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<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> <head><script type="text/javascript" src="https://web-static.archive.org/_static/js/bundle-playback.js?v=7YQSqjSh" charset="utf-8"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://web-static.archive.org/_static/js/wombat.js?v=txqj7nKC" charset="utf-8"></script> <script>window.RufflePlayer=window.RufflePlayer||{};window.RufflePlayer.config={"autoplay":"on","unmuteOverlay":"hidden"};</script> <script type="text/javascript" src="https://web-static.archive.org/_static/js/ruffle/ruffle.js"></script> <script type="text/javascript"> __wm.init("https://web.archive.org/web"); __wm.wombat("http://weez.oyzon.com:80/index.php?/P1170/","20060614163415","https://web.archive.org/","web","https://web-static.archive.org/_static/", "1150302855"); </script> <link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="https://web-static.archive.org/_static/css/banner-styles.css?v=p7PEIJWi" /> <link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" href="https://web-static.archive.org/_static/css/iconochive.css?v=3PDvdIFv" />  <meta http-equiv="content-type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"/> <title>Elouise Oyzon's External Memory</title> <link rel="stylesheet" type="text/css" media="all" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415cs_/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?css=weezblogtemplates/weblog_css"/> <style type="text/css" media="screen">@import "https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415cs_/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?css=weezblogtemplates/weblog_css";</style> </head> <body> <div align="right"> <table cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" border="0" width="100%"> <tr> <td bgcolor="#140805"> <img alt="blog.jpg" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415im_/http://weez.oyzon.com/archives/blog2.jpg" width="660" height="85" border="0" align="right"/> </td> </tr> </table> </div> <div id="outerwrapper"> <div id="header"> <div id="nav"><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/">Home</a> | <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/about/">About</a> | <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://www.flickr.com/photos/weez/">Photos</a> | <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://www.oyzon.com/">the OYZONS</a></div> <div class="spacer"></div> </div> <div id="wrapper"> <div class="spacer"></div> <div id="content"> <div id="blog"> <div class="sidetitle2">hairline cracks</div> Tonight was the annual Cobblestone picnic- a school that Aidan goes to. (Connor starts next year).<br/> <br/> At the picnic, it's all about the kids. I watch them take off on their own trajectories. Toddle after the baby. Sit quietly for the most part and observe the goings on. No desire to engage in conversation beyond my husband and the boys. (Too much work. Too hard to be interesting.) <br/> <br/> It's comfortable to let it all play out --See how Gabriel tests the tensile strength of a blade of grass or tastes a dandelion stem.<br/> <br/> I am the invisible woman. The larger world is the focus. Things around and beyond me are the subject. <br/> <br/> Later there is the return home, putting the boys to bed and picking up around the house, quiet except for the sound of the dishwasher. The sound of Jim trying to keep the boys at their nightly ablutions. Then his voice as he reads them a story.<br/> <br/> I prepare for bed. Take off my clothes and see a brown girl- not old or young. I brush my hair. The reflection holds a good face, not beautiful, the beginnings of very fine lines that show one who smiles a lot. The history of three pregnancies is written in stretch marks, a long scar and skin like a deflated balloon. <br/> <br/> Flannel pants and a T-shirt. Time for the boys' lullabye.<br/> <br/> This is my life. A supporting player, not the star. <br/> <br/> The woman on stage, the one who lectures, the one who works the audience, is a persona that I call upon. She is another face that is dredged to the surface with effort and leaves me exhausted when she's through.<br/> <br/> Being an invisible woman is comfortable. To be unflappable and calm, quiet and strong- all good.<br/> <br/> But apparently she is an illusion. Once people have seen the other- the persona. Once she has spoken her mind, then they have seen inside mine. In that moment on stage, the indsides are broadcast, and even later, when quiet, they <i>know</i> that underneath, something stirs.<br/> <br/> The other persona is scary. She's passionate, and lively, confident in her voice and body and wants more from life than the invisible one, the calm one who believes life is good just the way it is. There is fissure here. Hairline cracks in a perfect life. <div class="posted">Posted 06/06/2003 <br/> (11) <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/comments/6/">Comments</a> • <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/hairline_cracks/">Permalink</a>• </div> <div class="sidetitle2">The kids are alright</div> No musical soundtrack at the moment- just the sounds of my boys running like maniacs, speding the last of the day's energy before being ordered to bed. I can hear them upstairs. <br/> <br/> Aidan, "Bwaaaah!" <br/> THUD. <br/> Giggles.<br/> Connor, "Bwaaaah haaa!"<br/> THUD.<br/> More giggles.<br/> They alternate bwaa-ing and thudding.<br/> <br/> I have noooo idea what they're doing--but it sounds fun, and since there is no sound of breaking (yet), I sit here instead. <br/> <br/> Gabriel Lies in my arms, being his baby-self. This is our time.<br/> <br/> Technically, I became a mom the moment Aidan was born. Theoretically, I'm three times more mommish because I have more kids.<br/> <br/> <i>They say that Weez is one baaad mother...<br/> (Hush your mouth)<br/> ...but I'm talkin' 'bout kids<br/> (We can dig it)</i><br/> <br/> Mom's are supposed to be all knowing, together, with it, have bandaids at the ready upstanding uber domesticated females. So <b>not</b> me. Me of the "only has 13 bucks 'til the next paycheck" me. But we've got milk, and I bake bread and make my own tortillas and cookies. Their clothes are clean, and we can see the floor every third day.<br/> <br/> Yet another role. My bro said something, though that made me feel alright about it all. Beau said I wasn't really a mom, just Weez with kids.<br/> <br/> They're good kids. Pretty chill and happy guys. Can't believe they're mine. <div class="posted">Posted 06/05/2003 <br/> (10) <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/comments/5/">Comments</a> • <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/the_kids_are_alright/">Permalink</a>• </div> <div class="sidetitle2">Every Picture Tells a Story Don't It?</div> Everyone is the protagonist of their own story.<br/> <br/> Late night. The soundtrack is jazz horn. Alto sax. Reverb. Thoughtful. Blue light from a monitor in a dim room lights her face.<br/> <br/> <img alt="goof.jpg" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415im_/http://weez.oyzon.com/goof.jpg" width="180" height="105" border="0" align="left"/>Actually, in my head I've got a pretty constant stream of personal soundtrack as I go about my day to day. Most people are bit players, some are the character actors (mostly 1 dimensional fly throughs), and then there are the speaking roles.<br/> <br/> Similarly, my working assumption has been that I'm a bit player to all but myself (and maybe my kids). <br/> <br/> The revelation is this...this late in the game, on the brink of 41 ...that I'm more than a walk-on. That my words mean more than the scant weight I assume all give them other than myself. That someone would notice that I didn't greet them. (Hell, you noticed I was in the room?) That my words could make someone think deeply for a week, or that my praise would sustain them. That someone would think I was beautiful, or that I was funny, or <insert adjective here>.<br/> <br/> That in some way I am distinguished from the crowd...This is a shift in self-perception. I am important to myself. I be. To be important to others, is...<br/> <br/> is going to be different. I may have to rewrite my story. (I promise I'll try to use my power only for good). <div class="posted">Posted 06/03/2003 <br/> (8) <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/comments/4/">Comments</a> • <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/every_picture_tells_a_story_dont_it/">Permalink</a>• </div> <div class="sidetitle2">So this is it</div> Like standing on the beach, I test the waters with a toe. How cold? How deep do I go?<br/> <br/> It is not my wont to opine and bare my soul. Sadness, anger, anxiety- all those things Pandora should have left well alone reside in my own well-locked chest. It's a filipino thing, I think, to crack a joke, flash a cheesy grin and laughingly (though seriously) consider murder.<br/> <br/> How seductive to send words out on the tide like messages in a bottle. How cold? How deep? How far? <div class="posted">Posted 06/02/2003 <br/> (88) <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/comments/3/">Comments</a> • <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/so_this_is_it/">Permalink</a>• </div> <div class="paginate"> <span class="pagecount">Page 79 of 79 pages</span> <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/">« First</a>  <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/P1155/"><</a>  <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/P1140/">77</a> <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/P1155/">78</a> <b>79</b> </div> <div class="posted"> </div> </div> <div id="sidebar">  <div class="sidetitle">Recent Comments</div> <ul> </ul> <div class="sidetitle"> Photos </div>  <div align="center"> <style type="text/css"> .zg_div {margin:0px 5px 5px 0px; width:117px;} .zg_div_inner {background-color:#6F6F7C; color:#BB8; text-align:center; font-family:arial, helvetica; font-size:11px;} .zg_div a, .zg_div a:hover, .zg_div a:visited {color:#CCCC99; background:inherit !important; text-decoration:none !important;} </style> <script type="text/javascript"> zg_insert_badge = function() { var zg_bg_color = '6F6F7C'; var zgi_url = 'https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://www.flickr.com/apps/badge/badge_iframe.gne?zg_bg_color='+zg_bg_color+'&zg_person_id=44124406581%40N01'; document.write('<iframe style="background-color:#'+zg_bg_color+'; border-color:#'+zg_bg_color+'; border:none;" width="113" height="151" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" src="'+zgi_url+'" title="Flickr Badge"></iframe>'); if (document.getElementById) document.write('<div id="zg_whatlink"><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://www.flickr.com/badge_new.gne" style="color:#CCCC99;" onclick="zg_toggleWhat(); return false;">what is this?<\/a><\/div>'); } zg_toggleWhat = function() { document.getElementById('zg_whatdiv').style.display = (document.getElementById('zg_whatdiv').style.display != 'none') ? 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Make your own badge <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://www.flickr.com/badge_new.gne">here</a>.</div> <script type="text/javascript">if (document.getElementById) document.getElementById('zg_whatdiv').style.display = 'none';</script> </div> </div> </div>  <div class="sidetitle"> Mi Familia </div> <ul> <li><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://ely.oyzon.com/">dad</a></li> <li><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://lomy.oyzon.com/">mom</a></li> <li><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://nain.oyzon.com/index.php">elaine</a></li> <li><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://john.oyzon.com/">john</a></li> <li><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://ben.oyzon.com/">ben</a></li> </ul> <div class="sidetitle"> Regular Reads </div> <br/> <script language="javascript" type="text/javascript" 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Heavy (George Remix)</a></li> <li>8/5/04 <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/burbling/">Burbling</a></li> <li><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/tunskis/burbling(remix).mp3">Burbling (weez remix)</a></li> <li>8/29/04 <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/free_falling/">Free Falling</a></li> <li>8/30/04 <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/vertigo/">Vertigo</a></li> <li>9/18/04 <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/unrequited/">unrequited</a></li> <li>9/24/04 <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20060614163415/http://weez.oyzon.com/index.php?/weezblogtemplates/comments/702/">no nice</a></li> <li>10/2/04 <a 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