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data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/your-money" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Money</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_your-money" aria-label="Show Your Money sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_your-money"><li class="subsection-item" 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data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/property" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Property</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_property" aria-label="Show Property sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_property"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/property/residential" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Residential</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/property/commercial-property" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Commercial Property</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/property/interiors" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Interiors</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/food" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Food</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_food" aria-label="Show Food sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_food"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/food/drink" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Drink</a></li><li class="subsection-item" 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viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_health"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-family" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Family</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-fitness" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Fitness</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-wellness" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Your Wellness</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/health/your-fitness/get-running" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Get Running</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Life & Style</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_life-style" aria-label="Show Life & Style sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_life-style"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/fashion" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Fashion</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/tags/beauty/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Beauty</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/fine-art-antiques" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Fine Art & Antiques</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/gardening" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Gardening</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/people" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">People</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/life-style/travel" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Travel</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/culture" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Culture</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_culture" aria-label="Show Culture sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_culture"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/art" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Art</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/books" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Books</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/film" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Film</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/music" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Music</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/stage" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Stage</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/culture/tv-radio" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">TV & Radio</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/environment" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Environment</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_environment" aria-label="Show Environment sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_environment"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/environment/climate-crisis" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Climate Crisis</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/technology" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Technology</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_technology" aria-label="Show Technology sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_technology"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/big-tech" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Big Tech</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/consumer-tech" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Consumer Tech</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/data-security" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Data & Security</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/technology/gaming" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Gaming</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/science" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Science</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_science" aria-label="Show Science sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_science"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/science/space" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Space</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/media" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Media</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/abroad" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Abroad</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/obituaries" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Obituaries</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/transport" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Transport</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/motors" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Motors</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_motors" aria-label="Show Motors sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_motors"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/motors/car-reviews/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Car Reviews</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/listen/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Listen</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><div data-testid="nav-chain-section-item-subsection" class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Podcasts</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_podcasts" aria-label="Show Podcasts sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_podcasts"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/in-the-news" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">In the News Podcast</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/inside-politics" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Inside Politics Podcast</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/the-womens-podcast" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">The Women's Podcast</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/inside-business" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Inside Business Podcast</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly" aria-hidden="true" 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data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/history" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">History</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_history" aria-label="Show History sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_history"><li 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class="c-stack b-header-nav-chain__subsection-anchor subsection-anchor " data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="center" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><a class="c-link" href="/sponsored" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Sponsored</a><button aria-expanded="false" aria-controls="header_sub_section_sponsored" aria-label="Show Sponsored sub sections" class="c-button c-button--medium c-button--default submenu-caret" type="button"><span><svg class="c-icon" width="20" height="20" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewBox="0 0 512 512" fill="currentColor" aria-hidden="true" focusable="false"><path d="M256 416C247.812 416 239.62 412.875 233.38 406.625L41.38 214.625C28.88 202.125 28.88 181.875 41.38 169.375C53.88 156.875 74.13 156.875 86.63 169.375L256 338.8L425.4 169.4C437.9 156.9 458.15 156.9 470.65 169.4C483.15 181.9 483.15 202.15 470.65 214.65L278.65 406.65C272.4 412.9 264.2 416 256 416Z"></path></svg></span></button></div><div class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-container "><ul class="b-header-nav-chain__subsection-menu" id="header_sub_section_sponsored"><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/advertising-feature" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Advertising Feature</a></li><li class="subsection-item" data-testid="nav-chain-subsection-item"><a class="c-link" href="/special-reports" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Special Reports</a></li></ul></div></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/subscriber-rewards/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Subscriber Rewards</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/competitions" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Competitions</a></li><li class="section-item" data-testid="nav-chain-section-item"><a class="c-link" href="/weather/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1">Weather Forecast</a></li><li class="section-menu--bottom-placeholder"></li></ul></div></div></div></nav></header><section role="main" tabindex="-1" class="b-it-right-rail-advanced__main" id="main"><div class="c-stack b-it-right-rail-advanced__full-width-1" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><div id="arcad-feature-f0fJKL80l2wX2PY-1c53d06c0d4449" class="default__StyledAdUnit-sc-1moicrg-0 gKEhzJ arcad-feature" style="min-height:107px;--mobile-display:none;--tablet-display:block;--desktop-display:block"><div class="arcad-container width_100" style="max-width:970px"><div id="arcad_f0fJKL80l2wX2PY-1c53d06c0d4449" class="arcad ad-970x90"></div></div></div><div class="c-stack b-section-title" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><h1 class="c-heading">Your Family</h1></div><hr class="c-divider b-it-divider-block"/><div id="lazy_70982" class="lazy_container"><div class="b-flex-chain"><div class="b-flex-chain__grid-container b-flex-chain__grid-container__444 has-divider gap-divider"><div class="c-stack grid-item " data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><div class="c-stack b-flex-promo-list-block" data-style-direction="vertical" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap" style="--c-stack-gap:1rem"><article class="b-flex-promo-card b-flex-promo-card__top c-it-border__bottom c-it-border--mobile c-it-border--tablet"><figure class="c-media-item"><a class="c-link b-flex-promo-card__link" href="/health/your-family/2025/02/17/jen-hogan-if-youve-never-been-to-this-magical-childrens-music-event-theres-still-time/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="If you’ve never 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Then he studies again’</h2></a><a class="c-link b-numbered-list__item-image" href="/life-style/people/2025/02/15/competitive-parenting-in-china-school-starts-at-730am-and-i-pick-him-up-at-930-in-the-evening-we-usually-arrive-home-around-10pm-then-he-studies-again/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="" class="c-image" loading="lazy" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/A636P5GXG634UDCOGHAA46XZSQ.jpg?smart=true&auth=1cb8c7feb4b9c72115889463336ee30afcbbd4b22b3a2e4b05c3e7cac4827478&width=274&height=182" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/A636P5GXG634UDCOGHAA46XZSQ.jpg?smart=true&auth=1cb8c7feb4b9c72115889463336ee30afcbbd4b22b3a2e4b05c3e7cac4827478&width=137&height=91 137w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/A636P5GXG634UDCOGHAA46XZSQ.jpg?smart=true&auth=1cb8c7feb4b9c72115889463336ee30afcbbd4b22b3a2e4b05c3e7cac4827478&width=274&height=182 274w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/A636P5GXG634UDCOGHAA46XZSQ.jpg?smart=true&auth=1cb8c7feb4b9c72115889463336ee30afcbbd4b22b3a2e4b05c3e7cac4827478&width=548&height=364 548w" width="274" height="182"/></a></div><hr aria-hidden="true"/><div class="c-stack b-numbered-list__item" data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><p class="c-paragraph">3</p><a class="c-link" href="/environment/2025/02/17/clothes-banks-are-overflowing-as-market-for-castoffs-collapses/"><h2 class="c-heading">Clothes banks are overflowing as the ‘market for castoffs collapses’</h2></a><a class="c-link b-numbered-list__item-image" href="/environment/2025/02/17/clothes-banks-are-overflowing-as-market-for-castoffs-collapses/" aria-hidden="true" tabindex="-1"><img data-chromatic="ignore" alt="" class="c-image" loading="lazy" src="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/LFNVN3ZVF5CAJDCTRVXSO5G35U.jpg?smart=true&auth=b29b140d1142a57653bdf635600112156da44f70c9b781c8679cb3db2c0c5317&width=274&height=182" srcSet="https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/LFNVN3ZVF5CAJDCTRVXSO5G35U.jpg?smart=true&auth=b29b140d1142a57653bdf635600112156da44f70c9b781c8679cb3db2c0c5317&width=137&height=91 137w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/LFNVN3ZVF5CAJDCTRVXSO5G35U.jpg?smart=true&auth=b29b140d1142a57653bdf635600112156da44f70c9b781c8679cb3db2c0c5317&width=274&height=182 274w, https://www.irishtimes.com/resizer/v2/LFNVN3ZVF5CAJDCTRVXSO5G35U.jpg?smart=true&auth=b29b140d1142a57653bdf635600112156da44f70c9b781c8679cb3db2c0c5317&width=548&height=364 548w" width="274" height="182"/></a></div><hr aria-hidden="true"/><div class="c-stack b-numbered-list__item" data-style-direction="horizontal" data-style-justification="start" data-style-alignment="unset" data-style-inline="false" data-style-wrap="nowrap"><p class="c-paragraph">4</p><a class="c-link" href="/environment/2025/02/17/ireland-weather-why-has-it-been-so-gloomy-with-a-dearth-of-sunshine-across-the-country/"><h2 class="c-heading">Ireland weather: Dublin Airport has had zero hours of sunshine in the past 7 days. 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They were wondering if this might have been a better approach to getting their children to do what they wanted, rather than roaring like a fishwife over the years. “What sorcery is this?” their stunned expressions read.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7FMNK7ZFBDGHOLLLLTOX46MNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890578},"content":"I am a veteran Peace Proms attender, on account of having a socially unacceptable number of children. I used to wonder whether I was slightly addicted to pregnancy and having babies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"34726KFSQRGA3LGFBFS5RT5UDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890579},"content":"Apparently, that’s a real thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWACGNEQ2BFS7HGOUEONAPWTL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890580},"content":"But I had to stop on account of not having a public service vehicle licence and every seat in the Transit being filled. Which meant that the inevitable would one day happen - my final Peace Proms would come around.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RWZ7QPXX3VBJPBOAEZDEFSDAVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890581},"content":"And so it came to pass. Every child at my children’s school gets one chance to be in the Peace Proms. And when you’re a veteran, you know exactly how much you have to look forward to, so the excitement starts early. “It’s so special,” I told my little boy. “A really big deal. You’re going to love it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7KZAZ77XNZF2NHF463OGH2F65Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890582},"content":"In fact, I blew the event up to such epic proportions that he even wondered whether his participating in the show might be up there with his Communion and merit the booking of a bouncy castle. Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, or in any way take the sheen off the occasion, I responded in the only responsible and appropriate way possible. “Ask your father,” I said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4GSECZBSQ5G7PHQKMOKCWXYBOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890583},"content":"As the big day drew closer, I had a fair idea of some of the songs in store. Not only could a little voice be heard singing to himself in the lead up, but every time I played my Spotify list in the car, he’d excitedly announce, “Oh, we’re singing that too”. Naturally, I quietly and humbly congratulated myself on being an excellent mother, introducing her children to the sort of musical repertoire that an excellent mother might do. 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But it turns out that having a fabulous mop of curls not only makes you easier to spot for your own parents, it also means you can be used as a child-type landmark for the parents of other children in your class. “Found him” laughed the WhatsApp messages, as other parents seated around the venue placed their sons by proximity to mine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CL2AV72VZZHFPEAZXC3MPJJTQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890586},"content":"The great thing about the Peace Proms is that it caters for everyone, including us parents who are used to spending Saturday nights in front of the telly, debating whether wrestling the cork out of the wine counts as cardio, and lamenting a misspent youth. So, when the orchestra started belting out classics such as No Limits, Children, Maniac 2000 and Rhythm is a Dancer, we lost the run of ourselves, and the dodgy dance moves that followed subtly separated the Millennials from the Gen Xers and even the Boomers in the audience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OYCZ63DX2VCOPNIRIW3COLINTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890587},"content":"And that definitely counted as cardio.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ANW74APPFNG7POH3HT5JBUTXVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890588},"content":"There’s something hugely emotional about listening to the innocent sound of children’s voices singing in unison, and watching them dance excitedly in their rows. Even more so when you know it’s your last time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"33UWTT3LSJAA7CTN3XGPSSWZY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890589},"content":"The show closed to their anthem of John Farnham’s The Voice. “We’re all someone’s daughter. We’re all someone’s son,” the song goes. “We’re not going to sit in silence. We’re not going to live with fear,” the children chorus. And you hope that if they take nothing else from the show, they remember this.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QWIZ5XNJD5EVPHD42Z3NZZT43Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890590},"content":"Thanks for the magical memories, Peace Proms.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WUFTW2NY25DG5H2MMALMTY4BUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890591},"content":"I’m not crying. You are.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S5YJFBIUJZFD7OHQ32JGCNEBKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890592},"content":"Oh no, it turns out, we all are.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEZ5LMRR7JCCFBFJR6P5IV3NYU","additional_properties":{},"content":"Remaining 2025 Peace Proms Dates:","type":"header"},{"_id":"EYKIVYKDHZBQJH2YJMAHTZLJLM","type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"No matter how many times you go to the Peace Proms, it never fails to take your breath away. 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As of this week, a total of 124 parents – about 75 per cent of the class’s parents – have joined the “delay smartphones and/or social media” group.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQXWZ263SNAP7DE4UKORP4N6PU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503809},"content":"The second-level school her son is due to attend is one of about a dozen, mostly in the South Dublin area, where similar parent-led WhatsApp groups have emerged in recent weeks. They include St Andrew’s College and Coláiste Íosagáin in Booterstown, Newpark Comprehensive School and Sion Hill College in Blackrock, Loreto Foxrock, Loreto Dalkey and others. There are early signs of others sprouting up among parents of soon-to-be first-year students in Cork, Galway and elsewhere.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E7ZBKLE2FJH63AMP52DQP4HUHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503810},"content":"Parents are, in a way, conducting a large-scale social experiment: can they hold out in the face of their children’s self-proclaimed wants and needs, the might of social media’s addictive algorithms and what many see as a failure by successive governments to regulate the dangers of the online world.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IZXKKESGO5EDZH6VOV3V7QJ2NA","additional_properties":{"_id":"CDASCFDQR5AMLFWEKHEANZANG4"},"content":"Can a school smartphone ban work? Here’s what principals and anti-bullying researchers think","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ON77I4EADVA6DCGHTZIUN3IGWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503811},"content":"“Intuitively, we know that giving them a smartphone at that age is just too early,” Lovegrove says. “But I feel like the tide is turning. It’s about strength in numbers. If parents know their child won’t be the only one without a smartphone, it makes it much easier to delay.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZITMDYKRYNH3BKEU2IVWQW2SDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503812},"content":"Eoghan Cleary sees the impact of children’s unfettered internet access among his students on a daily basis.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XIRXTHQPVHANHKDX7AMLTEYEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503813},"content":"He is an assistant principal, English teacher and coordinator of SPHE (social, personal and health education) at Temple Carrig, a mixed secondary school in Greystones.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U74J7LU7CFDDHI6GLXIMMPFGL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503814},"content":"In discussions with his students, he says it is clear they are being bombarded with an array of highly inappropriate and damaging content – with serious consequences.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TG5S7YOGRBFTJOJCL2HLXJWXFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503815},"content":"“As soon as the internet realises you’re a teenage boy or girl, you are flooded with stuff which their research shows will keep you scrolling,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFMQGPKRXBAMFO6RURNDK7ZW34","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503816},"content":"“For guys, it’s all the misogynistic content. All of the narratives that men are being falsely accused of rape; that if you don’t have a father you’re more likely to be a rapist, a criminal and a drug addict – all this comes up in the classroom,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DNUCQ3ER2NATBD5G5OYYWJUQ3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503817},"content":"“And then for girls, they’re just bombarded with fake Ozempic nasal sprays, tanning injections, teeth filing, fake Botox supplements – all the stuff that’s based on their appearance and more so about their sexualisation.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZUQI6VFMVHEVKMHI7ZZKKNQVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503818},"content":"The proliferation of pornography is everywhere online, he says, and across all social media platforms.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASMISIB62NE3TLBO3AGNLVN2BM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503819},"content":"“If you’re a female student, you get direct messages regularly asking for nude selfies. I had a first-year group ... who had a WhatsApp group which was primarily used for porn sharing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GD4HLYNXKBCVVFVFR7APITL55I","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503820},"content":"The impact of all this, he says, is deeply troubling. Cleary has received disclosures of sexual assault from students who were at parties; evidence of students being blackmailed online after sharing sexual images of themselves; reports of self-harm in school bathrooms; worryingly high levels of anxiety and school refusal.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TXW7DQCR4FBR3PLJLRDOWOEXXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503821},"content":"Research shows mental health problems have soared since smartphones became ubiquitous well over a decade ago. There have been numerous warnings, too, of weakened social bonds, increased loneliness, sadness and social anxiety among children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QRXESHMXEBDNZEM3K6JEUEHTGY","additional_properties":{"_id":"FXONTBJ74JCK3N4DFCEFPNFFKY"},"content":"McEntee to push ahead with €9m smartphone pouches as study casts doubt over their merits","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"JIFTREAGF5AZHIRQG77UDEFJ6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503822},"content":"While some large-scale studies are slow to solidify a causal relationship between social media usage and these problems, Cleary has no such reservations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDRDTK272BE2FBN34F4TUHHXQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503823},"content":"“To me, it’s so bloody obvious that it’s smartphones ... but I’m also at pains to state that it isn’t really about smartphones alone; it’s giving the internet access to your child, through any device. It is not so much what your child does online; it’s what the online world does as soon as it realises who your child is ... this wasn’t so much of a problem before algorithms.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MDNOOWTGLFHUDALQO42ZJUINYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503824},"type":"image"},{"_id":"WWSEKOECINH4HPKKJL5QT62WKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503825},"content":"Hilda Hamilton is one of the parents signed up to the “delay smartphones” campaign.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PIDHDKVBBRALNGGN2OMIBD3UEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503826},"content":"A mother of three from Sandymount in Dublin, she is determined to hold off getting a smartphone for her eldest son (12).","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVKTBJTJQZDMRNH7UTQCTW6SYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503827},"content":"“My gut feeling is there is something fundamentally wrong with giving a smartphone at that age,” she says. “I know how much I use it and I’m 44. It is so addictive – yet we’re expecting them to have the emotional intelligence to handle it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFXIHD2YYVAMDKQJQMENTOUCNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503828},"content":"She feels parents are being failed by government, regulators and social media companies, but is cheered by the fact that parents are taking action.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKHMBZPRIFFKFKNKTAUOMANFSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503829},"content":"Like many in the WhatsApp groups, she is thinking of giving her son an old-style Nokia or Balance phone, designed to block addictive content and apps, instead.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A3LEZY6KZFBTLIXUGI3TZFPGAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503830},"content":"“I’m pro technology and being able to communicate, but want to delay his access to social media ... It would purely be a means of contacting him. You can still have independence with a normal phone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7OI74BRKBZA4BB7XRTLRAU3EBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503831},"content":"Gill Hurley from Dalkey has told her 12-year-old he will not be getting a phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ACNVUFJP25G3BKBCYHCZDL7ZKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503832},"content":"“Is he delighted? No, but he understands my view ... they don’t have to like it, but if they understand your reasons, I think they will get more on-board ...","type":"text"},{"_id":"EMEGO5KGIBE3LDQVQO7K473AC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503833},"content":"“I’m not naive and I know the pressure will be on when he starts second level ... but I also know that if I gave him a smartphone, I’d be arguing all the time about apps and screen time. So, this really is the lesser of the two evils.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UICJO477ANGQ5JQXFGKQU4PR6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503834},"content":"For some parents involved in the initiative, it is a second chance to take a different path.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NXQWNSBKO5CQ3PRCVN7HME7H74","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503835},"content":"Ross Staunton gave his daughter in second year a smartphone when she started second level on the basis that all her class would have one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOZWGZV3DVHXVOGKQL5PTVL5EM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503836},"content":"Having seen the impact of it, he wants to delay doing the same for his son who starts secondary school in September.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STOCESH75NALFJQNCLHWOX7U3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503837},"content":"“The crunch time will come in the summer,” he admits. “We’re all talking a good game at the moment and most, I think, are planning to press ahead with it. Even if some do cave in, I’m hopeful there will be enough. It will require bravery from parents. I think if we can hold off until 14 or 15 years of age, you’re doing well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3DGLS5R5DJEZDEYDOJ6PVUAKIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503838},"content":"Eoghan Cleary regularly gives talks to parents at schools about staying safe online. He has been doing it for about eight years but only recently felt a “tipping point” in the level of interest.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SVOVXUBUUVG5HIGFHMSRBMCUTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503839},"content":"“Back then there might have been 10 or 14 people in the room turning up. Now, the rooms are packed with hundreds of parents. Parents are more aware. They can see what’s going on with their children and don’t know what to do about it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I33OEAXH6FFALA6DIR3X3ATBRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503840},"content":"One of his key messages, he says, is that parents have power – even if they don’t realise it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJSPOFZAINAWRG53C73JPLNMJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503841},"content":"“Otherwise, governments are not going to do anything. Yes, there’s a large corporate tech lobby out there. 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A regular story of boy-meets-girl who then date 9,844km apart.","type":"text"},{"_id":"COOZDYBEARE3LCSCBZG2U26XBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797895},"content":"Friends used to tease as we met up again on “neutral ground” (“What’s your romcom going to be called: ‘PS, I’m in Morocco’?”), but there was clearly a connection, and we persisted by trialling visits in both Lima and Dublin.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V6Y2K7MP5NE3VCQRD7QWLFHFXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797896},"content":"We never dreamed of a cross-continent relationship, but we took a punt and here we are 19 years later at the Convention Centre.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QV6GXCALZCV5KXAYR6XEJGDZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797897},"type":"image"},{"_id":"VDXE2MBB6FB4JMUZC7ZFFYVSBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797898},"content":"When he first arrived in 2013, Gianmarco was told he was one of nine Peruvians in the country. (Fact check: there were at least more than 51 according to the CSO and that has risen to 231 by Census 2022.)","type":"text"},{"_id":"KOJMGV7N6FALLD7TXR35W2AIQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797899},"content":"But he soon found his tribe. There’s something about being far from home that brings out a fervent sense of nationalism. Suddenly we were waving red and white flags at Independence Day celebrations, seeking out compatriots to swap recipes for ceviche and roaring at the big screen as Peru qualified for their first World Cup since Spain 1982.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U6M7BKF254ZKU725D54RVPQOUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797900},"type":"image"},{"_id":"EDEO7L2RDZGKLH5T7AZ6JU7VEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797901},"content":"Gianmarco later joined other Peruvians in the St Patrick’s Day parade, was invited to the Áras by <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/michael-d-higgins/\" target=\"_self\">Michael D</a> and even trialled a pop-up Peruvian restaurant.","type":"text"},{"_id":"57TG3JGMJZEYVOFZOXAWY34RIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797902},"content":"Similarly, he assimilated to Irish culture. He embraced opportunities to learn Irish, pick a favourite pub (The Blue Light) and learn enough about rugby to hold his own during the Six Nations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QKJ4W727FE5DJBJ6Y3UXJNBUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797903},"content":"At one point he even joined a burly, if ageing, rugby team. He persisted with training through muddy November in Donnybrook, but called it quits after a collision in a scrum and a purple eye, retiring just weeks after his debut aged 40.","type":"text"},{"_id":"25ZDZV4CQZHBFF73PZSDF2F6YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797904},"content":"“I moved to Ireland in the month of August, so the culture shock was minimal as the weather was great,” he says. “The winters are hard, but there’s nothing like Dublin – people are friendly, always interested to know where I come from and exchange stories. I love how Irish people respect their culture, how they are so proud of their language.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G253BXH6S5FAZJAHMSSBJTGMOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797905},"type":"image"},{"_id":"3MENOA2UUJHXRD7R33QRJ23OH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797906},"content":"Now over a decade in, our family of four relish weekend walks in the mountains, swims with the boys (think more Swan Leisure Centre, less Irish Sea) and sessions with our extended family.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KVF4Z6Y4CRBGDOICOXGKAGHVDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797907},"content":"Although the distance to his hometown never shrinks, connections to family in Lima are now as quick and cheap as a WhatsApp call.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GFSOBHYWYFFHHDRQBS6KOJACOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797908},"content":"Let’s be honest, there’s little romance left in the Civil Service these days, but cheers to that bored bureaucrat for trawling through years of tedious applications to lead to Irish citizenship.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Claire Murphy"}]},"description":{"basic":"Irish citizenship ceremony: We never dreamed of a cross-continent relationship but here we are 19 years later "},"display_date":"2025-02-13T17:57:29.24Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I met Gianmarco the day I finished the Inca trail in Peru. 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The <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/business/economy/2022/09/23/john-fitzgerald-taliban-like-marriage-bar-held-back-the-nations-economy/#:~:text=The%20Commission%20on%20the%20Status,their%20turnover%20of%20trained%20staff.\" target=\"_blank\">marriage bar</a>, for many jobs in Ireland, was in place until 1973. A woman’s place was clearly in the home. And the same was naturally true for those who were mothers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160881},"type":"image"},{"_id":"Y6KCD2IAFVCCVCBJRZ5BZG6TUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160882},"content":"Fast forward several decades and things now look a little different. Marriage and motherhood, in theory, are no longer barriers to successful and fulfilling careers. Women have fought hard to be heard and seen in the pursuit of equality and opportunity.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QAKBJZRPZJEKBADH5M2TXSOCPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160883},"content":"Which makes admitting that you’d actually prefer to have a more traditional role in the family somewhat difficult to say out loud.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KIPUF2PWARHADJEC6ILIYYVUII","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160884},"content":"Carla finds herself envying her friend, who is a stay-at-home parent. “I’d love to have, not a stress-free life, but a less stressful life,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZEWRYKVKBGIXGZ4GJGJIELIWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160885},"content":"She wonders if more women would prefer to stay at home if the option was available to them, “but we have this societal thing of, if you don’t work, what about your pension? What about after your children are reared? What if you and your partner break up? You need to be financially independent. There’s so much conflicting information told to parents. We’re told to parent like we don’t work. And work like we don’t parent.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S32FM5ZH6JHKHBZHIVK6HNAU2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160886},"content":"The mother of two says she recently sought out a job, which was flexible, but for which she’s “totally overqualified”, earning far less money than she could. This, although frustrating, is necessary, she explains, so she can work around children’s sicknesses, appointments and school holidays.","type":"text"},{"_id":"64FGE42LO5HRHKQD25ELMWIVPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160887},"content":"Although her children are now both in school, Carla says she’s still paying approximately €800 per month “for really crap childcare”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IRWEHEBQ7VEMLDS664KLV6V4EQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160888},"content":"Young parents: ‘A lot of them would suffer social anxiety and isolation’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"2K33SKBDHVDEDAB44P2MM3TK5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160889},"content":"“One of the regrets as a working parent is that I just feel I’m running to stand still. When they were younger, I was working literally to pay their creche fees, but I did it, going ‘this is temporary’. I’ve got all this education. I’ve got all these skills, and when they start school I’ll have more money in my pocket. Now, I still feel like I’ve the same money in my pocket, which is not a lot, and I’m still working and I just don’t see when the break is going to come that being a working parent has been worth it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VAU6WGOP5JFIFOJV5OERZUNPJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160890},"content":"“I have tremendous guilt that they go to afterschool every day when other kids are picked up by their parents. My youngest today said to me, ‘Can you pick me up [from school]?’, and I said, ‘I can’t I’ve to work, but I’ll try and pick you up early from after school if I get through my work’, and he got really upset.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LMCDJ3O55EHPJXJVWEVZZRJW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160891},"content":"Carla is “run ragged” trying to manage work and parenting. If she can’t commit to a late work meeting, because she needs to collect her children, she tries to avoid explaining why. When she has to explain, she fears she’s being judged. She used to judge others, before she became a parent. She’s “wrecked” each week. “People say, all you need is some downtime. But the only time I could get downtime is when I get sick.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AG7T52ODC5CHPKA6XUQNZI6POE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160892},"content":"Older family members have passed comments about being a working parent, such as: “You go to college to get this education, and then you have your kids and you just put them in creche all day… you just can’t win.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TQBPUW6VNAXRJQER5OMKKB34U","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160893},"content":"She’s already worried about how she’s going to manage to work the school summer holidays. “It’s so different from the childhood I had,” she says. “My summers were definitely a lot more innocent and carefree and less structured, because most of us had a mammy at home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VVWMV4GD6BGGTMV34LUUVHRPY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160894},"content":"Mother of two Emma is very eager to become a stay-at-home mother. “That’s the goal,” she says. “Even when working full-time, leaving at 7am and returning at almost 7pm, the rest of the time is not dedicated to my kids. I then have to think about cooking and feeding the family, preparing lunches, cleaning the house, washing the clothes, food shopping, doctors, vaccinations, dentists, eye tests, endless birthday parties, and dealing with kids getting every illness under the sun – while ill too!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6YKOXBWXJGMROQ2NBI5ZNCFLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160895},"content":"She’s left “exhausted with no quality family time, let alone date night, all while worrying about making ends even come close to meeting”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XH3Y7INWFBFPGZPDQUJYONNCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160896},"content":"Podcast: Becoming a mother at 49: ‘If I didn’t try… I would have lived with regret until the end of my days’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OISOSW7QOJEKHIW36RYK2KB6RY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160897},"content":"Emma doesn’t feel her desire to assume a more traditional role in her family, is in any way an affront to feminism. “My being a stay-at-home mum has no bearing on what any other woman or mum decides is right for her and her family. For our family and life, we would prefer for my husband to work with what he is passionate about and educated in, while I do what I love: raise our children and run and manage the household. That’s what makes sense to us, fills both our cups and is the life we have chosen to work towards.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N6BZFDEGHBDNXEMNW4MYTGT2NQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160898},"content":"Ailbhe, is a mother to two young children. She’s also a primary schoolteacher. But she’d far prefer to be a stay-at-home parent, she explains. “I just find the pace of life in society at the moment is mad. There’s no downtime. I’m job-sharing, so I’ve the best of both worlds, but I still feel you’re dragging the kids out of bed in the morning. You’re dropping them off. You’re rushing to work, the supermarket. You’re just constantly on the go.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EIXU2LMW7ZDHNMIWWW6YBTLUNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160899},"content":"Ailbhe has a commute to work every day which adds to the stress. “I just feel as a society we’re all in a rush and, sometimes, it feels like you’re on that hamster wheel … but the way things are, you need two incomes for a mortgage. It’s just the way things are.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GRRWIGHSHVANROQF5V6GI2MWVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160900},"content":"Her ideal would be to become a stay-at-home mam who is at home growing her own vegetables. “I’d love to have that pace of life and just to know what my kids are eating. That they’re eating healthy foods, and to have that little bit of freedom … I think my kids will never have the freedom that we had when we were younger.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FLQGTBSD2BHJTLRKLSNRFL46WE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160901},"content":"Ailbhe likes to prepare meals from scratch and says if she could stay at home, she could do this more. She understands that people might view adopting this more traditional role as a waste of her education. “I get that … but I guess that’s just how I feel at the moment. Maybe part of me is burnt out from my job, from work, from the mortgage, it’s all non-stop … from having two young kids. I’m at that stage where it’s all a bit mad.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6X3DIE6Q5EEDE3NCOERK4RYLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160902},"content":"“As a mother, you lose yourself for a few years definitely. And I feel that just having a bit more time. I feel that the last five years have been nothing to do with me and all about everyone else.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TWWCYXUSS5FSDOJCYVLHAVN66M","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160903},"content":"Ailbhe feels society has become quite unaccepting of the idea of a woman choosing to become a stay-at-home parent. “We have a ‘notions’ society. It’s all about what you have and how big your house is and your car and the whole lot. I think less is more. Spend time with your kids. I think that’s what’s missing and I see that in school. I see that the kids are not spending time with their parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5E6UWWJ34VCJ7PGKSDP556Z5T4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160904},"content":"Deirdre has two children and has recently finished up work. “I used to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.” She and her husband were like “ships that passed in the night”, due to their different working hours.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RUFTSMEHWFCFDJGUT5DXEQBUIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160905},"content":"“It came to a head when the children were both in primary school. I found we had no time for any life, family life. It was a very functional life. You’d pick the kids up from the childminder. Get into the dark house. Turn on the lights. Get the washing machine on. Get the dinner on. When I look back at it now, it was joyless and soulless.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHLDCKODLBHCZLLMULM4L7WRI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160906},"content":"“When the kids were younger we were always working full-time and the kids were in creche. I remember at one stage the creche was the same as our mortgage. When I look at it now I think, ‘Jesus, how did we buy into it?’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZ76ZMQWZBBZFFEIIFYQ56ORXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160907},"content":"Things changed for Deirdre after a period of ill health forced her to take some time off. “It was during that period of sick leave, knowing I had to go back to work, that my husband and I said ‘something’s got to give’ and I decided to take a career break.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"34TTLUYXQRBYTHRV2KCT3YJBDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160908},"content":"In the absence of a second wage, the couple used their savings, help from family and she became an expert bargain hunter when shopping for food. “You had the time for all this,” she says. “It was the best time of my life. It was the happiest I ever was. I had the gift of time with the kids, for my husband, for the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3VNGPYL7IZAO3E3RHORP6DCCFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160909},"content":"“I had time for my health. I lost six stone. I had time to walk and be healthy. From the corporate working woman, I turned into this 1950s housewife. I had the milk and home-made cookies ready for the kids coming in from school and I absolutely loved it. I found I didn’t miss the cut and thrust of work at all. I missed my colleagues and maybe some of the social side, but I really got some perspective, that the career didn’t matter as much as I thought. I was so much happier and more fulfilled.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V7KMDEMJABGYXNLHDOIQEYKVYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160910},"content":"Knowing a return to work was unavoidable, Deirdre and her husband set about planning to allow Deirdre to retire early so she could return to being a stay-at-home parent. “My career didn’t, and it doesn’t, define me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TQRBOL6IR5BIROZ6VEFLNOVCNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160911},"content":"Rosanna Davison: I annoy myself with how organised I am. I wish I could be less efficient","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ASEPB23GNZBODG3363PW3TFZH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160912},"content":"“You realise that all that stressful work catches up with you,” she says. “I saw it from the far side too. When you leave work, they forget about you as quick as they look at you. I’m so grateful that I got out because I think I would have been in an early grave myself. I got a new slant on what was important and I’m about a billion times happier than I was.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X7NEL677NBEJDLRBN2PFGD2CBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160913},"content":"“Wanting to stay at home and care for your children is totally normal,” psychotherapist Bethan O’Riordan says. “I feel that it almost needs to be carved out in a new modern way and a modern light. That it’s not a being chained to the kitchen sink-type thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F27ZKDK245FRNCTGTNUQDMHDDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160914},"content":"“I think being a woman is so complicated and tricky. A lot of people went to college and got jobs, maybe before they had children … so then when children come along, there’s a whole new draw in our lives that we didn’t even know existed before, because we never experienced motherhood. I love being a homemaker and I take great pride in it. And I would love if women were allowed to celebrate that bit as well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4RUPJ4QXRHYJMG44SCIJEQKOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160915},"content":"Guilt is “a very normal motivational system that we have to do no harm to somebody else” she says, referring to the infamous mum guilt. The difficulty is that “guilt doesn’t know when to dial down”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MW4VUKED5ZD3TNRLVQYG72F6LY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160916},"content":"O’Riordan advises mothers to think about the “quality and not the quantity of parenting” they’re providing. “The quality isn’t all the stuff you can get for them, or the expensive bits, but how is the quality of your engagement with your child?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RXCE6UYLLBDWRKAAGMJPO6T5OI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160917},"content":"Children want their parents’ attention, O’Riordan explains. “Whether we’re working in the home, being a homemaker, whether we’ve got a fantastic career, I do think it’s still possible to use our attention to let our children know that we care. And I do think we all need help figuring that out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7DQLK3MRYJBYPEZYGCYNTJVKOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160918},"content":"“Every mother needs to be supported because there is so much thrown at us in terms of what we’re meant to be in life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DHNAJA2FOBDPDNFX2MMFGEG2MI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160919},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"WSDGLUWQ4BBHPNYG2GANQHKGWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160920},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"JEXUJ3KVQNA4XIFB4PXYATWFZQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting Taboos: The creche was the same as our mortgage. When I look at it now I think, ‘Jesus, how did we buy into it?’"},"display_date":"2025-02-11T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Regretting working outside the home: ‘We’re told to parent like we don’t work. And work like we don’t parent’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"JX72UPZAQJHK7KZRTFMNWB37MY","auth":{"1":"169062fdee9c186e7ba2bd1a3f02424d9f1713b45908b8ebbf36225ea606095b"},"focal_point":{"x":1821,"y":1528},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/JX72UPZAQJHK7KZRTFMNWB37MY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/11/regretting-working-outside-the-home-were-told-to-parent-like-we-dont-work-and-work-like-we-dont-parent/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"EYWA7WBLUZCKJH55UYJWFYY2OA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":307,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/f97e93eb-9e0e-4990-96b9-e24c0c9c0a15/versions/1738669003/media/ca98d83e6bc52248d37b434c677ce7c1_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/10/how-do-i-deal-with-a-highly-capable-17-year-old-girl-who-does-not-want-to-go-to-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"WG2VNBZVIJHKFDYLHB5CFKL5UE","additional_properties":{},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"P4G752JUPRGVZLFSQSNYLQ5LLM","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>How do I deal with a highly capable 17-year-old girl who does not want to go to school? She seems to be suffering from very high anxiety levels and is stressed about many aspects of school, such as being asked a question by the teachers or being asked to read aloud in class, etc.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"S4ZXBEXJFVHTBMW52RSRRCEOLU","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>We encourage her to attend school, but it does not always work and often ends up with her in tears and staying at home. Even when she does leave the car to go in, you can see how stressed she is. We feel bad, like we are sending her into the lion’s den. When she comes home she is often wrecked by the stress and has to go to bed. When we talk to the teachers, they don’t seem to notice her stress and just see her as a quiet girl in the class. She is highly capable academically and gets good grades on tests (despite stressing about them).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"UA2GFZ2B6FCODNWVG4NC5D2H3I","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>Another thing is that she does not have too many friends in school – her best two friends are her cousin and another girl she knows for years from ballet. She loves holidays and is much happier during the school breaks. For example, we just had a great Christmas with her, but as the school reopening date approached her stress levels really increased.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"4I2GPCC3FJGEXIZYTV3MGDAKEM","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>Any advice would be very much appreciated.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFLXK6EXFVAX5KCZUEIL7I3A2I","additional_properties":{},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZZRBAJP4GNAOBOOX5AR7YE6XKM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Many children and teenagers find attending school stressful and <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/child-anxiety/\" target=\"_blank\">anxiety</a> provoking. This is particularly the case for children who are <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autistic</a> or who have other additional needs. Specific reasons for these high levels of stress vary greatly. Like your daughter, they experience high anxiety at the prospect of being asked a question or to read out loud (and can ruminate about this for hours). Others find the social pressures, school routine or the academic schedule difficult to navigate. Like your daughter, many children appear “quiet” in the class and the teachers don’t notice their anxiety, when in fact this is a sign of your daughter masking her distress and in a state of emotional shutdown.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SEHB2DOELVAEPKCPUWDW6MVYQA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Meeting the school","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZHCQMQCXERDPVNSYUIK2WXLPFY","additional_properties":{},"content":"The first thing to do to help is to meet the year head in the school and to explain the high levels of anxiety your daughter is experiencing and to ask for their support. They may have a resource teacher or school counsellor who can help. You can specifically ask the year head to let all her teachers know to not ask her to read in class and if she is to be involved in any presentation that they give you notice so you can help her prepare her. You can also ask for other accommodations that might help. For example, some children find it useful to have a safe place to go to when needing a break from the stress (such as the counsellor’s office) or having some structured activities or jobs at the lunchbreaks may reduce stress also.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2LGTP4IUPZFN5GJJXLW2FAQRAM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Consider reducing your daughter’s school day","type":"header"},{"_id":"MWQ7JND7JVGE7ONNLTM5D3M67A","additional_properties":{},"content":"Given that your daughter is highly capable 17 year old, she might be more productive in her study/learning at home where she is happier and more relaxed. As a result you could consider reducing the number of days she attends school or reducing the length of the school day to reduce stress. You could do this with agreement with the school by negotiating a reduced schedule or a pass system whereby she can leave class on a high stress day and contact you to go home (you will likely need the support of a professional assessment to persuade the school to agree to this). You can also agree a home pass system with your daughter. For example, on a high stress day, she can opt to use her pass to take the day off and study at home (you can agree she has so many passes a week).","type":"text"},{"_id":"K7JBXPVHNJAAPBXSBGIBCN6YHE","additional_properties":{},"content":"This gives her some self-control and avoids a tearful journey to school where she finally decides not to go in under extreme stress. In arranging a reduced schedule it is important to give your daughter a cover story that she feels able to communicate to peers about her absences. This can be simply be that she is prone to fatigue or sickness and needs time off to recuperate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47TFCMXGI5CBTDJRZM25NRUYGU","additional_properties":{"_id":"JXJAXASZOJAKBIBSW4I4K42C6I"},"content":"‘My 17-year-old says the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go into school’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"PW622SJR6BDXLEFSW66UVK2IIU","additional_properties":{},"content":"Explore options with your daughter","type":"header"},{"_id":"XXSHNDK3ZBD23FLH7GCWKCP6J4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Whatever you decide, it is important to talk through options with your daughter. Make sure to listen to her and show her that you understand and are there to help her. Encourage her to say more about her specific stresses during the school day and explore what things might help her. There may be effective strategies that you can come up with together. Consider getting the support of a counsellor who could talk through the challenges with you or your daughter or with both of you together. In addition, make sure to continue to support her in the activities that are source of wellbeing in her life, such as going to ballet, meeting her cousin and friends as well as breaks and holidays. Planning and focusing on some nice events, as well as problem-solving challenges together as they arise will add to her ability to cope.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLA4HQTFZBG6RNFXB6OWWSBDOU","additional_properties":{},"content":"For more support, please see the other questions I have written on <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/dr-john-sharry-five-steps-to-beating-your-child-s-anxiety-1.2999861\">school related anxiety</a>. There are some good parent Facebook groups such as School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties in Ireland and Not Fine in School in the UK as well as some useful <a href=\"https://www.cypsc.ie/resources/emotionally-based-school-avoidance-school-refusal-resources.3635.html\">resource packs for parents and teachers</a> published by <a href=\"https://www.cypsc.ie/\">cypsc.ie</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L7SQHROK35E4FLDMKRJWVB3IJQ","content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"V6LIZG4E6ZDXRIVY7P6X35CP2I","type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: She seems to be suffering from very high anxiety levels and is stressed about many aspects of school"},"display_date":"2025-02-10T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How do I deal with a highly capable 17-year-old girl who does not want to go to school?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5FXJW5AKSVHWTBKQZGD356DZV4","auth":{"1":"80eff4447138bc75a339cd5e288ea0ddb5e5d1d70e8188883e3fde6571bb99ae"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5FXJW5AKSVHWTBKQZGD356DZV4.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/10/how-do-i-deal-with-a-highly-capable-17-year-old-girl-who-does-not-want-to-go-to-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"RXF2MHYY2ZGVTKICNPMV4OSZLQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":324,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/67b63e4e-4cda-465c-abf8-b3b3cbe4283c/versions/1738076208/media/20ee3891ef761a93d89522873a03e34b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/29/whatsapp-groups-are-like-hotel-california-you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave/","content_elements":[{"_id":"R2PLIMFGI5ACTBHAX6XDYJIN24","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Do you have Aladdin?” the voice on the end of the phone asked.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6UAOMMU7FD6NOFF5NPFUAT4QE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“The school app?” I replied, wondering where this conversation was going.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OFXTCSRL7JDXDGELERO27ACJ7Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yes,” my friend answered. “Of course you do. Because everyone bloody does. But does that stop them?” she demanded. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSPJIPOEK5D2LGRQB7X2YOOIQQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I had an inkling who “them” was, but my friend was in full flow, so I let her at it. It was January 23rd, the day before <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2025/01/27/storm-eowyn-crews-brought-from-eu-countries-to-help-esb-restore-power/\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2025/01/27/storm-eowyn-crews-brought-from-eu-countries-to-help-esb-restore-power/\">Storm Éowyn</a>. Or the big red weather warning storm, as those who were there and remember it well, fondly call it. And the notification that the schools were to close the next day had gone out on her Aladdin app.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KV3ZL52MTVGSHEWUI6GJ44HYZQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"This wasn’t the source of her stress. It was the fact that someone had screenshot the message and shared it in her class WhatsApp group, thus springing the group into life. “We all have Aladdin. So, we all got the message. And we all knew it was coming, anyway, because it was all over the news. But still some lick has to be the first one to post it in the group, and now the next hour will be spent with my notifications going off as they all go, “thanks Julie”. “Oh, you’re so good for letting us know, Julie.” “Cheers, Julie.” “Oh, fair play, Julie.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YK35WA6WQ5FMFFZ2OAXT6FHJAE","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SNITAQ37R5C6TO46SGGRKCQKCA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Only it didn’t stop there. Because my friend has three children in school. And that screenshot turned up in each of the three class groups, where a similar response pattern broke out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLWW3BLFQJBOVKEVYX4LYHMHEE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I swear to God, this just tips me over the edge. I mean I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with these WhatsApp groups when menopause hits!” she continued.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EBBBFXHZQZFUJBU37HEORWZEPE","additional_properties":{},"content":"At the risk of terrifying helpful <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parents everywhere </a>– or mortally offending my own WhatsApp groups who are well used to my own “what’s this, now”? reply to helpful reminders, which prove rarely to be reminders to me anyway – I should clarify that my friend has a weird relationship with her phone. We openly tease her for it. She’s the sort of person who uses the phone to ring people, in that whole retro vibe. And she doesn’t even text beforehand to see if the person she’s ringing is okay with her ringing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVQ56ULMMFETXFNABNJQY6SF6I","additional_properties":{},"content":"Like I said, retro.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7GOWMKGOUBFA5CYXOXWWDPWRGQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"She finds the whole WhatsApp thing very intrusive. She’s not keen that a lot of people she doesn’t know very well have her phone number in the interest of class co-ordination. She recently got a text that began: “Hi” and so she immediately checked with me and another friend (we have a WhatsApp group) to see if one of us had changed number. “No,” we replied. To which she answered that she had blocked the number and deleted the message because the sender had used a full stop after the word Hi, which was a red flag to her, she said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LIPAYYDJW5HHFLQW2KQCJMTNEY","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"VSOIATVEMFDQDKKQ2RAWMCQIIU","additional_properties":{},"content":"A little while later, having given the offending punctuation some thought, another message appeared in our group. “I’m thinking that might have been a parent sending on a party invite. And I might have been a teeny bit over the top. Does anyone know how to retrieve an unread, deleted message, whose number I’ve blocked on WhatsApp”?","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZ7W4JCQKRGL3OH23WZQO2B4K4","additional_properties":{},"content":"We were still of no use to her. Even after we’d stopped laughing at her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G2W4UDUMFZH2VO65M7UJGKNORY","additional_properties":{},"content":"But even in the world of more proportionate responses to WhatsApp messages and WhatsApp groups, the incessant notifications, and claims of ever-so-subtle competition are enough to see plenty of parents rolling their eyes far back into their heads.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WG2A2JELKNGHZIBG45HJ2GSRMM","additional_properties":{},"content":"For some, it’s constant attempts to decipher what actually is for homework with multiple journals considered and multiple children consulted until the adults are content that the homework is accurate. For others, it’s the never-ending “is it tracksuit or uniform?” checks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MHNZBOFEZF2JADEGJJYJNCTPI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Who cares?” exclaimed one parent in frustration.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3W4UVLZJ7RBITBHHUSPJ3WWTV4","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"CTBIPHLJZZFIVP2SH63ZNLH2I4","additional_properties":{},"content":"It’s the “has anyone seen X’s coat, on a daily basis” another parent offered. While one found herself quickly removed from, John’s 10th birthday group. “Oops, didn’t mean to invite him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEIRH7GLJVGPNFZH4DM3KCJNWQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"And then there’s the added danger of alcohol. “Step away from social media when you’ve had a few,” goes the mantra. But alas having a few can make you forget that mantra and post unwisely in the group. One parent told the tale of two parents who posted a video of themselves “absolutely twisted, dancing around their livingroom. It was there for about an hour before one of them copped it and deleted it. But everyone had seen it. Everyone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VB6ZKHPMX5A2XMQGPQFPQGYRQE","additional_properties":{},"content":"While another parent shared that time a mum in their WhatsApp group decided to tell them all to f**k off, before having to apologise the next day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HLC5OXMZ5ZBIJIQ4Z2ROSHJTZM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Yet, despite the occupational hazards, we stay. WhatsApp groups are like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with these WhatsApp groups when menopause hits!' "},"display_date":"2025-02-03T06:05:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"WhatsApp groups are like Hotel California ... You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"FGL3IWGZOJFIVGBWUHHKZPPNZE","auth":{"1":"92c55cbfc700c9181d99c0771db11a34ab71ada71164eaad5207c20810b20abc"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FGL3IWGZOJFIVGBWUHHKZPPNZE.png"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/29/whatsapp-groups-are-like-hotel-california-you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"LY5FCGOI4FBTPFL2NW2Z35I4QI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":359,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/96e509ff-272f-4916-9e43-d98c7e6b548d/versions/1737391627/media/732b5ecf37a72aa810dfedeba3d33ff5_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/27/my-15-year-old-son-hates-going-to-school-and-is-not-doing-any-homework-or-study/","content_elements":[{"_id":"ZANAF4LA4NDJ3FWCX2PAUJHQ4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723521},"content":"<b>Q: My 15-year-old son hates going to school. He was diagnosed with </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adhd/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>ADHD </b></a><b>(attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dyslexia/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>dyslexia </b></a><b>last March.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q7EMHPBLYZHVDFQ7DLNPBEZD74"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"LJWA2ED76JFNPFYMOMWFOTWPYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166661},"content":"<b>He is now in Junior Cert year and is not doing any homework or study. The teachers say he has largely switched off in classes and, of course, he is not doing well in school tests. The formal subjects, such as maths and English, are particularly hard for him – he describes them as really boring and he just blanks them out. He got an Irish exemption because of his dyslexia, which took some of the pressure off. He is slightly better in engineering and woodwork – I think largely because he gets to move about a bit and he gets on with his woodwork teacher.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"MNKFZA5LJNDBXEB4TYWUHL3HII","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723528},"content":"<b>I have tried to push him to do some homework and study at home, but he completely resists this. It has led to a lot of conflict in the past. He says that school is pure drudgery and he can’t bear the thought of taking out books for homework when he needs a break from it all.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"ATOSCBA2SVGTTOD53ZOPXZEKV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166663},"content":"<b>Despite all this, he is a really lovely boy. He can be very droll and funny, and we get on well when I am not on his case about homework. He loves sports, video games and going out with his friends. He plays both soccer and GAA, and looks forward to these.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"T7F6UN5W3BGKFHP2KXUEYNU4DI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166664},"content":"<b>The one thing he likes about school is meeting his friends there. I have met with the school staff and they do provide one hour a week resource teacher, but my son barely remembers this.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"CTI2S3YXH5FGXPTIIRNVGYESZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166665},"content":"<b>I’m not sure what to do with him. Should I just let him continue the way he is? Some of my family say I should be harder on him and not let him play video games or go out until he has done study. but I think this will only make things worse.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMUF6I3SGRFEFGJXRHJOGAWLN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166666},"content":"<b>When I try to talk to him about it all, he just says he hates school and he wants to leave. I try to persuade him to stay, but he is not listening. This makes me worry.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"V6MQ47CE7NAMBNPPI77AT3AJIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723529},"content":"<b>A: </b>Many ADHD and dyslexic children find school challenging. Formal didactic teaching, involving long hours sitting at a desk listening to subjects that don’t interest them, can invoke boredom and cause them to switch off. Children with ADHD often prefer teaching that is interactive and project-based, allows physical experimentation and follows their passions and interests. As a result, they can miss out on learning and underperform in formal school, which can become a stressful experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQNZVTZXFRE4RBSTRU5HSONUZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166669},"content":"Think what it must feel like for your son to be sitting there all day bored and not learning anything – his description of this as “drudgery” describes this well. Over time, this experience damages children’s self-esteem as they receive frequent negative messaging that they are lazy or “unintelligent” – when it is the teaching environment that is not meeting their learning needs. Below are some ideas to move forward.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HKFSEQV5SJC23JJT3BIUBKXPZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723530},"content":"Empathise with your son","type":"header"},{"_id":"5JTHFWLTPNCBDM7NJWSYYIZ2HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723531},"content":"Make sure to empathise with your son. Listen when he talks about challenges at school and say that you understand how difficult it is for him. Praise him for putting in the effort and to attend every day. Talk about his ADHD and dyslexia in an empathetic way that helps him understand himself. The way he learns is different from the ways the subjects are being taught in school. Discuss also the many positives about being ADHD in terms of creativity, innovation, being able to think outside the box and so on.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DK3JUSLY3ZHQDCZYUH7SOAQZIM","additional_properties":{"_id":"TN42A357QNBQLHZY5J2U2AVEDU"},"content":"John Brennan on dyslexia: ‘Society views people on how they’re doing in school’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"XOF6R23VRVA33PC3Y6NYHO5TQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723532},"content":"Look at options","type":"header"},{"_id":"QTDPXLQZ5VB4PBN5AADQCVMKZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723533},"content":"When he says he wants to leave school, rather than arguing back, have an open conversation about his options. What does he want for his life? What work would he like? Take time to explore his strengths and passions both in school (engineering and woodwork) and outside, such as his soccer and GAA, and his ability to make friends – these indicate the things he is good at and even the careers he might follow later (such as teaching sports, working with people, a trade and so on).","type":"text"},{"_id":"HHX4V5EHQJE4FEKEJR2VEFWXPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166674},"content":"Look at the different education options he has after the Junior Cert such as transition year (which may suit him better) or the Leaving Cert Applied to allow him focus on subjects he likes or an apprenticeship in a trade he wishes to explore.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFUGD2ZBURH4PI5762KWUX2MUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723534},"content":"His study plan","type":"header"},{"_id":"LRQAEZYQQFCYRLWWXTWFJN5M4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723535},"content":"Adopt an encouraging and supportive stance around study without over pressuring him. Bear in mind that ADHD and dyslexic children may respond better to creative learning strategies such as quizzes, watching relevant TV documentaries or listening to audiobooks and podcasts. In addition, ADHD children tend to be “crammers” and avoid regular study. Your son could become more motivated just before a school test and then he will accept some help to study. Take an interest in his school schedule so you can see when you might help. Also explore with your son what way he likes to learn.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5X3YW6IUNBHYHPQQWYKMC6MSAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166677},"content":"What does he like about the woodwork teacher? How come he learns better in this class?","type":"text"},{"_id":"62IZY64UQFGEDFB5CU6FKRRCNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723536},"content":"I agree that it is important not to make his video games, socialising and sports dependent on his study, as these are probably the things that are keeping him going and resourcing him. However, you could consider an additional reward (of some extra pocket money or special meal) to motivate him to put some time in close to an exam.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQWUUL2UJVE7LOICKHGXG64FU4","additional_properties":{"_id":"LJF7P433MBASPNNYS77F46HUGY"},"content":"A strengths-based approach to raising autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"MGCGEKIYEREXPCOEKFAEGBFZGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723537},"content":"Work with the school","type":"header"},{"_id":"HGAYYDM5XZATNCRVVPOQGUWWLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723538},"content":"Continue to look for support from the school and teachers. Perhaps you could meet with the resource teacher and the year head to review what might help. Perhaps the psychologist who assessed him could provide a list of recommendations for school and you could review these. Simple practical accommodations might help him such as completing a special programme for his dyslexia, movement breaks, small project work and extra reminders regarding tests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MVCQN63PVBDTDRBQMWQQOVJYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166682},"content":"Outside the school you might be able to find an individual tutor who is experienced with supporting ADHD children and who could give him some one-to-one support.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NP5QKYLVP5DBDJ73OSA3OSCRPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723539},"type":"list"},{"_id":"K7ISGAVDUNB4RGGBKEH5HPKLBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"CPVXOTS6JZEXDL4BG4RB34V7GA"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: ‘I’m not sure what to do with him. 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I was away, coming home. He’s acting out, they’ve got the police at the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WAKSPYK7CZE5PDCFB6TZPP4JPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948502},"content":"Clarkson, whose daughter River also has dyslexia, agreed: “It’s a really hard thing being a parent, especially a parent that doesn’t have dyslexia.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HZH4ARO73JBF7LWZLD7A6F2CT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948503},"content":"“I feel like I’m failing,” said the singer. “You just try to talk to them or help them with homework or whatever, and you don’t really know what’s going on.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KSFT2YZ3RFCV5NDGIO5WHWTHTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948504},"content":"Mullen has produced and written music for Left Behind, a new film about dyslexia and the New York school system. The pair discussed the impact that the film had on Mullen, who said it “hit home” when he first watched it, and that it set into motion his “realising and recognising what I didn’t do, and what I could have done”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKK6P6KMH5FNBERMJF3WUV7LOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948505},"content":"“I’ve spent all my career avoiding talking about my family. I just don’t want to involve them,” Mullen said, “And now, here I am on your show.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PN7DGE32F5AY5NTKO44BIHMALQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948506},"content":"The musician <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/music/2024/12/13/u2s-larry-mullen-on-his-dyscalculia-and-the-bands-touring-plan/#:~:text=U2%20drummer%20Larry%20Mullen%20has%20said%20that%20counting,his%20ability%20to%20use%20and%20acquire%20mathematical%20skills.\" target=\"_blank\">recently revealed</a> that he has dyscalculia, saying that counting bars within music is like “climbing Everest” for him due to his learning difficulty which affects his ability to understand number-based information and maths.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3MEAUYPB2FDZZLS2M3PU64GOCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948507},"content":"He told Times Radio in London: “I’ve always known that there’s something not particularly right with the way that I deal with numbers. I’m numerically challenged. And I realised recently that I have dyscalculia ... so I can’t add, I can’t count.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ella Sloane"}},"name":"Ella Sloane"}]},"description":{"basic":"Drummer discusses raising son with dyslexia during appearance on The Kelly Clarkson Show"},"display_date":"2025-01-24T11:39:18.036Z","headlines":{"basic":"U2′s Larry Mullen: ‘I knew my son was dyslexic, but I really didn’t understand him’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"KWWMOY35XVC4PGPDL5OGFPK7NM","auth":{"1":"9b1b1ab31ea316b0d23865562320d1e2b97aeefe2221fe9c58fa018595ed3d4c"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/KWWMOY35XVC4PGPDL5OGFPK7NM.jpg"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/24/u2s-larry-mullen-i-knew-my-son-was-dyslexic-but-i-really-didnt-understand-him/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"5OQNHWFZBFCLVAOE3AQU6LGRUI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":274,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/01678451-5fe7-4d15-873f-dc3c1beb5042/versions/1737649963/media/692086aab6b2565a9f83a7e33e71b1cc_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/23/a-survival-guide-for-parents-working-from-home-during-storm-eowyn/","content_elements":[{"_id":"47VRH2TTXVBWVIPCUPJLW2X4CY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481336},"content":"I had barely shared the angry red map of Ireland on my social media – and in every WhatsApp group I’m in (and that’s a lot of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/whatsapp/\" target=\"_blank\">WhatsApp </a>groups) – when the private messages started coming in. “What about<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2025/01/23/how-will-storm-eowyn-impact-dublin-what-to-expect-during-met-eireanns-weather-warning/\" target=\"_blank\"> the schools</a>?!” the frantic texts read. The island of Ireland comes under a<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/weather-events/\" target=\"_blank\"> red weather warning </a>on Friday, due to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/storm-eowyn/\" target=\"_blank\">Storm Éowyn</a>, and the nation’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents </a>are seriously unimpressed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6YOI65NSF5FTJJMCW53NH2LJEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481337},"content":"Perhaps it’s residual trauma from pandemic lockdowns. Or the fear of having to reset a password on the school communications app Aladdin. But a deep unease has set in across the country at the prospect of having the kids home from school on Friday. “This is ridiculous. Schools closed again,” one parent wailed. “Well, I’ve no official confirmation from our school yet,” another replied in deluded hope. But my favourite was perhaps the one that reflected the sentiment of many parents as they accepted their fate: “It would want to be some bloody wind”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"P7RD2ATH4BD4DEIZZDQ7WFDN5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481338},"content":"Indeed, it looks like it will be some bloody wind. But we can take solace from being in this together – or some slightly less triggering catchphrase. And we will get through it even as we may slowly lose our minds<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/remote-working/\" target=\"_blank\"> trying to work </a>while our feral children run, not free, but repeatedly, through the double doors between the sittingroom and the diningroom, slamming as they go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMUEIIXNNBF6LJDAVZPENTEFOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481339},"content":"Here are our essential survival tips to help you navigate parenting while you work from home during a red weather warning.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3SCJLMJ7MRCIJKXEWVMDJYWCPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481340},"content":"Let sleeping dogs lie","type":"header"},{"_id":"L5EOTB5KZNHKXPYDMGQO5XHOGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481341},"content":"The same rules apply to children. Especially those of primary school age or under. If, by some miracle, they sleep beyond their usual rising time, let them. There is a small chance their body clocks won’t have recognised the disturbance in the Force, meaning they’ll think it’s a normal school day and will be impossible to get out of bed, unlike the dawn risings of Saturdays and Sundays. Yes, their teachers may have set them work to do at home, but do those same teachers have to spend Friday listening to your children complaining and squabbling? Minimise the number of hours you have to spend listening to this too. Leave them in bed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"443PLRWSP5BPVBUQBBWGC2KNNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481342},"content":"Take no chances","type":"header"},{"_id":"QMSVGSJ4HRDY5DJKZKTY43LTDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481343},"content":"So, apparently we can’t even let them go out on the trampoline during the red weather warning. But the upside is we can’t be judged for the amount of time they spend on screens for the duration. The problem is power outages are anticipated.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XAEKPLBP65D57K5Y2JI7CPNRWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481344},"content":"A world where you’re expected to get on with your job, but your child’s tablet/hand-held games console is out of battery is just too awful for most of us to contemplate. So don’t get caught short. Download some movies. Charge every single device you own. And your portable chargers. You have no idea how desperate you might become.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RCFDK5RKMJHSXNOB5MEFDULBDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481345},"content":"Loaves and fishes","type":"header"},{"_id":"244QRE6Q7BCATPVGN5DVJPKOI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481346},"content":"It’s important to remember that in school, your child has both a lunch break and a little break each day, during which they likely eat very little to none of the lunch you lovingly prepared for them. Transfer that logic to the home environment and it translates into needing about 256 snacks per child on Friday. Double, if you have teenage boys. These are not insignificant quantities and if you haven’t already stocked up in anticipation, you should probably panic buy lots now. But shop smart. Consider snacks that they can prepare independently, and will go as far as possible, so that you are interrupted while you work, as few times as possible. This is a national emergency, so crisps count.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4SS3R424JREFNDZVEKFV6QQQ5A","additional_properties":{"_id":"G67IF6IPS5DDLDW7QTVODMJUCA"},"content":"10 great films to watch if you’re stuck indoors","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TZRDZAPDJJDI5CV4ZUHJJUR3YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481347},"content":"Hide all lightsabres, Nerf Guns and wands","type":"header"},{"_id":"G5IJGUINNZCAJM4JGB7AJEY5HY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481348},"content":"Especially before online meetings. It’s cute when a child wanders into a room, all smiles, during her father’s live broadcast on the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/bbc/\" target=\"_blank\">BBC</a>. Less cute when warring siblings come in mid Zoom swearing vengeance on each other, and they’re armed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YFCWING2SNGAVE4SSHBPS6GZHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"SBSSBPEEPRBLLEZWRU542HBQDA"},"content":"Working through Storm Éowyn: Safety ‘has to prevail’ for business managers and staff","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"C7GAAQJKTZDBZPK3NWGXUHWZM4","additional_properties":{"_id":"ZRZNFGYOPZA7XKGATJO2Q3YVDI"},"content":"Ireland weather updates: Storm Éowyn red alert extended to full island of Ireland with public transport cancelled on Friday","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"WFNDQ2U4SFBBJMUAPGPLNAFGTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481349},"content":"Bribery","type":"header"},{"_id":"3KAT5KTOXJAOZAFHSIGCYFQJZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481350},"content":"The secret to good parenting. Promise to do something nice together such as play pool, football, unicorns, a board game, go to the park, recover the trampoline from your neighbour’s garden/motorway, a trip to Disneyland, whatever, if Johnny or Mary could just stop rowing/complaining/looking for food long enough to let you get some work done so your boss doesn’t think you’re taking the proverbial.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BY2GVQSP2RHS3ISO7GZEIKRLXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737655679694},"content":"And finally","type":"header"},{"_id":"Q4AGBOCCIZD5POQBTI4HFOQWQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737655679695},"content":"After a day in the work-from-home-while-the-kids are-trapped-indoors trenches it’s only right that you get to treat yourself. So, presuming you paid close attention to tip two, or still have power, why not relax and spoil yourself watching some <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/film/2025/01/07/10-great-films-to-watch-if-youre-stuck-indoors/\" target=\"_blank\">these recommended movies</a>? Or have a <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/books/2025/01/11/15-brilliant-short-books-to-get-you-back-in-the-habit-of-reading/\" target=\"_blank\">read of these short books</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6MEGQXXHPBAXPK4GP52CJ6EKKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481351},"content":"Godspeed.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Our six top tips to help you navigate your children at home for the day while you are remote working"},"display_date":"2025-01-23T16:27:37.782Z","headlines":{"basic":"Storm Éowyn red warning: A survival guide for parents working from home during the bad weather","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"HRGK7OHBSVBQZBCVT2HK5OYNLY","auth":{"1":"151682e68653f15c8054a2ad9cf554046c58ed4644101a7444cda823beccd387"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/HRGK7OHBSVBQZBCVT2HK5OYNLY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/23/a-survival-guide-for-parents-working-from-home-during-storm-eowyn/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"PNWYBZ2IORCSTC37DFOQBTCZRE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":284,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/f41f8cc9-df74-4552-a2de-5f6ae1afa7c8/versions/1737045991/media/4772a582f02c4fde86e5d2e17327063b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/20/ive-seen-all-sorts-of-kids-coaches-the-good-the-bad-and-the-downright-hes-lost-the-plot/","content_elements":[{"_id":"NPU4YMGCNNHUBOGHID3KI2MEGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393513},"content":"I’ve said out loud in my kitchen, a few times, that I’d like to get involved in coaching one of my kids’ teams one day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"3HBAR3PS2FHTRK5UIP32PF6PZI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"E4LZCST2LBESXFHCKKHFB6KHPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836448},"content":"Because saying it out loud is like testing the water here – either a passing child, or husband, is likely to offer a take on what you’ve just said. Or ignore it altogether and view it as just your most recent whim deserving of as much attention as that time you thought you’d go on the stepper in front of Classic EastEnders for the duration of an entire episode every day, which was going to be long enough to get your daily steps in, totally underestimating how much it would make your thighs burn. Plus, turns out it’s boring after a few minutes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7D6BHAA55ZAYFHE6CJ7HXMVQJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836449},"content":"So, now I need a new fitness regime. Anyway.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E646SJMS2JD6HHLTLJDKMOI6YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393514},"content":"This desire to get involved in coaching the kids has been around for a while. Years of being on one pitch sideline or another means I’ve seen all sorts – the good, the bad and the downright he’s-lost-the-plot coaches. And I’ve promised myself, once I no longer needed to run from one pitch or activity to another, with one or other of the kids, I will. That day has not yet come, though I explain to himself and with him already being a coach, and us having millions of kids, the juggle would be impossible I say, so it’ll have to wait a bit longer, I think.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DAS2I7LTVBSDH4PIKKFQE7MEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393515},"content":"But didn’t it only come to pass some weeks back that a message went out in one of the WhatsApp groups saying they were a bit short on coaches’ availability one particular weekend and any parental help would be much appreciated. “There’s your chance now to volunteer, Jen,” I thought before dismissing the idea out of hand and convincing myself, for no good reason, they really only meant the dads.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TAQHFULLJ5AYFJXCYZ3N36EGEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836452},"content":"Was I, the woman who is not at all shy about offering her opinion on children’s sports and the things that need to change, suddenly feeling a bit shy about helping out at coaching? It seemed I was a bit, but just because it really only ever seemed to be the dads who coached.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GHMPTXDJIVEC7D6QFXF3CNENWM","additional_properties":{"_id":"YAHLNM5BABFXFBNBGOV3YUOAWI"},"content":"Jen Hogan: It’s a pity so many adults ruin sports for children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"2FCKMVEJUJHPNB7KPA7K5TRYWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393516},"content":"Seems visibility mattered in that moment, even to this sports-loving adult. So, you can be pretty certain it matters to sports playing girls too. And as I chatted with former Munster and Ireland international Keith Earls recently, it’s something he’s conscious of, especially with three daughters.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STXSM5GFOBD5NKPCGXTTRUJREI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393517},"content":"Keith’s three daughters play GAA and soccer. Of course they do, we all might think. Sure, isn’t their dad a sporting superstar. Except he wasn’t the only driver in getting them very involved in sports. His wife, Edel, who played camogie with Limerick underage, and soccer in school, was also very keen their daughters played sports.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFR4ZUSVNZG75EQ4XDS7YTAAAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393518},"content":"Women’s sports still has a lot of catching up to do to get to where men’s sports are, Keith feels, “but when you think of all the girls that are playing sports now, you’d imagine that when they get older and they start having kids, they’re going to be sporty,” he says. Time will help, he reckons, because “girls’ sport is getting popular now and it’s getting lots of coverage, which means more girls will be into sport”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SUAOVPNINREPJKF7WJITAQWCFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393519},"content":"The time aspect is something I can see coming good in the future, here too. Because perception is everything. I couldn’t convince my daughter to have the same grá for sport I had growing up, unfortunately, but her little brothers love it and they see no difference between boys and girls playing. They’re as likely to get behind the women’s international teams as the men’s, and see no difference in playing football with their girl cousins or their boy cousins. Sport is for everyone in their eyes, and fun to play with everyone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KM7GDH3MZNGYZIHD67WU3WFPSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836457},"content":"The difference is their exposure.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QKOXKESMNCJHB6Y7AHY2BYXVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393520},"content":"My bedroom wall, growing up, was covered in posters of the Irish and Liverpool football teams – the men’s of course. Keith is conscious that his daughters need female role models. “Everyone talks about Ronaldo and Messi,” he says, “but my little girl has Katie McCabe above her bed”. She’s “a realistic goal for my daughter”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JC6QSRXO6RHM3IE5PYXJCVKPR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393521},"content":"And it matters that we have this visibility, as a recent study revealed that 43 per cent of people feel that not knowing anyone who is playing is a barrier to attending a female sports event.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ENELLHBTJCW7BJYS2WNFW4QCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393522},"content":"“It’s great to see female coaches as well. Some females know more than the bloody men,” Keith continued as we chatted about how to change things. He’d touched a nerve without realising.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5I5NPVJ56FB3BDZIOFKTASNP5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836461},"content":"He’s right though, because we all know a woman’s place is on the sports pitch, and in the coaches’ group.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Jen Hogan: I convinced myself, for no good reason, that the request for help in a WhatsApp group was really only meant for the dads"},"display_date":"2025-01-20T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"I’ve seen all sorts of kids’ coaches – the good, the bad and the downright he’s-lost-the-plot","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"BCFJH5GVTDXOP6KIYRIOH3OOTY","auth":{"1":"37e2834528d7cb136a11ad177e14ccc431b65194d878cb88478929d4b9539e2d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/BCFJH5GVTDXOP6KIYRIOH3OOTY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/20/ive-seen-all-sorts-of-kids-coaches-the-good-the-bad-and-the-downright-hes-lost-the-plot/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"TICQKSAU5JA27EAQHVAXMHUZX4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":143,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/799e15a9-b481-4058-b887-5c92dc75f4fa/versions/1736763116/media/b259cebc2dffce1ee9be158e8f09f19f_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/have-your-say-have-childcare-costs-impacted-your-employment/","content_elements":[{"_id":"BA6A66DLTBBMPGTKTAZZY36VEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546292},"content":"The high cost of childcare and lack of capacity for children continue to cause difficulties for parents around the country, with many struggling to juggle work and family life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQZHDZP6HFDP7EWMPYCHBNVX4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291489},"content":"This morning, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/business/2025/01/13/childcare-crisis-is-forcing-employees-out-of-the-workforce-says-dublin-chamber/\" target=\"_blank\">Laura Slattery reports</a> that almost nine in 10 businesses told an outlook survey conducted by Dublin Chamber of Commerce that the childcare crisis affected their ability to attract and retain staff, with a fifth of all companies describing it as the primary barrier to doing so.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKGNMF3YQZA4TFGTKXMEA7JV4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291490},"content":"The prohibitive cost and limited availability of childcare places is among the most pressing issues for businesses in the capital, Dublin Chamber said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YN4GVEL35FER7JRAX2JHTUG7TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546293},"content":"We’d like to hear what you think and what your experience has been. Have you had to change your work situation because of childcare difficulties? Has your employer been open to hybrid working or other arrangements to facilitate childcare? Have you decided to leave your job altogether to be a stay-at-home parent?","type":"text"},{"_id":"46675WNGERFM3KIHDI5RBSBE6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291492},"content":"According to the OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development), Ireland ranks second highest in Europe in relation to childcare costs as a share of average wages. In Dublin the cost of childcare is higher than the national average – 10 per cent higher than Cork and 50 per cent higher than Limerick.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YSVHABEKKFDMJK6VMCGMJYHCGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291493},"content":"All the main political parties made pledges on childcare in advance of the general election. Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael were among the five parties to promise that they would cap childcare costs at €200 per month per child. However, as government formation talks continue, it is unclear when this might happen, while creche owners have warned that such a cap would force many childcare facilities to close.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TY5AMMGGCVC3VN4JTFPFO5HCUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546294},"content":"Are you struggling to afford childcare? Do you think a €200 per month per child cap would be enough or should the new government go further?","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMJHZ25ABJDATKB7OAJNIPPC6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546296},"content":"You can let us know what you think using the form below. Please limit your submissions to 400 words or less. Please include a phone number for verification purposes only. If you would prefer to remain anonymous, please indicate this in your submission – we will keep your name and contact details confidential.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4KL3SYQI5DJPBFRZTLAYX4EPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546297},"content":"We will curate a selection of submissions for an article but please note we may not publish every submission we receive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TI3UYXTHGNC5RACBJJ2R52OFUI","additional_properties":{"_id":"LLJ322YZFJH2VJBE5AT6QX4QCI"},"content":"<span class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"0774609b-867c-4825-8dd0-b9aae8beb5c0\" data-display=\"inline\"></span><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"free"},"credits":{"by":[]},"description":{"basic":"Dublin Chamber of Commerce has warned that the high cost of childcare has damaged the ability of companies to recruit staff and is driving employees, especially women, out of the workforce"},"display_date":"2025-01-13T10:06:41.78Z","headlines":{"basic":"Have your say: Have childcare costs impacted your employment?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"4GBDJAUP3VHIHDFPAGR7AAQVKI","auth":{"1":"9a586c28754b0ae62ab1b4bd622e273b81e484cf9729544772cbbf6d721b33f7"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/4GBDJAUP3VHIHDFPAGR7AAQVKI.png"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Your Money"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/have-your-say-have-childcare-costs-impacted-your-employment/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"75R2BZOARFB4FMAFLFYTWZSGBY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":318,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/1cb9b268-dc29-4c28-af23-8428ad87a829/versions/1736254836/media/f77c81801c4403e896570b3c0fb67353_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/my-17-year-old-says-the-panic-just-takes-him-over-and-sometimes-he-cant-go-into-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"7WCXBEJ3CJET7KTHDLLJJHEASU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209474},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"MKEAWIRY5FDLRP7IOKIBU7PWJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639907},"content":"<b>My 17-year-old son is in fifth year in school and says that he feels panicked at times – to the point that he cannot go into the school building (despite getting ready and walking there).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"AOKHHV5F3FEFBOB6HVXJWKO3ME"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"QS7J6Q55FFE7XJ53SR2EQJYCCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639908},"content":"<b>Sometimes, he feels panicked when in the school and feels he has to leave. We want to support him as best as we can, but we also want him to stay in school. How do we ensure we get the balance right?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"G63FRIQC2JCMHGROV25VC2Q25A","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639909},"content":"<b>He seems to be motivated to get to school, but he is not able to say much about what makes it so hard – he just says that the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go in.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XEQEJMRF5RA6LC5UOFODZUWDKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639910},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"5375RTSB7JADFAOYAUNWBDKO24","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209475},"content":"Many teenagers find it hard to attend school and can experience intense anxiety or panic that prevents them from attending or makes them want to leave when they are there. There can be many different reasons for this and, in thinking how to help your son, it is important to build a detailed picture of what is specifically going on for him. Some children might be panicked by the demands of the course work or the social pressures in school or the sensory environment. Some might find aspects of the school routine stressful, whether this is unstructured breaktimes, moving between classes, demands to speak out in class or to sit quietly for long periods.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZN4XJ4CEMRAONHRYAJRMO6HFGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639912},"content":"Sit down with your son and encourage him to talk about what is going on for him. Ask him how the panic builds as he approaches the school. What thoughts go through his mind? What triggers the panic when he is in school?","type":"text"},{"_id":"2A3Y7ULFCRGL3LPZ2YBU2GBLHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209476},"content":"Many teenagers find it hard to articulate what is going on for them – they may just feel a panic and not know what is at the basis of this. These teenagers might need plenty of time and several conversations to express themselves. When talking to teens, I find it useful to provide a checklist of options to help start the conversation. For example, I might ask them to complete the sentence, “when I think of going to school, I feel ….” and ask them to rate options such as “under pressure about school work”, “the break time is stressful”, “I don’t know what to say to friends”, “the teachers don’t like me”, “it’s too exhausting”, etc. before asking them to describe their own experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5Y5LP5YFQZF6DHAPUTOFPU7UWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209477},"content":"With panic, it can be useful to help a teenager understand how it builds physically in his body. For example, you can ask them to complete the sentence “when I start to feel panic, I notice ...” with prompts such as “my palms feels sweaty”, “my heart beats faster”, “my neck feels stiff”, “my tummy feels sick,” etc. so they can understand more what is going on for them","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q6QTZGUQPRCVBOY5UIQALBTYSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209478},"content":"Finding solutions","type":"header"},{"_id":"UZ3UGHW5FFBVFML6AJ5OGXNKSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209479},"content":"When exploring things that might help, it is important to first identify what is already working. For example, you might ask: “On the days you do get to school, how do you manage the panic? What is different then?” Or you can ask what supports help him with school and what does he enjoy once he is there. It is important to negotiate with the school to agree an individual plan to help him. Schools are getting better at understanding school panic and avoidance and they might have a school counsellor or other resource and special education teachers who can help.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XSZRWGSWVGY7BHEQQFW4EXI7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261177},"content":"Depending on your son’s needs, some of the school accommodations that might help are","type":"text"},{"_id":"54PABPYNZNGJZNCLO7M734NL3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261178},"content":"1) having a pass that allows him to take a break from a class when he feels panicky","type":"text"},{"_id":"AW5SJVQALVGFTEX4AQ5UXA6NLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261179},"content":"2) having a place in the school for a break, such as the library, a prayer room or a counsellor’s office","type":"text"},{"_id":"FUQ5A755VNFLNANTYX5FJKCPTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261180},"content":"3) identifying a person in the school he can meet for support","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDHJ5BHKIRGDBIO37BD2GMHNCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261181},"content":"4) being allowed to arrive late (with notice) and having a reduced schedule if a full day is too stressful.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HNIO6HLVKFAYTMFWKRPP4ZWYQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261182},"content":"The ideal is to negotiate a plan for your son with the year head and support staff so that it can be reviewed regularly to check it is working.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BDW4UDP2QJHYJBLN3SN2NWCQWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209480},"content":"Whatever plan is agreed needs to be negotiated carefully with your son and all “what ifs” explored with him so he is on board. For example, many teenagers on special attendance plans feel embarrassed about what to say to peers (and as result may avoid school altogether). In these instances it is important to rehearse with your son about how he will explain this to classmates. Rather than going into too many details a simple story such as “sometimes I feel sick and need to take a break” or “I have lots of medical appointments outside school” can be sufficient.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JHC6DEQR3JBWTKWYNRHBAA7ANU","additional_properties":{"_id":"6FQKOMEJAVAZDPEIKHHNX4KPBQ"},"content":"‘The level of anxiety we’re facing in schools is unprecedented’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IPRJDJF3GRDOVG3DBNXJWI26EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209481},"content":"Planning for alternatives","type":"header"},{"_id":"ADEZ4OB3RZG6LIDV5GSILM2FVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209482},"content":"Whereas some children feel better when they overcome their panic and attend school, some simply find the school environment inherently stressful and continuing to attend can wear them out or place them on the road to burnout. In these instances it can be better to plan a reduced schedule or some time off and/or look at alternatives. At 17, it could be that your son might study better at home for some subjects or with support from an individual tutor or an online class. While there might be a lot of pressure to attend school for the full day, it may work better for your son to have a reduced schedule and to plan other parallel options that work better for him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XIOQNLYR6JDN7MBFOYTTCUIORY","additional_properties":{"_id":"2BOQEEVI5JHHNDNJQJSPYN6Z2I"},"content":"‘We felt like failures. It broke us’: When your child stops attending school out of fear","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"UJCMERBPXZEGPA7RVQMPYEDR7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209483},"content":"For more support, there are some good parent Facebook groups such as School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties in Ireland and Not Fine in School in the UK, as well as some useful <a href=\"https://www.cypsc.ie/resources/emotionally-based-school-avoidance-school-refusal-resources.3635.html\">resource packs for parents and teachers</a> published by <a href=\"http://cypsc.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">cypsc.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XRT73I4WRFF4LFK6CHR2ZNUOCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209484},"type":"list"},{"_id":"GV4Y2OHHT5FQ7NXSRUJBUHSTXI","additional_properties":{"_id":"AXXUGL7HKVDQJDX5QOG5W2VP7U"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"We want to support him as best as we can, but we also want him to stay in school"},"display_date":"2025-01-13T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My 17-year-old says the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go into school’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"XZAEDS5A6RFX5GLMHGENSL4EJY","auth":{"1":"53102f938365aabc14eaccd4cfb632e1a0e2fb3b0f2316bc7f19d1b473445962"},"focal_point":{"x":1378,"y":665},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/XZAEDS5A6RFX5GLMHGENSL4EJY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/my-17-year-old-says-the-panic-just-takes-him-over-and-sometimes-he-cant-go-into-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"P44VXZIK3FBEBGWOZACKBYVVPA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":162,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/2cad8bb8-2297-4d77-bc46-f6ee7b556d52/versions/1736509368/media/da2024d104366730ba435b8809b44f0b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/10/have-your-say-are-hot-school-meals-too-ultra-processed-or-a-nutritious-boost-for-children/","content_elements":[{"_id":"JWF66C3NVZD5PEIOOIQNXEEBPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770495},"content":"Do your children avail of the hot school meals scheme or will their school be added in this year’s expansion? What is your experience of it?","type":"text"},{"_id":"FSDQPKBZ5BFRLKVP4RBAFFFZUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770496},"content":"Is it a move towards stamping out food poverty or does it mean children get used to eating ultra-processed foods? Are you happy with the food offered in your child’s school?","type":"text"},{"_id":"3EXMCSPDEVB2FGTT43AQZHBJP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770497},"content":"There was strong engagement on an<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/2025/01/09/hot-school-meals-scheme-a-progressive-government-policy-set-to-put-childrens-health-at-risk/\" target=\"_blank\"> interview on the topic with UCC food policy lecturer Ruth Hegarty this week</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PACKINCC7FGXBAHMRBX7PSLNDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770498},"content":"She says much of the food being delivered through the scheme is loaded with ultra-processed foods (UPFs), now known to cause a range of serious and life-threatening diseases.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6BPORG552ZFLBMSMABQIE2HWSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770499},"content":"“One of the meals I looked at was chicken curry and rice. There were around 75 ingredients. These include processing aids and additives like sodium citrate, dextrose, xylitol, maltodextrin and modified starch,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LBJJ3ON7YVBVDBFAXIYF3TIFZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770500},"content":"“What’s really terrifying is that we are now institutionalising consumption of ultra-processed foods. With the roll-out of this scheme to every primary school.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L5BURMVQTFHRFCA4TT532RBIZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770501},"content":"“There is a nutrition standard for hot school meals provided by the Government, but there is no oversight of this. Tendering is left to the free market, and schools are expected to ensure the standard is met,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XK3WYD2BXJFH3LLU5LHSCU6G3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770502},"content":"Are you concerned that the scheme could see children eating more ultra-processed foods? Or are you delighted to see them getting a nutritious hot school meal? Do you have concerns about the implementation of the scheme? Or do you think parents should be grateful to get it? Or are you a teacher, what is the impact in school? ·We’d like to hear what you think.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKONKEXFYFACBCOWJ6X72MQVZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770503},"content":"In <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/budget/\">Budget 2025</a> the<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/education/2024/10/03/chicken-curry-is-very-popular-what-to-expect-on-school-menus-as-free-scheme-is-extended/\" target=\"_blank\"> Government announced there would be an extension of the free hot school meals programme</a> to include all 3,000-plus primary schools from this year, up from the current 2,200 that are eligible for the scheme.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBJKIUXPXZFXPEYBLXQGJD2JM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770504},"content":"The aim of the scheme is to “provide regular, nutritious food to children to support them in taking full advantage of the education provided to them”, according to the Minister for Social Protection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMJHZ25ABJDATKB7OAJNIPPC6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736507843832},"content":"You can let us know what you think using the form below. Please limit your submissions to 400 words or less. Please include a phone number for verification purposes only. If you would prefer to remain anonymous, please indicate this in your submission – we will keep your name and contact details confidential.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4KL3SYQI5DJPBFRZTLAYX4EPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736507843833},"content":"We will curate a selection of submissions for an article but please note we may not publish every submission we receive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLX75YAM4BANTFMRXNGTPWTCFM","additional_properties":{"_id":"SONJQV3R6BBNJNAL5T6IBZQYHI"},"content":"<span class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"0ff8f6c5-9328-46b5-9887-5f9534145207\" data-display=\"inline\"></span><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"free"},"credits":{"by":[]},"description":{"basic":"Ruth Hegarty says much of the food being delivered through the scheme is loaded with ultra-processed foods (UPFs)"},"display_date":"2025-01-10T11:37:41.45Z","headlines":{"basic":"Have your say: Are hot school meals too ultra-processed or a nutritious boost for children? ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"2G7QA5M7QNCTXNADCPYYI6M7IM","auth":{"1":"e1bb406e20635dcc3880b83b96d79b5bbd5a0182a6e14d50080273119c1f6f34"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/2G7QA5M7QNCTXNADCPYYI6M7IM.png"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Ireland"},{"name":"Education"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/10/have-your-say-are-hot-school-meals-too-ultra-processed-or-a-nutritious-boost-for-children/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"5HW3HG65LVEXNCXSELQCWWJBUA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":457,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/657e10dc-87bd-44fc-a6e8-aa3696e8f318/versions/1736250326/media/8f61edb9897793587110a66d47982f54_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/08/be-selfish-in-the-bedroom-sex-therapists-on-how-to-reboot-your-love-life/","content_elements":[{"_id":"HTR3AXYGJZAJ3AC5ZCWW52NF3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005009},"content":"Traditional<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/new-year/\" target=\"_blank\"> new year’s</a> <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/health-month/\" target=\"_blank\">health </a>resolutions can feel punishing: eat better, drink less, hit the gym. Worthy goals ... but also, kind of a drag.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"IOZXE5JVZVHNPPCXTIJWP7CNNQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"DO2IA7KEQNFKPEIUBXGF2RFTJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736515043670},"content":"The good news? Relationships have a big effect on health and happiness, too. So in 2025, why not focus on a different <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/\" target=\"_blank\">wellness </a>goal: give your romantic life a little TLC.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWTDD6Q6DJDQFJSFYMC2TYOQCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005011},"content":"We asked couples counsellors, sex therapists and relationship researchers a simple question: what is one resolution you recommend for couples looking to experience greater connection and intimacy in the coming year?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MESMU4QB5RFSJNEH4QMHAA6PRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005012},"content":"1. Cultivate curiosity","type":"header"},{"_id":"CGP2Q65ED5BALMNZGPSVPXAA2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005013},"content":"Approaching your partner with a sense of curiosity can help you learn new things about who they are – and open up conversations you’ve never had before – even if you’ve been together for years, says Justin Garcia, executive director at the Kinsey Institute, the sexuality and relationships research centre at Indiana University in the US.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D3UNO6RQNFDQ5HMYXL4MCZ2TZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005014},"content":"“Curiosity is a powerful, powerful tonic – that we should all invest in more,” Garcia says. It sends an irresistible message: I am interested in you.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFZ4XZLNKJEGDJS4IT7ELQZ42M","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005015},"content":"One simple way to foster a more curious mindset within your relationship is to ask your partner something new every week or so, he suggests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HIQ6L5TVFRF6FLQJ3VHAALE7WQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005016},"content":"The question could be a deep and revealing one about their past or an intimate fantasy. Or it might be something totally mundane: Garcia’s wife recently asked why he dislikes mushrooms, which led to a conversation about his childhood. Afterward, they tried cooking new recipes together, and he discovered he actually likes morels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2SZ43F4Z45EV7DHJ22JMCVRPUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005017},"content":"Your partner may not reciprocate your curiosity at first, but try not to keep score (which is another good relationship resolution), Garcia says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2KZ6NH2HZE63BJE3JLZ4VUT6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005018},"content":"2. Make bids for connection","type":"header"},{"_id":"YFD2TOCOEBHC5GYOEIM7LJLYZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005019},"content":"A bid for connection – a term coined by marriage researchers Jon and Julie Gottman – is basically anything a person does to try to engage with their partner, explains Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has trained in the Gottman method.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JWCTRA2QZJHHZJAQROCMISON5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005020},"content":"Bids tend to fall into a few different categories, she says: the obvious “play with me, spend time with me”-type bids (like when a partner asks to cuddle). There are also “information-sharing bids” (maybe your partner mentions an interesting article or warns you there is traffic before you commute to work). And then there are requests for help or comfort.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3N5FIW4CSNBV5FBOY4423ITP2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005021},"content":"“Crying is even a bid if you do it in front of somebody,” Earnshaw says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IVGLOCDNMZD7JGVSNTJNNLSM54","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005022},"content":"In the healthiest relationships, partners make and acknowledge each other’s bids often, Earnshaw explains.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7IMSVOOGUBDG7GKOJQSOPURHHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005023},"content":"Your goal for the new year? Reach out to your partner more often than you did in 2024, or respond to your partner’s bids for connection more positively than you did last year, she recommends.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XZWUQHUOVGKHAPMMBD3NHXD34","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005024},"content":"And what if your bids are constantly ignored or rejected? “You take this information from your partner, and decide what to do with it,” Earnshaw says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3OFDJEEA5VA3HHRBG56JFA6SHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005025},"content":"3. Be selfish in the bedroom","type":"header"},{"_id":"WD5UBENVEJAIXJY6V6T3VJHBBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005026},"content":"Yes, really.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GHFRR56JQNDWFIPQVGDR6OHGGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005027},"content":"“What’s in it for you?” Lori Brotto often asks clients with sex and intimacy issues at her counselling practice. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia, likes to dig in: what do you get out of being intimate, or what would you like to get? Do you want sex to feel fun? Relaxing? What emotions or physical sensations might you enjoy? she asks clients.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OD65WEMKBFGO5J2K5YCKZNVNLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005028},"content":"In Brotto’s experience, people can get too caught up in what they think they should (or should not) want in bed, based on societal messages or because they are overly focused on their partner. That makes it challenging to show up in an “authentic way” during intimacy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKO2WTCEWJB5ZHLWYYDTJRN2YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005029},"content":"You can’t communicate your desires and needs if you haven’t spent any time understanding what they are, Brotto says. So go ahead: “Be a little bit more selfish.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLLMVA3MKNA3XIN34WUGDRL27Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005030},"content":"4. Let go of the idea that there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to have sex","type":"header"},{"_id":"HNSGXEFUL5A7ZMQGU2BDG4U6P4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005031},"content":"“There is no ‘normal’ sex,” says Lexx Brown-James, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors and Therapists. Brown-James likes to compare sex to pizza: you get to decide the toppings. You get to decide how many slices you want. For instance, “foreplay can be sex”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDMCMUI3UFFQFGFD6ZWFFX5RYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005032},"content":"Candice Nicole Hargons, an associate professor in behavioural, social and health education sciences at Emory University, recommends an even more specific resolution: in 2025, “prioritise sex that isn’t penetrative”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BJ4IVP545JGSVNTH7PWL6MIF3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005033},"content":"Why? For one, most women require some form of clitoral stimulation to orgasm, Hargons says. (She notes that non-penetrative sex is the norm in many queer relationships). Also, mixing things up brings a sense of novelty, she adds.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWML6XWWNZEDVHX74L7CYBDKIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005034},"content":"“You don’t say it as, ‘Let’s not have this type of sex,’” she explains. “It’s: ‘Let’s add this.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZP3ZRHSNVE5VDMIOEGKQYP3AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005035},"content":"Of course, talking about sex can be difficult. Hargons recommends a good conversation starter: “I’d love to have more variety in our sex life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K3XGA4P72ZHO3MZNPM7AGQSDHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005036},"content":"5. Commit to joy","type":"header"},{"_id":"RITXBNXDXREJ5AEBHSFMAJUHNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005037},"content":"In long-term relationships, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of finding moments for connection and fun, says Howard Markman, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5MN6Z32TLNDORC4NDINZ2C62IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005038},"content":"Stumped about where to start? Once a month or so, sit down with your partner and jot down three things each of you would like to do together, he recommends. Attend a sporting event? Institute a movie night? Tackle a creative project? Then swap lists. Take one item from your partner’s list (and vice versa) and commit to helping make it happen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KAK3AX356NCIJJAF7EC74U3XGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005039},"content":"“You’re taking coequal responsibility for planning this activity that is going to enhance the fun, the friendship, the sensuality – all the positive connections,” Markman says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EZO3AHJAWNCHBFLADRPNM26XNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005040},"content":"6. Don’t let resentments fester","type":"header"},{"_id":"3P2XJ26PPVH2HHXLGNOX77747U","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005041},"content":"One of the paradoxes of “vibrant relationships” is that you have to be willing to rock the boat, says Terrence Real, a family therapist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GY4THLVG2BAKTOMZNZWIYDYUL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005042},"content":"So, bringing up resentments or gripes, even if it starts a fight, can be healthy. Another way to put it, he says: “Dare to take each other on.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBALBBSZFRHRJMQXKJPJZPY424","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005043},"content":"When partners stop fighting for their deepest needs, “passion is the first casualty”, Real warns. “Resentment grows. Sexuality and generosity decrease.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3BBDDRCECVHOBHGXOSCIMN4XVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005044},"content":"He acknowledges that this resolution requires strong communication skills. It is generally more effective to request a change, rather than to complain about what you don’t like, Real says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MF7BGT5FSZFFHKYJKFDEDKSQJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005045},"content":"If your bids for communication fail, he adds, don’t give up: “Drag your partner to therapy and find an active therapist who isn’t afraid to back you up.” – This article originally appeared in <a href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/01/well/family/relationship-advice-resolutions-2025-new-year.html\">the New York Times</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"name":"Catherine Pearson"}]},"description":{"basic":"Six relationship resolutions for the new year from couples counsellors, sex therapists and relationship researchers"},"display_date":"2025-01-08T05:14:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Be selfish in the bedroom: sex therapists on how to reboot your love life","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GCDC746EPNF6PN4LMGF32NQULU","auth":{"1":"0f1888d44c6ef1c39b0d58e8a7fe5a1eca5c27d9c7ba907e254d0e7698df779c"},"focal_point":{"x":1815,"y":765},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GCDC746EPNF6PN4LMGF32NQULU.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Your Wellness"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/08/be-selfish-in-the-bedroom-sex-therapists-on-how-to-reboot-your-love-life/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"2IIVU5KTUNDXDH7D5ZYZQRQBKE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":314,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d9ce9ed4-ba69-4b3c-9a20-a76519f05d26/versions/1732025856/media/e2b6aae3dfbc8ddbeaab27bdc5fc28c8_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/06/here-i-am-a-grown-adult-who-struggles-to-keep-my-tears-at-bay/","content_elements":[{"_id":"WQBDI4ZRQVF5FM5BLXOWMSMZZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574341},"content":"I’m a crier. I always have been. <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">Since birth</a>, apparently. My father delights in telling me the story of one particular time when I was in hospital as a baby. “Even the nuns wanted to hand you back,” he says gleefully, teasing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"6OBUK4OHVZHEPLUVPBCOR474QA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"AD6ASHQBPJDZ3FJFULMK7JV2XE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118936},"content":"“Morning, noon and night you cried, Jennifer.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFTGVXAAORAJBGIRPKQPQBOVDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118937},"content":"In case I was in any doubt.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KJAG6PVJZFVJHHPFTYFT5LMNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118938},"content":"And I really shouldn’t be. Because I have aunts who’ll back up the tales of my tearful tendencies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DO66G2C7XJFQPONEU4EXWK5K4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574342},"content":"I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with this information. I’ve little recollection of the hospital occasion in question, on account of only being a few months old at the time. So, I can’t even be sure what was bothering me to justify my stance. And I feel I should probably be excused because of my tender lack of years. But I think a tear-filled infancy may have left lasting scars on my parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SRGJHHKIRNFAVNZDBNOMHDB4YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574343},"content":"You know, the kind that you might acquire when you’re the parent of teenagers. And you find yourself looking at them, during one of those particularly head-melting moments, silently thinking, “I cannot wait until you’re parenting a version of yourself, Bucko. I am so going to enjoy that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YYV4FZLRTVCRLI7X64SXPWA43Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118941},"content":"But this too shall pass we’re told.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XA67QMSNHNABRKOCIVGMFN3YVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574344},"content":"Still, I wouldn’t like to claim that my parents enjoyed it when I gave birth to seven non-sleepers. Though, “they take after their mother”, may have been pointed out through muffled laughter — repeatedly. But maybe, just maybe, it momentarily crossed their minds that it was good I was getting some insight into what it was like to try to be a functioning adult in society, on little to no sleep. The sort of insight I may have, in turn, helped give them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PZGD7D4NVBAPJIGMRXOR2LPGUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574345},"content":"Anyway, here I am now, a fully grown sleep-resisting, or at least sleep-resenting adult — because really, needing to sleep is an incredibly boring inconvenience. It turns out, you don’t completely outgrow everything.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HCACO77Z5NHKDC5AMBZWEFOROM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574346},"content":"And look, it’s even a helpful attribute on occasion, in this crazy, busy, life, allowing me to get work, laundry and telly watching done, says she trying to block out all the well-documented health advice about the danger of lack of zzzzs. I should clarify, it’s not that I can’t sleep, it’s that I don’t want to sleep. Because it gets in the way of my life. And do you know, I’m fairly sure this is the same attitude that five-year-old me had too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKSQU37K3BBHPETIDXCW26OH24","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574347},"content":"But crying, well now that’s a different one. Here I am, a grown adult, who struggles to keep my tears at bay. And I’m certain it’s become worse with motherhood. “It’s your hormones”, everyone told me as I sat there with a big, pregnant belly, sobbing at TV adverts, songs, and a scene from McCoys in Fair City.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4INN7XZU7RGQVLZM2JMBRO5DBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118946},"content":"But reader it was not my hormones, for baby after baby vacated my uterus, and still I leave the room when that scene with Mufasa in the Lion King comes on. I have spent far longer than is probably considered normal, dwelling on the familial trauma inflicted on Simba. You know, after the animators decided to stop drawing his dad.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TBC2WWWYGZDDPMSIDDKBJLEVC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574348},"content":"I can’t bear to see other people crying. I am she who joins in. I cry at the television. I cry at the news. I cry because of a story I’m covering.","type":"text"},{"_id":"456SOMJUG5GHLHTKKDKAK7IADQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118948},"content":"I cry because I remember that I didn’t make one of my son’s Christmas concerts eight years ago (oh God! Here I go again). I cry at the funerals of people I never knew. It is mortifying.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKHFSKZ6QZFHZOUJCUQAMTADVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118949},"content":"Even the sound of a baby or small child crying if I’m out doing the weekly shop is enough to set me off. I have found myself on occasion, grip on the trolley handle growing tighter, willing their mum or dad to immediately abandon whatever they’re doing and see to their little one internally murmuring, “please pick up your baby. Please pick up your baby” in a kind of retail meditation if you will. Some grounding exercises in the cereal aisle.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPU5LSHM3FEB5DJHA3IH6GEGTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118950},"content":"Because it’s far less socially acceptable for me to be bawling buying Rice Krispies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWFANDW5DVENHL6JNSY6MOZIQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574349},"content":"It’s a standing joke here. “Mum are you crying at a cartoon?” ask little voices, amused but following up with a reassuring hug or arm pat, all the same. As a child, I loved Laurel and Hardy movies but then sometimes I’d cry because it was sad they were dead. Still, I stick to comedies for entertainment viewing mostly here because as a general rule, they’re less upsetting than children’s films.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QU5N6YN4LJE2BIDPEPZSGPH57Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574350},"content":"I haven’t found a way to keep the tears in check. Or even a particular positive to them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6CS6RYP2BBGZ7F46TQLU7ZFMJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118953},"content":"“Mum really feels things”, the children reckon.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E6BI62WWN5FOXJZEWJCGMZBV2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118954},"content":"But maybe I’ll outgrow it, yet.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Jen Hogan: No way to keep the tears in check but maybe I’ll outgrow it, yet"},"display_date":"2025-01-06T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Here I am, a grown adult, who struggles to keep my tears at bay’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"S7V73736CBBH7LMR6OEL5LS254","auth":{"1":"b1b03b8ad2ad8e2fa9e5867106fc2ee78751e036c0cea78ae5535bb470c47543"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/S7V73736CBBH7LMR6OEL5LS254.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/06/here-i-am-a-grown-adult-who-struggles-to-keep-my-tears-at-bay/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"7G6PJRSPYNFF5JPQ3PDZL5VSFA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":532,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/0854d827-1794-4b11-ba49-d77a7cdf101c/versions/1734001914/media/423f69d86687a9d552f8583950dc15c7_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/02/regretting-being-a-stay-at-home-parent-youre-sitting-at-home-doing-housework-and-youre-bored-out-of-your-tree/","content_elements":[{"_id":"7TOUGJTGCNC2LNIM7LN5I6VP7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192874},"content":"Deciding to return to work after having a baby is a very personal choice, often significantly influenced by a family’s financial situation. “We can have it all,” women were told, without it being clarified that this really means: “You can do it all.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QSEAMPJTI5GAVJOLKJASS35OTQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"7V4LGWTNOFEJ5DKHXFSN7BHZCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192875},"content":"In the days of the endless juggle, and all the stresses and pressures that go with it, it’s not unusual for stay-at-home <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> to be told how lucky they are that they can actually afford to stay at home. Because after all, who wouldn’t want to spend more time with their children?","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HER57ZGRJCF3CVE54FTIEK72Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192876},"content":"But what about if you don’t like being at home? What if you find it boring and unfulfilling, and you even regret your choice to stay at home with your children?","type":"text"},{"_id":"NJW7Q3ON7NBZNNY3ZO2VV6HFJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079932},"content":"It’s not an easy thing to admit. Claire has been a stay-at-home parent for 14 years. She has four children. She finds it very lonely now that her youngest is 10 years old. “There are some days that I drop them to school, and you wouldn’t see anyone again until you go back down to the school. It can be very, very lonely at home,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AHKK5OMNCBDLRNADDXEVMEY2HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079934},"content":"Over the years, she has had plenty of people tell her she’s “so lucky”, without ever appreciating how hard it is and the financial sacrifice involved too. “I would get, ‘sure it’s well for you now to be at home all day’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y2HMHMUD45FSHK6URSWK76XXC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192879},"content":"“Mine have never been on an aeroplane,” Claire says, due to the financial burden of being a stay-at-home parent. Whereas her friend, who works outside the home, “can go off on a whim wherever she wants”. One of Claire’s children has additional needs. With her child’s appointments, a return to work just wouldn’t be possible, she says. “For my own <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\">mental health</a> I would like to do something, just to get out of the house. I would spend time scrolling on my phone out of complete boredom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CUZPL3PUMBEPJCAVYZBVBDXV5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079936},"content":"There’s another side to it too, Claire says. “If you’re at home, and your parents are getting elderly, it falls to the one that’s at home.” She feels the care of her parents would have been shared more equally between her and her siblings, if she wasn’t at home full-time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"XOTKNYRRWNFF3DR4NEYXNVVJNE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"4MWXTM3TEFB5TO4YI5CMPWBNA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192881},"content":"Claire feels we’ve romanticised the stay-at-home parent role. “There are sacrifices.” And her children don’t really realise how lucky they are that she can bring them to activities, and to and from school each day, she feels. Claire thinks society views stay-at-home parents as “lazy”. She says being at home for so long has chipped away at her confidence.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6QRD2OTP2VDIJO56I35TETMVAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192882},"content":"Emma is a mother to five children. She had a senior role at work and becoming a stay-at-home parent was never part of her life plan. But an unexpected <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/pregnancy/\" target=\"_blank\">pregnancy </a>changed things. She became a stay-at-home parent with the intention of returning to work when her youngest child started school. When he received an <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autism</a> diagnosis, things changed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HUK7HLWSQ5CO3CSXZGFXNUERQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192883},"content":"“That was a rollercoaster emotionally,” she says. “This is a bit taboo, but I mourned for the child I thought I was going to have. And people, I find, aren’t really allowed to say that – you have to celebrate disability, but actually it was a big, big, earth-shattering time, for us as parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4UHQLVRTDNBD5MS4YG2AMBRH4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192884},"content":"Her son’s diagnosis meant Emma felt she couldn’t return to work. “The choice was taken from me. There was such an amount of appointments. And so much advocacy that had to be done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4EC4KM7D2FEA3GIJ7LT6ACMJ6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192885},"content":"As the years have passed, Emma is finding being a stay-at-home parent more difficult to bear. “I have a huge amount of experience. I have a huge amount of energy, and I’m sitting at home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SR5I7AWYKVFVZA4ZXO4XM44HUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079942},"content":"She says there’s a feeling of being “trapped, and a little bit worthless and invisible. The education that I have. The career that I had. And you’re sitting at home doing housework and you’re bored out of your tree.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TDXQGLWRGRE3ROKFBPWCZW5C2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192886},"content":"There are also the financial impacts of becoming a stay-at-home parent. “We’re barely surviving,” she says. “We’re sustaining a family of seven on one wage. You’re saving and scrimping every way that you possibly can and saying ‘no’ a lot to your children because you have to.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JUURNKFBBFC77BMJKMXRBAKCXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192887},"content":"Emma would really like to return to work. She has come up against a lot of judgment and discouraging remarks. “People say, ‘aren’t you well off to be able to stay at home’, but then when you say to them, ‘I’m actually looking for work, the attitude of people ... the kind of things I get are, ‘oh God. How are you going to be able to cope with that? Who are you going to get to mind your child? Will he be okay?” Much of it, Emma says, comes from women. You can’t really talk about the “bitterness”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BRXIUEPGAVCXHEGL63ZK5NWQGE","additional_properties":{"_id":"FJAT3HRKIVDQXGIGDF6UEWPBOQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"CEEYCV3AGBDRRNQGKFCZ3FSLNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192888},"content":"Maria has four children. Becoming a stay-at-home mother “wasn’t a choice” she says, but when she gave birth to twins, childcare costs took the option of working off the table. Childcare “would have been more than I was making”, she explains.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BMEKQNSFFNHKHG4ZPINLCFU4OU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192889},"content":"There was also the fear of losing State benefits supports, such as medical cards, and having her rent costs increased. “If I could go back to work, I would.” Maria’s partner works long hours and some of her children have additional needs, all of which adds to her difficulties around a return to the workforce.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XKXJAIDNQZFXPJPS2C22RNUQDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192890},"content":"Maria hates when people say how lucky she is to be able to stay at home with her children. “It’s lonely,” she says. She has returned to counselling in recent times. “I’ve been talking to my therapist about how much of myself I’ve lost. I’ve had so many anxious dreams about what would I do if I didn’t have to look after the kids. If they weren’t here, who am I outside of motherhood? And the answer is, I don’t know any more.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DGWEKB2HSRFFHATXGYFME2QYBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192891},"content":"Parenthood has become all consuming for her. Maria says she can’t remember the last time she “did something for me”. She finds the mental load crippling “and then you’re constantly doubting yourself, because who are you outside of somebody’s mother? Because I’m at home all the time ... it almost feels like I haven’t gone out and done a hard day’s work. I know I have, I never turn off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KYYCSNVR7RGWVMS7CGTQWDHMFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192893},"content":"She believes we “massively” romanticise the idea of being a stay-at-home parent. “I think, by the time the kids are in school, I will be so out of the loop that I will have to completely retrain.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDPEAA23GVG5JPYZHLONVD3WZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192894},"content":"Becoming a stay-at-home parent, with all that it entails, is enough to make Maria recommend not having children to her friends, so they don’t end up in the same situation, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LKCSFFYRFDONLNEVQGWYUUCPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079951},"content":"“There’s huge societal pressure and expectations on parents, in particular mothers,” says psychotherapist Cara Byrne, adding those who have regrets about being stay-at-home parents shouldn’t feel guilty for these feelings. “Speaking about how you were experiencing your life doesn’t ever require an apology.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2W3XUJJ2RCLFJQBMEQQ3XVBRU","additional_properties":{"_id":"YTSMNIWLSFE5TIL274UC7Q5OO4"},"content":"‘There are times I regret having kids. They’re adults, and it’s now that I’m regretting it, which seems strange’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"QA3M4W3VCVB3DGGHGJ7NZ57QSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079952},"content":"It is far more common than most people realise to experience parenting as a “very isolating, monotonous and emotionally draining experience. If you feel like you’re trapped in the position of stay-at-home parent because childcare costs are incredibly high, or you have a child with special needs, it’s completely understandable that you may regret being put in that position.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QL6KU5CHYFBPZH477ZULRVYGQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192896},"content":"“Being a stay-at-home parent often removes most of the things that we previously identified with; our career, social life and hobbies often get pushed to the side due to the demanding nature of being on call 24/7. Resentment builds when our needs aren’t met, so it’s important to state those needs and find support in meeting them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OD7ORLUHURDUXN2QI4MFZFOU24","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079954},"content":"Byrne recommends “talking to other parents either online or through parents’ groups, book clubs, fitness classes or walking groups”. This, she says “will allow you to engage with people who understand what you’re going through”, and in turn “combat the loneliness and help you rebuild your confidence in who you are outside of parenting”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKJTA7KZ3JDDBNLRWJIS4HBZ7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192898},"content":"“Most importantly, though, seek support if it all feels too much and trust that that’s completely normal, you’re not alone, you’re not broken, you’re not failing. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just trying to find your feet in an environment that’s exceptionally challenging.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFMBIOB63ZBPLDOKN25BIAM66A","additional_properties":{"_id":"M5D62OTCKJBJ3JGBJIZKNS2X3Y"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"FU7JD7YAW5CR3AEO2PFLTHWJFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079957},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"4A2XJE4O75GMLJRRMEO5TMBSMQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting Taboos: Admitting that you feel bored, unfulfilled, or even regret your choice to stay at home with your children is difficult but not uncommon"},"display_date":"2025-01-02T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Regretting being a stay-at-home parent: ‘You’re sitting at home doing housework and you’re bored out of your tree’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GKMCLQ7HCJDZJGVY44DYSCBZG4","auth":{"1":"a16d0741009cb0a38d8ca8407ad7153ade67d74723667bc52fa94d7c8d27d60b"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GKMCLQ7HCJDZJGVY44DYSCBZG4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/02/regretting-being-a-stay-at-home-parent-youre-sitting-at-home-doing-housework-and-youre-bored-out-of-your-tree/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"SKZ3UO7OFRADDKB4OSOJGBV624","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":434,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/cc0f3da1-bccf-4306-919f-cee5baa27666/versions/1735557028/media/e484b8ed398598dc7d5445933307121b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/life-style/people/2024/12/30/youre-the-best-brother-a-sister-could-ever-hope-for-my-sister-was-dying-of-cancer-a-christmas-gift-helped-me-process-it/","content_elements":[{"_id":"C6QYNBBRRFCM5OWJP7MINKDUPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648690},"content":"Three years ago, my sister asked me what type of tree I wanted as a <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/\" target=\"_blank\">Christmas</a> present. This wasn’t a simple question, like “What kind of sweater: V-neck or crew?” Julie was dying and wanted to give me a living gift to remember her by.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMIBUCNALJG4LDDEPBSLLFRVJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648691},"content":"I thought about it for several days, eventually texting back: “A Japanese maple because I love its lacy leaves and the way they come to life in the fall, turning from green to a brilliant red, as though on fire.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBGM6DWPTFBP5PI4ZU55RFYFKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648692},"content":"“Like you, sister,” I added. She had also lived a life on fire.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D4WPXA6FNFDCFDOW25MZIS4DEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648693},"content":"Compared with Julie, an amateur <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/life-style/gardening/\" target=\"_blank\">gardener</a>, and my brother Jay, a landscape designer, I’d come up short when it came to anything resembling horticulture. When we were children, our mother planted a maple in our backyard. It proved resilient under the weight of snow or ice, with a propensity to bend rather than break. I liked these attributes, and the metaphor, especially in light of Julie’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cancer/\" target=\"_blank\">cancer </a>prognosis. I hoped my new maple might help me to become flexible rather than broken in the months to come.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WBCVFHZHTVCZ7GTZ3DI3JPTSVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648694},"content":"A few weeks after our text exchange, I arrived home to find my sister’s gift: a tree on my front porch, just 2½ feet tall, roots wrapped carefully in burlap. She’d also included one of those pop-up cards. When I opened it, a crimson Japanese maple unfurled in all its glory.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCTDQFQ3S5HPTIUCCXPGGXFJ3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648695},"content":"In her familiar scrawl, my sister had written:","type":"text"},{"_id":"NL3DXLMJOVGLPGTVWRSYQTBD5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648696},"content":"<i>Dear Steven</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"PRQGTNIKWRCXFG2M5FVV3NUHV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648697},"content":"<i>I hope the red maple tree gives you years of beauty and happiness.</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"IA2WBH2URFBZVJXUKIF4TOJ56E","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648698},"content":"<i>Whenever you look at this tree, think of me smiling back at you and saying “I love you!”</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"LZLXEWYE7JABHBH4F2MUPJDMPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648699},"content":"<i>You are the best #1 brother a kid sister could ever hope for. You’ve loved me, supported me and stood by me all the time. I am forever grateful that you are my brother.</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"I64N5QTQEZDAZC74YMUDGNMI54","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648700},"content":"<i>Love,</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZYVPHWHZ5JGNDLM3TPLBWJKLB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648701},"content":"<i>Julie</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"M4CA2AKSDFGLLPEWMY63GO4IT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648702},"content":"<i>Xoxxoxox</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"2LF5YP67SJGUPCL2GY5I6PNQNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648703},"content":"Yes, this was much better than a sweater.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FKW4VDFY4JE5NC22WCZUCTGPXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648704},"content":"The tree looked forlorn, but that was to be expected. By this time of year, the Japanese maple had already shed its leaves. Now dormant, it was prepared to withstand the winter, awaiting a brighter new year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKIB2FCNZRDRTNWO2ZLHRYHJNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648705},"content":"Jose, who helps me in the garden, planted it in the backyard under the canopy of a towering black walnut tree, which I hoped would protect the sapling.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZXMK4IMVBACHJRRY2QRPRUMY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648706},"content":"I counted that Christmas as the fourth since Julie, then 59, had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Early on, her oncologist had told us we’d be lucky to have five more Decembers together.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XTMPIQGZNVFDVAPGIPUB75JIOU","additional_properties":{"_id":"JB6TMERA7JE7HESFWUZY4A6HWQ"},"content":"Home alone at Christmas – Helen O’Rahilly on a delightfully peaceful celebration","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TD3DAKR7QRFVVHRZ7X43QYGOKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648707},"content":"The next spring came early, and the awakening maple began to sprout buds, which soon turned into bright green leaves. I could imagine photosynthesis shifting into high gear as the weather warmed and the small maple began its annual work of repair, restoration and growth. Julie, too, seemed to be in decent health, spending much of the spring in her own garden – fertilising the soil, planting fall bulbs and tending to her beloved hydrangeas.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MI4FERHEP5HFZHHPPQX4QEEJWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648708},"content":"As for me, the gardening neophyte, I cared for that maple with as much attention as I could muster. By midsummer, I’ll admit, I’d begun to talk to it. I lived 500 miles (804km) from Julie, and chatting to the little maple felt like having her beside me, which I knew had been her intent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4VDCKDSHMVE7XJBFAWZJWWBEHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648709},"content":"“Nothing bad can happen to this tree,” I told my neighbours, Wendy and Charlie.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQ4DFM2A5NBO7G2ZKLI3FOBLFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648710},"content":"Labor Day passed with just a hint of the cooler night-time temperatures that ignite the maple. In late October, the tree lit up, fiery and proud. Julie and I spoke often, almost as frequently as I spoke with the tree. I imagined that the maple could recognise my voice, which would allow Julie and me to use it as our medium – when the time came.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJIVB2KQN5HTNIF5MQXTDY4WMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648711},"content":"The fifth Christmas came and went. We were in overtime.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KX3PINJKONDMVJL3H4ARGUMUCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648712},"content":"With the spring, my other trees sprouted buds. The Japanese maple, however, appeared inert. I went out to examine it and snapped off a small branch. It was dry and brittle, which even I knew was not a good sign.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PMI3KE7FCNCFTMRWX7KCJNNJFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648714},"content":"I texted a photograph of the tree to Jose: “This is the Japanese maple in the backyard,” which he surely knew since he’d planted it. “It seems dead. Would you look at it? It’s very important to me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUHJFQUINBDRDI72AEHTKH5WD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648715},"content":"When he didn’t reply that day, I sent him the backstory, ending with: “It can’t die because it will mean Julie will die.” He rushed over the next morning. The prognosis was not good.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFBQ4FZLUNF7DDAC3RAYWUQZHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648717},"content":"As I later learned from an arborist, the maple had succumbed to black walnut toxicity. I hadn’t known that the large tree overhanging it could produce a toxic substance called juglone, concentrated in its buds, nut hulls and roots. Black walnut trees are killers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GVOYYTWNRNGCFNWMWP5MAWTHJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648718},"content":"By now it was April, the same month Julie’s oncologist told her she’d exhausted all possible treatments.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYJAQC2H2VF6DA2GGOIV7SU2YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648719},"content":"The oncologist, when pressed, estimated that my sister had two or three months to live. With time running short, I became obsessed with finding another Japanese maple. Miraculously, I discovered a nursery that billed itself as a “Japanese maple tree farm” only 20 miles from my house. I raced over the next day and found more than 200 varieties of maples, covering acre upon acre.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55PEW5X2ZJFHVJF6ORNCVYNVUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648720},"content":"The owner recommended a Japanese maple known for its purple leaves that turn bright red in the fall. I paid him $275 (€264), and together we put it in the back of my station wagon. Jose and I planted it, this time in the front yard, far away from the reach of the black walnut.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6W4PSKSTY5HPPFQMT6GSQJDC6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648721},"content":"Julie died six weeks later, unaware of the maple tree switcheroo.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XX4UBJSY3JGSRFAMTO2L4GLLPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648722},"content":"The maple has flourished. I say either “hello” or “goodbye” each time I go by. Sometimes I stop and chat. Am I a kook? Perhaps, but I think often of the Mary Oliver poem When I Am Among the Trees, which speaks to me the way I speak to Julie through my tree.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WSOD6IGW4RBLJK4PBRQ544LL6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648723},"content":"<i>Around me the trees stir in their leaves</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"346INT2HDJGNTDWMIOEYEFC6EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648724},"content":"<i>and call out, “Stay awhile.”</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"HOKAK4ZCTJH73GQWC774QI7ZC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648725},"content":"<i>The light flows from their branches.</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"BVJKAKDKGFAFZD7LWXOYN4NWRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648726},"content":"<i>And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"HGDJCEMRFZDHDLE443XPT32YCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648727},"content":"<i>“and you too have come</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"57ERZQO2YRBANNFJSEIYCTRCIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648728},"content":"<i>into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"PBXPZA4EEFDZDBNZMP6QPEAGOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648729},"content":"<i>with light, and to shine.”</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"P3MPJWEX65GNPEKW6UVKFZGXQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648730},"content":"Even in the dead of winter, I look at the tree and think of Julie smiling back at me, saying, as she promised, “I love you”. – This article originally appeared in <a href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2024/12/23/well/family/cancer-maple-tree-christmas-present.html\">the New York Times</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"name":"Steven Petrow"}]},"description":{"basic":"Julie had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer at 59-years-old. Early on, her oncologist had told us we’d be lucky to have five more Decembers together"},"display_date":"2024-12-30T11:05:21.128Z","headlines":{"basic":"My sister was dying of cancer. A Christmas gift helped to process it","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"YV32BFXFXQ33BUOOUCQH2NCCRU","auth":{"1":"57639e897b8bd480023c54d018aca17570d925233c34982a41215f3afae4ac5d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/YV32BFXFXQ33BUOOUCQH2NCCRU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"People"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/life-style/people/2024/12/30/youre-the-best-brother-a-sister-could-ever-hope-for-my-sister-was-dying-of-cancer-a-christmas-gift-helped-me-process-it/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/life-style/people","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"People"}}}},{"_id":"FNC47DTYWRDXZFQB4U6W2GCDN4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":696,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/756bd4d9-2b3a-45cf-9185-5078f5b42ff3/versions/1734367516/media/322d63cb39cf5bde1ffa600521012357_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/28/conor-popes-guide-to-health-insurance-everything-you-need-to-know/","content_elements":[{"_id":"YAPXN4GGT5AMBFIMSCTPRKROYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457146},"content":"Do I really need health insurance? We have a free public health system and it’s not like health insurance will see me jump any A&E queue, will it?","type":"header"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"G4VS3KJDGNDPTORJW5Q6I3Q4SU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"ITKXY7X2ANFTVPE6PYKXPTXJRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457147},"content":"That’s a legitimate question and as good a place as anywhere to start. It is absolutely correct to say that, if a person has a heart attack or stroke, is involved in a car crash or has to be rushed into an emergency department suffering from some other serious ailment – or even a not so serious one – then health insurance makes no appreciable difference.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2NNOHFWIUVFFHA4SLWQPOGZE7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457148},"content":"Why is that?","type":"header"},{"_id":"X4RECBXDVFFQHNL3OTINOIRP7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457149},"content":"Because in most emergency circumstances people are brought to the nearest public hospital and treated in the public system at no – or at least at very little – cost to them. And most people who are diagnosed with serious, life-threatening conditions will most likely be treated in the public system fairly expeditiously whether they have health insurance or not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"THMI3CQAVJD2RPJDM4G3ILALCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457150},"content":"And that public system works right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"IAZYNYXDZBBVLHCSKZAGYNMS5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457151},"content":"For all its flaws – and they have been widely documented for a long, long time – our healthcare system can be good. That is thanks mainly to the medical professionals who are central to it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLEDOKL775AOPHIH6DGYX36FUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457152},"content":"Tell that to anyone who has been left waiting in an A&E for hours on end","type":"header"},{"_id":"GVFNSRM36VDQHHNY4SAPIDZBCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457153},"content":"That is not the fault of the doctors, nurses or teams of healthcare professionals. The reality is that even the most gilt-edged of health insurance policies won’t protect people from the hell that is a hospital trolley.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KBJPGQREHFED5K6THBYA6ELNGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457154},"content":"So back to the first question, what is the point of health insurance?","type":"header"},{"_id":"BFEOBW4AHRHFPFFVR7MBPT2VRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457155},"content":"Quite simply, people with health insurance get access to consultants more quickly – even consultants working out of public hospitals. They get private and semi-private rooms in public hospitals if they are available. They can also access private hospital and private emergency departments and clinics which dramatically reduces waiting times for many procedures – both elective and otherwise. And they have access to a much broader range of out-patient services and can more often than not be treated much faster for elective and non-urgent issues much, much faster than people relying on the public system.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQ6SWV6NMVFGVHBE7OTQ6CP2WQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"DFLNRT7J2BDG5DZNBMKUIIUC7E"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"KKBOAB3LTNFYNCLVNSL6IPLAHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457156},"content":"How much faster?","type":"header"},{"_id":"Q32T2XL5YVBYDBKA2FI5QYY7KE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457157},"content":"As anyone who has had to navigate the maze of Ireland’s public health system will tell you, people can be left waiting months and sometimes years, before seeing consultants. The sad reality is that people have died because of these delays or they have been left living in often unnecessary pain for far too long. At the end of last year there were more than 66,000 people on the outpatient orthopaedics waiting list with close to 12,000 of them facing an estimated wait time of more than 12 months. And that is just orthopaedics.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZBTDWUFKD5BJFPS3PXXR5KYTII","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457158},"content":"That is terrible","type":"header"},{"_id":"BBPC5QVIH5AXBN3LPDUGUNKN2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457159},"content":"It is and it goes some way to explaining why just over 2.5 million people have health insurance despite multiple price hikes in recent years and why, according to a recent report from the Health Insurance Authority (HIA), “consumers view health insurance as a necessity and not a luxury”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMFTIKDWF5CRFMFOYFHSNXIWAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457160},"content":"But it is an expensive necessity right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"R6ORXXOUMVEDVH7QTBG43D2M4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457161},"content":"It is certainly not cheap and it is getting more and more expensive with the cost climbing by an average of 11 per cent so far this year. The average policy premium is now €1,712. Increases are running at more than five times the current rate of general inflation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XQR3FJQQFNG3XEUJI2E4XB5GXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457162},"content":"Why is that?","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZQ46Z76G6ZDABI5CMDXNL64WRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457163},"content":"The insurance companies point to sustained increases in the cost of delivering healthcare and the increased use of more expensive, high-cost drugs among other things.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW2ST7XWLRCJLMM7VAPSRCWDFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457164},"content":"So just how much can a family expect to pay?","type":"header"},{"_id":"2SJB6BZDCJA5HLG2FV3LYZZMHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457165},"content":"Even if we allow for the fact that children’s policies typically cost a good deal less than adult ones, a family made up of two adults and two children paying for a fairly middling level of health cover won’t have much change out of €4,000 a year – and that is an after-tax figure, which means they will have to earn close to 10 grand to cover the cost.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZQFQS4C7KVCHZBW5BZRD5PX6QA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457166},"content":"Yikes. Could I not just pay for access to private healthcare as I go?","type":"header"},{"_id":"S6W663M3IZCM7MYIXTEOCHMJVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457167},"content":"You could. But the chances are you will have to rely fully on the public health system if you get seriously ill as the costs really ramp up if you, or a family member, gets sick. It might not cost that much to see a consultant privately on a one-off basis, but ongoing visits or treatment costs will quickly bleed a patient dry. Getting a colonoscopy private, for example, will set you back well over €1,000 and if it turns up something that needs treatment and you have to pay for it privately, it will cost a whole lot more again with the cost of overnight stays in hospitals, procedures and courses of medication sometimes costing many thousands of euro.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q2SR54HF6BDP3LZWKHEXR27DNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457168},"content":"I am young and healthy, could I save myself a few bob by waiting until I am older to take out cover?","type":"header"},{"_id":"UG7XI5XT2NH5XKOSSZI3SFXYME","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457169},"content":"You could, but you will you will pay a premium for that. Lifetime Community Rating is designed to target those who wait to take out private health cover until they are older and more likely to need more medical care. Anyone taking out insurance for the first time aged 35 and older will be charged an extra 2 per cent of their policy for every year they are over 34 without health insurance. The maximum loading is 70 per cent. It applies for 10 years, after which a person reverts to the standard policy price.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CBOAWRJ3PRFAJMSE5F37VRQ5IE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457170},"content":"So who offers health insurance in Ireland?","type":"header"},{"_id":"3P4TFQFF5FGLNKLXTXQXA2FSHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457171},"content":"Maybe a history lesson might help answer that question. In the beginning, there was the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/vhi\">VHI</a>, a State-owned operator that offered a handful of private plans running from Plan A to Plan E. It was a simpler time and it had the playing field all to itself. Then, in the 1990s, Bupa arrived, but it quickly turned into Quinn Healthcare, which then became <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/laya-health\">Laya Healthcare, </a>which is now owned by Axa. We then had Vivas, which was acquired by Aviva. But Aviva left the market in 2016 and sold the business to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/irish-life-health\">Irish Life</a>, which also took complete control of GloHealth and merged the two into Irish Life Health. Then a couple of months ago, Aviva came back into the market under the brand name Level Health.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66HJDMXASBFTVCLTF3RTWW3RCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457172},"content":"That is confusing","type":"header"},{"_id":"LFMVLG5BZFFDTD66EX25VYRDDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457173},"content":"It is, but the confusion doesn’t end there. There are about 350 health insurance plans on the market and, according to the HIA, that has left consumers feeling “overwhelmed” by the number of options available. It recently said the complexity works against people’s best interests and sees many paying over the odds for cover.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WFXWIY7DKNED3HK6GHK2HOXICQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457174},"content":"But does all cover at the same level not cost pretty much the same?","type":"header"},{"_id":"CQNWBZJTWBHS3JHOCSJVU3G7VE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457175},"content":"Absolutely not, there are huge price discrepancies between plans and canny consumers who shop around when renewal time comes can make big savings amounting to hundreds of euro each year – and sometimes even more than that.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ATI7PCZSZBCO7BKNQYGOBLBYCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457176},"content":"So everyone shops around all the time, right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"S64DFAZQUFEFVG5UQSVYOOWFRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457177},"content":"Wrong. According to the HIA, a total of 71 per cent of the market have never switched provider, while half of those who have switched have only done so once.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DNSNO2C4NGQHJXPBWY3EDBSGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457178},"content":"What? Why?","type":"header"},{"_id":"HJ4MRCKN3VCLJGJ6B3THORIJVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457179},"content":"Well we mentioned the complexity of the market, right? Many people believe that it is difficult to switch and while it is certainly harder to change health insurer than it is to change energy provider – or at least there are many more variables to consider – it is not as hard as people might think and there are far fewer risks than many probably believe.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UGACUXTXKBFEJKBUSQKWF5LUAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457180},"content":"But it is complicated, right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"DXVINH2EK5A2VGHROYZJJYD5P4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457181},"content":"Well, while the sector is undoubtedly complicated, much of the complexity is easy to sidestep. There are strict rules in place that give consumers protection irrespective of their age or their health issues.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LGZ6ASQJRVFU3PZTTPSP3G72QU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457182},"content":"What do you mean by that?","type":"header"},{"_id":"WN75BXS7URAUHBI5DASB7MZSKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457183},"content":"A person who has a long-standing policy with Company A will have served the waiting periods expected of them so can switch to Company B and get all the existing cover they had with Company A immediately.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PIMSGE56MRFSPNEHQBSCL2XOAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457184},"content":"To put that more simply, you do not lose the cover you already have by moving from one company to another. If the plan on the table from Company B offers enhanced cover, you will most likely have to wait for that to kick in, but whatever you had, you keep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZUHNHXM4INCG3NMGZVI5HASKR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457185},"content":"But I have a pre-existing condition so I am stuck?","type":"header"},{"_id":"2D3NU6SS3NGSBOTP4JTRYAUZRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457186},"content":"No. Unlike with other forms of insurance – and we can’t stress this enough – you cannot be penalised financially because of a pre-existing condition or because of your age. The law requires health insurance companies to treat everyone equally.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7XNPRSDW2JEA7HTB73DF56G75M","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457187},"content":"But if I am taking it out for the first time?","type":"header"},{"_id":"5QMCBJTIMNFGTP6GAX5LJCTLPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457188},"content":"Anyone buying health insurance for the first time or after a break in cover of more than 13 weeks will have to serve waiting periods before having full access to all of their benefits. The waiting period for inpatient care for pre-existing conditions can be a maximum of five years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMVEW34S5BAN5PIIC2F4K5RIZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457189},"content":"So where do I start if I want to switch?","type":"header"},{"_id":"TUOCFSBQBZCDJPSSUIDCZHQ6F4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457190},"content":"You start with the facts. Call your existing provider to see if they have a lower-cost equivalent plan to the one you are currently on. Make it clear you’re happy to take on some excesses or minor reductions in cover, depending on the savings.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IJCD7KMA2ZDRFB5CN3ROPBALJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457191},"content":"Why do I start with them?","type":"header"},{"_id":"MEN2UNY4LBG6DDZJC6OJVLURDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457192},"content":"Because it is the easiest thing to do. Your existing insurer has a complete record of all previous claims you have made and the simplest question to ask is if any new and cheaper plans would have covered all the claims that have been paid out over the last two years and to the same level. If the answer is yes, then your choice is pretty simple. You switch.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KH7WBVE4QVEPFHBJOQHRKRB34Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457193},"content":"But what about the other providers – they won’t have the record of my previous claims?","type":"header"},{"_id":"U2ILL7T3WNATTNCPB3ZN6DTLLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457194},"content":"And that is why it is important that when you are talking to them you are upfront. You will not be penalised – financially or otherwise – for honesty. Detail all the important elements of your existing policy, and outline any underlying conditions and procedures carried out. Have them confirm that any new and cheaper plan will cover everything you have had covered in the past.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CXS5TMR24REYZD6NPJ2MVUWFVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457195},"content":"And I can do this online?","type":"header"},{"_id":"33CLMM4U45ETLGIONLKGHKIKVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457196},"content":"Probably, but it is better to do it over the phone. Providers like it when we shop online, but by doing so we become responsible for all the decisions, be they good or bad. By talking to a company representative and asking the right questions, and insisting on having everything explained to you puts the onus on them to make everything clear. Do not be afraid to ask questions and make sure everything is clear in your mind before making any final decision.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q43IFHKHWFA37MORSL5LYPPZMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457197},"content":"What about my children?","type":"header"},{"_id":"HIQIHI2V5BCTPC72RHMRQHTIXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457198},"content":"The key thing here is they do not need the same level of cover as an adult because there are no private children’s hospitals in the State and GP visits for under-eights are free.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LD2IWU7KNFBTTELUTW6J4JXOCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457199},"content":"But health insurance still has value for them. Children can obviously be seen by private consultants at a cost and treated in paediatric wards in private hospitals as well. Then there are assessments for neurodevelopmental conditions. The healthcare support often relies on diagnoses, and wait times for autism and ADHD assessments and other conditions in the public system can be insanely long. They are expensive in the private system if people pay upfront.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Conor Pope"}},"name":"Conor Pope"}]},"description":{"basic":"Access to consultants, private hospital rooms and reduced waiting times are some of the reasons why it can pay to have private health insurance"},"display_date":"2024-12-28T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Conor Pope’s guide to health insurance: Everything you need to know","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"AA6KKDFKO5F47MUEAZYGKEMXQU","auth":{"1":"a50e8f67e896e8c485f5504d709302bd6a4f36df707477bf794e879854827582"},"focal_point":{"x":1900,"y":910},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/AA6KKDFKO5F47MUEAZYGKEMXQU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Your Money"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/28/conor-popes-guide-to-health-insurance-everything-you-need-to-know/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"UUSSNLDA45AE7GOC6SPHR4M3HI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":281,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/63a5e635-4d1a-4450-87b3-00e257ad8223/versions/1734428251/media/c02ae5aad0253272829bdc662ba82e64_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/27/my-ex-wife-is-tracking-my-daughters-mobile-phone-location-when-she-is-with-me/","content_elements":[{"_id":"ZV3EJJCX7RA5LMMG3HRSHCDJSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634371},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"YSX4JDKONZHLVL6SECATAHVAGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496635},"content":"<b>I have recently remarried and am in a blended family with my new wife. She has two </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\"><b>teenage boys</b></a><b>, 15 and 17, who live between our house and her ex-husband’s. I have a 10-year-old daughter, who lives with her mum and stays with us for a long weekend every two weeks. My </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents\" target=\"_blank\"><b>daughter</b></a><b> has her own mobile phone, which she just uses to text and phone her mum and myself (we have disabled social media and internet on it).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"SE7JXPU56FEAFP6UQ7XQUIWFVM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"XNC44KWNZFHE5DQ5ZBXRBNNX3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496636},"content":"<b>I found out recently that my ex-wife tracks my daughter’s location (via the ‘find my phone’ feature) when she is with me. I only found out by chance when my ex made some comment about where I had taken my daughter on a hiking trip. To be honest, this does not feel right. I understand that my ex-wife finds it hard to be away from her daughter.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"7USNHGPYZRFYHN3U653A5BQN3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496637},"content":"<b>As a result, there is no problem with her texting and ringing my daughter, though sometimes I think this is excessive and interrupting my short time with her.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"A42Z7BYWWRB3THRRVLOCXMD2WE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634372},"content":"<b>I understand that lots of parents use the location features to keep tabs on their kids – my wife does that with her two teenagers and she finds it helpful to know where they are and that they are safe. The 17-year-old turns the feature off himself now sometimes.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2UG2RBAPZBCZCDVKZKC4D3CWY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496639},"content":"<b>However, my ex-wife’s tracking of my daughter when she is with me feels a bit much. To be honest, it feels like I am under surveillance about my parenting. What should I do? What are my rights about this?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZGBYDBM44NHKBE7AR6GPT4F7IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496640},"content":"<b>My ex and I have a very delicate relationship that has been very acrimonious in the past.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"AFRBY3JAINGUBJFTSBJ6BNHM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496641},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"S7R3VGUIEZFOXBMGMPSBKJ73JI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634373},"content":"Though mobile phones have brought many benefits in how we can stay connected with our close family, they have also brought challenges and dilemmas. Location tracking is one of these dilemmas. It can be reassuring for a parent to know where their child is when they start being independent and this can even foster a sense of safety for the child as they go places by themselves. Location tracking is also useful for practical reasons such as finding misplaced or lost phones.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ESY6SA44IJGHTMJRSPUKCHCQOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496643},"content":"However, it does pose questions around freedom and trust, especially as children get older. Older teenagers have a right to go places without their parents knowing and this is part of them becoming independent and making their own choices. Sometimes parents can become hypervigilant and over-controlling in their children’s lives – location tracking can feed into this and can increase over-vigilance and damage trust.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LEC7D43FREGJE6GBLJKZPE6QQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634374},"content":"There is no one size fits all when it comes to location tracking and it is really down to your judgment as a parent as to how to manage issues around safety and to decide when you give children freedom. It is interesting that your older step-son chooses to sometimes turn off tracking on his phone, which is one solution to these dilemmas. Certainly, location tracking is no replacement for upfront conversations about safety and for building warm connected relationships with your children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3B6GWJKPNBFHKTDVD35SYNGLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634375},"content":"Your specific question is complicated by being separated from your daughter’s mother. Her being able to track her daughter’s location means that she can also track your location. I can understand that it might feel like a violation of your own privacy as a parent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZKYRPCTQKZCSFDBZXKCSVBOQZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734428062652},"content":"You also have the additional concern of how frequently your ex-wife contacts your daughter when she is with you. It is useful that you can empathise with your ex-wife’s need to stay connected with her daughter – she may indeed be quite lonely when her daughter is not with her and this might lead to her contacting or checking her location.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HSL5OPO2FDTBCBENZU4Z72AYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634376},"content":"As you think how to resolve the issue, a lot depends on the quality of your co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife. For example, it is perfectly reasonable to request that your wife does not track your daughter when she is with you. You could agree that you will turn off the tracking feature at these times and suggest she contact you directly if she has any concerns. It might also be reasonable to request a schedule for when your ex-wife phones your daughter during visits so these can fit better into your routines.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BDXR4BMZ4ZAMXMEFCEQUIQJSEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496647},"content":"However, it is worth bearing in mind that such requests might go down badly with your ex-wife, especially if you have had a previously acrimonious relationship. You could decide that it is not worth raising the issues, and let them slide for the moment to be revisited later when your daughter is older. Before you decide how you respond, it is worth reflecting how your daughter is impacted by the contact with her mother when she is staying with you – is it too much and unsettling for her, or is it okay or even beneficial to her?","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4FUWY6ZLRBXZD5G4ZLFVKIHMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496648},"content":"Try to make a decision that is focused your daughter’s best needs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DS7K3WGPJFE35C7SNH7JESDCXQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"PETLR55GN5BDJJKFZGFOWP5L64","additional_properties":{"_id":"6IJV6IIWPNGFPFXVJSJWCBOCBQ"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: It feels like I am under surveillance about my parenting. What should I do? What are my rights about this?"},"display_date":"2024-12-27T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My ex-wife is tracking my daughter’s mobile phone location when she is with me’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"2EEEDHIBEFGQNDEXJHIY66PIXU","auth":{"1":"cf9b573eeaa0c33f86e8c31c8b3ffb33edcca1a8c93da1417770a0e90303c644"},"focal_point":{"x":756,"y":300},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/2EEEDHIBEFGQNDEXJHIY66PIXU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/27/my-ex-wife-is-tracking-my-daughters-mobile-phone-location-when-she-is-with-me/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"LIQSPMXCJJF6BEE3DCFPQA5CJ4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":346,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/2fb28af0-cdec-4dae-afa3-608599aad72d/versions/1733833094/media/ca8e0534b411f4fa791ef63da9c05741_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/16/my-12-year-old-son-has-dyslexia-and-adhd-and-complains-of-being-bored-in-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"FF4KWRWDJJBVRJKY2LKUOZZQTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394238},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"JV72QJOVN5EJBCTMFQGHVOIOXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734102865570},"content":"<b>My 12-year-old son has </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dyslexia/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>dyslexia</b></a><b> and </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adhd/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>ADHD</b></a><b> (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder). He complains of being bored in school and hates doing any homework. The teacher says he is often “switched off” in the classroom, particularly during maths, Irish and English. She says he is very bright because he can make great contributions when discussing subjects he loves, such as history or science, though she does not have time to answer all his questions.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"42OBGYSLWVE7VGDVXE7PDAF6SQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733831285024},"content":"<b>The psychologist who diagnosed him also assessed him as “twice exceptional” (children with exceptional ability but also a disability)</b> <b>and that he had high ability. I am worried that he is falling behind in school in the formal subjects and not reaching his full potential. How can I help him? Should I try to insist he does more homework? At the moment it feels like a real battle to get him to do any at all. Are there other ways to motivate him?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"C377UWVDKFCYVKPQCJDJY5PZOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734102865572},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZUC4FMX6AJBXBPEM4X6LAY6JLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394239},"content":"Many children with dyslexia or ADHD can struggle with formal learning in school and in the home. You are right to question continuing to do homework, especially if it has become an ongoing battle. Once homework becomes stressful, your son is not learning anything and such battles can turn him off education and damage his self-esteem.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FLPVJXG2G5HFXGOHPGHV5EZ76Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733831285028},"content":"As a result, it is important to take a step back and try to understand how he likes to learn and what motivates him. For example, traditional homework often involves lots of repetition such as doing similar maths problems over and over to ensure the concept is grasped. For ADHD, twice-exceptional children this could be off-putting – once they grasp a concept they might need increasing complexity to deepen their understanding or to see the concept applied in a new area that interests them so as to sustain their motivation. It is not that ADHD children are lazy or demotivated, it is just that their nervous system makes it difficult for them to learn when the material does not engage or interest them. Their mind can easily drift and day dream or attend to something else that is more engaging.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PRCAWD5GXFDRXP4AQ6BSH6BWXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394240},"content":"The good news is that there is lot you can do to make learning more engaging for your son. Many writers use the acronym PINCH to describe different ways to motivate the ADHD mind that can be applied at home and in school:","type":"text"},{"_id":"LBSTLTRSORCSLG4CGWOMTL5T4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394241},"content":"<b>Play</b> Make learning fun and engaging by introducing games and play. For example, teach your son maths using a quiz or history through a whodunit story or science through mixing ingredients as you bake – whatever makes learning fun for your child.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLDU5E6A35COZJDZHYUZGI46EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394242},"content":"<b>Interest</b> Follow your child’s curiosity in learning and answer the questions they ask. Use their passions and interests to expand their knowledge. Encourage reading about their favourite movie or think how you can incorporate problem-solving and maths into their beloved video games. Lots of twice-exceptional children love to learn about special subjects that are not part of the school curriculum such as neuroscience or coding (have a look at the curricula of the Centre for Talented Youth in DCU).","type":"text"},{"_id":"NZAS45PY25DNTCFCGZE2V2NB2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394243},"content":"<b>Novelty</b> Novelty is a strong motivator for the ADHD mind. Rather than spending a long time on one subject, it can be better to spend short bursts punctuated by rewarding breaks and to change the subject often (especially as attention wanes). Also, introduce novelty by changing the learning method. Consider doing a “learn by doing” project or listening to a podcast instead of reading or learning/discussing subjects while walking outdoors or doing a field trip.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66MOXCZTR5GAPD45HQ3DO7L4ZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394244},"content":"<b>Competition or co-operation</b> Sometimes competition can be really motivating for ADHD minds – “let’s see who can complete the sums in the fastest time” or “let’s see if you can beat your last score in this quiz”. Additionally, co-operating in a team and learning together can be really helpful for some ADHD children. While they can do the maths sums by themselves, having you nearby to listen or chat with them afterwards can sustain their attention.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DFUZOCE7UFEC7CRIS2PX3WVARM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394245},"content":"<b>Hurry </b>Many ADHD children only do something when there is a pressure deadline – they might cram before an exam or not complete a task until the last minute. While this can be infuriating for some parents, you can make it work by agreeing interim deadlines with your child, such as completing one chapter by the weekend with a clear reward on finishing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AV4QFZFHK5CAFEWC6EER4YBCUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394246},"content":"Additionally, identify your child’s sensory needs and how these interact with how they learn. In order to concentrate, some ADHD children need background music or to constantly fidget or move. Some need frequent movement breaks or learn best in alternative seating such as lying on a beanbag.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXPNDZEJUZA27IPKAXMAIWK6CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394247},"content":"Supporting your child in school","type":"header"},{"_id":"EDXFYDTEMFF57ABLS5IRTFJCHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394248},"content":"Collaborate with the teacher to explore how your son’s learning can be better supported in the classroom. Identify first what is working, such as how he seems to learn better in interactive discussions (common for ADHD children). If he needs some extra attention, could the teacher put some time aside, as this would be highly motivating to him? When he is switched off, what strategies would help him reattend? Perhaps a short movement break or an interactive exercise could help. Given his diagnoses, your son should be entitled to resource teaching hours.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6SV7ZDBJ4RG3FGEIVEGXVLOAEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733831285038},"content":"Perhaps he could be given some one-to-one time to support his learning challenges due to his dyslexia (his diagnosing psychologist might be able to make programme recommendations). Also, he could perhaps benefit from small group support and special project assignments to specifically challenge him in areas where he is academically strong.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMPPPA7ALBC5FD5GWWW5WT7KP4","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"K4W2OOCZJZGKXHEBMWOEFKEXKA","additional_properties":{"_id":"MS2DZ2AYGJAQDPPMH3RDZVONWU"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: He was found by a psychologist to be ‘twice exceptional’ (has exceptional ability but also a disability)"},"display_date":"2024-12-16T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My son was found by a psychologist to be twice exceptional, but we are in a battle to motivate him’ ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"FJ4EBD7IDBDJVE4E6FYPL3GCEY","auth":{"1":"65c149a0d9a334f0d6e0384073bfa870c628cf9c4c4bad61c06a0276b15ffaf6"},"focal_point":{"x":1934,"y":1411},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FJ4EBD7IDBDJVE4E6FYPL3GCEY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/16/my-12-year-old-son-has-dyslexia-and-adhd-and-complains-of-being-bored-in-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"4PFIEARXNZH6LPT7NQ5OWY2EWQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":314,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/a45c1969-de27-4c9b-a43e-569a4976f801/versions/1733245979/media/27b1a02d2d2bb8f5ba1584e4a0620900_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/09/trust-me-im-a-family-christmas-expert-and-these-are-the-rules-to-live-by/","content_elements":[{"_id":"4ON3E57RP5BVNNC45O2QOJKXX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565937},"content":"In the words of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/john-lennon/\" target=\"_blank\">John Lennon</a>, had he been as disorganised and frazzled as I am this year, “and so, this is <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/\" target=\"_blank\">Christmas</a>. And I’ve feck all done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YBNZ4NCLFZAR7KTIWZTQB4ZICE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565938},"content":"At this point in time, normally someone will share a motivational quote or meme about it being presence not <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas-gifts/\" target=\"_blank\">presents </a>that matter, as if I’m completely oblivious and daft to this fact. Or some all-knowing attempt at pacifying me with something like, “ah, it’ll all get done in the end” with little reference to, or consideration of, the fact that I might actually have gone insane by that point in time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6C5DPZ3VJBDVPLCQCCEWFP6M6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565939},"content":"You see, my name is Jen. And I’m a Christmas control freak.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D74J6TUPNREWPIVHCS7R2T47CE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552166},"content":"It’s my way, or the wrong way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PAGKXYER5FDBTM3YI4H3FKXLWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565940},"content":"My Christmas dinner table may never look quite like my mother’s. And the decorations on the tree have no aesthetically pleasing colour matching pattern as hers do. But Christmas is done in a very certain way in our household and there is no veering from it, in spite of my husband’s perennial swearing that we’re doing things differently next year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SX656KYTXZA35AHPPJT4WA3K3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565941},"content":"Marriage, of course, is about compromise. Christmas is not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PXMCQ6CLJZHNVAIPEOOBN7US5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552169},"content":"So, we’ll do things the same as we always did. Which is full-scale Christmas hysteria.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZJ646U3LAFFXXKYBGOFLOX3324","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552170},"content":"The tree went up in November, as it always did. Long before Covid made this trendy. And it’s Christmas jumpers, and Christmas bedcovers every day of December. And fairy lights galore, of course, because it’s Christmas, like.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYJ5NXPJM5DXZBI5OOIY27IHJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565942},"content":"You see this was Christmas in my house growing up – minus the jumpers and bedcovers because they weren’t en vogue yet. We didn’t go on holidays during the year, so Christmas was our time of year. The one time of year where excitement was utterly off the scale, and a feeling I can’t quite articulate completely consumed us from November to new year. And I need to replicate that feeling for my own family.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTXSYGVX6ZFMBC2YYEFZ2ERFMI","additional_properties":{"_id":"MAGCDIS6VZCT3GAGE46GDVBTWE"},"content":"Exciting and fun things to do on a budget over the festive season","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IMUGWSU2UREMPP5P243TBEOHTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565943},"content":"Anyhow, in spite of my own frazzled state of mind, and my absolute lack of readiness for the big day itself, I’m going to try to convince you that you should listen to me and my tips for getting through the festive season.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STDMHOGR2NCKZH2FPOWRBTQAIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552173},"content":"Yes, trust me, I’m a family Christmas expert. And these are Christmas rules to live by.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VZ3ANPIGCNG3TBNEBEKY224PZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565944},"content":"Elf on the Shelf","type":"header"},{"_id":"OZP43HGGWVHD7NRKH6PQ3YLX74","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920839},"content":"I mean ideally you wouldn’t start down this road in the first place, but for anyone out there with small children, who’s feeling smug thinking they’ve escaped, know that your day just hasn’t come yet. But it will. And it will come in the shape of another primary schoolchild who’ll ask your child all about what their elf got up to. And you too will end up spiralling every evening, scratching your head, trying to come up with some suitably entertaining ideas. Because you can’t be the worst parent in the world and deprive your child of a little Christmas joy, can you? Can you?","type":"text"},{"_id":"HDLUHDTMTRAU3GUV4QMOHIFKOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552176},"content":"Keep it simple, search Elf on the Shelf ideas on social media, and set an alarm on your phone to remind you to move the feckin’ thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AIMUSMMYAVBOPOABPLUBCTYWZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565945},"content":"Wrap and go","type":"header"},{"_id":"JIAWULLOAVEGVNBHBOIW4UPH7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920842},"content":"So, apparently (and bizarrely!), Santa doesn’t wrap the gifts he brings to Carlow. But, as normal people know, wrapping is one of Christmas’s most important great miseries and it just wouldn’t be the same without it. So, in all those situations where wrapping is required, try to do it as you go. Don’t let it all build up until Christmas Eve. Same goes for any gift assembly required, or battery checks. Your Christmas Day self will thank you for it. If anyone questions your obsessive need to wrap everything, scowl at them and call them the Grinch.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RRIKGEN5TNBIBDZ6HIER4YIWYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565946},"content":"You can never have enough boxes of Heroes or Celebrations","type":"header"},{"_id":"7TVVM5EBNBCOZBPQJWRRRVDO44","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920844},"content":"Obviously, no one needs convincing of this. See also potatoes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FSSPD3UQDREFDHOSPCFHDMD7B4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565947},"content":"Unspeakables","type":"header"},{"_id":"OYBQ2DACONBZFO3DJJYKLKASQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920846},"content":"You’ll likely spend more time with family and friends than you’re used to. In the interest of continuing harmonious relationships, decide in advance which topics it’s best not to get Uncle Jimmy started on.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JU2LGS6HTNBXRAUTHYERQJLDME","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565948},"content":"The obvious controversial ones, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/donald-trump/\" target=\"_blank\">Trump</a>, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/immigration/\" target=\"_blank\">immigration</a>, the<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/rose-of-tralee/\" target=\"_blank\"> Rose of Tralee</a>, are all best avoided. But if all else fails, use the art of distraction and ask him where he keeps his toaster.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AYENVKLE6ZFKXJWYHKBHYQBPEE","additional_properties":{"_id":"QQ24CMZHWNFDXFCS52MVCU574U"},"content":"Christmas is their business: Meet the people who do a roaring trade in turkeys, trees and double entendres","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"J2PH3LABIRFYPIEKLQFWDMU5QE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565949},"content":"Create the right ambience","type":"header"},{"_id":"ND5YXJF3VFDENF2N4X6IH5VOPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920849},"content":"Everyone knows Christmas smells of cinnamon, mulled wine and pine. And in these days of fake trees, a scented candle can replace that missing bouquet. But look it, if you can’t find the right one, remember copious amounts of Toilet Duck can also do the job.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6NIRXSJDBEWBET5G7XPU5LEXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565950},"content":"If you can, take as much of Christmas Eve off as possible","type":"header"},{"_id":"T5X4ZFFTKNEJLOJC4A6XNFKTFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920851},"content":"Track Santa on the Norad tracker, drink hot chocolate, watch The Snowman, bake cookies for Santa (and by bake obviously I mean buy a ready mix that just requires you to add water), listen to Christmas music, watch the Christmas tree lights, have a bath and get into Christmas pyjamas, leave out carrots for the reindeer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"33GCHAP3AFDFDNVWKRSSTPVAOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565951},"content":"Basically enjoy the magic of the season. Merry Christmas!","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Create time for yourself to enjoy the magic of the season, and take as much of Christmas Eve off as possible"},"display_date":"2024-12-09T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Trust me, I’m a family Christmas expert and these are the rules to live by’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"VNCBORMVXNFBZHCMFG2FUAND6Y","auth":{"1":"2666e0757b31f173da0e2236f3d00eb453db39345da40e979b6d62dc622b1902"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/VNCBORMVXNFBZHCMFG2FUAND6Y.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/09/trust-me-im-a-family-christmas-expert-and-these-are-the-rules-to-live-by/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"4GYG22O7EBHS3A6MHRWINKAHVM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/when-does-it-get-easier-and-other-parenting-questions/","content_elements":[{"_id":"QGYRJEIVEBE3LGB5FFIHPFVVOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962553},"content":"Does parenting with the seemingly never-ending juggle of work, home-life, and trying to be everything to everyone, actually get any easier? What about if you have a child struggling with anxiety, where do you begin in the search for meaningful support? Siblings; ready-made friends, or sworn enemies - how do you manage sibling conflict? And does it really matter if parents share pictures of their children online?","type":"text"},{"_id":"JLYYNFYIJVDTJPCMEE7HQS4H4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962554},"content":"These are just some of the many questions that came in to us from listeners to our Conversations with Parents podcast. And, in this special episode, Jen Hogan sits down with the podcast’s producer, Aideen Finnegan, to discuss and answer a selection of your questions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PZ3IPJN55DIXBADJMBJHJMPRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962555},"content":"Plus, the pair discuss some of the strong and varied reactions that followed some unexpectedly contentious takes on parenting, as guests openly and honestly shared their own unique experiences of raising children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3KD37Q5Y2JCVZMYPVB7ZJESH6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962556},"content":"From à la carte Catholicism, to box-ticking inclusion, to some very different views on allowing children be the ones who dictate the terms of, well everything really, there has been no shortage of things to discuss.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEUSDWNWAZCWVIH2AQX6LI6HVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962557},"content":"You can listen to the latest episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above, or wherever you get your podcast.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PEZPRGXZMZBVRBT3T347QHKNEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962558},"content":"We, at Conversations with Parents, love to hear from you, so please continue to send your emails with your feedback, questions and even guest suggestions to <a href=\"mailto:parentspod@irishtimes.com\">parentspod@irishtimes.com</a>. 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He has been having a lot of trouble getting up for school and it has become such a stressful rush in the mornings. When we were chatting last week, he revealed that he often wakes up at night and then can’t get back to sleep. He says he spends “ages just lying there” worrying that he can’t sleep.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5CSJWPSCABC6XB2NLGXEPO6D6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441802},"content":"<b>When he was younger he often had trouble like this and would wake us up – we would spend time supporting him back to sleep. Now he seems to be awake by himself – I feel bad that he is left alone like that by himself at night. What should we do to help him? What advise should we give him to get back to sleep?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"DY5W4O4UMJCBBPFL2FHCVQ3JVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441803},"content":"<b>Should we tell him to wake us so we can help him or encourage him to continue to do it by himself? He goes to bed at a reasonable time and is often very tired in the evening and is exhausted in the morning when he has to get up for school.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"2MTWJPLB3BA2JFYKVDHRZBYQ2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441804},"content":"<b>He has no screens in his bedroom and has a relaxing night-time routine as far as I can see.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMYOUHSMHZGTNLAKQO26JQIMUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441805},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"5P5OPHOE4FHFJMY2KFMF33C4TQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086409},"content":"Many children and adults experience night-waking and disrupted sleep, which is not only stressful and tiring but also can negatively impact their wellbeing and performance during the day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DLB5BIDHOVEIHG2CUMY4PIJ3ZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086410},"content":"Many people go in and out of sleep throughout the night. They might wake briefly and then return to sleep easily, barely noticing that they were awake. However, others, once they awake, their mind can become active and full of worries and ruminations. There is a tendency for people to be more hypervigilant in the middle of the night – some experts see this as an evolutionary hangover from when there were actually more dangers at night. As a result, in the dark of the night, worries can seem larger than they actually are and this can disturb your sleep. Once you are agitated then it more difficult to fall back to sleep – the more you try the harder it can become.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GIXRGUCJRETXGXQX7HG7SZODI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441808},"content":"Sleep is a passive process about relaxing and letting go – it is not an active decision you can make. Also, once you are awake for a short period “tossing and turning” then secondary worries about not sleeping can kick in – you can berate yourself with thoughts such as “Oh no, I am not sleeping, I am going to be really tired in the morning”. Such stressful thoughts just make sleep harder – this is vicious cycle of insomnia. Over time, just lying in the bed becomes associated with stress and worry and not restful sleep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DV6ZRGHGINA45OHK7JJ2VSFSPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086411},"content":"Helping your son","type":"header"},{"_id":"OK57QAU7NJCXLBXFRN22VSKMUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086412},"content":"In thinking how to help your son, it is first important to get a full picture of his sleep patterns and what is going on for him through the night. It is great that he has started talking to you about his night-waking, so now encourage him to tell you a bit more. For example, it would be useful to know: What time does he usually wake up at? Is there a particular reason he wakes up? (eg worries or a bad dream, etc). What happens when he tries to get back to sleep when he wakes? Explore also how he falls asleep in the first place when he goes to bed. It is a good sign that he is able to do this, so do take time to identify the different sleep strategies he uses: what he thinks of, what position he lies in, how he relaxes himself, what props he uses. (such as reading, music, comfy pillow, etc). It is best to have this conversation during the day at a calm, relaxed time when you can work on solutions together.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDVEF2ZQSJFYBFN5DLRYM6JZHY","additional_properties":{"_id":"D2KGJ3NTBZCVDL2QYFZNJAAMN4"},"content":"Insomnia is no fun and I’ve tried everything. Even brown noise","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OCVMZRZEFNDF5M7OUM4IO7HWD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086413},"content":"Make a plan for getting back to sleep","type":"header"},{"_id":"VK4354ULHBE4LLUM26UKXW2DJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086414},"content":"Encourage your son to make a plan for when he awakes. Below are some ideas that might help","type":"text"},{"_id":"OA4OASE3OVB2DJWTGCIXCOOZDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086415},"content":"1) Try his normal “fall-asleep strategies” that work when he first goes to bed","type":"text"},{"_id":"JAA5IOF6CJHHFKVJDA23JB7W6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086416},"content":"2) If after 5-10 minutes he is lying there awake and agitated, it might be useful to get up for a minute to break this pattern. Some people find it helps to read for a few minutes or to do some stretching. One teen I worked with found it useful to do a couple of sit-ups as means of discharging his stress and resetting his system. The key is to break the association of lying in bed with stress and agitation","type":"text"},{"_id":"24NKQHWGKVBCZL5JQB4HIRAYEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086417},"content":"3) If he has worries on his mind that are preventing his sleep, sometimes it can be useful to jot a few of these down on a note pad and then tell himself that he will deal with them in the morning","type":"text"},{"_id":"4VILZOIHZJBRNPK3Y7ZHM3Z2UM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086418},"content":"4) Once he feels a little more relaxed, then he can go back to bed and restart his relaxing fall-asleep strategies","type":"text"},{"_id":"ENVVEG4SDFEJRK6LSNE3TZAR5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086419},"content":"5) Sometimes an additional prop can help, such as listening to music or a sleep meditation (you can put this on a device with no access to social media to avoid other distractions if need be)","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQ4J7AQHGVCR5IE7RIJEMVPY5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086420},"content":"What works in restarting good sleep habits varies greatly from person to person. The most important thing is to be compassionate and encouraging and to break the pattern of worrying that might affect him. For example, if your son lies awake worrying “oh no, I am not sleeping”, you can encourage him to replace that thought with a relaxing manta “oh, it is nice to be lying resting in my bed”. Patience and gentleness are key in building better sleep habits","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFANKO72DRHTXDNQ2TVBY7Y2UA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086421},"content":"Finally, you ask in your question whether he should wake you when he is not sleeping. You can of course give him that option for if he really needs to. But waking you up may increase the challenge of getting back to sleep (as well as being stressful for you). Also, I think it is a sign of his maturity that he is trying to deal with this himself – you can of course be a supportive coach for him during the day as he reflects about what he needs and comes up with a plan to manage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3FEKUQAN2VDZXBOONEC255CVKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086422},"type":"list"},{"_id":"7ROABMHFJVA23A6GCUZNT6H2TI","additional_properties":{"_id":"HA22BFCVMRGANEN4LRA73XVJJA"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: Should we tell him to wake us so we can help him or should we encourage him to continue to do it by himself?"},"display_date":"2024-12-02T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My 13-year-old son often wakes up at night and spends ages just lying there worrying that he can’t sleep’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"P6SEBJ3OPJF4XODL4PDCETDS2I","auth":{"1":"4f31e8d65acc88a52636c73661328f6d19b60678360a1862d94cb93d048ddb2d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/P6SEBJ3OPJF4XODL4PDCETDS2I.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/02/my-13-year-old-son-often-wakes-up-at-night-and-spends-ages-just-lying-there-worrying-that-he-cant-sleep/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"ISE4QKXLQ5HCDIIP6M5OATKVAQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":373,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/956fea96-fd17-4c90-ba78-5fccd4bff8aa/versions/1732883999/media/685c5f9adef4b69511ec0d708b7fb4d9_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/opinion/2024/11/30/jennifer-oconnell-look-out-ladies-elon-musk-has-plans-for-your-womb/","content_elements":[{"_id":"TTXD3TZ7OBHGNHRRHXKRK5DNTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398474},"content":"It’s hard to imagine anything less likely to encourage you to rip off your clothes and start procreating than having <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/elon-musk/\" target=\"_blank\">Elon Musk</a> held up as a paragon of fecundity. No reflection on the charms of his numerous offspring, little X Æ A-Xii, Techno Mechanicus, Exa Dark Sideræl (who is just two, but has already changed her name to the deep, existential cry of “Y, Why, or ?”), and their nine siblings, but there is something deeply, for want of a better word, prophylactic about the kind of man who goes on a solo run to reverse the downward trajectory in global fertility rates. Musk has characterised the decline in women having children as “one of the biggest risks to civilisation”. In October, he <a href=\"https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1841635259382710619\" target=\"_blank\">posted on X</a>: “Birth rates that low will lead to mass extinction of entire nations!” Not on his watch, ladies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QCHLFVAXONHRZODODG6Q537PMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398475},"content":"Similar concerns about fertility rates have been expressed by another big risk to civilisation. <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/donald-trump/\" target=\"_blank\">Donald Trump</a>, himself a father of five children by three wives, recently promised to fund access to IVF in the US because “we want more babies, to put it nicely”. His future vice-president <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/jd-vance/\" target=\"_blank\">JD Vance</a> has a well-publicised aversion to “childless cat ladies” and says societies with low birth rates are “pretty icky and pretty gross”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"63ACBY3LZRA4BIKRAMOZOGWIFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398476},"content":"As a rule, men who are in favour of women giving birth, but very much not in favour of women generally, ought to make us suspicious. When they say “we want more babies, to put it nicely” what they tend to mean is “we like our women barefoot and pregnant, and our children numerous enough to be able to pay for us in our old age”. Perhaps that’s unfair. They do like children – maybe not as individuals with their own rights, identity and destiny, but as symbols of their masculinity, like a pair of bespoke Gucci crocodile skin loafers. Remember Trump boasting about how he would like to date Ivanka? That was the biggest compliment he could pay himself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IRBAWGJZYZH27LALGVELVZKX2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398477},"content":"As global fertility rates continue to fall – and the decline is precipitous in Ireland, with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2024/05/24/irish-birth-and-fertility-rates-continue-to-decline-cso-figures-show/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20CSO%2C%20there,2013%20to%201.5%20in%202023.\" target=\"_blank\">the average age of first-time mothers climbing to 31.6</a>, and the average number of children per woman now 1.85, down from 4.06 30 years ago – the gaping maws of the culture wars have locked on to the issue of motherhood. Women who have long been banging the drum for better access to fertility treatment and more financial supports for <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> have been bewildered to find themselves on the same side as the pronatalist movement of conservative politicians and Silicon Valley tech bros. “Parents and parents-to-be need to have long-term stability and a reliable financial situation.” Who said that? Was it Holly Cairns? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? Sheila Heti? Nope, it was Hungary’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/viktor-orban/\" target=\"_blank\">Viktor Orban</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYEPHM7KSZE5PKYXG64DLPFVCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398478},"content":"With birth rates in Europe below the replacement level of 2.1, and surveys suggesting that young Europeans would like to have more children, the populist right has a renewed interest in family planning. In October last year, Orban – who is deeply concerned about what he charmingly calls “civilisational suicide” – hosted a two-day summit of pronatalists including conservative Canadian psychologist <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/jordan-peterson/\" target=\"_blank\">Jordan Peterson</a> and Italy’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/giorgia-meloni/\" target=\"_blank\">Giorgia Meloni</a>, on how to persuade Europeans to have more children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y4V34VBPXRDBRMCKWRRWHWRGBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"YYSVMWVMBRHLNKIFRDVLX7AIDQ"},"content":"Ireland’s demographic time bomb: too many retirees and too few babies","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"MYIQQMAKQ5D6LL4KPVCKLK6VOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398479},"content":"“Cash” is usually the conclusion arrived at by these high-level think-ins. At the milder end of pronatalist measures is <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/emmanuel-macron/\" target=\"_blank\">Emmanuel Macron</a>’s programme of “demographic rearmament” or Fine Gael’s baby bonus of €1,000 for every newborn. At the more extreme is<a href=\"https://helsinki.mfa.gov.hu/assets/59/19/40/51495279420a1817043db761a69f20d1dd4e58ce.pdf\"> Orban’s offer of a loan of €31,250</a> to every married couple, with the total debt written off entirely after the third child, and a lifetime exemption on income tax for women who have four or more children or who <a href=\"https://www.hungarianconservative.com/articles/culture_society/hungarian-family-policy_children_marriage_maria-kopp-institute_family-friendly-government_fertility/\" target=\"_blank\">start having children before the age of 30</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F5QBO4ND4BBKHELPL6GEST76WQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398480},"content":"The pronatalist movement is associated with creepy visions of a society of tradwives, but does that matter if the net result is better supports for families? The problem is that throwing piles of money at young families does little to address the real reasons couples are opting out of parenthood. Financial incentives have “no or only modestly positive effects on fertility”, as <a href=\"https://www.oecd-ilibrary.org/sites/918d8db3-en/1/3/1/index.html\" target=\"_blank\">an OECD report</a> last summer puts it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQPF5MCWM5DAZJUS6LMOPT6EZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398481},"content":"Those reasons are complex. They include changing gender roles; women’s desire or need to work; and a more intense approach to parenting that leaves little room, financial or otherwise, for anything else. “In the absence of work-life balance options, increased female labour participation leads to declining fertility rates,” the report states. Meanwhile, the more men are involved in the demanding, day-to-day grind of parenting, the fewer children couples are likely to have.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AD4QNTG5ARC7NJDSJKELGWFMEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398482},"content":"We didn’t need the OECD to spell any of this out. In an ideal world, making the decision that you’re ready to have a child could involve some or all of the following: being in a relationship; having somewhere to live; earning enough to meet your expenses; being set up in a career; having access to childcare; having a general sense of the world as the kind of place you are comfortable bringing a child into. And wanting to be a parent. These days, many people will never tick all those boxes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ICXOYMQXSZASZKNNYUB6FWEJHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"52Y3DAU4SBHRHMYASRK7RJLKGY"},"content":"Martin Wolf: Falling fertility rates are one of the biggest challenges facing our world","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"FUBGL3OP3REETPT6FVG4E7PW54","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398483},"content":"Arguably, women and men who decide not to have children are making an entirely rational choice in a society that is not set up to support them; one that continues to be structured as though for every child, there’s one parent at home full-time – without putting any of the supports in place to make that possible. A €1,000 or a €30,000 baby bonus won’t address the climate crisis or buy you a house. It won’t even arrange to pick your child up at 2.10pm when your working day doesn’t finish until 5.30pm. And until those things are no longer an issue, fertility rates will continue to fall. No amount of bribes or Musk fretting about mass extinction is going to make a difference.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jennifer O'Connell"}},"name":"Jennifer O'Connell"}]},"description":{"basic":"The pronatalist movement has roots in creepy tradwife visions, but does that matter if it leads to financial supports for families?"},"display_date":"2024-11-30T07:10:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Look out ladies. Elon Musk has plans for your womb","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GDDVRKAAAM4GFWF4AJ7GSFIBBM","auth":{"1":"117d82d5220f3bc696c6fe7e06d22fdd0fec3744a1fe781a6a3a3e6c23b4436f"},"focal_point":{"x":4459,"y":1356},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GDDVRKAAAM4GFWF4AJ7GSFIBBM.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Opinion"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/opinion/2024/11/30/jennifer-oconnell-look-out-ladies-elon-musk-has-plans-for-your-womb/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/opinion","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Opinion"}}}},{"_id":"2EV3G3DV5FGYNGFTCE4WTSBRZI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/seamas-oreilly-my-little-boy-is-the-same-age-now-as-i-was-when-my-mother-died/","content_elements":[{"_id":"3IMIZ6K3KNAELO6YSIH7RDHWF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132837},"content":"Be careful what you put on social media, or you might just go viral and end up with a whole new career, as author, Observer columnist and now dad of two, Séamas O’Reilly discovered when he replied to a tweet asking “what’s the worst day you ever had at work?”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WQISOTYRFBCR5NVOHOQMXZIJAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132838},"content":"In the latest episode of Conversations with Parents, Séamas who has 10 siblings, (or ‘10 siblings!’ as Tommy Bowe might say) talks to Jen Hogan about serving drinks to President Mary McAleese, aged 18, while being under the influence of an illegal substance. And how 80 million views, and a mention in the New York Times, later he was able to quit a job he didn’t like and take up writing for a living.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZKCHHQNBYRGVNBAWHJPGP52ZWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132839},"content":"The author of the award winning, Did Ye Hear Mammy Died?, shares his experiences of growing up in a large family, having lots of teenage sisters at the one time, and coping with the loss of his mother when he was just five years old, leaving his father to raise 11 children alone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KTBW3SEPRBEG3AMD47TO3JG7FM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132840},"content":"As Séamas’s own son reaches the same age Séamas was when his mother died, he reflects on how his experience of bereavement at such a young age has affected his parenting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NKOWTBVYTNGOLNGCJG4CVM5M5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132841},"content":"“My son, just about three months ago, he turned the same age that I was when my mum died. I don’t know what kind of sadist mathematician in me ever made me work it out, but I worked it out sometime and I had it in a calendar”, he explains, discussing how this milestone has given him a new insight into and appreciation of just how small he was when he lost his mother.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PWA276UXX5D2JCLAE4UPX76KJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132842},"content":"Plus, how do you cope when you’re an Irishman whose children support the English football team? What are Séamas’ takes on modern parenting phenomena? Would he consider having a large family himself? And do kids really say the darnedest things?","type":"text"},{"_id":"HGMKIL2NIJD67GEH22X5QRXMUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132843},"content":"You can listen to this episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above. Or listen to Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XLBSRLGFZFCBGKUNYMHZDRNWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132844},"content":"And if you’d like to get in touch with the show, you can email us at <a href=\"mailto:parentspod@irishtimes.com\" target=\"_blank\">parentspod@irishtimes.com</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-26T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Séamas O’Reilly: ‘My little boy is the same age now as I was when my mother died’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"ANGJ6TAD3ZEHFFLO4ZNAXEPVGQ","auth":{"1":"50164b2f8bd5c79ea663cedb270c09ab3f451db3370ecec44d623f89c05ad715"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/ANGJ6TAD3ZEHFFLO4ZNAXEPVGQ.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2345.405333,"episodeTitle":"The award-winning writer on grief, big families and *that* famous catchphrase","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/6744ad1cc11fbabc61b49c73.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/seamas-oreilly-my-little-boy-is-the-same-age-now-as-i-was-when-my-mother-died/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"O37AIYJ6AFH67ATVMFV5JRK66Y","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":463,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/295f9bd8-5a17-4a62-b1b3-b193718aa3ae/versions/1731580540/media/445aadab989a2c30f55f8787e270b104_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/ireland/education/2024/11/26/parents-were-apprehensive-the-school-where-risky-play-is-on-the-timetable/","content_elements":[{"_id":"MWRUOKOLWVGVVJXC7DR5GBAA3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565929},"content":"Imagine a school where children are allowed to climb trees and scale walls in the school grounds and then come downhill at speed on scooters. Well, that’s exactly what happens at Slane National School, Co Meath, where teachers Ruth Collins and Lorna Murphy have introduced adventurous play into the school day for all pupils.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6NE4IQGYE5DJVLHNYIJ3WJNH6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565930},"content":"“We started by bringing small groups of junior infants out to look for plants and to rake up leaves in the autumn, and later developed an outdoor play area with a mud kitchen, sand pit, wigwam and a tunnel with grass over it to roll down,” says Collins.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RK3AEGIGHBC6XPCUECWEA53GVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565931},"content":"Once the birch trees in the school grounds became strong enough to bear the weight of the children, the teachers allowed them to climb the trees during play time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RUIA7MWWV5F4LNBN6TWILACGBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565932},"content":"“It was all in a very controlled manner, but there have been fewer accidents since we started,” says Murphy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EXPXSAQ73ZGNPIXIL5JJLCKIHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565933},"content":"As part of the process, teachers asked the schoolchildren what extra equipment they would like in the playground.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQOQIHLGINCJZDW4MFP5RBEPYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565934},"content":"“We got all kinds of suggestions like a swimming pool with water slides,” says Collins. “But most of them wanted a treehouse on stilts with a fireman’s pole, a ladder and a climbing wall, which was then funded by the parents’ association.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VTJUURV7LZG3ZKESOIWEC6AO7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565935},"content":"While one or two parents questioned the wisdom of such outdoor play, teachers at Slane National School were widely supported by their principal and the wider school community.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DMKZ2FYDVB5RGWFPVN5EHJ3AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565936},"content":"“In fact, parents tell us that they hear more about what goes on at school because the children are outside,” says Murphy. “They are so engaged with their outdoor activities that there aren’t any behavioural issues when they come back indoors.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQAHOQBQUFA67LDMSNSMLVE4C4","additional_properties":{"_id":"WPKLDKXHNJBAZGGKNMX73PLPHE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"LVU57LXLABD3ZMG7BT2KMU4QYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565937},"content":"Outdoor activities are either linked to the school curriculum, led by the teachers, or involve child-led play, where children learn to negotiate the space they share with others.","type":"text"},{"_id":"746XF3FW3FCRRPAZIURQOISSFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565938},"content":"In Slane National School, junior and senior infants children have wet gear and Wellington boots as part of their uniform for outdoor play in all weathers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53FP4KQGDBBB5D7IY4PNPD4OUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565939},"content":"Collins and Murphy are part of a small group of teachers who are introducing children to outdoor activities that give them experiences of height, speed and the use of so-called dangerous tools.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L4FXEHJXINCTXKVYZZJ4PABLLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565940},"content":"The new primary school curriculum encourages playful experiences – both teacher-led and child-led outdoor play – for all primary schoolchildren.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFZX7NQMBZEZHKCXPXZIBEOQBY","additional_properties":{"_id":"I2YELRBTJRHCLPVROCZHC2W7GQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"K3VQMFHKFJHGHI7FZKH73HV5UY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565941},"content":"Rachel Rafferty – on a career break in New Zealand – taught third-class boys in Scoil Phádraig Cúil an tSúdaire in Portarlington, Co Laois, from 2018 to 2022.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3IE7XWZD6FHWJO5RJQ5GN4F3KU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565942},"content":"“This was my first job after my undergraduate degree ... and I noticed that the children weren’t really engaged in the environment, despite being within walking distance of the woods,” says Rafferty.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CZ4G6PY6VJC5TDHYYGSZZFXNBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565943},"content":"So she started bringing the boys for “thematic learning sessions” in the local woods. “Some of them were apprehensive to begin with due to their lack of exposure to the outdoors but, after a few weeks, it became a normal learning environment,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4F6JKW22EZFSPODESIQNFB54KQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565945},"content":"Thematic learning is an approach that amalgamates different subjects – such as science, art, literacy and mathematics – into a holistic learning experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GGTACGSM4VDHZN3SAYI6PBB5VA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565946},"content":"Rafferty quickly began to realise that children who rarely put up their hands in class or those who struggled to make eye contact became the ones who were most engaged in the outdoor setting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HZQNACJT3RH7BJJ3HDYRIJLPAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565947},"content":"“They would run up to me with questions,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBGRJWJHNJHZ3I7EHH4XPJUO7A","additional_properties":{"_id":"33J7K2HDDVBZRFJXX4XWUUUIYM"},"content":"‘How do we grow if we don’t take chances?’: Letting children take risks is terrifying but beneficial","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OMXEU5Y7A5D7JKZ6T6JGMNONCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565948},"content":"Rafferty went on to do a master’s in outdoor learning at DCU in which she developed the links between competencies of learner identity (choice, teamwork, leadership, reflection, and so on) and learning outdoors.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TBG7NY5B55FH5JITVSQUMXKM5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565949},"content":"“I would always design my lessons so that children could develop these competences,” she says. “So, for example, we studied Stone Age tools and children were put into groups to make tools out of what was on the forest floor, each with a different role as manager, designer, builder.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XDLOZVJHX5CZTLFOXW4TC32VVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"OOFMU3LPPFFLLAQQCSZGD4HRUM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"HXBCHXSCJNB65AGUJVY6K5OCJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565950},"content":"Dr Orla Kelly, associate professor in social, environmental and scientific education at DCU’s institute of education, would like to see outdoor adventurous play for children built into teacher education programmes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66M7P364GBGWFHFT4ASEZ4ZDQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565951},"content":"“Giving children opportunities to be in situations where they have to navigate and assess risk helps build their resilience and self confidence,” she says. “These are challenging forms of play which are exciting but can make them a bit nervous too so it’s important to engage with children where they are at themselves.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6AJ7O3HSFBBPTEPI4LAL2LXAII","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565952},"content":"She says that as a society we have become more risk averse and children often don’t have the same access to adventurous or risky play that previous generations did.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KSN5362E2JCBDP3MAVF7LWFQDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565953},"content":"“So, it’s important that schools can build it in with resources, materials and guidance for teachers,” says Kelly.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4TEOHKVIFCF7CEAFDE4VZKOSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565954},"content":"She admits that some teachers can be a bit reticent about doing this. “Most primary schoolteachers aren’t experienced in this sort of adventurous/risky play as it only makes up a little – if any – of their initial teacher education and they are unlikely to see it on placement either,” she says. “So, they may not have the competence and confidence to adopt it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4M4FG7X5K5DXZOSPQOKXZQIBAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565955},"content":"Parents, too, can be apprehensive. “Some think a little bit is good to do as long as it isn’t taking away from the children’s learning,” says Kelly. “There is still a sense that play is not real learning. Other parents think it is okay as long as it’s not too wet or too cold outside.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW6N25XBXJGWJJTQLS5JHKGQQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565956},"content":"Tomas Aylward, a lecturer in outdoor education at Munster Technological University, is a strong advocate of outdoor learning and adventurous play for all children, especially those with physical disabilities who, he says, are “often wrapped in cotton wool because the care ethic is greater than the educational ethic”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53J4DSTQHREIBJJIWPZXU6M6TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565957},"content":"“Risky play is very important for society, and there are consequences if we don’t have it,” says Aylward. “I experience this in the 18-19-year-olds at university who haven’t had risky experiences in childhood. They then engage in risky activities – drugs, alcohol, sex and antisocial behaviour – without filters. And we end up with less capable young citizens.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"342XFWNVIVFC7F7XQRM4VT7ZXM","additional_properties":{"_id":"3VN5CKPGZRD43DTVZONUN2WO4Y"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"KL7EXW3I3NB5RDAP2ZFKMWG5GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565958},"content":"He recounts an outdoor learning experience with five-year-old children from Ardfert National School in Co Kerry as an example of teacher-led learning.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LASBI4UMHJFI5DJWI3MSMJDLCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565959},"content":"We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, the classic children’s picture book, is the story of a family outing in which everyone has to navigate their way through a field, a river, a muddy swamp, a snowstorm, and so on, repeating courageously “we’re not scared” before approaching each obstacle.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ULXHP2RIXNGGBFRMPOUWY37UXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565960},"content":"Aylward says the children enacted the book with wood, grass, a cave and a tarpaulin as the river as a way of teaching “prepositional language”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7N6G7IXUNBZ5OTF46PO7SBU3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565961},"content":"“The children embodied the experience and became more self-directed, focused and engaged in their learning through these activities,” he says. “Parents who insulate their children from risky activities prevent them from making small micro-decisions about risk-taking. There is a dignity that comes with taking risks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O7FAW2QIENGXTGHOSADJZKZCIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565963},"content":"He refers teachers to the book, Adventurous Learning: A Pedagogy for a Changing World by Mike Brown and Simon Beames, which explores how authenticity (something real that children can interact with), mastery (how they can improve their skills), agency (with self-directed choices) and uncertainty need to be incorporated.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OPLD2UXP2JCATLGWRJZKYH4HZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565964},"content":"“The uncertainty is the catalyst and the key element as not being 100 per cent sure what will happen is good for human beings,” says Alyward. “The challenge now is that children’s lives are so engaged with screens that we have to help them find other connections to place – in the school grounds or in their local communities.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VA6C7G25NRE2FHXGFPN6R7AB3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565966},"content":"“For example, doing rubbings of old grave stones to find when people passed away and researching these names or connecting with what’s on their local beach. Start local and help them feel a connection to their locality and bring that into outdoor learning and risky play.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PI5ZAPFIB5BQHI2EPNR56JDR4U","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Sylvia Thompson"}},"name":"Sylvia Thompson"}]},"description":{"basic":"Some teachers believe climbing trees and other outdoor self-directed controlled risk-taking are crucial for fostering self-confidence and resilience"},"display_date":"2024-11-26T06:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Parents were apprehensive’: the school where ‘risky’ play is on the timetable ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5DX35TALUBE45JWTNNA2CHGYWE","auth":{"1":"fb1f4be8811e0137254ce4734ba36de9b2a4a707e95a5d466d69d67fbc85f366"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5DX35TALUBE45JWTNNA2CHGYWE.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Education"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Ireland"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/ireland/education/2024/11/26/parents-were-apprehensive-the-school-where-risky-play-is-on-the-timetable/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/ireland/education","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Education"}}}},{"_id":"NFSA7XWOSFBZRJU5JVYHJ23JUA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":285,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/7a3d50dc-bd53-416e-9f4b-e80d6cebd339/versions/1732287045/media/7b77c34bf7c83ae555e6c483e0f102bd_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/25/what-do-children-know-or-understand-of-life-and-political-issues/","content_elements":[{"_id":"PD53DN7GYNH4VDHPCPTH2GUZ34","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135758},"content":"I put the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/\" target=\"_blank\">Christmas </a>tree up last week. It is undoubtedly one of adulthood’s greatest joys – being able to throw caution to the wind and make an informed decision to put the Christmas tree up in the middle of November.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O6VRMJW3DZC47O4AVI3CUHZRJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135759},"content":"In fact, there are probably few things quite as empowering as plugging in the fairy lights when others think it’s far too soon for such festive nonsense, but you feel the fear and do it anyway. Because you’re a rebel without a pause, or if you prefer, an adult making grown-up decisions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BV3MTQD6EJGVBJ5B5E4YY6MDWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135760},"content":"And each evening since, I’ve sat on the couch, basking in the glory and calm of its festive glow. Except for that brief period on day two when all the lights in the mid-section decided to stop working, in spite of – or perhaps even to spite, as some Grinch-like characters suggested – my expert and precision tree light and decoration placing endeavours the night before.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVWK7A5DSBC65D2XTHNPY2HUIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732388933883},"content":"“The little lights are not twinkling, Clark,” played on repeat in my head, until I opened the laptop and ordered new ones, so as to ease the eye twitch that had suddenly developed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MH7Q2VYHPNHQHITR55WB2K2X3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135761},"content":"And peace was restored to the Hogan galaxy as the tree was stripped and lights replaced and I found myself thinking once again how great it is to be an adult, albeit through gritted teeth this time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RAZZNDIZ5JACLM55ESYSLV3B2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135762},"content":"I couldn’t wait to be an adult. As my 18th birthday approached, I looked forward to being able to (legally!) drink alcohol and not worry about being refused entry to a club or the student bar. Like <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/nadine-coyle/\" target=\"_blank\">Nadine Coyle</a> herself, I had perfected reciting my birthdate, though I wish I’d thought of adding ‘making me a Sagittarius’ to the end. Just to be more convincing, like.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SQD5IXTVNJCZJLGCCPH5ER2HNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135763},"content":"I was looking forward, too, to being in charge of my own life – well as much as anyone can when they’re still in the ‘as long you’re living under my roof, you’ll follow my rules’ regime that goes with continuing to reside in the family home. And, dare I admit it, I was looking forward to being able to vote. Yes, having a vote was indeed something 18-year-old me was very excited about. What can I say? I was just born cool.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPT7VFQSQFEFNEQJO6LZHSL5UQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135764},"content":"And I don’t know why this was so important to me. I came from a house where voting was not a priority. “They’re all the same,” I’d hear on a regular basis. And “same” was not meant in a complimentary way. I knew which way they’d likely vote, had they been inclined to cast their votes. But still it remained a fixation and a priority for me, even when I was a lone voter in the house.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZFQUYEGIVFL3CUJFXF2MKHMNU","additional_properties":{"_id":"MIXXRSHAMBE6ZB2OPWBGQYIWEA"},"content":"Parents’ group criticises closure of hundreds of schools to facilitate general election","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ZLNWYFDSNZDMFER56BOMMAXEUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135765},"content":"That didn’t change when some of my children became young adults themselves. Taking no chances that they’d be too caught up with school, homework, or general apathy towards the whole thing, I took it upon myself to put them on the register. And I am she who prods on voting day, lest anyone become complacent about actually voting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IIE2HRQZUZESPI77U43KADL3X4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135766},"content":"For two here, it will be their first<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/election2024/\" target=\"_blank\"> general election</a>. And curiosity has peaked. “Have you decided yet who you’re voting for?” one idealist asks me on a regular basis, ready to both challenge and consider. He knows what his priorities are, but he hasn’t yet had a chance to put them to any candidates because, at the time of writing, none have come knocking to our door. But his eagerness to engage convinces me of something I have thought for a while now: there would be great value in reducing the voting age to 16.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HS2QTAGQLNERPC4ECAWOMWOYOM","additional_properties":{"_id":"O4K5WYHLZBG2BGZNW46CTVMR3M"},"content":"‘Be an adult’ we tell our older teenagers but the Irish school system treats them like children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"N35OZDUG25CXFMZQC2DP5ERUW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135767},"content":"What do children know or understand of life and political issues?","type":"text"},{"_id":"BX6N2N3JTRC73A3W4WSH5NAZ3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135768},"content":"Well, it is they who are sitting in schools who can’t get teachers. It is they who struggle to access mental health services and are waiting unforgivable amounts of time on assessments of needs. It is they who struggle to get places in special schools that can support their needs. They who are in pain on scoliosis waiting lists. They who are seeing child poverty rates increase. They who can’t access the therapies and supports they need. They who are living in homelessness. They who are more likely to affected by climate change. They who are facing the uncertainty of ever being able to afford their own home. They who were disproportionately impacted by Covid restrictions, with little consideration for the wider impacts. And even they whose schools will be closed for the third time this year, so that they can be used as polling stations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7EG4HDIXQJDCFLAZE2FFWZPUPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135769},"content":"So, quite a lot it seems. If only they’d the chance to be heard. And be prioritised.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Quite a lot, if only they had the chance to be heard – and reducing the voting age to 16 would give them that voice"},"display_date":"2024-11-25T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"What do children know or understand of life and political issues?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"W6M2QOVALRC3ZL3RDEMDNJY5WU","auth":{"1":"f437932e7d0329e47c415ec3fc8d1fe2be807572906a4ebe0964a001a8893967"},"focal_point":{"x":3042,"y":2157},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/W6M2QOVALRC3ZL3RDEMDNJY5WU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/25/what-do-children-know-or-understand-of-life-and-political-issues/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"B32PJRO5FZGG3EGH5MMHTPULPQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":795,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/63ae627b-f5c8-4a1c-a681-e17c81c3d499/versions/1732034279/media/f17ced4ca3b680370c6d4b7923c7638b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/24/autism-why-are-so-many-children-being-diagnosed-these-days/","content_elements":[{"_id":"UYNLJQFEENGQNDRTMDSRMKWW3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797983},"content":"When Lára Ní Riain began teaching almost 20 years ago, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autism</a> was still seen as a relatively rare condition.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZCIXECV4S5CFNFHWDHDRDKEXBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797984},"content":"There were no special classes or special-needs assistants (SNAs) at her school. Studies at the time suggested the prevalence of autism in Ireland was somewhere around seven in 1,000 schoolchildren.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IWF7O3YV3ZHJLBK6TIQN2TIS7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797985},"content":"Today, her school has seven SNAs as well as an autism-specific class for children with more complex needs. Studies now suggest as many as one in 20 schoolchildren may have autism or a similar developmental issue.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YGGFBBGCR5DKJHG7SWGYIPUFWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797986},"content":"“Children are being diagnosed earlier now,” says Ní Riain. “It’s not about labelling students. Nowadays, knowledge is power — it’s about accessing all the support and expertise they require to give them the best chance at their education.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WDH25KZN2FGNTOUTYHXKW62MFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797987},"content":"So, why are so many more children being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders compared with 20 years ago?","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5K33X42FJG7RM6SAW4ZGSGW24","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797988},"content":"The latest official estimate on autism prevalence in Ireland was gathered in 2022 by the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/national-council-for-special-education/\" target=\"_blank\">National Council for Special Education</a>, which collects data on the number of children who require teaching support.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WAZEUCGZORFX5FQXKXQZCUTF34","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797989},"content":"It indicates there was a <a href=\"https://ncse.ie/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/Inclusive-Education-for-an-Inclusive-Society.pdf%20\" target=\"_blank\">prevalence rate of 3.4 per cent</a> among schoolchildren, a significant change from the previous estimate of just under 1.6 per cent four years earlier.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YHSGGVSLXZHMFIG4JWP7ISHKHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"KPQFIJYRKFGWFPLWHWUAWDUHQA"},"content":"Sharp increase in autism to require thousands of additional special needs places in schools","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"FW3HFEOHE5A45MFP22THWILEYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797990},"content":"In Northern Ireland, the estimates are higher still. Health authorities reported in 2023 that 5 per cent, or one in 20 schoolchildren, had a diagnosis of autism. It is more than four times as many as 15 years ago — and one of the highest rates recorded in the world.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OFGULFL4SNHA7K7XS3CMIMHQGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797991},"content":"On the face of it, the surge in autism looks alarming and has sparked a series of unfounded claims that vaccines or other environmental factors may be at play.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFECJC2LCJCCDIYDN4AHSDJLBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156168},"content":"Increases in diagnoses, however, have been a feature of autism for almost as long as it was first described as a recognised condition by Dr Leo Kanner in the United States in 1943.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BG4EZAGHNVHS5I5ST7OQKACFUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156169},"content":"So, too, have discredited theories behind the cause of the condition, such as “refrigerator” or emotionally cold mothers and, more recently, Andrew Wakefield’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/mmr-vaccine-in-the-dock-verdict-not-guilty-1.1089405\" target=\"_blank\">unfounded claims</a> of a link with the MMR vaccine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KDNXRZTERJEGRKEFE47EOFBFIE","additional_properties":{"_id":"LZVDUNHEIFHELEJ73QUJVMURXE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SCIVI7OWVJCQXFXM57UGN3QIFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797992},"content":"Most experts today agree that the exponential rise is chiefly down to greater awareness, deeper understanding of the condition and ever-wider assessment boundaries for autism.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CE4OHITBVVAFJF6CUW4JVJTB7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156172},"content":"“There is absolutely no evidence to suggest there is an epidemic of autism,” says Prof Emer Ring, dean of education at Mary Immaculate College in Limerick and author of a recent book on the development of special education in Ireland over the past 100 years. “It’s a no-brainer that as you broaden diagnostic criteria you will have more children with autism.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5VXE67ZPOZGO5COU3O2U2YY5DE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797995},"content":"Some of the confusion around autism is undoubtedly linked to the complexity of the condition.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7OIS6PC25DPFFZ3DA7IURR6YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839535},"content":"There is no medical test or biological marker for autism. Today, it is regarded as a developmental disability which influences how a person communicates with and relates to other people and how they make sense of the world. It is also regarded as a spectrum condition, as it affects people in different ways and to varying degrees.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NFURHU5CSNGYVOACHJQVNEZCXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797996},"content":"Prof Malcolm MacLachlan of Maynooth University, who had studied the prevalence of autism in the Republic, agrees that changes in the criteria used to diagnose a person are key to the increased prevalence of autism.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PQRE542UKVHMBKZQOZU4KREOYU","additional_properties":{"_id":"2YFVYFFXC5H7XAIEH45QSUMW5E"},"content":"I received an autism diagnosis at 34 and sat quietly with it in some discomfort","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"7MBY2UOQNVAKPNTUX3AMWW6FDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797997},"content":"Asperger’s syndrome, for example, was removed as a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — often referred to as “psychiatry’s bible” — in 2013 and has been integrated into a broader diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBXVPKXV4JHP3OB7ZBAJNUZNNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797998},"content":"“There used to be ridiculously strict criteria,” MacLachlan says. “For instance, it used to be that you had to have detected autism before the 30th month of life — now you can detect it at any time. There’s also now a move away from ‘you have it or you don’t’ categories to a more dimensional approach that allows people to have more ‘severe’ or less ‘severe’ behaviours or experiences.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOHZV5HLHZFYDOI4GEWLKJKMC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797999},"content":"Shifting boundaries encompass a wide range of people for whom autism would never have been considered as a possible diagnosis, especially women and girls. The consequent awareness has led to large numbers of adults seeking medical referrals to explain differences they may have been aware of since childhood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LPUBDBJ3FBZ3BEFC7ZEFXITOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454798001},"content":"Another factor, say many, is the neurodiversity movement of the late 1990s and early 2000s, which drove huge changes in identification, fighting stigma and redefining autism as an identity rather than a disease.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NLGT7OV3AVD3BFNKM2PX4THSYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454798002},"content":"More controversial, meanwhile, is a belief that a diagnosis can unlock access to improved services or supports. A government report in 2018 on autism prevalence pointed out that, in many countries — including Ireland — a diagnosis of autism gives children greater access to a special school or special class.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5OCTP722TZAN5PUKYD6B33COV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732027402343},"content":"“This benefit makes clinicians more likely to diagnose a child with autism, even those who are on the borderline of the clinical criteria,” the report notes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T45DC7H35KYIPIMTVM3L3LMQAM","additional_properties":{"_id":"6MPH2LIIJ5FHZFKWGOJKZ46SZI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"2BTIZB3NKFAS7MPOR3KFIQ73A4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839543},"content":"For campaigners, the increase in prevalence is a positive development. <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adam-harris/\" target=\"_blank\">Adam Harris</a>, chief executive of autism charity AsIAm, says a diagnosis is “vital to self-understanding, self-esteem and self-advocacy and enables an autistic person and their family to understand their support needs and have their rights vindicated by government and broader society.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVK27STIDVAYNCAEVO4ECY3Z44","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839544},"content":"“It is clear that increased diagnosis of autism must lead to increased funding and more effective forward planning for autism-specific services,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYDI6PGYZRA6XLF7BJYN3TWQRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839545},"content":"The dramatic increase in autism begs another question: where were all these children in the classroom of days gone by? Some were segregated within the system, institutionalised or, at worst, classed “ineducable”; others simply had different labels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BEL4OCLXW5ATFC62NRGWFR6LUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156187},"content":"Ring points to the work of Dorothy Bishop, a prominent British psychologist, whose research has examined how in adulthood some individuals with language problems were retrospectively found to have shown signs of autism as children, even if they were not diagnosed at the time. Her work, says Ring, highlights the complexity and variability in diagnosing autism, especially in individuals with subtle symptoms.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EOTWFVFAFVCP5D746GUZVS52IU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440294},"content":"As for the underlying causes of autism, there is growing evidence which suggests that certain genes contribute to it. Autism can run in families and experts have put its “heritability” at about <a href=\"https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/2737582\">80 per cent</a>, or about as heritable as height or eye colour. The condition may also be explained by rare but powerful mutations that occur at random and are unrelated to genes that run in families. There is less convincing evidence around other risk factors, such as low birth weight or older parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7V7NW4FKYVEX3B3QFD4F6BHG7E","additional_properties":{"_id":"5PHYWF2KWJBLVCZJZ5PSJV3H5U"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"TPVXOJC5VNENLARVL5JJJVFNNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440295},"content":"What is certain, however, is that rates are rising, which will have profound implications for how the State meets the needs of young people, especially, in education and health services.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLRZBPOH7VF3NDT7NLBRAZFQ3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440296},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/health-service-executive/\" target=\"_blank\">Health Service Executive</a> services, however, are creaking. Under the Disability Act (2005), health authorities are required to complete an assessment of a child within six months.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XE4IXJ42W5FOLJAPEPAYYITRUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440297},"content":"Yet, according to records obtained by The Irish Times, there are about 13,000 children with disabilities waiting for an “initial contact” — which can be anything from a phone call explaining services or setting agreed goals — by health services. Of these, more than 9,000 — or two out of three — are waiting for more than 12 months.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PCRXOJ2GOVCRLJ4DCNRN4RG3IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440298},"content":"Parents, professionals and other stakeholders say that in many cases children are waiting several years for any meaningful contact. Yet, experts agree early intervention is vital to securing positive outcomes for children during their preschool and early-school years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"INYSWLAU2NFNLM7FOVVRB6YCQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440299},"content":"MacLachlan says long waits for access to vital therapeutic services can have “catastrophic” long-term consequences for children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EYPNZTJG3VGYHP3LZN6NYXXRVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440300},"content":"“If a child is going through a critical developmental period and they don’t get the right critical interventions, the consequences may not just be a delay in that developmental stage, it may be a long-term loss of opportunity to develop particular skills,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EOGLELDZMFCL5IYXYRIJCZZTP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440301},"content":"Education services, too, are struggling. In the last five years alone, almost 1,700 special classes have been opened and eleven new special schools opened. Yet, many parents are unable to find appropriate school places — such as special classes or schools — to meet their children’s assessed needs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"45UUDACOWVH6HNAOQUNESAMG3I","additional_properties":{"_id":"GALOY5M255EWPJZQG3Z62WJKJI"},"content":"‘I believe my nephew may have ADHD or autism, but his parents won’t discuss it’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"27KZJHR3WBERZF4JFSPPVNUNBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440302},"content":"Latest figures show there are more than 8,000 children enrolled in special schools and a further 11,000 pupils in special classes in mainstream schools, or 3 per cent of the overall student population. This is projected to climb to 5 per cent by the end of this decade, based on current trends.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5PDP6C4WFRBHLK3K3BRJCF3EPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440303},"content":"Harris says the next government must take decisive actions to support the autistic community.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SK4NVJMY7JCMZNQQRHJARQ7MMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440304},"content":"“Autistic people continue to face pervasive barriers in day-to-day life in Ireland, from receiving timely assessment and therapeutic support to accessing school, to participating in the community and securing employment,” he says. “The barriers which our community face place enormous costs on our community, which in turn impact on health and wellbeing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"32TKIRJD25CPVKTF6K62FAEZQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":"YKPKWMI7HFH7RH3QFS2XIECJCA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"JFV23GFPQNH7ROE27DDHSHXMXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440305},"content":"In the longer term, the National Council for Special Education has urged that we move towards a “fully inclusive” school system where all students — regardless of their conditions — would be educated in mainstream schools.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6JKAUTIHJD7NM2MYLS7K345OE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440306},"content":"The council says such a goal would involve significant challenges, such as reassuring parents of the benefits of an inclusive education system, increasing access to psychological and therapeutic supports and boosting training for teaching staff.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKMXDU5ZWFGRNPRCNAO7QUWCEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440307},"content":"Ring agrees that this is the way forward, especially a school system where therapeutic supports — such as speech and language therapy — are delivered in the school itself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S523OUFUYJEDFM2JW6S7Q6W6QY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440308},"content":"“Special education cannot advance in isolation,” she says. “It must be a key element of our education, health, social, culture and economic policy. We need all the organs of the State working together.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XASXR7D4VRHPBL2ARVKVNYDL5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440309},"content":"For now, it is a pipe dream. In Dublin 15, where pressure is most acute for appropriate school places, school principals would settle for basic supports.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HINFGU5HZDUBIMBZXAJTMDTTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440310},"content":"Principals across 37 primary schools in the area estimate that more than 100 children with autism and other conditions are struggling in their mainstream school placements.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QSYQNTRT6BGJPCHQC2BUANQUCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440311},"content":"“Without adequate supports, these placements will most likely negatively impact the wellbeing and mental health of these students, the health and safety to peers and school personnel and ultimately put the student’s school placement at risk,” a report prepared by the Dublin 15 Primary Principals’ Network states.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LIYCXY7D6JFHXA5W7K4AAURC7E","additional_properties":{"_id":"CVTHF3WS3FCY7H3ZPJAND5FKZ4"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"CV2UHEGGKFCS3HQNEHW2L6QU34","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440313},"content":"Ní Riain says while supports at her school have increased over recent years and great strides have been made, there are real challenges accessing therapeutic services which are vital to help vulnerable children reach their full potential.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TTK4YYCOUBC45JJFYWBYQYC4CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440314},"content":"“That’s a huge challenge,” she says. “When you have a student with complex needs, you can do all training you want, but it can be difficult to access outside support ... I spend a lot of my time tormenting parents, getting them to fill in the same forms for different services. You are looking at five-year waiting lists. Even where families have the opportunity to go private, there’s usually still a waiting list.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2DBGK6BJZVEQLHCWRAMOQY4CGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440315},"content":"If there were multidisciplinary teams linked up with schools, she says, it would be a far more efficient use of resources.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NIAKFDCLNVGATC6HH4CDVAJI7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440316},"content":"Ultimately, for all the talk about autism prevalence rates and diagnoses, it shouldn’t matter; she says services for children should be based on their individual needs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMTV4BGXZVG2VFFTHPELMHD5RE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440317},"content":"“If you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve only met one child with autism. Every learner is unique — all their needs are unique,” she says. “It’s very much about the relationship, getting to know the student. You do need to look beyond the disability or diagnosis. We’ve come a long way, with all children attending the same school [instead of being segregated]. That means the world to children and their parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4LFJOGUUQZDE3HJI3I3IZUPALU","additional_properties":{"_id":"U55ESH5BBFFV3IMAQVUMTSBELQ"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-9491","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Carl O'Brien"}},"name":"Carl O'Brien"}]},"description":{"basic":"As many as one in 20 schoolchildren in Ireland may have autism or similar developmental issues, studies suggest"},"display_date":"2024-11-24T06:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Autism: Why are so many children being diagnosed these days?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"UIMK45KN7ZAOBMRH2I7XHBA42E","auth":{"1":"d0486207e9f7573cc8e316a58e94d830d3c032d43f22492abff171fca08a400c"},"focal_point":{"x":4173,"y":1914},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/UIMK45KN7ZAOBMRH2I7XHBA42E.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/24/autism-why-are-so-many-children-being-diagnosed-these-days/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"3P54726FF5A25KJZHIFLCG7EPQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":996,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/6f043c9b-15f0-4cf3-a1da-686b6980f563/versions/1731408621/media/a1a38e6ee762738810be6cfcc230489d_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/23/cutting-off-family-members-it-had-never-occurred-to-me-that-you-could-grieve-somebody-who-was-still-alive/","content_elements":[{"_id":"S6Y32FX6ENAB7LM6H66UGN5UDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747152},"content":"When we think about romantic relationships becoming serious, we often focus on the joyful things: the excitement of moving in together, the fun of dreaming up your ideal wedding, the sense of peace and safety that comes with coming home to a loving partner every night. There are <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\">stressful things</a> too, of course. For Diane, meeting her husband was a life-changing experience, but there was one conversation that she dreaded having with her future mother-in-law: revealing that Diane had chosen to have no relationship with her father.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJUKIPXWGJAD5FWMDVOPVHHP54","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747153},"content":"For Diane, her parents’ relationship had been turbulent and she had little emotional connection to her father, who Diane felt was never interested in her as a person. When Diane’s parents separated when she was a teenager, she was allowed to choose whether or not to see him – and the choice was easy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3CR623MEL5A5XMOO34EE2P3IRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747154},"content":"“It sounds so mean to say, but one of the happiest memories I have is when he was out of the house,” says Diane, who is now 33. “I felt like I could finally breathe. So I decided that if I don’t have to see him, I don’t want to. ” Diane’s younger sister still sees their father, who has occasionally reached out to Diane over the years – but his attempts just made Diane feel more certain of her decision.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HBX3BEWW5RB57DDVJCEHJYN5YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747155},"content":"“He actually reached out before I got married,” says Diane. “He sent me an email, and that made it very easy for me to continue having no contact, because there was no change or recognition for the part he played, and why I decided to have no contact with him. There was a lot of anger and blame on my mom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2QSZDBQERZDGJK56GCYIT4H5TM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747156},"content":"Diane now works with students, many of whom are estranged from family members, and she thinks it’s important to share her story and her happiness with her decision, because she understands the shame and stigma that can come with family estrangement. The fear of being viewed as dysfunctional or somehow damaged for not having a relationship with a parent can run deep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBZKJCINRJGXDLQY4J7I6UBUAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747157},"content":"Growing up, Diane was acutely aware of the cultural scripts and stereotypes that can surround young women who don’t have a relationship with their fathers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPIXUYQKXVALBEILLYUALQCRWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747158},"content":"“I used to not talk about it, especially when I was bit younger, because there’s a whole idea of women without father figures, having daddy issues and then being like, maybe a bit promiscuous or ‘crazy’ – there’s a definite stereotype of a girl without a stable father figure in her life. So I used to be really tight-lipped about it, because I didn’t want to become that stereotype.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G2WZQAEMENA75LESBNS73LNJSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747159},"content":"As Diane had chosen not to see her father, she also feared being judged in a different way: as someone who viewed relationships as disposable. It was this fear of being perceived as flighty or commitment-phobic that made Diane nervous to speak to her partner’s mother about the situation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXKKSYQWPJHLLIJX7DHRGSNIZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747160},"content":"“I felt like I had to explain to her why I didn’t have a relationship with my dad, and that was that was the most nervous I ever felt about talking to someone about it,” says Diane, “because I didn’t want her to think that I’m someone who walks away from relationships really easily, or, you know, didn’t value fathers. I didn’t want her to feel nervous for her son if he was ever going to have a child with me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6RR635CEFDGJHIGGIOLWX5SFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747161},"content":"While Diane is now happily married with supportive in-laws, her experience of shame and stigma is common among people who have ended a relationship with a family member – though the silence around this topic may be lifting. While estrangements have always occurred in families, it was often unaddressed and unacknowledged, but there has recently been an increase in social discourse around family estrangement or the decision to go ‘no contact’ with a family member.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RLPJ2TY3UBBNDKZAYFOXCYXMBU","additional_properties":{"_id":"APPVK7LODFHQFNJMFKXEW4UHVM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"625EH7ZBMJFQNAHENCJLRAXUFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747162},"content":"Karl Melvin is a psychotherapist, researcher and author of the book Navigating Family Estrangement<i>. </i>He has spent more than a decade working with adults who are estranged from one or more family members and delivering training to counsellors and social workers who are seeking a comprehensive understanding of complex family issues. Melvin notes that in countries such as the United States where divorce has been legalised for decades, the awareness of alternative family structures has become socially acceptable, but Ireland is only beginning to acknowledge just how many people have chosen to have no relationship with a family member – though the shame and judgment can still persist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IXPAPSOCENEM7C7VLMTW2DFYTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747163},"content":"“We value family,” says Melvin. “Family is incredibly important to how we function, how we view ourselves and view our society. But then if you meet someone whose family status doesn’t conform to those traditional views and values, then it can lead to a person feeling stigmatised, or others treating that person differently. It takes a great deal of wisdom and maturity to be able to look past our own values and family experiences to see that this person made a decision based on something that probably must be very valid. I’ve never seen someone who initiated an estrangement for no reason.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLI2MMDMCVBHPHTHJRPTBSXHIE","additional_properties":{"_id":"3RXLSWB4ABHF3GUNECQDAUUTOY"},"content":"Ireland’s new dating scene: Finding love the old-fashioned way","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"27CEVSWLQRBOBAOL4PHAK2JLYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747164},"content":"Perhaps an insight into our increasing awareness around family estrangement lies in the modern term “no contact” – both a novelty and definitive boundary in an era where we are constantly contactable. Melvin describes different types of estrangement, including physical estrangement, where people live very far from each other and don’t see each other often. Before mobile phones and email, physical estrangement may have either led to or hidden emotional estrangement, as contact and connection was more difficult. However, now that mobiles, email and social media give us endless ways of connecting with family members, the decision to cut off all contact can be more obvious and noticeable – as is the lack of attempt at reconciliation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASARYIEH3NGJHDF3QSSCP7PMV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747165},"content":"Fiona is in her 50s and fell out with her brother several years ago, after he started sending insulting and belittling texts to her husband due to differing political beliefs. Fiona describes her brother as having a strong personality. He often made pointed or demeaning “jokes” about others, and he wasn’t used to being challenged or confronted about his hurtful behaviour. When Fiona pushed back, her brother deflected.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GBMLFDYNJBAGHMRM6PJHGTQ4UE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747166},"content":"“I got this Darvo thing they talk about now,” says Fiona, referring to a technique that people can use to avoid accountability. The acronym refers to the process of deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. “It was all thrown back at me. It was all my fault, and a litany of things that I had done wrong over the years. None of it is true. So I blocked him, and I have not heard from him or his wife for nearly three years, and we were all very close.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A2LHV2MM4FEC7GSGASOG57CZ5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"CH3AB2YLCVC6VKX54FSU3PWOR4"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"IZQQQARG4RECJL7FFWULJUEICY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747167},"content":"For Fiona, cutting off contact was not a decision she made lightly and, as she points out, it’s not a decision she made once, but an ongoing decision she makes again and again. Therapy has helped Fiona feel more comfortable in her decision, but she does sometimes wonder if the ease of blocking a mobile number prevented her from having a more helpful conversation with her brother.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZOXJPVFJBGZZI4GFYAXXN7KLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747168},"content":"“Cutting off contact is a very serious thing to do, and looking back on it now, I wonder if I should have picked the phone up instead of texting, and I should have had a row on the phone. I think texting and all of that has changed the way we connect and disconnect – you can have a row with somebody then block them, and it almost isn’t real.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HWSMPUE3OFCR3BSSXRKXXI4Y5I","additional_properties":{"_id":"L6WC2QI4JJDOPG4QFKMIEQK3CU"},"content":"‘I have not had contact with my siblings for many decades, nor did I attend my parents’ funerals’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HIGHXE3MAFCUHN6TXRNCIT7Z4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747169},"content":"But for Fiona, the deciding factor is that her brother hasn’t tried too hard to get in touch to apologise – something that is more noticeable because of the various avenues of communication available to all of us.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2A3VPPSYNDLJLRU7DMGE22PBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747170},"content":"“He could write me a letter,” Fiona says. “He knows where I work, and he could show up after work one day or send me an email. That’s just not good enough, you know?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EW2XD4QWGRHNNEMD7TKUD2MNJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747171},"content":"Fiona says that she experiences cycles of anger, sadness and grief, but the main feeling is loss – not just of her brother and his wife, who Fiona considered a friend, but also of her nephews and nieces.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WJUPEEH5YRG5VC4JATOYJ32IBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747172},"content":"“I have no children of my own, so I would have been very attached to their kids, and seen an awful lot of them when they were small.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IYWESNVZRNBNVFZ25LDBY3P5JM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747173},"content":"This type of secondary estrangement or inherited estrangement is an often overlooked experience, as going no contact with one person can often lead to losing contact with other family members or friends, which can be incredibly difficult for everyone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVNZM3SMLFFTFGGZR7HR6LE53M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747174},"content":"In Melvin’s book, he describes eight different types of estrangement, one of them being inherited estrangement. “We often see this where someone wasn’t talking to their parents, but that person has kids so those kids don’t have a relationship with their grandparents. They have inherited an estrangement, even though nothing happened between them and the grandparents. Secondary estrangements are quite common, and can often start between one or more family members, and then divisions are formed, and often people insist on loyalty on one side over another.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SFAV7WJRPVC3LMOEJ6M2ABVEIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747175},"content":"This type of inherited estrangement is why Amy has now had no contact with her sister for more than a year. Amy’s sister was saving to buy a house and decided to move back into the family home with her parents – without consulting them. When Amy’s sister arrived home with bags and boxes in tow, her parents wouldn’t let her move back in and a row erupted. Amy’s sister felt rejected and stopped speaking to her parents while they, feeling disrespected and taken for granted, felt that she was the one who needed to apologise. For a while, Amy tried to keep in touch with her sister, but her sister started creating more and more distance. “I think because I didn’t take a side, therefore I didn’t take her side,” says Amy. “Bit by bit, she stopped communicating with me, and will now not respond to me at all, which is quite hurtful.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXTDL4XXPNF6JJVWZBHWZXG5OE","additional_properties":{"_id":"DKXXXDJIABCNPAIYGBSHTEVBFY"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"WKLB635BEFADLIHDTQNPIITFRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747176},"content":"Amy tried to maintain contact, sending her sister texts here and there – but when Amy’s wedding day came, she felt that her relationship with her sister had reached a Rubicon moment. Her sister did not want to be in the same room as her parents, and so didn’t go to Amy’s wedding. For Amy, this was a huge moment where her sister showed that she was willing to sacrifice their relationship over a fight with her parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XJ2JCCMJINB6VD5TLDJZFSUYSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747177},"content":"“It was quite hard and quite stressful,” says Amy. “My grandmother passed away six months before the wedding, and my sister would have been still talking to me at that time and she was there for the funeral for my granny – but then it was, ‘Oh no, I can’t come to your wedding.’ For me that was a very clear signal as to where the priority was, like ‘you clearly valued my grandmother more than you value your relationship with me’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PAMSODKBMNDVJFP5WBHWIFEHJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747178},"content":"Amy has a complicated relationship with the current rise in rhetoric around people going no contact, saying she understands and respects anyone’s decision to create boundaries with people who aren’t good for them, but also points out how binary narratives can create reductive ideas of villains and victims, where it’s assumed that if someone has cut off contact with family members, then their families must be irredeemable or have treated them terribly, when often there are two sides who have hurt the other – and other family members who have just become collateral damage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WIPYI52NYFEKLPUMAQEGCPJL4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747179},"content":"“It definitely feels like there’s a good-versus-bad narrative, and ideas of victimhood,” observes Amy. “And it’s maybe not fair on the people involved. You’re not seeing like a whole person and acknowledging that sometimes, it works both ways. ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZEUEIOEJGZDZVNKDMG7ZAEOSWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747180},"content":"For Ben, binary narratives affected him differently when he went no contact with his brother for more than a year. Ben’s brother Adam had a difficult and emotionally abusive relationship with a woman during his 20s that deeply affected him . But when Adam started dating other women, Ben was alarmed by what he saw as controlling behaviour, including harassing ex-girlfriends and concocting elaborate lies to manipulate women into staying with him. Ben tried his best to provide Adam with emotional support while also telling him that his behaviour was unacceptable, believing that his brother needed <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\">mental health</a> support and to healthily process how his past relationship affected him. But when Adam showed no self-awareness or change in behaviour, Ben eventually felt he had no choice but to step away from the relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZEMD72MU5B75FEH4OBNPWPZAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747181},"content":"What was difficult for Ben was the sense of blame that he felt for being the disrupter in the family, when Adam’s behaviour was the problem. When society at large and individual families value loyalty over everything else, the person who tries to set boundaries or cuts off contact can often be framed as the troublemaker who is disrupting the family’s peace – an attitude that Ben thinks is particularly pronounced in Ireland, given the country’s history of religious and traditional values.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NT2AMVHVVNBVHPEUKVHDUH5GVE","additional_properties":{"_id":"7KQ2YBSHVFCRXLEVEKF7TYWNQ4"},"content":"Can cutting ties with dysfunctional family members be therapeutic?","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5JJGM5NEG5ETRPTIVZY6OL3AMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747182},"content":"“The family stuff runs really deep,” says Ben, “We internalise the notion of a family. It’s all about family loyalty, family reconciliation. But what happens when you have to be the conscientious objector? That’s how it was framed, that I was the one causing trouble. How? I’m not harassing anybody! My parents would get very guilt-trippy and like ‘We’re old, my heart could go at any point.’ I’m not the one doing anything wrong, but they’ll do anything for a quiet life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW2SHJONINGEZNPEFM4UI752II","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747183},"content":"When families don’t address problematic behaviour or blame those who decide to go no contact with others, it places a burden on the family member who is simply asking for respectful behaviour and accountability, but is treated as the villain. “Your reward is being the outsider,” remarks Ben.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJS4EJVZV5HL5G2ITEDO7WWNRY","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q5PUAPZABVH23N4BKYH6ODLJGM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"ARCZHLXZXFAJ3H3F2RRI4NAB7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747184},"content":"Reconnecting after estrangement can be difficult, but is not impossible. Family therapy can be helpful; having boundaried communication or going “low contact”; or sometimes individual therapy can help individuals come to terms with their relative’s shortcomings and forge a different type of connection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WP7U7G3DQ5EUZAWMAYDIBPWRJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747185},"content":"Corina now lives in Ireland, but emigrated from eastern Europe to America with her mother when she was young. Her parents had broken up when she was five and she was always very close with her mother, but when Corina became a teenager and started asserting her independence, her mother couldn’t cope. Corina’s mother is very religious and when Corina moved away for college and later started dating a woman, her mother would send her long, abusive messages and intensely monitor Corina’s social media. Corina went through periods of going low contact with the mother, blocking her messages for a period just for a reprieve.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G5PH7LCR7RHPDIRBCN65VIDX2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747186},"content":"What made it difficult was that her mother could sometimes be loving and supportive – but the inconsistency meant that her affection didn’t feel safe to trust.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IAWPCIP33ZEZVPUXN62C2ILVKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747187},"content":"“The kindness was the hardest,” says Corina. “It would touch some hope in me about having this relationship with her. When I grieved losing her, I grieved a mother I never had. It had never occurred to me that you could grieve somebody who was still alive. That’s one of the hardest things for people who are in this situation, is that it’s not a socially recognised form of grief.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AEFIIAVS3ZGZPKG4YYFRCXXVGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747188},"content":"Over the past few years, Corina has got back in touch with her mother, something that she says has only been possible due to a lot of therapy, acceptance and other loving relationships that bring her joy and validation. There is more distance and boundaries there, but it is a relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SLHPJYODEFBPTFI564Z2RYTFHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747189},"content":"","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5BH52EDIFAHXL66QEOCYYVXYI","additional_properties":{"_id":"ESTY3VE52RBWLDBU5IWQBQ4DPY"},"content":"Just one family member can throw restrained harmony into disarray","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"B7AQMOIR7VCBDLID32YJXE65TY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747190},"content":"For people who have experienced estrangement, support is available. Melvin’s book offers practical and emotional advice for dealing with estrangement, and the US-based non-profit Together Estranged offers resources and online support groups. While there can be a lot of loss and grief around estrangement, for some people it can a very empowering decision that may not be easy but should be recognised as an important choice for them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCA3FZYT2BGGPFRIFGWUZWADPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747191},"content":"For Diane, she wishes that growing up, she had more people who supported her. “You’re not less of a person because you have decided to have no relationship with a family member,” she says. “I think that takes a lot of courage and guts and a recognition of your boundaries. I really wish more people, you know, maybe said to me, ‘Good on you.’ I wish more people, maybe even if they don’t understand it, or haven’t had that experience, would be able to say ‘I think that what you’re doing is good for you right now, and fair play.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YREU3SI4ZBET5NZOQMAKOKMJP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747192},"content":"* Some names have been changed.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Roe McDermott"}},"name":"Roe McDermott"}]},"description":{"basic":"In an age of constant communication, the decision to go ‘no contact’ with a family member is more noticeable, but there is still sometimes too much societal judgement of those who take such a serious decision"},"display_date":"2024-11-23T05:55:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Cutting off family members: ‘It had never occurred to me that you could grieve somebody who was still alive’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"3AX6GYTHVFDJHI4REDRE77FJX4","auth":{"1":"fab3601816aa885f38edb889ee30af26c661dd355291062b7d6154b160874af2"},"focal_point":{"x":4105,"y":1195},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/3AX6GYTHVFDJHI4REDRE77FJX4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"People"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/23/cutting-off-family-members-it-had-never-occurred-to-me-that-you-could-grieve-somebody-who-was-still-alive/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/life-style/people","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"People"}}}},{"_id":"5RNI6PSF5NCJFDQMAAGAMAAK2E","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/black-paddy-i-want-to-teach-my-children-self-acceptance-and-to-love-the-colour-of-their-skin/","content_elements":[{"_id":"QKR5UD2BNVAWBE4SZGWBFBJODU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633080},"content":"Black Paddy, the content creator and MC has a couple of different aliases, Fabio David and Fabu D, being two. But the social media star, whose funny viral videos have made him a household name, has another alias also. He’s daddy to his five year old son and three year old daughter. “Amazing, beautiful kids”, he explains. But he has a new found appreciation of what his mother experienced raising him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DQ5ABDVGD5DUFORZDJYLT7OS2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633081},"content":"“You kind of get to a stage of like ‘wow, was this the way I was when I was younger? Oh my God I feel so sorry for me ma”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PXQ5HCQGOZCHLPKXSSBHEMJ5II","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633082},"content":"In the latest episode of Conversations with Parents, Black Paddy speaks to Jen Hogan about parenting energetic children, and how having a public profile can make it more difficult to manage anxiety-inducing, children’s antics when he’s out and about.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VUWUCESXERBSNPRZNL2HLX7CDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633083},"content":"He discusses trying to have a different relationship with his children to the one he had with his own dad, who sadly died when Black Paddy was only fourteen years old. A complicated grief followed the death of his father and he explains this, and shares details of his background, with Jen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WCCRW7GCCZBXRBUXTVM6MOTH7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633084},"content":"Black Paddy also discusses his time of heavy alcohol and drug use, promiscuity (“I’d be riding one girl every night”, he says), and homelessness. And he shares how becoming a father forced him to turn his life around. He opens up on the reality of living in the same house, and co-parenting with his children’s mother, even though they’re not a couple anymore. “It’s been hard”, he admits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SOYT53JJLFCSBE4CEEJ35A4RO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633085},"content":"Racism is something Black Paddy has experienced both online, and in person. He discusses the sort of things he has had to deal with, shares how he copes, and shares how he prepares his children for dealing with it in the future. “You are beautiful the way you are”, he tells them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X65TPPV5EJA4REYXRKHRWZJDDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633086},"content":"Plus, he explains why he has, so far, chosen not to feature his children on his social media videos, talks about the reality of being famous, and offers his take on some modern parenting phenomena.","type":"text"},{"_id":"P3OE4QOAHNCTXBYJPVINOXFVIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633087},"content":"You can listen to Jen’s conversation with Black Paddy on the player above. Or listen to Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"64T7P6EPCZAT7NA5UZLQ75S3MA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633088},"content":"And, if you’d like to get in touch with the show, please email <a href=\"mailto:parentspod@irishtimes.com\">parentspod@irishtimes.com</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-19T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Black Paddy: ‘I want to teach my children self-acceptance and to love the colour of their skin’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"3JUQZ4HZIJH6DNA543SNI7ZUIE","auth":{"1":"c84c61aca3a7f24327475eeb9eca409d5bc14c5ab5c8538d85062d16424a4ed7"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/3JUQZ4HZIJH6DNA543SNI7ZUIE.jpeg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":1634.165333,"episodeTitle":"","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/673b618f9f81126104543724.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/black-paddy-i-want-to-teach-my-children-self-acceptance-and-to-love-the-colour-of-their-skin/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"YLY3YUPDSVDQBMIWNFBPPHQTSM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":369,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/056ce13e-d0ff-4a8b-a242-f597f1bf95c2/versions/1731501886/media/d07d828a0c1c7dc2db3e2391d9a1518b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/19/its-not-parenthood-that-i-regret-its-the-sheer-lack-of-support-parents-get-from-government/","content_elements":[{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"YN3CNWD5Q5H3DGR4U264OYWIPE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"FNKFXKGPMZEOLGSX7FLZC6RBD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101522},"content":"Recently, our Parenting Taboos series looked at what is perhaps the most unacceptable of all <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenting</a> taboos – <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/\">regretting your decision to become a parent</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZQ4IUUKKYFE7BBOLF3FVKPMNB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101523},"content":"In the article, we spoke to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> about why they felt this way, and whether they might do things differently, given their time again. Many readers got in touch to share their views on the issue.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3QFJ6XOA7JGBDG26WIS4AS5M7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207768},"content":"Here is a selection of the responses we received.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMGP5RKWGJDTZNOIQLH3KUOWUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207769},"content":"‘I can’t be the parent I know I could have been’","type":"header"},{"_id":"TMGP5RKWGJDTZNOIQLH3KUOWUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207772},"content":"<i>Russell, Co Wicklow</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"6L3CXW3ECNE6HDGSQMYCFF63NQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101524},"content":"It’s not parenthood that I regret. It’s the sheer lack of support parents get from government. It’s the fact that, in entering the paid workforce in huge numbers, the laws of supply and demand have determined that two people now need to work to sustain a family, where previously it was far more possible with one single average income earner.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYWWTAK7YZAG7IQ4YMZIK4S7PA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207771},"content":"If men had left the paid workforce in the same numbers as women entered it, it would have been fabulous. Social fabric would have prevailed. To add to the strain, many of us have begun families a decade later than our parents did, because we didn’t have the financial means to do so when we were the age they were when they started. The hardest thing about being a parent now, for me, is being unavailable to my children because I have to work so hard to feed and clothe them. And the constant strain that both of us are under as relatively older parents working in relatively low-paid sectors, without younger grandparents to lend hands-on support, and without financial assistance from the government in the form of childcare or other supports, creates a breeding ground (pardon the pun) for stress-induced bickering and discord and near-constant exhaustion and sleep deprivation, which makes you feel even more s**t as a parent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMGP5RKWGJDTZNOIQLH3KUOWUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207772},"content":"Not to mention trying to maintain the inhumane pace of work and household management in the information age. The regret is that I can’t be the parent I know I could have been, if I wasn’t working myself into an early grave in the attempt to support my kids.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYSFETOB4NEZPFFG2CVU4RV46Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207773},"content":"‘Feminism let me down’","type":"header"},{"_id":"WKA4GULAWVBKRAXGBKYHBSZK3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101527},"content":"<i>Fergus, Co Galway</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"CUULFMOENFBKJJAQPQNWM2EBOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101525},"content":"I was one of the ones, male, that listened to feminism and what it was going to do for women. What I myself took from it that women – many – might not want or never have children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMAENOEXXNEWFDH6LKTNT45ZHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101526},"content":"I married in the early 1980s. Had I discussed all this with my new wife? I think not. But as the marriage went on, I was aware that she would want children. I still didn’t. My viewpoint or vision, if one might call it that, was the two of us being so besotted with each other, that children would be a hindrance.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WKA4GULAWVBKRAXGBKYHBSZK3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101527},"content":"After a few years, the marriage went by the boards. The one I felt sorry for was her, and this idea that feminism threw at us that women would not be interested in bearing children. I, for one, feel that feminism let me down, dragging me on a course I should never have gone down. I, of course, subsequently, did do further reading on it all – the fact that women biologically would like or seek motherhood. It was not allowed for at all by those early feminists. So, there it lay. I still see very “young” mothers, presumably quite content with their new baby 40 years later.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QKFQX7LB4ZDJNKPHKWXB3WJGBU","additional_properties":{"_id":"EQZEKJHUFJHWNHMRYB5HUGWUEI"},"content":"Childfree by choice: ‘There’s a narrative that your life is either Sex and the City glamour or cat lady’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"AQUPZTXQTVFGBBPW6NFK3YKKRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731574943766},"content":"‘Looking forward to meeting my grandkids’","type":"header"},{"_id":"AQUPZTXQTVFGBBPW6NFK3YKKRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731574943767},"content":"<i>Brian, Cork</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"AQUPZTXQTVFGBBPW6NFK3YKKRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731574943767},"content":"I am a separated/divorced father of two, boy/girl kids, who are now 27 and 30 years old. I lived 16 miles away from them and I drove that road two to three times a week for 20 years to be with them and to try and stay close. They were never driven the other way to see me. I made all the effort and was happy to do that. I still love my kids and never regretted being their dad. My regret is not seeing them every day of their lives growing up. That left a void. Looking forward to meeting my grandkids some time soon.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WP34FGZPR5AFVAQNUIRSX6PQME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101530},"content":"‘A source of pleasure and pride’","type":"header"},{"_id":"WP34FGZPR5AFVAQNUIRSX6PQME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101530},"content":"<i>John, south of France</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"WP34FGZPR5AFVAQNUIRSX6PQME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101530},"content":"I have one daughter. She has never been anything but a source of pleasure and pride to me and her late mother. It’s all a matter of nature and nurture, our children are to a large degree what we made them. Those that are unhappy with the way their children turned out need a long look in the mirror.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GGCBOPKFJNDYXGX55HZ5JW4224","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101531},"content":"‘Easy enough to navigate’","type":"header"},{"_id":"GGCBOPKFJNDYXGX55HZ5JW4224","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101531},"content":"<i>Linda, Dublin</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"GGCBOPKFJNDYXGX55HZ5JW4224","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101531},"content":"I’m the opposite. As a mother of two in their early 20s and still living at home, I find/found being a parent easy enough to navigate. When I’m with women and the subject of difficulties around parenting come up, I listen but don’t say much. I’m concerned about appearing as though I want to sell myself as the glossy magazine idea of the perfect mother – which I am definitely not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFFQYRLOINE4PLLN5XHVNPY7SU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101533},"content":"‘I’m quite fond of the childless cat ladies’","type":"header"},{"_id":"DFUUJPYE7JFZNKTA3MSKMBEH5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101534},"content":"<i>Desmond, Co Dublin</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"HLKYTLLZAVC5DGYRGCDNJQE27Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101532},"content":"I don’t have children. It wasn’t deliberately planned that way, just the forces of circumstances (and perhaps, in our case, medical incompetence and neglect). But I certainly don’t regret not having offspring now. There are enough people in the world as it is, after all; and enough strained intergenerational parent/adult child relationships to go around. It’s also less responsibility for me, with the bonus that I can get to feel good about it by dressing it up as concern for the distribution of the planet’s dwindling resources. Besides, the urge to replicate one’s genes is an impulse I have never really understood. If it happened, it happened: it didn’t.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFFQYRLOINE4PLLN5XHVNPY7SU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101533},"content":"There still exists, however, considerable familial and societal pressure to reproduce, particularly for women. This is wrong. It should be a choice freely undertaken. Personally, I’m quite fond of the “childless cat ladies”. I’m not sure if the feeling is reciprocated.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DFUUJPYE7JFZNKTA3MSKMBEH5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101534},"content":"Beckett called all parents criminals, and even non-poetry lovers can quote Philip Larkin’s famous This Be The Verse by heart. Both were childless, by choice. Today they would be referred to as “happily child free”. Or unhappily, as the case may be – though not necessarily because they were ‘without issue’. To each his, or her, own.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Our recent article on the topic of regretting parenthood sparked numerous responses. Below, we share a selection of the views we received"},"display_date":"2024-11-19T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘The hardest thing about being a parent is being unavailable to my kids because I have to work so hard to feed and clothe them’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5YIUXPG6YJBQ7M7T4JW7EORS4Y","auth":{"1":"5c5da842b0f6175df5e1ee9b29f416a403321e335795a56dbcc0fc6bb0770278"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5YIUXPG6YJBQ7M7T4JW7EORS4Y.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/19/its-not-parenthood-that-i-regret-its-the-sheer-lack-of-support-parents-get-from-government/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"WKO26MQUDNEA3ISSZNGO4UHJLY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":297,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/9d7264ad-2f14-49d5-9ee8-4279861e6881/versions/1731422682/media/9713bdb864af251c4f692a2df43e3a34_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/18/i-believe-my-nephew-may-have-adhd-or-autism-but-his-parents-wont-discuss-or-explore-it-in-any-way/","content_elements":[{"_id":"SVJMPFYXCVHJRBJHRD4CMRZTHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765332},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"PNASI5KIWBAZ3DKS27QY53U3LI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765333},"content":"<b>My brother and his wife have a five-year-old son with significant sensory communication and emotional needs. I work as a teacher, and I’m inferring that he might have </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adhd/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder)</b></a><b> or </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>autism</b></a><b>. When he comes for a visit, or to family events, he can’t communicate and often has meltdowns.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"L5EQOGNDRRACRNH4YCSFYOXA54","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611519},"content":"<b>However, his parents are not willing to accept, discuss, explore or in any way receive support from family. His mum, in particular, is very defensive and narcissistic. She won’t admit anything is wrong and is paranoid about anything we suggest to help. All images she puts on social networks are picture-perfect, and we believe they are in strict denial in order to save face. In fact, they have almost stopped coming to family events and they have effectively moved away to “hide” their reality.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"BALFD4H2ANBDNDKXOEIX5C4ENA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611520},"content":"<b>When we do rarely meet up, nobody is allowed to discuss their son for fear they’ll never return to visit us. Even my brother who I used to get on with has pulled away and won’t talk to me about it.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"QKMVBHNXIBF3LACG4FZ7WRMOYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611521},"content":"<b>Meantime, my nephew continues to struggle without recognition or support that he needs, which I think is terrible.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FEB5RD5CRVCTZDON3JCKIN6IIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765334},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"IZBOJI6GMFFMLMUSRPJXMPNSPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765335},"content":"I think your question highlights a lot of complicated family dynamics. It is hard as an aunty to see your nephew struggling and to feel powerless and not be able to help. It is also hard to feel you are losing your relationship with your brother (and your nephew) over what is happening. Even though you have good intentions to help, be careful about coming across as judgmental towards your brother and his wife. Thinking about his wife as “narcissistic” or “paranoid” (even if you don’t use these words out loud to her) will likely mean your communication is imbued with judgment and criticism. This will likely increase her being defensive and make it more likely that they cut off from you or refuse your help.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JP7VKMHMSZEJNAQWJMFAIQ543I","additional_properties":{"_id":"RGWQHN7MMJGJNFUJIANNCKK5SQ"},"content":"Matt Haig: ‘ADHD and autism has helped me be more compassionate to myself, but I am not being defined by it’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HT3CHM5TI5DZVGMBWW4IZ463HE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765336},"content":"In trying to help, it is important to be compassionate and understanding of what your brother and his wife are going through and to respect the way they are trying to deal with things. It is quite likely that they are under great stress and struggling, but might find it hard to face this and to get support. When raising a child with additional needs, many parents don’t immediately face up to what they are dealing with, and it can take them some time before they are ready to seek outside assessment and support.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUEQRNZM6JHF5E4MF7D2C6BKMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611525},"content":"While you might think it is “urgent” that they seek assessment for their son, it is much more important that this is done in the right way, when his parents are ready. Once he starts school, his teacher will be able to give feedback on his progress and encourage assessment if needed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QFG6CXWYKJHXTLY5FFP2BFGHEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765337},"content":"When dealing with challenges, many families “batten down the hatches” and focus on their nuclear family as they try to find a way to cope. Often this is motivated by a desire to protect their child. Specifically, many young neurodivergent children find extended family social events very stressful, which is communicated through distressing meltdowns.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U4VLBEEZZZDTDG2RORWOGESFSM","additional_properties":{"_id":"I7WK3MO6CRHJPFRBNENMDH5TK4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NOOMNR64J5HQ7NKLUOLP4PK4TM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611527},"content":"A natural parenting response is to reduce a child’s exposure to these events until they can better cope, especially if they perceive extended family are judging them. It is also perfectly understandable that they might present a positive image on social media and be very private about their struggles. As an aunt you don’t automatically have the right to be your brother’s confidant about his child – you have to earn this right by building a trusting relationship with him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GJCVKQUZPZERZPSFVTXMOCCF44","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765338},"content":"When they visit, it is important to listen and be supportive, but don’t see it as your role to “raise issues” or to provide advice about their son. If there are challenges such as meltdowns, be careful about jumping in, and instead ask them what support they would like or how you can be helpful. In addition, it might be useful to change the circumstances of the visit. For example, maybe a large family event is too much and maybe a smaller gathering might be easier. Maybe outdoors situations might work better than indoors.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFA3QUT2SJEODMFJQS4DSW24N4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QY7XVZSUWZDB5ESSFEMG5U5JNA"},"content":"A strengths-based approach to raising autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OUYW2CXD4VCPNG372BLUHQDHEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765339},"content":"As a first step, it might be useful to reach out to your brother to meet up. If it helps, you can say that you feel things have been “off” between the two of you recently and you are looking to “reset”. Don’t use the meeting to seek to provide advice about his son, and instead just focus on listening to build a connection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LWPOIH6ISVGTXDDYPOLRQWMDJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611530},"content":"Acknowledge how hard it might be raising a spirited little boy and ask him whether there is anything you can do to help. For example, he might appreciate practical help such as you taking his son for a few hours to give him and his wife a break. This will give you a chance to build your relationship and increase trust with your brother so you can be a true resource to your nephew.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DS7GXLWA7NA65N62G767TLOGVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611531},"content":"It is important to be patient and to wait for your brother to come to you to ask for your support and advice.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4OA5PLD7JHHVETZAGSBOPSZAQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"S42BNJR4BRACBOXZ3TLGWQRMLI","additional_properties":{"_id":"ENFQODSYHREGVBFCQRQKVN5BWE"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: When we do rarely meet up, nobody is allowed to discuss my brother’s son for fear the family will never return to visit us. How to approach this?"},"display_date":"2024-11-18T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I believe my nephew may have ADHD or autism, but his parents won’t discuss it’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"7LMUF4Q26BDT3NNXAK6GSH7BSY","auth":{"1":"55bd459e4a7258b6c4d11957ed93c71f6a6aadcea1fc8039cd5bdab6f7171407"},"focal_point":{"x":1522,"y":773},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/7LMUF4Q26BDT3NNXAK6GSH7BSY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/18/i-believe-my-nephew-may-have-adhd-or-autism-but-his-parents-wont-discuss-or-explore-it-in-any-way/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"TCYFI6ICYFCMLM3Y6IUUZCUJIA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":506,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/c9dc0a4d-4a4c-4e56-aacd-2af500d7cb7b/versions/1731346435/media/a2c32178c0795e3ce3e8a0dda7fb70b4_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/16/you-can-see-the-difference-definitely-finnish-approach-to-preschool-childcare-paying-dividends-in-cork/","content_elements":[{"_id":"KRELIQNQDBFQHAUPI2ZLARRMMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698086},"content":"There is no shortage of people in the sector who believe <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/\" target=\"_blank\">Ireland</a> could do with emulating aspects, or all, of Finland’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/childcare/\" target=\"_blank\">early-education and childcare system</a> but when she first arrived in Ireland just over a decade ago, Minna Murphy’s ambitions on that front were modest enough.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IY42HKMOJVD4HG4JRS4BXFOB44","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698087},"content":"Murphy hails from close to Helsinki and moved from <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/finland/\" target=\"_blank\">Finland</a> with her Irish husband, John, to his family farm in Kildinan, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cork/\" target=\"_blank\">Cork</a>, in 2013 with the intention of opening a small preschool service. She didn’t know much about how the Irish system before she got here but worked for a spell in the UK where she found the approach “horrible”; all about “ticking boxes”, she suggests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JFEWUGTNKZANRDYRKNTY4GC3BY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247291},"content":"The farm setting, she recalls, was central to her plan, offering the sort of opportunity for outdoor play that few services here really can. At the time, though, she says just persuading parents their kids should be spending a lot more of their time out in the elements was initially a challenge. A decade on, she reckons, it’s one of the key reasons they keep coming. “Parents understand it now and some come from a long way to have their children here,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E5LS66366NEFZC3G2XSKON5V2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247292},"content":"Finland’s system is about far more than getting out in the fresh air, of course. In the mid-1980s the country formally recognised early education as a child’s right. From the start of the 1990s, every child was entitled to a place in a municipally funded facility.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LOZ2RXZ5F5BNZAEC7T5AYZ2XSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"FSH4FAPCWZEJZDQQIPGCFMJSKM"},"content":"Ireland’s childcare cost crisis: ‘My friends in Finland pay €150 per month for creche. My husband and I pay €1,100′","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"W6X4NIJEFVANRIQUQN32EI24G4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247293},"content":"“They have a rights-based approach to early childhood education and care,” says Dr Sheila Garrity, lecturer in early childhood studies at the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/university-of-galway/\" target=\"_blank\">University of Galway</a>’s school of education. “They see the child as a valuable citizen in their own right. And that being their starting point has allowed them to create a high-quality service that meets the various needs of children, a play-based curriculum that responds to the individual circumstances of each child and involves strong relationships with families.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VDZNBZFUN5AAVCZWZGFS5LCNLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247294},"content":"“We talk about childcare fees being too expensive, stopping parents from working,” she says. That’s our lens whereas the Finnish lens, the Nordic lens, is a child’s right to an enriching early-learning experience.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5WEKDBZGVFHEXJMZZUCQWQBFUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247295},"content":"The upshot is a central system in which every child is entitled to, and guaranteed, a place in early childhood education and care, local authorities are the heart of providing or funding it, and parents usually pay between €30 and just over €311 per month for one child. Siblings cost up to an additional €124.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NTRE7RS3B5HARNKAQAZ24AJBCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698092},"content":"Most children attend services from between 18 months and two years up until seven, when they start school. Places generally need to be booked four months in advance but they can be obtained in a couple of weeks in instances where a new job or course of study is involved. Alternatively, supports are available for parents who want to hire childminders while those who choose to stay at home with their children after initial periods of parental leave, are entitled to a basic €377 per month with additional income-related payments.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2SIAPACXGRFHPGN7UFODWFUN6I","additional_properties":{"_id":"JVEWXIXZERGSHCQDZVYCN3WRJU"},"content":"Childcare reform set to form major plank of FG manifesto, Harris indicates","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HPFRICKOUJBG7KSAPQLGKMLMMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698112},"content":"It is not perfect. Parental leave, for instance, is extremely generous by Irish standards but has not had quite the impact on workplace equality that was hoped for.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y66B5LWFQVCZHNPXYGFGB7GUGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698113},"content":"A key reason most Finnish children do not start in daycare until they are nearly two is the provision of 160 days of paid leave to each parent so they can provide care at home during the early part of the child’s life. Up to 63 days can be transferred meaning up to 97 can be lost if a father, for instance, does not participate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4NPI5QJZXVHRNKECVPXYKP4ZLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698114},"content":"Encouraging fathers to take the leave, a portion of which is at full pay, a portion at 60 per cent, is intended, among other things, to promote equality in the workplace and Murphy believes it has had a positive impact.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S5PEDKA4XJF63M6ZJ4MRMJIWKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698115},"content":"Still, research from Aarhus University in Denmark suggests the Nordic countries have generally struggled to meet their goals in this area. In Finland, for instance, <a href=\"https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Gender_pay_gap_statistics\" target=\"_blank\">the gender pay gap, an indicator of the proportion of </a><a href=\"https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Gender_pay_gap_statistics\" target=\"_blank\">senior, better-paid positions held by women, </a>was put at 15.5 per cent in 2022 compared to 9.3 per cent in Ireland.","type":"text"},{"_id":"USOC7JK5TVB3HGXO6AL3YUVFGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247301},"content":"Unesco Social Justice Ireland and Early Childhood Ireland (ECI), an umbrella body to which most providers in Ireland are affiliated, are among the many organisations to have highlighted its benefits and when the Irish Government established an expert group to compile its Partnership for Public Good report, a document that has played a significant role in shaping public policy in the sector here, it looked closely at the wider Nordic model, specifically the Norwegian one, which shares many of the same broad characteristics.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ISL74QISQRGX7KU3K225ZYDDUI","additional_properties":{"_id":"QE4GHT4RWJFZXOCIEYZ266WK3M"},"content":"Childcare fees set to increase at 600 Government-funded services","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IZFLGDWU4RF7NE56DZQCU3OVEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247302},"content":"Predictably, it is all rather expensive to fund and a shifting political landscape there gave rise to the expectation in some quarters that spending might be curtailed in recent years. Instead, the last major review of the system, in 2022, extended services for the self-employed and others.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5DD3MTVDN5BZPJNXOKDSV5AZBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247303},"content":"In Ireland, there is widespread acknowledgment of the fact spending has increased from €638 million to almost €1.4 billion during the course of this government but ECI has put a cost of about €4 billion on Ireland getting to Nordic levels of provision. Three years ago, the Department of Children suggested that matching Iceland’s proportion of gross domestic product expenditure would involve spending almost half as much again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3JKMNYVVYVBWNE5467XDISMOLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698108},"content":"“I think we are moving slowly towards the better system but Ireland has to ramp up the funding and really stick with it,” says Murphy who is happy to see early education becoming a “political hot potato” in the run-up to the election with just about everybody promising more money.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V2JOEVYVSFFFDF67PRYOKOLZQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247305},"content":"To date, she suggests, there has been a tendency here to try to ignore the fact that “quality costs” but there have also been, she argues, substantial failures on the planning front.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53OLM3QDQVE53IMRO2UG43ANVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698100},"content":"Her own services – she has a second one these days in nearby Watergrasshill – cater for children approaching schoolgoing age but there are people “screaming”, she suggests, for places for smaller children in the area and the demand is only going to get greater, she says, as more houses are built.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PFNGK2AGNDQ5G35PDMQ2NT2YM","additional_properties":{"_id":"4VT45MER3ZHCHPJRIM4FMJ6FEY"},"content":"Creche place shortage: ‘We are panicking that we won’t find childcare and I need to return to work’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"NWXJPJZVUNEPJESICGD6TU5QO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698101},"content":"“In Finland,” she says, “the system is very much based on local decisions, made by the municipalities, so if they know locally there’s a big housing estate coming, and they understand how many families will be moving in the area, they know they have to offer a daycare place there. It will always be in the planning. The planning here is not forward-thinking, in my opinion.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GJNJBQMINJDXBKIELZKSHE37BA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698102},"content":"In Cork, she says, the local childcare committee has been “absolutely brilliant” and she would like to see these given more of a say in the development and running of the system.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ILWS4V35QNEGHKOEVPBIM32KBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247309},"content":"Further improvements to services will, she feels, be a priority for the next government but, in the meantime, as the election campaign proceeds and the weather outside gets colder, parents are delivering their children to her in more layers and “welly boots”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JZ27UHEOJFBJZORBH7HDJLJXKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698096},"content":"“In Finland, it is very much play-based, the learning, a lot of it outdoors,” she says. “Even the smaller children in full daycare usually go out in the morning and then again in the afternoon. Often, parents collect the children from outside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BX2ZPDSQFZGJPGOI4XEQSR4G5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247311},"content":"“What we say is, ‘when it’s minus 15 we stay indoors,’” she says cheerfully, not making it entirely clear how literal she is being.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SBAN5VW7LBBITKTPWIG4T5HWFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698097},"content":"“Of course, it’s normal that we can’t be outdoors so much in the winter but they still go outside and enjoy the fresh air and do the activities and play which all then helps when we come back indoors. Everything is much more calm. The focus and listening is much better as well, really. It’s like ‘okay, that was our energy burst, now we are ready for a little snack and lunch, and then a little bit of calming down and reading a book.’","type":"text"},{"_id":"S2O2KMLALZBT3L3MZ672WOKZHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247313},"content":"“You can see the difference. Definitely.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Emmet Malone"}},"name":"Emmet Malone"}]},"description":{"basic":"Minna Murphy is happy to see early education becoming a ‘political hot potato’ in the run-up to the election with just about everybody promising more money."},"display_date":"2024-11-16T06:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘You can see the difference. Definitely’: How the Finnish approach to preschool childcare is paying dividends in Cork","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"RKCYNHCBH5CURFCIRHXDRISW4Y","auth":{"1":"f92610bfc23974085bd2335b54427fba7f3b05364ad685edf476bf6fc7cf3cbb"},"focal_point":{"x":2665,"y":1000},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/RKCYNHCBH5CURFCIRHXDRISW4Y.JPG"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"People"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/16/you-can-see-the-difference-definitely-finnish-approach-to-preschool-childcare-paying-dividends-in-cork/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/life-style/people","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"People"}}}},{"_id":"JHR6G7YEXJFB5LREWR6RIEDALA","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/terry-prone-i-couldnt-measure-up-so-i-decided-to-do-motherhood-my-way/","content_elements":[{"_id":"LTMLZ244Y5AHHO422PKZXP2SBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250258},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/terry-prone\" target=\"_blank\">Terry Prone</a> has “always been very good to tell people to shag right off”, she explains. It’s a skill which has stood the communications expert and author in good stead. And one she believes is “a very important skill that women need to have”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZP76PWNJNAG7I6PYCWLW423AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250259},"content":"“Women need to stop being patient and gentle and accepting”, she says, when it comes to dealing with unwanted commentary or being asked unacceptable questions about <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">parenthood</a>. So naturally on hearing this, Jen tests the water, and launches straight in with the sort of probing question someone else might not get away with. How will Terry respond?","type":"text"},{"_id":"WVXOMRLBTFA53C5PUY4ZY2YI74","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250260},"content":"In this episode of Conversations with Parents, Terry Prone, who is mother to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/newstalk-radio\" target=\"_blank\">Newstalk</a>’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/anton-savage\" target=\"_blank\">Anton Savage</a>, discusses with Jen Hogan what it was like to be a working mother at a time when domesticity was considered the norm. She explains why she breastfed (“the slut’s option”), and why she believes her very relaxed approach to parenting, ultimately led to Anton being a daredevil.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7VGIHNIJOJASPCG5DPY5KLUWLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250261},"content":"“There was no risky pastime that he didn’t embrace”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RBWM5UBYKZAOPLLVZ4E4DEKGHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250262},"content":"The Communications Clinic chairman also discusses why she never attended any of Anton’s parent-teacher meetings. And how she parented in the wake of a catastrophic car accident.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A5UNRVKKEJD4LORLX6DSBY5DNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250263},"content":"So, how does Terry handle the challenging and often non communicative – or downright oppositional - teenage years? She shares her own secret to turning things around.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NOKF6FZPGZGNVA467KFPV6C2GY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250264},"content":"Plus, she explains why she regrets allowing Anton to be photographed and part of her “publicity act”, adding, “I believe very strongly that reasonably famous people, but anybody, shouldn’t put your kids up on Instagram”. And she tells Jen in no uncertain terms exactly what she thinks of online communities.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EKVCVDEUQVFSDOFUYLJV4C2RU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250265},"content":"And there’s Terry’s highs and lows of motherhood, the nightmare that plagued her dreams, and her views on modern parenting phenomena.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47RFD4G4E5CFTOCSVYTQN3UY6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250266},"content":"Listen to this episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-12T07:50:31.259Z","headlines":{"basic":"Terry Prone on allowing son Anton Savage to be in her publicity as a child: ‘I think it was the wrong thing to do’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"YB5465EEQBCT3JDWPRR5HB46RA","auth":{"1":"dfbdb9729486cf15b3d185c581fa4e2925d66ac72ed9a3da63efb61be58204fd"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/YB5465EEQBCT3JDWPRR5HB46RA.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2234.405333,"episodeTitle":"The communications expert on parenting her son, the broadcaster Anton Savage","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/672e0e75743b21a614394bc8.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/terry-prone-i-couldnt-measure-up-so-i-decided-to-do-motherhood-my-way/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"BGLVJTZX3ZEWVMTXUI5VB6T35E","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":300,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/e32016bf-4f83-40e1-b153-a0cc6f6c1e6d/versions/1730810740/media/699458b2fdd5506f13930533c0ffbd46_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/11/jen-hogan-be-an-adult-we-tell-our-older-teenagers-in-a-school-system-that-is-infantilising-them-for-longer/","content_elements":[{"_id":"YJE5JUCGWREKJM4NPDAEHP5X4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253433},"content":"“Do you ever miss being young?” one of the teens asked, out of curiosity rather than an attempt to annoy or offend me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBXG4VQWJRHS5J6HHTUJN5J2ZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730808137697},"content":"I was in the kitchen belting out some tunes while doing boring middle-aged things such as loading the dishwasher in a manner that would definitely horrify my husband, and my friend who sends me photos of her husband’s dishwasher loading efforts, presuming I’ll be appalled.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KORHFESQBNDTVOCX56GUYHH27A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730808137698},"content":"But I’m too hip and cool to care about what goes on what shelf, which in fairness is probably why my teen felt compelled to ask the question he did.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N5TXFDX5XVARPB5VPDYQKDYFLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253434},"content":"“Sometimes,” I replied honestly. “Though I wouldn’t want to be a child again. 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So we grew up, perhaps, if we wanted to, a little bit more quickly. Until we reached wild-Sundays-spent-loading-the-dishwasher-and-doing-laundry age, and lamented a youth spent largely being old.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QA2VLMB5NNB27OY2FHYVG2AHZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":"SIY3PXKBOVFA5O7YLIL2QNN5KM"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-46406","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"LXC2FUNFKJGU3JWTRA6I336I5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253437},"content":"Of course, it’s all different now. For one, no one can afford a house. So, it’s probably no harm that our children are leaving school, and college later. And many of life’s milestones follow now at a later age. We can live, then, in the desperate hope that by the time they’re finished their education and settled in a job, the powers that be might have sorted out the housing crisis and our offspring won’t feel quite so inclined to escape our island. What is it they say about it being the hope that kills you?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MISX332FLVCVNJB6XTGMCXJBTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253438},"content":"Anyway, back to the fact that children are starting and leaving school at an older age. It’s a good thing, we’re led to believe, and in many regards I agree. Starting school at five, and taking in transition year, which most students do, means more and more school students are 18 and 19 – adults – by the time they come to sit the Leaving Cert. More mature, we’re told.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJ7JSCANGNHCFET2R3L47OUWGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730808137704},"content":"What do 17-year-olds know about what they want to do with their lives? How could they possibly know what they want to study when they’re so young? 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But there is a light-switch change in society’s expectation. You’re an adult now, with adult consequences. And yet our 18- and 19-year-olds, who can legally drink and vote, sit in school uniforms, call other adults “sir” and “miss”, require their parents or guardians to explain a lateness or absence, need to ask permission to use the toilet, and even have updates about their academic performance communicated to their parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2AVRH5M42VAGZA3FKIDFCAFFXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253441},"content":"And we’re largely okay with this, because we want to know. “Be an adult,” we tell them. “Take responsibility for your life and your decisions,” we encourage, as we treat them like children. There is merit in children being older starting and finishing school, but only if we begin to recognise that we now have adult students in school, who need to be treated as such.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOCZNVFEJVDWDGKSDLLGYJUSEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253442},"content":"By the time I turned 18 I was in college, already being treated beforehand like the adult I wasn’t yet. And with that came life lessons of their own. Lessons we’re needlessly waiting longer to teach today’s young adults. Generation Z may get a raw deal in the stereotypes stakes. 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Like, for example, the fact that last month’s budget offered no increase in core funding by <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tusla/\" target=\"_blank\">Tusla </a>for their family resource centre, or indeed any of the 121 such centres throughout the country.","type":"text"},{"_id":"POABPVB4TVDDZEUAMEGKAPHSOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047418},"content":"Annmarie Gallagher, a mother of three, isn’t slow to let her views be known about the essential services provided by Le Chéile.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ATDG5KUHTRCBTDW3JHQIEA22NY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047419},"content":"“I recently highlighted the urgency of proper funding for these vital services to [Fianna Fáil Senator] Lisa Chambers. 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I’m off out to meet someone later this week in the hope they will mind the two youngest in their own home but they might only be able to mind Cathal, so we may have to go back to the drawing board.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JCAYZ5N7NRFKXHDJRI3MJA6RZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047424},"content":"Anita Prendergast empathises with Gallagher. She and her partner live in Bohola and have four children aged from nine to one. She is passionate in her belief that the incoming government must make childcare more community-based and integrated into society.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BT7VSKHYIVGSFB3G2TCMIZDZDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047425},"content":"“I had great supports here at Le Chéile as I prepared to return to work a year ago. I work in the health sector and it was quite daunting to be called to interview when I was 11 days postpartum. But here I could just bring all the children in to an event or meeting and feel welcome and supported. 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The buildings are there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GWC4SGVLHNDIFNTUMEK2UUB6QE","additional_properties":{"_id":"XZ3E3ZWIIZAE7PM5TMX322CCXA"},"content":"‘Organise childcare’ means one of two things: ask Granny or take a day off work","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ESJW6ZBT4NFTLK7TRGUQGNBJMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047428},"content":"She argues that the next government must also address pay and conditions for childcare staff.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OJ52ZTCVJJAELD4I36IUVTZABY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730823864662},"content":"“I was hoping to return to work last September time but I had to take another two months of unpaid leave because my excellent childcare provider couldn’t recruit a staff member they needed, obviously because of the poor pay conditions,” she says, adding that she feels very lucky that she has two parents living nearby who can support her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZLCJ4D56JBWDDE2LIOWHHBPJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047432},"content":"For Scottish native Chelsea Conway, moving to Castlebar during the pandemic provided its challenges.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWGJAXLBRVFVVP76MDJU77X6I4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047433},"content":"“I have ‘Irish twins’: Freya is two and Shay is one. Just sometimes it is a bit lonely. It is good for your mental health to get out of the house, meet other mothers for coffees and walks and it is good for their social skills too,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PMC74AP2LREX3NPQNFW345KZ4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047430},"content":"Ann Conway, Le Chéile’s project manager, says: “There isn’t a week that goes by that we don’t have queries from parents seeking childcare or looking for a childminder.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PFASX2VO5ZCVTBIK54PU7KPCSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730823864666},"content":"“We once thought that accessing childcare was a crisis in bigger cities but it’s a reality in rural Ireland and in our own town now as the fabric of society changes. We need more family and community supports. 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And for good reason. In fact, he reckons the number of nappies he’s changed is probably in the single digits, and he’s unapologetic for it. After all “they are disgusting”, he explains, and changing them is above his “pay grade” he feels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMDY4ESJDRD7FEW3CDJKEFZLQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730477093398},"content":"In this episode of Conversations with Parents, the broadcaster, podcaster and former Minister for Agriculture sits down with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/author/jen-hogan/\" target=\"_blank\">Jen Hogan</a> and discusses his old school approach to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">fatherhood</a>. He shares how learned helplessness has served him well when it came to taking care of children. Does he regret leaving it all to his wife Deirdre, who gave up her career as a teacher to raise the couple’s four children? 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He explains his very definite views on this, on the podcast.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZEXTGBJ4JNDLXB5D3AGLXZNLCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730477093401},"content":"He has lots of thoughts on modern parenting and in particular the move from one generation’s “supreme authority” approach, to a situation where “everything is negotiation”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FNS5AZBY2VG6RFBKYNKC3MPX4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730478541773},"content":"“The kid is the boss” Ivan observes, something he finds “quite shocking”. The old school dad tells us exactly what he thinks about it all. And shares his thoughts on when parenting gets better, and his highs and lows of fatherhood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V5TTQFXKZVCYNPIIHOOQXB45IU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730477093403},"content":"You can listen to Ivan’s chat with Jen on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-05T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Ivan Yates: ‘The lack of affection from my parents’ generation was a huge mistake’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"SSQE5DRT5BNV3CZC3F3BKSYCLU","auth":{"1":"50a7ce58962b4c5f7a8ca2d7043cb7f395c3d81ecf01c28721ff6202f77deb8c"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/SSQE5DRT5BNV3CZC3F3BKSYCLU.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":1626.029333,"episodeTitle":"'I was determined to do some things differently to my parents'","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/6725017ce4fa02600522561d.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/ivan-yates-the-lack-of-affection-from-my-parents-generation-was-a-huge-mistake/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"IVTQ72B2FVB57IA3L3UPCM7CXY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":760,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/2e0a9cf1-1394-4aee-ac26-87def6a2b28c/versions/1730219491/media/7a158002cc0df008a89e7f2852a061c8_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/05/how-keeping-astronauts-healthy-can-tell-us-what-on-earth-to-do/","content_elements":[{"_id":"RSOBFQICWJGTFIOV3H237FD2XM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139613},"content":"The seven astronauts currently aboard the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/international-space-station/\" target=\"_blank\">International Space Station</a> orbiting above us have one big health issue in common with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/menopause/\" target=\"_blank\">post-menopausal</a> women down here. It is the challenge of accelerated muscle and bone loss.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HU5WKSDEVB3BBAP3V2NFVUZUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139614},"content":"In the microgravity of space it is called “skeletal unloading” and is significantly more rapid. Astronauts can lose up to 1 or 2 per cent of bone density per month in the hip and spine, according to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/nasa/\" target=\"_blank\">Nasa</a>. (Around the time of menopause, women can lose 2 per cent or more of bone per year.) “This rapid bone loss can place the crew members at risk for bone fracture and risk of early-onset osteoporosis [a bone deterioration disorder],” notes the US space agency.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MTNNMXSMOZAAZPN76EUICQQUCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139616},"content":"The changes space makes to your body and how to counteract these is of huge interest to Irish doctor Lisa McNamee, co-founder of Space Medicine Ireland. She has completed the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/european-space-agency/\" target=\"_blank\">European Space Agency</a>’s space physician training course and a University of Texas principles of aviation and space medicine course and is working on several space medicine research projects. So what is space medicine?","type":"text"},{"_id":"FXVUCB3IANCM5MHEJKU263XVRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"KZAOCM2YO5H3TPJ5CTPLI2FH6Q"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"QM6TUYXRIBFNHKJ7WXEDK2AFKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139617},"content":"“Basically, it’s the preparation of astronauts for flight,” says the 38-year-old, sitting in the alumni meeting room in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/trinity-college-dublin-tcd/\" target=\"_blank\">Trinity College Dublin</a>, where she studied classics and French, before later doing the postgraduate course in medicine at the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI). “It’s the maintenance of their health while they’re in flight and it’s the rehabilitation after flight.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HVB4XOYIFJHRXBJ2UI6ZKYAJGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139618},"content":"However, there is much more to this field than being a doctor to the astronauts, which is clearly a limited speciality. It also involves applying knowledge gained through space travel to improve terrestrial medical treatments. These learnings come not just from enabling astronauts to remain physically and mentally well in space but also from extensive research projects conducted in microgravity, such as drug testing, ageing experiments, wound healing and medtech work.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KBGQLKCSL5BCVEIAGT7PWRFHJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139619},"content":"Widely used finger pulse oximeters, which measure the oxygen saturation level of blood, are just one example, she says, of a spin-off from the “travel light” imperative to miniaturise devices used in space, which then become cheaper to produce here. Use of sensors, developed for remote medical monitoring of astronauts’ health, is an accelerating trend in general medicine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LFGQ4T6PO5BLHOAJ4YM6OL5LGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139620},"content":"As people travel further and spend longer in space, the health challenges intensify. Plans for new cosmic frontiers include the 2027 launch of Gateway, a space station to orbit around the moon and, it is hoped, to pave the way for establishing a base on the Moon. To put that into context, the International Space Station (ISS) travels around Earth about 400km above us, whereas the nearest the Moon ever gets to this planet on its elliptical orbit is 363,000km. From the Moon, the next space destination for humankind will be Mars, about 225,000,000km away and a round trip of up to three years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HVTMJWOAEVEWPHNNO6Z5AR62KM","additional_properties":{"_id":"LBN6C3VFSVBRPNZMN6RFUTVW3U"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NYBFNVPNPRDUNENMQXSBBGH5TU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139621},"content":"Meanwhile, space tourism, which is gathering pace, brings its own health issues. Traditionally, astronauts are handpicked through lengthy, rigorous physical and mental health screenings. With ability to pay being a new prerequisite for a seat on a commercial rocket, where can an ethical line be drawn on fitness standards?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TZYGNW27BEWZDO6L2M5WX7NVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139622},"content":"“Exercise countermeasures” is the current focus for Dr McNamee, who won the Women in Stem Rising Star of the Year award in October. These are “anything that you do to mitigate or to push back the effects of space on the human body, because we’re not designed for space, we’ve evolved here. We’re designed to be functional at this gravity.” She will give a free talk (to book, see <a href=\"https://www.eventbrite.com/e/how-space-spooks-your-skeleton-tickets-1047833106027?aff=odcleoeventsincollection&keep_tld=1\" target=\"_blank\">eventbrite.com</a>) titled How Space Spooks your Skeleton on November 7th as part of the annual Samhain agus Science festival hosted by the Dublin Institute for Advanced Studies (DIAS) at Burlington Road, Dublin 4, which runs until November 12th.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4LXYZAW4UNCILGP2RHZ7PP7D54","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139623},"content":"ISS crew members are required to do workouts every day in an effort to minimise muscle wasting and bone loss. The weightlessness they experience means there is no pressure on the muscles, which start to wither through lack of use. This affects not just the limbs but also the heart, a muscular organ that pumps blood around the body.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWHU4VB27NBYLLE7R5PUIJ4CNA","additional_properties":{"_id":"C5663P3RXBGDZPTMCERZFGWL64"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"53V4I3RTTNBOVGBMIVMAQZSN4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139624},"content":"In addition, bone mass starts to reduce due to lack of muscle-bone interactions. People tend to think of bones as fixed substances, she says, but they are living tissue that is very responsive to muscle tension and muscles working on them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MKLUTKN3KRC33POBAWY5YWSV6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139625},"content":"“If they don’t have that, they thin, in two ways. They stop making new bone, which they’re doing all the time, but also they start reabsorbing bone that is already there.” To minimise the impact of this in space, only people with very good bone density are selected to be astronauts, but they are also required to do weight-bearing as well as cardiovascular exercise during daily two-hour workouts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WS55FQJ2OZCZXPEVY7WI5QIDPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139626},"content":"Think of how expensive it is to train an astronaut and send them into space, says Dr McNamee. The fact that they are required to spend two hours every single day just on exercise shows what a priority it is for Nasa and the European Space Agency (ESA). Although most of what we see of ISS crew members is chatting on video-links or posting on social media, the bulk of their time up there is spent conducting research experiments under close direction","type":"text"},{"_id":"SWCN2LHDYBGN7PKLWNJAHSJORI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139627},"content":"The ISS is larger than a six-bedroom house, with six sleeping quarters, two bathrooms, a gym and a 360-degree view bay window. In the gym there is a treadmill, an ergometer bike and an advanced resistive exercise device.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5SSDVNWNWRBLVAWKGZNNT5PCQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"NRVFNKAJTJA6LD324WPW3YFCUA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"MLFV5AZLN5HBNMX2YTUIDK5T2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139628},"content":"“Astronauts are strapped in to this device so that they can do jogging, weight-bearing exercise and they can actually lift weights. Obviously if you were to lift weights in microgravity you’d lift it and then the momentum of you lifting your arm with the heavy weight would keep you moving. So it would be absolutely no value to your muscles. You have to have this system whereby you’re strapped in and everything is working against you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OT5XFYJBDND3LKI2ZP4PVMTRKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139629},"content":"All the major space agencies are trying to find new ways to reduce, halt or reverse this bone loss, says McNamee. This should have spin-off benefits for the rest of us.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GTYY5U3NBVF5FBHWFKGIN6XEEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139630},"content":"There are an estimated 300,000 men and women in Ireland with osteoporosis. As a society we don’t have a great understanding of the things that keeps our bones healthy, she suggests, and, traditionally, women’s health has been a neglected area. It is estimated half of all women in Ireland aged over 50 will suffer a fracture due to osteoporosis, and 25 per cent of older men are likely to be similarly affected. There is up to a one-in-three chance of dying within one year of a hip fracture.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5Q4PSPO4PFFLNOQZSYD24D3IVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139631},"content":"“Weight-bearing exercise as a preventer is something that we should be encouraging, prescribing,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AETY35R7XFCABND3AW5GZKRSLY","additional_properties":{"_id":"OKRJTWA2BZHDBCK223DCFVCEGI"},"content":"Up to 70% of osteoporosis patients getting inappropriate treatment, research finds","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"SSFLJPDF4RG2DILXSZYD655NYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139632},"content":"Nasa and ESA conduct bed rest studies to give researchers insights into how humans adapt to weightlessness. Volunteers spend anything between five and 60 days in a bed tilted toward the head end, and are not allowed to stand up unless a particular experiment requires it. Their bodies start to adapt, as if in space. Research findings allow measures to be devised that will help astronauts on space missions – as well as bedridden people recuperating from illness.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BTVE4L7KGBBZLFA2PTTWQIEPTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139633},"content":"Bone loss in space varies from person to person, which is another interesting aspect for research, she notes. On return to Earth, astronauts start individualised, targeted rehabilitation exercise programmes under supervision. “It’s kind of a graduated return to 1G [normal gravity] exercise.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5DQBPJJU5CBXBWT4UA6GYZ2FM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139634},"content":"Altered gravity is one of the big five health hazards in space flight, she explains, along with isolation and confinement, distance from Earth, radiation and the alien environment.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASQ5QEEAHJFH3FQRPJ6EX4PHCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139635},"content":"In addition to muscle and bone issues, microgravity also causes a fluid shift in the body, typically giving astronauts puffy faces and skinny “chicken” legs. This redistribution of fluid in the body causes pressure to build at the back of the eye resulting in space associated neuro-ocular syndrome.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SJ2TBJAFTVBLVORO3NYQENXFHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139636},"content":"“It’s not something that they fully understand.” It can lead to blurring of vision when astronauts first go up and for some it may persist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JXQERXT4DVHCPJ66NRYRJKAJCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139637},"content":"“When you first go into microgravity, you get a kind of a shock to the system,” says Dr McNamee. “This can cause space sickness but does not necessarily affect people who suffer motion sickness, so it is difficult to predict.” Each astronaut is issued with sick bags and anti-emetic medication. “There’s no shame in getting space sick. There is shame in missing the bag ...”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MGW5DK5QFFCQXIJBG24HSOPDLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139638},"content":"Dr McNamee, mother of a three-year-old daughter, sparkles with enthusiasm as she talks about space travel, which has fascinated her since her childhood days in Co Meath. She is delighted to see the growth of space-active industry in Ireland, with the national space strategy for enterprise’s target of 100 companies engaging with the ESA by 2025 having been reached by January of this year. “I was really into sci-fi when I was a kid.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"56FOBK6N2VAJFGAIJ6CK4P2DEI","additional_properties":{"_id":"LNV7E6QRYNCADKA4YK3XROYUGQ"},"content":"How Ireland is building a strong reputation in Europe’s space programme","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"RM3P7CHNRBB2RKGD7Q4T75JR5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070872},"content":"Her father was a helicopter pilot and engineer and she recalls a family trip to the Air and Space Museum in Washington DC, while visiting their uncle over there. “It was like a defining experience.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C2RWZCZSKRFWZPRVJ6DCTKOTBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070873},"content":"Currently a commandant with the Irish <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/defence-forces-of-ireland/\" target=\"_blank\">Defence Forces</a> at St Bricin’s military hospital in Dublin 7, she points out that learnings from military teams, the airline industry and space industry all feed into each other when it comes to managing error, safety and conflict among personnel.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5L7A3X2Q2FHL7JHMGCGPOXA3CU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139641},"content":"“There’s a reason why a lot of astronauts are pilots or were pilots, because it’s the same sort of check-and-test, check-and-test mindset ... egos at the door.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZNA5GERRFHZ7KAKC2CZ6LLQDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070875},"content":"They need to be psychologically prepared for danger. “Space is hard, it’s risky and it doesn’t always work out,” she says, referring to the loss of the space shuttles Challenger, 73 seconds after its launch in 1986, and Columbia on re-entering Earth’s atmosphere in 2003, with a total of 14 astronauts killed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z2SBCGVW2VEEZDXXMDD4G73QFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139642},"content":"She did apply for ESA’s most recent round of astronaut selection “not with great hope but I think I would have kicked myself if I hadn’t”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JI4M6AL34BD6VEHO766HUPCLO4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QRELW2WFPJC4PJ22CCSUHWGFNU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"ZTSR4UUYXVBYVJVCCEPXTRHRVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070877},"content":"The new class of 17 astronaut candidates announced in November 2022, including Belfast-born astrophysicist <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2024/04/23/northern-ireland-born-astrophysicist-becomes-astronaut-after-space-training-graduation/#:~:text=Rosemary%20Coogan%20was%20selected%20to,beating%20more%20than%2022%2C500%20applicants&text=Northern%20Ireland%2Dborn%20Rosemary%20Coogan,Space%20Agency%20(ESA)%20astronaut.\" target=\"_blank\">Rosemary Coogan</a>, were selected from a pool of more than 22,500 applicants across Europe.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQ7KEC3WCBBEPKFWNZQGCZPBE4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139643},"content":"Meanwhile, aeronautical engineer <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/science/space/2024/06/20/aeronautical-engineer-and-researcher-from-mayo-to-go-to-space/\" target=\"_blank\">Dr Norah Patten</a> from Ballina, Co Mayo is set to become Ireland’s first person in space. Working with the International Institute for Astronautical Sciences, she has been selected for a commercial, Virgin Galactic, suborbital research flight. She is expecting to go within 12 months of the planned 2026 launch of Virgin’s new ship and will conduct experiments during the two-hour flight.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XFWRRZ35BRBFLNEEY5SBE66AOA","additional_properties":{"_id":"UYPUTE2H3JCRXENBGKWFN6UQ7M"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"JJEYB2IMNVCQRFWMZJWFVXRHA4","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q6NYWDG7INEBFNMZWP6OEW4HH4"},"content":"Meet the Irish women aiming to become space trailblazers","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"JUO3M6AKH5E5RBHAGLE55SFGM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139644},"content":"Dr McNamee is in the process of submitting research experiments for Virgin Galactic, which she is hoping will be approved. She is working with Dr Aamir Hameed of the RCSI on a cardiology project relating to the fact that as the suborbital flight business grows, many of the passengers will be older and more likely to have heart issues.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMT6MOCILJGY5EDSHRMFGG6FYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139645},"content":"“We’re trying to develop safety standards for certain medical conditions. Are they safe to fly or not?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWW4HSWNS5ECDLKKXCN2WTVCZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139646},"content":"With space tourism being a niche market, McNamee looks to the “downstream” effects of space research for medicine in general. “I think quite a few of the applications from space have the potential to benefit a lot of people, which is what I find most interesting.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Sheila Wayman"}},"name":"Sheila Wayman"}]},"description":{"basic":"Dr Lisa McNamee looks to space for the benefit of terrestrial medicine"},"display_date":"2024-11-05T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How keeping astronauts healthy can tell us what on Earth to do","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"SQKXDRTIKVHYNMKPQC4WWMKVGI","auth":{"1":"98482825161b46cfcd9417f1b296d0b9db32cc1b64151b3b6d0af69bac754317"},"focal_point":{"x":1570,"y":2384},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/SQKXDRTIKVHYNMKPQC4WWMKVGI.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/05/how-keeping-astronauts-healthy-can-tell-us-what-on-earth-to-do/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"ZJUYPSD6U5DK5MIXT6MMRIBPSY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":331,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/a0834144-d00a-4c82-a137-34d14321e6ab/versions/1730208209/media/c43228f93ec0a18cf1dbf4a432beeccd_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/04/my-daughter-enjoys-college-but-it-is-getting-her-there-consistently-that-is-the-problem/","content_elements":[{"_id":"Y2H2LCSEUBHKPDEXJA4W7YLH44","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817964},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"BU23XC7NZBB53DR6HSCE5DL5VY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921267},"content":"<b>We have a 17-year-old daughter who is diagnosed with </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>autism</b></a><b> and has an Education, Health and Care plan (EHCP). She found mainstream secondary school too much, so eventually we were able to get her one-to-one support and she managed to get five GCSEs after not having attended school for three years.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"UIZ5DCR4HJHEBDK4HEAZS2GMAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921268},"content":"<b>She is very bright and is now in college, but struggling once again to attend. It is like a barrier comes down and she can’t get out of the car. The difficulties start before she gets in the car – we can see from her body language and mannerisms whether she will or won’t go in.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5SILGACPBRFUHCUD2GGLOHT7YU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921269},"content":"<b>She enjoys college once there, but it is getting her there consistently that is the problem. Her attendance is now at 50 per cent, and there are questions being asked by the college as to whether this is the right setting for her. We feel it is the right place as she has come on in herself so much and her self-esteem has improved greatly. I wonder what we can do to support her to get over this or through this.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"6WSZKDGRNVAIPE4F6A63CH64FA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921270},"content":"<b>We all walk on eggshells at home. If I go into work she can’t go to college, so I have adjusted my work to suit, but I am not sure how long this will last for. Would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions you have.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"PCOFA6QVQVESTBK5KVO23BZMD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921271},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"KJSUQJXON5AGNHRT2LU5FLMKNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817965},"content":"Many autistic teenagers can struggle with attending school or college. The college environment can be experienced as stressful and overwhelming, and may not match their learning styles nor meet their social nor sensory needs. This can lead to intense anxiety and avoidance, which makes it hard to attend, especially on days of increased stress. In addition, the daily stress can accumulate and lead to fatigue and burnout, meaning that on some days these teens don’t have the energy to attend.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPFBHVZ63NFQ7LLM7O5KMQOP34","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817966},"content":"Building a picture of your daughter’s needs","type":"header"},{"_id":"SHU2EHZCFVDZLNJ3AKKAMWWGMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817967},"content":"In trying to help your daughter, it is important to get a detailed understanding of her college experience and what is going well for her, and what is more challenging. It might be useful to sit down with her and go through the college day and consider all the different aspects.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RTH3N5WLAJHLFGRURBN5NADIYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921275},"content":"When working with teenagers, I find it useful to do a survey where I ask them to rate all aspects of the school day on a scale ranging from enjoyable to stressful. This might include 1) arrival, 2) assembly, 3) classes and teaching, 4) social chats in groups, 5) questions and interaction, 6) corridors and transition, 6) break and yard times, 7) departures, etc.","type":"text"},{"_id":"763SNEP2RFE3LGRBU4H52OSJCE","additional_properties":{"_id":"AQ4T3LAH3VGRJONXNENW53KIJ4"},"content":"‘Our daughter blames us for not realising years ago that she was autistic’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"M2DIDNFZZ5FPHB2UDD7JXF6ISU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817968},"content":"Such surveys can reveal surprising things that are going well (such as a love of a certain subject or a teaching style or a new friend), along with challenges you had not considered. One child I worked with found arrival at a busy school overwhelming, and so was given an accommodation of arriving slightly earlier and going to the library to meet a teacher. Another found pressure to speak up or to present work in front of the whole class provoked intense anxiety, and was given alternative ways to present their work to the teacher.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SEKMDEGVNZEPBCQXPNPOI5IUQE","additional_properties":{"_id":"OEY3ILQDNBHIJKLQBA3AKSFOZ4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"O7TAGF6AU5AI5P6S6QNXJKVSTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817969},"content":"I am struck by the fact that you have already made a lot of progress, in that your daughter has moved from no attendance to 50 per cent in her new college. It is worth taking time to explore this. What is she enjoying more in the new college? What is making it easier to attend? This will give you clues as to how further progress can be made.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DS2NLE7T5NFM3LSRRZTY7LHUIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817970},"content":"Helping your daughter describe her experience","type":"header"},{"_id":"XA2E2JHWEZAYVPZRS7IYJKYSVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817971},"content":"It is interesting that you can notice signs in your daughter’s body language that predict early on in the day how she is feeling. Try to help her articulate what is going on for her at these times so you can both have a better understanding. You might compassionately inquire: “Does it feel like a bad day? Tell me what you are feeling.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QME3ZDDYSNGZRIGBQ5GBUJI2CU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817972},"content":"What might work in helping her depends on what is going on for her. For example, if she is fatigued and simply does not have the energy to take on the college day, it might be useful to anticipate this in advance and allow her to attend for reduced hours or to take the day off to recover. One teen I worked with was given a limited number of passes they could use to take a day off school when needed – giving them control like this avoided unnecessary daily battles to get them to school.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66PYLJKI2VG2PIBSNJZQ6YRCCI","additional_properties":{"_id":"3DULQJGHNNDBXBUYZ2SQMVXDPM"},"content":" How to advocate for and empower your neurodivergent child","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"MEHPCY2RLJFFTNHARCUQYP5OLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817973},"content":"Alternatively, if your daughter finds it hard to attend due to anxiety or worry about an aspect of the school day, you might explore how she can manage this anxiety and still attend. This is especially the case if she is enjoying school once she gets there, and the anxiety is holding her back. Managing anxiety like this takes a lot of patience and involves both trying to make changes in the school day to reduce the stress and supporting your daughter to cope with her outlook so it no longer stops her attending. You may need the support of an informed professional to assist with this, as well as the support of the teachers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T6X74QTTNVFMDF5SYVTDMSZDKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817974},"content":"Working with the teachers","type":"header"},{"_id":"GQXXISFHRVCAFDCNHKSGWZRH4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817975},"content":"It is important to collaboratively work with the college teachers to support your daughter’s attendance. Many of the accommodations that might make a difference, such as extra supports or changes to her school day, are ones that the school itself has to implement. Arrange a meeting and point out how much progress your daughter has made (improved self-esteem and moving from no attendance to 50 per cent), and ask for support in maintaining this progress.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S2KQ5X4NSVE3XPONXK6PBYXVLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921284},"content":"Hopefully your daughter’s EHCP will be useful in gaining the teachers’ co-operation and support. It can be useful to agree a shared plan of action and to review this at a date in the future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBR345KNZBDC7JXWAXY5GRTU3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817976},"type":"list"},{"_id":"DEB4FLUZZFGFRISB3QEFZZ5CZI","additional_properties":{"_id":"HK32NPY4DVAM7E74O4LQFJR53M"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: Our daughter has autism and would not attend school for three years. Now at college, her attendance has improved greatly, but we walk on eggshells around her. How can we better support her?"},"display_date":"2024-11-04T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My daughter enjoys college, but it is getting her there consistently that is the problem’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"IAWPWEYGH5HNRJBARLSSC32TMI","auth":{"1":"5159092834fc4ed8f9888e1c348905381b20c80303063b6dc078967a2ca2ec02"},"focal_point":{"x":1833,"y":1208},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/IAWPWEYGH5HNRJBARLSSC32TMI.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/04/my-daughter-enjoys-college-but-it-is-getting-her-there-consistently-that-is-the-problem/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"DYWYM4IFURHDDALOV6UP2M57XY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":423,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/5d6ea9e4-2f0d-4f31-8947-7fe31047f0b7/versions/1730471067/media/2415bb30f12361125a79d61c2467d799_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/opinion/2024/11/03/how-is-childless-clare-getting-on-i-wonder-is-she-happier-hungover/","content_elements":[{"_id":"SYBRBEMQYVBRVCE73MYYA27PKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763654},"content":"“You’ll never regret having children, but you might regret not having them” – or so people contemplating <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenthood</a> are often advised. But is that really true? Expressions of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/\">parental regret</a>, where parents admit to regretting having some or all of their children, are regarded as one of the more resilient taboos in parental discourse. Recent candid discussion of the <a href=\"https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/oct/27/the-last-boundary-of-body-shaming-and-the-stories-none-of-us-want-to-tell\">gory physical toll of many childbirths</a> falls into a similar category – daring revelations concerning the psychological and physical costs of parenthood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"725GQRBUSVFP3KXPQTIGE3OCS4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763655},"content":"We associate taboos with unusual or minority positions, but is reflecting on the merits of having decided to have children not perfectly natural? This morning, 12 minutes deep into fraught discourse about whether the dinosaur cup was the right vessel for my daughter’s juice, it’s easy to drift into comparative reflection about a Clare that didn’t procreate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PTEVVWJUVBGOPGGXDO22RJVCQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763656},"content":"Possible worlds help philosophers analyse the meaning of talk about possibility and necessity – ways things might or must be. Every way things could be represents a possible world, and any difference can distinguish a new possible world – for example, one where Denis Irwin decided to pursue <a href=\"https://www.balls.ie/uncategorized/denis-irwin-teenage-chess-prodigy-353666\">chess</a> competitively, instead of football.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ECXQ43JNUNAAJFSQ7NMWY6M7OQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763657},"content":"On the philosopher <a href=\"https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/david-lewis/\" target=\"_blank\">David Lewis’s </a>theory, all possible worlds are equally real. The difference between this <i>actual</i> world and others is that this is the world I’m in. The word “actual” is indexical, referring to the world where the relevant pronouncement is happening just as “me” refers to different people depending on the speaker. On this model, talk of what might’ve been possible <i>for me</i> is interpreted via sufficiently similar beings at other possible worlds called <i>counterparts</i>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5324NXFQZNESRFERAH34TSPUIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763658},"content":"People admitting regrets around having children are often interpreted as wishing their children didn’t exist. Contemplating the virtues of possible worlds where one didn’t reproduce provides a gentler way of thinking about those feelings.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7Z3FKE2TUBFUPPWPYUHBGHO4DA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763659},"content":"So, there’s a possible world where someone very like me didn’t have kids. How’s my childless counterpart getting on, I wonder? Is she happier? Surely, she <i>must </i>be better rested. With no 3am toddler bathroom visits or midnight baby-bottles, she’s presumably broaching breakfast with more pep in her step. No beverage negotiations for<i> her</i>. Actually though, I wonder is she hungover? No night-time care work might be freeing, but I have rarely paired freedom and rest, so why should it be different for a similarly chaotic counterpart?","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PKMSIAL7NFWLKTDLSBKETU7T4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763660},"content":"Formal decision-making is about <i>maximising expected utility – </i>facing uncertainty, we go for the option with the greatest value or desirability<i>. </i>In reality, where we aren’t delivered the probabilities of outcomes on a platter, we must reason using imperfect projections about how life will be if we have children, or if we don’t. The number of relevant variables here is dizzying. Worse, even if we could know what life would be like (if we decide one way or another) we also need to know how we’ll feel about it, and that’s a level of hypothetical self-knowledge few could claim. Becoming a parent is transformative, at least with respect to knowledge – you truly can’t know how it’ll be until you do it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ITE77JR2ONC2TB7S2QYMPEON7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763661},"content":"Thus, you typically don’t opt in to having a child on <a href=\"https://lapaul.org/papers/whatCantExpect.pdf\">a rational basis</a>. Even just considering a few elements – the children, your health, the birth – thinking about the myriad ways any one might shake out can make deciding the case on the merits seem ridiculous. You commit to having a child, let’s say, but you can control almost nothing about them. You can’t even control how many will show up on the day. With so much uncertainty and vulnerability, one should expect waves and pockets of regret.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WFNQEQKXANB6TN4F2SYZ2SHHFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763662},"content":"Perhaps wondering about whether my childless counterpart is happier is fruitless. However, it’s valuable to take seriously the idea that, amid all parenthood’s joy and meaning, there are costs and probably numerous valuable things that are made nonactual when we decide to do it. Our choices shape what regret and happiness mean to us at any time. When asking would I be happier if I didn’t have children, what do I mean by happy? If happiness reduces to comfort and autonomy, then sure, having children probably decreases my happiness fairly often. I can’t just abandon the breakfast table, and sometimes, I don’t love it there. However, there’s a version of happiness that is positively responsive to challenge and is enhanced by it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBNLRFAJHNBIXK47A6L4JZXKWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763663},"content":"We imagine the joy felt by those who commit to feats of great intensity – running marathons, mastering difficult skills – that’s not about comfort, but about doing something hard that we value. I could never run a marathon, but I’ve done some cold swims and some long ones, and there are absolutely points in the water where I’ve thought “it’s terrible here” and “I enormously regret taking this on”, in the course of a project which usually takes me to a proud, elated state in the end. They’re not perfectly analogous scenarios, but I think having children is similar: committing to an arduous pursuit of joy, which is no less difficult for being so common.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XZYAI4RSNH7TJ36K7VW6I5TSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763664},"content":"Discussions of parental costs show us how to make things better for families. If, as is common, parental regret disclosures are explained in terms of things such as the career collapse, relationship strain, damage to the body, the recent phenomenon of having your children remain in your home until their mid-30s, then, perhaps what seems like regretting parenthood is really regretting it in the current sociopolitical environment. Such admissions then provide a roadmap for how society could be improved to make parenthood and individual flourishing more mutually consistent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VGXZ5QRTCBHDLA6IFEUZRXS6PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763665},"content":"Public reflection on these topics is vital. It’s important to furnish the next generation of possible parents with information that will help them think these issues through (even if, as I believe, it’s unlikely to be a truly rational decision either way), but it’s also important for establishing the legitimacy of the choice not to have children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"44RLOXDV2BGZDAZCTZF4VDDGUI","additional_properties":{"_id":"TYYBBB3QJJBD7NO6N2AYXNRXHA"},"content":"Should you have children? These five philosophical questions can help you decide","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"JWJUIFAA6VGOHOV53I7VGW2QEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730465488355},"content":"Many women who don’t want children report an experience of public distrust in their ability to know their own minds on this front. <i>Wait until you meet the right person. </i>Presumably, if more people were honest about regretting aspects of parenthood, or pining for elements of a life they don’t have because they have children, it would help bolster the credibility of the women who are routinely told they couldn’t possibly not want them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3TXQBAJRLVAPPKEIWTTEG5AHRE","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Clare Moriarty"}]},"description":{"basic":"Perhaps wondering about whether my childless counterpart is happier is fruitless"},"display_date":"2024-11-02T07:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How is childless Clare getting on, I wonder? Is she happier? Hungover?","native":"Opinion: It is worth taking seriously the idea that there are costs to becoming a parent"},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EEML4AF6ZNCN5DANWPDSDEERRE","auth":{"1":"261aa65e6425e3761fe62cb9b1b5a5a48093fd98714745ba6bf809568b26e9b8"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EEML4AF6ZNCN5DANWPDSDEERRE.jpg"}},"subtype":"opinion","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Opinion"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/opinion/2024/11/03/how-is-childless-clare-getting-on-i-wonder-is-she-happier-hungover/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/opinion","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Opinion"}}}},{"_id":"NKE2IMYIUVHU3K56RXDOWU4XEM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/victoria-smurfit-postpartum-depression-had-me-manically-sobbing-in-the-middle-of-ranelagh/","content_elements":[{"_id":"M5MQM6DMEFGF3GLCFRGF2IDIIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854994},"content":"We all know that feeling of cringe, when you’re watching a movie or a series with your parents and a sex scene comes on. But what’s it like when your mother is actually in the sex scene? In this episode of Conversations with Parents, Hollywood actor <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/victoria-smurfit/\" target=\"_blank\">Victoria Smurfit</a> tells Jen Hogan how her children are coping with their mother’s steamy new role in the TV adaptation of Jilly Cooper’s Rivals. And she shares why she’s relieved none of her children seem likely to follow her into acting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZP5VNYVOSNFRPMLULHJKWO3NKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854995},"content":"Victoria lives in London now, having for a time lived in LA. And while many of us have, from afar, and in horror, watched the terror of American school shootings on the television, she experienced that fear firsthand, when a text arrived from her daughter to say her school was on lockdown due to a shooter. She shares her experience, and her reaction to receiving the terrifying text, with Jen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ENCOOOGW45DHJKRKNEI32GZYOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854996},"content":"Plus, she talks how she felt when she learned her eldest daughter, Evie, had a degenerative eye disease, Stargardt macular dystrophy “When you find out that your kid has this condition, or any condition, as a parent you just go ‘wait. Okay so how do I fix it? What do I do?... And they say, nothing’. That is pretty extraordinary”. And she explains why hope is now a real part of their lives once again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KNET2RQA7FDCHPCB5N2FUBP5D4","additional_properties":{"_id":"DVF2QNMVRJH2JJRKNXPBVD2ODI"},"content":"Victoria Smurfit: ‘Postnatal depression is very real. You feel crazy’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"XS6WONSAMBAAFA54OSKLKR2IAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854997},"content":"After the birth of her third child, Flynn, Victoria had postnatal depression. She discusses sobbing on the street in Ranelagh, and the realisation that something was very wrong. “I was aware something was very wrong when I was in the hallway staring at the back of the hall door going ‘I could just walk out. Someone would find them. They’d be okay. I could just leave’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VAWSQKHJAVDHXJGT6FSCLJ5IJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854998},"content":"Victoria also talks about what it’s like to be a stepmother; why she believes micromanagement is “one of the worst things you can do” when it comes to parenting; and she shares how she’s coping now that her eldest child has flown the nest.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DKPERLST5NGNPKXIBW72AINCU4","additional_properties":{"_id":"G5BQEZ6NWVFF7FTBMMQHEIW2DA"},"content":"Rivals: The thrusting bum is intercut with spurting soap and overflowing champagne. We are in safe, if filthy, hands","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5ANRTHJT5FAY5EDTFXGLGV2RTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864855000},"content":"Listen to this episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQN7ZVWS3BBQHESON3ZDWE4T4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730153069228},"content":"Rivals is out now on Disney+.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan: In this episode Hollywood actor Victoria Smurfit talks about how her children are coping with their mother’s steamy role in Rivals"},"display_date":"2024-10-29T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Victoria Smurfit: ‘Postpartum depression had me manically sobbing in the middle of Ranelagh’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"64SYN4AMFJ76JY3RVUZPX7DMNM","auth":{"1":"5d198db940c913879a3a5933c4e40467a9bea8d7e1ee6d5dabf6deba3341d01d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/64SYN4AMFJ76JY3RVUZPX7DMNM.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2438.909333,"episodeTitle":"The Hollywood actor on adversity, hope and the battle to save her daughter's sight","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/671a376dfc51791280c40520.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/victoria-smurfit-postpartum-depression-had-me-manically-sobbing-in-the-middle-of-ranelagh/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"GFBZGAPD6FC5JJRT4PK7BDX35Q","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":520,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d4ab64cc-78a0-4f26-8a83-9096d9a376e9/versions/1729524899/media/4410b8c3656f42d3b60a6730796f1501_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/","content_elements":[{"_id":"GRBNOZOAAVFZNHPIBKVHDP6TWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920562},"content":"Unconditional love and believing their children to be the best thing that has ever happened to them: that’s how <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents </a>should feel and think about their children, we’re led to believe. And, typically, many parents do, even if there are times the children drive them to distraction. But these are easy things to say. This is the socially acceptable position to take about parenthood, in all its chaotic splendour.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"6VK3KGFQ65DSRDDADQJDQKVHRM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"U7WACBZ5ERGERNY7ACA3YSHI2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920563},"content":"Admitting parenthood isn’t all that, and maybe even something you think you shouldn’t have signed up to, on the other hand – well that’s a whole other conversation. And one you’re not likely to hear discussed openly.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XQF54BKFDFCYHGDVGB2QAXOFPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729100482234},"content":"Regretting parenthood, or wishing you hadn’t had some of your children, is a deeply guarded secret for some parents. And it’s one of the biggest <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenting </a>taboos. But just because something isn’t openly discussed, doesn’t mean it isn’t felt by plenty.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZAEBAQ63TNGJHBOJGANKBSMLXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920564},"content":"Maria was married for almost a decade before she decided to have children. “I just wasn’t a kiddie type of a person,” she says. “It didn’t appeal to me.” However, as her friends began to have children, she started to feel a bit “left out”. The couple were “will we, won’t we?” she says, before deciding they would have children. But, she adds, “I probably shouldn’t say this, but the husband often says, ‘if we hadn’t had those kids ... we could be on a beach in Spain or a beach in Portugal and retired by now’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LPNJMPM7GREXTBTNPWGBPGLWMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920565},"content":"“My husband would definitely say, if it were all to be done again, he wouldn’t do it. Me, I would say, the fear of missing out would keep me at it again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KQ7QQ2ACCRFL7NTG26OEHHFP44","additional_properties":{"_id":1729100482238},"content":"The couple had a second child, as Maria is an only child and she didn’t want her child to be an only child too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHOPDLG7VBGEXDBP6QCVU3VUHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920566},"content":"One of Maria’s children is <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autistic</a>. She also has a teenager. “It’s not for the faint-hearted and nobody tells you. And even when you’re pregnant, all you think about is a cute little baby at the end of it. You don’t think about the practicalities of having to feed this [child] morning, noon and night, every day, several times a day and it’ll be thrown back at you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TLYJ5XKAABBYDFOYVCY35UFJFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729100482240},"content":"Having a child with additional needs makes things “a lot more complex”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K75MB25IOZFELCTBNSJAQESDNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920567},"content":"Maria believes people go into parenthood “completely with the eyes closed and with an idealised view of what it’s going to be like”. Parenthood is not what she expected, and she says she would caution other people before deciding to have children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TJIHBRVL4REHHPHRVOVFT3OCYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"KJPXMNQHLZDYFJ2DGTNPILZQIY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"25H7DR7G2RHARJZNWPFDGPHOPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920568},"content":"She would tell anyone considering parenthood to “think it through. Don’t think about having a lovely little adorable bundle that is going to be cutesy and lovely. Think about the bleeding nipples, and the night-time feeds, and the screaming and roaring, and then what’ll come after that. When they’re portable, they’re one thing. When they speak back, they’re another.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WI6FARH4HFDCJH22SYRCWP4DNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920569},"content":"Samantha has four children. They’re all adults now, but three of them still live at home, she says. “Not only is [parenting] the hardest job, it’s the most thankless job,” she says. “I look at new babies and their mothers cooing over them and I’m like, ‘Enjoy it. Enjoy it while it lasts.’ Samantha enjoyed being pregnant, and giving birth and says the most amazing gift you’ll ever have “is having that baby put into your arms”, and she enjoyed having younger children. But she feels the current generation of young adults is “entitled and selfish”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UPIYNYCVQ5EWXIZRTEMCE4Z4XM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920571},"content":"“There are some times I regret having the kids,” she says. “They’re adults now and it’s now that I’m regretting it, rather than when I was younger. Which seems strange, because you would think they’re older, they’re adults, they have their own lives and they’re not going to interfere with yours.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XZW4AEAHSVDW7CKTNYZ5RYEELI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398817},"content":"She says she gets “zero respect” from her children most of the time. She tries “to set boundaries and they’re just walked all over”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMVK2WJYDZEK5BRDVXPLWQE53U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920572},"content":"She was a strict parent, she says, when her children were growing up. She and her partner are no longer together, and she says that although her children were not the cause of her relationship breaking down, they did play a role in the break-up. She had anticipated having some freedom as they got older, but the fact that they’re still living at home prevented her and her partner pursuing their long-term plans, placing an unsustainable pressure of her relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5DZO4WMYC5CQPKONJ3X3JN2F2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920573},"content":"Samantha doesn’t feel this is something her children care about. She expected this stage of her life, with adult children, to “be easier”. But life hasn’t turned out that way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D5HTGJHI2NAR5AHDWV2MYEGZZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920574},"content":"“Parenting is hard,” she says. She wonders whether, if her first two children hadn’t been the same gender, she’d have “continued” having children. She says the worry never ends, irrespective of your children’s age. “But there are times I think: f**k, why did I ever have them? Life would be so much simpler if I didn’t have kids. And I shouldn’t be saying that with adult children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4EHTFCUF7FEU7DX3D5TCYFQMQI","additional_properties":{"_id":"TUWMWYLS4JBFNM7YO6DSRTVD34"},"content":"Childfree by choice: ‘There’s a narrative that your life is either Sex and the City glamour or cat lady’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"GEE5ZPJH4RAWHCR7MV6VS5HQJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920575},"content":"Ciarán has had “so many moments of regret” when it comes to parenthood. “They always seem to happen when I’ve been taxi driver, ferrying people about. School runs, shopping, soccer training, parents’ evenings and hospital appointments. There was a month when I seemed to be on the road from 8am until 11pm every single day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3B6DPCU2KNC6BF6DFNQV37A7GY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398822},"content":"He doesn’t feel he can admit publicly to regretting parenthood, or that he wouldn’t have children if he was to live his life over again. He fears doing so would mean he’d incur the wrath of those who “absolutely adore every minute of parenthood”, or “who can’t have children”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TQBHXG3SBDVFJL2BDXEZARKLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398823},"content":"He has even told two of his children that they shouldn’t have children themselves in the future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6KXJGSNBZF5JF4DJU3J7JQHGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920577},"content":"It’s not parenthood so much that Ciarán has the problem with. “I quite enjoy that,” he says, apart from the “tantrums, meltdowns and misbehaviour”. His issue is with how parenthood and expectations of parenthood have changed. “I left school thinking: if I got a job, find a girl, settle down and have kids, raise them, they’d move out and do the same. The housing crisis and having children with special needs has put a dent in that bit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VEPJF2ZHRVGMXEUB6XNFBJURDA","additional_properties":{"_id":"3NK5H6MAJVBJ5KWROBI7QQH6ZU"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-30304","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"UDL3D7647ZCNHC6RGJ35JZFZG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920578},"content":"Ciarán, who was adopted, misses the life he could have had. Being adopted, himself, made him want to have biological children of his own, he says. “If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been so desperate to have a family of my own.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HH4QFJMY55AV3L6GVLPIHXJJKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398826},"content":"Parental regret is something you would typically see “in the moment”, says Dr Colman Noctor, child and adolescent psychotherapist. A regret where you might “temporarily think, ‘I should never have had a child – this burden is too big’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X4AC2OWMHZDW3EDA54NFFTHCFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398827},"content":"It can occur, he says “during an argument, or tension, when a child is ill, or sick, or in hospital”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFT5BEGW2NFHTFSFDBBQCASTUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920580},"content":"With these sort of things “people can express regret in that moment. It would be more unusual for someone to say conclusively, ‘I should never have had kids – I constantly regret it and my mind never shifts from that’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O3VHRRN2IRBDLBG2NJE3TT2QC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398829},"content":"Noctor says there can be occasions where a child may be proving particularly testing for a parent and a parent may say, in that moment, “I wish I never had him. Or I wish he wasn’t my son. Or my daughter.” But this, says Noctor, is typically a “transitory” thing. “A heat of the moment experience, rather than it being something that is sustained and conclusive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BGG74GTD3ZDXHICQZ2FMVDVEW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920582},"content":"And transient feelings of regret are not something parents should feel guilty about, Noctor believes. “This is normal and fleeting.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZACB7HNWIJDRDJZJC7JXC4TI54","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398831},"content":"“Permanent feelings [of regret] are a different story”, though he would advise a parent to talk to someone if they found themselves falling into this category. “Parents don’t always love their children. Many do love them, but at times of stress aren’t ‘in love’ with them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3RQ52TY6YNHP7CVHZTQOE7V4LY","additional_properties":{"_id":"D22JE2UK4NE6XBLWOFR5TVNJVI"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"DQIVGID6VREYTMQBJD4HI2YPHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730109671287},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"TXVXIHGRLFC4RA6H56JJIQ5EIU","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting Taboos: Regretting parenthood, or wishing you hadn’t had some of your children, is a deeply guarded secret for some parents"},"display_date":"2024-10-29T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘There are times I regret having kids. They’re adults, and it’s now that I’m regretting it, which seems strange’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"},"basic":{"display":true,"text":"Top Stories of 2024"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"L7W4UY2QFBFGRFH7CSJTDKTDC4","auth":{"1":"25b4d37accf6f68e007461a82d0ed9875f94e3268cc8e4e0525d23667c3257d7"},"focal_point":{"x":2208,"y":694},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/L7W4UY2QFBFGRFH7CSJTDKTDC4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"HHTAYQSV3VCGJKIOBKG4DQTBHY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":327,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/c6d3e89a-a526-482e-afc7-86dbdb03125b/versions/1729592766/media/6a4affac9182d93e5c3231a56562175f_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/28/some-ideas-for-parents-that-may-make-the-week-a-little-less-ghastly-for-all/","content_elements":[{"_id":"ZGVLJBIWOBDZTHFD37HEWJFVIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440511},"content":"“It’s gone ridiculous,” a friend said. “We’re like the States now. Turning <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/halloween/\" target=\"_blank\">Halloween</a> into another Christmas.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AK3KDDR5YBFLVJJYXHWALFUA5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1729591947818},"content":"And lookit, she’s probably right about bits of it. I mean what’s this “trick or treat” nonsense for one? When clearly it should be “help the Halloween party”. It’s a bit like that whole weird “mum” thing that some Irish people (including my own children) insist on calling their mothers, when obviously the only acceptable option is “mam”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PBDTUEWOVZFSBHGO6GUQRT7S3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440512},"content":"But, anyway, bah Halloween-bug to all who resist. And season’s greetings to those who, like me, revel in the magnificence of the occasion. Life’s too short and, let’s be honest, too grim on occasion to resist the opportunity for some frightful festivities. And so ghosts, pumpkins and random limbs on chains have hung outside our house now for near on a month. With some Halloween lights weaved through the hedging, as the ancient pagans would have wanted.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XUVARIQDVBOHBN5S45ZMTV3NM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440513},"content":"And though last Friday nearly tipped me over the edge as I battled with face-paint, masks and decidedly unblackbaggy-based costumes, at stupid o’clock in the morning so that I could achieve the appropriate levels of scariness and still be on time for school, I am ready to embrace the scariest week of them all (well, in term 1). Yes, I’m talking about midterm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3OSESJKJFBAILO54FJYHIAPYD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440514},"content":"Love it or loathe it, the juggle is back on, so here’s some terrifyingly good ideas I’ve tried and tested that may make the week a little less ghastly for all.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TGKNPCCZGFF2RHMQ6NGASEDVRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440515},"content":"1) Try a Halloween experience: Okay, so, this is a bit like the whole Christmas experience thing, but if your kids love dressing up and want some spooky feels that aren’t scary, there are lots of options available. <a href=\"https://luggwoodsevents.com/\" target=\"_blank\">Luggwoods </a>(outside Saggart Village in South Co Dublin) and the <a href=\"https://www.thehauntedtrail.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Haunted Trail</a> in both Malahide Castle (north Co Dublin) and Palmerstown House Estate (Co Kildare) are two that are aimed at younger children. As outdoor events, suitable clothing under the costumes is a must, and terrain at Luggwoods is difficult with a buggy, so it’s worth bearing that in mind if you can possibly manage without it. The Haunted Trail is accessible.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YQ2BU7RHIRC6BM4Y6V4XQ6SSYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440516},"content":"For the teens, the <a href=\"https://thenightmarerealm.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Nightmare Realm</a> (at Mary’s Lane, Dublin 1) is always a huge hit with the teenagers here. But it’s terrifying – the actors never break character. So, you might prefer to let them go alone, if you’re a scaredy cat like me!","type":"text"},{"_id":"JNNDRZXLUJDA7HZF2EGDHUECGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440517},"content":"The Tricky Trail at <a href=\"https://www.emeraldpark.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Emerald Park</a> (outside Ashbourne, Co Meath) can be a hit with all the ages, meanwhile. The trail itself is probably more suitable for those 10 and under – but there are rollercoasters and lots of other rides for all ages to enjoy while you’re there. So, if you’ve a wide age spread, there’s something for everyone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DANLA7Y2NGCVENRIAGCKXG3EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440518},"content":"2) <a href=\"https://hookheritage.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Hook Head Lighthouse</a> (Co Wexford): “It’s a brutal day for it,” I thought as we set off to explore Ireland’s oldest lighthouse, while the rain bucketed down and the winds blew a gale. Whereas the reality was it actually added to the whole experience. Hook Lighthouse is the oldest fully intact and fully operational lighthouse in the world and the guided tour of the lighthouse is excellent and really worth doing. The tour is interactive, which helps to keep the kids interested, and walking the stairs to the top (which are in between the walls) gives you an idea of the trek involved for those who operated the lighthouse in times gone by. Plus, the view from the top is simply spectacular. Just hold on to your hat, though. And dress warm!","type":"text"},{"_id":"JCYUN3IUOBBZ5MPJBDR5UOONLY","additional_properties":{"_id":"QUGE7LYPVNGLJCVDBSLYRN3DQU"},"content":"‘The graveyard of 1,000 ships’: How Hook lighthouse has offered protection to sailors for centuries","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"CRZOI3P3YJEYDEWX6Y2JQGGWVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440519},"content":"If you decide to take in an overnight break, while visiting the lighthouse, the Ferrycarrig Hotel has what those of us with larger families need from hotels – interconnecting rooms! And if that’s not enough, there’s a leisure centre with a kid’s pool and a family-friendly restaurant.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RRDZ4JVNAJEZ5EBZXXDWIALEYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440520},"content":"3. <a href=\"https://www.wildlands.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Wildlands in Galway</a> is a place you can visit for the day, or you can stay in one of their adorable cabins (and again there’s room for big families). There’s lots of different activities, suitable for all the different ages. Our personal favourites here were the Celtic challenge rooms, the ninja course and disc golf.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W37RPNCORJHJZPNPC3EJGFAIZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440521},"content":"And because it’s Halloween, there’s a Halloween dress-up murder mystery orienteering activity. Wildlands is a place for warm clothes and practical shoes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VDXDMEH4XRDHXJWM4MYKQMNPHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440522},"content":"4. Halloween movies and books: Whether it’s in the cinema or on streaming services, there are lots of suitably spooky movies available for children of all ages. From Beetlejuice to Hocus Pocus, the Addams Family or the gorgeous Coco, Halloween movies needn’t be utterly terrifying.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HONZLOSECRDERA2MWQFETVOSGY","additional_properties":{"_id":"ODD3N5KFTRDNPHUE4FVMJRA36U"},"content":"Children’s fiction: Ghost stories for Samhain and tales of female fearlessness","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"SKJZUQY64BBGTH7SU5KB74FPVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440523},"content":"And the same goes for books. If you’d like to get them off screens, tell a ghost story, or get them reading. This year’s favoured spooky book here is Haunted Ireland: an Atlas of Ghost Stories from Every County by Kieran Fanning. The shock of learning a shopping centre in Carlow, where Gran and Grumps live, is haunted, has sent ripples through chez Hogan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQX5BY2BTNFHRCIMA4ZPE6WPHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440524},"content":"Happy Halloween!","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Jen Hogan: Halloween and midterm are coming but don’t be afraid, because there’s plenty that you and the kids might enjoy, from a haunted trail in north Dublin to a ninja course in Galway and a book with ghost stories from every county"},"display_date":"2024-10-28T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Some ideas for parents that may make the week a little less ghastly for all","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"UYQCVVPKNRA7DB2QXTWJROQOLI","auth":{"1":"772a1365ead5eab589ac5aca65f2da6e26696fd256a48a65bac1f096e47199a4"},"focal_point":{"x":1890,"y":1110},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/UYQCVVPKNRA7DB2QXTWJROQOLI.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/28/some-ideas-for-parents-that-may-make-the-week-a-little-less-ghastly-for-all/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"UN4DZXU6YRBJZIKMCN27YXS3ZM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":999,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/6e097a80-ff9a-45a7-89ea-6c510de01a80/versions/1729688270/media/ed9742b068814d88570e07264c4adb77_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/culture/2024/10/23/halloween-in-ireland-county-by-county-guide-to-the-best-free-family-events/","content_elements":[{"_id":"BBPBVY4IT5DHXMZJMLDRHWXJOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787539},"content":"Finding spooky-themed things to do as a family during the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/halloween/\" target=\"_blank\">Halloween</a> holidays can be scary enough, especially when you have a tight budget. Luckily for you, we have compiled a list of free things for families to do during the midterm break in each county.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFKLOIOG5VBL7GVTDMH5RL75XQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"BGWVFYDEXFA7LMTHWOQEVL33KI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"W5M3NWOQWBDQ7A5ORQMDD4XC24","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787540},"content":"Antrim","type":"header"},{"_id":"VPHT3QO42BG4LKFIKJ4R3GEVXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435710},"content":"Larne Park’s Halloween Hooley in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/antrim\" target=\"_blank\">Antrim</a> welcomes visitors on October 29th from 6-8:30pm. There’s plenty of festive fun to be had – from fire juggling shows and live music to spooky storytelling and a UV disco. Come along and meet some of your favourite Halloween characters on a self-guided walk through the park, which takes about an hour to complete. <a href=\"https://www.midandeastantrim.gov.uk/events/halloween-hooley-at-larne-town-park\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"SNWRO5A3FBBAFN3R5M2BC6MU64","additional_properties":{"_id":1729640119476},"content":"Screams and Tricks at V36 in Newtownabbey promises thrills and chills for all the family, whether you want to hop on board the more daring rides or wander through the haunted house. The park’s amusements will be available to enjoy between Friday, October 25th and Sunday, November 3rd, from 5-9pm, with an adapted session on Sunday, 27th October from 2-4pm when light and sound levels on the funfair attractions will be reduced. Entry is free but you should book your tickets in advance <a href=\"https://discovernorthernireland.com/whats-on/screams-and-tricks-at-v36-p927531\" target=\"_blank\">here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQLJO6KM5NAMFF4UIHZW4K65VY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787543},"content":"Armagh","type":"header"},{"_id":"SHBUF2J2DNBDVFAP4ZUKKZUELM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787544},"content":"Head down to Craigavon Lakes in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/armagh\" target=\"_blank\">Armagh</a> this October 31st for the return of their annual fireworks extravaganza. The display gets started at 7.30pm. Costumes are encouraged so make sure to show up in your most fang-tastic finery to watch as Craigavon lights up the night.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QI26LMRPJDRRPHY4SVD6FSZDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787546},"content":"Carlow","type":"header"},{"_id":"UGTGW7BEHBELNIAVZZDGAAASF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435715},"content":"Mark the end of the harvest season and the start of winter with Visual’s Samhain Festival in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/carlow\" target=\"_blank\">Carlow</a>, which will take place between Friday, October 25th and Sunday, October 27th. There will be terrifying theatre, heart-pounding scavenger hunts, workshops, talks and mesmerising music galore to keep you entertained through the weekend. Find out more about the activities in store <a href=\"https://visualcarlow.ie/whats-on/samhain-festival-2024\" target=\"_blank\">here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XZBHGBXEQFBU5DI74L4URV5H5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787549},"content":"Cavan","type":"header"},{"_id":"WDNORNT7RFADNLAUL7I5Q7KJFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787550},"content":"Erica’s Fairy Forest is located in Fairgreen, on the Old Bridge Road, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cavan/\" target=\"_blank\">Cavan</a>, right by the border to Co Monaghan. Dedicated to fairy-loving Erica Ní Draighneain, who died of cancer aged five years old in 2016, the trail contains classic fairy stories throughout. It will be decorated with suitably spooky decor for the Halloween season.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2OVWXGRSIFGABGY2G7YDFNXXEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435720},"content":"Castlerahan Community Centre is hosting a free Creepy Coding & Crafts Camp on October 28th and 29th from 10am-12pm. Booking is required as spaces are limited and parents must attend. Enquiries can be made through Ann Kinsella on 086 6018559.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N2FNMHI2BJHXTMF24FJVYLDTW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787551},"content":"Clare","type":"header"},{"_id":"VOSFHBKJJJHHFJIS42LIPWNLOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435722},"content":"Join <a href=\"https://clarelibraries.ie/instance/4643/\" target=\"_blank\">Ennis Library’s</a> Eilish for a Halloween storytime and craft session on October 29th in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/clare/\" target=\"_blank\">Clare</a> aimed at children ages 3-7 years old. The event starts at 3:30pm and is expected to last an hour. Dressing up is optional! Contact de Valera Library to book your place.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R6V5SCZ4AJCSNA46DN3ROMBL7A","additional_properties":{"_id":"KWJ6AIFOSVDYDEJRINUYQVG3GQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"HSLSGYLH4NDFPC3ESMXSNVGOIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787554},"content":"Cork","type":"header"},{"_id":"VQK5JX63SVE3XPYCKNGRP7HHCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258191},"content":"Charles Fort in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cork/\" target=\"_blank\">Cork</a> is holding its Halloween Gruesome Ghostly Trail from Saturday, October 26th to Sunday, November 3rd. Discover eight tags hidden around the fort with tales of terrifying spirits that have roamed the military fortress for centuries. Children under 12 go free. <a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/charles-forts-gruesome-ghostly-trail/\" target=\"_blank\">Learn more here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKRKQ2PKTRGGRFSKPP5RFHBJUE","additional_properties":{"_id":"GIXD3OKM2BBZPP3SXSLITHTU7U"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"BILZQ3E2LVBFBP67CM6ZRUVDBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787556},"content":"Derry","type":"header"},{"_id":"UKP5IFEBLNGBLO2ZMTCDM5XPLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787557},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/derry\" target=\"_blank\">Derry</a> Halloween, also known as Europe’s largest Halloween festival, will run from October 28th-31st. A variety of free events will be available for all ages, including highlights such as a carnival parade on Halloween night at 7pm and a fireworks display over the river Foyle starting at 8.15pm. <a href=\"https://derryhalloween.com/\" target=\"_blank\">See more here</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2N4FYMSY3JC6DEKVVUZZFHJSUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787558},"content":"Donegal","type":"header"},{"_id":"F4RA4TFI4FB2RLBIWSUE6VRU4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787559},"content":"A Halloween Craft Market will be held in Bundoran Community Centre in Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/donegal\" target=\"_blank\">Donegal</a> on Saturday, October 26th and Sunday, October 27th from noon to 5pm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RINCGO4UYJFKRLZKXB6VL5IJRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729640119492},"content":"Letterkenny’s annual Halloween Fest on Thursday 31st also offers fun for all the family, with activities such as a trick or treat trail in participating shops from 1-3pm (list available at Market Centre), Witch Gertude Storytelling sessions at 1:30pm and 2:30pm in the Central Library and a fancy dress competition. This year’s festival parade will be leaving McGettigans Hotel at 4pm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53JZTHBLKZEGBKBRDU7UXQLWLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787560},"content":"Down","type":"header"},{"_id":"J7RVP462DVCH5IHWSVXB7CTTEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787561},"content":"Why not celebrate Halloween at Hillsborough Castle and Gardens in Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/down\" target=\"_blank\">Down</a>, there’s a bunch of activities to immerse yourself and the kids in from October 26th to November 3rd. Navigate the twisty maze, spot some scarecrows and carve your own pumpkin. Or maybe you’d fancy challenging the family to some classic Halloween games – from conker tournaments to apple bobbing and welly tossing there’s something for everyone. See their website for <a href=\"https://www.hrp.org.uk/hillsborough-castle/whats-on/halloween-at-hillsborough-castle-and-gardens/#gs.h20p1r\" target=\"_blank\">further details.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"2RACUTK5EFBVXAKCNG2FZEPDOE","additional_properties":{"_id":"IVSS7L6545EWDJRYBVAWDFN2NY"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"NWJSY2Q3AVEJDDTHSPDPEHJ6NU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787562},"content":"Dublin","type":"header"},{"_id":"L3GVIQ4KYJHNJDUDVUKKPRQXBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787563},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dublin\" target=\"_blank\">Dublin</a> City Council has a jam-packed line-up of events in collaboration with community groups across the city for spooky season, including the Liberties Haunt with its street performers and live performances, and Dockers & Demons featuring haunted house experiences and arts and crafts workshops. Ringsend’s Big Top Festival Circus tent will come alive with eerie entertainment on October 30th and 31st. Find out more about these free events at <a href=\"https://www.dublincity.ie/events?type=779\" target=\"_blank\">dublincity.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"TYCBPFKLQFDEVKPTFHYSS7VLQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729619950229},"content":"A firm annual favourite on the Halloween calendar, the Bram Stoker Festival has a full programme of events on offer for those in the capital city, home of the Dracula author, from October 25th-28th. While some activities need to be paid for, there are also many free ones including Frank & McStein’s Monster Laboratory (an exciting fire spectacle taking place at Dublin Castle) and pop-up Victorian fun park Stokerland. Find details of these and much more on their official <a href=\"https://bramstokerfestival.com/en/page/whats-on/?filter=free\" target=\"_blank\">website.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVMXF4JWMNEP7OGJMU5LBSZFEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787568},"content":"Fermanagh","type":"header"},{"_id":"GWUKY74KB5G33O6EOOU7U45CTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787569},"content":"In Enniskillen, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/fermanagh\" target=\"_blank\">Fermanagh</a> there will be a Halloween parade and fireworks display to look forward to on October 31st, with events kicking off from 4:30pm and fireworks expected to begin after dark at about 8pm. The parade promises puppets and dancers galore, all to be followed by some free ice cream and activities such as face painting in the town centre. DJ Bob will also be providing tunes in the Diamond.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YXLIR7EJANFRXFJHKFTOOOOF6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":"SBXDLTXRIFFK5PPTDYHF4C7J6A"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"2BIDQAQ7D5AN5HE4A6BU2FPQCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787570},"content":"Galway","type":"header"},{"_id":"2OZMGDECTFHU3CU44DNFCZ3CLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787571},"content":"Award-winning theatre company Macnas are inviting everyone to join them in welcoming a special visitor to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/galway/\" target=\"_blank\">Galway</a> this Halloween, Alf the Newt. Alf will be making his journey through the city on Saturday and Sunday, 26th -27th October, beginning at the Quadrangle until eventually arriving at his new home in the Claddagh on Sunday evening. Children and parents alike are encouraged to join Alf on his route or come and say hello in Eyre Square, where he will be resting from 1-10pm Saturday and 10am-6pm Sunday.<a href=\"https://thisisgalway.ie/event/macnas-halloween-parade-2024/\" target=\"_blank\"> Find out more here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"L676NN5OP5CTLKF4ZFSRVXXOUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729608556878},"content":"Aughnanure Castle will be hosting a range of free events from Saturday, October 26th to Monday, October 28th, starting with a short play, Paranoiacs Anonymous by Hy-FAE Artist’s Collective, taking place on the castle’s top floor. Although this performance is not recommended for children, there will be storytelling, spooky face painting, a family scavenger hunt, a costume competition and much more to keep the kids entertained on Sunday 27th. See <a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/halloween-at-aughnanure-castle/\" target=\"_blank\">heritageireland.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"BE5SCPFE7ZHG3KAWJ4IZUODOIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787573},"content":"Kerry","type":"header"},{"_id":"QGSGLFDAYJHHLNJJQA2ZMVIMMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435740},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/kerry\" target=\"_blank\">Kerry</a>’s Homecoming Festival will run from October 18th to November 1st, with almost 50 free events and activities to enjoy. Highlights range from storytelling, stargazing and Jack-o-lantern carving to genealogy workshops and heritage talks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RK467ZQJCFAUJBGRYUBCRRYWAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787575},"content":"Kildare","type":"header"},{"_id":"VWW6LROLOFEQVNIKYSDOZNVPLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787576},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/kildare\" target=\"_blank\">Athy</a>’s annual Halloween Spooktacular will take place on Halloween night starting in Emily Square with a fancy dress parade at 6.30pm. An evening full of activity is promised, with a laser drumming show and prizes for the best carved pumpkin and best fancy dress to be won.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KOQYUCT3PFDE5GRO45CVHWBODQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435743},"content":"Newbridge’s Whitewater Shopping Centre are also holding some seasonal activities to warm up for the big event, including face painting and a petting zoo which will be open on Monday 28th from 2-5pm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZPBMNLYEJCGTEUTPK25TTE3DA","additional_properties":{"_id":"QE7HE2U4AVCRXESXEO25PI64YY"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"UWSYKZLAXVE57POBIS7SFLH3OI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787577},"content":"Kilkenny","type":"header"},{"_id":"DYT5EPLIKNALPPD5TZP4XCKI2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1729619950240},"content":"Step back in time to 1324 and uncover the chilling tale of Ireland’s first witchcraft trial during <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/kilkenny\" target=\"_blank\">Kilkenny</a>’s newest festival, Toil & Trouble, running from October 28th to November 3rd. Through various exhibitions, workshops, lectures and walking tours in the town you can learn the story of Alice Kyteler, who was accused of witchcraft and heresy by the Bishop of Ossory, Richard Ledrede. The festival also explores the tragic fate of Petronella de Meath, the first person in Ireland to be executed for witchcraft. Discover all the ways you can commemorate the 700th anniversary of these dark events on their <a href=\"https://content.kilkenny.ie/toilandtrouble/index.html\" target=\"_blank\">website.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"GZ56UX7UYRH7JJQQNKL7BAYKGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787580},"content":"Laois","type":"header"},{"_id":"WPNGTKWNRFHIXG3OKUOMI6SDWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787581},"content":"Take in the Halloween atmosphere with some festive markets in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/laois/\" target=\"_blank\">Laois</a>. Glenbarrow Halloween Market on October 26th kicks off at 11am, carrying on until 5pm, and Bloom HQ’s Halloween Market at the Macra Hall will offer even more arts and crafts, face painting and seasonal goodies on the same day if you prefer an indoor setting. The latter option begins at 11am, wrapping up at 1:30pm. <a href=\"https://laoistourism.ie/2024/spooktacular-events-to-celebrate-halloween-in-laois.html\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5QG2CWSFUREWFPNVDVG2CIIXZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787582},"content":"Leitrim","type":"header"},{"_id":"KN4E5XSRFBAZPPZZTUKTMGYNLY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787583},"content":"<a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/spooky-halloween-tales-at-parkes-castle/\" target=\"_blank\">Parke’s Castle</a> in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/leitrim\" target=\"_blank\">Leitrim</a> will host its Spooky Halloween Tales event on Monday, 28th October from 12-4pm. Brave souls are encouraged to come along for an afternoon of ghost stories, face painting and fancy dress. If you get lucky you might even catch a glimpse of the castle’s very own ghost, Lady Anne.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BAR4MVB6SJDP7B6HCGIHJPSTEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"KCGN6BCQNFEDJFHX77ARJVNSEI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"73PC7TOESNC3TGPTOT5F2YXVCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787584},"content":"Limerick","type":"header"},{"_id":"6AX6UT2JIZCR5MF32X3ALD36RA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787585},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/limerick/\" target=\"_blank\">Limerick</a>’s Lumen Street Theatre will present their Fire and Shadows Parade at the city’s Samhain Halloween Festival this bank holiday weekend. Make sure to gather outside the Potato Market at 7pm to catch the beginning of the parade on Saturday 26th.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6EX5CQ6LKNAOVBKWUBWGXJK4TA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258217},"content":"Other events to look forward to include historian Dr Paul O’Brien’s night-time tour of St John’s Churchyard on Friday 25th, starting at 8pm, and Drunken Thady and The Bishops Lady, running from October 20th to 28th at the Watchhouse Library. <a href=\"https://www.limerick.ie/council/newsroom/news/halloween-in-limerick-2024-lots-of-tricks-plenty-of-treats\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"NLBZGQDYAFA4NAIGCGUP7GYUYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787586},"content":"Longford","type":"header"},{"_id":"6EX5CQ6LKNAOVBKWUBWGXJK4TA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258217},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/longford\" target=\"_blank\">Longford</a> Library is offering a series of Halloween events aimed at young children that will place between October 29th and 31st. From a spooky movie screening and an arts and crafts workshop to spooky storytelling with Maggi – there will be endless entertainment. All activities are free but booking is required.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4KNAB7GEZFHWNDTEQ3KLA3S4SU","additional_properties":{"_id":"FXRBG5EJSNGO3ABM5ERIEECTAI"},"content":"<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBPILUnvq-X/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\"><div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBPILUnvq-X/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\"> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"></div></div></div><div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https://www.w3.org/2000/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\"> <div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\"><div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: auto;\"> <div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"></div></div></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"></div></div></a><p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBPILUnvq-X/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Lú Festival of Light, Drogheda (@lu_festival_of_light_drogheda)</a></p></div></blockquote>\r\n<script async src=\"//www.instagram.com/embed.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"ZAJTMC6BK5DTZB5TYKDE5XEFMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787588},"content":"Louth","type":"header"},{"_id":"CEUBTLA2MBFMVI6JUNA3XGIAYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258220},"content":"Lú Festival of Light in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/louth\" target=\"_blank\">Louth</a> will take place over two weekends, running from October 25th-27th and October 31st to November 3rd in Drogheda. The display of urban animation is free to attend, with four shows taking place per hour at many key locations in the town such as Drogheda’s Old Abbey, St Peters Church, St Dominic’s Bridge and St Laurence’s Gate. The illuminations focus on magical stories rooted in the Boyne Valley region, including those of Boann, the Salmon of Knowledge, Amergin and the Gods of Newgrange. See <a href=\"http://lufestivaloflight.com/\" target=\"_blank\">lufestivaloflight.com</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"VQTTDNG5S5DJFB2GTK73KVZULM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787590},"content":"Mayo","type":"header"},{"_id":"JV52HZ4JAJCMTPDPCADHKPFFBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787591},"content":"The National Museum of Ireland – Country Life has an exciting Halloween programme lined up in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mayo\" target=\"_blank\">Mayo</a>, with plenty of free activities and performances taking place between October 25th and November 3rd. From storytelling with Fiona Dowling, drop-in craft workshops such as Halloween mask making with artist Carmel Balfe, and a scary objects activity trail – there’s something creative and educational for the whole family. See NMI website for<a href=\"https://www.museum.ie/en-IE/Museums/Country-Life/Events\" target=\"_blank\"> more details.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVDM35XOVFBKVOLIEDSVZ64OPI","additional_properties":{"_id":"5VVGPPWMLBCSDA3MDQQ6DQAEF4"},"content":"<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAtAHkOq1tg/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\"><div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAtAHkOq1tg/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\"> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"></div></div></div><div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https://www.w3.org/2000/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\"> <div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\"><div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: auto;\"> <div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"></div></div></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"></div></div></a><p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAtAHkOq1tg/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Púca Festival (@pucafestivalireland)</a></p></div></blockquote>\r\n<script async src=\"//www.instagram.com/embed.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"OWZXPUKKKBAGTKFN24VBKNW4X4","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787593},"content":"Meath","type":"header"},{"_id":"IVZTIC727REJVNBQUX4TGCMR6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258224},"content":"Púca Festival is happening in Trim and Athboy, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/meath\" target=\"_blank\">Meath</a> from Thursday, October 31st to Sunday, November 3rd. Although some events are ticketed, the festival’s grand closing, starting at 6pm on November 2nd, is free. The event will consist of a procession combining creative street performance with traditional Irish music featuring a range of local talent: sean-nós singers, ancient horns, and a chorus of singers. Celebrations will continue at Trim Castle where Pyro Collective will light up the night with a fire display. See <a href=\"http://pucafestival.com/\" target=\"_blank\">pucafestival.com</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7GCNP6MGNASZGTE3TLC252IKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787595},"content":"Monaghan","type":"header"},{"_id":"LHDW3X6PVVA6DHCLAEMZ6E5LFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787596},"content":"Carrickmacross’s annual Féile Samhain will be taking place at the Carrick Emmets GAA grounds in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/monaghan\" target=\"_blank\">Monaghan</a> again this year, with gates opening at 6.30pm and fireworks kicking off at 8pm. Prizes will be presented to the best dressed children and adults on the night so make sure to come wearing your most frightful outfit.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GOPE65EP5HIXJJ2IOZLXF7NLY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787597},"content":"Offaly","type":"header"},{"_id":"D42E22FAYJCZVG72GEDN4KECAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787598},"content":"St. Mary’s Primary School in Edenderry, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/offaly\" target=\"_blank\">Offaly</a> has organised a family-friendly creative movement session led by yoga instructor Helen Keenan. The event is part of the Creative Places: Edenderry Step it Up! project funded by Healthy Offaly. Fancy dress is encouraged.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W6K7VGCTXNE73NA2IPQSCTRMKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787599},"content":"Roscommon","type":"header"},{"_id":"PRVIXWGV4ZD4ZCR5EPY6YMNGNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729608556904},"content":"Lough Key Forest and Adventure Park in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/roscommon\" target=\"_blank\">Roscommon</a> are hosting their Lough SpooKey event again this year from Sunday, October 27th until Sunday, November 3rd. There will be several family-friendly free events taking place throughout the week, including face painting and kids games with Rachel from Fierce Fun Faces, puppet shows with Custard Pie Puppets and a fancy dress disco with prizes to be won for the best dressed ghouls and goblins in attendance. See <a href=\"http://loughkey.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">loughkey.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5F52G42WGRHRFJ5FWD5XIEDOTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787601},"content":"Sligo","type":"header"},{"_id":"FIUDZAP4MNFYNMAXOYQ3JRRRPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787602},"content":"This year’s Scary Woods Walk on October 31st will take place from 10am-2pm in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/sligo\" target=\"_blank\">Sligo</a>. Organised by Tireragh community support group, this winding walk route will take you through Kilglass House and Woodland with plenty of artwork, spooky props and frights in store along the way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EBOBOJ37H5DEJHVL2RIPP7GCCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787604},"content":"Tipperary","type":"header"},{"_id":"BC5K5XYI6VBLNAFTVIMHEHM3AY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258234},"content":"For an afternoon of seasonal education in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tipperary\" target=\"_blank\">Tipperary</a>, you can learn all about the Rock of Cashel on <a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/halloween-at-the-rock-of-cashel/\" target=\"_blank\">Monday 28th October.</a> Listen to guides as they divulge chilling stories about the Rock’s history and take you on a tour through the graveyard. From tales of ghosts and grave-robbers to werewolves, there’s sure to be something that will haunt everyone in the audience. Costume attire is encouraged.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOBZ2MUSRJAD7KTI2QUH3P4JDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787606},"content":"Tyrone","type":"header"},{"_id":"FTC35XQZYJAXFJIRJUEJXSG7TE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435777},"content":"Dungannon’s Halloween Festival in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tyrone\" target=\"_blank\">Tyrone</a> is taking place in the town on Friday 25th with a fireworks display to look forward to at 7:45pm from Hill of the O’Neill. Other highlights include a bewitching fire juggler performance, DJ, face painting in the Square Box, Ranfurly House and Glasgowbury Samba Band. <a href=\"https://www.midulstercouncil.org/events-listing/events/dungannon-halloween\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQVXZZXTPRHX7IG7N3C6DOVWAA","additional_properties":{"_id":"2S4JZJAO5FBDVHIGNT4DOH2QLY"},"content":"<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBMLXhpPTbo/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\"><div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBMLXhpPTbo/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\"> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"></div></div></div><div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https://www.w3.org/2000/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\"> <div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\"><div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: auto;\"> <div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"></div></div></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"></div></div></a><p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBMLXhpPTbo/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Ireland's Ancient East (@irelandsancienteast)</a></p></div></blockquote>\r\n<script async src=\"//www.instagram.com/embed.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"U2M6HBZP3FGJFHF2MN7KKEJGGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787608},"content":"Waterford","type":"header"},{"_id":"EXAEUL25HJCFRIQFXUWXVUSDRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258238},"content":"Street spectacle creators Spraoi will return to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/waterford\" target=\"_blank\">Waterford</a> on Friday 25th October with their Samhain procession and finale performance. This year’s theme, Fire and Shadows, is inspired by An Dearg Dua, a piece of local folklore. The procession will begin adjacent to the Irish Wake Museum in Waterford’s Viking Triangle at 6pm. Waterford city will host several other fun family-friendly events over the bank holiday weekend from concerts and storytelling to amusements and food stalls. <a href=\"https://waterfordarts.com/samhain-programme/\" target=\"_blank\">Discover more here</a> and <a href=\"https://spraoi.com/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GFQMCRXBFEDTHU4C3MDJRCP74","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787610},"content":"Westmeath","type":"header"},{"_id":"NVAENHDLIJHU3EFNP7A5AR5CZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787611},"content":"Luan Gallery in Athlone, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/westmeath\" target=\"_blank\">Westmeath</a> is hosting a series of Halloween events from October 25th to 31st. The contemporary art venue will hold a free screening of the 1980 horror cult classic The Fog at 7pm on Friday, October 25th, complimenting an on-theme exhibition Tuberclerosies by artist Kevin Mooney that occupies the gallery space.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNYDCCKERNBXBI4T3ILD3WUPSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787612},"content":"Wexford","type":"header"},{"_id":"IEMSD75FRFEIDMR22WRDDV3YEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787613},"content":"Soak up some culture at Red Books in St Peter’s Square, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/wexford\" target=\"_blank\">Wexford</a> this Halloween. An evening of poetry, songs and storytelling is promised as Wexford Festival Opera’s Outspoken event will kick off in the store at 7:30pm on Friday 25th October. On Thursday 31st, you’ll find another event at Red Books coinciding with the festival: the Creepy Classics Carnival. The carnival will shine a light on some best loved spooky literary classics. Entry to both events is free, but donations will be taken for the Sanctuary Mental Wellness initiative.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2QFXE3POEJHRNNSASBAAHFCPAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787615},"content":"Wicklow","type":"header"},{"_id":"VIYA3VLAFFFKZLAL5X6MKJS6HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787616},"content":"Kilruddery House and Gardens in Bray, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/wicklow/\" target=\"_blank\">Wicklow</a> will host their Harvest Fete which runs from 10-4pm on October 26th and 27th. Enjoy this seasonal transformation of their weekly farm market – you can participate in some pumpkin carving with help from the Bray Lions or simply come along and take in the autumnal sights.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ella Sloane"}},"name":"Ella Sloane"}]},"description":{"basic":"Here’s a list of free seasonally themed things to do for families during the midterm break, right across the country"},"display_date":"2024-10-23T12:49:46.431Z","headlines":{"basic":"Halloween in Ireland: the best free family events to go and see in every county","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"U33A532MMRDTRGWMCVFKZMP5A4","auth":{"1":"5c4f0c7afd45f900b9465570c984ef9aceb9e25c082a1ff61312dba20e23cb52"},"focal_point":{"x":3495,"y":2260},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/U33A532MMRDTRGWMCVFKZMP5A4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature-smaller","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Culture"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/culture/2024/10/23/halloween-in-ireland-county-by-county-guide-to-the-best-free-family-events/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/culture","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Culture"}}}},{"_id":"7IFFJC2GC5B27IWZHFDAW4BBJ4","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/maia-dunphy-i-was-terrified-of-becoming-a-single-parent/","content_elements":[{"_id":"SOAWY5IEMBCK7DBAXHOSJKOLPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958578},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/maia-dunphy\" target=\"_blank\">Maïa Dunphy</a> came to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">motherhood</a> a bit later in life. She had her, now nine-year-old, son Tom, when she was almost 40. But in spite of others’ perceptions of her as someone who didn’t want children, she explains that it was more a case of life just getting in the way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TUTTXFOC7JFEFFYAFQFAV5C7E4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958579},"content":"“Suddenly I got to 39 and my husband said it’s time to ‘do something’ or get off the pot.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6HWPO2ZABJEORCC5F23KT4Q6TE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958580},"content":"In the latest episode of Conversations with Parents, writer and TV presenter Maïa Dunphy sits down with Jen Hogan to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of becoming a parent later in life. She explains why her parents were concerned as she broke the news to them. And how her “biggest fear in life”, became a reality, when her marriage to<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/johnny-vegas\" target=\"_blank\"> Johnny Vegas</a> broke down and she became a single parent to Tom.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QXND7BPZTVADJIJKRDXW6MAHXM","additional_properties":{"_id":"ABPAR5BIDFD5ZJGFDLCAIMQVKQ"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-61262","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"R3SRQQ5F5JA4NGURC5YZ75ORYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958581},"content":"She discusses guilt and its all-consuming nature, and explains how she tried to change her mindset.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RZMPOSWOIRHNLDP5QGTFH6ECYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958582},"content":"Maïa doesn’t believe in God. But she still decided to have her son Tom receive his <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/catholic-church\" target=\"_blank\">First Holy Communion</a>, and she tells Jen, in spite of the backlash she received on social media, why she made this decision.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GB2G4JR42JHJ7AYS72DL5NQLEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958583},"content":"She also discusses the loss of her beloved mother, who played such an important role in Tom’s upbringing, and shares how she navigated her own grief while trying to support her young son as he dealt with the loss of his granny. And she shares funny memories of her mother’s appearances in Maïa’s TV work – including that time she unsuspectingly received a box of porn!","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZTISH4ZGVFR7KKISF7QKKANKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958584},"content":"Plus, she gives her take on some modern day parenting challenges, including the world of parenting influencers and explains why she thinks one particular online game is a “necessary evil”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NAUSVTZYQFHPZABHWTPGGU3OGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958585},"content":"Listen to this episode on the player above, or search for Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan: The writer and TV star on having a one child, needing her mum and à la carte Catholicism"},"display_date":"2024-10-22T05:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Maïa Dunphy: ‘I was terrified of becoming a single parent. Now I am one’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"KWFFDKWWNPGAFZNTX4ELGVV2A4","auth":{"1":"30a87d6263e2a01a283d88b16943cefa5d8953322a96ed83565ba0c7dbe2d567"},"focal_point":{"x":711,"y":162},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/KWFFDKWWNPGAFZNTX4ELGVV2A4.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2113.733333,"episodeTitle":"The TV star discusses lone parenting, losing her mum and being an atheist raising a Catholic son","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/671653eee16fb75ed501b441.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/maia-dunphy-i-was-terrified-of-becoming-a-single-parent/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"ARCIUIWCLZFHVBFZMLIZOZC2PY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":753,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/68b1cbaf-8ee2-4f53-88eb-68c4801554d5/versions/1729070619/media/97409e5d563bee09b211c074e8453121_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/22/living-with-a-brain-tumour-i-knew-something-was-wrong-because-the-radiographers-would-not-look-at-me/","content_elements":[{"_id":"GVXWV5Z6MZG3BC7NAELNMJRUT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270916},"content":"“From today you cannot drive, you have to give up work and you can’t be on your own for longer than half an hour.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BVS4SJZGZF4VLA3L7TL27BQQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560041},"content":"For Mary de Courcy, a psychotherapist who was feeling pretty well up to that moment, this was the most shocking part of being told she had a grade-four brain tumour.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VJ6F53SX7NF43LGLAAXNWNBLOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270917},"content":"“I didn’t really have any symptoms,” she says. It was the summer of 2022 and a few weeks previously she had been on holiday in Venice when she became aware of a strange sensation of being in an echo chamber. On her return home to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/booterstown/\" target=\"_blank\">Booterstown</a>, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/dublin/\" target=\"_blank\">Co Dublin</a>, she decided to go to the GP, “who, thankfully, did not dismiss me with two paracetamol and say come back in two weeks, which she could have because I looked fine.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SWD3WUE7FBCT3JDHLLH6WZNXOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270918},"content":"Instead, she was referred to an ear, nose and throat specialist, as it seemed to be a possible ear problem. He ordered an MRI, “and I knew from the faces of the radiographers that there was something wrong because they would not look at me”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FALWJC67RFAC3MRWZI5B6IJNCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560044},"content":"Next stop was a neurologist, a person they knew, who took one look at the scan and said he did not think it was vascular. He sent her to a consultant at Beaumont who delivered the diagnosis and told her he was taking her in the following week for surgery.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B72QHB7P3ZEGZLBGNUAEAT3HSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270919},"content":"“The whole process took, say, six weeks, that’s all, from going to the GP to having the operation. So I was very lucky.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G46WJ5XLQNEB7K5HPDD5GBICCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270920},"content":"She had asked what the prognosis was without surgery.","type":"text"},{"_id":"22YH3FFEFNH6DHWCTYVWB37UBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560047},"content":"About four months, was the reply.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N7HKBMMIVZB6XJFMX5FUI5CPDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560048},"content":"And with surgery?","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKLUWZSH7FHOLAWBHY2GPEQDUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560049},"content":"Possibly 18 months to two years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JGLQZ367CVAZRFUHL2MX7V457U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270921},"content":"That was just over two years ago and de Courcy has not only this year celebrated her 70th birthday, which was a milestone she was determined to reach, but she is also back driving and singing with the National Symphony Chorus. However, she no longer practises as a psychotherapist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6NT5RFAW5C7FNHSBKJLBUWQEM","additional_properties":{"_id":"LRQABLORSJCLBH5UKV3MDCQNBA"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-74818","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"PUUPGGJZQZAKBNZSKEGG3THC7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"GPVBH5IXYRHJJNA6XORPUIRBFQ"},"content":"Brain tumour aftermath: ‘I was in complete shock for a whole year as one thing after another happened to me’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"EBLSNECHUFFPNA5Y5RLDZA4OL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270922},"content":"Although much of the year after the seven-hour operation – which left her with 42 staples across her head – passed in a blur, she does have one clear memory from the immediate aftermath. The surgeon stood at the end of her bed and told her he could not take all of the glioblastoma tumour out because, otherwise, she would have lost functionality on her left-hand side. “So I thanked him ... I haven’t lost anything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTTPWC5WZRAFDLQV4QBPQNCZ2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560052},"content":"That September she began nine months of chemotherapy and, concurrently, 42 sessions of daily radiotherapy, before her treatment concluded in May 2023. It is at this stage that brain tumour survivors often talk about feeling like they have fallen off a cliff regarding health services and other supports to help them get on with life. Brain tumours typically occur in people of working age, and there can be significant challenges in returning to employment.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GC26E5K5EJDBFKISWMBIFMO25M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270925},"content":"To look at how to address this dearth of support, researchers at the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI) have embarked on a three-year programme to explore the survivorship and rehabilitation needs of people with a brain tumour. The study is titled Brain-Restore, and has the tagline: “Surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, but now what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L4OLDJQZTVCQ7P2VTIP6W4NBGI","additional_properties":{"_id":"XJR57MOAMJC4TCSMIUX7K3RTJU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"AAV4UHX4OZGAZPFUYDSKX55IWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560054},"content":"When study co-investigator Dr Ailish Malone was working as a physiotherapist in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/beaumont-hospital/\" target=\"_blank\">Beaumont Hospital</a>, Dublin, she saw how patients were able to access world-class neurosurgery and oncology services, “but there was a real gap in helping people to return to their lives”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GW6Y4IGRA5GJRMSKBFP7NTL3BU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270926},"content":"Brain tumours are a variable group of conditions, with a hundred different types, she says. Their effect is also linked to where they grow in the brain. More than 450 people in Ireland every year are diagnosed with a primary brain tumour, which may be malignant or benign. Many more patients develop secondary brain tumours from other cancers elsewhere in the body. Even a benign tumour can cause complications due to damage at the site of growth or the impact of surgery to remove it. “I would have worked with patients who had significant physical problems after brain tumours, like limb weakness, difficulties walking,” says Dr Malone. There can also be memory difficulties and personality changes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CHWHZOU5RFBULINPGBNVEGWSLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270928},"content":"“A common problem that affects practically everybody after brain tumour, regardless of whether they have a low-grade, low-invasive, or a high-grade tumour, is fatigue. They have fatigue that comes both from having a brain injury and cancer treatment, so it’s kind of like a double whammy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NRFCQDJA2ZBY7DLLBOA5Z2SLRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270929},"content":"Rehabilitation can mean different things to different people. “The <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/world-health-organisation/\" target=\"_blank\">World Health Organisation</a> defines it as a set of interventions designed to optimise functioning of people with health conditions in a regular environment – and that was the part that we really wanted to tackle with this study.” Brain-Restore, which is being funded by <a href=\"https://hrci.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Health Research Charities Ireland</a>, the <a href=\"https://www.hrb.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Health Research Board</a> and <a href=\"https://breakthroughcancerresearch.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Breakthrough Cancer</a>, is looking at how quality of life can be improved, whether the brain tumour patient’s life expectancy is long or shorter. However, as symptoms may fluctuate, it can be difficult, says Dr Malone, to plan the care people need.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WQXGSL542BBDFDEOFS3LWVZF5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270930},"content":"“The effects play out over quite a long period of time. It will be our challenge to make recommendations for practice that can account for that because sometimes when people finish their treatment, that can often be their last appointment, other than coming back with their scans.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4DGJYYCO4JEFTAXPOXME5MQWKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270931},"content":"“How do we support people with the interventions they need before they’ve been struggling for months, or before they’ve given up on things, or before their carers and family are completely overwhelmed?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KAH2N4OGFNDMVDIMUGXYBROYLM","additional_properties":{"_id":"LOSK52YEQJDI7OZP5GT6B2QP4Q"},"content":"Childhood cancer: ‘As soon as the ultrasound was turned on, they could see the tumour – it was large’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"DSUC3YTAEJFU3HSJJEGJP642KI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270932},"content":"Dr Malone is leading a strand of Brain-Restore that involves talking to patients and families about their needs and what they have found lacking in services. The study is still recruiting patients for this and are finding it hard to get those within their first year of diagnosis, probably because it is such a difficult time, she acknowledges.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GEDQQGMZFANFLPBCBBOAVN6F4","additional_properties":{"_id":"3GXA4H7G6FDWNHS56HSDBJLLTA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"4HULYSKLYVDQDLW6NOJOZ4WJ3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270933},"content":"The project’s charity partner, <a href=\"https://braintumourireland.com/\" target=\"_blank\">Brain Tumour Ireland</a>, is helping in this regard. Chief executive Fiona Keegan says it hears, through peer support groups for patients and for carers, of “massive gaps” in services, particularly at community level. There is intense focus on a patient having surgery and undergoing follow-up treatment but no “pathway” for what comes next. They are not told “you may expect this and this is who’s going to look after this. So often they will call us.” She will suggest patients attached to a large hospital such as Beaumont go back to the relevant clinical nurse specialists, or to ask their GP what is available.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7Z6FWWGGJEYDMCXC7Y4S45H6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270934},"content":"But that can be hit and miss, says Keegan, because it is a rare disease. “A GP would say to us ‘We might go through our whole career and never see somebody with brain tumour’. So it’s not on their radar what might be available for the brain tumour patient in the community.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KRQOYG34RCJ7CT4VC6ATRMM4I","additional_properties":{"_id":1729074298842},"content":"There can also be misunderstandings about the work of palliative care teams in the community and people get scared if that is suggested as an option. “The minute you say that, they think it’s all over.” Whereas “if you can get palliative care in earlier, they’re really good at symptom management and they’re also very good with just talking to the family around what they might expect as things progress”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"URUHGUBIUVFXDNUYF3PFJ43U7E","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270936},"content":"De Courcy experienced that sense of being adrift after her treatment ended. “Once I was through the chemotherapy and the radiotherapy, I didn’t know where to go when I was feeling rotten.” For her, “rotten” meant “having to lie down all the time; not able to think”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOENYT2DKZASXPZIM3PDWE2EGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270937},"content":"She struggled with periods of feeing “dispirited” and has availed of counselling offered by Arc cancer support services. She opted to spread out the eight sessions and still has one more to go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y7QBFVWHXNB6THBRWRYVYDHSUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270938},"content":"De Courcy, who is contributing to Brain-Restore, also points out that she was very fortunate to have her husband, Gabriel Cooney, driving her to all appointments and coming in and taking notes when much of it was a haze to her. How somebody in her position would manage without such constant personal support is another issue that needs to be looked at, she suggests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RGA7UDJ2QRGCRNPFH6ZMKNDRWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270939},"content":"For rehabilitation of people with brain tumours, Malone believes that sometimes it is a case of needing to “join the dots” of things that work for other conditions or in other places, or learning from pockets of good experience and trying to ensure such supports are available to all those who are struggling. There also needs to be a shift in thinking to wider recognition of a brain tumour as a brain injury that is amenable to, and needs, rehabilitation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPNXALBLBRB4TLGXG5PHKCRLZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270940},"content":"While surgery and follow-up treatment is carried out in two centres of excellence – Beaumont and Cork University Hospital – ultimately these patients go back into the community, where some health professionals have rarely if ever encountered somebody with a brain tumour and don’t feel competent to work with them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BAA23V6RARHQNDIZINYDVDL7JE","additional_properties":{"_id":"36ZEJD77RBDADFV2YQAITAVSBM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"IQRLDUHWNJHTFFAJHOSTTE5WR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270941},"content":"This could be addressed through education, says Malone. “It’s just arming them with the knowledge that they need to manage the person in front of them and not to fear the complexity.” The way they are already working with people after a stroke, or who are living with multiple sclerosis, will in many cases benefit people with brain tumours too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5VCG4MTWZEZNCXGGFPSWGCZTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270942},"content":"The Brain-Restore team is not waiting for the conclusion of their study at the end of 2025 to advocate change. There is a panel of healthcare professionals from a range of disciplines working with them to see how findings can be acted on as they emerge.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A2WNDYW3BBB3JNWZBNK7XNQSDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270943},"content":"“We know that the research life cycle can be really long,” says Malone. “The rule of thumb is it can be up to 17 years from knowledge generation to implementation. The people we work with don’t have 17 years; they need it right now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RCYWUMIME5C5NEZHDJ4QI7FLHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270944},"content":"For instance they have already identified communication problems between the specialised neuro-oncology services and community practitioners. “Even some of the forms that people use are not really capturing what you need to know about someone with a brain tumour.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X6SWBIFTANGJDL475QKHKXD6ME","additional_properties":{"_id":"MXAJKXZ6WVHOXPQXOR23IWVLCU"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"IQ3TFF2ZORH57CCWCCCTWIR5FI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270945},"content":"De Courcy considers herself as living with a brain tumour, since a part is still there. But returning for a scan every three months provides reassurance that it is not regrowing. However, she is realistic that it might and takes each days as it comes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O3P36N2MV5CQJDR45BVEA36UWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270946},"content":"“It’s not like I’m whooping up and down.” Still, she has been told she is in the 10 per cent of brain tumour patients who come through surgery without any lasting incapacities.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DZCKWF4QOZCZXPNYRU53IA676M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270947},"content":"Lack of confidence was a big thing as she tried to pick the reins of her life. She worried about being able to cope alone in different situations and could not face trying public transport for a long time. But throughout her recovery, four grandsons aged nine to three, who just found it quite funny she had lost her hair, were a positive distraction.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HLYQ4S2JL5HHBP37LV3BLHOSP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270948},"content":"Now she has occasional balance problems, although doing yoga has helped a lot. There is also brain fog sometimes when she cannot remember somebody’s a name, although she is not sure if the latter is just due to age.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VENMI5B45RBMTJKTZDXUAWALPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270949},"content":"“I still haven’t gone shopping, I find the whole thing of getting out, going into a shop, choosing something, that’s too overwhelming altogether. Crowds and social occasions, I avoid them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVARZAEEQBF5DBNC2NJZB53VFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270950},"content":"Yet she has found her return to the ranks of the 140-strong National Symphony Chorus comforting, with her singing voice and ability to read music unimpaired. As they perform Puccini’s Messa di Gloria in the National Concert Hall this Friday (October 25th), she says she will not be aware of the tinnitus that has developed since her brain surgery.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4I2PHOFNTFGRVPNVHIQFRKLUKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270951},"content":"It is at quiet times, such as the middle of the night, it “whistles and thumps away”. But “I did do a spin on it”, she adds: “it means I am alive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270952},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Sheila Wayman"}},"name":"Sheila Wayman"}]},"description":{"basic":"People with brain tumours get world-class medical treatment in Ireland – but after that there can be a big gap"},"display_date":"2024-10-22T04:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Living with a brain tumour: ‘I knew something was wrong because the radiographers would not look at me’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EG2NANCQEBGYXHRESC7AZIYTQY","auth":{"1":"cd81274736fc10495461bd253edd2de2ab5c42f34fb0941f9e64d4b6b70fadb7"},"focal_point":{"x":2837,"y":1665},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EG2NANCQEBGYXHRESC7AZIYTQY.JPG"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/22/living-with-a-brain-tumour-i-knew-something-was-wrong-because-the-radiographers-would-not-look-at-me/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"DJ7BODUTPVAFHD3IYRKQUQ7VVM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":565,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/4fb12a6e-7dea-4549-b9e5-7ee9aa52dd80/versions/1729009118/media/9959a61cc8a49c759b2900e59ca8165f_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/julie-ann-russell-its-not-easy-to-come-back-from-having-a-child-and-get-back-to-elite-athlete-fitness-and-stamina/","content_elements":[{"_id":"67KOZ7OB2RC4LJNLWU2QM4MUCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276106},"content":"Julie-Ann Russell didn’t give much consideration as to how parenthood would impact her sporting career until she was in her 20s. “I saw people leave sport and have children and that was their sport career done, which obviously is sad to see now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67KOZ7OB2RC4LJNLWU2QM4MUCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276106},"content":"She was about 13 years old when she first played for the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/republic-of-ireland-wnt/\" target=\"_blank\">Republic of Ireland</a>, but although she played football competitively (and other sports, she played <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/gaa/\" target=\"_blank\">GAA </a>and basketball until her late teens), from a young age, Julie always envisaged children in her future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7MMSB4IZNDVHJ2UDOSRWEW3LE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276108},"content":"“In football, there’s a lot of people in same-sex relationships, so often it was their partner [carrying the baby]. That was often talked about in teams. Other girls would say, ‘when I stop playing then I perhaps will carry’. So, it was discussed and it was going through my mind. I didn’t really think strongly, oh, I want to have a child and then come back. Or I want to end my career and have a child. I was just going with the flow, to be totally honest, [thinking] whatever happens, happens.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5THVUZSVFJCGDEKL5F445F7OBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458087},"content":"When Julie-Ann discovered that she was pregnant, however, she presumed it would spell the end of her international playing career. She continued football training until she was about five months pregnant. “I was doing a lot of running, passing and shooting.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MGST6ZDAO5D5ZMMJ4LY2I7RPOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458088},"content":"But she kept up exercising herself beyond that. “I was running on my own until about week 28 and then stopped because I had to go to the toilet every second. I actually did CrossFit the whole pregnancy. I went to a CrossFit session on her due date to try to get her out,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X6DDOQMDQBGEPHTKSGLUGXMHME","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276111},"content":"Julie-Ann played a few matches early in her pregnancy before deciding to stop. She decided to tell people she was pregnant from early on. “I didn’t want to lie to them and say I’m injured. And then, also, I think there’s such a big stigma around miscarriages, and if I did have a miscarriage with Rosie, I’d want people to know. I wouldn’t be hiding it. So, I didn’t really care if I told people pre the 12 weeks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FC7FDTTJERB2TIUXPB522BCT6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276112},"content":"Her team-mates were “absolutely delighted” when they found out. “I suppose with my age and I was married a year, it wasn’t a massive surprise and everyone was just so happy. There was no negativity at all.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HXGQ3YB42VEV3BEUXTV2BJKLYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458091},"content":"Julie-Ann is the only woman in the current Republic of Ireland squad to have given birth. “I am very proud. It’s not easy to come back from having a child and get back to elite athlete fitness and stamina. I’m just taking it in my stride, but when I stop and think about it, I’m like, ‘well done’,” she says laughing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LGNADUYORACDP5IXJXESBFFBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276114},"content":"Rosie, her daughter, was delivered by emergency Caesarean section. “It was an emergency, but it didn’t feel like an emergency. If I was to go again, I’d be opting for a C-section.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H45IPMEHJZAYPHNPM24NCMPSFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458093},"content":"She not only found the birth to be a good experience, but the recovery afterwards to be “totally fine”, though she appreciates that’s not everyone’s experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMYUHATS5JC6HKFGEX2HEB5SSE","additional_properties":{"_id":"LTWHXHPREJAORANLQ5WBNEHROU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"T43SRESBSJDUNBQZRJKQS3E4YU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276115},"content":"Julie-Ann, who plays for <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/galway-united\" target=\"_blank\">Galway United</a>, took six weeks off completely afterwards. “Week seven and eight, I started running a little bit and then gradually went back to soccer. Again, was just doing passing and non-contact. I didn’t do any contact until week 12. If my scar felt sore, I would pull out, and just listen to my body. I also made sure I went to a pelvic floor physiotherapist after six or seven weeks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4D7UWFS2SBGGNLPZ46FHLFMQBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276116},"content":"She was still breastfeeding when she returned to playing, which itself involved a whole lot of logistical considerations. “You’d have to really time everything. I was lucky, at the time, that training was so close to my house. I would feed her beforehand and go training.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3B4CVW527BEBTLZCE74RER7KZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276117},"content":"But when it came to playing matches, things were a little more complicated. “One of the things I had to request from the manager was not going on the team bus to the game, because I was breastfeeding and I couldn’t be away from Rosie for the amount of hours, because you’re leaving hours before the game when it’s an away match. So just thinking about all the logistics and again having someone to mind her. My husband came to the game and drove us down.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2NEFEUJVIJGV3ACSU4DLUJEC4E","additional_properties":{"_id":"YWYTXINYWFAO5DSYNOLU52MYCA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"YXJGRNXAZ5DIDKR6LDLKWRWZVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458097},"content":"“I had to make sure I fed her before the game so I wasn’t totally full and then she was there for afterwards. And if she wasn’t asleep, I always had a pump with me as well. It was a real juggling act and something that you had to think about all the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BKGAXKKQGZE5THXLKD5WYDVKDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276118},"content":"It was during Rosie’s first birthday party that Julie-Ann received an email to tell her she was on the provisional squad. “And, then about a week later, the manager rang to check if I was still interested in playing,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNFOB4CZPRHKBHVUDBY73HHT3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276119},"content":"Life in the Ireland camp works very well. “I didn’t even expect Rosie to be coming into the camp,” she says, pointing out that this is probably because the situation hadn’t arisen before, though she had seen through social media, mothers in other countries such as Australia and the US bring their children into their respective camps. “I was thinking it’ll be cool, but I was just delighted to be called in. I wasn’t going to rock the boat.","type":"text"},{"_id":"33QYLZ2TNVD2TJJHEMCBXHCVQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276120},"content":"“When I spoke to the manager I asked, ‘Can Rosie visit when I’m in there ... what is the policy?’ And she was saying, ‘Rosie’s coming,’ They just wanted to make sure that I was at my best from a mental and physical perspective, and they understood that I had never been away from Rosie, because I was on maternity leave. They were incredible. They want to create a policy for the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/football-association-of-ireland\" target=\"_blank\">FAI</a> and for me to help them with it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"572R5N4PGJB3VHAQRGFJ5VS66M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276121},"content":"Rosie was “included in absolutely everything” at camp, Julie-Ann says, “just not the training or team meetings”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GTUEPZKUUFFQBL56BXKZXOEX34","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458102},"content":"“She came to all the meal times. She was allowed into the players’ lounge and everywhere. Everyone loved having her. She brought a really good energy. My husband came as well. He was my support person.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"47LIFVTQYZDGHCSDYUJTRWFADA","additional_properties":{"_id":"M35XAB26ARG5PEZRGLD23AXBNA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"ELQ2A3RFGRF2HKSEVLFKUAGVXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276122},"content":"Along with playing for Galway United and representing Ireland on the football pitch, Julie-Ann works as a sales manager in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/microsoft\" target=\"_blank\">Microsoft</a> for the UK market. Even with all of this success, Julie-Ann says she can’t escape the dreaded parental guilt. “I always heard about mum guilt being a thing and I can truly say it’s real and that I experience it as well. The fact that I’m back to work now and Rosie is at a childminder, I don’t see her for the day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GVQ7FDAKPRDA7ETTKV6GI7VRQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458104},"content":"“And then in the evenings I try to pick her up at about a quarter to five and then I’ve to be at training for 6pm. And so see her for only an hour and 15 minutes and it breaks my heart leaving her. She goes to bed at 7pm, so it’s only another hour, but in her little life that’s so much.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6Y6ESXCOGVEYFKDDTQAOLY7VYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276124},"content":"“I totally have guilt when I’ve to go for training in the evenings, and even at the weekends when I’ve games. When they’re away, I’m gone for the day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CB6YC5PCMBBXPKC4TM2TJOP37M","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458106},"content":"But she says she gets huge comfort when Rosie can go to her matches. “It just makes it extra special.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MU2FBO25NVHRVAKECW5XQK4JNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276125},"content":"Julie-Ann is thoroughly enjoying motherhood, so far. But she knows if she was to have another child at this stage of her life (Julie-Ann is now 33), it could well mean the end of her sporting career in its current form. “Even just my age, trying to get pregnant again, it becomes more difficult as you get older, so I am thinking about when is the best time to try,” she admits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55LG3FLUONCRLNXVOUBAHUT5YI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458108},"content":"“It’s way more front and centre in my mind than ever before. And I suppose if I was to have another child, the chances of getting back to an Ireland elite status, wouldn’t be high.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQUMDP2DCZBO7NN4LEUE4FECKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276127},"content":"It’s a difficult one she explains, because she knows she would like “Rosie to have a brother or sister. It’s a big decision.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IHPBRXXN7NAN7ESOAJGVSGYWO4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QA4AZQJMENELPPAW7PEH4A644E"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"TRHR2HQQMFHQ5CSRIODTZW7LZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458110},"content":"Julie-Ann says having Rosie come to see her play for Ireland is a highlight she’ll never forget. As she looks towards upcoming away games which, she says, “I hope I’ll get picked for”, she’s considering the logistics about how it might work. Julie-Ann is in the Irish squad for the Euro Qualifying double-header against Georgia, with the first game in Tbilisi this Friday.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPAP5JIKOZHCFC44BQUFKH6KAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503156341},"content":"And she dares to dream about how it all might work too if Ireland qualify for Euro 2025 and Julie-Ann was part of the squad. “I’d have to bring her,” she says. “Not a hope” she’d leave her behind.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RVMIR2MFQ5G4PIIJNR3SEMEREQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276129},"content":"But she doesn’t really care if Rosie follows in her football boots. “I feel when kids are pressured into something, they don’t like it and they resent you for it. I’ll just give her the opportunity to do as much as she wants – all sports and all activities be it music or dancing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AP7NRZJM5NBFBKILP356TVQSOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729237722615},"content":"Parenting in My Shoes","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZETUKHYQ4BHO7AEGBWGC4U62HQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"ZBDSSN27JRGE5ODSHUAAMQV5XU","additional_properties":{"_id":"OKOT5EKOD5A7BD73NS4ASORQ6U"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-85398","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting in My Shoes: Working and training, the Republic of Ireland and Galway United player suffers from the dreaded parental guilt"},"display_date":"2024-10-21T13:45:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I went to a CrossFit session on her due date’: Julie-Ann Russell on pregnancy as an elite athlete","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"TIM4QU7ATJEAZDHFTMLVCREEWQ","auth":{"1":"73b76152f4943cc44f21d7993d38b82edf4e75af0cc65c8acd8bfae4d4d727cd"},"focal_point":{"x":1296,"y":317},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/TIM4QU7ATJEAZDHFTMLVCREEWQ.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Sport"},{"name":"Soccer"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/julie-ann-russell-its-not-easy-to-come-back-from-having-a-child-and-get-back-to-elite-athlete-fitness-and-stamina/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"T2WJGFWZF5FKLDBM3HDM7QOOJM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":345,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/456486fd-8eff-468d-ab69-bb8ce1791fb4/versions/1728916189/media/efd36f9d16ad7d7e48da2db3df83b08e_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/our-16-year-old-daughter-has-stopped-going-to-school-regularly-should-we-take-her-phone-away/","content_elements":[{"_id":"F2C6VYVRNBA5BF7WDKL3F7BJIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059296},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"E3OPCZORVRHD3CFBT5BG2T7LAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059301},"content":"<b>Our 16-year-old daughter has stopped going to school regularly. She says it’s because she can’t get up in the morning and doesn’t care about going to school. She says it is because of her </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/2022/10/27/are-children-more-anxious-now-than-in-the-past/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>anxiety</b></a><b> and </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>mental health</b></a><b> issues.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"T6GAVTSPPFH37EZUWD44WQXFXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037765},"content":"<b>We took her to see our GP and also a private counsellor. We also talked to her school about it. They all say that the reason she can’t go to school is because of her lifestyle. She is always on her mobile phone and not getting enough sleep. Our daughter disagrees that the phone is the issue and we can’t get her to stop using it in the evening time. (We think the mobile phone is a part of the issue, but also that she has some mental health issues too).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"QHOYJGVHMREGBDNU3S3IU7SFXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037766},"content":"<b>She’s sometimes a bit moody, but acts fine apart from not going to school. She has friends and goes out socially and shopping, so she is well able to do things that she likes doing.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XETLM5NSOZHMBLWO5GHLTWOIQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037767},"content":"<b>Our question is – should we forcefully take the mobile from her? We think that if we do, she might get aggressive and make the situation worse. Or should we leave the situation as it is, but try to encourage her to go to school in a gentle manner? She’s harmed herself before and what we want to avoid it happening again.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z4KWLPC53ZDGRHQFZXTYQGJ44M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037768},"content":"<b>We, of course, want her to go to school, but, at the end of the day, we don’t want to make the situation worse.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"TPA33JRKDBEINOIIZNZV7HKGVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037769},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"S5TUOW3FJNHB7IWUC4H3D2OVTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059302},"content":"When teenagers find it hard to go to school, parents are usually put under great pressure to be “strict” or to “take control” and even to force the issue with their child.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K62PLQF2XZHRRL7AUSH7TMZFGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037771},"content":"However, forceful interventions are very problematic and, as you rightly judge, can easily make things worse for you and your child. If you forcefully remove the phone without first getting your daughter’s consent, you could invoke fightback, aggression and even self-harm (given she has a history of this).","type":"text"},{"_id":"MH26QIG2EFA5PDHKSG5KTBK5UU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729073610797},"content":"Even if your daughter appears to comply with your “force”, you disempower her from solving her own problems and making her own decisions. Also, your actions could damage your relationship with her and she might no longer see you as a support and may be less likely to trust you in the future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6Y4SD45XFBD7DUH56CTC6L2GM","additional_properties":{"_id":"55TAL2OQF5ELPFBTFSEEQQAZPM"},"content":"‘We felt like failures. It broke us’: When your child stops attending school out of fear","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"4TJ3XDF3AJFV3FCCKKWBVX3A5A","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037772},"content":"Finally, simply removing the mobile phone in the evening may not solve the problem of her not going to school, when there are likely to be many other issues at play such as her anxiety and mental health challenges, as well as her being demotivated by the school curricula.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2AAVR5W6GNEPZAOX5XJD3G5XRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059303},"content":"Take time to listen and understand","type":"header"},{"_id":"DOJ66DAFRFF3JA2BPL7CBDZ44Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059304},"content":"Try to understand what your daughter is going through. When she says she is anxious about going to school, take this seriously and, gently, inquire about what she is anxious about. Simply acknowledging or repeating what she said can be enough to encourage her to say more.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AZWRWWS4MRBADCPNMZIUI6TTXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037775},"content":"You are trying to get a sense of which parts of school are difficult so you can think with her about what might help. For some children, it might be the academic work, for others it might be the social aspects. For some, the challenge could be during class time and for others it could be during the break or informal times.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XR5ELNCR6FCTVOKKDWWZX6XFBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037776},"content":"Explore with her about whether she is getting a good night’s sleep and what the factors are in preventing her from doing so. Ask her about her mobile phone and role it has in her life so you can understand why she finds it hard to give it up at night. For many teens (and adults), the mobile phone is their main source of social connection and entertainment. The prospect of losing it is like being asked to sever a limb. While it can have downsides, the phone can also provide benefits. For example, while it can keep many teens up at night, others might use it to help them sleep by listening to music or a podcast. Take time to understand how your daughter uses the phone and what it means in her life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S3Q2HDPUBZEWBDJPCUE67IICSU","additional_properties":{"_id":"N6PQMFOLKVHXPIDQGQFPDBIDAM"},"content":"Teenagers and smartphones: ‘Like animals in a zoo, they are missing out on life’s rich experiences’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"BLYXDSJWMNH75EROWCZG2MSSCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059305},"content":"Explore win-win solutions","type":"header"},{"_id":"WX3ULDFZJREQHKOXHBLAVYEUIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059306},"content":"Encourage your daughter to think up solutions that will work for her and also for you as her parents (who are concerned for her welfare). Explore with her, how you can address the sources of anxiety at school, how you can make things easier for her when she goes, and what supports might help her. Encourage her to reflect about what will help her get a better night’s sleep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMXBFSKHPBAODC6EUT3XWBAXOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037779},"content":"You might discuss the pros and cons of having the phone late at night and identify new routines to make it work better. For example, you might agree to switch off wifi at a certain time so she is not distracted on social media, but agree that she can listen to downloaded music and selected podcasts that help her relax.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DDXLNUKI7ZB7TLYDNC3PHFYRRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059307},"content":"Explore supports that might help","type":"header"},{"_id":"FZJIGYS6QBAABPVM55ZTSGWDCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059308},"content":"In supporting your daughter’s attendance at school it is important to collaborate with the teachers to create a positive plan that your daughter is on board with. This might mean meeting the year head to share the sources of your daughter’s anxiety and asking for their support in addressing some of these. It also might help for your daughter to attend counselling or to return to the private counsellor if she felt understood and affirmed there. Alternatively, you might attend family counselling which might give you space to listen to one another and to make agreements together.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4HXRVXM7ZH4PKG5VHQ7TQVYPA","additional_properties":{"_id":"JBWPE6U2L5G33KS7JE2RZHONQI"},"content":"Smartphones and social media are destroying children’s mental health","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"W6OGG5666RAVZFXERZ62QAI3ZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729073610811},"content":"Be patient as you problem solve","type":"header"},{"_id":"2PCKQGA7Q5FOHAYROHQQNRI4XI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059310},"content":"It can take a lot of time and patience to sort out challenging issues such as school anxiety and poor sleep. This might involve lots of talking and problem solving as well as trying out plans and revising them to try something else if they don’t work. The important thing is to give your daughter a sense that you are on her side and that you are working together to sort things out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLPVC5UCGJDTHBC7REHL3BVXRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037784},"content":"Also, be careful about over-focusing on problems, and continue to support what is going well in your daughter’s life such as her socialising. Keep a focus also on maintaining a warm supportive relationship with her as this is what will help most in the long term.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G3X6Y33NLVD6DHASPKMN7YRUYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059311},"type":"list"},{"_id":"PHO672VEMNESJONBKLHAH3PVMI","additional_properties":{"_id":"BOBX365DIFGLFHPHUDOFCLJU4I"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: Her school says she is always on her phone and not getting enough sleep, but she disagrees"},"display_date":"2024-10-21T04:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Our 16-year-old daughter has stopped going to school regularly – should we take her phone away?’ ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EVGXMVLR4ZE4ZLQVRG2ITKYM2U","auth":{"1":"de30efbc53b476b3cfbc5ae0922f5b750b62ba537fe0a12336c8fed43bd53b56"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EVGXMVLR4ZE4ZLQVRG2ITKYM2U.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/our-16-year-old-daughter-has-stopped-going-to-school-regularly-should-we-take-her-phone-away/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"7FQUOOCMCZHOLOGDUNRLQYN5LE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":468,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/9ebbaafc-8c62-416f-8513-8c17cfbfd8f9/versions/1728401504/media/47a613a50c10fbc4ee374077e63622ab_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/16/having-a-favourite-child-he-is-cute-and-funny-but-with-his-brother-its-all-stop-that-now/","content_elements":[{"_id":"MCYHAERBU5HJTHB5SLW4NJ3LQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311711},"content":"“I tell them I hate them all equally,” one <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parent </a>joked when asked about having a favourite child. Possibly because joking seems the only acceptable way to answer such a question.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"E5QXDFRS35F7JKMRIAP2PL6QJE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"2Y77PPTKGVH4DJH7BQ2DI3VBLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311712},"content":"The concept of having a favourite child may not be a new one – just ask the brother of the prodigal son his thoughts on the whole fatted calf situation. But it’s still no easier to admit to, and so remains one of parenthood’s great taboos.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YIP3TX2LABBJ5LBZPMARS77ZSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311713},"content":"Anna has four children. She is very aware of the favouritism she shows one of her children. “It’s definitely the one, who if they ask nicely for money, they’ll get it – they won’t have to do anything. Or if somebody invites them [somewhere] we’ll definitely do our best to get them there,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCQVTSABRVHFDBUM6B2JZHSXX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311714},"content":"And there’s a reason for this, Anna explains. “That’s because that child is particularly good and nice and helpful,” she says “including around the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2PF7JFMATVCW7KNCJJOFMMFKUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311715},"content":"“And then you also have the one child who gets nothing because they’re so ungrateful,” she continues. “Unfortunately, it impacts on them, but they do it all to themselves. And you try your best, and you do it. And I think that’s just human nature.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L77EBO7KNFCOVBDRIJA6BWQCHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311716},"content":"Anna thinks her other children appreciate why one particular child is the favourite. “I think everybody in the house can see that he’s kind and nice to everybody. He’s even nice to those absolute pain in the arses, who aren’t nice to anyone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GXFU5SRDR5DXZFSGOBNTKUK45Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"WYA4ZR4P2FGOXCSRFCNI4TKLT4"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-52740","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"UQZRTFKSXNAF3PXRRB56TIMFXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257738},"content":"As a result, he “doesn’t get called out” for the favouritism shown to him, she says. “He’s just so good and subtle and grateful. He’s a joy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"426EQPSYWJEWVEN74DMU55EOGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257739},"content":"Anna believes her husband is aware of the favourite status of one of her children, but says he has his own favourite and it all remains “unspoken”. She doesn’t think her favourite child is aware of his status.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDNFMVIY6RA6HMWIUS2BDCB3XM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311718},"content":"All the same, Anna is conscious of trying to change things. “I try my best. I definitely get up every morning and say I am going to be a parent to number whatever child. And I start every day, but sure you’re worn down by breakfast time,” because of their behaviour, she explains. “There’s definitely that ongoing dialogue on a daily basis.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QRJ5UYRGNNGHVEFWEOWHOHOUAA","additional_properties":{"_id":"YG3JAQ6WSVAY5A3HBHDZSHAYCE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"OP64H56P3VEWFAI74GZF5YFGWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311719},"content":"Ciara has three children. Her middle child is her favourite. “He’s absolutely hilarious and he’s super cute,” she explains. She thinks his age is probably a factor here. “I’m pretty sure I felt the same about my first child when he was this age.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BKYSYPD2OBEPHBNRRD6W4GYPE4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257742},"content":"Her children are all at very different stages now, and her eldest child is dealing “a lot with frustration at his younger brother”, as well as adjusting to another new sibling, Ciara explains. “There’s a lot more challenging times with him, than there are enjoyable times with him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTXEROQJL5AKTJCFATHBSSV4NA","additional_properties":{"_id":"FZ4ZR34WDJGOTC27WOSKAQUVRI"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"ZJZIEK5QRVDHLLTZX7NXYGM4BQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257743},"content":"“It’s one drama after the other. But then I am afraid, what if this is going to shape his personality to some degree. With the second boy it’s all, ‘he’s cute and funny and he has us laughing’ and with the older boy it’s all, ‘stop, no, stop that now – be kind to your brother’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HMQGUHMCZ5EUDGX2Z2VGDV2654","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311722},"content":"Ciara feels guilty for enjoying her younger son more, she admits. “I end up overcompensating. To the older boy, I’m [saying] ‘come on over here and give me a big cuddle and we’ll have a nice bit of quality time together’. Only for a half an hour later, I’m going, ‘Jesus. What are you doing’?” she says. “I feel like for him it must be a bit of an emotional roller coaster.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LMYRVYVWFG43POIUPZ7B6G24Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311723},"content":"Guilt means that Ciara sometimes feels she can’t give her “favourite child” the amount of attention he deserves. “I’m holding back a little bit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CM3A5HR77ND77IQD5U2WNOAKKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311724},"content":"She also believes her older child suspects a parental preference for his younger sibling, and voiced his suspicions recently. “It absolutely broke my heart,” Ciara says. The favoured child remains oblivious to his position, she adds.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2BQ7UCVIDFFDVKX2Q3ZZFK5PUY","additional_properties":{"_id":"FF6JWXYKSVDXNMJMZKAYCGRR2M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"7TAJ25KJPZHE5CP5VCZMFY7E5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311725},"content":"Patricia has four children. Her youngest child is her favourite, she explains. “Because he can’t answer me back,” she says, laughing about her baby son.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6IQUY5E2ORDS3KNAG24YR7ITXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311726},"content":"Patricia’s children have very different personalities, she explains. And she admits to finding aspects of those personalities difficult to manage. “Sometimes things that I notice about myself, that I find hardest to deal with in the kids,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CRZ7JZVKXBGITEI66U7N7MME5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257749},"content":"Patricia suspects one particular child, where she can see those similarities most clearly, may be becoming aware of this. “She has said things lately,” says Patricia. Things like, “you don’t like me”. These are things that her daughter wouldn’t have said before, but Patricia is also conscious that she’s having a tough time at school and feels there’s a spillover. “She probably would have been the one I would have connected with most until having the baby. I’m wondering, ‘gosh, have I been treating her differently?’ I’ve been trying the whole positive parenting and positive reinforcement and my God that’s hard to do all the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ZYIBGA5UZCMHNTDOMXLZXETFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311729},"content":"Patricia struggles with feeling as she does. “The guilt is huge,” she admits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3Z6UGUNF4VHY7N32IGKW7FXZVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311730},"content":"Aisling O’Connor, parenting and child psychologist, says having a favourite child is a lot more common than people realise, and says she deals with it a lot in her clinic. “One of the questions that I always ask parents is, ‘do you feel disconnected from your child. And when the answer is yes, which is very often, that is what we are talking about when we talk about favourite child. We’re talking about a disconnect, I think with one [or more] of the children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ALQBIUWIBDXLKHMWBEVAZZUDI","additional_properties":{"_id":"PVMGOGB7MFBQHOZNJZRL67FWEM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"BNPLMYOGK5CIDLWSH6KYUGQZOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311731},"content":"Parents shouldn’t feel guilty about this, continues O’Connor. “Guilt isn’t going to help in any way. I think they need to have a lot of self-compassion because there are always reasons why. And very often, in my opinion, from what I’m seeing, it’s to do with intergenerational patterns.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UZXVDWDM6RAWDIQM74CIQJ2LBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257754},"content":"“So if there’s a disconnect in attachment in that relationship, if there’s been birth trauma, if mum has had postnatal depression or anxiety, and has had a rocky start, there isn’t potentially that time to form that bond that happens at the very beginning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4KIQCDBX5JELLC5YDO6DBA7N3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311732},"content":"O’Connor says if parents are aware that they have a favourite child, there are things they can do to address the situation. “It’s often to do with that disconnect. There’s been some kind of interruption to the attachment. Or potentially one child is a little bit more difficult than another child. Different temperament.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPN735QORFDV3F7RH4A3VXW6EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257756},"content":"“Different start in life which meant their brain wired differently and they might have more needs. They might be more vocal. They might have different sensory needs.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5U3W3YPY2RB2XJXVPPL5M2D7AE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257757},"content":"She suggests parents consider seeking “some professional advice on it. There are many people out there that can help reconnect you and the child. And lots and lots of self-compassion and knowing that it’s not their fault, there’ll be reason why it’s happened and that there are ways to change it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FCCSUG4B5FHCPDRL5PGCTW77SE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728898232834},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"5JNGWABX3JCV3NH22EOOB5QMSQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"USKRYCF5NRCVJIFLAV4B7GO6EM","additional_properties":{"_id":"7DNP7LDZ4RFVBAZO3B73KH5FDU"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-5460","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting taboos: If parents are aware they have a favourite child, there are things they can do to address the situation"},"display_date":"2024-10-16T05:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Having a favourite child: ‘Unfortunately, it impacts on them, but they do it all to themselves’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"F6RGDVCD25GHHOD4TFX4TGESCY","auth":{"1":"908746b08aaeb305a23026f6754e4962b9266ecf1ca7a5513fb6999c72561304"},"focal_point":{"x":2643,"y":1283},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/F6RGDVCD25GHHOD4TFX4TGESCY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/16/having-a-favourite-child-he-is-cute-and-funny-but-with-his-brother-its-all-stop-that-now/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"SBPPNAVORRBYVI4P2NDWZLCADI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/tony-cantwell-on-adhd-i-just-thought-is-this-what-parenting-is-a-big-fog/","content_elements":[{"_id":"6UQEHGJSOBFZTO2RVXK2LQF32Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728910843261},"content":"Having a son and a daughter has given comedian, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tomy-cantwell\" target=\"_blank\">Tony Cantwell</a>, the opportunity to explore some of life’s big questions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z2E7LTNUB5ECFBSOKWUVQXVISQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553932},"content":"Things like, is gender just a social construct? What’s it like raising children when you’re neurodivergent? How do you gentle parent if a child has decided not to cooperate, today?","type":"text"},{"_id":"NJRJ76AP6JB7DK2CBAI5DWKOLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553933},"content":"And how much time spent pooing is deemed acceptable in the quest for me-time?","type":"text"},{"_id":"K72R6ONNS5ETBAFKHNKMAYK2OA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553935},"content":"The comedian, who created and stars in the new <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/rte\" target=\"_blank\">RTE</a> player comedy series, Good Boy, has a 4 and a quarter year old son, and a daughter who is nearly two.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LWBPJWNN3FGYNJMHIHQ6PBMUVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728910843262},"content":"In this episode of Conversations with Parents, host Jen Hogan sits down with father of two, to hear his thoughts on these issues.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ZJUEGZJ5VDKXCTRQATBOQ4ALQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553936},"content":"On the podcast, he discusses the reality of managing the challenges that go hand in hand with having ADHD, while trying to be a present parent to his young children and all that that entails.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PBNPBFAWJVA5HITAPPK5UHYJOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553937},"content":"He talks about the impact that being a child of divorced parents, and his own upbringing, has had on him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3HZCCJAQEFEEZDYOEHPYU4DKMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553938},"content":"And he explains why he and his wife, Terri, have chosen to gentle parent their children, and what gentle parenting actually looks like in practice.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5GQXWPQOOVHE5NOBGHN75XSFVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728910843263},"content":"Cantwell also discusses the extreme lengths he’ll go to, to avoid needing to change vomit-soaked bedsheets, co sleeping, and how scheduling “the ride” becomes a necessary evil when you’re parenting young children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SOJUIXMAPJF55B2E73AHE3SDGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728910843264},"content":"“We’re looking to spoon again, me and my wife”, he explains. Adding that at least when it comes to co-sleeping, he’ll be able to say “I never let you cry. I was literally there for every moment that you needed me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CTZ5C4VJLZC2HP4FWF4NY4NBFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728910843265},"content":"Cantwell also shares his experience of becoming a father in Covid restrictions times; explains why he was concerned that he was experiencing male post-partum depression; and offers his thoughts on other modern parenting phenomena.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6RT5PBWLKBBYTILX4KX6EJ6OHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553942},"content":"You can listen to this episode in the player above or search Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-10-15T06:03:33.535Z","headlines":{"basic":"Tony Cantwell on ADHD: ‘I just thought is this what parenting is, a big fog?’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"LT52SAUONXTQ2UVGKAQYHDBUI4","auth":{"1":"8d88c3b74076b05785f87e7a3392f13809983cda5049da97470e91e89aa9e437"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/LT52SAUONXTQ2UVGKAQYHDBUI4.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2009.405333,"episodeTitle":"Gentle parenting, neurodivergence and scheduling 'the ride'","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/670cfe34f100437f3b9e3007.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/tony-cantwell-on-adhd-i-just-thought-is-this-what-parenting-is-a-big-fog/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}}],"count":2119,"_id":"e05401d17a01305e2303717519a8423b7160d594947c53256d4f1ca93d40450b"},"expires":1739856590843,"lastModified":1739856290233},"{\"feedOffset\":0,\"feedSize\":50,\"includeSections\":\"/health/your-family\"}":{"data":{"content_elements":[{"_id":"EMIA3LY6U5DS7HK2BU7KXBQBI4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":304,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d18db5c2-302e-45c6-b396-020b86307ba4/versions/1739206889/media/244373c2a1d0cbb94d3f10844396bcbb_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/17/jen-hogan-if-youve-never-been-to-this-magical-childrens-music-event-theres-still-time/","content_elements":[{"_id":"A2KFQJFKCNESRIQ2F6OJZDMAJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890576},"content":"The <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/2023/03/01/peace-proms-return-with-strong-message-on-harmony-and-inclusivity/\" target=\"_self\">Peace Proms is, hands down, the most magnificent of children’s events</a>. If you’ve ever had a child take part, then I don’t need to convince you of this.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BC5PXXSKMJH4TO4VDBNNLPZOVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890577},"content":"But if you haven’t, allow me to explain. In my case it involved my son and classmates singing along with two and half thousand other children, accompanied by a live orchestra (the amazing Cross Border Orchestra of Ireland), with dancers, soloists, and a conductor with the ability to exercise incredible child crowd control with just a move of his little finger – rendering many parents in the sell-out crowd at the RDS utterly speechless. They were wondering if this might have been a better approach to getting their children to do what they wanted, rather than roaring like a fishwife over the years. “What sorcery is this?” their stunned expressions read.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7FMNK7ZFBDGHOLLLLTOX46MNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890578},"content":"I am a veteran Peace Proms attender, on account of having a socially unacceptable number of children. I used to wonder whether I was slightly addicted to pregnancy and having babies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"34726KFSQRGA3LGFBFS5RT5UDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890579},"content":"Apparently, that’s a real thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MWACGNEQ2BFS7HGOUEONAPWTL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890580},"content":"But I had to stop on account of not having a public service vehicle licence and every seat in the Transit being filled. Which meant that the inevitable would one day happen - my final Peace Proms would come around.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RWZ7QPXX3VBJPBOAEZDEFSDAVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890581},"content":"And so it came to pass. Every child at my children’s school gets one chance to be in the Peace Proms. And when you’re a veteran, you know exactly how much you have to look forward to, so the excitement starts early. “It’s so special,” I told my little boy. “A really big deal. You’re going to love it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7KZAZ77XNZF2NHF463OGH2F65Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890582},"content":"In fact, I blew the event up to such epic proportions that he even wondered whether his participating in the show might be up there with his Communion and merit the booking of a bouncy castle. Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news, or in any way take the sheen off the occasion, I responded in the only responsible and appropriate way possible. “Ask your father,” I said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4GSECZBSQ5G7PHQKMOKCWXYBOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890583},"content":"As the big day drew closer, I had a fair idea of some of the songs in store. Not only could a little voice be heard singing to himself in the lead up, but every time I played my Spotify list in the car, he’d excitedly announce, “Oh, we’re singing that too”. Naturally, I quietly and humbly congratulated myself on being an excellent mother, introducing her children to the sort of musical repertoire that an excellent mother might do. Once I’d fast forwarded past a particularly angry sounding Eminem, that is.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MZBZRHTZCFDODI3PXQ2PWOA2KE","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"XGGEOKM6WBHFTHGPGOZBFNHAL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890585},"content":"No matter how many times you have been to the Peace Proms, it never fails to take your breath away. The children, along with teachers, SNAs and helpers, had already spent several hours in the venue before the show began. But still their excitement was palpable as the adults arrived. Trying to pick out your child, when he’s sitting among two and a half thousand others, is no mean feat. But it turns out that having a fabulous mop of curls not only makes you easier to spot for your own parents, it also means you can be used as a child-type landmark for the parents of other children in your class. “Found him” laughed the WhatsApp messages, as other parents seated around the venue placed their sons by proximity to mine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CL2AV72VZZHFPEAZXC3MPJJTQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890586},"content":"The great thing about the Peace Proms is that it caters for everyone, including us parents who are used to spending Saturday nights in front of the telly, debating whether wrestling the cork out of the wine counts as cardio, and lamenting a misspent youth. So, when the orchestra started belting out classics such as No Limits, Children, Maniac 2000 and Rhythm is a Dancer, we lost the run of ourselves, and the dodgy dance moves that followed subtly separated the Millennials from the Gen Xers and even the Boomers in the audience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OYCZ63DX2VCOPNIRIW3COLINTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890587},"content":"And that definitely counted as cardio.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ANW74APPFNG7POH3HT5JBUTXVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890588},"content":"There’s something hugely emotional about listening to the innocent sound of children’s voices singing in unison, and watching them dance excitedly in their rows. Even more so when you know it’s your last time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"33UWTT3LSJAA7CTN3XGPSSWZY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890589},"content":"The show closed to their anthem of John Farnham’s The Voice. “We’re all someone’s daughter. We’re all someone’s son,” the song goes. “We’re not going to sit in silence. We’re not going to live with fear,” the children chorus. And you hope that if they take nothing else from the show, they remember this.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QWIZ5XNJD5EVPHD42Z3NZZT43Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890590},"content":"Thanks for the magical memories, Peace Proms.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WUFTW2NY25DG5H2MMALMTY4BUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890591},"content":"I’m not crying. You are.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S5YJFBIUJZFD7OHQ32JGCNEBKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739550890592},"content":"Oh no, it turns out, we all are.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CEZ5LMRR7JCCFBFJR6P5IV3NYU","additional_properties":{},"content":"Remaining 2025 Peace Proms Dates:","type":"header"},{"_id":"EYKIVYKDHZBQJH2YJMAHTZLJLM","type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"No matter how many times you go to the Peace Proms, it never fails to take your breath away. Rhythm is a Dancer indeed"},"display_date":"2025-02-17T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"If you’ve never been to this magical children’s music event, there’s still time","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"LBQT6TC3NFGS5BMOS64AHBNDYY","auth":{"1":"c96b838550f39338122dec01405fa79305ada0e4f2f51be1690fe1f9de0c42c2"},"focal_point":{"x":4259,"y":3326},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/LBQT6TC3NFGS5BMOS64AHBNDYY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Culture"},{"name":"Music"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/17/jen-hogan-if-youve-never-been-to-this-magical-childrens-music-event-theres-still-time/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"G5SF55WZ5BCXBPVURG4R2JRA4I","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":479,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d18e3a79-92f6-4c12-a209-a128c5ef5cbe/versions/1739524919/media/3526b98ce9917c5bc4976fea65b77382_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/ireland/education/2025/02/14/the-tide-is-turning-why-more-parents-are-delaying-access-to-smartphones-for-children-starting-secondary-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"BLKMPO6QDRHUXACRINQEWU5ADY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503805},"content":"A few months ago Mary Lovegrove was at the gates of her son’s primary school talking to other <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> about how they felt forced into giving their children smartphones once they moved on to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/second-level\" target=\"_blank\">second level</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFQ4KUDHXRHYFNXBQXLZA35ONE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503806},"content":"“Everyone was just resigned to it,” says Lovegrove, whose son (12) starts first year in September. “We were really dreading it, but felt we’d little choice because all their classmates would have one.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SNC7L3O5ARADZEEKRB2BEVIL6A","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503807},"content":"From Glasthule in Dublin, she decided to set up a WhatsApp group last November for <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> of other children due to start at her son’s secondary school in the hope a handful of other like-minded parents might join.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HOJFSH2ZVBBQRASQPJ4IM35M4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503808},"content":"Within days 100 parents had signed up. As of this week, a total of 124 parents – about 75 per cent of the class’s parents – have joined the “delay smartphones and/or social media” group.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQXWZ263SNAP7DE4UKORP4N6PU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503809},"content":"The second-level school her son is due to attend is one of about a dozen, mostly in the South Dublin area, where similar parent-led WhatsApp groups have emerged in recent weeks. They include St Andrew’s College and Coláiste Íosagáin in Booterstown, Newpark Comprehensive School and Sion Hill College in Blackrock, Loreto Foxrock, Loreto Dalkey and others. There are early signs of others sprouting up among parents of soon-to-be first-year students in Cork, Galway and elsewhere.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E7ZBKLE2FJH63AMP52DQP4HUHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503810},"content":"Parents are, in a way, conducting a large-scale social experiment: can they hold out in the face of their children’s self-proclaimed wants and needs, the might of social media’s addictive algorithms and what many see as a failure by successive governments to regulate the dangers of the online world.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IZXKKESGO5EDZH6VOV3V7QJ2NA","additional_properties":{"_id":"CDASCFDQR5AMLFWEKHEANZANG4"},"content":"Can a school smartphone ban work? Here’s what principals and anti-bullying researchers think","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ON77I4EADVA6DCGHTZIUN3IGWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503811},"content":"“Intuitively, we know that giving them a smartphone at that age is just too early,” Lovegrove says. “But I feel like the tide is turning. It’s about strength in numbers. If parents know their child won’t be the only one without a smartphone, it makes it much easier to delay.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZITMDYKRYNH3BKEU2IVWQW2SDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503812},"content":"Eoghan Cleary sees the impact of children’s unfettered internet access among his students on a daily basis.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XIRXTHQPVHANHKDX7AMLTEYEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503813},"content":"He is an assistant principal, English teacher and coordinator of SPHE (social, personal and health education) at Temple Carrig, a mixed secondary school in Greystones.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U74J7LU7CFDDHI6GLXIMMPFGL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503814},"content":"In discussions with his students, he says it is clear they are being bombarded with an array of highly inappropriate and damaging content – with serious consequences.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TG5S7YOGRBFTJOJCL2HLXJWXFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503815},"content":"“As soon as the internet realises you’re a teenage boy or girl, you are flooded with stuff which their research shows will keep you scrolling,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFMQGPKRXBAMFO6RURNDK7ZW34","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503816},"content":"“For guys, it’s all the misogynistic content. All of the narratives that men are being falsely accused of rape; that if you don’t have a father you’re more likely to be a rapist, a criminal and a drug addict – all this comes up in the classroom,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DNUCQ3ER2NATBD5G5OYYWJUQ3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503817},"content":"“And then for girls, they’re just bombarded with fake Ozempic nasal sprays, tanning injections, teeth filing, fake Botox supplements – all the stuff that’s based on their appearance and more so about their sexualisation.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZUQI6VFMVHEVKMHI7ZZKKNQVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503818},"content":"The proliferation of pornography is everywhere online, he says, and across all social media platforms.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASMISIB62NE3TLBO3AGNLVN2BM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503819},"content":"“If you’re a female student, you get direct messages regularly asking for nude selfies. I had a first-year group ... who had a WhatsApp group which was primarily used for porn sharing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GD4HLYNXKBCVVFVFR7APITL55I","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503820},"content":"The impact of all this, he says, is deeply troubling. Cleary has received disclosures of sexual assault from students who were at parties; evidence of students being blackmailed online after sharing sexual images of themselves; reports of self-harm in school bathrooms; worryingly high levels of anxiety and school refusal.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TXW7DQCR4FBR3PLJLRDOWOEXXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503821},"content":"Research shows mental health problems have soared since smartphones became ubiquitous well over a decade ago. There have been numerous warnings, too, of weakened social bonds, increased loneliness, sadness and social anxiety among children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QRXESHMXEBDNZEM3K6JEUEHTGY","additional_properties":{"_id":"FXONTBJ74JCK3N4DFCEFPNFFKY"},"content":"McEntee to push ahead with €9m smartphone pouches as study casts doubt over their merits","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"JIFTREAGF5AZHIRQG77UDEFJ6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503822},"content":"While some large-scale studies are slow to solidify a causal relationship between social media usage and these problems, Cleary has no such reservations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDRDTK272BE2FBN34F4TUHHXQU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503823},"content":"“To me, it’s so bloody obvious that it’s smartphones ... but I’m also at pains to state that it isn’t really about smartphones alone; it’s giving the internet access to your child, through any device. It is not so much what your child does online; it’s what the online world does as soon as it realises who your child is ... this wasn’t so much of a problem before algorithms.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MDNOOWTGLFHUDALQO42ZJUINYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503824},"type":"image"},{"_id":"WWSEKOECINH4HPKKJL5QT62WKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503825},"content":"Hilda Hamilton is one of the parents signed up to the “delay smartphones” campaign.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PIDHDKVBBRALNGGN2OMIBD3UEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503826},"content":"A mother of three from Sandymount in Dublin, she is determined to hold off getting a smartphone for her eldest son (12).","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVKTBJTJQZDMRNH7UTQCTW6SYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503827},"content":"“My gut feeling is there is something fundamentally wrong with giving a smartphone at that age,” she says. “I know how much I use it and I’m 44. It is so addictive – yet we’re expecting them to have the emotional intelligence to handle it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFXIHD2YYVAMDKQJQMENTOUCNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503828},"content":"She feels parents are being failed by government, regulators and social media companies, but is cheered by the fact that parents are taking action.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKHMBZPRIFFKFKNKTAUOMANFSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503829},"content":"Like many in the WhatsApp groups, she is thinking of giving her son an old-style Nokia or Balance phone, designed to block addictive content and apps, instead.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A3LEZY6KZFBTLIXUGI3TZFPGAI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503830},"content":"“I’m pro technology and being able to communicate, but want to delay his access to social media ... It would purely be a means of contacting him. You can still have independence with a normal phone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7OI74BRKBZA4BB7XRTLRAU3EBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503831},"content":"Gill Hurley from Dalkey has told her 12-year-old he will not be getting a phone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ACNVUFJP25G3BKBCYHCZDL7ZKM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503832},"content":"“Is he delighted? No, but he understands my view ... they don’t have to like it, but if they understand your reasons, I think they will get more on-board ...","type":"text"},{"_id":"EMEGO5KGIBE3LDQVQO7K473AC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503833},"content":"“I’m not naive and I know the pressure will be on when he starts second level ... but I also know that if I gave him a smartphone, I’d be arguing all the time about apps and screen time. So, this really is the lesser of the two evils.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"UICJO477ANGQ5JQXFGKQU4PR6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503834},"content":"For some parents involved in the initiative, it is a second chance to take a different path.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NXQWNSBKO5CQ3PRCVN7HME7H74","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503835},"content":"Ross Staunton gave his daughter in second year a smartphone when she started second level on the basis that all her class would have one.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOZWGZV3DVHXVOGKQL5PTVL5EM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503836},"content":"Having seen the impact of it, he wants to delay doing the same for his son who starts secondary school in September.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STOCESH75NALFJQNCLHWOX7U3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503837},"content":"“The crunch time will come in the summer,” he admits. “We’re all talking a good game at the moment and most, I think, are planning to press ahead with it. Even if some do cave in, I’m hopeful there will be enough. It will require bravery from parents. I think if we can hold off until 14 or 15 years of age, you’re doing well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3DGLS5R5DJEZDEYDOJ6PVUAKIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503838},"content":"Eoghan Cleary regularly gives talks to parents at schools about staying safe online. He has been doing it for about eight years but only recently felt a “tipping point” in the level of interest.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SVOVXUBUUVG5HIGFHMSRBMCUTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503839},"content":"“Back then there might have been 10 or 14 people in the room turning up. Now, the rooms are packed with hundreds of parents. Parents are more aware. They can see what’s going on with their children and don’t know what to do about it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I33OEAXH6FFALA6DIR3X3ATBRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503840},"content":"One of his key messages, he says, is that parents have power – even if they don’t realise it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJSPOFZAINAWRG53C73JPLNMJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739523503841},"content":"“Otherwise, governments are not going to do anything. Yes, there’s a large corporate tech lobby out there. But as soon as the parents come together and say, ‘you need to protect our children online’, they will have to act.”","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Carl O'Brien"}},"name":"Carl O'Brien"}]},"description":{"basic":"Mounting concern over role of social media algorithms in pushing inappropriate content to young people "},"display_date":"2025-02-14T09:16:50.386Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I had first-years with a WhatsApp group mainly used for porn sharing’: Why parents are delaying access to smartphones for their kids","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"K2QNO564NNAKPN256EBQWGZZIY","auth":{"1":"0958ff87cb41a3c39828d2d8cc56786cb1ba668802ab635382da34288412ccfa"},"focal_point":{"x":1105,"y":555},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/K2QNO564NNAKPN256EBQWGZZIY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Education"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Ireland"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/ireland/education/2025/02/14/the-tide-is-turning-why-more-parents-are-delaying-access-to-smartphones-for-children-starting-secondary-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/ireland/education","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Education"}}}},{"_id":"WAYLR4HZ5NAGPCZJQ4A4CBBJVE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":215,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/c60269c3-5114-4e1f-a24d-3adc71be7039/versions/1739469754/media/6bf5b2e4174a26812471e62959d3b2bc_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/ireland/social-affairs/2025/02/13/i-met-gianmarco-the-day-i-finished-the-inca-trail-in-peru-today-he-is-an-irish-citizen/","content_elements":[{"_id":"7NM2OGJBFNGHFMP7BFBMQDJNTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797889},"content":"I like to think there is a hopeless romantic in the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/department-of-justice/\" target=\"_self\">Department of Justice</a> who punches the air dramatically when they learn that my husband has finally become an <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/irish-naturalisation-and-immigration-service/\" target=\"_self\">Irish citizen</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WULKV6UHAVFLHE6R2K55TEN4P4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797890},"content":"Some civil servant utterly invested in our relationship; one who has read through our personal letters, invitations to friends’ weddings and photographs with family.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3VWKMRWBM5DVNCOG5EHOJ2UVSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797891},"content":"I can picture them following Gianmarco’s story as he progressed his career and purchased a house, gasping when he added a marriage cert and twins’ birth certs to online visa applications.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CKC4XBSDYVHBNEZN4OMIQJJVSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797892},"content":"We flooded the department with documents of a personal nature so they couldn’t refuse us a chance at a future together, resulting in residence permits and now citizenship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"8fbf65c6-3939-46ab-add7-1447aa6daf7c","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797893},"subtype":"irish-times-video","type":"video"},{"_id":"GKHOKLKQ7FFHNJL7QJSJBXYHVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797894},"content":"I first met Gianmarco the day I finished the Inca trail in Cusco, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/peru/\" target=\"_self\">Peru</a>. A regular story of boy-meets-girl who then date 9,844km apart.","type":"text"},{"_id":"COOZDYBEARE3LCSCBZG2U26XBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797895},"content":"Friends used to tease as we met up again on “neutral ground” (“What’s your romcom going to be called: ‘PS, I’m in Morocco’?”), but there was clearly a connection, and we persisted by trialling visits in both Lima and Dublin.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V6Y2K7MP5NE3VCQRD7QWLFHFXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797896},"content":"We never dreamed of a cross-continent relationship, but we took a punt and here we are 19 years later at the Convention Centre.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QV6GXCALZCV5KXAYR6XEJGDZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797897},"type":"image"},{"_id":"VDXE2MBB6FB4JMUZC7ZFFYVSBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797898},"content":"When he first arrived in 2013, Gianmarco was told he was one of nine Peruvians in the country. (Fact check: there were at least more than 51 according to the CSO and that has risen to 231 by Census 2022.)","type":"text"},{"_id":"KOJMGV7N6FALLD7TXR35W2AIQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797899},"content":"But he soon found his tribe. There’s something about being far from home that brings out a fervent sense of nationalism. Suddenly we were waving red and white flags at Independence Day celebrations, seeking out compatriots to swap recipes for ceviche and roaring at the big screen as Peru qualified for their first World Cup since Spain 1982.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U6M7BKF254ZKU725D54RVPQOUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797900},"type":"image"},{"_id":"EDEO7L2RDZGKLH5T7AZ6JU7VEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797901},"content":"Gianmarco later joined other Peruvians in the St Patrick’s Day parade, was invited to the Áras by <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/michael-d-higgins/\" target=\"_self\">Michael D</a> and even trialled a pop-up Peruvian restaurant.","type":"text"},{"_id":"57TG3JGMJZEYVOFZOXAWY34RIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797902},"content":"Similarly, he assimilated to Irish culture. He embraced opportunities to learn Irish, pick a favourite pub (The Blue Light) and learn enough about rugby to hold his own during the Six Nations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4QKJ4W727FE5DJBJ6Y3UXJNBUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797903},"content":"At one point he even joined a burly, if ageing, rugby team. He persisted with training through muddy November in Donnybrook, but called it quits after a collision in a scrum and a purple eye, retiring just weeks after his debut aged 40.","type":"text"},{"_id":"25ZDZV4CQZHBFF73PZSDF2F6YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797904},"content":"“I moved to Ireland in the month of August, so the culture shock was minimal as the weather was great,” he says. “The winters are hard, but there’s nothing like Dublin – people are friendly, always interested to know where I come from and exchange stories. I love how Irish people respect their culture, how they are so proud of their language.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G253BXH6S5FAZJAHMSSBJTGMOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797905},"type":"image"},{"_id":"3MENOA2UUJHXRD7R33QRJ23OH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797906},"content":"Now over a decade in, our family of four relish weekend walks in the mountains, swims with the boys (think more Swan Leisure Centre, less Irish Sea) and sessions with our extended family.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KVF4Z6Y4CRBGDOICOXGKAGHVDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797907},"content":"Although the distance to his hometown never shrinks, connections to family in Lima are now as quick and cheap as a WhatsApp call.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GFSOBHYWYFFHHDRQBS6KOJACOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739518797908},"content":"Let’s be honest, there’s little romance left in the Civil Service these days, but cheers to that bored bureaucrat for trawling through years of tedious applications to lead to Irish citizenship.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Claire Murphy"}]},"description":{"basic":"Irish citizenship ceremony: We never dreamed of a cross-continent relationship but here we are 19 years later "},"display_date":"2025-02-13T17:57:29.24Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I met Gianmarco the day I finished the Inca trail in Peru. Today he is an Irish citizen’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EQQ5IGCQWZGDRNFPRZQ63APFFA","auth":{"1":"f9357619acdc6175ea6d7fb06393b02d8b1574e0a0291c847787da9e0559fd07"},"focal_point":{"x":2060,"y":720},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EQQ5IGCQWZGDRNFPRZQ63APFFA.JPG"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Social Affairs"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Ireland"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/ireland/social-affairs/2025/02/13/i-met-gianmarco-the-day-i-finished-the-inca-trail-in-peru-today-he-is-an-irish-citizen/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/ireland/social-affairs","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Social Affairs"}}}},{"_id":"6QXWNRKH3FHYZN6C2TIROGCDHA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":734,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/95bbd895-1fb3-4a89-bc64-bb474d0b409e/versions/1738759475/media/f47126b483bf6e62e3a2e1618d05a14d_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/11/regretting-working-outside-the-home-were-told-to-parent-like-we-dont-work-and-work-like-we-dont-parent/","content_elements":[{"_id":"J4A7ANRNQZERJLJVOJQ7VELWSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160880},"content":"There was a time when women were expected to give up any dreams or notion of a career when they married. The <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/business/economy/2022/09/23/john-fitzgerald-taliban-like-marriage-bar-held-back-the-nations-economy/#:~:text=The%20Commission%20on%20the%20Status,their%20turnover%20of%20trained%20staff.\" target=\"_blank\">marriage bar</a>, for many jobs in Ireland, was in place until 1973. A woman’s place was clearly in the home. And the same was naturally true for those who were mothers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160881},"type":"image"},{"_id":"Y6KCD2IAFVCCVCBJRZ5BZG6TUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160882},"content":"Fast forward several decades and things now look a little different. Marriage and motherhood, in theory, are no longer barriers to successful and fulfilling careers. Women have fought hard to be heard and seen in the pursuit of equality and opportunity.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QAKBJZRPZJEKBADH5M2TXSOCPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160883},"content":"Which makes admitting that you’d actually prefer to have a more traditional role in the family somewhat difficult to say out loud.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KIPUF2PWARHADJEC6ILIYYVUII","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160884},"content":"Carla finds herself envying her friend, who is a stay-at-home parent. “I’d love to have, not a stress-free life, but a less stressful life,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZEWRYKVKBGIXGZ4GJGJIELIWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160885},"content":"She wonders if more women would prefer to stay at home if the option was available to them, “but we have this societal thing of, if you don’t work, what about your pension? What about after your children are reared? What if you and your partner break up? You need to be financially independent. There’s so much conflicting information told to parents. We’re told to parent like we don’t work. And work like we don’t parent.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"S32FM5ZH6JHKHBZHIVK6HNAU2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160886},"content":"The mother of two says she recently sought out a job, which was flexible, but for which she’s “totally overqualified”, earning far less money than she could. This, although frustrating, is necessary, she explains, so she can work around children’s sicknesses, appointments and school holidays.","type":"text"},{"_id":"64FGE42LO5HRHKQD25ELMWIVPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160887},"content":"Although her children are now both in school, Carla says she’s still paying approximately €800 per month “for really crap childcare”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IRWEHEBQ7VEMLDS664KLV6V4EQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160888},"content":"Young parents: ‘A lot of them would suffer social anxiety and isolation’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"2K33SKBDHVDEDAB44P2MM3TK5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160889},"content":"“One of the regrets as a working parent is that I just feel I’m running to stand still. When they were younger, I was working literally to pay their creche fees, but I did it, going ‘this is temporary’. I’ve got all this education. I’ve got all these skills, and when they start school I’ll have more money in my pocket. Now, I still feel like I’ve the same money in my pocket, which is not a lot, and I’m still working and I just don’t see when the break is going to come that being a working parent has been worth it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VAU6WGOP5JFIFOJV5OERZUNPJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160890},"content":"“I have tremendous guilt that they go to afterschool every day when other kids are picked up by their parents. My youngest today said to me, ‘Can you pick me up [from school]?’, and I said, ‘I can’t I’ve to work, but I’ll try and pick you up early from after school if I get through my work’, and he got really upset.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LMCDJ3O55EHPJXJVWEVZZRJW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160891},"content":"Carla is “run ragged” trying to manage work and parenting. If she can’t commit to a late work meeting, because she needs to collect her children, she tries to avoid explaining why. When she has to explain, she fears she’s being judged. She used to judge others, before she became a parent. She’s “wrecked” each week. “People say, all you need is some downtime. But the only time I could get downtime is when I get sick.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AG7T52ODC5CHPKA6XUQNZI6POE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160892},"content":"Older family members have passed comments about being a working parent, such as: “You go to college to get this education, and then you have your kids and you just put them in creche all day… you just can’t win.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TQBPUW6VNAXRJQER5OMKKB34U","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160893},"content":"She’s already worried about how she’s going to manage to work the school summer holidays. “It’s so different from the childhood I had,” she says. “My summers were definitely a lot more innocent and carefree and less structured, because most of us had a mammy at home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VVWMV4GD6BGGTMV34LUUVHRPY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160894},"content":"Mother of two Emma is very eager to become a stay-at-home mother. “That’s the goal,” she says. “Even when working full-time, leaving at 7am and returning at almost 7pm, the rest of the time is not dedicated to my kids. I then have to think about cooking and feeding the family, preparing lunches, cleaning the house, washing the clothes, food shopping, doctors, vaccinations, dentists, eye tests, endless birthday parties, and dealing with kids getting every illness under the sun – while ill too!”","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6YKOXBWXJGMROQ2NBI5ZNCFLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160895},"content":"She’s left “exhausted with no quality family time, let alone date night, all while worrying about making ends even come close to meeting”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XH3Y7INWFBFPGZPDQUJYONNCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160896},"content":"Podcast: Becoming a mother at 49: ‘If I didn’t try… I would have lived with regret until the end of my days’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OISOSW7QOJEKHIW36RYK2KB6RY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160897},"content":"Emma doesn’t feel her desire to assume a more traditional role in her family, is in any way an affront to feminism. “My being a stay-at-home mum has no bearing on what any other woman or mum decides is right for her and her family. For our family and life, we would prefer for my husband to work with what he is passionate about and educated in, while I do what I love: raise our children and run and manage the household. That’s what makes sense to us, fills both our cups and is the life we have chosen to work towards.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"N6BZFDEGHBDNXEMNW4MYTGT2NQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160898},"content":"Ailbhe, is a mother to two young children. She’s also a primary schoolteacher. But she’d far prefer to be a stay-at-home parent, she explains. “I just find the pace of life in society at the moment is mad. There’s no downtime. I’m job-sharing, so I’ve the best of both worlds, but I still feel you’re dragging the kids out of bed in the morning. You’re dropping them off. You’re rushing to work, the supermarket. You’re just constantly on the go.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EIXU2LMW7ZDHNMIWWW6YBTLUNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160899},"content":"Ailbhe has a commute to work every day which adds to the stress. “I just feel as a society we’re all in a rush and, sometimes, it feels like you’re on that hamster wheel … but the way things are, you need two incomes for a mortgage. It’s just the way things are.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GRRWIGHSHVANROQF5V6GI2MWVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160900},"content":"Her ideal would be to become a stay-at-home mam who is at home growing her own vegetables. “I’d love to have that pace of life and just to know what my kids are eating. That they’re eating healthy foods, and to have that little bit of freedom … I think my kids will never have the freedom that we had when we were younger.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FLQGTBSD2BHJTLRKLSNRFL46WE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160901},"content":"Ailbhe likes to prepare meals from scratch and says if she could stay at home, she could do this more. She understands that people might view adopting this more traditional role as a waste of her education. “I get that … but I guess that’s just how I feel at the moment. Maybe part of me is burnt out from my job, from work, from the mortgage, it’s all non-stop … from having two young kids. I’m at that stage where it’s all a bit mad.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6X3DIE6Q5EEDE3NCOERK4RYLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160902},"content":"“As a mother, you lose yourself for a few years definitely. And I feel that just having a bit more time. I feel that the last five years have been nothing to do with me and all about everyone else.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TWWCYXUSS5FSDOJCYVLHAVN66M","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160903},"content":"Ailbhe feels society has become quite unaccepting of the idea of a woman choosing to become a stay-at-home parent. “We have a ‘notions’ society. It’s all about what you have and how big your house is and your car and the whole lot. I think less is more. Spend time with your kids. I think that’s what’s missing and I see that in school. I see that the kids are not spending time with their parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5E6UWWJ34VCJ7PGKSDP556Z5T4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160904},"content":"Deirdre has two children and has recently finished up work. “I used to go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.” She and her husband were like “ships that passed in the night”, due to their different working hours.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RUFTSMEHWFCFDJGUT5DXEQBUIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160905},"content":"“It came to a head when the children were both in primary school. I found we had no time for any life, family life. It was a very functional life. You’d pick the kids up from the childminder. Get into the dark house. Turn on the lights. Get the washing machine on. Get the dinner on. When I look back at it now, it was joyless and soulless.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHLDCKODLBHCZLLMULM4L7WRI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160906},"content":"“When the kids were younger we were always working full-time and the kids were in creche. I remember at one stage the creche was the same as our mortgage. When I look at it now I think, ‘Jesus, how did we buy into it?’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LZ76ZMQWZBBZFFEIIFYQ56ORXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160907},"content":"Things changed for Deirdre after a period of ill health forced her to take some time off. “It was during that period of sick leave, knowing I had to go back to work, that my husband and I said ‘something’s got to give’ and I decided to take a career break.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"34TTLUYXQRBYTHRV2KCT3YJBDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160908},"content":"In the absence of a second wage, the couple used their savings, help from family and she became an expert bargain hunter when shopping for food. “You had the time for all this,” she says. “It was the best time of my life. It was the happiest I ever was. I had the gift of time with the kids, for my husband, for the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3VNGPYL7IZAO3E3RHORP6DCCFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160909},"content":"“I had time for my health. I lost six stone. I had time to walk and be healthy. From the corporate working woman, I turned into this 1950s housewife. I had the milk and home-made cookies ready for the kids coming in from school and I absolutely loved it. I found I didn’t miss the cut and thrust of work at all. I missed my colleagues and maybe some of the social side, but I really got some perspective, that the career didn’t matter as much as I thought. I was so much happier and more fulfilled.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"V7KMDEMJABGYXNLHDOIQEYKVYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160910},"content":"Knowing a return to work was unavoidable, Deirdre and her husband set about planning to allow Deirdre to retire early so she could return to being a stay-at-home parent. “My career didn’t, and it doesn’t, define me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TQRBOL6IR5BIROZ6VEFLNOVCNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160911},"content":"Rosanna Davison: I annoy myself with how organised I am. I wish I could be less efficient","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ASEPB23GNZBODG3363PW3TFZH4","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160912},"content":"“You realise that all that stressful work catches up with you,” she says. “I saw it from the far side too. When you leave work, they forget about you as quick as they look at you. I’m so grateful that I got out because I think I would have been in an early grave myself. I got a new slant on what was important and I’m about a billion times happier than I was.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X7NEL677NBEJDLRBN2PFGD2CBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160913},"content":"“Wanting to stay at home and care for your children is totally normal,” psychotherapist Bethan O’Riordan says. “I feel that it almost needs to be carved out in a new modern way and a modern light. That it’s not a being chained to the kitchen sink-type thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F27ZKDK245FRNCTGTNUQDMHDDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160914},"content":"“I think being a woman is so complicated and tricky. A lot of people went to college and got jobs, maybe before they had children … so then when children come along, there’s a whole new draw in our lives that we didn’t even know existed before, because we never experienced motherhood. I love being a homemaker and I take great pride in it. And I would love if women were allowed to celebrate that bit as well.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4RUPJ4QXRHYJMG44SCIJEQKOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160915},"content":"Guilt is “a very normal motivational system that we have to do no harm to somebody else” she says, referring to the infamous mum guilt. The difficulty is that “guilt doesn’t know when to dial down”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MW4VUKED5ZD3TNRLVQYG72F6LY","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160916},"content":"O’Riordan advises mothers to think about the “quality and not the quantity of parenting” they’re providing. “The quality isn’t all the stuff you can get for them, or the expensive bits, but how is the quality of your engagement with your child?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RXCE6UYLLBDWRKAAGMJPO6T5OI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160917},"content":"Children want their parents’ attention, O’Riordan explains. “Whether we’re working in the home, being a homemaker, whether we’ve got a fantastic career, I do think it’s still possible to use our attention to let our children know that we care. And I do think we all need help figuring that out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7DQLK3MRYJBYPEZYGCYNTJVKOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160918},"content":"“Every mother needs to be supported because there is so much thrown at us in terms of what we’re meant to be in life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DHNAJA2FOBDPDNFX2MMFGEG2MI","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160919},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"WSDGLUWQ4BBHPNYG2GANQHKGWM","additional_properties":{"_id":1739260160920},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"JEXUJ3KVQNA4XIFB4PXYATWFZQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting Taboos: The creche was the same as our mortgage. When I look at it now I think, ‘Jesus, how did we buy into it?’"},"display_date":"2025-02-11T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Regretting working outside the home: ‘We’re told to parent like we don’t work. And work like we don’t parent’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"JX72UPZAQJHK7KZRTFMNWB37MY","auth":{"1":"169062fdee9c186e7ba2bd1a3f02424d9f1713b45908b8ebbf36225ea606095b"},"focal_point":{"x":1821,"y":1528},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/JX72UPZAQJHK7KZRTFMNWB37MY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/11/regretting-working-outside-the-home-were-told-to-parent-like-we-dont-work-and-work-like-we-dont-parent/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"EYWA7WBLUZCKJH55UYJWFYY2OA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":307,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/f97e93eb-9e0e-4990-96b9-e24c0c9c0a15/versions/1738669003/media/ca98d83e6bc52248d37b434c677ce7c1_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/10/how-do-i-deal-with-a-highly-capable-17-year-old-girl-who-does-not-want-to-go-to-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"WG2VNBZVIJHKFDYLHB5CFKL5UE","additional_properties":{},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"P4G752JUPRGVZLFSQSNYLQ5LLM","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>How do I deal with a highly capable 17-year-old girl who does not want to go to school? She seems to be suffering from very high anxiety levels and is stressed about many aspects of school, such as being asked a question by the teachers or being asked to read aloud in class, etc.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"S4ZXBEXJFVHTBMW52RSRRCEOLU","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>We encourage her to attend school, but it does not always work and often ends up with her in tears and staying at home. Even when she does leave the car to go in, you can see how stressed she is. We feel bad, like we are sending her into the lion’s den. When she comes home she is often wrecked by the stress and has to go to bed. When we talk to the teachers, they don’t seem to notice her stress and just see her as a quiet girl in the class. She is highly capable academically and gets good grades on tests (despite stressing about them).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"UA2GFZ2B6FCODNWVG4NC5D2H3I","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>Another thing is that she does not have too many friends in school – her best two friends are her cousin and another girl she knows for years from ballet. She loves holidays and is much happier during the school breaks. For example, we just had a great Christmas with her, but as the school reopening date approached her stress levels really increased.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"4I2GPCC3FJGEXIZYTV3MGDAKEM","additional_properties":{},"content":"<b>Any advice would be very much appreciated.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFLXK6EXFVAX5KCZUEIL7I3A2I","additional_properties":{},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZZRBAJP4GNAOBOOX5AR7YE6XKM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Many children and teenagers find attending school stressful and <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/child-anxiety/\" target=\"_blank\">anxiety</a> provoking. This is particularly the case for children who are <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autistic</a> or who have other additional needs. Specific reasons for these high levels of stress vary greatly. Like your daughter, they experience high anxiety at the prospect of being asked a question or to read out loud (and can ruminate about this for hours). Others find the social pressures, school routine or the academic schedule difficult to navigate. Like your daughter, many children appear “quiet” in the class and the teachers don’t notice their anxiety, when in fact this is a sign of your daughter masking her distress and in a state of emotional shutdown.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SEHB2DOELVAEPKCPUWDW6MVYQA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Meeting the school","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZHCQMQCXERDPVNSYUIK2WXLPFY","additional_properties":{},"content":"The first thing to do to help is to meet the year head in the school and to explain the high levels of anxiety your daughter is experiencing and to ask for their support. They may have a resource teacher or school counsellor who can help. You can specifically ask the year head to let all her teachers know to not ask her to read in class and if she is to be involved in any presentation that they give you notice so you can help her prepare her. You can also ask for other accommodations that might help. For example, some children find it useful to have a safe place to go to when needing a break from the stress (such as the counsellor’s office) or having some structured activities or jobs at the lunchbreaks may reduce stress also.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2LGTP4IUPZFN5GJJXLW2FAQRAM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Consider reducing your daughter’s school day","type":"header"},{"_id":"MWQ7JND7JVGE7ONNLTM5D3M67A","additional_properties":{},"content":"Given that your daughter is highly capable 17 year old, she might be more productive in her study/learning at home where she is happier and more relaxed. As a result you could consider reducing the number of days she attends school or reducing the length of the school day to reduce stress. You could do this with agreement with the school by negotiating a reduced schedule or a pass system whereby she can leave class on a high stress day and contact you to go home (you will likely need the support of a professional assessment to persuade the school to agree to this). You can also agree a home pass system with your daughter. For example, on a high stress day, she can opt to use her pass to take the day off and study at home (you can agree she has so many passes a week).","type":"text"},{"_id":"K7JBXPVHNJAAPBXSBGIBCN6YHE","additional_properties":{},"content":"This gives her some self-control and avoids a tearful journey to school where she finally decides not to go in under extreme stress. In arranging a reduced schedule it is important to give your daughter a cover story that she feels able to communicate to peers about her absences. This can be simply be that she is prone to fatigue or sickness and needs time off to recuperate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47TFCMXGI5CBTDJRZM25NRUYGU","additional_properties":{"_id":"JXJAXASZOJAKBIBSW4I4K42C6I"},"content":"‘My 17-year-old says the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go into school’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"PW622SJR6BDXLEFSW66UVK2IIU","additional_properties":{},"content":"Explore options with your daughter","type":"header"},{"_id":"XXSHNDK3ZBD23FLH7GCWKCP6J4","additional_properties":{},"content":"Whatever you decide, it is important to talk through options with your daughter. Make sure to listen to her and show her that you understand and are there to help her. Encourage her to say more about her specific stresses during the school day and explore what things might help her. There may be effective strategies that you can come up with together. Consider getting the support of a counsellor who could talk through the challenges with you or your daughter or with both of you together. In addition, make sure to continue to support her in the activities that are source of wellbeing in her life, such as going to ballet, meeting her cousin and friends as well as breaks and holidays. Planning and focusing on some nice events, as well as problem-solving challenges together as they arise will add to her ability to cope.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLA4HQTFZBG6RNFXB6OWWSBDOU","additional_properties":{},"content":"For more support, please see the other questions I have written on <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/dr-john-sharry-five-steps-to-beating-your-child-s-anxiety-1.2999861\">school related anxiety</a>. There are some good parent Facebook groups such as School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties in Ireland and Not Fine in School in the UK as well as some useful <a href=\"https://www.cypsc.ie/resources/emotionally-based-school-avoidance-school-refusal-resources.3635.html\">resource packs for parents and teachers</a> published by <a href=\"https://www.cypsc.ie/\">cypsc.ie</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L7SQHROK35E4FLDMKRJWVB3IJQ","content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"V6LIZG4E6ZDXRIVY7P6X35CP2I","type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: She seems to be suffering from very high anxiety levels and is stressed about many aspects of school"},"display_date":"2025-02-10T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How do I deal with a highly capable 17-year-old girl who does not want to go to school?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5FXJW5AKSVHWTBKQZGD356DZV4","auth":{"1":"80eff4447138bc75a339cd5e288ea0ddb5e5d1d70e8188883e3fde6571bb99ae"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5FXJW5AKSVHWTBKQZGD356DZV4.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/02/10/how-do-i-deal-with-a-highly-capable-17-year-old-girl-who-does-not-want-to-go-to-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"RXF2MHYY2ZGVTKICNPMV4OSZLQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":324,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/67b63e4e-4cda-465c-abf8-b3b3cbe4283c/versions/1738076208/media/20ee3891ef761a93d89522873a03e34b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/29/whatsapp-groups-are-like-hotel-california-you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave/","content_elements":[{"_id":"R2PLIMFGI5ACTBHAX6XDYJIN24","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Do you have Aladdin?” the voice on the end of the phone asked.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6UAOMMU7FD6NOFF5NPFUAT4QE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“The school app?” I replied, wondering where this conversation was going.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OFXTCSRL7JDXDGELERO27ACJ7Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Yes,” my friend answered. “Of course you do. Because everyone bloody does. But does that stop them?” she demanded. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"JSPJIPOEK5D2LGRQB7X2YOOIQQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"I had an inkling who “them” was, but my friend was in full flow, so I let her at it. It was January 23rd, the day before <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2025/01/27/storm-eowyn-crews-brought-from-eu-countries-to-help-esb-restore-power/\" target=\"_blank\" title=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2025/01/27/storm-eowyn-crews-brought-from-eu-countries-to-help-esb-restore-power/\">Storm Éowyn</a>. Or the big red weather warning storm, as those who were there and remember it well, fondly call it. And the notification that the schools were to close the next day had gone out on her Aladdin app.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KV3ZL52MTVGSHEWUI6GJ44HYZQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"This wasn’t the source of her stress. It was the fact that someone had screenshot the message and shared it in her class WhatsApp group, thus springing the group into life. “We all have Aladdin. So, we all got the message. And we all knew it was coming, anyway, because it was all over the news. But still some lick has to be the first one to post it in the group, and now the next hour will be spent with my notifications going off as they all go, “thanks Julie”. “Oh, you’re so good for letting us know, Julie.” “Cheers, Julie.” “Oh, fair play, Julie.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YK35WA6WQ5FMFFZ2OAXT6FHJAE","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SNITAQ37R5C6TO46SGGRKCQKCA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Only it didn’t stop there. Because my friend has three children in school. And that screenshot turned up in each of the three class groups, where a similar response pattern broke out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLWW3BLFQJBOVKEVYX4LYHMHEE","additional_properties":{},"content":"“I swear to God, this just tips me over the edge. I mean I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with these WhatsApp groups when menopause hits!” she continued.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EBBBFXHZQZFUJBU37HEORWZEPE","additional_properties":{},"content":"At the risk of terrifying helpful <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parents everywhere </a>– or mortally offending my own WhatsApp groups who are well used to my own “what’s this, now”? reply to helpful reminders, which prove rarely to be reminders to me anyway – I should clarify that my friend has a weird relationship with her phone. We openly tease her for it. She’s the sort of person who uses the phone to ring people, in that whole retro vibe. And she doesn’t even text beforehand to see if the person she’s ringing is okay with her ringing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVQ56ULMMFETXFNABNJQY6SF6I","additional_properties":{},"content":"Like I said, retro.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7GOWMKGOUBFA5CYXOXWWDPWRGQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"She finds the whole WhatsApp thing very intrusive. She’s not keen that a lot of people she doesn’t know very well have her phone number in the interest of class co-ordination. She recently got a text that began: “Hi” and so she immediately checked with me and another friend (we have a WhatsApp group) to see if one of us had changed number. “No,” we replied. To which she answered that she had blocked the number and deleted the message because the sender had used a full stop after the word Hi, which was a red flag to her, she said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LIPAYYDJW5HHFLQW2KQCJMTNEY","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"VSOIATVEMFDQDKKQ2RAWMCQIIU","additional_properties":{},"content":"A little while later, having given the offending punctuation some thought, another message appeared in our group. “I’m thinking that might have been a parent sending on a party invite. And I might have been a teeny bit over the top. Does anyone know how to retrieve an unread, deleted message, whose number I’ve blocked on WhatsApp”?","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZ7W4JCQKRGL3OH23WZQO2B4K4","additional_properties":{},"content":"We were still of no use to her. Even after we’d stopped laughing at her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G2W4UDUMFZH2VO65M7UJGKNORY","additional_properties":{},"content":"But even in the world of more proportionate responses to WhatsApp messages and WhatsApp groups, the incessant notifications, and claims of ever-so-subtle competition are enough to see plenty of parents rolling their eyes far back into their heads.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WG2A2JELKNGHZIBG45HJ2GSRMM","additional_properties":{},"content":"For some, it’s constant attempts to decipher what actually is for homework with multiple journals considered and multiple children consulted until the adults are content that the homework is accurate. For others, it’s the never-ending “is it tracksuit or uniform?” checks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MHNZBOFEZF2JADEGJJYJNCTPI","additional_properties":{},"content":"“Who cares?” exclaimed one parent in frustration.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3W4UVLZJ7RBITBHHUSPJ3WWTV4","subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"CTBIPHLJZZFIVP2SH63ZNLH2I4","additional_properties":{},"content":"It’s the “has anyone seen X’s coat, on a daily basis” another parent offered. While one found herself quickly removed from, John’s 10th birthday group. “Oops, didn’t mean to invite him.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEIRH7GLJVGPNFZH4DM3KCJNWQ","additional_properties":{},"content":"And then there’s the added danger of alcohol. “Step away from social media when you’ve had a few,” goes the mantra. But alas having a few can make you forget that mantra and post unwisely in the group. One parent told the tale of two parents who posted a video of themselves “absolutely twisted, dancing around their livingroom. It was there for about an hour before one of them copped it and deleted it. But everyone had seen it. Everyone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VB6ZKHPMX5A2XMQGPQFPQGYRQE","additional_properties":{},"content":"While another parent shared that time a mum in their WhatsApp group decided to tell them all to f**k off, before having to apologise the next day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HLC5OXMZ5ZBIJIQ4Z2ROSHJTZM","additional_properties":{},"content":"Yet, despite the occupational hazards, we stay. WhatsApp groups are like Hotel California. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"‘I don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with these WhatsApp groups when menopause hits!' "},"display_date":"2025-02-03T06:05:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"WhatsApp groups are like Hotel California ... You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"FGL3IWGZOJFIVGBWUHHKZPPNZE","auth":{"1":"92c55cbfc700c9181d99c0771db11a34ab71ada71164eaad5207c20810b20abc"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FGL3IWGZOJFIVGBWUHHKZPPNZE.png"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/29/whatsapp-groups-are-like-hotel-california-you-can-check-out-any-time-you-like-but-you-can-never-leave/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"LY5FCGOI4FBTPFL2NW2Z35I4QI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":359,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/96e509ff-272f-4916-9e43-d98c7e6b548d/versions/1737391627/media/732b5ecf37a72aa810dfedeba3d33ff5_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/27/my-15-year-old-son-hates-going-to-school-and-is-not-doing-any-homework-or-study/","content_elements":[{"_id":"ZANAF4LA4NDJ3FWCX2PAUJHQ4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723521},"content":"<b>Q: My 15-year-old son hates going to school. He was diagnosed with </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adhd/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>ADHD </b></a><b>(attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) and </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dyslexia/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>dyslexia </b></a><b>last March.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q7EMHPBLYZHVDFQ7DLNPBEZD74"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"LJWA2ED76JFNPFYMOMWFOTWPYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166661},"content":"<b>He is now in Junior Cert year and is not doing any homework or study. The teachers say he has largely switched off in classes and, of course, he is not doing well in school tests. The formal subjects, such as maths and English, are particularly hard for him – he describes them as really boring and he just blanks them out. He got an Irish exemption because of his dyslexia, which took some of the pressure off. He is slightly better in engineering and woodwork – I think largely because he gets to move about a bit and he gets on with his woodwork teacher.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"MNKFZA5LJNDBXEB4TYWUHL3HII","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723528},"content":"<b>I have tried to push him to do some homework and study at home, but he completely resists this. It has led to a lot of conflict in the past. He says that school is pure drudgery and he can’t bear the thought of taking out books for homework when he needs a break from it all.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"ATOSCBA2SVGTTOD53ZOPXZEKV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166663},"content":"<b>Despite all this, he is a really lovely boy. He can be very droll and funny, and we get on well when I am not on his case about homework. He loves sports, video games and going out with his friends. He plays both soccer and GAA, and looks forward to these.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"T7F6UN5W3BGKFHP2KXUEYNU4DI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166664},"content":"<b>The one thing he likes about school is meeting his friends there. I have met with the school staff and they do provide one hour a week resource teacher, but my son barely remembers this.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"CTI2S3YXH5FGXPTIIRNVGYESZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166665},"content":"<b>I’m not sure what to do with him. Should I just let him continue the way he is? Some of my family say I should be harder on him and not let him play video games or go out until he has done study. but I think this will only make things worse.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMUF6I3SGRFEFGJXRHJOGAWLN4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166666},"content":"<b>When I try to talk to him about it all, he just says he hates school and he wants to leave. I try to persuade him to stay, but he is not listening. This makes me worry.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"V6MQ47CE7NAMBNPPI77AT3AJIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723529},"content":"<b>A: </b>Many ADHD and dyslexic children find school challenging. Formal didactic teaching, involving long hours sitting at a desk listening to subjects that don’t interest them, can invoke boredom and cause them to switch off. Children with ADHD often prefer teaching that is interactive and project-based, allows physical experimentation and follows their passions and interests. As a result, they can miss out on learning and underperform in formal school, which can become a stressful experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQNZVTZXFRE4RBSTRU5HSONUZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166669},"content":"Think what it must feel like for your son to be sitting there all day bored and not learning anything – his description of this as “drudgery” describes this well. Over time, this experience damages children’s self-esteem as they receive frequent negative messaging that they are lazy or “unintelligent” – when it is the teaching environment that is not meeting their learning needs. Below are some ideas to move forward.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HKFSEQV5SJC23JJT3BIUBKXPZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723530},"content":"Empathise with your son","type":"header"},{"_id":"5JTHFWLTPNCBDM7NJWSYYIZ2HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723531},"content":"Make sure to empathise with your son. Listen when he talks about challenges at school and say that you understand how difficult it is for him. Praise him for putting in the effort and to attend every day. Talk about his ADHD and dyslexia in an empathetic way that helps him understand himself. The way he learns is different from the ways the subjects are being taught in school. Discuss also the many positives about being ADHD in terms of creativity, innovation, being able to think outside the box and so on.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DK3JUSLY3ZHQDCZYUH7SOAQZIM","additional_properties":{"_id":"TN42A357QNBQLHZY5J2U2AVEDU"},"content":"John Brennan on dyslexia: ‘Society views people on how they’re doing in school’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"XOF6R23VRVA33PC3Y6NYHO5TQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723532},"content":"Look at options","type":"header"},{"_id":"QTDPXLQZ5VB4PBN5AADQCVMKZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723533},"content":"When he says he wants to leave school, rather than arguing back, have an open conversation about his options. What does he want for his life? What work would he like? Take time to explore his strengths and passions both in school (engineering and woodwork) and outside, such as his soccer and GAA, and his ability to make friends – these indicate the things he is good at and even the careers he might follow later (such as teaching sports, working with people, a trade and so on).","type":"text"},{"_id":"HHX4V5EHQJE4FEKEJR2VEFWXPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166674},"content":"Look at the different education options he has after the Junior Cert such as transition year (which may suit him better) or the Leaving Cert Applied to allow him focus on subjects he likes or an apprenticeship in a trade he wishes to explore.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFUGD2ZBURH4PI5762KWUX2MUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723534},"content":"His study plan","type":"header"},{"_id":"LRQAEZYQQFCYRLWWXTWFJN5M4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723535},"content":"Adopt an encouraging and supportive stance around study without over pressuring him. Bear in mind that ADHD and dyslexic children may respond better to creative learning strategies such as quizzes, watching relevant TV documentaries or listening to audiobooks and podcasts. In addition, ADHD children tend to be “crammers” and avoid regular study. Your son could become more motivated just before a school test and then he will accept some help to study. Take an interest in his school schedule so you can see when you might help. Also explore with your son what way he likes to learn.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5X3YW6IUNBHYHPQQWYKMC6MSAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166677},"content":"What does he like about the woodwork teacher? How come he learns better in this class?","type":"text"},{"_id":"62IZY64UQFGEDFB5CU6FKRRCNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723536},"content":"I agree that it is important not to make his video games, socialising and sports dependent on his study, as these are probably the things that are keeping him going and resourcing him. However, you could consider an additional reward (of some extra pocket money or special meal) to motivate him to put some time in close to an exam.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQWUUL2UJVE7LOICKHGXG64FU4","additional_properties":{"_id":"LJF7P433MBASPNNYS77F46HUGY"},"content":"A strengths-based approach to raising autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"MGCGEKIYEREXPCOEKFAEGBFZGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723537},"content":"Work with the school","type":"header"},{"_id":"HGAYYDM5XZATNCRVVPOQGUWWLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723538},"content":"Continue to look for support from the school and teachers. Perhaps you could meet with the resource teacher and the year head to review what might help. Perhaps the psychologist who assessed him could provide a list of recommendations for school and you could review these. Simple practical accommodations might help him such as completing a special programme for his dyslexia, movement breaks, small project work and extra reminders regarding tests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4MVCQN63PVBDTDRBQMWQQOVJYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737389166682},"content":"Outside the school you might be able to find an individual tutor who is experienced with supporting ADHD children and who could give him some one-to-one support.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NP5QKYLVP5DBDJ73OSA3OSCRPA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737364723539},"type":"list"},{"_id":"K7ISGAVDUNB4RGGBKEH5HPKLBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"CPVXOTS6JZEXDL4BG4RB34V7GA"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: ‘I’m not sure what to do with him. Should I just let him continue the way he is?’"},"display_date":"2025-01-27T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My 15-year-old son hates going to school and is not doing any homework’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"2DHVZOQFGBFJVM3ZLBAICLSNXQ","auth":{"1":"55a5c973b46a1b5312e7e09958fa40d1bdd54be43c327f8b542a4da7cbe2d60a"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/2DHVZOQFGBFJVM3ZLBAICLSNXQ.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/27/my-15-year-old-son-hates-going-to-school-and-is-not-doing-any-homework-or-study/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"KKVED3MPKVBNNOBG65HPJ2ZMVI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":138,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/04073bd0-3490-4fd0-a7a4-576e2d025399/versions/1737719063/media/e06bf0f4fab7308350e9c2dff8f9b0ba_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/24/u2s-larry-mullen-i-knew-my-son-was-dyslexic-but-i-really-didnt-understand-him/","content_elements":[{"_id":"JFIVIEGQ7VAZ5LDNF5FUVGBZ5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1737712180792},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/u2/\" target=\"_blank\">U2 </a>drummer <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/larry-mullen/\" target=\"_blank\">Larry Mullen</a> has opened up about <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenting </a>a child with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dyslexia/\" target=\"_blank\">dyslexia</a> saying that “it was difficult in the house”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AL76PXOHDJDSNCRXB6EDOPIVYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948499},"content":"Appearing on the The Kelly Clarkson Show on Wednesday in the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/world/us/\" target=\"_blank\">US</a>, Mullen bonded with the singer over their shared experience of raising a child with dyslexia.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WEIFHUBCBZACBPC76MO5G3L7DE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948500},"content":"“I knew my son was dyslexic, but I really didn’t understand him,” Mullen said of his eldest son, Aaron, who is now 29. “It was difficult in the house... I was away, coming home. He’s acting out, they’ve got the police at the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WAKSPYK7CZE5PDCFB6TZPP4JPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948502},"content":"Clarkson, whose daughter River also has dyslexia, agreed: “It’s a really hard thing being a parent, especially a parent that doesn’t have dyslexia.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HZH4ARO73JBF7LWZLD7A6F2CT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948503},"content":"“I feel like I’m failing,” said the singer. “You just try to talk to them or help them with homework or whatever, and you don’t really know what’s going on.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KSFT2YZ3RFCV5NDGIO5WHWTHTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948504},"content":"Mullen has produced and written music for Left Behind, a new film about dyslexia and the New York school system. The pair discussed the impact that the film had on Mullen, who said it “hit home” when he first watched it, and that it set into motion his “realising and recognising what I didn’t do, and what I could have done”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKK6P6KMH5FNBERMJF3WUV7LOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948505},"content":"“I’ve spent all my career avoiding talking about my family. I just don’t want to involve them,” Mullen said, “And now, here I am on your show.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PN7DGE32F5AY5NTKO44BIHMALQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948506},"content":"The musician <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/music/2024/12/13/u2s-larry-mullen-on-his-dyscalculia-and-the-bands-touring-plan/#:~:text=U2%20drummer%20Larry%20Mullen%20has%20said%20that%20counting,his%20ability%20to%20use%20and%20acquire%20mathematical%20skills.\" target=\"_blank\">recently revealed</a> that he has dyscalculia, saying that counting bars within music is like “climbing Everest” for him due to his learning difficulty which affects his ability to understand number-based information and maths.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3MEAUYPB2FDZZLS2M3PU64GOCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1737716948507},"content":"He told Times Radio in London: “I’ve always known that there’s something not particularly right with the way that I deal with numbers. I’m numerically challenged. And I realised recently that I have dyscalculia ... so I can’t add, I can’t count.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ella Sloane"}},"name":"Ella Sloane"}]},"description":{"basic":"Drummer discusses raising son with dyslexia during appearance on The Kelly Clarkson Show"},"display_date":"2025-01-24T11:39:18.036Z","headlines":{"basic":"U2′s Larry Mullen: ‘I knew my son was dyslexic, but I really didn’t understand him’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"KWWMOY35XVC4PGPDL5OGFPK7NM","auth":{"1":"9b1b1ab31ea316b0d23865562320d1e2b97aeefe2221fe9c58fa018595ed3d4c"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/KWWMOY35XVC4PGPDL5OGFPK7NM.jpg"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/24/u2s-larry-mullen-i-knew-my-son-was-dyslexic-but-i-really-didnt-understand-him/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"5OQNHWFZBFCLVAOE3AQU6LGRUI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":274,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/01678451-5fe7-4d15-873f-dc3c1beb5042/versions/1737649963/media/692086aab6b2565a9f83a7e33e71b1cc_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/23/a-survival-guide-for-parents-working-from-home-during-storm-eowyn/","content_elements":[{"_id":"47VRH2TTXVBWVIPCUPJLW2X4CY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481336},"content":"I had barely shared the angry red map of Ireland on my social media – and in every WhatsApp group I’m in (and that’s a lot of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/whatsapp/\" target=\"_blank\">WhatsApp </a>groups) – when the private messages started coming in. “What about<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2025/01/23/how-will-storm-eowyn-impact-dublin-what-to-expect-during-met-eireanns-weather-warning/\" target=\"_blank\"> the schools</a>?!” the frantic texts read. The island of Ireland comes under a<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/weather-events/\" target=\"_blank\"> red weather warning </a>on Friday, due to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/storm-eowyn/\" target=\"_blank\">Storm Éowyn</a>, and the nation’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents </a>are seriously unimpressed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6YOI65NSF5FTJJMCW53NH2LJEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481337},"content":"Perhaps it’s residual trauma from pandemic lockdowns. Or the fear of having to reset a password on the school communications app Aladdin. But a deep unease has set in across the country at the prospect of having the kids home from school on Friday. “This is ridiculous. Schools closed again,” one parent wailed. “Well, I’ve no official confirmation from our school yet,” another replied in deluded hope. But my favourite was perhaps the one that reflected the sentiment of many parents as they accepted their fate: “It would want to be some bloody wind”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"P7RD2ATH4BD4DEIZZDQ7WFDN5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481338},"content":"Indeed, it looks like it will be some bloody wind. But we can take solace from being in this together – or some slightly less triggering catchphrase. And we will get through it even as we may slowly lose our minds<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/remote-working/\" target=\"_blank\"> trying to work </a>while our feral children run, not free, but repeatedly, through the double doors between the sittingroom and the diningroom, slamming as they go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMUEIIXNNBF6LJDAVZPENTEFOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481339},"content":"Here are our essential survival tips to help you navigate parenting while you work from home during a red weather warning.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3SCJLMJ7MRCIJKXEWVMDJYWCPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481340},"content":"Let sleeping dogs lie","type":"header"},{"_id":"L5EOTB5KZNHKXPYDMGQO5XHOGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481341},"content":"The same rules apply to children. Especially those of primary school age or under. If, by some miracle, they sleep beyond their usual rising time, let them. There is a small chance their body clocks won’t have recognised the disturbance in the Force, meaning they’ll think it’s a normal school day and will be impossible to get out of bed, unlike the dawn risings of Saturdays and Sundays. Yes, their teachers may have set them work to do at home, but do those same teachers have to spend Friday listening to your children complaining and squabbling? Minimise the number of hours you have to spend listening to this too. Leave them in bed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"443PLRWSP5BPVBUQBBWGC2KNNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481342},"content":"Take no chances","type":"header"},{"_id":"QMSVGSJ4HRDY5DJKZKTY43LTDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481343},"content":"So, apparently we can’t even let them go out on the trampoline during the red weather warning. But the upside is we can’t be judged for the amount of time they spend on screens for the duration. The problem is power outages are anticipated.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XAEKPLBP65D57K5Y2JI7CPNRWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481344},"content":"A world where you’re expected to get on with your job, but your child’s tablet/hand-held games console is out of battery is just too awful for most of us to contemplate. So don’t get caught short. Download some movies. Charge every single device you own. And your portable chargers. You have no idea how desperate you might become.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RCFDK5RKMJHSXNOB5MEFDULBDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481345},"content":"Loaves and fishes","type":"header"},{"_id":"244QRE6Q7BCATPVGN5DVJPKOI4","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481346},"content":"It’s important to remember that in school, your child has both a lunch break and a little break each day, during which they likely eat very little to none of the lunch you lovingly prepared for them. Transfer that logic to the home environment and it translates into needing about 256 snacks per child on Friday. Double, if you have teenage boys. These are not insignificant quantities and if you haven’t already stocked up in anticipation, you should probably panic buy lots now. But shop smart. Consider snacks that they can prepare independently, and will go as far as possible, so that you are interrupted while you work, as few times as possible. This is a national emergency, so crisps count.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4SS3R424JREFNDZVEKFV6QQQ5A","additional_properties":{"_id":"G67IF6IPS5DDLDW7QTVODMJUCA"},"content":"10 great films to watch if you’re stuck indoors","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TZRDZAPDJJDI5CV4ZUHJJUR3YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481347},"content":"Hide all lightsabres, Nerf Guns and wands","type":"header"},{"_id":"G5IJGUINNZCAJM4JGB7AJEY5HY","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481348},"content":"Especially before online meetings. It’s cute when a child wanders into a room, all smiles, during her father’s live broadcast on the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/bbc/\" target=\"_blank\">BBC</a>. Less cute when warring siblings come in mid Zoom swearing vengeance on each other, and they’re armed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YFCWING2SNGAVE4SSHBPS6GZHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"SBSSBPEEPRBLLEZWRU542HBQDA"},"content":"Working through Storm Éowyn: Safety ‘has to prevail’ for business managers and staff","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"C7GAAQJKTZDBZPK3NWGXUHWZM4","additional_properties":{"_id":"ZRZNFGYOPZA7XKGATJO2Q3YVDI"},"content":"Ireland weather updates: Storm Éowyn red alert extended to full island of Ireland with public transport cancelled on Friday","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"WFNDQ2U4SFBBJMUAPGPLNAFGTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481349},"content":"Bribery","type":"header"},{"_id":"3KAT5KTOXJAOZAFHSIGCYFQJZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481350},"content":"The secret to good parenting. Promise to do something nice together such as play pool, football, unicorns, a board game, go to the park, recover the trampoline from your neighbour’s garden/motorway, a trip to Disneyland, whatever, if Johnny or Mary could just stop rowing/complaining/looking for food long enough to let you get some work done so your boss doesn’t think you’re taking the proverbial.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BY2GVQSP2RHS3ISO7GZEIKRLXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737655679694},"content":"And finally","type":"header"},{"_id":"Q4AGBOCCIZD5POQBTI4HFOQWQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737655679695},"content":"After a day in the work-from-home-while-the-kids are-trapped-indoors trenches it’s only right that you get to treat yourself. So, presuming you paid close attention to tip two, or still have power, why not relax and spoil yourself watching some <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/film/2025/01/07/10-great-films-to-watch-if-youre-stuck-indoors/\" target=\"_blank\">these recommended movies</a>? Or have a <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/books/2025/01/11/15-brilliant-short-books-to-get-you-back-in-the-habit-of-reading/\" target=\"_blank\">read of these short books</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6MEGQXXHPBAXPK4GP52CJ6EKKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737641481351},"content":"Godspeed.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Our six top tips to help you navigate your children at home for the day while you are remote working"},"display_date":"2025-01-23T16:27:37.782Z","headlines":{"basic":"Storm Éowyn red warning: A survival guide for parents working from home during the bad weather","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"HRGK7OHBSVBQZBCVT2HK5OYNLY","auth":{"1":"151682e68653f15c8054a2ad9cf554046c58ed4644101a7444cda823beccd387"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/HRGK7OHBSVBQZBCVT2HK5OYNLY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/23/a-survival-guide-for-parents-working-from-home-during-storm-eowyn/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"PNWYBZ2IORCSTC37DFOQBTCZRE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":284,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/f41f8cc9-df74-4552-a2de-5f6ae1afa7c8/versions/1737045991/media/4772a582f02c4fde86e5d2e17327063b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/20/ive-seen-all-sorts-of-kids-coaches-the-good-the-bad-and-the-downright-hes-lost-the-plot/","content_elements":[{"_id":"NPU4YMGCNNHUBOGHID3KI2MEGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393513},"content":"I’ve said out loud in my kitchen, a few times, that I’d like to get involved in coaching one of my kids’ teams one day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"3HBAR3PS2FHTRK5UIP32PF6PZI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"E4LZCST2LBESXFHCKKHFB6KHPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836448},"content":"Because saying it out loud is like testing the water here – either a passing child, or husband, is likely to offer a take on what you’ve just said. Or ignore it altogether and view it as just your most recent whim deserving of as much attention as that time you thought you’d go on the stepper in front of Classic EastEnders for the duration of an entire episode every day, which was going to be long enough to get your daily steps in, totally underestimating how much it would make your thighs burn. Plus, turns out it’s boring after a few minutes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7D6BHAA55ZAYFHE6CJ7HXMVQJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836449},"content":"So, now I need a new fitness regime. Anyway.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E646SJMS2JD6HHLTLJDKMOI6YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393514},"content":"This desire to get involved in coaching the kids has been around for a while. Years of being on one pitch sideline or another means I’ve seen all sorts – the good, the bad and the downright he’s-lost-the-plot coaches. And I’ve promised myself, once I no longer needed to run from one pitch or activity to another, with one or other of the kids, I will. That day has not yet come, though I explain to himself and with him already being a coach, and us having millions of kids, the juggle would be impossible I say, so it’ll have to wait a bit longer, I think.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DAS2I7LTVBSDH4PIKKFQE7MEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393515},"content":"But didn’t it only come to pass some weeks back that a message went out in one of the WhatsApp groups saying they were a bit short on coaches’ availability one particular weekend and any parental help would be much appreciated. “There’s your chance now to volunteer, Jen,” I thought before dismissing the idea out of hand and convincing myself, for no good reason, they really only meant the dads.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TAQHFULLJ5AYFJXCYZ3N36EGEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836452},"content":"Was I, the woman who is not at all shy about offering her opinion on children’s sports and the things that need to change, suddenly feeling a bit shy about helping out at coaching? It seemed I was a bit, but just because it really only ever seemed to be the dads who coached.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GHMPTXDJIVEC7D6QFXF3CNENWM","additional_properties":{"_id":"YAHLNM5BABFXFBNBGOV3YUOAWI"},"content":"Jen Hogan: It’s a pity so many adults ruin sports for children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"2FCKMVEJUJHPNB7KPA7K5TRYWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393516},"content":"Seems visibility mattered in that moment, even to this sports-loving adult. So, you can be pretty certain it matters to sports playing girls too. And as I chatted with former Munster and Ireland international Keith Earls recently, it’s something he’s conscious of, especially with three daughters.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STXSM5GFOBD5NKPCGXTTRUJREI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393517},"content":"Keith’s three daughters play GAA and soccer. Of course they do, we all might think. Sure, isn’t their dad a sporting superstar. Except he wasn’t the only driver in getting them very involved in sports. His wife, Edel, who played camogie with Limerick underage, and soccer in school, was also very keen their daughters played sports.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFR4ZUSVNZG75EQ4XDS7YTAAAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393518},"content":"Women’s sports still has a lot of catching up to do to get to where men’s sports are, Keith feels, “but when you think of all the girls that are playing sports now, you’d imagine that when they get older and they start having kids, they’re going to be sporty,” he says. Time will help, he reckons, because “girls’ sport is getting popular now and it’s getting lots of coverage, which means more girls will be into sport”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SUAOVPNINREPJKF7WJITAQWCFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393519},"content":"The time aspect is something I can see coming good in the future, here too. Because perception is everything. I couldn’t convince my daughter to have the same grá for sport I had growing up, unfortunately, but her little brothers love it and they see no difference between boys and girls playing. They’re as likely to get behind the women’s international teams as the men’s, and see no difference in playing football with their girl cousins or their boy cousins. Sport is for everyone in their eyes, and fun to play with everyone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KM7GDH3MZNGYZIHD67WU3WFPSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836457},"content":"The difference is their exposure.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QKOXKESMNCJHB6Y7AHY2BYXVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393520},"content":"My bedroom wall, growing up, was covered in posters of the Irish and Liverpool football teams – the men’s of course. Keith is conscious that his daughters need female role models. “Everyone talks about Ronaldo and Messi,” he says, “but my little girl has Katie McCabe above her bed”. She’s “a realistic goal for my daughter”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JC6QSRXO6RHM3IE5PYXJCVKPR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393521},"content":"And it matters that we have this visibility, as a recent study revealed that 43 per cent of people feel that not knowing anyone who is playing is a barrier to attending a female sports event.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ENELLHBTJCW7BJYS2WNFW4QCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736951393522},"content":"“It’s great to see female coaches as well. Some females know more than the bloody men,” Keith continued as we chatted about how to change things. He’d touched a nerve without realising.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5I5NPVJ56FB3BDZIOFKTASNP5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1737041836461},"content":"He’s right though, because we all know a woman’s place is on the sports pitch, and in the coaches’ group.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Jen Hogan: I convinced myself, for no good reason, that the request for help in a WhatsApp group was really only meant for the dads"},"display_date":"2025-01-20T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"I’ve seen all sorts of kids’ coaches – the good, the bad and the downright he’s-lost-the-plot","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"BCFJH5GVTDXOP6KIYRIOH3OOTY","auth":{"1":"37e2834528d7cb136a11ad177e14ccc431b65194d878cb88478929d4b9539e2d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/BCFJH5GVTDXOP6KIYRIOH3OOTY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/20/ive-seen-all-sorts-of-kids-coaches-the-good-the-bad-and-the-downright-hes-lost-the-plot/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"TICQKSAU5JA27EAQHVAXMHUZX4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":143,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/799e15a9-b481-4058-b887-5c92dc75f4fa/versions/1736763116/media/b259cebc2dffce1ee9be158e8f09f19f_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/have-your-say-have-childcare-costs-impacted-your-employment/","content_elements":[{"_id":"BA6A66DLTBBMPGTKTAZZY36VEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546292},"content":"The high cost of childcare and lack of capacity for children continue to cause difficulties for parents around the country, with many struggling to juggle work and family life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQZHDZP6HFDP7EWMPYCHBNVX4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291489},"content":"This morning, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/business/2025/01/13/childcare-crisis-is-forcing-employees-out-of-the-workforce-says-dublin-chamber/\" target=\"_blank\">Laura Slattery reports</a> that almost nine in 10 businesses told an outlook survey conducted by Dublin Chamber of Commerce that the childcare crisis affected their ability to attract and retain staff, with a fifth of all companies describing it as the primary barrier to doing so.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKGNMF3YQZA4TFGTKXMEA7JV4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291490},"content":"The prohibitive cost and limited availability of childcare places is among the most pressing issues for businesses in the capital, Dublin Chamber said.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YN4GVEL35FER7JRAX2JHTUG7TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546293},"content":"We’d like to hear what you think and what your experience has been. Have you had to change your work situation because of childcare difficulties? Has your employer been open to hybrid working or other arrangements to facilitate childcare? Have you decided to leave your job altogether to be a stay-at-home parent?","type":"text"},{"_id":"46675WNGERFM3KIHDI5RBSBE6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291492},"content":"According to the OECD (Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development), Ireland ranks second highest in Europe in relation to childcare costs as a share of average wages. In Dublin the cost of childcare is higher than the national average – 10 per cent higher than Cork and 50 per cent higher than Limerick.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YSVHABEKKFDMJK6VMCGMJYHCGQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736761291493},"content":"All the main political parties made pledges on childcare in advance of the general election. Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael were among the five parties to promise that they would cap childcare costs at €200 per month per child. However, as government formation talks continue, it is unclear when this might happen, while creche owners have warned that such a cap would force many childcare facilities to close.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TY5AMMGGCVC3VN4JTFPFO5HCUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546294},"content":"Are you struggling to afford childcare? Do you think a €200 per month per child cap would be enough or should the new government go further?","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMJHZ25ABJDATKB7OAJNIPPC6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546296},"content":"You can let us know what you think using the form below. Please limit your submissions to 400 words or less. Please include a phone number for verification purposes only. If you would prefer to remain anonymous, please indicate this in your submission – we will keep your name and contact details confidential.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4KL3SYQI5DJPBFRZTLAYX4EPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736758546297},"content":"We will curate a selection of submissions for an article but please note we may not publish every submission we receive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TI3UYXTHGNC5RACBJJ2R52OFUI","additional_properties":{"_id":"LLJ322YZFJH2VJBE5AT6QX4QCI"},"content":"<span class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"0774609b-867c-4825-8dd0-b9aae8beb5c0\" data-display=\"inline\"></span><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"free"},"credits":{"by":[]},"description":{"basic":"Dublin Chamber of Commerce has warned that the high cost of childcare has damaged the ability of companies to recruit staff and is driving employees, especially women, out of the workforce"},"display_date":"2025-01-13T10:06:41.78Z","headlines":{"basic":"Have your say: Have childcare costs impacted your employment?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"4GBDJAUP3VHIHDFPAGR7AAQVKI","auth":{"1":"9a586c28754b0ae62ab1b4bd622e273b81e484cf9729544772cbbf6d721b33f7"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/4GBDJAUP3VHIHDFPAGR7AAQVKI.png"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Your Money"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/have-your-say-have-childcare-costs-impacted-your-employment/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"75R2BZOARFB4FMAFLFYTWZSGBY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":318,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/1cb9b268-dc29-4c28-af23-8428ad87a829/versions/1736254836/media/f77c81801c4403e896570b3c0fb67353_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/my-17-year-old-says-the-panic-just-takes-him-over-and-sometimes-he-cant-go-into-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"7WCXBEJ3CJET7KTHDLLJJHEASU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209474},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"MKEAWIRY5FDLRP7IOKIBU7PWJA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639907},"content":"<b>My 17-year-old son is in fifth year in school and says that he feels panicked at times – to the point that he cannot go into the school building (despite getting ready and walking there).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"AOKHHV5F3FEFBOB6HVXJWKO3ME"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"QS7J6Q55FFE7XJ53SR2EQJYCCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639908},"content":"<b>Sometimes, he feels panicked when in the school and feels he has to leave. We want to support him as best as we can, but we also want him to stay in school. How do we ensure we get the balance right?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"G63FRIQC2JCMHGROV25VC2Q25A","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639909},"content":"<b>He seems to be motivated to get to school, but he is not able to say much about what makes it so hard – he just says that the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go in.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XEQEJMRF5RA6LC5UOFODZUWDKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639910},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"5375RTSB7JADFAOYAUNWBDKO24","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209475},"content":"Many teenagers find it hard to attend school and can experience intense anxiety or panic that prevents them from attending or makes them want to leave when they are there. There can be many different reasons for this and, in thinking how to help your son, it is important to build a detailed picture of what is specifically going on for him. Some children might be panicked by the demands of the course work or the social pressures in school or the sensory environment. Some might find aspects of the school routine stressful, whether this is unstructured breaktimes, moving between classes, demands to speak out in class or to sit quietly for long periods.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZN4XJ4CEMRAONHRYAJRMO6HFGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736249639912},"content":"Sit down with your son and encourage him to talk about what is going on for him. Ask him how the panic builds as he approaches the school. What thoughts go through his mind? What triggers the panic when he is in school?","type":"text"},{"_id":"2A3Y7ULFCRGL3LPZ2YBU2GBLHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209476},"content":"Many teenagers find it hard to articulate what is going on for them – they may just feel a panic and not know what is at the basis of this. These teenagers might need plenty of time and several conversations to express themselves. When talking to teens, I find it useful to provide a checklist of options to help start the conversation. For example, I might ask them to complete the sentence, “when I think of going to school, I feel ….” and ask them to rate options such as “under pressure about school work”, “the break time is stressful”, “I don’t know what to say to friends”, “the teachers don’t like me”, “it’s too exhausting”, etc. before asking them to describe their own experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5Y5LP5YFQZF6DHAPUTOFPU7UWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209477},"content":"With panic, it can be useful to help a teenager understand how it builds physically in his body. For example, you can ask them to complete the sentence “when I start to feel panic, I notice ...” with prompts such as “my palms feels sweaty”, “my heart beats faster”, “my neck feels stiff”, “my tummy feels sick,” etc. so they can understand more what is going on for them","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q6QTZGUQPRCVBOY5UIQALBTYSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209478},"content":"Finding solutions","type":"header"},{"_id":"UZ3UGHW5FFBVFML6AJ5OGXNKSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209479},"content":"When exploring things that might help, it is important to first identify what is already working. For example, you might ask: “On the days you do get to school, how do you manage the panic? What is different then?” Or you can ask what supports help him with school and what does he enjoy once he is there. It is important to negotiate with the school to agree an individual plan to help him. Schools are getting better at understanding school panic and avoidance and they might have a school counsellor or other resource and special education teachers who can help.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XSZRWGSWVGY7BHEQQFW4EXI7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261177},"content":"Depending on your son’s needs, some of the school accommodations that might help are","type":"text"},{"_id":"54PABPYNZNGJZNCLO7M734NL3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261178},"content":"1) having a pass that allows him to take a break from a class when he feels panicky","type":"text"},{"_id":"AW5SJVQALVGFTEX4AQ5UXA6NLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261179},"content":"2) having a place in the school for a break, such as the library, a prayer room or a counsellor’s office","type":"text"},{"_id":"FUQ5A755VNFLNANTYX5FJKCPTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261180},"content":"3) identifying a person in the school he can meet for support","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDHJ5BHKIRGDBIO37BD2GMHNCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261181},"content":"4) being allowed to arrive late (with notice) and having a reduced schedule if a full day is too stressful.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HNIO6HLVKFAYTMFWKRPP4ZWYQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736254261182},"content":"The ideal is to negotiate a plan for your son with the year head and support staff so that it can be reviewed regularly to check it is working.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BDW4UDP2QJHYJBLN3SN2NWCQWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209480},"content":"Whatever plan is agreed needs to be negotiated carefully with your son and all “what ifs” explored with him so he is on board. For example, many teenagers on special attendance plans feel embarrassed about what to say to peers (and as result may avoid school altogether). In these instances it is important to rehearse with your son about how he will explain this to classmates. Rather than going into too many details a simple story such as “sometimes I feel sick and need to take a break” or “I have lots of medical appointments outside school” can be sufficient.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JHC6DEQR3JBWTKWYNRHBAA7ANU","additional_properties":{"_id":"6FQKOMEJAVAZDPEIKHHNX4KPBQ"},"content":"‘The level of anxiety we’re facing in schools is unprecedented’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IPRJDJF3GRDOVG3DBNXJWI26EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209481},"content":"Planning for alternatives","type":"header"},{"_id":"ADEZ4OB3RZG6LIDV5GSILM2FVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209482},"content":"Whereas some children feel better when they overcome their panic and attend school, some simply find the school environment inherently stressful and continuing to attend can wear them out or place them on the road to burnout. In these instances it can be better to plan a reduced schedule or some time off and/or look at alternatives. At 17, it could be that your son might study better at home for some subjects or with support from an individual tutor or an online class. While there might be a lot of pressure to attend school for the full day, it may work better for your son to have a reduced schedule and to plan other parallel options that work better for him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XIOQNLYR6JDN7MBFOYTTCUIORY","additional_properties":{"_id":"2BOQEEVI5JHHNDNJQJSPYN6Z2I"},"content":"‘We felt like failures. It broke us’: When your child stops attending school out of fear","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"UJCMERBPXZEGPA7RVQMPYEDR7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209483},"content":"For more support, there are some good parent Facebook groups such as School Related Anxiety and Attendance Difficulties in Ireland and Not Fine in School in the UK, as well as some useful <a href=\"https://www.cypsc.ie/resources/emotionally-based-school-avoidance-school-refusal-resources.3635.html\">resource packs for parents and teachers</a> published by <a href=\"http://cypsc.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">cypsc.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XRT73I4WRFF4LFK6CHR2ZNUOCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736180209484},"type":"list"},{"_id":"GV4Y2OHHT5FQ7NXSRUJBUHSTXI","additional_properties":{"_id":"AXXUGL7HKVDQJDX5QOG5W2VP7U"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"We want to support him as best as we can, but we also want him to stay in school"},"display_date":"2025-01-13T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My 17-year-old says the panic just takes him over and sometimes he can’t go into school’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"XZAEDS5A6RFX5GLMHGENSL4EJY","auth":{"1":"53102f938365aabc14eaccd4cfb632e1a0e2fb3b0f2316bc7f19d1b473445962"},"focal_point":{"x":1378,"y":665},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/XZAEDS5A6RFX5GLMHGENSL4EJY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/13/my-17-year-old-says-the-panic-just-takes-him-over-and-sometimes-he-cant-go-into-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"P44VXZIK3FBEBGWOZACKBYVVPA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":162,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/2cad8bb8-2297-4d77-bc46-f6ee7b556d52/versions/1736509368/media/da2024d104366730ba435b8809b44f0b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/10/have-your-say-are-hot-school-meals-too-ultra-processed-or-a-nutritious-boost-for-children/","content_elements":[{"_id":"JWF66C3NVZD5PEIOOIQNXEEBPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770495},"content":"Do your children avail of the hot school meals scheme or will their school be added in this year’s expansion? What is your experience of it?","type":"text"},{"_id":"FSDQPKBZ5BFRLKVP4RBAFFFZUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770496},"content":"Is it a move towards stamping out food poverty or does it mean children get used to eating ultra-processed foods? Are you happy with the food offered in your child’s school?","type":"text"},{"_id":"3EXMCSPDEVB2FGTT43AQZHBJP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770497},"content":"There was strong engagement on an<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/2025/01/09/hot-school-meals-scheme-a-progressive-government-policy-set-to-put-childrens-health-at-risk/\" target=\"_blank\"> interview on the topic with UCC food policy lecturer Ruth Hegarty this week</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PACKINCC7FGXBAHMRBX7PSLNDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770498},"content":"She says much of the food being delivered through the scheme is loaded with ultra-processed foods (UPFs), now known to cause a range of serious and life-threatening diseases.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6BPORG552ZFLBMSMABQIE2HWSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770499},"content":"“One of the meals I looked at was chicken curry and rice. There were around 75 ingredients. These include processing aids and additives like sodium citrate, dextrose, xylitol, maltodextrin and modified starch,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LBJJ3ON7YVBVDBFAXIYF3TIFZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770500},"content":"“What’s really terrifying is that we are now institutionalising consumption of ultra-processed foods. With the roll-out of this scheme to every primary school.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L5BURMVQTFHRFCA4TT532RBIZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770501},"content":"“There is a nutrition standard for hot school meals provided by the Government, but there is no oversight of this. Tendering is left to the free market, and schools are expected to ensure the standard is met,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XK3WYD2BXJFH3LLU5LHSCU6G3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770502},"content":"Are you concerned that the scheme could see children eating more ultra-processed foods? Or are you delighted to see them getting a nutritious hot school meal? Do you have concerns about the implementation of the scheme? Or do you think parents should be grateful to get it? Or are you a teacher, what is the impact in school? ·We’d like to hear what you think.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKONKEXFYFACBCOWJ6X72MQVZE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770503},"content":"In <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/budget/\">Budget 2025</a> the<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/education/2024/10/03/chicken-curry-is-very-popular-what-to-expect-on-school-menus-as-free-scheme-is-extended/\" target=\"_blank\"> Government announced there would be an extension of the free hot school meals programme</a> to include all 3,000-plus primary schools from this year, up from the current 2,200 that are eligible for the scheme.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBJKIUXPXZFXPEYBLXQGJD2JM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1736508770504},"content":"The aim of the scheme is to “provide regular, nutritious food to children to support them in taking full advantage of the education provided to them”, according to the Minister for Social Protection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMJHZ25ABJDATKB7OAJNIPPC6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1736507843832},"content":"You can let us know what you think using the form below. Please limit your submissions to 400 words or less. Please include a phone number for verification purposes only. If you would prefer to remain anonymous, please indicate this in your submission – we will keep your name and contact details confidential.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R4KL3SYQI5DJPBFRZTLAYX4EPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1736507843833},"content":"We will curate a selection of submissions for an article but please note we may not publish every submission we receive.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLX75YAM4BANTFMRXNGTPWTCFM","additional_properties":{"_id":"SONJQV3R6BBNJNAL5T6IBZQYHI"},"content":"<span class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"0ff8f6c5-9328-46b5-9887-5f9534145207\" data-display=\"inline\"></span><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"free"},"credits":{"by":[]},"description":{"basic":"Ruth Hegarty says much of the food being delivered through the scheme is loaded with ultra-processed foods (UPFs)"},"display_date":"2025-01-10T11:37:41.45Z","headlines":{"basic":"Have your say: Are hot school meals too ultra-processed or a nutritious boost for children? ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"2G7QA5M7QNCTXNADCPYYI6M7IM","auth":{"1":"e1bb406e20635dcc3880b83b96d79b5bbd5a0182a6e14d50080273119c1f6f34"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/2G7QA5M7QNCTXNADCPYYI6M7IM.png"}},"subtype":"default","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Ireland"},{"name":"Education"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/10/have-your-say-are-hot-school-meals-too-ultra-processed-or-a-nutritious-boost-for-children/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"5HW3HG65LVEXNCXSELQCWWJBUA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":457,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/657e10dc-87bd-44fc-a6e8-aa3696e8f318/versions/1736250326/media/8f61edb9897793587110a66d47982f54_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/08/be-selfish-in-the-bedroom-sex-therapists-on-how-to-reboot-your-love-life/","content_elements":[{"_id":"HTR3AXYGJZAJ3AC5ZCWW52NF3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005009},"content":"Traditional<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/new-year/\" target=\"_blank\"> new year’s</a> <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/health-month/\" target=\"_blank\">health </a>resolutions can feel punishing: eat better, drink less, hit the gym. Worthy goals ... but also, kind of a drag.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"IOZXE5JVZVHNPPCXTIJWP7CNNQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"DO2IA7KEQNFKPEIUBXGF2RFTJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1736515043670},"content":"The good news? Relationships have a big effect on health and happiness, too. So in 2025, why not focus on a different <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/\" target=\"_blank\">wellness </a>goal: give your romantic life a little TLC.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BWTDD6Q6DJDQFJSFYMC2TYOQCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005011},"content":"We asked couples counsellors, sex therapists and relationship researchers a simple question: what is one resolution you recommend for couples looking to experience greater connection and intimacy in the coming year?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MESMU4QB5RFSJNEH4QMHAA6PRU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005012},"content":"1. Cultivate curiosity","type":"header"},{"_id":"CGP2Q65ED5BALMNZGPSVPXAA2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005013},"content":"Approaching your partner with a sense of curiosity can help you learn new things about who they are – and open up conversations you’ve never had before – even if you’ve been together for years, says Justin Garcia, executive director at the Kinsey Institute, the sexuality and relationships research centre at Indiana University in the US.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D3UNO6RQNFDQ5HMYXL4MCZ2TZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005014},"content":"“Curiosity is a powerful, powerful tonic – that we should all invest in more,” Garcia says. It sends an irresistible message: I am interested in you.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFZ4XZLNKJEGDJS4IT7ELQZ42M","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005015},"content":"One simple way to foster a more curious mindset within your relationship is to ask your partner something new every week or so, he suggests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HIQ6L5TVFRF6FLQJ3VHAALE7WQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005016},"content":"The question could be a deep and revealing one about their past or an intimate fantasy. Or it might be something totally mundane: Garcia’s wife recently asked why he dislikes mushrooms, which led to a conversation about his childhood. Afterward, they tried cooking new recipes together, and he discovered he actually likes morels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2SZ43F4Z45EV7DHJ22JMCVRPUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005017},"content":"Your partner may not reciprocate your curiosity at first, but try not to keep score (which is another good relationship resolution), Garcia says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2KZ6NH2HZE63BJE3JLZ4VUT6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005018},"content":"2. Make bids for connection","type":"header"},{"_id":"YFD2TOCOEBHC5GYOEIM7LJLYZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005019},"content":"A bid for connection – a term coined by marriage researchers Jon and Julie Gottman – is basically anything a person does to try to engage with their partner, explains Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist who has trained in the Gottman method.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JWCTRA2QZJHHZJAQROCMISON5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005020},"content":"Bids tend to fall into a few different categories, she says: the obvious “play with me, spend time with me”-type bids (like when a partner asks to cuddle). There are also “information-sharing bids” (maybe your partner mentions an interesting article or warns you there is traffic before you commute to work). And then there are requests for help or comfort.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3N5FIW4CSNBV5FBOY4423ITP2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005021},"content":"“Crying is even a bid if you do it in front of somebody,” Earnshaw says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IVGLOCDNMZD7JGVSNTJNNLSM54","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005022},"content":"In the healthiest relationships, partners make and acknowledge each other’s bids often, Earnshaw explains.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7IMSVOOGUBDG7GKOJQSOPURHHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005023},"content":"Your goal for the new year? Reach out to your partner more often than you did in 2024, or respond to your partner’s bids for connection more positively than you did last year, she recommends.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4XZWUQHUOVGKHAPMMBD3NHXD34","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005024},"content":"And what if your bids are constantly ignored or rejected? “You take this information from your partner, and decide what to do with it,” Earnshaw says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3OFDJEEA5VA3HHRBG56JFA6SHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005025},"content":"3. Be selfish in the bedroom","type":"header"},{"_id":"WD5UBENVEJAIXJY6V6T3VJHBBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005026},"content":"Yes, really.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GHFRR56JQNDWFIPQVGDR6OHGGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005027},"content":"“What’s in it for you?” Lori Brotto often asks clients with sex and intimacy issues at her counselling practice. Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia, likes to dig in: what do you get out of being intimate, or what would you like to get? Do you want sex to feel fun? Relaxing? What emotions or physical sensations might you enjoy? she asks clients.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OD65WEMKBFGO5J2K5YCKZNVNLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005028},"content":"In Brotto’s experience, people can get too caught up in what they think they should (or should not) want in bed, based on societal messages or because they are overly focused on their partner. That makes it challenging to show up in an “authentic way” during intimacy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKO2WTCEWJB5ZHLWYYDTJRN2YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005029},"content":"You can’t communicate your desires and needs if you haven’t spent any time understanding what they are, Brotto says. So go ahead: “Be a little bit more selfish.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YLLMVA3MKNA3XIN34WUGDRL27Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005030},"content":"4. Let go of the idea that there is a ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to have sex","type":"header"},{"_id":"HNSGXEFUL5A7ZMQGU2BDG4U6P4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005031},"content":"“There is no ‘normal’ sex,” says Lexx Brown-James, president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counsellors and Therapists. Brown-James likes to compare sex to pizza: you get to decide the toppings. You get to decide how many slices you want. For instance, “foreplay can be sex”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDMCMUI3UFFQFGFD6ZWFFX5RYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005032},"content":"Candice Nicole Hargons, an associate professor in behavioural, social and health education sciences at Emory University, recommends an even more specific resolution: in 2025, “prioritise sex that isn’t penetrative”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BJ4IVP545JGSVNTH7PWL6MIF3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005033},"content":"Why? For one, most women require some form of clitoral stimulation to orgasm, Hargons says. (She notes that non-penetrative sex is the norm in many queer relationships). Also, mixing things up brings a sense of novelty, she adds.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DWML6XWWNZEDVHX74L7CYBDKIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005034},"content":"“You don’t say it as, ‘Let’s not have this type of sex,’” she explains. “It’s: ‘Let’s add this.’”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZP3ZRHSNVE5VDMIOEGKQYP3AQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005035},"content":"Of course, talking about sex can be difficult. Hargons recommends a good conversation starter: “I’d love to have more variety in our sex life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"K3XGA4P72ZHO3MZNPM7AGQSDHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005036},"content":"5. Commit to joy","type":"header"},{"_id":"RITXBNXDXREJ5AEBHSFMAJUHNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005037},"content":"In long-term relationships, it is easy to lose sight of the importance of finding moments for connection and fun, says Howard Markman, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5MN6Z32TLNDORC4NDINZ2C62IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005038},"content":"Stumped about where to start? Once a month or so, sit down with your partner and jot down three things each of you would like to do together, he recommends. Attend a sporting event? Institute a movie night? Tackle a creative project? Then swap lists. Take one item from your partner’s list (and vice versa) and commit to helping make it happen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KAK3AX356NCIJJAF7EC74U3XGM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005039},"content":"“You’re taking coequal responsibility for planning this activity that is going to enhance the fun, the friendship, the sensuality – all the positive connections,” Markman says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EZO3AHJAWNCHBFLADRPNM26XNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005040},"content":"6. Don’t let resentments fester","type":"header"},{"_id":"3P2XJ26PPVH2HHXLGNOX77747U","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005041},"content":"One of the paradoxes of “vibrant relationships” is that you have to be willing to rock the boat, says Terrence Real, a family therapist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GY4THLVG2BAKTOMZNZWIYDYUL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005042},"content":"So, bringing up resentments or gripes, even if it starts a fight, can be healthy. Another way to put it, he says: “Dare to take each other on.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VBALBBSZFRHRJMQXKJPJZPY424","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005043},"content":"When partners stop fighting for their deepest needs, “passion is the first casualty”, Real warns. “Resentment grows. Sexuality and generosity decrease.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3BBDDRCECVHOBHGXOSCIMN4XVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005044},"content":"He acknowledges that this resolution requires strong communication skills. It is generally more effective to request a change, rather than to complain about what you don’t like, Real says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MF7BGT5FSZFFHKYJKFDEDKSQJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735892005045},"content":"If your bids for communication fail, he adds, don’t give up: “Drag your partner to therapy and find an active therapist who isn’t afraid to back you up.” – This article originally appeared in <a href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/01/well/family/relationship-advice-resolutions-2025-new-year.html\">the New York Times</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"name":"Catherine Pearson"}]},"description":{"basic":"Six relationship resolutions for the new year from couples counsellors, sex therapists and relationship researchers"},"display_date":"2025-01-08T05:14:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Be selfish in the bedroom: sex therapists on how to reboot your love life","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GCDC746EPNF6PN4LMGF32NQULU","auth":{"1":"0f1888d44c6ef1c39b0d58e8a7fe5a1eca5c27d9c7ba907e254d0e7698df779c"},"focal_point":{"x":1815,"y":765},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GCDC746EPNF6PN4LMGF32NQULU.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Your Wellness"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/08/be-selfish-in-the-bedroom-sex-therapists-on-how-to-reboot-your-love-life/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"2IIVU5KTUNDXDH7D5ZYZQRQBKE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":314,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d9ce9ed4-ba69-4b3c-9a20-a76519f05d26/versions/1732025856/media/e2b6aae3dfbc8ddbeaab27bdc5fc28c8_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/06/here-i-am-a-grown-adult-who-struggles-to-keep-my-tears-at-bay/","content_elements":[{"_id":"WQBDI4ZRQVF5FM5BLXOWMSMZZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574341},"content":"I’m a crier. I always have been. <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">Since birth</a>, apparently. My father delights in telling me the story of one particular time when I was in hospital as a baby. “Even the nuns wanted to hand you back,” he says gleefully, teasing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"6OBUK4OHVZHEPLUVPBCOR474QA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"AD6ASHQBPJDZ3FJFULMK7JV2XE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118936},"content":"“Morning, noon and night you cried, Jennifer.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFTGVXAAORAJBGIRPKQPQBOVDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118937},"content":"In case I was in any doubt.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KJAG6PVJZFVJHHPFTYFT5LMNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118938},"content":"And I really shouldn’t be. Because I have aunts who’ll back up the tales of my tearful tendencies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DO66G2C7XJFQPONEU4EXWK5K4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574342},"content":"I’ll be honest, I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with this information. I’ve little recollection of the hospital occasion in question, on account of only being a few months old at the time. So, I can’t even be sure what was bothering me to justify my stance. And I feel I should probably be excused because of my tender lack of years. But I think a tear-filled infancy may have left lasting scars on my parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SRGJHHKIRNFAVNZDBNOMHDB4YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574343},"content":"You know, the kind that you might acquire when you’re the parent of teenagers. And you find yourself looking at them, during one of those particularly head-melting moments, silently thinking, “I cannot wait until you’re parenting a version of yourself, Bucko. I am so going to enjoy that.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YYV4FZLRTVCRLI7X64SXPWA43Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118941},"content":"But this too shall pass we’re told.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XA67QMSNHNABRKOCIVGMFN3YVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574344},"content":"Still, I wouldn’t like to claim that my parents enjoyed it when I gave birth to seven non-sleepers. Though, “they take after their mother”, may have been pointed out through muffled laughter — repeatedly. But maybe, just maybe, it momentarily crossed their minds that it was good I was getting some insight into what it was like to try to be a functioning adult in society, on little to no sleep. The sort of insight I may have, in turn, helped give them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PZGD7D4NVBAPJIGMRXOR2LPGUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574345},"content":"Anyway, here I am now, a fully grown sleep-resisting, or at least sleep-resenting adult — because really, needing to sleep is an incredibly boring inconvenience. It turns out, you don’t completely outgrow everything.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HCACO77Z5NHKDC5AMBZWEFOROM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574346},"content":"And look, it’s even a helpful attribute on occasion, in this crazy, busy, life, allowing me to get work, laundry and telly watching done, says she trying to block out all the well-documented health advice about the danger of lack of zzzzs. I should clarify, it’s not that I can’t sleep, it’s that I don’t want to sleep. Because it gets in the way of my life. And do you know, I’m fairly sure this is the same attitude that five-year-old me had too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKSQU37K3BBHPETIDXCW26OH24","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574347},"content":"But crying, well now that’s a different one. Here I am, a grown adult, who struggles to keep my tears at bay. And I’m certain it’s become worse with motherhood. “It’s your hormones”, everyone told me as I sat there with a big, pregnant belly, sobbing at TV adverts, songs, and a scene from McCoys in Fair City.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4INN7XZU7RGQVLZM2JMBRO5DBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118946},"content":"But reader it was not my hormones, for baby after baby vacated my uterus, and still I leave the room when that scene with Mufasa in the Lion King comes on. I have spent far longer than is probably considered normal, dwelling on the familial trauma inflicted on Simba. You know, after the animators decided to stop drawing his dad.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TBC2WWWYGZDDPMSIDDKBJLEVC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574348},"content":"I can’t bear to see other people crying. I am she who joins in. I cry at the television. I cry at the news. I cry because of a story I’m covering.","type":"text"},{"_id":"456SOMJUG5GHLHTKKDKAK7IADQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118948},"content":"I cry because I remember that I didn’t make one of my son’s Christmas concerts eight years ago (oh God! Here I go again). I cry at the funerals of people I never knew. It is mortifying.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GKHFSKZ6QZFHZOUJCUQAMTADVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118949},"content":"Even the sound of a baby or small child crying if I’m out doing the weekly shop is enough to set me off. I have found myself on occasion, grip on the trolley handle growing tighter, willing their mum or dad to immediately abandon whatever they’re doing and see to their little one internally murmuring, “please pick up your baby. Please pick up your baby” in a kind of retail meditation if you will. Some grounding exercises in the cereal aisle.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPU5LSHM3FEB5DJHA3IH6GEGTI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118950},"content":"Because it’s far less socially acceptable for me to be bawling buying Rice Krispies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWFANDW5DVENHL6JNSY6MOZIQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574349},"content":"It’s a standing joke here. “Mum are you crying at a cartoon?” ask little voices, amused but following up with a reassuring hug or arm pat, all the same. As a child, I loved Laurel and Hardy movies but then sometimes I’d cry because it was sad they were dead. Still, I stick to comedies for entertainment viewing mostly here because as a general rule, they’re less upsetting than children’s films.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QU5N6YN4LJE2BIDPEPZSGPH57Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731942574350},"content":"I haven’t found a way to keep the tears in check. Or even a particular positive to them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6CS6RYP2BBGZ7F46TQLU7ZFMJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118953},"content":"“Mum really feels things”, the children reckon.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E6BI62WWN5FOXJZEWJCGMZBV2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1732020118954},"content":"But maybe I’ll outgrow it, yet.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Jen Hogan: No way to keep the tears in check but maybe I’ll outgrow it, yet"},"display_date":"2025-01-06T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Here I am, a grown adult, who struggles to keep my tears at bay’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"S7V73736CBBH7LMR6OEL5LS254","auth":{"1":"b1b03b8ad2ad8e2fa9e5867106fc2ee78751e036c0cea78ae5535bb470c47543"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/S7V73736CBBH7LMR6OEL5LS254.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/06/here-i-am-a-grown-adult-who-struggles-to-keep-my-tears-at-bay/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"7G6PJRSPYNFF5JPQ3PDZL5VSFA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":532,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/0854d827-1794-4b11-ba49-d77a7cdf101c/versions/1734001914/media/423f69d86687a9d552f8583950dc15c7_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/02/regretting-being-a-stay-at-home-parent-youre-sitting-at-home-doing-housework-and-youre-bored-out-of-your-tree/","content_elements":[{"_id":"7TOUGJTGCNC2LNIM7LN5I6VP7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192874},"content":"Deciding to return to work after having a baby is a very personal choice, often significantly influenced by a family’s financial situation. “We can have it all,” women were told, without it being clarified that this really means: “You can do it all.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QSEAMPJTI5GAVJOLKJASS35OTQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"7V4LGWTNOFEJ5DKHXFSN7BHZCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192875},"content":"In the days of the endless juggle, and all the stresses and pressures that go with it, it’s not unusual for stay-at-home <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> to be told how lucky they are that they can actually afford to stay at home. Because after all, who wouldn’t want to spend more time with their children?","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HER57ZGRJCF3CVE54FTIEK72Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192876},"content":"But what about if you don’t like being at home? What if you find it boring and unfulfilling, and you even regret your choice to stay at home with your children?","type":"text"},{"_id":"NJW7Q3ON7NBZNNY3ZO2VV6HFJU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079932},"content":"It’s not an easy thing to admit. Claire has been a stay-at-home parent for 14 years. She has four children. She finds it very lonely now that her youngest is 10 years old. “There are some days that I drop them to school, and you wouldn’t see anyone again until you go back down to the school. It can be very, very lonely at home,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AHKK5OMNCBDLRNADDXEVMEY2HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079934},"content":"Over the years, she has had plenty of people tell her she’s “so lucky”, without ever appreciating how hard it is and the financial sacrifice involved too. “I would get, ‘sure it’s well for you now to be at home all day’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y2HMHMUD45FSHK6URSWK76XXC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192879},"content":"“Mine have never been on an aeroplane,” Claire says, due to the financial burden of being a stay-at-home parent. Whereas her friend, who works outside the home, “can go off on a whim wherever she wants”. One of Claire’s children has additional needs. With her child’s appointments, a return to work just wouldn’t be possible, she says. “For my own <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\">mental health</a> I would like to do something, just to get out of the house. I would spend time scrolling on my phone out of complete boredom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CUZPL3PUMBEPJCAVYZBVBDXV5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079936},"content":"There’s another side to it too, Claire says. “If you’re at home, and your parents are getting elderly, it falls to the one that’s at home.” She feels the care of her parents would have been shared more equally between her and her siblings, if she wasn’t at home full-time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"XOTKNYRRWNFF3DR4NEYXNVVJNE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"4MWXTM3TEFB5TO4YI5CMPWBNA4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192881},"content":"Claire feels we’ve romanticised the stay-at-home parent role. “There are sacrifices.” And her children don’t really realise how lucky they are that she can bring them to activities, and to and from school each day, she feels. Claire thinks society views stay-at-home parents as “lazy”. She says being at home for so long has chipped away at her confidence.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6QRD2OTP2VDIJO56I35TETMVAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192882},"content":"Emma is a mother to five children. She had a senior role at work and becoming a stay-at-home parent was never part of her life plan. But an unexpected <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/pregnancy/\" target=\"_blank\">pregnancy </a>changed things. She became a stay-at-home parent with the intention of returning to work when her youngest child started school. When he received an <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autism</a> diagnosis, things changed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HUK7HLWSQ5CO3CSXZGFXNUERQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192883},"content":"“That was a rollercoaster emotionally,” she says. “This is a bit taboo, but I mourned for the child I thought I was going to have. And people, I find, aren’t really allowed to say that – you have to celebrate disability, but actually it was a big, big, earth-shattering time, for us as parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4UHQLVRTDNBD5MS4YG2AMBRH4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192884},"content":"Her son’s diagnosis meant Emma felt she couldn’t return to work. “The choice was taken from me. There was such an amount of appointments. And so much advocacy that had to be done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4EC4KM7D2FEA3GIJ7LT6ACMJ6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192885},"content":"As the years have passed, Emma is finding being a stay-at-home parent more difficult to bear. “I have a huge amount of experience. I have a huge amount of energy, and I’m sitting at home.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SR5I7AWYKVFVZA4ZXO4XM44HUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079942},"content":"She says there’s a feeling of being “trapped, and a little bit worthless and invisible. The education that I have. The career that I had. And you’re sitting at home doing housework and you’re bored out of your tree.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TDXQGLWRGRE3ROKFBPWCZW5C2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192886},"content":"There are also the financial impacts of becoming a stay-at-home parent. “We’re barely surviving,” she says. “We’re sustaining a family of seven on one wage. You’re saving and scrimping every way that you possibly can and saying ‘no’ a lot to your children because you have to.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JUURNKFBBFC77BMJKMXRBAKCXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192887},"content":"Emma would really like to return to work. She has come up against a lot of judgment and discouraging remarks. “People say, ‘aren’t you well off to be able to stay at home’, but then when you say to them, ‘I’m actually looking for work, the attitude of people ... the kind of things I get are, ‘oh God. How are you going to be able to cope with that? Who are you going to get to mind your child? Will he be okay?” Much of it, Emma says, comes from women. You can’t really talk about the “bitterness”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BRXIUEPGAVCXHEGL63ZK5NWQGE","additional_properties":{"_id":"FJAT3HRKIVDQXGIGDF6UEWPBOQ"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"CEEYCV3AGBDRRNQGKFCZ3FSLNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192888},"content":"Maria has four children. Becoming a stay-at-home mother “wasn’t a choice” she says, but when she gave birth to twins, childcare costs took the option of working off the table. Childcare “would have been more than I was making”, she explains.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BMEKQNSFFNHKHG4ZPINLCFU4OU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192889},"content":"There was also the fear of losing State benefits supports, such as medical cards, and having her rent costs increased. “If I could go back to work, I would.” Maria’s partner works long hours and some of her children have additional needs, all of which adds to her difficulties around a return to the workforce.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XKXJAIDNQZFXPJPS2C22RNUQDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192890},"content":"Maria hates when people say how lucky she is to be able to stay at home with her children. “It’s lonely,” she says. She has returned to counselling in recent times. “I’ve been talking to my therapist about how much of myself I’ve lost. I’ve had so many anxious dreams about what would I do if I didn’t have to look after the kids. If they weren’t here, who am I outside of motherhood? And the answer is, I don’t know any more.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DGWEKB2HSRFFHATXGYFME2QYBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192891},"content":"Parenthood has become all consuming for her. Maria says she can’t remember the last time she “did something for me”. She finds the mental load crippling “and then you’re constantly doubting yourself, because who are you outside of somebody’s mother? Because I’m at home all the time ... it almost feels like I haven’t gone out and done a hard day’s work. I know I have, I never turn off.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KYYCSNVR7RGWVMS7CGTQWDHMFQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192893},"content":"She believes we “massively” romanticise the idea of being a stay-at-home parent. “I think, by the time the kids are in school, I will be so out of the loop that I will have to completely retrain.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDPEAA23GVG5JPYZHLONVD3WZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192894},"content":"Becoming a stay-at-home parent, with all that it entails, is enough to make Maria recommend not having children to her friends, so they don’t end up in the same situation, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6LKCSFFYRFDONLNEVQGWYUUCPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079951},"content":"“There’s huge societal pressure and expectations on parents, in particular mothers,” says psychotherapist Cara Byrne, adding those who have regrets about being stay-at-home parents shouldn’t feel guilty for these feelings. “Speaking about how you were experiencing your life doesn’t ever require an apology.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X2W3XUJJ2RCLFJQBMEQQ3XVBRU","additional_properties":{"_id":"YTSMNIWLSFE5TIL274UC7Q5OO4"},"content":"‘There are times I regret having kids. They’re adults, and it’s now that I’m regretting it, which seems strange’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"QA3M4W3VCVB3DGGHGJ7NZ57QSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079952},"content":"It is far more common than most people realise to experience parenting as a “very isolating, monotonous and emotionally draining experience. If you feel like you’re trapped in the position of stay-at-home parent because childcare costs are incredibly high, or you have a child with special needs, it’s completely understandable that you may regret being put in that position.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QL6KU5CHYFBPZH477ZULRVYGQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192896},"content":"“Being a stay-at-home parent often removes most of the things that we previously identified with; our career, social life and hobbies often get pushed to the side due to the demanding nature of being on call 24/7. Resentment builds when our needs aren’t met, so it’s important to state those needs and find support in meeting them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OD7ORLUHURDUXN2QI4MFZFOU24","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079954},"content":"Byrne recommends “talking to other parents either online or through parents’ groups, book clubs, fitness classes or walking groups”. This, she says “will allow you to engage with people who understand what you’re going through”, and in turn “combat the loneliness and help you rebuild your confidence in who you are outside of parenting”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKJTA7KZ3JDDBNLRWJIS4HBZ7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1733930192898},"content":"“Most importantly, though, seek support if it all feels too much and trust that that’s completely normal, you’re not alone, you’re not broken, you’re not failing. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re just trying to find your feet in an environment that’s exceptionally challenging.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFMBIOB63ZBPLDOKN25BIAM66A","additional_properties":{"_id":"M5D62OTCKJBJ3JGBJIZKNS2X3Y"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"FU7JD7YAW5CR3AEO2PFLTHWJFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733994079957},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"4A2XJE4O75GMLJRRMEO5TMBSMQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting Taboos: Admitting that you feel bored, unfulfilled, or even regret your choice to stay at home with your children is difficult but not uncommon"},"display_date":"2025-01-02T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Regretting being a stay-at-home parent: ‘You’re sitting at home doing housework and you’re bored out of your tree’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GKMCLQ7HCJDZJGVY44DYSCBZG4","auth":{"1":"a16d0741009cb0a38d8ca8407ad7153ade67d74723667bc52fa94d7c8d27d60b"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GKMCLQ7HCJDZJGVY44DYSCBZG4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2025/01/02/regretting-being-a-stay-at-home-parent-youre-sitting-at-home-doing-housework-and-youre-bored-out-of-your-tree/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"SKZ3UO7OFRADDKB4OSOJGBV624","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":434,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-cdn-b7fyckdeejejb6dj.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/cc0f3da1-bccf-4306-919f-cee5baa27666/versions/1735557028/media/e484b8ed398598dc7d5445933307121b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/life-style/people/2024/12/30/youre-the-best-brother-a-sister-could-ever-hope-for-my-sister-was-dying-of-cancer-a-christmas-gift-helped-me-process-it/","content_elements":[{"_id":"C6QYNBBRRFCM5OWJP7MINKDUPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648690},"content":"Three years ago, my sister asked me what type of tree I wanted as a <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/\" target=\"_blank\">Christmas</a> present. This wasn’t a simple question, like “What kind of sweater: V-neck or crew?” Julie was dying and wanted to give me a living gift to remember her by.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMIBUCNALJG4LDDEPBSLLFRVJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648691},"content":"I thought about it for several days, eventually texting back: “A Japanese maple because I love its lacy leaves and the way they come to life in the fall, turning from green to a brilliant red, as though on fire.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBGM6DWPTFBP5PI4ZU55RFYFKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648692},"content":"“Like you, sister,” I added. She had also lived a life on fire.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D4WPXA6FNFDCFDOW25MZIS4DEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648693},"content":"Compared with Julie, an amateur <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/life-style/gardening/\" target=\"_blank\">gardener</a>, and my brother Jay, a landscape designer, I’d come up short when it came to anything resembling horticulture. When we were children, our mother planted a maple in our backyard. It proved resilient under the weight of snow or ice, with a propensity to bend rather than break. I liked these attributes, and the metaphor, especially in light of Julie’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cancer/\" target=\"_blank\">cancer </a>prognosis. I hoped my new maple might help me to become flexible rather than broken in the months to come.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WBCVFHZHTVCZ7GTZ3DI3JPTSVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648694},"content":"A few weeks after our text exchange, I arrived home to find my sister’s gift: a tree on my front porch, just 2½ feet tall, roots wrapped carefully in burlap. She’d also included one of those pop-up cards. When I opened it, a crimson Japanese maple unfurled in all its glory.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCTDQFQ3S5HPTIUCCXPGGXFJ3Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648695},"content":"In her familiar scrawl, my sister had written:","type":"text"},{"_id":"NL3DXLMJOVGLPGTVWRSYQTBD5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648696},"content":"<i>Dear Steven</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"PRQGTNIKWRCXFG2M5FVV3NUHV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648697},"content":"<i>I hope the red maple tree gives you years of beauty and happiness.</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"IA2WBH2URFBZVJXUKIF4TOJ56E","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648698},"content":"<i>Whenever you look at this tree, think of me smiling back at you and saying “I love you!”</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"LZLXEWYE7JABHBH4F2MUPJDMPQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648699},"content":"<i>You are the best #1 brother a kid sister could ever hope for. You’ve loved me, supported me and stood by me all the time. I am forever grateful that you are my brother.</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"I64N5QTQEZDAZC74YMUDGNMI54","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648700},"content":"<i>Love,</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZYVPHWHZ5JGNDLM3TPLBWJKLB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648701},"content":"<i>Julie</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"M4CA2AKSDFGLLPEWMY63GO4IT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648702},"content":"<i>Xoxxoxox</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"2LF5YP67SJGUPCL2GY5I6PNQNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648703},"content":"Yes, this was much better than a sweater.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FKW4VDFY4JE5NC22WCZUCTGPXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648704},"content":"The tree looked forlorn, but that was to be expected. By this time of year, the Japanese maple had already shed its leaves. Now dormant, it was prepared to withstand the winter, awaiting a brighter new year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKIB2FCNZRDRTNWO2ZLHRYHJNM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648705},"content":"Jose, who helps me in the garden, planted it in the backyard under the canopy of a towering black walnut tree, which I hoped would protect the sapling.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FZXMK4IMVBACHJRRY2QRPRUMY4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648706},"content":"I counted that Christmas as the fourth since Julie, then 59, had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer. Early on, her oncologist had told us we’d be lucky to have five more Decembers together.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XTMPIQGZNVFDVAPGIPUB75JIOU","additional_properties":{"_id":"JB6TMERA7JE7HESFWUZY4A6HWQ"},"content":"Home alone at Christmas – Helen O’Rahilly on a delightfully peaceful celebration","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"TD3DAKR7QRFVVHRZ7X43QYGOKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648707},"content":"The next spring came early, and the awakening maple began to sprout buds, which soon turned into bright green leaves. I could imagine photosynthesis shifting into high gear as the weather warmed and the small maple began its annual work of repair, restoration and growth. Julie, too, seemed to be in decent health, spending much of the spring in her own garden – fertilising the soil, planting fall bulbs and tending to her beloved hydrangeas.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MI4FERHEP5HFZHHPPQX4QEEJWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648708},"content":"As for me, the gardening neophyte, I cared for that maple with as much attention as I could muster. By midsummer, I’ll admit, I’d begun to talk to it. I lived 500 miles (804km) from Julie, and chatting to the little maple felt like having her beside me, which I knew had been her intent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4VDCKDSHMVE7XJBFAWZJWWBEHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648709},"content":"“Nothing bad can happen to this tree,” I told my neighbours, Wendy and Charlie.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQ4DFM2A5NBO7G2ZKLI3FOBLFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648710},"content":"Labor Day passed with just a hint of the cooler night-time temperatures that ignite the maple. In late October, the tree lit up, fiery and proud. Julie and I spoke often, almost as frequently as I spoke with the tree. I imagined that the maple could recognise my voice, which would allow Julie and me to use it as our medium – when the time came.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RJIVB2KQN5HTNIF5MQXTDY4WMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648711},"content":"The fifth Christmas came and went. We were in overtime.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KX3PINJKONDMVJL3H4ARGUMUCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648712},"content":"With the spring, my other trees sprouted buds. The Japanese maple, however, appeared inert. I went out to examine it and snapped off a small branch. It was dry and brittle, which even I knew was not a good sign.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PMI3KE7FCNCFTMRWX7KCJNNJFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648714},"content":"I texted a photograph of the tree to Jose: “This is the Japanese maple in the backyard,” which he surely knew since he’d planted it. “It seems dead. Would you look at it? It’s very important to me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUHJFQUINBDRDI72AEHTKH5WD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648715},"content":"When he didn’t reply that day, I sent him the backstory, ending with: “It can’t die because it will mean Julie will die.” He rushed over the next morning. The prognosis was not good.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZFBQ4FZLUNF7DDAC3RAYWUQZHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648717},"content":"As I later learned from an arborist, the maple had succumbed to black walnut toxicity. I hadn’t known that the large tree overhanging it could produce a toxic substance called juglone, concentrated in its buds, nut hulls and roots. Black walnut trees are killers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GVOYYTWNRNGCFNWMWP5MAWTHJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648718},"content":"By now it was April, the same month Julie’s oncologist told her she’d exhausted all possible treatments.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYJAQC2H2VF6DA2GGOIV7SU2YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648719},"content":"The oncologist, when pressed, estimated that my sister had two or three months to live. With time running short, I became obsessed with finding another Japanese maple. Miraculously, I discovered a nursery that billed itself as a “Japanese maple tree farm” only 20 miles from my house. I raced over the next day and found more than 200 varieties of maples, covering acre upon acre.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55PEW5X2ZJFHVJF6ORNCVYNVUA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648720},"content":"The owner recommended a Japanese maple known for its purple leaves that turn bright red in the fall. I paid him $275 (€264), and together we put it in the back of my station wagon. Jose and I planted it, this time in the front yard, far away from the reach of the black walnut.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6W4PSKSTY5HPPFQMT6GSQJDC6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648721},"content":"Julie died six weeks later, unaware of the maple tree switcheroo.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XX4UBJSY3JGSRFAMTO2L4GLLPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648722},"content":"The maple has flourished. I say either “hello” or “goodbye” each time I go by. Sometimes I stop and chat. Am I a kook? Perhaps, but I think often of the Mary Oliver poem When I Am Among the Trees, which speaks to me the way I speak to Julie through my tree.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WSOD6IGW4RBLJK4PBRQ544LL6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648723},"content":"<i>Around me the trees stir in their leaves</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"346INT2HDJGNTDWMIOEYEFC6EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648724},"content":"<i>and call out, “Stay awhile.”</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"HOKAK4ZCTJH73GQWC774QI7ZC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648725},"content":"<i>The light flows from their branches.</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"BVJKAKDKGFAFZD7LWXOYN4NWRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648726},"content":"<i>And they call again, “It’s simple,” they say,</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"HGDJCEMRFZDHDLE443XPT32YCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648727},"content":"<i>“and you too have come</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"57ERZQO2YRBANNFJSEIYCTRCIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648728},"content":"<i>into the world to do this, to go easy, to be filled</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"PBXPZA4EEFDZDBNZMP6QPEAGOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648729},"content":"<i>with light, and to shine.”</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"P3MPJWEX65GNPEKW6UVKFZGXQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1735301648730},"content":"Even in the dead of winter, I look at the tree and think of Julie smiling back at me, saying, as she promised, “I love you”. – This article originally appeared in <a href=\"https://www.nytimes.com/2024/12/23/well/family/cancer-maple-tree-christmas-present.html\">the New York Times</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"name":"Steven Petrow"}]},"description":{"basic":"Julie had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer at 59-years-old. Early on, her oncologist had told us we’d be lucky to have five more Decembers together"},"display_date":"2024-12-30T11:05:21.128Z","headlines":{"basic":"My sister was dying of cancer. A Christmas gift helped to process it","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"YV32BFXFXQ33BUOOUCQH2NCCRU","auth":{"1":"57639e897b8bd480023c54d018aca17570d925233c34982a41215f3afae4ac5d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/YV32BFXFXQ33BUOOUCQH2NCCRU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"People"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/life-style/people/2024/12/30/youre-the-best-brother-a-sister-could-ever-hope-for-my-sister-was-dying-of-cancer-a-christmas-gift-helped-me-process-it/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/life-style/people","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"People"}}}},{"_id":"FNC47DTYWRDXZFQB4U6W2GCDN4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":696,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/756bd4d9-2b3a-45cf-9185-5078f5b42ff3/versions/1734367516/media/322d63cb39cf5bde1ffa600521012357_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/28/conor-popes-guide-to-health-insurance-everything-you-need-to-know/","content_elements":[{"_id":"YAPXN4GGT5AMBFIMSCTPRKROYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457146},"content":"Do I really need health insurance? We have a free public health system and it’s not like health insurance will see me jump any A&E queue, will it?","type":"header"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"G4VS3KJDGNDPTORJW5Q6I3Q4SU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"ITKXY7X2ANFTVPE6PYKXPTXJRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457147},"content":"That’s a legitimate question and as good a place as anywhere to start. It is absolutely correct to say that, if a person has a heart attack or stroke, is involved in a car crash or has to be rushed into an emergency department suffering from some other serious ailment – or even a not so serious one – then health insurance makes no appreciable difference.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2NNOHFWIUVFFHA4SLWQPOGZE7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457148},"content":"Why is that?","type":"header"},{"_id":"X4RECBXDVFFQHNL3OTINOIRP7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457149},"content":"Because in most emergency circumstances people are brought to the nearest public hospital and treated in the public system at no – or at least at very little – cost to them. And most people who are diagnosed with serious, life-threatening conditions will most likely be treated in the public system fairly expeditiously whether they have health insurance or not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"THMI3CQAVJD2RPJDM4G3ILALCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457150},"content":"And that public system works right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"IAZYNYXDZBBVLHCSKZAGYNMS5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457151},"content":"For all its flaws – and they have been widely documented for a long, long time – our healthcare system can be good. That is thanks mainly to the medical professionals who are central to it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WLEDOKL775AOPHIH6DGYX36FUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457152},"content":"Tell that to anyone who has been left waiting in an A&E for hours on end","type":"header"},{"_id":"GVFNSRM36VDQHHNY4SAPIDZBCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457153},"content":"That is not the fault of the doctors, nurses or teams of healthcare professionals. The reality is that even the most gilt-edged of health insurance policies won’t protect people from the hell that is a hospital trolley.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KBJPGQREHFED5K6THBYA6ELNGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457154},"content":"So back to the first question, what is the point of health insurance?","type":"header"},{"_id":"BFEOBW4AHRHFPFFVR7MBPT2VRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457155},"content":"Quite simply, people with health insurance get access to consultants more quickly – even consultants working out of public hospitals. They get private and semi-private rooms in public hospitals if they are available. They can also access private hospital and private emergency departments and clinics which dramatically reduces waiting times for many procedures – both elective and otherwise. And they have access to a much broader range of out-patient services and can more often than not be treated much faster for elective and non-urgent issues much, much faster than people relying on the public system.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQ6SWV6NMVFGVHBE7OTQ6CP2WQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"DFLNRT7J2BDG5DZNBMKUIIUC7E"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"KKBOAB3LTNFYNCLVNSL6IPLAHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457156},"content":"How much faster?","type":"header"},{"_id":"Q32T2XL5YVBYDBKA2FI5QYY7KE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457157},"content":"As anyone who has had to navigate the maze of Ireland’s public health system will tell you, people can be left waiting months and sometimes years, before seeing consultants. The sad reality is that people have died because of these delays or they have been left living in often unnecessary pain for far too long. At the end of last year there were more than 66,000 people on the outpatient orthopaedics waiting list with close to 12,000 of them facing an estimated wait time of more than 12 months. And that is just orthopaedics.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZBTDWUFKD5BJFPS3PXXR5KYTII","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457158},"content":"That is terrible","type":"header"},{"_id":"BBPC5QVIH5AXBN3LPDUGUNKN2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457159},"content":"It is and it goes some way to explaining why just over 2.5 million people have health insurance despite multiple price hikes in recent years and why, according to a recent report from the Health Insurance Authority (HIA), “consumers view health insurance as a necessity and not a luxury”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMFTIKDWF5CRFMFOYFHSNXIWAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457160},"content":"But it is an expensive necessity right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"R6ORXXOUMVEDVH7QTBG43D2M4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457161},"content":"It is certainly not cheap and it is getting more and more expensive with the cost climbing by an average of 11 per cent so far this year. The average policy premium is now €1,712. Increases are running at more than five times the current rate of general inflation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XQR3FJQQFNG3XEUJI2E4XB5GXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457162},"content":"Why is that?","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZQ46Z76G6ZDABI5CMDXNL64WRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457163},"content":"The insurance companies point to sustained increases in the cost of delivering healthcare and the increased use of more expensive, high-cost drugs among other things.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW2ST7XWLRCJLMM7VAPSRCWDFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457164},"content":"So just how much can a family expect to pay?","type":"header"},{"_id":"2SJB6BZDCJA5HLG2FV3LYZZMHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457165},"content":"Even if we allow for the fact that children’s policies typically cost a good deal less than adult ones, a family made up of two adults and two children paying for a fairly middling level of health cover won’t have much change out of €4,000 a year – and that is an after-tax figure, which means they will have to earn close to 10 grand to cover the cost.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZQFQS4C7KVCHZBW5BZRD5PX6QA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457166},"content":"Yikes. Could I not just pay for access to private healthcare as I go?","type":"header"},{"_id":"S6W663M3IZCM7MYIXTEOCHMJVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457167},"content":"You could. But the chances are you will have to rely fully on the public health system if you get seriously ill as the costs really ramp up if you, or a family member, gets sick. It might not cost that much to see a consultant privately on a one-off basis, but ongoing visits or treatment costs will quickly bleed a patient dry. Getting a colonoscopy private, for example, will set you back well over €1,000 and if it turns up something that needs treatment and you have to pay for it privately, it will cost a whole lot more again with the cost of overnight stays in hospitals, procedures and courses of medication sometimes costing many thousands of euro.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q2SR54HF6BDP3LZWKHEXR27DNY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457168},"content":"I am young and healthy, could I save myself a few bob by waiting until I am older to take out cover?","type":"header"},{"_id":"UG7XI5XT2NH5XKOSSZI3SFXYME","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457169},"content":"You could, but you will you will pay a premium for that. Lifetime Community Rating is designed to target those who wait to take out private health cover until they are older and more likely to need more medical care. Anyone taking out insurance for the first time aged 35 and older will be charged an extra 2 per cent of their policy for every year they are over 34 without health insurance. The maximum loading is 70 per cent. It applies for 10 years, after which a person reverts to the standard policy price.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CBOAWRJ3PRFAJMSE5F37VRQ5IE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457170},"content":"So who offers health insurance in Ireland?","type":"header"},{"_id":"3P4TFQFF5FGLNKLXTXQXA2FSHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457171},"content":"Maybe a history lesson might help answer that question. In the beginning, there was the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/vhi\">VHI</a>, a State-owned operator that offered a handful of private plans running from Plan A to Plan E. It was a simpler time and it had the playing field all to itself. Then, in the 1990s, Bupa arrived, but it quickly turned into Quinn Healthcare, which then became <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/laya-health\">Laya Healthcare, </a>which is now owned by Axa. We then had Vivas, which was acquired by Aviva. But Aviva left the market in 2016 and sold the business to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/irish-life-health\">Irish Life</a>, which also took complete control of GloHealth and merged the two into Irish Life Health. Then a couple of months ago, Aviva came back into the market under the brand name Level Health.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66HJDMXASBFTVCLTF3RTWW3RCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457172},"content":"That is confusing","type":"header"},{"_id":"LFMVLG5BZFFDTD66EX25VYRDDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457173},"content":"It is, but the confusion doesn’t end there. There are about 350 health insurance plans on the market and, according to the HIA, that has left consumers feeling “overwhelmed” by the number of options available. It recently said the complexity works against people’s best interests and sees many paying over the odds for cover.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WFXWIY7DKNED3HK6GHK2HOXICQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457174},"content":"But does all cover at the same level not cost pretty much the same?","type":"header"},{"_id":"CQNWBZJTWBHS3JHOCSJVU3G7VE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457175},"content":"Absolutely not, there are huge price discrepancies between plans and canny consumers who shop around when renewal time comes can make big savings amounting to hundreds of euro each year – and sometimes even more than that.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ATI7PCZSZBCO7BKNQYGOBLBYCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457176},"content":"So everyone shops around all the time, right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"S64DFAZQUFEFVG5UQSVYOOWFRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457177},"content":"Wrong. According to the HIA, a total of 71 per cent of the market have never switched provider, while half of those who have switched have only done so once.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DNSNO2C4NGQHJXPBWY3EDBSGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457178},"content":"What? Why?","type":"header"},{"_id":"HJ4MRCKN3VCLJGJ6B3THORIJVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457179},"content":"Well we mentioned the complexity of the market, right? Many people believe that it is difficult to switch and while it is certainly harder to change health insurer than it is to change energy provider – or at least there are many more variables to consider – it is not as hard as people might think and there are far fewer risks than many probably believe.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UGACUXTXKBFEJKBUSQKWF5LUAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457180},"content":"But it is complicated, right?","type":"header"},{"_id":"DXVINH2EK5A2VGHROYZJJYD5P4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457181},"content":"Well, while the sector is undoubtedly complicated, much of the complexity is easy to sidestep. There are strict rules in place that give consumers protection irrespective of their age or their health issues.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LGZ6ASQJRVFU3PZTTPSP3G72QU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457182},"content":"What do you mean by that?","type":"header"},{"_id":"WN75BXS7URAUHBI5DASB7MZSKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457183},"content":"A person who has a long-standing policy with Company A will have served the waiting periods expected of them so can switch to Company B and get all the existing cover they had with Company A immediately.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PIMSGE56MRFSPNEHQBSCL2XOAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457184},"content":"To put that more simply, you do not lose the cover you already have by moving from one company to another. If the plan on the table from Company B offers enhanced cover, you will most likely have to wait for that to kick in, but whatever you had, you keep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZUHNHXM4INCG3NMGZVI5HASKR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457185},"content":"But I have a pre-existing condition so I am stuck?","type":"header"},{"_id":"2D3NU6SS3NGSBOTP4JTRYAUZRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457186},"content":"No. Unlike with other forms of insurance – and we can’t stress this enough – you cannot be penalised financially because of a pre-existing condition or because of your age. The law requires health insurance companies to treat everyone equally.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7XNPRSDW2JEA7HTB73DF56G75M","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457187},"content":"But if I am taking it out for the first time?","type":"header"},{"_id":"5QMCBJTIMNFGTP6GAX5LJCTLPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457188},"content":"Anyone buying health insurance for the first time or after a break in cover of more than 13 weeks will have to serve waiting periods before having full access to all of their benefits. The waiting period for inpatient care for pre-existing conditions can be a maximum of five years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMVEW34S5BAN5PIIC2F4K5RIZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457189},"content":"So where do I start if I want to switch?","type":"header"},{"_id":"TUOCFSBQBZCDJPSSUIDCZHQ6F4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457190},"content":"You start with the facts. Call your existing provider to see if they have a lower-cost equivalent plan to the one you are currently on. Make it clear you’re happy to take on some excesses or minor reductions in cover, depending on the savings.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IJCD7KMA2ZDRFB5CN3ROPBALJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457191},"content":"Why do I start with them?","type":"header"},{"_id":"MEN2UNY4LBG6DDZJC6OJVLURDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457192},"content":"Because it is the easiest thing to do. Your existing insurer has a complete record of all previous claims you have made and the simplest question to ask is if any new and cheaper plans would have covered all the claims that have been paid out over the last two years and to the same level. If the answer is yes, then your choice is pretty simple. You switch.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KH7WBVE4QVEPFHBJOQHRKRB34Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457193},"content":"But what about the other providers – they won’t have the record of my previous claims?","type":"header"},{"_id":"U2ILL7T3WNATTNCPB3ZN6DTLLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457194},"content":"And that is why it is important that when you are talking to them you are upfront. You will not be penalised – financially or otherwise – for honesty. Detail all the important elements of your existing policy, and outline any underlying conditions and procedures carried out. Have them confirm that any new and cheaper plan will cover everything you have had covered in the past.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CXS5TMR24REYZD6NPJ2MVUWFVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457195},"content":"And I can do this online?","type":"header"},{"_id":"33CLMM4U45ETLGIONLKGHKIKVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457196},"content":"Probably, but it is better to do it over the phone. Providers like it when we shop online, but by doing so we become responsible for all the decisions, be they good or bad. By talking to a company representative and asking the right questions, and insisting on having everything explained to you puts the onus on them to make everything clear. Do not be afraid to ask questions and make sure everything is clear in your mind before making any final decision.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Q43IFHKHWFA37MORSL5LYPPZMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457197},"content":"What about my children?","type":"header"},{"_id":"HIQIHI2V5BCTPC72RHMRQHTIXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457198},"content":"The key thing here is they do not need the same level of cover as an adult because there are no private children’s hospitals in the State and GP visits for under-eights are free.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LD2IWU7KNFBTTELUTW6J4JXOCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734355457199},"content":"But health insurance still has value for them. Children can obviously be seen by private consultants at a cost and treated in paediatric wards in private hospitals as well. Then there are assessments for neurodevelopmental conditions. The healthcare support often relies on diagnoses, and wait times for autism and ADHD assessments and other conditions in the public system can be insanely long. They are expensive in the private system if people pay upfront.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Conor Pope"}},"name":"Conor Pope"}]},"description":{"basic":"Access to consultants, private hospital rooms and reduced waiting times are some of the reasons why it can pay to have private health insurance"},"display_date":"2024-12-28T05:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Conor Pope’s guide to health insurance: Everything you need to know","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"AA6KKDFKO5F47MUEAZYGKEMXQU","auth":{"1":"a50e8f67e896e8c485f5504d709302bd6a4f36df707477bf794e879854827582"},"focal_point":{"x":1900,"y":910},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/AA6KKDFKO5F47MUEAZYGKEMXQU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Your Money"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/28/conor-popes-guide-to-health-insurance-everything-you-need-to-know/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"UUSSNLDA45AE7GOC6SPHR4M3HI","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":281,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/63a5e635-4d1a-4450-87b3-00e257ad8223/versions/1734428251/media/c02ae5aad0253272829bdc662ba82e64_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/27/my-ex-wife-is-tracking-my-daughters-mobile-phone-location-when-she-is-with-me/","content_elements":[{"_id":"ZV3EJJCX7RA5LMMG3HRSHCDJSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634371},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"YSX4JDKONZHLVL6SECATAHVAGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496635},"content":"<b>I have recently remarried and am in a blended family with my new wife. She has two </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\"><b>teenage boys</b></a><b>, 15 and 17, who live between our house and her ex-husband’s. I have a 10-year-old daughter, who lives with her mum and stays with us for a long weekend every two weeks. My </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents\" target=\"_blank\"><b>daughter</b></a><b> has her own mobile phone, which she just uses to text and phone her mum and myself (we have disabled social media and internet on it).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FO6NRYMUKFAU3J6WZE7WY3WM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":"SE7JXPU56FEAFP6UQ7XQUIWFVM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"XNC44KWNZFHE5DQ5ZBXRBNNX3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496636},"content":"<b>I found out recently that my ex-wife tracks my daughter’s location (via the ‘find my phone’ feature) when she is with me. I only found out by chance when my ex made some comment about where I had taken my daughter on a hiking trip. To be honest, this does not feel right. I understand that my ex-wife finds it hard to be away from her daughter.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"7USNHGPYZRFYHN3U653A5BQN3Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496637},"content":"<b>As a result, there is no problem with her texting and ringing my daughter, though sometimes I think this is excessive and interrupting my short time with her.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"A42Z7BYWWRB3THRRVLOCXMD2WE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634372},"content":"<b>I understand that lots of parents use the location features to keep tabs on their kids – my wife does that with her two teenagers and she finds it helpful to know where they are and that they are safe. The 17-year-old turns the feature off himself now sometimes.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"E2UG2RBAPZBCZCDVKZKC4D3CWY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496639},"content":"<b>However, my ex-wife’s tracking of my daughter when she is with me feels a bit much. To be honest, it feels like I am under surveillance about my parenting. What should I do? What are my rights about this?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZGBYDBM44NHKBE7AR6GPT4F7IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496640},"content":"<b>My ex and I have a very delicate relationship that has been very acrimonious in the past.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"AFRBY3JAINGUBJFTSBJ6BNHM5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496641},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"S7R3VGUIEZFOXBMGMPSBKJ73JI","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634373},"content":"Though mobile phones have brought many benefits in how we can stay connected with our close family, they have also brought challenges and dilemmas. Location tracking is one of these dilemmas. It can be reassuring for a parent to know where their child is when they start being independent and this can even foster a sense of safety for the child as they go places by themselves. Location tracking is also useful for practical reasons such as finding misplaced or lost phones.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ESY6SA44IJGHTMJRSPUKCHCQOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496643},"content":"However, it does pose questions around freedom and trust, especially as children get older. Older teenagers have a right to go places without their parents knowing and this is part of them becoming independent and making their own choices. Sometimes parents can become hypervigilant and over-controlling in their children’s lives – location tracking can feed into this and can increase over-vigilance and damage trust.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LEC7D43FREGJE6GBLJKZPE6QQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634374},"content":"There is no one size fits all when it comes to location tracking and it is really down to your judgment as a parent as to how to manage issues around safety and to decide when you give children freedom. It is interesting that your older step-son chooses to sometimes turn off tracking on his phone, which is one solution to these dilemmas. Certainly, location tracking is no replacement for upfront conversations about safety and for building warm connected relationships with your children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3B6GWJKPNBFHKTDVD35SYNGLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634375},"content":"Your specific question is complicated by being separated from your daughter’s mother. Her being able to track her daughter’s location means that she can also track your location. I can understand that it might feel like a violation of your own privacy as a parent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZKYRPCTQKZCSFDBZXKCSVBOQZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1734428062652},"content":"You also have the additional concern of how frequently your ex-wife contacts your daughter when she is with you. It is useful that you can empathise with your ex-wife’s need to stay connected with her daughter – she may indeed be quite lonely when her daughter is not with her and this might lead to her contacting or checking her location.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HSL5OPO2FDTBCBENZU4Z72AYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1734363634376},"content":"As you think how to resolve the issue, a lot depends on the quality of your co-parenting relationship with your ex-wife. For example, it is perfectly reasonable to request that your wife does not track your daughter when she is with you. You could agree that you will turn off the tracking feature at these times and suggest she contact you directly if she has any concerns. It might also be reasonable to request a schedule for when your ex-wife phones your daughter during visits so these can fit better into your routines.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BDXR4BMZ4ZAMXMEFCEQUIQJSEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496647},"content":"However, it is worth bearing in mind that such requests might go down badly with your ex-wife, especially if you have had a previously acrimonious relationship. You could decide that it is not worth raising the issues, and let them slide for the moment to be revisited later when your daughter is older. Before you decide how you respond, it is worth reflecting how your daughter is impacted by the contact with her mother when she is staying with you – is it too much and unsettling for her, or is it okay or even beneficial to her?","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4FUWY6ZLRBXZD5G4ZLFVKIHMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1734426496648},"content":"Try to make a decision that is focused your daughter’s best needs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DS7K3WGPJFE35C7SNH7JESDCXQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"PETLR55GN5BDJJKFZGFOWP5L64","additional_properties":{"_id":"6IJV6IIWPNGFPFXVJSJWCBOCBQ"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: It feels like I am under surveillance about my parenting. What should I do? What are my rights about this?"},"display_date":"2024-12-27T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My ex-wife is tracking my daughter’s mobile phone location when she is with me’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"2EEEDHIBEFGQNDEXJHIY66PIXU","auth":{"1":"cf9b573eeaa0c33f86e8c31c8b3ffb33edcca1a8c93da1417770a0e90303c644"},"focal_point":{"x":756,"y":300},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/2EEEDHIBEFGQNDEXJHIY66PIXU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/27/my-ex-wife-is-tracking-my-daughters-mobile-phone-location-when-she-is-with-me/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"LIQSPMXCJJF6BEE3DCFPQA5CJ4","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":346,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/2fb28af0-cdec-4dae-afa3-608599aad72d/versions/1733833094/media/ca8e0534b411f4fa791ef63da9c05741_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/16/my-12-year-old-son-has-dyslexia-and-adhd-and-complains-of-being-bored-in-school/","content_elements":[{"_id":"FF4KWRWDJJBVRJKY2LKUOZZQTM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394238},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"JV72QJOVN5EJBCTMFQGHVOIOXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734102865570},"content":"<b>My 12-year-old son has </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dyslexia/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>dyslexia</b></a><b> and </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adhd/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>ADHD</b></a><b> (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder). He complains of being bored in school and hates doing any homework. The teacher says he is often “switched off” in the classroom, particularly during maths, Irish and English. She says he is very bright because he can make great contributions when discussing subjects he loves, such as history or science, though she does not have time to answer all his questions.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"42OBGYSLWVE7VGDVXE7PDAF6SQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733831285024},"content":"<b>The psychologist who diagnosed him also assessed him as “twice exceptional” (children with exceptional ability but also a disability)</b> <b>and that he had high ability. I am worried that he is falling behind in school in the formal subjects and not reaching his full potential. How can I help him? Should I try to insist he does more homework? At the moment it feels like a real battle to get him to do any at all. Are there other ways to motivate him?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"C377UWVDKFCYVKPQCJDJY5PZOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1734102865572},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZUC4FMX6AJBXBPEM4X6LAY6JLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394239},"content":"Many children with dyslexia or ADHD can struggle with formal learning in school and in the home. You are right to question continuing to do homework, especially if it has become an ongoing battle. Once homework becomes stressful, your son is not learning anything and such battles can turn him off education and damage his self-esteem.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FLPVJXG2G5HFXGOHPGHV5EZ76Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733831285028},"content":"As a result, it is important to take a step back and try to understand how he likes to learn and what motivates him. For example, traditional homework often involves lots of repetition such as doing similar maths problems over and over to ensure the concept is grasped. For ADHD, twice-exceptional children this could be off-putting – once they grasp a concept they might need increasing complexity to deepen their understanding or to see the concept applied in a new area that interests them so as to sustain their motivation. It is not that ADHD children are lazy or demotivated, it is just that their nervous system makes it difficult for them to learn when the material does not engage or interest them. Their mind can easily drift and day dream or attend to something else that is more engaging.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PRCAWD5GXFDRXP4AQ6BSH6BWXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394240},"content":"The good news is that there is lot you can do to make learning more engaging for your son. Many writers use the acronym PINCH to describe different ways to motivate the ADHD mind that can be applied at home and in school:","type":"text"},{"_id":"LBSTLTRSORCSLG4CGWOMTL5T4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394241},"content":"<b>Play</b> Make learning fun and engaging by introducing games and play. For example, teach your son maths using a quiz or history through a whodunit story or science through mixing ingredients as you bake – whatever makes learning fun for your child.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLDU5E6A35COZJDZHYUZGI46EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394242},"content":"<b>Interest</b> Follow your child’s curiosity in learning and answer the questions they ask. Use their passions and interests to expand their knowledge. Encourage reading about their favourite movie or think how you can incorporate problem-solving and maths into their beloved video games. Lots of twice-exceptional children love to learn about special subjects that are not part of the school curriculum such as neuroscience or coding (have a look at the curricula of the Centre for Talented Youth in DCU).","type":"text"},{"_id":"NZAS45PY25DNTCFCGZE2V2NB2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394243},"content":"<b>Novelty</b> Novelty is a strong motivator for the ADHD mind. Rather than spending a long time on one subject, it can be better to spend short bursts punctuated by rewarding breaks and to change the subject often (especially as attention wanes). Also, introduce novelty by changing the learning method. Consider doing a “learn by doing” project or listening to a podcast instead of reading or learning/discussing subjects while walking outdoors or doing a field trip.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66MOXCZTR5GAPD45HQ3DO7L4ZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394244},"content":"<b>Competition or co-operation</b> Sometimes competition can be really motivating for ADHD minds – “let’s see who can complete the sums in the fastest time” or “let’s see if you can beat your last score in this quiz”. Additionally, co-operating in a team and learning together can be really helpful for some ADHD children. While they can do the maths sums by themselves, having you nearby to listen or chat with them afterwards can sustain their attention.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DFUZOCE7UFEC7CRIS2PX3WVARM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394245},"content":"<b>Hurry </b>Many ADHD children only do something when there is a pressure deadline – they might cram before an exam or not complete a task until the last minute. While this can be infuriating for some parents, you can make it work by agreeing interim deadlines with your child, such as completing one chapter by the weekend with a clear reward on finishing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AV4QFZFHK5CAFEWC6EER4YBCUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394246},"content":"Additionally, identify your child’s sensory needs and how these interact with how they learn. In order to concentrate, some ADHD children need background music or to constantly fidget or move. Some need frequent movement breaks or learn best in alternative seating such as lying on a beanbag.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXPNDZEJUZA27IPKAXMAIWK6CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394247},"content":"Supporting your child in school","type":"header"},{"_id":"EDXFYDTEMFF57ABLS5IRTFJCHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733826394248},"content":"Collaborate with the teacher to explore how your son’s learning can be better supported in the classroom. Identify first what is working, such as how he seems to learn better in interactive discussions (common for ADHD children). If he needs some extra attention, could the teacher put some time aside, as this would be highly motivating to him? When he is switched off, what strategies would help him reattend? Perhaps a short movement break or an interactive exercise could help. Given his diagnoses, your son should be entitled to resource teaching hours.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6SV7ZDBJ4RG3FGEIVEGXVLOAEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733831285038},"content":"Perhaps he could be given some one-to-one time to support his learning challenges due to his dyslexia (his diagnosing psychologist might be able to make programme recommendations). Also, he could perhaps benefit from small group support and special project assignments to specifically challenge him in areas where he is academically strong.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZMPPPA7ALBC5FD5GWWW5WT7KP4","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"K4W2OOCZJZGKXHEBMWOEFKEXKA","additional_properties":{"_id":"MS2DZ2AYGJAQDPPMH3RDZVONWU"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: He was found by a psychologist to be ‘twice exceptional’ (has exceptional ability but also a disability)"},"display_date":"2024-12-16T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My son was found by a psychologist to be twice exceptional, but we are in a battle to motivate him’ ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"FJ4EBD7IDBDJVE4E6FYPL3GCEY","auth":{"1":"65c149a0d9a334f0d6e0384073bfa870c628cf9c4c4bad61c06a0276b15ffaf6"},"focal_point":{"x":1934,"y":1411},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FJ4EBD7IDBDJVE4E6FYPL3GCEY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/16/my-12-year-old-son-has-dyslexia-and-adhd-and-complains-of-being-bored-in-school/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"4PFIEARXNZH6LPT7NQ5OWY2EWQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":314,"audio_url":"https://beyondwords-h0e8gjgjaqe0egb7.a03.azurefd.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/a45c1969-de27-4c9b-a43e-569a4976f801/versions/1733245979/media/27b1a02d2d2bb8f5ba1584e4a0620900_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/09/trust-me-im-a-family-christmas-expert-and-these-are-the-rules-to-live-by/","content_elements":[{"_id":"4ON3E57RP5BVNNC45O2QOJKXX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565937},"content":"In the words of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/john-lennon/\" target=\"_blank\">John Lennon</a>, had he been as disorganised and frazzled as I am this year, “and so, this is <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/\" target=\"_blank\">Christmas</a>. And I’ve feck all done.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YBNZ4NCLFZAR7KTIWZTQB4ZICE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565938},"content":"At this point in time, normally someone will share a motivational quote or meme about it being presence not <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas-gifts/\" target=\"_blank\">presents </a>that matter, as if I’m completely oblivious and daft to this fact. Or some all-knowing attempt at pacifying me with something like, “ah, it’ll all get done in the end” with little reference to, or consideration of, the fact that I might actually have gone insane by that point in time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6C5DPZ3VJBDVPLCQCCEWFP6M6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565939},"content":"You see, my name is Jen. And I’m a Christmas control freak.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D74J6TUPNREWPIVHCS7R2T47CE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552166},"content":"It’s my way, or the wrong way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PAGKXYER5FDBTM3YI4H3FKXLWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565940},"content":"My Christmas dinner table may never look quite like my mother’s. And the decorations on the tree have no aesthetically pleasing colour matching pattern as hers do. But Christmas is done in a very certain way in our household and there is no veering from it, in spite of my husband’s perennial swearing that we’re doing things differently next year.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SX656KYTXZA35AHPPJT4WA3K3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565941},"content":"Marriage, of course, is about compromise. Christmas is not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PXMCQ6CLJZHNVAIPEOOBN7US5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552169},"content":"So, we’ll do things the same as we always did. Which is full-scale Christmas hysteria.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZJ646U3LAFFXXKYBGOFLOX3324","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552170},"content":"The tree went up in November, as it always did. Long before Covid made this trendy. And it’s Christmas jumpers, and Christmas bedcovers every day of December. And fairy lights galore, of course, because it’s Christmas, like.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYJ5NXPJM5DXZBI5OOIY27IHJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565942},"content":"You see this was Christmas in my house growing up – minus the jumpers and bedcovers because they weren’t en vogue yet. We didn’t go on holidays during the year, so Christmas was our time of year. The one time of year where excitement was utterly off the scale, and a feeling I can’t quite articulate completely consumed us from November to new year. And I need to replicate that feeling for my own family.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTXSYGVX6ZFMBC2YYEFZ2ERFMI","additional_properties":{"_id":"MAGCDIS6VZCT3GAGE46GDVBTWE"},"content":"Exciting and fun things to do on a budget over the festive season","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IMUGWSU2UREMPP5P243TBEOHTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565943},"content":"Anyhow, in spite of my own frazzled state of mind, and my absolute lack of readiness for the big day itself, I’m going to try to convince you that you should listen to me and my tips for getting through the festive season.","type":"text"},{"_id":"STDMHOGR2NCKZH2FPOWRBTQAIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552173},"content":"Yes, trust me, I’m a family Christmas expert. And these are Christmas rules to live by.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VZ3ANPIGCNG3TBNEBEKY224PZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565944},"content":"Elf on the Shelf","type":"header"},{"_id":"OZP43HGGWVHD7NRKH6PQ3YLX74","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920839},"content":"I mean ideally you wouldn’t start down this road in the first place, but for anyone out there with small children, who’s feeling smug thinking they’ve escaped, know that your day just hasn’t come yet. But it will. And it will come in the shape of another primary schoolchild who’ll ask your child all about what their elf got up to. And you too will end up spiralling every evening, scratching your head, trying to come up with some suitably entertaining ideas. Because you can’t be the worst parent in the world and deprive your child of a little Christmas joy, can you? Can you?","type":"text"},{"_id":"HDLUHDTMTRAU3GUV4QMOHIFKOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733243552176},"content":"Keep it simple, search Elf on the Shelf ideas on social media, and set an alarm on your phone to remind you to move the feckin’ thing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AIMUSMMYAVBOPOABPLUBCTYWZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565945},"content":"Wrap and go","type":"header"},{"_id":"JIAWULLOAVEGVNBHBOIW4UPH7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920842},"content":"So, apparently (and bizarrely!), Santa doesn’t wrap the gifts he brings to Carlow. But, as normal people know, wrapping is one of Christmas’s most important great miseries and it just wouldn’t be the same without it. So, in all those situations where wrapping is required, try to do it as you go. Don’t let it all build up until Christmas Eve. Same goes for any gift assembly required, or battery checks. Your Christmas Day self will thank you for it. If anyone questions your obsessive need to wrap everything, scowl at them and call them the Grinch.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RRIKGEN5TNBIBDZ6HIER4YIWYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565946},"content":"You can never have enough boxes of Heroes or Celebrations","type":"header"},{"_id":"7TVVM5EBNBCOZBPQJWRRRVDO44","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920844},"content":"Obviously, no one needs convincing of this. See also potatoes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FSSPD3UQDREFDHOSPCFHDMD7B4","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565947},"content":"Unspeakables","type":"header"},{"_id":"OYBQ2DACONBZFO3DJJYKLKASQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920846},"content":"You’ll likely spend more time with family and friends than you’re used to. In the interest of continuing harmonious relationships, decide in advance which topics it’s best not to get Uncle Jimmy started on.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JU2LGS6HTNBXRAUTHYERQJLDME","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565948},"content":"The obvious controversial ones, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/donald-trump/\" target=\"_blank\">Trump</a>, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/immigration/\" target=\"_blank\">immigration</a>, the<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/rose-of-tralee/\" target=\"_blank\"> Rose of Tralee</a>, are all best avoided. But if all else fails, use the art of distraction and ask him where he keeps his toaster.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AYENVKLE6ZFKXJWYHKBHYQBPEE","additional_properties":{"_id":"QQ24CMZHWNFDXFCS52MVCU574U"},"content":"Christmas is their business: Meet the people who do a roaring trade in turkeys, trees and double entendres","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"J2PH3LABIRFYPIEKLQFWDMU5QE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565949},"content":"Create the right ambience","type":"header"},{"_id":"ND5YXJF3VFDENF2N4X6IH5VOPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920849},"content":"Everyone knows Christmas smells of cinnamon, mulled wine and pine. And in these days of fake trees, a scented candle can replace that missing bouquet. But look it, if you can’t find the right one, remember copious amounts of Toilet Duck can also do the job.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6NIRXSJDBEWBET5G7XPU5LEXM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565950},"content":"If you can, take as much of Christmas Eve off as possible","type":"header"},{"_id":"T5X4ZFFTKNEJLOJC4A6XNFKTFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1733484920851},"content":"Track Santa on the Norad tracker, drink hot chocolate, watch The Snowman, bake cookies for Santa (and by bake obviously I mean buy a ready mix that just requires you to add water), listen to Christmas music, watch the Christmas tree lights, have a bath and get into Christmas pyjamas, leave out carrots for the reindeer.","type":"text"},{"_id":"33GCHAP3AFDFDNVWKRSSTPVAOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1733240565951},"content":"Basically enjoy the magic of the season. Merry Christmas!","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Create time for yourself to enjoy the magic of the season, and take as much of Christmas Eve off as possible"},"display_date":"2024-12-09T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Trust me, I’m a family Christmas expert and these are the rules to live by’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"VNCBORMVXNFBZHCMFG2FUAND6Y","auth":{"1":"2666e0757b31f173da0e2236f3d00eb453db39345da40e979b6d62dc622b1902"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/VNCBORMVXNFBZHCMFG2FUAND6Y.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/09/trust-me-im-a-family-christmas-expert-and-these-are-the-rules-to-live-by/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"4GYG22O7EBHS3A6MHRWINKAHVM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/when-does-it-get-easier-and-other-parenting-questions/","content_elements":[{"_id":"QGYRJEIVEBE3LGB5FFIHPFVVOU","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962553},"content":"Does parenting with the seemingly never-ending juggle of work, home-life, and trying to be everything to everyone, actually get any easier? What about if you have a child struggling with anxiety, where do you begin in the search for meaningful support? Siblings; ready-made friends, or sworn enemies - how do you manage sibling conflict? And does it really matter if parents share pictures of their children online?","type":"text"},{"_id":"JLYYNFYIJVDTJPCMEE7HQS4H4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962554},"content":"These are just some of the many questions that came in to us from listeners to our Conversations with Parents podcast. And, in this special episode, Jen Hogan sits down with the podcast’s producer, Aideen Finnegan, to discuss and answer a selection of your questions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PZ3IPJN55DIXBADJMBJHJMPRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962555},"content":"Plus, the pair discuss some of the strong and varied reactions that followed some unexpectedly contentious takes on parenting, as guests openly and honestly shared their own unique experiences of raising children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3KD37Q5Y2JCVZMYPVB7ZJESH6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962556},"content":"From à la carte Catholicism, to box-ticking inclusion, to some very different views on allowing children be the ones who dictate the terms of, well everything really, there has been no shortage of things to discuss.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NEUSDWNWAZCWVIH2AQX6LI6HVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962557},"content":"You can listen to the latest episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above, or wherever you get your podcast.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PEZPRGXZMZBVRBT3T347QHKNEA","additional_properties":{"_id":1733151962558},"content":"We, at Conversations with Parents, love to hear from you, so please continue to send your emails with your feedback, questions and even guest suggestions to <a href=\"mailto:parentspod@irishtimes.com\">parentspod@irishtimes.com</a>. 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He has been having a lot of trouble getting up for school and it has become such a stressful rush in the mornings. When we were chatting last week, he revealed that he often wakes up at night and then can’t get back to sleep. He says he spends “ages just lying there” worrying that he can’t sleep.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5CSJWPSCABC6XB2NLGXEPO6D6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441802},"content":"<b>When he was younger he often had trouble like this and would wake us up – we would spend time supporting him back to sleep. Now he seems to be awake by himself – I feel bad that he is left alone like that by himself at night. What should we do to help him? What advise should we give him to get back to sleep?</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"DY5W4O4UMJCBBPFL2FHCVQ3JVU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441803},"content":"<b>Should we tell him to wake us so we can help him or encourage him to continue to do it by himself? He goes to bed at a reasonable time and is often very tired in the evening and is exhausted in the morning when he has to get up for school.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"2MTWJPLB3BA2JFYKVDHRZBYQ2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441804},"content":"<b>He has no screens in his bedroom and has a relaxing night-time routine as far as I can see.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMYOUHSMHZGTNLAKQO26JQIMUY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441805},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"5P5OPHOE4FHFJMY2KFMF33C4TQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086409},"content":"Many children and adults experience night-waking and disrupted sleep, which is not only stressful and tiring but also can negatively impact their wellbeing and performance during the day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DLB5BIDHOVEIHG2CUMY4PIJ3ZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086410},"content":"Many people go in and out of sleep throughout the night. They might wake briefly and then return to sleep easily, barely noticing that they were awake. However, others, once they awake, their mind can become active and full of worries and ruminations. There is a tendency for people to be more hypervigilant in the middle of the night – some experts see this as an evolutionary hangover from when there were actually more dangers at night. As a result, in the dark of the night, worries can seem larger than they actually are and this can disturb your sleep. Once you are agitated then it more difficult to fall back to sleep – the more you try the harder it can become.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GIXRGUCJRETXGXQX7HG7SZODI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732629441808},"content":"Sleep is a passive process about relaxing and letting go – it is not an active decision you can make. Also, once you are awake for a short period “tossing and turning” then secondary worries about not sleeping can kick in – you can berate yourself with thoughts such as “Oh no, I am not sleeping, I am going to be really tired in the morning”. Such stressful thoughts just make sleep harder – this is vicious cycle of insomnia. Over time, just lying in the bed becomes associated with stress and worry and not restful sleep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DV6ZRGHGINA45OHK7JJ2VSFSPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086411},"content":"Helping your son","type":"header"},{"_id":"OK57QAU7NJCXLBXFRN22VSKMUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086412},"content":"In thinking how to help your son, it is first important to get a full picture of his sleep patterns and what is going on for him through the night. It is great that he has started talking to you about his night-waking, so now encourage him to tell you a bit more. For example, it would be useful to know: What time does he usually wake up at? Is there a particular reason he wakes up? (eg worries or a bad dream, etc). What happens when he tries to get back to sleep when he wakes? Explore also how he falls asleep in the first place when he goes to bed. It is a good sign that he is able to do this, so do take time to identify the different sleep strategies he uses: what he thinks of, what position he lies in, how he relaxes himself, what props he uses. (such as reading, music, comfy pillow, etc). It is best to have this conversation during the day at a calm, relaxed time when you can work on solutions together.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PDVEF2ZQSJFYBFN5DLRYM6JZHY","additional_properties":{"_id":"D2KGJ3NTBZCVDL2QYFZNJAAMN4"},"content":"Insomnia is no fun and I’ve tried everything. Even brown noise","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OCVMZRZEFNDF5M7OUM4IO7HWD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086413},"content":"Make a plan for getting back to sleep","type":"header"},{"_id":"VK4354ULHBE4LLUM26UKXW2DJY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086414},"content":"Encourage your son to make a plan for when he awakes. Below are some ideas that might help","type":"text"},{"_id":"OA4OASE3OVB2DJWTGCIXCOOZDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086415},"content":"1) Try his normal “fall-asleep strategies” that work when he first goes to bed","type":"text"},{"_id":"JAA5IOF6CJHHFKVJDA23JB7W6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086416},"content":"2) If after 5-10 minutes he is lying there awake and agitated, it might be useful to get up for a minute to break this pattern. Some people find it helps to read for a few minutes or to do some stretching. One teen I worked with found it useful to do a couple of sit-ups as means of discharging his stress and resetting his system. The key is to break the association of lying in bed with stress and agitation","type":"text"},{"_id":"24NKQHWGKVBCZL5JQB4HIRAYEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086417},"content":"3) If he has worries on his mind that are preventing his sleep, sometimes it can be useful to jot a few of these down on a note pad and then tell himself that he will deal with them in the morning","type":"text"},{"_id":"4VILZOIHZJBRNPK3Y7ZHM3Z2UM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086418},"content":"4) Once he feels a little more relaxed, then he can go back to bed and restart his relaxing fall-asleep strategies","type":"text"},{"_id":"ENVVEG4SDFEJRK6LSNE3TZAR5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086419},"content":"5) Sometimes an additional prop can help, such as listening to music or a sleep meditation (you can put this on a device with no access to social media to avoid other distractions if need be)","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQ4J7AQHGVCR5IE7RIJEMVPY5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086420},"content":"What works in restarting good sleep habits varies greatly from person to person. The most important thing is to be compassionate and encouraging and to break the pattern of worrying that might affect him. For example, if your son lies awake worrying “oh no, I am not sleeping”, you can encourage him to replace that thought with a relaxing manta “oh, it is nice to be lying resting in my bed”. Patience and gentleness are key in building better sleep habits","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFANKO72DRHTXDNQ2TVBY7Y2UA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086421},"content":"Finally, you ask in your question whether he should wake you when he is not sleeping. You can of course give him that option for if he really needs to. But waking you up may increase the challenge of getting back to sleep (as well as being stressful for you). Also, I think it is a sign of his maturity that he is trying to deal with this himself – you can of course be a supportive coach for him during the day as he reflects about what he needs and comes up with a plan to manage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3FEKUQAN2VDZXBOONEC255CVKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732627086422},"type":"list"},{"_id":"7ROABMHFJVA23A6GCUZNT6H2TI","additional_properties":{"_id":"HA22BFCVMRGANEN4LRA73XVJJA"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: Should we tell him to wake us so we can help him or should we encourage him to continue to do it by himself?"},"display_date":"2024-12-02T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My 13-year-old son often wakes up at night and spends ages just lying there worrying that he can’t sleep’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"P6SEBJ3OPJF4XODL4PDCETDS2I","auth":{"1":"4f31e8d65acc88a52636c73661328f6d19b60678360a1862d94cb93d048ddb2d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/P6SEBJ3OPJF4XODL4PDCETDS2I.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/12/02/my-13-year-old-son-often-wakes-up-at-night-and-spends-ages-just-lying-there-worrying-that-he-cant-sleep/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"ISE4QKXLQ5HCDIIP6M5OATKVAQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":373,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/956fea96-fd17-4c90-ba78-5fccd4bff8aa/versions/1732883999/media/685c5f9adef4b69511ec0d708b7fb4d9_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/opinion/2024/11/30/jennifer-oconnell-look-out-ladies-elon-musk-has-plans-for-your-womb/","content_elements":[{"_id":"TTXD3TZ7OBHGNHRRHXKRK5DNTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398474},"content":"It’s hard to imagine anything less likely to encourage you to rip off your clothes and start procreating than having <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/elon-musk/\" target=\"_blank\">Elon Musk</a> held up as a paragon of fecundity. No reflection on the charms of his numerous offspring, little X Æ A-Xii, Techno Mechanicus, Exa Dark Sideræl (who is just two, but has already changed her name to the deep, existential cry of “Y, Why, or ?”), and their nine siblings, but there is something deeply, for want of a better word, prophylactic about the kind of man who goes on a solo run to reverse the downward trajectory in global fertility rates. Musk has characterised the decline in women having children as “one of the biggest risks to civilisation”. In October, he <a href=\"https://x.com/elonmusk/status/1841635259382710619\" target=\"_blank\">posted on X</a>: “Birth rates that low will lead to mass extinction of entire nations!” Not on his watch, ladies.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QCHLFVAXONHRZODODG6Q537PMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398475},"content":"Similar concerns about fertility rates have been expressed by another big risk to civilisation. <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/donald-trump/\" target=\"_blank\">Donald Trump</a>, himself a father of five children by three wives, recently promised to fund access to IVF in the US because “we want more babies, to put it nicely”. His future vice-president <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/jd-vance/\" target=\"_blank\">JD Vance</a> has a well-publicised aversion to “childless cat ladies” and says societies with low birth rates are “pretty icky and pretty gross”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"63ACBY3LZRA4BIKRAMOZOGWIFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398476},"content":"As a rule, men who are in favour of women giving birth, but very much not in favour of women generally, ought to make us suspicious. When they say “we want more babies, to put it nicely” what they tend to mean is “we like our women barefoot and pregnant, and our children numerous enough to be able to pay for us in our old age”. Perhaps that’s unfair. They do like children – maybe not as individuals with their own rights, identity and destiny, but as symbols of their masculinity, like a pair of bespoke Gucci crocodile skin loafers. Remember Trump boasting about how he would like to date Ivanka? That was the biggest compliment he could pay himself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IRBAWGJZYZH27LALGVELVZKX2Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398477},"content":"As global fertility rates continue to fall – and the decline is precipitous in Ireland, with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2024/05/24/irish-birth-and-fertility-rates-continue-to-decline-cso-figures-show/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20CSO%2C%20there,2013%20to%201.5%20in%202023.\" target=\"_blank\">the average age of first-time mothers climbing to 31.6</a>, and the average number of children per woman now 1.85, down from 4.06 30 years ago – the gaping maws of the culture wars have locked on to the issue of motherhood. Women who have long been banging the drum for better access to fertility treatment and more financial supports for <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> have been bewildered to find themselves on the same side as the pronatalist movement of conservative politicians and Silicon Valley tech bros. “Parents and parents-to-be need to have long-term stability and a reliable financial situation.” Who said that? Was it Holly Cairns? Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez? Sheila Heti? Nope, it was Hungary’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/viktor-orban/\" target=\"_blank\">Viktor Orban</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYEPHM7KSZE5PKYXG64DLPFVCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398478},"content":"With birth rates in Europe below the replacement level of 2.1, and surveys suggesting that young Europeans would like to have more children, the populist right has a renewed interest in family planning. In October last year, Orban – who is deeply concerned about what he charmingly calls “civilisational suicide” – hosted a two-day summit of pronatalists including conservative Canadian psychologist <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/jordan-peterson/\" target=\"_blank\">Jordan Peterson</a> and Italy’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/giorgia-meloni/\" target=\"_blank\">Giorgia Meloni</a>, on how to persuade Europeans to have more children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y4V34VBPXRDBRMCKWRRWHWRGBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"YYSVMWVMBRHLNKIFRDVLX7AIDQ"},"content":"Ireland’s demographic time bomb: too many retirees and too few babies","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"MYIQQMAKQ5D6LL4KPVCKLK6VOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398479},"content":"“Cash” is usually the conclusion arrived at by these high-level think-ins. At the milder end of pronatalist measures is <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/emmanuel-macron/\" target=\"_blank\">Emmanuel Macron</a>’s programme of “demographic rearmament” or Fine Gael’s baby bonus of €1,000 for every newborn. At the more extreme is<a href=\"https://helsinki.mfa.gov.hu/assets/59/19/40/51495279420a1817043db761a69f20d1dd4e58ce.pdf\"> Orban’s offer of a loan of €31,250</a> to every married couple, with the total debt written off entirely after the third child, and a lifetime exemption on income tax for women who have four or more children or who <a href=\"https://www.hungarianconservative.com/articles/culture_society/hungarian-family-policy_children_marriage_maria-kopp-institute_family-friendly-government_fertility/\" target=\"_blank\">start having children before the age of 30</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F5QBO4ND4BBKHELPL6GEST76WQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398480},"content":"The pronatalist movement is associated with creepy visions of a society of tradwives, but does that matter if the net result is better supports for families? The problem is that throwing piles of money at young families does little to address the real reasons couples are opting out of parenthood. Financial incentives have “no or only modestly positive effects on fertility”, as <a href=\"https://www.oecd-ilibrary.org/sites/918d8db3-en/1/3/1/index.html\" target=\"_blank\">an OECD report</a> last summer puts it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQPF5MCWM5DAZJUS6LMOPT6EZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398481},"content":"Those reasons are complex. They include changing gender roles; women’s desire or need to work; and a more intense approach to parenting that leaves little room, financial or otherwise, for anything else. “In the absence of work-life balance options, increased female labour participation leads to declining fertility rates,” the report states. Meanwhile, the more men are involved in the demanding, day-to-day grind of parenting, the fewer children couples are likely to have.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AD4QNTG5ARC7NJDSJKELGWFMEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398482},"content":"We didn’t need the OECD to spell any of this out. In an ideal world, making the decision that you’re ready to have a child could involve some or all of the following: being in a relationship; having somewhere to live; earning enough to meet your expenses; being set up in a career; having access to childcare; having a general sense of the world as the kind of place you are comfortable bringing a child into. And wanting to be a parent. These days, many people will never tick all those boxes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ICXOYMQXSZASZKNNYUB6FWEJHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"52Y3DAU4SBHRHMYASRK7RJLKGY"},"content":"Martin Wolf: Falling fertility rates are one of the biggest challenges facing our world","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"FUBGL3OP3REETPT6FVG4E7PW54","additional_properties":{"_id":1732876398483},"content":"Arguably, women and men who decide not to have children are making an entirely rational choice in a society that is not set up to support them; one that continues to be structured as though for every child, there’s one parent at home full-time – without putting any of the supports in place to make that possible. A €1,000 or a €30,000 baby bonus won’t address the climate crisis or buy you a house. It won’t even arrange to pick your child up at 2.10pm when your working day doesn’t finish until 5.30pm. And until those things are no longer an issue, fertility rates will continue to fall. No amount of bribes or Musk fretting about mass extinction is going to make a difference.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jennifer O'Connell"}},"name":"Jennifer O'Connell"}]},"description":{"basic":"The pronatalist movement has roots in creepy tradwife visions, but does that matter if it leads to financial supports for families?"},"display_date":"2024-11-30T07:10:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Look out ladies. Elon Musk has plans for your womb","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"GDDVRKAAAM4GFWF4AJ7GSFIBBM","auth":{"1":"117d82d5220f3bc696c6fe7e06d22fdd0fec3744a1fe781a6a3a3e6c23b4436f"},"focal_point":{"x":4459,"y":1356},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/GDDVRKAAAM4GFWF4AJ7GSFIBBM.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Opinion"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/opinion/2024/11/30/jennifer-oconnell-look-out-ladies-elon-musk-has-plans-for-your-womb/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/opinion","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Opinion"}}}},{"_id":"2EV3G3DV5FGYNGFTCE4WTSBRZI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/seamas-oreilly-my-little-boy-is-the-same-age-now-as-i-was-when-my-mother-died/","content_elements":[{"_id":"3IMIZ6K3KNAELO6YSIH7RDHWF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132837},"content":"Be careful what you put on social media, or you might just go viral and end up with a whole new career, as author, Observer columnist and now dad of two, Séamas O’Reilly discovered when he replied to a tweet asking “what’s the worst day you ever had at work?”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WQISOTYRFBCR5NVOHOQMXZIJAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132838},"content":"In the latest episode of Conversations with Parents, Séamas who has 10 siblings, (or ‘10 siblings!’ as Tommy Bowe might say) talks to Jen Hogan about serving drinks to President Mary McAleese, aged 18, while being under the influence of an illegal substance. And how 80 million views, and a mention in the New York Times, later he was able to quit a job he didn’t like and take up writing for a living.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZKCHHQNBYRGVNBAWHJPGP52ZWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132839},"content":"The author of the award winning, Did Ye Hear Mammy Died?, shares his experiences of growing up in a large family, having lots of teenage sisters at the one time, and coping with the loss of his mother when he was just five years old, leaving his father to raise 11 children alone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KTBW3SEPRBEG3AMD47TO3JG7FM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132840},"content":"As Séamas’s own son reaches the same age Séamas was when his mother died, he reflects on how his experience of bereavement at such a young age has affected his parenting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NKOWTBVYTNGOLNGCJG4CVM5M5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132841},"content":"“My son, just about three months ago, he turned the same age that I was when my mum died. I don’t know what kind of sadist mathematician in me ever made me work it out, but I worked it out sometime and I had it in a calendar”, he explains, discussing how this milestone has given him a new insight into and appreciation of just how small he was when he lost his mother.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PWA276UXX5D2JCLAE4UPX76KJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132842},"content":"Plus, how do you cope when you’re an Irishman whose children support the English football team? What are Séamas’ takes on modern parenting phenomena? Would he consider having a large family himself? And do kids really say the darnedest things?","type":"text"},{"_id":"HGMKIL2NIJD67GEH22X5QRXMUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132843},"content":"You can listen to this episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above. Or listen to Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3XLBSRLGFZFCBGKUNYMHZDRNWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732540132844},"content":"And if you’d like to get in touch with the show, you can email us at <a href=\"mailto:parentspod@irishtimes.com\" target=\"_blank\">parentspod@irishtimes.com</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-26T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Séamas O’Reilly: ‘My little boy is the same age now as I was when my mother died’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"ANGJ6TAD3ZEHFFLO4ZNAXEPVGQ","auth":{"1":"50164b2f8bd5c79ea663cedb270c09ab3f451db3370ecec44d623f89c05ad715"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/ANGJ6TAD3ZEHFFLO4ZNAXEPVGQ.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2345.405333,"episodeTitle":"The award-winning writer on grief, big families and *that* famous catchphrase","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/6744ad1cc11fbabc61b49c73.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/seamas-oreilly-my-little-boy-is-the-same-age-now-as-i-was-when-my-mother-died/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"O37AIYJ6AFH67ATVMFV5JRK66Y","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":463,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/295f9bd8-5a17-4a62-b1b3-b193718aa3ae/versions/1731580540/media/445aadab989a2c30f55f8787e270b104_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/ireland/education/2024/11/26/parents-were-apprehensive-the-school-where-risky-play-is-on-the-timetable/","content_elements":[{"_id":"MWRUOKOLWVGVVJXC7DR5GBAA3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565929},"content":"Imagine a school where children are allowed to climb trees and scale walls in the school grounds and then come downhill at speed on scooters. Well, that’s exactly what happens at Slane National School, Co Meath, where teachers Ruth Collins and Lorna Murphy have introduced adventurous play into the school day for all pupils.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6NE4IQGYE5DJVLHNYIJ3WJNH6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565930},"content":"“We started by bringing small groups of junior infants out to look for plants and to rake up leaves in the autumn, and later developed an outdoor play area with a mud kitchen, sand pit, wigwam and a tunnel with grass over it to roll down,” says Collins.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RK3AEGIGHBC6XPCUECWEA53GVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565931},"content":"Once the birch trees in the school grounds became strong enough to bear the weight of the children, the teachers allowed them to climb the trees during play time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RUIA7MWWV5F4LNBN6TWILACGBI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565932},"content":"“It was all in a very controlled manner, but there have been fewer accidents since we started,” says Murphy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EXPXSAQ73ZGNPIXIL5JJLCKIHA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565933},"content":"As part of the process, teachers asked the schoolchildren what extra equipment they would like in the playground.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NQOQIHLGINCJZDW4MFP5RBEPYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565934},"content":"“We got all kinds of suggestions like a swimming pool with water slides,” says Collins. “But most of them wanted a treehouse on stilts with a fireman’s pole, a ladder and a climbing wall, which was then funded by the parents’ association.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VTJUURV7LZG3ZKESOIWEC6AO7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565935},"content":"While one or two parents questioned the wisdom of such outdoor play, teachers at Slane National School were widely supported by their principal and the wider school community.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DMKZ2FYDVB5RGWFPVN5EHJ3AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565936},"content":"“In fact, parents tell us that they hear more about what goes on at school because the children are outside,” says Murphy. “They are so engaged with their outdoor activities that there aren’t any behavioural issues when they come back indoors.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQAHOQBQUFA67LDMSNSMLVE4C4","additional_properties":{"_id":"WPKLDKXHNJBAZGGKNMX73PLPHE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"LVU57LXLABD3ZMG7BT2KMU4QYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565937},"content":"Outdoor activities are either linked to the school curriculum, led by the teachers, or involve child-led play, where children learn to negotiate the space they share with others.","type":"text"},{"_id":"746XF3FW3FCRRPAZIURQOISSFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565938},"content":"In Slane National School, junior and senior infants children have wet gear and Wellington boots as part of their uniform for outdoor play in all weathers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53FP4KQGDBBB5D7IY4PNPD4OUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565939},"content":"Collins and Murphy are part of a small group of teachers who are introducing children to outdoor activities that give them experiences of height, speed and the use of so-called dangerous tools.","type":"text"},{"_id":"L4FXEHJXINCTXKVYZZJ4PABLLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565940},"content":"The new primary school curriculum encourages playful experiences – both teacher-led and child-led outdoor play – for all primary schoolchildren.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BFZX7NQMBZEZHKCXPXZIBEOQBY","additional_properties":{"_id":"I2YELRBTJRHCLPVROCZHC2W7GQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"K3VQMFHKFJHGHI7FZKH73HV5UY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565941},"content":"Rachel Rafferty – on a career break in New Zealand – taught third-class boys in Scoil Phádraig Cúil an tSúdaire in Portarlington, Co Laois, from 2018 to 2022.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3IE7XWZD6FHWJO5RJQ5GN4F3KU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565942},"content":"“This was my first job after my undergraduate degree ... and I noticed that the children weren’t really engaged in the environment, despite being within walking distance of the woods,” says Rafferty.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CZ4G6PY6VJC5TDHYYGSZZFXNBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565943},"content":"So she started bringing the boys for “thematic learning sessions” in the local woods. “Some of them were apprehensive to begin with due to their lack of exposure to the outdoors but, after a few weeks, it became a normal learning environment,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4F6JKW22EZFSPODESIQNFB54KQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565945},"content":"Thematic learning is an approach that amalgamates different subjects – such as science, art, literacy and mathematics – into a holistic learning experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GGTACGSM4VDHZN3SAYI6PBB5VA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565946},"content":"Rafferty quickly began to realise that children who rarely put up their hands in class or those who struggled to make eye contact became the ones who were most engaged in the outdoor setting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HZQNACJT3RH7BJJ3HDYRIJLPAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565947},"content":"“They would run up to me with questions,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBGRJWJHNJHZ3I7EHH4XPJUO7A","additional_properties":{"_id":"33J7K2HDDVBZRFJXX4XWUUUIYM"},"content":"‘How do we grow if we don’t take chances?’: Letting children take risks is terrifying but beneficial","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OMXEU5Y7A5D7JKZ6T6JGMNONCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565948},"content":"Rafferty went on to do a master’s in outdoor learning at DCU in which she developed the links between competencies of learner identity (choice, teamwork, leadership, reflection, and so on) and learning outdoors.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TBG7NY5B55FH5JITVSQUMXKM5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565949},"content":"“I would always design my lessons so that children could develop these competences,” she says. “So, for example, we studied Stone Age tools and children were put into groups to make tools out of what was on the forest floor, each with a different role as manager, designer, builder.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XDLOZVJHX5CZTLFOXW4TC32VVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"OOFMU3LPPFFLLAQQCSZGD4HRUM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"HXBCHXSCJNB65AGUJVY6K5OCJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565950},"content":"Dr Orla Kelly, associate professor in social, environmental and scientific education at DCU’s institute of education, would like to see outdoor adventurous play for children built into teacher education programmes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66M7P364GBGWFHFT4ASEZ4ZDQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565951},"content":"“Giving children opportunities to be in situations where they have to navigate and assess risk helps build their resilience and self confidence,” she says. “These are challenging forms of play which are exciting but can make them a bit nervous too so it’s important to engage with children where they are at themselves.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6AJ7O3HSFBBPTEPI4LAL2LXAII","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565952},"content":"She says that as a society we have become more risk averse and children often don’t have the same access to adventurous or risky play that previous generations did.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KSN5362E2JCBDP3MAVF7LWFQDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565953},"content":"“So, it’s important that schools can build it in with resources, materials and guidance for teachers,” says Kelly.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E4TEOHKVIFCF7CEAFDE4VZKOSA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565954},"content":"She admits that some teachers can be a bit reticent about doing this. “Most primary schoolteachers aren’t experienced in this sort of adventurous/risky play as it only makes up a little – if any – of their initial teacher education and they are unlikely to see it on placement either,” she says. “So, they may not have the competence and confidence to adopt it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4M4FG7X5K5DXZOSPQOKXZQIBAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565955},"content":"Parents, too, can be apprehensive. “Some think a little bit is good to do as long as it isn’t taking away from the children’s learning,” says Kelly. “There is still a sense that play is not real learning. Other parents think it is okay as long as it’s not too wet or too cold outside.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW6N25XBXJGWJJTQLS5JHKGQQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565956},"content":"Tomas Aylward, a lecturer in outdoor education at Munster Technological University, is a strong advocate of outdoor learning and adventurous play for all children, especially those with physical disabilities who, he says, are “often wrapped in cotton wool because the care ethic is greater than the educational ethic”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53J4DSTQHREIBJJIWPZXU6M6TI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565957},"content":"“Risky play is very important for society, and there are consequences if we don’t have it,” says Aylward. “I experience this in the 18-19-year-olds at university who haven’t had risky experiences in childhood. They then engage in risky activities – drugs, alcohol, sex and antisocial behaviour – without filters. And we end up with less capable young citizens.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"342XFWNVIVFC7F7XQRM4VT7ZXM","additional_properties":{"_id":"3VN5CKPGZRD43DTVZONUN2WO4Y"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"KL7EXW3I3NB5RDAP2ZFKMWG5GE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565958},"content":"He recounts an outdoor learning experience with five-year-old children from Ardfert National School in Co Kerry as an example of teacher-led learning.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LASBI4UMHJFI5DJWI3MSMJDLCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565959},"content":"We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, the classic children’s picture book, is the story of a family outing in which everyone has to navigate their way through a field, a river, a muddy swamp, a snowstorm, and so on, repeating courageously “we’re not scared” before approaching each obstacle.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ULXHP2RIXNGGBFRMPOUWY37UXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565960},"content":"Aylward says the children enacted the book with wood, grass, a cave and a tarpaulin as the river as a way of teaching “prepositional language”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7N6G7IXUNBZ5OTF46PO7SBU3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565961},"content":"“The children embodied the experience and became more self-directed, focused and engaged in their learning through these activities,” he says. “Parents who insulate their children from risky activities prevent them from making small micro-decisions about risk-taking. There is a dignity that comes with taking risks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O7FAW2QIENGXTGHOSADJZKZCIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565963},"content":"He refers teachers to the book, Adventurous Learning: A Pedagogy for a Changing World by Mike Brown and Simon Beames, which explores how authenticity (something real that children can interact with), mastery (how they can improve their skills), agency (with self-directed choices) and uncertainty need to be incorporated.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OPLD2UXP2JCATLGWRJZKYH4HZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565964},"content":"“The uncertainty is the catalyst and the key element as not being 100 per cent sure what will happen is good for human beings,” says Alyward. “The challenge now is that children’s lives are so engaged with screens that we have to help them find other connections to place – in the school grounds or in their local communities.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VA6C7G25NRE2FHXGFPN6R7AB3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731520565966},"content":"“For example, doing rubbings of old grave stones to find when people passed away and researching these names or connecting with what’s on their local beach. Start local and help them feel a connection to their locality and bring that into outdoor learning and risky play.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PI5ZAPFIB5BQHI2EPNR56JDR4U","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Sylvia Thompson"}},"name":"Sylvia Thompson"}]},"description":{"basic":"Some teachers believe climbing trees and other outdoor self-directed controlled risk-taking are crucial for fostering self-confidence and resilience"},"display_date":"2024-11-26T06:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Parents were apprehensive’: the school where ‘risky’ play is on the timetable ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5DX35TALUBE45JWTNNA2CHGYWE","auth":{"1":"fb1f4be8811e0137254ce4734ba36de9b2a4a707e95a5d466d69d67fbc85f366"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5DX35TALUBE45JWTNNA2CHGYWE.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Education"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Ireland"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/ireland/education/2024/11/26/parents-were-apprehensive-the-school-where-risky-play-is-on-the-timetable/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/ireland/education","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Education"}}}},{"_id":"NFSA7XWOSFBZRJU5JVYHJ23JUA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":285,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/7a3d50dc-bd53-416e-9f4b-e80d6cebd339/versions/1732287045/media/7b77c34bf7c83ae555e6c483e0f102bd_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/25/what-do-children-know-or-understand-of-life-and-political-issues/","content_elements":[{"_id":"PD53DN7GYNH4VDHPCPTH2GUZ34","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135758},"content":"I put the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/christmas/\" target=\"_blank\">Christmas </a>tree up last week. It is undoubtedly one of adulthood’s greatest joys – being able to throw caution to the wind and make an informed decision to put the Christmas tree up in the middle of November.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O6VRMJW3DZC47O4AVI3CUHZRJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135759},"content":"In fact, there are probably few things quite as empowering as plugging in the fairy lights when others think it’s far too soon for such festive nonsense, but you feel the fear and do it anyway. Because you’re a rebel without a pause, or if you prefer, an adult making grown-up decisions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BV3MTQD6EJGVBJ5B5E4YY6MDWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135760},"content":"And each evening since, I’ve sat on the couch, basking in the glory and calm of its festive glow. Except for that brief period on day two when all the lights in the mid-section decided to stop working, in spite of – or perhaps even to spite, as some Grinch-like characters suggested – my expert and precision tree light and decoration placing endeavours the night before.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CVWK7A5DSBC65D2XTHNPY2HUIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732388933883},"content":"“The little lights are not twinkling, Clark,” played on repeat in my head, until I opened the laptop and ordered new ones, so as to ease the eye twitch that had suddenly developed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MH7Q2VYHPNHQHITR55WB2K2X3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135761},"content":"And peace was restored to the Hogan galaxy as the tree was stripped and lights replaced and I found myself thinking once again how great it is to be an adult, albeit through gritted teeth this time.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RAZZNDIZ5JACLM55ESYSLV3B2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135762},"content":"I couldn’t wait to be an adult. As my 18th birthday approached, I looked forward to being able to (legally!) drink alcohol and not worry about being refused entry to a club or the student bar. Like <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/nadine-coyle/\" target=\"_blank\">Nadine Coyle</a> herself, I had perfected reciting my birthdate, though I wish I’d thought of adding ‘making me a Sagittarius’ to the end. Just to be more convincing, like.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SQD5IXTVNJCZJLGCCPH5ER2HNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135763},"content":"I was looking forward, too, to being in charge of my own life – well as much as anyone can when they’re still in the ‘as long you’re living under my roof, you’ll follow my rules’ regime that goes with continuing to reside in the family home. And, dare I admit it, I was looking forward to being able to vote. Yes, having a vote was indeed something 18-year-old me was very excited about. What can I say? I was just born cool.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPT7VFQSQFEFNEQJO6LZHSL5UQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135764},"content":"And I don’t know why this was so important to me. I came from a house where voting was not a priority. “They’re all the same,” I’d hear on a regular basis. And “same” was not meant in a complimentary way. I knew which way they’d likely vote, had they been inclined to cast their votes. But still it remained a fixation and a priority for me, even when I was a lone voter in the house.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZFQUYEGIVFL3CUJFXF2MKHMNU","additional_properties":{"_id":"MIXXRSHAMBE6ZB2OPWBGQYIWEA"},"content":"Parents’ group criticises closure of hundreds of schools to facilitate general election","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ZLNWYFDSNZDMFER56BOMMAXEUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135765},"content":"That didn’t change when some of my children became young adults themselves. Taking no chances that they’d be too caught up with school, homework, or general apathy towards the whole thing, I took it upon myself to put them on the register. And I am she who prods on voting day, lest anyone become complacent about actually voting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IIE2HRQZUZESPI77U43KADL3X4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135766},"content":"For two here, it will be their first<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/election2024/\" target=\"_blank\"> general election</a>. And curiosity has peaked. “Have you decided yet who you’re voting for?” one idealist asks me on a regular basis, ready to both challenge and consider. He knows what his priorities are, but he hasn’t yet had a chance to put them to any candidates because, at the time of writing, none have come knocking to our door. But his eagerness to engage convinces me of something I have thought for a while now: there would be great value in reducing the voting age to 16.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HS2QTAGQLNERPC4ECAWOMWOYOM","additional_properties":{"_id":"O4K5WYHLZBG2BGZNW46CTVMR3M"},"content":"‘Be an adult’ we tell our older teenagers but the Irish school system treats them like children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"N35OZDUG25CXFMZQC2DP5ERUW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135767},"content":"What do children know or understand of life and political issues?","type":"text"},{"_id":"BX6N2N3JTRC73A3W4WSH5NAZ3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135768},"content":"Well, it is they who are sitting in schools who can’t get teachers. It is they who struggle to access mental health services and are waiting unforgivable amounts of time on assessments of needs. It is they who struggle to get places in special schools that can support their needs. They who are in pain on scoliosis waiting lists. They who are seeing child poverty rates increase. They who can’t access the therapies and supports they need. They who are living in homelessness. They who are more likely to affected by climate change. They who are facing the uncertainty of ever being able to afford their own home. They who were disproportionately impacted by Covid restrictions, with little consideration for the wider impacts. And even they whose schools will be closed for the third time this year, so that they can be used as polling stations.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7EG4HDIXQJDCFLAZE2FFWZPUPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1732280135769},"content":"So, quite a lot it seems. If only they’d the chance to be heard. And be prioritised.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Quite a lot, if only they had the chance to be heard – and reducing the voting age to 16 would give them that voice"},"display_date":"2024-11-25T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"What do children know or understand of life and political issues?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"W6M2QOVALRC3ZL3RDEMDNJY5WU","auth":{"1":"f437932e7d0329e47c415ec3fc8d1fe2be807572906a4ebe0964a001a8893967"},"focal_point":{"x":3042,"y":2157},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/W6M2QOVALRC3ZL3RDEMDNJY5WU.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/25/what-do-children-know-or-understand-of-life-and-political-issues/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"B32PJRO5FZGG3EGH5MMHTPULPQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":795,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/63ae627b-f5c8-4a1c-a681-e17c81c3d499/versions/1732034279/media/f17ced4ca3b680370c6d4b7923c7638b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/24/autism-why-are-so-many-children-being-diagnosed-these-days/","content_elements":[{"_id":"UYNLJQFEENGQNDRTMDSRMKWW3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797983},"content":"When Lára Ní Riain began teaching almost 20 years ago, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autism</a> was still seen as a relatively rare condition.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZCIXECV4S5CFNFHWDHDRDKEXBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797984},"content":"There were no special classes or special-needs assistants (SNAs) at her school. Studies at the time suggested the prevalence of autism in Ireland was somewhere around seven in 1,000 schoolchildren.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IWF7O3YV3ZHJLBK6TIQN2TIS7Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797985},"content":"Today, her school has seven SNAs as well as an autism-specific class for children with more complex needs. Studies now suggest as many as one in 20 schoolchildren may have autism or a similar developmental issue.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YGGFBBGCR5DKJHG7SWGYIPUFWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797986},"content":"“Children are being diagnosed earlier now,” says Ní Riain. “It’s not about labelling students. Nowadays, knowledge is power — it’s about accessing all the support and expertise they require to give them the best chance at their education.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WDH25KZN2FGNTOUTYHXKW62MFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797987},"content":"So, why are so many more children being diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders compared with 20 years ago?","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5K33X42FJG7RM6SAW4ZGSGW24","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797988},"content":"The latest official estimate on autism prevalence in Ireland was gathered in 2022 by the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/national-council-for-special-education/\" target=\"_blank\">National Council for Special Education</a>, which collects data on the number of children who require teaching support.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WAZEUCGZORFX5FQXKXQZCUTF34","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797989},"content":"It indicates there was a <a href=\"https://ncse.ie/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/Inclusive-Education-for-an-Inclusive-Society.pdf%20\" target=\"_blank\">prevalence rate of 3.4 per cent</a> among schoolchildren, a significant change from the previous estimate of just under 1.6 per cent four years earlier.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YHSGGVSLXZHMFIG4JWP7ISHKHA","additional_properties":{"_id":"KPQFIJYRKFGWFPLWHWUAWDUHQA"},"content":"Sharp increase in autism to require thousands of additional special needs places in schools","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"FW3HFEOHE5A45MFP22THWILEYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797990},"content":"In Northern Ireland, the estimates are higher still. Health authorities reported in 2023 that 5 per cent, or one in 20 schoolchildren, had a diagnosis of autism. It is more than four times as many as 15 years ago — and one of the highest rates recorded in the world.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OFGULFL4SNHA7K7XS3CMIMHQGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797991},"content":"On the face of it, the surge in autism looks alarming and has sparked a series of unfounded claims that vaccines or other environmental factors may be at play.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TFECJC2LCJCCDIYDN4AHSDJLBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156168},"content":"Increases in diagnoses, however, have been a feature of autism for almost as long as it was first described as a recognised condition by Dr Leo Kanner in the United States in 1943.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BG4EZAGHNVHS5I5ST7OQKACFUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156169},"content":"So, too, have discredited theories behind the cause of the condition, such as “refrigerator” or emotionally cold mothers and, more recently, Andrew Wakefield’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/news/health/mmr-vaccine-in-the-dock-verdict-not-guilty-1.1089405\" target=\"_blank\">unfounded claims</a> of a link with the MMR vaccine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KDNXRZTERJEGRKEFE47EOFBFIE","additional_properties":{"_id":"LZVDUNHEIFHELEJ73QUJVMURXE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"SCIVI7OWVJCQXFXM57UGN3QIFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797992},"content":"Most experts today agree that the exponential rise is chiefly down to greater awareness, deeper understanding of the condition and ever-wider assessment boundaries for autism.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CE4OHITBVVAFJF6CUW4JVJTB7A","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156172},"content":"“There is absolutely no evidence to suggest there is an epidemic of autism,” says Prof Emer Ring, dean of education at Mary Immaculate College in Limerick and author of a recent book on the development of special education in Ireland over the past 100 years. “It’s a no-brainer that as you broaden diagnostic criteria you will have more children with autism.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5VXE67ZPOZGO5COU3O2U2YY5DE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797995},"content":"Some of the confusion around autism is undoubtedly linked to the complexity of the condition.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7OIS6PC25DPFFZ3DA7IURR6YY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839535},"content":"There is no medical test or biological marker for autism. Today, it is regarded as a developmental disability which influences how a person communicates with and relates to other people and how they make sense of the world. It is also regarded as a spectrum condition, as it affects people in different ways and to varying degrees.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NFURHU5CSNGYVOACHJQVNEZCXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797996},"content":"Prof Malcolm MacLachlan of Maynooth University, who had studied the prevalence of autism in the Republic, agrees that changes in the criteria used to diagnose a person are key to the increased prevalence of autism.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PQRE542UKVHMBKZQOZU4KREOYU","additional_properties":{"_id":"2YFVYFFXC5H7XAIEH45QSUMW5E"},"content":"I received an autism diagnosis at 34 and sat quietly with it in some discomfort","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"7MBY2UOQNVAKPNTUX3AMWW6FDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797997},"content":"Asperger’s syndrome, for example, was removed as a diagnosis in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders — often referred to as “psychiatry’s bible” — in 2013 and has been integrated into a broader diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBXVPKXV4JHP3OB7ZBAJNUZNNI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797998},"content":"“There used to be ridiculously strict criteria,” MacLachlan says. “For instance, it used to be that you had to have detected autism before the 30th month of life — now you can detect it at any time. There’s also now a move away from ‘you have it or you don’t’ categories to a more dimensional approach that allows people to have more ‘severe’ or less ‘severe’ behaviours or experiences.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOHZV5HLHZFYDOI4GEWLKJKMC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454797999},"content":"Shifting boundaries encompass a wide range of people for whom autism would never have been considered as a possible diagnosis, especially women and girls. The consequent awareness has led to large numbers of adults seeking medical referrals to explain differences they may have been aware of since childhood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LPUBDBJ3FBZ3BEFC7ZEFXITOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454798001},"content":"Another factor, say many, is the neurodiversity movement of the late 1990s and early 2000s, which drove huge changes in identification, fighting stigma and redefining autism as an identity rather than a disease.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NLGT7OV3AVD3BFNKM2PX4THSYE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731454798002},"content":"More controversial, meanwhile, is a belief that a diagnosis can unlock access to improved services or supports. A government report in 2018 on autism prevalence pointed out that, in many countries — including Ireland — a diagnosis of autism gives children greater access to a special school or special class.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5OCTP722TZAN5PUKYD6B33COV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1732027402343},"content":"“This benefit makes clinicians more likely to diagnose a child with autism, even those who are on the borderline of the clinical criteria,” the report notes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T45DC7H35KYIPIMTVM3L3LMQAM","additional_properties":{"_id":"6MPH2LIIJ5FHZFKWGOJKZ46SZI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"2BTIZB3NKFAS7MPOR3KFIQ73A4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839543},"content":"For campaigners, the increase in prevalence is a positive development. <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adam-harris/\" target=\"_blank\">Adam Harris</a>, chief executive of autism charity AsIAm, says a diagnosis is “vital to self-understanding, self-esteem and self-advocacy and enables an autistic person and their family to understand their support needs and have their rights vindicated by government and broader society.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVK27STIDVAYNCAEVO4ECY3Z44","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839544},"content":"“It is clear that increased diagnosis of autism must lead to increased funding and more effective forward planning for autism-specific services,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYDI6PGYZRA6XLF7BJYN3TWQRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731927839545},"content":"The dramatic increase in autism begs another question: where were all these children in the classroom of days gone by? Some were segregated within the system, institutionalised or, at worst, classed “ineducable”; others simply had different labels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BEL4OCLXW5ATFC62NRGWFR6LUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1732295156187},"content":"Ring points to the work of Dorothy Bishop, a prominent British psychologist, whose research has examined how in adulthood some individuals with language problems were retrospectively found to have shown signs of autism as children, even if they were not diagnosed at the time. Her work, says Ring, highlights the complexity and variability in diagnosing autism, especially in individuals with subtle symptoms.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EOTWFVFAFVCP5D746GUZVS52IU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440294},"content":"As for the underlying causes of autism, there is growing evidence which suggests that certain genes contribute to it. Autism can run in families and experts have put its “heritability” at about <a href=\"https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/article-abstract/2737582\">80 per cent</a>, or about as heritable as height or eye colour. The condition may also be explained by rare but powerful mutations that occur at random and are unrelated to genes that run in families. There is less convincing evidence around other risk factors, such as low birth weight or older parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7V7NW4FKYVEX3B3QFD4F6BHG7E","additional_properties":{"_id":"5PHYWF2KWJBLVCZJZ5PSJV3H5U"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"TPVXOJC5VNENLARVL5JJJVFNNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440295},"content":"What is certain, however, is that rates are rising, which will have profound implications for how the State meets the needs of young people, especially, in education and health services.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLRZBPOH7VF3NDT7NLBRAZFQ3A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440296},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/health-service-executive/\" target=\"_blank\">Health Service Executive</a> services, however, are creaking. Under the Disability Act (2005), health authorities are required to complete an assessment of a child within six months.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XE4IXJ42W5FOLJAPEPAYYITRUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440297},"content":"Yet, according to records obtained by The Irish Times, there are about 13,000 children with disabilities waiting for an “initial contact” — which can be anything from a phone call explaining services or setting agreed goals — by health services. Of these, more than 9,000 — or two out of three — are waiting for more than 12 months.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PCRXOJ2GOVCRLJ4DCNRN4RG3IM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440298},"content":"Parents, professionals and other stakeholders say that in many cases children are waiting several years for any meaningful contact. Yet, experts agree early intervention is vital to securing positive outcomes for children during their preschool and early-school years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"INYSWLAU2NFNLM7FOVVRB6YCQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440299},"content":"MacLachlan says long waits for access to vital therapeutic services can have “catastrophic” long-term consequences for children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EYPNZTJG3VGYHP3LZN6NYXXRVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440300},"content":"“If a child is going through a critical developmental period and they don’t get the right critical interventions, the consequences may not just be a delay in that developmental stage, it may be a long-term loss of opportunity to develop particular skills,” he says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EOGLELDZMFCL5IYXYRIJCZZTP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440301},"content":"Education services, too, are struggling. In the last five years alone, almost 1,700 special classes have been opened and eleven new special schools opened. Yet, many parents are unable to find appropriate school places — such as special classes or schools — to meet their children’s assessed needs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"45UUDACOWVH6HNAOQUNESAMG3I","additional_properties":{"_id":"GALOY5M255EWPJZQG3Z62WJKJI"},"content":"‘I believe my nephew may have ADHD or autism, but his parents won’t discuss it’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"27KZJHR3WBERZF4JFSPPVNUNBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440302},"content":"Latest figures show there are more than 8,000 children enrolled in special schools and a further 11,000 pupils in special classes in mainstream schools, or 3 per cent of the overall student population. This is projected to climb to 5 per cent by the end of this decade, based on current trends.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5PDP6C4WFRBHLK3K3BRJCF3EPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440303},"content":"Harris says the next government must take decisive actions to support the autistic community.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SK4NVJMY7JCMZNQQRHJARQ7MMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440304},"content":"“Autistic people continue to face pervasive barriers in day-to-day life in Ireland, from receiving timely assessment and therapeutic support to accessing school, to participating in the community and securing employment,” he says. “The barriers which our community face place enormous costs on our community, which in turn impact on health and wellbeing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"32TKIRJD25CPVKTF6K62FAEZQ4","additional_properties":{"_id":"YKPKWMI7HFH7RH3QFS2XIECJCA"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"JFV23GFPQNH7ROE27DDHSHXMXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440305},"content":"In the longer term, the National Council for Special Education has urged that we move towards a “fully inclusive” school system where all students — regardless of their conditions — would be educated in mainstream schools.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6JKAUTIHJD7NM2MYLS7K345OE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440306},"content":"The council says such a goal would involve significant challenges, such as reassuring parents of the benefits of an inclusive education system, increasing access to psychological and therapeutic supports and boosting training for teaching staff.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UKMXDU5ZWFGRNPRCNAO7QUWCEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440307},"content":"Ring agrees that this is the way forward, especially a school system where therapeutic supports — such as speech and language therapy — are delivered in the school itself.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S523OUFUYJEDFM2JW6S7Q6W6QY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440308},"content":"“Special education cannot advance in isolation,” she says. “It must be a key element of our education, health, social, culture and economic policy. We need all the organs of the State working together.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XASXR7D4VRHPBL2ARVKVNYDL5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440309},"content":"For now, it is a pipe dream. In Dublin 15, where pressure is most acute for appropriate school places, school principals would settle for basic supports.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HINFGU5HZDUBIMBZXAJTMDTTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440310},"content":"Principals across 37 primary schools in the area estimate that more than 100 children with autism and other conditions are struggling in their mainstream school placements.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QSYQNTRT6BGJPCHQC2BUANQUCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440311},"content":"“Without adequate supports, these placements will most likely negatively impact the wellbeing and mental health of these students, the health and safety to peers and school personnel and ultimately put the student’s school placement at risk,” a report prepared by the Dublin 15 Primary Principals’ Network states.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LIYCXY7D6JFHXA5W7K4AAURC7E","additional_properties":{"_id":"CVTHF3WS3FCY7H3ZPJAND5FKZ4"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"CV2UHEGGKFCS3HQNEHW2L6QU34","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440313},"content":"Ní Riain says while supports at her school have increased over recent years and great strides have been made, there are real challenges accessing therapeutic services which are vital to help vulnerable children reach their full potential.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TTK4YYCOUBC45JJFYWBYQYC4CM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440314},"content":"“That’s a huge challenge,” she says. “When you have a student with complex needs, you can do all training you want, but it can be difficult to access outside support ... I spend a lot of my time tormenting parents, getting them to fill in the same forms for different services. You are looking at five-year waiting lists. Even where families have the opportunity to go private, there’s usually still a waiting list.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2DBGK6BJZVEQLHCWRAMOQY4CGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440315},"content":"If there were multidisciplinary teams linked up with schools, she says, it would be a far more efficient use of resources.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NIAKFDCLNVGATC6HH4CDVAJI7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440316},"content":"Ultimately, for all the talk about autism prevalence rates and diagnoses, it shouldn’t matter; she says services for children should be based on their individual needs.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JMTV4BGXZVG2VFFTHPELMHD5RE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731488440317},"content":"“If you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve only met one child with autism. Every learner is unique — all their needs are unique,” she says. “It’s very much about the relationship, getting to know the student. You do need to look beyond the disability or diagnosis. We’ve come a long way, with all children attending the same school [instead of being segregated]. That means the world to children and their parents.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4LFJOGUUQZDE3HJI3I3IZUPALU","additional_properties":{"_id":"U55ESH5BBFFV3IMAQVUMTSBELQ"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-9491","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Carl O'Brien"}},"name":"Carl O'Brien"}]},"description":{"basic":"As many as one in 20 schoolchildren in Ireland may have autism or similar developmental issues, studies suggest"},"display_date":"2024-11-24T06:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Autism: Why are so many children being diagnosed these days?","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"UIMK45KN7ZAOBMRH2I7XHBA42E","auth":{"1":"d0486207e9f7573cc8e316a58e94d830d3c032d43f22492abff171fca08a400c"},"focal_point":{"x":4173,"y":1914},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/UIMK45KN7ZAOBMRH2I7XHBA42E.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"People"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/24/autism-why-are-so-many-children-being-diagnosed-these-days/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"3P54726FF5A25KJZHIFLCG7EPQ","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":996,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/6f043c9b-15f0-4cf3-a1da-686b6980f563/versions/1731408621/media/a1a38e6ee762738810be6cfcc230489d_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/23/cutting-off-family-members-it-had-never-occurred-to-me-that-you-could-grieve-somebody-who-was-still-alive/","content_elements":[{"_id":"S6Y32FX6ENAB7LM6H66UGN5UDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747152},"content":"When we think about romantic relationships becoming serious, we often focus on the joyful things: the excitement of moving in together, the fun of dreaming up your ideal wedding, the sense of peace and safety that comes with coming home to a loving partner every night. There are <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\">stressful things</a> too, of course. For Diane, meeting her husband was a life-changing experience, but there was one conversation that she dreaded having with her future mother-in-law: revealing that Diane had chosen to have no relationship with her father.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DJUKIPXWGJAD5FWMDVOPVHHP54","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747153},"content":"For Diane, her parents’ relationship had been turbulent and she had little emotional connection to her father, who Diane felt was never interested in her as a person. When Diane’s parents separated when she was a teenager, she was allowed to choose whether or not to see him – and the choice was easy.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3CR623MEL5A5XMOO34EE2P3IRI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747154},"content":"“It sounds so mean to say, but one of the happiest memories I have is when he was out of the house,” says Diane, who is now 33. “I felt like I could finally breathe. So I decided that if I don’t have to see him, I don’t want to. ” Diane’s younger sister still sees their father, who has occasionally reached out to Diane over the years – but his attempts just made Diane feel more certain of her decision.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HBX3BEWW5RB57DDVJCEHJYN5YE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747155},"content":"“He actually reached out before I got married,” says Diane. “He sent me an email, and that made it very easy for me to continue having no contact, because there was no change or recognition for the part he played, and why I decided to have no contact with him. There was a lot of anger and blame on my mom.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2QSZDBQERZDGJK56GCYIT4H5TM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747156},"content":"Diane now works with students, many of whom are estranged from family members, and she thinks it’s important to share her story and her happiness with her decision, because she understands the shame and stigma that can come with family estrangement. The fear of being viewed as dysfunctional or somehow damaged for not having a relationship with a parent can run deep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JBZKJCINRJGXDLQY4J7I6UBUAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747157},"content":"Growing up, Diane was acutely aware of the cultural scripts and stereotypes that can surround young women who don’t have a relationship with their fathers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPIXUYQKXVALBEILLYUALQCRWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747158},"content":"“I used to not talk about it, especially when I was bit younger, because there’s a whole idea of women without father figures, having daddy issues and then being like, maybe a bit promiscuous or ‘crazy’ – there’s a definite stereotype of a girl without a stable father figure in her life. So I used to be really tight-lipped about it, because I didn’t want to become that stereotype.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G2WZQAEMENA75LESBNS73LNJSE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747159},"content":"As Diane had chosen not to see her father, she also feared being judged in a different way: as someone who viewed relationships as disposable. It was this fear of being perceived as flighty or commitment-phobic that made Diane nervous to speak to her partner’s mother about the situation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OXKKSYQWPJHLLIJX7DHRGSNIZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747160},"content":"“I felt like I had to explain to her why I didn’t have a relationship with my dad, and that was that was the most nervous I ever felt about talking to someone about it,” says Diane, “because I didn’t want her to think that I’m someone who walks away from relationships really easily, or, you know, didn’t value fathers. I didn’t want her to feel nervous for her son if he was ever going to have a child with me.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"F6RR635CEFDGJHIGGIOLWX5SFU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747161},"content":"While Diane is now happily married with supportive in-laws, her experience of shame and stigma is common among people who have ended a relationship with a family member – though the silence around this topic may be lifting. While estrangements have always occurred in families, it was often unaddressed and unacknowledged, but there has recently been an increase in social discourse around family estrangement or the decision to go ‘no contact’ with a family member.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RLPJ2TY3UBBNDKZAYFOXCYXMBU","additional_properties":{"_id":"APPVK7LODFHQFNJMFKXEW4UHVM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"625EH7ZBMJFQNAHENCJLRAXUFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747162},"content":"Karl Melvin is a psychotherapist, researcher and author of the book Navigating Family Estrangement<i>. </i>He has spent more than a decade working with adults who are estranged from one or more family members and delivering training to counsellors and social workers who are seeking a comprehensive understanding of complex family issues. Melvin notes that in countries such as the United States where divorce has been legalised for decades, the awareness of alternative family structures has become socially acceptable, but Ireland is only beginning to acknowledge just how many people have chosen to have no relationship with a family member – though the shame and judgment can still persist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IXPAPSOCENEM7C7VLMTW2DFYTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747163},"content":"“We value family,” says Melvin. “Family is incredibly important to how we function, how we view ourselves and view our society. But then if you meet someone whose family status doesn’t conform to those traditional views and values, then it can lead to a person feeling stigmatised, or others treating that person differently. It takes a great deal of wisdom and maturity to be able to look past our own values and family experiences to see that this person made a decision based on something that probably must be very valid. I’ve never seen someone who initiated an estrangement for no reason.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZLI2MMDMCVBHPHTHJRPTBSXHIE","additional_properties":{"_id":"3RXLSWB4ABHF3GUNECQDAUUTOY"},"content":"Ireland’s new dating scene: Finding love the old-fashioned way","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"27CEVSWLQRBOBAOL4PHAK2JLYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747164},"content":"Perhaps an insight into our increasing awareness around family estrangement lies in the modern term “no contact” – both a novelty and definitive boundary in an era where we are constantly contactable. Melvin describes different types of estrangement, including physical estrangement, where people live very far from each other and don’t see each other often. Before mobile phones and email, physical estrangement may have either led to or hidden emotional estrangement, as contact and connection was more difficult. However, now that mobiles, email and social media give us endless ways of connecting with family members, the decision to cut off all contact can be more obvious and noticeable – as is the lack of attempt at reconciliation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASARYIEH3NGJHDF3QSSCP7PMV4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747165},"content":"Fiona is in her 50s and fell out with her brother several years ago, after he started sending insulting and belittling texts to her husband due to differing political beliefs. Fiona describes her brother as having a strong personality. He often made pointed or demeaning “jokes” about others, and he wasn’t used to being challenged or confronted about his hurtful behaviour. When Fiona pushed back, her brother deflected.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GBMLFDYNJBAGHMRM6PJHGTQ4UE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747166},"content":"“I got this Darvo thing they talk about now,” says Fiona, referring to a technique that people can use to avoid accountability. The acronym refers to the process of deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. “It was all thrown back at me. It was all my fault, and a litany of things that I had done wrong over the years. None of it is true. So I blocked him, and I have not heard from him or his wife for nearly three years, and we were all very close.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"A2LHV2MM4FEC7GSGASOG57CZ5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"CH3AB2YLCVC6VKX54FSU3PWOR4"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"IZQQQARG4RECJL7FFWULJUEICY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747167},"content":"For Fiona, cutting off contact was not a decision she made lightly and, as she points out, it’s not a decision she made once, but an ongoing decision she makes again and again. Therapy has helped Fiona feel more comfortable in her decision, but she does sometimes wonder if the ease of blocking a mobile number prevented her from having a more helpful conversation with her brother.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZOXJPVFJBGZZI4GFYAXXN7KLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747168},"content":"“Cutting off contact is a very serious thing to do, and looking back on it now, I wonder if I should have picked the phone up instead of texting, and I should have had a row on the phone. I think texting and all of that has changed the way we connect and disconnect – you can have a row with somebody then block them, and it almost isn’t real.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HWSMPUE3OFCR3BSSXRKXXI4Y5I","additional_properties":{"_id":"L6WC2QI4JJDOPG4QFKMIEQK3CU"},"content":"‘I have not had contact with my siblings for many decades, nor did I attend my parents’ funerals’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HIGHXE3MAFCUHN6TXRNCIT7Z4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747169},"content":"But for Fiona, the deciding factor is that her brother hasn’t tried too hard to get in touch to apologise – something that is more noticeable because of the various avenues of communication available to all of us.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R2A3VPPSYNDLJLRU7DMGE22PBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747170},"content":"“He could write me a letter,” Fiona says. “He knows where I work, and he could show up after work one day or send me an email. That’s just not good enough, you know?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"EW2XD4QWGRHNNEMD7TKUD2MNJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747171},"content":"Fiona says that she experiences cycles of anger, sadness and grief, but the main feeling is loss – not just of her brother and his wife, who Fiona considered a friend, but also of her nephews and nieces.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WJUPEEH5YRG5VC4JATOYJ32IBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747172},"content":"“I have no children of my own, so I would have been very attached to their kids, and seen an awful lot of them when they were small.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IYWESNVZRNBNVFZ25LDBY3P5JM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747173},"content":"This type of secondary estrangement or inherited estrangement is an often overlooked experience, as going no contact with one person can often lead to losing contact with other family members or friends, which can be incredibly difficult for everyone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVNZM3SMLFFTFGGZR7HR6LE53M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747174},"content":"In Melvin’s book, he describes eight different types of estrangement, one of them being inherited estrangement. “We often see this where someone wasn’t talking to their parents, but that person has kids so those kids don’t have a relationship with their grandparents. They have inherited an estrangement, even though nothing happened between them and the grandparents. Secondary estrangements are quite common, and can often start between one or more family members, and then divisions are formed, and often people insist on loyalty on one side over another.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SFAV7WJRPVC3LMOEJ6M2ABVEIU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747175},"content":"This type of inherited estrangement is why Amy has now had no contact with her sister for more than a year. Amy’s sister was saving to buy a house and decided to move back into the family home with her parents – without consulting them. When Amy’s sister arrived home with bags and boxes in tow, her parents wouldn’t let her move back in and a row erupted. Amy’s sister felt rejected and stopped speaking to her parents while they, feeling disrespected and taken for granted, felt that she was the one who needed to apologise. For a while, Amy tried to keep in touch with her sister, but her sister started creating more and more distance. “I think because I didn’t take a side, therefore I didn’t take her side,” says Amy. “Bit by bit, she stopped communicating with me, and will now not respond to me at all, which is quite hurtful.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BXTDL4XXPNF6JJVWZBHWZXG5OE","additional_properties":{"_id":"DKXXXDJIABCNPAIYGBSHTEVBFY"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"WKLB635BEFADLIHDTQNPIITFRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747176},"content":"Amy tried to maintain contact, sending her sister texts here and there – but when Amy’s wedding day came, she felt that her relationship with her sister had reached a Rubicon moment. Her sister did not want to be in the same room as her parents, and so didn’t go to Amy’s wedding. For Amy, this was a huge moment where her sister showed that she was willing to sacrifice their relationship over a fight with her parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XJ2JCCMJINB6VD5TLDJZFSUYSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747177},"content":"“It was quite hard and quite stressful,” says Amy. “My grandmother passed away six months before the wedding, and my sister would have been still talking to me at that time and she was there for the funeral for my granny – but then it was, ‘Oh no, I can’t come to your wedding.’ For me that was a very clear signal as to where the priority was, like ‘you clearly valued my grandmother more than you value your relationship with me’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"PAMSODKBMNDVJFP5WBHWIFEHJI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747178},"content":"Amy has a complicated relationship with the current rise in rhetoric around people going no contact, saying she understands and respects anyone’s decision to create boundaries with people who aren’t good for them, but also points out how binary narratives can create reductive ideas of villains and victims, where it’s assumed that if someone has cut off contact with family members, then their families must be irredeemable or have treated them terribly, when often there are two sides who have hurt the other – and other family members who have just become collateral damage.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WIPYI52NYFEKLPUMAQEGCPJL4U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747179},"content":"“It definitely feels like there’s a good-versus-bad narrative, and ideas of victimhood,” observes Amy. “And it’s maybe not fair on the people involved. You’re not seeing like a whole person and acknowledging that sometimes, it works both ways. ”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZEUEIOEJGZDZVNKDMG7ZAEOSWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747180},"content":"For Ben, binary narratives affected him differently when he went no contact with his brother for more than a year. Ben’s brother Adam had a difficult and emotionally abusive relationship with a woman during his 20s that deeply affected him . But when Adam started dating other women, Ben was alarmed by what he saw as controlling behaviour, including harassing ex-girlfriends and concocting elaborate lies to manipulate women into staying with him. Ben tried his best to provide Adam with emotional support while also telling him that his behaviour was unacceptable, believing that his brother needed <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\">mental health</a> support and to healthily process how his past relationship affected him. But when Adam showed no self-awareness or change in behaviour, Ben eventually felt he had no choice but to step away from the relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TZEMD72MU5B75FEH4OBNPWPZAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747181},"content":"What was difficult for Ben was the sense of blame that he felt for being the disrupter in the family, when Adam’s behaviour was the problem. When society at large and individual families value loyalty over everything else, the person who tries to set boundaries or cuts off contact can often be framed as the troublemaker who is disrupting the family’s peace – an attitude that Ben thinks is particularly pronounced in Ireland, given the country’s history of religious and traditional values.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NT2AMVHVVNBVHPEUKVHDUH5GVE","additional_properties":{"_id":"7KQ2YBSHVFCRXLEVEKF7TYWNQ4"},"content":"Can cutting ties with dysfunctional family members be therapeutic?","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5JJGM5NEG5ETRPTIVZY6OL3AMM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747182},"content":"“The family stuff runs really deep,” says Ben, “We internalise the notion of a family. It’s all about family loyalty, family reconciliation. But what happens when you have to be the conscientious objector? That’s how it was framed, that I was the one causing trouble. How? I’m not harassing anybody! My parents would get very guilt-trippy and like ‘We’re old, my heart could go at any point.’ I’m not the one doing anything wrong, but they’ll do anything for a quiet life.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZW2SHJONINGEZNPEFM4UI752II","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747183},"content":"When families don’t address problematic behaviour or blame those who decide to go no contact with others, it places a burden on the family member who is simply asking for respectful behaviour and accountability, but is treated as the villain. “Your reward is being the outsider,” remarks Ben.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJS4EJVZV5HL5G2ITEDO7WWNRY","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q5PUAPZABVH23N4BKYH6ODLJGM"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"ARCZHLXZXFAJ3H3F2RRI4NAB7M","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747184},"content":"Reconnecting after estrangement can be difficult, but is not impossible. Family therapy can be helpful; having boundaried communication or going “low contact”; or sometimes individual therapy can help individuals come to terms with their relative’s shortcomings and forge a different type of connection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WP7U7G3DQ5EUZAWMAYDIBPWRJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747185},"content":"Corina now lives in Ireland, but emigrated from eastern Europe to America with her mother when she was young. Her parents had broken up when she was five and she was always very close with her mother, but when Corina became a teenager and started asserting her independence, her mother couldn’t cope. Corina’s mother is very religious and when Corina moved away for college and later started dating a woman, her mother would send her long, abusive messages and intensely monitor Corina’s social media. Corina went through periods of going low contact with the mother, blocking her messages for a period just for a reprieve.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G5PH7LCR7RHPDIRBCN65VIDX2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747186},"content":"What made it difficult was that her mother could sometimes be loving and supportive – but the inconsistency meant that her affection didn’t feel safe to trust.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IAWPCIP33ZEZVPUXN62C2ILVKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747187},"content":"“The kindness was the hardest,” says Corina. “It would touch some hope in me about having this relationship with her. When I grieved losing her, I grieved a mother I never had. It had never occurred to me that you could grieve somebody who was still alive. That’s one of the hardest things for people who are in this situation, is that it’s not a socially recognised form of grief.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AEFIIAVS3ZGZPKG4YYFRCXXVGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747188},"content":"Over the past few years, Corina has got back in touch with her mother, something that she says has only been possible due to a lot of therapy, acceptance and other loving relationships that bring her joy and validation. There is more distance and boundaries there, but it is a relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SLHPJYODEFBPTFI564Z2RYTFHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747189},"content":"","type":"text"},{"_id":"C5BH52EDIFAHXL66QEOCYYVXYI","additional_properties":{"_id":"ESTY3VE52RBWLDBU5IWQBQ4DPY"},"content":"Just one family member can throw restrained harmony into disarray","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"B7AQMOIR7VCBDLID32YJXE65TY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747190},"content":"For people who have experienced estrangement, support is available. Melvin’s book offers practical and emotional advice for dealing with estrangement, and the US-based non-profit Together Estranged offers resources and online support groups. While there can be a lot of loss and grief around estrangement, for some people it can a very empowering decision that may not be easy but should be recognised as an important choice for them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LCA3FZYT2BGGPFRIFGWUZWADPE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747191},"content":"For Diane, she wishes that growing up, she had more people who supported her. “You’re not less of a person because you have decided to have no relationship with a family member,” she says. “I think that takes a lot of courage and guts and a recognition of your boundaries. I really wish more people, you know, maybe said to me, ‘Good on you.’ I wish more people, maybe even if they don’t understand it, or haven’t had that experience, would be able to say ‘I think that what you’re doing is good for you right now, and fair play.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YREU3SI4ZBET5NZOQMAKOKMJP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731403747192},"content":"* Some names have been changed.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Roe McDermott"}},"name":"Roe McDermott"}]},"description":{"basic":"In an age of constant communication, the decision to go ‘no contact’ with a family member is more noticeable, but there is still sometimes too much societal judgement of those who take such a serious decision"},"display_date":"2024-11-23T05:55:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Cutting off family members: ‘It had never occurred to me that you could grieve somebody who was still alive’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"3AX6GYTHVFDJHI4REDRE77FJX4","auth":{"1":"fab3601816aa885f38edb889ee30af26c661dd355291062b7d6154b160874af2"},"focal_point":{"x":4105,"y":1195},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/3AX6GYTHVFDJHI4REDRE77FJX4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"People"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/23/cutting-off-family-members-it-had-never-occurred-to-me-that-you-could-grieve-somebody-who-was-still-alive/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/life-style/people","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"People"}}}},{"_id":"5RNI6PSF5NCJFDQMAAGAMAAK2E","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/black-paddy-i-want-to-teach-my-children-self-acceptance-and-to-love-the-colour-of-their-skin/","content_elements":[{"_id":"QKR5UD2BNVAWBE4SZGWBFBJODU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633080},"content":"Black Paddy, the content creator and MC has a couple of different aliases, Fabio David and Fabu D, being two. But the social media star, whose funny viral videos have made him a household name, has another alias also. He’s daddy to his five year old son and three year old daughter. “Amazing, beautiful kids”, he explains. But he has a new found appreciation of what his mother experienced raising him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DQ5ABDVGD5DUFORZDJYLT7OS2Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633081},"content":"“You kind of get to a stage of like ‘wow, was this the way I was when I was younger? Oh my God I feel so sorry for me ma”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PXQ5HCQGOZCHLPKXSSBHEMJ5II","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633082},"content":"In the latest episode of Conversations with Parents, Black Paddy speaks to Jen Hogan about parenting energetic children, and how having a public profile can make it more difficult to manage anxiety-inducing, children’s antics when he’s out and about.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VUWUCESXERBSNPRZNL2HLX7CDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633083},"content":"He discusses trying to have a different relationship with his children to the one he had with his own dad, who sadly died when Black Paddy was only fourteen years old. A complicated grief followed the death of his father and he explains this, and shares details of his background, with Jen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WCCRW7GCCZBXRBUXTVM6MOTH7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633084},"content":"Black Paddy also discusses his time of heavy alcohol and drug use, promiscuity (“I’d be riding one girl every night”, he says), and homelessness. And he shares how becoming a father forced him to turn his life around. He opens up on the reality of living in the same house, and co-parenting with his children’s mother, even though they’re not a couple anymore. “It’s been hard”, he admits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SOYT53JJLFCSBE4CEEJ35A4RO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633085},"content":"Racism is something Black Paddy has experienced both online, and in person. He discusses the sort of things he has had to deal with, shares how he copes, and shares how he prepares his children for dealing with it in the future. “You are beautiful the way you are”, he tells them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X65TPPV5EJA4REYXRKHRWZJDDI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633086},"content":"Plus, he explains why he has, so far, chosen not to feature his children on his social media videos, talks about the reality of being famous, and offers his take on some modern parenting phenomena.","type":"text"},{"_id":"P3OE4QOAHNCTXBYJPVINOXFVIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633087},"content":"You can listen to Jen’s conversation with Black Paddy on the player above. Or listen to Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"64T7P6EPCZAT7NA5UZLQ75S3MA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731881633088},"content":"And, if you’d like to get in touch with the show, please email <a href=\"mailto:parentspod@irishtimes.com\">parentspod@irishtimes.com</a>","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-19T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Black Paddy: ‘I want to teach my children self-acceptance and to love the colour of their skin’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"3JUQZ4HZIJH6DNA543SNI7ZUIE","auth":{"1":"c84c61aca3a7f24327475eeb9eca409d5bc14c5ab5c8538d85062d16424a4ed7"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/3JUQZ4HZIJH6DNA543SNI7ZUIE.jpeg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":1634.165333,"episodeTitle":"","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/673b618f9f81126104543724.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/black-paddy-i-want-to-teach-my-children-self-acceptance-and-to-love-the-colour-of-their-skin/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"YLY3YUPDSVDQBMIWNFBPPHQTSM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":369,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/056ce13e-d0ff-4a8b-a242-f597f1bf95c2/versions/1731501886/media/d07d828a0c1c7dc2db3e2391d9a1518b_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/19/its-not-parenthood-that-i-regret-its-the-sheer-lack-of-support-parents-get-from-government/","content_elements":[{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"YN3CNWD5Q5H3DGR4U264OYWIPE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"FNKFXKGPMZEOLGSX7FLZC6RBD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101522},"content":"Recently, our Parenting Taboos series looked at what is perhaps the most unacceptable of all <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenting</a> taboos – <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/\">regretting your decision to become a parent</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZQ4IUUKKYFE7BBOLF3FVKPMNB4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101523},"content":"In the article, we spoke to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents</a> about why they felt this way, and whether they might do things differently, given their time again. Many readers got in touch to share their views on the issue.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3QFJ6XOA7JGBDG26WIS4AS5M7I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207768},"content":"Here is a selection of the responses we received.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMGP5RKWGJDTZNOIQLH3KUOWUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207769},"content":"‘I can’t be the parent I know I could have been’","type":"header"},{"_id":"TMGP5RKWGJDTZNOIQLH3KUOWUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207772},"content":"<i>Russell, Co Wicklow</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"6L3CXW3ECNE6HDGSQMYCFF63NQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101524},"content":"It’s not parenthood that I regret. It’s the sheer lack of support parents get from government. It’s the fact that, in entering the paid workforce in huge numbers, the laws of supply and demand have determined that two people now need to work to sustain a family, where previously it was far more possible with one single average income earner.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MYWWTAK7YZAG7IQ4YMZIK4S7PA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207771},"content":"If men had left the paid workforce in the same numbers as women entered it, it would have been fabulous. Social fabric would have prevailed. To add to the strain, many of us have begun families a decade later than our parents did, because we didn’t have the financial means to do so when we were the age they were when they started. The hardest thing about being a parent now, for me, is being unavailable to my children because I have to work so hard to feed and clothe them. And the constant strain that both of us are under as relatively older parents working in relatively low-paid sectors, without younger grandparents to lend hands-on support, and without financial assistance from the government in the form of childcare or other supports, creates a breeding ground (pardon the pun) for stress-induced bickering and discord and near-constant exhaustion and sleep deprivation, which makes you feel even more s**t as a parent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TMGP5RKWGJDTZNOIQLH3KUOWUE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207772},"content":"Not to mention trying to maintain the inhumane pace of work and household management in the information age. The regret is that I can’t be the parent I know I could have been, if I wasn’t working myself into an early grave in the attempt to support my kids.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BYSFETOB4NEZPFFG2CVU4RV46Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731499207773},"content":"‘Feminism let me down’","type":"header"},{"_id":"WKA4GULAWVBKRAXGBKYHBSZK3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101527},"content":"<i>Fergus, Co Galway</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"CUULFMOENFBKJJAQPQNWM2EBOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101525},"content":"I was one of the ones, male, that listened to feminism and what it was going to do for women. What I myself took from it that women – many – might not want or never have children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IMAENOEXXNEWFDH6LKTNT45ZHI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101526},"content":"I married in the early 1980s. Had I discussed all this with my new wife? I think not. But as the marriage went on, I was aware that she would want children. I still didn’t. My viewpoint or vision, if one might call it that, was the two of us being so besotted with each other, that children would be a hindrance.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WKA4GULAWVBKRAXGBKYHBSZK3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101527},"content":"After a few years, the marriage went by the boards. The one I felt sorry for was her, and this idea that feminism threw at us that women would not be interested in bearing children. I, for one, feel that feminism let me down, dragging me on a course I should never have gone down. I, of course, subsequently, did do further reading on it all – the fact that women biologically would like or seek motherhood. It was not allowed for at all by those early feminists. So, there it lay. I still see very “young” mothers, presumably quite content with their new baby 40 years later.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QKFQX7LB4ZDJNKPHKWXB3WJGBU","additional_properties":{"_id":"EQZEKJHUFJHWNHMRYB5HUGWUEI"},"content":"Childfree by choice: ‘There’s a narrative that your life is either Sex and the City glamour or cat lady’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"AQUPZTXQTVFGBBPW6NFK3YKKRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731574943766},"content":"‘Looking forward to meeting my grandkids’","type":"header"},{"_id":"AQUPZTXQTVFGBBPW6NFK3YKKRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731574943767},"content":"<i>Brian, Cork</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"AQUPZTXQTVFGBBPW6NFK3YKKRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731574943767},"content":"I am a separated/divorced father of two, boy/girl kids, who are now 27 and 30 years old. I lived 16 miles away from them and I drove that road two to three times a week for 20 years to be with them and to try and stay close. They were never driven the other way to see me. I made all the effort and was happy to do that. I still love my kids and never regretted being their dad. My regret is not seeing them every day of their lives growing up. That left a void. Looking forward to meeting my grandkids some time soon.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WP34FGZPR5AFVAQNUIRSX6PQME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101530},"content":"‘A source of pleasure and pride’","type":"header"},{"_id":"WP34FGZPR5AFVAQNUIRSX6PQME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101530},"content":"<i>John, south of France</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"WP34FGZPR5AFVAQNUIRSX6PQME","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101530},"content":"I have one daughter. She has never been anything but a source of pleasure and pride to me and her late mother. It’s all a matter of nature and nurture, our children are to a large degree what we made them. Those that are unhappy with the way their children turned out need a long look in the mirror.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GGCBOPKFJNDYXGX55HZ5JW4224","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101531},"content":"‘Easy enough to navigate’","type":"header"},{"_id":"GGCBOPKFJNDYXGX55HZ5JW4224","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101531},"content":"<i>Linda, Dublin</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"GGCBOPKFJNDYXGX55HZ5JW4224","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101531},"content":"I’m the opposite. As a mother of two in their early 20s and still living at home, I find/found being a parent easy enough to navigate. When I’m with women and the subject of difficulties around parenting come up, I listen but don’t say much. I’m concerned about appearing as though I want to sell myself as the glossy magazine idea of the perfect mother – which I am definitely not.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFFQYRLOINE4PLLN5XHVNPY7SU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101533},"content":"‘I’m quite fond of the childless cat ladies’","type":"header"},{"_id":"DFUUJPYE7JFZNKTA3MSKMBEH5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101534},"content":"<i>Desmond, Co Dublin</i>","type":"header"},{"_id":"HLKYTLLZAVC5DGYRGCDNJQE27Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101532},"content":"I don’t have children. It wasn’t deliberately planned that way, just the forces of circumstances (and perhaps, in our case, medical incompetence and neglect). But I certainly don’t regret not having offspring now. There are enough people in the world as it is, after all; and enough strained intergenerational parent/adult child relationships to go around. It’s also less responsibility for me, with the bonus that I can get to feel good about it by dressing it up as concern for the distribution of the planet’s dwindling resources. Besides, the urge to replicate one’s genes is an impulse I have never really understood. If it happened, it happened: it didn’t.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFFQYRLOINE4PLLN5XHVNPY7SU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101533},"content":"There still exists, however, considerable familial and societal pressure to reproduce, particularly for women. This is wrong. It should be a choice freely undertaken. Personally, I’m quite fond of the “childless cat ladies”. I’m not sure if the feeling is reciprocated.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DFUUJPYE7JFZNKTA3MSKMBEH5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1731489101534},"content":"Beckett called all parents criminals, and even non-poetry lovers can quote Philip Larkin’s famous This Be The Verse by heart. Both were childless, by choice. Today they would be referred to as “happily child free”. Or unhappily, as the case may be – though not necessarily because they were ‘without issue’. To each his, or her, own.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Our recent article on the topic of regretting parenthood sparked numerous responses. Below, we share a selection of the views we received"},"display_date":"2024-11-19T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘The hardest thing about being a parent is being unavailable to my kids because I have to work so hard to feed and clothe them’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"5YIUXPG6YJBQ7M7T4JW7EORS4Y","auth":{"1":"5c5da842b0f6175df5e1ee9b29f416a403321e335795a56dbcc0fc6bb0770278"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/5YIUXPG6YJBQ7M7T4JW7EORS4Y.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/19/its-not-parenthood-that-i-regret-its-the-sheer-lack-of-support-parents-get-from-government/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"WKO26MQUDNEA3ISSZNGO4UHJLY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":297,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/9d7264ad-2f14-49d5-9ee8-4279861e6881/versions/1731422682/media/9713bdb864af251c4f692a2df43e3a34_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/18/i-believe-my-nephew-may-have-adhd-or-autism-but-his-parents-wont-discuss-or-explore-it-in-any-way/","content_elements":[{"_id":"SVJMPFYXCVHJRBJHRD4CMRZTHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765332},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"PNASI5KIWBAZ3DKS27QY53U3LI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765333},"content":"<b>My brother and his wife have a five-year-old son with significant sensory communication and emotional needs. I work as a teacher, and I’m inferring that he might have </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/adhd/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>ADHD (attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder)</b></a><b> or </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>autism</b></a><b>. When he comes for a visit, or to family events, he can’t communicate and often has meltdowns.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"L5EQOGNDRRACRNH4YCSFYOXA54","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611519},"content":"<b>However, his parents are not willing to accept, discuss, explore or in any way receive support from family. His mum, in particular, is very defensive and narcissistic. She won’t admit anything is wrong and is paranoid about anything we suggest to help. All images she puts on social networks are picture-perfect, and we believe they are in strict denial in order to save face. In fact, they have almost stopped coming to family events and they have effectively moved away to “hide” their reality.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"BALFD4H2ANBDNDKXOEIX5C4ENA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611520},"content":"<b>When we do rarely meet up, nobody is allowed to discuss their son for fear they’ll never return to visit us. Even my brother who I used to get on with has pulled away and won’t talk to me about it.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"QKMVBHNXIBF3LACG4FZ7WRMOYI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611521},"content":"<b>Meantime, my nephew continues to struggle without recognition or support that he needs, which I think is terrible.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"FEB5RD5CRVCTZDON3JCKIN6IIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765334},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"IZBOJI6GMFFMLMUSRPJXMPNSPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765335},"content":"I think your question highlights a lot of complicated family dynamics. It is hard as an aunty to see your nephew struggling and to feel powerless and not be able to help. It is also hard to feel you are losing your relationship with your brother (and your nephew) over what is happening. Even though you have good intentions to help, be careful about coming across as judgmental towards your brother and his wife. Thinking about his wife as “narcissistic” or “paranoid” (even if you don’t use these words out loud to her) will likely mean your communication is imbued with judgment and criticism. This will likely increase her being defensive and make it more likely that they cut off from you or refuse your help.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JP7VKMHMSZEJNAQWJMFAIQ543I","additional_properties":{"_id":"RGWQHN7MMJGJNFUJIANNCKK5SQ"},"content":"Matt Haig: ‘ADHD and autism has helped me be more compassionate to myself, but I am not being defined by it’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HT3CHM5TI5DZVGMBWW4IZ463HE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765336},"content":"In trying to help, it is important to be compassionate and understanding of what your brother and his wife are going through and to respect the way they are trying to deal with things. It is quite likely that they are under great stress and struggling, but might find it hard to face this and to get support. When raising a child with additional needs, many parents don’t immediately face up to what they are dealing with, and it can take them some time before they are ready to seek outside assessment and support.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NUEQRNZM6JHF5E4MF7D2C6BKMU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611525},"content":"While you might think it is “urgent” that they seek assessment for their son, it is much more important that this is done in the right way, when his parents are ready. Once he starts school, his teacher will be able to give feedback on his progress and encourage assessment if needed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QFG6CXWYKJHXTLY5FFP2BFGHEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765337},"content":"When dealing with challenges, many families “batten down the hatches” and focus on their nuclear family as they try to find a way to cope. Often this is motivated by a desire to protect their child. Specifically, many young neurodivergent children find extended family social events very stressful, which is communicated through distressing meltdowns.","type":"text"},{"_id":"U4VLBEEZZZDTDG2RORWOGESFSM","additional_properties":{"_id":"I7WK3MO6CRHJPFRBNENMDH5TK4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NOOMNR64J5HQ7NKLUOLP4PK4TM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611527},"content":"A natural parenting response is to reduce a child’s exposure to these events until they can better cope, especially if they perceive extended family are judging them. It is also perfectly understandable that they might present a positive image on social media and be very private about their struggles. As an aunt you don’t automatically have the right to be your brother’s confidant about his child – you have to earn this right by building a trusting relationship with him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GJCVKQUZPZERZPSFVTXMOCCF44","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765338},"content":"When they visit, it is important to listen and be supportive, but don’t see it as your role to “raise issues” or to provide advice about their son. If there are challenges such as meltdowns, be careful about jumping in, and instead ask them what support they would like or how you can be helpful. In addition, it might be useful to change the circumstances of the visit. For example, maybe a large family event is too much and maybe a smaller gathering might be easier. Maybe outdoors situations might work better than indoors.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EFA3QUT2SJEODMFJQS4DSW24N4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QY7XVZSUWZDB5ESSFEMG5U5JNA"},"content":"A strengths-based approach to raising autistic, ADHD and other neurodivergent children","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"OUYW2CXD4VCPNG372BLUHQDHEE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731415765339},"content":"As a first step, it might be useful to reach out to your brother to meet up. If it helps, you can say that you feel things have been “off” between the two of you recently and you are looking to “reset”. Don’t use the meeting to seek to provide advice about his son, and instead just focus on listening to build a connection.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LWPOIH6ISVGTXDDYPOLRQWMDJE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611530},"content":"Acknowledge how hard it might be raising a spirited little boy and ask him whether there is anything you can do to help. For example, he might appreciate practical help such as you taking his son for a few hours to give him and his wife a break. This will give you a chance to build your relationship and increase trust with your brother so you can be a true resource to your nephew.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DS7GXLWA7NA65N62G767TLOGVM","additional_properties":{"_id":1731420611531},"content":"It is important to be patient and to wait for your brother to come to you to ask for your support and advice.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4OA5PLD7JHHVETZAGSBOPSZAQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"S42BNJR4BRACBOXZ3TLGWQRMLI","additional_properties":{"_id":"ENFQODSYHREGVBFCQRQKVN5BWE"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: When we do rarely meet up, nobody is allowed to discuss my brother’s son for fear the family will never return to visit us. How to approach this?"},"display_date":"2024-11-18T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I believe my nephew may have ADHD or autism, but his parents won’t discuss it’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"7LMUF4Q26BDT3NNXAK6GSH7BSY","auth":{"1":"55bd459e4a7258b6c4d11957ed93c71f6a6aadcea1fc8039cd5bdab6f7171407"},"focal_point":{"x":1522,"y":773},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/7LMUF4Q26BDT3NNXAK6GSH7BSY.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/18/i-believe-my-nephew-may-have-adhd-or-autism-but-his-parents-wont-discuss-or-explore-it-in-any-way/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"TCYFI6ICYFCMLM3Y6IUUZCUJIA","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":506,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/c9dc0a4d-4a4c-4e56-aacd-2af500d7cb7b/versions/1731346435/media/a2c32178c0795e3ce3e8a0dda7fb70b4_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/16/you-can-see-the-difference-definitely-finnish-approach-to-preschool-childcare-paying-dividends-in-cork/","content_elements":[{"_id":"KRELIQNQDBFQHAUPI2ZLARRMMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698086},"content":"There is no shortage of people in the sector who believe <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/\" target=\"_blank\">Ireland</a> could do with emulating aspects, or all, of Finland’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/childcare/\" target=\"_blank\">early-education and childcare system</a> but when she first arrived in Ireland just over a decade ago, Minna Murphy’s ambitions on that front were modest enough.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IY42HKMOJVD4HG4JRS4BXFOB44","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698087},"content":"Murphy hails from close to Helsinki and moved from <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/finland/\" target=\"_blank\">Finland</a> with her Irish husband, John, to his family farm in Kildinan, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cork/\" target=\"_blank\">Cork</a>, in 2013 with the intention of opening a small preschool service. She didn’t know much about how the Irish system before she got here but worked for a spell in the UK where she found the approach “horrible”; all about “ticking boxes”, she suggests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JFEWUGTNKZANRDYRKNTY4GC3BY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247291},"content":"The farm setting, she recalls, was central to her plan, offering the sort of opportunity for outdoor play that few services here really can. At the time, though, she says just persuading parents their kids should be spending a lot more of their time out in the elements was initially a challenge. A decade on, she reckons, it’s one of the key reasons they keep coming. “Parents understand it now and some come from a long way to have their children here,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"E5LS66366NEFZC3G2XSKON5V2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247292},"content":"Finland’s system is about far more than getting out in the fresh air, of course. In the mid-1980s the country formally recognised early education as a child’s right. From the start of the 1990s, every child was entitled to a place in a municipally funded facility.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LOZ2RXZ5F5BNZAEC7T5AYZ2XSQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"FSH4FAPCWZEJZDQQIPGCFMJSKM"},"content":"Ireland’s childcare cost crisis: ‘My friends in Finland pay €150 per month for creche. My husband and I pay €1,100′","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"W6X4NIJEFVANRIQUQN32EI24G4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247293},"content":"“They have a rights-based approach to early childhood education and care,” says Dr Sheila Garrity, lecturer in early childhood studies at the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/university-of-galway/\" target=\"_blank\">University of Galway</a>’s school of education. “They see the child as a valuable citizen in their own right. And that being their starting point has allowed them to create a high-quality service that meets the various needs of children, a play-based curriculum that responds to the individual circumstances of each child and involves strong relationships with families.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VDZNBZFUN5AAVCZWZGFS5LCNLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247294},"content":"“We talk about childcare fees being too expensive, stopping parents from working,” she says. That’s our lens whereas the Finnish lens, the Nordic lens, is a child’s right to an enriching early-learning experience.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5WEKDBZGVFHEXJMZZUCQWQBFUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247295},"content":"The upshot is a central system in which every child is entitled to, and guaranteed, a place in early childhood education and care, local authorities are the heart of providing or funding it, and parents usually pay between €30 and just over €311 per month for one child. Siblings cost up to an additional €124.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NTRE7RS3B5HARNKAQAZ24AJBCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698092},"content":"Most children attend services from between 18 months and two years up until seven, when they start school. Places generally need to be booked four months in advance but they can be obtained in a couple of weeks in instances where a new job or course of study is involved. Alternatively, supports are available for parents who want to hire childminders while those who choose to stay at home with their children after initial periods of parental leave, are entitled to a basic €377 per month with additional income-related payments.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2SIAPACXGRFHPGN7UFODWFUN6I","additional_properties":{"_id":"JVEWXIXZERGSHCQDZVYCN3WRJU"},"content":"Childcare reform set to form major plank of FG manifesto, Harris indicates","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"HPFRICKOUJBG7KSAPQLGKMLMMI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698112},"content":"It is not perfect. Parental leave, for instance, is extremely generous by Irish standards but has not had quite the impact on workplace equality that was hoped for.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y66B5LWFQVCZHNPXYGFGB7GUGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698113},"content":"A key reason most Finnish children do not start in daycare until they are nearly two is the provision of 160 days of paid leave to each parent so they can provide care at home during the early part of the child’s life. Up to 63 days can be transferred meaning up to 97 can be lost if a father, for instance, does not participate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4NPI5QJZXVHRNKECVPXYKP4ZLU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698114},"content":"Encouraging fathers to take the leave, a portion of which is at full pay, a portion at 60 per cent, is intended, among other things, to promote equality in the workplace and Murphy believes it has had a positive impact.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S5PEDKA4XJF63M6ZJ4MRMJIWKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698115},"content":"Still, research from Aarhus University in Denmark suggests the Nordic countries have generally struggled to meet their goals in this area. In Finland, for instance, <a href=\"https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Gender_pay_gap_statistics\" target=\"_blank\">the gender pay gap, an indicator of the proportion of </a><a href=\"https://ec.europa.eu/eurostat/statistics-explained/index.php?title=Gender_pay_gap_statistics\" target=\"_blank\">senior, better-paid positions held by women, </a>was put at 15.5 per cent in 2022 compared to 9.3 per cent in Ireland.","type":"text"},{"_id":"USOC7JK5TVB3HGXO6AL3YUVFGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247301},"content":"Unesco Social Justice Ireland and Early Childhood Ireland (ECI), an umbrella body to which most providers in Ireland are affiliated, are among the many organisations to have highlighted its benefits and when the Irish Government established an expert group to compile its Partnership for Public Good report, a document that has played a significant role in shaping public policy in the sector here, it looked closely at the wider Nordic model, specifically the Norwegian one, which shares many of the same broad characteristics.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ISL74QISQRGX7KU3K225ZYDDUI","additional_properties":{"_id":"QE4GHT4RWJFZXOCIEYZ266WK3M"},"content":"Childcare fees set to increase at 600 Government-funded services","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"IZFLGDWU4RF7NE56DZQCU3OVEU","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247302},"content":"Predictably, it is all rather expensive to fund and a shifting political landscape there gave rise to the expectation in some quarters that spending might be curtailed in recent years. Instead, the last major review of the system, in 2022, extended services for the self-employed and others.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5DD3MTVDN5BZPJNXOKDSV5AZBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247303},"content":"In Ireland, there is widespread acknowledgment of the fact spending has increased from €638 million to almost €1.4 billion during the course of this government but ECI has put a cost of about €4 billion on Ireland getting to Nordic levels of provision. Three years ago, the Department of Children suggested that matching Iceland’s proportion of gross domestic product expenditure would involve spending almost half as much again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3JKMNYVVYVBWNE5467XDISMOLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698108},"content":"“I think we are moving slowly towards the better system but Ireland has to ramp up the funding and really stick with it,” says Murphy who is happy to see early education becoming a “political hot potato” in the run-up to the election with just about everybody promising more money.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V2JOEVYVSFFFDF67PRYOKOLZQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247305},"content":"To date, she suggests, there has been a tendency here to try to ignore the fact that “quality costs” but there have also been, she argues, substantial failures on the planning front.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53OLM3QDQVE53IMRO2UG43ANVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698100},"content":"Her own services – she has a second one these days in nearby Watergrasshill – cater for children approaching schoolgoing age but there are people “screaming”, she suggests, for places for smaller children in the area and the demand is only going to get greater, she says, as more houses are built.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PFNGK2AGNDQ5G35PDMQ2NT2YM","additional_properties":{"_id":"4VT45MER3ZHCHPJRIM4FMJ6FEY"},"content":"Creche place shortage: ‘We are panicking that we won’t find childcare and I need to return to work’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"NWXJPJZVUNEPJESICGD6TU5QO4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698101},"content":"“In Finland,” she says, “the system is very much based on local decisions, made by the municipalities, so if they know locally there’s a big housing estate coming, and they understand how many families will be moving in the area, they know they have to offer a daycare place there. It will always be in the planning. The planning here is not forward-thinking, in my opinion.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GJNJBQMINJDXBKIELZKSHE37BA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698102},"content":"In Cork, she says, the local childcare committee has been “absolutely brilliant” and she would like to see these given more of a say in the development and running of the system.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ILWS4V35QNEGHKOEVPBIM32KBY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247309},"content":"Further improvements to services will, she feels, be a priority for the next government but, in the meantime, as the election campaign proceeds and the weather outside gets colder, parents are delivering their children to her in more layers and “welly boots”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JZ27UHEOJFBJZORBH7HDJLJXKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698096},"content":"“In Finland, it is very much play-based, the learning, a lot of it outdoors,” she says. “Even the smaller children in full daycare usually go out in the morning and then again in the afternoon. Often, parents collect the children from outside.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BX2ZPDSQFZGJPGOI4XEQSR4G5Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247311},"content":"“What we say is, ‘when it’s minus 15 we stay indoors,’” she says cheerfully, not making it entirely clear how literal she is being.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SBAN5VW7LBBITKTPWIG4T5HWFE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730903698097},"content":"“Of course, it’s normal that we can’t be outdoors so much in the winter but they still go outside and enjoy the fresh air and do the activities and play which all then helps when we come back indoors. Everything is much more calm. The focus and listening is much better as well, really. It’s like ‘okay, that was our energy burst, now we are ready for a little snack and lunch, and then a little bit of calming down and reading a book.’","type":"text"},{"_id":"S2O2KMLALZBT3L3MZ672WOKZHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731342247313},"content":"“You can see the difference. Definitely.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Emmet Malone"}},"name":"Emmet Malone"}]},"description":{"basic":"Minna Murphy is happy to see early education becoming a ‘political hot potato’ in the run-up to the election with just about everybody promising more money."},"display_date":"2024-11-16T06:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘You can see the difference. Definitely’: How the Finnish approach to preschool childcare is paying dividends in Cork","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"RKCYNHCBH5CURFCIRHXDRISW4Y","auth":{"1":"f92610bfc23974085bd2335b54427fba7f3b05364ad685edf476bf6fc7cf3cbb"},"focal_point":{"x":2665,"y":1000},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/RKCYNHCBH5CURFCIRHXDRISW4Y.JPG"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"People"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Life & Style"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/life-style/people/2024/11/16/you-can-see-the-difference-definitely-finnish-approach-to-preschool-childcare-paying-dividends-in-cork/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/life-style/people","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"People"}}}},{"_id":"JHR6G7YEXJFB5LREWR6RIEDALA","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/terry-prone-i-couldnt-measure-up-so-i-decided-to-do-motherhood-my-way/","content_elements":[{"_id":"LTMLZ244Y5AHHO422PKZXP2SBE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250258},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/terry-prone\" target=\"_blank\">Terry Prone</a> has “always been very good to tell people to shag right off”, she explains. It’s a skill which has stood the communications expert and author in good stead. And one she believes is “a very important skill that women need to have”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZP76PWNJNAG7I6PYCWLW423AI","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250259},"content":"“Women need to stop being patient and gentle and accepting”, she says, when it comes to dealing with unwanted commentary or being asked unacceptable questions about <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">parenthood</a>. So naturally on hearing this, Jen tests the water, and launches straight in with the sort of probing question someone else might not get away with. How will Terry respond?","type":"text"},{"_id":"WVXOMRLBTFA53C5PUY4ZY2YI74","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250260},"content":"In this episode of Conversations with Parents, Terry Prone, who is mother to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/newstalk-radio\" target=\"_blank\">Newstalk</a>’s <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/anton-savage\" target=\"_blank\">Anton Savage</a>, discusses with Jen Hogan what it was like to be a working mother at a time when domesticity was considered the norm. She explains why she breastfed (“the slut’s option”), and why she believes her very relaxed approach to parenting, ultimately led to Anton being a daredevil.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7VGIHNIJOJASPCG5DPY5KLUWLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250261},"content":"“There was no risky pastime that he didn’t embrace”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RBWM5UBYKZAOPLLVZ4E4DEKGHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250262},"content":"The Communications Clinic chairman also discusses why she never attended any of Anton’s parent-teacher meetings. And how she parented in the wake of a catastrophic car accident.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A5UNRVKKEJD4LORLX6DSBY5DNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250263},"content":"So, how does Terry handle the challenging and often non communicative – or downright oppositional - teenage years? She shares her own secret to turning things around.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NOKF6FZPGZGNVA467KFPV6C2GY","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250264},"content":"Plus, she explains why she regrets allowing Anton to be photographed and part of her “publicity act”, adding, “I believe very strongly that reasonably famous people, but anybody, shouldn’t put your kids up on Instagram”. And she tells Jen in no uncertain terms exactly what she thinks of online communities.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EKVCVDEUQVFSDOFUYLJV4C2RU4","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250265},"content":"And there’s Terry’s highs and lows of motherhood, the nightmare that plagued her dreams, and her views on modern parenting phenomena.","type":"text"},{"_id":"47RFD4G4E5CFTOCSVYTQN3UY6Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1731315250266},"content":"Listen to this episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-12T07:50:31.259Z","headlines":{"basic":"Terry Prone on allowing son Anton Savage to be in her publicity as a child: ‘I think it was the wrong thing to do’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"YB5465EEQBCT3JDWPRR5HB46RA","auth":{"1":"dfbdb9729486cf15b3d185c581fa4e2925d66ac72ed9a3da63efb61be58204fd"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/YB5465EEQBCT3JDWPRR5HB46RA.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2234.405333,"episodeTitle":"The communications expert on parenting her son, the broadcaster Anton Savage","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/672e0e75743b21a614394bc8.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/terry-prone-i-couldnt-measure-up-so-i-decided-to-do-motherhood-my-way/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"BGLVJTZX3ZEWVMTXUI5VB6T35E","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":300,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/e32016bf-4f83-40e1-b153-a0cc6f6c1e6d/versions/1730810740/media/699458b2fdd5506f13930533c0ffbd46_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/11/jen-hogan-be-an-adult-we-tell-our-older-teenagers-in-a-school-system-that-is-infantilising-them-for-longer/","content_elements":[{"_id":"YJE5JUCGWREKJM4NPDAEHP5X4A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253433},"content":"“Do you ever miss being young?” one of the teens asked, out of curiosity rather than an attempt to annoy or offend me.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBXG4VQWJRHS5J6HHTUJN5J2ZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730808137697},"content":"I was in the kitchen belting out some tunes while doing boring middle-aged things such as loading the dishwasher in a manner that would definitely horrify my husband, and my friend who sends me photos of her husband’s dishwasher loading efforts, presuming I’ll be appalled.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KORHFESQBNDTVOCX56GUYHH27A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730808137698},"content":"But I’m too hip and cool to care about what goes on what shelf, which in fairness is probably why my teen felt compelled to ask the question he did.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N5TXFDX5XVARPB5VPDYQKDYFLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253434},"content":"“Sometimes,” I replied honestly. “Though I wouldn’t want to be a child again. 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So we grew up, perhaps, if we wanted to, a little bit more quickly. Until we reached wild-Sundays-spent-loading-the-dishwasher-and-doing-laundry age, and lamented a youth spent largely being old.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QA2VLMB5NNB27OY2FHYVG2AHZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":"SIY3PXKBOVFA5O7YLIL2QNN5KM"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-46406","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"LXC2FUNFKJGU3JWTRA6I336I5M","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253437},"content":"Of course, it’s all different now. For one, no one can afford a house. So, it’s probably no harm that our children are leaving school, and college later. And many of life’s milestones follow now at a later age. We can live, then, in the desperate hope that by the time they’re finished their education and settled in a job, the powers that be might have sorted out the housing crisis and our offspring won’t feel quite so inclined to escape our island. What is it they say about it being the hope that kills you?","type":"text"},{"_id":"MISX332FLVCVNJB6XTGMCXJBTQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253438},"content":"Anyway, back to the fact that children are starting and leaving school at an older age. It’s a good thing, we’re led to believe, and in many regards I agree. Starting school at five, and taking in transition year, which most students do, means more and more school students are 18 and 19 – adults – by the time they come to sit the Leaving Cert. More mature, we’re told.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QJ7JSCANGNHCFET2R3L47OUWGY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730808137704},"content":"What do 17-year-olds know about what they want to do with their lives? How could they possibly know what they want to study when they’re so young? 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But there is a light-switch change in society’s expectation. You’re an adult now, with adult consequences. And yet our 18- and 19-year-olds, who can legally drink and vote, sit in school uniforms, call other adults “sir” and “miss”, require their parents or guardians to explain a lateness or absence, need to ask permission to use the toilet, and even have updates about their academic performance communicated to their parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2AVRH5M42VAGZA3FKIDFCAFFXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253441},"content":"And we’re largely okay with this, because we want to know. “Be an adult,” we tell them. “Take responsibility for your life and your decisions,” we encourage, as we treat them like children. There is merit in children being older starting and finishing school, but only if we begin to recognise that we now have adult students in school, who need to be treated as such.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UOCZNVFEJVDWDGKSDLLGYJUSEY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730805253442},"content":"By the time I turned 18 I was in college, already being treated beforehand like the adult I wasn’t yet. And with that came life lessons of their own. Lessons we’re needlessly waiting longer to teach today’s young adults. Generation Z may get a raw deal in the stereotypes stakes. 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Like, for example, the fact that last month’s budget offered no increase in core funding by <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tusla/\" target=\"_blank\">Tusla </a>for their family resource centre, or indeed any of the 121 such centres throughout the country.","type":"text"},{"_id":"POABPVB4TVDDZEUAMEGKAPHSOM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047418},"content":"Annmarie Gallagher, a mother of three, isn’t slow to let her views be known about the essential services provided by Le Chéile.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ATDG5KUHTRCBTDW3JHQIEA22NY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047419},"content":"“I recently highlighted the urgency of proper funding for these vital services to [Fianna Fáil Senator] Lisa Chambers. 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I’m off out to meet someone later this week in the hope they will mind the two youngest in their own home but they might only be able to mind Cathal, so we may have to go back to the drawing board.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"JCAYZ5N7NRFKXHDJRI3MJA6RZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047424},"content":"Anita Prendergast empathises with Gallagher. She and her partner live in Bohola and have four children aged from nine to one. She is passionate in her belief that the incoming government must make childcare more community-based and integrated into society.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BT7VSKHYIVGSFB3G2TCMIZDZDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047425},"content":"“I had great supports here at Le Chéile as I prepared to return to work a year ago. I work in the health sector and it was quite daunting to be called to interview when I was 11 days postpartum. But here I could just bring all the children in to an event or meeting and feel welcome and supported. 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The buildings are there.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GWC4SGVLHNDIFNTUMEK2UUB6QE","additional_properties":{"_id":"XZ3E3ZWIIZAE7PM5TMX322CCXA"},"content":"‘Organise childcare’ means one of two things: ask Granny or take a day off work","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"ESJW6ZBT4NFTLK7TRGUQGNBJMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047428},"content":"She argues that the next government must also address pay and conditions for childcare staff.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OJ52ZTCVJJAELD4I36IUVTZABY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730823864662},"content":"“I was hoping to return to work last September time but I had to take another two months of unpaid leave because my excellent childcare provider couldn’t recruit a staff member they needed, obviously because of the poor pay conditions,” she says, adding that she feels very lucky that she has two parents living nearby who can support her.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BZLCJ4D56JBWDDE2LIOWHHBPJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047432},"content":"For Scottish native Chelsea Conway, moving to Castlebar during the pandemic provided its challenges.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWGJAXLBRVFVVP76MDJU77X6I4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047433},"content":"“I have ‘Irish twins’: Freya is two and Shay is one. Just sometimes it is a bit lonely. It is good for your mental health to get out of the house, meet other mothers for coffees and walks and it is good for their social skills too,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PMC74AP2LREX3NPQNFW345KZ4M","additional_properties":{"_id":1730806047430},"content":"Ann Conway, Le Chéile’s project manager, says: “There isn’t a week that goes by that we don’t have queries from parents seeking childcare or looking for a childminder.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PFASX2VO5ZCVTBIK54PU7KPCSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730823864666},"content":"“We once thought that accessing childcare was a crisis in bigger cities but it’s a reality in rural Ireland and in our own town now as the fabric of society changes. We need more family and community supports. 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And for good reason. In fact, he reckons the number of nappies he’s changed is probably in the single digits, and he’s unapologetic for it. After all “they are disgusting”, he explains, and changing them is above his “pay grade” he feels.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMDY4ESJDRD7FEW3CDJKEFZLQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730477093398},"content":"In this episode of Conversations with Parents, the broadcaster, podcaster and former Minister for Agriculture sits down with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/author/jen-hogan/\" target=\"_blank\">Jen Hogan</a> and discusses his old school approach to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">fatherhood</a>. He shares how learned helplessness has served him well when it came to taking care of children. Does he regret leaving it all to his wife Deirdre, who gave up her career as a teacher to raise the couple’s four children? 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He explains his very definite views on this, on the podcast.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZEXTGBJ4JNDLXB5D3AGLXZNLCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730477093401},"content":"He has lots of thoughts on modern parenting and in particular the move from one generation’s “supreme authority” approach, to a situation where “everything is negotiation”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FNS5AZBY2VG6RFBKYNKC3MPX4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730478541773},"content":"“The kid is the boss” Ivan observes, something he finds “quite shocking”. The old school dad tells us exactly what he thinks about it all. And shares his thoughts on when parenting gets better, and his highs and lows of fatherhood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"V5TTQFXKZVCYNPIIHOOQXB45IU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730477093403},"content":"You can listen to Ivan’s chat with Jen on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan"},"display_date":"2024-11-05T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Ivan Yates: ‘The lack of affection from my parents’ generation was a huge mistake’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"SSQE5DRT5BNV3CZC3F3BKSYCLU","auth":{"1":"50a7ce58962b4c5f7a8ca2d7043cb7f395c3d81ecf01c28721ff6202f77deb8c"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/SSQE5DRT5BNV3CZC3F3BKSYCLU.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":1626.029333,"episodeTitle":"'I was determined to do some things differently to my parents'","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/6725017ce4fa02600522561d.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/ivan-yates-the-lack-of-affection-from-my-parents-generation-was-a-huge-mistake/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"IVTQ72B2FVB57IA3L3UPCM7CXY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":760,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/2e0a9cf1-1394-4aee-ac26-87def6a2b28c/versions/1730219491/media/7a158002cc0df008a89e7f2852a061c8_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/05/how-keeping-astronauts-healthy-can-tell-us-what-on-earth-to-do/","content_elements":[{"_id":"RSOBFQICWJGTFIOV3H237FD2XM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139613},"content":"The seven astronauts currently aboard the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/international-space-station/\" target=\"_blank\">International Space Station</a> orbiting above us have one big health issue in common with <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/menopause/\" target=\"_blank\">post-menopausal</a> women down here. It is the challenge of accelerated muscle and bone loss.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2HU5WKSDEVB3BBAP3V2NFVUZUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139614},"content":"In the microgravity of space it is called “skeletal unloading” and is significantly more rapid. Astronauts can lose up to 1 or 2 per cent of bone density per month in the hip and spine, according to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/nasa/\" target=\"_blank\">Nasa</a>. (Around the time of menopause, women can lose 2 per cent or more of bone per year.) “This rapid bone loss can place the crew members at risk for bone fracture and risk of early-onset osteoporosis [a bone deterioration disorder],” notes the US space agency.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MTNNMXSMOZAAZPN76EUICQQUCQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139616},"content":"The changes space makes to your body and how to counteract these is of huge interest to Irish doctor Lisa McNamee, co-founder of Space Medicine Ireland. She has completed the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/european-space-agency/\" target=\"_blank\">European Space Agency</a>’s space physician training course and a University of Texas principles of aviation and space medicine course and is working on several space medicine research projects. So what is space medicine?","type":"text"},{"_id":"FXVUCB3IANCM5MHEJKU263XVRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"KZAOCM2YO5H3TPJ5CTPLI2FH6Q"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"QM6TUYXRIBFNHKJ7WXEDK2AFKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139617},"content":"“Basically, it’s the preparation of astronauts for flight,” says the 38-year-old, sitting in the alumni meeting room in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/trinity-college-dublin-tcd/\" target=\"_blank\">Trinity College Dublin</a>, where she studied classics and French, before later doing the postgraduate course in medicine at the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI). “It’s the maintenance of their health while they’re in flight and it’s the rehabilitation after flight.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HVB4XOYIFJHRXBJ2UI6ZKYAJGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139618},"content":"However, there is much more to this field than being a doctor to the astronauts, which is clearly a limited speciality. It also involves applying knowledge gained through space travel to improve terrestrial medical treatments. These learnings come not just from enabling astronauts to remain physically and mentally well in space but also from extensive research projects conducted in microgravity, such as drug testing, ageing experiments, wound healing and medtech work.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KBGQLKCSL5BCVEIAGT7PWRFHJM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139619},"content":"Widely used finger pulse oximeters, which measure the oxygen saturation level of blood, are just one example, she says, of a spin-off from the “travel light” imperative to miniaturise devices used in space, which then become cheaper to produce here. Use of sensors, developed for remote medical monitoring of astronauts’ health, is an accelerating trend in general medicine.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LFGQ4T6PO5BLHOAJ4YM6OL5LGU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139620},"content":"As people travel further and spend longer in space, the health challenges intensify. Plans for new cosmic frontiers include the 2027 launch of Gateway, a space station to orbit around the moon and, it is hoped, to pave the way for establishing a base on the Moon. To put that into context, the International Space Station (ISS) travels around Earth about 400km above us, whereas the nearest the Moon ever gets to this planet on its elliptical orbit is 363,000km. From the Moon, the next space destination for humankind will be Mars, about 225,000,000km away and a round trip of up to three years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HVTMJWOAEVEWPHNNO6Z5AR62KM","additional_properties":{"_id":"LBN6C3VFSVBRPNZMN6RFUTVW3U"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"NYBFNVPNPRDUNENMQXSBBGH5TU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139621},"content":"Meanwhile, space tourism, which is gathering pace, brings its own health issues. Traditionally, astronauts are handpicked through lengthy, rigorous physical and mental health screenings. With ability to pay being a new prerequisite for a seat on a commercial rocket, where can an ethical line be drawn on fitness standards?","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TZYGNW27BEWZDO6L2M5WX7NVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139622},"content":"“Exercise countermeasures” is the current focus for Dr McNamee, who won the Women in Stem Rising Star of the Year award in October. These are “anything that you do to mitigate or to push back the effects of space on the human body, because we’re not designed for space, we’ve evolved here. We’re designed to be functional at this gravity.” She will give a free talk (to book, see <a href=\"https://www.eventbrite.com/e/how-space-spooks-your-skeleton-tickets-1047833106027?aff=odcleoeventsincollection&keep_tld=1\" target=\"_blank\">eventbrite.com</a>) titled How Space Spooks your Skeleton on November 7th as part of the annual Samhain agus Science festival hosted by the Dublin Institute for Advanced Studies (DIAS) at Burlington Road, Dublin 4, which runs until November 12th.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4LXYZAW4UNCILGP2RHZ7PP7D54","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139623},"content":"ISS crew members are required to do workouts every day in an effort to minimise muscle wasting and bone loss. The weightlessness they experience means there is no pressure on the muscles, which start to wither through lack of use. This affects not just the limbs but also the heart, a muscular organ that pumps blood around the body.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YWHU4VB27NBYLLE7R5PUIJ4CNA","additional_properties":{"_id":"C5663P3RXBGDZPTMCERZFGWL64"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"53V4I3RTTNBOVGBMIVMAQZSN4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139624},"content":"In addition, bone mass starts to reduce due to lack of muscle-bone interactions. People tend to think of bones as fixed substances, she says, but they are living tissue that is very responsive to muscle tension and muscles working on them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"MKLUTKN3KRC33POBAWY5YWSV6E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139625},"content":"“If they don’t have that, they thin, in two ways. They stop making new bone, which they’re doing all the time, but also they start reabsorbing bone that is already there.” To minimise the impact of this in space, only people with very good bone density are selected to be astronauts, but they are also required to do weight-bearing as well as cardiovascular exercise during daily two-hour workouts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WS55FQJ2OZCZXPEVY7WI5QIDPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139626},"content":"Think of how expensive it is to train an astronaut and send them into space, says Dr McNamee. The fact that they are required to spend two hours every single day just on exercise shows what a priority it is for Nasa and the European Space Agency (ESA). Although most of what we see of ISS crew members is chatting on video-links or posting on social media, the bulk of their time up there is spent conducting research experiments under close direction","type":"text"},{"_id":"SWCN2LHDYBGN7PKLWNJAHSJORI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139627},"content":"The ISS is larger than a six-bedroom house, with six sleeping quarters, two bathrooms, a gym and a 360-degree view bay window. In the gym there is a treadmill, an ergometer bike and an advanced resistive exercise device.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5SSDVNWNWRBLVAWKGZNNT5PCQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"NRVFNKAJTJA6LD324WPW3YFCUA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"MLFV5AZLN5HBNMX2YTUIDK5T2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139628},"content":"“Astronauts are strapped in to this device so that they can do jogging, weight-bearing exercise and they can actually lift weights. Obviously if you were to lift weights in microgravity you’d lift it and then the momentum of you lifting your arm with the heavy weight would keep you moving. So it would be absolutely no value to your muscles. You have to have this system whereby you’re strapped in and everything is working against you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OT5XFYJBDND3LKI2ZP4PVMTRKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139629},"content":"All the major space agencies are trying to find new ways to reduce, halt or reverse this bone loss, says McNamee. This should have spin-off benefits for the rest of us.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GTYY5U3NBVF5FBHWFKGIN6XEEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139630},"content":"There are an estimated 300,000 men and women in Ireland with osteoporosis. As a society we don’t have a great understanding of the things that keeps our bones healthy, she suggests, and, traditionally, women’s health has been a neglected area. It is estimated half of all women in Ireland aged over 50 will suffer a fracture due to osteoporosis, and 25 per cent of older men are likely to be similarly affected. There is up to a one-in-three chance of dying within one year of a hip fracture.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5Q4PSPO4PFFLNOQZSYD24D3IVA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139631},"content":"“Weight-bearing exercise as a preventer is something that we should be encouraging, prescribing,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AETY35R7XFCABND3AW5GZKRSLY","additional_properties":{"_id":"OKRJTWA2BZHDBCK223DCFVCEGI"},"content":"Up to 70% of osteoporosis patients getting inappropriate treatment, research finds","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"SSFLJPDF4RG2DILXSZYD655NYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139632},"content":"Nasa and ESA conduct bed rest studies to give researchers insights into how humans adapt to weightlessness. Volunteers spend anything between five and 60 days in a bed tilted toward the head end, and are not allowed to stand up unless a particular experiment requires it. Their bodies start to adapt, as if in space. Research findings allow measures to be devised that will help astronauts on space missions – as well as bedridden people recuperating from illness.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BTVE4L7KGBBZLFA2PTTWQIEPTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139633},"content":"Bone loss in space varies from person to person, which is another interesting aspect for research, she notes. On return to Earth, astronauts start individualised, targeted rehabilitation exercise programmes under supervision. “It’s kind of a graduated return to 1G [normal gravity] exercise.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"U5DQBPJJU5CBXBWT4UA6GYZ2FM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139634},"content":"Altered gravity is one of the big five health hazards in space flight, she explains, along with isolation and confinement, distance from Earth, radiation and the alien environment.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ASQ5QEEAHJFH3FQRPJ6EX4PHCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139635},"content":"In addition to muscle and bone issues, microgravity also causes a fluid shift in the body, typically giving astronauts puffy faces and skinny “chicken” legs. This redistribution of fluid in the body causes pressure to build at the back of the eye resulting in space associated neuro-ocular syndrome.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SJ2TBJAFTVBLVORO3NYQENXFHY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139636},"content":"“It’s not something that they fully understand.” It can lead to blurring of vision when astronauts first go up and for some it may persist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JXQERXT4DVHCPJ66NRYRJKAJCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139637},"content":"“When you first go into microgravity, you get a kind of a shock to the system,” says Dr McNamee. “This can cause space sickness but does not necessarily affect people who suffer motion sickness, so it is difficult to predict.” Each astronaut is issued with sick bags and anti-emetic medication. “There’s no shame in getting space sick. There is shame in missing the bag ...”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MGW5DK5QFFCQXIJBG24HSOPDLM","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139638},"content":"Dr McNamee, mother of a three-year-old daughter, sparkles with enthusiasm as she talks about space travel, which has fascinated her since her childhood days in Co Meath. She is delighted to see the growth of space-active industry in Ireland, with the national space strategy for enterprise’s target of 100 companies engaging with the ESA by 2025 having been reached by January of this year. “I was really into sci-fi when I was a kid.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"56FOBK6N2VAJFGAIJ6CK4P2DEI","additional_properties":{"_id":"LNV7E6QRYNCADKA4YK3XROYUGQ"},"content":"How Ireland is building a strong reputation in Europe’s space programme","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"RM3P7CHNRBB2RKGD7Q4T75JR5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070872},"content":"Her father was a helicopter pilot and engineer and she recalls a family trip to the Air and Space Museum in Washington DC, while visiting their uncle over there. “It was like a defining experience.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"C2RWZCZSKRFWZPRVJ6DCTKOTBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070873},"content":"Currently a commandant with the Irish <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/defence-forces-of-ireland/\" target=\"_blank\">Defence Forces</a> at St Bricin’s military hospital in Dublin 7, she points out that learnings from military teams, the airline industry and space industry all feed into each other when it comes to managing error, safety and conflict among personnel.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5L7A3X2Q2FHL7JHMGCGPOXA3CU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139641},"content":"“There’s a reason why a lot of astronauts are pilots or were pilots, because it’s the same sort of check-and-test, check-and-test mindset ... egos at the door.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZNA5GERRFHZ7KAKC2CZ6LLQDQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070875},"content":"They need to be psychologically prepared for danger. “Space is hard, it’s risky and it doesn’t always work out,” she says, referring to the loss of the space shuttles Challenger, 73 seconds after its launch in 1986, and Columbia on re-entering Earth’s atmosphere in 2003, with a total of 14 astronauts killed.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z2SBCGVW2VEEZDXXMDD4G73QFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139642},"content":"She did apply for ESA’s most recent round of astronaut selection “not with great hope but I think I would have kicked myself if I hadn’t”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JI4M6AL34BD6VEHO766HUPCLO4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QRELW2WFPJC4PJ22CCSUHWGFNU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"ZTSR4UUYXVBYVJVCCEPXTRHRVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730213070877},"content":"The new class of 17 astronaut candidates announced in November 2022, including Belfast-born astrophysicist <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/2024/04/23/northern-ireland-born-astrophysicist-becomes-astronaut-after-space-training-graduation/#:~:text=Rosemary%20Coogan%20was%20selected%20to,beating%20more%20than%2022%2C500%20applicants&text=Northern%20Ireland%2Dborn%20Rosemary%20Coogan,Space%20Agency%20(ESA)%20astronaut.\" target=\"_blank\">Rosemary Coogan</a>, were selected from a pool of more than 22,500 applicants across Europe.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IQ7KEC3WCBBEPKFWNZQGCZPBE4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139643},"content":"Meanwhile, aeronautical engineer <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/science/space/2024/06/20/aeronautical-engineer-and-researcher-from-mayo-to-go-to-space/\" target=\"_blank\">Dr Norah Patten</a> from Ballina, Co Mayo is set to become Ireland’s first person in space. Working with the International Institute for Astronautical Sciences, she has been selected for a commercial, Virgin Galactic, suborbital research flight. She is expecting to go within 12 months of the planned 2026 launch of Virgin’s new ship and will conduct experiments during the two-hour flight.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XFWRRZ35BRBFLNEEY5SBE66AOA","additional_properties":{"_id":"UYPUTE2H3JCRXENBGKWFN6UQ7M"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"JJEYB2IMNVCQRFWMZJWFVXRHA4","additional_properties":{"_id":"Q6NYWDG7INEBFNMZWP6OEW4HH4"},"content":"Meet the Irish women aiming to become space trailblazers","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"JUO3M6AKH5E5RBHAGLE55SFGM4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139644},"content":"Dr McNamee is in the process of submitting research experiments for Virgin Galactic, which she is hoping will be approved. She is working with Dr Aamir Hameed of the RCSI on a cardiology project relating to the fact that as the suborbital flight business grows, many of the passengers will be older and more likely to have heart issues.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMT6MOCILJGY5EDSHRMFGG6FYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139645},"content":"“We’re trying to develop safety standards for certain medical conditions. Are they safe to fly or not?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FWW4HSWNS5ECDLKKXCN2WTVCZU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730203139646},"content":"With space tourism being a niche market, McNamee looks to the “downstream” effects of space research for medicine in general. “I think quite a few of the applications from space have the potential to benefit a lot of people, which is what I find most interesting.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Sheila Wayman"}},"name":"Sheila Wayman"}]},"description":{"basic":"Dr Lisa McNamee looks to space for the benefit of terrestrial medicine"},"display_date":"2024-11-05T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How keeping astronauts healthy can tell us what on Earth to do","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"SQKXDRTIKVHYNMKPQC4WWMKVGI","auth":{"1":"98482825161b46cfcd9417f1b296d0b9db32cc1b64151b3b6d0af69bac754317"},"focal_point":{"x":1570,"y":2384},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/SQKXDRTIKVHYNMKPQC4WWMKVGI.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/05/how-keeping-astronauts-healthy-can-tell-us-what-on-earth-to-do/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"ZJUYPSD6U5DK5MIXT6MMRIBPSY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":331,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/a0834144-d00a-4c82-a137-34d14321e6ab/versions/1730208209/media/c43228f93ec0a18cf1dbf4a432beeccd_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/04/my-daughter-enjoys-college-but-it-is-getting-her-there-consistently-that-is-the-problem/","content_elements":[{"_id":"Y2H2LCSEUBHKPDEXJA4W7YLH44","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817964},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"BU23XC7NZBB53DR6HSCE5DL5VY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921267},"content":"<b>We have a 17-year-old daughter who is diagnosed with </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>autism</b></a><b> and has an Education, Health and Care plan (EHCP). She found mainstream secondary school too much, so eventually we were able to get her one-to-one support and she managed to get five GCSEs after not having attended school for three years.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"UIZ5DCR4HJHEBDK4HEAZS2GMAQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921268},"content":"<b>She is very bright and is now in college, but struggling once again to attend. It is like a barrier comes down and she can’t get out of the car. The difficulties start before she gets in the car – we can see from her body language and mannerisms whether she will or won’t go in.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5SILGACPBRFUHCUD2GGLOHT7YU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921269},"content":"<b>She enjoys college once there, but it is getting her there consistently that is the problem. Her attendance is now at 50 per cent, and there are questions being asked by the college as to whether this is the right setting for her. We feel it is the right place as she has come on in herself so much and her self-esteem has improved greatly. I wonder what we can do to support her to get over this or through this.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"6WSZKDGRNVAIPE4F6A63CH64FA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921270},"content":"<b>We all walk on eggshells at home. If I go into work she can’t go to college, so I have adjusted my work to suit, but I am not sure how long this will last for. Would appreciate any thoughts or suggestions you have.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"PCOFA6QVQVESTBK5KVO23BZMD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921271},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"KJSUQJXON5AGNHRT2LU5FLMKNQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817965},"content":"Many autistic teenagers can struggle with attending school or college. The college environment can be experienced as stressful and overwhelming, and may not match their learning styles nor meet their social nor sensory needs. This can lead to intense anxiety and avoidance, which makes it hard to attend, especially on days of increased stress. In addition, the daily stress can accumulate and lead to fatigue and burnout, meaning that on some days these teens don’t have the energy to attend.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPFBHVZ63NFQ7LLM7O5KMQOP34","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817966},"content":"Building a picture of your daughter’s needs","type":"header"},{"_id":"SHU2EHZCFVDZLNJ3AKKAMWWGMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817967},"content":"In trying to help your daughter, it is important to get a detailed understanding of her college experience and what is going well for her, and what is more challenging. It might be useful to sit down with her and go through the college day and consider all the different aspects.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RTH3N5WLAJHLFGRURBN5NADIYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921275},"content":"When working with teenagers, I find it useful to do a survey where I ask them to rate all aspects of the school day on a scale ranging from enjoyable to stressful. This might include 1) arrival, 2) assembly, 3) classes and teaching, 4) social chats in groups, 5) questions and interaction, 6) corridors and transition, 6) break and yard times, 7) departures, etc.","type":"text"},{"_id":"763SNEP2RFE3LGRBU4H52OSJCE","additional_properties":{"_id":"AQ4T3LAH3VGRJONXNENW53KIJ4"},"content":"‘Our daughter blames us for not realising years ago that she was autistic’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"M2DIDNFZZ5FPHB2UDD7JXF6ISU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817968},"content":"Such surveys can reveal surprising things that are going well (such as a love of a certain subject or a teaching style or a new friend), along with challenges you had not considered. One child I worked with found arrival at a busy school overwhelming, and so was given an accommodation of arriving slightly earlier and going to the library to meet a teacher. Another found pressure to speak up or to present work in front of the whole class provoked intense anxiety, and was given alternative ways to present their work to the teacher.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SEKMDEGVNZEPBCQXPNPOI5IUQE","additional_properties":{"_id":"OEY3ILQDNBHIJKLQBA3AKSFOZ4"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"O7TAGF6AU5AI5P6S6QNXJKVSTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817969},"content":"I am struck by the fact that you have already made a lot of progress, in that your daughter has moved from no attendance to 50 per cent in her new college. It is worth taking time to explore this. What is she enjoying more in the new college? What is making it easier to attend? This will give you clues as to how further progress can be made.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DS2NLE7T5NFM3LSRRZTY7LHUIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817970},"content":"Helping your daughter describe her experience","type":"header"},{"_id":"XA2E2JHWEZAYVPZRS7IYJKYSVY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817971},"content":"It is interesting that you can notice signs in your daughter’s body language that predict early on in the day how she is feeling. Try to help her articulate what is going on for her at these times so you can both have a better understanding. You might compassionately inquire: “Does it feel like a bad day? Tell me what you are feeling.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QME3ZDDYSNGZRIGBQ5GBUJI2CU","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817972},"content":"What might work in helping her depends on what is going on for her. For example, if she is fatigued and simply does not have the energy to take on the college day, it might be useful to anticipate this in advance and allow her to attend for reduced hours or to take the day off to recover. One teen I worked with was given a limited number of passes they could use to take a day off school when needed – giving them control like this avoided unnecessary daily battles to get them to school.","type":"text"},{"_id":"66PYLJKI2VG2PIBSNJZQ6YRCCI","additional_properties":{"_id":"3DULQJGHNNDBXBUYZ2SQMVXDPM"},"content":" How to advocate for and empower your neurodivergent child","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"MEHPCY2RLJFFTNHARCUQYP5OLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817973},"content":"Alternatively, if your daughter finds it hard to attend due to anxiety or worry about an aspect of the school day, you might explore how she can manage this anxiety and still attend. This is especially the case if she is enjoying school once she gets there, and the anxiety is holding her back. Managing anxiety like this takes a lot of patience and involves both trying to make changes in the school day to reduce the stress and supporting your daughter to cope with her outlook so it no longer stops her attending. You may need the support of an informed professional to assist with this, as well as the support of the teachers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"T6X74QTTNVFMDF5SYVTDMSZDKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817974},"content":"Working with the teachers","type":"header"},{"_id":"GQXXISFHRVCAFDCNHKSGWZRH4Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817975},"content":"It is important to collaboratively work with the college teachers to support your daughter’s attendance. Many of the accommodations that might make a difference, such as extra supports or changes to her school day, are ones that the school itself has to implement. Arrange a meeting and point out how much progress your daughter has made (improved self-esteem and moving from no attendance to 50 per cent), and ask for support in maintaining this progress.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S2KQ5X4NSVE3XPONXK6PBYXVLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730195921284},"content":"Hopefully your daughter’s EHCP will be useful in gaining the teachers’ co-operation and support. It can be useful to agree a shared plan of action and to review this at a date in the future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BBR345KNZBDC7JXWAXY5GRTU3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730193817976},"type":"list"},{"_id":"DEB4FLUZZFGFRISB3QEFZZ5CZI","additional_properties":{"_id":"HK32NPY4DVAM7E74O4LQFJR53M"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: Our daughter has autism and would not attend school for three years. Now at college, her attendance has improved greatly, but we walk on eggshells around her. How can we better support her?"},"display_date":"2024-11-04T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘My daughter enjoys college, but it is getting her there consistently that is the problem’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"IAWPWEYGH5HNRJBARLSSC32TMI","auth":{"1":"5159092834fc4ed8f9888e1c348905381b20c80303063b6dc078967a2ca2ec02"},"focal_point":{"x":1833,"y":1208},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/IAWPWEYGH5HNRJBARLSSC32TMI.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/11/04/my-daughter-enjoys-college-but-it-is-getting-her-there-consistently-that-is-the-problem/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"DYWYM4IFURHDDALOV6UP2M57XY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":423,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/5d6ea9e4-2f0d-4f31-8947-7fe31047f0b7/versions/1730471067/media/2415bb30f12361125a79d61c2467d799_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/opinion/2024/11/03/how-is-childless-clare-getting-on-i-wonder-is-she-happier-hungover/","content_elements":[{"_id":"SYBRBEMQYVBRVCE73MYYA27PKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763654},"content":"“You’ll never regret having children, but you might regret not having them” – or so people contemplating <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenthood</a> are often advised. But is that really true? Expressions of <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/\">parental regret</a>, where parents admit to regretting having some or all of their children, are regarded as one of the more resilient taboos in parental discourse. Recent candid discussion of the <a href=\"https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/oct/27/the-last-boundary-of-body-shaming-and-the-stories-none-of-us-want-to-tell\">gory physical toll of many childbirths</a> falls into a similar category – daring revelations concerning the psychological and physical costs of parenthood.","type":"text"},{"_id":"725GQRBUSVFP3KXPQTIGE3OCS4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763655},"content":"We associate taboos with unusual or minority positions, but is reflecting on the merits of having decided to have children not perfectly natural? This morning, 12 minutes deep into fraught discourse about whether the dinosaur cup was the right vessel for my daughter’s juice, it’s easy to drift into comparative reflection about a Clare that didn’t procreate.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PTEVVWJUVBGOPGGXDO22RJVCQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763656},"content":"Possible worlds help philosophers analyse the meaning of talk about possibility and necessity – ways things might or must be. Every way things could be represents a possible world, and any difference can distinguish a new possible world – for example, one where Denis Irwin decided to pursue <a href=\"https://www.balls.ie/uncategorized/denis-irwin-teenage-chess-prodigy-353666\">chess</a> competitively, instead of football.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ECXQ43JNUNAAJFSQ7NMWY6M7OQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763657},"content":"On the philosopher <a href=\"https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/david-lewis/\" target=\"_blank\">David Lewis’s </a>theory, all possible worlds are equally real. The difference between this <i>actual</i> world and others is that this is the world I’m in. The word “actual” is indexical, referring to the world where the relevant pronouncement is happening just as “me” refers to different people depending on the speaker. On this model, talk of what might’ve been possible <i>for me</i> is interpreted via sufficiently similar beings at other possible worlds called <i>counterparts</i>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5324NXFQZNESRFERAH34TSPUIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763658},"content":"People admitting regrets around having children are often interpreted as wishing their children didn’t exist. Contemplating the virtues of possible worlds where one didn’t reproduce provides a gentler way of thinking about those feelings.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7Z3FKE2TUBFUPPWPYUHBGHO4DA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763659},"content":"So, there’s a possible world where someone very like me didn’t have kids. How’s my childless counterpart getting on, I wonder? Is she happier? Surely, she <i>must </i>be better rested. With no 3am toddler bathroom visits or midnight baby-bottles, she’s presumably broaching breakfast with more pep in her step. No beverage negotiations for<i> her</i>. Actually though, I wonder is she hungover? No night-time care work might be freeing, but I have rarely paired freedom and rest, so why should it be different for a similarly chaotic counterpart?","type":"text"},{"_id":"3PKMSIAL7NFWLKTDLSBKETU7T4","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763660},"content":"Formal decision-making is about <i>maximising expected utility – </i>facing uncertainty, we go for the option with the greatest value or desirability<i>. </i>In reality, where we aren’t delivered the probabilities of outcomes on a platter, we must reason using imperfect projections about how life will be if we have children, or if we don’t. The number of relevant variables here is dizzying. Worse, even if we could know what life would be like (if we decide one way or another) we also need to know how we’ll feel about it, and that’s a level of hypothetical self-knowledge few could claim. Becoming a parent is transformative, at least with respect to knowledge – you truly can’t know how it’ll be until you do it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ITE77JR2ONC2TB7S2QYMPEON7U","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763661},"content":"Thus, you typically don’t opt in to having a child on <a href=\"https://lapaul.org/papers/whatCantExpect.pdf\">a rational basis</a>. Even just considering a few elements – the children, your health, the birth – thinking about the myriad ways any one might shake out can make deciding the case on the merits seem ridiculous. You commit to having a child, let’s say, but you can control almost nothing about them. You can’t even control how many will show up on the day. With so much uncertainty and vulnerability, one should expect waves and pockets of regret.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WFNQEQKXANB6TN4F2SYZ2SHHFY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763662},"content":"Perhaps wondering about whether my childless counterpart is happier is fruitless. However, it’s valuable to take seriously the idea that, amid all parenthood’s joy and meaning, there are costs and probably numerous valuable things that are made nonactual when we decide to do it. Our choices shape what regret and happiness mean to us at any time. When asking would I be happier if I didn’t have children, what do I mean by happy? If happiness reduces to comfort and autonomy, then sure, having children probably decreases my happiness fairly often. I can’t just abandon the breakfast table, and sometimes, I don’t love it there. However, there’s a version of happiness that is positively responsive to challenge and is enhanced by it.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DBNLRFAJHNBIXK47A6L4JZXKWA","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763663},"content":"We imagine the joy felt by those who commit to feats of great intensity – running marathons, mastering difficult skills – that’s not about comfort, but about doing something hard that we value. I could never run a marathon, but I’ve done some cold swims and some long ones, and there are absolutely points in the water where I’ve thought “it’s terrible here” and “I enormously regret taking this on”, in the course of a project which usually takes me to a proud, elated state in the end. They’re not perfectly analogous scenarios, but I think having children is similar: committing to an arduous pursuit of joy, which is no less difficult for being so common.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XZYAI4RSNH7TJ36K7VW6I5TSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763664},"content":"Discussions of parental costs show us how to make things better for families. If, as is common, parental regret disclosures are explained in terms of things such as the career collapse, relationship strain, damage to the body, the recent phenomenon of having your children remain in your home until their mid-30s, then, perhaps what seems like regretting parenthood is really regretting it in the current sociopolitical environment. Such admissions then provide a roadmap for how society could be improved to make parenthood and individual flourishing more mutually consistent.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VGXZ5QRTCBHDLA6IFEUZRXS6PY","additional_properties":{"_id":1730409763665},"content":"Public reflection on these topics is vital. It’s important to furnish the next generation of possible parents with information that will help them think these issues through (even if, as I believe, it’s unlikely to be a truly rational decision either way), but it’s also important for establishing the legitimacy of the choice not to have children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"44RLOXDV2BGZDAZCTZF4VDDGUI","additional_properties":{"_id":"TYYBBB3QJJBD7NO6N2AYXNRXHA"},"content":"Should you have children? These five philosophical questions can help you decide","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"JWJUIFAA6VGOHOV53I7VGW2QEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1730465488355},"content":"Many women who don’t want children report an experience of public distrust in their ability to know their own minds on this front. <i>Wait until you meet the right person. </i>Presumably, if more people were honest about regretting aspects of parenthood, or pining for elements of a life they don’t have because they have children, it would help bolster the credibility of the women who are routinely told they couldn’t possibly not want them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3TXQBAJRLVAPPKEIWTTEG5AHRE","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Clare Moriarty"}]},"description":{"basic":"Perhaps wondering about whether my childless counterpart is happier is fruitless"},"display_date":"2024-11-02T07:00:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"How is childless Clare getting on, I wonder? Is she happier? Hungover?","native":"Opinion: It is worth taking seriously the idea that there are costs to becoming a parent"},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EEML4AF6ZNCN5DANWPDSDEERRE","auth":{"1":"261aa65e6425e3761fe62cb9b1b5a5a48093fd98714745ba6bf809568b26e9b8"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EEML4AF6ZNCN5DANWPDSDEERRE.jpg"}},"subtype":"opinion","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Opinion"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/opinion/2024/11/03/how-is-childless-clare-getting-on-i-wonder-is-she-happier-hungover/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/opinion","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Opinion"}}}},{"_id":"NKE2IMYIUVHU3K56RXDOWU4XEM","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/victoria-smurfit-postpartum-depression-had-me-manically-sobbing-in-the-middle-of-ranelagh/","content_elements":[{"_id":"M5MQM6DMEFGF3GLCFRGF2IDIIY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854994},"content":"We all know that feeling of cringe, when you’re watching a movie or a series with your parents and a sex scene comes on. But what’s it like when your mother is actually in the sex scene? In this episode of Conversations with Parents, Hollywood actor <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/victoria-smurfit/\" target=\"_blank\">Victoria Smurfit</a> tells Jen Hogan how her children are coping with their mother’s steamy new role in the TV adaptation of Jilly Cooper’s Rivals. And she shares why she’s relieved none of her children seem likely to follow her into acting.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZP5VNYVOSNFRPMLULHJKWO3NKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854995},"content":"Victoria lives in London now, having for a time lived in LA. And while many of us have, from afar, and in horror, watched the terror of American school shootings on the television, she experienced that fear firsthand, when a text arrived from her daughter to say her school was on lockdown due to a shooter. She shares her experience, and her reaction to receiving the terrifying text, with Jen.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ENCOOOGW45DHJKRKNEI32GZYOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854996},"content":"Plus, she talks how she felt when she learned her eldest daughter, Evie, had a degenerative eye disease, Stargardt macular dystrophy “When you find out that your kid has this condition, or any condition, as a parent you just go ‘wait. Okay so how do I fix it? What do I do?... And they say, nothing’. That is pretty extraordinary”. And she explains why hope is now a real part of their lives once again.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KNET2RQA7FDCHPCB5N2FUBP5D4","additional_properties":{"_id":"DVF2QNMVRJH2JJRKNXPBVD2ODI"},"content":"Victoria Smurfit: ‘Postnatal depression is very real. You feel crazy’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"XS6WONSAMBAAFA54OSKLKR2IAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854997},"content":"After the birth of her third child, Flynn, Victoria had postnatal depression. She discusses sobbing on the street in Ranelagh, and the realisation that something was very wrong. “I was aware something was very wrong when I was in the hallway staring at the back of the hall door going ‘I could just walk out. Someone would find them. They’d be okay. I could just leave’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VAWSQKHJAVDHXJGT6FSCLJ5IJ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864854998},"content":"Victoria also talks about what it’s like to be a stepmother; why she believes micromanagement is “one of the worst things you can do” when it comes to parenting; and she shares how she’s coping now that her eldest child has flown the nest.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DKPERLST5NGNPKXIBW72AINCU4","additional_properties":{"_id":"G5BQEZ6NWVFF7FTBMMQHEIW2DA"},"content":"Rivals: The thrusting bum is intercut with spurting soap and overflowing champagne. We are in safe, if filthy, hands","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"5ANRTHJT5FAY5EDTFXGLGV2RTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729864855000},"content":"Listen to this episode of Conversations with Parents on the player above, or wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AQN7ZVWS3BBQHESON3ZDWE4T4E","additional_properties":{"_id":1730153069228},"content":"Rivals is out now on Disney+.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan: In this episode Hollywood actor Victoria Smurfit talks about how her children are coping with their mother’s steamy role in Rivals"},"display_date":"2024-10-29T06:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Victoria Smurfit: ‘Postpartum depression had me manically sobbing in the middle of Ranelagh’","native":""},"label":{},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"64SYN4AMFJ76JY3RVUZPX7DMNM","auth":{"1":"5d198db940c913879a3a5933c4e40467a9bea8d7e1ee6d5dabf6deba3341d01d"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/64SYN4AMFJ76JY3RVUZPX7DMNM.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2438.909333,"episodeTitle":"The Hollywood actor on adversity, hope and the battle to save her daughter's sight","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/671a376dfc51791280c40520.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/victoria-smurfit-postpartum-depression-had-me-manically-sobbing-in-the-middle-of-ranelagh/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"GFBZGAPD6FC5JJRT4PK7BDX35Q","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":520,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/d4ab64cc-78a0-4f26-8a83-9096d9a376e9/versions/1729524899/media/4410b8c3656f42d3b60a6730796f1501_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/","content_elements":[{"_id":"GRBNOZOAAVFZNHPIBKVHDP6TWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920562},"content":"Unconditional love and believing their children to be the best thing that has ever happened to them: that’s how <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parents </a>should feel and think about their children, we’re led to believe. And, typically, many parents do, even if there are times the children drive them to distraction. But these are easy things to say. This is the socially acceptable position to take about parenthood, in all its chaotic splendour.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"6VK3KGFQ65DSRDDADQJDQKVHRM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"U7WACBZ5ERGERNY7ACA3YSHI2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920563},"content":"Admitting parenthood isn’t all that, and maybe even something you think you shouldn’t have signed up to, on the other hand – well that’s a whole other conversation. And one you’re not likely to hear discussed openly.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XQF54BKFDFCYHGDVGB2QAXOFPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729100482234},"content":"Regretting parenthood, or wishing you hadn’t had some of your children, is a deeply guarded secret for some parents. And it’s one of the biggest <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting/\" target=\"_blank\">parenting </a>taboos. But just because something isn’t openly discussed, doesn’t mean it isn’t felt by plenty.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZAEBAQ63TNGJHBOJGANKBSMLXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920564},"content":"Maria was married for almost a decade before she decided to have children. “I just wasn’t a kiddie type of a person,” she says. “It didn’t appeal to me.” However, as her friends began to have children, she started to feel a bit “left out”. The couple were “will we, won’t we?” she says, before deciding they would have children. But, she adds, “I probably shouldn’t say this, but the husband often says, ‘if we hadn’t had those kids ... we could be on a beach in Spain or a beach in Portugal and retired by now’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"LPNJMPM7GREXTBTNPWGBPGLWMY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920565},"content":"“My husband would definitely say, if it were all to be done again, he wouldn’t do it. Me, I would say, the fear of missing out would keep me at it again.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KQ7QQ2ACCRFL7NTG26OEHHFP44","additional_properties":{"_id":1729100482238},"content":"The couple had a second child, as Maria is an only child and she didn’t want her child to be an only child too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WHOPDLG7VBGEXDBP6QCVU3VUHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920566},"content":"One of Maria’s children is <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/autism/\" target=\"_blank\">autistic</a>. She also has a teenager. “It’s not for the faint-hearted and nobody tells you. And even when you’re pregnant, all you think about is a cute little baby at the end of it. You don’t think about the practicalities of having to feed this [child] morning, noon and night, every day, several times a day and it’ll be thrown back at you.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"TLYJ5XKAABBYDFOYVCY35UFJFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729100482240},"content":"Having a child with additional needs makes things “a lot more complex”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K75MB25IOZFELCTBNSJAQESDNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920567},"content":"Maria believes people go into parenthood “completely with the eyes closed and with an idealised view of what it’s going to be like”. Parenthood is not what she expected, and she says she would caution other people before deciding to have children.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TJIHBRVL4REHHPHRVOVFT3OCYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"KJPXMNQHLZDYFJ2DGTNPILZQIY"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"25H7DR7G2RHARJZNWPFDGPHOPI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920568},"content":"She would tell anyone considering parenthood to “think it through. Don’t think about having a lovely little adorable bundle that is going to be cutesy and lovely. Think about the bleeding nipples, and the night-time feeds, and the screaming and roaring, and then what’ll come after that. When they’re portable, they’re one thing. When they speak back, they’re another.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"WI6FARH4HFDCJH22SYRCWP4DNA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920569},"content":"Samantha has four children. They’re all adults now, but three of them still live at home, she says. “Not only is [parenting] the hardest job, it’s the most thankless job,” she says. “I look at new babies and their mothers cooing over them and I’m like, ‘Enjoy it. Enjoy it while it lasts.’ Samantha enjoyed being pregnant, and giving birth and says the most amazing gift you’ll ever have “is having that baby put into your arms”, and she enjoyed having younger children. But she feels the current generation of young adults is “entitled and selfish”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UPIYNYCVQ5EWXIZRTEMCE4Z4XM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920571},"content":"“There are some times I regret having the kids,” she says. “They’re adults now and it’s now that I’m regretting it, rather than when I was younger. Which seems strange, because you would think they’re older, they’re adults, they have their own lives and they’re not going to interfere with yours.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"XZW4AEAHSVDW7CKTNYZ5RYEELI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398817},"content":"She says she gets “zero respect” from her children most of the time. She tries “to set boundaries and they’re just walked all over”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QMVK2WJYDZEK5BRDVXPLWQE53U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920572},"content":"She was a strict parent, she says, when her children were growing up. She and her partner are no longer together, and she says that although her children were not the cause of her relationship breaking down, they did play a role in the break-up. She had anticipated having some freedom as they got older, but the fact that they’re still living at home prevented her and her partner pursuing their long-term plans, placing an unsustainable pressure of her relationship.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5DZO4WMYC5CQPKONJ3X3JN2F2A","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920573},"content":"Samantha doesn’t feel this is something her children care about. She expected this stage of her life, with adult children, to “be easier”. But life hasn’t turned out that way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"D5HTGJHI2NAR5AHDWV2MYEGZZ4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920574},"content":"“Parenting is hard,” she says. She wonders whether, if her first two children hadn’t been the same gender, she’d have “continued” having children. She says the worry never ends, irrespective of your children’s age. “But there are times I think: f**k, why did I ever have them? Life would be so much simpler if I didn’t have kids. And I shouldn’t be saying that with adult children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4EHTFCUF7FEU7DX3D5TCYFQMQI","additional_properties":{"_id":"TUWMWYLS4JBFNM7YO6DSRTVD34"},"content":"Childfree by choice: ‘There’s a narrative that your life is either Sex and the City glamour or cat lady’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"GEE5ZPJH4RAWHCR7MV6VS5HQJQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920575},"content":"Ciarán has had “so many moments of regret” when it comes to parenthood. “They always seem to happen when I’ve been taxi driver, ferrying people about. School runs, shopping, soccer training, parents’ evenings and hospital appointments. There was a month when I seemed to be on the road from 8am until 11pm every single day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3B6DPCU2KNC6BF6DFNQV37A7GY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398822},"content":"He doesn’t feel he can admit publicly to regretting parenthood, or that he wouldn’t have children if he was to live his life over again. He fears doing so would mean he’d incur the wrath of those who “absolutely adore every minute of parenthood”, or “who can’t have children”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5TQBHXG3SBDVFJL2BDXEZARKLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398823},"content":"He has even told two of his children that they shouldn’t have children themselves in the future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y6KXJGSNBZF5JF4DJU3J7JQHGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920577},"content":"It’s not parenthood so much that Ciarán has the problem with. “I quite enjoy that,” he says, apart from the “tantrums, meltdowns and misbehaviour”. His issue is with how parenthood and expectations of parenthood have changed. “I left school thinking: if I got a job, find a girl, settle down and have kids, raise them, they’d move out and do the same. The housing crisis and having children with special needs has put a dent in that bit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"VEPJF2ZHRVGMXEUB6XNFBJURDA","additional_properties":{"_id":"3NK5H6MAJVBJ5KWROBI7QQH6ZU"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-30304","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"UDL3D7647ZCNHC6RGJ35JZFZG4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920578},"content":"Ciarán, who was adopted, misses the life he could have had. Being adopted, himself, made him want to have biological children of his own, he says. “If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been so desperate to have a family of my own.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HH4QFJMY55AV3L6GVLPIHXJJKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398826},"content":"Parental regret is something you would typically see “in the moment”, says Dr Colman Noctor, child and adolescent psychotherapist. A regret where you might “temporarily think, ‘I should never have had a child – this burden is too big’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X4AC2OWMHZDW3EDA54NFFTHCFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398827},"content":"It can occur, he says “during an argument, or tension, when a child is ill, or sick, or in hospital”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFT5BEGW2NFHTFSFDBBQCASTUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920580},"content":"With these sort of things “people can express regret in that moment. It would be more unusual for someone to say conclusively, ‘I should never have had kids – I constantly regret it and my mind never shifts from that’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"O3VHRRN2IRBDLBG2NJE3TT2QC4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398829},"content":"Noctor says there can be occasions where a child may be proving particularly testing for a parent and a parent may say, in that moment, “I wish I never had him. Or I wish he wasn’t my son. Or my daughter.” But this, says Noctor, is typically a “transitory” thing. “A heat of the moment experience, rather than it being something that is sustained and conclusive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BGG74GTD3ZDXHICQZ2FMVDVEW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729086920582},"content":"And transient feelings of regret are not something parents should feel guilty about, Noctor believes. “This is normal and fleeting.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZACB7HNWIJDRDJZJC7JXC4TI54","additional_properties":{"_id":1729522398831},"content":"“Permanent feelings [of regret] are a different story”, though he would advise a parent to talk to someone if they found themselves falling into this category. “Parents don’t always love their children. Many do love them, but at times of stress aren’t ‘in love’ with them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3RQ52TY6YNHP7CVHZTQOE7V4LY","additional_properties":{"_id":"D22JE2UK4NE6XBLWOFR5TVNJVI"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"DQIVGID6VREYTMQBJD4HI2YPHE","additional_properties":{"_id":1730109671287},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"TXVXIHGRLFC4RA6H56JJIQ5EIU","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting Taboos: Regretting parenthood, or wishing you hadn’t had some of your children, is a deeply guarded secret for some parents"},"display_date":"2024-10-29T06:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘There are times I regret having kids. They’re adults, and it’s now that I’m regretting it, which seems strange’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"},"basic":{"display":true,"text":"Top Stories of 2024"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"L7W4UY2QFBFGRFH7CSJTDKTDC4","auth":{"1":"25b4d37accf6f68e007461a82d0ed9875f94e3268cc8e4e0525d23667c3257d7"},"focal_point":{"x":2208,"y":694},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/L7W4UY2QFBFGRFH7CSJTDKTDC4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/29/there-are-times-i-regret-having-kids-theyre-adults-and-its-now-that-im-regretting-it-which-seems-strange/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"HHTAYQSV3VCGJKIOBKG4DQTBHY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":327,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/c6d3e89a-a526-482e-afc7-86dbdb03125b/versions/1729592766/media/6a4affac9182d93e5c3231a56562175f_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/28/some-ideas-for-parents-that-may-make-the-week-a-little-less-ghastly-for-all/","content_elements":[{"_id":"ZGVLJBIWOBDZTHFD37HEWJFVIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440511},"content":"“It’s gone ridiculous,” a friend said. “We’re like the States now. Turning <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/halloween/\" target=\"_blank\">Halloween</a> into another Christmas.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AK3KDDR5YBFLVJJYXHWALFUA5I","additional_properties":{"_id":1729591947818},"content":"And lookit, she’s probably right about bits of it. I mean what’s this “trick or treat” nonsense for one? When clearly it should be “help the Halloween party”. It’s a bit like that whole weird “mum” thing that some Irish people (including my own children) insist on calling their mothers, when obviously the only acceptable option is “mam”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PBDTUEWOVZFSBHGO6GUQRT7S3E","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440512},"content":"But, anyway, bah Halloween-bug to all who resist. And season’s greetings to those who, like me, revel in the magnificence of the occasion. Life’s too short and, let’s be honest, too grim on occasion to resist the opportunity for some frightful festivities. And so ghosts, pumpkins and random limbs on chains have hung outside our house now for near on a month. With some Halloween lights weaved through the hedging, as the ancient pagans would have wanted.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6XUVARIQDVBOHBN5S45ZMTV3NM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440513},"content":"And though last Friday nearly tipped me over the edge as I battled with face-paint, masks and decidedly unblackbaggy-based costumes, at stupid o’clock in the morning so that I could achieve the appropriate levels of scariness and still be on time for school, I am ready to embrace the scariest week of them all (well, in term 1). Yes, I’m talking about midterm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3OSESJKJFBAILO54FJYHIAPYD4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440514},"content":"Love it or loathe it, the juggle is back on, so here’s some terrifyingly good ideas I’ve tried and tested that may make the week a little less ghastly for all.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TGKNPCCZGFF2RHMQ6NGASEDVRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440515},"content":"1) Try a Halloween experience: Okay, so, this is a bit like the whole Christmas experience thing, but if your kids love dressing up and want some spooky feels that aren’t scary, there are lots of options available. <a href=\"https://luggwoodsevents.com/\" target=\"_blank\">Luggwoods </a>(outside Saggart Village in South Co Dublin) and the <a href=\"https://www.thehauntedtrail.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Haunted Trail</a> in both Malahide Castle (north Co Dublin) and Palmerstown House Estate (Co Kildare) are two that are aimed at younger children. As outdoor events, suitable clothing under the costumes is a must, and terrain at Luggwoods is difficult with a buggy, so it’s worth bearing that in mind if you can possibly manage without it. The Haunted Trail is accessible.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YQ2BU7RHIRC6BM4Y6V4XQ6SSYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440516},"content":"For the teens, the <a href=\"https://thenightmarerealm.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Nightmare Realm</a> (at Mary’s Lane, Dublin 1) is always a huge hit with the teenagers here. But it’s terrifying – the actors never break character. So, you might prefer to let them go alone, if you’re a scaredy cat like me!","type":"text"},{"_id":"JNNDRZXLUJDA7HZF2EGDHUECGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440517},"content":"The Tricky Trail at <a href=\"https://www.emeraldpark.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Emerald Park</a> (outside Ashbourne, Co Meath) can be a hit with all the ages, meanwhile. The trail itself is probably more suitable for those 10 and under – but there are rollercoasters and lots of other rides for all ages to enjoy while you’re there. So, if you’ve a wide age spread, there’s something for everyone.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6DANLA7Y2NGCVENRIAGCKXG3EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440518},"content":"2) <a href=\"https://hookheritage.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Hook Head Lighthouse</a> (Co Wexford): “It’s a brutal day for it,” I thought as we set off to explore Ireland’s oldest lighthouse, while the rain bucketed down and the winds blew a gale. Whereas the reality was it actually added to the whole experience. Hook Lighthouse is the oldest fully intact and fully operational lighthouse in the world and the guided tour of the lighthouse is excellent and really worth doing. The tour is interactive, which helps to keep the kids interested, and walking the stairs to the top (which are in between the walls) gives you an idea of the trek involved for those who operated the lighthouse in times gone by. Plus, the view from the top is simply spectacular. Just hold on to your hat, though. And dress warm!","type":"text"},{"_id":"JCYUN3IUOBBZ5MPJBDR5UOONLY","additional_properties":{"_id":"QUGE7LYPVNGLJCVDBSLYRN3DQU"},"content":"‘The graveyard of 1,000 ships’: How Hook lighthouse has offered protection to sailors for centuries","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"CRZOI3P3YJEYDEWX6Y2JQGGWVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440519},"content":"If you decide to take in an overnight break, while visiting the lighthouse, the Ferrycarrig Hotel has what those of us with larger families need from hotels – interconnecting rooms! And if that’s not enough, there’s a leisure centre with a kid’s pool and a family-friendly restaurant.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RRDZ4JVNAJEZ5EBZXXDWIALEYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440520},"content":"3. <a href=\"https://www.wildlands.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Wildlands in Galway</a> is a place you can visit for the day, or you can stay in one of their adorable cabins (and again there’s room for big families). There’s lots of different activities, suitable for all the different ages. Our personal favourites here were the Celtic challenge rooms, the ninja course and disc golf.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W37RPNCORJHJZPNPC3EJGFAIZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440521},"content":"And because it’s Halloween, there’s a Halloween dress-up murder mystery orienteering activity. Wildlands is a place for warm clothes and practical shoes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VDXDMEH4XRDHXJWM4MYKQMNPHU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440522},"content":"4. Halloween movies and books: Whether it’s in the cinema or on streaming services, there are lots of suitably spooky movies available for children of all ages. From Beetlejuice to Hocus Pocus, the Addams Family or the gorgeous Coco, Halloween movies needn’t be utterly terrifying.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HONZLOSECRDERA2MWQFETVOSGY","additional_properties":{"_id":"ODD3N5KFTRDNPHUE4FVMJRA36U"},"content":"Children’s fiction: Ghost stories for Samhain and tales of female fearlessness","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"SKJZUQY64BBGTH7SU5KB74FPVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440523},"content":"And the same goes for books. If you’d like to get them off screens, tell a ghost story, or get them reading. This year’s favoured spooky book here is Haunted Ireland: an Atlas of Ghost Stories from Every County by Kieran Fanning. The shock of learning a shopping centre in Carlow, where Gran and Grumps live, is haunted, has sent ripples through chez Hogan.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GQX5BY2BTNFHRCIMA4ZPE6WPHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729585440524},"content":"Happy Halloween!","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Jen Hogan: Halloween and midterm are coming but don’t be afraid, because there’s plenty that you and the kids might enjoy, from a haunted trail in north Dublin to a ninja course in Galway and a book with ghost stories from every county"},"display_date":"2024-10-28T05:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Some ideas for parents that may make the week a little less ghastly for all","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"UYQCVVPKNRA7DB2QXTWJROQOLI","auth":{"1":"772a1365ead5eab589ac5aca65f2da6e26696fd256a48a65bac1f096e47199a4"},"focal_point":{"x":1890,"y":1110},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/UYQCVVPKNRA7DB2QXTWJROQOLI.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/28/some-ideas-for-parents-that-may-make-the-week-a-little-less-ghastly-for-all/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"UN4DZXU6YRBJZIKMCN27YXS3ZM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":999,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/6e097a80-ff9a-45a7-89ea-6c510de01a80/versions/1729688270/media/ed9742b068814d88570e07264c4adb77_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/culture/2024/10/23/halloween-in-ireland-county-by-county-guide-to-the-best-free-family-events/","content_elements":[{"_id":"BBPBVY4IT5DHXMZJMLDRHWXJOY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787539},"content":"Finding spooky-themed things to do as a family during the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/halloween/\" target=\"_blank\">Halloween</a> holidays can be scary enough, especially when you have a tight budget. Luckily for you, we have compiled a list of free things for families to do during the midterm break in each county.","type":"text"},{"_id":"IFKLOIOG5VBL7GVTDMH5RL75XQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"BGWVFYDEXFA7LMTHWOQEVL33KI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"W5M3NWOQWBDQ7A5ORQMDD4XC24","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787540},"content":"Antrim","type":"header"},{"_id":"VPHT3QO42BG4LKFIKJ4R3GEVXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435710},"content":"Larne Park’s Halloween Hooley in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/antrim\" target=\"_blank\">Antrim</a> welcomes visitors on October 29th from 6-8:30pm. There’s plenty of festive fun to be had – from fire juggling shows and live music to spooky storytelling and a UV disco. Come along and meet some of your favourite Halloween characters on a self-guided walk through the park, which takes about an hour to complete. <a href=\"https://www.midandeastantrim.gov.uk/events/halloween-hooley-at-larne-town-park\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"SNWRO5A3FBBAFN3R5M2BC6MU64","additional_properties":{"_id":1729640119476},"content":"Screams and Tricks at V36 in Newtownabbey promises thrills and chills for all the family, whether you want to hop on board the more daring rides or wander through the haunted house. The park’s amusements will be available to enjoy between Friday, October 25th and Sunday, November 3rd, from 5-9pm, with an adapted session on Sunday, 27th October from 2-4pm when light and sound levels on the funfair attractions will be reduced. Entry is free but you should book your tickets in advance <a href=\"https://discovernorthernireland.com/whats-on/screams-and-tricks-at-v36-p927531\" target=\"_blank\">here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"CQLJO6KM5NAMFF4UIHZW4K65VY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787543},"content":"Armagh","type":"header"},{"_id":"SHBUF2J2DNBDVFAP4ZUKKZUELM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787544},"content":"Head down to Craigavon Lakes in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/armagh\" target=\"_blank\">Armagh</a> this October 31st for the return of their annual fireworks extravaganza. The display gets started at 7.30pm. Costumes are encouraged so make sure to show up in your most fang-tastic finery to watch as Craigavon lights up the night.","type":"text"},{"_id":"7QI26LMRPJDRRPHY4SVD6FSZDY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787546},"content":"Carlow","type":"header"},{"_id":"UGTGW7BEHBELNIAVZZDGAAASF4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435715},"content":"Mark the end of the harvest season and the start of winter with Visual’s Samhain Festival in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/carlow\" target=\"_blank\">Carlow</a>, which will take place between Friday, October 25th and Sunday, October 27th. There will be terrifying theatre, heart-pounding scavenger hunts, workshops, talks and mesmerising music galore to keep you entertained through the weekend. Find out more about the activities in store <a href=\"https://visualcarlow.ie/whats-on/samhain-festival-2024\" target=\"_blank\">here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XZBHGBXEQFBU5DI74L4URV5H5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787549},"content":"Cavan","type":"header"},{"_id":"WDNORNT7RFADNLAUL7I5Q7KJFI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787550},"content":"Erica’s Fairy Forest is located in Fairgreen, on the Old Bridge Road, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cavan/\" target=\"_blank\">Cavan</a>, right by the border to Co Monaghan. Dedicated to fairy-loving Erica Ní Draighneain, who died of cancer aged five years old in 2016, the trail contains classic fairy stories throughout. It will be decorated with suitably spooky decor for the Halloween season.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2OVWXGRSIFGABGY2G7YDFNXXEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435720},"content":"Castlerahan Community Centre is hosting a free Creepy Coding & Crafts Camp on October 28th and 29th from 10am-12pm. Booking is required as spaces are limited and parents must attend. Enquiries can be made through Ann Kinsella on 086 6018559.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N2FNMHI2BJHXTMF24FJVYLDTW4","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787551},"content":"Clare","type":"header"},{"_id":"VOSFHBKJJJHHFJIS42LIPWNLOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435722},"content":"Join <a href=\"https://clarelibraries.ie/instance/4643/\" target=\"_blank\">Ennis Library’s</a> Eilish for a Halloween storytime and craft session on October 29th in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/clare/\" target=\"_blank\">Clare</a> aimed at children ages 3-7 years old. The event starts at 3:30pm and is expected to last an hour. Dressing up is optional! Contact de Valera Library to book your place.","type":"text"},{"_id":"R6V5SCZ4AJCSNA46DN3ROMBL7A","additional_properties":{"_id":"KWJ6AIFOSVDYDEJRINUYQVG3GQ"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"HSLSGYLH4NDFPC3ESMXSNVGOIM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787554},"content":"Cork","type":"header"},{"_id":"VQK5JX63SVE3XPYCKNGRP7HHCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258191},"content":"Charles Fort in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/cork/\" target=\"_blank\">Cork</a> is holding its Halloween Gruesome Ghostly Trail from Saturday, October 26th to Sunday, November 3rd. Discover eight tags hidden around the fort with tales of terrifying spirits that have roamed the military fortress for centuries. Children under 12 go free. <a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/charles-forts-gruesome-ghostly-trail/\" target=\"_blank\">Learn more here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"RKRKQ2PKTRGGRFSKPP5RFHBJUE","additional_properties":{"_id":"GIXD3OKM2BBZPP3SXSLITHTU7U"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"BILZQ3E2LVBFBP67CM6ZRUVDBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787556},"content":"Derry","type":"header"},{"_id":"UKP5IFEBLNGBLO2ZMTCDM5XPLQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787557},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/derry\" target=\"_blank\">Derry</a> Halloween, also known as Europe’s largest Halloween festival, will run from October 28th-31st. A variety of free events will be available for all ages, including highlights such as a carnival parade on Halloween night at 7pm and a fireworks display over the river Foyle starting at 8.15pm. <a href=\"https://derryhalloween.com/\" target=\"_blank\">See more here</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2N4FYMSY3JC6DEKVVUZZFHJSUQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787558},"content":"Donegal","type":"header"},{"_id":"F4RA4TFI4FB2RLBIWSUE6VRU4Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787559},"content":"A Halloween Craft Market will be held in Bundoran Community Centre in Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/donegal\" target=\"_blank\">Donegal</a> on Saturday, October 26th and Sunday, October 27th from noon to 5pm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RINCGO4UYJFKRLZKXB6VL5IJRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729640119492},"content":"Letterkenny’s annual Halloween Fest on Thursday 31st also offers fun for all the family, with activities such as a trick or treat trail in participating shops from 1-3pm (list available at Market Centre), Witch Gertude Storytelling sessions at 1:30pm and 2:30pm in the Central Library and a fancy dress competition. This year’s festival parade will be leaving McGettigans Hotel at 4pm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"53JZTHBLKZEGBKBRDU7UXQLWLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787560},"content":"Down","type":"header"},{"_id":"J7RVP462DVCH5IHWSVXB7CTTEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787561},"content":"Why not celebrate Halloween at Hillsborough Castle and Gardens in Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/down\" target=\"_blank\">Down</a>, there’s a bunch of activities to immerse yourself and the kids in from October 26th to November 3rd. Navigate the twisty maze, spot some scarecrows and carve your own pumpkin. Or maybe you’d fancy challenging the family to some classic Halloween games – from conker tournaments to apple bobbing and welly tossing there’s something for everyone. See their website for <a href=\"https://www.hrp.org.uk/hillsborough-castle/whats-on/halloween-at-hillsborough-castle-and-gardens/#gs.h20p1r\" target=\"_blank\">further details.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"2RACUTK5EFBVXAKCNG2FZEPDOE","additional_properties":{"_id":"IVSS7L6545EWDJRYBVAWDFN2NY"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"NWJSY2Q3AVEJDDTHSPDPEHJ6NU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787562},"content":"Dublin","type":"header"},{"_id":"L3GVIQ4KYJHNJDUDVUKKPRQXBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787563},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/dublin\" target=\"_blank\">Dublin</a> City Council has a jam-packed line-up of events in collaboration with community groups across the city for spooky season, including the Liberties Haunt with its street performers and live performances, and Dockers & Demons featuring haunted house experiences and arts and crafts workshops. Ringsend’s Big Top Festival Circus tent will come alive with eerie entertainment on October 30th and 31st. Find out more about these free events at <a href=\"https://www.dublincity.ie/events?type=779\" target=\"_blank\">dublincity.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"TYCBPFKLQFDEVKPTFHYSS7VLQY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729619950229},"content":"A firm annual favourite on the Halloween calendar, the Bram Stoker Festival has a full programme of events on offer for those in the capital city, home of the Dracula author, from October 25th-28th. While some activities need to be paid for, there are also many free ones including Frank & McStein’s Monster Laboratory (an exciting fire spectacle taking place at Dublin Castle) and pop-up Victorian fun park Stokerland. Find details of these and much more on their official <a href=\"https://bramstokerfestival.com/en/page/whats-on/?filter=free\" target=\"_blank\">website.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVMXF4JWMNEP7OGJMU5LBSZFEM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787568},"content":"Fermanagh","type":"header"},{"_id":"GWUKY74KB5G33O6EOOU7U45CTU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787569},"content":"In Enniskillen, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/fermanagh\" target=\"_blank\">Fermanagh</a> there will be a Halloween parade and fireworks display to look forward to on October 31st, with events kicking off from 4:30pm and fireworks expected to begin after dark at about 8pm. The parade promises puppets and dancers galore, all to be followed by some free ice cream and activities such as face painting in the town centre. DJ Bob will also be providing tunes in the Diamond.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YXLIR7EJANFRXFJHKFTOOOOF6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":"SBXDLTXRIFFK5PPTDYHF4C7J6A"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"2BIDQAQ7D5AN5HE4A6BU2FPQCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787570},"content":"Galway","type":"header"},{"_id":"2OZMGDECTFHU3CU44DNFCZ3CLI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787571},"content":"Award-winning theatre company Macnas are inviting everyone to join them in welcoming a special visitor to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/galway/\" target=\"_blank\">Galway</a> this Halloween, Alf the Newt. Alf will be making his journey through the city on Saturday and Sunday, 26th -27th October, beginning at the Quadrangle until eventually arriving at his new home in the Claddagh on Sunday evening. Children and parents alike are encouraged to join Alf on his route or come and say hello in Eyre Square, where he will be resting from 1-10pm Saturday and 10am-6pm Sunday.<a href=\"https://thisisgalway.ie/event/macnas-halloween-parade-2024/\" target=\"_blank\"> Find out more here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"L676NN5OP5CTLKF4ZFSRVXXOUI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729608556878},"content":"Aughnanure Castle will be hosting a range of free events from Saturday, October 26th to Monday, October 28th, starting with a short play, Paranoiacs Anonymous by Hy-FAE Artist’s Collective, taking place on the castle’s top floor. Although this performance is not recommended for children, there will be storytelling, spooky face painting, a family scavenger hunt, a costume competition and much more to keep the kids entertained on Sunday 27th. See <a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/halloween-at-aughnanure-castle/\" target=\"_blank\">heritageireland.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"BE5SCPFE7ZHG3KAWJ4IZUODOIE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787573},"content":"Kerry","type":"header"},{"_id":"QGSGLFDAYJHHLNJJQA2ZMVIMMA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435740},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/kerry\" target=\"_blank\">Kerry</a>’s Homecoming Festival will run from October 18th to November 1st, with almost 50 free events and activities to enjoy. Highlights range from storytelling, stargazing and Jack-o-lantern carving to genealogy workshops and heritage talks.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RK467ZQJCFAUJBGRYUBCRRYWAY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787575},"content":"Kildare","type":"header"},{"_id":"VWW6LROLOFEQVNIKYSDOZNVPLE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787576},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/kildare\" target=\"_blank\">Athy</a>’s annual Halloween Spooktacular will take place on Halloween night starting in Emily Square with a fancy dress parade at 6.30pm. An evening full of activity is promised, with a laser drumming show and prizes for the best carved pumpkin and best fancy dress to be won.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KOQYUCT3PFDE5GRO45CVHWBODQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435743},"content":"Newbridge’s Whitewater Shopping Centre are also holding some seasonal activities to warm up for the big event, including face painting and a petting zoo which will be open on Monday 28th from 2-5pm.","type":"text"},{"_id":"ZZPBMNLYEJCGTEUTPK25TTE3DA","additional_properties":{"_id":"QE7HE2U4AVCRXESXEO25PI64YY"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"UWSYKZLAXVE57POBIS7SFLH3OI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787577},"content":"Kilkenny","type":"header"},{"_id":"DYT5EPLIKNALPPD5TZP4XCKI2E","additional_properties":{"_id":1729619950240},"content":"Step back in time to 1324 and uncover the chilling tale of Ireland’s first witchcraft trial during <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/kilkenny\" target=\"_blank\">Kilkenny</a>’s newest festival, Toil & Trouble, running from October 28th to November 3rd. Through various exhibitions, workshops, lectures and walking tours in the town you can learn the story of Alice Kyteler, who was accused of witchcraft and heresy by the Bishop of Ossory, Richard Ledrede. The festival also explores the tragic fate of Petronella de Meath, the first person in Ireland to be executed for witchcraft. Discover all the ways you can commemorate the 700th anniversary of these dark events on their <a href=\"https://content.kilkenny.ie/toilandtrouble/index.html\" target=\"_blank\">website.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"GZ56UX7UYRH7JJQQNKL7BAYKGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787580},"content":"Laois","type":"header"},{"_id":"WPNGTKWNRFHIXG3OKUOMI6SDWE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787581},"content":"Take in the Halloween atmosphere with some festive markets in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/laois/\" target=\"_blank\">Laois</a>. Glenbarrow Halloween Market on October 26th kicks off at 11am, carrying on until 5pm, and Bloom HQ’s Halloween Market at the Macra Hall will offer even more arts and crafts, face painting and seasonal goodies on the same day if you prefer an indoor setting. The latter option begins at 11am, wrapping up at 1:30pm. <a href=\"https://laoistourism.ie/2024/spooktacular-events-to-celebrate-halloween-in-laois.html\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5QG2CWSFUREWFPNVDVG2CIIXZQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787582},"content":"Leitrim","type":"header"},{"_id":"KN4E5XSRFBAZPPZZTUKTMGYNLY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787583},"content":"<a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/spooky-halloween-tales-at-parkes-castle/\" target=\"_blank\">Parke’s Castle</a> in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/leitrim\" target=\"_blank\">Leitrim</a> will host its Spooky Halloween Tales event on Monday, 28th October from 12-4pm. Brave souls are encouraged to come along for an afternoon of ghost stories, face painting and fancy dress. If you get lucky you might even catch a glimpse of the castle’s very own ghost, Lady Anne.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BAR4MVB6SJDP7B6HCGIHJPSTEQ","additional_properties":{"_id":"KCGN6BCQNFEDJFHX77ARJVNSEI"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"73PC7TOESNC3TGPTOT5F2YXVCU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787584},"content":"Limerick","type":"header"},{"_id":"6AX6UT2JIZCR5MF32X3ALD36RA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787585},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/limerick/\" target=\"_blank\">Limerick</a>’s Lumen Street Theatre will present their Fire and Shadows Parade at the city’s Samhain Halloween Festival this bank holiday weekend. Make sure to gather outside the Potato Market at 7pm to catch the beginning of the parade on Saturday 26th.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6EX5CQ6LKNAOVBKWUBWGXJK4TA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258217},"content":"Other events to look forward to include historian Dr Paul O’Brien’s night-time tour of St John’s Churchyard on Friday 25th, starting at 8pm, and Drunken Thady and The Bishops Lady, running from October 20th to 28th at the Watchhouse Library. <a href=\"https://www.limerick.ie/council/newsroom/news/halloween-in-limerick-2024-lots-of-tricks-plenty-of-treats\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"NLBZGQDYAFA4NAIGCGUP7GYUYA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787586},"content":"Longford","type":"header"},{"_id":"6EX5CQ6LKNAOVBKWUBWGXJK4TA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258217},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/longford\" target=\"_blank\">Longford</a> Library is offering a series of Halloween events aimed at young children that will place between October 29th and 31st. From a spooky movie screening and an arts and crafts workshop to spooky storytelling with Maggi – there will be endless entertainment. All activities are free but booking is required.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4KNAB7GEZFHWNDTEQ3KLA3S4SU","additional_properties":{"_id":"FXRBG5EJSNGO3ABM5ERIEECTAI"},"content":"<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBPILUnvq-X/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\"><div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBPILUnvq-X/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\"> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"></div></div></div><div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https://www.w3.org/2000/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\"> <div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\"><div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: auto;\"> <div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"></div></div></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"></div></div></a><p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBPILUnvq-X/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Lú Festival of Light, Drogheda (@lu_festival_of_light_drogheda)</a></p></div></blockquote>\r\n<script async src=\"//www.instagram.com/embed.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"ZAJTMC6BK5DTZB5TYKDE5XEFMQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787588},"content":"Louth","type":"header"},{"_id":"CEUBTLA2MBFMVI6JUNA3XGIAYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258220},"content":"Lú Festival of Light in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/louth\" target=\"_blank\">Louth</a> will take place over two weekends, running from October 25th-27th and October 31st to November 3rd in Drogheda. The display of urban animation is free to attend, with four shows taking place per hour at many key locations in the town such as Drogheda’s Old Abbey, St Peters Church, St Dominic’s Bridge and St Laurence’s Gate. The illuminations focus on magical stories rooted in the Boyne Valley region, including those of Boann, the Salmon of Knowledge, Amergin and the Gods of Newgrange. See <a href=\"http://lufestivaloflight.com/\" target=\"_blank\">lufestivaloflight.com</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"VQTTDNG5S5DJFB2GTK73KVZULM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787590},"content":"Mayo","type":"header"},{"_id":"JV52HZ4JAJCMTPDPCADHKPFFBM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787591},"content":"The National Museum of Ireland – Country Life has an exciting Halloween programme lined up in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mayo\" target=\"_blank\">Mayo</a>, with plenty of free activities and performances taking place between October 25th and November 3rd. From storytelling with Fiona Dowling, drop-in craft workshops such as Halloween mask making with artist Carmel Balfe, and a scary objects activity trail – there’s something creative and educational for the whole family. See NMI website for<a href=\"https://www.museum.ie/en-IE/Museums/Country-Life/Events\" target=\"_blank\"> more details.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"AVDM35XOVFBKVOLIEDSVZ64OPI","additional_properties":{"_id":"5VVGPPWMLBCSDA3MDQQ6DQAEF4"},"content":"<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAtAHkOq1tg/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\"><div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAtAHkOq1tg/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\"> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"></div></div></div><div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https://www.w3.org/2000/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\"> <div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\"><div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: auto;\"> <div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"></div></div></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"></div></div></a><p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/reel/DAtAHkOq1tg/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Púca Festival (@pucafestivalireland)</a></p></div></blockquote>\r\n<script async src=\"//www.instagram.com/embed.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"OWZXPUKKKBAGTKFN24VBKNW4X4","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787593},"content":"Meath","type":"header"},{"_id":"IVZTIC727REJVNBQUX4TGCMR6I","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258224},"content":"Púca Festival is happening in Trim and Athboy, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/meath\" target=\"_blank\">Meath</a> from Thursday, October 31st to Sunday, November 3rd. Although some events are ticketed, the festival’s grand closing, starting at 6pm on November 2nd, is free. The event will consist of a procession combining creative street performance with traditional Irish music featuring a range of local talent: sean-nós singers, ancient horns, and a chorus of singers. Celebrations will continue at Trim Castle where Pyro Collective will light up the night with a fire display. See <a href=\"http://pucafestival.com/\" target=\"_blank\">pucafestival.com</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"F7GCNP6MGNASZGTE3TLC252IKY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787595},"content":"Monaghan","type":"header"},{"_id":"LHDW3X6PVVA6DHCLAEMZ6E5LFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787596},"content":"Carrickmacross’s annual Féile Samhain will be taking place at the Carrick Emmets GAA grounds in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/monaghan\" target=\"_blank\">Monaghan</a> again this year, with gates opening at 6.30pm and fireworks kicking off at 8pm. Prizes will be presented to the best dressed children and adults on the night so make sure to come wearing your most frightful outfit.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6GOPE65EP5HIXJJ2IOZLXF7NLY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787597},"content":"Offaly","type":"header"},{"_id":"D42E22FAYJCZVG72GEDN4KECAU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787598},"content":"St. Mary’s Primary School in Edenderry, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/offaly\" target=\"_blank\">Offaly</a> has organised a family-friendly creative movement session led by yoga instructor Helen Keenan. The event is part of the Creative Places: Edenderry Step it Up! project funded by Healthy Offaly. Fancy dress is encouraged.","type":"text"},{"_id":"W6K7VGCTXNE73NA2IPQSCTRMKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787599},"content":"Roscommon","type":"header"},{"_id":"PRVIXWGV4ZD4ZCR5EPY6YMNGNU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729608556904},"content":"Lough Key Forest and Adventure Park in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/roscommon\" target=\"_blank\">Roscommon</a> are hosting their Lough SpooKey event again this year from Sunday, October 27th until Sunday, November 3rd. There will be several family-friendly free events taking place throughout the week, including face painting and kids games with Rachel from Fierce Fun Faces, puppet shows with Custard Pie Puppets and a fancy dress disco with prizes to be won for the best dressed ghouls and goblins in attendance. See <a href=\"http://loughkey.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">loughkey.ie</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"5F52G42WGRHRFJ5FWD5XIEDOTE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787601},"content":"Sligo","type":"header"},{"_id":"FIUDZAP4MNFYNMAXOYQ3JRRRPY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787602},"content":"This year’s Scary Woods Walk on October 31st will take place from 10am-2pm in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/sligo\" target=\"_blank\">Sligo</a>. Organised by Tireragh community support group, this winding walk route will take you through Kilglass House and Woodland with plenty of artwork, spooky props and frights in store along the way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"EBOBOJ37H5DEJHVL2RIPP7GCCY","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787604},"content":"Tipperary","type":"header"},{"_id":"BC5K5XYI6VBLNAFTVIMHEHM3AY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258234},"content":"For an afternoon of seasonal education in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tipperary\" target=\"_blank\">Tipperary</a>, you can learn all about the Rock of Cashel on <a href=\"https://heritageireland.ie/whats-on/halloween-at-the-rock-of-cashel/\" target=\"_blank\">Monday 28th October.</a> Listen to guides as they divulge chilling stories about the Rock’s history and take you on a tour through the graveyard. From tales of ghosts and grave-robbers to werewolves, there’s sure to be something that will haunt everyone in the audience. Costume attire is encouraged.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GOBZ2MUSRJAD7KTI2QUH3P4JDU","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787606},"content":"Tyrone","type":"header"},{"_id":"FTC35XQZYJAXFJIRJUEJXSG7TE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729630435777},"content":"Dungannon’s Halloween Festival in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tyrone\" target=\"_blank\">Tyrone</a> is taking place in the town on Friday 25th with a fireworks display to look forward to at 7:45pm from Hill of the O’Neill. Other highlights include a bewitching fire juggler performance, DJ, face painting in the Square Box, Ranfurly House and Glasgowbury Samba Band. <a href=\"https://www.midulstercouncil.org/events-listing/events/dungannon-halloween\" target=\"_blank\">More here.</a>","type":"text"},{"_id":"UQVXZZXTPRHX7IG7N3C6DOVWAA","additional_properties":{"_id":"2S4JZJAO5FBDVHIGNT4DOH2QLY"},"content":"<blockquote class=\"instagram-media\" data-instgrm-captioned data-instgrm-permalink=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBMLXhpPTbo/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" data-instgrm-version=\"14\" style=\" background:#FFF; border:0; border-radius:3px; box-shadow:0 0 1px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.5),0 1px 10px 0 rgba(0,0,0,0.15); margin: 1px; max-width:540px; min-width:326px; padding:0; width:99.375%; width:-webkit-calc(100% - 2px); width:calc(100% - 2px);\"><div style=\"padding:16px;\"> <a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBMLXhpPTbo/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" background:#FFFFFF; line-height:0; padding:0 0; text-align:center; text-decoration:none; width:100%;\" target=\"_blank\"> <div style=\" display: flex; flex-direction: row; align-items: center;\"> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 40px; margin-right: 14px; width: 40px;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 100px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 60px;\"></div></div></div><div style=\"padding: 19% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display:block; height:50px; margin:0 auto 12px; width:50px;\"><svg width=\"50px\" height=\"50px\" viewBox=\"0 0 60 60\" version=\"1.1\" xmlns=\"https://www.w3.org/2000/svg\" xmlns:xlink=\"https://www.w3.org/1999/xlink\"><g stroke=\"none\" stroke-width=\"1\" fill=\"none\" fill-rule=\"evenodd\"><g transform=\"translate(-511.000000, -20.000000)\" fill=\"#000000\"><g><path d=\"M556.869,30.41 C554.814,30.41 553.148,32.076 553.148,34.131 C553.148,36.186 554.814,37.852 556.869,37.852 C558.924,37.852 560.59,36.186 560.59,34.131 C560.59,32.076 558.924,30.41 556.869,30.41 M541,60.657 C535.114,60.657 530.342,55.887 530.342,50 C530.342,44.114 535.114,39.342 541,39.342 C546.887,39.342 551.658,44.114 551.658,50 C551.658,55.887 546.887,60.657 541,60.657 M541,33.886 C532.1,33.886 524.886,41.1 524.886,50 C524.886,58.899 532.1,66.113 541,66.113 C549.9,66.113 557.115,58.899 557.115,50 C557.115,41.1 549.9,33.886 541,33.886 M565.378,62.101 C565.244,65.022 564.756,66.606 564.346,67.663 C563.803,69.06 563.154,70.057 562.106,71.106 C561.058,72.155 560.06,72.803 558.662,73.347 C557.607,73.757 556.021,74.244 553.102,74.378 C549.944,74.521 548.997,74.552 541,74.552 C533.003,74.552 532.056,74.521 528.898,74.378 C525.979,74.244 524.393,73.757 523.338,73.347 C521.94,72.803 520.942,72.155 519.894,71.106 C518.846,70.057 518.197,69.06 517.654,67.663 C517.244,66.606 516.755,65.022 516.623,62.101 C516.479,58.943 516.448,57.996 516.448,50 C516.448,42.003 516.479,41.056 516.623,37.899 C516.755,34.978 517.244,33.391 517.654,32.338 C518.197,30.938 518.846,29.942 519.894,28.894 C520.942,27.846 521.94,27.196 523.338,26.654 C524.393,26.244 525.979,25.756 528.898,25.623 C532.057,25.479 533.004,25.448 541,25.448 C548.997,25.448 549.943,25.479 553.102,25.623 C556.021,25.756 557.607,26.244 558.662,26.654 C560.06,27.196 561.058,27.846 562.106,28.894 C563.154,29.942 563.803,30.938 564.346,32.338 C564.756,33.391 565.244,34.978 565.378,37.899 C565.522,41.056 565.552,42.003 565.552,50 C565.552,57.996 565.522,58.943 565.378,62.101 M570.82,37.631 C570.674,34.438 570.167,32.258 569.425,30.349 C568.659,28.377 567.633,26.702 565.965,25.035 C564.297,23.368 562.623,22.342 560.652,21.575 C558.743,20.834 556.562,20.326 553.369,20.18 C550.169,20.033 549.148,20 541,20 C532.853,20 531.831,20.033 528.631,20.18 C525.438,20.326 523.257,20.834 521.349,21.575 C519.376,22.342 517.703,23.368 516.035,25.035 C514.368,26.702 513.342,28.377 512.574,30.349 C511.834,32.258 511.326,34.438 511.181,37.631 C511.035,40.831 511,41.851 511,50 C511,58.147 511.035,59.17 511.181,62.369 C511.326,65.562 511.834,67.743 512.574,69.651 C513.342,71.625 514.368,73.296 516.035,74.965 C517.703,76.634 519.376,77.658 521.349,78.425 C523.257,79.167 525.438,79.673 528.631,79.82 C531.831,79.965 532.853,80.001 541,80.001 C549.148,80.001 550.169,79.965 553.369,79.82 C556.562,79.673 558.743,79.167 560.652,78.425 C562.623,77.658 564.297,76.634 565.965,74.965 C567.633,73.296 568.659,71.625 569.425,69.651 C570.167,67.743 570.674,65.562 570.82,62.369 C570.966,59.17 571,58.147 571,50 C571,41.851 570.966,40.831 570.82,37.631\"></path></g></g></g></svg></div><div style=\"padding-top: 8px;\"> <div style=\" color:#3897f0; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:550; line-height:18px;\">View this post on Instagram</div></div><div style=\"padding: 12.5% 0;\"></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: row; margin-bottom: 14px; align-items: center;\"><div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(0px) translateY(7px);\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; height: 12.5px; transform: rotate(-45deg) translateX(3px) translateY(1px); width: 12.5px; flex-grow: 0; margin-right: 14px; margin-left: 2px;\"></div> <div style=\"background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; height: 12.5px; width: 12.5px; transform: translateX(9px) translateY(-18px);\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: 8px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 50%; flex-grow: 0; height: 20px; width: 20px;\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 2px solid transparent; border-left: 6px solid #f4f4f4; border-bottom: 2px solid transparent; transform: translateX(16px) translateY(-4px) rotate(30deg)\"></div></div><div style=\"margin-left: auto;\"> <div style=\" width: 0px; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-right: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(16px);\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; flex-grow: 0; height: 12px; width: 16px; transform: translateY(-4px);\"></div> <div style=\" width: 0; height: 0; border-top: 8px solid #F4F4F4; border-left: 8px solid transparent; transform: translateY(-4px) translateX(8px);\"></div></div></div> <div style=\"display: flex; flex-direction: column; flex-grow: 1; justify-content: center; margin-bottom: 24px;\"> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; margin-bottom: 6px; width: 224px;\"></div> <div style=\" background-color: #F4F4F4; border-radius: 4px; flex-grow: 0; height: 14px; width: 144px;\"></div></div></a><p style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; line-height:17px; margin-bottom:0; margin-top:8px; overflow:hidden; padding:8px 0 7px; text-align:center; text-overflow:ellipsis; white-space:nowrap;\"><a href=\"https://www.instagram.com/p/DBMLXhpPTbo/?utm_source=ig_embed&utm_campaign=loading\" style=\" color:#c9c8cd; font-family:Arial,sans-serif; font-size:14px; font-style:normal; font-weight:normal; line-height:17px; text-decoration:none;\" target=\"_blank\">A post shared by Ireland's Ancient East (@irelandsancienteast)</a></p></div></blockquote>\r\n<script async src=\"//www.instagram.com/embed.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"U2M6HBZP3FGJFHF2MN7KKEJGGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787608},"content":"Waterford","type":"header"},{"_id":"EXAEUL25HJCFRIQFXUWXVUSDRQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729612258238},"content":"Street spectacle creators Spraoi will return to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/waterford\" target=\"_blank\">Waterford</a> on Friday 25th October with their Samhain procession and finale performance. This year’s theme, Fire and Shadows, is inspired by An Dearg Dua, a piece of local folklore. The procession will begin adjacent to the Irish Wake Museum in Waterford’s Viking Triangle at 6pm. Waterford city will host several other fun family-friendly events over the bank holiday weekend from concerts and storytelling to amusements and food stalls. <a href=\"https://waterfordarts.com/samhain-programme/\" target=\"_blank\">Discover more here</a> and <a href=\"https://spraoi.com/\" target=\"_blank\">here</a>.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GFQMCRXBFEDTHU4C3MDJRCP74","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787610},"content":"Westmeath","type":"header"},{"_id":"NVAENHDLIJHU3EFNP7A5AR5CZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787611},"content":"Luan Gallery in Athlone, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/westmeath\" target=\"_blank\">Westmeath</a> is hosting a series of Halloween events from October 25th to 31st. The contemporary art venue will hold a free screening of the 1980 horror cult classic The Fog at 7pm on Friday, October 25th, complimenting an on-theme exhibition Tuberclerosies by artist Kevin Mooney that occupies the gallery space.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNYDCCKERNBXBI4T3ILD3WUPSM","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787612},"content":"Wexford","type":"header"},{"_id":"IEMSD75FRFEIDMR22WRDDV3YEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787613},"content":"Soak up some culture at Red Books in St Peter’s Square, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/wexford\" target=\"_blank\">Wexford</a> this Halloween. An evening of poetry, songs and storytelling is promised as Wexford Festival Opera’s Outspoken event will kick off in the store at 7:30pm on Friday 25th October. On Thursday 31st, you’ll find another event at Red Books coinciding with the festival: the Creepy Classics Carnival. The carnival will shine a light on some best loved spooky literary classics. Entry to both events is free, but donations will be taken for the Sanctuary Mental Wellness initiative.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2QFXE3POEJHRNNSASBAAHFCPAE","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787615},"content":"Wicklow","type":"header"},{"_id":"VIYA3VLAFFFKZLAL5X6MKJS6HQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1698219787616},"content":"Kilruddery House and Gardens in Bray, Co <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/wicklow/\" target=\"_blank\">Wicklow</a> will host their Harvest Fete which runs from 10-4pm on October 26th and 27th. Enjoy this seasonal transformation of their weekly farm market – you can participate in some pumpkin carving with help from the Bray Lions or simply come along and take in the autumnal sights.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Ella Sloane"}},"name":"Ella Sloane"}]},"description":{"basic":"Here’s a list of free seasonally themed things to do for families during the midterm break, right across the country"},"display_date":"2024-10-23T12:49:46.431Z","headlines":{"basic":"Halloween in Ireland: the best free family events to go and see in every county","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"U33A532MMRDTRGWMCVFKZMP5A4","auth":{"1":"5c4f0c7afd45f900b9465570c984ef9aceb9e25c082a1ff61312dba20e23cb52"},"focal_point":{"x":3495,"y":2260},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/U33A532MMRDTRGWMCVFKZMP5A4.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature-smaller","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Culture"},{"name":"Life & Style"},{"name":"Health"},{"name":"Your Family"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/culture/2024/10/23/halloween-in-ireland-county-by-county-guide-to-the-best-free-family-events/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/culture","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Culture"}}}},{"_id":"7IFFJC2GC5B27IWZHFDAW4BBJ4","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/maia-dunphy-i-was-terrified-of-becoming-a-single-parent/","content_elements":[{"_id":"SOAWY5IEMBCK7DBAXHOSJKOLPM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958578},"content":"<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/maia-dunphy\" target=\"_blank\">Maïa Dunphy</a> came to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parenting\" target=\"_blank\">motherhood</a> a bit later in life. She had her, now nine-year-old, son Tom, when she was almost 40. But in spite of others’ perceptions of her as someone who didn’t want children, she explains that it was more a case of life just getting in the way.","type":"text"},{"_id":"TUTTXFOC7JFEFFYAFQFAV5C7E4","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958579},"content":"“Suddenly I got to 39 and my husband said it’s time to ‘do something’ or get off the pot.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"6HWPO2ZABJEORCC5F23KT4Q6TE","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958580},"content":"In the latest episode of Conversations with Parents, writer and TV presenter Maïa Dunphy sits down with Jen Hogan to discuss the advantages and disadvantages of becoming a parent later in life. She explains why her parents were concerned as she broke the news to them. And how her “biggest fear in life”, became a reality, when her marriage to<a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/johnny-vegas\" target=\"_blank\"> Johnny Vegas</a> broke down and she became a single parent to Tom.","type":"text"},{"_id":"QXND7BPZTVADJIJKRDXW6MAHXM","additional_properties":{"_id":"ABPAR5BIDFD5ZJGFDLCAIMQVKQ"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-61262","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"R3SRQQ5F5JA4NGURC5YZ75ORYU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958581},"content":"She discusses guilt and its all-consuming nature, and explains how she tried to change her mindset.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RZMPOSWOIRHNLDP5QGTFH6ECYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958582},"content":"Maïa doesn’t believe in God. But she still decided to have her son Tom receive his <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/catholic-church\" target=\"_blank\">First Holy Communion</a>, and she tells Jen, in spite of the backlash she received on social media, why she made this decision.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GB2G4JR42JHJ7AYS72DL5NQLEI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958583},"content":"She also discusses the loss of her beloved mother, who played such an important role in Tom’s upbringing, and shares how she navigated her own grief while trying to support her young son as he dealt with the loss of his granny. And she shares funny memories of her mother’s appearances in Maïa’s TV work – including that time she unsuspectingly received a box of porn!","type":"text"},{"_id":"QZTISH4ZGVFR7KKISF7QKKANKQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958584},"content":"Plus, she gives her take on some modern day parenting challenges, including the world of parenting influencers and explains why she thinks one particular online game is a “necessary evil”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"NAUSVTZYQFHPZABHWTPGGU3OGA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729514958585},"content":"Listen to this episode on the player above, or search for Conversations with Parents wherever you get your podcasts.","type":"text"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"metered"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Conversations with Parents podcast with Jen Hogan: The writer and TV star on having a one child, needing her mum and à la carte Catholicism"},"display_date":"2024-10-22T05:15:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Maïa Dunphy: ‘I was terrified of becoming a single parent. Now I am one’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"KWFFDKWWNPGAFZNTX4ELGVV2A4","auth":{"1":"30a87d6263e2a01a283d88b16943cefa5d8953322a96ed83565ba0c7dbe2d567"},"focal_point":{"x":711,"y":162},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/KWFFDKWWNPGAFZNTX4ELGVV2A4.jpg"},"podcast":{"embed":{"config":{"duration":2113.733333,"episodeTitle":"The TV star discusses lone parenting, losing her mum and being an atheist raising a Catholic son","imageUrl":"https://assets.pippa.io/shows/66dace753eb5a88941553994/1727965962669-4e38364f-9f5a-450f-a2c1-48407f5ff0ee.jpeg","showTitle":"Conversations with Parents ","streamUrl":"https://feeds.acast.com/public/streams/66dace753eb5a88941553994/episodes/671653eee16fb75ed501b441.mp3"}}}},"subtype":"podcast","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"},{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Podcasts"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/maia-dunphy-i-was-terrified-of-becoming-a-single-parent/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents","additional_properties":{"original":{"Podcast":{"podcast_logo":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/FBLLZCTAXRHGHPGQSF7Q242DOM.jpg"}}},"name":"Conversations with Parents Podcast"}}}},{"_id":"ARCIUIWCLZFHVBFZMLIZOZC2PY","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":753,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/68b1cbaf-8ee2-4f53-88eb-68c4801554d5/versions/1729070619/media/97409e5d563bee09b211c074e8453121_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/22/living-with-a-brain-tumour-i-knew-something-was-wrong-because-the-radiographers-would-not-look-at-me/","content_elements":[{"_id":"GVXWV5Z6MZG3BC7NAELNMJRUT4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270916},"content":"“From today you cannot drive, you have to give up work and you can’t be on your own for longer than half an hour.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7BVS4SJZGZF4VLA3L7TL27BQQI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560041},"content":"For Mary de Courcy, a psychotherapist who was feeling pretty well up to that moment, this was the most shocking part of being told she had a grade-four brain tumour.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VJ6F53SX7NF43LGLAAXNWNBLOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270917},"content":"“I didn’t really have any symptoms,” she says. It was the summer of 2022 and a few weeks previously she had been on holiday in Venice when she became aware of a strange sensation of being in an echo chamber. On her return home to <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/booterstown/\" target=\"_blank\">Booterstown</a>, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/ireland/dublin/\" target=\"_blank\">Co Dublin</a>, she decided to go to the GP, “who, thankfully, did not dismiss me with two paracetamol and say come back in two weeks, which she could have because I looked fine.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"SWD3WUE7FBCT3JDHLLH6WZNXOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270918},"content":"Instead, she was referred to an ear, nose and throat specialist, as it seemed to be a possible ear problem. He ordered an MRI, “and I knew from the faces of the radiographers that there was something wrong because they would not look at me”, she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"FALWJC67RFAC3MRWZI5B6IJNCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560044},"content":"Next stop was a neurologist, a person they knew, who took one look at the scan and said he did not think it was vascular. He sent her to a consultant at Beaumont who delivered the diagnosis and told her he was taking her in the following week for surgery.","type":"text"},{"_id":"B72QHB7P3ZEGZLBGNUAEAT3HSI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270919},"content":"“The whole process took, say, six weeks, that’s all, from going to the GP to having the operation. So I was very lucky.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"G46WJ5XLQNEB7K5HPDD5GBICCA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270920},"content":"She had asked what the prognosis was without surgery.","type":"text"},{"_id":"22YH3FFEFNH6DHWCTYVWB37UBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560047},"content":"About four months, was the reply.","type":"text"},{"_id":"N7HKBMMIVZB6XJFMX5FUI5CPDM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560048},"content":"And with surgery?","type":"text"},{"_id":"YKLUWZSH7FHOLAWBHY2GPEQDUM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560049},"content":"Possibly 18 months to two years.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JGLQZ367CVAZRFUHL2MX7V457U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270921},"content":"That was just over two years ago and de Courcy has not only this year celebrated her 70th birthday, which was a milestone she was determined to reach, but she is also back driving and singing with the National Symphony Chorus. However, she no longer practises as a psychotherapist.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I6NT5RFAW5C7FNHSBKJLBUWQEM","additional_properties":{"_id":"LRQABLORSJCLBH5UKV3MDCQNBA"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-74818","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"PUUPGGJZQZAKBNZSKEGG3THC7Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"GPVBH5IXYRHJJNA6XORPUIRBFQ"},"content":"Brain tumour aftermath: ‘I was in complete shock for a whole year as one thing after another happened to me’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"EBLSNECHUFFPNA5Y5RLDZA4OL4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270922},"content":"Although much of the year after the seven-hour operation – which left her with 42 staples across her head – passed in a blur, she does have one clear memory from the immediate aftermath. The surgeon stood at the end of her bed and told her he could not take all of the glioblastoma tumour out because, otherwise, she would have lost functionality on her left-hand side. “So I thanked him ... I haven’t lost anything.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTTPWC5WZRAFDLQV4QBPQNCZ2U","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560052},"content":"That September she began nine months of chemotherapy and, concurrently, 42 sessions of daily radiotherapy, before her treatment concluded in May 2023. It is at this stage that brain tumour survivors often talk about feeling like they have fallen off a cliff regarding health services and other supports to help them get on with life. Brain tumours typically occur in people of working age, and there can be significant challenges in returning to employment.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GC26E5K5EJDBFKISWMBIFMO25M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270925},"content":"To look at how to address this dearth of support, researchers at the Royal College of Surgeons in Ireland (RCSI) have embarked on a three-year programme to explore the survivorship and rehabilitation needs of people with a brain tumour. The study is titled Brain-Restore, and has the tagline: “Surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy, but now what?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L4OLDJQZTVCQ7P2VTIP6W4NBGI","additional_properties":{"_id":"XJR57MOAMJC4TCSMIUX7K3RTJU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"AAV4UHX4OZGAZPFUYDSKX55IWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729066560054},"content":"When study co-investigator Dr Ailish Malone was working as a physiotherapist in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/beaumont-hospital/\" target=\"_blank\">Beaumont Hospital</a>, Dublin, she saw how patients were able to access world-class neurosurgery and oncology services, “but there was a real gap in helping people to return to their lives”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GW6Y4IGRA5GJRMSKBFP7NTL3BU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270926},"content":"Brain tumours are a variable group of conditions, with a hundred different types, she says. Their effect is also linked to where they grow in the brain. More than 450 people in Ireland every year are diagnosed with a primary brain tumour, which may be malignant or benign. Many more patients develop secondary brain tumours from other cancers elsewhere in the body. Even a benign tumour can cause complications due to damage at the site of growth or the impact of surgery to remove it. “I would have worked with patients who had significant physical problems after brain tumours, like limb weakness, difficulties walking,” says Dr Malone. There can also be memory difficulties and personality changes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CHWHZOU5RFBULINPGBNVEGWSLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270928},"content":"“A common problem that affects practically everybody after brain tumour, regardless of whether they have a low-grade, low-invasive, or a high-grade tumour, is fatigue. They have fatigue that comes both from having a brain injury and cancer treatment, so it’s kind of like a double whammy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"NRFCQDJA2ZBY7DLLBOA5Z2SLRY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270929},"content":"Rehabilitation can mean different things to different people. “The <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/world-health-organisation/\" target=\"_blank\">World Health Organisation</a> defines it as a set of interventions designed to optimise functioning of people with health conditions in a regular environment – and that was the part that we really wanted to tackle with this study.” Brain-Restore, which is being funded by <a href=\"https://hrci.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Health Research Charities Ireland</a>, the <a href=\"https://www.hrb.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Health Research Board</a> and <a href=\"https://breakthroughcancerresearch.ie/\" target=\"_blank\">Breakthrough Cancer</a>, is looking at how quality of life can be improved, whether the brain tumour patient’s life expectancy is long or shorter. However, as symptoms may fluctuate, it can be difficult, says Dr Malone, to plan the care people need.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WQXGSL542BBDFDEOFS3LWVZF5U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270930},"content":"“The effects play out over quite a long period of time. It will be our challenge to make recommendations for practice that can account for that because sometimes when people finish their treatment, that can often be their last appointment, other than coming back with their scans.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4DGJYYCO4JEFTAXPOXME5MQWKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270931},"content":"“How do we support people with the interventions they need before they’ve been struggling for months, or before they’ve given up on things, or before their carers and family are completely overwhelmed?”","type":"text"},{"_id":"KAH2N4OGFNDMVDIMUGXYBROYLM","additional_properties":{"_id":"LOSK52YEQJDI7OZP5GT6B2QP4Q"},"content":"Childhood cancer: ‘As soon as the ultrasound was turned on, they could see the tumour – it was large’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"DSUC3YTAEJFU3HSJJEGJP642KI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270932},"content":"Dr Malone is leading a strand of Brain-Restore that involves talking to patients and families about their needs and what they have found lacking in services. The study is still recruiting patients for this and are finding it hard to get those within their first year of diagnosis, probably because it is such a difficult time, she acknowledges.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3GEDQQGMZFANFLPBCBBOAVN6F4","additional_properties":{"_id":"3GXA4H7G6FDWNHS56HSDBJLLTA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"4HULYSKLYVDQDLW6NOJOZ4WJ3U","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270933},"content":"The project’s charity partner, <a href=\"https://braintumourireland.com/\" target=\"_blank\">Brain Tumour Ireland</a>, is helping in this regard. Chief executive Fiona Keegan says it hears, through peer support groups for patients and for carers, of “massive gaps” in services, particularly at community level. There is intense focus on a patient having surgery and undergoing follow-up treatment but no “pathway” for what comes next. They are not told “you may expect this and this is who’s going to look after this. So often they will call us.” She will suggest patients attached to a large hospital such as Beaumont go back to the relevant clinical nurse specialists, or to ask their GP what is available.","type":"text"},{"_id":"H7Z6FWWGGJEYDMCXC7Y4S45H6Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270934},"content":"But that can be hit and miss, says Keegan, because it is a rare disease. “A GP would say to us ‘We might go through our whole career and never see somebody with brain tumour’. So it’s not on their radar what might be available for the brain tumour patient in the community.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2KRQOYG34RCJ7CT4VC6ATRMM4I","additional_properties":{"_id":1729074298842},"content":"There can also be misunderstandings about the work of palliative care teams in the community and people get scared if that is suggested as an option. “The minute you say that, they think it’s all over.” Whereas “if you can get palliative care in earlier, they’re really good at symptom management and they’re also very good with just talking to the family around what they might expect as things progress”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"URUHGUBIUVFXDNUYF3PFJ43U7E","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270936},"content":"De Courcy experienced that sense of being adrift after her treatment ended. “Once I was through the chemotherapy and the radiotherapy, I didn’t know where to go when I was feeling rotten.” For her, “rotten” meant “having to lie down all the time; not able to think”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AOENYT2DKZASXPZIM3PDWE2EGI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270937},"content":"She struggled with periods of feeing “dispirited” and has availed of counselling offered by Arc cancer support services. She opted to spread out the eight sessions and still has one more to go.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Y7QBFVWHXNB6THBRWRYVYDHSUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270938},"content":"De Courcy, who is contributing to Brain-Restore, also points out that she was very fortunate to have her husband, Gabriel Cooney, driving her to all appointments and coming in and taking notes when much of it was a haze to her. How somebody in her position would manage without such constant personal support is another issue that needs to be looked at, she suggests.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RGA7UDJ2QRGCRNPFH6ZMKNDRWI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270939},"content":"For rehabilitation of people with brain tumours, Malone believes that sometimes it is a case of needing to “join the dots” of things that work for other conditions or in other places, or learning from pockets of good experience and trying to ensure such supports are available to all those who are struggling. There also needs to be a shift in thinking to wider recognition of a brain tumour as a brain injury that is amenable to, and needs, rehabilitation.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YPNXALBLBRB4TLGXG5PHKCRLZI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270940},"content":"While surgery and follow-up treatment is carried out in two centres of excellence – Beaumont and Cork University Hospital – ultimately these patients go back into the community, where some health professionals have rarely if ever encountered somebody with a brain tumour and don’t feel competent to work with them.","type":"text"},{"_id":"BAA23V6RARHQNDIZINYDVDL7JE","additional_properties":{"_id":"36ZEJD77RBDADFV2YQAITAVSBM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"IQRLDUHWNJHTFFAJHOSTTE5WR4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270941},"content":"This could be addressed through education, says Malone. “It’s just arming them with the knowledge that they need to manage the person in front of them and not to fear the complexity.” The way they are already working with people after a stroke, or who are living with multiple sclerosis, will in many cases benefit people with brain tumours too.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O5VCG4MTWZEZNCXGGFPSWGCZTA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270942},"content":"The Brain-Restore team is not waiting for the conclusion of their study at the end of 2025 to advocate change. There is a panel of healthcare professionals from a range of disciplines working with them to see how findings can be acted on as they emerge.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A2WNDYW3BBB3JNWZBNK7XNQSDA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270943},"content":"“We know that the research life cycle can be really long,” says Malone. “The rule of thumb is it can be up to 17 years from knowledge generation to implementation. The people we work with don’t have 17 years; they need it right now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"RCYWUMIME5C5NEZHDJ4QI7FLHQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270944},"content":"For instance they have already identified communication problems between the specialised neuro-oncology services and community practitioners. “Even some of the forms that people use are not really capturing what you need to know about someone with a brain tumour.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"X6SWBIFTANGJDL475QKHKXD6ME","additional_properties":{"_id":"MXAJKXZ6WVHOXPQXOR23IWVLCU"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"IQ3TFF2ZORH57CCWCCCTWIR5FI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270945},"content":"De Courcy considers herself as living with a brain tumour, since a part is still there. But returning for a scan every three months provides reassurance that it is not regrowing. However, she is realistic that it might and takes each days as it comes.","type":"text"},{"_id":"O3P36N2MV5CQJDR45BVEA36UWU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270946},"content":"“It’s not like I’m whooping up and down.” Still, she has been told she is in the 10 per cent of brain tumour patients who come through surgery without any lasting incapacities.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DZCKWF4QOZCZXPNYRU53IA676M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270947},"content":"Lack of confidence was a big thing as she tried to pick the reins of her life. She worried about being able to cope alone in different situations and could not face trying public transport for a long time. But throughout her recovery, four grandsons aged nine to three, who just found it quite funny she had lost her hair, were a positive distraction.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HLYQ4S2JL5HHBP37LV3BLHOSP4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270948},"content":"Now she has occasional balance problems, although doing yoga has helped a lot. There is also brain fog sometimes when she cannot remember somebody’s a name, although she is not sure if the latter is just due to age.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VENMI5B45RBMTJKTZDXUAWALPU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270949},"content":"“I still haven’t gone shopping, I find the whole thing of getting out, going into a shop, choosing something, that’s too overwhelming altogether. Crowds and social occasions, I avoid them.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BVARZAEEQBF5DBNC2NJZB53VFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270950},"content":"Yet she has found her return to the ranks of the 140-strong National Symphony Chorus comforting, with her singing voice and ability to read music unimpaired. As they perform Puccini’s Messa di Gloria in the National Concert Hall this Friday (October 25th), she says she will not be aware of the tinnitus that has developed since her brain surgery.","type":"text"},{"_id":"4I2PHOFNTFGRVPNVHIQFRKLUKI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270951},"content":"It is at quiet times, such as the middle of the night, it “whistles and thumps away”. But “I did do a spin on it”, she adds: “it means I am alive.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"YCDY6C2IB5FUNMX3YVDX7FFP3I","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989270952},"type":"list"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Sheila Wayman"}},"name":"Sheila Wayman"}]},"description":{"basic":"People with brain tumours get world-class medical treatment in Ireland – but after that there can be a big gap"},"display_date":"2024-10-22T04:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Living with a brain tumour: ‘I knew something was wrong because the radiographers would not look at me’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EG2NANCQEBGYXHRESC7AZIYTQY","auth":{"1":"cd81274736fc10495461bd253edd2de2ab5c42f34fb0941f9e64d4b6b70fadb7"},"focal_point":{"x":2837,"y":1665},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EG2NANCQEBGYXHRESC7AZIYTQY.JPG"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/22/living-with-a-brain-tumour-i-knew-something-was-wrong-because-the-radiographers-would-not-look-at-me/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"DJ7BODUTPVAFHD3IYRKQUQ7VVM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":565,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/4fb12a6e-7dea-4549-b9e5-7ee9aa52dd80/versions/1729009118/media/9959a61cc8a49c759b2900e59ca8165f_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/julie-ann-russell-its-not-easy-to-come-back-from-having-a-child-and-get-back-to-elite-athlete-fitness-and-stamina/","content_elements":[{"_id":"67KOZ7OB2RC4LJNLWU2QM4MUCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276106},"content":"Julie-Ann Russell didn’t give much consideration as to how parenthood would impact her sporting career until she was in her 20s. “I saw people leave sport and have children and that was their sport career done, which obviously is sad to see now.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"67KOZ7OB2RC4LJNLWU2QM4MUCI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276106},"content":"She was about 13 years old when she first played for the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/republic-of-ireland-wnt/\" target=\"_blank\">Republic of Ireland</a>, but although she played football competitively (and other sports, she played <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/gaa/\" target=\"_blank\">GAA </a>and basketball until her late teens), from a young age, Julie always envisaged children in her future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J7MMSB4IZNDVHJ2UDOSRWEW3LE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276108},"content":"“In football, there’s a lot of people in same-sex relationships, so often it was their partner [carrying the baby]. That was often talked about in teams. Other girls would say, ‘when I stop playing then I perhaps will carry’. So, it was discussed and it was going through my mind. I didn’t really think strongly, oh, I want to have a child and then come back. Or I want to end my career and have a child. I was just going with the flow, to be totally honest, [thinking] whatever happens, happens.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5THVUZSVFJCGDEKL5F445F7OBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458087},"content":"When Julie-Ann discovered that she was pregnant, however, she presumed it would spell the end of her international playing career. She continued football training until she was about five months pregnant. “I was doing a lot of running, passing and shooting.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MGST6ZDAO5D5ZMMJ4LY2I7RPOA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458088},"content":"But she kept up exercising herself beyond that. “I was running on my own until about week 28 and then stopped because I had to go to the toilet every second. I actually did CrossFit the whole pregnancy. I went to a CrossFit session on her due date to try to get her out,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"X6DDOQMDQBGEPHTKSGLUGXMHME","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276111},"content":"Julie-Ann played a few matches early in her pregnancy before deciding to stop. She decided to tell people she was pregnant from early on. “I didn’t want to lie to them and say I’m injured. And then, also, I think there’s such a big stigma around miscarriages, and if I did have a miscarriage with Rosie, I’d want people to know. I wouldn’t be hiding it. So, I didn’t really care if I told people pre the 12 weeks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FC7FDTTJERB2TIUXPB522BCT6M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276112},"content":"Her team-mates were “absolutely delighted” when they found out. “I suppose with my age and I was married a year, it wasn’t a massive surprise and everyone was just so happy. There was no negativity at all.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HXGQ3YB42VEV3BEUXTV2BJKLYY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458091},"content":"Julie-Ann is the only woman in the current Republic of Ireland squad to have given birth. “I am very proud. It’s not easy to come back from having a child and get back to elite athlete fitness and stamina. I’m just taking it in my stride, but when I stop and think about it, I’m like, ‘well done’,” she says laughing.","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LGNADUYORACDP5IXJXESBFFBA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276114},"content":"Rosie, her daughter, was delivered by emergency Caesarean section. “It was an emergency, but it didn’t feel like an emergency. If I was to go again, I’d be opting for a C-section.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"H45IPMEHJZAYPHNPM24NCMPSFA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458093},"content":"She not only found the birth to be a good experience, but the recovery afterwards to be “totally fine”, though she appreciates that’s not everyone’s experience.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GMYUHATS5JC6HKFGEX2HEB5SSE","additional_properties":{"_id":"LTWHXHPREJAORANLQ5WBNEHROU"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"T43SRESBSJDUNBQZRJKQS3E4YU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276115},"content":"Julie-Ann, who plays for <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/galway-united\" target=\"_blank\">Galway United</a>, took six weeks off completely afterwards. “Week seven and eight, I started running a little bit and then gradually went back to soccer. Again, was just doing passing and non-contact. I didn’t do any contact until week 12. If my scar felt sore, I would pull out, and just listen to my body. I also made sure I went to a pelvic floor physiotherapist after six or seven weeks.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4D7UWFS2SBGGNLPZ46FHLFMQBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276116},"content":"She was still breastfeeding when she returned to playing, which itself involved a whole lot of logistical considerations. “You’d have to really time everything. I was lucky, at the time, that training was so close to my house. I would feed her beforehand and go training.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"3B4CVW527BEBTLZCE74RER7KZA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276117},"content":"But when it came to playing matches, things were a little more complicated. “One of the things I had to request from the manager was not going on the team bus to the game, because I was breastfeeding and I couldn’t be away from Rosie for the amount of hours, because you’re leaving hours before the game when it’s an away match. So just thinking about all the logistics and again having someone to mind her. My husband came to the game and drove us down.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2NEFEUJVIJGV3ACSU4DLUJEC4E","additional_properties":{"_id":"YWYTXINYWFAO5DSYNOLU52MYCA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"YXJGRNXAZ5DIDKR6LDLKWRWZVI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458097},"content":"“I had to make sure I fed her before the game so I wasn’t totally full and then she was there for afterwards. And if she wasn’t asleep, I always had a pump with me as well. It was a real juggling act and something that you had to think about all the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BKGAXKKQGZE5THXLKD5WYDVKDE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276118},"content":"It was during Rosie’s first birthday party that Julie-Ann received an email to tell her she was on the provisional squad. “And, then about a week later, the manager rang to check if I was still interested in playing,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"PNFOB4CZPRHKBHVUDBY73HHT3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276119},"content":"Life in the Ireland camp works very well. “I didn’t even expect Rosie to be coming into the camp,” she says, pointing out that this is probably because the situation hadn’t arisen before, though she had seen through social media, mothers in other countries such as Australia and the US bring their children into their respective camps. “I was thinking it’ll be cool, but I was just delighted to be called in. I wasn’t going to rock the boat.","type":"text"},{"_id":"33QYLZ2TNVD2TJJHEMCBXHCVQE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276120},"content":"“When I spoke to the manager I asked, ‘Can Rosie visit when I’m in there ... what is the policy?’ And she was saying, ‘Rosie’s coming,’ They just wanted to make sure that I was at my best from a mental and physical perspective, and they understood that I had never been away from Rosie, because I was on maternity leave. They were incredible. They want to create a policy for the <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/football-association-of-ireland\" target=\"_blank\">FAI</a> and for me to help them with it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"572R5N4PGJB3VHAQRGFJ5VS66M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276121},"content":"Rosie was “included in absolutely everything” at camp, Julie-Ann says, “just not the training or team meetings”.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GTUEPZKUUFFQBL56BXKZXOEX34","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458102},"content":"“She came to all the meal times. She was allowed into the players’ lounge and everywhere. Everyone loved having her. She brought a really good energy. My husband came as well. He was my support person.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"47LIFVTQYZDGHCSDYUJTRWFADA","additional_properties":{"_id":"M35XAB26ARG5PEZRGLD23AXBNA"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"ELQ2A3RFGRF2HKSEVLFKUAGVXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276122},"content":"Along with playing for Galway United and representing Ireland on the football pitch, Julie-Ann works as a sales manager in <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/microsoft\" target=\"_blank\">Microsoft</a> for the UK market. Even with all of this success, Julie-Ann says she can’t escape the dreaded parental guilt. “I always heard about mum guilt being a thing and I can truly say it’s real and that I experience it as well. The fact that I’m back to work now and Rosie is at a childminder, I don’t see her for the day.","type":"text"},{"_id":"GVQ7FDAKPRDA7ETTKV6GI7VRQM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458104},"content":"“And then in the evenings I try to pick her up at about a quarter to five and then I’ve to be at training for 6pm. And so see her for only an hour and 15 minutes and it breaks my heart leaving her. She goes to bed at 7pm, so it’s only another hour, but in her little life that’s so much.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6Y6ESXCOGVEYFKDDTQAOLY7VYQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276124},"content":"“I totally have guilt when I’ve to go for training in the evenings, and even at the weekends when I’ve games. When they’re away, I’m gone for the day.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CB6YC5PCMBBXPKC4TM2TJOP37M","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458106},"content":"But she says she gets huge comfort when Rosie can go to her matches. “It just makes it extra special.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"MU2FBO25NVHRVAKECW5XQK4JNE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276125},"content":"Julie-Ann is thoroughly enjoying motherhood, so far. But she knows if she was to have another child at this stage of her life (Julie-Ann is now 33), it could well mean the end of her sporting career in its current form. “Even just my age, trying to get pregnant again, it becomes more difficult as you get older, so I am thinking about when is the best time to try,” she admits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"55LG3FLUONCRLNXVOUBAHUT5YI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458108},"content":"“It’s way more front and centre in my mind than ever before. And I suppose if I was to have another child, the chances of getting back to an Ireland elite status, wouldn’t be high.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HQUMDP2DCZBO7NN4LEUE4FECKE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276127},"content":"It’s a difficult one she explains, because she knows she would like “Rosie to have a brother or sister. It’s a big decision.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"IHPBRXXN7NAN7ESOAJGVSGYWO4","additional_properties":{"_id":"QA4AZQJMENELPPAW7PEH4A644E"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"TRHR2HQQMFHQ5CSRIODTZW7LZM","additional_properties":{"_id":1729005458110},"content":"Julie-Ann says having Rosie come to see her play for Ireland is a highlight she’ll never forget. As she looks towards upcoming away games which, she says, “I hope I’ll get picked for”, she’s considering the logistics about how it might work. Julie-Ann is in the Irish squad for the Euro Qualifying double-header against Georgia, with the first game in Tbilisi this Friday.","type":"text"},{"_id":"WPAP5JIKOZHCFC44BQUFKH6KAA","additional_properties":{"_id":1729503156341},"content":"And she dares to dream about how it all might work too if Ireland qualify for Euro 2025 and Julie-Ann was part of the squad. “I’d have to bring her,” she says. “Not a hope” she’d leave her behind.","type":"text"},{"_id":"RVMIR2MFQ5G4PIIJNR3SEMEREQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728989276129},"content":"But she doesn’t really care if Rosie follows in her football boots. “I feel when kids are pressured into something, they don’t like it and they resent you for it. I’ll just give her the opportunity to do as much as she wants – all sports and all activities be it music or dancing.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"AP7NRZJM5NBFBKILP356TVQSOI","additional_properties":{"_id":1729237722615},"content":"Parenting in My Shoes","type":"header"},{"_id":"ZETUKHYQ4BHO7AEGBWGC4U62HQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"ZBDSSN27JRGE5ODSHUAAMQV5XU","additional_properties":{"_id":"OKOT5EKOD5A7BD73NS4ASORQ6U"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-85398","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting in My Shoes: Working and training, the Republic of Ireland and Galway United player suffers from the dreaded parental guilt"},"display_date":"2024-10-21T13:45:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘I went to a CrossFit session on her due date’: Julie-Ann Russell on pregnancy as an elite athlete","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"TIM4QU7ATJEAZDHFTMLVCREEWQ","auth":{"1":"73b76152f4943cc44f21d7993d38b82edf4e75af0cc65c8acd8bfae4d4d727cd"},"focal_point":{"x":1296,"y":317},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/TIM4QU7ATJEAZDHFTMLVCREEWQ.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Sport"},{"name":"Soccer"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/julie-ann-russell-its-not-easy-to-come-back-from-having-a-child-and-get-back-to-elite-athlete-fitness-and-stamina/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"T2WJGFWZF5FKLDBM3HDM7QOOJM","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":345,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/5469/podcasts/456486fd-8eff-468d-ab69-bb8ce1791fb4/versions/1728916189/media/efd36f9d16ad7d7e48da2db3df83b08e_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/our-16-year-old-daughter-has-stopped-going-to-school-regularly-should-we-take-her-phone-away/","content_elements":[{"_id":"F2C6VYVRNBA5BF7WDKL3F7BJIA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059296},"content":"Question","type":"header"},{"_id":"E3OPCZORVRHD3CFBT5BG2T7LAM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059301},"content":"<b>Our 16-year-old daughter has stopped going to school regularly. She says it’s because she can’t get up in the morning and doesn’t care about going to school. She says it is because of her </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/2022/10/27/are-children-more-anxious-now-than-in-the-past/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>anxiety</b></a><b> and </b><a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/mental-health/\" target=\"_blank\"><b>mental health</b></a><b> issues.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"T6GAVTSPPFH37EZUWD44WQXFXA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037765},"content":"<b>We took her to see our GP and also a private counsellor. We also talked to her school about it. They all say that the reason she can’t go to school is because of her lifestyle. She is always on her mobile phone and not getting enough sleep. Our daughter disagrees that the phone is the issue and we can’t get her to stop using it in the evening time. (We think the mobile phone is a part of the issue, but also that she has some mental health issues too).</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"QHOYJGVHMREGBDNU3S3IU7SFXE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037766},"content":"<b>She’s sometimes a bit moody, but acts fine apart from not going to school. She has friends and goes out socially and shopping, so she is well able to do things that she likes doing.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"XETLM5NSOZHMBLWO5GHLTWOIQA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037767},"content":"<b>Our question is – should we forcefully take the mobile from her? We think that if we do, she might get aggressive and make the situation worse. Or should we leave the situation as it is, but try to encourage her to go to school in a gentle manner? She’s harmed herself before and what we want to avoid it happening again.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z4KWLPC53ZDGRHQFZXTYQGJ44M","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037768},"content":"<b>We, of course, want her to go to school, but, at the end of the day, we don’t want to make the situation worse.</b>","type":"text"},{"_id":"TPA33JRKDBEINOIIZNZV7HKGVE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037769},"content":"<b>Answer</b>","type":"header"},{"_id":"S5TUOW3FJNHB7IWUC4H3D2OVTY","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059302},"content":"When teenagers find it hard to go to school, parents are usually put under great pressure to be “strict” or to “take control” and even to force the issue with their child.","type":"text"},{"_id":"K62PLQF2XZHRRL7AUSH7TMZFGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037771},"content":"However, forceful interventions are very problematic and, as you rightly judge, can easily make things worse for you and your child. If you forcefully remove the phone without first getting your daughter’s consent, you could invoke fightback, aggression and even self-harm (given she has a history of this).","type":"text"},{"_id":"MH26QIG2EFA5PDHKSG5KTBK5UU","additional_properties":{"_id":1729073610797},"content":"Even if your daughter appears to comply with your “force”, you disempower her from solving her own problems and making her own decisions. Also, your actions could damage your relationship with her and she might no longer see you as a support and may be less likely to trust you in the future.","type":"text"},{"_id":"J6Y4SD45XFBD7DUH56CTC6L2GM","additional_properties":{"_id":"55TAL2OQF5ELPFBTFSEEQQAZPM"},"content":"‘We felt like failures. It broke us’: When your child stops attending school out of fear","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"4TJ3XDF3AJFV3FCCKKWBVX3A5A","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037772},"content":"Finally, simply removing the mobile phone in the evening may not solve the problem of her not going to school, when there are likely to be many other issues at play such as her anxiety and mental health challenges, as well as her being demotivated by the school curricula.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2AAVR5W6GNEPZAOX5XJD3G5XRE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059303},"content":"Take time to listen and understand","type":"header"},{"_id":"DOJ66DAFRFF3JA2BPL7CBDZ44Y","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059304},"content":"Try to understand what your daughter is going through. When she says she is anxious about going to school, take this seriously and, gently, inquire about what she is anxious about. Simply acknowledging or repeating what she said can be enough to encourage her to say more.","type":"text"},{"_id":"AZWRWWS4MRBADCPNMZIUI6TTXQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037775},"content":"You are trying to get a sense of which parts of school are difficult so you can think with her about what might help. For some children, it might be the academic work, for others it might be the social aspects. For some, the challenge could be during class time and for others it could be during the break or informal times.","type":"text"},{"_id":"XR5ELNCR6FCTVOKKDWWZX6XFBU","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037776},"content":"Explore with her about whether she is getting a good night’s sleep and what the factors are in preventing her from doing so. Ask her about her mobile phone and role it has in her life so you can understand why she finds it hard to give it up at night. For many teens (and adults), the mobile phone is their main source of social connection and entertainment. The prospect of losing it is like being asked to sever a limb. While it can have downsides, the phone can also provide benefits. For example, while it can keep many teens up at night, others might use it to help them sleep by listening to music or a podcast. Take time to understand how your daughter uses the phone and what it means in her life.","type":"text"},{"_id":"S3Q2HDPUBZEWBDJPCUE67IICSU","additional_properties":{"_id":"N6PQMFOLKVHXPIDQGQFPDBIDAM"},"content":"Teenagers and smartphones: ‘Like animals in a zoo, they are missing out on life’s rich experiences’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"BLYXDSJWMNH75EROWCZG2MSSCM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059305},"content":"Explore win-win solutions","type":"header"},{"_id":"WX3ULDFZJREQHKOXHBLAVYEUIQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059306},"content":"Encourage your daughter to think up solutions that will work for her and also for you as her parents (who are concerned for her welfare). Explore with her, how you can address the sources of anxiety at school, how you can make things easier for her when she goes, and what supports might help her. Encourage her to reflect about what will help her get a better night’s sleep.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CMXBFSKHPBAODC6EUT3XWBAXOQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037779},"content":"You might discuss the pros and cons of having the phone late at night and identify new routines to make it work better. For example, you might agree to switch off wifi at a certain time so she is not distracted on social media, but agree that she can listen to downloaded music and selected podcasts that help her relax.","type":"text"},{"_id":"DDXLNUKI7ZB7TLYDNC3PHFYRRA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059307},"content":"Explore supports that might help","type":"header"},{"_id":"FZJIGYS6QBAABPVM55ZTSGWDCE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059308},"content":"In supporting your daughter’s attendance at school it is important to collaborate with the teachers to create a positive plan that your daughter is on board with. This might mean meeting the year head to share the sources of your daughter’s anxiety and asking for their support in addressing some of these. It also might help for your daughter to attend counselling or to return to the private counsellor if she felt understood and affirmed there. Alternatively, you might attend family counselling which might give you space to listen to one another and to make agreements together.","type":"text"},{"_id":"A4HXRVXM7ZH4PKG5VHQ7TQVYPA","additional_properties":{"_id":"JBWPE6U2L5G33KS7JE2RZHONQI"},"content":"Smartphones and social media are destroying children’s mental health","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"W6OGG5666RAVZFXERZ62QAI3ZY","additional_properties":{"_id":1729073610811},"content":"Be patient as you problem solve","type":"header"},{"_id":"2PCKQGA7Q5FOHAYROHQQNRI4XI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059310},"content":"It can take a lot of time and patience to sort out challenging issues such as school anxiety and poor sleep. This might involve lots of talking and problem solving as well as trying out plans and revising them to try something else if they don’t work. The important thing is to give your daughter a sense that you are on her side and that you are working together to sort things out.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OLPVC5UCGJDTHBC7REHL3BVXRM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728914037784},"content":"Also, be careful about over-focusing on problems, and continue to support what is going well in your daughter’s life such as her socialising. Keep a focus also on maintaining a warm supportive relationship with her as this is what will help most in the long term.","type":"text"},{"_id":"G3X6Y33NLVD6DHASPKMN7YRUYM","additional_properties":{"_id":1728902059311},"type":"list"},{"_id":"PHO672VEMNESJONBKLHAH3PVMI","additional_properties":{"_id":"BOBX365DIFGLFHPHUDOFCLJU4I"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"dfea1027-fb44-4a52-be45-3e6c66fc39f9\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"John Sharry"}},"name":"John Sharry"}]},"description":{"basic":"Ask the Expert: Her school says she is always on her phone and not getting enough sleep, but she disagrees"},"display_date":"2024-10-21T04:31:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"‘Our 16-year-old daughter has stopped going to school regularly – should we take her phone away?’ ","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"5469"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"EVGXMVLR4ZE4ZLQVRG2ITKYM2U","auth":{"1":"de30efbc53b476b3cfbc5ae0922f5b750b62ba537fe0a12336c8fed43bd53b56"},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/EVGXMVLR4ZE4ZLQVRG2ITKYM2U.jpg"}},"subtype":"columnist","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/21/our-16-year-old-daughter-has-stopped-going-to-school-regularly-should-we-take-her-phone-away/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"7FQUOOCMCZHOLOGDUNRLQYN5LE","additional_properties":{"audio_duration":468,"audio_url":"https://d22tbkdovk5ea2.cloudfront.net/audio/projects/8948/podcasts/9ebbaafc-8c62-416f-8513-8c17cfbfd8f9/versions/1728401504/media/47a613a50c10fbc4ee374077e63622ab_compiled.mp3"},"canonical_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/16/having-a-favourite-child-he-is-cute-and-funny-but-with-his-brother-its-all-stop-that-now/","content_elements":[{"_id":"MCYHAERBU5HJTHB5SLW4NJ3LQQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311711},"content":"“I tell them I hate them all equally,” one <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/parents/\" target=\"_blank\">parent </a>joked when asked about having a favourite child. Possibly because joking seems the only acceptable way to answer such a question.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CFTLZ2QIIZD43DNZ5BPKO47YW4","additional_properties":{"_id":"E5QXDFRS35F7JKMRIAP2PL6QJE"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"2Y77PPTKGVH4DJH7BQ2DI3VBLA","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311712},"content":"The concept of having a favourite child may not be a new one – just ask the brother of the prodigal son his thoughts on the whole fatted calf situation. But it’s still no easier to admit to, and so remains one of parenthood’s great taboos.","type":"text"},{"_id":"YIP3TX2LABBJ5LBZPMARS77ZSU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311713},"content":"Anna has four children. She is very aware of the favouritism she shows one of her children. “It’s definitely the one, who if they ask nicely for money, they’ll get it – they won’t have to do anything. Or if somebody invites them [somewhere] we’ll definitely do our best to get them there,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"VCQVTSABRVHFDBUM6B2JZHSXX4","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311714},"content":"And there’s a reason for this, Anna explains. “That’s because that child is particularly good and nice and helpful,” she says “including around the house.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"2PF7JFMATVCW7KNCJJOFMMFKUU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311715},"content":"“And then you also have the one child who gets nothing because they’re so ungrateful,” she continues. “Unfortunately, it impacts on them, but they do it all to themselves. And you try your best, and you do it. And I think that’s just human nature.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"L77EBO7KNFCOVBDRIJA6BWQCHM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311716},"content":"Anna thinks her other children appreciate why one particular child is the favourite. “I think everybody in the house can see that he’s kind and nice to everybody. He’s even nice to those absolute pain in the arses, who aren’t nice to anyone.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"GXFU5SRDR5DXZFSGOBNTKUK45Y","additional_properties":{"_id":"WYA4ZR4P2FGOXCSRFCNI4TKLT4"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-52740","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"},{"_id":"UQZRTFKSXNAF3PXRRB56TIMFXI","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257738},"content":"As a result, he “doesn’t get called out” for the favouritism shown to him, she says. “He’s just so good and subtle and grateful. He’s a joy.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"426EQPSYWJEWVEN74DMU55EOGE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257739},"content":"Anna believes her husband is aware of the favourite status of one of her children, but says he has his own favourite and it all remains “unspoken”. She doesn’t think her favourite child is aware of his status.","type":"text"},{"_id":"SDNFMVIY6RA6HMWIUS2BDCB3XM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311718},"content":"All the same, Anna is conscious of trying to change things. “I try my best. I definitely get up every morning and say I am going to be a parent to number whatever child. And I start every day, but sure you’re worn down by breakfast time,” because of their behaviour, she explains. “There’s definitely that ongoing dialogue on a daily basis.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"QRJ5UYRGNNGHVEFWEOWHOHOUAA","additional_properties":{"_id":"YG3JAQ6WSVAY5A3HBHDZSHAYCE"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"OP64H56P3VEWFAI74GZF5YFGWQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311719},"content":"Ciara has three children. Her middle child is her favourite. “He’s absolutely hilarious and he’s super cute,” she explains. She thinks his age is probably a factor here. “I’m pretty sure I felt the same about my first child when he was this age.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"BKYSYPD2OBEPHBNRRD6W4GYPE4","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257742},"content":"Her children are all at very different stages now, and her eldest child is dealing “a lot with frustration at his younger brother”, as well as adjusting to another new sibling, Ciara explains. “There’s a lot more challenging times with him, than there are enjoyable times with him.","type":"text"},{"_id":"OTXEROQJL5AKTJCFATHBSSV4NA","additional_properties":{"_id":"FZ4ZR34WDJGOTC27WOSKAQUVRI"},"content":"<div class=\"contribly-contribute-v2\" data-client=\"9fc0f2a4-9bf9-4464-8b77-ec351ad0db03\" data-assignment=\"021d53aa-545c-4d8c-9e8f-465f83be2a10\" data-display=\"inline\"></div><script type=\"text/javascript\" src=\"https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/contribly-widgets/contribute/contribute-v2.js\"><\/script>","type":"raw_html"},{"_id":"ZJZIEK5QRVDHLLTZX7NXYGM4BQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257743},"content":"“It’s one drama after the other. But then I am afraid, what if this is going to shape his personality to some degree. With the second boy it’s all, ‘he’s cute and funny and he has us laughing’ and with the older boy it’s all, ‘stop, no, stop that now – be kind to your brother’.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"HMQGUHMCZ5EUDGX2Z2VGDV2654","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311722},"content":"Ciara feels guilty for enjoying her younger son more, she admits. “I end up overcompensating. To the older boy, I’m [saying] ‘come on over here and give me a big cuddle and we’ll have a nice bit of quality time together’. Only for a half an hour later, I’m going, ‘Jesus. What are you doing’?” she says. “I feel like for him it must be a bit of an emotional roller coaster.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5LMYRVYVWFG43POIUPZ7B6G24Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311723},"content":"Guilt means that Ciara sometimes feels she can’t give her “favourite child” the amount of attention he deserves. “I’m holding back a little bit.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"CM3A5HR77ND77IQD5U2WNOAKKU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311724},"content":"She also believes her older child suspects a parental preference for his younger sibling, and voiced his suspicions recently. “It absolutely broke my heart,” Ciara says. The favoured child remains oblivious to his position, she adds.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2BQ7UCVIDFFDVKX2Q3ZZFK5PUY","additional_properties":{"_id":"FF6JWXYKSVDXNMJMZKAYCGRR2M"},"subtype":"pullquote","type":"quote"},{"_id":"7TAJ25KJPZHE5CP5VCZMFY7E5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311725},"content":"Patricia has four children. Her youngest child is her favourite, she explains. “Because he can’t answer me back,” she says, laughing about her baby son.","type":"text"},{"_id":"6IQUY5E2ORDS3KNAG24YR7ITXU","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311726},"content":"Patricia’s children have very different personalities, she explains. And she admits to finding aspects of those personalities difficult to manage. “Sometimes things that I notice about myself, that I find hardest to deal with in the kids,” she says.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CRZ7JZVKXBGITEI66U7N7MME5Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257749},"content":"Patricia suspects one particular child, where she can see those similarities most clearly, may be becoming aware of this. “She has said things lately,” says Patricia. Things like, “you don’t like me”. These are things that her daughter wouldn’t have said before, but Patricia is also conscious that she’s having a tough time at school and feels there’s a spillover. “She probably would have been the one I would have connected with most until having the baby. I’m wondering, ‘gosh, have I been treating her differently?’ I’ve been trying the whole positive parenting and positive reinforcement and my God that’s hard to do all the time.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"7ZYIBGA5UZCMHNTDOMXLZXETFM","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311729},"content":"Patricia struggles with feeling as she does. “The guilt is huge,” she admits.","type":"text"},{"_id":"3Z6UGUNF4VHY7N32IGKW7FXZVQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311730},"content":"Aisling O’Connor, parenting and child psychologist, says having a favourite child is a lot more common than people realise, and says she deals with it a lot in her clinic. “One of the questions that I always ask parents is, ‘do you feel disconnected from your child. And when the answer is yes, which is very often, that is what we are talking about when we talk about favourite child. We’re talking about a disconnect, I think with one [or more] of the children.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4ALQBIUWIBDXLKHMWBEVAZZUDI","additional_properties":{"_id":"PVMGOGB7MFBQHOZNJZRL67FWEM"},"type":"image"},{"_id":"BNPLMYOGK5CIDLWSH6KYUGQZOE","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311731},"content":"Parents shouldn’t feel guilty about this, continues O’Connor. “Guilt isn’t going to help in any way. I think they need to have a lot of self-compassion because there are always reasons why. And very often, in my opinion, from what I’m seeing, it’s to do with intergenerational patterns.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UZXVDWDM6RAWDIQM74CIQJ2LBQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257754},"content":"“So if there’s a disconnect in attachment in that relationship, if there’s been birth trauma, if mum has had postnatal depression or anxiety, and has had a rocky start, there isn’t potentially that time to form that bond that happens at the very beginning.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"4KIQCDBX5JELLC5YDO6DBA7N3M","additional_properties":{"_id":1719507311732},"content":"O’Connor says if parents are aware that they have a favourite child, there are things they can do to address the situation. “It’s often to do with that disconnect. There’s been some kind of interruption to the attachment. Or potentially one child is a little bit more difficult than another child. Different temperament.","type":"text"},{"_id":"JPN735QORFDV3F7RH4A3VXW6EA","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257756},"content":"“Different start in life which meant their brain wired differently and they might have more needs. They might be more vocal. They might have different sensory needs.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"5U3W3YPY2RB2XJXVPPL5M2D7AE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728399257757},"content":"She suggests parents consider seeking “some professional advice on it. There are many people out there that can help reconnect you and the child. And lots and lots of self-compassion and knowing that it’s not their fault, there’ll be reason why it’s happened and that there are ways to change it.”","type":"text"},{"_id":"FCCSUG4B5FHCPDRL5PGCTW77SE","additional_properties":{"_id":1728898232834},"content":"Parenting taboos","type":"header"},{"_id":"5JNGWABX3JCV3NH22EOOB5QMSQ","additional_properties":{},"type":"list"},{"_id":"USKRYCF5NRCVJIFLAV4B7GO6EM","additional_properties":{"_id":"7DNP7LDZ4RFVBAZO3B73KH5FDU"},"embed":{"config":{},"id":"acast_podcast-5460","url":"/"},"subtype":"acast_podcast","type":"custom_embed"}],"content_restrictions":{"content_code":"premium"},"credits":{"by":[{"additional_properties":{"original":{"byline":"Jen Hogan"}},"name":"Jen Hogan"}]},"description":{"basic":"Parenting taboos: If parents are aware they have a favourite child, there are things they can do to address the situation"},"display_date":"2024-10-16T05:01:00Z","headlines":{"basic":"Having a favourite child: ‘Unfortunately, it impacts on them, but they do it all to themselves’","native":""},"label":{"audio_project_id":{"text":"8948"}},"promo_items":{"basic":{"_id":"F6RGDVCD25GHHOD4TFX4TGESCY","auth":{"1":"908746b08aaeb305a23026f6754e4962b9266ecf1ca7a5513fb6999c72561304"},"focal_point":{"x":2643,"y":1283},"type":"image","url":"https://cloudfront-eu-central-1.images.arcpublishing.com/irishtimes/F6RGDVCD25GHHOD4TFX4TGESCY.jpg"}},"subtype":"feature","taxonomy":{"sections":[{"name":"Your Family"},{"name":"Health"}]},"type":"story","website_url":"/health/your-family/2024/10/16/having-a-favourite-child-he-is-cute-and-funny-but-with-his-brother-its-all-stop-that-now/","websites":{"irishtimes":{"website_section":{"_id":"/health/your-family","additional_properties":{"original":{}},"name":"Your Family"}}}},{"_id":"SBPPNAVORRBYVI4P2NDWZLCADI","additional_properties":{},"canonical_url":"/podcasts/conversations-with-parents/tony-cantwell-on-adhd-i-just-thought-is-this-what-parenting-is-a-big-fog/","content_elements":[{"_id":"6UQEHGJSOBFZTO2RVXK2LQF32Q","additional_properties":{"_id":1728910843261},"content":"Having a son and a daughter has given comedian, <a href=\"https://www.irishtimes.com/tags/tomy-cantwell\" target=\"_blank\">Tony Cantwell</a>, the opportunity to explore some of life’s big questions.","type":"text"},{"_id":"Z2E7LTNUB5ECFBSOKWUVQXVISQ","additional_properties":{"_id":1728972553932},"content":"Things like, is gender just a social construct? 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Adding that at least when it comes to co-sleeping, he’ll be able to say “I never let you cry. 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