I Dressed All in Black While Struggling With Postpartum Depression

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caption-drawer-icon" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="12" height="8" viewBox="0 0 12 8" > <title>Angle down icon</title> <desc>An icon in the shape of an angle pointing down.</desc> <path d="M11.3281 0.792709C11.1874 0.796035 11.0537 0.854817 10.9562 0.95625L5.99996 5.9125L1.04371 0.95625C0.994011 0.90516 0.934574 0.864549 0.868913 0.836818C0.803251 0.809086 0.732698 0.794796 0.661421 0.794792C0.555323 0.79482 0.451644 0.826488 0.363639 0.885749C0.275634 0.94501 0.207301 1.02917 0.167378 1.12747C0.127454 1.22577 0.117753 1.33374 0.139515 1.43758C0.161277 1.54143 0.213513 1.63642 0.289546 1.71042L5.62288 7.04375C5.7229 7.14374 5.85854 7.1999 5.99996 7.1999C6.14139 7.1999 6.27702 7.14374 6.37705 7.04375L11.7104 1.71042C11.7878 1.63594 11.841 1.5398 11.8629 1.43459C11.8848 1.32939 11.8744 1.22003 11.833 1.12084C11.7917 1.02164 11.7214 0.937245 11.6313 0.878694C11.5412 0.820144 11.4355 0.790174 11.3281 0.792709V0.792709Z" fill="currentColor"/> </svg> </label> <figcaption class="image-caption headline-semibold" data-e2e-name="image-caption" > <span class="image-caption-text">Olivia Rubin once dressed all in black while struggling with postpartum depression.</span> <span class="image-source-text"> <span class="image-source headline-regular" data-e2e-name="image-source" itemprop="creditText" > Courtesy of Olivia Rubin </span> </span> </figcaption> </span> </figure> <div class="inline-backup-paywall desktop" data-component-type="inline-backup-paywall" style="display:none"> <span class="headline-semibold subscription-msg">This story is available exclusively to Business Insider subscribers. <a href="/subscription" class="subscription-link">Become an Insider</a> and start reading now.</span> <span class="headline-regular login-prompt">Have an account? <button class="login-prompt-btn">Log in</button>.</span> </div> <div> <section class="post-content typography " data-track-content="" data-post-type="post" > <div id="piano-inline-content-wrapper" data-piano-inline-content-wrapper data-user-status="anonymous" > <div data-component-type="content-lock" data-load-strategy="exclude"> <div class="content-lock-content"> <div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-1" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-1/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-1" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-1/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-1","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-not-lazy="" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><ul class="summary-list"><li><a target="_blank" href="https://oliviarubinlondon.com/" data-autoaffiliated="false" data-analytics-product-module="summary_bullets" rel=" nofollow">Olivia Rubin </a>is a 43-year-old fashion designer who created her own rainbow-inspired brand in 2017.</li><li>In 2014, she purposefully dressed in black to blend when she was struggling with postpartum anxiety.</li><li>A rainbow skirt she designed in 2017 was the start of her personal and business reawakening.</li></ul><p><em>This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Olivia Rubin. It has been edited for length and clarity.</em></p><p>I've been in fashion for more than 20 years. After studying for a Bachelor's in fashion print at Central St Martin's, I worked in the industry without a break until 2012, when I <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/what-i-wish-i-knew-about-pregnancy-before-getting-pregnant-2022-10" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">found out I was pregnant</a> with my first child.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-2" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-2/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-2" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-2/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-2","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>I felt <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/seven-types-of-rest-you-need-to-cure-burnout-2024-8" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">run down and burnt out</a>, so it was a good time to wind down.</p><p>After the birth of my daughter in 2014, I felt depressed, anxious, and alienated. At this time, <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/guides/parenting/how-long-does-postpartum-depression-last" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">postpartum depression</a> wasn't something talked about, so I hadn't known to expect it and didn't understand that it was happening to me. I didn't verbalize this to anyone because I didn't know it was a thing.</p><p>It even affected the way I dressed for years.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-3" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-3/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-3" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-3/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-3","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><h2 id="376a58f4-22bd-4099-8e07-07cfbbc9f373" data-toc-id="376a58f4-22bd-4099-8e07-07cfbbc9f373">I wanted to blend in</h2><p>For as long as I can remember, I always loved <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/stylists-how-to-improve-colorful-outfits-make-me-look-good-2022-7" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">wearing lots of color</a>. But those post-baby months and years were full of black. The decision to dress in the dark color wasn't because I was too tired to decide what to wear. It was a purposeful decision that reflected my inner anxiety at the time.</p> <section class="dad-related-posts-component at-inline related-posts " data-component-type="dad-related-posts" data-delay-third-party-scripts="true" data-size="2" data-container-index="in_content_recirc_1" data-included-verticals="careers" data-placement="inline" data-prevent-collision="true" data-excluded-verticals="bi-video" data-root-margin="250px 0px" data-track-view="{"event":"module_in_view","element_name":"in_content_recirc","subscription_experience":"bi_value_unassigned","product_field":"in_content_recirc_1"}"> <div class="content-recommendations-title-container"> <h2 class="content-recommendations-title headline-semibold ignore-typography "> Related stories </h2> </div> <div class="dad-related-posts-container content-recommendations-container"></div> </section><p><a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/meghan-markle-says-never-wore-color-in-uk-2022-12" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">All I wanted to do was blend in</a>. Black was a way to blend in.</p> <figure class="figure image-figure-image " data-type="img" data-e2e-name="image-figure-image" data-media-container="image" itemscope="" itemtype="https://schema.org/ImageObject"> <div class="lazy-holder " style="padding-top: calc(100% * 1836 / 2448)"> <meta itemprop="contentUrl" content="https://i.insider.com/6744fb109f2901eb6036cc90"> <img class="lazy-image " src="data:image/svg+xml,%3C%3Fxml version='1.0' encoding='UTF-8'%3F%3E%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' width='1' height='1'/%3E" data-content-type="image/jpeg" data-srcs="{"https://i.insider.com/6744fb109f2901eb6036cc90":{"contentType":"image/jpeg","aspectRatioW":2448,"aspectRatioH":1836}}" alt="Olivia Rubin selfie"> </div> <span class="image-source-caption "> <figcaption class="image-caption headline-semibold" data-e2e-name="image-caption"> Olivia Rubin didn't want to wear colorful clothes while experiencing postpartum depression. <span class="image-source headline-regular" data-e2e-name="image-source" itemprop="creditText"> Courtesy of Olivia Rubin </span> </figcaption> </span> </figure> <p>In 2015, a year after my daughter was born, I was still wearing black, but there was this one outfit I wore — I dressed up the black with brilliant red lipstick and red boots. It was the start of me starting to feel like me again.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-4" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-4" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>A year later, I gave birth to my second daughter, but I also picked up a freelance contract for a high street company. Working again felt right. I've always been the kind of person who needs something besides just family life, and I feel like this was it. My oldest was in p,reschool and I just worked around the baby. For the first time in years, I also wanted to make clothes for myself. I made a skirt, a gray printed skirt, and was so proud of myself.</p><h2 id="815327c7-736f-48dd-a8d7-e87d95a8c342" data-toc-id="815327c7-736f-48dd-a8d7-e87d95a8c342">I couldn't find anything I liked, so I made my own</h2><p>I continued making my own clothes, for my own personal use, in 2017. I wanted to add some color back in, after years of black. I went shopping to find something that caught my eye, and I couldn't find what I was looking for. I wanted a piece no one else had, something unusual.</p><p>I found a printing company in the UK to print my surface design onto wool and found a seamstress close by to make the skirt I had designed. It was unique, and I loved it. It was a rainbow skirt.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-5" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-5" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div> <figure class="figure image-figure-image " data-type="img" data-e2e-name="image-figure-image" data-media-container="image" itemscope="" itemtype="https://schema.org/ImageObject"> <div class="lazy-holder " style="padding-top: calc(100% * 689 / 918)"> <meta itemprop="contentUrl" content="https://i.insider.com/6744fb56fa0140cdd5655a75"> <img class="lazy-image " src="data:image/svg+xml,%3C%3Fxml version='1.0' encoding='UTF-8'%3F%3E%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' width='1' height='1'/%3E" data-content-type="image/png" data-srcs="{"https://i.insider.com/6744fb56fa0140cdd5655a75":{"contentType":"image/png","aspectRatioW":918,"aspectRatioH":689}}" alt="Olivia Rubin rainbow skirt"> </div> <span class="image-source-caption "> <figcaption class="image-caption headline-semibold" data-e2e-name="image-caption"> Olivia Rubin made a rainbow skirt that went viral. <span class="image-source headline-regular" data-e2e-name="image-source" itemprop="creditText"> Courtesy of Olivia Rubin </span> </figcaption> </span> </figure> <p>When I posted it on Instagram, my feed absolutely blew up. The skirt went viral, and so many people wanted it. It was a huge turning point and the start of my own brand.</p><p>I had never intended to have my own brand — I just wanted to make clothes that made me feel good. But a brand is what it all became.</p><h2 id="0c964ecf-a9fe-4cf0-a816-cbd7bf1b1549" data-toc-id="0c964ecf-a9fe-4cf0-a816-cbd7bf1b1549">I started wearing color again</h2><p>After that rainbow skirt, I found myself again. I started wearing color again and helping others do the same.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-6" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-6" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>I was contacted by shops that wanted to sell my clothes to their customers, and I was traveling all around the world showing my collections. It happened in the blink of an eye.</p><p>It just kept snowballing. I was making a million pounds at one point.</p><p>Everything I created, I wore. It was all bright or pastels, inspired by the rainbow.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-7" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-7" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div> <figure class="figure image-figure-image " data-type="img" data-e2e-name="image-figure-image" data-media-container="image" itemscope="" itemtype="https://schema.org/ImageObject"> <div class="lazy-holder " style="padding-top: calc(100% * 2331 / 3108)"> <meta itemprop="contentUrl" content="https://i.insider.com/6744fb8b9f2901eb6036ccd1"> <img class="lazy-image " src="data:image/svg+xml,%3C%3Fxml version='1.0' encoding='UTF-8'%3F%3E%3Csvg xmlns='http://www.w3.org/2000/svg' width='1' height='1'/%3E" data-content-type="image/jpeg" data-srcs="{"https://i.insider.com/6744fb8b9f2901eb6036ccd1":{"contentType":"image/jpeg","aspectRatioW":3108,"aspectRatioH":2331}}" alt="Olivia Rubin wearing her own clothes"> </div> <span class="image-source-caption "> <figcaption class="image-caption headline-semibold" data-e2e-name="image-caption"> Olvia Rubin started wearing colorful clothes again. <span class="image-source headline-regular" data-e2e-name="image-source" itemprop="creditText"> Courtesy of Olivia Rubin </span> </figcaption> </span> </figure> <p>During the pandemic, I created a loungewear collection. By day, I was homeschooling my two girls, and in every spare moment, I was packaging for customers.</p><p>I enjoyed growing my business during this time and connecting with my community on social media, but I remember it being a lot to handle.</p><h2 id="deeec14f-cbea-4262-8887-9fe8bba5655b" data-toc-id="deeec14f-cbea-4262-8887-9fe8bba5655b">I'm focused on sustainability</h2><p>At the end of 2023, I decided to start slowing everything down. I had recently turned 40 and didn't want to be traveling all the time, leaving my kids behind. I didn't want to be rushing around constantly, without any time to just enjoy designing without a deadline.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-careers-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-8" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="lauren-crosby-medlicott" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-8" data-url="/dressed-all-in-black-while-struggling-with-postpartum-depression-2024-12" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/strategy","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>Since then, I've been thinking more about sustainability — no one needs this much retail. I've stopped my big collections, and I'm not producing hundreds of wasted samples and production that contribute to landfills.</p><p>In hindsight, I know I wasn't happy during my black clothing phase, but I wouldn't change it. It was a part of my journey. 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