Digested read: I'm Only Being Honest by Jeremy Kyle | Books

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href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzz?publisherurn=the_guardian665&targetUrl=http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/jun/16/only-being-honest-jeremy-kyle&summary=%3Cp%3E%27The+joy+I+get+from+helping+little+people+stand+taller+is+unbounded.+That%27s+why+I+insist+midgets+have+boxes+to+stand+on%27%3C%2Fp%3E&headline=Digested read: I'm Only Being Honest by Jeremy Kyle |Books |The Guardian">Buzz up!</a> </li> <li class="third-party-tool"> <a id="digglink" href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://digg.com/submit?url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.guardian.co.uk%2Fbooks%2F2009%2Fjun%2F16%2Fonly-being-honest-jeremy-kyle&title=Digested+read%3A+I%27m+Only+Being+Honest+by+Jeremy+Kyle">Digg it</a> </li> </ul> </div> <div id="content"> <ul class="article-attributes multi-pub"> <li> <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/johncrace"> <img class="contributor-pic-small" src="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432im_/http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2008/06/02/john_crace_140x140.jpg" width="60" height="60" alt="John Crace" title="Contributor picture"/> </a> </li> <li id="contrib-shift"><ul> <li class="byline"> <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/johncrace" name="&lid={contentTypeByline}{John Crace}&lpos={contentTypeByline}{1}">John Crace</a> </li> <li class="publication"> <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://www.guardian.co.uk/theguardian" name="&lid={contentTypeByline}{The Guardian}&lpos={contentTypeByline}{2}">The Guardian</a>, Tuesday 16 June 2009 </li> </ul></li> </ul> <div id="article-wrapper"> <div class="image"> <img src="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432im_/http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2009/6/15/1245101849818/Jeremy-Kyle-digested-read-001.jpg" width="460" height="249" alt="Jeremy Kyle digested read illustration"/> <p class="caption">Illustration: Neal Fox. </p> </div> <p>I know what lots of people think. Just who does <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/jeremykyle">Jeremy Kyle</a> think he is? I'll tell you. A third-rate Jerry Springer who doesn't care about his guests. But I don't trawl the country looking for disadvantaged minorities to pick on. I've got researchers for that. I've also been accused of compounding society's problems by turning them into trash TV. I certainly hope so; it's hard work doing a show five days a week and it would be a drag to run out of victims to shame.</p> <div id="factbox"> <ol> <li class="inline major-heading"><b> I'm Only Being Honest</b></li> <li>by Jeremy Kyle</li> <li class="inline"> Hodder & Stoughton,</li> <li class="inline"> £16.99</li> <li class="picture"><img src="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432im_/http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Books/Pix/pictures/2009/6/4/1244128297735/Im-Only-Being-Honest-by-J-001.jpg" alt="" width="140" height="216"/></li> </ol> <ol class="sublist"> <li> <a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://www.guardianbookshop.co.uk/BerteShopWeb/viewProduct.do?ISBN=9780340980798">Buy I'm Only Being Honest at the Guardian bookshop</a></li> </ol> </div> <p>It's probably hard for you to imagine when you see the Jeremy Kyle of today, the most successful guy in showbiz, that I was a loser once. Like the little people, I cried myself to sleep because I hated myself so much. Though probably not as much as you hate me now. Amazingly, even now I'm not quite perfect: my fault is I try too hard to make things perfect for my family for whom I am the centre of the universe.</p><p>Why oh why oh why oh why do the British have such poverty of ambition? Can't people see that if a congenital idiot like me can have a TV show then anyone can? Apart from my brother, Nick, who was the family favourite and a lot cleverer than me, but screwed it all up by becoming a hopeless junkie. </p><p>Ha ha. I mean, how sad. Nick, I want you to know that I love you and I'm there for you if you need me. That's all I want to say.</p><p>Some problems are so big they can only be addressed in CAPITAL LETTERS. One thing that SICKENS me is when kids as YOUNG as 11 and 12 get PREGNANT. You have no idea what a hassle it is getting these feckless wastes of space on the TV, as the child protection guidelines are completely over the top. Give me a crack-addict shoplifter any day. </p><p>People say I'm overreacting when I say all chavs should be sterilised, but tough problems call for tough love. And I'm genuinely trying to help, because I want to help the little people in the way my parents supported me. I'll never forget the day I crashed my father's car. He could have got really angry: what I remember though is the sadness in his eyes that I hadn't hurt myself more seriously.</p><p>Am I just old and boring? No, I'm a small-minded demagogue. It's not easy knowing most people on the show regard me with disdain; especially when they are the audience. But someone has to point out what's wrong with society, and if I can't say that the biggest evil we face is the amount of crap daytime TV, then who can?</p><p>My critics have called me a hypocrite for being a gambler. Let me say here and now, gambling may have been a bit of a problem once but it isn't any more and besides, I was a bloody great gambler. And anyway, it's not like I was a scumbag junkie like my brother Nick. I still don't see why anyone takes smack when they can have a flutter on the geegees.</p><p>Contra-BLOODY-ception. Why don't kids bother? I never wore a condom when I was young, but then no one ever wanted to shag me. I do now when I'm on the TV, though. To set an example. Though I have to say, when we find some moron with 27 kids by 45 women including his grannies and his pets, the ratings are terrific. </p><p>The joy I get from helping little people stand taller is unbounded. That's why I insist midgets have boxes to stand on. And all I can say to the reporter who broke the story of me having phone sex with a 16-year-old girl is: "Where were you when that lonely, lost girl needed affection?" I also deny the show encourages violence, as that idiot judge suggested; sadly we can't get away with that in the morning, but give me a late-night show and watch the fists fly! </p><p>The reality is, the show is a symbol of all that's best about Britain: opportunistic voyeurism for those too pissed or lazy to go to work.</p><p><strong>The digested read, digested:</strong> I'll be honest too - you're a deluded tosser.</p> </div> </div> <div id="related"> <ul id="article-toolbox-side"> <li class="printable"><a href="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432/http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2009/jun/16/only-being-honest-jeremy-kyle/print" rel="nofollow" id="printlink" class="printable rollover" title="Link to a printer-friendly version" name="&lid={pageToolbox}{Printer-friendly version}&lpos={pageToolbox}{1}"><img src="http://web.archive.org/web/20090730023432im_/http://static.guim.co.uk/static/77051/common/images/icon_print.gif" alt="Print this" class="trail-icon"/><span>Printable 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Digested read: I'm Only Being Honest by Jeremy Kyle | Books | The Guardian