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Biden Authorizes Ukraine To Use Long-Range Weapons On Him - The Onion

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said the visibly depleted commander-in-chief, who described how the U.S.-provided Army Tactical Missile Systems, or ATACMS, would provide Ukraine&#8217;s forces with a crucial edge in wiping him off the map after years of grinding existence. &#8220;It has been a long road to get here. Frankly, I&#8217;m tired. So, so tired. All I want to do is to go away forever. A missile launched over 5,500 miles from Eastern Europe would do that exactly. So launch the strike, Volodymyr. You&#8217;ll be doing me a favor, all right? 10…9…8…&#8221; At press time, Biden was spotted waving his arms as he stepped onto the White House lawn and looked expectantly toward the sky.</p> </div></div> <div class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow block-visibility-hide-large-screen"> <div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer gridible-hidden--sm gridible-hidden--lg" style="height:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40)" aria-hidden="true"></div> <div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer gridible-hidden--lg" style="height:32px" aria-hidden="true"></div> <div class="wp-block-group has-background is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow" style="background-color:#f3f3f3;margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--50);padding-top:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30);padding-right:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30);padding-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30);padding-left:var(--wp--preset--spacing--30)"> <p class="has-text-align-center has-shade-1-color has-text-color 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href="https://theonion.com/notre-dame-to-reopen/" rel="prev"><strong>Continued on next page</strong></a></div></div> </div> </section> <section class="wp-block-group is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"> <div class="wp-block-mbm-post-terms-conditional-container is-layout-flow wp-block-mbm-post-terms-conditional-container-is-layout-flow"> <div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer" style="height:32px" aria-hidden="true"></div> <p class="has-primary-1-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-echo-font-size wp-elements-f820d62d86891df3d7265c9d671a8ff9" style="margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);font-style:normal;font-weight:700">Explore Tags</p> <div style="font-style:normal;font-weight:600;text-transform:none" class="taxonomy-post_tag wp-block-post-terms has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family"><a href="https://theonion.com/tag/joe-biden/" rel="tag">Joe Biden</a><span class="wp-block-post-terms__separator"> </span><a href="https://theonion.com/tag/vol-60-issue-47/" rel="tag">Vol 60: Issue 47</a></div> </div> </section> <section class="wp-block-group single-post-related-content is-layout-flow wp-block-group-is-layout-flow"> <div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer gridible-hidden--sm" style="height:var(--wp--preset--spacing--60)" aria-hidden="true"></div> <div class="wp-block-gridible-responsive-spacer gridible-hidden--md gridible-hidden--lg" style="height:var(--wp--preset--spacing--50)" aria-hidden="true"></div> <p class="has-primary-1-color has-text-color has-link-color has-tablet-gothic-semi-condensed-font-family has-echo-font-size wp-elements-370bfd51d4b8fb36e9beca22afcddfb4" style="margin-bottom:var(--wp--preset--spacing--40);font-style:normal;font-weight:700">Related Coverage</p> <div class="wp-block-query is-layout-flow wp-block-query-is-layout-flow"><ul class="wp-block-post-template is-layout-flow wp-block-post-template-is-layout-flow"><li class="wp-block-post post-1851679534 post 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