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.cNhomV{position:absolute;right:0;-webkit-transition:-webkit-transform 0.2s ease-in-out;-webkit-transition:transform 0.2s ease-in-out;transition:transform 0.2s ease-in-out;-webkit-transform:scale(0);-ms-transform:scale(0);transform:scale(0);bottom:140%;-webkit-transform-origin:90% 100%;-ms-transform-origin:90% 100%;transform-origin:90% 100%;} /* sc-component-id: ShareTools__ShareContainer-ZAjer */ .abZXo{position:relative;display:inline-block;} /* sc-component-id: Tags__Tag-hJbKlk */ .cfgdjC{color:#3366dc;padding-right:8px;font-weight:200;} .cfgdjC:not(:first-child){border-left:1px solid #b9babe;padding-left:9px;}</style> <div class="Container Container--unpadded Container--narrow"> <div id="article-container"> <div><div class="LongArticle" data-reactroot=""><span class="LongArticle-previewid u-hidden">N/A</span><div class="gel-wrap"><div class="gel-layout"><div class="gel-layout__item"><div class="Media LongArticle-coverImage"><div class="Media-content"><div class="ImageContainer gs-o-responsive-image gs-o-responsive-image--16by9"><noscript><img alt="An illustration of a woman in bed grimacing" class="Image-elem" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhbp.jpg" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhbp.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhbp.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhbp.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhbp.jpg 1056w" width="1920"/></noscript><img alt="An illustration of a woman in bed grimacing" class="Image-elem lazyload with-transition" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhbp.jpg" width="1920" data-srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhbp.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhbp.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhbp.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhbp.jpg 1056w" data-src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhbp.jpg"/><span class="Image-copyright gel-minion">Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three</span></div></div></div><h1 class="LongArticle-headline Headline gel-canon">Why do women put up with painful sex?</h1><p class="LongArticle-synopsis gel-double-pica">The assumption that 'what feels good for men should feel good for women' is not necessarily true...</p><div class="LongArticle-author Info"><div class="Info-details"><span class="Info-authorName gel-long-primer">Gemma Askham</span><time class="Info-timestamp gel-long-primer" datetime="2018-04-20T11:27:44.71783Z">20 April 2018</time></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bookend LongArticle-header"><div class="LongArticle-info"><div><a class="gel-long-primer Tags__Tag-hJbKlk cfgdjC Link-hdnizH fePBZm" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/category/sex-relationships">Sex & Relationships</a><a class="gel-long-primer Tags__Tag-hJbKlk cfgdjC Link-hdnizH fePBZm" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/category/health-wellbeing">Health & Wellbeing</a><a class="gel-long-primer Tags__Tag-hJbKlk cfgdjC Link-hdnizH fePBZm" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/category/body-image">Body Image</a></div></div><div class="LongArticle-share ShareTools__Container-gUgPJR elWSNk"><span class="gel-long-primer ShareTools__Label-kQaVBh kPbSVm">Share this:</span><div class="u-lg-hidden u-md-hidden 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href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/usingthebbc/terms/can-i-share-things-from-the-bbc">Read more about sharing</a></div></div><div class="ShareButton-kBBwGt kNOgml" title="Share"><svg class="ShareButton__ShareIcon-htCeLU kolFwY" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="100%" height="100%" viewbox="0 0 32 32"><path d="M7.42325566,22.154 C8.99484043,22.154 10.4068885,21.47 11.3987904,20.392 L20.3179799,25.235 C20.2159161,25.648 20.1574523,26.084 20.1574523,26.532 C20.1574523,29.554 22.5881569,32 25.5797171,32 C28.5692954,32 31,29.554 31,26.532 C31,23.509 28.5692954,21.063 25.5797171,21.063 C24.0071414,21.063 22.5881569,21.742 21.6022005,22.82 L12.2311556,17.646 L12.1578282,14.854 L21.8093009,9.398 C22.7883209,10.351 24.1141598,10.941 25.5797171,10.941 C28.5692954,10.941 31,8.49 31,5.468 C31,2.445 28.5692954,0 25.5797171,0 C22.5881569,0 20.1574523,2.445 20.1574523,5.468 C20.1574523,6.021 20.2377161,6.557 20.3982437,7.064 L11.1857445,12.75 C10.2067245,11.802 8.88088567,11.213 7.42325566,11.213 C4.42575002,11.213 2,13.657 2,16.679 C2,19.709 4.42575002,22.154 7.42325566,22.154"></path></svg></div></div></div></div></div></div><div class="gel-layout gel-layout--center"><div class="LongArticle-body"><div class="gel-layout__item gel-1 gel-10/12@m gel-2/3@l"><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem is-first"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p><em>Contains adult themes</em></p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>There was a clear message in my school’s sex education and among the older girls I knew: if you were female, sex was going to hurt.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>Sex would likely make you bleed. If you had enough of it, you’d probably get an STI – which would hurt. Or get pregnant – which would end in labour. We all saw those birthing videos and they were not the screams of a lady who’d just won free Drake tickets.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>While the boys were hearing about erections and orgasms, girls were being told to quietly brace themselves. And this idea - that we should expect discomfort during sex - leads many women to believe that a bit of pain is just part of the package, not just the first time but forever.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>While they were busy scarring us with images of a baby’s head turning our lady-parts into something out of <em>Stranger Things</em>, no one thought to mention how to make sex enjoyable.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>“I had no clue how to make sex anything other than sore,” says Jess, 24. “I was so tense that it was hard for anyone to get inside me, which made me more self-conscious. I thought the clitoris was something you touched for a few seconds and had an orgasm. That wasn’t enough to make me come, so I thought mine must be faulty. I’d been told that sex could hurt, so I just accepted the discomfort.”</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><figure class="CaptionedImage"><div class="Media Media--centred CaptionedImage-image"><div class="Media-content"><div class="ImageContainer gs-o-responsive-image gs-o-responsive-image--16by9"><noscript><img alt="Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex" class="Image-elem" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhc6.jpg" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhc6.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhc6.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhc6.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhc6.jpg 1056w" width="1920"/></noscript><img alt="Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex" class="Image-elem lazyload with-transition" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhc6.jpg" width="1920" data-srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhc6.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhc6.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhc6.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhc6.jpg 1056w" data-src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhc6.jpg"/><span class="Image-copyright gel-minion">Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three</span></div></div></div></figure></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>It took an attentive partner (“a foreplay guy and a real giver”) as well as some solo exploration last year for Jess to realise that pain didn’t have to be a given. “It’s actually a lie,” she says.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>The vlogger Hannah Witton is one of a crop of twenty-something YouTubers using the platform to have honest conversations about sex for women. “The reason that a lot of women have painful sex isn’t because sex is inherently painful – it’s because we're not taught how to have good sex,” she says.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>Of course, in some circumstances, painful sex can be a sign of something serious. “Pain in the vagina can be caused by thrush or an STI, vaginismus (a condition where the vaginal muscles shut tightly) or irritation from latex condoms or soap,” says Swati Jha, a spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG).</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>“Pain inside the pelvis can stem from pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, fibroids or irritable bowel syndrome.” She urges anyone who is worried about pain during or after sex to see their GP or visit a sexual health clinic.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>But, as Dr Kirstin Mitchell, Senior Research Fellow at the University of Glasgow, says, “there’s a whole range of psychological and social reasons for pain as well.” She is the author of a 2017 study that found that almost <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/wol1/doi/10.1111/1471-0528.14518/full" target="_blank">10% of sexually active UK women aged 16 to 24 consistently experience painful sex</a> (the study’s authors defined this as regularly experiencing painful sex over three months or more).</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><figure class="CaptionedImage"><div class="Media Media--centred CaptionedImage-image"><div class="Media-content"><div class="ImageContainer gs-o-responsive-image gs-o-responsive-image--16by9"><noscript><img alt="Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex" class="Image-elem" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhhw.jpg" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhhw.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhhw.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhhw.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhhw.jpg 1056w" width="1920"/></noscript><img alt="Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex" class="Image-elem lazyload with-transition" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhhw.jpg" width="1920" data-srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhhw.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhhw.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhhw.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhhw.jpg 1056w" data-src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhhw.jpg"/><span class="Image-copyright gel-minion">Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three</span></div></div></div></figure></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>“If a young woman isn’t having the kind of sex that she’d like to have, if she’s not properly aroused, if she lacks confidence talking about what she’s enjoying or not enjoying, then sex can be painful.” In her view, “Women often feel they have less of a right to pleasure than men do. Sometimes sex is painful and they think that’s just how it is for women.”</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>In a US study, researcher Sara McClelland asked men and women to describe what low sexual satisfaction meant to them. While the men talked about things like boredom and unresponsive partners, the women frequently answered “pain”.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>One woman who has experience of this, and is now hoping to reinvigorate women’s right to pleasure, is Kim Loliya, editor of an online sex zine and founder of a London-based sex-education service. She believes that uncomfortable sex isn’t necessarily a physical problem, but a verbal one.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>“Women can feel like they can't speak up when they're in pain during sex; it's the societal indoctrination that says ‘girls should be seen and not heard’,” Kim explains. “When pain arises, women often think there’s something wrong with them, and fear how that will impact their partner. They feel responsible for the pain, and embarrassed by it. Often, women completely miss that their pain is triggered by their body feeling unsafe.”</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>To re-establish a sense of comfort and security, Dr Mitchell encourages couples take a step backwards. “Sex doesn’t have to be penetrative. If having your clitoris stimulated with fingers is really pleasurable, do that. You should always be building up in ways that are mutual, gradual, and listening to each other.”</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><figure class="CaptionedImage"><div class="Media Media--centred CaptionedImage-image"><div class="Media-content"><div class="ImageContainer gs-o-responsive-image gs-o-responsive-image--16by9"><noscript><img alt="Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex" class="Image-elem" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhbp.jpg" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhbp.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhbp.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhbp.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhbp.jpg 1056w" width="1920"/></noscript><img alt="Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex" class="Image-elem lazyload with-transition" height="1080" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhbp.jpg" width="1920" data-srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/480xn/p060zhbp.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/624xn/p060zhbp.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/800xn/p060zhbp.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/1056xn/p060zhbp.jpg 1056w" data-src="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/704xn/p060zhbp.jpg"/><span class="Image-copyright gel-minion">Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three</span></div></div></div></figure></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>The images we get of sex don’t necessarily promote this model. “The only depictions a lot of people get of the logistics of sex are from porn or Hollywood movies,” says Hannah. “In both cases, the woman is simply good to go from the start. You don't see the reality of sex: the fumbling, the foreplay, the gentleness that can build into intensity (but which rarely starts off that way). Also, lube! It feels great, and can be really sexy.”</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>Lydia, 21, realised lube was what worked for her. “Sex hurt – it felt tight, almost chafing, and I just felt like I wanted to get it over with. There’s still this stigma that lube is only for anal sex, but I tried some and realised that lube equals better sex for me. Wanting to use lube doesn’t mean you’re failing as a woman,” she affirms.</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>As for Charlie, 24, sex became less painful when she took more control. “Lots of kissing, lots of foreplay and making sure I’m really relaxed. Then I go on top so I can control of the speed of penetration. That works better for me than asking a guy to slow down – which he does for three thrusts, then it’s like I never said anything.”</p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p>Ultimately, says Kim Loliya, “It’s about learning not to worry about female arousal being ‘too much’ or ‘hard work’” – ideas that still persist in our culture. There’s still an assumption that what feels good for men is what should feel good for women, too. But that’s not necessarily the case - as a lot of women can tell you. And it’s time we accepted that. </p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p><em>This article was originally published on 19 March 2018.</em></p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p><strong>Read more:</strong></p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/7b96f5d1-47af-44b5-a530-b70e5533324a" target="_blank">Why are men and women getting turned off marriage?</a></p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/d8e134b3-2c03-4bbb-9661-009c9ed377af" target="_blank">I still miss my ex's mum</a></p></div></div><div class="LongArticle-bodyItem"><div class="Text gel-body-copy"><p><a 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true...","mainImage":{"src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/{width}xn/p060zhbp.jpg","alt":"An illustration of a woman in bed grimacing","height":1080,"width":1920,"copyrightHolder":"Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three"},"contributor":{"name":"Gemma Askham"},"body":[{"type":"text","html":"<p><em>Contains adult themes</em></p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>There was a clear message in my school’s sex education and among the older girls I knew: if you were female, sex was going to hurt.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>Sex would likely make you bleed. If you had enough of it, you’d probably get an STI – which would hurt. Or get pregnant – which would end in labour. We all saw those birthing videos and they were not the screams of a lady who’d just won free Drake tickets.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>While the boys were hearing about erections and orgasms, girls were being told to quietly brace themselves. And this idea - that we should expect discomfort during sex - leads many women to believe that a bit of pain is just part of the package, not just the first time but forever.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>While they were busy scarring us with images of a baby’s head turning our lady-parts into something out of <em>Stranger Things</em>, no one thought to mention how to make sex enjoyable.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>“I had no clue how to make sex anything other than sore,” says Jess, 24. “I was so tense that it was hard for anyone to get inside me, which made me more self-conscious. I thought the clitoris was something you touched for a few seconds and had an orgasm. That wasn’t enough to make me come, so I thought mine must be faulty. I’d been told that sex could hurt, so I just accepted the discomfort.”</p>"},{"type":"captioned-image","image":{"src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/{width}xn/p060zhc6.jpg","alt":"Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex","height":1080,"width":1920,"copyrightHolder":"Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three"}},{"type":"text","html":"<p>It took an attentive partner (“a foreplay guy and a real giver”) as well as some solo exploration last year for Jess to realise that pain didn’t have to be a given. “It’s actually a lie,” she says.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>The vlogger Hannah Witton is one of a crop of twenty-something YouTubers using the platform to have honest conversations about sex for women. “The reason that a lot of women have painful sex isn’t because sex is inherently painful – it’s because we're not taught how to have good sex,” she says.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>Of course, in some circumstances, painful sex can be a sign of something serious. “Pain in the vagina can be caused by thrush or an STI, vaginismus (a condition where the vaginal muscles shut tightly) or irritation from latex condoms or soap,” says Swati Jha, a spokesperson for the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG).</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>“Pain inside the pelvis can stem from pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, fibroids or irritable bowel syndrome.” She urges anyone who is worried about pain during or after sex to see their GP or visit a sexual health clinic.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>But, as Dr Kirstin Mitchell, Senior Research Fellow at the University of Glasgow, says, “there’s a whole range of psychological and social reasons for pain as well.” She is the author of a 2017 study that found that almost <a href=\"http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/wol1/doi/10.1111/1471-0528.14518/full\" target=\"_blank\">10% of sexually active UK women aged 16 to 24 consistently experience painful sex</a> (the study’s authors defined this as regularly experiencing painful sex over three months or more).</p>"},{"type":"captioned-image","image":{"src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/{width}xn/p060zhhw.jpg","alt":"Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex","height":1080,"width":1920,"copyrightHolder":"Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three"}},{"type":"text","html":"<p>“If a young woman isn’t having the kind of sex that she’d like to have, if she’s not properly aroused, if she lacks confidence talking about what she’s enjoying or not enjoying, then sex can be painful.” In her view, “Women often feel they have less of a right to pleasure than men do. Sometimes sex is painful and they think that’s just how it is for women.”</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>In a US study, researcher Sara McClelland asked men and women to describe what low sexual satisfaction meant to them. While the men talked about things like boredom and unresponsive partners, the women frequently answered “pain”.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>One woman who has experience of this, and is now hoping to reinvigorate women’s right to pleasure, is Kim Loliya, editor of an online sex zine and founder of a London-based sex-education service. She believes that uncomfortable sex isn’t necessarily a physical problem, but a verbal one.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>“Women can feel like they can't speak up when they're in pain during sex; it's the societal indoctrination that says ‘girls should be seen and not heard’,” Kim explains. “When pain arises, women often think there’s something wrong with them, and fear how that will impact their partner. They feel responsible for the pain, and embarrassed by it. Often, women completely miss that their pain is triggered by their body feeling unsafe.”</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>To re-establish a sense of comfort and security, Dr Mitchell encourages couples take a step backwards. “Sex doesn’t have to be penetrative. If having your clitoris stimulated with fingers is really pleasurable, do that. You should always be building up in ways that are mutual, gradual, and listening to each other.”</p>"},{"type":"captioned-image","image":{"src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/{width}xn/p060zhbp.jpg","alt":"Why do women put up with uncomfortable sex","height":1080,"width":1920,"copyrightHolder":"Rebecca Hendin / BBC Three"}},{"type":"text","html":"<p>The images we get of sex don’t necessarily promote this model. “The only depictions a lot of people get of the logistics of sex are from porn or Hollywood movies,” says Hannah. “In both cases, the woman is simply good to go from the start. You don't see the reality of sex: the fumbling, the foreplay, the gentleness that can build into intensity (but which rarely starts off that way). Also, lube! It feels great, and can be really sexy.”</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>Lydia, 21, realised lube was what worked for her. “Sex hurt – it felt tight, almost chafing, and I just felt like I wanted to get it over with. There’s still this stigma that lube is only for anal sex, but I tried some and realised that lube equals better sex for me. Wanting to use lube doesn’t mean you’re failing as a woman,” she affirms.</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>As for Charlie, 24, sex became less painful when she took more control. “Lots of kissing, lots of foreplay and making sure I’m really relaxed. Then I go on top so I can control of the speed of penetration. That works better for me than asking a guy to slow down – which he does for three thrusts, then it’s like I never said anything.”</p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p>Ultimately, says Kim Loliya, “It’s about learning not to worry about female arousal being ‘too much’ or ‘hard work’” – ideas that still persist in our culture. There’s still an assumption that what feels good for men is what should feel good for women, too. But that’s not necessarily the case - as a lot of women can tell you. And it’s time we accepted that. </p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p><em>This article was originally published on 19 March 2018.</em></p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p><strong>Read more:</strong></p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p><a href=\"http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/7b96f5d1-47af-44b5-a530-b70e5533324a\" target=\"_blank\">Why are men and women getting turned off marriage?</a></p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p><a href=\"http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/d8e134b3-2c03-4bbb-9661-009c9ed377af\" target=\"_blank\">I still miss my ex's mum</a></p>"},{"type":"text","html":"<p><a href=\"http://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/7d820559-c421-488a-af53-4027965341fb\" target=\"_blank\">I love having sex on my period, and you should too</a></p>"}],"tags":[{"href":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/category/sex-relationships","text":"Sex & Relationships"},{"href":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/category/health-wellbeing","text":"Health & Wellbeing"},{"href":"https://web.archive.org/web/20191120162440/https://www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/category/body-image","text":"Body Image"}],"timestamp":{"firstPublished":"2018-03-13T17:50:15.576974Z","lastPublished":"2018-04-20T11:27:44.71783Z"},"analytics":{"card_id":"db52efc3-c84c-4870-a4d0-f4ff183ec356","card_tags":[],"card_title":"Why do women put up with painful sex?","card_type":"long-article","card_format":["text"],"onward_journey_type_in_page":"more-from-tag","related_content_tag1":"More from Sex & Relationships","related_content_tag2":"More from Health & Wellbeing"},"openGraph":{"title":"Why do women put up with painful sex?","description":"The assumption that 'what feels good for men should feel good for women' is not necessarily 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