH645BCVHWLAC4C7VVN7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617469},"content":"She goes, “I think that however much money she gets from the 50 highest bidders, she’s going to pay for the flights and give the balance to your dad – supposedly as the price of their board for the week.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XQTIFLXXKZEQBJQQQVOQBQOYA4","additional_properties":{"_id":"OPNMYDSBJBBHPDCOKOC37JOQAQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"GGBPQQ3IIJCYRHZ74KVD35NPKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617470},"content":"I’m like, “The word is supposably, Sorcha?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WERPSYXCSBGF7DWED5KM6SNT4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617471},"content":"She goes, “Then your dad is going to kick her half of the money back.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BMUQCCJN2JGKTCC56NL7FRID24","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617472},"content":"I’m there, “That’s a very serious allegation you’re making,” which is the O’Carroll-Kelly family motto.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEDQ4QTD3BGA5C4EQAZCN5R5FI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617473},"content":"She’s like, “I bet you that’s what they’re doing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JE4E4NK6X5CP7GS2B4M2IF2VAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617474},"content":"I’m there, “Why do you have such a low opinion of my old man?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N4FSMSNBA5GFDN7TJBRTMBGASQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617475},"content":"She goes, “Er, I hate to point out the obvious, Ross, but he’s been to prison – for actual corruption.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DHQKOX76MNCVRD2FONNLP64HM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617476},"content":"I’m there, “So people can’t change, is that what you’re saying?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBA4723K4RHALE66JQ7GEAJ7YQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617477},"content":"She goes, “Him and that solicitor of his are moral eunuchs. Those aren’t my words, Ross. That was one of the main findings of the Mahon tribunal.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H6JNOZ4SK5C6BFHVEZJYHP6JTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617478},"content":"I get in a bit of a snot with her then – yeah, like her old pair are so perfect? – and we end up doing the drive home in, like, total silence.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQ2BAF37MRDMVGKNTM72YDHD5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617479},"content":"As I’m helping her take the shopping bags from the boot, I go, “Why are you always so down on my family?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VLHHMZUHPRBUHEI2K46D35XJP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617480},"content":"And she – in fairness to her – goes, “I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said, Ross. What I said was possibly uncalled for.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFISHVZ7BJCQ7PUQJQEL6NOBQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617481},"content":"I’m there, “A leopard can change his spots, Sorcha. He hasn’t done anything dodgy in years. Well, in a year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H6Q6UBHW2BDDPH4XZJPJ2MAYYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617482},"content":"She goes, “Like I said, I think Rebecca Leahy just had me rattled. I maybe shouldn’t have said it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q7LBQNF4WNGRXOBWKJL3AB27AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617483},"content":"I’m there, “He helped Honor win the election because he loves his granddaughter. He doesn’t have to have anterior motive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MOB54KFLIZEW7PPBQHIGB7TJEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617484},"content":"“Like I said,” she goes, “I was wrong to say what I said.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DLFLNDVOYBCDNCSRSIKA7NHELQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725629617485},"content":"I turn the key in the front door and I give it a push. And from the study, I can hear the sound of my old man and my daughter laughing like two complete and utter villains.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Sorcha is making unfounded allegations that my old man and Honor are in cahoots over the closed-bids system for the school skiing trip"},"display_date":"2024-09-21T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. 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I could wallpaper our entire house with all the birthday porty invitations that were returned with the words, “Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?” scrawled on them in biro. And I happen to know that she keeps a little black book containing the names of all the childhood play-dates who ghosted her and on whom she’s promised to – her words – “rain down my vengeance when they least suspect it”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AGOUSN7XMFE7FLFP5HLRSTWCP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539407},"content":"What I’m trying to say is that she’s always had trouble fitting <i>in</i>? Which is why me and Sorcha are in such a state of shock when we turn into the cor pork of her school on Thursday and witness what’s happening.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UU7XHKW5ERDX7GOZZ4EYKQNTVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539408},"content":"Honor is leaning against a wall and she is surrounded by girls, hanging on her every word, laughing at her jokes and generally trying to get her attention.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47JA3WPWQ5AMVGUA3CFTO3YDQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539409},"content":"I go, “Jesus, I haven’t seen that many Mounties fawning over one person since I scored a hat-trick against Blackrock College in Donnybrook on Valley’s Day ‘98.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6CWDCQZ6Y5EBNFL6VNYWDAEFVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539410},"content":"Sorcha says nothing. She was one of them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WVKGYMBAJ5F7HPG3UYOIBA7DPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539411},"content":"I beep the horn and Honor sees Sorcha’s SUV porked there, idling away. She tells the girls that she’ll see them tomorrow and they watch her go like puppies in a dog pound.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KHMAQNRPRRAPXPF7JTIHU7DZ4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"4K4ZQ25YAVAK5CQI5B7OSXMXA4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"X2KLQL7LLNF57KW2UCDLYYKPUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539412},"content":"She gets into the cor and Sorcha can’t stop herself going, “Oh my God, Honor!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5BLZOVFY7RA5PJIN6PJBEXVBVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539413},"content":"“The fock is that supposed to mean?” Honor goes – on the big-time defensive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IC7T3RDRWJG7PFMKVHQ6GLGXCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539414},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “I meant it in a good way! You’re, like, Miss <i>Popularity </i>all of a sudden?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L262HNOYGZCRRKD4GKCBCGZCEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539415},"content":"Honor’s there, “Yeah, with a bunch of focking saps.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2VXNCKYZBNCN7LD2QEFOXWWT7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539416},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Don’t be like that, Honor. You should embrace this. That’s how the girls in this school used to look at me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZYBBWX3FGRG33OE5MBZ5UOD2ZE","additional_properties":{"_id":"QYS4SWF5CNGWTNQJ3URVBPYMRA"},"content":"‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5WLKVD4W3BEIJHED2KXYXE3CH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539417},"content":"I’m there, “Me too.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWMWAULR4FFFZLNHFD2MJYBGNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539418},"content":"Again, Sorcha decides not to take the bait.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCWMCI6SN5DE3CXFBL2Y2OPGSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539419},"content":"She goes, “You’re Head Girl now, Honor. You’re going to have to get used to people wanting to be around you. They’re looking to you for leadership.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XEAPJLIQW5E45LQD45BUEI4VTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539420},"content":"Honor laughs like she used to when we used to watch videos on YouTube of celebrities in high heels snotting themselves on red corpets.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CTN2TO72UVB5FKNEHUMLZOWGY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539421},"content":"“Is that what you think?” she goes. “That’s so sad.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PGURZJC2ANEVHAB6OMVTA5WL24","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539422},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Well, what are they looking for from you if it <i>isn’t </i>leadership?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3RHFARAJ65BRZDHJBB5HOT6FBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539423},"content":"Honor’s like, “They’re looking to get on the skiing trip in January.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I7CKPZ7DQ5DK7CPX44FR2OPCQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539424},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Oh my God! I forgot that it’s the Head Girl’s job to arrange the Sixth Year Skiing Trip.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VK6M7Z2DPZEQ7CHIW6J5DH2QBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539425},"content":"“Well, <i>I’m</i> not arranging it,” Honor goes. “Wivina is looking after everything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSOBJSB2QBHRBM46HVFMY2ERMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539426},"content":"Wivina is her intern. Honor is the first Head Girl in the school’s history to hire a personal assistant and an intern. Oh, and a Chief of Staff, if you count my old man.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5FZWIZNAVND2DEJY53RJN3EXUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539427},"content":"Sorcha goes, “So where are you going? Our year went to Verbier. It’s in, like, <i>Switzerland</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CHVNO6J57BF4PCUATVKH7GZNU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539428},"content":"Honor’s there, “Well, <i>we’re</i> going to St Mortiz.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5PP2YSBY7ZEWHP7DPUOC4Y76WM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539429},"content":"“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “your grandfather Chorles has a timeshare villa in St Moritz, doesn’t he, Ross?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6QYP56CQ2NBN5H6MOSYBJKBINM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539430},"content":"Honor’s there, “Er, yeah – that’s where we’re <i>staying</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GWRMQWLIDZG2NGEPWUER72RYMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539431},"content":"“Oh,” Sorcha goes, a note of definite confusion in her voice as I stort the cor. Then 30 seconds later, as I’m beeping at an idiot in front of me who stopped on an orange light, she goes, “But doesn’t Chorles’s villa only hold 30?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QVKVWH555NHUDOEORVH2JH5LWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539432},"content":"“Fifty,” Honor quickly goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NBD2EWFWENCILL3VNMS2SG4XLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539433},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Right,” and she’s obviously doing the maths in her head. “And how many people are in your year again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZBYRH3APONAFLATSO3IHOEQKB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539434},"content":"“One-hundred-and-forty,” Honor goes – ice in her veins.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NJIFSWAHLRBP7GMO7HNKDRAAMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539435},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “So that’s going to be a lot of, em, disappointed girls.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCRUIXKBONEEBA367OSWW6WEEM","additional_properties":{"_id":"T7Y6JBDTURF45JB3WSL64BWLIU"},"subtype":"blockquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"UVRFRD2XTRA4TGJS7K5WLD3AJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539436},"content":"Honor’s like, “I know. Life sucks. You might as well find that out now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZR6D2DXKKNFK7AY6DU4JYLAV6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539437},"content":"“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “it’s no wonder the girls were being so attentive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"42GWOU6A7RGM3H6EMLFMH24RU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539438},"content":"Honor’s there, “Do you think it was that?” even though she knows well that it <i>was</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW27L5T6CBDZLN5N5X2PSKL5TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539439},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, you’re not going to, like, play them off against each other, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6PRNX7J2HVH3JK3EZN4WTNFLP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539440},"content":"Honor reacts like she takes grave <i>offence</i> to this suggestion?","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2CGOYUQ55GANJTRFA2F2E5GMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539441},"content":"She goes, “How could you think that of me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z6DUJW6BNJF6RER2VCBLZZM3K4","additional_properties":{"_id":"U7UEHDY57FFQRITDPFPM4TYX4E"},"content":"Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"NCOMVLAEXZA4PM45WKX4VD4MJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539442},"content":"And Sorcha’s there, “I’m sorry, Honor, but how else are you going to decide who goes to St Moritz and who is left behind?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YJMDEQJS3NFUNPVWAH6XX2VJJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539443},"content":"Honor’s like, “Dynamic pricing, of course.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XN7TNZUQWJBELLVBWSLNKKLQRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539444},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4GJB4N6SXBFC7A7IHRFSI3YCPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539445},"content":"“It’s the way of the world,” Honor goes. “I’m not going to actually tell them the <i>price</i> of the trip? I’m going to ask everyone to write down on a piece of paper how much they’d be prepared to pay to go to St Moritz. And the 50 highest bidders will get to go.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HRW2MB5YWBBYTF5R43B7ROOMRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539446},"content":"Sorcha’s mouth falls open.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CR2SXJFZIRAZ5CBC6GWG7JMUQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539447},"content":"She goes, “Oh my God, you’re not <i>actually</i> going to do that, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KXYJNQ5775BGLJYLIN4BVZJ3HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539448},"content":"Honor’s like, “Why not? Granddad said it’s called free morket economics. The girls should be paying me for the lesson.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"USIXXW3MBNEPRLPQV2OA6RPUC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539449},"content":"I laugh. She has an answer for everything. That’s why I usually stay out of her business.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47LOPSBZHBD6LCB3GZ2L3MSDKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539450},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Ross, are you not going to talk to your daughter about this?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJMBF54FIVFV3CBYDDMTRHUDHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539451},"content":"I’m there, “What’s there to say? It seems to be all legit and above board – is it, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ONP3WFZFTFH6TLKLZT3XYPLXA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539452},"content":"Honor shrugs and goes, “I don’t care.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCKZH4KIEJAK5B45VNXD7LKEPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539453},"content":"I’m there, “There you are then. You heard it from the horse’s mouth.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q5WG3TDYBJGGNN23FNK5CY7WDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539454},"content":"Sorcha goes, “So when is it going to be decided who’s going to get to go?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AGDCTXAZCVAODO5RSC2KL2352Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539455},"content":"Honor’s there, “The bids close at the end of September.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3RFALTIAXRF7LMQXUCNYYZWFUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725549539456},"content":"And I’m like, “As someone who knows what it feels like to have Mounties looking at you adoringly, my advice, Honor, would be to enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Because last, it won’t.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’ve possibly spoiled our daughter over the years, having decided very early on to give her absolutely everything she wants out of fear of the hurtful things she might say to me"},"display_date":"2024-09-14T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? 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I knew that Sorcha’s old pair were paying for them to attend the Royal Irish Academy of Music on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday mornings, but I had zero interest in what they actually did there.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FIMJLL5BK5EE7B67VB2S4N4KHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299242},"content":"Mrs Gordon goes, “I would love to include him in the school orchestra this year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FV4GDSTPCREM7CNLJQBZWM66B4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299243},"content":"I’m there, “Well, that’s a real pity because I don’t want him being <i>port</i> of any orchestra? I don’t want him being port of anything that distracts his attention from his rugby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JJ6MFECR7ZEEDJJGM6G5KDJVNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299244},"content":"She’s clearly a bit of a last-word freak, because she goes, “Mr O’Carroll-Kelly, Leo has found something he’s really good at–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7XSE3AWSQVCXNAO4W42RH3EVHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299245},"content":"I’m there, “So what’s the point in doing it then? Where’s the challenge? He’s shit at rugby – so at least that requires a bit of hord work.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ND2LWENKVAEHF2M7I42TUFPQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299246},"content":"There’s no arguing with my logic and she knows it. She stares at me silently. She’s clearly never met a father like me before. Speaking of which, that’s when my phone suddenly rings and when I check the screen it ends up being my old man.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UB5VQE4MFNGL3LMH2WEZVLIBBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299247},"content":"I’m there, “I’m going to need to take this,” and I step away from her and outside to the cor pork, where I answer it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PU33TRELVEYDJTZYRY22A2LCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299248},"content":"“Kicker!” the dude goes. “How are the boys getting on at this new Protestant school of theirs?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FBKJ2AQOSNHD5B4WKHHEXKS7JE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299249},"content":"I’m there, “Fine – except the music teacher just cornered me and said that Leo had a genuine gift for music.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SPXGA3D3EZH57DH2WN2U2OTA7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299250},"content":"“A genuine gift? Where the hell did that come from?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UWBAGBZWI5EIZNBEAUIEDAOMDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299251},"content":"“I’ve no idea. I’m bloody furious, though.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMP72PJTRZDBZL4CNKCNBBLOYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299252},"content":"“I’m not surprised. I mean, how’s it going to affect his rugby?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SSN2QIDMPFHBJLCOZVG4JRC3GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299253},"content":"“That was obviously <i>my</i> first thought?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7RRIFVSASFBWXICZJUJ3SYYWBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299254},"content":"“It’s every parent’s worst nightmare.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SGGF5IPY75H5TPKPIZJSA3XC6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299255},"content":"“Well, I blame Sorcha’s old man. He brings them to lessons.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"REGHJJ7MBFD77I5NQAMYJISID4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299256},"content":"A bell rings, then a few seconds later, children stort spilling out of the school","type":"text"},{"_id":"QCABMTE2UFBG5BHLMST2FDTJRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299257},"content":"“What instrument does the boy play?” the old man goes. “Not that it’s relevant, of course.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UPSPIBVBTNAF5NTX5XJKYULH5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299258},"content":"I’m there, “I think she said it was the violin. The red mist descended and I couldn’t hear her properly.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WOLECUYDDFGFZLCMGC4ZNCYINI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299259},"content":"Actually, a lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case he carries around with him like a Chicago gangster from, I don’t know, olden times.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D4SPNC6SLVBQPNVIVFVATPMADA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299260},"content":"The old man goes, “Ross, you need to nip this in the bud.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCW6WLYQJ5ANZKOM3GRYQGEYWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299261},"content":"I’m there, “I realise that – but how?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6A6DXY4JFDI3LRISM2ZRHH2VQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299262},"content":"“Do you remember when you were 10 years old, Kicker – the famous Italia ‘90 was on and the entire country went soccer mad?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6CZBTUUK6NBGLCWNGUAQYD47ZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299263},"content":"“Not really, no.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZZZUWV27REBXDZ3PDS4HRXEOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299264},"content":"“Of course you don’t! Because I saw to it that you didn’t experience a minute of it! Do you remember what I did?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WSUVSUAYSJGVFFNEGDKPGFHF7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299265},"content":"“You had the electricity cut off for the entire month.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BW6JLR3KW5CL7O4CS72PY57VYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299266},"content":"“I had the electricity cut off for the entire month! Absolutely correct!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RXTGKVPP3BB6DOHWAZJ76ITCVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299267},"content":"“You think I should do the same? Wait a minute, you don’t plug a violin in – or do you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G4E73ZWNKVBZTB242SKYPYGQQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299268},"content":"“I’m just saying that something similarly drastic is called for in this case. You’ll think of something.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IJARJR5G2JH2JCDIO27ID7BFEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299269},"content":"Amid the crowds of kids, I spot my three. I’m there, “I have to go,” and I hang up.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4COWICJOZJEX5OPBZD35SMTEZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299270},"content":"The boys throw their stuff into the boot, then they get into the cor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LJ5CZVXPXRADTMN3BZ4ZZBUSUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299271},"content":"Before I even stort the engine, I go, “How did you get on today?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4HWXJY7HJFFY3KZGHGU6PXVN2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299272},"content":"Brian’s there, “We learned all about–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQQHXL23QFB55CSR56TGZ7DADA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299273},"content":"I’m like, “I don’t give a monkey’s what you learned. Did you play rugby?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IN7NY3LFIRDEJDWWH2AL7DG3XA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299274},"content":"“I did,” Brian goes, “and so did Johnny.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVWJRNYAVBGOHMKPQ4O7FRKVQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299275},"content":"I’m there, “And how did you get on?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GY54WG2PIVDCBBZVFNWLSASPWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299276},"content":"Brian shrugs. He’s like, “Just okay.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TCH2S7424NFGJFDNSO3VHJEPOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299277},"content":"I’m there, “What about you, Leo?” because I’m taking the softly-softly approach – for now.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QSLI5J6SOFAZNJSRWFV6PIV2FE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299278},"content":"He goes, “I don’t want to play rugby. I’m going to be in the orchestra. Mrs Gordon said I have a genuine gift.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SGIQJRH6NZB3BPNXHX5G6MLTIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299279},"content":"I’m there, “The violin, is it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YOBNWXGOJZFSLBUM7YMQO2JH6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299280},"content":"“She said I play like no eight-year-old she’s ever met before.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RW7NKFXUN5FK5N72ZOUJZEIKQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299281},"content":"I’m there, “That’s great news!” through gritted teeth. “Great, great news! But are you not worried that it might distract you from your rugby?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WOZI3LZJ2RD2RJTCJU3ZRHECQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299282},"content":"He goes, “I don’t want to play rugby this year. I much prefer music to rugby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKMK5N4BQ5CBZOZXGFGNOPJUJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299283},"content":"I don’t react. I somehow manage to keep my cool. But 20 minutes later, we pull up outside the gaff. I let the three of them out of the cor and they run into the house, leaving me to bring their bags inside. I pop the boot and the first thing I see is Leo’s little violin case. And I remember my old man’s words – “something similarly drastic”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IO6ZUKYPHVB4PN4GPJVPFM6ZR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299284},"content":"I put the thing down on the ground and I stamp on it. The wooden case splits and I hear the strings play a sort of bum note.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZDRS6Z35AVBPVPUHVELT6VHDHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299285},"content":"“Leo!” I shout. “You won’t believe what’s happened!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPC4E4VMLZBRZNS2TL7XUDWMTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299286},"content":"I stamp on it again – except <i>horder</i> this time? – and I can see that the, I don’t know, neck of the violin has snapped, along with the strings.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X6DS3CLJJVB3BKL4QDRBT7XENY","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299287},"content":"I’m like, “Leo, it was a freak accident!” and I show the thing the sole of my right Dube three more times, making absolute shit of it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GE5SSDHCGBE6VI56XQJEV37NUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299288},"content":"A second or two later, Leo comes running out of the house.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXSGDP2SYRGPRBY6D6TLTEFEWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299289},"content":"I’m there, “I don’t know what happened, Leo. I was taking it out of the boot and I somehow dropped it. What the fock are these things made out of? That’s a debate for another day. It’s kindling for the fire now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UZPUQ6WLHRH4DE7253DAJN4VIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299290},"content":"But Leo doesn’t burst into tears like I <i>expect</i> him to? Instead, he smiles and goes, “Daddy, look what Granddad Lalor bought me!” and he holds up – I shit you not – a brand-new violin. “He said when I play for the first time in the National Concert Hall, he’s going to be in the front row!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RLL2RYFUXVGCXL63NS7ZB4G5SQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1725272299291},"content":"I look up and I see Sorcha’s old man standing on the doorstep. He goes, “I’m just doing what I can to encourage the boy. 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She’s like, “Now, don’t forget to actually <i>enjoy</i> the experience of being head girl?” like Honor needs to be told. “I know from my own year in the role, I was – oh my God – <i>so</i> busy, but I still tried to set aside some time each week to reflect on whether I was getting something out of the experience?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AWWT2EDGTFC3XETMCQIG5PLBNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894408},"content":"Honor’s there, “Yeah, great story, Mom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LE2IN3PNBBC7ZGMXUMKZ3JCBEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894409},"content":"And Sorcha goes, “I don’t think there’s any cause for sorcasm,” and 20 seconds later, she recycles and storts another phase. “Also, be mindful of the legacy you want to leave behind. Remember that people are going to look back on your time as Mount Anville head girl and say, ‘Yes, but what did she stand for?’ In my case, it was obviously togetherness and then environmental sustainability towards the end.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YOTSYIYVBVCV5ETDWMUKNPAQ74","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894410},"content":"Honor’s like, “I’m going to put my uniform on”, and she gets up from the table and focks off upstairs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GPTIS4XCZAJZOOL2BNMUCBUOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894411},"content":"I’m there, “You’re trying too hord, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I2Z2WVSEHBGYPH4CGK3TPVJDGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894412},"content":"She goes, “I’m just trying to find out what’s going on in her head.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QCBL4AKHVHZ7LVQX5W3KLQMXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894413},"content":"I’m like, “Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. Nobody knows.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W2VD4KVFN5E7VDQE3CBRFV5AUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"VRIH6SSCENAQJFMFZ42R2WQCQI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"DCBWBMXGHRCLTOY6GXD623L62Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894414},"content":"She’s there, “All the parent WhatsApp groups are full of speculation about what kind of head girl she’s going to be. People are saying that maybe she won’t be as bad everyone <i>fears</i>? But then they said the same thing about Donald Trump when he got elected and he turned out to be worse.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YEXZCNBIUBES3BJFVVA6TRHCYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894415},"content":"I’m there, “Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FSTZ55PB6NCILC6N4FCZIEMLWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894416},"content":"Sorcha produces her iPad and goes, “Here, look at this. I’ve put together a collection of photographs of her standing at the front door on the first day of term every year since she first storted school.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VPEN27RVX5E5NPV5XYH3LIRLOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894417},"content":"She pushes it across the table to me and I swipe through 12 or 13 photographs of the girl. In every single one she’s raising either one or two fingers to the camera.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TUG3J36ETRFXRB7C5X7SYQDA6A","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894418},"content":"I think we already know what her legacy is going to be.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y3YWDPLVDFF7XERSHFPC7MP5ZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894419},"content":"All of a sudden, the kitchen door swings open and in walks Wendy Wagoner, the PR guru whose services Honor has retained for the next 12 months.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R7VCTGNE7JCE7DJDMCMFC4JKKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894420},"content":"She’s like, “Good morning, Ross! Good morning, Sorcha! How are we feeling?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G4MIZ7KXJBHL3JSB42PJNPTFAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894421},"content":"I’m there, “I’m feeling kind of curious as to how you managed to get into my house without ringing the focking doorbell. Can you materialise through walls – is that, like, your superpower?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOTB5LGZYFG6DASUEFSYVT6M2M","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894422},"content":"The woman goes, “Honor had a key cut for me. I don’t have time to stand around waiting for doors to be opened. Now, which of you is driving Honor to school today?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M5AVIPKREBGD5ADV67I4VNTLFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894423},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Er, <i>both</i> of us?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H35OZ6E6LVF55H6IMASGOYZZUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894424},"content":"Wendy goes, “<i>Both</i> of you?” and then she looks at me. “Including you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OH6SVCZX4BHVDE7WFEZ6OYFOCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894425},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, it’s a tradition.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q6OLNJRRDNBGLPYA774H7VOPYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894426},"content":"She makes a square out of her thumbs and forefingers and sort of, like, frames me <i>in</i> it?","type":"text"},{"_id":"2ZE5DNT5BZFMXLHRW2TR6OUX7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894427},"content":"“Yes, I think it works,” she goes, “A brown or cream-coloured cargo pant. A cableknit sweater, fawn or mustard, thrown about the shoulders. Rugby-loving, centrist dads are having a real moment again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4BQWTFXMLZG3ZLPHYDTJCNLHHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894428},"content":"I’m there, “This one is definitely having a moment, Wendy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GETK3ZKY7NGHPJTACFUU2NDKV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894429},"content":"But she ignores me, turns to Sorcha and goes, “And what about you? What are you planning to wear for the school run?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7LZ2OU67WBD23GK65YEM372YC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894430},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Er, pretty much what I’m wearing <i>now</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MRXWBUUCEZAZFOFQ7XFSAEZ7WA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894431},"content":"But Wendy goes, “No, no, no, no – that won’t do.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W57GSTFBHBBOHDQQVE5OL72ROY","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894432},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Excuse me?” because she’s spent weeks deciding on her outfit for today, a process that involved mood boards and weekend shopping trips to Paris and London.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UB7KHGZZLNDIRBBIQD75YWGKMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894433},"content":"Environmental sustainability, my focking orse.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EVOVW6QP65HC7EHHPXBOEB5VFU","additional_properties":{"_id":"U6JRB5I2F5AJPIJI45F5WEYXLQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"2MRXKXWM4BCS3GRYGMWELBDZYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894434},"content":"Wendy goes, “You look like you’re trying without <i>wanting</i> it to look like you’re trying.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ID26JDEHX5BTPE2WPPZKKHMONA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894435},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Wendy, that’s the look I happen to be <i>going</i> for?” because she’s getting as pissed off with the woman as I am. “I know about fashion. I had a boutique in the Powerscourt Townhouse Centre for years, can I just point out?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SYESLFBKDRFBXJGLLZ2ZVHC4TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894436},"content":"Wendy looks her up and down three or four times, then shakes her head and goes, “No, the whole thing is working way too hord for me. We might put you in a blazer with skinny jeans and kitten heels.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7JAG4P7VMNAQNFTRY2NPPDJ5IA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894437},"content":"Sorcha ends up basically exploding. She’s like, “I’ll wear what <i>I</i> decide to wear, thank you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KTEWVRA5HVFLXB4XLPELMF3CQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894438},"content":"Wendy cold-smiles her and goes, “Oh, dear – one of <i>those</i> moms! Please try to remember that this is your daughter’s year, not yours,” and then the woman’s phone rings and she answers it and goes, “Oh, hello, yes, I’ve left the door open – come down to the kitchen.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJUIPMMWT5HDNPWD5OPTSKXO74","additional_properties":{"_id":1724924546401},"content":"Twenty seconds later, in walks a girl who’s, like, twenty, maybe twenty-one, and she introduces herself to us as Wivina.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EHNZT4ZSZRC7BD3PHPFZHEXMRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894440},"content":"“Wivina is my daughter,” Wendy goes. “She’s going to be interning for Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZWW35HLMBGEDPK56W7OU6L3D4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894441},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Can I just say that I didn’t need a PR person – <i>or</i> an intern – when <i>I</i> was Mount Anville Head Girl?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASD7BMJ3KZDENFBZUTQHG46FPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894442},"content":"But Wendy’s like, “That was a long, long time ago,” which is a low blow. “The role has changed significantly since then. Wivina is going to be looking after Honor’s social media.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7HLPKCBWBFAW3KZVQERCCNV5AU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894443},"content":"A second or two later, our daughter arrives downstairs, dressed for school.","type":"text"},{"_id":"274SBXZPKJD5VML5JI6OBV5NGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894444},"content":"Wendy goes, “I thought we might do one or two photos at the front door.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QNF6JQSSFBHZXILBN5NLAGBBUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894445},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Yes, that’s another one of our traditions.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4T57PIAUBAKHBFQDGKAOT6OMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894446},"content":"Wendy’s there, “Would you mind terribly if Wivina took them? She has a very good understanding of what works across various platforms.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DUARFMONHNC7XO3ULB53SZ4KC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894447},"content":"And that’s when Sorcha decides that she’s had enough of Wendy’s S, H, one, T.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YAEVOVDMCFBPPEBNR7U3HWBJSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894448},"content":"She goes, “It’s my daughter’s final first day at school. <i>I’ll</i> take the photographs,” and she sort of, like, shoulders Wendy and Wivina out of the way as Honor takes her place in front of the door.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NNYLYF2PWFCW3H74PGHEEX57N4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894449},"content":"“Remember, don’t smile,” Wendy goes. “People might expect something from you. It was Michael O’Leary who taught me that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4FGQTFRQTJDVBODYVPGA6LUQSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894450},"content":"Sorcha takes about 20 photographs. Honor has decided to go with two middle fingers this year – probably a sign of what’s to come.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C2IDB6FLUJC5LFMW3PNQUFXTYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894451},"content":"“Okay,” Wendy goes, “let’s get you to school.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QGJFHZZIINHJ3PAXM75CXCXJC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724666894452},"content":"And I have to admit it – I actually gulp.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Teenagers are a mystery. You might as well ask why it gets dork at night. 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And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E5G5SJVNNRHW7HCGDN45A3KKO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243758},"content":"I’m actually thinking these admittedly deep thoughts while knocking back a few cans of the Dutch stuff in Oisinn’s gaff. We’re heading to Borbados tomorrow to repatriate – <i>his</i> word? – a yacht belonging to some rich dude who spent six weeks sailing it around the Caribbean but couldn’t be orsed bringing it home.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YRPL7SPFSBGS3JPTO6ALHWMNXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243759},"content":"Oisinn unfurls a giant roll of paper, which turns out to be a map, and this is where the knowledge thing comes into it, because he’s showing me the distance between Bridgetown and west Cork and I’m telling him that I’ve never actually seen a map of, like, the <i>world </i>before?","type":"text"},{"_id":"SRUTBPELKVBMPPFJ37IGH4JGUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243760},"content":"I’m there, “It’s random, isn’t it? So which one is the land and which one is the sea?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G3T2OIRHLFC6VHAO2JFUTX4PMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243761},"content":"The dude has known me for, like, 25 years, but I can still shock him with the depth of my ignorance.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WWGC2YWYM5CG7ML2CDBPFYNCLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243762},"content":"He goes, “The blue is obviously the sea, Ross, and the green is obviously the land.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HYOOFNP35ZHKDF76CDQRH6PG5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243763},"content":"I’m there, “Are you sure?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MH46SI7QXNANVHEGQSNGUA6UZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243764},"content":"He’s like, “This is going to be a long four weeks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4VWHDVFXNBDTJCGG67U7JR2QU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243765},"content":"And I think, Amen to that. It should be just about long enough for Sorcha to calm down over the whole me-converting-our-children-into-Protestants thing and hopefully take me back. In the meantime, I’ve got a month of hopefully boozing and sunbathing ahead of me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7J7QTVW3C5D6PMX4JVHBTC6YYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243766},"content":"I’m there, “Ronan was saying there’s good fishing in and around Borbados. He told me they’ve got, like, tuna that are the size of a small family cor. As I said to him, you wouldn’t get many of them into a tin!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YDRKENCWC5BH3H4DIYBPAQVX4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243767},"content":"He laughs, in fairness to him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BDFSQWP4EJCAXARPZFI7PXNJ5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243768},"content":"I’m like, “By the way, do you think I’ll be okay to wear these shoes?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BCZ44BKB3FGWFJZU5TPRRFHW3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243769},"content":"He’s there, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KC53VVXLJRGC7LB7436RHA24XI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243770},"content":"“I’m worried about getting them wrecked,” I go, “you know, with the salt water?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IZ6WKZOUNJFKNAOVHVPRVVK7NU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243771},"content":"He’s like, “Ross, you’re wearing Dubes. They’re literally sailing shoes.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67J4KWQRIJFLHNQGGMHLDXNHDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243772},"content":"See, I’m<i> always</i> forgetting that?","type":"text"},{"_id":"ERML2PROTBDL5FPXEUMEVMUO74","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243773},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, good point. Dude, I honestly haven’t looked forward to a holiday like this since we went to Australia for the 2003 World Cup.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NOWOI3TD5BE5RATP6KQIX2QZAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243774},"content":"He goes, “We can borbecue on deck every evening, then take a dip in the ocean before we go to bed at night.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3V4RZUPMGVFA3B4W3YNODCNFAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243775},"content":"I’m there, “Here’s to being separated, Dude!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"POSZ7T57HFDF7GXMWUD62UKBZI","additional_properties":{"_id":"PJBFON6KCBHQ5G6LNEWUPQTG7Y"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"AVVN57PWUJBHJKSGMOF73AZRPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243776},"content":"Just as we’re clinking cans, the front doorbell rings and Oisinn pops outside to answer it. I knock back a mouthful of the good stuff and I’m suddenly thinking about how, like, <i>proud</i> I am of my friend? He’s on to a seriously good thing with this new business idea of his.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LNPC6MHNNJBRZBVHWTITGGVUBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243777},"content":"That’s when the door opens again and in he walks, followed by – believe it or not – Sorcha. Yeah, no, I told her that I was going to be staying here until she finally comes to her senses.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3NB6JF53AFCDNPRDEFO246ZWJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243778},"content":"She’s there, “Hi.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7K64XCEXJGB3AJVLZS6YWZUTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243779},"content":"And I’m like, “Hey.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HB2MWRK6QVCHHCOWI4J7SVIQGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243780},"content":"“I was wondering if we could talk,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DOC5ZL5O4JHJBGOVG6WSCUA6GM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243781},"content":"I’m there, “Talk? About what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QEGYX26LRHLJBRUL4I7HJUZ2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243782},"content":"She’s like, “About us.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZNQ5ASZYXRGTTL5J7AO6XG2R6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243783},"content":"I’m there, “Oh, right – I was going to get an early night, just to warn you. Me and the Big O are heading to Borbados in the morning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"554OXEBNTVHU3EXWUXO5JWKQJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243784},"content":"She goes, “Borbados?” in that ‘well for some’ tone that you used to hear from taxi drivers dropping you to the airport during the years of the crash.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AUNY6HGWZRHODDYXQ6QRATL6IU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243785},"content":"I’m like, “I hate to rub it in – but it’s, like, trip-of-a-lifetime stuff.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q7U4AIN65NAP7E5TT5Z25ZVTTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243786},"content":"“Even though your marriage is on the floor?” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"APITNZNEUJETPPQX57QHR5PVKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243787},"content":"I’m there, “You were the one who said she needed space from me. There’s a lot of space between here and Borbados, by the way. I can show it to you on Oisinn’s map there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LC5UUCAN6RGTPDZ7P7IHI6JK7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243788},"content":"“I don’t need to see it on a map,” she goes. “Ross, don’t make this hord for me – I’ve come here tonight to apologise to you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LPLTQZP4HFF7JBUR4CWOHMBJQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243789},"content":"This ends up throwing me for a loop.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NGZIO4ENXRHEPFNWZDBOVIGXW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243790},"content":"I’m there, “Apologise?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IOB4EDICFRE65F5G74CHRUVLCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243791},"content":"She goes, “I took the boys to St Adomnán’s today – for their Orientation Day? And, Ross, it’s an – oh my God – <i>amazing</i> school.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XGZI4DCV55BVTKCGJXSL7ZSZ5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243792},"content":"I’m like, “I hate to say I told you so. I did, though.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KKDMCKGJNRGWJOFL3TUXGUBC3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243793},"content":"She goes, “They have a 50m pool, nine hockey pitches and a 300-seat theatre and concert hall. And the school is fifth nationally in the Leaving Cert results table.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B5R6ZFH7NREMPAULPJEZZLVLPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243794},"content":"I can suddenly see where this conversation is heading – and I don’t like it one little bit.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4VZCWXO5VFVNCPFQKOLGA7P2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243795},"content":"She goes, “I’m not saying that I’ve fully forgiven you for lying to me. But I totally understand why so many south Dublin parents pretend to be Protestants to get their children in there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3SUFDACFURENBCUHVBJDKBZV5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243796},"content":"I do a big theatrical yawn, then I go, “Like I said, Sorcha, early stort in the morning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EDPWGMOTUNFIXKEALTT634EPHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243797},"content":"She’s like, “Ross, I’ve decided to take you back.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LGWKN2LVBRBIJF3IQV4QDHFLQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243798},"content":"I’m thinking, No! Your timing couldn’t be focking worse here!","type":"text"},{"_id":"CCHGCD6KJZDIBC2BRZRI62VAQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243799},"content":"I’m there, “What about what your old man said? I’d only hurt you again, Sorcha. And what was it your old dear called me? A sociopath?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FFR7DKLXNVHRPB5C2CWDWISD5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243800},"content":"She goes, “For once in your life, Ross, I think you did the wrong thing for the right reasons.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MMZXESWBXRFA5EV5KVSQYAM4AE","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243801},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, think of everything I’ve put you through – even this year alone. I was playing padel with another woman behind your back! I got a Leinster tattoo without discussing it with you first! I turned your children Protestant!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKYHLPNVHNAQTNHEAGQHWWC4YI","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243802},"content":"She goes, “Are you actually trying to talk me <i>out</i> of taking you back?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZLPFYUREZEPZKNHTIQRE3RH4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243803},"content":"I’m there, “I’m just saying that maybe your old pair have a point. Give yourself some time to think things through – and <i>then</i> decide?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5GPZLGDPHJD4HHUXHTEHK6VQ6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243804},"content":"She knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag. She goes, “No, Ross, I’ve made up my mind. I want our marriage to work.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D4FG26RF7BBUVHOD3X5KDRUK6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243805},"content":"Sandy beaches, green seas, barracuda – it’s all disappearing before my eyes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWSEY7DTVFBCTB62CI3TPC66YA","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243806},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, as your old man said to you at the altar all those years ago, I think you’re making a terrible mistake here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHUATEGH2NCJHKFCOQNEO2SLEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1724150243807},"content":"“And as I said to him,” she goes, “I’ll just have to live with that. Pack your things – we’re going home.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"She goes, ‘Are you actually trying to talk me out of taking you back?’"},"display_date":"2024-08-24T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Sorcha knows my game. 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It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"27QOLP3ZVZHWBFAZ2QFEXVHNZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436708},"content":"Instead, I go, “I think you’re blowing this out of all proportion.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ICZMQZE4UBBFDO47VTTNWK4L34","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436709},"content":"She’s like, “You had our children baptised – as Protestants!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBRGBOWKPNGKPGRSXYPBJG6ETA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436710},"content":"“Yeah, no, I was there, Sorcha? I’m just making the point that it’s not a major deal.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZGYRGF4XEFEPTORFQDHWRIMUFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436711},"content":"“Er, maybe for you it isn’t?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5WMEWM5KDJAKRKJCELMKRKWHUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436712},"content":"“They’ve been accepted into St Adomnán’s – isn’t that the important thing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NOOUF667TFCWBACXOMYX6L5D2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436713},"content":"All of a sudden, I hear the front door slam, then a few seconds later, the sound of Sorcha’s old pair in the hallway, going, “Dorling? Dorling? Where are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MEW52WKVYNENZDIVPX2MKMOOSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436714},"content":"Sorcha goes, “We’re in here, Dad!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7USGKJORZBHFBVVGIVZYQGGIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436715},"content":"Then a second later, the kitchen door opens and in they come, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PJI4U7W6VDGFO22U5OAQKV2PQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436716},"content":"I decide to go straight on the offensive. I’m like, “I can’t believe you have an actual key to this house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOE4DV5A4FFCFEHB4RLGGKDTOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436717},"content":"But Sorcha’s old dear goes, “I can’t even look at him. He makes me sick to my stomach.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVJ2YDEJ4FFAHCYILJQCOK4BTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436718},"content":"I’m there, “Well, you always have the option of focking off somewhere else – pair of dickheads.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L5JWUEEK2JBATKVTXWLYYEBSNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436719},"content":"He roars a me. He’s like, “How dare you speak to us like that after what you’ve done! How dare you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HY4UQGBPPBCGZLNRZO6IWYFEAE","additional_properties":{"_id":"PIY54CHDUJHJ7LGTGBQS6HHCIU"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SXFBCYCMSNHEDOSWSGOTLSR5TQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436720},"content":"It’s a genuine miracle that he’s never killed me, even though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th, which I thought was some sort of veiled threat on my life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HOIILBXXNNES3JFWYB2YQNVEII","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436721},"content":"“Our grandchildren!” the dude goes. “Protestants!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUITF7SZWFD3DH4SSODJ2KWWIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436722},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear’s like, “I’m a minister of the Eucharist!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SC5VGMF6YBBV7JWBDB3VO4H4II","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436723},"content":"I’m there, “So everyone keeps mentioning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYJ2ATZ6L5DPFJV2VSQWTZNPFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436724},"content":"She goes, “I couldn’t look Fr Rooney in the eye when I was telling him what had happened.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQADFFZSPRFSRCLLZ2M6FW26UI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436725},"content":"He’s like, “This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4RTMNK22INCZBGDIB65PMKEDDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436726},"content":"I’m there, “Worse than your 25th wedding anniversary dinner, when I drank three-quarters of a bottle of tequila, turned my pockets inside-out and did my famous elephant impression in front of all your mates from the Law Library?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VTRENKB7PFEODCVLIKHPHXONIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436727},"content":"For a second, I nearly regret reminding him, because he storts looking around for something to hit me over the head with?","type":"text"},{"_id":"FMJC6AEXONAZ5O7MMUFPGZ6E3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":"J6Y4FV6OO5B5ZFBFPQLYLKGIPQ"},"content":"Competition: Write your own story to go with the image in 50 words or less. The winning story will be published in The Irish Times Magazine and the winning author will receive a €200 voucher for Suesey Street","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"4LHBWFE2RBHV7EPIVDMDR3KLAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436728},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear sort of, like, tilts her head and goes, “How are they, Sorcha?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4NLW2JL5WBHUPP6ESIUBPSKTUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436729},"content":"I’m there, “What do you mean, how are they? They’re Protestants. They’re not terminally ill.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJDU7DKJ2VGGLE6JQ6DDQCGAIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436730},"content":"But Sorcha’s like, “They’re bearing up, despite everything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5ZOPVIFMURCCVGUZSJH3PNOXPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436731},"content":"I’m there, “You’ve lost your minds – all focking three of you. How many south Dublin parents pretend to be Protestants to get their kids into certain schools? Because I could name you 10 of them off the top of my head.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJAOBKG6YJH2XEX2JXRESOE4YU","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436732},"content":"“Yes,” Sorcha goes, “people tell white lies. They don’t change their actual religion.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PARXFFT62NEZDKRMKORGXRDCZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436733},"content":"I’m there, “Hey, the Rossmeister has never played by the rules. It’s one of the reasons you fell so hord for him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7TYM7NTDGRD6JBUYOFHT776HW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436734},"content":"Out of the corner of my eye, I can nearly see the vein in her old man’s head throbbing like a septic finger.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2MQ5YC5DNAWJCL6XLSEFHXQB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1723552748993},"content":"My phone beeps. It’s, like, a text message from Oisinn. He’s flying to Borbados tomorrow to sail some rich dude’s yacht back to Ireland and he’s asked me to go with him. I read his message. It’s like, “You in, Dude?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VTVK3YTNNNEJFJ4VFTFCH37VKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436736},"content":"I text him back. I’m like, “No can do. I’m in the major doghouse with Sorcha. Have a great trip, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CCHFU3B5OJFK5GMGWGGCGYOREQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436737},"content":"I’m there, “Anyway – to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit? And by pleasure, I obviously mean the exact opposite?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SADBLXKRIBHN5FFBQUDT26YJYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436738},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Mom and Dad are taking the boys out,” and then she goes to the kitchen door and calls them. “Brian! Johnny! Leo! Your grandparents are here!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LMGUY2EB7BEQHJMY5S3ZZLHPAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436739},"content":"A few seconds later, they come spilling down the stairs and into the kitchen like molten lava.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XGPSKBSUVEVDFSQKMV5YNSE74","additional_properties":{"_id":"PIZGI2SBGFBBXPBDEJKSJ4TR4E"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"MJDONQC5TJFJJKMJ3GWNVOWR64","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436740},"content":"When Sorcha said their grandparents were here, they obviously thought she meant my old pair, because their faces change from dumb excitement to deep disappointment when they see that it’s the Lalors.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HEKAEJELLJGKFNUR42CIB3V3YA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436741},"content":"“Fock sake,” Leo goes, rolling his eyes. “This focking pair.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYWZOVVSSVFYFE3J6DYZWVGKUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436742},"content":"I laugh. No choice in the matter. He’s a brilliant kid.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VOHLHMSFUFB4HEFCYBM6GQV5DQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436743},"content":"Sorcha’s old man glowers at me and goes, “That’s your influence, is it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YOHOKMK2GJHR5FWXKW6XA36C54","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436744},"content":"I’m like, “No, Dude, it’s your influence,” because he never puts his hand in his pocket when he sees them and he never laughs when they behave really badly in public.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7DWIYQ6DZACJM2CRWJQOY7USI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436745},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear bursts into tears when she sees them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5S7NR5C3NFTLL76ZMV55C3HPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436746},"content":"I’m like, “Will you get a focking grip on yourself? They’re still the same kids.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4EFOTTKYKVFHHM4GICPFUAAQRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436747},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Get your coats, boys. Mom and Dad are taking you out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LOSI5XNS7NAKHJOYRKPH3FV3YU","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436748},"content":"I’m there, “Where? The National Museum again, is it?” because I’m really on fire today.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OIZG3IY4Z5CF3GDLEMOX5PFCXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436749},"content":"And that’s when Sorcha says it. She goes, “They’re bringing them to the church, Ross – to get them rebaptised.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GESQXBOSZJFYDL6YGVOLHG2KBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436750},"content":"I’m like, “Rebaptised? As in, like, returned to factory settings?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VW65QLEC3NDYNLUSI43FCQDKY4","additional_properties":{"_id":"WCU7ZJB6ONEG7GSGQ3BHHI7CB4"},"content":"Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"DE2QMJ26KRH3XDH5XW3SMR7WYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436751},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear goes, “Fr Rooney said he could do it at two o’clock.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SXXISTPUA5CN7JWZDBNDRYKLXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436752},"content":"I’m like, “No.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQQPX3YJ6VC57GTUPUPV6TCFHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436753},"content":"Sorcha goes, “What do you mean, no?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQITI3ZOVZHOLGREWUSV2WVBHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436754},"content":"I’m there, “I like them being Protestants. I prefer them as Protestants.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDJREFL36VAQTAUZO53XYVVNM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436755},"content":"But Sorcha’s like, “Mom, take them out to the cor,” which is what the woman ends up doing, waving her orms to sort of, like, shoo them out the door, like she’s trying to steer a seagull out of a Londis.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GACTOF4I5BAUNNBOR5AS66JOUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436756},"content":"“You’re wasting your time,” I shout after her. “You do it and I’m just going to ask Alice to switch them back again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5AN5SEJNNFDEHNG5SDMAZ6UYNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436757},"content":"“You won’t,” Sorcha goes, and as she says it, she looks at her old man, as if she’s looking for courage. “Ross, I need some time to myself – to think about everything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"STH2HBLKCZDRBEPRWT3P72ZSWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436758},"content":"I’m like, “Time?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EDMKOWU2UZHX7D4TPYZLRXSJLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436759},"content":"And she goes, “Space.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FT7WGBN6RRDVFD7WM47SG7QAXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436760},"content":"I’m there, “What, you’re, like, throwing me out again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNOYFFJLCNEIDLLOXYSMWEYMNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436761},"content":"And her old man goes, “She’s telling you to find somewhere else to live!” and it would take a good surgeon half a day to remove that smile from his face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6VXANJKF6NCHPAVVL3QZQXZGEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1723463436762},"content":"But I’m struggling not to smile myself, because I’m thinking – yeah, no – Borbados is supposably nice at this time of year.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback"},"display_date":"2024-08-17T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"FZQSHJ4WTJG3FIKC4JPF5P5B6Y","auth":{"1":"9a747fde8e8aa85ed3e73e82b226c85d8b31226abb419aca38e9803dc387490a"},"focal_point":{"x":1256,"y":623},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FZQSHJ4WTJG3FIKC4JPF5P5B6Y.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":374.371031,"episodeTitle":"The kitchen door opens and in they come, Sorcha’s old pair, the two of them with faces as long as an M50 tailback","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/66bb5471a7f4fbb991f1d908.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/its-a-miracle-sorchas-old-man-has-never-killed-me-though-he-did-buy-me-a-plot-in-shanganagh-cemetery-for-my-40th/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"QMMSI45VLNCGFLSCZN5J4QMDVU","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/are-you-aware-that-your-children-are-protestants-now/","content_elements":[{"_id":"XSQ6UVTPSVEIJJCC46YNUTG6C4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805508},"content":"So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/author/ross-ocarroll-kelly/\" target=\"_blank\">I presume </a>I’ve, like, <i>misheard</i> him?","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5VSAPNLTZEWLPKFVI2JBVJVTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805509},"content":"He goes, “Yeah, I’m, like, repatriating yachts. As in, like, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/magazine/\" target=\"_blank\">rich people </a>take them to the Caribbean or South America, then they can’t be orsed bringing them back again — and that’s where I step in.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5CDFDFXINNBHNBEEFHXXGLWWLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805510},"content":"I’m there, “So people pay you to sail their — literally — boats for them?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7WTRGWYSV5CSNMHKZGIBXMZ4FA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805511},"content":"“Yeah, no,” he goes, “the last time I did it, it was for a tech billionaire who’d taken his sixty-footer around Cape Horn.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WOTVD5VFFJDCDOAL4HUQUXWJEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805512},"content":"I end up nearly spraying him with a mouthful of the old Dutch master.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KMPYDJALFBC5L45ZB3QWEQMRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805513},"content":"He’s like, “What’s wrong?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4C65BJAUGBCIDHXBIG3N73IDH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805514},"content":"I’m there, “You said Cape. It sounded funny, that’s all. It <i>is</i> an actual place, is it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2ON3LCAMQRE3LKCRNSIR7UY2EE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805515},"content":"“Yes, it’s an actual place,” he goes. “I got flown first class to Santiago, then he paid me thirty K’s to bring the thing home. You should come with me sometime.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WOCTUMQVBJG4RAXEYGUU7HJIQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805516},"content":"“In terms of?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QRP44G3CTZBFJGU52HV2NLHCTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805517},"content":"“Well, I’m going to Borbados next week. Bringing a boat back for a certain captain of industry from Cork. I always ask one or two people to come with me for the company.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ANTCJAOWKRFQHPO7CL5RSUOGYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805518},"content":"“Yeah, no, I’d love to, dude, but I don’t think Sorcha would be happy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RXGI5K3XZFBY3DPM425S5GT6EE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805519},"content":"This is us, by the way, at a borbecue in Christian’s gaff. Him and Lauren are sort of, like, making it official that they’re back together again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W7MCI73M5BATBGI76JFH67IYY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805520},"content":"Hennessy tips over to us, a big dinosaur turd of a Cohiba burning in the V of his fingers. He goes, “So, what do you think of, well, you know?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FHNLZCTEG5C7NM3TAP4OKK3VAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805521},"content":"I have to be careful here. Lauren is his daughter after all.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNB3PHZKS5BELOEKELMF5GLCI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805522},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, I’m saying fair focks. The boys are obviously delighted to have their old man back living in the gaff.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5POLKM3GB5DDLHBW7OYZ72V5QM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805523},"content":"I actually told him he was making the biggest mistake of his life. But it was like when he had the man bun during the first Covid lockdown — there was no talking to him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"532ZAL5EJFD6PHKVNQAJXUGHL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805524},"content":"Hennessy goes, “You must be worried, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OJRHVJT5MJHTZK3EEMCCSI2MKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805525},"content":"I’m there, “Me? Why would I be worried?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6I6TJIECKBCG5BB3ZSYPC3EIZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805526},"content":"He’s like, “Well, you know whenever Christian and Lauren get back together, she always makes a point of asking him what all of his friends said about her while they were broken up.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A6IDU7ALCFGQJOII5H6CRRI42U","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805527},"content":"Oisínn goes, “She’ll have absolutely grilled him — no offence, Hennessy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"66LE4GLV6JEV7F76FE7LKU2CCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805528},"content":"Hennessy’s there, “None taken.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HE4ZYEZ44JELNAMJHBY355QELE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805529},"content":"Oisínn’s like, “They’ll have done that whole 100 per cent honesty thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M4LRYXFXH5HGTCEHZMIRNAFYFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805530},"content":"I’m there, “Not this time” and I’m looking at Christian across the gorden, flipping his burgers. “He said she could waterboard him and he wouldn’t tell her any of the shit I said.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S7LPXJ5PSFCSXIQYULLF644FDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805531},"content":"Hennessy laughs and goes, “Yeah, right!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LXNCDXG5YVAF3PO6JZSFT36SBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805532},"content":"Twenty minutes later, JP and Fionn have joined us and the goys are all keen to know what I think of the whole Andy Farrell taking a sabbatical thing. I’m in the middle of giving my analysis when Lauren is suddenly standing about 10ft away from me, staring at me like I’m something nasty that won’t flush.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OZLK5SWMQRAMXNFKPAYLVKM5EM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805533},"content":"She goes, “Toxic, am I?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HNHYOXSCPFCV3PLDULNWH2JC3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805534},"content":"I’m there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"73XPCQS7OJF33JA25LIT46OICA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805535},"content":"She’s like, “I heard you said I was toxic.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I5CDJXM4KNBUFDE4CVLF5Y5FPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805536},"content":"I look at Christian and he looks away. Seriously, the dude has a mouth the size of the Port Tunnel.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJNKHWGS5VCQ3C6NN4ZWFE44UA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805537},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not sure if those were my exact ...”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WEIUIEHTFVC2BFEAZFSTCL6WRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805538},"content":"She goes, “Christian told me everything. We have 100 per cent honesty in our marriage.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6ZYMPRCVFVBKPBHS4Y5ACTPJ5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805539},"content":"I’m there, “What I actually said was that your <i>relationship</i> was toxic? Rather than you yourself personally.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LZ5BBTAANBD5HL66EFCBMFMBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805540},"content":"By now every conversation in the gorden has stopped and all I can hear is the sound of Hennessy chuckling to himself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IH43AE7EHZB2FICMYPVV3R5XBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805541},"content":"Lauren goes, “What has Christian ever got out of being friends with you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B7Y6UV6W3FFC5EANAMDJLG7DII","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805542},"content":"I’m like, “A hell of a lot, I would have said. Storting with a Leinster Schools Senior Cup medal.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C3U3D2MY75BLZGEOYXRGMFYJTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805543},"content":"She’s there, “Yeah, whatever the fock that’s worth.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JYIK2CFGUNES5HRI45GCQGRBEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805544},"content":"There’s, like, a collective gasp. You don’t just throw out a line like that and expect there to be zero reaction. Not in Booterstown.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T537EURWFVAATPMEPSC7AWI67U","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805545},"content":"Sorcha tips over and goes, “Okay, can we all maybe take a breath here?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X7UTY6NV2FAITKTV2EMIAWE3IE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805546},"content":"She didn’t miss a single match back in the day, bear in mind.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TLUQ4DEIP5HPJBPVU64IRCHML4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805547},"content":"Lauren goes, “Carrying on like he’s some kind of expert on marriage. He has some focking nerve.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ODS5K4DA4JBEXB663X4O3KOBEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805548},"content":"Of course, Sorcha’s not going to just stand there and listen to Lauren diss our marriage like that.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KFDINXP55FCZBORPDDSTLR7RI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805549},"content":"She goes, “Yes, we’ve had problems over the years, Lauren. But we decided to stay together and try to work them out — unlike some people I could mention.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WDQXSBRRW5CLVCLMQL4OJNMY7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805550},"content":"I’m thinking, steady on, Sorcha, because I can already sense that events are about to spiral out of my control. That’s an experience thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LMXKCBW6DRB6DOJE3AAR3I3BDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805551},"content":"“Is that right?” Lauren goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X7IIMIZP7ZC45BRRM2IFJZD7UQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805552},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Yes, that’s right, Lauren.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4BPHSSFJ5HV7M3PE5LKKX2SXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805553},"content":"And that’s when Lauren says it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZJFEQBXTOFHYPPHREQ3C3YYOLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805554},"content":"She’s like, “Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IZUB4OZHXFBBBBK5EZPHECKEQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805555},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Excuse me?” and she turns her head and looks at Brian, Johnny and Leo. I don’t know what she’s expecting to see.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2P67VDKIAFBS7GJGQTBBNEBCPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805556},"content":"I’m there, “Let’s all just go back to enjoying this delicious borbecue. Lauren, did you get the salads from Bornhill Stores?” Except she smells blood in the water now.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VLJBWZZ7XJA6ZEQDA4IBVDUHMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805557},"content":"She goes, “Didn’t you know that Ross had them baptised as Protestants to get them into their new school?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OIN7DO3ZEFFMXOLE2H74YKEL7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805558},"content":"Sorcha looks at me, her mouth flapping open and closed like a landed trout. She goes, “Ross, what’s she talking about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQE7OCPUHNA2PADWDWIXIYEFP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805559},"content":"I can’t lie to the girl.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RYJ4JNQ6WVDLBE3L6Z7PCFXDIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805560},"content":"I’m there, “I’ve literally no idea”, having a crack at it anyway. “Although she’s been skulling the Kir Royales for the last three hours just to give you some context here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"73ZG2B35Z5HTBPIXNJN54LUVYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805561},"content":"Lauren goes, “Christian told me everything. He took them to the church and he had them baptised. Oh, and he got baptised as well. Your husband is a Protestant too.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3D3V6ZV33JDVBI2Q6QYKU3QLYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805562},"content":"Sorcha looks me up and down — like she’s looking for some physical change in me that she’s somehow missed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5DBM4QBP3VBJFEZGFUGBCMAVPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805563},"content":"I’m there, “For what it’s worth, Sorcha, I don’t <i>feel</i> any different?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEQO63ZUJ5B73HI5OUFUUJA4YQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805564},"content":"She goes, “Ross, my mom is a minister for the Eucharist” even though I don’t really know what point she’s trying to make. “I can’t believe you did this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5CFBX47LKBGDDJ26UFVA3ZDZLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805565},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha ... ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6W3FJCQUPZHRHLFBIZUMJNURRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722864805566},"content":"But she’s like, “Come on, boys, we’re leaving. Don’t come home tonight, Ross.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde"},"display_date":"2024-08-10T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU","auth":{"1":"d108b418cf53b4be2a9940a2ee3582ae5a4016f6df33f7c644f98b8c3a6bcd90"},"focal_point":{"x":179,"y":184},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":389.956,"episodeTitle":"At a borbecue in Christian’s gaff the cat is thrown out of the bag ... and now I’m in deep merde","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/66b61007a20d945cbc9375dc.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/are-you-aware-that-your-children-are-protestants-now/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"GXM5AAQHSVDXRF757HBVN6ZCY4","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/how-do-you-become-a-protestant-you-have-to-drink-the-blood-of-a-sussex-chicken-on-dalkey-island-under-a-gibbous-moon/","content_elements":[{"_id":"NFAM3LVILBG6THPKKQBIOX4DAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199922},"content":"Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C6P3J2EKWBHJJEKPAPQNOZOU2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199923},"content":"I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5NTL3UNEFFGNOB7NYTX7JEWZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199924},"content":"She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SH5ITUQG4BAWTASF4X6DN73LV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199925},"content":"I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. 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None taken.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KQS2FPZSHFCLPODAKJ72TPD7K4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199930},"content":"“I think the noise you made when the fatted calf had its throat cut frightened a lot of the children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHQNV4JDKZCN3FQFDESD4N2FX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199931},"content":"“Do you really think so?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YVB7XJ2ZERBCJBKC5SJNSN5AKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199932},"content":"“I mean, you must have heard them crying.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OK44MDXCNVFYZDWP65YND745AU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199933},"content":"“Hey, if they’re not feeling it, they’re not feeling it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ODOSHBWFJAPVDX5SDJV4WXBZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199934},"content":"“I’m just not sure it’s what people want to hear as part of their Sunday service.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HXABOE6BMNGOHAEKQMMXCPITEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199935},"content":"“Hey, you’re the vicar slash reverend slash whatever we’re agreeing to call you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N5O5E2TRXJH35AVYYQBJEQU574","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199936},"content":"She smiles at me. I think our Alice has a bit of a crush on the Rossmeister.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SM2LG2MYVNFGRDGNESLNOG2QQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199937},"content":"I’m there, “Let’s just be grateful it wasn’t the story of Noah’s Orc – because I can do a very realistic lion. I used to use it to frighten the boys out of the pantry when they were, like, four or five and eating us out of house and home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3QCZLWFEEJBVZLGBIWFJH4VNOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"T76TBVIBYVEPBCSMFR5LE2YY5A"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"ILWRBS4LFBA5XDB35RZ3PTUS3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199938},"content":"This is us sitting in the Lemon Tree Bistro in Mount Merrion, by the way, having one of our world-famous chats. I’ve decided that this is the morning when I ask her to sign the form to get the boys into St Adomnán’s, although I’m trying to come up with a subtle way to broach the subject.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEMVUEDKRZH6NJEVW6XVEJIOCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199939},"content":"I’m there, “Alice, will you have a sconn?” and I say it that exact way as well.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FVEUWBD7HZG6LPMLX2KJ2NAOEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199940},"content":"She goes, “A <i>sconn</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LEXJKG6LYZCBHIFULSLEXAUQPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199941},"content":"“Er, yeah – something wrong?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PTTQLAMD4NF2ZKIOXPBFCVNOCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199942},"content":"“It’s just your pronunciation of the word <i>sconn</i>. I thought most Irish people said <i>scoan</i>.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PD6CJYA7NFFYNND53UQE3GR4UE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199943},"content":"I knocked around with enough Alexandra College girls back in the day to already <i>know</i> this?","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOTXVJSI2FH2LC3XHBJEA7KALA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199944},"content":"I’m there, “I’ve always said <i>sconn</i>. From day one. People have this theory about me that I’ve always been, like, a Protestant trapped in a Catholic’s body – if that makes any sense?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AG7HZQVDIBH5HI3IKDJZUPVLRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199945},"content":"She laughs. I’m an incredible conversationalist just to give me my due.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLPZ33S4ZJFNFDRXSXKHEEU5GM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199946},"content":"She goes, “No, I’m fine for <i>sconns</i>, thank you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HEBW2GIRGNHTTEHKFAGKCQBJHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199947},"content":"And I’m there, “So, em, would you mind if we sort of, like, cut to the chase here? <i>If</i> I wanted to get the boys into St Adomnán’s – and this is purely, purely <i>hyperthetical</i>? – would you be prepared to do the necessary for us?” and I make a signing motion with my hand.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CH6J2KZ6FFD5POBVO7O23GRUPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199948},"content":"“You mean sign a form to say that you and your children are of the Church of Ireland faith?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZWQXK3CJXVA3BG3ENKLRBVEDJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199949},"content":"“Again, hyperthetical.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FALHSONBPNBWPGDJR3KOI3PB7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199950},"content":"She sips her cappuccino and goes, “If I ask you a question, Ross, will you give me an honest answer?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2YGNLUQVZDWLK7LRCGBS77KNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199951},"content":"I’m there, “You’re a woman of the cloth, Alice. If I can’t be honest with you, then what kind of a person am I?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5UYTK54PLJHMHKUL5SQ47U2MVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199952},"content":"“If I sign those forms, will I ever see you or your boys again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HXQX2OBQJBANL4HZS4IMWPYRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199953},"content":"Highly unlikely, I think to myself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QOTSDT2XQFBVNKRRLWXTWRMZBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199954},"content":"I’m there, “Of course you will!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2FGN2EQTENGMZNA7SJ7FK2WTGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199955},"content":"South Dublin is a small place. We can’t hide from her forever – try as we might.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7MY4CGW5UBEH3DVB4EB4BPCE2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199956},"content":"She goes, “So where are they?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YFVM7YSPMVG2TINRG6PN2WNMUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199957},"content":"I’m there, “The boys? They’re outside in the cor. And before you say anything, I’ve left the window open a crack like they tell you to do.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XJMSDYGSZZEARMPIGXNM3APU3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199958},"content":"She’s like, “I’m talking about the forms.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M3GRSWR45ZFGRAMZFMNLVW5OVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199959},"content":"“Oh,” I go, tapping my pockets and making a big show of pretending to have forgotten where I put them, “there they are!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SR2CHJMCH5C2DEDNC3VXJZL2GI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199960},"content":"I whip them out and I put them on the table between us.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UMXGU33XDFCZ3P5L3EZBZF3C4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199961},"content":"She goes, “Do you have a pen?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CKV3HUCORBAENK5HD5SGGWJNPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199962},"content":"I’m there, “Randomly, I do,” and I hand her the pen that I just so happened to put in my pocket before I left the gaff.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G6FP5CXTMBEVNEA43ICBOSYCYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199963},"content":"She goes, “Okay, let me look at this,” and she storts giving the form the old left to right.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FDTRVPUFNZCNNPMD2XQOLWCQO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199964},"content":"I’m there, “There’s no need to read it, Alice. I wouldn’t put you to the trouble.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"74X4OXLX5BGMVINO5TOJSYYXHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199965},"content":"She puts the tip of the pen to the bottom of one of the pages but then she suddenly pauses.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NR6G347X55C4ZIZ7YSZQMAYWWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199966},"content":"I’m like, “Is something wrong?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LGX32XDFJJDFJLQEFKAJE6CSYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199967},"content":"She goes, “How would you feel about making it formal?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FGGYSY6U6VDVTNO7RN5BOJRXCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199968},"content":"“Formal? Formal in terms of – ?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IWNSTO2FVZAQPEUF5KA7PYABUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199969},"content":"“Formal in terms of being baptised.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TF6B7KZCFZCKZKXEUFKCM5UFVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199970},"content":"“Baptised? As Protestants?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XMEIYGUVJGE3H3LPAPUYW3LFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199971},"content":"“Yes, as Protestants.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JUULYY7L3NBY3JCPHH27BH7XQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199972},"content":"“What, all four of us?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RUIGNFE7OBBAXMMM6KLH57ZW2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199973},"content":"“Yes, all four of you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q6PPU7ZQVNCYPK25DHX3AOB3G4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199974},"content":"“Is that not a bit, I don’t know, <i>heavy</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q6SKCKOB3JA2DJDXZFMXKKYOME","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199975},"content":"“Not if you and your children believe in the faith.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TDMSHD4JE5G7DIAZEL7BS4ERW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199976},"content":"“We do – 100 per cent.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UBYQKUULKFFWRHFGPGROWRS62E","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199977},"content":"“Then it shouldn’t be an issue.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3AAO4WAPOJCR3DWB435JN6QEPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199978},"content":"“What I mean is, well, is it strictly necessary?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z7TC2PMGBZA6ZBFZQGJMCP5TU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199979},"content":"“For you to attend service every Sunday, no, it’s not necessary at all. People of all faiths can receive Communion in our church. But I just think it would be a nice thing to do – as an expression of your belief.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ADV4LAKLAVHR3EATO5LUB3HV6A","additional_properties":{"_id":"I22UCM2HX5HNFHLZ77TWYFPE5M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"FM6GSGAYFZAPZCUH2HTHZUWA6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199980},"content":"I’m there, “So, like, what does being baptised as a Protestant actually involve?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"47UKV5RNCFF3PNRRVNVSAKMA4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199981},"content":"She goes, “You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7IEWVRK5KVGV5GHQU6E57ZHKXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199982},"content":"I’m there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWMCTJNBKJGSPCJCEYVALEAWDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199983},"content":"“Ross,” she goes, “I’m joking.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6TE6O4XUXRCJ3K6SAYBPAQNMJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199984},"content":"I’m there, “About us being baptised?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HV7GX43E35BJHJA22CYUYDYD6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199985},"content":"She goes, “No, I’m serious about that,” and she pushes the forms back across the table at me, unsigned.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SNZW7KB355FNXKAFIHHWPUR2FY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199986},"content":"I’m there, “So, like, when? As in, when could you fit us in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZZJUIOGLNHTVKFYGLRRS774YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199987},"content":"She goes, “I can do it now if you like?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBF4F524QNCX3H4AN333IYKTBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199988},"content":"I’m like, “Now?” and I can hear the concern in my voice.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A5JEZQUKMZDDBCODQECMWAH3BY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199989},"content":"“You said the boys were outside.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JE3URER42FHBJFYELPDPG2BH34","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199990},"content":"“Er, they <i>are</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EVWN7I2KCBBHZPUW2FRQW2M4AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199991},"content":"“So I’ll see you in the church in, what, 20 minutes?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AMU4E4ASJ5HBLFFUZYMMCB3WFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199992},"content":"I tip outside and I get into the cor. The boys ask me if we can hit Herbert Pork now to fling the old Gilbert around.","type":"text"},{"_id":"75KIOPW6VFA2DPA3GDHDDRJ6MY","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199993},"content":"I’m there, “Sure – right after we all get baptised as Protestants,” and I try to say it like it’s not a major deal – like we’re all about to get our teeth polished. “Obviously, don’t tell your old dear.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EISTRJ3JMNFR7AQVL74EWZQDL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199994},"content":"Then Leo makes this, like, noise with his mouth.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C3ZNSWEQDNCYDNMQLIYGURVHJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199995},"content":"I’m there, “What was that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YSZY24O3NJFG5PKKUA66CPWSQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1722243199996},"content":"And he goes, “That was the sound of mom cutting your throat.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part"},"display_date":"2024-08-03T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU","auth":{"1":"d108b418cf53b4be2a9940a2ee3582ae5a4016f6df33f7c644f98b8c3a6bcd90"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MHK2O7KXVJEURGYA4DU7MUSORU.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":376.852,"episodeTitle":" The vicar-slash-reverend-slash-whatever is joking about that – but not about the baptism part","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/66acf047c6ff02525dc4d4d8.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/how-do-you-become-a-protestant-you-have-to-drink-the-blood-of-a-sussex-chicken-on-dalkey-island-under-a-gibbous-moon/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"3RREOP7V3FANBEHT47GNH3S4NE","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/honor-has-picked-a-theme-for-her-year-as-mount-anville-head-girl-vengeance/","content_elements":[{"_id":"RSPCZQAY2RFAZABXT7KPEXJ6JQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685877},"content":"I’ve never been one of <i>those</i> parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for vandalising hundreds of SUVs across south Dublin. I know it’s a low bor that I’ve set for her, but here we are.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O3V5GB2UOFBWVANG4JSMEZ2RJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685878},"content":"Every morning this week, she has reported for duty, been handed a bottle of vinegar and stiff brush and been told to clean the chewing gum off the Liffey Boardwalk. So when Friday comes, I decide to surprise her by turning up to say fair focks in person. Except when I get there, it’s Mr Grainger, her court-appointed supervisor, who has a surprise for <i>me</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"IJTMK2L7TVEKXF4SMZIPMJ3OH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685879},"content":"He’s like, “I haven’t seen hide nor hair of the girl all day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4Y3BK7TFGBAK3CCC4QQCRE5F7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685880},"content":"I’m there, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDUQ4RVNKVHQVOC7YK5PD7TAYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685881},"content":"He goes, “She didn’t show up this morning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UET2R7RZNNBJRA2IEDYJDQ2ZKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685882},"content":"I’m like, “Well, have you tried her mobile?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJRT5RRLWVDKBKOOS75V55PJPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685883},"content":"He goes, “What do you think I’m running here – a juice bar? Someone doesn’t show up, I report them for breaching the terms of their community service order.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I5JZM7PHTNDAJNTTB2QSHA5E7A","additional_properties":{"_id":"F2UR4DS3Q5DS5E6M3BXVKWYYZQ"},"content":"‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"PE5ET4FRHVAJNB2UMEMCVQ2NTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685884},"content":"I’m there, “Well, is there someone my old man’s solicitor can ring? Someone more senior than you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZJD5T6AA5HFJA5NHY6RQ3ZBHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685885},"content":"I notice the other members of the crew – young criminal types, and that’s not me being judgy – looking me up and down.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZZF5CRWVVCZVAAQD7WDVNPPTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685886},"content":"“Like father, like daughter,” one of them goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ZILAZCUFVH7NJI2VIVWBDEKF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721748110696},"content":"Even Mr Grainger has a good chuckle at that one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XL7WRI7RQZFAHO7OQKHJTDZJ7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685888},"content":"“This is her third no-show,” he goes. “There’s a good chance they’re going to reset her hours completed to zero. That’s the best-case scenario.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MY4W4GWKDZDYHILYC4WAAN275U","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685889},"content":"I’m there, “And worst case?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AS2TNANJI5DNFK23RATHUJX3SQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685890},"content":"And he’s like, “A judge sends her to jail.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WRK67K2G4BC4DAGFSDCCTT24GI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685891},"content":"I’m there, “You’re going to be hearing from Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara. And I’d advise you to brace yourself – we’re talking status focking orange here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUM7BO62EZHOVPT4WP36JSM4EE","additional_properties":{"_id":"HDPPUM4FNNGDZDV42EIC37TJPM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NV57TP7VONEOPFTPQIL22ZFB54","additional_properties":{"_id":1721748110702},"content":"I whip out my phone and I ring Honor. She answers with her usual, “The fock do you want?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ELNO7IZV7NDGHBFIJKHJMV2JEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685893},"content":"I’m there, “Where are you? And don’t say you’re doing your community service because I’m standing on Bachelors Walk and you didn’t show your face this morning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G7CN6ETKDBF53GKMXVMXLYLGUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685894},"content":"She goes, “I’m taking tea in the Shelbourne,” and those are her exact words.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CGT7YX4S55HIPBSNRP72G45QHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685895},"content":"I’m there, “Mr Grainger is reporting you – just so you know.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NJOASOEGTZEE5PVVGVI7KP6VKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685896},"content":"She’s like, “Fock him. Hennessy will sort it out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EDFKHHFL7FBGZH7KLGYKRG3KNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685897},"content":"I go, “Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,” which is an out-and-out lie. “Sooner or later, you’re going to have to stort taking responsibility for your own actions,” which, again, is another lie. “Stay where you are. I’m on my way.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C7DBUFPEVRGVXLAXSGMHTJBOZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685898},"content":"When I show up in the Lord Mayor’s Lounge, I discover that Honor is – like she said – <i>taking</i> tea with a woman who’s roughly my old dear’s age and who looks vaguely familiar. It could actually <i>be</i> my old dear, given how often she has work done to her face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQZYKCM66ZBQ7L3ACRNEHVRIAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685899},"content":"I hear the woman go, “It’s your year to shine, darling – and you are going to radiate!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LLDQNZ3OANFKBEBQX6LPDNMCPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685900},"content":"The woman turns her head and sees me standing there glowering at them. She goes, “Could we get some more clotted cream – there’s a good man.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQOSVHPJNREJHA5FDSZFTCNMMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685901},"content":"I’m like, “Do I <i>look</i> like staff to you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EQU6QLBM6NGDNNHCANRUTVJIYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685902},"content":"Honor goes, “Wendy, this is my dad. Dad, this is Wendy Wagoner.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"34PPLNGE6JC4TEZDQJSAHH6KUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685903},"content":"Wendy focking Wagoner. Of course. She’s the PR guru my old dear hired when she was trying to win a Rehab People of the Year Award – except they weren’t giving them out for evil that year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMRLBH7HP5CQ5BOFVJL4AVCMZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685904},"content":"“Oh, yes!” the woman goes, even though she doesn’t know me from a crow.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MT2OE2WT6JGAFHO33XYWROC2DI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685905},"content":"I’m there, “Well, <i>as</i> Honor’s dad, am I allowed to ask what the actual fock is going on here?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEZUJVQ7JFGAFLMTONMWGOEUWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685906},"content":"Honor’s like, “I’m going to be Mount Anville head girl in, like, four weeks’ time. And I’ve decided that I’m going to need a PA.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MBHZVAMOYRGDHOLMDJHLNVP7FE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685907},"content":"I’m like, “You’re hiring a PA – to help you be head girl?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VFRYTR6YANAGTEWZXLCBKVOMXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685908},"content":"She goes, “Of course I am!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WZE7DWI7ONCLHI36BXNICVTZ7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685909},"content":"I’m there, “Your old dear didn’t have a PA when she did it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCQIP642FFH7JJNAEBMTWYNQ4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685910},"content":"And she’s like, “There’s a lot more involved in the job now. I’ve got to organise the sixth year skiing trip, the debs and the 24-hour Glamp-Out in aid of homelessness. I’ve to appoint an editor to the school magazine, arrange the Christmas concert and check out destinations for the Leaving Cert holiday. All of that while liaising with teachers to tell them what’s happening.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7LVX5JBTO5BLLCNBHY5A2W2WCI","additional_properties":{"_id":"SIWMFONXDVEMTLIT5GQCNHUSJA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"6JYWJHESUNBE5OPH6TKV6T4TRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685911},"content":"I’m there, “Isn’t that why you’re supposed to appoint, like, a deputy head girl?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWHJRM7MZRCZNKEN2YOI6VMA5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685912},"content":"But Honor looks at me coldly and goes, “<i>Uno duce, una voce</i> – as Granddad always says.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CY7IRFHGHVEWFOPNT7RXHYBNQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685913},"content":"Wendy – without even looking at me – goes, “Have you thought of a theme for the year yet, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67DWZSNNZFAFFJOOF2J3TCAJ34","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685914},"content":"And Honor’s like, “Vengeance.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"THHIUEPYKBBZZO6MWY67NDVETM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685915},"content":"Wendy stares into the mid-distance and goes, “Vengenace – oh, I love this! I’m thinking of a colour palette with lots of hot reds and deep purples!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S4LJYCECGBETHNDJOJDEAICZNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685916},"content":"I’m like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Vengeance against who? Whom? Who?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXYOBK67YRE6FOYJKKYA3MAOYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685917},"content":"She’s there, “Against all the girls who called me a weirdo over the years. All the girls who didn’t invite me to their porties. All the girls who wrote shit about me on Facebook.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KEWOGNNNKFDTTORBXSXPXNKUZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685918},"content":"“So the entire school?” I go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CE4YMAGYOBC5PDKRQZOPGPZZHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"3ZLKY46525EPDDB5E3P3CVMSIY"},"content":"‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ZSZ2UISKQNEBLLDNN4SFI67CMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685919},"content":"She’s like, “Plus the teachers who said that I’d never amount to anything in life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NH4YCCTL4ZDDRDD4E7ERQ5ASYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685920},"content":"“In fairness to them,” I go, “Mr Grainger mentioned a judge possibly sending you to prison.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7FEAZZLDFCFZIIWKWHT26655I","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685921},"content":"Wendy goes, “And what about a tone for the year? Have you thought about what the tone might be?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBJMD5VZQ5DOND7AFUGMWUATFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685922},"content":"Honor’s like, “Yes, I have, Wendy – chaos.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KCUKN4LHRNFOLPTNOS2GVOTUNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685923},"content":"“Chaos!” Wendy goes. “Oh, I love this! Chaos is transformation and transformation is – ” and she makes inverted commas with her fingers, ” – good!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NGAY3GIXAJHUNC2CB2GABIQ2DY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685924},"content":"Honor’s there, “But my first job is to arrange the October skiing trip.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2AV32CFM5BGXZHLQJ544OS6B7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685925},"content":"And Wendy’s like, “Where were you thinking in terms of, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PHLWW2GONFF6ZIFIMXY5QQDJNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685926},"content":"Honor goes, “My granddad, Chorles, has a time-share in this – oh my God – amazing villa in St Moritz.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3VOA5WLWF5EKNOSSELZFMBH7C4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685927},"content":"Wendy goes, “St Moritz! Perfect!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C3TGP4I3SRHQBBCC4JVIJWKXPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685928},"content":"I’m there, “Honor, that place only holds, like, 50 people,” and as I’m saying it the penny suddenly drops. “Oh my God, you’re going to play everyone off against each other to decide who goes – like the Hunger Games, except in Goatstown.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NW7JI75GDNFX3ONWVQDXXE2WEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721642685929},"content":"And Honor just goes, “Let the fun begin!”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie"},"display_date":"2024-07-27T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME","auth":{"1":"4df7010b0f7f8aa6338f41d1d6323edd485ecf67fd88a110b4d407fd86b41547"},"focal_point":{"x":862,"y":616},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/76PFUHT66JBTND3MVBTHPU5NME.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":400.828,"episodeTitle":"My daughter has failed to turn up for community service. ‘Hennessy can’t get you out of every legal scrape,’ I say, an out-and-out lie","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/66a34c61c2323834eed6a309.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/honor-has-picked-a-theme-for-her-year-as-mount-anville-head-girl-vengeance/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"7DXSATWXIBD6JEOWXCXJK2DNGI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/protestants-are-not-that-much-different-from-us-i-mean-theyre-definitely-less-craic-but-they-get-sht-done/","content_elements":[{"_id":"N4AIYEKWLBEMBCRKS4BRAVXAVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839885},"content":"I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dun-laoghaire\" target=\"_blank\">Dún Laoghaire</a>, while going over my reading for, I don’t know, Sunday service tomorrow. Alice – the reverend, vicar, whatever we’re agreeing to call her – WhatsApped me the full script last night. And, as usual, I’m struggling to read it without speaking the words out loud.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C6FXVKFQJNCXNGTFP22LS4WRIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839886},"content":"I’m sitting there giving it, “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness and complete pordon of our sins, in accordance with the riches of His grace, which He lavished on us,” and it’s all good stuff.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KIXYIKCS2RESZAJ63P4SMVECEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839887},"content":"That’s when Christian arrives on the scene with Ross jnr – my godson – and Oliver, his youngest. The first thing I notice is that they’re wearing matching Dryrobes, but I somehow manage <i>not</i> to mention how focking ridiculous they all look. The dude <i>is</i> my best friend after all.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MSNS3ZQM3FDPZMRLW2SO35HTKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839888},"content":"I’m there, “Have you been swimming?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5VVWV4UHP5CQDBSWPQBDYWRTAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839889},"content":"“Sea swimming,” Christian goes, actually correcting me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"23ZU6I7RIZHBLDRSZNCD2JAZGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839890},"content":"And I’m like, “Yeah, same deal, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QK4YC6Q46FHABG22M56KL4CUAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839891},"content":"He’s there, “What about you? Are you writing down your thoughts on the second South Africa Test?” because – yeah, no – I have my Rugby Tactics Book on the table in front of me – as per always.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KGCK5ZODSVCYDJOLCRJ6W7M7ZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839892},"content":"I’m there, “One or two ideas. But I’m also practising this,” and I show him my phone. “I’m reading the Epistle tomorrow. It’s from St Paul to – randomly – the <i>Ephesians</i>? I googled them and it all checks out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7MI66UCDFGR7MXQSQWISMZ5XE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839893},"content":"You can probably imagine how this goes down. His jaw is on the basically floor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WUI23EGQPBDHFLULVVZ6SL6TWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839894},"content":"He goes, “Are you doing this to get the boys into St Adomnán’s?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"475UMMITKNB5JP6KPOHFWUYW64","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839895},"content":"And I’m there, “I said I’d do whatever it takes and I will. I’ll tell you something else, Dude – I’m a big, big hit with these people.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T2VF5NCDEFGVNBNK7YOS264DQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839896},"content":"He’s like, “What people? Protestant people?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AYDKR5ZE2NBWNAQMCWEJQMC5AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839897},"content":"“They’re not that much different from us,” I go. “I mean – yeah, no – they’re definitely less craic, but they get shit done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4SUHBEAO3RG3NMVIYSCHCBYQRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839898},"content":"He shakes his head and he’s like, “You’re unbelievable,” and for once I can tell that it’s not intended as a compliment.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2MTKK7IZ7ZHD5O5GW7RB2G4DZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839899},"content":"I go, “What’s with the matching Dryrobes?” because I decide that I should say something after all. “You look focking ridiculous, the three of you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RZYQIYEM5NHLTB2E3VW6EGE6CE","additional_properties":{"_id":"FGT2FAXJKVBCFD5QHC5A2OFSWQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"EFLR6Z3OB5FGZL2JBNDAWPTYGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839900},"content":"He looks at Ross jnr and Oliver and he goes, “Goys, do you want to go and order something?” and he gives them his plastic.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWFMUMCXOJGQFATI5L42YJHDZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839901},"content":"It’s obvious that he wants to talk to me about something in private.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AMI2AKSW35EEXIUJNEHNQYPDPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839902},"content":"When they’ve gone, he goes, “I was hoping to have a word with you about something.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6QF6PAOKAFBNZL5IZAVHPJKQ5A","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839903},"content":"I’m like, “Oh, yeah? What’s up?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TDKXYXFHKREFXPFP7IVZZZGLL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839904},"content":"He’s there, “Lauren asked me a little while back how I’d feel about, you know, getting back together.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4DXHQPNYPVAADCGERYKVHOM2LQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839905},"content":"I go, “Lauren? As in, like, your ex-wife Lauren?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y7VPCNW2WZGE7FW7IMCNOVOGUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839906},"content":"“Yes, Ross, that Lauren.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RRZLJSCI4JDC5IS4AXJEUWFYCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839907},"content":"“I hope you told her to fock off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZQCWOYE35G6HJYERTK7RP6TFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839908},"content":"“Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMB7LYRUAVEWTJZIKROQAJ7RSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839909},"content":"It sounds horsh, I know, but I’ve heard about cases like this, where a divorce doesn’t work out – my old pair being a prime example.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMQKNQJ3QNAZXIORZZBF7MT66Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839910},"content":"I’m there, “The thing about divorce is, you have to really work hord at it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L6JQYZ6DFFCJHMCZ6XOC7AWXCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839911},"content":"He goes, “Look, I understand your concerns.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6YRHT4XEYVHZPJWGCPSTQCXY3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839912},"content":"I’m there, “Have you forgotten what she did to you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E75NOIK6ZVDQRN6CE7QUWYNYZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839913},"content":"He’s like, “Yes, Ross, I have forgotten what she did to me, because that all happened years ago. Did St Paul have anything to say to the Ephesians about forgiveness?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EUXO376XDZFTTLLOWSKR47SMRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839914},"content":"I’m there, “It possibly gets a mench later on. I haven’t got to the end yet.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XS6ZZMCYDBBHXGT6JQXAEGLGBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839915},"content":"“Look, I’m accepting that our break-up wasn’t great.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCAYN5EFQNFUXENKRKOZYWQATU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839916},"content":"“Dude, your marriage wasn’t great either, can I just remind you? She made you get rid of all your Stor Wars toys.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DCIAIWFNZ5C2DEKEJ2WWZU3UCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839917},"content":"“We had a second child on the way. We needed the spare room.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQMYFCLTY5H2JD6PWEIEWAZNKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839918},"content":"“That’s easy to say now, but I remember the tears in your eyes when we drove them to the charity shop.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XPZWVMSES5GI7N2WQ22LO3WIQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839919},"content":"“I got over it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YBV2APH6HVEENL3A5L6IMVOK6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839920},"content":"“You also stopped going to Kielys of Donnybrook every Friday night.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZMNHQHMEZBZLII56SSC2VF3SA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839921},"content":"“I was married with children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BJLQQIQUXFGVJPB4FZFZE4TKGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839922},"content":"“I was married with children, but it didn’t stop me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A663I67IDZEDDEKP4EYEISDQ6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839923},"content":"“No, it didn’t, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GVJGRHMJURHLHIMABCFOH6QCYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839924},"content":"I’m there, “Your problem was that you let her boss you around,” because I’m dropping truth bombs now.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7FEEJ7LWE5HOLJZZTKHJFY3JP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839925},"content":"He goes, “Yes, she has very firm ideas about how things should be done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X52TW2I52JEF5DBNIXSQIY7HWI","additional_properties":{"_id":"GM3E6V7PV5CFHAOX7QK3ZLIKAE"},"content":"‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"AMESUFILZBCMLKMFNOIKVB4KVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839926},"content":"I’m there, “Plus, she has zero interest in rugby.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U3ABUKBTRJALROHCUFEK2TZGVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839927},"content":"“And, what, that makes her a bad person?” he tries to go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GWCKMKYLKRAB7CD72TAZLVKVX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839928},"content":"“I’m just saying it’s port of a pattern of behaviour. Zero interest in rugby and no time for the Rossmeister.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GTMJY6OGZBFRIG2NKVYYPLZIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839929},"content":"“Well, she blames you for the failure of our marriage.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A36MSHDB3FFKTA6W5ZI2GMDTBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839930},"content":"“Me? The fock did I do?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D3VTNGQS6JBAZG3DX7WYT66RBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839931},"content":"“Ringing me every Friday night from Kielys of Donnybrook to tell me that I was wasting my life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NV7G3O7KUBCGXJODYG3ZSJYQVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839932},"content":"“She was never a fan of mine even before that. Do you remember the time I gave Ross jnr two grand in cash for his fifth birthday and she had a total shit-fit?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D6ZSOK3PPBA5VHQ2V25Q4ATSFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839933},"content":"“She didn’t want him to grow up with no appreciation for the value of money.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IVVISFIOJJA7VHTUFJS6ZZ4VWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839934},"content":"“Yeah, good luck with that, living in Ranelagh.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MM3ZUOVV3BA7BGZQVSUUJFZAIY","additional_properties":{"_id":"QGZVCVIMTFBS5LPWU4JY7D42FQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"JH2L7BL6TBA43IZAGIBM5Z5CTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839935},"content":"We’re actually, like, <i>shouting</i> at this point?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MNXMX3EBCBFFXPMNFDRPIAXDOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839936},"content":"I’m like, “Dude, she cheated on you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LLWTFHQSLFFJVED372MESYUJOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839937},"content":"He goes, “We both made mistakes in our marriage.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R6L7LAEJKVD7DCTJSODHXU6Z3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839938},"content":"I’m there, “Only one of you was on Tinder.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FE7547LH7JHKFKSUR5JT25W4EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839939},"content":"I actually swiped right without looking at the name. She did the same. That was one seriously awkward date.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6Q44W5E765DTNGS56L6MBUHY5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839940},"content":"He goes, “I was drinking in those days. I don’t blame her for seeking happiness outside our marriage. But I’m sober, what, four years now?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IEONMD7YHNEBHCNFEZQJFZLGGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839941},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, trust me, if you get back with Lauren, it will be the biggest mistake you ever make.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XHSONG3EPVB3VFWXZUYGNMM4B4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839942},"content":"I’m suddenly aware of someone standing just outside my line of vision, staring hord at me. I don’t have to look to know who it is – but I do <i>anyway</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"77PBAPSXCZC7JPLUN5V67WJ7NU","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839943},"content":"She goes, “Talking about me, Ross?” and she’s standing there with Ross jnr and Oliver.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCZQP26VHJD7XCZLSYP7V5C2EE","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839944},"content":"Christian’s there, “I wasn’t telling you because I wanted your opinion, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MCQGNVH4BFFKFOHO4DW7KIDFR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839945},"content":"I notice that Lauren is wearing the exact same Dryrobe as the other three. And I know in that moment that this ship has well and truly sailed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7KM3GWX5SNHCTAI5GQELELJSLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1721035839946},"content":"“On the other hand,” I go, toasting them with my flat white, “I’m delighted for you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JQHAEYTR6BBTHMF7T7W7B6BUHE","additional_properties":{"_id":"7LRHERDMKREHPIHL5LZ7SBEGDM"},"content":"‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’","type":"interstitial_link"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: I’m reading the epistle from St Paul to – randomly – the Ephesians, when Christian tells me his ex wants to get back together"},"display_date":"2024-07-20T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Protestants are not that much different from us. 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I dressed them up in white shirts and sleeveless, diamond-patterned sweaters, then I put Brylcreem in their hair and combed it to the side. I don’t know why I thought this made them look more Protestant, but no one has called us out on it so far.","type":"text"},{"_id":"32D3N7INWVC4RGMEKJ2OE7RY6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772965},"content":"The priest, vicar, whatever you want to call the woman, catches my eye and I give her one of my famous winks. She’s about 10 years older than me and she’s a genuine looker if that’s okay to say about a woman in her line of work.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQR3W4MLHRDCBCNDWT6SL62XZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"ZDZD4NBWARABZLGPUSZF3TF7GY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"GQIKOCBY3ZE6LKKTMANTJATAVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772966},"content":"“Make Me a Channel of Your Peace,” I go out of the side of my mouth. “I thought that was one of our ones. Or maybe there’s hymns that can be both. Like the way James Lowe is, like, Irish <i>and</i> a Kiwi?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2LHJGGDFSNCATHGTF6VHAJ3FFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772967},"content":"There’s never a time when I’m <i>not</i> thinking about rugby.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UI5YG2HOLJGRZM52OJU3TYQCPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772968},"content":"But I’m really struggling with the moves here – as in, what to do when. I’m sitting when I should be kneeling, and I’m kneeling when I should be standing, and I’m standing when I should be sitting. 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I’m telling the goys, “Leave the talking to the Rossmeister, okay?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y4A5J7MK4JACFLG2KMFLRTUW34","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772970},"content":"Leo’s like, “I want to go home and watch drunk people fighting on You Tube.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5HQCVEQHRFG2NFKT53BO7ZQOOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772971},"content":"I’m there, “You also want to go to a good school, don’t you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OBK4ZT73GFAETNV2CVZSGDLLPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772972},"content":"“No,” he goes, “I want to stay home all day and watch drunk people fighting on You Tube.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IGYKH5TH4ND3ZKV6HVFDH45UJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772973},"content":"I’m there, “Well, your old dear wants you to go to a good school. And I’ve promised her that I’m going to get you into St Adomnán’s. So stand up straight and let’s all try to look like serious people.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2S6SJ464QRCIROSPDC25HJWDNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772974},"content":"I make my way over to the boss woman. I’m like, “Hello, there!” because I’m Mr Personality – always was.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MS42SHBDTJEHPB6LTHGUXEBB4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772975},"content":"She goes, “Oh, hello,” and she has, like, a posh English accent. “I don’t think I’ve seen you here before.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UDBNLZGTQND2VCD2CVQEANMVQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772976},"content":"I’m like, “That’s random – because we’re here pretty much every week.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SI5PIAMJABEPBLX2R3VT27Z3EY","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772977},"content":"She smiles at me – like she <i>knows</i> I’m full of shit? There’s no point in lying to these people. They can see through you in a dorkened confessional box.","type":"text"},{"_id":"C44KAVF53RFBPGAWNAE27KB6NI","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772978},"content":"I’m there, “I’m going to be honest, it’s our first time. But I drive by a lot and I loved your sign: ‘We’re Hiring! Jesus the Corpenter Seeks Joiners!’ I thought it was very clever.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JZLCPVF4YNBNXF7D5L3NRRO2HU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772979},"content":"She goes, “Thank you. I saw it outside a church in Minnesota.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BRWOCPIFNJHKPBCQCNRENCFXMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772980},"content":"I don’t know if that’s a real place or if she’s made it up to test me, so I keep my response vague.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWR3TSD45FFY7H36H54TP7XR2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772981},"content":"I’m like, “Minnesota? Good one. So do I call you Sister, or Reverend, or Vicar?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XHVT64XAPVBJ3JKICJB53QWGOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772982},"content":"“Call me Alice,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HSHQO3IVDZGIZBJWSP2RHYDKW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772983},"content":"I’m there, “Alice? Cool.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QTWYYH7MFBHDNPK6HASRSN7NOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772984},"content":"She goes, “You’re Catholics, right?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZTGW52PSNZDJJKZ35SZUQYD3CE","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772985},"content":"Honest to God, it’s like a superpower with these people.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I4YARJZDLVHUZOZIPEB52Y67TQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772986},"content":"I’m there, “Is that the air we’re giving off here?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CXF5WTLL75D53BKNYZWQQ37DFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772987},"content":"She goes, “It’s really okay. I’ve always said our differences are more historical than theological.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WUAJN2Z5UVADTMKPITQURDBMFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772988},"content":"I’m like, “I was saying the exact same thing at breakfast this morning. Word for word. This is Brian, by the way, this one’s Leo, and this is Johnny.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z5NOOKRENRDYFFIPQRTAJA5JDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772989},"content":"She goes, “They look like lovely boys.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OMWTK5SLTFHOZAL7ATCRKMWFQY","additional_properties":{"_id":"2UPAALZLM5EV5OZEQWMKTJM3SM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"WG2GE7KJ7RG7XCUX3X46HW6LLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772990},"content":"I’m there, “They’re a bit of a nightmare – cords on the table. But they’ve been asking me about the whole God thing lately. Like I said, I’m a major fan of the sign, so I thought we’d pop in, check out the vibe and see what’s on offer.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3L6RQKL6WZDJFBKOYJV4KV6E3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772991},"content":"“What’s on offer,” she goes, smiling at me, “is eternal life,” and I do believe she’s flirting with me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HO4MEK6OQZEZNALU46AFEMWOTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772992},"content":"I’m there, “Did you hear that, boys? Eternal life!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FU6MX7BUJJBY3K5BPZ7LW6GTTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772993},"content":"Brian goes, “Can we go home now?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3MQ5BTSBTFAMTDXMO75M3CGZQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772994},"content":"Eternal life with my children? I’ll pass.","type":"text"},{"_id":"235R3WF3FND3DA7WCG23GZOBJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772995},"content":"I’m like, “He’s joking, Alice. He’s genuinely interested.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XKFPPNRFBFFTZE4KTAAPNLZT4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772996},"content":"“That’s good,” she goes. “Because a lot of people pretend to be interested just to try to get into certain schools – like, for instance, St Adomnán’s.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RYEMWQJU6VF2DDRLXHIX44C3CQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772997},"content":"I’m there, “Adomnán’s? Which one is that again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KXVXDODL4ZETBP2ZBDFJ37SDMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772998},"content":"“It’s the one across the road there<i>.”</i>","type":"text"},{"_id":"LJP6FGRI2BGPFLQMBBBFFJ722I","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526772999},"content":"“And people do that, do they? As in, it’s, like, a regular thing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFUVNIIQ7VFC3GY2MC2EWFFAM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773000},"content":"“Oh, only about 20 times a year. New faces suddenly appear. A couple with their children – scrubbed clean, dressed in their finest, hair combed to side. And all they’re really after is my signature on a form.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B3S4OPWI7NGVVN57NAKSCLJPNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773001},"content":"I very subtly take the form out of Leo’s hand and slip it into the pocket of my chinos.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BERLSPCFHVA25NHCHX7AKC72OM","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773002},"content":"She goes, “That’s why I came up with a test – to scare away the timewasters.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FKJXNC3MSZHU5GOVYGCMIMH4EY","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773003},"content":"I’m there, “A test? As in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2VGK4E7NOVGMNGOGWYQXZPQWAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773004},"content":"“Well, we’re always looking for readers here. Regrettably, a lot of our regulars are dying off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D5O3RIRKAFBLRFH6K2EPTHTXB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773005},"content":"“You’re asking the boys to read?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QHBE6NUY7BGSVFUYFHKWVQL5SI","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773006},"content":"“No, I’m asking you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OA2RCE3RABHWFJFEU7KAYEB64Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773007},"content":"“Me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPIHAZAM5JEZBO7BB2DF4F5SFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773008},"content":"“If you’re committed to the faith, it’d be a good way for you to familiarise yourself with the <i>vibe</i>, as you call it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A67HGNL3XBDZFEDYTEVGS5HX3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1720526773009},"content":"I think about Sorcha and how angry she was when I got the boys thrown out of St Kilian’s. 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They’re all like, “What?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NMA5RQBQWNBKBFN3Y2ZARKNL2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293279},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, Leo called his hockey teacher Hot Stuff and the principal decided to make an issue of it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYRBVK65OFEMBCO4FTKB4R7TOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293280},"content":"Oisinn goes, “It sounds like you were the one who made an issue of it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XVZKO2ECEFEIVAHVJPMYWKFE2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293281},"content":"And I’m like, “I just told him that if that was his attitude, I’d have to think about finding a new school for the triplets?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSOJVVES3ZGV7N7PPLJHLHQFA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293282},"content":"“And he took you up on that offer?” JP goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5MHEY6VM4VEPTEDIAN32NAYRN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293283},"content":"I’m there, “Nearly tore my orm off. 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JP gets the round in – four pints of green – while we all consider my predicament some more.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BEKRVXB7JJA23MZ5D3LVYLDTBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293287},"content":"“What about Willow Pork?” Fionn goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2BP32D2DFBKTP6UIXPLVCSO6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293288},"content":"I’m like, “Hordly – they turned us down twice before.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5JGLO5XGFF3FBCPXS2KJD6BUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293289},"content":"Oisinn’s there, “St Mary’s?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EWY6JT7UQNFKBKPHVFRSA6G6UU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293290},"content":"I go, “Again, they couldn’t have made themselves clearer when we applied.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YEUVGFQFRVA2VG4G4AX4FHSSIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293291},"content":"JP’s there, “Yeah, they have a bit of a reputation, all right. What about CBC Monkstown?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYXIMLTACNGF3GUO7ZIHBWZ7S4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293292},"content":"I’m like, “No, the vice-principal was there the day the boys tore the head off Mr Tayto in Tayto Pork. The only reason they got into St Kilian’s was because Sorcha’s old dear went there and she’s friends with Mr Schwarzenbeck.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ERYJWARZJRDYTME5SZJNYPJ5JA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293293},"content":"Fionn goes, “Have you considered maybe an all-Irish school?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DYREWTJHABESTAFWUBVEJYW4QQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293294},"content":"I’m about to give him a mouthful of abuse when something suddenly occurs to me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PPJKDRELPJGP7HBTP74C7E3T5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293295},"content":"I’m like, “Here, where’s Hilary going? Is it St Adomnán’s?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWQAQP3FDRB3LGHEQZAYER2YUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293296},"content":"This look of, like, instant concern crosses his face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQ5XJM7QBBGS5A36N7OH3PDJ4I","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293297},"content":"He goes, “You can’t send them to St Adomnán’s,” because he’s obviously worried that they’ll bring down the educational standard of the entire school – which they probably would, in fairness to them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMRX2GU65RCCBBPYVVUWYVIUIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293298},"content":"I’m there, “Why <i>can’t</i> I send them to St Adomnán’s?” because I’m super-defensive when it comes to the three little idiots.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FXCIVMOB3FFQHNDN5K57EARYXY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293299},"content":"He’s like, “Well, because it’s a Protestant school for one thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QABNFCQMIJDPVDZWPKEQPARDOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293300},"content":"I’m there, “I’ve no issue with Protestants. I adore Protestants.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XRPGUOFORBBQHALDPERHUJZHCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293301},"content":"This is an actual fact. If ever I’m looking for someone to do a job – an accountant, a solicitor, a dishwasher repair person – I’ll always choose the dude with the most Protestant-sounding name. I think I learned the trick from my old man.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7J76EGIGYVGGDLH2MRRSHHZKOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293302},"content":"I’m there, “Protestants are people you can trust. Look at you, Fionn. What did you get in your Leaving? The highest points in the country, wasn’t it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BHNMBJVQQVG3HMK4YJX6FVT67Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293303},"content":"He goes, “Thank you for the compliment, Ross. But admiring Protestants doesn’t actually <i>make</i> you a Protestant.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FVNPJNJQPNE27KJ725LW6GOHIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293304},"content":"“I’ll become one then.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MPEG3WTKLNFRDLQA736NRE6GXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293305},"content":"“You can’t just <i>become</i> a Protestant.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DDOOUZ2CEJDGZDBDT3J72IMY7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293306},"content":"“Dude, I’m a joiner. I’ve always been a joiner. Ask Sorcha how many gym memberships I’ve signed up for and then ended up cancelling before the end of the 30-day cooling-off period.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"P4ZNOD3AA5DAHDLZ22YPWFB2HI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293307},"content":"He goes, “Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFOWBVYBNJHZNMLEHGSIVEIEJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293308},"content":"I’m there, “Come on, Dude, half of South Dublin is going around pretending to be Protestant to get their kids into decent schools. Every second child these days is called Hugo. Have you seen the queues for a table in Avoca in Ballsbridge at the weekends?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BOU55R7Y7JDSNDZE26H57PKKVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293309},"content":"Fionn definitely doesn’t want Brian, Johnny and Leo going to the same school as his son because he tries to come in at me from a different angle then. He goes, “What would Father Fehily say if he heard you talking like this?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E6KRJFDRYNC2NMOZYK7QQXDMUA","additional_properties":{"_id":"DPUBYQQSAZABTEHHYV5GUP2D2M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"S4XWDLKXSFAYLO7ZNBURTFCNSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293310},"content":"JP’s there, “He’d remind you about St Claude of Bethany, the founder of our order, who, in 1572, swam to Ireland from France with a rugby ball under his orm.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YR4NN7BNTFHQPF5FLDE5N4VMPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293311},"content":"I’m like, “I’m not dissing St Claude of Bethany here – or his achievements. But Father Fehily also said that there’s no real difference between Catholics and Protestants – we’re all talking to the same God, just on different networks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YGYUFW7BQVBSNGGEL4CTLFHEAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293312},"content":"“Oh,” Fionn goes, because he’s rattled now, “changing your religion is like changing your phone provider now, is it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FDM5F43V4BFYTLN2LGZWGFLNYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293313},"content":"I’m there, “That’s exactly what it’s like. I’ve been 087 for years. Now I want to check out 086 – see what all the fuss is about.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5N36S44XPJH7PM4TARXW5BLERU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293314},"content":"JP goes, “Ross, you’re not even religious.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZS3PY225VDJNGOII2KP6GSTRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293315},"content":"I’m there, “Yes, I am.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IYZGVR3ZZBCRPDY3VPELRHVELE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293316},"content":"“Dude, you never go to Mass.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K3UBQWJG5BAVPFLVXQ3IHEJ5M4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293317},"content":"“That’s because the God I believe in is a busy man who doesn’t want to be hearing from me all the time. He doesn’t need me bigging Him up constantly. He has bigger fish to fry.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IR66PW3SGJBMLD4JGEV4L5L35Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293318},"content":"“And you’ve always believed that this super-chilled-out, totally-secure-in-Himself God was Protestant, have you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NU5JTW27FNBCTOGUVCVSHTZDWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293319},"content":"“That’s the vibe I’ve always got from Him, yeah.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AW6A5ORMRBBSNMUVQV4VX5ANE4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293320},"content":"But Fionn is still having none of it. He recycles and goes again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7XTFTYERMJHNHLYPEORKMFKTP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293321},"content":"He’s like, “St Adomnán’s isn’t really a rugby school, can I just remind you? They haven’t been in a Leinster Schools Senior Cup final since the 1800s.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7EVKAXWUGZCBBAKNERBICNJIXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293322},"content":"I’m there, “You could have said something similar about Castlerock College when I joined. Maybe Brian, Johnny and Leo will lift the standard – like <i>I</i> did back in the day?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6NWOVOAFGNDM5GBMEVA6HFZR7M","additional_properties":{"_id":"AYYVJEXPV5GFDLNIYAOTQXR4SQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"GGZG4F7HZJECJPYVBEN6O24FFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293323},"content":"Fionn is spitting nails at this stage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ETZD76NXDVGWFOLQB6PLL2LOUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293324},"content":"He goes, “You can’t just <i>join</i> a religion, Ross – even in South Dublin. You’re going to go to service on a Sunday, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XDJTSJGDHFCTJDXOAE2JLE62EE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293325},"content":"I’m there, “If that’s what it takes to get them into St Adomnán’s, then yes, I’ll do it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NDT62EYTBJAX7HI26XOARBHYXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293326},"content":"“What, every Sunday morning?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PEXL3Z6EEZGQFDDLQ6AGSMAT6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293327},"content":"“Is that when it tends to be on?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NIGVG3BOZVEEDIUYNZBWWPHB64","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293328},"content":"“Yes, that’s when it <i>tends </i>to be on.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7VJ3DD7IRF4FJ24ZPVREKKMRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293329},"content":"“And they definitely don’t do afternoons?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2TBGCZCPRZEUPDG6XGIVBIURX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293330},"content":"“No.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CNFMISS43VH5JNXQTGG63BLB6U","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293331},"content":"“Fine. I’ll get up.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CPDG5ZKJA5C6ZPUDZ3GLXSSTHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293332},"content":"Oisinn goes, “Fionn, chill out – he’s only trying to get the best education he can for his kids.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BE3UKC5IJNF3LOZO2Y6O5AVCC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293333},"content":"Fionn’s there, “My religion is something that I take seriously.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JAWVXSH6WFD2PAVRMPAS5L3YDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293334},"content":"But JP goes, “<i>The Lord said, ‘In my Father’s house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you.’</i> That’s John 14:2.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UFLYKVVG6RHXPLKXYZUKTTKKWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293335},"content":"JP studied for the priesthood. He knows the book backwards.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VMFH27UKIRATDNGAEIJ6CDJ5PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293336},"content":"I’m there, “That church you go to, Fionn – isn’t there a big sign outside saying that everyone is welcome?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2IAQAHKVUFF2XD7BZ6IKXV4XRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293337},"content":"He’s, like, red in the face, he’s so angry.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KJUIDVNIKRCNNDAMPGVSLYB76E","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293338},"content":"He goes, “Ross, you won’t pull it off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KH5AGJAFVBHGZHUKLPVOGJADIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293339},"content":"But I remember him saying something similar 25 years ago, when I attended the Loreto Dalkey and the Loreto on the Green debses on the same night without either of my two dates knowing. Which means he’d be a fool to underestimate me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SAEU3O6AWBH2LL2VPVXBYM5OAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719825293340},"content":"I go, “We’ll see about that, Dude. We will see.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it"},"display_date":"2024-07-06T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"PHF3Z6W255E25EUUOLTZ7QO7RQ","auth":{"1":"ccad3fe67253eb356a6f30109e66271e659e04f876616b66e28d0a1a49501c71"},"focal_point":{"x":1134,"y":1012},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/PHF3Z6W255E25EUUOLTZ7QO7RQ.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":393.364,"episodeTitle":"If getting the triplets into a new school means changing my religion then I’ll do it","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/6687f4c619ce290b0b6d4fdd.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/ross-its-not-just-a-case-of-filling-out-a-form-and-hey-presto-youre-a-protestant/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"SV7QTK4WURHKXN6TZ27QCKUGSE","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/honor-goes-i-was-into-taylor-swift-before-like-anyone/","content_elements":[{"_id":"HPWD3O2XDVCKHLFXZ24H7K3UJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377728},"content":"Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EYOFAKVGJFBU7OS7TRDLLQODRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377729},"content":"I’m there, “How the hell <i>are</i> you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IAPDXOUTHNCDVGMSQTPJJT34KA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377730},"content":"He goes, “All good, Ross,” and I decide to let him tell me what’s wrong in his own sweet time. “What about you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"347X43YBQZFFHCEASJMGPBAYNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377731},"content":"I’m there, “I’m in absolutely cracking form, in fairness to me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCPS4PW35ZDV3LTTX7DZSMSYSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377732},"content":"And that’s when the conversation dips.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N7UWSARQD5CZHA5BPWHNYBZ7MU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377733},"content":"“My son told me to fock off,” he eventually goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ZWLLECEMFF37ELYYEV3BH4LMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377734},"content":"I laugh and I end up pretty much spraying him with flat white.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPTCBYFFUFFHZH6C7EI6HZIJZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377735},"content":"I’m like, “Which son? I’m presuming Oliver?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EHSTQL2JJBAU7ONRFKAWOSI76E","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377736},"content":"He goes, “No – Ross jnr.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"32GGOGJ5TRCCBN3I3RNSNBU4MA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377737},"content":"In other words, my godson.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3DDMJ3GF5JC65KEWD2HBN7S2UI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377738},"content":"I’m there, “Ross jnr? I didn’t think he had it in him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4PDNIDP3NRAZLFOUFBFYERMKWY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377739},"content":"He goes, “It’s not funny.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EPOKDRQUL5ENPGMC2TV7CG7LQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377740},"content":"“When I walked in and saw your miserable face, I thought you were still upset about the defeat to Toulouse. Dude, it’s a landmork moment in any kid’s life to tell his mother – or father – to fock off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XJ76ZK4UCVFPHJDHKEENTHVOUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377741},"content":"“Is it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FQQBX6JPFNG45CBRW5DT4YTBRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377742},"content":"“Big time. I got it out of the way early. I was, like, eight years old when I said it to my old man. He thought he’d spotted a glitch in my kicking technique. Jesus, I was five when I said it to my old dear.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XOEW7NJ2FRF5JIT3P5774R4O64","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377743},"content":"“Five?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RW5HWDU6JJFE5CPUWBMUXGZXP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377744},"content":"“You know she had me mixing her cocktails for her from the time I was, like, <i>this</i> high? Well, she claimed I put Smirnoff instead of Grey Goose in her Bloody Mary.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PLWMWEYYUJBLJHG23AKMIXSEYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377745},"content":"“So you’re saying it’s nothing to be worried about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JHIVJV6TYNGBNJHPHUU5XID2KY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377746},"content":"“Dude, it’s like a rite of passage.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TWK7N5EUXBGNNDHN4KDERGO3QM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377747},"content":"“Because I was worried I possibly <i>overreacted</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZWP6TXZF4JAUNLY2M52CGEZ2GY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377748},"content":"“Sounds to me like Ross jnr is finally manning up.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4BB527SJGBEUTIQZN6BUU56H7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377749},"content":"“I told him I wasn’t going to take him to the Taylor Swift concert tomorrow.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFKDI3GZPVCSHOVSZLRC2XB5GU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377750},"content":"“What’s that now?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ER5RWYD3T5AMLFE7VUMWWDNXOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377751},"content":"“He’s a huge Swiftie. We’ve tickets. Do you think I still should bring him?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2FYDWGVO75GL5CDVAHWD66E4BA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377752},"content":"“I mean, if he absolutely insists, then – yeah, no – whatever.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A5R6LS3NSFHEJKZJBTISUU73W4","additional_properties":{"_id":"7R6LZYZIIBGFLMFRVQLMVO6CR4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"GTZV5V2CPVAPNDZAOR2WSRWN2M","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377753},"content":"It’s at that exact moment that my <i>phone</i> ends up ringing? It’s, like, Honor. She’s picking up dog shit in Cabinteely Pork this morning as port of her community service.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AUIXRRUKHBB5BLQ55NXRR64O6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377754},"content":"I’m there, “Honor, what’s the story?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PLQ3MAZHWNDH3PRORPPR7HTX2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377755},"content":"She goes, “I’m ringing to make sure you haven’t forgotten – about tomorrow?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDTMUFKOEVA3NHO5FFC5WZKSEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377756},"content":"I’m there, “Tomorrow? As in?” because I haven’t a focking breeze what she’s on about.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5WGQWDCNE5EWBKJRYN6ZLO7SHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377757},"content":"She goes, “Er, Taylor Swift?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D54BMU444JE5NPN6H5RE3CYLUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377758},"content":"I’m there, “Oh, right, that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DCBWYC5QEFDJTO5JJ6FYXV6C3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377759},"content":"“You got the tickets, right?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T6QLH4524FCGVJA7T7IMLPXC4I","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377760},"content":"“Of course I did.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HGCPD3XF7ZBQDDZWMQ5DV47BT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377761},"content":"I didn’t.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ZCUG5IVGFB65HHB6WOLXRYRVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377762},"content":"She’s like, “Because I told you I wanted to go. It was, like, port of my <i>birthday </i>present?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DF3GBNUQYRDRNERLUQROFMOMGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377763},"content":"I’m there, “So you, em, <i>weren’t</i> being sorcastic?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HHSU5UXP5FN5AIAGRCDU7OTZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377764},"content":"“Did I <i>sound</i> like I was being sorcastic?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S6YQTN5PUJG6TNKOMVZR45PTYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377765},"content":"“I can never tell any more. That’s the problem.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W2GQDMYWBZCRVFFWG3Q74SCN7E","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377766},"content":"“I was into Taylor Swift before, like, <i>anyone</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5ED3DXWR5EODDLKGEQEZEOOQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377767},"content":"“Right.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CAKC6KBLLZB5BN6RKICXTH5K4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377768},"content":"She goes, “So you have the tickets?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V46OWT27GBFUBMNKESI7MQEFOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377769},"content":"And I’m there, “Of course I do! What do you take me for?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"47YASBGDCJBCNO3GMWFDWRXQHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377770},"content":"She hangs up on me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FT7CNIGMGNEYVGQN4J7A2CXNOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377771},"content":"Christian goes, “How’s Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4YCBUEBU2ZE6VAF77HBDXJKC6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377772},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, she’s on what they call bomb squad duty in Cabinteely Pork.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UPPQCK7CXRDKDEZESEI5WDP7KM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377773},"content":"“Shit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RW4LBL4UAFEYNDCZXALIMM5WSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377774},"content":"“Literally, dude. It’s, like, port of her – yeah, no – community <i>service</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZL3MWYWEXBHEPPES7HG5WVOI24","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377775},"content":"I let that sit for maybe 30 seconds, then I go “Do you remember a few minutes ago when I told you that you should ignore Ross jnr telling you to fock off? What if I told you the exact opposite now?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCGAK7DQGBH6HBH2HGVHIJGVRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377776},"content":"“But you said it wasn’t a major deal. You said it to your old dear at five.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQ74PJX3ONEGPPKFW4KBYUDREY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377777},"content":"“And I turned out okay. I was one of the lucky ones. But, well, the same couldn’t be said for Honor, could it? I mean, she told me to fock off when she was, like, 18 months old.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6KOHUYQ27JA57KZ3IYGPRNNFSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377778},"content":"“Eighteen months?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MOLUSZGKAZDNDHVPQFMHNHAFTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377779},"content":"“They were pretty much the first words out of her mouth.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LLL3R2WM3RGSXNCNLNYZRZ3TKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377780},"content":"“Sorcha said her first word was focaccia.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R3YALUDUC5F25ADSAF4V6YJ7K4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377781},"content":"“She always tries to put a positive spin on things.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WZUUSGQ3QJGJRCDYWCWUDAH25U","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377782},"content":"“So you think I <i>should</i> take a tougher line with Ross jnr?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ARAUY3ZK6NHZDJRRG6F4I6NXFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377783},"content":"I’m there, “Like I said, Dude, Honor is spending her Friday on the Easter egg hunt from hell.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JLRYY6E73ZEB7LC4VKJK6M6PHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377784},"content":"He goes, “I don’t want my son to turn out like your daughter.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DKB3YWSNSBAPLKVPP3I7FCHDR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377785},"content":"The cheeky focker.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZAXKAE47N5CZRJCRRVPSU7V6YM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377786},"content":"I’m like, “None taken, Dude. None taken. I’m just making the point that raising kids is tough.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JKZQR6BQWNHYRDZYLLUK733HME","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377787},"content":"He goes, “You always said they pretty much raise themselves – beyond feeding them, there’s very little you can do.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HJMQ3EU5DNC5LPLRWMBN2KROFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377788},"content":"“Can we, like, <i>stop</i> focusing on things I’ve said previously? Maybe I was playing – what’s the phrase – devil’s <i>advocaat</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4H32MN6Y5BDJRANVHDONBXVKCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377789},"content":"“So you <i>don’t </i>think telling your parents to fock off is a rite of passage?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DUNDP6GAZVAALPCYEDN54SQGQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377790},"content":"“Rite of passage or slippery slope – only time will tell.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SYZAO2YYBRBJVHM7K6SRQM6FSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377791},"content":"“I definitely don’t want him turning out like Honor – or any of your children for that matter.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4UBCH3LTZNAGDA7ORS676DDPUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377792},"content":"“Can you maybe stop running down my kids, Dude?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7TJXU6KNUVEHFCGBN6UGHK6XCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377793},"content":"“So you think I <i>should</i> stop him going to see Taylor Swift?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FAEI3ZPBBNGDXAW5QZ22BCXXVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377794},"content":"“I’m saying you could be doing him a favour in the long run. My daughter has a criminal record. God only knows how that would impact on her life if we didn’t live in Killiney.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QDHKPRRN3RCZPK2JAW4LYFF7AA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377795},"content":"“Thanks, Ross. I appreciate your honesty. I was really torn.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L2YG4EPM5FGJFJ2P5O3SXYW26I","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377796},"content":"“Hey, I’m your son’s godfather. I care about what happens to him. And a short, shorp shock might be just the thing to bring him to his senses.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CY2NMWEJK5DFDBTEFCL5YXHGCA","additional_properties":{"_id":"ST5BKJNZ3FDTLDJQT6WC2NKJOE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"J2IUSWCPSJBRPFPS6MFJQAY55M","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377797},"content":"We sip our coffees. I wait a good 60 seconds before I go, “Do you know what – as a favour to you and because you’re my best mate – I’m going to take the tickets off your hands.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TV6KSW3NSVFGNMAJIL5EFEZTRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377798},"content":"He goes, “Errr,” because he’s not a <i>complete</i> sucker? “I mean, you’ll pay cover price for them, will you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GLNG3PRRNRGOXDBQSRGID52GPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377799},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not paying cover price for second-hand tickets – fock that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7IZ65J42OBEVDOOXKAYISGBAAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377800},"content":"“But they’re changing hands online for, like, five Ks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5VMBFIIODJBDXL4XLPWB7EXNEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377801},"content":"“Oh, you’re looking to <i>profit</i> from the fact that your son has turned bad now, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEKPTASJFJGKNDQVYYJ4NT7WRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377802},"content":"“I suppose you have a point.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2YCIRF6SYNHBPOD36G3KIPWLGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377803},"content":"I’m there, “Look, I’ll give you three-quarters of what you paid for them. How does that sound?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q3GUHJJIOBB4VKZ5CI3USZODU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377804},"content":"He goes, “Yeah, whatever. And – yeah, no – thanks for the chat, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XCOHEP2J7NB43ENZH3IOGF3QPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1719220377805},"content":"And I’m like, “Dude, that’s what friends are for.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday present"},"display_date":"2024-06-29T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Honor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"MPSXRPJYYZFI7AA5FO4L76DAXU","auth":{"1":"b5e585d388e21c985e7cb9a8450ac83353a4c626c8996f07267567b68ddd2c5a"},"focal_point":{"x":1217,"y":633},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MPSXRPJYYZFI7AA5FO4L76DAXU.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":371.596,"episodeTitle":"I assumed she was being sorcastic when she asked for tickets as port of her birthday present","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/667e7dabfad4724cde851bc0.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/honor-goes-i-was-into-taylor-swift-before-like-anyone/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"U34TQ7IDUNHPRDZ4JSJSE46TNI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/sorcha-goes-you-had-an-erotic-dream-about-my-mom/","content_elements":[{"_id":"TSQXQCATVRAH5AGM322KMW56UI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006552},"content":"So I’m in the cor with Sorcha and we’re on the way to Clonskeagh to collect Brian, Johnny and Leo from school. Yeah, no, they’re finishing up today and we’re bringing them out for lunch to say fair focks to them for going another year without being expelled. Like most south Dublin parents, we set a very low bor for our children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BEKU3VYUIVG57HBXG4JABUCRGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006553},"content":"That’s when Sorcha – totally out of left field – goes, “Mom and Dad are going to meet us at the school.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AG57MPRBFNEZVGRCXH545I25II","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006554},"content":"I’m like, “What? Are you shitting me?” and it’s like she’s said she’s taken up pole dancing lessons and set up an Only Fans account.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KZTFCVSUE5GXXFMK2CZMJ54GAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006555},"content":"She goes, “Oh my God, why are shouting?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SRO4GSUKP5ALXBWKNL2ZQEI6LE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006556},"content":"I’m there, “Because I don’t want to see your parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWDZORIAANADVOF5GHAEPIWE3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006557},"content":"“You never want to see my parents. You hate them and they hate you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OOZCJ2MJOBCPLBRIV6L2PKWL6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006558},"content":"“Well, I especially don’t want to see them today – your old dear in particular.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TPM5RCECPBCXNAND5QJ32WEZG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006559},"content":"“Why don’t you want to see my mom?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7GIUPCWCBAVHMS2WEXMIS4CO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006560},"content":"“Look, it’s private, okay? And random.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFMRCI5FEFFWLBUGLPTC6GTWKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006561},"content":"“Ross, we’re, like, two minutes away from the school. Just tell me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N7APNFU2QZFPPIOLT2QHUGVKLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006562},"content":"“Fine,” I go, “I had a dream about the woman last night.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RGSIKWWICBHDTE56S2YIXQKDNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006563},"content":"Sorcha looks confused. She’s like, “A dream? What kind of dream?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7XUTMBE7LVFDRI222F2NVXOQ4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006564},"content":"I’m there, “It was, you know, an erotic dream.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UMUJLQJ2H5FLVGYNEJF6UM3I3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006565},"content":"She ends up nearly driving into a lamp-post on Roebuck Road.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YAP3C3LVNJDK3PSNJPZYZP2GYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006566},"content":"She goes, “You had an erotic dream – about my mom?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPS4DAMGP5EBDGECCWQ2T3M6NI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006567},"content":"I’m there, “We can’t help what we dream about, Sorcha. What about you and Simon Harris during the first Covid lockdown?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LC5NVIM6IBBINDP6ICQ2667E6I","additional_properties":{"_id":"HLATKC6QQRFZTP3YAFQ55SY6BY"},"content":"Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"46FRDFKOKBEUDJDAX3SJZ3LICM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006568},"content":"“That was different.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3SAXTT4U5ZFFXFQY2PA5MSWXTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006569},"content":"“Different because it was you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3DX4FIYWLFFPLFG2WT7PG5BXTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006570},"content":"“Different because I was on medication for back acne and vivid dreams were a side effect. What actually happened – between you and my mom?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OV2UCMTSSZABDJQBFMJ6DLIPEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006571},"content":"“Yeah, no, I don’t really feel comfortable <i>going </i>into details?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DDEGDQCCNBBBBPQSIKZYNID4AA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006572},"content":"“Oh my God, did you–?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HOIWATJLCFGN5FETC2FJVZQL74","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006573},"content":"“Again, I’m going to plead the Fifth on that one.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4CQTAMOWZBMFBBWEPHSTYOPZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006574},"content":"“Do you know how disgusting that is?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UDJK27GOQJFKFDT5OSXDOLHOX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006575},"content":"“Sorcha, I don’t fancy your old dear, okay? I’m on the record as saying she has a face like a roofer’s knee and legs like the Bride’s Glen Viaduct.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NDAPFS2Z7VC6VONCQO5LR3WFDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006576},"content":"“You’re un-focking-real!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EDZTLDNSCFE7RAFKERIROUZEZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006577},"content":"“Anyway, my point is that I can’t face the woman – certainly not for a week or two. Or maybe even longer.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PJ3IYBYXFRGONHJHYRPOEGQAUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006578},"content":"“Well, tough shit, Ross, because you’re going to <i>have</i> to face her?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FPFG4CCR3BGDZGJJWO72CHFAAU","additional_properties":{"_id":"BKJG3QKW3JHYPHJNS66LEB6H7U"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"EOZJNAJKAJBSTCOBSTUPWMQSGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006579},"content":"She turns into the school grounds and – yeah, no – there they are – the Gruesome Twosome, as I call them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RLTDU33LB5D5XI6G3ZM7Z6UPVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006580},"content":"I’m there, “You’re not going to say something, are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N5BYLJPYM5EP3BEDPUZIQII77E","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006581},"content":"But Sorcha just goes, “Seriously, Ross, of all the things you’ve ever done–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VKRYYD2C6VBC5CNK72JPYOMEDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006582},"content":"I’m like, “I didn’t <i>do</i> anything!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BSWODT2TCFFIHADGGBMW7CNE5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006583},"content":"We get out of the cor and we tip over to the them. <i>He</i> doesn’t even acknowledge me. Hates me with a passion and has from day one. Sorcha’s old dear gives her a big kiss on each cheek – it’s like, <i>mwoi! mwoi!</i> – and I go, “Don’t kiss <i>me</i>, by the way. Feeling a bit ropy. Could be Covid.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EODRRSTNBVDFRJJH7DJYSG2424","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006584},"content":"The woman goes, “I had absolutely no intention of kissing you,” because we’ve <i>never</i> had that kind of relationship?","type":"text"},{"_id":"NAOXCBZQIFDBPEEYR2R6HRSGX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006585},"content":"I’m there, “Good – just so we all know where we stand.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3RILYOYMLBE73MXSN7GHFNTXG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006586},"content":"Sorcha’s old man is like, “What’s wrong with <i>him</i> today? Why’s he blushing and looking down at his feet like that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PHCHDNK74RDGVAIQOWXV3RTP74","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006587},"content":"Sorcha goes, “He had a dream last night – about Mom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O3DKHATKWFFG5JCZWBCBPYAIUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006588},"content":"I’m there, “For fock’s sake, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H4PQGDFSEVGA3AJEE32D4AIOI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006589},"content":"“What kind of dream?” her old man goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CYL4QLKDXNHK7AM7UP3AEEEG64","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006590},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “An erotic dream.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BPKWP34HFBC7ZE43P7ADD55HGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006591},"content":"Her old dear goes, “Oh! Oh my!” and I can tell that, despite the shock, she’s a little bit flattered.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q2KIWUZEBVDRPJDFA5V4FFYGWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006592},"content":"Sorcha’s old man goes, “You should have had him neutered years ago,” because he seems like the definite jealous type.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RM5DJXYTSVHNZJSKZDIUQCGWJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006593},"content":"Her old dear goes, “What exactly happened in this dream?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QNYZG44Y3VFMZMAP43BGND25FU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006594},"content":"And I’m there, “Oh, you’d love a full account, wouldn’t you? Be a boost for the old ego.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPGNAVLQERESPHDIWFJHSEWV54","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006595},"content":"“I beg your pordon!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XHO54KA3QNBKJAKCSCZPGSGDWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006596},"content":"“I’m saying don’t go losing the run of yourself. The Bride’s Glen Viaduct. I’m on the record as saying it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O2GINHI2HBFKRBRHVYHFIL2TSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006597},"content":"Sorcha goes, “I’m so sorry that this happened, Mom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FW2VOETTJBF7RCF2UAK44STPFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006598},"content":"I’m there, “Nothing happened! It was a dream! And if it’s any consolation, I nearly vomited when I woke up!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YEQKCDXTIVFPJGJ7ZY6KZ27P6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006599},"content":"“He’s got sex on the bloody brain,” Sorcha’s old man goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LWN2SGSMHFCD5PLLWCJGBPB6GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006600},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “I am, like, <i>so</i> embarrassed!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MPR2H2PZWVA55LJYIN6YCM56TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006601},"content":"I’m there, “Embarrassed? They wouldn’t have even known about it if you’d kept your Von Trapp shut!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"32HWXIKVZZEALKW2WF6ZZ5VE2A","additional_properties":{"_id":"E3L5V33PZZASLELT27QWTJVDKM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"G54V6ALO4VCKZCALCPOPHYBBHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006602},"content":"All of a sudden, the bell rings and a minute or two later, all of the kids stort streaming out of the school, excited that it’s all over for another year and the summer is finally here. I spot Brian, Johnny and Leo walking towards us and I notice that Mr Schwarzenbeck – as in, like, the school principal – is <i>with</i> them?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5UDN3PVPZNA3FKGT7LF2SQUWPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006603},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, I hope they’re not in some kind of trouble.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4Z22PV2S2VCTNOWEOYPMWB47RA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006604},"content":"I’m there, “Well done, goys. Another year – you’ve proved the critics and the haters wrong,” and I let the three of them into the back of the cor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DUHCCOBALJASTM4DVIQDZWK56M","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006605},"content":"Mr Schwarzenbeck goes, “Could I, em, have a word with you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PEMU5UGIGFD6PO773IOMETWOBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006606},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear goes, “Has something happened, Herbert?” because they’re old friends – it’s the only reason they got into the school.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MT3BPOS3NNEGJDHGIHOFOLUDIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006607},"content":"“One of the boys – it was Leo – said something inappropriate to Ms Kremens on the hockey pitch. He called her Hot Stuff.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLFBC63F6FHO3BAXK3K2I6FWXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006608},"content":"I actually laugh. I’m there, “Yeah, no, he’s the romantic one.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FBUUBMWR7VGDVOHQXK3TXJYP64","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006609},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, I am <i>so</i> sorry!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CO27NJEGLJH4TFS3JLC6KAC3AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006610},"content":"Her old man’s there, “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E3PEAM4KVNAXVISCZXREDZHZNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006611},"content":"I’m like, “Seriously? Am I the only one who thinks this is possibly an overreaction?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LNP4K4CGMVH7LNNQYR3VQAZVIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006612},"content":"Mr Schwarzenbeck goes, “We do not encourage the children to speak to the staff in this way. It is not appropriate.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TYCG3HWNABF4ZHWU4ZGQU7T3QY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006613},"content":"Sorcha turns on me then. She’s like, “Hot Stuff? That’s something he’s heard <i>you</i> say.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"64HGLJKW3RFUZBZGHJG7M3JUSU","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q6RP24KUSVGTHKPZXZMSP3MERA"},"content":"‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"RKM4W6HAP5GQXOYUNH576RXXZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006614},"content":"And maybe it’s because I’m suddenly getting all this hostility, but I end up going, “Well, maybe we’ll stop sending our kids to your school then – if you think that their behaviour is <i>so</i> inappropriate.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QFJQW53XSFBRNGH2RYORQMCPSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006615},"content":"I don’t know what I’m expecting Mr Schwarzenbeck to say, but his face suddenly bursts into a smile. He goes, “Okay, then! <i>Gut</i>!” and he turns and walks away.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JDTSTNCINBE7ZEKRNQ3F7BXIPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006616},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear storts going, “Herbert! Herbert!” because, like I said, they go back years. But the dude isn’t dumb enough to look back.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5EZCKX7V6VBFVGCFMHK4R7P7MM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006617},"content":"Sorcha’s old man goes, “Well, good luck finding a new school for them between now and September.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CGJROZKORZELDJS4RAFY6AX4CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718615006618},"content":"“Oh my God, Ross,” Sorcha – not for the first time in our marriage – goes. “What have you done?”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"We can’t help what we dream about. 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We’re talking pancetta, cheddar and mango croquettes. We’re talking watermelon and chilli halloumi skewers. We’re taking brown butter boxty blinis. I haven’t seen anything like it since the time Sorcha invited all of her friends around to watch the wedding of Harry and Meghan or the time Sorcha invited all of her friends around to watch the wedding of William and Kate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PTGHB5OJ3JAQDGN6EV7YVGZZRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157593},"content":"“The fock is this?” I go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZARPDHBZIJDUTGX7X45YSP2DYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157594},"content":"And Sorcha’s like, “I told you! I’m hosting an end-of-term lunch for the other Mount Anville moms!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SQPFAIPO7VGE3L6N3OHSKMBH5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157595},"content":"I honestly don’t remember. But then I’m not much of a listener. 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Let’s just say that one or two of them had the pleasure of my company back in the day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y64VQ63XPNHHREQ4COZRCVMUGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157607},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Honor, I thought that you – as Head Girl of Mount Anville for next year – might like to meet some of the moms.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMSYVCL2WVGM5EYRHANHDZCX5E","additional_properties":{"_id":"A2QD6FPBGJBANKDYTMRBBT6XGQ"},"content":"‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IEEVRKNXSJDMLOAL535LFVEFOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157608},"content":"Honor’s like, “I know them all. 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You as Head Girl. Yes, you had your fun. Now it’s time to get real.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XS7OITAQKVGJNGTN2KCS7O2SFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157616},"content":"Honor goes, “Er, I won the <i>election</i>? Fair and <i>square</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K7OQM24Z2NFHZHX7KK3RP5EF5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157617},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Yes – and we don’t want anything that’s said in this kitchen to shatter your faith in the democratic process, do we, Helen?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O37ALH6EQZA7DOL4ZN4JQ4E5QY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157618},"content":"Helen ignores her. She goes, “As a group, Honor, we are not without means. 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And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FY2IB54IC5FYLFAHZ37KUTIVW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157622},"content":"Honor goes, “When you say an <i>incentive</i>–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4HF6YO7F5CYBHUGLBVNANOOKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157623},"content":"It’s Orlaith Stapleton who says it. She’s like, “€50,000″.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2XE2I7HEBVHSLKMZ3TBTMYK77Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157624},"content":"Sorcha’s eyes spin like two Magic 8 Balls.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTQWDB25GZHLNJVA27CWMWHDVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157625},"content":"She’s like, “€50,000?” because Honor hasn’t had her mitts on that kind of money since her Confirmation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WNYDRF6ZONFLBBN7F5B7T7ZFX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157626},"content":"“Fifty-thousand euros,” Orlaith goes. “And all you have to do, Honor, is say that, upon reflection, you no longer wish to take up the role and then urge the girls to give their support to Liesel.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AWMEOIVTTRDW7OPM454R77RXF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157627},"content":"As in, like, her <i>daughter</i> Liesel.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5CBSIXUT6VDVHH3WR67G5LNYKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157628},"content":"Honor’s like, “€50,000,” sounding unimpressed – like it’s 2006 all over again. “Is that all?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RPXWABGS5NEUNBAB6PZD7UM2YQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"6BQXJVRFHVAGXAWBMGOXKSOS5I"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XGCJDVFRIRGJDLTVDKA4K6CWPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157629},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Honor, that’s enough to put you through college.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SLCENESXFZH7XIJLK4YGM74NTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157630},"content":"And Honor – not unreasonably – goes, “Er, <i>you’re</i> going to put me through college – one way or the other.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTTWIV6GFA2RPJWAYGWYTSMXY","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157631},"content":"Mallorie Kennedy goes, “€70,000,” throwing twenty K’s of her own money on to the pile.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UCEW745E5DF5AADIAEG57EEHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157632},"content":"Again, Honor doesn’t react the way they’re <i>expecting</i> her to? She looks at her old dear and goes, “You should be ashamed of yourself.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TNK6KJTCCRDJTGSUSAFYCV7YXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157633},"content":"Sorcha looks away.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5RBIR4Q2QRE5DIBWQIOFVUFMSA","additional_properties":{"_id":"3VKMFJLMKBGTTNPY46L5J5OICQ"},"content":"Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. 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Everyone has their price. A hundred grand is the going rate for pretty much everything in this port of the world. But no, Honor holds firm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AXUXICNORRGGLJXD36G6VPCAHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157639},"content":"She goes, “Look at me!” talking to her old dear. “Look me in the eye!” which – reluctantly – Sorcha then <i>does</i>? “Shame on you! Shame on you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CXD4JE565BBY5IAZO7UDZH7Q54","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157640},"content":"Honor turns on her heel and sort of, like, flounces out of the room.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EE5LRQ44YBFWPBRHXMSCODTLMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157641},"content":"I’m there, “I agree. Shame on all of you. Although, Mallorie, it’s nice to see you again. 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She’s lying on her bed – on her phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASBYJEGLIJGXPOL26BLIAVJGPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157644},"content":"I’m there, “Honor, I’m so proud of you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LYLKL2ON4NAA5GNFPINTPZZJPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157645},"content":"She goes, “Granddad told me that they’d try to buy the election.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XIV3OJD7GVFDTF5T7WGK7REY5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157646},"content":"I’m like, “But to turn down all that money – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AWZNG4CF3NB7XMTO6C2YIILIFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157647},"content":"“I didn’t turn down sh*t,” she goes. “Grandad said that whatever they offered, he’d match it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WEQOQMQCU5GWDLM3ZJDM6LWKWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1718007157648},"content":"There are days when I’m proud to say that I’m an O’Carroll-Kelly.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Whiff of corruption hangs in air as Sorcha hosts ‘end-of-term lunch’ for Mount Anville moms"},"display_date":"2024-06-15T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. 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I’m still feeling emotional about the entire business.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BOF5S3GA5AOFA4Q53FVNSIUQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355008},"content":"She walks closer to me and goes, “Oh my God, please tell me this isn’t real,” the exact same thing I said when Matthis Lebel scored his try in extra time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PHAM4XHSTFDNRCD5PJF6CGDY6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355009},"content":"I’m there, “Er, yeah, no, it’s real, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TF2R5CQG5FHPLNA4NO545WITFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355010},"content":"She goes, “Get rid of it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWJX5JWRZZEX3HVL42PJOLC6PE","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355011},"content":"“Look, I admit it, I possibly jinxed us. But I still believe in this group of players. And who’s to say they won’t win it next year?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2C4YZFJJVCAXJ5RYABFPPXNFU","additional_properties":{"_id":"KP3TILMU5ZDHNLQ2UOHMNJDJOA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SUHXEXHTLJHYHJAGM4WNLAV6IE","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355012},"content":"“I can’t believe you would do something so stupid.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6BZQH5GOANEMFESGZJJBBHRURY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355013},"content":"“Sorcha, it’s not like they’re <i>never</i> going to win a fifth European Cup. That’s like saying Ireland are never going to get beyond the quarter-finals of the World Cup. It’ll happen one day. The important thing is that I’ll be fully ready when it does.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NVEQCQYRDRBCXDUYV4BIZUBEH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355014},"content":"She goes, “We didn’t discuss you getting a tattoo,” and that’s when I realise that her issue isn’t the <i>number</i> of stors on my chest as much as the fact that there are any at all.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VOHHBWU75RD27I23JSIG3DBJWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355015},"content":"I did wonder because the girl knows fock-all about rugby.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CJA7N6IMPVGMTPKFYJT2ODWZBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355016},"content":"I’m there, “Why would we need to discuss it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GFRLGL2RFZAPTLFDIT2ZGIQSOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355017},"content":"She’s like, “<i>Excuse</i> me?” narrowing her eyes in a way I find genuinely terrifying.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XTVTB6CIXFCAFKROHWWU4RCFEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355018},"content":"“I’m just saying that you get, like, Botox all the time. I don’t remember you ever coming to me for permission.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4ABECF2YBAKRARSMBSW6CRR4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355019},"content":"“That’s not the same thing, Ross.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"COWHPT26RVDTRAQDFEIEQBNQAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355020},"content":"“And you got those invisible braces on your teeth, remember? Was I consulted?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GTUHCHXVVVATNFUBFE7ER5VBGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355021},"content":"“Again, it’s different. You <i>know </i>how much I hate tattoos?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RNRT657Z3JCFPG5OY5CQIFG3Y4","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355022},"content":"The next thing I know – oh, for fock’s sake – her old man has stepped out into the gorden, going, “What’s all the shouting about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3MZ5QKR5AZCGRHJ6ZEZHNKZJDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355023},"content":"I automatically tighten my muscles to make sure the old abs and pecs look their best.","type":"text"},{"_id":"35YYFTDZZFBQVAL4U2FFEED3WY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355024},"content":"He goes, “Why has <i>he</i> got five stors on his chest?” because he knows even less about rugby than his daughter and he’s not even ashamed of the fact.","type":"text"},{"_id":"42EOHSXJTZCBNEECXZVK534HKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355025},"content":"I’m there, “They’re to mork the four European Cups that Leinster have one – plus the one they’re going to hopefully win next year.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FC7GVPC3VJBNFMBPVQUPSMZWSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717500817756},"content":"He just, like, glowers at me. Then he goes, “Did you sign off on this, Dorling?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RY6TNQ4RXNF2HCRLQIX57O4XFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355027},"content":"Sorcha goes, “It wasn’t even discussed. He just went ahead and got it done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UPVJ2AOEWVA6XC2OSG2NDOMA7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355028},"content":"I’m there, “What, like you check in with me every time you decide to change, I don’t know, your hairstyle?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"42NYUHSQJJHCVGDB4WYRTLBKUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355029},"content":"She’s like, “Again – different.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LTKO6PTZQNFMTFSKWHB4XTAQO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355030},"content":"He goes, “I hate to say, ‘I told you so,’ Sorcha, but the fact is I did. Even as I was walking you up the aisle.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y7TTKEONANFEBOPZ3JSRUATXH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355031},"content":"Ten seconds later – seriously? – Sorcha’s old dear steps out into the gorden, going, “What’s going on? You know they’re talking about Ross on the Dalkey Open–?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XMDIOG3SUBHQTJJECCU2GQ6GUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355032},"content":"The sight of me stripped to the waist pulls her up short. I’ve been absolutely caning it in the gym, in fairness to me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YT6E24J3QNC6ZLGMKZ6OVNHTZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355033},"content":"She can’t help herself. She goes, “Oh my!” and she’s all – I want to say – <i>aflutter</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"P7UQKWWDKVEW5ABJQOFX433SQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355034},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Ross got a tattoo, Mom – without even <i>telling</i> me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GAPERM7PYVEI3AQV4KJW3AO2W4","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355035},"content":"I’m there, “It’s not a major deal, Sorcha. Do you know what other men my age are doing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6QVKXLD7WJARZKE2GSABYBP6BI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355036},"content":"Sorcha goes, “I don’t care about other men.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KX64CWGDSRCMPCCUCBVLWVPUNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355037},"content":"I tell her anyway.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWGVMYC2RVF27NURP4FDQ4SK3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355038},"content":"I’m there, “Musky Grennan, for instance – who did the SportsManDip course with me in UCD – his wife gave him a Free Pass for his 40th.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7M4NT67ZFZECRNMY3QBS4IIGJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355039},"content":"Sorcha’s old dear goes, “What’s a Free Pass?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OHANR4CMDBATNB2CMPA46EBSVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355040},"content":"She’s a minister for the Eucharist, bear in mind.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J3QS2HESPNFEPDIFVNJFIOWAZA","additional_properties":{"_id":"EJDNTES6QFEFDGPWDMGXFSK3TY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"T26745SBA5EKNPAVG2N65EM2TY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355041},"content":"I’m there, “A Free Pass means he has her full permission to sleep with someone else – we’re talking One Night Only – with no questions asked.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K6XWLSPB5ZEZPJX3PJOISWIRD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355042},"content":"Sorcha’s old man goes, “<i>You’ve</i> enjoyed that privilege for the entire duration of your marriage,” because he’s incapable of letting bygones be bygones.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O6AWOZ5LYVDLJGUXBOCJJ7XNZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355043},"content":"Her old dear goes, “What do those stors even mean?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLAYUHB4TZCHLE5AW6TJG6BROQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355044},"content":"An entire family of people who know fock-all about rugby. They’re more to be pitied than anything.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JW5H5BTHCND7VJRFCKFCL3KHDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355045},"content":"Sorcha goes, “I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4N2VYO2EVBHC5NS45DU2HRLH6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355046},"content":"I’m there, “When you say it – can I just double-check? – are we talking about the fifth stor or are we talking about–?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LV2Y4S64ZRHJLAD7OWO6XMIL4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355047},"content":"She goes, “I’m talking about the whole thing, Ross!” and she pretty much roars the words at me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HAN3FMO55D7RISB5XNS5FG2PQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355048},"content":"Her old man goes, “That utterly ridiculous game. It’s nothing more than an excuse for a lifetime of adolescence.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KP7EKASI5FBDHOCFMBHVKWQWJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355049},"content":"And that ends up being the line that gasses my canary.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IKVQLX4ZQNAVBMLKEVOIAY7T6U","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355050},"content":"“No,” I suddenly hear myself go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NYI2G4IVWRCHZPHNP676CDXAIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355051},"content":"Sorcha’s like, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AXOXEIIWWFEF7B6SO3TL6V3B5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355052},"content":"I’m there, “As in, no, I’m not getting it removed Sorcha. Because I happen to think it looks fantastic on me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3V2PTSVVSJHHTLQ72GQRF2OEOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355053},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Ross, you are <i>getting</i> it removed.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3LIZZVLMCJFXLPVQAECRVI3W3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1717492355054},"content":"And I’m there, “That’s where you’re wrong, Sorcha. I’m keeping the tattoo – we’re talking all five stors. You’re just going to have to get used to looking at it,” then I sort of, like, flex my pecs, just to give her old dear a thrill, and I re-stort the lawnmower.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Sorcha is furious when she discovers that Ross got a tattoo in homage to Leinster’s European Cup achievements"},"display_date":"2024-06-08T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I want it gone, Ross. I want you to get it lasered off’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GAVQWXNYOVA4HCA2LQCXKP4ZLI","auth":{"1":"21fc962ba47da37fc1a8584083a789efe72a9694fd2fe9ee61be8e82b3d48284"},"focal_point":{"x":1093,"y":1103},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GAVQWXNYOVA4HCA2LQCXKP4ZLI.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":383.14,"episodeTitle":"Sorcha is furious when she discovers that Ross got a tattoo in homage to Leinster","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/666308db7ff0400012bbf45c.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/i-want-it-gone-ross-i-want-you-to-get-it-lasered-off/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"H22BD5WFGNBAFMEBLW6VFHGW2A","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/honor-and-liesel-are-both-smiling-and-its-like-driving-towards-a-cor-with-its-lights-on-full-beam-i-end-up-having-to-turn-away/","content_elements":[{"_id":"JQOIYVLH3RE2BAI5DUI2MZQ74U","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243302},"content":"The school concert hall is absolutely rammers this afternoon. We’re talking, like, 1,000 students and parents crammed between the walls to hear the result of the election for Mount Anville Head Girl for 2024-2025 and I haven’t seen Honor looking so pleased with herself since the time she swapped her old dear’s hair conditioning mask for Veet.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z5NIIQ6FWBA5FGZJQKQERF7ZZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243303},"content":"I’m there, “You seem confident.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MPTAKLMB2RCXBGQPUVAE4U4KCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243304},"content":"And she goes, “Granddad says I have it in the bag.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DCRQQWXV4ZG4VBAZ47C2LVELFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243305},"content":"The old man is – yeah, no – working the room. He’s walking around, shaking hands with people and you can see them checking their jewellery afterwards, such is his reputation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UTNVEKXYMVDAVABNOHW4K6AYHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243306},"content":"Sorcha goes, “If you do lose, Honor – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WBAXNDL33BEFHFD74RRW6CN5PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243307},"content":"But Honor’s like, “I’m not going to lose.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BOUSYOXVXRFK7HJSWMPHLHBX5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243308},"content":"“<i>If</i> you lose,” Sorcha goes, “I hope you’ll have learned the lesson that honesty and civility still have a place in politics – even if the world is falling down around our ears.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZQS65SHXJHVLCHT4PDCN3D5JA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243309},"content":"Honor’s like, “Yeah, thanks for that, Hillary Clinton,” then off she goes for a last-minute briefing with my old man.","type":"text"},{"_id":"M27VEPUPMJFGBCJLP5HGPXWJTA","additional_properties":{"_id":"QZLXT7KI7RBRFDFYZR5DNV6QGI"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"UO2SDPP2FJB7NPG6W6YUCHMKOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243310},"content":"“Don’t worry,” Sorcha goes, putting her hand in mine. “She’s not going to win. The unofficial polling – based on soundings I’ve taken from the other moms – has Liesel Stapleton heading for a landslide. Let’s just say that the dirty tricks your dad used in forcing Sincerity Matthews out of the race have not gone down well with the vast majority of the parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UAGZMLWDK5BQROSPMM3IXOQEPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243311},"content":"Miss Fosbury-Joyce, who’s going to be in chorge of the sixth years next year, steps up to the mic and asks the candidates for the position of Head Girl to join her on the stage, which they do.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VEEHL4EBC5GWHPECHODWSLMCDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243312},"content":"Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW4XO563AZBSNAHEZ5FFOXRWJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243313},"content":"“The ballots have been counted,” Miss Fosbury-Joyce goes, “and I can now declare the results in the election for our Head Girl for 2024-2025. Liesel Stapleton – 794 votes,” and there are, like, gasps in the concert hall. “Honor O’Carroll-Kelly – 58 votes. So I can declare that Liesel Stapleton is the winner!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PSWHTJ6QJVD6VC7HYHBFZ7D53I","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243314},"content":"There’s, like, a machine-gun burst of applause, although I think it’s basically an outpouring of relief that our daughter won’t be representing the students of this school next year. I look at Sorcha and I can’t help but notice the smug grin on her face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXPDCKJT2RG6NMJIQI5KV46CJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243315},"content":"Liesel is like Alexandra Burke when she won The X Factor. She’s like, “Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!” and she drops to her knees with her hands over her face, while four or five of her friends rush the stage to congratulate her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7FZC3PCUFBD3J3AQ62ZXMAFTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243316},"content":"Sorcha goes, “I hope this will be a fork-in-the-road moment for Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NKZZNKTA3FFEFP3OFIZKT35VLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243317},"content":"But I’m looking at her standing there on the stage and she doesn’t seem <i>too</i> upset?","type":"text"},{"_id":"S6LWYZC3BNGK5GAP6WCLAC5OFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243318},"content":"Liesel suddenly has the mic in her hand and she’s going, “Thank you – oh my God – <i>so </i>much! This is, like, a dream come <i>true</i>? It was the late, great Madeleine Sophie Barat who said – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LQGQIWNPYNFOPPLZXKNNHNCBLA","additional_properties":{"_id":"KVAPMQFSQJDGTFVB7ERHXFSFL4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XPDU3AWUHNCOHOK2GQOBEUKTLY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243319},"content":"And that’s when I hear the old man’s voice – like a loud rumble of thunder – go, “Not ... so ... fast!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PEFAZPLWWFBTLAVWGHFBILLNDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243320},"content":"I turn around and the dude is on his feet and there’s suddenly an air of tension in the room. I haven’t seen the teachers look this nervous since the old man went to the High Court to appeal the results of Honor’s Junior Cert mocks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2A6U5TXENFDB3OWYRL5J4YX3OU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243321},"content":"He walks to the front of the hall with his thumbs in his ormpits, like I’ve seen Hennessy do in court. Then he goes, “Do these results include the results from the postal vote?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJ6EITZ4XFCDDMNWUTR6UHHENE","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243322},"content":"Everyone’s like, “Postal vote? The fock is he on about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JVDX5BDPRVBNHF26S4MRNB5CJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243323},"content":"He goes, “You do know that, under the rules of the contest, drawn up by Arthur Cox back in the year nineteen-hundred-and-thirty-seven, past-pupils of the school are permitted to vote.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QDAL2UCTXVE3TKOBFLFLKWSJHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243324},"content":"I can see all the teachers and parents looking at each other. Miss Fosbury-Joyce is, like, red in the face. She goes, “We don’t usually count postal votes. We don’t often receive them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4ZW3CPXLBFAHAQA23BGEWLU34","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243325},"content":"The old man’s there, “You don’t <i>often</i> receive them?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VETPJPFI4JGNHJDTXEOOYQB6SQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243326},"content":"“No.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7H7JN4J25NBAFCP6CVUSZ7PAFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243327},"content":"“What about this year?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZJWBAPFL3VHU5DCKFBR55TAICA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243328},"content":"“I beg your pordon?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TXXCVVSVNRFYVI2NM4RBSOZDQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243329},"content":"“Are you finding it difficult to hear me, Miss Fosbury-Joyce? Would you prefer to continue this conversation in a room with better acoustics? One on Inns Quay, perhaps?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R3OR5PEF75BODIPXTQU2TGH22A","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243330},"content":"The poor woman suddenly turns to jelly. She’s there, “W ... w ... we did, yes. We received s ... s ... s ... some postal votes, yes.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JKXVPKPJ25AALOXKUBU7QXOTDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243331},"content":"There’s, like, mutters throughout the hall.","type":"text"},{"_id":"M7T5Z6ZYXZDP3AZYIOROIVD4TA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243332},"content":"He goes, “How many?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOLNOK2DEJGEHLZ6PNX3NNAA2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243333},"content":"She’s like, “I would say substantially more than usual.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A3AN6H2NMFG6HPF6U2XQJQNI5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243334},"content":"“<i>Substantially</i> more?” he goes. “Enough to sway the contest, would you think?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S6XUQKVXNJCLLAFQH6EWAK2G2A","additional_properties":{"_id":"KSNXJPXOUNAS3C6LVXUDYP2QNY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"6RRYWHCLMBHIRFSDCJTR2CE6PI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243335},"content":"She’s like, “I can’t say,” and then she looks across at Sr Belina, the Head of Electoral Oversight, for a dig-out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OFQ3DBD4LVEVNIXSFZWWJBCKLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243336},"content":"Sr Belina stands up and goes, “I had absolutely no idea that postal votes by past pupils were part of the process of electing a Head Girl.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M5OYBY2NAVAMDNTYSMPRFAPHSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243337},"content":"“Well, you know now!” the old man roars. “From one who’s read rules and can quote them to you verbatim! I suggest you go and count those votes! Otherwise, I shall have to seek an interlocutory injunction like I did to overturn the result of the egg-and-spoon race at the 2019 sports day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZAA2KOFKRGG7GBM6OXNR2HWZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243338},"content":"I forgot about that one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XWSNARIMNFGKJPPVFOUQQPUU44","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243339},"content":"Miss Fosbury-Joyce and Sr Belina leave the room together and there ends up being absolute pandemonium in the hall. There’s a lot of parents telling the old man that he’s an absolute disgrace for bringing the law into this, while Sorcha goes, “He’s dragged us all into the gutter with him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZWLDIRU5WNFEZNYRFOMESE6ASI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243340},"content":"This whole time, by the way, Honor is standing on the stage, with the kind of grin on her face that infuriates people. In fact, it’s not long before the slow handclap storts, along with chants of, “Cheat! Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCOWUJR6IZBY3NSFZWJYCJ5INM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243341},"content":"Eventually, Miss Fosbury-Joyce and Sr Belina return. Miss Fosbury-Joyce steps up on to the stage, grabs the mic and goes, “The result of the recount in the election for our Head Girl for 2024-2025. Liesel Stapleton – 794 votes. Honor O’Carroll-Kelly,” and then she pauses for, like, five seconds, before going, “6,155 votes.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IN66PXAMDNDIPL26N6YONH3J44","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243342},"content":"There’s, like, gasps from the crowd. Liesel’s old man is straight on his feet, going, “That’s not fair! Liesel won the popular vote!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"25UVQKISRVAPXDIUAA5A4JJK2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243343},"content":"Honor turns to Liesel and goes, “See you next year – loser!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q4NJRX2UI5EJRDFUH3CDFOLQFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716800243344},"content":"And Sorcha’s like, “Oh my God, Ross. What has your dad created?”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The results are about to be announced in the election for Head Girl of Mount Anville"},"display_date":"2024-06-01T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. 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And like many ideas that come to me when I’ve had a skinful, I can’t believe that I haven’t thought of it before.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NIDGUQQC7NGZDFKDT5TJ2LEZCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153115},"content":"I’m there, “Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XTW67QVYHRGDLNVCSC6ZPKINXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153116},"content":"Yeah, no, it’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster through thick and – sometimes – thin, and suddenly it seems like <i>the</i> most logical thing in the <i>world</i> to do?","type":"text"},{"_id":"LV6VYMK7ZJA2JP6X7HX6C6EHHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153117},"content":"“Matter of fact,” I go, “I can’t believe I’ve waited this long to do it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G6GQ7HP2PBACLE7AO33GEFNXNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153118},"content":"The goys are instantly concerned about me. I’ve said enough about tattoos and the people who get them over the years for them to wonder whether this is down to drink rather than too much love for The Ster.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2K2663LH5CRFLB5NUXYACM4OI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153119},"content":"JP even suggests ringing Sorcha to float the idea by her, but I’m already Googling nearby tattoo porlours on my phone, and twenty minutes later, I’m climbing two sets of stairs to Tat’s Entertainment on Shaftesbury Avenue, above a Chinese restaurant with ducks turning on a spit in the window.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWQQXGBLT5B6POS6K6IAO3B3WA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153120},"content":"The goys are all still pleading with me. Oisinn’s going, “Ross, I’m just saying you might regret it when you wake up tomorrow.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NGEAC3JFUFEFLDE2K4MCIJZNY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153121},"content":"But they all played rugby with me and they know better than to try to talk me around when I’m decided on a gameplan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VYMZY2WDYJHJRKTZOE543JAZ5A","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153122},"content":"The tattoo ortist is called Lu and she’s – and I hope this doesn’t get me cancelled – <i>Chinese</i>? She asks me what I want as I dock my orse in her chair and I go, “It’s very simple. You see these four yellow stors here on my Leinster jersey?” and I stort taking the thing off over my head. “I want them put here,” pointing to the left side of my chest just above my nipple.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TVEJDFZAIVFEZMG2AW6SGDJ6N4","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153123},"content":"She’s like, “Just stars?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ELTVF4ACQFETJI7CIQ5L7V5GQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153124},"content":"And I’m there, “Yeah, no, one for each of the European Cups that Leinster have won”, and I can feel myself tearing up saying it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47DM6NMAQ5FAVJGJBEK2S4TO5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153125},"content":"Christian goes, “Ross, I just know that Sorcha is going to ask me why I didn’t stop you doing this”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KZYETWTNENHE5BA5HGXR5XHBOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153126},"content":"And I’m there, “Sorcha is going to love it. Matter of fact, her birthday is coming up. Be a nice early present for her. Aaarrrggghhh!!!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AUINOIGMTVBBHDEM4KQXQWZSVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153127},"content":"Yeah, no, the needle hurts, even with seven or eight pints onboard. Lu asks me if I want her to stop, but I go, “Just ignore me. I have a very low tolerance for pain.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDQO5WMTOBAJTKRTGUXBGEEPJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153128},"content":"“And embarrassment,” Fionn – under his breath – goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G2VD346I7FEIBCS2IE3IP2OV4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153129},"content":"But I blank out the voices of the haters and the doubters as I watch the first stor take shape in the mirror.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A37KPJD7CBBMBMNAR5DFA3NXKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716472314574},"content":"“Leinster versus Leicester in Edinburgh, 2009,” I go. “The economy was in the toilet and I’d just storted working – <i>working!</i> – for Shred Focking Everything, my old man’s document disposal business. I mean, the idea of it now! Anyway, we were losing, like, 16-9 when Heaslip came up with a try and then Johnny won it for us with a penalty. Rocky Elsom was immense that day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K773HXYMTNBAVEXZ4TEL664RMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153131},"content":"Lu doesn’t comment on any of this. Again, she’s Chinese and it’s quite possible that rugby does nothing for her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FHBNCIWC75GTZEYX2N7H7KI5CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153132},"content":"I’m there, “Immense. Arghhh!!! Jesus, that needle’s shorp, in fairness to it!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GAPTHWR7YRGJTGUER3OG2OEGRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153133},"content":"She moves onto the second one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KFIROLVUINBVTIPM7KRV2T3BWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153134},"content":"I’m there, “Northampton in Cordiff. The famous miracle match of 2011. The greatest comeback ever. We were <i>supposably</i> dead and buried at half-time. These dudes here wanted to head for the airport. But I gave them a similar bollocking to the one Johnny gave the players in the dressing room. The best day of my – ouch! – life and I’m including my wedding day and the birth of my children in that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KICXZEKLVJH43KGZE5TPTNQ2VM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153135},"content":"None of the goys can look me in the eye. They genuinely did want to fock off until Johnny turned them from leavers into believers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LUECGWYFJJFT5HDQ7WZUIMZSVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153136},"content":"“Number three,” I go, as Lu moves across my chest. “Ulster at Twickers the following year. Was easy in the end. Except I somehow ended up with tickets for the Ulster section and their fans made me take my Leinster jersey off. I didn’t mind – I was seriously ripped in those days and bench-pressing something ridiculous – except it was a freezing cold day. You could have hung a wet trench coat from my nipples when Leo Cullen and Shane Jennings lifted the old tinware at the end.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XBAJASQP5D7RD5EOB4XNSICPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153137},"content":"In the mirror, I can see the goys smiling at the memory now.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HKLAUYCVAFAFDD5F6UNQIYDX7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153138},"content":"“Ah, the fourth one,” I go. “It was 2018. We beat Racing in a country called Bilbao.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NI5A3IKDFFAC5PNZ4JFODTQRFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153139},"content":"Fionn goes, “It’s a city, Ross, not a country.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TXYWYPRBVGWVB7CPOJWUKDOEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153140},"content":"I’m there, “Are you sure about that?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BGX5MVMWYFCABKYURQB5VH6JNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153141},"content":"He’s like, “Yes, Ross, I’m sure.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5JUUN25TU5HGPPVYB4UZ3NAUTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153142},"content":"So we agree to differ.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H4NKPHHYCBB2BH3ZOE5CKAB53Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153143},"content":"I’m there, “I didn’t enjoy a single second of it. Yeah, no, it was too tense to feel any joy until it was all over. It was, like, a kicking contest and we were never ahead until right at the end. Isa kicked two penalties in the last six minutes and we sneaked it. I’ve never felt – whoa, go easy there! – relief like it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YTB27P2YSJBPZORKINXJO5QR4I","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153144},"content":"She finishes the fourth one and goes, “All done,” and I’m staring at my reflection in the mirror, admiring her handiwork and – again – feeling a bit emotional.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DXKMNXFEXRHR5HFZMPWSR3SNSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153145},"content":"“So”, I go, “are you open tomorrow?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DF6X3BNXHRDY3N3R577JTV4ODI","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153146},"content":"She’s like, “No – closed on Sunday.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y327SYIW3ZFAFN66IJ3NUVS3AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153147},"content":"The goys know what I’m going to say before I even say it. Christian’s like, “Ross, don’t do it”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BI5PCCKBQBDW3NTG43RDDEGFLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153148},"content":"But I’m like, “Put a fifth one there, will you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO3MPVGZFVCFLJ7XTRZYDV2ZCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153149},"content":"She goes, “A fifth?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LJBDMX6ATJC25OXJGLWGUGUN5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153150},"content":"And I’m there, “Beside the others, yeah.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DX5TNLDVRBDBBBWXHGV3YFXC2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153151},"content":"JP goes, “Dude, what are you doing? You’re going to focking jinx it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KW2KJWWYRBC5P73YC7XZ6EEQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153152},"content":"I’m like, “I don’t believe in jinxes. I believe in Leinster. So I’m going for it. Do your worst, Lu.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BHKXUX6P7VAXBNHUGEAILWGJJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153153},"content":"So she goes back to work while I watch the goys roll their eyes and shake their heads in the mirror.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BDC3BAQNEJDHTN5VDDDWZ4EGEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153154},"content":"Christian goes, “This is why other fans hate us. It’s arrogance.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YFMLFVE7JFB4RG3NBF2HCSTFKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153155},"content":"Fionn’s there, “It’s entitlement,” pretending that he didn’t go to a private school that chorged €12,000 a term.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TUINHOZUYZGVDDROGCQEYGMKDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1716209153156},"content":"“Number five,” I go. “Twenty-twenty-four. Toulouse at the, I don’t know, Something Something Soccer Stadium in London. Two words for you, goys. Never. In. 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This being Killiney, the driver refuses to put two wheels up on the path to let me by, so I do my usual trick of winding down the window and going, “There’s a focking reason it’s called an off-roader, you know?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SBKXSCT4MNHSRHLQGBNTPYGOWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137385},"content":"You can probably imagine my surprise when I discover that the driver is – quite literally – my wife.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WJJQPAH2MJBEPBK7VFZMMLPB54","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137386},"content":"Luckily, she either hasn’t heard me or has something more important on her mind, because she has, like, tears streaming down her face?","type":"text"},{"_id":"PZCDOSD2S5HHFJDYO4CKVQ2NUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137387},"content":"I’m there, “What’s going on, Sorcha – as in, like, what the fock?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B252C6USSNB3RISYZJ2HOD7BFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137388},"content":"She goes, “Someone has put up a poster of our daughter on Foster Avenue.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MC66TVP5B5HMNDLBZU3HEHDVZE","additional_properties":{"_id":"UWBNEBLSLNBIDJ5BWO7TOEZBHM"},"content":"Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ZN7DYIGZNFCAJHQUK5RLJ37AKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137389},"content":"I’m there, “What kind of poster?” except she doesn’t answer me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FGGV3Q7JTBFZRNIJAX4UYB6SJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137390},"content":"She goes, “Ross, just follow me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MTUJC5PWBBQLJBTTVCBMXMCTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137391},"content":"Which is what I end up doing, even though she ends up losing me when she drives through a traffic light in Cornelscourt that was very, very red.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MHQVY665RG4FIABEI7DAKBOHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"4N4AVPO225ASDHPLJTYZHLUE6Y"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"72CUAW77JNCKNNR4YHZJZWPAJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137392},"content":"Eventually, I make it to Foster – like she said – Avenue, and I see her SUV porked up ahead of me. Sorcha is already out and she’s looking up a lamppost at what, from a distance, looks like an election poster. It’s only when I get closer that I realise it’s a photograph of Honor wresting a shopping trolley from the Dodder as port of her community service. The photograph has been blown-up – and then, in big letters above it, it’s like, “Head Girl Material?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZKRKS3HPIBCGNOVVYPIKZ2CU2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137393},"content":"I’m there, “Who the fock has done this?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJ3BSWBHJVCOXBO57QQYMNR3F4","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137394},"content":"She goes, “Never mind who’s done it. Let me up on your shoulders. I need to take it down.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZYMRJHFLNFE3VIRERZQV6II2KQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137395},"content":"So I get down on my honkers and she climbs up on my shoulders, and I get a sudden flashback to us at the first Oxegen festival in the summer of ‘04, when the Celtic Tiger was in full swing, I was knocking on the door of Lansdowne’s second team – and everything seemed possible.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U3ZGLRZNWBEM3CIOQZ4LPCYT2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137396},"content":"She goes, “Is this what politics has become, Ross?” as she tears the poster down. But then, from up on my shoulders, she sees more of the things up ahead. “There’s hundreds of them! They’re all the way up Foster Avenue!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BCBDLJDJ3RA5HH6CYZ5XVVO5KY","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137397},"content":"And that’s when I get the familiar smell of Montecristo smoke in my nostrils. I turn around and my old man is standing there.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BOSAGE75YVAVVGZRB6RUYPFIOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137398},"content":"“This is your fault,” Sorcha goes – still sitting on my shoulders, by the way. “Ross, let me down,” which I do. “My fault?” the old man goes, acting the total idiot. “What on earth are you talking about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XH2PMAGPNGF7FO4K27JJQ7YFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137400},"content":"She’s like, “I’m talking about you, Chorles, bringing down the tone of the campaign with your negative tactics. Oh, this is all such a long way from my famous One School, One Planet, One Vision speech, which not only won me the election for Head Girl, but united everyone in the school, including Alison Portnoy, who conceded before the last votes were even counted.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GPLH2PGEHZAWDAYQK3726B7LAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137401},"content":"The old man goes, “In case you haven’t been paying attention, Sorcha, politics has changed! You can’t just throw up a poster with the word ‘Hope’ on it any more and presume that people will vote for you!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OWH2V6VPWVCVPPIEBKR2XEONGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137402},"content":"She’s like, “Politics didn’t change, Chorles. People changed it. Which is why my daughter’s image is staring down from every lamppost in Mount Merrion like –”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IXIUZW3NXFGPTM6UJOXCDHSF4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137403},"content":"“Like Laura Bullion,” the old man goes, “the Rose of the Wild Bunch!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DV3D3MSO45BZZBXY6WETW7ZHYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137404},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Okay, I don’t even know who that is.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NTZP3NEY2RDL3BYCBXBJZZL34U","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137405},"content":"The old man goes, “I’ve a bloody good idea who’s done this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EVWTGZP4VNF2XG4EHGRSP2QBMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137406},"content":"I’m there, “I’m guessing Raymond Matthews,” as in the father of Sincerity Matthews, the favourite. “Doesn’t he own, like, a printing company?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GGE6S3IQ4RGUBJAVHE6MSX5R74","additional_properties":{"_id":"H54FC3ZBKJG7LAQRS2P6APMLRE"},"content":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"J53RVSURPFG4BHRGCLTQ2BBF5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137407},"content":"The old man goes, “I think it’s time I used some of the kompromat I’ve collected!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A3IFTRLYGBCQDKRFMUQHAVWGWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137408},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Oh my God, you have kompromat on Sincerity?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PY7ZWN2XEVG45AET2OHLMBG3C4","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137409},"content":"“Of course not!” the old man goes. “What do you take me for? No, I have kompromat on her father!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DC2K457QPBB4NMRSEA5TAGELKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137410},"content":"“Oh my God, Chorles, please tell me you’re joking.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPNKYP7M7BAKDA53EIDUY7DAZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137411},"content":"“Sorcha, my granddaughter asked me to run her campaign because she wants to win!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCJAGR2VCNEGHBBFAK5F622EJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137412},"content":"“But how did you actually get this kompromat?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MJ7CWPTEDVGW7OWLEZW6HMVZKE","additional_properties":{"_id":"Y67DXI55DRDRBEJC4YQY4HSSIM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"IYLPS76VPJDXDD5S2BNQWWVXLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137413},"content":"“I hired a private detective to find out anything worth knowing about the families and loved ones of Honor’s rival candidates! Don’t tell me the others didn’t do the same!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L3TVOYOZO5D3DLOOVRKM3GZABM","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137414},"content":"She goes, “I’m sure they didn’t, Chorles.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DG2UV5KTGZDLBCHB65LPMLAEGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137415},"content":"And he’s like, “Well, more fool them!” before he turns and makes his way back to his cor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZTVSGBNJWBGCVNYHYAWG47VTU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137416},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Come on, Ross, let’s get this done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMI77FY6LRDIFNIZ62XUAURFIM","additional_properties":{"_id":"TVCHTGEWOVEO7H75SCBGMPKAXI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"LVUVEAGCYVCLHFMFKQ46MBZ33Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137417},"content":"We spend the next three hours removing the posters from every lamppost on Foster Avenue, Mount Anville Road and Deerpork Road. Sorcha insists on staying up on my shoulders for the walk between each lamppost – “It’ll take too long if I have to keep getting up and down” – so it’s not long before I stort to feel it in my knees.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IA6REK7GHJFTRIWCLJVKA4CEJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137418},"content":"She goes, “I meant what I said, Ross. I blame your dad for dragging this campaign into the gutter by directing Honor to make personal attacks on the other candidates and also offering inducements to the other students to vote for her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"425BTHNWE5ESPFI2EG74VGL6J4","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137419},"content":"I’m there, “I think she said she’d bring them on a skiing holiday.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67ROYPRJUJC7XDPT6FDBJILAYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137420},"content":"She goes, “Well, if that’s what the contest to become Mount Anville Head Girl has become, then I weep for the future of the school that provided the world with Mary Robinson and, well, obviously, Alison Doody.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3JCUXP5VJZALBPOK6XMFRCJZZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137421},"content":"We’re just taking down the last of the posters – my knees are on the point of buckling – when my phone all of a sudden rings. I whip it out of my pocket and it ends up being Honor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KH7HGLA5BFFILP3IN6W3STIN7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137422},"content":"I’m there, “Honor, how the hell are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MKMAVXVNYNEVVFGXV6WTJB32F4","additional_properties":{"_id":"B6NLIRIQ5FH5XPUMZW4ZV3443Y"},"content":"‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"O2CSO4WUWFCDVCCIC4BDO4KGIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137423},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Ross, tell her that if it’s about the posters, she’s not to worry. And tell her that I hope this experience hasn’t damaged her belief in civility in politics.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CLOAH2K5CJCQXMPICP6EX2FHZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137424},"content":"I’m there, “Did you hear all of that, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IB4NH5I6EBG4HE5T5IVJ5MME6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137425},"content":"Honor goes, “Bits and pieces.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5FAN5E7CH5BLBGYOJASQXNZNK4","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137426},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, sorry – she’s up on my shoulders here. That’s why I’m out of breath, by the way.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4KUPPAPCNFYNDSGBDPTOB55RE","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137427},"content":"She goes, “Anyhooo, I’m just ringing to tell you the news.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HBSNHSJDZBH2LMSKSS56ZGSEWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137428},"content":"I’m like, “News? As in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XKPKCAMW4FEGPPUSPDLKI6HGHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1715597137429},"content":"“My granddad,” she goes, “is an – oh my God – actual genius? 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We’re here in the school concert hall to hear them outline their manifestos.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2OQVISGMRZG5HHRSIUSY3U6OWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167668},"content":"We’re both nervous wrecks. We have absolutely no idea what the Honor is going to say here – although that’s how it’s been since the girl spoke her very first word.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTUEZ7RQPVGCTK76HLH4SVIAIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167669},"content":"It was “focaccia” in case you’re wondering.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L6ECOGXIGJBCZB7HPREZHCHNHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167670},"content":"Sorcha goes, “What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5BKO767J5GGDLUMLLQZ7EY56Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167671},"content":"“Who’s the Trump candidate?” the old man goes, porking his orse on the empty seat on the other side of me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QFP5IC2BJVHBXG74DFZQD2DYSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167672},"content":"Yeah, no, he’s acting as Honor’s campaign manager, passing on the benefit of his experience of doing evil deeds for more than half a century.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ST372VG6LRFV7LPZARUI6A6VBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167673},"content":"I’m there, “That’s what they’re calling our daughter.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"63WJHCIDFZG35D24JJCEHBTTQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167674},"content":"“Well, they’re right,” he goes, “in the sense that she’s an outsider who’s determined to shake the political status quo.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OG7CFLIRH5FB3OY7J6E5GOZRL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167675},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Well, I just hope she doesn’t promise anything she can’t deliver.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O4D5COE3MRCEJJZIDPGX6TSAQA","additional_properties":{"_id":"NSH6F6RS55EZ7NOSSMQE636MPE"},"content":"Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"E32ILYV75VBL5HDGYHTOJVI7OA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167676},"content":"A hush descends on the concert hall then as the first of the candidates is introduced by Miss Fosbury-Joyce, who’s going to be her Year Head next year. She runs through Sincerity’s CV – captain of the Math Olympics team, third place in the Young Scientist of the Year competition, three-times Student of the Year, plus she storred as Sky Masterson in the gender-blind-casting version of <i>Goys and Dolls</i> that they put on with St Mary’s College last year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FVGJIIDRAZC3BMW5QQIO43PVUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167677},"content":"Sorcha goes, “All those achievements. Roz must be – oh my God – <i>so</i>, so proud of her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HMUSTMKV3BGMHKGO2ERHQBWVEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167678},"content":"Sincerity stands up and walks to the mic to a humungous round of applause.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4C3MMDK24JFF7FA3PDJQMHVTYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167679},"content":"She goes, “Ladies and gentlemen, teachers and fellow students, it’s an – oh my God – honour to stand here before you as a candidate for the role of Head Girl for the year 2024-25. I’d like to invite all of you, if I may, to reflect on the amazing, amazing experiences we’ve had during the course of our five-year academic journey together. One of the most important things I’ve learned here in Mount Anville is that the potential we hold within ourselves is as limitless as the opportunities that lie ahead of us.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y4S267O7HRCA5NQ6V72RABRHVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167680},"content":"That gets a round of applause – she definitely knows what buttons to press.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ZYUMHQ2PFFPBE3FJ6Z2D53HC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167681},"content":"“As we sit here today,” she goes, “on the cusp of our final year, I believe that I can play a vital role in helping my fellow students to bring that potential to its full fruition. Thank you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5XDL2UAFAVAYFLUQGJMPG3CV4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167682},"content":"Everyone claps. I notice one or two parents wiping away tears. Sorcha goes, “That was very strong.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J3FDPFUK6RHNHF35GTGT2AFMPU","additional_properties":{"_id":"3TLJ765K6BAW7PI5BYQ367VLEY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"MWNROXJIHRHORDQT4KBQTQPJIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167683},"content":"Next up is Liesel – captain of the hockey team that won the Leinster Schools Junior Cup, Miss Fosbury-Joyce reminds us, as well as Team Leader of the Saint Madeleine Sophie Barat Prayer Circle for two years in a row. Again, she gets a huge clap.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3TGIZDO3OVCK7FFX3Z4WKXEVPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167684},"content":"She goes, “I’d like to congratulate the previous speaker on an amazing, amazing speech. My fellow students, as we move forward into the next phase of our academic lives, it’s a good time for us to take stock of the values and lessons we’ve learned during our time in this school. The friendships we’ve made, the amazing, amazing teachers who’ve guided us, and the experiences that have made us the people we hopefully are today. These will always be a port of us. As Head Girl, I want to make our final year in this institute of learning about celebrating our accomplishments, cherishing the small moments, and looking forward to a bright future.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OP4PJZZDZNDEDIAFWCGEGCRSLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167685},"content":"The crowd goes ballistic with the applause. Sorcha turns to me and goes, “At least Honor knows what she’s up against now. I did warn her she was facing an impossible task.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M2U24ZYTPVFUPDSYWYRKTCQ4CE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167686},"content":"Miss Fosbury-Joyce introduces the final candidate. She takes a breath, ready to list her achievements, then notices that there aren’t any listed on her page of notes, so she goes, “Oh, well – just Honor O’Carroll-Kelly then.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWJQJ7DXSRDJRO6KRLOS3TKQKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167687},"content":"Sorcha goes, “At least she didn’t mention her criminal conviction.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJRIRMOHN5AKZGKZJG36ETVR6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167688},"content":"When you have a daughter like Honor, it’s incredible what can pass for a win.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLTKEFV7UVAADJGF2M2AFRSLQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167689},"content":"There’s a polite smattering of applause as she steps up to the mic. The girl is no dummy. She can sense the hostility in the room to the idea of her being head of her year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"76M6IBEORFBFZJT6PDL2XR2A6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167690},"content":"She goes, “Seriously, it’s a good job most of the moms here are botoxed up to the eyeballs – otherwise, I’d think they didn’t like me!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J3YSODCOSVHEPCIQHARXUYJSZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167691},"content":"There’s, like, total silence in the concert hall, except for the sound of the old man guffawing loudly. He leans into me and goes, “I told her to break the ice with a joke or two!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2CXX2TALRNBD3CLALPRXK6NHBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167692},"content":"Honor’s there, “Look at the state of those faces! I haven’t seen this much filler since the Taylor Swift double album dropped.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FXY4VRDR5BD3BJSVVL2JHYPTDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167693},"content":"This time there’s, like, angry mutters. You don’t diss Tay in front of this many women. That’s basic.","type":"text"},{"_id":"27MPLNPI3ZDCLH3GILVPADGEWY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167694},"content":"She goes, “Great speeches, girls. Did you find those online? Or did you ask ChatGPT for a generic Homecoming Queen speech?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H2IRRMJTM5ER7PXYW4SDU5MSBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167695},"content":"Sincerity and Liesel just stare at the floor, which – I know from painful experience – is pretty much all you <i>can</i> do when Honor has you in her crosshairs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OMZ6HW2O7NGG3JD46GA43VUF5A","additional_properties":{"_id":"YAOX34Q2FJELVIUPI4UJE37NAE"},"content":"Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"GC3PPM2XFJG75DQNAVETOGZWZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167696},"content":"“Anyhooo,” she goes, “I heard lots of waffle there but no actual promises. Lots of empty plaudits but no commitments to make the kind of changes that will make a difference to our lives. But here’s what <i>I’m</i> going to do for you. If elected, I will guarantee all students shorter school hours. The day will stort at 10am and finish at 3pm.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TD4OMP6WBEARKGZBNXDXOBXRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167697},"content":"The moms aren’t happy with that. It’s cutting into their Pilates time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B64MUH3FZNDMBJ5CWEI5OKOQTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167698},"content":"She goes, “Two days a week, students will be entitled to do their schoolwork from home. I will help deliver a Storbucks and a juice bor for the school. And next Christmas, I will bring all the sixth years on a skiing holiday to Verbier – paid for by my grandfather.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BHQOBL77GJDRPAPACWI2N2W4AM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714987167699},"content":"And in the silence, all I can hear is Sorcha going, “Oh my God! Oh my <i>literally</i> God!”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: The election to decide Mount Anville’s next Head Girl is weeks away and Honor is one of the candidates"},"display_date":"2024-05-11T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘What if she wins, Ross? 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Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RVQ7H3TG3ZEPNMWMBZUUW6RTWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450846},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, fine,” trying to close Google Maps on my phone. “Can we get the same again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KBIQJAGJQVABHL3F6BHBJWDHA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450847},"content":"He’s like, “I’ll get them dropped over to you,” and then off he goes, still grinning to himself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EV33LQIS2NB7XBRQDD7I7IJEOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450848},"content":"I open Google Maps again. I’m there, “I don’t even recognise half of these streets. Dorset Street? 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The whole thing is so random and unnecessary.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O6Q7OJDKENFJXB56AHSO3EXTTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450851},"content":"Christian’s like, “Did you talk to Ronan?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V5SMP3WPIBFX7IGOHIU5WCUXDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450852},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, he’s on his way in,” and no sooner have I said the words than I spot the dude walking across the floor of the pub.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VOEICP2V4FDNXGDY2AKUIE5Q3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450853},"content":"He’s like, “Alreet, feddas?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EKEVSLDE2NHA3LYOHXFJZGTZTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450854},"content":"And I’m there, “Ronan! How the hell<i> are</i> you? How’s the soccer going?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4UVMM36POZBOLNY5LOWGGMBEPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450855},"content":"He looks over both shoulders like I might be talking to someone else.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ROUWQW4IPFGPNEWCZKAYCTL5PI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450856},"content":"He goes, “You mean the football?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2GTRTUI4KFEOXDNN6FDYQDEPMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450857},"content":"I’m like, “Whatever you want to call it. Who’s your team again?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V24Q2VYJMVA2DEJZ2EHV3AONGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450858},"content":"“Bohiz.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S2ODAWYK5FALRMIIFS7B3L63EQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450859},"content":"“And how are <i>they</i> doing? Are they having loads of wins?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YMOHLJZSOJBCLG2RUKJC265YEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450860},"content":"“You don’t gib a boddicks how they’re doing, Rosser.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S7DKLVGJLVFZHK6PMV5YSWOF6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450861},"content":"“Yes, I do. Come on The Gypsies!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FYR2GBPH2NEYBNEP62BXHDQHPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450862},"content":"“Do you think I was borden yesterday?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KCCL5AOPWFCMXITBFVZDKA5BCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450863},"content":"“Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4F2YVTI5PJBG5KWNIJWTKJKUCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450864},"content":"“I know the real reason why you ast me here, Rosser. And it’s nothing got to do with the <i>soccer</i>.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T2M3A3ALRRF3LAZKAD43GYG2L4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450865},"content":"He says the word in my accent. It’s pretty good, it has to be said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SR7VSIAVKNCKPIQVPN74L7VDCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450866},"content":"I’m there, “The <i>real</i> reason? Dude, can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HSCQUJDKLJD5DHWJOHV5KP7K7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450867},"content":"He goes, “Coddect me if Ine wrong here. That team of yooers – Leddenster – are playing at Croke Peerk tomoddow, reet?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5S3GINQMNVF2TKKZRW6F3SU4JI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450868},"content":"I’m like, “Erm ...”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SPSJAXREH5GKTHMNATWI5IWTTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450869},"content":"“And you five geniuses – what did it cost to educate yous? A middion euros? Mebbe two? – caddent find your way from Ballsbridge to Baddybough.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R6BSKJCAWRGQHONKBA5PGL5UKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450870},"content":"Oisinn’s like, “We can find our way, Ro. It’s just that we’re trying to figure out the best slash <i>safest </i>way?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TRFQRWJLHFGKBPSTOVYBTQIXCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450871},"content":"“The <i>safest </i>way?” Ronan goes. “Where do you think it is – the middle of bleaten Baltimore?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MQDVVD5I2ZDFRCO62QOE3X6OWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450872},"content":"I’m there, “Baltimore would be easy. We all know our way around Baltimore.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CGB4JDFMOBAKHKYMA5BPKAYI7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450873},"content":"JP goes, “I think he means a different Baltimore. The one from <i>The Wire</i>.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HUARTKTP7REWHNQDMTVHU7FZK4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450874},"content":"Ronan just shakes his head like he’s disappointed with us.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FJRQXMKXQJAETFCOFQXTLWZJKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450875},"content":"He goes, “You’ve been to Croke Peerk befower, habn’t yous?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"STKNPARPA5CSZKSGJU3J4KEKDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450876},"content":"Fionn’s there, “That was a long time ago, Ronan. We’re talking 2007.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HIJKGLELHNGQZFRDJK3BSH7YMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450877},"content":"Ro’s like, “And none of yous has been back ebber since?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZB4Z7ANDEJADBHXB4Y2MLEAKUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450878},"content":"We all just shake our heads.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BFXQT2RANCMVMHK74LVRJ3CCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450879},"content":"I’m there, “There’s been no real need – as in, it hasn’t come up.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YUK3RTQ5UJCL7JGNUNXD4D7DTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450880},"content":"He looks me up and down disgustedly.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UNOQPPKNYNBATAAGGPSGW46R3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450881},"content":"He goes, “You know the Deert goes there?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VI2JHMAN4BAHHLJCM6G2BL5HDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450882},"content":"We’re all like, “The what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K57UU7BPL5DMLJ3HW3SG7COMXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450883},"content":"“The Deert,” he goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RL56SDKVRVBGZLO62BSOC45X24","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450884},"content":"I’m like, “We’re still not getting it, Ro.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VJIIMLMWMRGGNP2F6J6MPHLAFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450885},"content":"“The Deert,” he goes – shouting it this time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4AZG3XN4KZCDRILLHSUJDGRGEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"K53HPBY6JNAFVCBKYX2LHIYSDE"},"content":"Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"EUADR5ILJVFKDIL7G3JHUBDY7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450886},"content":"I’m there, “I think he’s trying to say the Dort, goys.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UGQU6TWMAVFVVOUGBEXFW3VQAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450887},"content":"He’s like, “No, I <i>am</i> saying the Deert. Mine is an authentic Dublin accent, remember? Yours was created by Disney.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NOYBJALD2JCPNNSPHUCBZBZIWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450888},"content":"Christian’s there, “The Dort isn’t running this weekend?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7QENNBGQ5FPVA2PHUETGZVKLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450889},"content":"“What about a Joer?” Ronan goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOOZZF5NNVBAPEMJMCBU4MBYNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450890},"content":"JP’s there, “Taxi drivers see people like us in our sailing jackets and our sailing shoes, and they drive us all over the place. I took my grandmother to the Mater in 2003 and the dude went via Portlaoise.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ODND4XBA4FGBJFNS3JJFYRGUHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450891},"content":"Again, he shakes his head like we’re a pack of amateurs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNC4BXLMPFHMBM37HFYLCS46SA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450892},"content":"“Alreet,” he goes, “seeing as it’s yous, Ine gonna sort it for yous. Do you know me mate Stacks of Muddy?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4OEYZHXJ75DA7B2D5U24KMDPMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450893},"content":"I’m like, “Stacks of Money? No, I’ve only met Buckets of Blood. And Hours of Pain.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3TT7TTMMJBGH7DSARSS5UHJYV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450894},"content":"“Stacks of Muddy is the bar madager in the Broken Arms,” he goes. “He’s brutter has a boat.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6G4G3MUJQBC7LEWPASV2SFZVEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450895},"content":"I’m there, “Is it a yacht?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QNP2U4VFL5BSPLKZ3FZKNW77UI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450896},"content":"“A fooken yacht,” Ronan goes. “It’s a fishing boat, Rosser. He can pick yous up from Dudden Leerdy Pier. Do you think, with your five brains combined, you can find your way to the end of Dudden Leerdy Pier?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZYSCVQZZNBSNPLMRVCGADFDT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450897},"content":"I look at the others. There seems to be general agreement that we can.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IOQEL7GBDNATRAXK73PO55EPVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450898},"content":"I’m like, “What happens then?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IUH6G3TOOJFCXFBXVE33O3XKYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450899},"content":"“He’ll bring yous to Doddymount Sthrand,” he goes, “where you’ll be collected by a hedicopter.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMFCJI3DBJFVVN2DEQ7E4CNXAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450900},"content":"I’m there, “An <i>actual</i> helicopter?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XAKW3RTHZFEDZOMZS6PEBXCE6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450901},"content":"“An actual hedicopter,” he goes. “It’ll drop you off on the roof of the Croke Peek Hotel. And even you five flutes should be able to find yisser way from there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LJUJIFS66JBKBCM7V535AWGLWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450902},"content":"JP goes, “How much is this going to cost us?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W3FEDPNC35DHTENHRBJ3DPGZ7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450903},"content":"Ronan’s there, “Two grand a man.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6ZQDTE7NENCZPGEAHIUN7UOKIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450904},"content":"We all look at each other and nod. We’ve paid that for match tickets in the past.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KRMIL2CVGZBSPIRFJAPIHVTHUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450905},"content":"I’m like, “Tell this Stacks of Money that he has a deal.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5IUI6EQCVNHDPHMJEPMAACDO74","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450906},"content":"And that’s when Ronan storts cracking his hole laughing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QDP6MCETVRAG3PNVSL5BBS34CE","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450907},"content":"He goes, “Ine only pudding your woyer, Ross. You southsiders and your bleaten muddy. No wonder taxi thrivers is robbing yous.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EWO7YEXWRBFS7BTBCXEWZY5BNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450908},"content":"JP goes, “You know, I thought it sounded too good to be true. There’s not a helicopter to be had this weekend. It’s like the good old days of the Celtic Tiger again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3T5T4ONPOJE37L2FB4JOGS6SZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450909},"content":"Ronan goes, “Feddas, here’s what you do. You put your heads down and you walk across O’Coddle Bridge.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6PYZKCSIDRHPFPCMZR65TEYZOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450910},"content":"I’m there, “You make it sound so easy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HE2U2AOH6VAD3E77ZG3DLAYAZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450911},"content":"He’s like, “You walk to the top of O’Coddle Sthreet and keep going, then halfway up North Frederick Sthreet, you turden right on to Dorset Sthreet. For there, you’re talking 15 midutes max – just folly the crowd.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PHITIEDLSBBZFKSBDSQZUTOSR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450912},"content":"I look at the others. I’m there, “What are we thinking?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OSH4QXJFF5CFFK6E2OUZPGDB3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450913},"content":"Ro goes, “Lads, you’ve thrabbled to South Africa to watch yisser team – and you’re scared to walk to Jones’s Road?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PYMVL25NO5FX5GOI7DB4L3MOHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450914},"content":"JP is just about to say something when his phone all of a sudden rings. All we can hear is, “Yeah ... Yeah ... Are you serious? ... Yeah, no, that’s great news.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WJ63PCWELBDFND2XUJ22OWRBQA","additional_properties":{"_id":"4X7ZVK53VZB2XMPMCVGD5A57OY"},"content":"‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"V2MEO5TYXJEHXOBUUJ2ZHIC4II","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450915},"content":"He hangs up.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JVRMQ3RE3FCA3AG5RAJI63RMNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450916},"content":"He goes, “That was South Dublin Heli-Hire. They’ve had a cancellation. They’ve got one for tomorrow.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZJO332ZUKBEKLHRQDVSLMHZ5TM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450917},"content":"I punch the air. We <i>all</i> do? Except Ronan, who’s just, like, shaking his head at us, unable to believe that people like us even exist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55INN7IPEFB4RLHQ2WYSH6SQ3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450918},"content":"JP’s there, “It’s going to be two grand a pop.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4EUVIFPARBCFPINWZ4AQ3HFDQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1714385450919},"content":"I’m like, “Who cares? 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Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QHBV6YITCBDLPLOJXC2E2OZVV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132337},"content":"Honor goes, “Are you going to keep coughing and spluttering like that? We’ve got <i>work</i> to do?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T7BQYF547JE2RPJI4GFFCWUIDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132338},"content":"Yeah, no, Honor has decided to run in the election to become head girl of Mount Anville next year and the old man has agreed to be her campaign manager. Sorcha should be proud, having held the title herself back in 1998, but Honor is only doing it to show how easy it’d be for her to win, thereby downgrading her old dear’s greatest life achievement.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J2AJJSEG4FBLDDLC5IN5TOKE4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132339},"content":"This is south Dublin. We have our own ways here.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5HH5TSSURBU3KZGXLHUHLXDNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132340},"content":"The old man goes, “I have a present for you, Honor!” then he sticks the cigor between his teeth and reaches into the inside pocket of his camel-hair coat to pull out what looks – to my expensively uneducated eyes – like a book.","type":"text"},{"_id":"36SSDFLXJBGI7C5XJA6GID4WXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132341},"content":"Honor’s like, “A book?” turning to me with a worried look on her face. “I focking hate books.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WTKY2G2OXRD4HBTC4J4ZNCSZF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132342},"content":"She does hate books. I remember her old dear handing her The Chronicles of Nornia for, like, her sixth birthday and Honor looking at it like she’d been asked to eat her own spleen for breakfast.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QXN22VKYKZCZDEVYVX4RCKFCTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132343},"content":"“This book is different!” the old man goes. “It’s called The Prince and it’s by a chap named Niccolò Machiavelli!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4U3WERM2S5D7DGEGKD45T5CYXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132344},"content":"Honor’s like, “Is this stuff that’s in it not available on the internet?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TNS54YBWRBAGRP7LD5O5HT3RKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132345},"content":"He’s there, “This particular edition, Honor, belonged to the late, great Chorles Haughey! It was his Christmas gift to me in 1982 – after I helped him see off Chorlie McCreevy and the famous Club of 22!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QGOPVU7DGNFH5AR2K4WK75VO3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132346},"content":"Honor takes it from him and flicks through it a few times like she’s fanning her face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L3CQ5JYKAJAYFBBX32R3QEQVZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132347},"content":"She’s there, “What are all these paragraphs that are underlined?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WVMWKUMDVRCMDNSNIT6V4XZ73Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132348},"content":"“Oh, they’re just quotes that he and I especially loved!” he goes. “You could learn a lot from them! And from him!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"35ZBIKTY4JA5FD6P3IKCWUJSXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132349},"content":"Honor reads one at random.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KYH3J6MORVEFVDEKDMHFN2TDKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132350},"content":"She’s like, “<i>If an injury be done to a man, it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.</i>”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LL5GPX43EVBA5HQ5WPGYQBVPIU","additional_properties":{"_id":"4T5TFEV6IVDQDN757XHUP4NG3M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NZFJOO2FXRHLDBC5SSLCTT72YI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132351},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Chorles, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with my daughter reading a book like that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U4NYFT5GOBDMBMN7WYT5GM6YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132352},"content":"He’s like, “I didn’t have you down as a banner of books, Sorcha!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TEL2RPGTTZHN5KRWZXIXDRRY7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132353},"content":"She goes, “I’m not saying it should be banned. I’m just making the point that it’s a contest to elect a head girl, not to run a country.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2YZA4GHCJBZNDR4BSV3W7JZHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132354},"content":"The old man’s there, “An election is an election is an election, Sorcha!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V7P4BULFIFDJNILO6CS2UQI5Q4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132355},"content":"“<i>Never attempt to win by force what can be won by deception</i>,” Honor goes. “Oh my God, I am <i>so</i> here for this!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IZKRGXWC3ZBNJM3QITLYRMU5GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132356},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “I’m just saying that I’m not comfortable with my daughter embracing cynicism at such a young age. This is the school that gave the world Mary Robinson and Samantha Power.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"26IBLNVAVFHGHCI4RQGDQWT4BM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132357},"content":"“<i>And here comes the question,</i>” Honor goes, “<i>whether it is better to be loved rather than feared, or feared rather than loved. It might perhaps be answered that we should wish to be both; but since love and fear can hardly exist together, if we must choose between them, it is far safer to be feared than loved.</i>”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYUXCXP6CVEUJIWZNACCM6TSBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132358},"content":"Sorcha makes a grab for the book, but Honor snatches it away from her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYRLZWWB7VCS3CLSCTRCXLKE5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132359},"content":"“I’ve been giving this election a great deal of thought!” the old man goes. “And it might be necessary, in the short term, given the imminence of the vote, to get the other girls to like you! Then you can do the whole fear thing later on after you’ve won!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5QLBD4DNJJGVHGL3RUBMOTNJJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132360},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Yeah, how’s she going to do that, Chorles? She’s been making enemies since the day she first walked through the gates.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QNGA6R63JJBOZMHAR7MBZ6XLJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132361},"content":"“Honor,” he goes, “do you think it might be possible for you to–?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ISPALDBZGBHY7ARXOCIW3TSV74","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132362},"content":"Honor’s like, “Do <i>not</i> ask me to smile.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQJ5ANFVQRFJLBZUN3FBPY52EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132363},"content":"The old man’s there, “To win this election, it might be necessary to show the other girls the softer side to your personality.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q2CUYSDLCVAFXEMLSXKE4K2CKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132364},"content":"I’m like, “There <i>is</i> no softer side.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UEOH6UHN6BEU7BR53WAD4N6V5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132365},"content":"“There’s not,” Honor agrees. “Plus, Fionnuala told me when I was three that the only way to avoid wrinkles in middle age was to avoid smiling at all costs.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NVV7G6XFRNHWFIQC2HOR2EDMEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132366},"content":"She’s right about the old dear. Even as she’s taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others, I’ve never known the corners of her mouth to so much as twitch. It’s a genuine skill.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IUNMZHJTWFH3LC2DIFTCCNTGEA","additional_properties":{"_id":"PR7VLDBDFZFN7MFUZBOX7XVKN4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"5UMQ5URVKFHHFCQM5QEGWJ6USY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132367},"content":"“You see?” Sorcha goes – a note of definite <i>smugness</i> in her voice? “There’s more to winning an election than learning off a bunch of misanthropic quotes from one of the most dangerous books of all time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JO43HQAIZVFV3FUXVCHKUT3ITQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132368},"content":"The old man’s there, “Come on, Honor – give us a smile!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YB2PXGSAJRF4BN3MJB7M2BN6QM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132369},"content":"“I can’t,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FPXJSSRZUVGADD6F6ASMWYMJFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132370},"content":"He’s like, “You could at least try!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"42M2MZL3SNDZHMFRXNX45J5DTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132371},"content":"She’s there, “This <i>is</i> me trying?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4AKZTOXR5VBDBOYSTPRNW7RMYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132372},"content":"Yeah, no, I can actually see the strain in her face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOWZUMKUEBHPPKJYFV5OIDZATU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132373},"content":"I’m like, “Dude, you’re asking too much here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E3BJGKVNIZE4TPN7S6DAANHARQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132374},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “She’s not physically capable.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y4ZXSU7NSJHSVBTX7GPM6AZNQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132375},"content":"“That’s what Haughey used to say about himself!” the old man goes. “I used to give him tutorials in smiling every Monday afternoon in the bor in Buswells – like that film where the chap teaches the king to stop stuttering! Well, once he storted smiling, our friend couldn’t stop! Come on, Honor – try again!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AWJQAJA2MFGJRJOJTDIOTUPDZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132376},"content":"She screws up her face and ends up looking like a Chow Chow attempting to shit a peach stone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VNPEE46U5ZECLL3NA2OJM2BILY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132377},"content":"I’m there, “Go on, Honor!” suddenly pulling for the girl.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BAFHPGI6V5EQTAE4F7Y2YKOV6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132378},"content":"“She can’t do it,” Sorcha goes. “It’s not in her nature.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3V5KHE7HKZCS3AVYH6F2TUFNY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132379},"content":"But her old dear’s lack of belief spurs her on.","type":"text"},{"_id":"25BBGONKQ5CWRK5E7RR5C2XGQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132380},"content":"I’m there, “Come on, Honor!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PVWLOPJEGZBI3OYDK6QC74RNMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132381},"content":"And, as if by some kind of miracle, I watch the corners of her mouth stort to spasm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"32F3KDRIAZDNDJV5GBRUVOTYUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132382},"content":"The old man goes, “That’s it! You’ve got it!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2DNH3EBMMRDOXJBR32YN6SZ2BA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132383},"content":"And suddenly, Honor is smiling like a psychopath heading for the electric chair.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PET3SJWFXRAELG4NQ53QTL3P2I","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132384},"content":"Sorcha goes, “You look like you’re in pain, Honor. There is no way that people are going to be fooled into voting for you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SZHB3DR25BAR3E5TIU46MSFJLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132385},"content":"The old man’s there, “As the great book says, people in general are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"37HWTVMRL5GNNKIRCGJEZLYLW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132386},"content":"“Well,” Sorcha goes, “I think the girls of Mount Anville are about to prove you wrong.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FKIZ7EPIMVAUDLNRR2UNJAFLKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713780132387},"content":"And from the way she says it, I can tell that she very nearly believes it.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: This is south Dublin. 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That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot. It feels like no time ago that I was bringing Honor to Deansgrange Library, where she spent many happy hours as a child tearing the last page out of all the mystery novels. And now, what, twelve years later, I’m dropping her to Herbert Pork to knock another four hours off her Community Service by picking up litter for the morning.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FMWZJJUSGRAJNCYZWFPGLHJGXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460593},"content":"Sorcha – who’s with us in the cor – asks her when the election is happening.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CH3NPORGFJEG5HFK5KNUPWX4NE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460594},"content":"Honor goes, “What election?” annoyed at being interrupted from, I don’t know, whatever vital business is going on in her phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KSPO27UI2VE7ZILCGPFGVPUKQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460595},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “The election for Head Girl,” because – yeah, no – hord as it is to believe, Honor’s going to be in, like, <i>Sixth</i> Year in September?","type":"text"},{"_id":"45C3ARBOLFATDET5F64SQHPAEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460596},"content":"She goes, “Er, why would <i>I</i> give a fock?” and – while not wishing to take sides – the girl does have a point. “It doesn’t affect me one way or the other.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HSBEUFJIMREOZHBKQZJCIGRRXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460597},"content":"Of course, Sorcha is just looking for an excuse to talk about her own days as Mount Anville’s leading lady.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PBCSOHBDNHZXL55LPQH7IAJPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460598},"content":"“Oh my God,” she goes, “you just mentioning it there is bringing all the memories flooding back to me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VI3ZUF6CC5CCJM3YUIQQRNHV4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460599},"content":"Honor’s like, “Yeah, I <i>didn’t</i> mention it? <i>You </i>were the one who brought it up?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ENJQEXLQERCBTHKJFK6VA3QSCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460600},"content":"Sorcha goes, “After the first ballot, there were two candidates remaining. It was between me and Alison Portnoy. She was, like, the favourite and I was, like – oh my God – the total, <i>total </i>underdog? Then I made my famous One School, One Planet, One Vision speech at assembly and it changed everything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C3GSBITXUBG4HE6DNR7INF5IQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460601},"content":"That’s when Honor looks up from her phone and goes, “Maybe<i> I’ll</i> run.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WU5RKQ6DLNGE3HMYVTL3S657QA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460602},"content":"And Sorcha – unwisely, in my view – laughs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UGBISFMKY5APFK6HDGFYSDULUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460603},"content":"Honor’s like, “What? You don’t think I’d have a chance?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UX3LIEXTVHSFLFX23CUR3ZYSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460604},"content":"Sorcha goes, “Like, I’m not saying this to be a bitch, Honor, but you haven’t exactly gone out of your way to court popularity during your school career.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MCGTFXE7HJH67I6S2PU4DEQ3GI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460605},"content":"“Are you saying that people hate me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AJBFFHDVZJBFJMNENAGD7JNVBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460606},"content":"“No, I’m making the point that it isn’t just a case of throwing your hat into the ring. You have to persuade your peers that you’re the right person to represent them during what will be one of the most important and formative years in their life’s journey. For instance, what would your policy priorities be? What do you even believe in?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QFSU6HK4VDBNFSTHV23X7P3NE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460607},"content":"I’m looking at Honor in the rear-view mirror and I can nearly hear the wheels of her mind turning. She’s staring at the back of her old dear’s head and she’s thinking that if she could become Mount Anville Head Girl, it would completely devalue Sorcha’s achievement and – I’m not saying it’s necessarily a bad thing – shut her up for life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLUAYKTSC5CQVEYXY46GJQ46E4","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460608},"content":"“<i>One School, One Planet, One Vision,</i>” Sorcha goes, a faraway look in her eyes. “<i>I ask you, girls, are we brave enough to want to change the world?</i>”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VG5D26EE5JHSNKAYB5AW5KK2OE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460609},"content":"A few minutes later, I’m porking the cor on Herbert Road when who should happen by only the old man. He’s standing on the other side of the road going, “Kicker! Kicker! KICKER!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4L36UQCBGNFG7C5MISJNBESIKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460610},"content":"I’m like, “Honor, get out of the cor. I’m going to pretend that I didn’t see the dickhead.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C4BVJ3PC3NB4ROKAQL7TKUQB3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460611},"content":"But it’s too late. He’s suddenly standing at my window and I end up having to open the thing, getting a faceful of Montecristo smoke for my troubles.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K5KR3PWVVNFSBK6PS4LMFNRPPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460612},"content":"He goes, “Didn’t you hear me calling you, Kicker?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WUN5CRKWSNGWNBPRPT7R7YLRYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460613},"content":"I’m like, “The people holidaying in Roundstone heard you? What’s the story?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ODH6PG2NFNHOXB4C4NGAV4LMFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460614},"content":"“Oh, just out for my Saturday morning constitutional! Morning, Sorcha! Morning, Honor! I expect you’ve all seen it, have you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"M5MKIKJX2RHWVNQIBQVFT5PEAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460615},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Seen what, Chorles?” because she’s a sucker for his act.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W3XD72I7CZEGBKJTLMIFXFC6YQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460616},"content":"He goes, “There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OJPZ7TGLAZDPPEEYDCRIIF6B4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460617},"content":"I’m like, “Yeah, no, you can just say TikTok. So what happens in this supposed video?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GUU5KXT6PRAEXLNMU4X2GNC27A","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460618},"content":"Except Honor has already looked it up and found it on her phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CISCSLWHLFGBXNUHCX2J7P7YLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460619},"content":"“Oh my God!” she goes. “Oh! <i>My</i> God?” and then she hands me her phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DP36XM7K4JHBXMYHIGVCG3BJLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460620},"content":"To cut a long story short, it’s a video of the old man – yeah, no – with his <i>finger</i> up his nose?","type":"text"},{"_id":"PIN6MPI3KNARTHFFIAYLIGN6NI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460621},"content":"I’m like, “Jesus, that’s quite the excavation you’re doing there, Dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7DP3NIEYZE3VGMC4Y5YBUS5ZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460622},"content":"He goes, “Someone surreptitiously filmed me while I was sitting in Buswells. Are they allowed to do that, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WQZFTXZ3EJEFJN7HOERQZSHOLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460623},"content":"I’m there, “Whether they’re allowed to do it or not, they’ve done it. My God, I’d say you dropped a waist size or two when you pulled out whatever’s up there. Wait a minute – what are you about to do with that thing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMO2FL3TBVHPXGR2RR7HMSNY5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460624},"content":"My stomach does a quick somersault and I end up having to look away.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BOQE665YUJGAHDFZJHXX3ACD6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460625},"content":"I’m like, “That’s disgusting! Jesus, what kind of an animal–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AIWHLDF3TJGZPDLYFCJ5GO2EYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460626},"content":"He goes, “As you can imagine, it’s rather embarrassing for me – politically, I mean. I’d ask Hennessy to send these Tick Tock dot com people one of his famous letters except the chap is in Martinique with one of his lady friends with instructions not to disturb.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B6PGMLBQ4VFYVLD77BI44JKDKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460627},"content":"Honor goes, “I can get it taken down for you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFVBB3VASBESPLQVZKWCIEQITM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460628},"content":"I’m there, “Leave it up there, Honor. That’ll learn him not to pick his nose and eat it in public.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKOLRBMARZBGVEY3TAO7HAAP6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460629},"content":"The old man’s like, “What? Could you <i>really</i> have it removed, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W5G2MELD2FG7TEGJXL73MEIICI","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460630},"content":"Honor’s there, “Easy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S75IMSNDMVFARGTUOMOP7PXUNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460631},"content":"He’s like, “Oh, that’s absolutely wonderful news! Thank you, Dorling!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CE5AGXTL4ZH5FEWW35XUAFO66A","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460632},"content":"“On one condition,” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZXIDMV2FRDXFJFKZW6DP2UOMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460633},"content":"The old man smiles at her. They’re alike in a lot of ways.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7RRLXIJC75FIDASL3XOOBNC2BA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460634},"content":"He’s there, “How much?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MIL6DNPMBBEVJJD4NLMMH4XDDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460635},"content":"“No,” she goes, “it’s not money. I want you to be my campaign manager.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UL3EPEJVLBCGJPAH47OOPGJZRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460636},"content":"He’s like, “Campaign manager? What in the name of Hades are you–”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XOUQ3TZGNVHJ5CDSASHEGDP4SM","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460637},"content":"“She’s talking about running for Head Girl of Mount Anville,” Sorcha goes. “Ignore her, Chorles. She’s just saying it to get me riled up.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7MSDUW3KDVBJXJOKASDFVNQWHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460638},"content":"But I can see in the old man’s eyes that he’s interested.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3KNK44V325F23CWHBC2R5BWEYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460639},"content":"“You’d be a rank outsider,” he goes. “You haven’t exactly courted popularity in the course of your school career, have you, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJIESBJE25A6JNO4OCV2FIOJXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460640},"content":"Honor’s there, “No, I haven’t.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W5SITYV3UFDWTF6O7CYVFVIFDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460641},"content":"He goes, “It’d be like the great man himself coming back from that unfortunate Orms Trial nonsense to become Taoiseach!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KYVXZIUJMBECVC3OELPVO2SMXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460642},"content":"Honor’s like, “Yeah, I’ve no idea what the fock that even <i>means</i>? But will you do it, Granddad? Will you show me how to win?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2SNHWBMYEBBZZLHYUHROMZFRCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460643},"content":"Sorcha’s there, “Chorles, she’s just doing it for attention.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EGC4OHS23NH73CON2CQV6GPUII","additional_properties":{"_id":1713190460644},"content":"But he goes, “You’re damn right I will, Honor! 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And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFS6AGBMWNAB7JCTEIIDVTCR2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056525},"content":"I ask Réaltín – and not for the first time either – what’s in those famous energy drinks she’s been giving me and she goes, “You don’t need to know what’s in them. You just need to know that they work.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B5JPEIRN7NCGRFPZO4KPFXR5GY","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056526},"content":"“At the same time,” I go, “I would <i>like</i> to know?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JHEQQCDK5ZBLJD7MVSM7H2O2EY","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056527},"content":"But she’s like, “Just get your head in the focking game, will you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YRDLFFXH7RH5ZJISGHGM7ABSEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056528},"content":"We’re about to play Deng Chao and Yang Lina in the final of the Leinster Padel Championships and the girl is no mood for conversation. Not that she<i> ever</i> is?","type":"text"},{"_id":"L4BSIFPYYZG33DZQGVU35O6YKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056529},"content":"She goes, “Do your focking job.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NIFUEJGTRJHVZCUC42KQI34O2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056530},"content":"There’s a surprise waiting for me when we reach the court. Sorcha has turned up to watch. And not only Sorcha, but also Honor and my old man and the goys – we’re talking JP, Oisinn, Fionn and Christian. They give me a humungous cheer, then the goys launch into a rendition of our old school anthem, Castlerock Uber Alles, followed by a chorus of, “If I had the wings of a sparrow, if I had the orse of a crow, I’d fly over Terenure College – ” and, well, you can probably guess the rest.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JXW4VX7NEJDVHAZDW4RPTVEK3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056531},"content":"It’s a genuine goosebumps moment and Réaltín ends up having to tell me again to focus – “cop the fock on to yourself” – because it’s the kind of thing that could end up going to my head if I let it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K4X2CVCPDREOZISNEEHJSNRGKM","additional_properties":{"_id":"QN3Q6JZNVNG7RNLEC2BTXSOX6A"},"content":"‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HPHENOMHNVHSZOO7WSSUSZ52RM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056532},"content":"That’s when Deng Chao and Yang Lina walk out and my jaw hits the floor.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GY5W45X4PVC6ZBIUXMERYHGPSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056533},"content":"I’m there, “They must be, like, 20 years younger than us.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JANGA765D5BPXNNLJ2TVQMGBYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056534},"content":"Réaltín goes, “Forget about them and concentrate on your own game,” which turns out to be good advice because we’re under the cosh from the very stort. They break our serve in the first game and it’s only Réaltín who keeps us in the match by breaking them back and taking the first set to a tie-break.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7GHULHPG4BCJPEDAFMYNX5RQ3U","additional_properties":{"_id":"OAK2E52OUZADZG6VN2PAGZRHJ4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"JUA3ETFXYFAH7BVMMHA3VWRDOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056535},"content":"“Who’s that dickhead performing the running commentary?” she goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MOZAWFWX2JCG7N6GBNFMY2YUTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056536},"content":"I’m there, “That’s my old man.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QL4CJ33WJJHWZDQOIFLXDCQPHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056537},"content":"Yeah, no, he’s going, “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly!” in his big foghorn voice. “Aka Kicker! The king of Leinster rugby and now the king of Leinster –. What’s this game called again, Honor?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DIDR7Z533NEDDEZQ5HY2ND5G4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056538},"content":"She’s like, “God, he’s annoying.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLTXBKP2NJCOJNLE37S2AHKGLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056539},"content":"I’m there, “You’re preaching to the choir, Réaltín.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IPGUPROEKBFBNOLTHDTYV3HXVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056540},"content":"We win the first set thanks to an unbelievable backhand shot from her, but we’re both wiped from the effort and Deng Chao and Yang Lina’s youth storts to tell in the second set, which they win 6-2.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MECXVIIR4VDAFABGI3KCBQEU7E","additional_properties":{"_id":"ILG3CGQWJVDDTBAJYUMQWA45RE"},"content":"‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"P4IS2WO4QZE4BB4CFMG32DALKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056541},"content":"Sorcha shouts, “Come on, Ross! Try and win it!” which is what she used to shout when I was playing rugby. The goys are chanting, “Ledge-und! Ledge-und! Ledge-und!” while Honor is going, “This is, like, <i>seriously</i> boring? When is it going to be over?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYKN6XDYABCVDIYSZUWS5JUYGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056542},"content":"The answer, I suspect, is soon enough, because at 3-3 in the final set, I stort to feel seriously ropey – we’re talking shallow breath and palpitations in my chest – and I end up asking for a timeout.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PYVBN4LV2FB7ROV7TUDDLRM3PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1712582047118},"content":"“A timeout?” Réaltín goes, as we go into a little huddle. “You’re making us look weak.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ZOPUSXS5ZA2XAWSPO324YG4ZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056544},"content":"I’m there, “Réaltín, I think I’m having a hort attack. I need to know what’s in those drinks you’ve been giving me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6USQ4SUNEBDJZLOR737JPMVGNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056545},"content":"She’s like, “You don’t need to know.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WIUJVSU2FBDSXBE2CHT3VPEG6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056546},"content":"I’m there, “Réaltín, I’m about 10 seconds away from walking off this court to ask my wife to phone an ambulance for me – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XDHFWMMGL5ENTOOTV324ZA7KEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056547},"content":"She goes, “It’s cold consommé.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KEPA2HYM2VAIRP5R2JU4Z4CY4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056548},"content":"I’m like, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RF4VJSDGTVFPPIMZEVM5YVS7GU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056549},"content":"“That’s what you’ve been drinking.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJ2FMK23BJDHJOWVYO3J5IAOKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056550},"content":"“Cold consommé with what? I’m guessing cocaine or something.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KXNE7HBRYJC6RKWVQEM3ID3O64","additional_properties":{"_id":"HXHDR44NQJBHDD7DW6YWHJ36YY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SVKTXLXIFVAALN2GNPRWGMVZPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056551},"content":"She goes, “Ross, it’s just a placebo. Look, I heard you banging on about your exploits on the rugby pitch and how your coach had you on a doping programme and I thought, ‘He thinks he can’t win unless he’s <i>on</i> something.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FP4NFKEUYZEG3NXAQRGQHODDZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056552},"content":"“So it’s just, like – ?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JS32VQMX5BEAPOVHYSUFVXST7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056553},"content":"“Thin soup. Cold.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUZXKKERK5HTPD5RQMVO6RY7KA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056554},"content":"“But what about my hort? The thing is beating like a focking snare drum here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W3RPGIRP5JHJPPLC32BIEKAXHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056555},"content":"“Is it really that long since you won something that you’ve forgotten what adrenaline feels like?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7N5472SIBAF3BDLMSB65FNB3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056556},"content":"I’m like, “Adrenaline?” and the penny finally drops. “I’m pumped. That’s all this is.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKKEFT7EXFH3LOJGOBD7Z7RUSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056557},"content":"She’s there, “Now can we beat these two saps and go home?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W5G5J5OIBJGFLKTPREQL2HDZX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1712582047134},"content":"We go back to work. Réaltín storts with the sledging – “You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!” – and that’s when the mistakes stort to creep into their game.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VHRXCSJVK5BCNNASTA2DZYG62U","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056559},"content":"Twice, Deng swings his racket and hits thin air, while I’m suddenly re-energised, buzzing around the court, high on the – like she said – adrenaline of knowing that victory is, like, <i>this</i> close.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STAIHOQTBNG4RJQRXDFSXQY2RE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056560},"content":"“You suck!” Réaltín shouts at them across the net when I’m serving for the match – she really is the most terrifying person I’ve ever met – and I can see in Deng’s eyes that he’s beaten.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J3UUVCGTTRGYBFD5BUTH7DARTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712582047137},"content":"I hit the ball and it comes at him like a bullet. He manages to send it back to me, but I’ve chorged the net, and my return volley hits him full-force, right in the unpublishables, and he hits the deck like a Welsh scrum.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PAPZ7DA6NJCQHJ3XISSYDZZZCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056562},"content":"There’s, like, cheers from my family and friends and more chants of “Ledge-und!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"454OA77S4FF3XJJEU6SPT2U7PQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056563},"content":"I go to hug Réaltín but she holds up a staying hand and goes, “We don’t have that kind of relationship,” which is fair enough.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZB26TLEF5A2TG7QJLIQTBNN2M","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056564},"content":"We’re presented with the trophy, which Réaltín says I can keep. She goes, “I get no pleasure out of winning. The most I ever feel is relief that I haven’t lost.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPF7JR26LFALRPUX6VARH3BOBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056565},"content":"We look at each other and she sort of, like, smiles. And I know I’ll never see her again. There’s no need.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QSLQSAWI4JAWZMO5RNYXVINHEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056566},"content":"Sorcha throws her orms around me and goes, “Oh my God! You were amazing!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BAVSPJGTRFDZNFL4GJDH6GYOBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712515056567},"content":"By that stage, Réaltín is already walking away with her husband, Bradan, and beneath the chants of, “Ledge-und! Ledge-und! Ledge-und!” I’m almost sure I hear her go, “Yeah, I told him it was just cold consommé – and he seemed to believe me.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Réaltín really is the most terrifying person I’ve ever met"},"display_date":"2024-04-13T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! 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I totally <i>get</i> that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKKXSWNR3FBL5NRMBMUZYYXJNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496131},"content":"She goes, “What in the name of God were you thinking?” which is the exact same thing she said to me as I polished off the last of the things. “Do you have any idea of the damage you’ve just done?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EWRRFU4UF5GJJCMWJXF6OUNNTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496132},"content":"In the case of the macadamias, it was about €17. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her that I had the gummy bears as well.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWGP5Z2URNCIBCR7JGKXCK54CY","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496133},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, you’re – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2H5M5QBP4FC2NIPMRO37ZRAA3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496134},"content":"“Don’t you dare tell me that I’m over-reacting!” she goes. “Don’t you dare try to gaslight me!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EXGQLAUW6VHOBE4DUPZXX2WT3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496135},"content":"This conversation is taking place in the kitchen, by the way, after the kids have gone to bed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RMBE2NB4SZCEHJDVKYXOSHYMKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496136},"content":"She goes, “How could you do it? How could you do it to me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WSDB34AWSFG5ZNSLIGVO62ST7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496137},"content":"I’m there, “What did I <i>supposably</i> do to you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SZCPWDVPXVCWLDYNMDIDRJBLKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496138},"content":"She’s like, “Sneaking around behind my back. Lying about where you were going at night. Spending time with another woman.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6BBXMT36NCAFGEAYGSNC7HVJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496139},"content":"I’m there, “I’d hordly call Réaltín another woman.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7FESZOORY5CXHIMCDHJM45T2XI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496140},"content":"“What would you call her then?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7TV3RIAOJZBCJOILDK6SIEXSVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496141},"content":"“She’s my padel portner.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IAX22IIW3JCZNHEDV6RHDDPPQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496142},"content":"“And why couldn’t you have played padel with me? What does she have that I don’t have?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5VF5WB5SNZEAXHHUWJ5IQSPACE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496143},"content":"A strong forehand. A volley to die for. She attacks the net like Tadhg Furlong throwing himself at the opposition try-line. I don’t say any of that, though. I wouldn’t be thanked for it. Instead, I just put my head down and I sort of, like, mumble, “I don’t know,” under my breath.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXI2MH7FXNHCXN3DHTTTT3FL4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1712336637394},"content":"She’s like, “You must know, Ross. You’re the one who’s been spending his evenings with her.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6UQW2OMFXNCE3MU56Q3DHPYSMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496145},"content":"I’m there, “Again, you’re looking at it all wrong, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GB4FNDNTGZB5PJAPPS4WGMO6HA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496146},"content":"She’s like, “Oh, you’re going to trot out all the usual cliches, are you? She meant nothing. <i>It</i> meant nothing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DW5LZUHJKVBLLFZ6ZQ5XD2J4KE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496147},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, it’s not like all the other times I cheated on you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RVU3Q3VPANABVHMFPJOM54VHLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496148},"content":"She goes, “Do you know what this reminds me of? The time you ate the pistachios from the mini-bor in Ljubljana.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V75XPSFHDBEXVMW26OT4E6FDQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496149},"content":"I’m like, “They were macadamias and I don’t see how the two things are – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KPMIEFNYAFGNFP4USUAE23ZD5E","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496150},"content":"She’s there, “You move through life just helping yourself to whatever’s going, Ross, satisfying your needs and your appetites, and never caring about the consequences or the cost. Which was €27 in the case of the nuts.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CKKQSMST5BGBZA3LYYO3SDEU64","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496151},"content":"Not €17. I stand corrected.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F65C56DNHZH6XOKGV6FYCR5UR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496152},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, that was, like, eight years ago. It might be time to let it go,” and I get a sudden flashback to me snapping back the ring-pull on the tin and her throwing herself headlong across the bed at me, screaming, “Noooooo!!!!!!” like she’d just watched me pull the pin out of a grenade.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5B2K33B47ZGSHDNAD2WSCPE7OU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496153},"content":"She goes, “You still haven’t answered my question. Why couldn’t you have been satisfied playing padel with me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TIJMZYZ76BDO7JYD3EPZRB2LQY","additional_properties":{"_id":"DU67KPOY4JH2POH72HPE73MLZY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"FU3H3JLWXRE4ZJE36V5UHTKIUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496154},"content":"I finally look at her – her eyes red and her face all blotchy from crying – and I think, no, I can’t tell her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XJPXX6DZNAUFHS6YZKALWDQPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496155},"content":"I’m there, “Because you’re rubbish at it, Sorcha.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"J2IAM4254ZBR5BIRRWTGVJ7SHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496156},"content":"Okay, it turns out that I <i>can</i> tell her?","type":"text"},{"_id":"7MXNHRE2CFFEZB7XVOVO3PMDZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496157},"content":"She’s like, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZWKWLW2X5ACZAKRHYRWJUOHXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496158},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, sport isn’t your thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XSFU2QJUTRCRRK7FHJQIC3WRZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496159},"content":"“Er, I played hockey for Mount Anville, can I just remind you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NHVUJZTFHBBYRFXS23NVJZ3KV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496160},"content":"“Yeah, for the sevenths team. I’m saying you don’t have the competitive hunger or the big-match temperament to compete at the kind of levels <i>I</i> want to compete at?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4674C2DNQJCQ5NWEXTLF65WYGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496161},"content":"“What, and Réaltín does?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"R3M7TNOQIJENNO7ZAZYS3ZH3YA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496162},"content":"“Sorcha, we’re into the final of the Leinster Mixed Doubles Championships.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQGKDOVIUVDS5L2KDJDRFUOLBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496163},"content":"“Congratulations. Now you’re going to have to choose between that and me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JJO7CSSB2RH2ZL6BM5BNU4MY5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496164},"content":"“Are you saying – ?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V5ZPKBSI2NE4HP34SLNWCYMKEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496165},"content":"“I’m saying if you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5NCMVTJQ6NEE7OCP7M5FU6VJSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496166},"content":"I can tell from the look on her face that she means it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OQ6TM6KVRFFMRLCPT36W2GJUAI","additional_properties":{"_id":"4HGDKF7UMRHGFNJIRFFXFQFTDQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"2OO6F2F77NGYDOPKIGENZPQFRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496167},"content":"I’m there, “Sorcha, I remember you debating back in the day. You were unbelievable at it. You used to tie the other girls up in knots. Especially the Loreto’s. You hated the Loreto’s, in fairness to you. You won the All Ireland Schools Debating Championship. You didn’t want to be seventh. You wanted to be the best.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"32WO2RYTEZGAFODBWSVPTIHKIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496168},"content":"“That’s totally – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5PE4ZL7425DGDKBWXGZQRNQDVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496169},"content":"“Well, that’s how it is for me in terms of sport. Sorcha, when I was 18 years old, I was the best outhalf in the country. It wasn’t even a contest. But then I pissed it up against the wall – or the urinal in Kielys if we’re talking literally. And now when people talk about me, they don’t talk about the player I was, they talk about the player I could have been. Do you have any idea what it’s like to feel that Johnny Sexton stole your life?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QLGUL6BTFAJ3NVQZVWBKKNPPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496170},"content":"“What are you talking about?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PRR3GWIHCNH5DFQMHSATANMXC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496171},"content":"“I love Johnny Sexton – don’t get me wrong. I consider him a friend and a mentee. But every time he did something heroic on the rugby pitch, I’d get these, I want to say, <i>consoling</i> looks from people – we’re talking my old man, we’re talking Thornley, we’re talking the goys – as if to say, it could have been and should have been you out there, dude.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QONNSFXONVD7DJMD3A4TRUHRAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496172},"content":"I realise that I’m crying – as in, like, <i>really</i> crying? Tears are streaming down my face.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JTVOIT62IJDFLPD7Z5MQ5ZJIYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496173},"content":"I’m there, “I’m 44 years old, Sorcha. And for more than half of my life, I’ve felt like I have this big hole in the middle of my chest and it’s the size and shape of a rugby ball. But for the first time – probably since I coached the Facebook tag rugby team – I’ve found something that’s filled that hole. And I’m sorry that I lied to you, Sorcha, but I’m begging you: please don’t take that away from me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXSFWWJOZ5EF7EJ4BVDJDZVWPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496174},"content":"She just stares at me coldly, then turns her back on me and walks out of the kitchen, probably to ring her old pair and tell them what a loser she married.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CSG7WSFFZNBFHCCQUIE6263ZTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496175},"content":"I grab a couple of sheets of kitchen roll to wipe my eyes and blow my nose. Then I whip out my phone and I stort writing a text message to Réaltín. It’s like, “Unfortunately, I’m not going to be available to – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WL7J6QTMGRETFECTXVBYPFGI64","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496176},"content":"But then the kitchen door opens and Sorcha is suddenly back again. She has my gear bag in her hand. She reaches into it and pulls out my balled-up tennis shirt and shorts and literally throws them at me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZTTT2SRW7ZBQXBJ5FYJP7JZYRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1712049496177},"content":"“Those are going to need to be washed,” she goes. “Before the final, I mean.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘Don’t you dare tell me that I’m over-reacting!’ she goes. ‘Don’t you dare try to gaslight me!’"},"display_date":"2024-04-06T04:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"TJ257RKG5JC25L5IRH5IPGD7ZE","auth":{"1":"39d7cb210dbe416b315e33cec4003e846d2c8727062c0efd5796995e7c969d1e"},"focal_point":{"x":1882,"y":1170},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/TJ257RKG5JC25L5IRH5IPGD7ZE.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":362.068,"episodeTitle":"‘Don’t you dare tell me that I’m over-reacting!’ she goes. ‘Don’t you dare try to gaslight me!’","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/1673383397461-8f5dc76da6409974bd352dc3e7b7a299.jpeg","showTitle":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/61409402444fd951a7f27e60/episodes/6613e16cd8c7a90016ff356f.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/if-you-play-that-match-ross-our-marriage-is-over/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/MH35IEIN5FGYNH7X3SQF3E4LBQ.jpg"}}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}}}},{"_id":"6ANYYM733NFXXC33DQROIDFYIU","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/you-are-not-having-a-hort-attack-im-not-allowing-it/","content_elements":[{"_id":"7FDCLUIQTNCG3OFHZR557NSVZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783588},"content":"Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UELA5YBW4BDM3PILLBOGAWAFB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783589},"content":"Thor is banjoed – he went over on his ankle after about ten minutes – but the dude is determined to be carried off on his shield. He’s hobbling around the court, determined to give it everything he’s got, while Réaltín is focking with his head in a major way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VKZJXNXTS5CLJGDIPOR3NO4MCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783590},"content":"She goes, “It looks like ligaments. You could be doing yourself permanent damage.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3KOSY7WFKFFBJO3S7E5GHDBNOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783591},"content":"This is after lobbing him to go 15-30 up and we’re, like, two points away from victory.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7WGVMSHWLBF4DMK4EOJ5ZEDT5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783592},"content":"She’s like, “You really should go to A&E.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y64F32OPLRDNRN6XWJSB6TDUY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783593},"content":"“You are <i>not</i> going to A&E,” Lisa tells him. “Pain is psychological.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7CYATWD7TVD3JDCV44LMNRGAYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783594},"content":"The Leinster Padel Championships are no place for sentiment.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJG6GT4LENE7VFWSWWPTZM3CQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783595},"content":"Réaltín looks at me and goes, “Play <i>every</i> ball to him”, like I hadn’t thought of it myself, like I never spent my time on the rugby pitch testing the opposition defence for weakness, like the T-Rexes testing the fences in Jurassic Pork.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NSBJWWD7VBE4VGBJUHJQB4S3DM","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783596},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, I’ve got this, Réaltín”, and I return his serve, aiming the ball straight at him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ADQEXGJVXFFL7CC3OZ4YH677CQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783597},"content":"He pulls a winning shot out of nowhere – and I’m going to have to say fair focks here – jumping to one side and, in the same movement, sending the ball back with an unbelievable backhand and now it’s 30-30. It costs him a lot, though. He literally howls in pain.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZOVU7IURMZDKLGVMQPRAYPJEY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783598},"content":"“My mother has arthritis”, Réaltín tells him across the net. “She’s in a wheelchair.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"W2VOE7GZJZFRPJZGZPMQ3ZECRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783599},"content":"Which is horseshit. She told me the woman teaches yogalates three mornings a week in Ashgrove Industrial Estate and she finished fourth in the Women’s Mini Marathon – which, by the way, made her a “focking loser” in Réaltín’s eyes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OQAWIXH465FPZFJZ6ZEM7LZHAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783600},"content":"“Don’t let her inside your head,” Lisa tells him. “Just focus on the next point.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7MCJP2IV2FHVNDJYUV2SZ3WEKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783601},"content":"The dude serves and I’m just about to send the ball back across the net to him when Réaltín suddenly steps in front of me and steals the shot from me, hitting the ball with a force that almost blows a hole in the back wall.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RGJ2UMG2WJCWVKJ5EJXBY7RZVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783602},"content":"I’m like, “I had that, Réaltín”, but she tells me to grow up.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JZOISHRO5BAJNFJ44PTF5L7ODQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783603},"content":"She’s like, “It’s match-focking-point – what’s your problem?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLDHUOBHNVEZHGXSZCWCXK7K3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783604},"content":"I’m there, “I’ve no problem – ” but then I stop because I notice I’m suddenly struggling to catch my breath.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OPJOPSLFMBB3VFA4I4RAWTTHKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783605},"content":"“Wait”, I go as Thor prepares to serve. “Just give me… a second here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VAGFOUJYQJBM3KFIFRUVDMKBKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783606},"content":"Lisa’s there, “Don’t give him a second”, because she’s an animal and I’m saying that as a compliment to the woman. “Show them no mercy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4V4IKJCY5VFDVGFCB456LR3B7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783607},"content":"“The fock is wrong with you?” Réaltín goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7KD2DTIWXBBUFKGR2S3CISL6AA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783608},"content":"I’m there, “I’m having… palpitations.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z5GZHOXBCRFHVJBDO7W6A4OOSY","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783609},"content":"She goes, “It’s just adrenaline – you can smell victory”, like I haven’t been in a situation like this before, like I never won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup winners medal with Castlerock College, or kicked the conversion that stopped Seapoint Rugby Club from being relegated from Division 2B to Division 2C of the All Ireland League.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MBJKLJ2R5JDOBMAT3TNAK7SLIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783610},"content":"I’m there, “It’s not… adrenaline… I think I’m having… a hort attack”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZQQLY4MS7JG3VI66I7Y5Z2DJVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783611},"content":"Réaltín goes, “You are <i>not</i> having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it! Not now! Not after coming this far!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D7IGZU3BS5D2VELGIXX3FIFCEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783612},"content":"Lisa’s like, “Do you want to concede the match?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5WJGJYPUIZC65CYSJQD2DXXOHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783613},"content":"Réaltín’s there, “No, we don’t,” and then she glowers at me and goes, “I probably put a bit too much of the stuff in your smoothie.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YP7TLD33NVBDTIFNFLJETTNERA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783614},"content":"I’m like, “What <i>is</i>… the stuff?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZAIBQE2QVFSBEFO7LA2WXKSEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783615},"content":"“You don’t need to know that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S23QEU7AIFDPDJVVWGH3QSWCIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783616},"content":"“Réaltín, I’ve watched… enough hospital dramas… over the years… to know… that the first thing… they’ll ask me… in the emergency room… is what have I taken.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FCYVXH5M3RD3VIKKQZTVN466KQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783617},"content":"“Emergency room? Will you grow a pair. It’s just your hort rate.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AIDYIQS355AP7HTV3OQ5NNTKRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783618},"content":"Lisa goes, “Just serve it, Thor. If he’s having a hort attrack, that’s his tough shit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HC27S5HVWJCKVOKZJEJ6DD4UXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783619},"content":"Seriously, the Leinster Padel Championships make the Hunger Games look like Sports Day in Newpork Comprehensive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DO3N3NNKLVFF5EWDLOCVLBK22A","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783620},"content":"“Are you ready?” Thor goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQ4B64IOWNHFXFKUHYD7FA2U3U","additional_properties":{"_id":"IR57PTFXWBHQBJGQVRUIDUVRT4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"ENKIZCOCYFBOBHCUHM2DZVYXGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783621},"content":"Réaltín’s like, “Come on – for fock’s sake. Are you a winner or a loser?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5MBVPVXETFCWDLSWHR6UFYM45Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783622},"content":"I’m there, “I’m… a winner”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5T6MAW6XINH2NHGFLB67AEZBEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783623},"content":"And she goes, “Suck in some air then and prove it to me”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UZIB5HY5ZZFSRH3YJOOUHCC45A","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783624},"content":"Thor serves the ball and I return it and at the same time I move towards the net like a soldier chorging a machinegun nest. Thor gives the ball a fair old wallop but I’m right there to send it back. Lisa somehow manages to return it – high, as it happens. I jump up in the air with my racket above my head and I bring it down so hord that the ball hits the floor, then the back wall and finishes up on <i>our</i> side of the court?","type":"text"},{"_id":"HWUW3AKZPRCJPC4J6RPJGWSGRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783625},"content":"“Yeeeeees!” Réaltín goes, because we’ve won – we’re in the actual final.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IYWT5IQ6JFEVXIKXGI5XWXQCZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783626},"content":"And that’s when <i>the </i>most random thing happens. Réaltín wouldn’t be one for public displays of affection. As a matter of fact, I put an encouraging orm around her shoulder in one match and ten seconds later I was pinned to the floor face-down while she whispered in my ear, “You try that again, Weinstein, and you lose a testicle.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4AHET5QUFARNDBEWHKWQBDSFE","additional_properties":{"_id":"LURK6PIVSNA73KE4RIEHSXVABE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"ZASLEPI665A3PEQ6I7SXYE5MQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783627},"content":"But she throws her two orms around me and she pulls me close to her and she goes, “It’s fine – you can hug me back,” and I sort of, like, pat her back like I’m testing a hob for hotness.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55B3ETRGPVA2LBHAGKSSEWPQOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783628},"content":"She’s like, “Hug me properly – we’re in the final,” so I just go with it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4TKVA22KGNCCJHDYCTF4SXNKYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783629},"content":"We end up standing there for, like, a full minute, or maybe even two. Thor and Lisa have focked off and we’re still standing there, holding each other like – I want to say – <i>lovers</i>?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MBCS4DJHQFBPNOARKCAH22A4CQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783630},"content":"I listen to Réaltín sort of, like, sobbing to herself, then I go, “Hey, come on – we’ve still got a final to win.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6AAS3U2EUNDJBLZDF4TID7E7VE","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783631},"content":"In that moment, I open my eyes and I’m suddenly having palpitations again. Because over her shoulder, I can see a figure standing about twenty feet away from us and I can see that it’s Sorcha.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WIPXTZDJOREWBDAV3MBS57PROA","additional_properties":{"_id":1711360783632},"content":"“So,” she goes, “this is what you’ve been getting up to behind my back.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: Seriously, the Leinster Padel Championships make the Hunger Games look like Sports Day in Newpork Comprehensive"},"display_date":"2024-03-30T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘You are not having a hort attack! 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Then I stort the cor and I point it in the direction of – yeah, no – Dublin.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R62EBD5CDFF3ZPPBKPAF7NEAEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656016},"content":"She’s in an absolutely fouler. She’s like, “How many hours is that I’ve done?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N6GJG6TAXFEO7JSG3F3C6RCTAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656017},"content":"I’m there, “Er, I think it’s, like, around <i>30</i>?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RAMU5HO5IVC27B5ZBGJXKRVDEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656018},"content":"“And how many hours do I have left?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JEFF5CNXNVA3VKUJZ2VSMHX2LY","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656019},"content":"“I wouldn’t be the best at maths, Honor, but I’m thinking maybe 470 – <i>somewhere</i> in that ballpork?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JDVF5PQ7P5B6VF2VDMSHHWZGLA","additional_properties":{"_id":"USLNSLIZOZA2BCHZ2W4EFDR37M"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-55516","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"RV3K3VOEXFH75E3PESNKIPPR2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656020},"content":"“For fock’s sake.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2DY4YLA5MVA4TAI7TM4Q67RBRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656021},"content":"“No one likes manual labour, Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HV5QBMSVPVCT5E7GWP7JSS7QNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656022},"content":"“Can Hennessy not get me out of this?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PEKLPRHHPJHUVLBR57VSYRCMQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656023},"content":"“Hennessy did get you out of it. You got community service instead of prison.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YZ26NEYEN5BULF5SXXFYXNE3VU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656024},"content":"“I think I’d rather have gone to prison.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PPPWY6KKCNACHMZZDN5ULJ3DW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656025},"content":"“Don’t say that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5Z7AHR2M4RAE3OXXVLRCNDWP4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656026},"content":"“I mean it. And just so you know, I’m mixing with all sorts while I’m doing this so-called community service. There’s a girl I was picking up litter with today and she’s a drug dealer. She gave me her number.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KKZY3ZYN4ZEOVOBLRLWMMOOAX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656027},"content":"“Why did she give you her number?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MSEIGCKWTFCXTDF3YJJ6JNLVME","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656028},"content":"“She wants me to meet her – in Bray.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOAZDBVBGFHWHFTR5QFTT7PNQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656029},"content":"“You wouldn’t go to Bray. You were curled up in the footwell, having a panic attack, when we went through the Loughlinstown roundabout this morning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TS4PXQI4IFGFDARIVXCQJOGFE4","additional_properties":{"_id":"7MWBZOGJ25FAJC7HUHVYCFDZTY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"5KFGPWLA55H2BLM37P2IDTLMYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656030},"content":"“Well, I just want you to know that if I end up getting sucked into a life of crime, it’s because you didn’t do your job as a father in protecting me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BCYMFQMM5VDIHACQ66DFYYBQDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656031},"content":"“Honor, sometimes we have to do things in life that we don’t want to do.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ITRBGOSFPBBPJFMJYSMWMBY2QA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656032},"content":"“Er, this is the first <i>I’m</i> hearing about it?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F55NQR3C2BFUFMSOM4YA3ZOQAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656033},"content":"“Well, it’s true. There are times when we have to just suck it up – and this is one of those – oh, fock it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ERX7PYKOMZAFBF5PCQBWGFL4BE","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656034},"content":"“What’s wrong?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3ZT4OS366NGO3EVTQG7SYWBQUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656035},"content":"“The Feds are behind us. He’s flashing his lights at me to pull in.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KXZM4G6T3RDQ5N5DLV22TRIVH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656036},"content":"“What speed were you doing?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KHEWPYHMKBAD7KIOILZFRDNP4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656037},"content":"“A hundred-and-something. Fock, if I get any more points on my licence, I’m off the road.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7NQPGKX5PZHVJIRP2ENGN3O2H4","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656038},"content":"“Can’t you just put your foot down and outrun him?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCDULUSLK5A7DCJYA5VATC45TE","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656039},"content":"“<i>Outrun</i> him? God, I really am worried about the company you’re keeping. Anyway, they’ll have seen my licence plate by now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7UJ4T5JMQVFQFMDJDLANFTTKAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656040},"content":"The dude turns on his siren and flashes me some more, so I end up pulling into the hord shoulder – no choice in the matter – then I turn around to Honor and I’m like, “Leave the talking to me, okay? Gift of the gab and blah, blah, blah.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"45QO3NE54FAUFL2MZQUYVZEOKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656041},"content":"Twenty seconds later, there’s a gorda standing at my door. I open the window halfway and go, “What seems to be the problem, gord?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FUW5Q6EFGBFI3DBXIJJOV3QWCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656042},"content":"He’s like, “You were doing 138km/h.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SV2FNHZQX5HYXFSU4TDOICZ7IY","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656043},"content":"I’m there, “Was it that much? And what’s the speed limit in these ports?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MBAWB7CHI5D6TB7KEJEDBIKKWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656044},"content":"He goes, “It’s a lot less than 138km/h per hour. Can I see your licence please?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IILPTG6N6VGVNDZBHX7NSLOTNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656045},"content":"Honor’s like, “Dad, just drive off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LOI5SHADTFHYVBYRPW24R4MP3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656046},"content":"I watch the dude’s eyes go wide.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FQ5PRKIPC5EUHII5UVGZXCKM6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656047},"content":"I’m there, “She’s been hanging around with a bad crowd – on the instructions of a judge,” and I reach into my pocket and whip out my wallet. “There’s my driving licence,” and I hand it to him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCRABN6CX5B5FDOXEW2ISTIZIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656048},"content":"He looks at my name, then at my boat race. Then he says <i>the</i> most random thing. He’s like, “Do I know you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"D3LGVXOL3RCLJK4BWJ5BIBBGNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656049},"content":"Honor’s there, “He already has nine penalty points, so it’s possible you’ve pulled him over before.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AF5E7F6FXJBWPHJQ2NKAWLWKVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656050},"content":"I like, “Honor, I told you to stay out of this.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWBMXWXARFGD5EOJCYEVDPOEZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656051},"content":"“Did you play football?” the dude goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HPH2BOAEAVGKXITUGLA237E4EM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656052},"content":"I’m there, “Definitely focking not,” disgusted that anyone could think me capable of that.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T3ZVWXH5ERFPFOM6AAVDU5VRJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656053},"content":"He’s like, “You did. You played football for Rathnew.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KFGUERJNDJACPGKZ3GENODNQSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656054},"content":"I’m there, “I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKPFFAKUGVDVNE24LBR7K5S5VA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656055},"content":"“You’re a ringer for a fella that did.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XXPVCXOWI5BTTPMLDUULV7LI7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656056},"content":"“Well, I can’t help that – but I resent the allegation.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JDMU4PSY2JE2VNFLYQ6KAOGCCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656057},"content":"He stares at me for a good 20 seconds, then he goes, “I’ll be back in a moment,” and he takes my licence back to his cor to – I don’t know – run a check on it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VZAQKR4RV5DQ7JK6PV2THK2FVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656058},"content":"Honor goes, “Oh my God, are you thick? He’s trying to let you off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6HAQC6ZQ5CXNEDYIPNSANMRVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656059},"content":"I’m there, “Excuse me?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"T4QY5JDPIRCONJLKXJDZRGKHQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656060},"content":"“When a gord asks if you played Gaelic football, it’s code – like when a barrister tells a judge that his client went to a rugby school. It’s a way of saying, ‘Hey, we’re all on the same side here.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OVADAT6GA5GWDMNKBGRKP2NQL4","additional_properties":{"_id":"RGRTJHV4HVD2DI5YJ43F7VHGCQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"Y7CVL3IT2BDFDJHW4ZNRTSNXUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656061},"content":"“I’m not telling him I played Gaelic football, Honor.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FBZDEK3OIVF33P5UOIRPXFCW4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656062},"content":"“What, you’d rather lose your licence, would you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3RSZZBLJNVBXNJE6F5B2GJIRWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656063},"content":"She does have a point.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ONKBYXS2NEFVNSUXG55I3TDDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656064},"content":"I’m there, “I’m not sure I could even get the words out.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4DLJOWADOJE6PNSA2BVCQV4ZXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656065},"content":"She goes, “What was that you were saying to me about having to do things in life that we don’t want to do? About having to suck things up?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MKT3AQJSEBDGHHT7RJ2PL3BZ6U","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656066},"content":"“There are exceptions to that rule.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OSTDQUISF5GHHAECVF3L5GIWDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656067},"content":"“Dad, I’ve just spent eight hours cleaning a beach – do you want to know some of the things I had to pick up with my hands?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YJO6IGO3ZFAHBGEXDUYKXD2CMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656068},"content":"“Not really, no.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZANDLDI4FBH5IPYBA5ARBYGAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656069},"content":"“If I can do that, then you can say that you played Gaelic football.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PC3C4PTLQJFFHEP4TUJPRRJ24E","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656070},"content":"“Where even <i>is</i> Rathnew?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7GONPH4T3RGJ3ISJ2WLL34KZIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656071},"content":"“Who focking cares? Just tell him you played football for them. Then he’ll go, ‘They’re doing well this year – might go all the way,’ or he’ll go, ‘They’re doing shit,’ and then he’ll tell you to watch your speed in future. Dad, this is how Ireland works.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MVFKSENHRFBTDPYZQNM76AVCYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656072},"content":"I’m there, “Fine – whatever.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7Q67AA27XRBTHMH6OYO2ULZ5SI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656073},"content":"Thirty seconds later, the dude is back at my window. He hands me my licence and he goes, “You know you already have nine penalty points?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V3DHMMCTUBAXNE4GKG4B5AILOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656074},"content":"I’m there, “How are they getting on this season?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SEKTEC2K4BBIZGJAO2FNV6HA6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656075},"content":"He goes, “Who?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CBMRZIT3RBHDLE7UFD4OXNCTF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656076},"content":"“Yeah, no, Rathnew. Because do you remember you asked me a minute ago whether I played for them or not – ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BTJMO6HULRB5FGWPAGVYTACXQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656077},"content":"He smiles at me. He goes, “It <i>was</i> you! I knew it! I never forget a face!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LDOQNJLXXBAERDEQ64NXQNV6DI","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656078},"content":"But then I suddenly hear myself go, “No, it wasn’t me. I’ve never played Gaelic football in my life. I hate the thing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"B6CUEMUJAJH3HJQGUVBN3SH25M","additional_properties":{"_id":1710841656079},"content":"And Honor leans forward in her seat and goes, “Do you know anywhere around here that sells Leap Cords?”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}},"name":"Ross O'Carroll-Kelly"}]},"description":{"basic":"The gorda is about to do me for speeding, but some things are more important than avoiding a driving ban"},"display_date":"2024-03-23T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Ross O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. 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I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?","type":"text"},{"_id":"QD67ZJ2NJZAONLGWIKZ3KL7VBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158672},"content":"The Bridge is rammers tonight and I’m thinking it’s possible I missed them, so I do a second circuit of the place, but – yeah, no – it’s definitely just me. And now I’m totally paranoid, wondering did I definitely say tonight? But then I remember that I did. The night before Ireland play Scotland is what I told them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VIZNGJSH2RF27BKRQTYNJGVQEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158673},"content":"It’s a special weekend. On Sunday, it will be 25 years to the day since I led Castlerock College to victory in the Leinster Schools Senior Cup, which is why I decided to arrange a bit of a reunion tonight. I thought, what better way to mork the occasion than to get all of the goys together to talk about old times?","type":"text"},{"_id":"TWX6DU75YZEWJK5SA7XHXIGT6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158674},"content":"I have with me a folder full of newspaper clippings about our exploits – although mostly mine. I also have the full final on DVD and I’m going to ask Jamie Heaslip to throw it on later, although he’ll probably say no, given that it was Newbridge College that we beat in the final.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EOV5BUKFVJE4TOHLKT7KCEDYKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158675},"content":"Sorry, where is everyone?","type":"text"},{"_id":"REGZU24VCJFUDJIBIRRZP4W7EY","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158676},"content":"I put my folder down on the bor, open it and stort pulling out some of the orticles, which my old man cut out of the Times and the Indo back in the day. Gerry Thornley talking about my one-man demolition job of Blackrock College. Tony Ward writing about my scintillating – <i>his </i>word – display against Terenure College and telling his readers that they were going to be hearing a lot more about me in the future. Which still gives me goosebumps, even though it turned out to be horseshit – I was never heard of again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VJNMPFVBOVGMPOYXKXGGV7FWQI","additional_properties":{"_id":"67534ZK7WNFVNGW3RH26YWI4NA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"7ICTLYXWDVC4LHLDA3SRAIT3AY","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158677},"content":"“Have you brought your old clippings in again, Ross?” a voice goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQFR2Q7CXVBR7ILEVJQH2UAL4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158678},"content":"I look up and it’s Heaslip. He’s standing behind the bor, pulling a pint.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WYKBXDD47RAXDDIHVHECGFIJX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158679},"content":"I’m there, “Yeah, no, we’re having a bit of get-together tonight – the Castlerock College Class of 1999”, and I show him Thornley’s report on the final with a photograph of me holding aloft the famous soup tureen while Mary McAleese looks on.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6P7HD7YFT5G4DDPRS2JZ7TNVLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158680},"content":"“I’ve seen it before,” he goes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CWDA5GUTWVETTFAPK6N6WCYMV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158681},"content":"Yeah, no, I’ve had the folder in the pub more than once.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TOLLX2CTBVD5VNUSDLVP6XCUCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158682},"content":"I’m there, “Dude, when the goys get here, is there any chance I could throw on the DVD of – ?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WG6B64FOWFCM5PQVIP52WBALMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158683},"content":"He goes, “No – there’s no chance.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OBDZUZHB2VD7DO6QTWY454QQKA","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158684},"content":"I told you. Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam, one Try of the Decade and twice a Lion – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UYYNT5ZLBVGZLNER6DXN3XHTOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158685},"content":"Seriously, where the fock is everyone? It’s, like, half-eight now and there’s still no sign of them. And that’s when I stort to remember the reaction when I did the ring-around a week ago. Most of them had no idea that the 25th anniversary was even coming up. One or two of them – if you can believe this – said they had zero interest in rugby now. Three or four others said they lived in Australia or Abu Dhabi or the States now, and it wasn’t the kind of thing they’d consider coming home for.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LDUXSAWBNBFLD3L2RAV2HD5RA","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158686},"content":"Even JP – who was probably the best full-back in the country back in the day – went, “Is it really something that you consider worth celebrating?” and the sense that I got from him – and from a few of the others – was that our achievement somehow means nothing just because we had to give our medals back for doping.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DPFEURE2IRBVHMT7PWS7PUQGMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158687},"content":"I order another pint. Half-eight turns to nine o’clock, then nine o’clock to half-nine, and I’m still standing here on my Tobler. That’s when the penny finally drops that no one else is coming and I decide to hit the road. I still have <i>some</i> pride?","type":"text"},{"_id":"DXYFR7DIGFBGNMRQ4NPKKRKFH4","additional_properties":{"_id":"TVVVSB4NL5GBJNIPUWSSQUDYWA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"QY55GU6OWVCPRNZQBCQPHLJ4ZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1710170113373},"content":"I step outside the pub and I whip out my phone and ring JP. It goes straight to voicemail. I leave him a message and it’s a real stinker.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4KW2UECA2JFXNB6C4TX6SVHSYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158689},"content":"I’m like, “Whatever happened to ‘Castlerock boys are we, there is nothing that we fear, bold and courageous we morch, danger will never faze us’? Do those words mean nothing to you now? Clearly not. Because if they did, then you’d be here.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LTE6VC45WZGRTP4EY4D4TOVU2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158690},"content":"I actually think I’m a bit jorred.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XGDOAZUGYZFRDJFU6MK3CTS5O4","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158691},"content":"I’m there, “Poor Fr Fehily would be rotating in his grave if he saw the turnout tonight. Actually, there <i>was </i>no turnout. I was it. The only member of the famous Castlerock College one-in-a-row team who thinks it’s worth celebrating the quarter-century anniversary. You’re a focking disgrace and you’re not worthy of the graduation ring that you wear on your finger.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G7BUZGFNRZAMDBQGI333OKWGJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1710170113377},"content":"I think it’s a combination of knocking back four pints in quick succession and the cold night air, but I’m suddenly on a roll.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVTASYACABEW3DMJOKI3YS7B4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158693},"content":"I’m there, “You were always jealous of me. And I’m not just talking about you. I’m talking about all the goys. You couldn’t stand it that I was the one who always got the headlines. You couldn’t bear it that I was the one that Wardy predicted great things for in the game. Let’s be honest here – I carried the rest of you. And you were the biggest passenger of all.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AX2GZQSO2ZBZJCMIP5ZPNRH5OY","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158694},"content":"All of a sudden, my phone storts beeping. I take it away from my ear and – yeah, no – it’s a call from JP. So I kill the call to his voicemail and I answer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UJMJ5UDZCFHDPMSD2M2PUA5KWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158695},"content":"He goes, “Dude, where are you?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QF5TPZWVJRFGBIJXL22NDL2HTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158696},"content":"I’m there, “I could ask you the same focking question.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VYIVH6LDEBGVXFLN5MDZ5WLZNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158697},"content":"“Dude, we’re all here – there’s, like, 17 of us.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4O4YC46MVJHPPBH3XOLL4BVFX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158698},"content":"“I’ve just walked out of The Bridge and there’s no sign of you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TDHXQSWIE5CP5P6P3477KB54KA","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158699},"content":"“You said we were meeting in the Wicked Wolf.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3B7DUQYK2VBP7IXJGQ4PR5X6NY","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158700},"content":"Fock, I did say the Wicked Wolf – for old time’s sake.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDMRK5XULVA63EB37FVWROI7GM","additional_properties":{"_id":1709121158701},"content":"I’m there, “Er, bit of a communication mix-up. I’m on my way. 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