We Realized We Didn't Want Kids After Seeing Our Friends Have Them

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It helped us realize we want to stay child...","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://i.insider.com/67376682ede4eeae3927d590?width=1200&format=jpeg","width":1200,"height":900,"caption":"Jasmine Parasram and her husband are certain they don't want to have kids."},"name":"We thought we wanted kids until our friends started having them. It helped us realize we want to stay child-free.","datePublished":"2024-11-19T11:21:02Z","dateModified":"2024-11-19T13:33:02Z","description":"Jasmine Parasram and her husband were on the fence about having kids. Now they're certain they want to remain childless. ","keywords":"as told to, Parenting","articleBody":"This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jasmine Parasram. It has been edited for length and clarity.On my first date with my husband, Rohan, we discussed whether we wanted kids. It was 12 years ago when we were both 23.It's a bold topic for a first date, but there were two good reasons for it. First, I'm neurodivergent — I was diagnosed with ADHD two years ago — and I've always had a very strong curiosity to ask lots of questions. Second, this wasn't our first meeting. He was actually my middle-school crush. We reconnected at a mutual friend's birthday and felt comfortable enough to ask.On the date, we decided we were both 50/50 about having children. In the years since, we've both moved to being 100% certain we want to remain a childless couple forever.Prior to this relationship, I'd been engaged when I was 19 to a man I knew wanted kids. I was OK with it, not thrilled. Six months before I was due to walk down the aisle, I left the relationship, knowing it wasn't right for me.With my now-husband, seeing our friends have kids and how that looked for them changed our minds about having kids.We'd come away from those interactions feeling drained. If kids were really loud or icky or doing all the things kids are supposed to do, we kind of wanted to move away from them.My husband's mom really wanted us to have kids — she's quite intuitive and was saying she sees twins in my life. Eventually, I had to tell her that that was not what I wanted.It helps that we both have siblings — it takes the pressure off us a bit to have grandchildren. My younger sister is married and trying for kids.I don't share the same drive and motivations people have around children. I have those drives and motivations around my career, my relationship, and my life. I run my own business as a pricing coach for freelancers.Luckily — and surprisingly to me — my husband and I have always been on the same page on this issue. We check in on key topics like this on our anniversary. That sounds really unromantic, but we're very pragmatic. I'll say, \"Are you still on board with the no-kids thing?\" It's been a natural progression for us as we've grown together and know each other and our own minds more.We already feel the benefits of not having children. For example, on the weekends, we can lay in and then go to brunch, stay home, or go for a night out and not worry about anyone other than ourselves the next morning.We've been married for the last 2 ½ years, and that's when I'd say we've moved from 90% to 100% certain we want to remain childless as we look more to the future of our marriage and lives now that we're both 35.Reactions vary. It's common for people to say you just haven't found the right person, or your time will come. But that has changed in the last five years, which shows people are more accepting of our decision.Some friendships have changed around it. We're close friends with two couples who've had babies in the last year. I've said to both of them how worried I am that our friendship will be affected. But it's still hard to navigate; the version of your friend before isn't guaranteed to be there afterward, nor should it be expected to be. There's naturally an impact on how that relationship moves forward.These days, we sometimes joke we're living vicariously for those who've chosen to have children by doing all the things they might like to be doing. We can travel and pay for ourselves, prioritize our hobbies, buy a house, and use all the rooms for our own pursuits. We also feel we have financial freedom.We're genuinely thrilled for our friends who've chosen to have kids. 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It helped us realize we want to stay child-free.</h1> </section> <section class="byline-wrapper "> <div class="byline " data-e2e-name="byline" > <div class="byline-content" data-e2e-name="byline-content" > <div class="byline-row"> <div class="byline-author-container"> <div class="byline-author headline-regular"> <span class="" data-e2e-name="Gary Nunn" > <span class="headline-regular">As told to </span><a class="byline-link byline-author-name" data-e2e-name="byline-author-name" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/author/gary-nunn" >Gary Nunn</a></span> </div> <time class="byline-timestamp headline-regular js-date-format" data-timestamp="2024-11-19T11:21:02Z" data-e2e-name="byline-timestamp" data-disable-relative-formatting > 2024-11-19T11:21:02Z </time> </div> </div> </div> </div> <section class="sharebar " data-component-type="share" data-location=""> <div class="share-button-dropdown-wrapper"> <button class="share-button sharebar-link headline-regular"><svg class="svg-icon share-icon " role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="1em" height="1em" fill="none" viewBox="0 0 12 12"> <defs/> <title>Share icon</title> <desc>An curved arrow pointing right.</desc> <path fill-rule="evenodd" d="M7.336 8.014l4.2-3.5-4.2-3.5v2.8h-2.54c-1.948 0-3.526 1.567-3.526 3.5v3.16h1.469v-3.16a2.05 2.05 0 012.056-2.042h2.54v2.742z" clip-rule="evenodd"/> </svg> <span class="button-text">Share</span> </button> <div class="share-dropdown-menu dropdown-menu"> <span class="dropdown-menu-item"> <span class="share-link facebook " data-facebook data-href="https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Frealized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11&utmSource=facebook&utmContent=referral&utmTerm=topbar&referrer=facebook" label="facebook" title="Share on Facebook" aria-label="Click to share on Facebook" data-share-link data-flip-widget="" data-track-element="story" data-track-event-label="facebook" data-href-share="https://www.facebook.com/sharer/sharer.php?u=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.businessinsider.com%2Frealized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11&utmSource=facebook&utmContent=referral&utmTerm=topbar&referrer=facebook" data-e2e-name="share-link-facebook" data-utm-term="" target="_blank" > <span class="dropdown-icon"><svg class="svg-icon social-facebook-icon " role="img" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 24 24" aria-labelledby="Facebook" > <path fill="currentColor" d="M22 12.037C22 6.494 17.523 2 12 2S2 6.494 2 12.037c0 4.707 3.229 8.656 7.584 9.741v-6.674H7.522v-3.067h2.062v-1.322c0-3.416 1.54-5 4.882-5 .634 0 1.727.125 2.174.25v2.78a12.807 12.807 0 0 0-1.155-.037c-1.64 0-2.273.623-2.273 2.244v1.085h3.266l-.561 3.067h-2.705V22C18.163 21.4 22 17.168 22 12.037Z"/> </svg></span> <span class="dropdown-text headline-regular">Facebook</span> </span> </span> <span class="dropdown-menu-item"> <a class="share-link email " data-email data-share-link href="mailto:?subject=We thought we wanted kids until our friends started having them. 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data-e2e-name="image-caption" > <span class="image-caption-text">Jasmine Parasram and her husband are certain they don't want to have kids.</span> <span class="image-source-text"> <span class="image-source headline-regular" data-e2e-name="image-source" itemprop="creditText" > Courtesy of Jasmine Parasram </span> </span> </figcaption> </span> </figure> <div class="inline-backup-paywall desktop" data-component-type="inline-backup-paywall" style="display:none"> <span class="headline-semibold subscription-msg">This story is available exclusively to Business Insider subscribers. <a href="/subscription" class="subscription-link">Become an Insider</a> and start reading now.</span> <span class="headline-regular login-prompt">Have an account? <button class="login-prompt-btn">Log in</button>.</span> </div> <div> <section class="post-content typography " data-track-content="" data-post-type="post" > <div id="piano-inline-content-wrapper" data-piano-inline-content-wrapper data-user-status="anonymous" > <div data-component-type="content-lock" data-load-strategy="exclude"> <div class="content-lock-content"> <div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-1" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-1/parenting" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="gary-nunn" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-1" data-url="/realized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-1/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-1","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-not-lazy="" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><ul class="summary-list"><li>Jasmine Parasram, 35, from Melbourne, Australia, has been with her husband for 12 years.</li><li>They were initially 50/50 about having children. Now, they're sure they want to remain childless.</li><li>They've encountered family pressure and changes to friendships because of their decision.</li></ul><p><em>This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jasmine Parasram. It has been edited for length and clarity.</em></p><p>On my first date with my husband, Rohan, we <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/best-questions-to-ask-on-a-first-date-2019-8" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">discussed whether we wanted kids</a>. It was 12 years ago when we were both 23.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-2" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-2/parenting" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="gary-nunn" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-2" data-url="/realized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-2/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-2","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>It's a bold topic for a first date, but there were two good reasons for it. First, I'm neurodivergent — I was <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/symptoms-of-adhd-time-to-see-psychologist-2023-9" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">diagnosed with ADHD</a> two years ago — and I've always had a very strong curiosity to ask lots of questions. Second, this wasn't our first meeting. He was actually my middle-school crush. We reconnected at a mutual friend's birthday and felt comfortable enough to ask.</p><p>On the date, we decided we were both 50/50 about having children. In the years since, we've both moved to being 100% certain we want to remain a <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/dinks-childfree-couples-friends-millennial-2024-8" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">childless couple</a> forever.</p><h2 id="eb58f901-cfbe-4bec-a0c4-a2a298c456cd" data-toc-id="eb58f901-cfbe-4bec-a0c4-a2a298c456cd">Seeing our friends have kids changed our decision</h2><p>Prior to this relationship, I'd been engaged when I was 19 to a man I knew wanted kids. I was OK with it, not thrilled. Six months before I was due to walk down the aisle, I <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/i-ended-my-engagement-35-years-ago-never-left-relationship-2023-1" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">left the relationship</a>, knowing it wasn't right for me.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-3" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-3/parenting" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="gary-nunn" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-3" data-url="/realized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-3/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-3","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>With my now-husband, seeing our friends have kids and how that looked for them <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/woman-doesnt-want-children-told-shed-change-her-mind-2022-9" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">changed our minds about having kids</a>.</p><p>We'd come away from those interactions feeling drained. If kids were really loud or icky or doing all the things kids are supposed to do, we kind of wanted to move away from them.</p><p>My husband's mom really wanted us to have kids — she's quite intuitive and was saying she sees <a target="_blank" class="" href="https://www.businessinsider.com/loneliness-mother-twins-lacking-connection-2024-1" data-analytics-product-module="body_link" rel="">twins in my life</a>. Eventually, I had to tell her that that was not what I wanted.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-4" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="gary-nunn" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-4" data-url="/realized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><h2 id="92d4c650-7367-4038-b9c4-96d82c4813ec" data-toc-id="92d4c650-7367-4038-b9c4-96d82c4813ec">We have siblings, so all the pressure isn't on us</h2><p>It helps that we both have siblings — it takes the pressure off us a bit to have grandchildren. My younger sister is married and trying for kids.</p> <section class="dad-related-posts-component at-inline related-posts " data-component-type="dad-related-posts" data-delay-third-party-scripts="true" data-size="2" data-container-index="in_content_recirc_1" data-included-verticals="parenting" data-placement="inline" data-prevent-collision="true" data-excluded-verticals="bi-video" data-root-margin="250px 0px" data-track-view="{"event":"module_in_view","element_name":"in_content_recirc","subscription_experience":"bi_value_unassigned","product_field":"in_content_recirc_1"}"> <div class="content-recommendations-title-container"> <h2 class="content-recommendations-title headline-semibold ignore-typography "> Related stories </h2> </div> <div class="dad-related-posts-container content-recommendations-container"></div> </section><p>I don't share the same drive and motivations people have around children. I have those drives and motivations around my career, my relationship, and my life. I run my own business as a pricing coach for freelancers.</p><p>Luckily — and surprisingly to me — my husband and I have always been on the same page on this issue. We check in on key topics like this on our anniversary. That sounds really unromantic, but we're very pragmatic. I'll say, "Are you still on board with the no-kids thing?" It's been a natural progression for us as we've grown together and know each other and our own minds more.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-5" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="gary-nunn" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-5" data-url="/realized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><h2 id="1ad978e3-43eb-4145-800a-daca0ebdaaea" data-toc-id="1ad978e3-43eb-4145-800a-daca0ebdaaea">There are benefits to not having kids, but friendships have changed</h2><p>We already feel the benefits of not having children. For example, on the weekends, we can lay in and then go to brunch, stay home, or go for a night out and not worry about anyone other than ourselves the next morning.</p><p>We've been married for the last <span>2 ½</span> years, and that's when I'd say we've moved from 90% to 100% certain we want to remain childless as we look more to the future of our marriage and lives now that we're both 35.</p><p>Reactions vary. It's common for people to say you just haven't found the right person, or your time will come. But that has changed in the last five years, which shows people are more accepting of our decision.</p><div class="in-post-sticky only-desktop"><div class="ad-callout-wrapper only-desktop"> <div class="ad-label headline-regular only-desktop">Advertisement</div> <div data-bi-ad="" id="gpt-post-parenting-desktop_in_post_ad-desktop-fluid-6" class="ad ad-wrapper fluid in-post only-desktop" data-force="" data-type="ad" data-adunit="businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting" data-secvert="" data-tag="as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer" data-authors="gary-nunn" data-region="Desktop In Post Ad" data-responsive="[{"browserLimit":[728,0],"slotSize":[[300,250],"fluid"]},{"browserLimit":[1260,0],"slotSize":[[728,90],[300,250],[800,480],[600,480],"fluid"]}]" data-tile-order="tile-6" data-url="/realized-didnt-want-kids-after-seeing-friends-have-them-2024-11" data-template="default" data-targeting="{"adunit":"businessinsider.desktop/post/in-content-4-plus/parenting","region":"Desktop In Post Ad","tag":"as-told-to,parenting,parenting-freelancer","template":"default","dvp_spos":"in-content-4-plus","rawvert":""}" data-amazontamsizes="[[728,90],[300,250]]" data-enable-ad-refresher="true" data-refresh-count="0"></div> </div></div><p>Some friendships have changed around it. We're close friends with two couples who've had babies in the last year. I've said to both of them how worried I am that our friendship will be affected. But it's still hard to navigate; the version of your friend before isn't guaranteed to be there afterward, nor should it be expected to be. There's naturally an impact on how that relationship moves forward.</p><p>These days, we sometimes joke we're living vicariously for those who've chosen to have children by doing all the things they might like to be doing. We can travel and pay for ourselves, prioritize our hobbies, buy a house, and use all the rooms for our own pursuits. We also feel we have financial freedom.</p><p>We're genuinely thrilled for our friends who've chosen to have kids. 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