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strong enough to make my own decisions - Mental health
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type="application/ld+json">{"@context":"http://schema.org/","@type":"DiscussionForumPosting","@id":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions/","discussionUrl":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions/","mainEntityOfPage":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions/","url":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions/","accessMode":"auditory, tactile, textual, visual, textOnVisual","datePublished":"2024-10-09T15:03:42Z","dateModified":null,"headline":"strong enough to make my own decisions","articleBody":"<p>I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and a tendency towards unhealthy co-dependency.</p><p><br></p><p>The latter stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my mother - something I finally am beginning to address in therapy.</p><p><br></p><p>3 years ago, a romantic relationship ended that devastated me. It set me on a path to examine who, what, and why I AM. I did well. I use tools and my medication keeps me stable. I began a healthy relationship that was just not “the one” and it ended amicably after 7 months. I handled it well. I didn’t break. I knew I was ok alone (without a man). I had learned how to be, to be complete as I am. Even by setting boundaries with my mother during the period of reflection.</p><p><br></p><p>Unexpectedly I met a man shortly after that. It was healthy. We discussed misunderstandings maturely and made actual changes in the way we communicated. I’m 50 and felt safe for the first time in a decade or more. I was secure with myself and here was a teammate. He wasn’t trying to fit me in a box, or make me something. </p><p><br></p><p>5 months in, he became a little crazy, nasty text messages, overreacting to what had been easily resolved before. A cycle of every 4 weeks began. It was via text messages and the second time I went to him. I did the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. I looked him dead in the eyes, told him it was emotional abuse and it wasn’t ok. I set boundaries. He was receptive. I wanted to try. My family and friends supported me, but some expressed disapproval. (Not everyone in my life knows my mental health history). He went off the rails again 4 weeks later. What I am about to say is NOT an excuse, but he has severe and abusive childhood trauma. He had been in therapy and was going to go back, but hadn’t yet. He also was taking Cymbalta which changed his personality (drastically). He started taking Xanax which years prior he had as well and had this same cycle of crazy outbursts. (As told to me). These were under a Dr. prescription…</p><p><br></p><p>Over my past few years, I have learned that forgiveness is for me. I have learned to give people some grace. What he said during these times was unforgivable and I’ve said as much. (He projected on to all the people in his life. These attacks were not just on me). </p><p><br></p><p>There was a period of no contact. He began therapy. After several sessions he asked to see me, to talk to me. THIS is why I did:</p><p><br></p><p>Before I was diagnosed, I said some things, often. When I was manic I would attack those I loved. I said horrific things, I wished them dead in graphic detail. I cursed and called names. I placed blame. I was mentally ill, and he has unresolved trauma, compounded by a badly prescribed combination of drugs. He had become very sick and detoxed during his hospital stay. He sees a therapist weekly and is not on any medications. He even looks different, like he used to. His house is back to being immaculate, he works regularly again, he runs every night with his dog. His relationship with his daughter is on the mend from those same incidents. There is “someone” behind his eyes again.</p><p><br></p><p>I have agreed to “date” him. On my terms I’d like to try again. He understands it’s a long road. I understand what the onset of his abuse looks like. I discuss this with my therapist- try to ensure I walk away if I see the cycle begin.</p><p><br></p><p>Of course I’m met with disapproval, but I am confident that I can make this decision. </p><p>I came from a place of not knowing how to order in a restaurant without help from a boyfriend, friend, or my mother to choosing everything in MY OWN best interest. </p><p><br></p><p>I guess I’m looking for support in giving this man I love a chance to prove himself. I think this is a mature, right for ME, decision. How can I not give this chance when I received so many from inflicting the same pain on others once upon a time? If I can be well, why can’t he? I’m looking for months of consistency regarding changes he’s made. I am dating others and he knows I can’t commit, not now, not yet. Is it safe to trust myself?</p>","author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Itwillbeok-me","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"},"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","@id":"kg:/g/11g7zdf6gx","name":"Inspire","url":"https://www.inspire.com","naics":"519130","additionalType":["https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_health_communities%22","%22https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q210980"],"logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/p/AF1QipMwBXZHE-6QKo7bBWUG2BmvCNNBDQejirerHnP3=w1808-h768-k-no"}},"publishingPrinciples":"https://www.inspire.com/about/guidelines/","commentCount":3,"audience":{"@type":"Patient","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"},"comment":[{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-10-09T20:12:30Z","text":"<p>This is sometimes hard, especially when you are codependent, getting approval from others. It is almost like you don’t know how to trust. It takes a lot of patience to trust and make decisions, like I don’t know if I’m making the right decision then you go seek advice from others to make decisions, help make decisions . The fact about this codependency is sometimes very tricky to get out of. The first step in breaking out of codependency is to find your ability to trust again or sometimes you have to develop that skill to trust. In some cases people have an altered ability to trust due to some kind of trauma or other disability. The part of your brain that is responsible in processing information, aka decision making is limited in decision making. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"jakehoppe","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-10-09T20:32:14Z","text":"<p>Thank you. That makes sense. I think my new independent foundation was shaken by the turn of what I thought was finally a supportive relationship to what amounted to what I was always taught was “failure.” Mental health is always one step forward two steps back. I appreciate your perspective. This feedback is why I joined.</p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Itwillbeok-me","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-10-10T11:15:14Z","text":"<p>Need yourself and not others. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Zusuis","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}}]}</script><style ng-app-id="serverApp">.rbw-bar[_ngcontent-serverApp-c73380586]{padding:18px 20px;border-radius:28px;background:#f8f9fb;border:1px 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This is my first post and there's a lot of parts to the story that I need to inc... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="HarleyNTink"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-name"> HarleyNTink </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-stamp"> 2 Comments - Posted Aug 23 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/to-make-a-short-story-long/"> To make a short story long... </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-desc"> My life has been a series of failures, and after 30 years of it I’m feeling like I’m about... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="JaxNova"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-name"> JaxNova </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-stamp"> 13 Comments - Posted Aug 07 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/outsider-very-explicit-and-very-triggering/"> Outsider - very explicit and very triggering </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-desc"> Disclaimer: I’m about to open up about something publicly for the very first time in my li... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/ansvia/avatar/s" alt="ansvia"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-name"> ansvia </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-stamp"> 12 Comments - Posted Jul 25 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/depression-and-suiside/"> Depression and suiside </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-desc"> I have had a Ton of loss in my life. I grew up in a huge family and loss was always hard ... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/Theoneandonlybubba/avatar/s" alt="Theoneandonlybubba"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-name"> Theoneandonlybubba </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-stamp"> 0 Comments - Posted Feb 28 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-title" href="/m/briandbsa/journal/my-story-127/"> My Story </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-desc"> The following story is a true portrayal of my life since 1996. It is being written to giv... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/briandbsa/avatar/s" alt="briandbsa"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-name"> briandbsa </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="rpw-stamp"> 1 Comments - Posted Oct 16 </div></div><!----></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="wp-foot"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1195444802 class="wp-link"> View more </a><!----><!----></div></section><!----></ins-related-post><!----></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c4271925896 class="widget-box"><!----><ins-community-topics _ngcontent-serverapp-c4271925896 _nghost-serverapp-c1881580236><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="widget-pack community-topics-widget"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="wp-head"><h3 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id="community-topic-3" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/anxiety-and-phobias/">Anxiety and phobias</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-4" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/bipolar-disorder/">Bipolar disorder</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-5" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/childrens-mental-health/">Children's mental health</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-6" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/co-dependency/">Co-dependency</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-7" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/depression/">Depression</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-8" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/eating-disorders/">Eating disorders</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-9" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/grief-and-bereavement/">Grief and bereavement</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-10" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/">Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-11" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/personality-disorders/">Personality disorders</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a 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href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/dissociative-identity-disorder/">Dissociative Identity Disorder</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-17" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/self-injury/">Self-injury</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-18" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/suicide/">Suicide</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-19" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/wellness-and-overall-health/">Wellness and overall health</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-20" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/other-issues/">Other issues</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-21" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/access-to-treatment/">Access to treatment</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-22" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/family-and-caregivers/">Family and caregivers</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-23" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/teens-and-young-adults/">Teens and young adults</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-24" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/coping-with-the-stigma-of-mental-illness/">Coping with the stigma of mental illness</a></li><!----></ul></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 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id="post-title-link"> strong enough to make my own decisions </a></h1><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 class="pb-head"><ins-post-head _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 _nghost-serverapp-c1585460719><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1585460719 class="pb-profile"><ins-member-avatar _ngcontent-serverapp-c1585460719 class="pb-avatar" _nghost-serverapp-c3637496220><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3637496220 id="post-avatar-link" class="member-avatar-container"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c3637496220 id="post-avatar" class="member-avatar-block"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3637496220><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c3637496220 loading="lazy" id="post-avatar-image" src="/api/member/Itwillbeok-me/avatar/m"><!----></div><!----></figure><!----></div><!----></ins-member-avatar><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1585460719 class="pb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1585460719 class="pb-username" id="post-author-name-link"> Itwillbeok-me </a><!----><!----><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1585460719 id="post-date" class="pb-stamp"> Oct 9, 2024 • 3:03 PM <!----></div><!----></div></div></ins-post-head><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 class="pb-ortho no-print"><app-bookmark _ngcontent-serverapp-c4271925896 bookmarkwrapper _nghost-serverapp-c233444020><ins-bookmark _ngcontent-serverapp-c233444020 id="bookmark" _nghost-serverapp-c228830071><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c228830071 class="bookmark-component-block"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c228830071 class="bcb-btn"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c228830071 class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#bookmark-o"/></svg></ins-svg-icon><!----></a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c228830071 class="bcb-tooltip">Sign in or join to bookmark</div><!----></div><!----><!----></ins-bookmark></app-bookmark><!----><!----><ins-ellipsis-menu _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 _nghost-serverapp-c2062330557><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 id="ellipsis-icon" class="ellipsis-more"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 id="ellipses_menu_btn" class="em-btn"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 icontype="more" class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#more"/></svg></ins-svg-icon></a><!----></div><!----></div><!----></ins-ellipsis-menu><!----></div></div><!----><!----><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 class="pb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor id="post-snippet" class="pb-desc"><p>I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and a tendency towards unhealthy co-dependency.</p><p><br></p><p>The latter stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my mother - something I finally am beginning to address in therapy.</p><p><br></p><p>3 years ago, a romantic relationship ended that devastated me. It set me on a path to examine who, what, and why I AM. I did well. I use tools and my medication keeps me stable. I began a healthy relationship that was just not “the one” and it ended amicably after 7 months. I handled it well. I didn’t break. I knew I was ok alone (without a man). I had learned how to be, to be complete as I am. Even by setting boundaries with my mother during the period of reflection.</p><p><br></p><p>Unexpectedly I met a man shortly after that. It was healthy. We discussed misunderstandings maturely and made actual changes in the way we communicated. I’m 50 and felt safe for the first time in a decade or more. I was secure with myself and here was a teammate. He wasn’t trying to fit me in a box, or make me something. </p><p><br></p><p>5 months in, he became a little crazy, nasty text messages, overreacting to what had been easily resolved before. A cycle of every 4 weeks began. It was via text messages and the second time I went to him. I did the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. I looked him dead in the eyes, told him it was emotional abuse and it wasn’t ok. I set boundaries. He was receptive. I wanted to try. My family and friends supported me, but some expressed disapproval. (Not everyone in my life knows my mental health history). He went off the rails again 4 weeks later. What I am about to say is NOT an excuse, but he has severe and abusive childhood trauma. He had been in therapy and was going to go back, but hadn’t yet. He also was taking Cymbalta which changed his personality (drastically). He started taking Xanax which years prior he had as well and had this same cycle of crazy outbursts. (As told to me). These were under a Dr. prescription…</p><p><br></p><p>Over my past few years, I have learned that forgiveness is for me. I have learned to give people some grace. What he said during these times was unforgivable and I’ve said as much. (He projected on to all the people in his life. These attacks were not just on me). </p><p><br></p><p>There was a period of no contact. He began therapy. After several sessions he asked to see me, to talk to me. THIS is why I did:</p><p><br></p><p>Before I was diagnosed, I said some things, often. When I was manic I would attack those I loved. I said horrific things, I wished them dead in graphic detail. I cursed and called names. I placed blame. I was mentally ill, and he has unresolved trauma, compounded by a badly prescribed combination of drugs. He had become very sick and detoxed during his hospital stay. He sees a therapist weekly and is not on any medications. He even looks different, like he used to. His house is back to being immaculate, he works regularly again, he runs every night with his dog. His relationship with his daughter is on the mend from those same incidents. There is “someone” behind his eyes again.</p><p><br></p><p>I have agreed to “date” him. On my terms I’d like to try again. He understands it’s a long road. I understand what the onset of his abuse looks like. I discuss this with my therapist- try to ensure I walk away if I see the cycle begin.</p><p><br></p><p>Of course I’m met with disapproval, but I am confident that I can make this decision. </p><p>I came from a place of not knowing how to order in a restaurant without help from a boyfriend, friend, or my mother to choosing everything in MY OWN best interest. </p><p><br></p><p>I guess I’m looking for support in giving this man I love a chance to prove himself. I think this is a mature, right for ME, decision. How can I not give this chance when I received so many from inflicting the same pain on others once upon a time? If I can be well, why can’t he? I’m looking for months of consistency regarding changes he’s made. I am dating others and he knows I can’t commit, not now, not yet. Is it safe to trust myself?</p></div><!----><!----></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 class="pb-condition"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 id="community-link" class="pb-community" href="/groups/mental-health-america"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 loading="lazy" src="/resources-design/groups/mental-health-america/logo.png"><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327>Mental Health America</span><!----></a><!----><!----></div><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 id="post-footer-container" class="pb-foot no-print"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3309694327 class="pb-share"><app-share-post _ngcontent-serverapp-c4271925896 modalid="discussion" _nghost-serverapp-c491965665 id="share-post-disc-15054149573102499490"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c491965665 class="share-post-component"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c491965665 class="spc-action href-link"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c491965665 icontype="share" class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg 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now</a></div></section><!----><!----></app-call-to-action-prompt><!----><article _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 observeelement class="reply-listing-section"><!----><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="5194691961285657062" data-tracking-id="5194691961285657062"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 _nghost-serverapp-c73380586><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="reply-block-wrapper"><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-name">jakehoppe </a><!----><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-stamp">Oct 9, 2024 • 8:12 PM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="prb-stamp"><!----><!----></div><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>This is sometimes hard, especially when you are codependent, getting approval from others. It is almost like you don’t know how to trust. It takes a lot of patience to trust and make decisions, like I don’t know if I’m making the right decision then you go seek advice from others to make decisions, help make decisions . The fact about this codependency is sometimes very tricky to get out of. The first step in breaking out of codependency is to find your ability to trust again or sometimes you have to develop that skill to trust. In some cases people have an altered ability to trust due to some kind of trauma or other disability. The part of your brain that is responsible in processing information, aka decision making is limited in decision making. </p></div><!----><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rbw-foot">3 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 _nghost-serverapp-c3231726634><!----><!----><!----><!----></ins-photo-carousel><!----></section></div><!----></div></ins-anon-reply><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----></section><!----><!----><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="17050696354573931062" data-tracking-id="17050696354573931062"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 _nghost-serverapp-c73380586><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="reply-block-wrapper"><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-name">Itwillbeok-me </a><!----><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-stamp">Oct 9, 2024 • 8:32 PM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="prb-stamp"><!----><!----></div><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>Thank you. That makes sense. I think my new independent foundation was shaken by the turn of what I thought was finally a supportive relationship to what amounted to what I was always taught was “failure.” Mental health is always one step forward two steps back. I appreciate your perspective. This feedback is why I joined.</p></div><!----><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rbw-foot">3 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 _nghost-serverapp-c3231726634><!----><!----><!----><!----></ins-photo-carousel><!----></section></div><!----></div></ins-anon-reply><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----></section><!----><!----><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="8530336774204703226" data-tracking-id="8530336774204703226"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 _nghost-serverapp-c73380586><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="reply-block-wrapper"><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-name">Zusuis </a><!----><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rhb-stamp">Oct 10, 2024 • 11:15 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="prb-stamp"><!----><!----></div><!----><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>Need yourself and not others. </p></div><!----><!----><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 class="rbw-foot">1 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c73380586 _nghost-serverapp-c3231726634><!----><!----><!----><!----></ins-photo-carousel><!----></section></div><!----></div></ins-anon-reply><!----><!----><!----><!----><!----><app-inspire-ad _ngcontent-serverapp-c2871688613 class="inspire-ad-replies" _nghost-serverapp-c3229238076><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3229238076 class="post-block-ad"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3229238076 class="inspire-reply-ads pba-body" id="interstitial-ad-300x250-post-reply-3"></div><div 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enable JavaScript to continue using this application.</noscript><script src="/inspire-web/runtime.37decc6049e89bb7.js" type="module"></script><script src="/inspire-web/main.0d07b69c752ec29c.js" type="module"></script> <script id="serverApp-state" type="application/json">{"environment":"live","platformID":2,"getWhoAmI":"anon","getDiscussion":{"status":"success","data":{"post":{"id":"15054149573102499490","tracking_id":"15054149573102499490","slug":"disc-d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions/","title":"strong enough to make my own decisions","content":"\u003Cp>I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and a tendency towards unhealthy co-dependency.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The latter stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my mother - something I finally am beginning to address in therapy.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>3 years ago, a romantic relationship ended that devastated me. It set me on a path to examine who, what, and why I AM. I did well. I use tools and my medication keeps me stable. I began a healthy relationship that was just not “the one” and it ended amicably after 7 months. I handled it well. I didn’t break. I knew I was ok alone (without a man). I had learned how to be, to be complete as I am. Even by setting boundaries with my mother during the period of reflection.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Unexpectedly I met a man shortly after that. It was healthy. We discussed misunderstandings maturely and made actual changes in the way we communicated. I’m 50 and felt safe for the first time in a decade or more. I was secure with myself and here was a teammate. He wasn’t trying to fit me in a box, or make me something. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>5 months in, he became a little crazy, nasty text messages, overreacting to what had been easily resolved before. A cycle of every 4 weeks began. It was via text messages and the second time I went to him. I did the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. I looked him dead in the eyes, told him it was emotional abuse and it wasn’t ok. I set boundaries. He was receptive. I wanted to try. My family and friends supported me, but some expressed disapproval. (Not everyone in my life knows my mental health history). He went off the rails again 4 weeks later. What I am about to say is NOT an excuse, but he has severe and abusive childhood trauma. He had been in therapy and was going to go back, but hadn’t yet. He also was taking Cymbalta which changed his personality (drastically). He started taking Xanax which years prior he had as well and had this same cycle of crazy outbursts. (As told to me). These were under a Dr. prescription…\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Over my past few years, I have learned that forgiveness is for me. I have learned to give people some grace. What he said during these times was unforgivable and I’ve said as much. (He projected on to all the people in his life. These attacks were not just on me). \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>There was a period of no contact. He began therapy. After several sessions he asked to see me, to talk to me. THIS is why I did:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Before I was diagnosed, I said some things, often. When I was manic I would attack those I loved. I said horrific things, I wished them dead in graphic detail. I cursed and called names. I placed blame. I was mentally ill, and he has unresolved trauma, compounded by a badly prescribed combination of drugs. He had become very sick and detoxed during his hospital stay. He sees a therapist weekly and is not on any medications. He even looks different, like he used to. His house is back to being immaculate, he works regularly again, he runs every night with his dog. His relationship with his daughter is on the mend from those same incidents. There is “someone” behind his eyes again.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I have agreed to “date” him. On my terms I’d like to try again. He understands it’s a long road. I understand what the onset of his abuse looks like. I discuss this with my therapist- try to ensure I walk away if I see the cycle begin.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Of course I’m met with disapproval, but I am confident that I can make this decision. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I came from a place of not knowing how to order in a restaurant without help from a boyfriend, friend, or my mother to choosing everything in MY OWN best interest. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I guess I’m looking for support in giving this man I love a chance to prove himself. I think this is a mature, right for ME, decision. How can I not give this chance when I received so many from inflicting the same pain on others once upon a time? If I can be well, why can’t he? I’m looking for months of consistency regarding changes he’s made. I am dating others and he knows I can’t commit, not now, not yet. Is it safe to trust myself?\u003C/p>","updated":null,"created":"2024-10-09T15:03:42Z","reply_count":3,"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false,"active":"2024-10-10T11:15:14Z","cmnt_policy":"open","class":"disc","privacy":"public","muted":false,"solicit_ai":false,"author":{"nickname":"Itwillbeok-me","status":4,"avatar":{"large":"/assets/images/you-large.png","medium":"/assets/images/you.png","small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"join_date":"2024-10-09T14:15:50Z","site_roles":[],"is_followed":false,"city":null,"state":null,"__typename":"User"},"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","topics":[{"id":2244,"name_id":"co-dependency","name":"Co-dependency","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["hilljaleesam"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"__typename":"Post","files":[]}}},"getCommunity":{"data":{"address_1":"500 Montgomery Street","address_2":"Suite 820","adunit":"mental-health-america","assets":{"accent_color":"#005696","background_image":"","canvas_image":"https://www.inspire.com/resources-design/groups/mental-health-america/canvas_image.jpg","group_name_id":"mental-health-america","header_color":"#005696","iconnect_link":null,"logo_image":"https://www.inspire.com/resources-design/groups/mental-health-america/logo.png","partners":[{"donate":{"links":[]},"facebook":{"links":[]},"instagram":{"links":[]},"logo_image":"https://www.inspire.com/resources-design/partners/mental-health-america/logo.png","name":"Mental Health America","name_id":"mental-health-america","twitter":{"links":[],"feeds":[]},"url":"http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net"}]},"city":"Alexandria","conditions":["stroke","alzheimers-disease","drug-abuse","high-blood-pressure","mental-health","plastic-and-cosmetic-surgery","menopause","parkinsons-disease","depression","urinary-incontinence","erectile-dysfunction","alcoholism-and-alcohol-abuse","methamphetamine","anesthesia","anxiety","attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder","autism-spectrum-disorder","bereavement","child-abuse","child-behavior-disorders","cocaine","dementia","drowning","eating-disorders","traumatic-brain-injury","headache","learning-disorders","marijuana","menstruation","occupational-health","pain","phobias","poisoning","post-traumatic-stress-disorder","sexual-assault","schizophrenia","sleep-disorders","stress","suicide","taste-and-smell-disorders","teenage-pregnancy","tourette-syndrome","veterans-and-military-health","obsessive-compulsive-disorder","nausea-and-vomiting","noise","domestic-violence","miscarriage","rabies","family-issues","elder-abuse","disaster-preparation-and-recovery","hair-problems","child-safety","bipolar-disorder","panic-disorder","lead-poisoning","teen-health","health-problems-in-pregnancy","huntingtons-disease","postpartum-depression","creutzfeldt-jakob-disease","prader-willi-syndrome","porphyria","hypoglycemia","underage-drinking","tremor","sweat","teen-violence","quitting-smoking","pregnancy-and-substance-abuse","pet-health","sun-exposure","sexual-problems-in-women","mercury","memory","alcohol","alzheimers-caregivers","teen-development","assisted-living","divorce","wilson-disease","prescription-drug-abuse","trigeminal-neuralgia","tay-sachs-disease","ostomy","itching","talking-with-your-doctor","seasonal-affective-disorder","migraine","child-mental-health","homeless-health-concerns","stuttering","teen-mental-health","occupational-health-for-healthcare-providers","rural-health-concerns","child-sexual-abuse","premenstrual-syndrome","coping-with-disasters","bullying","lewy-body-disease","obesity-in-children","personality-disorders","antidepressants","psychotic-disorders","patient-rights","compulsive-gambling","preconception-care","pelvic-pain","arteriovenous-malformations","earthquakes","volcanoes","tornadoes","tsunamis","hurricanes","chest-pain","palliative-care","concussion","veterans-and-military-family-health","gun-safety","impaired-driving","postpartum-care","hair-loss","college-health","malnutrition","oil-spills","delirium","sexual-problems-in-men","mental-disorders","internet-safety","head-injuries","stroke-rehabilitation","chronic-pain","insomnia","mood-disorders","self-harm","hyperglycemia","hypothyroidism"],"cs_data":{"donate":{"links":[{"button_text":"Donate to Mental Health America","link":"http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/action/donate"}]},"extras":{"sections":[{"heading":"About this community","label":"More about this community","link":"/groups/mental-health-america/about/","prose":"The Mental Health America Support Community connects individuals who have a passion for mental wellness, prevention and early intervention. Those with lived experiences of mental health conditions, their loved ones, and community stakeholders are encouraged to use this space for support and inspiration."},{"heading":"Always consult your healthcare provider","label":"Always consult your healthcare provider","link":"/groups/mental-health-america/e1/","prose":"Inspire community discussions are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. Always consult your physician and do not rely on the information on this site when making decisions about your health. The content on Inspire is for information only and is not reviewed by medical professionals. Similarly, do not use Inspire to give medical advice. You may share information about your experiences, but do not play the role of a health professional (even if you are one). If you are experiencing an active crisis, please use the resources provided below. 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He is sharing his problems with an unrecognizable counselor.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_6nz6oM8P7kcyZpmdrzOXQm_7d8c433001119d9bae6e28ca16521294_What_is_Psychotherapy__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-psychotherapy","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-02-24","title":"What Is Psychotherapy?"},{"desc":"Caregivers of people who have a mental health disorder and tardive dyskinesia are at risk for their own health struggles. These steps can help.","imagetitle":"Parkinson and Alzheimer female senior elderly patient with caregiver in hospice care. Doctor hand with stethoscope check up older woman people. Old aging person seeing medical physician in hospital.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_01F6U0gQJsvl08LPkReOKm_c6e5fafbb152362f7878bcf9706a8c93_Caregiving_for_Tardive_Dyskinesia__Sm_.png","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/tardive-caregiving","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-05-31","title":"Caregiving for Tardive Dyskinesia"},{"desc":"More people are experiencing mental health issues like depression and anxiety during the COVID-19 pandemic. These tips can help you cope.","imagetitle":"A mother and her daughter are both wearing masks during the covid-19 pandemic.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_1sih9x1cNPqiBiuF5IA5ot_a88fdf20dca30229fb055a3aa5147bf6_Mental_Health_Pandemic_Masked_Mother_Daughter_Sm.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/mental-health-tips-pandemic","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-04-02","title":"6 Tips to Improve Mental Health During a Pandemic"},{"desc":"Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder that causes hallucinations and delusions. People with schizoaffective disorders also have depression or bipolar disorder.","imagetitle":"A psychiatrist is listening to a female patient explaining her experience with schizophrenia","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_5fUMf5OMnDBTLcEl7cVcLM_70d2d6878b9a0723c3c0f56252c32bf0_What_Is_Schizophrenia_Woman_Explaining_to_Psychologist__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-schizophrenia","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-06-15","title":"What Is Schizophrenia?"},{"desc":"Depression is a mood disorder that makes you feel hopeless, irritated, or withdrawn for weeks or years. Psychotherapy and antidepressants can help.","imagetitle":"Sad businessman sitting head in hands on the bed in the dark bedroom with low light environment, dramatic concept, vintage tone color","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_3dnvMq0LCXx3eWBeVfaEaL_7d8c2fbe9e0afa32fc448bd357034de2_What_Is_Depression__sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-depression","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-06-24","title":"What Is Depression?"},{"desc":"A panic attack is an episode of intense fear that comes on suddenly. Although it’s impossible to stop a panic attack once it begins, there are some things you can do to help manage the situation","imagetitle":"Woman in station having a panic attack covering face","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_38745h3I8acq4r4MyxdHAK_fc71a92f103b78d4038e568ff6b22e70_5_ways_to_manage_panic_attacks__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/ways-to-manage-panic-attacks","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-01-31","title":"5 Ways to Manage Panic Attacks"},{"desc":"Delusional disorders cause paranoia and false beliefs (delusions). For example, you may think people are plotting to hurt you or that they’re madly in love with you.","imagetitle":"Close up unhappy woman suffering from paranoia and delusional disorders, depressed young female sitting on couch alone, touching temples, feeling unwell","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_5q4VxQ5y0idLjktSPvUSPV_c676ffcd18870bb189936a34ded52f40_Paranoia_and_Delusional_Disorders__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/paranoia-delusional-disorders","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-08-31","title":"Paranoia and Delusional Disorders"},{"desc":"Mental conditions affect how you think, feel, and behave. Common mental illnesses include anxiety, depression, ADHD, eating disorders, and schizophrenia. ","imagetitle":"Young man with depression sits alone contemplating.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_2Ar7hBhFj5Sz5ExsnudtbZ_622e563faf43e357faab33c0db2e7d2f_5_Types_of_Mental_Disorders__sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/5-types-mental-disorders","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-03-16","title":"5 Types of Mental Health Conditions"},{"desc":"Grief is a normal response to a loss. Steps to cope with grief include talking to a therapist, honoring your loved one, and prioritizing your health.","imagetitle":"Two sad women embracing coping with grief","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_SC0Pj160kpAwA1VU1S4YL_e3ed42596a06ea6948fccde9c65662b4_TD_Coping_with_Grief__sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/coping-with-grief","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-09-27","title":"3 Ways to Cope With Grief"},{"desc":"Whether you have a mental disorder or need help coping with life stressors, mental health counseling can help. Use these 4 tips to find the right therapist.","imagetitle":"Unrecognizable female mental health professional and patient discuss the patient's issues. The doctor gestures while holding the patient's chart.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_4dyHgjpl4Vpi5k9G6Jfko8_368ce38cc96aa08132abc5157585f9c9_4_Tips_to_Find_the_Right_Therapist__Sm_.png","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/finding-therapist","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-05-27","title":"4 Tips to Find the Right Therapist"},{"desc":"People with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may be hyperactive, inattentive, or a mix of both. Medications and psychotherapy can help.","imagetitle":"Child writing Abbreviation ADHD on a blackboard. ADHD is Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_5oIULLehOVtQPmxv8wwSrt_cbd05b9a19d64be2ba93a0bdbf47af66_What_is_ADHD__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-adhd","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-03-10","title":"What Is ADHD?"},{"desc":"Many mental health conditions appear during childhood. Children and teens are more likely to develop ADHD, anxiety disorders, depression, and eating disorders.","imagetitle":"Young girl having a conversation with her doctor about her mental health","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_62GX0Sxus7rfcKim9gQk38_5138b3d98e77c3e38f5f9dad018580ba_Mental_Health_in_Children__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/mental-disorders-children","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-11-23","title":"4 Common Mental Conditions in Children"}],"desc":"Mental health is your state of emotional and psychological well-being. You may face challenges in your mental health at different stages of life. If these challenges continue to affect you over the long term, they may develop into mental health illnesses requiring medication, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Other disorders can arise as antipsychotic drug side effects, such as tardive dyskinesia.","imagetitle":"Doctor discussing mental health with tardive dyskinesia patient","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_1F58w7Dm7vSBX6V4H4x17S_3e5b29fa726fb702ce95f89a913067c3_Tardive_Dyskinesia_Treatment__OG_.jpg","pageid":"mental-health","title":"Mental Health"}],"state":"Virginia","topics":[{"description":null,"f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"LGBTQ+ health","name_id":"lgbtq-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"1","topic_id":"4040"},{"description":null,"f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"BIPOC health","name_id":"bipoc-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"2","topic_id":"4041"},{"description":"Alcohol and other drug abuse and addiction constitute major health and safety concerns. For people struggling with co-occurring mental health and substance abuse disorders, physical safety and overall health risks are greater. Treatment is proven to be effective, but very few who need it have access to and receive care.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Addiction and co-occurring disorders","name_id":"addiction-and-co-occurring-disorders","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"3","topic_id":"2240"},{"description":"Most people experience feelings of anxiety before an important event such as a big exam, business presentation or first date. Anxiety disorders, however, are illnesses that cause people to feel frightened, distressed and uneasy for no apparent reason. Left untreated, these disorders can dramatically reduce productivity and significantly diminish an individual's quality of life.\n\nPhobias are the most common form of anxiety disorders, and fall into three categories. Specific (simple) phobias are the most common and focus on specific objects. Social phobia causes extreme anxiety in social or public situations. And agoraphobia, which is the fear of being alone in public places from which there is no easy escape.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Anxiety and phobias","name_id":"anxiety-and-phobias","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"4","topic_id":"2241"},{"description":"Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is an illness involving one or more episodes of serious mania and depression. The illness causes a person's mood to swing from excessively high and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, with periods of a normal mood in between. More than 2 million Americans suffer from bipolar disorder.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Bipolar disorder","name_id":"bipolar-disorder","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"5","topic_id":"2242"},{"description":"Children are affected by a wide range of mental health issues, including ADD/ADHD, anxiety disorders, autism, bipolar disorder, bullying, conduct disorders, depression, and schizophrenia.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Children's mental health","name_id":"childrens-mental-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"6","topic_id":"2243"},{"description":"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as \"relationship addiction\" because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Co-dependency","name_id":"co-dependency","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"7","topic_id":"2244"},{"description":"Clinical depression is one of the most common mental illnesses, affecting more than 19 million Americans each year. Depression causes people to lose pleasure from daily life, can complicate other medical conditions, and can even be serious enough to lead to suicide. Unfortunately, though treatment for depression is almost always successful, fewer than half of those suffering from this illness seek treatment.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Depression","name_id":"depression","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"8","topic_id":"2245"},{"description":"People with eating disorders experience serious disturbances in their eating patterns, such as a severe and unhealthy reduction in their food intake or overeating, as well as extreme concern about body shape or weight. Eating disorders usually develop during adolescence or early adulthood. Eating disorders are not due to weak willpower or bad behavior; rather, they are real, treatable illnesses. The two main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Eating disorders","name_id":"eating-disorders","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"9","topic_id":"2246"},{"description":"The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Grief and bereavement","name_id":"grief-and-bereavement","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"10","topic_id":"2247"},{"description":"People with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) suffer intensely from recurrent unwanted thoughts (obsessions) or rituals (compulsions), which they feel they cannot control. Rituals, such as handwashing, counting, checking or cleaning, are often performed in hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these rituals, however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them increases anxiety. Left untreated, obsessions and the need to perform rituals can take over a person's life. OCD is often a chronic, relapsing illness.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)","name_id":"obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"11","topic_id":"2289"},{"description":"Those who struggle with a personality disorder have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands of life. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are \"normal\" or \"right,\" people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities. There are many types of help available for the different personality disorders. Treatment may include individual, group, or family psychotherapy. Medications, prescribed by a patient's physician, may also be helpful in relieving some of the symptoms of personality disorders, including problems with anxiety and perceptions.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Personality disorders","name_id":"personality-disorders","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"12","topic_id":"2248"},{"description":"","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Paranoia","name_id":"paranoia","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"13","topic_id":"3881"},{"description":"If you have gone through a traumatic experience, it is normal to feel lots of emotions, such as distress, fear, helplessness, guilt, shame or anger. You may start to feel better after days or weeks, but sometimes, these feelings don't go away. If the symptoms last for more than a month, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)","name_id":"post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"14","topic_id":"2249"},{"description":"About one in 100 people are affected with schizoaffective disorder. It has features that are similar to schizophrenia, depression and bipolar disorder. An individual with schizoaffective disorder will experience hallucinations, delusions and symptoms similar to other mood disorders.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Schizoaffective disorder","name_id":"schizoaffective-disorder","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"15","topic_id":"2760"},{"description":"Schizophrenia is a serious disorder which affects how a person thinks, feels and acts. 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They are of all races and backgrounds.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Self-injury","name_id":"self-injury","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"18","topic_id":"2251"},{"description":"A suicide attempt is a clear indication that something is gravely wrong in a person's life. No matter the race or age of the person; how rich or poor they are, it is true that most people who die by suicide have a mental or emotional disorder. The most common underlying disorder is depression; 30% to 70% of suicide victims suffer from major depression or bipolar (manic-depressive) disorder. If you think someone you know is considering suicide, trust your instincts that the person may be in trouble and get help. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center or dial 911 for immediate assistance.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Suicide","name_id":"suicide","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"19","topic_id":"2290"},{"description":"This topic covers general wellness and overall health -- managing stress, coping with day-to-day problems, work/life balance, improving your mental health, recovery and more.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Wellness and overall health","name_id":"wellness-and-overall-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"20","topic_id":"2252"},{"description":"Discuss mental health issues not covered by one of our other topics here.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Other issues","name_id":"other-issues","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"21","topic_id":"2253"},{"description":"Discuss issues related to access to treatment here, such as health insurance and Medicare/Medicaid. Share information and tips on getting access to the treatment you need.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Access to treatment","name_id":"access-to-treatment","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"22","topic_id":"2254"},{"description":"Caring for a family member or friend who is dealing with mental health issues can be overwhelming. This is your place to meet others who know what it's like, and share support and information.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Family and caregivers","name_id":"family-and-caregivers","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"23","topic_id":"2255"},{"description":"A place for teens and young adults to connect and share information and support. You're not alone!","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Teens and young adults","name_id":"teens-and-young-adults","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"24","topic_id":"2256"},{"description":"Despite everything we have learned about mental illness, misconceptions are still common, and those dealing with mental illness feel the stigma. Connect with others who know what it's like here. Share tips for coping, and increasing awareness and understanding of mental illness.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Coping with the stigma of mental illness","name_id":"coping-with-the-stigma-of-mental-illness","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"25","topic_id":"2257"}],"web_site":"https://www.mhanational.org","isPrivate":null},"status":"success"},"getPostReplies":{"status":"success","data":{"post":{"reply_count":3,"comments":[{"id":"5194691961285657062","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"5194691961285657062","created":"2024-10-09T20:12:30Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>This is sometimes hard, especially when you are codependent, getting approval from others. It is almost like you don’t know how to trust. It takes a lot of patience to trust and make decisions, like I don’t know if I’m making the right decision then you go seek advice from others to make decisions, help make decisions . The fact about this codependency is sometimes very tricky to get out of. The first step in breaking out of codependency is to find your ability to trust again or sometimes you have to develop that skill to trust. In some cases people have an altered ability to trust due to some kind of trauma or other disability. The part of your brain that is responsible in processing information, aka decision making is limited in decision making. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"jakehoppe","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/jakehoppe/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/5194691961285657062","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":1},{"id":"17050696354573931062","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"17050696354573931062","created":"2024-10-09T20:32:14Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>Thank you. That makes sense. I think my new independent foundation was shaken by the turn of what I thought was finally a supportive relationship to what amounted to what I was always taught was “failure.” Mental health is always one step forward two steps back. I appreciate your perspective. This feedback is why I joined.\u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Itwillbeok-me","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/17050696354573931062","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":2},{"id":"8530336774204703226","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"8530336774204703226","created":"2024-10-10T11:15:14Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>Need yourself and not others. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Zusuis","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Itwillbeok-me"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/8530336774204703226","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":3}],"__typename":"Post"}}},"getRelatedPosts":{"status":"success","data":{"Search":{"posts":{"total_hits":6,"hits":[{"__typename":"Post","id":"15054149573102499490","tracking_id":"15054149573102499490","slug":"disc-d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions","class":"disc","created":"2024-10-09T15:03:42Z","active":"2024-10-10T11:15:14Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Itwillbeok-me","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp>I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and a tendency towards unhealthy co-dependency.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The latter stems from a dysfunctional relationship with my mother - something I finally am beginning to address in therapy.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>3 years ago, a romantic relationship ended that devastated me. It set me on a path to examine who, what, and why I AM. I did well. I use tools and my medication keeps me stable. I began a healthy relationship that was just not “the one” and it ended amicably after 7 months. I handled it well. I didn’t break. I knew I was ok alone (without a man). I had learned how to be, to be complete as I am. Even by setting boundaries with my mother during the period of reflection.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Unexpectedly I met a man shortly after that. It was healthy. We discussed misunderstandings maturely and made actual changes in the way we communicated. I’m 50 and felt safe for the first time in a decade or more. I was secure with myself and here was a teammate. He wasn’t trying to fit me in a box, or make me something. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>5 months in, he became a little crazy, nasty text messages, overreacting to what had been easily resolved before. A cycle of every 4 weeks began. It was via text messages and the second time I went to him. I did the most empowering thing I’ve ever done. I looked him dead in the eyes, told him it was emotional abuse and it wasn’t ok. I set boundaries. He was receptive. I wanted to try. My family and friends supported me, but some expressed disapproval. (Not everyone in my life knows my mental health history). He went off the rails again 4 weeks later. What I am about to say is NOT an excuse, but he has severe and abusive childhood trauma. He had been in therapy and was going to go back, but hadn’t yet. He also was taking Cymbalta which changed his personality (drastically). He started taking Xanax which years prior he had as well and had this same cycle of crazy outbursts. (As told to me). These were under a Dr. prescription…\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Over my past few years, I have learned that forgiveness is for me. I have learned to give people some grace. What he said during these times was unforgivable and I’ve said as much. (He projected on to all the people in his life. These attacks were not just on me). \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>There was a period of no contact. He began therapy. After several sessions he asked to see me, to talk to me. THIS is why I did:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Before I was diagnosed, I said some things, often. When I was manic I would attack those I loved. I said horrific things, I wished them dead in graphic detail. I cursed and called names. I placed blame. I was mentally ill, and he has unresolved trauma, compounded by a badly prescribed combination of drugs. He had become very sick and detoxed during his hospital stay. He sees a therapist weekly and is not on any medications. He even looks different, like he used to. His house is back to being immaculate, he works regularly again, he runs every night with his dog. His relationship with his daughter is on the mend from those same incidents. There is “someone” behind his eyes again.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I have agreed to “date” him. On my terms I’d like to try again. He understands it’s a long road. I understand what the onset of his abuse looks like. I discuss this with my therapist- try to ensure I walk away if I see the cycle begin.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Of course I’m met with disapproval, but I am confident that I can make this decision. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I came from a place of not knowing how to order in a restaurant without help from a boyfriend, friend, or my mother to choosing everything in MY OWN best interest. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I guess I’m looking for support in giving this man I love a chance to prove himself. I think this is a mature, right for ME, decision. How can I not give this chance when I received so many from inflicting the same pain on others once upon a time? If I can be well, why can’t he? I’m looking for months of consistency regarding changes he’s made. I am dating others and he knows I can’t commit, not now, not yet. Is it safe to trust myself?\u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":3,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/d56828-strong-enough-to-make-my-own-decisions/","title":"strong enough to make my own decisions","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["hilljaleesam"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2244,"name":"Co-dependency","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"3592398350351925768","tracking_id":"3592398350351925768","slug":"disc-trouble-coping-ul1dcy","class":"disc","created":"2021-08-23T02:19:34Z","active":"2024-04-15T15:51:54Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"HarleyNTink","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp> \u003C/p>\u003Cp>Hi all. This is my first post and there's a lot of parts to the story that I need to include so everything makes sense. If this is the wrong forum, then I understand, just let me know and I'll move it. :)\u003C/p>\u003Cp> \u003C/p>\u003Cp>So I'm brand new to the community here and I'm looking for some support. I recently moved from CA where I was basically born and lived in my whole life to Texas and right now, therapy isn't an option. I had a great therapist back in Cali that I worked with for a couple years, but right now, money is pretty tight (more on that in a bit) so I'm looking for some free resources if anyone has any suggestions,\u003C/p>\u003Cp>So how'd I end up in Texas? \u003C/p>\u003Cp>My boyfriend and I met about two years ago in a very weird way. We both were in two totally different places in our lives . I was just starting out in my career, he was looking for a fresh start in CA (he's originally from Texas), and we just sort of came into each other's lives. At first, we didn't like each other very much at all, but as time went on, he shared that he had feelings for me, and although, I initially told him I didn't feel the same, I could feel myself becoming more attracted to him. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>Once COVID hit in March 2020, I was forced to change jobs and we lost contact. He did reach out to me several times afterwards, but I was going through so much stress that I pushed him away every time. Even though I never told him my true feelings, I honestly could not stop thinking about him during the time we were apart and missed him so much. Although I will admit that when I do fall for someone, I fall hard...I never felt so intensely towards someone. In fact, there were times where I would think of him before I fell asleep and hear from him the next day. He was unlike anyone I'd ever met, and different from all of my previous boyfriends or men that I was usually attracted to.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Last summer, he reached out again to let me know he went back to Texas. We started messaging back and forth a couple times a week, which quickly led to several hour long conversations every day. Even though I was happy that wee were talking again and could tell he was too, he started to talk about how depressed he was and would often even talk about suicide (which was something I already knew about). He also was having a hard time keeping a job due to his anxiety and anger issues. Finally, I told him that he needed to get help, and he was able to get into a treatment program in CA.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He officially came back to California in October, and we would meet and go out every weekend. Eventually, I asked what his plans were after treatment and he said he was still nervous about finding a job and working, and asked if we could live together. I knew things were moving fast, but after seeing him and being with him again, I couldn't bear the thought of having to give that up, so I agreed. I'd never lived on my own before but I'd been working since I was 17 and had saved up quite a bit of money, plus with my full time job, I was able to get us a place by December. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>At first, things seemed great. We loved living together, but we also failed to take into account the issues we both had been dealing with before we even got together. We both have inner child wounds. His come from growing up in an environment with abuse and not getting the love he needed. My family, on the other hand, was very enmeshed. My mother was very controlling and although she could be warm and loving at times, she could become cold and hateful or full of rage if I ever went against her. My mom and I had what many outsiders believed to be a \"close relationship\", as long as I complied with whatever she wanted. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>As soon as I met my boyfriend, things changed. I knew my mother didn't approve of how fast I'd moved in with my boyfriend, and although I never told her, I knew she suspected that he wasn't working (which I never pushed due to his anxiety and mental health), which she also didn't like. I kept so many parts of our relationship a secret to protect him, which made my mom feel like I lied to her. I hated that I was hurting her, but I love my boyfriend, and he encouraged me to stop letting my mom run my life. My boyfriend and I also had several arguments, which would often end with one of us threatening to leave. We both have strong fears of abandonment, and assume one of us is going to leave every time we fight, but neither of us meant it. More often than not, he usually begs me to stay, but I have begged him too.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>This past June, I accidentally crashed my car because I accidentally got out while it was in reverse. I ended up damaging the drivers door, as well as completely smashing the back end, including the trunk and rear window. I was later told by the car repair shop that it was totaled. I was crushed!! I loved that car and had bought it 5 years ago as a pre-owned vehicle and paid it off on my own. My boyfriend was so supportive and helped me move everything out of the car without saying a word. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I called my parents that evening because I was hoping in my time of need that they would offer some kind of support. As soon as they got to my apartment, however, my mom was confrontational, saying that my life was \"spinning out of control\" due to my boyfriend because I had already gotten a speeding ticket two months earlier and ran over a curb- both of which were my own careless mistakes. Of course, she also didn't know that even though I was working full time and making decent money, I was struggling to barely able make ends meet on my own with the cost of rent and other living expenses in southern California. Or that with my boyfriend's mental health, I often blame and hold myself responsible (even though he tells me not to) for his unhappiness and not doing enough. I started crying, saying that I felt depressed that I couldn't do anything right and my boyfriend overheard and came out to comfort me.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>My mom started yelling at him to go away, and all of the anger that I guess she'd bee holding back against him for the past 6 months came out. They both started yelling horrible things at each other. Eventually, the cops were called (not sure by who) and the next day, we were told that we had to leave the apartment due to a noise complaint. So there I was.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Without a car, and now , no place to live. I texted my mom and she offered to let me move back, but stated that I had to break up with my boyfriend first. I refused. I felt like I had already lost my car and the apartment...my first place on my own... and that it would be too much to be way from him after spending every day together for the past 6 months. My boyfriend and I had already said that we needed each other now more than ever. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>So we relocated to Texas. His mom was gracious enough to offer to let us stay, and so over the next 3 days we packed what we could from my apartment, left the rest, and drove a rental car across 3 states. I told my mom what I was doing and of course, she didn't like the idea. She thought it was impulsive and desperate, which I agree, it kind of was, but that wasn't the worst of it. She also went as far as to make up a story about her overhearing my boyfriend on the phone with another girl while she supposedly came over one day and claimed to have heard the whole thing through the door. Cheating is a HUGE dealbreaker for me, and so as soon as I heard this, I confronted him. He suggested we test this out, and called his brother while I stood outside. That door is almost bullet-proof- you can't hear anything...I couldn't even hear him telling me to come back inside let alone a full blown conversation. So she LIED to me. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>The night before we left, I dropped off a box of old toys and decorations by her mailbox. She messaged me the next day, and I told her I was already on the way to Texas and she said \"you left without saying good bye?\". I could tell it hurt, which was what I honestly wanted but I didn't expect it to hurt me as much. My mom has always made a big deal out of lying, and my dad cheated on her several times throughout their marriage, yet here she was coming up with such a low blow- and a lie- just to break me and my boyfriend up. We haven't talked since because she still won't admit it was a lie even after being proven wrong.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>To make matters even worse, about a month ago, my dad found a post where I was basically venting about the situation with my mom lying and decided to publicly post something I had told my parents that I expected to be kept private. My settings on Instagram are set so that only my followers can see what I post, but his is completely open. And he used my name, and said that his own \"indiscretions (his pet name for his numerous affairs) pale in comparison\" to mine. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>Not only that, but our problems have been far from over since getting here. Even though the cost of living is considerably less, finding a job that pays well has been a constant struggle. I'm currently working remote for a company in CA, but I'm only part time. The pay is decent, but we are also making car payments on top of rent so its been rough. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I also didn't like spending time around my boyfriend's family and friends because I felt like I had to cut my family off and was (admittedly) jealous that he got to have his around all the time. We have been fighting more, but part of that is because we agreed that we would both work now, and I haven't backed down. We are both stressed , and I know he is scared we will fail if I don't have a good job. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I just wish he would see things from my perspective . I lost everything basically. My car that I was so proud of buying and paying off. My apartment. Money that I had worked for and saved. My family because they chose to punish me for my decisions they didn't agree with. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>It took me so long since moving into our apartment in early July just to unpack because now I'm scared of having to move again after losing everything . Now every time I unpack something, I realize I left something else that had sentimental value behind because I was in such a frenzied state of panic and only grabbed what e could when we left. Every time he tells me to leave, my heart breaks a little, because he's all I have. Even when I threaten to leave, I never really want to...I just feel so overwhelmed that, in that moment, I just want to get away.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I love my boyfriend, and made the choice to leave everything to come with him, so we could start over together. He says a ot of our fights are because I refuse to communicate, and I agree- a lot of times I just go along with him or avoid the subject if I think i'll cause a fight. I told him he means everything to me and I'm the happiest when I'm in his arms, but I also know that your significant other can't be your sole support system. And so this is why I'm reaching out.\u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":2,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/trouble-coping-ul1dcy/","title":"Trouble Coping","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Mandymuff"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":4,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Clio19","MamaSusie","Mandymuff","ChaiLady"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2245,"name":"Depression","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"5084354663115911918","tracking_id":"5084354663115911918","slug":"disc-to-make-a-short-story-long","class":"disc","created":"2019-08-07T01:35:21Z","active":"2019-08-20T04:25:57Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"JaxNova","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"My life has been a series of failures, and after 30 years of it I’m feeling like I’m about done... I’ve never told more than one or two people any of this and no one all of it... and no may even read it here, but I’ve been feeling a strong need to get this all out... somehow. I don’t know anyone personally whom I trust, so I’ve ended up here. \r\n\r\nWhen I was young (around 5 or 6) my older sister (who I played with a lot) started wanting to play things like “We were married” or dating, etc... we never did anything inappropriate, (other than she did want us to kiss once, but I think that only happened once) but we pretended a lot of inappropriate things at her prompting. \r\n\r\nAs time went on she mentioned my older brother was doing inappropriate things with animals on our farm. I thought that was disgusting at the time, but a few years later (around when I was 11) I slipped into extreme depression. \r\n\r\nI literally had no friends, was homeschooled, and lived out in the country in a town with 90 people (most of which were over 40 years old) So no way to meet anyone, find friends, support, etc...\r\n\r\nMy dad farmed, but it was hard to make ends meet. One year my parents with 4 kids had only $4,000 for the entire year to live off of because our tractor broke down and most of our money went to repairs. \r\n\r\nMy mom bought a second hand store when I was 7, and like our farm barely made enough money to pay her own bills. \r\n\r\nBecause of this my parents were absent most of the time. My grandmother did our school but she was a very hard woman having grown up during the depression of the 30s and this left me with no adult to turn to. \r\n\r\nOn top of that I was and always have been unnaturally untrusting. I wouldn’t even walk in front of a pickup if it was turned on when I was 5 even if my own father was behind the wheel because I thought I might get run over. Weird and illogical ideas would fly through my head like, “what if it’s not really dad... what if someone is impersonating him?” “What if he suddenly turned evil and decides to kill me?” “What if the pickup rolls and he is unconscious?”\r\n\r\nI was paranoid and untrusting from as far back as I can remember. I was also extremely shy, suffered from extreme social anxiety, was/is an introvert melancholy loner, and so... when my depression hit at 12... I was completely and totally alone. \r\n\r\nI told myself for a while that I could get through it all on my own. Eventually I knew that wasn’t true. Since I couldn’t trust anyone or make friends, I created my own friends. I had always had imaginary friends growing up, some so real at times I honestly forgot they were imaginary. In one case I actually asked my mom when my friend was coming over. I had forgot that I made her up. Only after my mom told me there was no one like that, did I remember that I had created this friend, dreamed about her that night, and in my dream she would be coming to play the next day. The dream had been so real, I had thought it was. \r\n\r\nThese imaginary friends kept me company for a while, but then my past came up again. Memories of what my sister would always play with me, or what she mentioned about my brother doing with the animals came back... again I shoved it aside, but about halfway through my 12th year I stumbled onto a pornography website totally on accident because I had misspelled the website for a music group that I was trying to look up. \r\n\r\nThat opened the flood gates... \r\n\r\nI began struggling with porn, bestiality, my thought life, my depression got deeper, I withdrew. I would talk to no one, lay on the couch nearly all my free\r\nTime and listen to music, imagining a fake existence for myself in my head. \r\n\r\nThis continued for about two years until I got so sick of it I began praying to God daily to kill me. If it weren't for the fact that I was sure suicide would send me to hell... I would have killed myself. \r\n\r\nI became angry. Very angry. I imagined how I might kill myself, or even other people who made me mad. Or I imagined beating them up until they were so bloody and broken they couldn’t move. \r\n\r\nThen, one night when I was 14 I had a dream of a girl that I met. She was everything a guy could ever hope for. And I wasn’t the typical guy who was just interested in looks. I wanted a gorgeous woman, but equally as important I wanted a great personality, someone who i could get along with, love, be there for and who would be there for me. This dream girl was all of that and more. Our likes and dislikes meshed. We liked similar things but when we liked different things it worked to our favor. It was a very in-depth dream. The dream covered 5 years, ending when we finally got married. \r\n\r\nWhen i woke up I was dumbfounded. I didn’t remember exactly what the girl looked like, but WHO she was I never forgot. I put a face to her, and eventually a name. \r\n\r\nAs absurd as it seems, she helped me through my dark times, pulled me out of bestiality, and helped me break my pornography addiction. I “knew” her well enough to know that she wouldn’t approve of these things. So i stopped... for her. \r\n\r\nThis process was a huge struggle that lasted about 4 years. By the time I was 17 I was coming out of it all with success. My depression was even lessening. By 18 life was good. I no longer struggled with my past mistakes, I had taken up writing books and playing guitar as a hobby, and I could “spend time” with my dream girl any time I wanted. \r\n\r\nOf course, as an 18 year old my mind started turning towards my future. I knew, (I think) that she wasn’t real... though part of me sincerely thought she was really out there somewhere and was committed to waiting for her and only her. \r\n\r\nI went to a summer camp the next year and a girl my sister was friends with caught my eye. I had known her for a while, but we never did anything together. My sister had long ago (when I was about 11) stopped playing with me. I guess it was no longer “cool.” \r\n\r\nI talked to this girl (my sister’s friend) a little bit online late that year, and in my mind I rationalized that my “dream girl” was just that... a dream. It was time to move on. I thought I had... I even cried over it... \r\n\r\nLate that year this girl I had been talking to and I started dating. I had told her a large portion of my past. I didn’t want her to find out later and be mad. She claimed at the time that it was all in the past and didn’t bother her. (Should have seen the lies then... but I didn’t) \r\n\r\nThings were good for... the first week. Then it was like I was her yoyo or toy. She would randomly call me saying, “This is never going to work. We can’t be together!” \r\n\r\nThen she would change her mind. I found out AFTER we were engaged that she had bipolar disorder... which she never bothered to tell me at the time. She just told me, “I’m messed up.”\r\n\r\nOn top of that she had been abused by men in her past and decided I was a legitimate outlet to vent, punish, lash out, and so forth. So all her hurt and hate towards men landed squarely on my shoulders. \r\n\r\nAlso, her mother was/is extremely manipulative. Something the girl learned well. She would lock me out of the vehicle, trying to force me to dance or do something stupid for her before she would let me back in. Or she would lock herself behind a door that I could in no way get through and tell me, “If you REALLY loved me you would come in and get me.” Then when she had to unlock it she would say, “Obviously you don’t really love me.” \r\n\r\nThis and many more similar things went on almost every time we were together... and I, being a know-nothing small town kid with a misguided moral compass and some fairytale idealistic view of commitment... I never left. \r\n\r\nI was bound and determined that she was the first woman I had ever dated, ever kissed, and ever been with physically, and so I was bound and determined that she was the one I was going to marry. \r\n\r\nAnd so I did. In spite of all the crap that I was still too twitterpated to see at the time. \r\n\r\nBefore that, however, her family began to dislike me because I (and I quote, “Spent more time with her than them...” O_@ No joke. \r\n\r\nTensions soared between her and her mother, but i kept trying to do everything the way her parents wanted it done. Finally things took a turn for the worse and I got a call from my, now fiancé, saying, “My mom is screaming at me and she hit me and pulled my hair. I need you to come pick me up.” \r\n\r\nSo I went and picked her up, her bags packed. Despite the fact that she was 18 and not underage, her parents tried calling the cops. The cops said there was nothing they could do because she was 18 and wanted to go, so was free to do so. So, from that point forward almost %100 of our interactions with her family had something to do with them saying things like, she was going to hell for leaving the house the way she did, or I had “stolen” her, or that I brainwashed her. Multiple times I was told by some of her family that they hated me, never wanted to see me again, or other rude remarks. And her mom even had the audacity to say “I don’t know why you are so hurt by everything that has happened. If this is the worst you’v been treated by people, then you have had a really easy life.” \r\n\r\nTo make things worse all 4 of my siblings, all my other relatives (besides my parents) and all her relatives on both sides of her family, all her froends or family friends, and even people from her church were all criticizing us (and me more specifically) for our relationship. \r\n\r\nSome said we were moving too fast, some were offended that I didn’t get THEIR approval (even though I DID ask and get approval from her parents) some thought I was in a cult because I went to church on saturday instead of Sunday. Her mom’s family hated me because I was white and not mexican. (They are all mexican) Her dad’s family criticized me for how I dressed... and on and on the list went. \r\n\r\nMy finace’s Dad’s boss insisted that I meet him and get his approval, and several “leaders” from her church came to lecture/interview us (me)\r\n\r\nAnyways... time moved on and all the sudden my fiancé just “couldn’t live with my past.” She decided to tell me on the same day I lost my job... \r\n\r\nSo she left to stay with one of the deacons from her church that had lectured us earlier. During that time I was almost ready to let her go for good and throw my ideals and commitment to the wind, but then she started “wanting to talk.” \r\n\r\nThat went on for a month or two, basically a mirror image of our early relationship. She would change her mind every other day. \r\n\r\nThen I found out that she had told multiple people about my past without even telling or asking me first. I was utterly ashamed of my past and needless to say I didn’t want everyone and their dog knowing. \r\n\r\nThen, all the sudden she needed to get out of these people’s house for some reason... and so, like the witless young man that I was I got her an apartment and paid for it. (I had spent $5,000 on her in just the first year of our dating, and the trend continued.) \r\n\r\nTo try and be “proper” I didn’t stay in the apartment with her. I slept in my vehicle for months. \r\n\r\nWe had been physically intimate in the past but I never approved. She pressured me, and I told her no on at least 4 occasions. Then I gave in, but told her after the fact that I didn’t want to do that anymore. Not until we were married. But our whole relationship she pushed for more physical intimacy.\r\n\r\nAt this point I was still trying to say no, though I faltered from time to time and eventually failed utterly. At that point I told her that if we were going to live like we were married we needed to just get married. So... we set an appointment at the courthouse and invited no one, since we knew her family (and mine other than my parents) would beat us down, criticizes is, tell us we were doing everything wrong etc... \r\n\r\nAt 21 I was married. \r\n\r\nMy new wife cried all the way home from the courthouse, because we had to elope. We did plan (and did have) a public ceremony later that year, but it was never good enough. \r\n\r\nPretty soon her wedding ring wasn’t good enough either. She wanted a new one. So... thinking it would help “fix” our relationship, I spent an extra $2,500 on a new ring for her... that she eventually broke and lost. \r\n\r\nFrom that point on, my wife became increasingly hateful. She would on a daily basis tell me things like, “I wish you were dead.” “I wish someone killed you.” “I wish you were stoned to death or castrated.” \r\n\r\nAt one point she (in all honesty) tried to convince me to get castrated by a physician before she would ever be “intimate” with me in any way. \r\n\r\nI would get home from work and she would randomly be gone. Sometimes there would be notes like, “I left. Don’t come after me. You will never find me and I’m never coming home.” \r\n\r\nThis happened multiple times. Or she would threaten to have an affair to get “even” with me for my past, or she would walk around outside in her bra with no shirt on to try and make me jealous. \r\n\r\nI tried... I honestly did. I tried everything I could possibly think of to “make things right.” \r\n\r\nBut the struggle was hard and my emotions wore thin. I slipped back into depression, and after being married and dealing with this for 2 years time, I began struggling with porn again. \r\n\r\nWhen my wife found out she doubled her efforts to make me feel like a worthless piece of trash. And she would tell me I was. (And much worse things that I won’t type)\r\n \r\nI probably did... but it feels like I didn’t go a si gle day in the next 6 months without crying. Then... I was finally done. Done trying, done fighting, done apologizing for the same things hundreds of times that were 7 years in my past and had happened years before I even had started dating my wife or even talking to her. \r\n\r\nI grew bitter, resentful, and over time... even hateful on occasion. I never said or did as bad of things as she had done, but I did get pretty rude at times. I would tell her she was the worst thing that ever happened to me... but in truth, she was. I would tell her she was lazy and irresponsible because for the first 3 years of our marriage I worked full time and still did %75 of the cooking and probably %80 of the house work. \r\n\r\nThe tensions grew up until we had our first child and then after he turned 1 things started to mellow. But then randomly she would get enraged about my past again and start everything all up once more. \r\n\r\nAt that point I could only wish that I had thought enough to divorce her before we had any children... but in my still idealistic moral compass... I felt like divorce was never an option. \r\n\r\nBy the time I considered it as perhaps possible... we had a son and I “couldn’t take him away from his mother.” Beside the fact that his mother took up with threatening me with divorce because I was still struggling with porn, and she always insisted that she would take our son and I would never get to be involved in his life. \r\n\r\nLife was nothing but walking on egg shells, wondering if today would blow to hell or not. \r\n\r\nOver time I got more active in my church group and dug myself out of my addiction again. I put off looking at porn and started back on the “right” track. \r\n\r\nMy marriage even improved a little. By that time we had a second child. \r\n\r\nLife was mundane now, still with regular fights and my wife having emotional spasms where she would randomly hate me... but they were fewer. \r\n\r\nThen I got a new job that required me to be gone for about 13 hours a day 5 days a week. I was always exhausted and my wife seemed to start getting more and more annoyed at me as well... for what, I am not sure. Same old same old. \r\n\r\nMy attitude quickly went downhill. She would always wait until I crawled in bed to sleep, then start an argument or fight. Most nights I was getting about 4 hours of sleep. Sometimes less. (Other than the weekend) \r\n\r\nThis continued for a whole year until one day I was exhausted, came home from work, and sat down to balance the check book and get our monthly finances in order. (Because that, as well as most of the grocery shopping was apparently only my job. My wife rarely did either) \r\n\r\nMy son came up asking me to play with him. I was annoyed, but I tried not to show it, and played with him anyways. My wife noticed my attitude and made a snarky remark, criticizing me but I let it go. \r\n\r\nI played with my son for a while, but then he started asking me to help him count. He had known how to count to 5 for a few months, so I started with that. \r\n\r\nHe counted to five 4 times and I told him hood job and encouraged him. Then made the mistake of saying, “Let’s do it just one more time.” \r\n\r\nApparently, he didn’t want to, so he pretended he didn’t know what 4 was. \r\n\r\nMy mood immediately soured and my wife threw another rude comment my way. I got frustrated, but still ignored my wife and told my son all he had to do was say the number then he could go play. He wouldn’t, so I trued to speak calmly and told him. “Ok, well you can stand here while I balance the checkbook. You aren’t allowed to go play until you tell me what four is.” \r\n\r\nAt that my wife commented again and I had put up with enough. I told her she needed to go away. \r\n\r\nA few minutes passed and my son still refuses to say 4, and started stomping and throwing a fit because I wouldn’t let him go play. So I got upset and spanked him. A poor choice on my part. My wife, who thought I was spanking him for not saying 4 stormed in and started saying I was a worthless father and a horrible person, and a handful of other negative comments. \r\n\r\nAt that I stood up and told her very forcefully to get out of the room and leave me alone. \r\n\r\nShe said, “Make me.” \r\n\r\nAnd I made the stupidest decision of my life. I decided to make her. \r\n\r\nI took her arm and put a hand on her back, moving her towards the door to the room. A out half way there she turned around and shoved me hard. I was taken aback. It wasn’t the first time she had been physically aggressive towards me, but I hadn’t expected it and I snapped. I twisted her arm behind her back and pushed her to the door. But she pulled against me and I was afraid I was going to seriously hurt her arm so i let go. \r\n\r\nAt that point she grabbed a big container and tried to bash me in the head. I grabbed that from her and then she grabbed a glass jar and swung at me. Something in my mind was triggered and I darted forward, grabbed her arm, twisted it back behind her back, and kicked her feet out from under her. \r\n\r\nShe didn’t hit the floor hard, I was actually careful to keep the landing soft. \r\n\r\nI knew things were getting way out of hand so I started saying, “We need to stop! We need to stop this!” \r\n\r\nShe then kicked me in the face, got up, punched, slapped, scratched, and bit me... \r\n\r\nI never once hit her. I took her arm again, trying to control her, put her through the door and closed the door between us and held it closed as my wife slammed on it from the other side and tried to get back through. \r\n\r\nApparently my sister and brother had shown up in the middle of the fight and saw half of it. \r\n\r\nMy wife was humiliated about that and called the police. I guess to try and make it seem more... serious. I don’t know. \r\n\r\nThe police showed up and even though I hadn’t hit at all or done anything else hard enough to leave a single mark on my wife, but when I had put her out the door of the room and shut it between us, she had tried to stop me from shutting the door. Apparently her hand had got pinched and her knuckles skinned (at least that’s how she claims it happened) because her knuckles were scratched up and bleeding slightly, I was arrested. \r\n\r\n\r\nI spent 7 days in jail paying for my crimes AND hers. I didn’t know what I was going to do once I got out, but needless to say my emotions were all over the place. \r\n\r\nMy wife, (for her bipolar reasons I guess) hired me a lawyer, didn’t testify against me, and with a 35 day restraining order against me towards my entire family (including my kids) I was released with a $7,500 bond. \r\n\r\nI had been very judicious in previous years with my money, so I was able to get the cash. \r\n\r\nAfter 35 days of not seeing my kids, crying myself to sleep every night, trying to reach out to someone who i thought was my friend who said nothing more to my situation other than “Wow, sorry man. That must suck...” \r\n\r\nI had to go back to court. I was given a plea bargain. My lawyer was convinced that I could get a not guilty verdict if we took it to trial, because of how my wife initiated the physical fight, and tried to keep it going... but in order for me to get not guilty, my wife would likely spend time in jail. \r\n\r\nOur youngest child was under 2 and still breastfeeding, and I knew both my children would cry themselves to sleep without their mother each night. Despite being tempted, because I had to not see my mids for over 35 days, I couldn’t... for the sale of my kids i chose not to go that rout and took the deal they were offering. 1.5 years probation, two separate mandatory counseling sessions equaling a total of 9 months of counseling all at my own expense, and all the court fees. \r\n\r\nSo for the next year and a half I lived in a non stop depression. I went from home at 4 am to work, then counseling two days a week after work, getting home at 11 pm. \r\n\r\nSleep was sparse, money was tight, and I slipped into depression that was worse than any i had ever been in... even in my teens. being in prison had been extremely traumatic for me. I don’t know how to explain why... but maybe because I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would end up in jail... it left me with PTSD. \r\n\r\nI would have nightmares regularly about either being arrested or my wife trying to kill me in my sleep. I had panic attacks every time I saw a cop or policeman. My palms would sweat, I couldn’t calm my breathing, irrational fear took over my mind. All i could think of was being put back in handcuffs and going to prison for another week of solitary confinement. (Yes that’s where I was... because they were... “out of room” everywhere else.) \r\n\r\n\r\nMy depression was crippling. I needed to talk but the only few people I knew who may be trustworthy gave short curt replies. Either they didn’t want to talk about it, or they didn’t know how. \r\n\r\nThen I happened to make a friend online. They were a great friend. They talked about anything and everything with me, but also listened. At first we just made small talk, but then it got more personal. We shared our backstories and life struggles, and eventually we were communicating daily. \r\n\r\nAt first it was all online, then we started texting. Then eventually we started calling on the phone and talking on the way to work, because we both went to work at the same time. \r\n\r\nIt was great... I finally had a friend, I finally had support, I could finally open up to someone about my pain and struggles. But it was a two sided relationship. I listened to the same from them. \r\n\r\nThe only problem? This friend was a woman. Despite my wife and my relationship being in shambles, she was still jealous. I hadn’t hid this friendship from her. It was innocent, in all honesty. But the longer it went the more jealous my wife became. Though there was never any affair and my friend and I never even met in person, my wife became furious and started telling people I was having an affair. \r\n\r\nIn retrospect, my friend did tell me a lot of personal stuff that would seem inappropriate for friends of the opposite gender, but given our deep talks, my need for a friend, and my lack of options... I never thought much of it. I honestly still think that’s juat how she was. I don’t think she ever intended to turn our relationship into anything other than friendship. She was married and so was I. We both knew that and both felt like divorce was wrong. \r\n\r\nAt the same she brought to my attention all the character traits I had always wanted in a woman. I didn’t fall in love, but I did grow to regret my relationship more and wish I had ended up with someone else. \r\n\r\nHowever, since my wife was telling people I was having an affair, I had to end the only true friendship i had ever had in my life. As I have mentioned, I grew up secluded and had no friends, that continued up into adulthood with the exception of one man who was a “friend” but I guess not enough of a friend to be willing (or able) to help me through my struggles... or to even be there for me to talk to. He was the first one I tried reaching out to... and I was basically turned down. \r\n\r\nSo my only friend had to leave my life for good, thanks to my wife. I had to explain the situation to my friend, and then I’ve never spoken to her since.\r\n\r\n\r\n$27,000 later, 1.5 years, and only mild improvement on my nightmares, PTSD, and depression... I had $700 in the bank and my probation was finally over. \r\n\r\nFast forward down the road for 4 years. I have 2 more kids, have had job issues but finally found a good one, and my wife and I are still arguing non-stop. I can’t get over everything... I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard. I still dream about it... I still get extremely nervous whenever I see a police (though it’s generally not a full blown panic attack anymore unless I get taken off guard by flashing lights) \r\n\r\nI’m still depressed and if it weren’t for my kids, I think I would be right back to where I was as a child... praying for God to take my life and let me die. Either that or praying that my wife would die so i could be free and move on... but at the same time... I can’t. For the sale of the kids I can’t even think about asking for such a thing... but I’m so messed up that I would if I didn’t have kids. But, at the same time... at this point if I didn’t have kids I would just get a divorce. But I can’t do that to them. :( \r\n\r\nMy wife has actually improved some and acknowledged some of her faults from the past... but inside she is still a suppressed version of the same person she always has been... she just controls it better, most days. \r\n\r\nI, however, feel like who i used to be is long dead. I’m not even the same person I once was. What’s worse... I don’t want to be. I can’t get over things... and half of me doesn’t want to for fear that all I would be doing is opening myself back up to another betrayal and more pain. \r\n\r\nAnd now... I’m 30 years old, stuck in a relationship that I hate, I’m a cynical, sarcastic, depressed, lonely, melancholy, introverted, jerk. (Because anymore I will openly admit... I no longer try and I give zero quarter to BS) \r\nI’ve started struggling with lust again, though mostly been able to stay away from porn. My wife and I sleep in separate rooms, I can’t stand her family and wish I had never met them... and I feel totally hopeless, helpless, and isolated. \r\n\r\nSo... that’s my rant...","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":13,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/to-make-a-short-story-long/","title":"To make a short story long...","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["TifanniRusadi"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":5,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Ryder_8","TifanniRusadi","Mary5220","ansvia","sharongramma7"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2253,"name":"Other issues","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"6516632113977462113","tracking_id":"6516632113977462113","slug":"disc-outsider-very-explicit-and-very-triggering","class":"disc","created":"2019-07-25T07:25:57Z","active":"2022-09-18T17:24:00Z","updated":"2019-07-25T14:07:47Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/ansvia/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"ansvia","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"Disclaimer: I’m about to open up about something publicly for the very first time in my life. This isn’t going to be something nice to read. I’m not going to do anything but share my soul. My soul isn’t something nice or pretty and that doesn’t bother me but it may bother some people. Please try to read if you can, but if you can’t that’s ok. I’m not writing like this for attention. In fact, everyone on here should know I like my space and privacy and can be very icy at times which is somewhat on purpose, but I will get to that in my writing. I really would like support but at the same time I want to be left alone. Just consider me an eccentric recluse because that is what I am and how I live. I want some help so I figure I’d give this a shot.\r\n\r\nHi Everyone, \r\n\r\nI’m not doing well and I don’t like asking for help. I have my reservations writing this - as you might imagine. Had an anxiety flare-up today, but it was more than just anxiety. I had a feeling of overall foreboding and dependency which scared me to the extent of unnerving. I’m having difficulties managing my moods despite being on multiple medications with a moderate dosage. I used to be on stronger psychotics however the dosage was too strong and I began to have tremors while holding things. I would hold a drink and it would be bad enough where it looked like I had Parkinson’s. I’m not necessarily sad nor happy which means I’m just at a base line. This baseline would seem to be a suitable foundation on which to build relationships with other people...but it isn’t. Quite frankly, I know I have a lot of problems - not horrible problems but problems I’m having difficulties dealing with emotionally. I’m sure you all know and it’s not a surprise (and if you couldn’t guess before you have just been told). I like to have space with people I don’t know because I don’t trust people - doesn’t matter the gender or nationality. I can’t trust people automatically like I used to when I was younger. I’ve had to change and undergo a metamorphosis. I’m a complete 180 of what I used to be and had to do several 360s along the way which leaves me feeling sick. \r\n\r\nExplicit part:\r\n\r\nI’ve been abused by men...particularly the dominate white entitled educated kind. I’m sure this has painted quite the pretty picture. Yes self-loathing is inevitable at first but then you start to see a pattern with men. Bluntly, men are only after one thing 99% of the time - and this is my own statistic. I was once told by my 93-year-old Italian neighbor who used to give my family fresh tomatoes, “Men are after one thing,” when I was about 10 years-old. [I have an amazing memory which makes my pain even more intense, severe, and twisted]. Those were the last words she told me because she passed away before I was able to visit her again. I should’ve heeded that warning. I should’ve heeded my mother’s warning. I should’ve heeded any logical warnings but being young and the recklessly impulsive adult I was, with bipolar, nothing was going to stop me besides death itself. \r\n\r\n\u003CConversely my family are a private sort and wouldn’t be thrilled with me writing so vulnerably because they fear it will lead to reckless behavior which could potentially kill me, and they aren’t wrong. I’ve done things where I shouldn’t have come back at all and if I did come back it would’ve been in a body bag if that something horrible would have happened>\r\n\r\nMore explicit:\r\n\r\nHow do you not want to beat senseless every man who walks past you on a daily basis (any wise woman is asking)? I restrain myself. It’s funny because you would think I sound crazy. What I have been through isn’t crazy it is insane. Being treated like a piece of garbage and being used like a sperm dumpster because I was available. Conversely, at the same time I felt taking my own sexuality in my hands was empowering. Little did I know this empowering feeling I was feeling wasn’t me being empowered but me giving my power to men...and I had so much power to give tsk tsk tsk....My heart is racing as I write this not because it is taboo or is thrilling sexually to expose my sexual behavior but because I am filled with a deep rage when I think of what I have given up for men. \r\n\r\n[As a side note any man pleasuring himself while reading this - because their are so many twisted individuals online - if it was legally possible I would kill you and I would know how to kill you slowly. My pain is not your pleasure but your pleasure is my pain!!!!]\r\n\r\nBack to a more unpleasant subject, my ex-husband. I gave up everything that makes a person a person. I am not being overly dramatic. [I’m a writer and anything blank is my canvas. However, this isn’t any performance piece that I’m having fun writing. This is my first time opening up about what has happened to me to any known group online or in-person and it is literally making me want to vomit and I just might before this wretched night is ended]. But let me continue nonetheless, I turned my back on my country, my job, my education, my home, my family, my friends, my dreams, my life...I turned my back on my identity. I moved to the middle of England away from others and lived alone with this man. I don’t want to get into it but I don’t want to overplay or downplay it. We had arguments so bad that my 80 year-old neighbor was worried for my safety and wanted me to sleep on her couch. God should literally make this lady a saint because she saved my life...but what is my life worth anyway? He never hit me, but he didn’t have to because he verbally and emotionally abused me. Being abused by men, at that point, was nothing new to me funny enough.\r\n\r\nEven more explicit:\r\n\r\nNow let me set everyone straight who needs to be set straight and you will be set straight by my words for the love of God. Me being abused by men was not my fault. Me being abused by men was their fault. It had nothing to do with any wrath of God. It had nothing to do with me being vulnerable. These were bad bad bad men. Yes I made risky decisions but the risk was the encounter of these types of men which I had no control over because of my youthful innocence and being taken advantage of mind, body, and soul; like a lamb to slaughter. Is it the lamb’s fault for being born a lamb? Is it the lamb’s fault if people want to eat the lamb? Does the lamb have control if it is being carted away to slaughter? The answer to the above questions is no. Strangely enough, their is the tiniest of voice in the back of my head that wants me to believe it was my fault for being so stupid as to listen to the lies and the abuse they gave me as truth. Yet when this voice speaks I can’t even hear it. Let me explain, if I did listen to this voice and what it was telling me I would have to commit suicide. My suicide wouldn’t be painless. My suicide would be brutal. My suicide would make national headlines because the message I would leave behind would be a work of art of the human experience. I wouldn’t have to explain anything to anyone because I would just be me. I am a work of art as much as any other human being. I believe in humanity but humanity is very complicated and complex. I’m not suicidal at all right now, but thank you for your concern.\r\n\r\nWARNING very very very explicit: \r\n\r\nIf you don’t think this is true or if you do think this is my fault in anyway and you want to call me a prostitue or whore you better not let me catch word of it. This is why, I will tear you apart limb-from-limb with conjuring the most visceral words known to all of humanity. I wouldn’t need to use a single word of profanity. Also, I would learn new words even in other languages to rip you to shreads where not even the scavenging animals would have anything to feast upon until I have satiated my appetite for blood. \r\n\r\nMore on what makes me tick: I have written in other languages and it wouldn’t be difficult for me. \r\n\r\nAnyway back to the gore, I would think your demise by my words would be a service to humanity. [Yes yes this sounds very scary and psychotic and not normal]. Maybe what makes me tick is a bomb? [No, I don’t have a bomb I’m being poetic].\r\n\r\nIt’s too bad I have to explain my soul so matter-of-fact. It’s too bad I can’t just be me and live my life. \r\n\r\nAnother interesting fact: I once wrote straight for half a year with little sleep. I destroyed everything I wrote because it was the only way to keep me sane. This was when I had the most severe psychotic episode of my life where I was hearing multiple voices coming from my TV, my laptop, and my phone. Once they came out of these objects they hounded me for weeks. I remember some of what was happening at that point but it was a living nightmare. I remember what these voices were telling me and they, of course, were all male voices but they were voices I had never heard before. It was like I was being chased by multiple ghosts. I was literally wasting away. My joints popped from the sound of gas as my muscles atrophied because I could hardly move from all the fear and the general affect of any psychosis. I am someone who would hike and run for miles. I don’t do that anymore because now I don’t see a point in trying to live a healthy life if my mind will never be healthy. It’s not like I haven’t tried to be more healthy I just end up bouncing like a ball. It’s not that I think that personally because I want to die but my mind is just not well. \r\n\r\nAnyway, this is why I hurt and bleed and get upset easily. I think it is somewhat fear but the thing is if the fear had it's way I would be dead. I’m actually a force to be reckoned with in a non-sociopathic way. I have self-confidence and I can be somewhat attractive. I’m as educated as my mind let’s me be. I’m open-minded and unique. I love my family and friends and would give my life for any of them because I love with my entire being; which is why I am in so much pain. I have never ever hurt any living creature nor do I think I actually could nor do I ever want or intend. I love volunteering. I love animals. I love being me but being me isn’t that great. It is all very confusing sometimes but I’m doing the best I can. I hate guns because my dog was killed by someone who had a gun. Guns are horrible by the way. I’ve never owned one and never will. I never will hold a gun. I actually hate violence. When I was a teenager I would volunteer every weekend. I’m not a monster but writing all this in this manner sort of makes me feel like some sort of monster. I know I’m not one though because I’m compassionate and can sympathize and love with more than my heart can take.\r\n\r\nI wonder if any of this is ringing a bell with anyone? Anyway that’s most of my story. I need to at least post this so maybe I can get some feedback to try to get better as soon as possible. \r\n\r\nI know I’m probably going to have nightmares tonight because of this but it was worth it if I could speak out against abuse and really sort of open up with people and maybe get support.\r\n\r\nAnyway if you have read this far...maybe...maybe we can be friends in the future. But I’m not really sure how that would go...\r\n\r\nP.S. I have written this under ‘discussion’ because I am seeking help. When I write in ‘my journal’ I am seeking self-awareness. It’s ok to talk to me is what I am saying and would be happy for some input. I will try not to strike you like the lethal weapon I have become to survive this cruel world.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":12,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/outsider-very-explicit-and-very-triggering/","title":"Outsider - very explicit and very triggering","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":4,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["MarinaThackwray","malfonzett","friendly02","jquintero"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2242,"name":"Bipolar disorder","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"2139325772764472557","tracking_id":"2139325772764472557","slug":"disc-depression-and-suiside","class":"disc","created":"2018-02-28T19:10:25Z","active":"2018-02-28T19:10:25Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Theoneandonlybubba/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Theoneandonlybubba","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I have had a Ton of loss in my life. I grew up in a huge family and loss was always hard to deal with. It started with my grandpa (my Mom's Dad), aunts, uncles, and cousins that I was very close too then hit home big time all in a few year period when I lost my Grandpa and Dad... My mother at the time lived in another state so she tried to help but all the pain and suffering was left to me and my Grandma whom I moved in with with my Dad just prior to him dying. It destroyed us both. My Grandma told me during this time she just didn't care about anything anymore. I never told anyone but I felt the same. I tried moving from San Diego to Las Vegas mostly because everywhere I looked I seen my Dad. We did everything together even my friends from high school did because he was like a Dad to all of them. Another thing I lost I believe because of this. My Dad's loss was huge for all of us and our group of friends fell apart not soon after. My Mom also helped and agreed moving would be a new start to life. I thought it would be easy because of all the time I spent in Vegas growing up but, it was so hard. I failed miserably at trying to start over in Vegas. My Grandma that backed me in the decision to move died not just a month or 2 after which I blame myself for, because I left her, even though her 2 daughter's said they would and did take care of her. They plain and simply and obviously did not. I moved back and forth from my Uncles in Missouri. He thought i would like it there but, being from a big city made me want to try again and again. I finally thought I was okay back in Vegas, I went to visit my Mom and Stepdad in Missouri and they inspired me to give Vegas another shot. With my Mom's help after a huge bump trusting strangers in Las Vegas. I got my own apartment. I got a good job and had an amazing loving relationship with a girl I loved since high school that now lives in Vegas. Everything was amazing until the loneliness of the road made me a mess to deal with. Then the struggles of being alone at work too much (I was a truck driver) and all my Mental issues hit me super hard because I never dealt with or told anyone about them. I just ran from them. My depression, bipolar, and anxiety came boiling up so hard \r\nAgain, that I ruined that relationship. I fell apart soon after and always had thoughts of suicide. The only thing that kept me alive at first was falling in love with a good friend I met through my ex girlfriend. She understood some of what I was going through and helped me and calmed me at first. I should have talked with her more and told her about all my grief. I focused to much on my ex and not enough on my grief which is the cause of my Mental disabilities. Also not talking with my ex at all crushed me because she was always my best friend before we were together. Another thing that was tough on my new girlfriend because even though I know she loved me she also was good friends with my ex. After struggling through our relationship and my girlfriend finally getting me to like and understand my truck driving job disaster struck. I fell climbing down in my work truck and blew out my knee, back and hip. Being home and depressed majorly took a toll on me and my girlfriend. The process of work comp was so slow money issues came into play on my end only so it hurt me worse. I finally attempted too take me life one day while my girlfriend was at work. I took an entire bottle of Excedrin and called her. She came rushing home to save my life. But I don't know how bad I hurt her by hurting myself. Our relationship was hurt but she stood by me until we got into an argument the same week we were going to move into a new apartment. She stormed out then I broke up with her by phone. I again destroyed the only thing good in my life. A few days later without telling her I packed one bag of a few items and made a deal with my company to go on light duty in Tennessee. Again running not dealing with anything. I left my girlfriend with all my burdens. All our problems. Everything. A few days after I got there I realized i not only lost everything, I lost my best friend for what i thought was too long to get back and the person I loved more than life itself my girlfriend. I have never told anyone this but I took an entire bottle of Advil jel caps 500's. Probably 100 of them, I played down in my hotel bed and went to sleep hopping to never wake up. No one was there to care or check on me but luckily I woke up. I don't know what else to say about that. I met with some drivers in training at the company I worked for and me being a driver trainer prior to getting hurt inspired me to try to get by there. I started enjoying my light duty job there and within a month I talked again with my best friend and then my girlfriend in Las Vegas. This got me by. Me and my girlfriend had an awesome although very emotional call were we cried out everything together and agreed to try again. She called it a redo. I was so happy. I even got to fly home and see her and my best friend during my light duty time. Then again disaster struck at work. My work comp injury too my knee was permanent and they said my hip was Degenerative joint disease at a horrible stage and my back was due to me having Scheuermann's disease since I was a lil boy. All of this costing me my job and because of the Tennessee work comp laws leaving me with no type of lawsuit possible at all. I even met with different lawyers who all agreed. They abruptly sent me back to Las Vegas with nothing. I rented a car I tried to stay with someone who agreed to help me the first few days but they turned on me right away. I could not trust them or stay there because money, what little I had left, disappeared out of my wallet in there presence only. Enough money to be unforgivable. Especially with me not having any income. I met with my girlfriend and did not tell her how bad everything was. I tried after a week of sleeping in my car to tell my best friend but she has dealt with a close suicide before so it did not sit well with her. She tried her best to get me to ask someone for help. I figured that was it. I went out that night and had as much fun as I could knowing in my head what I was going to do the next morning. I drove to the store and bought this time what i thought would work. Over 250 Tylenol night times called PM's 500s. I drove to a parking lot in a mall. I got all the pills out and thought to myself it might be easier to take them if I actually dissolved them in a bottle of water. What saved my life in the long run. I poorer out some of the water in the bottle and put all the pills in with what was left. I sat there and shook the bottle until they all dissolved turning the water into a light blue thick liquid. I messaged my best friend that I was done with life and attempted to drink it all. Luckily about a third of the way through the taste of the pills dissolved was so strong I couldn't finish. I opened the car door through the bottle on the ground and began to vomit. I drove to a friend's house were him and his roommate and her kids lived and they took care of me the rest of the day until I felt well enough to drive again. They had no idea what I had done just thought I was sick. I slept in my car that night and the next day. My best friend messaged me begging me to go to the emergency room for help. Finally I did. I told her, my girlfriend and my Mom which hospital I was going to and walked into emergency with a note explaining everything I had done. I was to overcome with tears to explain it. They took really good care of me. They moved me across town to a behavior hospital were I stayed for almost 2 weeks and got therapy until they felt I could be released. I was not ready at all. They put me in a group home. I struggled there to find a way to live. Having no money was so hard on me. I had to turn in my rental car finally so I had no transportation except the bus and me being barley able to walk hurt so much I could not get around to do anything. My girlfriend kept trying to come see me but there's no way I wanted her near the horrible group home full of criminals and drug addicts. Finally I got a call from a friend that was a driver broker about a job. Even though I could barely do it I took the job so I could get out of that horrible group home that was killing me slowly even keeping my meds and not giving them to me. The company I took the job with was in Los Angeles but had a yard in Las Vegas were they kept there trucks. No employees there at all so they never seen how mentally or physically messed up I was. They just told me the code to get in after meeting me by phone and gave me a truck to make pick ups and deliveries in. Luckily I did not have to load or unload. They paid a doctor to hand me a approved physical without even checking me because they needed help that bad. I even worked the first few days without getting my Comercial licence reinstated so I could make the money to do so. Like I said before I could barley do it. The work days were one day too delivery stay in a hotel then one day back. I struggled but got by at first. With my second paycheck I got my clothes from the hell house of a group home and moved into a weekly rental. They let me park my work truck there so I got by with no car. My girlfriend tried her best to be with me but it was so hard on her. I was such a mess physically and mentally. My best friend through this time was diagnosed with cancer and the thought of loosing her made things unbearable. I tried to bottle everything in. I could not make anything work. I could not physically or mentally keep my job. I did not tell anyone. I cried alone for a week barricaded in my apartment because I couldn't do my job. They came and took there truck away and let me go. The police came and through me out of my apartment with only 24 hour notice. No one could understand why. I spent 2 nights in the 110 degree heat of Las Vegas not knowing what to do. My girlfriend was trying to start a new job and was trying so hard to think of a way to help but was staying somewhere I could not live at the time. I do not blame her at all. I for some stupid reason disappeared from everyone else. I did not tell my best friend anything. I thought to myself this heat is suicide in itself and I thought again and again about doing it again... Finally I called for help. An ambulance took me to the hospital and I spent a few days there. They tried to release me. I called my girlfriend too pick me up but she was working then I thought there is no way I am okay I went back into the emergency room and told them if I left I was sure I would kill myself. They put me back in. I messed up and did not think about the fact that they take everything from you at this point. They put me in a gound and I could not reach anyone except one call to my girlfriend to leave a message that I was going back in. My Mom and best friend had no idea were I was this whole time. I know I hurt them with worry. I know I hurt my girlfriend so bad by never just sitting her down and explaining all this... After one night they took me to the top floor which is that hospitals behavior clinic. I spent 3 weeks there. Therapy helped but not that much. I called my girlfriend and left her a message every day i could. My mother found me there after searching for me and we talked as much as I could. Finally they needed to release me not because I was better but because my insurance finally got cancelled due to not having the job anymore. I took the bus from Las Vegas to California to attempt to get 2 different jobs but they would not hire me at either because I could not pass the physical agility test or climb in and out of the trucks at all. I couldn't even sit through the few hours of orientation classes... Finally the head of the second company called me in and told me how sorry he was but they needed to send me home. I asked for a few minutes. I texted with my girlfriend explaining the situation and my idea to go to my Mom's from there in Missouri to figure out my next move. She agreed and even thought that it was time that maybe even she move out of Las Vegas and join me there after I got settled. I asked the company if they wouldn't mind busing me to my Mom's in Missouri instead of back to Las Vegas and they were very understanding and agreed to pay for my ticket to there. Since I got here it's been tough on all of us, but my Mom and Stepdad have been really understanding and supportive. I am stuck in the very long process of getting on disability and medicade. It is going okay but it's been 6 months and I'm told it could take up to a year to get. Good news is both there physical and psychological doctors both agreed I am in dire need of both and told me such plus my lawyer I hired to assist me agreed and only gets paid after I get my first disability paycheck. The bad news is my girlfriend kept in touch at first and I'm not saying we have broke up yet because she did say she was going through a lot in Vegas but we have not talked in the last few months. I can not reach her. I am praying she is just working on herself and giving me the time to do the same. The last time we talked she did express her wanting to move here and asked me in my spare time to look at jobs in her field for her, she also said I love you too me last. So I am trying hard to hold onto that. I must say though it is very hard to deal with all this without her by my side. Good news is my best friend told me about inspire and how it helps her deal with what she went through with her cancer. Even better news she finished chemotherapy and has beat cancer. It is in remission. Thank god! Writing this has helped me get through this day and hopefully will help me get through this struggle one day at a time. Specially with any help or input anyone reading this might have. Thank you for your time...","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":0,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/depression-and-suiside/","title":"Depression and suiside","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2245,"name":"Depression","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"319941238365391093","tracking_id":"319941238365391093","slug":"jrnl-my-story-127","class":"jrnl","created":"2010-10-16T23:26:14Z","active":"2010-11-25T20:02:48Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/briandbsa/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"briandbsa","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"The following story is a true portrayal of my life since 1996. It is being written to give you a sense of the actual experiences, job changes, relational challenges, etc. that a person diagnosed with Bipolar might go through, at least I had these experiences. The more reflection that I give to the years of my life since 1996, it is clear that the most important changes that have begun and continue to develop in me relate to my character, which continues to be a struggle, the changing of my thoughts and deepening of my relationships with people. The impact of numerous relationships, which include my wife, mother, doctor, friends, counselors, employers, etc., continue to help me survive and grow during this challenging time. So, this is written to each one who has impacted my life along the way. This is my attempt at explaining the journey traveled to get to the point where I am todayâ¦and hopefully you will learn through my experience the value and potential in your lifeâ¦you can push throughâ¦develop into a stronger and better person than you are today, and God will see you through! Now it may take you through many peaks and valleys before you see the benefit of the journey, and just when you think you have âarrivedâ there may be a âset-backâ but believe me, from my experience, I can tell you first hand that you can get past all the negative thoughts, and leave the junk behind. There is hope. There is help. There is a God who cares. And He will see you throughâ¦please donât give upâ¦\r\n\r\nMoving On\r\n\r\nSometimes for us to see that itâs time to move on, circumstances propel us forwardâ¦or get our attention when we least expect it or arenât even looking for âchangeâ to occur. For me that âmove onâ experience began in May 1996 at a time when I thought I was at my âpeakâ in a career in the field of utility locating. The company provided me with a company car, cell phone, and salaryâ¦but I started feeling there must be moreâ¦and my thoughts were, I wanted to be more of an influence in the company, my current position was getting monotonous and I thought that I had the answer. It was basically overnight (a very âmanic momentâ if anyone out there understands what that is like) that the decision was made to write out a four page proposal and offer it to management of the companyâ¦which I didâ¦only to find resentment and objection to such a strong initiative as to offer myself as a partial solution to improve the company culture. At the time it was my feeling that employees (a companyâs most valuable asset) were not being given proper recognition and that I could help change that, as well as morale, production, and company culture. It was considered a âgutsyâ proposal by the owner of the company and âarrogantâ by my immediate manager. I was rocking the boat and those in authority over me wanted my head pushed down under the water and drowned! I was acting very âout of characterâ from the mild mannered, easy going, soft spoken man I normally was typically. I was being decisive!\r\n\r\nLittle by little it was made clear to me by the actions taken by management that they wanted me out. After the feeling of abandonment over took me and loss of trust, obligingly my resignation was turned in. What had seemed like a âlogicalâ decision and bold offer when it was made, led to the beginning of a journey that has had many âups and downsâ over the past several years, but little by little, with Godâs help, Iâm believing that it is leading me to a more stable and positive place of growth and strength and realizing who I am. There have been and continue to be trials, tests, and frustrations to face, although the degree and how I handle them has changed immensely. (Even that same year, in November 1996, I would face the death of my father and the emotions that loss brings, which would be one of the first few trials to bear.)\r\n\r\nAs my career changed from a âknownâ field of six years in utility locating to an unknown field of âsalesââ¦something happenedâ¦new ideas were introduced to me.\r\n\r\nPositive Mental Attitude (PMA) was introduced to me as a way to advance myselfâ¦whether or not I stayed with this new companyâ¦we were encouraged to make PMA a permanent part of our life. The foundation was being laid through the books, tapes, and classroom instruction regarding the impact a positive mental attitude would begin to make, but I was overcoming 35 years of âless-than-positiveâ thinking. It would take a few more years to realize that my wife or my work situation or whatever circumstance I was facing wasnât the problemâ¦I wasâ¦or at least I had the ability to choose my reaction to the circumstance. (There are a few times that I look back now, I wish I had remembered this lesson a little quicker) So, after leaving PMA training I ventured into âcommission salesâ with my new company selling accident insurance door to door across the state of North Carolina. As anyone knows that is in sales, it can be âboomâ or âbustâ depending on your abilities, confidence, and persistence. I struggled for six months doing what I knew to do until realizing that I didnât believe in door to door insurance sales, at least, not for me. It was time to âmove onâ again. (Again, part of the mania, but I really didnât get diagnosed âBipolarâ until 1998â¦so I didnât really know all of these changes had to do with chemical imbalance in my brainâ¦I was just being my indecisive self !?) So, the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays would be celebrated in the midst of learning a new career.\r\n\r\nThis time I decided it made sense to sell something where the customer comes to me, so it was that my new career was begun in selling cars at Lake Norman Chrysler. I reasoned that it would be easier since the customer was coming to me?! Fortunately for me this move was a good one for at least one reasonâ¦a support team of friends was already in place at this dealership, that I personally knew, both my immediate manager and the general manager. They encouraged and helped me to begin to have confidence in myself little by little as the assistance received almost daily spurred me on. (Thanks, Lance, you had no idea how much I needed someone with your integrity, people skills, and personalityâ¦especially as I was learning the car businessâ¦wow, what a place for someone with a âmood disorderâ to be workingâ¦NOTâ¦lol) I did start to do better at the dealership than I had in my previous sales job, but by now the six months of the door to door insurance sales had allowed me to beat myself up emotionally, so it took time to reestablish my confidence, lots of time and each day was a new challenge.\r\n\r\nFor another half a year, car sales was my career choice and I devoted myself to it, with everything that I hadâ¦and usually I had to mentally struggle to get myself to work, but once there I did fairly well selling an average of three to four cars per week. So, somewhere inside of me I realized that I had a natural ability with people (Iâm definitely a âpeople personâ) but also in time I knew it wasnât what I wanted to do on an ongoing basis (or so I thought at the time). Some days I could barely pull myself out of bed because I was so depressed at the thought of facing another negative customer and then would get to work, have a sale and be on top of the world for the remainder of âthatâ dayâ¦but the next day it would start all over again. By the time I got to the car dealership my emotions were so âroller coasterâ that my wife and I thought it would be best for me to get some counseling to get a better handle on it, which I did. For a short period I would go once a week for about 30 minutes and it helped to âtalk outâ my feelings and âget a gripâ on reality. But this particular therapist thought that any mania or depression type of activity in me was actually âlearned behaviorâ because of having a father and brother with the Bipolar diagnosis, and being around them. Perhaps some of that was true, but later we would find out thatâ¦nopeâ¦I got itâ¦like it or notâ¦it was there to be dealt with (but it can beâ¦there are many positive things that can be done including prayer, meds, group therapy, individual therapy, plus it helped me to work and read books, listen to music, you get the idea.)\r\n\r\nIt was during this phase of my life that I decided it would be beneficial to me to make another career move back into the known field of utility locating. (Yes, the yo-yo was moving againâ¦) I remember the day the âYellow Pagesâ were opened to Underground Utility Locating and I called EVERY company in the listing to inquire if they were hiring or not. Of the five or six companies that I called in June 1997, one of them, SoftDig of North Carolina, needed a manager since they had just lost one in May. It would take a couple more weeks of waiting before a one on one interview would be scheduled and Brian Dean Boone would be flown to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania to meet the Owner and Vice President of Operations.\r\n\r\nUnknown to me at the time of the interview, but later revealed was that one of the attractive qualities the owner was looking for in addition to my knowledge and experience in the field of utility locating, was my one year experience in sales!!! He wanted someone to promote the business and get more work coming in. The very thing that I had dreaded and wouldnât have experienced if not booted out of my old utility locating job (due to the manic experience there)â¦led to a new, exciting, and meaningful job with better benefits, insurance, and salary. \r\n\r\nWhat stands out the most in my mind, from meeting the owner of the company, is his eye to eye discussions and âgentlemanâs handshakeâ agreements. It was a reminder of earlier training (both in insurance and car sales) the importance of looking someone in the eye and shaking their hand. I knew that Ed and I would work well together. I liked him. I trusted him. And he was more than fair to me.\r\n\r\nI flew back to Charlotte, North Carolina a new man that dayâ¦a burden had been lifted. It wasnât over night, but day by day and week by week my confidence grew even stronger than it had been before. My wife was very instrumental in helping me realize that I could do this and helped encourage me forward. âSalesâ would continue to be somewhat of a âchallengeâ (arenât they always! .lol) to me as I went through the next seven years, but I was truly enjoying the work as manager and being in a position of leadership and responsibility.\r\n\r\nThe first two years 1997 through 1999 went fairly smoothly. Toward the end of 1999 I was on a mission trip out of the country to Israel and the leader of the group let me know, in a gentle way, that I seemed to be âoverly emotionalâ. Upon my return home I saw a doctor and for the first time in my life a prescription was given to me to take a tablet every day to keep my emotions from going âover the edgeâ. In spite of what seemed to me to be a negative situation (no one ever wants to feel âout of controlâ emotionally or in any way) the job was helping me to maintain myselfâ¦and it flourished during this time. It must be said that my wife spent a lot of time praying for me during this period in my life which also played a huge part in my stability and she has always prayed for me, even in times when I wasnât acting with exactly 100% Christian character. The combination of God, wife, familiar job, family, church, and prayer (not necessarily in that order) certainly led to my life beginning to âlevel outâ. Things went very well for me personally for the next few years, and the company continued on a steady upward slope until 2001â¦that was the beginning of an economic slow down for the company. This was also the first time the company ever considered a downsizing due to lack of sales growth for that year.\r\n\r\nWhen a person is faced with the possibility of losing a job, deep contemplation begins. I started feeling the rumblings for change, but felt that I needed NOT to panic or be upset or frustratedâ¦I needed to know that God was in control of my future, but that I may need to make a choice and take some action, but perhaps not yet.\r\n\r\nOur final year passed when the company, SoftDig, finally pulled out of the Carolinas in May 2004 and I felt drawn to join CARMAX in June 2004, where I was employed for 1 ½ years. I had some âup and downâ moments at this dealership, because even though they had a formula, a routine, a way of selling cars, it still was âselling carsâ and âpeople are peopleââ¦some are fickle and some are great. During the CarMax years my wife went out of town on a trip to Spain with our church choir, I remember that being a very manic weekâ¦she wasnât there to influence me in any way and I did some stupid things that week. Itâs hard to explain the BP unless youâve been through the cycle yourself, but basically it can give you such a feeling of euphoria, that you have such confidence to do just about anything you want to doâ¦kinda scary. \r\n\r\nToward the end of my year and a half with the dealership I began feeling the urge to âmake more moneyâ which led me to leaveâ¦one more timeâ¦and ironically I applied and joined American Republic Insurance Companyâ¦thatâs rightâ¦.back into insurance once again! I never thought when I left after the first time in the industry that I would return, but I didâ¦eight months I worked with this company but didnât feel like I received the support, encouragement, or money which led me to my âmove onâ decision to join ASSURECOR, which seemed like the best move I had made since leaving SoftDig of North Carolina.\r\n\r\nThe time that I spent working at ASSURECOR (insurance brokers) was one of what seemed to be a better atmosphere with some encouragementâ¦such as the âlittle thingsâ the owner did like buying lunch on Mondays for several weeks after I started with the company or paying for car washes on Fridays, which seemed to show me a little more care and consideration than my previous employer had shown. I continued to struggle some with sales and yet I had sales EVERY week! God is faithful. The strength of my life during this whole ordeal has been my continued belief that God will ânever leave me nor forsake meâ and that He has a plan for my life. (Unfortunately, Iâm finding that there have been times in my life that I stepped away from HIM, itâs not that He left meâ¦what was I thinking?????) I have believed for most of my life that Iâm in the center of His will, itâs just that sometimes I would like Him to move faster or perhaps do things âfor meâ that He intends for me to do for myself. Some of the AssureCor sales meetings would touch on some of the important things to keep in mind such as a positive ATTITUDE, BELIEF in yourself and your product, and CONFIDENCE. Now fast forward to 2010 and Iâm beginning to realize what I knew in my 20âsâ¦the ONLY thing that is important is my relationship to Jesus Christ. Without Him I have no strength, no reason to go on, but with Him there is life, joy, peace, and Iâm not just âpreachingâ hereâ¦this is a reality that I personally have found to be true. I donât think Iâll ever âarriveâ to be 100% perfect on this earth but as long as Iâm continually learning of Godâs ways by reading His word and praying and getting better and growing, thatâs âgood enoughâ for me!\r\n\r\nI need to insert that in addition to my PMA training in 1996, later in 1999 my wife and I started consuming positive self help books, tapes, and seminars through the Quixtar Corporation which gave us additional training in dealing with peopleâ¦which also helped us to deal with one another. (Well, I thought it didâ¦but we did revert to some old learned behaviors at times, which defeated the trainingâ¦but thenâ¦we too are human). To this day we continue to work on the area of communicating effectively with each other, but it has definitely helped us grow as people. (You can never get tooooo much positive reinforcement whether from books, tapes, seminars, therapists, counselors, friends, or whatever the source).\r\n\r\nWhen you add my biblical beliefs with positive thinking it eventually led me to believe I COULD do more, be more, was worth moreâ¦than what I had thought previously. Additionally I experienced a âDale Carnegie Courseâ in 2003 which helped to propel me further in my belief that one day I would have my own company and be able to motivate and encourage people. You see, it is my hearts desire to effectively touch peopleâs lives in a positive way and help them see their worth and potential. The struggle of my life has been having the confidence to do the things I know Iâm meant to do. I have had to work in times of depression, and mania, as my diagnosis of âbipolarâ a few years back has tried to hold me backâ¦but Iâm not giving upâ¦and Iâm not stoppingâ¦Iâm moving on. I have found that I am as ânormalâ as the next guy (as long as I take my âpillâ every day) and function as well, today, as I ever have in my life, itâs just that I happen to have this thing, this ailment, that must be medicatedâ¦no different than if someone has a physical issue of some sort.\r\n\r\nFor a long, long time I did NOT know what my heartâs desire wasâ¦I was cluelessâ¦but the more I learned and the more I read and mixed it with positive actionâ¦the closer I got to realizing what it was that was driving me. I know in my heart of hearts that I want to be a leader, an encourager, a motivator, someone that people come to when they need inspirationâ¦a friend.\r\n\r\nInterwoven throughout each of these experiences over the past 12 plus years is mania and depression, but with proper diagnosis, medication, good friends, good therapists, peer groups, prayer, a good church, a loving spouse and the variety of things that I personally believe it takes to make one balanced, especially when diagnosed with bipolar , you can live a healthy and ânormalâ life.\r\n\r\nIt may not happen over-night, but positive change is absolutely possible.\r\n\r\nYou are every bit as valuable a human being as me, God created each of us.\r\n\r\nAnd He can use anyone who is available and puts His principles to practice.\r\n\r\nI strive each day to live a life that is positive and centered on othersâ¦itâs an ongoing challengeâ¦I \r\nencourage you to do the same, it can have an awesome impact on your life!\r\n\r\nBrian D. Boone \r\nCharlotte, NC 28277 \r\n(704) 965-8183 \r\nbriandbsa@hotmail.com\r\n \r\nNOTE: On May 3, 2007 God opened a new door at a new opportunity giving me the chance to be an âIncome Property Specialistâ with Convergent Acquisitions and Development. The experience of working there was awesome as I worked with positive, personality plus people that worked with a âcan doâ attitude and get the job done performance! Although I planned for this to be my final move, there was to be a twist in my journey. \r\n\r\nAfter being laid off November 2007 (due to the mortgage industry mess) from the above organization and surviving four months of unemployment, I began work at âNational Write Your Congressman, Inc.â where I felt God was teaching me total dependence on him (yes, itâs a commission job) and each day is a new beginning!!! I met the minimum sales goal that would permit me to fly to Dallas, Texas (headquarters) but on the very week that I was to leave I had a VERY MANIC episodeâ¦it was a day I will never forget (May 11, 2008) for many reasons. I woke up in the middle of the night and was âout of itâ (we later learned my medication had become toxic to me, I had taken too much of it over an extended period of time). I was aggressive toward my wife (which I am normally not that way). Iâm thankful to say I got the help I needed (if we hadnât been so tight on money I would have gone to the doctor regularly and had my blood drawn to know I had tooooo much medicine in my system, but we didnât know). God continues to heal those memories, and finally I have permanent employment as mine ended at National Write Your Congressman after this âincidentâ. I am learning that whatsoever state I find myself in, to be contentâ¦I now enjoy my position as a Security Manager for a Retirement Community, â¦there IS hopeâ¦there is HELPâ¦and if you ever need someone to talk to about YOUR situationâ¦let me know. The latest chapter in my life is God teaching me about forgiveness, love, and what it takes to really appreciate my wife. She has been there for me time and time again. I just canât tell you what sheâs been through in the past 23+ years with me. It takes a lot to describe some of these experiences, but Iâve had them. Iâve lived them. I know what BP can be like. And my wife can attest to how it affects family!\r\n\r\nP.S. Please feel free to contact me anytime with any comments, questions, or responses. \r\n\r\nThank you for your time in reading this story about my life, hopefully it has had a positive impact on you.\r\n\r\nIn the midst of any and every storm in my life there has always been an assurance that God IS keeping me and helping me to make it one more dayâ¦He is my source of strength no matter what the circumstance I face.\r\n\r\nWith the right beliefs, the right mind set, the right choices, and the right actionsâ¦yes, you canâ¦positively change! (Now I just have to remember my own advice!!!) \r\n\r\nâThere is no education like adversityâ ---Benjamin Disareli","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":1,"url":"/m/briandbsa/journal/my-story-127/","title":"My Story","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false}],"__typename":"PostSearchResult"},"__typename":"SearchResult"}}}}</script></body></html>