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The automatic #corbynocalypse certain doom prediction machine -- Charlie Harvey
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Fortunately the certain doom prediction machine® knows exactly what it will be like. Press the button," /> <meta property="dc.publisher" content="charlieharvey.org.uk" /> <meta property="dc.contributor" content="Charlie Harvey" /> <meta property="dc.language" content="en-GB" /> <script type="application/ld+json"> { "@context": "http://schema.org" , "@type": "NewsArticle" , "mainEntityOfPage": { "@type": "WebPage" , "@id": "/page/corbynocalypse" } , "headline": "The automatic #corbynocalypse certain doom prediction machine" , "image": { "@type": "ImageObject" , "url": "http://static.charlieharvey.org.uk/graphics/fun-and-games/devil-corbyn-banner.png" , "height": "600" , "width": "400" } , "datePublished": "2015-08-14T19:32:19+00:00" , "dateModified": "2015-08-17T09:10:15+00:00" , "author": { "@type": "Person" , "name": "Charlie Harvey" } , "publisher": { "@type": "Organization" , "name": "charlieharvey.org.uk" , "logo": { "@type": "ImageObject" , "url": "http://static.charlieharvey.org.uk/img/dotorg-2013-topbar.jpg" , "width": "950" , "height": "224" } } , "description": "Everywhere I look it seems that another apocalyptic prediction about what will happen if Jeremy Corbyn is elected leader of the Labour Party. It seems that the Corbynocalypse is upon us. Fortunately the certain doom prediction machine® knows exactly what it will be like. Press the button," } </script> <!--[if lt IE 9]><script src="//static.charlieharvey.org.uk/js/vendor/respond.min.js"></script><script src="//static.charlieharvey.org.uk/js/vendor/html5shiv-printshiv.js"></script><script src="//cdn.jsdelivr.net/jquery/1.10.2/jquery-1.10.2.min.js"></script><![endif]--> <!--[if gte IE 9]><!--><script src="//static.charlieharvey.org.uk/js/zepto.min.js"></script><!--<![endif]--> <title>The automatic #corbynocalypse certain doom prediction machine -- Charlie Harvey</title> </head> <body> <!--t:header--> <p class="hidden"><a id="top" href="#content">Skip navigation</a></p> <header class="titlebar"> <h1><a rel="me home" class="fn url no_under" href="/">Charlie Harvey</a></h1> </header> <nav class="navbar navbar-inverse navbar-fixed-top"> <div class="container"> <div class="navbar-header"> <button class="navbar-toggle" data-toggle="collapse" data-target=".navbar-collapse">Menu</button> </div> <div class="navbar-collapse collapse"> <ul class="nav navbar-nav"> 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href="/page/fun_and_games" itemprop="url"></a><span itemprop="title">The automatic #corbynocalypse certain doom prediction machine</span></li> </ul> <!--/breadcrumbs--> <!--t:page/article--> <article id="corbynocalypse" class="hentry drop-cap"> <header> <h1 class="entry-title">The automatic #corbynocalypse certain doom prediction machine</h1> <a rel="bookmark" href="http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse" class="hidden">Permalink</a> <p class="article-byline"> <em>Written by <span class="author vcard"><span class="fn">Charlie</span></span> on <time class="entry-date published updated" datetime="2015-08-14T19:32:19+00:00">2015-08-14</time></em></p> </header> <div class="social-block-div"> <ul class="no-decoration" id="social-block"> <!--t:share_this_list--> <li><a 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href="javascript:void(0)" id="social-block-toggle" class="visible-lg">↗</a> </div> <div class="visible-lg"> <p style="text-align:right;"><a href="javascript:void(0)" id="sidebar-toggle">↙</a></p> <aside id="sidebar" class="quarter tinytext pull-right"> <!--t:page/related_links--> <h4>Related links</h4> <ul class="no-decoration"> <li><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Corbyn">Jeremy Corbyn on wikipedia</a></li> </ul> <!--/page/related_links--> <h4>Navigation</h4> <!--t:page/navtree--> <ul class="navtree xoxo no-decoration"> <li> <span class="tinytext glyphicon glyphicon-arrow-down"></span><a href="/page/index">Blog</a> <ul class="navtree-sub no-decoration"> <li><span class="tinytext glyphicon glyphicon-arrow-right"></span><a href="/page/musings_rants_oped">Musings</a></li> <li><span class="tinytext glyphicon glyphicon-arrow-right"></span><a href="/page/design">Design and photography</a></li> <li><span class="tinytext glyphicon glyphicon-arrow-right"></span><a 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that another apocalyptic prediction about what will happen if Jeremy Corbyn is elected leader of the Labour Party.</p> <div class="rightfloat"><img src="//static.charlieharvey.org.uk/graphics/fun-and-games/devil-corbyn-300px.png" alt="Satan is alive" /> </div> <p>It seems that the Corbynocalypse is upon us. Fortunately the <q>certain doom prediction machine</q>® knows exactly what it will be like. </p> <p>Press the button, if you dare!</p> <div class="clear"> </div> <div class="bubble" style="background-color:#fff;min-height:12em;width:99%;border:2px solid #111; border-radius:20% / 60%;text-align:center;margin:auto;padding:1em 0.65em 2em"> <h2>If Jeremy Corbyn wins then…</h2> <p id="wereDoomed" ></p> <button id="findOut" onclick="doomify()">What will happen?</button> <p id="tweet"></p> </div> <script> //<!-- consequences = [ 'He will be the leader of the Labour Party' , 'A plague of locusts will descend upon the land' , 'A rain of frogs and blood will be visited on the land' , 'All life as we know it will cease forever' , 'Billy Bragg will be number one in the charts. By law' , 'David Cameron will be turned into a pillar of salt' , 'Lenin will be resurrected' , 'Looters will be given free handouts' , 'Stalin\'s corpse will be appointed foreign secretary' , 'The Daily Mail will drown in a lake of its own bile' , 'The hardworking families of Britain will turn into lazy foreign layabouts' , 'The rich will drown in their own tears' , 'The royal family will have to drive their own motorcade' , 'The terrorists will have won' , 'Tony Blair will become peace envoy to Britain' , 'Trotsky will rise from the dead' , 'Zinoviev will be home secretary' , 'Zombie Trotsky will rise to stalk the Earth' , 'Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. That.' , 'The Tories will win' , 'Jeremy Clarkson will explode' , 'Yvette Cooper will go on a Columbine-style killing spree' , 'Andy Burnham will hit the bottle' , 'Andy Burnham will be found slumped in a bar crying and muttering "I could\'ve been a contender"' , 'He will bring back Clause 4' , 'The workers will march triumphant towards a glorious proletarian future' , 'Liz Kendall will try to stab him with a homemade shiv' , 'Yvette Cooper will turn to a life of crime, smuggling crack into Portsmouth in a second-hand sea kayak' , 'The proletariat will have created the first truly classless society' , 'The bourgeoisie will be put up against the wall and shot' , 'The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will collect out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all evildoers, and they will throw them into the furnace of fire, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.' , 'It will be the start of the rapture' , 'Yvette Cooper will kill a puppy' , 'Andy Burnham will drown a sackful of kittens' , 'Liz Kendall will beat an otter to death with a spade' , 'Tony Blair will invade Swindon' , 'Tony Blair will invade Milton Keynes' , 'The Red Flag will be declared the national anthem' , 'Waiting for the Great Leap Forwards will become the national anthem' , 'The world will be turned upside down' , 'The law of gravity will be reversed and the Earth will spew humanity into space' , 'Boris Johnson will have to sign on' , 'The royal family will get evicted and have to live on the streets' , 'The bank note portraits will be of Ken Livingston, Stalin and the Devil' , 'Peter Kropotkin will be declared a Saint' , 'The sun will swallow up the Earth in an immense fireball lasting thousands of years' , 'The Labour party will still be shit' , 'Tony Blair will cry like a drunken otter' , 'We are all doomed! Doomed I tell you!' , 'Michael Foot\'s ghost will haunt the land like a duffel-coated spectre of the undead' , 'The unions will be in his cabinet' , 'Death, pestilence and high taxes will stalk the land' , 'The Tories will drown in Thatcher’s tears' , 'The big bang will fizzle out' , 'Poor people will feast on the still warm flesh of the wealthy' , 'A plague of warts, sarcasm and general melancholia will descend upon the land' , 'The bankers will lynch him' , 'Uppity peasants will feast on Swan’s flesh' , 'God himself will wreak a cruel vengence on us' , 'Rioters will loot the palaces of our monarchy' , 'The Queen will have to get a part time job as a cabbie' , 'Boris Johnson will suffocate in a choking cloud of his own outrage' , 'The meek shall inherit the Earth' , 'The world will laugh at us' , 'We will be overrun by immigrants' , 'Civilization will be over' , 'Britain will become like Soviet Russia' , 'Your children will be used as slaves' , 'Rioters will be given OBEs' , 'Everybody in the Labour Party will have to move to Rhyll where they will be kept in a concentration camp and force fed copies of the Morning Star' , 'There will be no Christmas' , 'The Labour Party will be banished to the moon for 100 years' , 'The Labour Party will never be elected again' , 'The planet will be taken over by aliens' , 'Earth\'s atmosphere will be replaced by molten poison' , 'We will all die' , 'Thousands will perish' , 'Bognor Regis will declare independence' , 'The peasants will revolt' , 'Eton will be nationalized' , 'Fox hunters will be fed to the foxes' , 'Speaking with a posh accent will be made illegal' , 'It will be illegal to work and we will all have to sign on' , 'The Labour Party will be annhilated' , 'The Labour Party will be forced to swim through a lake of fire' , 'Noam Chomsky will be appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer' , 'Hugo Chavez will be dug up to serve as minister of culture' , 'The Lib Dems will come back from the dead like Lazarus (h/t Jack Straw)' , 'There will be a firestorm (h/t Owen Jones)' , 'Labour risks annhilation (h/t Tony Blair)' , 'It\'s the Tories who\'ll be a whisker away from disaster (h/t Peter Hitchens)' , 'Labour Party faces destruction' , 'There would be a brain drain, and the inflow of talent would cease. With the disincentive of punitive taxation, growth would be squeezed out and stagnation would set in. (h/t Adam Smith Institute)' , 'Labour could be finished (h/t Alistair Campbell)' , 'The reason for the inexplicable beard revival will be revealed! (h/t @MadlyMuffiny)' , 'He will bring back Last of the Summer Wine (h/t @MadlyMuffiny)' , 'He will unprove Fermat\'s last theorem (h/t @MadlyMuffiny)' , 'The inevitable zombie apocalypse will begin (h/t @BendyBacon\'s bio)' , 'P will equal NP' , 'Labour could split (h/t Andy Burnham)' , '[After 18 months] he party would come to its senses and eject Corbyn in an IDS-style coup (h/t the Spectator)' , 'Corbyn would be uniformly rejected by voters and Labour would find itself completely broken — or Britain could become a socialist nation. (h/t the Spectator)' , 'Corbyn would only last a few weeks before a coup by Labour MPs with another leadership election following soon after. (h/t the Spectator)' , 'He would immediately set out Labour’s opposition to almost all spending cuts (h/t LabourList)' , 'Labour\'s biggest donors will cut off its supply of cash (h/t the Torygraph)' , 'His opponents will topple him from the top of the party if they want. But they will not be able to oust the increasingly left-wing base that put him there. (h/t the Economist)' , 'George Galloway will rejoin Labour (h/t Plymouth Herald)' , 'He will kill the Green Party (h/t Nigel Farage)' , 'It will be the start of the apocalypse' , 'Skynet will send a terminator back in time to kill his mum' , 'All of creation will contract to a singularity, the size of a peanut and the known universe will cease to exist' , 'The 4 horsemen of the Corbynocalypse will stalk the land' , 'He will prove the Riemann hypothesis. On an etch-a-sketch.' , 'Paul Daniels will leave the country' , 'He will ban kittens' , 'The ocelot will go extinct' , 'He will replace the Great British Bakeoff with films for the upliftment of proletarian socialist minds' , 'Donald Trump will bomb Birmingham' ] ; function doomify() { if(qs['bcs']) { bcs=qs['bcs'] $('#wereDoomed').html(consequences[qs['bcs']]); qs['bcs']=''; } else { bcs = Math.floor(Math.random()*consequences.length); $('#wereDoomed').html(consequences[bcs]); } $('#findOut').text('And what else?'); c = consequences[bcs]; if(c.length>62) c = encodeURIComponent(c.substring(0,62)) + '%E2%80%A6'; else c = encodeURIComponent(c); $('#tweet').html('<a href="https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=If%20Jeremy%20Corbyn%20wins:%20' + c + '%20%23corbynocalypse' + '&url=http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse%3Fbcs%3d' + bcs + '&via=ciderpunx&related=ciderpunx' + '">Tweet this</a>'); } var qs = (function(a) { if (a == "") return {}; var b = {}; for (var i = 0; i < a.length; ++i) { var p=a[i].split('=', 2); if (p.length == 1) b[p[0]] = ""; else b[p[0]] = decodeURIComponent(p[1].replace(/\+/g, " ")); } return b; })(window.location.search.substr(1).split('&')); if(qs['bcs']) doomify(); //--> </script> </div> <!--t:tweet--> <ul class="no-decoration" id="after-article-shares"> <!--t:share_this_list--> <li><a href="https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=I’m%20reading%20The%20automatic%20%23corbynocalypse%20certain%20doom%20prediction%20machine%20—%20&url=http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse&via=ciderpunx&related=ciderpunx" class="sprite twitter">Share on Twitter</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.facebook.com/share.php?u=http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse&t=I’m%20reading%20The%20automatic%20%23corbynocalypse%20certain%20doom%20prediction%20machine" class="sprite facebook">Share on Facebook</a></li> <li><a href="https://plus.google.com/share?url=http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse" class="sprite gplus">Share on Google+</a></li> <li><a href="http://news.ycombinator.com/submitlink?u=http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse&t=The%20automatic%20%23corbynocalypse%20certain%20doom%20prediction%20machine" class="sprite hackernews">Share on Hacker News</a></li> <li><a href="#comments" class="sprite comment-icon">1</a></li> <!--/share_this_list--> </ul> <!--/tweet--> </article> <!--t:comment--> <section> <p><a id="comments" href="#"></a><br /></p> <h3>Comments</h3> <!--t:comment/form--><div id="comment-form" class="comment"> <form method="post" action="/comment/create" enctype="multipart/form-data"> <div class="comment-detail tinytext"> <ul> <li>Be respectful. You may want to read the <a href="/page/comment_guidelines">comment guidelines</a> before posting.</li> <li>You can use <a href="http://daringfireball.net/projects/markdown/syntax">Markdown syntax</a> to format your comments. You can only use level 5 and 6 headings.</li> <li>You can add class="your language" to code blocks to help <a href="https://highlightjs.org/">highlight.js</a> highlight them correctly.</li> </ul> <p> <strong>Privacy note</strong>: This form will forward your IP address, user agent and referrer to the <a href="http://akismet.com/">Akismet</a>, <a href="http://stopforumspam.com">StopForumSpam</a> and <a href="http://www.botscout.com/">Botscout</a> spam filtering services. I don’t log these details. Those services will. I <em>do</em> log everything you type into the form. Full <a href="/page/privacy">privacy statement</a>. </p> </div> <p> <label for="bdy" class="required">Leave a reply:</label><br /> <textarea required name="bdy" rows="5" cols="52" id="bdy" placeholder="Type your comment here"></textarea> </p> <p class="comment-detail"> <input type="hidden" name="page_id" value="434" /> <label for="nick">Name:</label> <input type="text" name="nick" value="" size="45" maxlength="140" id="nick" placeholder="Optional nickname" /> <br /> <label class="required" for="email">Email:</label> <input type="email" placeholder="email@example.com" required name="email" value="" size="45" maxlength="140" id="email" /> <br /> <label for="url">URL:</label> <input type="url" name="url" value="" placeholder="http://example.com" size="45" maxlength="140" id="url" /> <br /> <label for="ctitle">Title:</label> <input type="text" name="ctitle" value="" size="45" maxlength="100" id="ctitle" placeholder="Optional title" /> <br /> </p> <p> <label class="hidden" for="submit">Submit comment: </label> <input type="submit" name="submit" value=" Comment »" class="btn btn-dark btn-lg" id="submit" /> </p> </form> <script> $('.comment-detail').hide(); $('#bdy').focus( function(){ $('.comment-detail').show(); $('#bdy').attr('rows',10); $('#name').focus(); }); </script> </div><!--/comment/form--> <ul> <li class="unstyled-list comment top-bordered"> <!--t:comment/view--> <article class="comment hentry hreview"> <header> <p class="cid rightfloat"><a href="/comment/728">#728</a></p> <h5 class="author reviewer vcard" rel="author"> <span class="fn">robyn </span> </h5> <h4 class="entry-title">hahaha</h4> </header> <div class="description entry-content comment-bdy"> <p>Haha! This is brilliant. It reads exactly like the headlines at the moment</p> </div> <div class="item hidden"><span class="type">url</span>:<a class="fn url" href="http://charlieharvey.org.uk/page/corbynocalypse">The automatic #corbynocalypse certain doom prediction machine</a></div> <p class="dtreviewed updated published tinytext auth"> <time class="value-title" title="2015-08-17T09:06:05Z" datetime="2015-08-17T09:06:05Z">2015-08-17</time> </p> </article> <!--/comment/view--> </li> </ul> </section> <!--/comment--> <aside class="what-next"> <ul class="row tinytext no-decoration"> <li class="col-sm-4"> <!--t:page/related_links--> <h4>Related links</h4> <ul class="no-decoration"> <li><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Corbyn">Jeremy Corbyn on wikipedia</a></li> </ul> <!--/page/related_links--> </li> <li class="col-sm-4"> <!--t:page/recently_in--> <h4>Recently in <a href="/page/fun_and_games"><em>Fun & Games</em></a></h4> <ul class="no-decoration"> <li><a href="/page/hipster_menu_crafter">The 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