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class="page-title">Tag: <span>death</span></h1> </header> <article id="post-8148" class="post-8148 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-blog tag-aaron-johnson tag-being-human tag-bipoc tag-cut-project tag-death tag-film tag-film-screening tag-grief tag-platonic-touch tag-survival tag-tenderness tag-touch"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/" rel="category tag">Blog</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tender-dangerous/" rel="bookmark">Tender/Dangerous</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <p>I wish I could be in the Pacific Northwest to attend one of these screenings for <em><a href="https://www.cutproject.org/" data-type="link" data-id="https://www.cutproject.org/">Dark and Tender</a></em>, a film exploring the work of Aaron Johnson and the Chronically UnderTouched (CUT) Project. </p> <p>From their website:</p> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>The Chronically UnderTouched (CUT) Project is a movement supporting People of the Global Majority — people of color — to recover healthy, nourishing, platonic touch in a culture that, in the United States, denies it at every turn. </p> </blockquote> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>Born out of the development and tracking of the Chronically UnderTouched trauma story, the CUT Project develops accessible practices — deep listening, song, access to nature — as antidotes to the Black Brute archetype. […] Tender, thoughtful touch and holding, to the Black male body, is so dangerous to white supremacy that they use all matters of violence to erase this practice.</p> </blockquote> <p>I’m watching my dad decline and trying to stay present for the version of him that remains and always, <em>always</em> thinking about grief in this country. How we drown it, gloss over it. We’re starved of the emotional technology that helps us process any of this. Our rituals fall so short. Aaron’s work illuminates the ways this deprivation disproportionately impacts people of color, making it all the more timely. </p> <p>These days my ears perk up when someone speaks with the candor that comes from living through immeasurable loss. I find myself gravitating to places I never would’ve called home before: grief circles, mortality workshops, books and books and books about mourning, death, and ceremony.</p> <p>Touch is a cornerstone of survival in this season. The older I get, the more deeply I know it. I know it because I want it. I want lingering hugs that last a full breath. I want leonine forehead to forehead greetings. I want a hand on the shoulder, a back scratch, the reassuring weight of leaning into someone side by side. I want to feel us shoring each other up, reminding one another that we are warm and breathing and <em>alive</em>, even as we hold everything that breaks us.</p> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tender-dangerous/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2024-09-30T21:27:28-07:00">September 30, 2024</time><time class="updated" datetime="2024-10-01T15:56:21-07:00">October 1, 2024</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/aaron-johnson/" rel="tag">Aaron Johnson</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/being-human/" rel="tag">being human</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/bipoc/" rel="tag">BIPOC</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/cut-project/" rel="tag">CUT Project</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/film/" rel="tag">film</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/film-screening/" rel="tag">film screening</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/grief/" rel="tag">grief</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/platonic-touch/" rel="tag">platonic touch</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/survival/" rel="tag">survival</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/tenderness/" rel="tag">tenderness</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/touch/" rel="tag">touch</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> <article id="post-7945" class="post-7945 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-brain-food category-reading tag-300-arguments tag-death tag-die-wise tag-reading tag-sarah-manguso tag-stephen-jenkinson"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/brain-food/" rel="category tag">Brain Food</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/reading/" rel="category tag">Reading</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/the-island/" rel="bookmark">The Island</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>I wish I’d known at twenty-one, when I developed a chronic illness and became suddenly alienated from all my peers, that over the decades, one by one, all of them would come join me on my island.</p> <cite>Sarah Manguso, <em>300 Arguments</em></cite></blockquote> <p>I come back to this quote a lot these days, thinking about it from the perspective of losing a loved one early in life, or becoming a caregiver, or any of the other life circumstances that hit us before we feel they “should.” It’s a weird construct, when you get right down to it. These things happen all the time, so what undergirds the idea that they’re aberrant? </p> <p>I’m much further into reading Stephen Jenkinson’s <em><a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://orphanwisdom.com/die-wise/" target="_blank">Die Wise</a></em> than I was a couple months ago. (Funny how I can’t crack into a book that gets too directly at my current lived experience while I’m right up close to it. I had to go to another state before I could find a way in. I’m hooked now, though.) As far as he’s concerned the undergirding is a sense of entitlement; this particularly North American obsession with individuality and control and comfort.</p> <p>The book’s full of things I feel like I’ll need a long, long time to process.</p> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/the-island/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2023-06-15T09:04:13-07:00">June 15, 2023</time><time class="updated" datetime="2023-06-15T09:04:14-07:00">June 15, 2023</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/300-arguments/" rel="tag">300 arguments</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/die-wise/" rel="tag">die wise</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/reading/" rel="tag">reading</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/sarah-manguso/" rel="tag">sarah manguso</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/stephen-jenkinson/" rel="tag">Stephen Jenkinson</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> <article id="post-7912" class="post-7912 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-ojai category-photos tag-2649 tag-annual-view tag-death tag-depression tag-family tag-grass tag-grief tag-habits tag-lacunae tag-loss tag-ojai-2 tag-rain tag-the-saddle tag-walking tag-walks"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/ojai/" rel="category tag">Ojai</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/photos/" rel="category tag">Photos</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/a-view-3/" rel="bookmark">A View (3)</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large is-style-default"><img fetchpriority="high" decoding="async" width="1024" height="768" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/IMG_8588-1024x768.jpeg" alt="A hillside covered in lush grass with a cloudy expanse of sky above it." class="wp-image-7913" srcset="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/IMG_8588-1024x768.jpeg 1024w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/IMG_8588-300x225.jpeg 300w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/IMG_8588-768x576.jpeg 768w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/03/IMG_8588.jpeg 1280w" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px"></figure> <p>(Previously from this spot: <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://lucybellwood.com/a-view-2/" target="_blank">2022</a>, <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://lucybellwood.com/a-view/" target="_blank">2021</a>)</p> <p>It’s been hard to get out of the house recently.</p> <p>Our neighbor of 31 years died in February, followed by my godfather in March. They each meant very different things to me, but both occupied an archetypal permanence that’s hard to reconcile with death. And all grief is linked, isn’t it? This thread pulls on that one and so on and so on until the tapestry unravels and you’re left holding a mess of snotty string.</p> <p>The last two weeks of my wall calendar are utterly blank. I’ve learned to read these gaps in my paper trail as markers of total emotional exhaustion (although sometimes they correlate with the thrill of a new relationship). In this case, I know the data is missing because I’ve been too tired to track whether I wore my mouth guard, too forgetful to know if I attended a Zoom meeting, too frazzled to write Morning Pages. Too much. Too much. </p> <p>Last night I finally turned my phone all the way off and threw it behind the bookshelf. I buried my laptop in the couch cushions. I hid my iPad in the closet. I hucked all this technology out of my room because I was drowning in it, trying to get away from everything.</p> <p>Instead, today, I walked. Not for long, but enough to remember what my legs are for. Enough to see how everything has changed from storm after storm of rich rainwater filtering into the hillsides since January. You can stick a finger in the earth and water pours out. Every divot in the trail is a spring.</p> <p>We’ve passed the equinox. Life is coming back.</p> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/a-view-3/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2023-03-23T17:14:13-07:00">March 23, 2023</time><time class="updated" datetime="2023-03-23T17:14:14-07:00">March 23, 2023</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/2023/" rel="tag">2023</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/annual-view/" rel="tag">annual view</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/depression/" rel="tag">depression</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/family/" rel="tag">family</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/grass/" rel="tag">grass</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/grief/" rel="tag">grief</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/habits/" rel="tag">habits</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/lacunae/" rel="tag">lacunae</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/loss/" rel="tag">loss</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/ojai-2/" rel="tag">ojai</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/rain/" rel="tag">rain</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/the-saddle/" rel="tag">The saddle</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/walking/" rel="tag">walking</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/walks/" rel="tag">walks</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> <article id="post-7895" class="post-7895 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-brain-food category-reading tag-age tag-choice tag-christina-tran tag-death tag-die-wise tag-dr-martin-shaw tag-inheritance tag-marlee-grace tag-newsletters tag-practice tag-reading tag-rhyming tag-shay-mirk tag-stephen-jenkinson tag-wisdom"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/brain-food/" rel="category tag">Brain Food</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/reading/" rel="category tag">Reading</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/five-rhymes/" rel="bookmark">Five Rhymes</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p id="block-597cea66-ceef-461d-b906-7da8c962c753">We think of people as settling down when they get older, getting more set in their ways. But that hasn’t been my experience. Instead as I get older, I’m itching to get weirder. I think that in my twenties, I was so determined to carve out space for myself in the world. And now that I have that space, I don’t really feel like I have anything to prove. So it’s safe to ask some big questions about who I actually am. I’m more up for rethinking what I thought I knew. I like the idea of not being content with the apples you can grasp.</p> <cite><a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://sarahmirk.substack.com/p/a-few-apples-that-are-impossible?publication_id=769945&post_id=106508977&isFreemail=true" target="_blank">Shay</a></cite></blockquote> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>Is it that we actively pull ourselves into being by our very actions, our choices laying the foundations brick by brick for who we are and who we will become…?</p> <p>Or is it that what pulls <em>us</em> into being, what pushes us toward action, is the ache, is our future selves, is the wisdom in our present yearning, foretold and prophesied by a future world who wants us to become who we inevitably need to become to create itself…?</p> <p>Yes.</p> <cite><a href="https://www.patreon.com/posts/it-takes-two-to-79466388?token=eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJyZWRpc19rZXkiOiJpYTo3MGU4ZWRlNC01ZGIzLTRiY2YtOGUxMi1jYjdiNmYzMjJiNzAiLCJwb3N0X2lkIjo3OTQ2NjM4OCwicGF0cm9uX2lkIjo2Nzc3M30.mcJ4CEdsaVsv1xZ3Be2g_KQASd0_aFfFNXx2GMmMJVc" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Christina</a></cite></blockquote> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>Maybe this swirl of awe and marvel and good intent for the world and gratitude for ourselves in it is where all the religions came from. That is where our feel for the sacred in the world is conjured, surely, the ordinary, staggering mystery of where it all comes from before it is born here among us and where it all goes after it dies away from us, the starry midnight courtship of the heart that whispers, “What is gone is still with you, still here. As you will be.”</p> <cite><a href="https://orphanwisdom.com/die-wise/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Stephen</a></cite></blockquote> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>Not every experience needs to be put in the basket of “turn this into a beautiful piece of writing for the people”, but everything goes in the basket of – perhaps there is more to this than meets the eye.</p> <cite><a href="https://marleegrace.substack.com/p/the-shapes-of-our-offerings?publication_id=366784&post_id=105402062&isFreemail=true" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Marlee</a></cite></blockquote> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"> <p>This is the inheritance that no one ever told you about—wild and curious, unblinking, sorrow-eyed and courageous chested, shuddering the rain from its feathers, ready to launch into the dusking light.</p> <cite><a href="https://drmartinshaw.com/" target="_blank" rel="noreferrer noopener">Martin</a></cite></blockquote> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/five-rhymes/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2023-03-05T09:24:49-08:00">March 5, 2023</time><time class="updated" datetime="2023-03-05T09:24:50-08:00">March 5, 2023</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/age/" rel="tag">age</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/choice/" rel="tag">choice</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/christina-tran/" rel="tag">Christina Tran</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/die-wise/" rel="tag">die wise</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/dr-martin-shaw/" rel="tag">dr. martin shaw</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/inheritance/" rel="tag">inheritance</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/marlee-grace/" rel="tag">marlee grace</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/newsletters/" rel="tag">newsletters</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/practice/" rel="tag">practice</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/reading/" rel="tag">reading</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/rhyming/" rel="tag">rhyming</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/shay-mirk/" rel="tag">shay mirk</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/stephen-jenkinson/" rel="tag">Stephen Jenkinson</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/wisdom/" rel="tag">wisdom</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> <article id="post-7067" class="post-7067 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-blog tag-covid tag-creative-practice tag-dad tag-death tag-dementia tag-grief tag-low-tide-book tag-processing tag-ptsd tag-seasons tag-therapy tag-wayward"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/" rel="category tag">Blog</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/brace-ebb-theft/" rel="bookmark">Brace, Ebb, Theft</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <p>On a call with some of the folks from the <a href="http://waywardretreats.com/">Wayward</a> community the other night, someone shared a conversation they’d had with their therapist about emerging into 2021. PTSD, the therapist pointed out, doesn’t generally rear its head while soldiers are on the battlefield. It comes later, when things are supposedly “safe” or “better” and everyone around us is celebrating or relaxing and we’re only just beginning to experience the full impact of what we’ve been through.</p> <p>It hit me like a pile of bricks.</p> <p>I feel so far away from my creative self right now. The only thing I keep finding comfort in is learning that a lot of other friends are in the same boat—that maybe a majority of us are actually grieving the loss of whatever creative spaciousness or clarity we’d managed to eke out in the solitude of Quarantine. Or maybe we’re all just braced for the next wave of closures and infections and losses, or finally feeling the full weight of the closures and infections and losses that have already come and gone. </p> <p>My first family COVID deaths happened in quick succession within the last two weeks—far past the peak of the Pandemic. What does that mean? How am I supposed to feel? They lived in another country, separated by oceans and continents and the 17 years since I saw them last in person. But they were family—a community I struggle to feel connected to at the best of times, even though I yearn for it desperately. I’m vaccinated. My parents are vaccinated. Nothing quite like thinking you’re “safe” and then realizing grief can still snake its way into your circles, no matter the care you take.</p> <p>I’m thinking, too, about the way I keep brushing off this mental and creative slump in conversation, waving my hands and explaining to friends that “it’s just a phase” and “things will feel better as soon as I get stuck into my next project.” </p> <p>“This always happens,” I say. “I always pull through.”</p> <p>But something I didn’t account for is living in house alongside my dad, one of my primary sources of creative inspiration and cheerleading growing up, who genuinely <em>has</em> lost contact his creative self. Dementia is not the seasonal cycle that I usually comfort myself with when I think of the ebb and flow of creative embodiment. It’s a far darker and more linear decline. It makes the threat of permanent loss in these low tide seasons feel more real. </p> <p>It’s not to say that I’m over here worrying about imminently losing all my marbles. More that…I don’t know. Maybe that I haven’t been making enough space for the enormity of everything. When I make light of this season—either because I’m afraid of it, or embarrassed that it’s happening to me, or something else—I rob myself of the chance to feel my way through into whatever comes next.</p> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/brace-ebb-theft/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2021-07-25T14:01:27-07:00">July 25, 2021</time><time class="updated" datetime="2021-07-25T14:01:28-07:00">July 25, 2021</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/covid/" rel="tag">COVID</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/creative-practice/" rel="tag">creative practice</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/dad/" rel="tag">dad</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/dementia/" rel="tag">dementia</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/grief/" rel="tag">grief</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/low-tide-book/" rel="tag">low tide book</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/processing/" rel="tag">processing</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/ptsd/" rel="tag">PTSD</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/seasons/" rel="tag">seasons</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/therapy/" rel="tag">therapy</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/wayward/" rel="tag">wayward</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> <article id="post-6974" class="post-6974 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-blog tag-comics tag-comics-communities tag-death tag-dylan-williams tag-education tag-funerals tag-grief tag-helioscope tag-jesse-hamm tag-kickstarter tag-periscope-studio tag-portland tag-sparkplug-comics tag-true-believer"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/" rel="category tag">Blog</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/jesse/" rel="bookmark">Jesse</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <p>The first funeral I ever attended wasn’t for a family member; it was for a cartoonist.</p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img decoding="async" width="1024" height="810" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-10.55.33-AM-1024x810.png" alt="Three illustrated comics panels done in ink with a grey-blue watercolor wash. Panel one: a woman rides up a hill on a bike. Panel two: she takes off her helmet, looking sad and worried. Panel 3: a wide shot of mourners at a funeral, all looking back at her." class="wp-image-6976" srcset="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-10.55.33-AM-1024x810.png 1024w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-10.55.33-AM-300x237.png 300w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-10.55.33-AM-768x608.png 768w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-10.55.33-AM-1536x1215.png 1536w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-10.55.33-AM.png 1570w" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px"></figure> <p>Dylan Williams passed away in 2011, shortly after I’d spent a formative semester as his student in the IPRC’s Comics Certificate Program. He’d battled leukemia for many years, but I didn’t know him as someone struggling with a disease. I knew him as a generous teacher with an encyclopedic knowledge of obscure and unsung cartoonists, a champion of small press creators, and a source of quiet humor and encouragement.</p> <p>I’m almost certain that the first time I met Jesse Hamm—or maybe only saw him—was at Dylan’s funeral.</p> <p>I realize, looking back, that <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://www.stevelieber.com" target="_blank">Steve</a> was there, too. And <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://tugboatpress.com" target="_blank">Greg</a>. And probably countless other Portland comics people who would come to feel like a patchwork family in the years that followed. I was just a newcomer to that crowd at the time, still trying to find my place within the medium, but the funeral left a huge impression on me. I ended up drawing my thesis comic about that year in the IPRC program, and my first convention experience, and Dylan’s death, which led to my first Kickstarter, which led to my becoming an intern at Helioscope (then Periscope Studio), which led to the career I have now, ten years later.</p> <div class="wp-block-image"><figure class="aligncenter size-large"><img decoding="async" width="624" height="631" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/dylan.williams_SM.jpg" alt="A graphite portrait of Dylan Williams, a middle aged white man with short buzzed hair and a pencil behind his ear. He's smiling gently." class="wp-image-7013" srcset="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/dylan.williams_SM.jpg 624w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/dylan.williams_SM-297x300.jpg 297w" sizes="(max-width: 624px) 100vw, 624px"><figcaption>Dylan Williams, by Jesse Hamm</figcaption></figure></div> <p>I remember using this portrait Jesse drew for <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://sirspamdalot.livejournal.com/84585.html" target="_blank">his memorial post about Dylan</a> as reference when working on <em>True Believer</em>. It was uncannily accurate and tender, as were his recollections of Dylan as a publisher and community member.</p> <p>Toward the end of his post Jesse wrote:</p> <blockquote class="wp-block-quote is-layout-flow wp-block-quote-is-layout-flow"><p>Dylan understood that comics are really for and about people — that people are what give comics value. Like he said elsewhere in that interview:  <strong>“Encouraging people is like the greatest feeling in the world.”</strong> And he did encourage people. One blogger recalls: “He was able to say …the things I needed to hear in a way that I actually heard them. [H]is support and encouragement changed my life.”</p></blockquote> <p>It felt so true to what I knew of this man, even if I’d only known him for a short while.</p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="916" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-12.15.13-PM-1024x916.png" alt="Three comics panels in ink with a grey-blue watercolor wash. Panel one: the exterior of a building with the words "Individual voice is something to be treasured and respected" coming from a window. Panel two: the words "You've gotta make comics your own way. Every time." over a classroom full of students. Panel three: Dylan saying "Don't forget that" from his seat at the head of the table. Lucy enters the room panel left saying "Hey guys" and clutching a notebook. She's rushed." class="wp-image-6977" srcset="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-12.15.13-PM-1024x916.png 1024w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-12.15.13-PM-300x268.png 300w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-12.15.13-PM-768x687.png 768w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-12.15.13-PM.png 1530w" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px"></figure> <p>I was in the middle of writing a difficult email yesterday morning when I opened the Studio’s Discord page and saw that Jesse was dead. A blood clot in his lung. Sudden and unexpected and impossible and awful and so far away from me at this laptop in California. Far away from my studiomates. Far away from the cemetery where we had buried Dylan a decade ago—the same one where another dear friend buried his mother late last year. </p> <p>Seeing the outpouring of love and grief on Twitter from cartoonists who’d known Jesse through his <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="http://twitter.com/hamm_tips" target="_blank">threads of advice</a> and <a rel="noreferrer noopener" href="https://gumroad.com/jessehamm?sort=page_layout" target="_blank">educational PDFs</a>, I found myself reaching for that old post about Dylan. </p> <p>Rereading it this morning wrecked me all over again, because so much of what Jesse wrote about Dylan echoes what people have been saying about <em>him</em>: that he was impossibly knowledgeable, and fucking funny, and deeply opinionated in a quiet sort of way. That he wanted to encourage people. To help us see and appreciate all the thoughtfulness and knowledge that goes into practicing this craft.</p> <figure class="wp-block-image size-large"><img loading="lazy" decoding="async" width="1024" height="332" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-1.31.46-PM-1024x332.png" alt='An ink and watercolor comics panel showing a classroom full of students seen from outside the window. Dylan sits at the head of the classroom saying "Whatever the project, we have to think about the stakes. We have to ask ourselves: why am I doing this?"' class="wp-image-6980" srcset="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-1.31.46-PM-1024x332.png 1024w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-1.31.46-PM-300x97.png 300w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-1.31.46-PM-768x249.png 768w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-1.31.46-PM-1536x498.png 1536w, https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Screen-Shot-2021-05-13-at-1.31.46-PM.png 1554w" sizes="(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px"></figure> <p>I’ve felt distant from the idea of the Comics Community for a while now, trying to figure out my place in an industry that’s changing so rapidly, caught between different generations and genres of creators. </p> <p>But this loss, like Dylan’s loss, feels like a smack in the face; a radical recalibration toward what brings us to this practice. What binds us to each other as a wider community. How lucky we are. What a wealth of information and knowledge there is out there. And of course, as with any death, the question of who we are. What we’re doing. How we’re impacting the people around us.</p> <p>I kept thinking about how much Jesse <em>knew</em>, and what a staggering loss that is, but then yesterday a studiomate told me she’d just drawn a page earlier this week with a piece of his advice in mind. “I literally think of him every time I use it.” </p> <p>That’s how this works, if we choose it. We share our knowledge and our enthusiasm and we welcome people to the fucking table so they can make the things they came here to make.</p> <figure class="wp-block-embed is-type-rich is-provider-twitter wp-block-embed-twitter"><div class="wp-block-embed__wrapper"> <blockquote class="twitter-tweet" data-width="550" data-dnt="true"><p lang="en" dir="ltr">Somewhere out there are people who need to hear a story you're uniquely able to tell. Art by others, even better art, won't do; only yours.</p>— Tips from Jesse Hamm (@Hamm_Tips) <a href="https://twitter.com/Hamm_Tips/status/692149181641834496?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">January 27, 2016</a></blockquote><script async src="https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset="utf-8"></script> </div></figure> <p>Dylan couldn’t have said it better. And now we have to keep saying it for both of them.</p> <p>Thank you for everything, Jesse. We love you.</p> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/jesse/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2021-05-13T13:45:06-07:00">May 13, 2021</time><time class="updated" datetime="2021-06-08T09:47:40-07:00">June 8, 2021</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/comics/" rel="tag">Comics</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/comics-communities/" rel="tag">comics communities</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/dylan-williams/" rel="tag">Dylan Williams</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/education/" rel="tag">education</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/funerals/" rel="tag">funerals</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/grief/" rel="tag">grief</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/helioscope/" rel="tag">helioscope</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/jesse-hamm/" rel="tag">Jesse Hamm</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/kickstarter/" rel="tag">kickstarter</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/periscope-studio/" rel="tag">periscope studio</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/portland/" rel="tag">portland</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/sparkplug-comics/" rel="tag">Sparkplug Comics</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/true-believer/" rel="tag">true believer</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> <article id="post-6198" class="post-6198 post type-post status-publish format-standard hentry category-blog tag-creative-life tag-david-cornwell tag-death tag-dual-nationality tag-england tag-family tag-grief tag-john-le-carre tag-ojai-2 tag-peter-bellwood"> <div class="hentry-wrapper"> <header class="entry-header" > <div class="entry-header-wrapper"> <div class="entry-meta"><span class="cat-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/category/blog/" rel="category tag">Blog</a></span></div><h2 class="entry-title"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/mind-the-gap/" rel="bookmark">Mind the Gap</a></h2> </div> </header> <div class="entry-content"> <p>This morning I opened Twitter and saw that John le Carré had died.</p> <p>I don’t know how to talk about this.</p> <p>He wasn’t John in our house, but David—his given name. I grew up alongside his grandchildren in California, fellow offspring of English parents who had come to LA to work in film and stayed to raise families. Those eight children formed a counterpoint to my existence as an only child; a reassurance that I’m not the only person who pronounces certain words with a different vowel emphasis, or who feels like she needs to have a foot in two countries at once to make any kind of sense.</p> <p>They’ve also become external sources against which I can confirm my experience of my parents. As dementia alters the way my father moves through the world, I’m more and more attached to the people who knew him as he was before. I don’t believe I’m capable of fully expressing the kind of remarkable and loving man he is and was. I need witnesses.</p> <p>At 81, the majority of updates my father receives from friends and family are about death.</p> <p>He and David were eight years apart in age, two patrician Englishmen dual-wielding charm and intellect. They delighted in each other’s company whenever they crossed paths at parties and family gatherings. We’d receive Christmas cards from David’s house in Cornwall and my father would send cheeky handmade bookmarks in return (although, to be fair, he was exceptionally generous with his bookmark-gifting. This week alone I’ve talked to three people who have them sitting visibly on shelves in their homes or offices).</p> <p>I’ve always had a hard time bridging the generational and international gap between my parents’ worlds and mine. So often, when I go to try and explain my family to my peers, they don’t know the first thing about the people I’m referencing. It feels alienating and strange. Whenever a friend or relative in the UK passes, it feels like losing a fragment of an impossible world I got to be part of as a child.</p> <p>I remember David taking us to a Chinese restaurant in London where I ate crispy duck with plum sauce for the first time. There was a fountain running down an indoor staircase and everything felt glamorous and grown-up. I’ve never had duck that good since.</p> <p>I feel strained and strange because the public grief sits at odds with my own experience of this man. It’s not the intimacy of family, nor is it the distanced attraction of fandom. It’s something tangled around the fact that David and my father were of a type, and his death points at something looming in the mist of my future.</p> <p>The loss of creative people is complex. If we have nothing to do with a creator in person, then our grief is often more to do with the loss of potential future output—the books unwritten and songs unsung. But we are not our work. It is a part of us, but not the whole of us. Certainly no substitute for the love we give—or are unable to give—to our children. No shortcut to understanding our innermost selves, or what we meant to the people who loved us.</p> <p>The one cult hit my father played a hand in writing is so far from what I want him to be remembered for—but sometimes it’s the only thing I can point to that might help a stranger understand what he means to me.</p> <p>There is so much about his life that is improbable, delightful, complex. I can’t recount his escapades without feeling like I’m trying to brag. He came of age in the midst of Britain’s satire boom, bucked familial expectation to travel halfway around the world, and ended up touring America as a stage actor and writing movies in Hollywood. Each time I think I know every celebrity anecdote in his arsenal, he surprises me with another.</p> <p>I can’t tell so many of the jokes he told because my Yorkshire accent is abominable.</p> <p>How am I going to tell anyone about who he was if I can’t tell his jokes?</p> <p>The news of David’s passing shakes me because I realize there will be no pageantry of this scale when my father goes, but there will still be some kind of reckoning between what he represented to other people and who he was to me. I’m grieving for my friends, who have lost a father and grandfather, but I’m also grieving this dwindling thread to a place that made me; to something I cannot hold.</p> </div> <footer class="entry-footer"> <span class="posted-on"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/mind-the-gap/" rel="bookmark"><time class="entry-date published" datetime="2020-12-15T09:09:14-08:00">December 15, 2020</time><time class="updated" datetime="2020-12-15T10:14:53-08:00">December 15, 2020</time></a></span><span class="tags-links"><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/creative-life/" rel="tag">creative life</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/david-cornwell/" rel="tag">david cornwell</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/death/" rel="tag">death</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/dual-nationality/" rel="tag">dual nationality</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/england/" rel="tag">England</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/family/" rel="tag">family</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/grief/" rel="tag">grief</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/john-le-carre/" rel="tag">john le carr茅</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/ojai-2/" rel="tag">ojai</a>, <a href="https://lucybellwood.com/tag/peter-bellwood/" rel="tag">peter bellwood</a></span> </footer> </div> </article> </main> </div> </div> <aside id="tertiary" class="widget-area widget-footer" role="complementary"> <div class="widget-footer-area widget-footer-top-area column-1"> <div class="widget-area-wrapper"> <section id="block-3" class="widget widget_block widget_text"> <p></p> </section> </div> </div> <div class="widget-footer-area widget-footer-bottom-area column-1"> <div class="widget-area-wrapper"> <section id="block-2" class="widget widget-small widget_block"> <div class="wp-block-columns is-layout-flex wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-1 wp-block-columns-is-layout-flex"> <div class="wp-block-column is-layout-flow wp-block-column-is-layout-flow"> <h3 class="wp-block-heading">Upcoming Appearances</h3> <ul class="wp-block-list"> <li><a href="https://bartsbooksojai.com/courtyardevents/2efw372lr6pd6w0gozcsrn62x6aun4"><strong>Interviewing Carson Ellis</strong></a> - 6pm-7pm, Saturday, October 12th at Bart's Books in Ojai, CA</li> </ul> <h3 class="wp-block-heading">Past Appearances</h3> <ul class="wp-block-list"> <li><strong><a href="https://www.annarborartcenter.org/drawing-worlds/"><em>Drawing Worlds</em></a> Opening Reception</strong> - Friday, June 14th at the Ann Arbor Art Center, Ann Arbor, MI</li> <li><a href="https://a2caf.com/"><strong>Ann Arbor Comic Arts Festival (A2CAF)</strong></a> - Free admission Saturday & Sunday, June 15th-16th at the Ann Arbor District Library, Ann Arbor, MI</li> <li><a href="https://lucybellwood.com/a-rare-appearance/"><strong>Interviewing Tessa Hulls</strong></a> - 6pm-7pm, Thursday, March 21st at Bart's Books in Ojai, CA</li> </ul> </div> </div> </section> </div> </div> </aside> </div> <footer id="colophon" class="site-footer" role="contentinfo"> <div class="site-footer-wrapper"> <div class="site-info"> <a href="https://wordpress.org/">Proudly powered by WordPress</a> <span class="sep">/</span> Theme: Shoreditch by <a href="https://wordpress.com/themes/" rel="designer">Automattic</a>. </div> </div> </footer> </div> <style id='core-block-supports-inline-css' type='text/css'> .wp-container-core-columns-is-layout-1{flex-wrap:nowrap;} </style> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/plugins/content-views-query-and-display-post-page/assets/ie-fix/html5shiv.min.js?ver=3.7.0" id="pt-cv-html5shiv-script-js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-content/plugins/content-views-query-and-display-post-page/assets/ie-fix/respond.js?ver=1.4.2" id="pt-cv-respond-script-js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-includes/js/dist/hooks.min.js?ver=2810c76e705dd1a53b18" id="wp-hooks-js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://lucybellwood.com/wp-includes/js/dist/i18n.min.js?ver=5e580eb46a90c2b997e6" id="wp-i18n-js"></script> <script type="text/javascript" id="wp-i18n-js-after"> /* <![CDATA[ */ wp.i18n.setLocaleData( { 'text direction\u0004ltr': [ 'ltr' ] } ); 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