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href="/resources">Resources</a> > <span class="breadcrumb-page-title">How to Help a Friend or Colleague</span></div></div></div> <h1 class="title" id="page-title">How to Help a Friend or Colleague</h1> <div class="content-top"> </div> <div id="main-wrapper"> <div id="main" class="clearfix"> <div id="content" class="column"> <div class="inside"> <a id="main-content"></a> <div class="tabs"></div> <div class="region region-content"> <div id="block-system-main" class="block block-system"> <div class="content"> <div id="node-66" class="node node-page slider-secondary clearfix" about="/help-friend-colleague" typeof="sioc:Item foaf:Document"> <span property="dc:title" content="How to Help a Friend or Colleague" class="rdf-meta element-hidden"></span><span property="sioc:num_replies" content="0" datatype="xsd:integer" class="rdf-meta element-hidden"></span> <div class="content"> <div class="field field-name-field-body field-type-text-long field-label-hidden"><div class="field-items"><div class="field-item even"><p>You don’t have to be a professional to support a person who has been impacted by sexual harassment, sexual assault, stalking, or relationship abuse (SVSH). A survivor’s community can play an important part in supporting healing from traumatic events. Often the best support comes from a friend or family member.</p> <h3>The Do’s and Don’ts of How to Respond</h3> <p><strong>Do</strong></p> <ul> <li>Recognize that experiences of SVSH are disempowering. Follow the survivor’s lead and respect their choices. They are the expert about their experiences.</li> <li>Prioritize the survivor’s safety, whatever that means for them.</li> <li>Understand that the most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when they atempt to leave.</li> <li>Validate and affirm all feelings, even those that seem extreme or confusing to you.</li> <li>Demonstrate that you believe them, by avoiding questions or comments that imply the survivor is at fault.</li> <li>Show empathy and caring about the survivor’s experience, even if you aren’t sure of all the facts.</li> <li>Listen actively and non-judgmentally. You don’t need to know the details to provide support.</li> <li>Ask what kind of support would be helpful. Offer choices, resources and support the survivor in seeking out and exploring options.</li> <li>Familiarize yourself with confidential resources on and off campus.</li> <li>Offer to connect your loved one with CARE.</li> <li>Respond in a calm manner, avoiding over-reaction.</li> <li>Practice your own self-care, maintain boundaries, and seek support for yourself.</li> </ul> <p><strong>Don’t</strong></p> <ul> <li>Don’t be directive. Don’t pressure the survivor into making decisions they are not ready to make.</li> <li>Don’t tell the survivor to be more assertive or to engage in confrontation.</li> <li>Don’t call the police or make a report without the survivor’s permission.</li> <li>Don’t expect or assume the survivor will react in any particular way.</li> <li>Don’t define an experience as SVSH or rename the experience as something else.</li> <li>Don’t express doubt and don’t investigate their experience.</li> <li>Don’t ask “why” questions, or probing questions, and don’t ask that they recount the experience. You don’t need to know the details of what happened to be able to provide support.</li> <li>Don’t focus on details such as their behavior, appearance, and/or location of where the harm took place.</li> <li>Don’t admonish, shame, or blame someone who stays in an unhealthy relationship or remains in contact with the person who has caused them harm.</li> <li>Don’t become offended or angry if the survivor doesn’t want support.</li> <li>Don’t compare or measure against your own experiences.</li> </ul> <h3>What to Expect</h3> <p>Everyone’s situation and reaction will different. There is no “right way” to respond to a traumatic event, however, there may be some common experiences.</p> <h3>Possible Impacts of SVSH</h3> <ul> <li>Self-blame, guilt, shame, worthlessness, low self-esteem</li> <li>Shock, denial, confusion</li> <li>Fear, not wanting to leave the house, social isolation</li> <li>Depression, despair, hopelessness, feeling like no one can help, suicidal thoughts</li> <li>Easily becoming triggered, irritable, or upset by seemingly “small” things</li> <li>Hypervigilance: increased alertness, fear, or paranoia</li> <li>Hyperarousal: easily startled, anxious, angry, in physical pain</li> <li>Hypoarousal: disassociated, fatigued, emotionally or physically numb</li> <li>Consumed: only wanting to talk about the traumatic events, difficulty concentrating</li> <li>Anger, blaming others, frustration with support systems</li> <li>Constant feeling of being watched or being unsafe</li> <li>Maldaptive coping techniques: substance use, self-harm, isolation</li> <li>Post traumatic symptoms: intrusive thoughts, nightmares, flashbacks</li> <li>Inability to concentrate, forgetfulness</li> <li>Somatic symptoms: changes in sleeping and eating, energy level, exacerbation of stress-related disabilities and health problems, hair loss, digestive problems, lowered immune system, fatigue.</li> </ul> <p><em>Adapted from UC Berkeley, PATH to Care Center</em></p> </div></div></div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> </div> <div id="sidebar" class="column"> <div class="sidebar_top"> <div class="region region-sidebar-top"> <div id="block-menu-block-2" class="block block-menu-block"> <h3><a href="/resources" class="active-trail">Resources</a></h3> <div class="content"> <div class="menu-block-wrapper menu-block-2 menu-name-main-menu parent-mlid-0 menu-level-2"> <ul class="menu"><li class="first leaf menu-mlid-18331"><a href="/racial-justice-and-equity">Racial Justice and Equity Resources</a></li> <li class="leaf menu-mlid-18241"><a href="/assaulted">If 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