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1400w" sizes="(min-resolution: 4dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 50vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 4) and (max-width: 700px) 50vw, (min-resolution: 3dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 67vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 3) and (max-width: 700px) 65vw, (min-resolution: 2.5dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 80vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2.5) and (max-width: 700px) 80vw, (min-resolution: 2dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 100vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2) and (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px" type="image/webp"/><source data-testid="og" srcSet="https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:640/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 640w, https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:720/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 720w, https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:750/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 750w, https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:786/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 786w, https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:828/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 828w, https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:1100/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 1100w, https://miro.medium.com/v2/resize:fit:1400/1*49X2Hf0toxB0Nr43mNKMqg.jpeg 1400w" sizes="(min-resolution: 4dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 50vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 4) and (max-width: 700px) 50vw, (min-resolution: 3dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 67vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 3) and (max-width: 700px) 65vw, (min-resolution: 2.5dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 80vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2.5) and (max-width: 700px) 80vw, (min-resolution: 2dppx) and (max-width: 700px) 100vw, (-webkit-min-device-pixel-ratio: 2) and (max-width: 700px) 100vw, 700px"/><img alt="A boat floats on the ocean with a treed shore behind it and a blue sky with clouds above. The boat is white with green trim and is a power vessel." class="bh mt nz c" width="700" height="525" loading="eager"/></picture></div></div><figcaption class="oa ff ob nm nn oc od bf b bg z du">The boat trip a year before. Photo credit: author, Catherine Oceano</figcaption></figure><p id="46a2" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">A year before my son Ray died, I muddied my socks on a beach, miles north of here on a boat trip planned some time before.</p><p id="68fa" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">My hiking boots got stuck in two feet of muck as I wandered the shore with the dogs. I almost left them behind (shoes not dogs) but with superhuman effort, I wrenched them out but not before falling on my ass. Unharmed I giggled about my predicament. It would not be easy to stagger my way back to shore and wend along the rocks to where our dinghy was tied.</p><p id="b639" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">Later I made salsa and fake guacamole from zucchini. Fat seals slumbered on a mossy scrap of rock wondering about us as we puttered by. We anchored the boat in a bay with nothing but nature for company.</p><p id="dc41" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">I was happy because the future was unknown. In those moments life was bliss.</p><p id="9608" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">We returned from our boat trip weeks later to Ray’s confession that he was using drugs again. He was thirty. Had been clean for four years but this would be the end although I didn’t know it yet.</p><p id="7c9d" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">But I <em class="pa">was </em>very afraid for him.</p><p id="274f" class="pw-post-body-paragraph oe of hd og b hx oh oi oj ia ok ol om on oo op oq or os ot ou ov ow ox oy oz gw bk">Eleven months before he died his closest sister (also his best friend) celebrated her birthday with nieces and nephews and carrot cupcakes with cream cheese icing. We went to a petting…</p></div></div></div></div></section></div></div></article></div><div class="l"></div><footer class="pb pc pd pe gv ab q pf jb c"><div class="l ae"><div class="ab cb"><div class="ci bh fz ga gb gc"><div class="ab cp pg"><div class="ab q ll"><div class="ph l"><span class="l pi pj pk e d"><div class="ab q ll lm"><div class="pw-multi-vote-icon fj gt ln lo lp"><span><a class="af ag ah ai aj ak al am an ao ap aq ar as at" data-testid="footerClapButton" href="https://medium.com/m/signin?actionUrl=https%3A%2F%2Fmedium.com%2F_%2Fvote%2Fthe-taoist-online%2F7388589ae9bb&operation=register&redirect=https%3A%2F%2Fthetaoist.online%2Fthe-year-before-7388589ae9bb&user=Catherine+Oceano&userId=3b94ab0bd5b7&source=---footer_actions--7388589ae9bb---------------------clap_footer-----------" rel="noopener follow"><div><div class="bm" aria-hidden="false"><div class="lq ao lr ls lt lu am lv lw lx lp"><svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="24" height="24" viewBox="0 0 24 24" 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