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aria-hidden="true"><title>no</title><path d="M32 3.5L28.5 0 16 12.5 3.5 0 0 3.5 12.5 16 0 28.5 3.5 32 16 19.5 28.5 32l3.5-3.5L19.5 16 32 3.5z"></path></svg><span class="css-oyqyoe-VisuallyHidden e1y6uwnp0">close</span></span></button></div><style data-emotion-css="1pce0iu-PanelWrapper">.css-1pce0iu-PanelWrapper{padding:1rem;display:inline-block;}</style><div class="css-1pce0iu-PanelWrapper e15ad6a62"><style data-emotion-css="1gz1vxy-StyledTitleArea">.css-1gz1vxy-StyledTitleArea{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.375rem;padding-bottom:1rem;position:absolute;overflow:hidden;margin:0;width:1px;height:1px;-webkit-clip-path:inset(100%);clip-path:inset(100%);-webkit-clip:rect(1px,1px,1px,1px);clip:rect(1px,1px,1px,1px);white-space:nowrap;}@media (min-width:37.5rem){.css-1gz1vxy-StyledTitleArea{font-size:1.25rem;line-height:1.5rem;}}</style><div id="share-tools-panel" aria-hidden="true" class="css-1gz1vxy-StyledTitleArea e15ad6a64">Share page</div><div><div><style 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data-emotion-css="kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer">.css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer{position:relative;}</style><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><style data-emotion-css="1xtcmof-Placeholder">.css-1xtcmof-Placeholder{position:relative;display:block;padding-bottom:56.25%;background-color:#EEEEEE;}.css-1xtcmof-Placeholder img{overflow:hidden;position:absolute;top:0;right:0;bottom:0;left:0;display:-webkit-box;display:-webkit-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webkit-box-pack:center;-webkit-justify-content:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;-webkit-align-items:center;-webkit-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;height:100%;object-fit:cover;}</style><span class="css-1xtcmof-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><style data-emotion-css="evoj7m-Image">.css-evoj7m-Image{display:block;width:100%;height:auto;}</style><img alt="Two girls and a woman on the beach, looking out to sea" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg" width="976" height="549" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><style data-emotion-css="5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper">.css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper{margin:1rem auto;max-width:36.25rem;}</style><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><style data-emotion-css="83cqas-RichTextContainer">.css-83cqas-RichTextContainer{color:#3F3F42;}.css-83cqas-RichTextContainer > *:not([hidden]):not(style) ~ *:not([hidden]):not(style){margin-top:1rem;}</style><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p><style data-emotion-css="14iz86j-BoldText">.css-14iz86j-BoldText{font-weight:bold;}</style><b class="css-14iz86j-BoldText e5tfeyi0">When Sophie Townsend's husband, Russell, died in 2012 she was overcome with grief, but as the mother of two young children she had to keep going. Here she describes the new life she began at the age of 39, a single parent and widow slowly "re-entering the world" - and becoming OK.</b></p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>Byron Bay, on the north coast of New South Wales, Australia, is a magical place - it's hard to describe without sounding like a holiday brochure, but the crystal-clear water, the stretches of white sand, the lush rainforest - well, that's just the way it is. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>It's 2013, a year since my husband died, and when I first think of the trip to Byron, it's to scatter his ashes.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>Right now, they're in the ugly plastic container they came in from the crematorium. He grew up near Byron, and I think that the girls and I could scatter them in the ocean. But when I'm packing the car, I can't do it. It's a 10-hour trip up the coast from Sydney, and I hate the idea of him being so far away.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>And so we go without them. It's just a holiday, a way to unwind - walking barefoot on the sand, floating in the sea. A little bit of rest and relaxation in this place we love.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>We spend most days on Main Beach, where there are crowds of surfers and it's an easy walk to fish and chip shops and ice creameries. But on our last day I tell the girls I'd like to go to Wategos Beach. Poppy and Bear, now aged nine and 11, are unenthusiastic about Wategos, but it's the beach I love best - it's where their dad took me on our first ever holiday together. And it was where he and I sat at the edge of the surf with them, building castles in the sand, letting the tide overwhelm our sand-sculptures. The girls would squeal, their little legs carrying them up the beach, chased by the ever-diminishing tide.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>They indulge me, and there we are, diving under the waves - me and my girls, letting the ocean do what it does best, washing away worries, holding us, allowing us to relax into its rhythm.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I come up from under a wave and I feel it now - the rip current - a channel of fast-moving water pulling us out from shore. Bear and Poppy have been pulled away from me, and they're trying to swim back. I can see them, struggling, being pulled further away from safety. So I shout at them, not to panic, to just keep swimming sideways. The worst thing you can do is try to get into the shore - you'll always lose that battle, so you need to keep calm, conserve your energy, keep breathing. I see them go under, bob up, and I can't believe I missed the danger signs, and I wonder how this happened, so fast, and I keep yelling, "Don't panic!" But it's clear that this is very, very dangerous.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>Poppy, the youngest, is nearest to me, and she makes it into my arms. Bear keeps paddling, but the current keeps pushing her away. There she goes again, under, and up, and under, and I signal to her to keep her hand up in the air, and a wave pushes Poppy and me towards the jagged rocks. And it seems that we could be safe here - if we could scramble up, we'd be all right, but we're pummelled, over and over, beaten against the rocks. I try to put my body between Poppy and the sharp edges, try to lift her over my head and on to the rock shelf, but I'm not strong enough, and Bear has disappeared from view.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>A voice. "I got you, let's get in. Just hold on."</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I say, "But my girl, my other girl, she's..."</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>But he keeps his focus. He swims through the water, us clinging on, gets us on to the sand.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>And there she is, there's Bear, spluttering and shivering, and the three of us sit, panting, crying, relieved.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I thank the guy who saved us, and he shrugs, embarrassed by my gratitude. I take the girls back to our rented apartment, for our last night before the drive back home. And despite the terrible stove and the banged-up pots, I cook a meal, and we eat together. </p></div></div><style data-emotion-css="mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper">.css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper{margin:1.5rem auto;max-width:50rem;}</style><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><span class="css-1xtcmof-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Three bowls of pasta" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg" width="976" height="549" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>We're enjoying sitting together, talking. Poppy is retelling the story of what she's calling our near-death experience. She has a keen sense of drama, and re-enacts the whole thing for us, with spluttering and hand-waving, as her sister, so very cool, rolls her eyes. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>It feels that this simple meal, the three of us eating together, is something special, something new. It's something about survival, I guess.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I haven't cooked them dinner in such a long time. This year, the first one after their father died, they have also lost their mother. Bits of their mother, anyway.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>When Russell was diagnosed with lung cancer we said we'd keep the girls' lives as normal as possible. It was a crazy idea really - there's nothing normal about cancer, nothing at all. Watching your father get sicker, thinner, more reliant on morphine to relieve the pain is not normal. Watching your mother trying to hold it together, trying not to cry in front of you, saying something cheerful as she hands your father his afternoon dose of morphine, is not normal either.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>He died in February, on a hot, muggy Sydney day, nine months after he was diagnosed. Sitting by your father's side, watching him die, as your mother screams, as the world seems to fade to black - that's not normal.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>In that first year after his death, I was so wounded, and it was the girls who felt it. They looked to me to make it better. In that first year, there were so many things I didn't know how to do. I had to learn how to pay all the bills for the electricity and the gas because they'd always been in his name. I had to work out how to get the house clean and tidy without his help. In the first winter after he died, I didn't even know how to get the heating working - Russell had a special trick for getting the pilot light on, so we lived for weeks, cold and miserable. Mostly, I didn't know how to hold them, how to make them feel better.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I haven't made them a proper meal for so long because, in all the grief, I forgot how. So a bowl of pasta, slightly overcooked, with a sauce that is really not my best, felt like a feast. It felt like a first step. Just a few days after the first anniversary of Russell's death, we started to re-enter the world.</p></div></div><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><style data-emotion-css="1iqsg44-Placeholder">.css-1iqsg44-Placeholder{position:relative;display:block;padding-bottom:3.685897435897436%;background-color:#EEEEEE;}.css-1iqsg44-Placeholder img{overflow:hidden;position:absolute;top:0;right:0;bottom:0;left:0;display:-webkit-box;display:-webkit-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webkit-box-pack:center;-webkit-justify-content:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;-webkit-align-items:center;-webkit-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;height:100%;object-fit:cover;}</style><span class="css-1iqsg44-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Short presentational grey line" 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class="css-qozapo-StyledHeading e1fj1fc10">Find out more</h2></div><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><span class="css-1xtcmof-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Goodbye To All This title image" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg" width="976" height="549" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p><style data-emotion-css="po6dm6-ItalicText">.css-po6dm6-ItalicText{font-style:italic;}</style><i class="css-po6dm6-ItalicText e5tfeyi1">Losing the thing you are most sure of and coming out the other side.</i></p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p><style data-emotion-css="yidnqd-InlineLink">.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link{color:#3F3F42;}.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited{color:#696969;}.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited{font-weight:bolder;border-bottom:1px solid #BABABA;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link:hover,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited:hover,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link:focus,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited:focus{border-bottom-color:currentcolor;border-bottom-width:2px;color:#B80000;}@supports (text-underline-offset:0.25em){.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited{border-bottom:none;-webkit-text-decoration:underline #BABABA;text-decoration:underline #BABABA;-webkit-text-decoration-thickness:1px;text-decoration-thickness:1px;-webkit-text-decoration-skip-ink:none;text-decoration-skip-ink:none;text-underline-offset:0.25em;}.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link:hover,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited:hover,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:link:focus,.css-yidnqd-InlineLink:visited:focus{-webkit-text-decoration-color:currentcolor;text-decoration-color:currentcolor;-webkit-text-decoration-thickness:2px;text-decoration-thickness:2px;color:#B80000;}}</style><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p08t2vn3" class="css-yidnqd-InlineLink e1no5rhv0">Listen to Goodbye To All This, a 12-part podcast by Sophie Townsend, from the BBC World Service</a></p></div></div><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><span class="css-1iqsg44-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Short presentational grey line" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png" width="624" height="23" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>Re-entry is not smooth. There are plenty of good days, but bad ones too. They argue with each other, each of them argues with me. There's still a lot of silence in the house, not quite enough laughter. I wake up crying sometimes, and there are times I look at my girls, and that sadness in their eyes is more than I can stand. But in the winter after the first anniversary, I manage to get the heating working, and we have a system now for dinner - I cook most nights, but I'm teaching them a few simple meals, and we sit together, and eat, and talk about our day, and we try to feel OK that there's three of us, not four.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>The night before Poppy turns 11, a few months after the second anniversary of her dad's death, I have it together enough to make cupcakes for her to take in for her class. It's a triumph; a symbol that life is on an even(ish) keel. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>In the morning, we walk into the school, through the gate and into the playground, carefully carrying the tray of cakes. She says goodbye to me hurriedly, doesn't want me to linger, because it's her birthday and she wants to be with her friends, to share cake and tell them about her presents. I watch her walk into her class, the other kids gathering round her and her bounty, and I get that stab of loneliness that I've been getting so often lately. It happens at the oddest times, like at school drop-off, or when Bear says she's busy with her friends and can't come to the movies with me. Bear's 13 now, in her second year of high school. She barely comes out of her room these days.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I love the girls desperately, but as they grow up, they keep moving away from me. I want something else, someone else. I want someone to ask about my day, hold me at night. I'm scared of doing anything about it, but I'm also scared not to, because this loneliness keeps getting worse. I am persuaded to try internet dating, and I don't take to it. I complain to a friend that one of the men matched with me says he's passionate about tropical fish. She asks why on Earth that's a problem - surely it's impossible to dislike someone just because they like tropical fish? </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>"It's the being passionate," I tell her. "Like it's world peace or something." She frowns at me, and when I tell her that no-one in the world of online dating uses inverted commas correctly, she takes me to a bar.</p></div></div><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><span class="css-1xtcmof-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Cocktail glasses stand on a bar" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg" width="976" height="549" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I meet someone, and I like the way he smiles. In the crush of people and the noise of the band, a smile, a joke, something warm and natural without the involvement of fish or misplaced apostrophes, hits me hard. We talk and laugh and the loneliness has gone, for now. It feels like enough, because really, I want so little, need this so much, that I'll take what I can get. And take it I do - way too much, way too fast.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>After a few weeks, I begin to imagine the girls meeting him. They'll love him, I know it. He'll love them. He tells me he's worried about meeting them too soon, wants to wait. But I'm sure it will be all right. I want him to know them, for them to know him, because I think he'll make them happy. He makes me happy, I think, so why wait?</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>I tell him I love him. And he winces. It's way too much, way too fast.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>And I'm alone again, and it feels like pressing on a bruise - that pain you have that's just vague enough not to worry about too much, until you apply pressure, and for that moment, the pain gets so sharp, and so real, it takes your breath away. That's what it's like, in the wake of the first failed love affair, in the absence of someone to love me, in the absence of Russell.</p></div></div><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><span class="css-1xtcmof-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Mother and girls walking dog" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg" width="976" height="549" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>As you move on from death, and from that intense grief and shock, the way you feel doesn't get better in a measurable, straightforward trajectory. It has got better, mostly. The friends and family that kept me together and sane still keep me together and sane. I'm better at seeing my girls move through the world, increasingly without my help - they're young women now, after-all - Bear is 20, Poppy 17. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>Then I hear his favourite song on the radio in a boutique, while I'm trying on a pair of jeans, and I can't move. The sales assistant knocks on the door to see how I'm going and I can't speak. Another day, quite out of nowhere, I remember the way he looked in a crisp white shirt and I fall apart. There are nights when I'm putting out the garbage and I'm furious that he's not here to help.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>But there are moments when I think about a joke he once told, and it makes me laugh. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>His ashes are still in the ugly plastic container from the crematorium. He would have hated me spending lots of money on a nice urn, and I don't know where we'd scatter them - everywhere feels too far away. I had thought of scattering them in our garden, but just as I'd made up my mind to do it, the back wall came down in a storm, and after the clean-up and rebuild, it all felt too hard. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>People ask me if I'm OK being single, but I don't feel very single at all. I have the girls, my dog, my family and friends. I'm dug into the place where I live, and I walk in the park and to coffee with neighbours, and it's OK. It's more than OK. Sometimes I dream he's alive and I wake up, shocked not to find him there. But then I remember. I remember going to specialists, getting the news. I remember the way his skin got so pale, the way he got so thin. I remember the breath he took, the last one, so guttural and strange. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>But I remember the good things too. There's an awful lot of good things to remember, and a lot to look forward to, and in between, I'm OK. </p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p><i class="css-po6dm6-ItalicText e5tfeyi1">The children's names, Bear and Poppy, are pseudonyms</i></p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p><i class="css-po6dm6-ItalicText e5tfeyi1"><b class="css-14iz86j-BoldText e5tfeyi0">Illustrated by Katie Horwich</b></i></p></div></div><div data-component="crosshead-block" class="css-1pjue2t-ComponentWrapper-CrossheadComponentWrapper e1xue1i84"><h2 class="css-qozapo-StyledHeading e1fj1fc10">You may also be interested in:</h2></div><div data-component="image-block" class="css-mxs2fu-ComponentWrapper e1xue1i80"><figure class="css-2y05cd-StyledFigure e34k3c20"><div class="css-kwaqyc-StyledFigureContainer e34k3c22"><style data-emotion-css="u5hxdy-Placeholder">.css-u5hxdy-Placeholder{position:relative;display:block;padding-bottom:66.49590163934425%;background-color:#EEEEEE;}.css-u5hxdy-Placeholder img{overflow:hidden;position:absolute;top:0;right:0;bottom:0;left:0;display:-webkit-box;display:-webkit-flex;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-webkit-box-pack:center;-webkit-justify-content:center;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;-webkit-align-items:center;-webkit-box-align:center;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;width:100%;height:100%;object-fit:cover;}</style><span class="css-u5hxdy-Placeholder e16icw910"><span><noscript><img alt="Iain Cunningham (aged two-and-a-half), with his mother, Irene Cunningham" srcset="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg 240w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg 320w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg 480w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg 624w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg 800w, https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg 976w" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329im_/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/295F/production/_112919501_1iainandirenebench_976.jpg" width="976" height="649" loading="lazy" class="css-evoj7m-Image ee0ct7c0"/></noscript></span></span></div></figure></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p>Iain Cunningham always believed that his birth had something to do with his mother's death, but whatever it was seemed to be a family secret that couldn't be discussed. It wasn't until Iain was an adult with a family of his own that he uncovered who his mother really was and why she had died.</p></div></div><div data-component="text-block" class="css-5rhf4g-RichTextComponentWrapper e1xue1i83"><div class="css-83cqas-RichTextContainer e5tfeyi2"><p><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-53050531" class="css-yidnqd-InlineLink e1no5rhv0">'After mum died, no-one talked about her for 15 years'</a></p></div></div><style data-emotion-css="144ki52-SectionWrapper">.css-144ki52-SectionWrapper{margin:1.5rem 0;padding-top:1.5rem;}</style><section data-component="tag-list" class="css-144ki52-SectionWrapper e1nh2i2l4"><style data-emotion-css="1ig489z-StyledTagContainer">.css-1ig489z-StyledTagContainer{font-family:ReithSans,Helvetica,Arial,freesans,sans-serif;font-weight:400;font-size:0.875rem;line-height:1.125rem;}</style><div class="css-1ig489z-StyledTagContainer ed0g1kj0"><style 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But in time their lives returned to an even(ish) keel.","lastUpdated":1609762748515,"firstPublished":1609634416000,"lastPublished":1609634416000,"timestamp":1609634416000,"analytics":{"page":{"name":"news.stories.story.55304874.page","contentId":"urn:bbc:cps:cb7480fe-acf4-48d9-96e4-8fe356e8a373","section":"stories","producer":"NEWS","additionalProperties":{"custom_var_1":"2021-01-03T00:40:16.000Z","custom_var_2":"2021-01-03T00:40:16.000Z"}}},"indexImage":{"alt":"Two girls and a woman on the beach, looking out to sea","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/1024/branded_news/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg","iChefSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/1024/branded_news/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg","width":976,"height":549},"section":{"name":"Stories","uri":"/news/stories"},"site":{"name":"BBC News","uri":"/news"},"timestampRelative":"2 days ago","publishedDateTime":"2021-01-03T00:40:16.000Z","translations":{"seeAlsos":"More on this story","tagList":"Related Topics","socialEmbed":{"instagram":{"warningText":null,"linkText":null},"facebook":{"warningText":"The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites.","linkText":"View original post on Facebook"},"twitter":{"warningText":"The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites.","linkText":"View original tweet on Twitter"},"youtube":{"warningText":"Warning: Third party content may contain adverts","linkText":null}}}},"headline":"‘My husband’s ashes are still unscattered, but we're doing OK’","contributor":null,"blocks":[{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":true,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/1EB3/production/_116195870_family-on-beach-v2.jpg 976w","height":549,"width":976,"alt":"Two girls and a woman on the beach, looking out to sea","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"When Sophie Townsend's husband, Russell, died in 2012 she was overcome with grief, but as the mother of two young children she had to keep going. Here she describes the new life she began at the age of 39, a single parent and widow slowly \"re-entering the world\" - and becoming OK.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"When Sophie Townsend's husband, Russell, died in 2012 she was overcome with grief, but as the mother of two young children she had to keep going. Here she describes the new life she began at the age of 39, a single parent and widow slowly \"re-entering the world\" - and becoming OK.","attributes":["bold"]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Byron Bay, on the north coast of New South Wales, Australia, is a magical place - it's hard to describe without sounding like a holiday brochure, but the crystal-clear water, the stretches of white sand, the lush rainforest - well, that's just the way it is. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Byron Bay, on the north coast of New South Wales, Australia, is a magical place - it's hard to describe without sounding like a holiday brochure, but the crystal-clear water, the stretches of white sand, the lush rainforest - well, that's just the way it is. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"It's 2013, a year since my husband died, and when I first think of the trip to Byron, it's to scatter his ashes.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"It's 2013, a year since my husband died, and when I first think of the trip to Byron, it's to scatter his ashes.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Right now, they're in the ugly plastic container they came in from the crematorium. He grew up near Byron, and I think that the girls and I could scatter them in the ocean. But when I'm packing the car, I can't do it. It's a 10-hour trip up the coast from Sydney, and I hate the idea of him being so far away.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Right now, they're in the ugly plastic container they came in from the crematorium. He grew up near Byron, and I think that the girls and I could scatter them in the ocean. But when I'm packing the car, I can't do it. It's a 10-hour trip up the coast from Sydney, and I hate the idea of him being so far away.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"And so we go without them. It's just a holiday, a way to unwind - walking barefoot on the sand, floating in the sea. A little bit of rest and relaxation in this place we love.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"And so we go without them. It's just a holiday, a way to unwind - walking barefoot on the sand, floating in the sea. A little bit of rest and relaxation in this place we love.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"We spend most days on Main Beach, where there are crowds of surfers and it's an easy walk to fish and chip shops and ice creameries. But on our last day I tell the girls I'd like to go to Wategos Beach. Poppy and Bear, now aged nine and 11, are unenthusiastic about Wategos, but it's the beach I love best - it's where their dad took me on our first ever holiday together. And it was where he and I sat at the edge of the surf with them, building castles in the sand, letting the tide overwhelm our sand-sculptures. The girls would squeal, their little legs carrying them up the beach, chased by the ever-diminishing tide.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"We spend most days on Main Beach, where there are crowds of surfers and it's an easy walk to fish and chip shops and ice creameries. But on our last day I tell the girls I'd like to go to Wategos Beach. Poppy and Bear, now aged nine and 11, are unenthusiastic about Wategos, but it's the beach I love best - it's where their dad took me on our first ever holiday together. And it was where he and I sat at the edge of the surf with them, building castles in the sand, letting the tide overwhelm our sand-sculptures. The girls would squeal, their little legs carrying them up the beach, chased by the ever-diminishing tide.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"They indulge me, and there we are, diving under the waves - me and my girls, letting the ocean do what it does best, washing away worries, holding us, allowing us to relax into its rhythm.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"They indulge me, and there we are, diving under the waves - me and my girls, letting the ocean do what it does best, washing away worries, holding us, allowing us to relax into its rhythm.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I come up from under a wave and I feel it now - the rip current - a channel of fast-moving water pulling us out from shore. Bear and Poppy have been pulled away from me, and they're trying to swim back. I can see them, struggling, being pulled further away from safety. So I shout at them, not to panic, to just keep swimming sideways. The worst thing you can do is try to get into the shore - you'll always lose that battle, so you need to keep calm, conserve your energy, keep breathing. I see them go under, bob up, and I can't believe I missed the danger signs, and I wonder how this happened, so fast, and I keep yelling, \"Don't panic!\" But it's clear that this is very, very dangerous.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I come up from under a wave and I feel it now - the rip current - a channel of fast-moving water pulling us out from shore. Bear and Poppy have been pulled away from me, and they're trying to swim back. I can see them, struggling, being pulled further away from safety. So I shout at them, not to panic, to just keep swimming sideways. The worst thing you can do is try to get into the shore - you'll always lose that battle, so you need to keep calm, conserve your energy, keep breathing. I see them go under, bob up, and I can't believe I missed the danger signs, and I wonder how this happened, so fast, and I keep yelling, \"Don't panic!\" But it's clear that this is very, very dangerous.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Poppy, the youngest, is nearest to me, and she makes it into my arms. Bear keeps paddling, but the current keeps pushing her away. There she goes again, under, and up, and under, and I signal to her to keep her hand up in the air, and a wave pushes Poppy and me towards the jagged rocks. And it seems that we could be safe here - if we could scramble up, we'd be all right, but we're pummelled, over and over, beaten against the rocks. I try to put my body between Poppy and the sharp edges, try to lift her over my head and on to the rock shelf, but I'm not strong enough, and Bear has disappeared from view.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Poppy, the youngest, is nearest to me, and she makes it into my arms. Bear keeps paddling, but the current keeps pushing her away. There she goes again, under, and up, and under, and I signal to her to keep her hand up in the air, and a wave pushes Poppy and me towards the jagged rocks. And it seems that we could be safe here - if we could scramble up, we'd be all right, but we're pummelled, over and over, beaten against the rocks. I try to put my body between Poppy and the sharp edges, try to lift her over my head and on to the rock shelf, but I'm not strong enough, and Bear has disappeared from view.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"A voice. \"I got you, let's get in. Just hold on.\"","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"A voice. \"I got you, let's get in. Just hold on.\"","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I say, \"But my girl, my other girl, she's...\"","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I say, \"But my girl, my other girl, she's...\"","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"But he keeps his focus. He swims through the water, us clinging on, gets us on to the sand.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"But he keeps his focus. He swims through the water, us clinging on, gets us on to the sand.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"And there she is, there's Bear, spluttering and shivering, and the three of us sit, panting, crying, relieved.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"And there she is, there's Bear, spluttering and shivering, and the three of us sit, panting, crying, relieved.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I thank the guy who saved us, and he shrugs, embarrassed by my gratitude. I take the girls back to our rented apartment, for our last night before the drive back home. And despite the terrible stove and the banged-up pots, I cook a meal, and we eat together. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I thank the guy who saved us, and he shrugs, embarrassed by my gratitude. I take the girls back to our rented apartment, for our last night before the drive back home. And despite the terrible stove and the banged-up pots, I cook a meal, and we eat together. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":false,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/116C9/production/_116196317_pasta-copy-v2.jpg 976w","height":549,"width":976,"alt":"Three bowls of pasta","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"We're enjoying sitting together, talking. Poppy is retelling the story of what she's calling our near-death experience. She has a keen sense of drama, and re-enacts the whole thing for us, with spluttering and hand-waving, as her sister, so very cool, rolls her eyes. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"We're enjoying sitting together, talking. Poppy is retelling the story of what she's calling our near-death experience. She has a keen sense of drama, and re-enacts the whole thing for us, with spluttering and hand-waving, as her sister, so very cool, rolls her eyes. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"It feels that this simple meal, the three of us eating together, is something special, something new. It's something about survival, I guess.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"It feels that this simple meal, the three of us eating together, is something special, something new. It's something about survival, I guess.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I haven't cooked them dinner in such a long time. This year, the first one after their father died, they have also lost their mother. Bits of their mother, anyway.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I haven't cooked them dinner in such a long time. This year, the first one after their father died, they have also lost their mother. Bits of their mother, anyway.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"When Russell was diagnosed with lung cancer we said we'd keep the girls' lives as normal as possible. It was a crazy idea really - there's nothing normal about cancer, nothing at all. Watching your father get sicker, thinner, more reliant on morphine to relieve the pain is not normal. Watching your mother trying to hold it together, trying not to cry in front of you, saying something cheerful as she hands your father his afternoon dose of morphine, is not normal either.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"When Russell was diagnosed with lung cancer we said we'd keep the girls' lives as normal as possible. It was a crazy idea really - there's nothing normal about cancer, nothing at all. Watching your father get sicker, thinner, more reliant on morphine to relieve the pain is not normal. Watching your mother trying to hold it together, trying not to cry in front of you, saying something cheerful as she hands your father his afternoon dose of morphine, is not normal either.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"He died in February, on a hot, muggy Sydney day, nine months after he was diagnosed. Sitting by your father's side, watching him die, as your mother screams, as the world seems to fade to black - that's not normal.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"He died in February, on a hot, muggy Sydney day, nine months after he was diagnosed. Sitting by your father's side, watching him die, as your mother screams, as the world seems to fade to black - that's not normal.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"In that first year after his death, I was so wounded, and it was the girls who felt it. They looked to me to make it better. In that first year, there were so many things I didn't know how to do. I had to learn how to pay all the bills for the electricity and the gas because they'd always been in his name. I had to work out how to get the house clean and tidy without his help. In the first winter after he died, I didn't even know how to get the heating working - Russell had a special trick for getting the pilot light on, so we lived for weeks, cold and miserable. Mostly, I didn't know how to hold them, how to make them feel better.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"In that first year after his death, I was so wounded, and it was the girls who felt it. They looked to me to make it better. In that first year, there were so many things I didn't know how to do. I had to learn how to pay all the bills for the electricity and the gas because they'd always been in his name. I had to work out how to get the house clean and tidy without his help. In the first winter after he died, I didn't even know how to get the heating working - Russell had a special trick for getting the pilot light on, so we lived for weeks, cold and miserable. Mostly, I didn't know how to hold them, how to make them feel better.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I haven't made them a proper meal for so long because, in all the grief, I forgot how. So a bowl of pasta, slightly overcooked, with a sauce that is really not my best, felt like a feast. It felt like a first step. Just a few days after the first anniversary of Russell's death, we started to re-enter the world.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I haven't made them a proper meal for so long because, in all the grief, I forgot how. So a bowl of pasta, slightly overcooked, with a sauce that is really not my best, felt like a feast. It felt like a first step. Just a few days after the first anniversary of Russell's death, we started to re-enter the world.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":false,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 976w","height":23,"width":624,"alt":"Short presentational grey line","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"crosshead","text":"Find out more"},{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":false,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/141DE/production/_116089328__bbcws_goodbyetoallthis_brandimagewithtitlecopy.jpg 976w","height":549,"width":976,"alt":"Goodbye To All This title image","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Losing the thing you are most sure of and coming out the other side.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Losing the thing you are most sure of and coming out the other side.","attributes":["italic"]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Listen to Goodbye To All This, a 12-part podcast by Sophie Townsend, from the BBC World Service","blocks":[{"type":"urlLink","model":{"text":"Listen to Goodbye To All This, a 12-part podcast by Sophie Townsend, from the BBC World Service","locator":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p08t2vn3","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Listen to Goodbye To All This, a 12-part podcast by Sophie Townsend, from the BBC World Service","attributes":[]}}]}}]}}]}},{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":false,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/72FB/production/_112953492__90021446_test_grey_line_new-nc.png 976w","height":23,"width":624,"alt":"Short presentational grey line","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Re-entry is not smooth. There are plenty of good days, but bad ones too. They argue with each other, each of them argues with me. There's still a lot of silence in the house, not quite enough laughter. I wake up crying sometimes, and there are times I look at my girls, and that sadness in their eyes is more than I can stand. But in the winter after the first anniversary, I manage to get the heating working, and we have a system now for dinner - I cook most nights, but I'm teaching them a few simple meals, and we sit together, and eat, and talk about our day, and we try to feel OK that there's three of us, not four.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Re-entry is not smooth. There are plenty of good days, but bad ones too. They argue with each other, each of them argues with me. There's still a lot of silence in the house, not quite enough laughter. I wake up crying sometimes, and there are times I look at my girls, and that sadness in their eyes is more than I can stand. But in the winter after the first anniversary, I manage to get the heating working, and we have a system now for dinner - I cook most nights, but I'm teaching them a few simple meals, and we sit together, and eat, and talk about our day, and we try to feel OK that there's three of us, not four.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"The night before Poppy turns 11, a few months after the second anniversary of her dad's death, I have it together enough to make cupcakes for her to take in for her class. It's a triumph; a symbol that life is on an even(ish) keel. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"The night before Poppy turns 11, a few months after the second anniversary of her dad's death, I have it together enough to make cupcakes for her to take in for her class. It's a triumph; a symbol that life is on an even(ish) keel. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"In the morning, we walk into the school, through the gate and into the playground, carefully carrying the tray of cakes. She says goodbye to me hurriedly, doesn't want me to linger, because it's her birthday and she wants to be with her friends, to share cake and tell them about her presents. I watch her walk into her class, the other kids gathering round her and her bounty, and I get that stab of loneliness that I've been getting so often lately. It happens at the oddest times, like at school drop-off, or when Bear says she's busy with her friends and can't come to the movies with me. Bear's 13 now, in her second year of high school. She barely comes out of her room these days.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"In the morning, we walk into the school, through the gate and into the playground, carefully carrying the tray of cakes. She says goodbye to me hurriedly, doesn't want me to linger, because it's her birthday and she wants to be with her friends, to share cake and tell them about her presents. I watch her walk into her class, the other kids gathering round her and her bounty, and I get that stab of loneliness that I've been getting so often lately. It happens at the oddest times, like at school drop-off, or when Bear says she's busy with her friends and can't come to the movies with me. Bear's 13 now, in her second year of high school. She barely comes out of her room these days.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I love the girls desperately, but as they grow up, they keep moving away from me. I want something else, someone else. I want someone to ask about my day, hold me at night. I'm scared of doing anything about it, but I'm also scared not to, because this loneliness keeps getting worse. I am persuaded to try internet dating, and I don't take to it. I complain to a friend that one of the men matched with me says he's passionate about tropical fish. She asks why on Earth that's a problem - surely it's impossible to dislike someone just because they like tropical fish? ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I love the girls desperately, but as they grow up, they keep moving away from me. I want something else, someone else. I want someone to ask about my day, hold me at night. I'm scared of doing anything about it, but I'm also scared not to, because this loneliness keeps getting worse. I am persuaded to try internet dating, and I don't take to it. I complain to a friend that one of the men matched with me says he's passionate about tropical fish. She asks why on Earth that's a problem - surely it's impossible to dislike someone just because they like tropical fish? ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"\"It's the being passionate,\" I tell her. \"Like it's world peace or something.\" She frowns at me, and when I tell her that no-one in the world of online dating uses inverted commas correctly, she takes me to a bar.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"\"It's the being passionate,\" I tell her. \"Like it's world peace or something.\" She frowns at me, and when I tell her that no-one in the world of online dating uses inverted commas correctly, she takes me to a bar.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":false,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/DE96/production/_116328965_inthebarv3.jpg 976w","height":549,"width":976,"alt":"Cocktail glasses stand on a bar","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I meet someone, and I like the way he smiles. In the crush of people and the noise of the band, a smile, a joke, something warm and natural without the involvement of fish or misplaced apostrophes, hits me hard. We talk and laugh and the loneliness has gone, for now. It feels like enough, because really, I want so little, need this so much, that I'll take what I can get. And take it I do - way too much, way too fast.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I meet someone, and I like the way he smiles. In the crush of people and the noise of the band, a smile, a joke, something warm and natural without the involvement of fish or misplaced apostrophes, hits me hard. We talk and laugh and the loneliness has gone, for now. It feels like enough, because really, I want so little, need this so much, that I'll take what I can get. And take it I do - way too much, way too fast.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"After a few weeks, I begin to imagine the girls meeting him. They'll love him, I know it. He'll love them. He tells me he's worried about meeting them too soon, wants to wait. But I'm sure it will be all right. I want him to know them, for them to know him, because I think he'll make them happy. He makes me happy, I think, so why wait?","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"After a few weeks, I begin to imagine the girls meeting him. They'll love him, I know it. He'll love them. He tells me he's worried about meeting them too soon, wants to wait. But I'm sure it will be all right. I want him to know them, for them to know him, because I think he'll make them happy. He makes me happy, I think, so why wait?","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"I tell him I love him. And he winces. It's way too much, way too fast.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"I tell him I love him. And he winces. It's way too much, way too fast.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"And I'm alone again, and it feels like pressing on a bruise - that pain you have that's just vague enough not to worry about too much, until you apply pressure, and for that moment, the pain gets so sharp, and so real, it takes your breath away. That's what it's like, in the wake of the first failed love affair, in the absence of someone to love me, in the absence of Russell.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"And I'm alone again, and it feels like pressing on a bruise - that pain you have that's just vague enough not to worry about too much, until you apply pressure, and for that moment, the pain gets so sharp, and so real, it takes your breath away. That's what it's like, in the wake of the first failed love affair, in the absence of someone to love me, in the absence of Russell.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"image","model":{"emphasiseImage":false,"media":{"__typename":"ComponentsImage","src":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg","originalSrc":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://c.files.bbci.co.uk/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg","srcSet":"https://web.archive.org/web/20210105093329/https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/240/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 240w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/320/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 320w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/480/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 480w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/624/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 624w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/800/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 800w, https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/news/976/cpsprodpb/17AD6/production/_116328969_familydogwalk_v2.jpg 976w","height":549,"width":976,"alt":"Mother and girls walking dog","loading":"lazy"}}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"As you move on from death, and from that intense grief and shock, the way you feel doesn't get better in a measurable, straightforward trajectory. It has got better, mostly. The friends and family that kept me together and sane still keep me together and sane. I'm better at seeing my girls move through the world, increasingly without my help - they're young women now, after-all - Bear is 20, Poppy 17. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"As you move on from death, and from that intense grief and shock, the way you feel doesn't get better in a measurable, straightforward trajectory. It has got better, mostly. The friends and family that kept me together and sane still keep me together and sane. I'm better at seeing my girls move through the world, increasingly without my help - they're young women now, after-all - Bear is 20, Poppy 17. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"Then I hear his favourite song on the radio in a boutique, while I'm trying on a pair of jeans, and I can't move. The sales assistant knocks on the door to see how I'm going and I can't speak. Another day, quite out of nowhere, I remember the way he looked in a crisp white shirt and I fall apart. There are nights when I'm putting out the garbage and I'm furious that he's not here to help.","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"Then I hear his favourite song on the radio in a boutique, while I'm trying on a pair of jeans, and I can't move. The sales assistant knocks on the door to see how I'm going and I can't speak. Another day, quite out of nowhere, I remember the way he looked in a crisp white shirt and I fall apart. There are nights when I'm putting out the garbage and I'm furious that he's not here to help.","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"But there are moments when I think about a joke he once told, and it makes me laugh. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"But there are moments when I think about a joke he once told, and it makes me laugh. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"His ashes are still in the ugly plastic container from the crematorium. He would have hated me spending lots of money on a nice urn, and I don't know where we'd scatter them - everywhere feels too far away. I had thought of scattering them in our garden, but just as I'd made up my mind to do it, the back wall came down in a storm, and after the clean-up and rebuild, it all felt too hard. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"His ashes are still in the ugly plastic container from the crematorium. He would have hated me spending lots of money on a nice urn, and I don't know where we'd scatter them - everywhere feels too far away. I had thought of scattering them in our garden, but just as I'd made up my mind to do it, the back wall came down in a storm, and after the clean-up and rebuild, it all felt too hard. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"People ask me if I'm OK being single, but I don't feel very single at all. I have the girls, my dog, my family and friends. I'm dug into the place where I live, and I walk in the park and to coffee with neighbours, and it's OK. It's more than OK. Sometimes I dream he's alive and I wake up, shocked not to find him there. But then I remember. I remember going to specialists, getting the news. I remember the way his skin got so pale, the way he got so thin. I remember the breath he took, the last one, so guttural and strange. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"People ask me if I'm OK being single, but I don't feel very single at all. I have the girls, my dog, my family and friends. I'm dug into the place where I live, and I walk in the park and to coffee with neighbours, and it's OK. It's more than OK. Sometimes I dream he's alive and I wake up, shocked not to find him there. But then I remember. I remember going to specialists, getting the news. I remember the way his skin got so pale, the way he got so thin. I remember the breath he took, the last one, so guttural and strange. ","attributes":[]}}]}}]}},{"type":"text","model":{"blocks":[{"type":"paragraph","model":{"text":"But I remember the good things too. There's an awful lot of good things to remember, and a lot to look forward to, and in between, I'm OK. ","blocks":[{"type":"fragment","model":{"text":"But I remember the good things too. There's an awful lot of good things to remember, and a lot to look forward to, and in between, I'm OK. 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