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window.sfg_oas_disp_x88 != "undefined" && sfg_oas_disp_x88) { OAS_RICH('x88'); } //]]> </script></div>  </div>    <div class="contentbody" id="sfg_article"> <table class="article"><tr class="article"><td id="contentcol"> <div id="divider"></div> <div class="articleheadings"> <div class="headlines"><h1>Celebrating the single-minded life</h1> </div> <p class="byline">Beth Hughes, Special to The Chronicle</p> <p class="date">Sunday, September 21, 2008</p> </div>  <div class="tools tools_top"> <div class="hr"><hr/></div> <table> <tr> <td class="print"><a onmouseover="document.getElementById('printlink').style.textDecoration='underline';" onmouseout="document.getElementById('printlink').style.textDecoration='none';" href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&type=printable"><img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/graphics/article/tools/print.gif" alt=""/></a><a id="printlink" 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<span class="isdefault">(default)</span></span></div> <div class="choice"><input type="radio" id="font_radio_verdana" name="font_radio" value="2" onclick="sfgate_chfont('verdana');"/> <span class="verdana">Verdana</span></div> <div class="choice"><input type="radio" id="font_radio_times" name="font_radio" value="3" onclick="sfgate_chfont('times');"/> <span class="times">Times New Roman</span></div> <div class="choice"><input type="radio" id="font_radio_arial" name="font_radio" value="4" onclick="sfgate_chfont('arial');"/> <span class="arial">Arial</span></div> </form> </div> </div><a onmouseover="this.style.cursor='pointer'; document.getElementById('fontlink').style.textDecoration='underline';" onmouseout="document.getElementById('fontlink').style.textDecoration='none';" onclick="document.getElementById('fontpopbox').style.display='block'; document.getElementById('fontpopmask').style.display='block';"><img 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src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/graphics/article/tools/plus.gif" alt=""/></a></td>  <td class="sponsor"> <div class="ad"><script type="text/javascript"> //<![CDATA[ if (typeof window.sfg_oas_disp_x90 != "undefined" && sfg_oas_disp_x90) { OAS_RICH('x90'); } //]]> </script></div>  </td>  </tr> </table> <div class="hr"><hr/></div> </div>  <div id="articlecontent"> <div id="bodytext_top" class="bodytext bodytext_top"><div id="fontprefs_top" class="georgia md"><p>There are 92 million unmarried Americans, and this is their week. </p> <p>Since the 1980s, the third full week of September has been National Singles Week. Started by Ohio's Buckeye Singles Council as a way to recognize the role singles play in society, it is now known as National Unmarried and Single Americans Week. According to the U.S. census, the adjusted name acknowledges that many unmarried Americans do not identify with the word "single" because they have partners or are widowed.</p> </div></div> <div id="articlebox"> <div class="hr"><hr/></div>   <div class="sfg_art001"> <h2>Images</h2><a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&o=0" target=""><img class="solo-thumb" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/c/pictures/2008/09/18/lv-singles21_ph_0499164542_part1.jpg" alt=""/></a> <a class="view" href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/article?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&o=0" target=""><img class="plus" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/graphics/utils/plus-green.gif"/> View Larger Image</a> </div> <div class="hr"><hr/></div> </div> <div id="bodytext_bottom" class="bodytext bodytext_bottom"><div id="fontprefs_bottom" class="georgia md"><p>Many of them are also rejecting the stereotyped notion that they're living in hope of the perfect spouse appearing, a Disneylike vision in a reality-show world. They're creating a grassroots effort to obtain equal rights in health care access, taxation and other areas while demanding that they be seen as living their lives in full.</p> <p>One of them is Rachel Buddeberg, a San Francisco risk consultant and bank analyst. The mother of a 17-year-old son, she was married from 1988 to 1992. After a few relationships that caused more pain than joy, she chose to be single and to blog about her marital status. "It doesn't say anything about me, my personality or my worth other than that I'm single."</p> <p>She laughs at the idea that she's unhappy or incomplete or immature because of her marital status. "I don't think so." </p> <p>"The stereotype is that single people are miserable, lonely, self-centered," says Bella DePaulo, a UC Santa Barbara psychology professor, Huffington Post blogger and author of "Singled Out: How Singles are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After" (St. Martin's Press, 2006). "If only they would marry, they'd be magically transformed into healthy, happy people." </p> <h3 style="subhead" class="subhead">Maintaining ties</h3> <p>Research suggests otherwise, said DePaulo. The findings reveal that single people are more likely to maintain community and intergenerational ties. Couples with or without children are absorbed in their own world, according to DePaulo, who says, "Single people are the glue."</p> <p>Her research finds that most single people are happy. She points out that studies saying marriage makes people healthier or happier or longer-lived, only interview people who are married. Those who aren't have already fled the institution and aren't included in the surveys. </p> <p>Yet the notion of marriage as being better than unmarried persists.</p> <p>"There's a very heavy focus on marriage as a public-policy matter," said Nancy Polikoff, a professor of law at American University's Washington College of Law in Washington, D.C. "You have it in the Bush administration's policies that spend three-quarters of a billion dollars to promote marriage, and a really widespread campaign to convince the country that the decline of lifelong heterosexual marriage is responsible for all our social problems." </p> <p>The author of "Beyond Straight and Gay Marriage," she says there's a need to define family in a more expansive way, so that close family-like relationships are also defined by affinity or blood, not just by marriage. </p> <p>Such a change would allow people to take family or medical leave or paid sick days to care for family members "however they define them," she says.</p> <h3 style="subhead" class="subhead">Broader definition of family</h3> <p>Nicky Grist, executive director of the decade-old New York nonprofit Alternatives to Marriage, says a broader definition of family than "the floor" currently used by the federal Family and Medical Leave Act "would make for a more just system, not a more abused system."</p> <p>Unmarried.org, as her group appears on the Web, is most concerned with health insurance access. The United States is "the only country that relies on marital status for access to health care," says Grist, who became involved with singles rights when she wanted health insurance without having to marry her partner, who offered to put her on his employer-based policy as she changed careers. "Everybody knows somebody who's gotten married for health insurance." </p> <p>DePaulo has calculated that there are 1,138 federal provisions "in which marital status is a factor in receiving benefits, rights or privileges. That's an astounding number of ways that marriage is the pass code to an elite club." </p> <p>Grist, Polikoff and DePaulo agree that the same-sex movement created widespread awareness of the benefits and privileges tied to marriage. But letting more people get married is not the answer, they say. "As a matter of equality, I think it is still unjust to make marriage the dividing line," said Polikoff.</p> <h3 style="subhead" class="subhead">Unmarried longer</h3> <p>DePaulo pointed out that Americans now spend more years of their adult life unmarried than married, in part because of sweeping changes that give women economic independence and both sexes the ability to have sex without procreating or to become single parents without sex. The result is "there are more households consisting of one person living solo than households consisting of Mom, Dad and kids, " DePaulo said. </p> <p>Unmarried households comprise a majority of households in 23 states, plus the District of Columbia, according to Lake Partners Research and Women's Voices, Women Vote. California, New York and Alaska are among the states. In the 2004 presidential election, it was easier to predict who you voted for based on your marital status than your gender, DePaulo said. </p> <p>Like other advocates for the rights of single and unmarried people, she would like the political candidates to pay more attention to them in the current election. It wouldn't take much, DePaulo pointed out, just some editing to change references from "middle-class families" to "the middle class."</p> <div class="infobox"><h3 style="infobox">Single files </h3><p>Bella DePaulo, author of "Singled Out," has compiled some stereotypes and myths about singles and policies affecting them. Here's her top 10 list.</p> <p><strong>1. The wonder of couples: </strong>Marrieds know best.</p> <p><strong>2. Single-minded: </strong>You are interested in just one thing - getting coupled.</p> <p><strong>3. Unhappy: </strong>You are miserable and lonely and your life is tragic.</p> <p><strong>4. Selfish: </strong>Like a child, you are self-centered and immature and your time isn't worth anything because you have nothing to do but play.</p> <p><strong>5. Single women: </strong>Your work won't love you back and your eggs will dry up. Also, you don't get any and you're promiscuous.</p> <p><strong>6. Single men: </strong>You are horny, slovenly and irresponsible, and you are the scary criminals. Or you are sexy, fastidious, frivolous and gay.</p> <p><strong>7. Single parents: </strong>Your kids are doomed.</p> <p><strong>8. Incomplete: </strong>You don't have anyone and you don't have a life.</p> <p><strong>9. Pitiful: </strong>You will grow old alone and you will die in a room by yourself where no one will find you for weeks.</p> <p><strong>10. Undervalued: </strong>Let's give all of the perks, benefits, gifts and cash to couples and call it family values.</p> </div> <p class="dtlcomment">E-mail Beth Hughes at <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/mailto:bhughes@sfchronicle.com">bhughes@sfchronicle.com</a>.</p> <p id="pageno">This article appeared on page <strong>F - 1</strong> of the San Francisco Chronicle</p> </div></div> <script type="text/javascript" language="javascript"> sfgate_get_fprefs(); </script> </div> <div class="tools tools_bot"> <div class="hr"><hr/></div> <table> <tr> <td class="print"><a onmouseover="document.getElementById('printlink').style.textDecoration='underline';" onmouseout="document.getElementById('printlink').style.textDecoration='none';" href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&type=printable"><img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/graphics/article/tools/print.gif" alt=""/></a><a id="printlink" href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&type=printable" onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline';" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none';">Print</a></td> <td class="email"><a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&type=friend&emailcolor=%2308B7FE&origin=http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi%3Ff%3D%2Fc%2Fa%2F2008%2F09%2F21%2FLVAN130G93.DTL" onmouseover="document.getElementById('emaillink').style.textDecoration='underline';" onmouseout="document.getElementById('emaillink').style.textDecoration='none';"><img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/graphics/article/tools/mail.gif" alt=""/></a><a id="emaillink" href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/21/LVAN130G93.DTL&type=friend&emailcolor=%2308B7FE&origin=http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi%3Ff%3D%2Fc%2Fa%2F2008%2F09%2F21%2FLVAN130G93.DTL" onmouseover="this.style.textDecoration='underline';" onmouseout="this.style.textDecoration='none';">E-mail</a></td> <td class="share"><div id="sharepop2mask" onmouseover="document.getElementById('sharepop2box').style.display='none'; 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Asian Pop. </div></div> <div class="item" id="sfg_edi011_inside_sfgate7" style="display:none"> <a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/23/BAI2133B2K.DTL"><img class="thumb" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/c/pictures/2008/09/22_t/ba-sfinsider23_p_0422365954_t.gif"></a> <div class="desc"> <a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/23/BAI2133B2K.DTL">Prison Time</a> S.F. community organizer Julie Lee sentenced to a year and a day. </div></div> <div class="item" id="sfg_edi011_inside_sfgate8" style="display:none"> <a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/23/BARP132SR3.DTL"><img class="thumb" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/c/pictures/2008/09/22_t/ba-steinberg23_p_422012806_t.gif"></a> <div class="desc"> <a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/23/BARP132SR3.DTL">Visionary Of Chocolate Dies</a> Dr. Robert Steinberg of Scharffen Berger was 61. </div></div> <div class="item" id="sfg_edi011_inside_sfgate9" style="display:none"> <a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/23/DD9I131DPI.DTL"><img class="thumb" src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/c/pictures/2008/09/23_t/dd-kitundu23_ph_0422661562_t.gif"></a> <div class="desc"> <a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/09/23/DD9I131DPI.DTL">$500K For 'Genius'</a> S.F. sound artist, instrument builder wins a MacArthur. </div></div> </div> <form action="javascript:void();"> <input type="hidden" id="sfg_edi011_inside_sfgate_idi" value="1"/> <input type="hidden" id="sfg_edi011_inside_sfgate_pi" value="False"/> </form> <script type="text/javascript"> //<![CDATA[ new sfgrot(9,3,'sfg_edi011_inside_sfgate',0,3); 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class="leftcol"> <div id="adjacency"> <div id="tophomes" class="listgroup"> <h3><a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/homes/" target="new"><img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/templates/types/tophomes/graphics/header-tophomes.gif" alt="San Francisco Chronicle Real Estate" title="Go to the San Francisco Chronicle Real Estate section" border="0"/></a></h3> <p class="intro">From<br/><strong>Zephyr Real Estate</strong></p> <div class="firstitem"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347413&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Twin Peaks, Diamond Heights, Noe Valley</a></h4> <p class="description">1 BR / 1 BA</p><p class="price">$589,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347447&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Parkside, Forest Hill</a></h4> <p class="description">4 BR / 3.5 BA</p><p class="price">$1,095,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347453&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Excelsior, Ingleside, Westwood Park, St. Mar麓s Park</a></h4> <p class="description">2 BR / 1 BA</p><p class="price">$379,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347454&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Central Waterfront, Portero Hill, China Basin, SOMA</a></h4> <p class="description">1 BR / 1 BA</p><p class="price">$590,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347455&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Presidio Heights, Laurel Heights, Jordan Park</a></h4> <p class="description">1 BR / 1 BA</p><p class="price">$649,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347459&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Central Waterfront, Portero Hill, China Basin, SOMA</a></h4> <p class="description">2 BR / 2 BA</p><p class="price">$839,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347477&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Haight-Ashbury, North Panhandle</a></h4> <p class="description">2 BR / 1 BA</p><p class="price">$619,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347481&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Union Square / Embarcadero</a></h4> <p class="description">1 BR / 1 BA</p><p class="price">$599,000</p> </div> <div class="item"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347482&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Twin Peaks, Diamond Heights, Noe Valley</a></h4> <p class="description">2 BR / 2 BA</p><p class="price">$729,000</p> </div> <div class="lastitem"> <h4><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/Listing.asp?lid=219-347483&source=tophomes" target="listing" title="view details for this property">Noe Valley, Castro, Dolores Heights, Clarendon Heights</a></h4> <p class="description">2 BR / 2 BA</p><p class="price">$799,500</p> </div> <div class="logo"><p class="more"><a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302/http://realestate.sfgate.com/RealEstate/Sales/SearchResults.asp?RoS=S&CID=219&CountyIds=10,15,11,16,12,17,13,18,14&RegionIds=10,15,11,16,12,17,13,18,14" target="listing">See more from this broker</a></p> <p><img src="https://web.archive.org/web/20080925035302im_/http://imgs.sfgate.com/templates/types/tophomes/graphics/219.gif" alt="Zephyr Real Estate" title="Go to Zephyr Real Estate" border="0"/></p> </div> <ul class="simplemenu"> <li><a href="/web/20080925035302/http://www.sfgate.com/templates/types/adjacency/about/about_tophomes.html" target="about" onclick="window.open('','about','directories=no,height=500,width=500,location=no,resizable=yes,scrollbars=yes,screenx=15,screeny=15,toolbar=no,opener=orig')">About Top Homes</a></li> </ul> </div> </div>  </td> <td><div id="adpos2"> <div class="sky">  <div class="ad"><script 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