Satire: Diary of Asif Ali Zardari - Confessional

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class="template__main modifier--open modifier--dropcap">  <div class="story__content size-six text--400 pt-4 story__content--normal "><figure class="media one-whole palm--one-whole media--stretch "> <div class="media__item "><img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20171121125624im_/https://i.dawn.com/primary/2017/06/594139d36e3e8.png" alt="Illustration by Sabir Nazir"/></div> <figcaption class="media__caption ">Illustration by Sabir Nazir</figcaption> </figure> <p> </p><p class="dropcap">My countrymen have nothing to fear but losing their chains. Or their lives, if they live in Tharparkar. My brother Che once said that a revolution is not an apple you wait for to fall. You must make it fall (and keep a slice for yourself — addendum by yours truly, Bolshevik Zardari).</p><p class="">We tried to make the government fall, to usher in the glorious revolution, and ordered dapper uniforms for ourselves after the salvo of a single tweet. But, the winds of change went from rejection to withdrawal like moi decamps to Dubai when the heat is on.</p><p class="">I am now a campaigner against corruption. We have pursued Panama in a way that little Khan could not manage. So distasteful that the nouveau riche whiten their money in that little canal state; if they had old money it would have been in Surrey. Black is beautiful.</p><p class="">You know this government has its roots in dictatorship, having flattered the dictators while parking themselves in their laps in the 1980s. But the future is now. This country deserves a PPP firmly cradled by the establishment. We need democracy to take hold outside of Sindh now; no longer should the rest of Pakistan lag behind.</p><p class="">I am sensing my new vision of revolution and anti-corruption is resonating across the country. In Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, the people have told me that PTI has not delivered; in Punjab they cry out for the lack of delivery by PMLN. Everyone is unanimous they want the garbage-strewn streets we give to Sindh.</p><p class="">Not only am I committed to a revolution in this country, I am giving the reigns of power to the next generation. I have a young chief minister who is highly educated. And like one is supposed to do with the young, I don’t let him do anything without my permission. Empowerment is power with me written backwards after all.</p><p class="">My children are so difficult — not easy being a widower. What’s a guy got to do if he can’t even bring Irfanullah Marwat into the party? Or crack a little joke at yackity women in the assembly? I don’t want a dry party. A father’s job is never done. Why do my kids have to be such ardent feminists? One is grateful, though, that they aren’t Gülenists.</p><p class="">Bilawal is deeply impressed by my revolutionary fervour. He asked if my redemption politics against the imperialism of PMLN or PTI is based on the works of Voltaire or Marx. He is young this Bilawal, and hasn’t seen Mel Gibson’s <em>Braveheart</em> so doesn’t know where I get my intellectual roots yet. He said to me, “But Papa, surely the revolution is based on Marx?” Again, what does a father say to a child who has never heard the sublime musical stylings of Prince?</p><p class="">But forget my children. They will eventually see what the common man sees in me: a champion of the poor. The people cannot even afford a Mediterranean salad, forget about adding extra-virgin olive oil or Norwegian salmon shavings to it. We must eat cake. </p><p class="">No, this can’t go on. The next PPP government will bring employment to every hungry household. A job for everyone in Pakistan Steel Mills and PIA. We will fly with strength. Viva la revolución.</p><p class="">Yours politically,</p><p class="">Asif Ali Zardari</p><hr> <p class=""><em>This article was originally published in the Herald's June 2017 issue. 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auto;overflow:hidden;max-width:670px;max-height:280px"> <div class="radWrapper ad__wrapper"> <div id="div-gpt-ad-1437714883223-0" class="ad__wrapper__slot" style="width:670px;height:280px"> <script>googletag.cmd.push(function() { googletag.display('div-gpt-ad-1437714883223-0'); });</script> </div> </div> </div> </div>  </div> </div> </section>  </div> <hr class="my-4 clear--both"/> <section id="comments" class="comments px-4"> <h1 class="comments__label caps size-eight ">Comments (12) Closed</h1> <div class="button-container border--top border--thick border--black"> <button type="button" class="button js-comments-sort-votes ml-1 float-right text--gray caps">BEST</button> <button type="button" class="button js-comments-sort-date--new ml-1 float-right text--gray caps">NEWEST</button> <button type="button" disabled="disabled" class="button js-comments-sort-date ml-1 float-right text--gray caps">OLDEST</button> </div> <br/><br/> <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25821"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Nitin </span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-15T20:09:20+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-15T20:09:20+05:00">Jun 15, 2017 08:09pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>This satire is hard to read due to difficult word usage</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25824"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Hopeful</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-15T23:31:25+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-15T23:31:25+05:00">Jun 15, 2017 11:31pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>Entertaining.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25825"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Hopeful</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-15T23:31:53+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-15T23:31:53+05:00">Jun 15, 2017 11:31pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>@Nitin You have to be able to understand satire my dear friend.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25832"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Omair</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T02:35:30+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T02:35:30+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 02:35am</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>excellent satire. A true depiction of mr. Zardari's way of thinking</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25836"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Ajaya k Dutt</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T08:36:59+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T08:36:59+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 08:36am</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>Excellent.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25838"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Sameer Waheed</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T08:59:03+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T08:59:03+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 08:59am</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>Well written. True depiction of PPP's moto</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25841"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">sami</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T10:12:03+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T10:12:03+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 10:12am</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>It's hilarious and what a way to express wit.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25849"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Skeptic</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T15:06:39+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T15:06:39+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 03:06pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>Don't forget Brother Grim, as the apple falls.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25850"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">ABE</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T15:08:55+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T15:08:55+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 03:08pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>@Nitin The only thing difficult or unbelievable about this piece is the suggestion that Zardari can write. </p> <p>It's a Satire. Don't take it too seriously.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25854"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">saeed2574</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T18:37:25+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T18:37:25+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 06:37pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>Very entertaining. Perhaps, most people will not understand as we are not in a habit of reading books.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25856"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">ghafoorbazai</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-16T19:11:08+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-16T19:11:08+05:00">Jun 16, 2017 07:11pm</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>One can write a satire without these heavy words like Bolshevik and Voltaire. Making a reference of Voltaire does not make the writer a Satirist. Do not try to be Voltaire, try being yourself.</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  <div class="comment pb-4 mb-4 border--bottom" id="25861"> <div class="row"> <div class="col-11"> <div class=""> <span class="comment__author size-four caps float-left text--gray">Syed Ahmed</span> <span class="timeago comment__date caps size-four pb-2" title="2017-06-17T00:08:07+05:00"><span class="timestamp--time timeago" title="2017-06-17T00:08:07+05:00">Jun 17, 2017 12:08am</span></span> </div> <div dir="auto" class="comment__body size-six clearfix"><p>Let's make Pakistani streets garbage strewn again(more).</p> </div> <div class=""> </div> </div> </div>  </div>  </section> </div>  </article> </div> </div> </div> </div> </main> <aside class="pb-4">  <section class="widget theme widget-adsense widget--transparent border--bottom mb-0" data-type="adsense" data-id="27"> <div class="widget__container "> <h2 class="widget__container__title text--red text--italic text--400 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Satire: Diary of Asif Ali Zardari - Confessional - Herald