My Daughter Is Too Overwhelmed to Work on Her College Applications

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I became the nagging parent.</h1> </section> <section class="byline-wrapper " data-interaction-trigger="legacy-share,save-article,read-in-app-button" > <div class="byline " data-e2e-name="byline" > <div class="byline-content" data-e2e-name="byline-content" > <div class="byline-row"> <div class="byline-author-container"> <div class="byline-author headline-regular"> <span class="headline-regular">Essay by</span> <span class="" data-e2e-name="Alana Sheeren" > <a class="byline-link byline-author-name" data-e2e-name="byline-author-name" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/author/alana-sheeren" >Alana Sheeren</a></span> </div> <time class="byline-timestamp headline-regular js-date-format" data-timestamp="2024-11-13T21:42:02Z" data-e2e-name="byline-timestamp" data-disable-relative-formatting > 2024-11-13T21:42:02Z </time> </div> </div> </div> </div> <section class="sharebar " data-component-type="legacy-share" data-load-strategy="interaction" data-location="" > <div class="share-button-dropdown-wrapper"> <button class="share-button sharebar-link headline-regular"><svg class="svg-icon share-icon " role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="1em" height="1em" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 12 12"> <defs/> <title>Share icon</title> <desc>An curved arrow pointing right.</desc> <path fill-rule="evenodd" d="M7.336 8.014l4.2-3.5-4.2-3.5v2.8h-2.54c-1.948 0-3.526 1.567-3.526 3.5v3.16h1.469v-3.16a2.05 2.05 0 012.056-2.042h2.54v2.742z" clip-rule="evenodd"/> </svg> <span class="button-text">Share</span> </button> <div class="share-dropdown-menu dropdown-menu"> <span class="dropdown-menu-item"> <span class="share-link facebook " data-facebook data-href="https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Fdaughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11&utmSource=facebook&utmContent=referral&utmTerm=topbar&referrer=facebook" label="facebook" title="Share on Facebook" aria-label="Click to share on Facebook" data-share-link data-flip-widget="" data-track-element="story" data-track-event-label="facebook" data-href-share="https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Fdaughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11&utmSource=facebook&utmContent=referral&utmTerm=topbar&referrer=facebook" data-e2e-name="share-link-facebook" data-utm-term="" target="_blank" > <span class="dropdown-icon"><svg class="svg-icon social-facebook-icon " role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 24 24" aria-labelledby="Facebook" > <path fill="currentColor" d="M22 12.037C22 6.494 17.523 2 12 2S2 6.494 2 12.037c0 4.707 3.229 8.656 7.584 9.741v-6.674H7.522v-3.067h2.062v-1.322c0-3.416 1.54-5 4.882-5 .634 0 1.727.125 2.174.25v2.78a12.807 12.807 0 0 0-1.155-.037c-1.64 0-2.273.623-2.273 2.244v1.085h3.266l-.561 3.067h-2.705V22C18.163 21.4 22 17.168 22 12.037Z"/> </svg></span> <span class="dropdown-text headline-regular">Facebook</span> </span> </span> <span class="dropdown-menu-item"> <a class="share-link email " data-email data-share-link href="mailto:?subject=My daughter was too overwhelmed to focus on her college applications. 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data-e2e-name="image-figure-image" data-media-container="image" itemscope itemtype="https://schema.org/ImageObject" > <div class="aspect-ratio" style="padding-top: calc(100% / (2023 / 1517))" > <meta itemprop="contentUrl" content="https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=700"/> <img src="https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=700" srcset="https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=400&format=jpeg&auto=webp 400w, https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=500&format=jpeg&auto=webp 500w, https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=700&format=jpeg&auto=webp 700w, https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=1000&format=jpeg&auto=webp 1000w, https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=1300&format=jpeg&auto=webp 1300w, https://i.insider.com/6733945488cea3ba1c202acc?width=2000&format=jpeg&auto=webp 2000w" sizes="(min-width: 1280px) 900px" alt="A selfie of Alana Sheeren and her daughter." decoding="sync" /> </div> <span class="image-source-caption with-caption-drawer"> <input class="caption-drawer-input" type="checkbox" id="caption-drawer-checkbox"> <label class="caption-drawer-label" for="caption-drawer-btn"> <svg class="svg-icon chevron-down-icon caption-drawer-icon" role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 24 24" > <path fill="currentColor" fill-rule="evenodd" d="m19.44 5.5-7.486 7.72L4.56 5.594 2 8.234 11.954 18.5 22 8.14 19.44 5.5Z"/> </svg> </label> <figcaption class="image-caption headline-semibold" data-e2e-name="image-caption" > <span class="image-caption-text">The author, left, was frustrated because her daughter didn't want to do her college applications.</span> <span class="image-source-text"> <span class="image-source headline-regular" data-e2e-name="image-source" itemprop="creditText" > Courtesy of Alana Sheeren </span> </span> </figcaption> </span> </figure> <div class="inline-backup-paywall desktop" data-component-type="inline-backup-paywall" style="display:none"> <span class="headline-semibold subscription-msg">This story is available exclusively to Business Insider subscribers. <a href="/subscription" class="subscription-link">Become an Insider</a> and start reading now.</span> <span class="headline-regular login-prompt">Have an account? <button class="login-prompt-btn">Log in</button>.</span> </div> <div> <section class="post-content typography " data-track-content="" data-post-type="post" > <div id="piano-inline-content-wrapper" data-piano-inline-content-wrapper data-user-status="anonymous" > <div data-component-type="content-lock" data-load-strategy="exclude"> <div class="content-lock-content"> <ul class="summary-list"><li>My high-achieving high-school senior had been avoiding her college applications.</li><li>Badgering her to get started only hurt our normally strong relationship.</li><li>I learned she was just overwhelmed with schoolwork and the prospect of college.</li></ul><p>My high-school senior is typically a happy, easygoing kid who set her sights on graduating in the top 50 of her class before her first day of freshman year. We never pushed her on grades and are mostly hands-off when it comes to academics because she's driven and responsible. So I was surprised when she was dragging her feet with <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/successful-ivy-league-college-application-look-insider-2024-5" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">college applications</a>.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper ad-label headline-medium only-desktop"> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-1" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-1/parenting" data-secvert="education" data-tag="essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions" data-authors="alana-sheeren" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-1" data-url="/daughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-1/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-1","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-not-lazy="" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>I knew we needed to get started over the summer to avoid the stress of meeting deadlines at the last minute. We talked and talked about it, but she kept putting it off. As August turned to September, I was constantly on her case to get started, and our normally close <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/single-mom-bittersweet-changing-dynamic-with-daughter-2024-1" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">mother-daughter relationship</a> began to suffer.</p><p>I could see her cringe whenever I brought up the subject, but I couldn't stop myself. I hated being the <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/millennials-gen-z-tracking-parents-location-sharing-phones-helicopter-parenting-2024-9" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">nagging parent</a>, but I didn't know what else to do.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper ad-label headline-medium only-desktop"> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-2" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-2/parenting" data-secvert="education" data-tag="essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions" data-authors="alana-sheeren" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-2" data-url="/daughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-2/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-2","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><h2 id="c1cc30ba-a2ad-4487-a8b1-1575472a3762" data-toc-id="c1cc30ba-a2ad-4487-a8b1-1575472a3762"><strong>My daughter was simply overwhelmed</strong></h2><p>Her lack of action kept me awake at night, and my overbearing attitude caused her to withdraw. We were at a stalemate, and time was ticking, so I called a <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/family-meetings-saved-marriage-after-becoming-mom" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">family meeting</a>.</p><p>Her dad and I asked if she still wanted to attend a <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/college-tuition-my-son-pays-gets-good-grades-2024-10" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">four-year university</a>. Many high-school graduates in our small city go to the local college for two years, then transfer to a University of California or California State school. It's an affordable route that would relieve the pressure, but she said no — she wanted a four-year college experience.</p><p>We asked her what she thought her resistance was related to and how we could support her without being overbearing.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper ad-label headline-medium only-desktop"> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-3" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-3/parenting" data-secvert="education" data-tag="essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions" data-authors="alana-sheeren" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-3" data-url="/daughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-3/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-3","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>Part of the problem was she'd taken on so much in her junior year that she was burned out by the time summer rolled around. But instead of taking a break, she took two college classes, was her school's delegate for California Girls State, and traveled to see family. By the time her second college class was done, she was back at school with her student-leadership class, preparing for the first day. She started her <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/college-senior-advice-what-freshmen-need-to-know-2023-8" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">senior year</a> depleted.</p><p>She also said applying to <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/college-nyu-fresham-move-overwhelming-2023-9" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">college felt overwhelming</a> because it was so important, and my constant reminders didn't help. I knew I needed to back off, but she also needed support splitting the applications into manageable chunks.</p> <section class="dad-related-posts-component at-inline related-posts" data-component-type="dad-related-posts" data-delay-third-party-scripts="true" data-size="2" data-container-index="in_content_recirc_1" data-included-verticals="parenting" data-placement="inline" data-excluded-verticals="bi-video" data-root-margin="250px 0px" data-track-view="{"event":"module_in_view","element_name":"in_content_recirc","subscription_experience":"bi_value_unassigned","product_field":"in_content_recirc_1"}"> <div class="content-recommendations-title-container"> <h2 class="content-recommendations-title display-xs ignore-typography"> Related stories </h2> </div> <div class="dad-related-posts-container"></div> </section> <h2 id="1e1f82aa-4550-4f45-bd04-747c2c5962da" data-toc-id="1e1f82aa-4550-4f45-bd04-747c2c5962da"><strong>We slowly tackled the problem</strong></h2><p>"The reality is that this is too big of a process for any child to do alone," Lisa McLaughlin, a college-admissions strategist who founded <a target="_blank" href="http://www.theadmissionsformula.com/" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel=" nofollow">The Admissions Formula</a>, said. "Most students do not have the exact executive-functioning skills to be able to manage such a big project. And so you're walking this line of how much help is too much help."</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper ad-label headline-medium only-desktop"> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-4" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting" data-secvert="education" data-tag="essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions" data-authors="alana-sheeren" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-4" data-url="/daughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>With homework and a lead role in the school play, my daughter's weeknights were jam-packed, so we scheduled flexible but nonnegotiable time on weekends for college work.</p><p>We also created a shared folder with separate documents for <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/personal-finance/student-loans/when-to-file-fafsa" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">application deadlines</a>, the questions each college asks, and other necessary to-dos. We added important dates to a shared calendar.</p><p>My goal was to talk about college only during those scheduled times unless a deadline needed to be met during the week. When I started to feel stressed about what still needed to get done, I focused on things that were my responsibility, like <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/personal-finance/student-loans/need-based-financial-aid" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">financial-aid</a> documents. I also talked with a friend who had been through the process recently and went for walks to clear my head.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper ad-label headline-medium only-desktop"> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-5" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting" data-secvert="education" data-tag="essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions" data-authors="alana-sheeren" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-5" data-url="/daughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>"We as parents have to get our own stuff in check because it's not fair to them that we're bringing our own 'ahhhh' into their lives," McLaughlin said when I admitted to <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/health/mental-health/stress-vs-anxiety" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">feeling anxious</a>. "We have to create the safest possible space in our homes for our teens to be able to talk to us about pressure and stress and let them know that it's OK— we're going to get through this together."</p><h2 id="39bbb71e-8814-4847-b3f8-1c10114fb126" data-toc-id="39bbb71e-8814-4847-b3f8-1c10114fb126">My daughter has officially applied to college</h2><p id="39bbb71e-8814-4847-b3f8-1c10114fb126">It seemed the shifts we made worked. <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/begged-daughter-live-home-college-dorm-2024-11" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">My daughter</a> has submitted three college applications. There were no fights, no tears, and no nagging.</p><p>I realized she needed the space to figure it out on her own, with her dad and me as a safety net in case she stumbled.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper ad-label headline-medium only-desktop"> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-6" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting" data-secvert="education" data-tag="essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions" data-authors="alana-sheeren" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-6" data-url="/daughter-overwhelmed-work-on-college-applications-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"essay,parenting-freelancer,parenting,college,college-applications,college-admissions","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>Most of all, I wanted to preserve our relationship so she's not afraid to talk to us about her challenges, especially after she decides which college to attend and is out on her own next year.</p> </div> </div> </div> </section> </div> <section class="post-content-more"> <section class="dad-related-posts-component at-post-bottom related-posts standard" data-component-type="dad-related-posts" data-delay-third-party-scripts="true" data-size="4" data-container-index="" data-included-verticals="parenting" data-placement="post-bottom" data-excluded-verticals="bi-video" data-root-margin="250px 0px" 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