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class="left-nav__menu__group"><h2 class="left-nav__menu__item--heading"><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--heading" href="/entertainment/" data-vars-item-name="Entertainment" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/entertainment/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="12" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Entertainment</a></h2><span></span><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/celebrity/" data-vars-item-name="Celebrity News" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/celebrity/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="13" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Celebrity News</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/music/" data-vars-item-name="Music" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/music/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="14" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Music</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/film/" data-vars-item-name="Film" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/film/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="15" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" 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data-vars-position-in-subunit="17" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Shopping</a></h2><span></span></div><div class="left-nav__menu__group"><h2 class="left-nav__menu__item--heading"><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--heading" href="/lifestyle/" data-vars-item-name="Life" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/lifestyle/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="18" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Life</a></h2><span></span><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/mental-health/" data-vars-item-name="Mental Health" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/mental-health/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="19" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Mental Health</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/sex-relationships/" data-vars-item-name="Sex & Relationships" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/sex-relationships/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="20" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Sex & Relationships</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/health/" data-vars-item-name="Health" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/health/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="21" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Health</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/wellbeing/" data-vars-item-name="Wellbeing" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/wellbeing/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="22" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Wellbeing</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/green-living/" data-vars-item-name="Green Living" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/green-living/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="23" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Green Living</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/travel/" data-vars-item-name="Travel" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/travel/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="24" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Travel</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/food-drink/" data-vars-item-name="Food & Drink" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/food-drink/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="25" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Food & Drink</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/money-work/" data-vars-item-name="Money & Work" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/money-work/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="26" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Money & Work</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="/news/home-and-garden/" data-vars-item-name="Home & Garden" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/home-and-garden/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="27" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">Home & Garden</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/what-happens-if/" data-vars-item-name="What Happens If?" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/what-happens-if/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="28" data-vars-subunit-name="hamburger_nav" data-vars-subunit-type="component">What Happens If?</a><a class="left-nav__menu__item left-nav__menu__item--linked left-nav__menu__item--link" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/regular/" data-vars-item-name="Regular" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="site_header" data-vars-unit-type="nav_bar" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/regular/" 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All rights reserved.</div></div></div></div><main role="main" tabindex="-1" class="main" id="main"><div class="js-cet-unit-buzz_head entry-head-container shift-up" id="entry-header"><header class="entry__header entry__header--no-top-media"><div class="top-header js-cet-subunit "><div class="label"><div class="label__content entry__tags top-tags" style="width:auto"><a class="label__link js-entry-link cet-internal-link" href="/parents/" data-vars-item-name="Parents" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_head" data-vars-target-content-id="/parents/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link"><span class="label__link__text">Parents</span></a><a class="entry__tag js-entry-link cet-internal-link" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/teenagers/" data-vars-item-name="teenagers" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_head" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/teenagers/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="0" data-vars-subunit-name="tags" data-vars-subunit-type="package">teenagers</a><a class="entry__tag js-entry-link cet-internal-link" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/news/childrens-mental-health/" data-vars-item-name="children's mental health" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_head" data-vars-target-content-id="/news/childrens-mental-health/" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="1" data-vars-subunit-name="tags" data-vars-subunit-type="package">children's mental health</a></div></div><h1 class="headline">8 Things You Should Never, Ever Say To A Teenager</h1></div><div class="dek">These phrases may seem harmless, but you could be doing some damage. Here's what to say instead.</div><div class="bottom-header js-cet-subunit"><div class="bottom-header__left"><div class="entry__byline"><div class="author-list "><div class="entry__byline__author">By <a class="js-entry-link cet-internal-link" href="https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/author/marie-holmes" aria-label="By Marie Holmes" data-vars-item-name="Marie Holmes" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_head" data-vars-target-content-id="/author/marie-holmes" data-vars-target-content-type="feed" data-vars-type="web_internal_link" data-vars-position-in-subunit="0" data-vars-subunit-name="author" data-vars-subunit-type="component"><span aria-hidden="true">Marie Holmes<div class="social-buttons js-cet-subunit"><div class="social-buttons__icons"><a class="social-buttons__icons__item social-buttons__icons__item--twitter js-share-link" target="_blank" rel="noopener noreferrer" aria-label="Follow Marie Holmes on Twitter" 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class="entry__content-and-right-rail-container"><div class="entry__content-list-container js-cet-unit-buzz_body"><section class="entry__content-list js-main-content-list js-cet-unit-buzz_body" id="entry-body"><span id="percent-trigger"></span><section class="entry__content-list js-entry-content js-cet-subunit"><figure class="cli cli-image js-no-inject cli-image--header-media"><div class="img-sized"><div class="img-sized__placeholder" style="width:720px"><div style="padding-top:66.66666666666666%"></div></div><picture><source type="image/webp" srcSet="https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/66476c3c24000035002d1438.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale&format=webp"/><img class="img-sized__img landscape" fetchpriority="high" alt="" width="720" height="480" src="https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/66476c3c24000035002d1438.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale"/></picture></div><div class="cli-image__spacer"></div><div class="cli-image__source-wrapper"><div class="cli-image__credit" aria-label="Image Credit: MoMo Productions via Getty Images"><div class="credit-container"><span class="credit">MoMo Productions via Getty Images</span></div></div></div></figure><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>If you have teens in the house, engaging them in conversation can be a real challenge. First, there are those ever-present headphones. Are they on? Are they off? Do your words reach them as the <em>wah-wah</em> trombone sounds of the Charlie Brown teacher? Are you just silently, futilely flapping your lips? </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>As for a response, if you get one, it’s likely to be an eye roll, an unintelligible grunt or a sharp takedown. I find that whenever I try to bring up the topic of feelings, I’m quickly accused of sounding “like a therapist” or being “so cringe.”</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-1" class="ad-entry_paragraph_1 ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-1"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-1", "entry_paragraph_1", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>If you (and your bruised ego) can survive these initial obstacles, however, the rewards of talking to your teen are well worth the struggle. You’ll get to know what’s on their mind and how they’re experiencing the world while strengthening the connection between the two of you. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>But to keep the conversation going and improve the odds that they’ll want to talk to you in the future, there are some pitfalls you’ll want to avoid. HuffPost asked a number of professionals who work with families and children what things you shouldn’t say to a teen. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“It’s not that big of a deal.”</strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Something that seems minor to you may feel significant to your teen. This phrase can “trivialise what a teen feels,” parenting coach <a href="https://socialjusticeparenting.com/about-me/" target="_blank" role="link" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Traci Baxley" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://socialjusticeparenting.com/about-me/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="0">Traci Baxley</a> told HuffPost. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>It might “make them feel misunderstood or dismissed, potentially leading them to believe that their feelings are overblown or unwelcome,” she continued. It may also discourage a teen from coming to you in the future.</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline" class="ad-entry_paragraph_2 ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline", "entry_paragraph_2", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>As an alternative, Baxley suggested, you could say: “I can see this is really important to you. Let’s talk about what’s going on.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“Why can’t you be more like [sibling/friend]?” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>These kinds of comparisons are hurtful at any age. Society will bombard your child with messages that they aren’t good enough as they are, that they need to buy certain products to help them become a better version of themselves, clinical psychologist <a href="https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/" target="_blank" role="link" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Nanika Coor" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://brooklynparenttherapy.com/" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="1">Nanika Coor</a> told HuffPost. “It’s that much more damaging to a 16-year-old’s developing self-worth when those sentiments are coming from your own parents.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Coor suggested that instead of focusing on how your child measures up, “appreciate their individuality and accept their unique developmental trajectory.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>If there is something that they’re struggling with and want to do better, Baxley said, a different way to approach it could be asking: “Let’s talk about your goals and what you’re working towards. How do you feel about your progress in [area]? What are some things you’d like to improve, and how can I help you achieve these?” </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“You should ______.” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>“Never open a discussion with advice,” <a href="https://www.frankandersonmd.com/about-frank" target="_blank" role="link" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Frank Anderson" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://www.frankandersonmd.com/about-frank" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="2">Frank Anderson</a>, psychiatrist and author of the memoir <a href="https://r.bttn.io?btn_ref=org-677cb81987ed72f9&btn_url=https://www.amazon.com/Be-Loved-Story-Trauma-Transformation/dp/1962305112?tag=huffuk-21%26ascsubtag%3D66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141%252C-1%252C-1%252Cd%252C0%252C0%252Chp-fil-am%253D0%252C0%253A0%252C0%252C0%252C0" target="_blank" role="link" data-amazon-link="true" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="To Be Loved" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://r.bttn.io?btn_ref=org-677cb81987ed72f9&btn_url=https://www.amazon.com/Be-Loved-Story-Trauma-Transformation/dp/1962305112?tag=huffuk-21%26ascsubtag%3D66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141%252C-1%252C-1%252Cd%252C0%252C0%252Chp-fil-am%253D0%252C0%253A0%252C0%252C0%252C0" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="3">To Be Loved</a>, told HuffPost.</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-2" class="ad-entry_paragraph_3 ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-2"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-2", "entry_paragraph_3", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>First, he said, “it’s important for them to first feel heard, seen and validated.” Anderson advised “starting a conversation by listening and being curious about their experience.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>It’s important not to assume that you understand them, so check in by asking “Here is what I’m hearing you say, is that correct?” Once they’re confident that you’ve truly heard what they have to say, “then you can ask them if they’re interested in your view or opinion,” Anderson said. Some parents ask directly, “Do you want my advice? Or do you just want to vent?”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>You may also find that if you keep asking questions (“What do you think you should do?” “How could you respond?”) kids will talk their own way through to a solution or next step. Sometimes you can be most helpful as a sounding board. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“Enjoy life now, before you have adult responsibilities or real problems.” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>We need to try to imagine what things look like from our teen’s perspective, not our adult one. “Statements that ask them to suspend the present in essence by focusing on the future land as quite minimising to their life and reality,” Silvia Kaminsky, therapist and board president of the <a href="https://usw2.nyl.as/t1/252/2ozycrdjzamqdvhrbgcjtrmtz/0/5da3d87f0afd8d936a502adc706a2677c74f65e36fbc8e9b4992eb69c2b86676" target="_blank" role="link" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://usw2.nyl.as/t1/252/2ozycrdjzamqdvhrbgcjtrmtz/0/5da3d87f0afd8d936a502adc706a2677c74f65e36fbc8e9b4992eb69c2b86676" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="4">American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy</a>, told HuffPost.</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Saying things like this “can also lead to hopelessness because if they are having such a hard go at it now, how much worse will it be when life gets harder, or entails more responsibilities?” Kaminsky added. </p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-infinite" class="ad-repeating_dynamic_display ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-infinite"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-infinite", "repeating_dynamic_display", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“You’re so irresponsible — what’s wrong with you?” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Not only is this phrase hurtful and likely to rouse your child’s defences, “it doesn’t offer any information about the impact of their actions or alternatives for what they could’ve done instead,” Coor said.</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Avoiding these harsh criticisms doesn’t mean that you “let them get away with it,” however. You can talk about your feelings and propose that you try to come up with a solution together. Coor offered the following example: “I’m really frustrated with what’s happened here. Let’s talk about how we can handle this situation together.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“At this rate, you’ll never amount to anything!” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Your intention may be to motivate your child, but “this is a hurtful attack on your teen’s self-esteem that can fuel insecurity and anxiety — ultimately discouraging them from pursuing their goals,” Coor said. Instead, take a moment to set aside your own frustration and offer words of support. Coor suggested saying: “I believe in you. I know you can figure this out.” </p></div><figure class="cli cli-image js-no-inject"><div class="img-sized"><div class="img-sized__placeholder" style="width:720px"><div style="padding-top:62.083333333333336%"></div></div><picture><source type="image/webp" srcSet="https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/66465bef24000050006d14f5.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale&format=webp"/><img class="img-sized__img landscape" loading="lazy" fetchpriority="auto" alt="Approaching conversations sensitively with your teen can help them open up to you more." width="720" height="447" src="https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/66465bef24000050006d14f5.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale"/></picture></div><div class="cli-image__spacer"></div><div class="cli-image__source-wrapper"><div class="cli-image__credit" aria-label="Image Credit: andresr via Getty Images"><div class="credit-container"><span class="credit">andresr via Getty Images</span></div></div><figcaption class="cli-image__caption caption-cli">Approaching conversations sensitively with your teen can help them open up to you more.</figcaption></div></figure><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“It doesn’t matter what other people think of you.” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Although you may believe this to be true, you also know that your teen cares a lot about their peers’ approval. They “have not had time to develop skills to counter the feelings associated with their peers’ opinions,” <a href="https://www.lakeviewtherapygroup.com/contact-vanessa-bradden-lmft" target="_blank" role="link" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="Vanessa Bradden" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://www.lakeviewtherapygroup.com/contact-vanessa-bradden-lmft" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="5">Vanessa Bradden</a>, a licensed therapist in Chicago, told HuffPost.</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-infinite" class="ad-repeating_dynamic_display ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-infinite"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-infinite", "repeating_dynamic_display", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>If a friend or classmate has said something upsetting about them, try to say something that both validates their hurt and offers reassurance by highlighting another perspective of what happened. Bradden offered this example: “I am sorry to hear that. Being 16 can be tricky; sometimes, people say things they don’t mean because they are having a hard time or having a bad day. It is OK to feel bad and remember that you are more than someone else’s bad day.” </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“That happened to me too when I was your age.” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>It’s tempting to jump right in and relay a similar experience that you may have had, proving the validity of your empathy, but this kind of a response isn’t always what kids need. “Relating it to yourself has the effect of making it about you,” Kaminsky said.</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Your teen may not feel heard, or that you’re not recognising they are different from you and their experience is unique. Instead of hijacking the conversation with your own narrative, try to use your experiences to guide the questions that you ask. “Remember how you felt in that similar circumstance and ask them if that’s how they are feeling,” Kaminsky suggested. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“If I would have said that to my parent, they would have ______.” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>It’s impossible sometimes not to compare your teen’s experiences to your own, but it’s not always a good idea to share these thoughts with your child. “It can make teens feel that their own experiences and feelings are being judged against outdated standards,” Baxley said.</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Also, if you’re talking about the ways that you were punished, kids might hear “an implied threat or warning of harsh consequences, which might instil fear or anxiety rather than understanding or respect.”</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-infinite" class="ad-repeating_dynamic_display ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-infinite"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-infinite", "repeating_dynamic_display", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>That doesn’t mean you don’t address it when your child says something unacceptable, however. Baxley suggested turning to the following phrases instead: “In our family, one of our core values is respecting each other even when we disagree. Let’s figure out how we can discuss this in a way that works for both of us,” “When you say things like that, it makes me feel [insert emotion]. Can we talk about what led to that comment?”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“You’re fine.”</strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>While perhaps true in the long run, your child is not feeling fine at the moment, and saying otherwise minimises their experience. It can be difficult for teens to cope with their big feelings.</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Ellen Galinsky, author of parenting guide “<a href="https://r.bttn.io?btn_ref=org-677cb81987ed72f9&btn_url=https://www.amazon.com/s?tag=huffuk-21%26ascsubtag%3D66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141%252C-1%252C-1%252Cd%252C0%252C0%252Chp-fil-am%253D0%252C0%253A0%252C0%252C0%252C0" target="_blank" role="link" data-amazon-link="true" class=" js-entry-link cet-external-link" data-vars-item-name="The Breakthrough Years" data-vars-item-type="text" data-vars-unit-name="66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141" data-vars-unit-type="buzz_body" data-vars-target-content-id="https://r.bttn.io?btn_ref=org-677cb81987ed72f9&btn_url=https://www.amazon.com/s?tag=huffuk-21%26ascsubtag%3D66476bb3e4b06c8b1f73a141%252C-1%252C-1%252Cd%252C0%252C0%252Chp-fil-am%253D0%252C0%253A0%252C0%252C0%252C0" data-vars-target-content-type="url" data-vars-type="web_external_link" data-vars-subunit-name="article_body" data-vars-subunit-type="component" data-vars-position-in-subunit="6">The Breakthrough Years</a>,” told HuffPost that it may be helpful for parents to see their teens’ emotions as a necessary part of their growth rather than a problem to be avoided: “Adolescents are primed to be like emotional detectors. As they move out into the world, they are primed to react strongly to experiences so they can learn when they are safe or not, belong or not, can be themselves or not. I think of these big feelings as developmentally necessary.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Instead of dismissing them, you might say, “It looks like you’re upset. Do you want to talk about it?”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>“You’re so smart.” </strong></h2></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>This can seem counterintuitive. Don’t we want kids to know we think they’re smart? The trouble is, “when kids are told how smart and capable they are, it creates pressure or a standard that they constantly need to strive for — or constantly fall short of,” Anderson said.</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-infinite" class="ad-repeating_dynamic_display ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-infinite"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-infinite", "repeating_dynamic_display", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Instead, compliment how hard they worked on something or how they were able to overcome challenges. Saying something like, ”‘I know you as a hard worker, and no matter how challenging things become, when you keep working through tough moments, things tend to work out for the better’ ... is ultimately a healthier message, and more attainable,” Anderson said. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h2><strong>Other Expert-Backed Advice For Talking To Your Teen</strong></h2></div><figure class="cli cli-image js-no-inject"><div class="img-sized"><div class="img-sized__placeholder" style="width:720px"><div style="padding-top:66.66666666666666%"></div></div><picture><source type="image/webp" srcSet="https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/66476cfa2300003200a3e77b.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale&format=webp"/><img class="img-sized__img landscape" loading="lazy" fetchpriority="auto" alt="" width="720" height="480" src="https://img.huffingtonpost.com/asset/66476cfa2300003200a3e77b.jpeg?ops=scalefit_720_noupscale"/></picture></div><div class="cli-image__spacer"></div><div class="cli-image__source-wrapper"><div class="cli-image__credit" aria-label="Image Credit: Anchiy via Getty Images"><div class="credit-container"><span class="credit">Anchiy via Getty Images</span></div></div></div></figure><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h3><strong>Give them their space, and respect when they say they’re not ready to talk</strong></h3></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>When Baxley posed the question to her own teens, they said that they dislike it when, early in the morning or right after school or practice, their parents bombard them with countless questions. They also find it frustrating when they’ve indicated they don’t feel like talking, yet their parents persist or respond with anger.</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>If your teen doesn’t feel like talking to you, you could say something like, “I understand you might need some quiet time right now; I sometimes feel that way, too. Let’s both take some time and talk later,” Baxley said. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h3><strong>Admit your mistakes</strong></h3></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>You may say some of the phrases above, or make other missteps. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed. But it does give you an opportunity to strengthen your relationship through repair.</p></div><div class="cli cli-advertisement advertisement-holder"><div class="advertisement-sticky-wrapper"><div class="advertisement__label">Advertisement</div><div class="advertisement"><div id="ad-inline-infinite" class="ad-repeating_dynamic_display ad-spot--gam ad-spot--gam-inline-infinite"></div> <script type="text/javascript"> HPGam.cmd.push(function(){ return HPGam.render("inline-infinite", "repeating_dynamic_display", false, false); }); </script> </div></div></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>“Don’t be afraid to mess up and make mistakes in talking to your youth, they love it when parents can admit they got it wrong, and course-correct — gives them hope for themselves!” Kaminsky said. </p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h3><strong>Try using ‘a part of me’ language</strong></h3></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>Anderson suggested that parents say things such as, “A part of me is hurt/sad/frustrated by what I’m hearing from you right now.” This phrasing “helps kids understand that they are not ‘all bad’ or it is not all their fault,” Anderson said. It also “implies that we feel other things about them too, such as love, admiration, and trust.”</p></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><h3><strong>Validate their feelings while reassuring them that they won’t last forever</strong></h3></div><div class="primary-cli cli cli-text "><p>One of the researchers that Galinsky interviewed, University of California, Los Angeles psychologist Jennifer Silvers, told her: “My mother told me something to the effect of, ‘Right now this feels like everything, but someday you’ll look back and it will seem like just one experience of many.’” Galinsky said this response avoids being confrontational or dismissive, accepts the teen’s feelings and offers “a tool for reframing an overwhelming moment.” </p></div><aside class="cli cli-related-articles js-cet-subunit"><div class="cli-related-articles__content-wrapper"><h2 class="cli-related-articles__title tagsRendered">Related</h2><section class="entry__tags js-cet-subunit recirc-tags"><a 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