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-30px}}.pba-foot[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3840075257]{font-size:14px;color:#6e6f70;margin-top:5px}</style><meta name="title" content="What is something 🙏 you are thankful for? Big or Small? - Mental health"><meta name="robots" content="index,follow"><meta name="description" content="This community is all about asking for help & sharing trials & tribulations. How about posting something you are thankful for? Big or small."><meta name="author" content="T_Allen"><meta name="publish date" content="2024-11-18T22:37:32Z"><meta name="article:published_time" content="2024-11-18T22:37:32Z"><meta name="article:author" content="T_Allen"><meta property="fb:app_id" content="2690922271156375"><meta property="og:title" content="What is something 🙏 you are thankful for? Big or Small?"><meta property="og:description" content="This community is all about asking for help & sharing trials & tribulations. How about posting something you are thankful for? 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.mab-role.mab-role-leader[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285]{font-size:12px}.member-avatar-block.mab-ml[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285]{width:68px;height:68px}.member-avatar-block.mab-ml[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285] .mab-role[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285]{width:22px;height:22px;font-size:12px;right:-5px;bottom:-5px}.member-avatar-block.mab-ml[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285] .mab-role.mab-role-leader[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285]{font-size:14px}.member-avatar-block.mab-xs[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285]{width:27px;height:27px}.member-avatar-block.mab-xs[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285] .mab-role[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285]{width:18px;height:18px;font-size:8px;right:-5px;bottom:-5px}.member-avatar-block.mab-xs[_ngcontent-serverApp-c160424285] 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ng-app-id="serverApp">.bookmark-component-block[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{position:relative;z-index:0}.bcb-btn[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{display:flex;align-items:center;color:#6e6f70;-moz-column-gap:10px;column-gap:10px;font-size:14px;cursor:pointer;font-weight:500}.bcb-btn.active[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{color:#009dfc}@media (max-width: 767px){.bcb-text[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{display:none}}.bcb-tooltip[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{border:1px solid #005cc9;border-radius:10px;color:#001a72;text-align:center;padding:10px 16px;line-height:1.2;background:#e5f5ff;font-size:12px;width:160px;position:absolute;z-index:1;top:100%;right:0;left:auto;visibility:hidden;opacity:0;transform:translateY(20px);transition:all .1s ease-in-out .5s}.bcb-tooltip.active[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{visibility:visible;opacity:1;transform:translateY(10px)}@media (min-width: 992px){.bcb-tooltip[_ngcontent-serverApp-c3349184846]{transform:translate(-50%) 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type="application/ld+json">{"@context":"http://schema.org/","@type":"DiscussionForumPosting","@id":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/","discussionUrl":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/","mainEntityOfPage":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/","url":"https://www.inspire.com/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/","accessMode":"auditory, tactile, textual, visual, textOnVisual","datePublished":"2024-11-18T22:37:32Z","dateModified":null,"headline":"What is something 🙏 you are thankful for? Big or Small?","articleBody":"<p>This community is all about asking for help & sharing trials & tribulations. </p><p>How about posting something you are thankful for? Big or small.</p>","author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"T_Allen","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"},"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":2},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"publisher":{"@type":"Organization","@id":"kg:/g/11g7zdf6gx","name":"Inspire","url":"https://www.inspire.com","naics":"519130","additionalType":["https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Online_health_communities%22","%22https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q210980"],"logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","url":"https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/p/AF1QipMwBXZHE-6QKo7bBWUG2BmvCNNBDQejirerHnP3=w1808-h768-k-no"}},"publishingPrinciples":"https://www.inspire.com/about/guidelines/","commentCount":11,"audience":{"@type":"Patient","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"},"comment":[{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-18T22:39:53Z","text":"<p>For me, one small thing is that the trash truck rolls down the other side of the street first. </p><p>That gives me like 7-10 minutes to hurry up & gather stuff to get to the curb </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"T_Allen","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-19T00:58:57Z","text":"<p>The will to be observant but not engaged, the strength to quietly endure but not draw attention, to still pursue better living conditions and better myself and not give in, to see through false narratives with discernment, to know some of us are very much alike and that good people do exist and suffer, to give thanks to God for knowing HIM, and to continue to acknowledge my strange insights to many interplaying subjects and know what I am up against in life. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Zusuis","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-19T08:40:01Z","text":"<p>I'm thankful for this thread. It serves as a reminder. So it is useful. Because I get to read other users thankfulnesses. Thank you</p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":2}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"umpedromonteiro","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-20T02:47:07Z","text":"<p>My home</p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":2},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":2}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"gina83marie","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-20T03:25:15Z","text":"<p>I am thankful for my life, and my family, grateful to God for all he does for everyone. Oh, and my Dog Max🙏❤️</p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":3}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"HummptyDummpty","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-20T03:28:55Z","text":"<p>🤣🤣sounds like a winner</p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":2}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"HummptyDummpty","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-20T04:15:15Z","text":"<p>Your biggest sense of home is your 'mind' and then your next or kin. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Zusuis","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-20T04:36:29Z","text":"<p>Yet so the best and least will experience LIFE. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Zusuis","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-20T04:40:38Z","text":"<p>A useful installation of a 'prompt'. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Zusuis","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-28T03:33:53Z","text":"<p>I’m thankful to have a bunch of supportive friends. </p><div>Due to some special and severe reasons, I have been “vanished” for months. Some of my friends almost called the police since they couldn’t find me. I had to “appear” and “announce” that I’m OK. </div><div>I will meet some of them tomorrow. I didn’t mean to keep them worried, but I’m still in the dark zone and don’t know how to talk to them. </div><div>Regardless, I’m lucky to have friends who really care about me other than my family.</div><div>🙏 </div>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":2}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"BlueSunflower","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}},{"@type":"Comment","datePublished":"2024-11-29T15:16:47Z","text":"<p>Thankful for trees. </p>","upvoteCount":3,"interactionStatistic":[{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/EndorseAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/AgreeAction","userInteractionCount":1},{"@type":"InteractionCounter","interactionType":"https://schema.org/LikeAction","userInteractionCount":1}],"author":{"@type":"Patient","name":"Lily2018","sameAs":"https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q181600"}}]}</script><style ng-app-id="serverApp">.rbw-bar[_ngcontent-serverApp-c467064033]{padding:18px 20px;border-radius:28px;background:#f8f9fb;border:1px solid #e2e5e4;color:#787878;font-size:14px}@media (max-width: 767px){.rbw-bar[_ngcontent-serverApp-c467064033]{padding:10px 15px;border-radius:16px}}.prb-body[_ngcontent-serverApp-c467064033]{background:#f8f9fb;border-left:5px solid #f8f9fb;padding:15px;border-radius:10px;font-size:18px;margin-top:10px}@media 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It can be small or b... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/Yorkiepoo999/avatar/s" alt="Yorkiepoo999"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> Yorkiepoo999 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 15 Comments - Posted Jul 23 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/to-make-a-short-story-long/"> To make a short story long... </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> My life has been a series of failures, and after 30 years of it I’m feeling like I’m about... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="JaxNova"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> JaxNova </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 13 Comments - Posted Aug 07 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/JustKati/journal/why-im-here-9/"> Why I'm here </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I'm a woman in her mid 40s. I was diagnosed with GAD, Panic and Situational Depression wh... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/JustKati/avatar/s" alt="JustKati"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> JustKati </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 3 Comments - Posted May 11 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/ConfusedandAlone/journal/my-background-part-5-grief/"> My Background, Part 5: Grief </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> My first journal post covers the most recent struggles I'm facing with my current Major De... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="ConfusedandAlone"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> ConfusedandAlone </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 0 Comments - Posted May 27 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/how-should-i-feel-about-familys-reaction-sexual-harassment-from-brother/"> How should I feel about family's reaction? Sexual harassment from brother. </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I feel like I have run out of any kind of benefit talking about this topic to my family. I... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="reptile_lvr"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> reptile_lvr </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 5 Comments - Posted Feb 06 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/Listening_Owl7/journal/my-story-zie7jk/"> My Story... </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> This is a brand new experience for me. I am taking a leap of faith and hoping this is more... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/Listening_Owl7/avatar/s" alt="Listening_Owl7"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> Listening_Owl7 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 2 Comments - Posted Apr 30 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/how-to-cope-with-sensory-overload-type-anxiety/"> How to cope with "Sensory Overload" type anxiety? </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I have Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I have had it most of my li... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="anonymous12223"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> anonymous12223 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 6 Comments - Posted Feb 08 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/Ogbuja/journal/family-and-children-with-autism-syndrome/"> FAMILY AND CHILDREN WITH AUTISM SYNDROME </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> What is Autism? Autism, also called autistic disorder, appears in early childhood, usua... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/Ogbuja/avatar/s" alt="Ogbuja"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> Ogbuja </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 0 Comments - Posted Oct 10 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/e5a4c2-where-i-put-it-lost-items/"> Where I Put It- lost items? </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> NoHOW ABOUT LOST POSTS?July 6 – Saturday – 06:00Sleep was not easy, I was awake close to 0... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/s" alt="T_Allen"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> T_Allen </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 2 Comments - Posted Aug 10 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/ConfusedandAlone/journal/resolving-my-transportation-dilemma/"> Resolving my Transportation Dilemma? </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> So I just got finished having a not so nice, long, hard, tearful heart-to-heart with my mo... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="ConfusedandAlone"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> ConfusedandAlone </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 0 Comments - Posted Aug 07 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/chantelr/journal/collecting-spoons/"> Collecting Spoons.. </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I want to collect spoons. I want to collect spoons from each and every single state! Scrat... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/chantelr/avatar/s" alt="chantelr"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> chantelr </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 8 Comments - Posted Apr 22 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/help-with-emotions-and-feelings/"> Help with emotions and feelings ???? </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I know I've had a problem for a very long time and it always has to do with my feelings es... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/Mari3456/avatar/s" alt="Mari3456"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> Mari3456 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 1 Comments - Posted May 21 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/what-do-i-do-i-guess/"> What do I do... I guess? </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> So this is my first time ever trying something like this... but at this point I’ve exhaust... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="Cyn502"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> Cyn502 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 1 Comments - Posted May 10 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/new-older-lady-help/"> New--older lady--help? </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I am just looking for someone who might know what I am going through. I'm older, history o... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="SadNConfused71"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> SadNConfused71 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 6 Comments - Posted Sep 07 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/wiz1115/journal/getting-my-feelings-out-there/"> Getting my feelings out there </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> I'm feeling very depressed and lonely, so I decided that I'll just post my problems here t... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/assets/images/you-small.png" alt="wiz1115"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> wiz1115 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 4 Comments - Posted Mar 12 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/GentleHuggiesAnnie/journal/friends-and-followers-of-twenz/"> Friends and Followers of tWenz (updated Thurs 8/22) </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> {{{{{ Hey, Y'all }}}}} I'm gonna leave the older news at the bottom and add new news to... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/GentleHuggiesAnnie/avatar/s" alt="GentleHuggiesAnnie"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> GentleHuggiesAnnie </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 41 Comments - Posted Aug 10 </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-item"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-content"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-title" href="/m/DrAliABYMuhammed/journal/the-dangers-of-artificial-sweeteners/"> The Dangers Of Artificial Sweeteners. </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-desc"> Few of us are really aware of how many new Splenda® products there are in the supermarkets... </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-author"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 routerlinkactive="router-link-active" class="rpw-avatar"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 loading="lazy" src="/api/member/DrAliABYMuhammed/avatar/s" alt="DrAliABYMuhammed"></figure><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-name"> DrAliABYMuhammed </div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="rpw-stamp"> 6 Comments - Posted Oct 08 </div></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="wp-foot"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2483577242 class="wp-link"> View more </a></div></section></ins-related-post></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 class="widget-box"><ins-community-topics _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 _nghost-serverapp-c1881580236><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="widget-pack community-topics-widget"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="wp-head"><h3 _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 id="community-topics-title" class="wp-title">Community topics</h3></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="wp-body"><ul _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-list"><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-0" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/lgbtq-health/">LGBTQ+ health</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-1" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/bipoc-health/">BIPOC health</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-2" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/addiction-and-co-occurring-disorders/">Addiction and co-occurring disorders</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-3" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/anxiety-and-phobias/">Anxiety and phobias</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-4" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/bipolar-disorder/">Bipolar disorder</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-5" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/childrens-mental-health/">Children's mental health</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-6" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/co-dependency/">Co-dependency</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-7" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/depression/">Depression</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-8" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/eating-disorders/">Eating disorders</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-9" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/grief-and-bereavement/">Grief and bereavement</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-10" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/">Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-11" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/personality-disorders/">Personality disorders</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-12" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/paranoia/">Paranoia</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-13" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/">Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-14" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/schizoaffective-disorder/">Schizoaffective disorder</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-15" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/schizophrenia/">Schizophrenia</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-16" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/dissociative-identity-disorder/">Dissociative Identity Disorder</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-17" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/self-injury/">Self-injury</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-18" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/suicide/">Suicide</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-19" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/wellness-and-overall-health/">Wellness and overall health</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-20" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/other-issues/">Other issues</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-21" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/access-to-treatment/">Access to treatment</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-22" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/family-and-caregivers/">Family and caregivers</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-23" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/teens-and-young-adults/">Teens and young adults</a></li><li _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-item"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="ctw-link" id="community-topic-24" href="/groups/mental-health-america/topic/coping-with-the-stigma-of-mental-illness/">Coping with the stigma of mental illness</a></li></ul></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1881580236 class="wp-foot"></div></section></ins-community-topics></div></aside><main _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 class="main-track"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 class="track-content"><ins-community-sponsors _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 class="no-print" _nghost-serverapp-c3603442569><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3603442569 class="community-bnr community-bnr-logo" style="background-color: false;"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c3603442569 fetchpriority="high" alt class="community-bnr-img" src="https://www.inspire.com/resources-design/groups/mental-health-america/canvas_image.jpg"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3603442569 id="banner-actions" class="community-bnr-actions"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3603442569 class="cbc-spacer"></div><ins-ellipsis-menu _ngcontent-serverapp-c3603442569 class="cbc-ellipsis" _nghost-serverapp-c2062330557><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 id="ellipsis-icon" class="ellipsis-more"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 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class="ch-desc"> Mental health support group and discussion community </p><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 class="ch-btn-group"><button _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 type="button" id="join_button" class="ch-action-btn" style="background: #005696;"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#community"/></svg></ins-svg-icon> Join Inspire </button><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 id="create-a-post-button" class="ch-create-actions"><button _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 id="post_button" class="bttn bttn-md bttn-navy ch-create"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 icontype="create" class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#create"/></svg></ins-svg-icon><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c2693255913 class="ch-c-label">Create post</span></button></div></div></div></ins-community-header><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243><article _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243><ins-post-details _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 id="post" _nghost-serverapp-c719915444 data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc" data-post-id="17736469657569512877"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="post-block" id="post-section"><h1 _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="pb-disc-title"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 href="/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/" id="post-title-link"> What is something 🙏 you are thankful for? Big or Small? </a></h1><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="pb-head"><ins-post-head _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 _nghost-serverapp-c3073719069><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3073719069 class="pb-profile"><ins-member-avatar _ngcontent-serverapp-c3073719069 class="pb-avatar" _nghost-serverapp-c160424285><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c160424285 id="post-avatar-link" class="member-avatar-container"><figure _ngcontent-serverapp-c160424285 id="post-avatar" class="member-avatar-block"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c160424285><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c160424285 loading="lazy" id="post-avatar-image" src="/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/m"></div></figure></div></ins-member-avatar><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3073719069 class="pb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c3073719069 class="pb-username" id="post-author-name-link"> T_Allen </a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3073719069 id="post-date" class="pb-stamp"> Nov 18, 2024 • 10:37 PM </div></div></div></ins-post-head><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="pb-ortho no-print"><app-bookmark _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 bookmarkwrapper _nghost-serverapp-c233444020><ins-bookmark _ngcontent-serverapp-c233444020 id="bookmark" _nghost-serverapp-c3349184846><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3349184846 class="bookmark-component-block"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c3349184846 class="bcb-btn"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c3349184846 class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#bookmark-o"/></svg></ins-svg-icon></a><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3349184846 class="bcb-tooltip">Sign in or join to bookmark</div></div></ins-bookmark></app-bookmark><ins-ellipsis-menu _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 _nghost-serverapp-c2062330557><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 id="ellipsis-icon" class="ellipsis-more"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 id="ellipses_menu_btn" class="em-btn"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c2062330557 icontype="more" class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#more"/></svg></ins-svg-icon></a></div></div></ins-ellipsis-menu></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="pb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor id="post-snippet" class="pb-desc"><p>This community is all about asking for help & sharing trials & tribulations. </p><p>How about posting something you are thankful for? Big or small.</p></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="pb-condition"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 id="community-link" class="pb-community" href="/groups/mental-health-america"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 loading="lazy" src="/resources-design/groups/mental-health-america/logo.png"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444>Mental Health America</span></a></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 id="post-footer-container" class="pb-foot no-print"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c719915444 class="pb-share"><app-share-post _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 modalid="discussion" _nghost-serverapp-c1631520143 id="share-post-disc-17736469657569512877"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1631520143 class="share-post-component"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1631520143 class="spc-action href-link"><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c1631520143 icontype="share" class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" 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_ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#check-o"/></svg></ins-svg-icon><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c1171685927 icontype="like-o" id="rrb-like" class="rrb-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#like-o"/></svg></ins-svg-icon></div></div></ins-show-reactions></app-view-reactions></div></section></ins-post-details></article><app-reply-list _ngcontent-serverapp-c268690243 _nghost-serverapp-c3335267229><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-start" class="reply-toolbar no-print"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="reply-control"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="reply-count">11 Replies</div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="filter-container"><ins-sleek-dropdown _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c2592507439 class><label _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 class="ins-sleek-label"></label><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 class="ins-sleek-dropdown"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 class="ins-sleek-control"><select _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 class="ins-sleek-input" id><option _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 value="Asc"> Oldest first </option><option _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 value="Desc"> Newest first </option></select><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 class="ins-sleek-selected-label"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439>Oldest first</span><ins-svg-icon _ngcontent-serverapp-c2592507439 icontype="arrow-down" class="svg-icon" _nghost-serverapp-c33518352><svg _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" fill="currentColor" width="1em" height="1em" viewBox="0 0 1024 1024"><use _ngcontent-serverapp-c33518352="" href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#arrow-down"/></svg></ins-svg-icon></div></div></div></ins-sleek-dropdown><ins-sleek-dropdown _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 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href="/assets/svgs/symbol-defs.svg?t=7#arrow-down"/></svg></ins-svg-icon></div></div></div></ins-sleek-dropdown></div></div><app-call-to-action-prompt _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c1759620688><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c1759620688 class="call-action-banner-prompt research-trial-opportunities"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1759620688 data-size="desktop" alt="join-prompt-desktop-image" class="cabp-figure" src="/assets/img/research-trial-opportunities.svg"><img _ngcontent-serverapp-c1759620688 data-size="mobile" alt="join-prompt-mobile-image" class="cabp-figure" src="/assets/img/research-trial-opportunities.svg"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c1759620688 class="cabp-inner"><h3 _ngcontent-serverapp-c1759620688 class="cabp-title">By joining Inspire, you can be connected with clinical research and trial opportunities</h3><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c1759620688 class="bttn bttn-navy cabp-btn">Join now</a></div></section></app-call-to-action-prompt><article _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 observeelement class="reply-listing-section"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="6086670096014501568" data-tracking-id="6086670096014501568"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">T_Allen </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 18, 2024 • 10:39 PM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>For me, one small thing is that the trash truck rolls down the other side of the street first. </p><p>That gives me like 7-10 minutes to hurry up & gather stuff to get to the curb </p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">1 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="2448730698728752454" data-tracking-id="2448730698728752454"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">Zusuis </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 19, 2024 • 12:58 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>The will to be observant but not engaged, the strength to quietly endure but not draw attention, to still pursue better living conditions and better myself and not give in, to see through false narratives with discernment, to know some of us are very much alike and that good people do exist and suffer, to give thanks to God for knowing HIM, and to continue to acknowledge my strange insights to many interplaying subjects and know what I am up against in life. </p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">2 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="20570661345177276" data-tracking-id="20570661345177276"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">umpedromonteiro </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 19, 2024 • 8:40 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>I'm thankful for this thread. It serves as a reminder. So it is useful. Because I get to read other users thankfulnesses. Thank you</p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">4 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply><app-inspire-ad _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="inspire-ad-replies" _nghost-serverapp-c3840075257><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="post-block-ad"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="inspire-reply-ads pba-body" id="interstitial-ad-300x250-post-reply-3"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="pba-foot">Advertisement</div></div></app-inspire-ad></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="15087434829961347489" data-tracking-id="15087434829961347489"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">gina83marie (Inactive)</span><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 20, 2024 • 2:47 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>My home</p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">5 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="11436456298808755804" data-tracking-id="11436456298808755804"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">HummptyDummpty </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 20, 2024 • 3:25 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>I am thankful for my life, and my family, grateful to God for all he does for everyone. Oh, and my Dog Max🙏❤️</p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">5 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="8832118991062406585" data-tracking-id="8832118991062406585"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">HummptyDummpty </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 20, 2024 • 3:28 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="inreplyto">In reply to <a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033>T_Allen's comment</a></span></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>🤣🤣sounds like a winner</p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">4 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply><app-inspire-ad _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="inspire-ad-replies" _nghost-serverapp-c3840075257><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="post-block-ad"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="inspire-reply-ads pba-body" id="interstitial-ad-300x250-post-reply-6"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="pba-foot">Advertisement</div></div></app-inspire-ad></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="4689053207416963153" data-tracking-id="4689053207416963153"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">Zusuis </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 20, 2024 • 4:15 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="inreplyto">In reply to <a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033>gina83marie's comment</a></span></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>Your biggest sense of home is your 'mind' and then your next or kin. </p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">1 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="2058825234130120249" data-tracking-id="2058825234130120249"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">Zusuis </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 20, 2024 • 4:36 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="inreplyto">In reply to <a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033>HummptyDummpty's comment</a></span></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>Yet so the best and least will experience LIFE. </p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">1 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="5226089683445041718" data-tracking-id="5226089683445041718"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">Zusuis </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 20, 2024 • 4:40 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="inreplyto">In reply to <a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033>T_Allen's comment</a></span></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>A useful installation of a 'prompt'. </p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">1 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply><app-inspire-ad _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="inspire-ad-replies" _nghost-serverapp-c3840075257><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="post-block-ad"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="inspire-reply-ads pba-body" id="interstitial-ad-300x250-post-reply-9"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3840075257 class="pba-foot">Advertisement</div></div></app-inspire-ad></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="14517767787378782709" data-tracking-id="14517767787378782709"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">BlueSunflower </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 28, 2024 • 3:33 AM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>I’m thankful to have a bunch of supportive friends. </p><div>Due to some special and severe reasons, I have been “vanished” for months. Some of my friends almost called the police since they couldn’t find me. I had to “appear” and “announce” that I’m OK. </div><div>I will meet some of them tomorrow. I didn’t mean to keep them worried, but I’m still in the dark zone and don’t know how to talk to them. </div><div>Regardless, I’m lucky to have friends who really care about me other than my family.</div><div>🙏 </div></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">4 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="reply-list-item" class="reply-post-block" data-ins-parent-element="true" data-post-type="disc_cmnt" data-post-id="14833147322813791041" data-tracking-id="14833147322813791041"><ins-anon-reply _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 _nghost-serverapp-c467064033><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="reply-block-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="preview-reply-block"><section _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="reply_content" class="prb-body"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-head"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-meta"><a _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-name">Lily2018 </a><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rhb-stamp">Nov 29, 2024 • 3:16 PM</span></div></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="prb-stamp"></div><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 id="replyContent" insclicktoinnerhtmlanchor><p>Thankful for trees. </p></div><span _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 class="rbw-foot">3 Reactions</span><ins-photo-carousel _ngcontent-serverapp-c467064033 _nghost-serverapp-c12763384></ins-photo-carousel></section></div></div></ins-anon-reply></section></article><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 class="comment-control-bottom" hidden></div><ins-custom-modal _ngcontent-serverapp-c3335267229 id="modal_privilege_delete_reply" class="cmw-hide" _nghost-serverapp-c342721892><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c342721892 id="ins-modal-wrapper" class="custom-modal-wrapper"><div _ngcontent-serverapp-c342721892 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using this application.</noscript><script src="/inspire-web/runtime.8f40012bd206dea1.js" type="module"></script><script src="/inspire-web/main.578d848ca3869aba.js" type="module"></script> <script id="serverApp-state" type="application/json">{"environment":"live","platformID":2,"getWhoAmI":"anon","getDiscussion":{"status":"success","data":{"post":{"id":"17736469657569512877","tracking_id":"17736469657569512877","slug":"disc-b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/","title":"What is something 🙏 you are thankful for? Big or Small?","content":"\u003Cp>This community is all about asking for help & sharing trials & tribulations. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>How about posting something you are thankful for? 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Those with lived experiences of mental health conditions, their loved ones, and community stakeholders are encouraged to use this space for support and inspiration."},{"heading":"Always consult your healthcare provider","label":"Always consult your healthcare provider","link":"/groups/mental-health-america/e1/","prose":"Inspire community discussions are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. Always consult your physician and do not rely on the information on this site when making decisions about your health. The content on Inspire is for information only and is not reviewed by medical professionals. Similarly, do not use Inspire to give medical advice. You may share information about your experiences, but do not play the role of a health professional (even if you are one). If you are experiencing an active crisis, please use the resources provided below. 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These steps can help a loved one with a mental condition.","imagetitle":"Young woman holding hands of elderly parent with mental disorder","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_2EiHQcU6oLqEJrKeyb77J1_83f224c1cd45b3711ee392f07c241bcd_Ways_to_help_loved_one_with_a_mental_disorder_holding_hands__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/loved-one-mental-disorder","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-10-26","title":"4 Ways to Help a Loved One With a Mental Condition"},{"desc":"Psychotherapy, or talk therapy, helps people with mental disorders or life struggles learn to cope. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a common type.","imagetitle":"In this closeup, a young man wearing a military issue t-shirt and holding a camouflage cap looks down with a pained expression. He is sharing his problems with an unrecognizable counselor.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_6nz6oM8P7kcyZpmdrzOXQm_7d8c433001119d9bae6e28ca16521294_What_is_Psychotherapy__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-psychotherapy","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-02-24","title":"What Is Psychotherapy?"},{"desc":"Caregivers of people who have a mental health disorder and tardive dyskinesia are at risk for their own health struggles. These steps can help.","imagetitle":"Parkinson and Alzheimer female senior elderly patient with caregiver in hospice care. Doctor hand with stethoscope check up older woman people. Old aging person seeing medical physician in hospital.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_01F6U0gQJsvl08LPkReOKm_c6e5fafbb152362f7878bcf9706a8c93_Caregiving_for_Tardive_Dyskinesia__Sm_.png","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/tardive-caregiving","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-05-31","title":"Caregiving for Tardive Dyskinesia"},{"desc":"More people are experiencing mental health issues like depression and anxiety during the COVID-19 pandemic. These tips can help you cope.","imagetitle":"A mother and her daughter are both wearing masks during the covid-19 pandemic.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_1sih9x1cNPqiBiuF5IA5ot_a88fdf20dca30229fb055a3aa5147bf6_Mental_Health_Pandemic_Masked_Mother_Daughter_Sm.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/mental-health-tips-pandemic","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-04-02","title":"6 Tips to Improve Mental Health During a Pandemic"},{"desc":"Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder that causes hallucinations and delusions. People with schizoaffective disorders also have depression or bipolar disorder.","imagetitle":"A psychiatrist is listening to a female patient explaining her experience with schizophrenia","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_5fUMf5OMnDBTLcEl7cVcLM_70d2d6878b9a0723c3c0f56252c32bf0_What_Is_Schizophrenia_Woman_Explaining_to_Psychologist__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-schizophrenia","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-06-15","title":"What Is Schizophrenia?"},{"desc":"Depression is a mood disorder that makes you feel hopeless, irritated, or withdrawn for weeks or years. Psychotherapy and antidepressants can help.","imagetitle":"Sad businessman sitting head in hands on the bed in the dark bedroom with low light environment, dramatic concept, vintage tone color","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_3dnvMq0LCXx3eWBeVfaEaL_7d8c2fbe9e0afa32fc448bd357034de2_What_Is_Depression__sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-depression","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-06-24","title":"What Is Depression?"},{"desc":"A panic attack is an episode of intense fear that comes on suddenly. Although it’s impossible to stop a panic attack once it begins, there are some things you can do to help manage the situation","imagetitle":"Woman in station having a panic attack covering face","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_38745h3I8acq4r4MyxdHAK_fc71a92f103b78d4038e568ff6b22e70_5_ways_to_manage_panic_attacks__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/ways-to-manage-panic-attacks","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-01-31","title":"5 Ways to Manage Panic Attacks"},{"desc":"Delusional disorders cause paranoia and false beliefs (delusions). For example, you may think people are plotting to hurt you or that they’re madly in love with you.","imagetitle":"Close up unhappy woman suffering from paranoia and delusional disorders, depressed young female sitting on couch alone, touching temples, feeling unwell","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_5q4VxQ5y0idLjktSPvUSPV_c676ffcd18870bb189936a34ded52f40_Paranoia_and_Delusional_Disorders__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/paranoia-delusional-disorders","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-08-31","title":"Paranoia and Delusional Disorders"},{"desc":"Mental conditions affect how you think, feel, and behave. Common mental illnesses include anxiety, depression, ADHD, eating disorders, and schizophrenia. ","imagetitle":"Young man with depression sits alone contemplating.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_2Ar7hBhFj5Sz5ExsnudtbZ_622e563faf43e357faab33c0db2e7d2f_5_Types_of_Mental_Disorders__sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/5-types-mental-disorders","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-03-16","title":"5 Types of Mental Health Conditions"},{"desc":"Grief is a normal response to a loss. Steps to cope with grief include talking to a therapist, honoring your loved one, and prioritizing your health.","imagetitle":"Two sad women embracing coping with grief","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_SC0Pj160kpAwA1VU1S4YL_e3ed42596a06ea6948fccde9c65662b4_TD_Coping_with_Grief__sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/coping-with-grief","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-09-27","title":"3 Ways to Cope With Grief"},{"desc":"Whether you have a mental disorder or need help coping with life stressors, mental health counseling can help. Use these 4 tips to find the right therapist.","imagetitle":"Unrecognizable female mental health professional and patient discuss the patient's issues. The doctor gestures while holding the patient's chart.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_4dyHgjpl4Vpi5k9G6Jfko8_368ce38cc96aa08132abc5157585f9c9_4_Tips_to_Find_the_Right_Therapist__Sm_.png","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/finding-therapist","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-05-27","title":"4 Tips to Find the Right Therapist"},{"desc":"People with attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may be hyperactive, inattentive, or a mix of both. Medications and psychotherapy can help.","imagetitle":"Child writing Abbreviation ADHD on a blackboard. ADHD is Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_5oIULLehOVtQPmxv8wwSrt_cbd05b9a19d64be2ba93a0bdbf47af66_What_is_ADHD__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/what-is-adhd","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2022-03-10","title":"What Is ADHD?"},{"desc":"Many mental health conditions appear during childhood. Children and teens are more likely to develop ADHD, anxiety disorders, depression, and eating disorders.","imagetitle":"Young girl having a conversation with her doctor about her mental health","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_62GX0Sxus7rfcKim9gQk38_5138b3d98e77c3e38f5f9dad018580ba_Mental_Health_in_Children__Sm_.jpg","pageid":"/resources/mental-health/mental-disorders-children","parenttitle":"Mental Health","parenturi":"/resources/mental-health","posted":"2021-11-23","title":"4 Common Mental Conditions in Children"}],"desc":"Mental health is your state of emotional and psychological well-being. You may face challenges in your mental health at different stages of life. If these challenges continue to affect you over the long term, they may develop into mental health illnesses requiring medication, such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. Other disorders can arise as antipsychotic drug side effects, such as tardive dyskinesia.","imagetitle":"Doctor discussing mental health with tardive dyskinesia patient","imageurl":"https://static.inspire.com/sponsored-resource-center/images/gb21x26ak63g_1F58w7Dm7vSBX6V4H4x17S_3e5b29fa726fb702ce95f89a913067c3_Tardive_Dyskinesia_Treatment__OG_.jpg","pageid":"mental-health","title":"Mental Health"}],"state":"Virginia","topics":[{"description":null,"f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"LGBTQ+ health","name_id":"lgbtq-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"1","topic_id":"4040"},{"description":null,"f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"BIPOC health","name_id":"bipoc-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"2","topic_id":"4041"},{"description":"Alcohol and other drug abuse and addiction constitute major health and safety concerns. For people struggling with co-occurring mental health and substance abuse disorders, physical safety and overall health risks are greater. Treatment is proven to be effective, but very few who need it have access to and receive care.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Addiction and co-occurring disorders","name_id":"addiction-and-co-occurring-disorders","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"3","topic_id":"2240"},{"description":"Most people experience feelings of anxiety before an important event such as a big exam, business presentation or first date. Anxiety disorders, however, are illnesses that cause people to feel frightened, distressed and uneasy for no apparent reason. Left untreated, these disorders can dramatically reduce productivity and significantly diminish an individual's quality of life.\n\nPhobias are the most common form of anxiety disorders, and fall into three categories. Specific (simple) phobias are the most common and focus on specific objects. Social phobia causes extreme anxiety in social or public situations. And agoraphobia, which is the fear of being alone in public places from which there is no easy escape.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Anxiety and phobias","name_id":"anxiety-and-phobias","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"4","topic_id":"2241"},{"description":"Bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression, is an illness involving one or more episodes of serious mania and depression. The illness causes a person's mood to swing from excessively high and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, with periods of a normal mood in between. More than 2 million Americans suffer from bipolar disorder.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Bipolar disorder","name_id":"bipolar-disorder","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"5","topic_id":"2242"},{"description":"Children are affected by a wide range of mental health issues, including ADD/ADHD, anxiety disorders, autism, bipolar disorder, bullying, conduct disorders, depression, and schizophrenia.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Children's mental health","name_id":"childrens-mental-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"6","topic_id":"2243"},{"description":"Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as \"relationship addiction\" because people with co-dependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Co-dependency","name_id":"co-dependency","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"7","topic_id":"2244"},{"description":"Clinical depression is one of the most common mental illnesses, affecting more than 19 million Americans each year. Depression causes people to lose pleasure from daily life, can complicate other medical conditions, and can even be serious enough to lead to suicide. Unfortunately, though treatment for depression is almost always successful, fewer than half of those suffering from this illness seek treatment.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Depression","name_id":"depression","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"8","topic_id":"2245"},{"description":"People with eating disorders experience serious disturbances in their eating patterns, such as a severe and unhealthy reduction in their food intake or overeating, as well as extreme concern about body shape or weight. Eating disorders usually develop during adolescence or early adulthood. Eating disorders are not due to weak willpower or bad behavior; rather, they are real, treatable illnesses. The two main types of eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Eating disorders","name_id":"eating-disorders","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"9","topic_id":"2246"},{"description":"The loss of a loved one is life's most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Grief and bereavement","name_id":"grief-and-bereavement","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"10","topic_id":"2247"},{"description":"People with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) suffer intensely from recurrent unwanted thoughts (obsessions) or rituals (compulsions), which they feel they cannot control. Rituals, such as handwashing, counting, checking or cleaning, are often performed in hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these rituals, however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them increases anxiety. Left untreated, obsessions and the need to perform rituals can take over a person's life. OCD is often a chronic, relapsing illness.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)","name_id":"obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"11","topic_id":"2289"},{"description":"Those who struggle with a personality disorder have great difficulty dealing with other people. They tend to be inflexible, rigid, and unable to respond to the changes and demands of life. Although they feel that their behavior patterns are \"normal\" or \"right,\" people with personality disorders tend to have a narrow view of the world and find it difficult to participate in social activities. There are many types of help available for the different personality disorders. Treatment may include individual, group, or family psychotherapy. Medications, prescribed by a patient's physician, may also be helpful in relieving some of the symptoms of personality disorders, including problems with anxiety and perceptions.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Personality disorders","name_id":"personality-disorders","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"12","topic_id":"2248"},{"description":"","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Paranoia","name_id":"paranoia","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"13","topic_id":"3881"},{"description":"If you have gone through a traumatic experience, it is normal to feel lots of emotions, such as distress, fear, helplessness, guilt, shame or anger. You may start to feel better after days or weeks, but sometimes, these feelings don't go away. If the symptoms last for more than a month, you may have post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)","name_id":"post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"14","topic_id":"2249"},{"description":"About one in 100 people are affected with schizoaffective disorder. It has features that are similar to schizophrenia, depression and bipolar disorder. An individual with schizoaffective disorder will experience hallucinations, delusions and symptoms similar to other mood disorders.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Schizoaffective disorder","name_id":"schizoaffective-disorder","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"15","topic_id":"2760"},{"description":"Schizophrenia is a serious disorder which affects how a person thinks, feels and acts. Someone with schizophrenia may have difficulty distinguishing between what is real and what is imaginary; may be unresponsive or withdrawn; and may have difficulty expressing normal emotions in social situations.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Schizophrenia","name_id":"schizophrenia","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"16","topic_id":"2250"},{"description":"","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Dissociative Identity Disorder","name_id":"dissociative-identity-disorder","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"17","topic_id":"3846"},{"description":"Self-injury, also known as cutting or self-mutilation, occurs when someone intentionally and repeatedly harms herself/himself. Its estimated that about two million people in the U.S. injure themselves in some way. The majority are teenagers or young adults with young women outnumbering young men. They are of all races and backgrounds.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Self-injury","name_id":"self-injury","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"18","topic_id":"2251"},{"description":"A suicide attempt is a clear indication that something is gravely wrong in a person's life. No matter the race or age of the person; how rich or poor they are, it is true that most people who die by suicide have a mental or emotional disorder. The most common underlying disorder is depression; 30% to 70% of suicide victims suffer from major depression or bipolar (manic-depressive) disorder. If you think someone you know is considering suicide, trust your instincts that the person may be in trouble and get help. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to reach a 24-hour crisis center or dial 911 for immediate assistance.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Suicide","name_id":"suicide","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"19","topic_id":"2290"},{"description":"This topic covers general wellness and overall health -- managing stress, coping with day-to-day problems, work/life balance, improving your mental health, recovery and more.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Wellness and overall health","name_id":"wellness-and-overall-health","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"20","topic_id":"2252"},{"description":"Discuss mental health issues not covered by one of our other topics here.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Other issues","name_id":"other-issues","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"21","topic_id":"2253"},{"description":"Discuss issues related to access to treatment here, such as health insurance and Medicare/Medicaid. Share information and tips on getting access to the treatment you need.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Access to treatment","name_id":"access-to-treatment","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"22","topic_id":"2254"},{"description":"Caring for a family member or friend who is dealing with mental health issues can be overwhelming. This is your place to meet others who know what it's like, and share support and information.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Family and caregivers","name_id":"family-and-caregivers","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"23","topic_id":"2255"},{"description":"A place for teens and young adults to connect and share information and support. You're not alone!","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Teens and young adults","name_id":"teens-and-young-adults","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"24","topic_id":"2256"},{"description":"Despite everything we have learned about mental illness, misconceptions are still common, and those dealing with mental illness feel the stigma. Connect with others who know what it's like here. Share tips for coping, and increasing awareness and understanding of mental illness.","f_suppressed":"0","group_id":"200202","name":"Coping with the stigma of mental illness","name_id":"coping-with-the-stigma-of-mental-illness","parent_id":null,"sort_order":"25","topic_id":"2257"}],"web_site":"https://www.mhanational.org","isPrivate":null},"status":"success"},"getPostReplies":{"status":"success","data":{"post":{"reply_count":11,"comments":[{"id":"6086670096014501568","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"6086670096014501568","created":"2024-11-18T22:39:53Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>For me, one small thing is that the trash truck rolls down the other side of the street first. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>That gives me like 7-10 minutes to hurry up & gather stuff to get to the curb \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"T_Allen","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["gina83marie"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/6086670096014501568","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":1},{"id":"2448730698728752454","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"2448730698728752454","created":"2024-11-19T00:58:57Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>The will to be observant but not engaged, the strength to quietly endure but not draw attention, to still pursue better living conditions and better myself and not give in, to see through false narratives with discernment, to know some of us are very much alike and that good people do exist and suffer, to give thanks to God for knowing HIM, and to continue to acknowledge my strange insights to many interplaying subjects and know what I am up against in life. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Zusuis","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["HummptyDummpty"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["gina83marie"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/2448730698728752454","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":2},{"id":"20570661345177276","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"20570661345177276","created":"2024-11-19T08:40:01Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>I'm thankful for this thread. It serves as a reminder. So it is useful. Because I get to read other users thankfulnesses. Thank you\u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"umpedromonteiro","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis","HummptyDummpty"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/20570661345177276","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":3},{"id":"15087434829961347489","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"15087434829961347489","created":"2024-11-20T02:47:07Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>My home\u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"gina83marie","status":2,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["HummptyDummpty","Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["HummptyDummpty","Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/15087434829961347489","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":4},{"id":"11436456298808755804","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"11436456298808755804","created":"2024-11-20T03:25:15Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>I am thankful for my life, and my family, grateful to God for all he does for everyone. Oh, and my Dog Max🙏❤️\u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"HummptyDummpty","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/HummptyDummpty/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["gina83marie","Zusuis","BlueSunflower"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/11436456298808755804","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":5},{"id":"8832118991062406585","parent":{"id":"6086670096014501568","slug":"disc_cmnt-6086670096014501568","content":"\u003Cp>For me, one small thing is that the trash truck rolls down the other side of the street first. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>That gives me like 7-10 minutes to hurry up & gather stuff to get to the curb \u003C/p>","created":"2024-11-18T22:39:53Z","author":{"nickname":"T_Allen","avatar":{"small":"/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"__typename":"User"},"__typename":"FullComment","url":"reply/6086670096014501568"},"tracking_id":"8832118991062406585","created":"2024-11-20T03:28:55Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>🤣🤣sounds like a winner\u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"HummptyDummpty","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/HummptyDummpty/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["gina83marie","Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/8832118991062406585","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":6},{"id":"4689053207416963153","parent":{"id":"15087434829961347489","slug":"disc_cmnt-15087434829961347489","content":"\u003Cp>My home\u003C/p>","created":"2024-11-20T02:47:07Z","author":{"nickname":"gina83marie","avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"__typename":"User"},"__typename":"FullComment","url":"reply/15087434829961347489"},"tracking_id":"4689053207416963153","created":"2024-11-20T04:15:15Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>Your biggest sense of home is your 'mind' and then your next or kin. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Zusuis","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["gina83marie"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/4689053207416963153","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":7},{"id":"2058825234130120249","parent":{"id":"11436456298808755804","slug":"disc_cmnt-11436456298808755804","content":"\u003Cp>I am thankful for my life, and my family, grateful to God for all he does for everyone. Oh, and my Dog Max🙏❤️\u003C/p>","created":"2024-11-20T03:25:15Z","author":{"nickname":"HummptyDummpty","avatar":{"small":"/api/member/HummptyDummpty/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"__typename":"User"},"__typename":"FullComment","url":"reply/11436456298808755804"},"tracking_id":"2058825234130120249","created":"2024-11-20T04:36:29Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>Yet so the best and least will experience LIFE. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Zusuis","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["HummptyDummpty"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/2058825234130120249","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":8},{"id":"5226089683445041718","parent":{"id":"6086670096014501568","slug":"disc_cmnt-6086670096014501568","content":"\u003Cp>For me, one small thing is that the trash truck rolls down the other side of the street first. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>That gives me like 7-10 minutes to hurry up & gather stuff to get to the curb \u003C/p>","created":"2024-11-18T22:39:53Z","author":{"nickname":"T_Allen","avatar":{"small":"/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"__typename":"User"},"__typename":"FullComment","url":"reply/6086670096014501568"},"tracking_id":"5226089683445041718","created":"2024-11-20T04:40:38Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>A useful installation of a 'prompt'. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Zusuis","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["HummptyDummpty"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/5226089683445041718","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":9},{"id":"14517767787378782709","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"14517767787378782709","created":"2024-11-28T03:33:53Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>I’m thankful to have a bunch of supportive friends. \u003C/p>\u003Cdiv>Due to some special and severe reasons, I have been “vanished” for months. Some of my friends almost called the police since they couldn’t find me. I had to “appear” and “announce” that I’m OK. \u003C/div>\u003Cdiv>I will meet some of them tomorrow. I didn’t mean to keep them worried, but I’m still in the dark zone and don’t know how to talk to them. \u003C/div>\u003Cdiv>Regardless, I’m lucky to have friends who really care about me other than my family.\u003C/div>\u003Cdiv>🙏 \u003C/div>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"BlueSunflower","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/BlueSunflower/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis","HummptyDummpty"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/14517767787378782709","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":10},{"id":"14833147322813791041","parent":{"__typename":"Post","url":"reply/undefined"},"tracking_id":"14833147322813791041","created":"2024-11-29T15:16:47Z","page_num":1,"__typename":"FullComment","content":"\u003Cp>Thankful for trees. \u003C/p>","class":"disc_cmnt","author":{"nickname":"Lily2018","status":4,"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"__typename":"User"},"reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"files":[],"level":"second","noOfChildRepliesToShow":2,"url":"reply/14833147322813791041","comments":[],"isChainDeleted":false,"counter":11}],"__typename":"Post"}}},"getRelatedPosts":{"status":"success","data":{"Search":{"posts":{"total_hits":1155,"hits":[{"__typename":"Post","id":"17736469657569512877","tracking_id":"17736469657569512877","slug":"disc-b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small","class":"disc","created":"2024-11-18T22:37:32Z","active":"2024-11-29T15:16:47Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"T_Allen","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp>This community is all about asking for help & sharing trials & tribulations. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>How about posting something you are thankful for? Big or small.\u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":11,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/b34401-what-is-something-you-are-thankful-for-big-or-small/","title":"What is something 🙏 you are thankful for? Big or Small?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis","MelissaSemenova"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Zusuis"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2245,"name":"Depression","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"14087144006646414116","tracking_id":"14087144006646414116","slug":"jrnl-creek-snap-twang-no-its-not-a-ghost-in-the-house-just-my-bones","class":"jrnl","created":"2014-06-17T00:39:26Z","active":"2024-11-20T03:40:23Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/chantelr/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"chantelr","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"After a full day of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING yesterday I took it upon myself to do something today. I brought the girls down to my mommy's house and took my nieces and nephews on a walk down to the lake. It was nice. My girls ran and swam, lily strengthened her legs and the rest got wore out! :) For some foolish reason I thought it was a BRILLIANT idea to mimic a 2 year old!! (Who in their right mind would ever think it's smart to mimic a 2 year old?) She began to jump up on and down on the dock. So what do I do? I jump up on and down on the dock! (I'm so going to regret this later I know that much) She splashes in the water, (After I JUST bathed her at home!) I splash in the water! (To the point, I ALMOST FALL IN!) She laughed, I laughed. I'm sure anyone watching us would have been laughing too! I'm sure we were all a site to see, 6 dogs, 3 kids, and me. *sigh* Why do I get myself into these things?\r\n\r\nWe head back and I bring her up to my house with me. I make her some lunch of a grilled cheese and I began to crave a grilled ham and cheese. It was quite yummy! I haven't had one in AGES! We sat down, had our sandwiches and watched cartoons until we just had to be outside some more. Too nice of day to be in. I was doing fine until a twinge in my back told me to slow down. :( NO! I'm not going to let you go out! Like my body listens to me! Puh-Leaze! I only wish right?\r\n\r\nBut never the less, my love bug was here and she wanted to play. At least needed Auntie to be outside with her! I sat on the swing as she found her new outdoor toys. A shovel, a rake, a hoe, a sandpail. Uncle Bob made her a small little sandbox for just the right size for her. It's maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. Nothing to big. Just right for someone her size.\r\n\r\nShe sat on the ground with her bright orange bucket next to her scooping sand inside when I hear, \"OH!\" She grabbed the bigger plastic shovel I found for her at a garage sale for a quarter. Placed it on the ground near her, filled the shovel with her little bucket shovel, then lifted the BIG blue plastic shovel of sand and emptied it into her pail! Why all the added steps? I don't know. It's Monday. I already mimicked a 2 year old, I didn't want to think like one. \r\n\r\nShe soon carried the very heavy bright orange sand pail over to me. \"Here go!\" \"Thank you my love bug.\" As she sauntered back over filling her shovel with her little shovel then carrying it over to me at the swing. I shake my head in amusement and wonder. Once we were all done, \"Aunchie?\" \"Yes love bug?\" \"Help pweesh\" \"What do you need?\" With a big sigh she pointed to her bucket and over to the sand box. \"Do you need me to care it over there?\" \"Yes.\" \"Okay baby let's go.\" We walked hand in hand over to the sandbox where I emptied out her sand pail. Such a busy day for such a bitty baby girl.\r\n\r\nBob was gone throughout the day today and he came home and I started supper. I BBQ ribs tonight and they were PHENOMENAL! Couldn't do any better than I did tonight. They were spicy, yet tangy and melted in your mouth! It was AMAZING! After we ate I felt my body continue to give in more. My ankle continued to hurt, my back got stiffer, but I wasn't done yet!\r\n\r\nI ran outside and began to play with my dog Rosie. Bob said I was quite the site tonight to watch, zebra slip on shoes, a gray cut off tshirt with white shorts, running around the yard chasing a white ball with a black dog following. He said he didn't know if he could even call what I was doing running! HE HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING!! I just looked, apparently HYSTERICAL! I just turned around and scoffed, \"Well ya know what man of mine? There comes a time in EVERY persons' life when they just don't give a damn anymore! And since mine has busted a LONG time ago... Well clearly then. I don't care how I look! So there! :P *pfffttthhhh* I win!\" Bob: Laughed even harder.\r\n\r\n\r\nBut honestly why should I? Sure it hurt, and I probably did look ridiculous outside, doing God only knows what, but honestly, who care? It was great exercise. :) Prednisone has done such a number to my body I'm finally to the point where I no longer see my faults and wish I was the person I was before, I'm to the point where things are livable and the days I can take full advantage of everything, the better I am! Yes I am envious of those who can hit the gym and do all this cardio etc. But today, well today I was thankful for my 4 jumps, my 2 minute run, and an amazing ability to cook! ;) So if you are near my house tonight and hear strange noises, don't worry, nothing is wrong! It's just my joints snapping from my fun time today. :)","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":2,"url":"/m/chantelr/journal/creek-snap-twang-no-its-not-a-ghost-in-the-house-just-my-bones/","title":"*Creek, snap, twang* No, it's not a ghost in the house.. just my bones..","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"connective-tissue-disorders","group_id":200069,"name":"Connective Tissue Disorders","url":"/groups/connective-tissue-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"womenheart","group_id":200156,"name":"WomenHeart Connect","url":"/groups/womenheart/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"6304699186449495293","tracking_id":"6304699186449495293","slug":"jrnl-gobble-gobble","class":"jrnl","created":"2014-11-27T16:25:11Z","active":"2024-11-21T09:24:59Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/chantelr/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"chantelr","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"As I sit here this morning, finally sipping on my coffee, I am reminded that yet another has gone by and yes today is Thanksgiving. I should be, like many other people baking pies, stuffing turkeys, and get ready for the holiday. But alas, I am sitting here, at 10:14 a.m. and FINALLY drinking my morning coffee. I'm not in any rush to move, to shower, to get dressed, to celebrate. I'm not depressed today, I don't feel entirely crummy but enough to feel UGH!\r\n\r\nI stopped and looked in the mirror, dreadful device those mirrors. And realized that my bloating has gone down from yesterday but it's kind of pointing out right now, like a turkey, and with such moon face I feel like I have a turkey neck. Maybe I should wear all brown and stick out multi colored feathers and just waddle around the rez chirping, \"Gobble Gobble!\" What a sight that would be! :D \r\n\r\nAlthough I am sure I would bring quite the fit of laughter, I think turkeys are much cuter than I would be gobbling around the rez. :) So maybe it is a good thing that I sit here, still in my pajamas sipping on my coffee and no rush to do anything because you never know for sure what I will do next. :)\r\n\r\nBut on the bright side of life, I know there will be so many post on what are you thankful for, this is what I am thankful for. But please keep in mind, Yes, we are all battling illnesses of some sort, (Why else would be here??) Yes it is hard on us, on our families. Some of us only have days, weeks, months to live, others of us are trying to get by day by day. But we really need to smile and be thankful not just today, but everyday for the little things in life. For the past 3 days I can barely walk, my legs have been horribly cramping. But my baby is home for the holidays. :) The sun is shining today. I am helping my mom decorate for Christmas tomorrow. All small things I can smile about and be thankful for. If nothing else is going right, I know there is always something to be thankful for this holiday season.\r\n\r\nSmile, enjoy your day, be thankful. :)","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":2,"url":"/m/chantelr/journal/gobble-gobble/","title":"Gobble Gobble","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["weberjuly2019","barbarafiedler"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["weberjuly2019","barbarafiedler","emjv"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":4,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["weberjuly2019","barbarafiedler","StefWatkins","marykate1279"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"autoimmune-disease","group_id":200044,"name":"Autoimmune Disease","url":"/groups/autoimmune-disease/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"connective-tissue-disorders","group_id":200069,"name":"Connective Tissue Disorders","url":"/groups/connective-tissue-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"womens-health","group_id":200155,"name":"Women's Health","url":"/groups/womens-health/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"womenheart","group_id":200156,"name":"WomenHeart Connect","url":"/groups/womenheart/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"4639749321276789434","tracking_id":"4639749321276789434","slug":"jrnl-be-thankful-2","class":"jrnl","created":"2011-12-09T14:27:29Z","active":"2012-01-07T13:59:04Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/aty/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"aty","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"Be thankful that you don't all ready have everything you desire.\r\n If you did what would you look forward to?\r\nBe thankful when you don't know something for it gives you the opporitunty to learn\r\n Be thankful for the difficult times during these times you will grow\r\nBe thankful for you limiations because they give you opportuinties for improvment\r\nBe thankful for each new challenge because it will build your strength and character\r\nBe thankful for you mistakes they will teach you valuble lessons\r\nBe thankful when your tried and weary because it means you've made a difference\r\nIt is easy to be thankful for the good things a life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the set backs\r\nGRATITUDE can turn a negative into a posstive find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessing.\r\n( I want you all to know you all have touched someones life on inspire in some way. All of you are great people. I know for a fact because all of you have made a big difference in my life I have learned many things from all of you. When I thought I was alone I relized am not alone I have great friends here. Vickie","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":1,"url":"/m/aty/journal/be-thankful-2/","title":"Be thankful","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"ifred-anxiety-and-depression","group_id":200040,"name":"Anxiety and Depression","url":"/groups/ifred-anxiety-and-depression/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"chronic-fatigue-syndrome","group_id":200065,"name":"Chronic Fatigue Syndrome","url":"/groups/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"chronic-pain","group_id":200120,"name":"Chronic Pain","url":"/groups/chronic-pain/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"fibromyalgia","group_id":200192,"name":"Fibromyalgia","url":"/groups/fibromyalgia/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"15890505545280980732","tracking_id":"15890505545280980732","slug":"jrnl-sick-but-its-all-good-i-did-it-to-myself","class":"jrnl","created":"2019-02-05T06:04:04Z","active":"2019-02-08T22:18:55Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Gamecockgirl97/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Gamecockgirl97","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"Not a good gastroparesis day; I've been nauseated most of the day when I haven't been sleeping. I slept a lot today, but it was a blessing because the food I ate a few days ago is starting to catch up with my stomach. I was so sick I ended up having to use my phenergan, compazine and zofran. But it taught me an important lesson. My stomach isn't like other people's; I can have maybe one regular meal, but I can't have two or three regular ones or I'm going to pay for it. Lesson learned. Now if I just remember it. That dang chicken bog will get you every time. But I did well today. I turned it down. That's huge because that and banana pudding are my two favorite foods in the world. But I listened to my body and paid attention to what it was saying. And it was saying I better get an ensure instead. It sure didn't taste as good but it also wouldn't make me as sick either.Well, except that I almost threw it up, which began the nausea med cycle.\r\n\r\nI was also really weak today for some reason. I had taken one of my electrolyte drinks and went into the living room to tell my mom something and then got so weak that I almost started to fall and sat down in the chair by me real quick. She said I looked real pale. As soon as I was okay again I went and got another electrolyte drink. Weird, though, that I'm still getting drink even after drinking one electrolyte drink. Guess I'll have to drink two in the morning from now on. I thought I was okay with one in the morning and one at night. But I guess my orthostatic hypotension doesn't like that too much. \r\n\r\nThe dogs go to get groomed tomorrow. I have to have them at the animal hospital (they do grooming) by 8-9. So great that it looks like I'll be up for a while. I'm full of energy right now so I don't know if I can go to sleep before 8-9. And then I have to pick up my medicine. I have a walking pharmacy. lol. \r\n\r\nSo I've been watching the Celebrity Big Brother Live Feeds. And everyone I like got voted off. I'm thinking I'm pulling for Kandi and Dina Lohan at this point because the rest are just not likable to me. And the funny thing is I don't know what Kandi was on, one of those Housewives shoes and Dina Lohan is only famous for being Lindsay Lohan's mother, but they are the only two left I like. Everybody else I liked (except Cato, I did't like him) left. \r\n\r\nI am still so happy with my refrigerator in my room. I found another use for it, too. I use Bath & Body Works wax melts and when they cool off I can put them in my little refrigerator freezer to freeze and then pop the wax melt container into it and once it freezes pop it out. \r\n\r\nFor some reason, my asthma has been bad today. When I blew into my peak flow meter and it was in yellow. I used my rescue med earlier and my asthma plan my doctor made was for me to use my rescue inhaler every four hours for that day and the next 1-2 days. I just used it and check with my peak flow meter and it was way in the green so that's real good. Trying to figure whether I should put my HEPA filter on 3 or leave it on the 2 setting. \r\n\r\nI go to a new allergist in March. I have enough meds to get me through until then. I have to stop using my Astelin spry (presribed, not the same thing as Afrin, I can get the two confused sometimes) and Zyrtec D, but I still take my asthma maintenance inhaler and my singulair. But I have to go through all the allergy testing again. I hate that stuff. I've already been through it twice. And also been through the \"you shouldn't have a dog\" thing twice. What they don't get is that the dogs really help my depression and my diseases, especially my gastroparesis, and that's much more needed than allergies. When Quincy goes I will get either another bichon or a toy poodle, a dog that is small and considered hypoallergenic, but no way am I not having my dogs. I love them and they cuddle against me and stay in bed with me when the disease gets too bad. I've had so many friends that left me because of my disease, and the dogs have been loyal. \r\n\r\nI also see the new GI specialist at the end of February. I hope he's a surprise but I have a feeling I'll still end up mostly at the motility clinic again. My mom thinks I'll be mostly there except for situations involving my stimulator, but I really think we'll end up at MUSC for most stuff. So far every gastroenterollogist I've been to wants to pass out reglan and if that doesn't work, they're kind of like, too bad. There is such a need for knowledge about it. I think he might give tramadol, though, because we do have a friend who goes to him who gets opoids for chrones disease so hopefully I can at least get something for pain. This whole opoid thing is messed up. Yes, some doctors do pass it out like candy, but not the majority. And the biggest problems is heroin coming in from Mexico, but nobody wants to address that. We were talking about that when I was in the Developmental Disability place before I got so sick and they had to let me go. But people are suffering in pain because of people abusing stuff and illegal drugs coming in. \r\n\r\nI get to go to Tara's weekend after this and we see Toby Mac!!! I can't wait!!! I'm going to pretty much drink ensures and eat pudding the whole time because I definitely don't want to get sick while I'm there. I kept six tramadol even though they are out of date because i had 90 in December of 2017. I'm saving them for her house because I don't want pain or nausea bad when I'm there. With the fact that I can use all three meds for nausea and alternate them over six hours the nausea shouldn't be a problem, but I'm saving the tramadol for the pain and praying it still works okay because unfortunately the first appointment he has was February 28.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":5,"url":"/m/Gamecockgirl97/journal/sick-but-its-all-good-i-did-it-to-myself/","title":"Sick but it's all good, I did it to myself","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["charlie-2","hrmg","mylifeisgood"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"agmd-gi-motility","group_id":200030,"name":"Gastrointestinal (GI) Motility Disorders","url":"/groups/agmd-gi-motility/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"ifred-anxiety-and-depression","group_id":200040,"name":"Anxiety and Depression","url":"/groups/ifred-anxiety-and-depression/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"living-with-asthma","group_id":200042,"name":"Living with Asthma","url":"/groups/living-with-asthma/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"blood-pressure","group_id":200051,"name":"Blood Pressure","url":"/groups/blood-pressure/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"digestive-system-disorders","group_id":200073,"name":"Digestive System Disorders","url":"/groups/digestive-system-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"15338102126729627265","tracking_id":"15338102126729627265","slug":"jrnl-my-background-part-4-off-to-college","class":"jrnl","created":"2017-05-27T02:31:07Z","active":"2017-05-27T02:31:07Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"ConfusedandAlone","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"My first journal post covers the most recent struggles I'm facing with my current Major Depressive Episode (MDE) but it also mentions the fact that I've struggled with chronic depression and MDEs my whole life. These posts are really just to get things off my mind I guess. And give some background for what I've struggled with throughout my life. Some of the things I've dealt with, but a lot of them I don't think I have. I'm not sure what order makes the most sense but I think I'll start young and work my way up. Maybe someone can relate to some of the things I write about. Maybe someone can help me work through the issues. But My purpose for these posts titled \"My Background\" are kinda just to put my story down in words for myself. Not to seek attention or say I had anything particularly bad- because I have friends who have had much more strenuous lives than myself- but really just to put it out there and hopefully let go of it, for myself\r\n\r\nI really can't complain much about my first year of college. I had the most fun then, and really look back to that first year and a half as my glory days. From graduating high school all the way till Christmas of my sophomore year of college I was just living life for the most part. I had some ups and downs but I rolled with the punches pretty easily. When I would get emotionally overwhelmed my metaphorical cup would overflow and I would call one of my friends and sob and cry and talk it out, on a weekly to monthly basis. It was a system that worked. The only big worry I really had was if or when my parents would split up. My brother and I knew they loved each other but the way they fought and acted around one another it was pretty clear that they were mostly staying together for us. We both had the feeling that as soon as we were both out of the house and in college they would separate. So other that waiting for that shoe to drop, which I figured wouldn't be for a few more years when my brother graduated, I was just enjoying life. I was losing a lot of weight and getting really healthy, both with my diet and exercise. I took a body positivity seminar as part of a research study and it really changed the way I think about my self image, at least as it relates to my body and my looks. I was becoming a social butterfly, finally truly away from the negativity and immaturity and ignorance of my youth. I was free of my hovering mother and finally felt the desire to express myself and decorate my room. I was exploring and discovering my sexuality and loving every minute of it. I was making friends of all different races and religions and learning about new cultures and exploring new cuisines. I learned to ride a motorcycle and then bought one and I got a tattoo. I really was finding myself. I traveled on my own for the first time and had a blast! I realized that at least some of my lingering depression was related directly to my reproductive hormones and got on birth control meds which really leveled me out. I was working at a job rolling sushi, my favorite food, and getting remarkably discounted sushi on a weekly basis. I was finally being challenged academically and socially in a positive way. I was doing great in my classes getting into a really great study groove. I even took classes over the summer to get ahead and did well in them. I was the most happy I had ever and have ever been in my whole life. \r\n\r\nThat all pretty much changed when I went home for christmas break sophomore year. \r\n\r\nMy dad, seeing both me and my brother getting more active and more healthy began working out and getting fit. He lost a bunch of weight and was starting to have some indigestion problems that were making it really hard for him to eat, which was making him lose weight a bit dangerously. I took him to the doctor's appointment for an outpatient endoscopy; they found some ulcers and biopsied them. As a pre-med student I saw all the photos of the endoscopy and it all seemed really straight forward. The test results came back 4 days later and we were all in shock. \r\n\r\nAt 42 years of age my father was diagnosed with stage 4b Gastroesophageal adenocarcinoma cancer. It was the same location and the same aggressive type of cancer that his father had died of years ago at 52 yo. Things moved very fast during that break. After the family meeting where we found out about this diagnosis we spent the next 2 weeks on the phone with practically every oncologist and doctor. We went to numerous doctor's appointments and scans. We waited until just after the holidays to tell the rest of the family first by phone and then for the majority of the extended family I set up a Facebook page and added all the family and friends I could find. Over the following years it became the source for any information related to my Dad's condition and treatment. Practically everything that happened to him went on that facebook page. \r\n\r\nDuring that break I took him to every doctor's appointment and sat in so I could know what was going on straight from the doctor. I took him to get his Chemotherapy port placed and to get his first round of chemo and we went out to eat after that together. I picked up all his meds and tended to practically his every need that first two weeks of his cancer treatment. \r\n\r\nI wanted to stay. I wanted to help. I wanted to be there for my dad. He was kinder when I was around and he let me take care of him and tolerated me telling him what to do. But he didn't want my education to suffer for him. He wouldn't hear of me staying to help him. So I went back to school. I tried and tried and tried to focus on my schoolwork. That first month back I was finally finding a balance between school work and worrying about my dad. And that was when the first major setback hit. \r\n\r\nI had had a late night studying and was sleeping in when I was woken up by my phone going off. I groggily answered and it was my mom, frantic and crying. My Dad had a complication and one of my family members was already on their way down to get me from my college and bring me back to see him. He had lost a lot of blood and was in the ICU when I got there that night. I was a wreck all day and seeing him in the hospital hooked up and pale from losing blood was a huge emotional blow. \r\n\r\nFrom that point forward it was practically impossible for me to strike a reasonable balance between schoolwork and worrying about my Dad's condition. By memorial day of that year he was through an intensive schedule of radiation and chemotherapy but he was diagnosed as being in clinical remission. Which basically means any measurable cancer cells were gone. They scheduled regular imaging scans to catch any possible growth. \r\n\r\nWe managed to get a year of recovery from chemo and without having to worry too much. I met a guy and fell in love. And just as we start getting comfortable, thinking we've beat the cancer, it pops back up in the same spot. \r\n\r\nMidway between Valentine's day and my birthday of my junior year of college I find out that my Dad's cancer is back and it devastated me. They scheduled and prepared him for surgery before my head stopped spinning and I couldn't manage to afford to take any time off let alone to book any bus, train or airfare to go see him off into surgery. Luckily for me my new boyfriend had a car, a few days off in the middle of the week and a heart of pure gold. We raced through the night and conspired with one of my uncles to surprise my dad before he went off to surgery. I managed to get there just 15 mins before they took him off to get drugged up to go under the knife, but I got there and my Dad was so happy to see me before he had to go under. But still, it was time away from classes. I think I missed a test or two. It was crazy. That rest of the spring and summer was full of worry and doubt. My dad was still weak from the first battle and fighting the second battle with aggressive chemo and radiation after surgery which reduced the size of his esophagus and his stomach made it all the harder. There were more complications and he was starting to get really grouchy and mean to my mom and brother and other caregivers. \r\n\r\nI came back to visit him and help out as often as I could afford. And as before he listened to me and was nicer when I was around. He even tried to spoil me every time I was in town. Teaching me his best recipes and making sure my favorite dishes got prepared. All the while he became meaner and meaner to his daily caregivers. \r\n\r\nBy the end of July he was once again in clinical remission. He was weaker than he was after the first battle and he was fighting to learn how to eat with his smaller stomach, but he had survived round 2 with the big C. \r\n\r\nAgain they scheduled regular scans and check ups. This time there were a few problem sites that the doctors determined were other things. So every few months the waiting games were excruciating one week at a time. \r\n\r\nBut again we managed to get over a year of clean scans before the cancer came back. \r\n\r\nBetween all the stress and the multiple class failures my self esteem and confidence about practically everything had plummeted. I was yet again living functionally chronically depressed but worked as hard as I possibly could to maintain a passing GPA, maintain a positive bank account balance- to be self sufficient so as not to cause the rest of my family to worry about me in more ways than just financial- maintain a positive attitude about my Dad's medical condition, and to distract myself from all the stress as much as I possibly could. It was hard work and I struggled constantly but I managed to keep my head above what I called these mediocre goals. At the time it felt like I was barely surviving, but now, looking back at everything I was dealing with, and everything I accomplished in those 2-3 years, I amaze myself with my strength and perseverance and the short-lived small victories and happinesses I was able to attain during those times. I wonder where the F**K it went! and HOW in the H*LL do I get it back! and JUST now, right this minute as I'm typing this I'm sobbing and I've realized that part of what kept me going, what kept me strong, was my Dad. Watching him fight and persevere gave me the strength to keep going myself. Because as long as he fought, I fought. We were both super determined to see each other succeed and he held out until I graduated college. Or at least until he thought I graduated college. But I'm jumping the gun now... \r\nback to the timeline... \r\n\r\nAll this time, while all this was going on, I was in school AND working a part time job AND my boyfriend had moved 6 hours across the state AND we were dating long distance AND all this time I'm worrying about how my Dad is doing. He has cancer and we fight it, complications and chemo side effects and then he's in remission. Cancer's back, again we fight it, more complications and more chemo side effects and then he's in remission. During the second remission we have a few scans that scare us and so the waiting game is crippling dread. I was in what was supposed to be my senior year of college during the multiple scan scares. Over the years my grades had suffered tremendously due to the stress. I ended up having to drop a bunch of classes and I even failed some classes I didn't manage to drop. It was lucky that I took those classes in the summer that first year and got pretty far ahead. I would struggle and drop classes and fall behind when he was battling cancer, and I would catch up and make up the grades while he was in remission. Still, I repeated classes and I took summer classes and worked every summer to keep up with everything. Even so, I ended up not graduating on time. I had to take an extra year.\r\n\r\nSome time in March, right before my original graduation date, I had my first MDE. For nearly a week I moved for 3 reasons: to relieve myself, to eat, or to answer the phone and lie to my family and friends about what and how I was doing. That was it. The shame of not graduating on time, of not succeeding while my father was battling cancer, of spending all this time away from him just to fail to finish on time hit me like an avalanche. I stopped going to class. I stopped leaving the house. I stopped talking to my friends and roommates. I stopped grooming myself. I couldn't bring myself to function anymore. \r\n\r\nAt some point I woke up and I realized how bad I had let myself get. I broke down crying on the phone with my boyfriend sobbing and releasing all the emotions I'd been holding in for God only knows how long. Unfortunately he had never dealt with anyone's emotional breakdown, let alone anyone with chronic depression or suffering from an MDE and suicidal thoughts; So when he heard me sob about my suicidal thoughts- despite saying I would not act on them- and then my phone died and I jumped in the shower- as we had talked about just seconds before my phone died- He got worried and called EMS on me. My roommate let them in, at which point proceeded to I have an argument with EMS about the fact that none of my doors were locked and they were welcome to come in while I finished my shower, but that I would not step out of the shower until I was good and ready. Because I'm that kind of person. \r\n\r\nAnyway, I got some help via the school's intensive outpatient group therapy program for anxiety and depression. I managed to loose my job but I also managed to salvage what was left of that semester for most of my classes, and I was able to drop a few of them too. I came to terms with needing to take another year and I buckled down and caught up. \r\n\r\n14 months. We got 14 months from the scan that said he was in remission to the scan that said it came back. \r\n\r\nRight at the beginning of that extra year(and supposedly my final year) of college, my Dad was admitted to the hospital with chest pain and we found out that the cancer had spread after surgery to the abdominal wall. It wasn't directly growing on any of his organs but it was diffusely growing throughout the abdominal wall of his chest and body cavity. Basically the thin layer of cells that separate your organs and the muscle of your abdomen and chest was cancerous; it was getting thicker and pressing on practically all of his organs and intestines, causing problems in his GI tract, kidneys and eventually his liver and spleen. They put him back on chemo. Ironically, it's just as likely that the cancer spread to this area due to the radiation as it is that it spread due to the surgeries. A diffuse spread like that is possible but it isn't very typical of \"natural metastasis.\" Either way, round 3 commenced and he was eating better this time around. Unfortunately he was also more cranky and meaner this time around. Again I returned home when I could, helping and doing everything I could when I could afford to do so. The number of times I beat myself up or cried myself to sleep feeling like a the most selfish, insensitive daughter on the planet because I was in school three hours away while my mom and brother complained about how mean my dad was or told me how he was reacting to the treatments, were matched only by the number of times I repeated my mantra \"Don't quit school. Dad wants me to finish school.\" \r\n\r\nHe was on chemo for 3 months before he had a setback that sent him to the hospital in early November. He was in the hospital for nearly a month before he was allowed back home. At that point the doctor had determined the battle was over. Hospice was brought into the house and I spent Christmas break at home helping care for him. Somehow they convinced me that he was feeling better. He'd worked out some sort of work plan where he could go to work and ride around the home improvement store on a floor waxer to maintain a paycheck and benefits for himself and the family. Still, he was working and they convinced me to go back to school for my final semester. I went back and held it together for as long as I could. I struggled in my classes and I managed to get through all but one of my classes. Due to my extenuating circumstances however, I managed to get an incomplete in one class and just had to turn in a few assignments over the summer to pass the class. I didn't tell my Dad about not fully passing that class and I walked out of my last final feeling a little shaky about whether or not I passed. I knew I would walk at graduation regardless so I didn't worry too much about it. I planned to take the next week or two before graduation and rush through the projects and turn them in before I walked anyway. Then my family would come down for my graduation and I'd go home and spend all the time I could with my Dad. \r\n\r\nThat didn't happen. \r\n\r\nWhen I got home from my last exam my best friend called and asked if I was all done with my exams. I told her I was and she said \"good come let me in, I'm outside.\" I was so confused but then I let her in and she told me to call my mom. We both went into my room and she proceeded to help me pack a bag while my mom told me that my Dad was NOT doing well and I needed to come home IMMEDIATELY. My friend then drove me the 3 hours home and I walked in only to find that my dad who I had seen going to work just a few months ago was barely skin and bones. He needed to be hooked up to oxygen constantly to breath and he nearly fell every time he stood up to relieve himself. For those two weeks before my graduation ceremony I spent the entire time waiting on my father for his every need. If he moved I was up helping him stand, if he was asleep I was laying on the couch right next to him checking to make sure he kept breathing, if he needed to eat I already had something ready and trying to coax him into taking a few more sips or a few more bites. It broke my heart when he couldn't manage to eat enough to have enough strength for the trip down to Austin to see me graduate. I had to talk with him and convince him that it was more important that he stay behind for his safety than for him to come see me walk across a stage, the one thing he was holding out for for so long. I'm definitely not over that yet. \r\n\r\nBut I convinced him and after the 3 hour trip turned out to be 5 hours in traffic in a cramped car, we all knew it was for the best that he hadn't come just based on that. \r\n\r\nWhen I got home I felt another stab of guilt because apparently there was a larger, televised ceremony that I did not attend that he watched and he could have seen me walk in my cap and gown if I had gone. If I had known it would have been televised I wouldn't have bothered with the smaller first ceremony at all, I would've only focused on going to the bigger one.\r\n\r\nEither way, I graduated and I went directly back to visiting and taking care of my Dad. We had planned a much larger trip for later in the summer to go back to visit all the family in Ohio. We got all packed up for that trip and as we were leaving the rental house in Dallas I turned around and looked at my dad in the back of the van, and as the rental house faded into the distance I a voice deep in my soul told me \"This is the last time your Dad will see this house.\" \r\n\r\nWe went up to Ohio to celebrate both my graduation from college and my cousin's graduation from high school with my family. We were scheduled to spend 2 weeks in Ohio. While there we saw all of our friends and family and family friends. There were countless parties and cookouts and potlucks. I spent some time with my old high school friends. My Dad got to see practically everyone he cared about over the years. On the second night I was spending with my friends I got a call from my mom telling me to get back to the house we were all staying at because we were leaving early. I rushed back home and was told to pack up and get some sleep. In the middle of the night I was then woken up by my dad's mom and told to go get my dad some medication from the pharmacy. We nursed my dad for a few hours and then we went back to sleep. In the morning I was woken up in a frenzy as my mom was cursing and throwing bags into the car. Telling me to get everything packed up and that Dad wanted to leave now! So I did as I was told and we packed up everything into the car. The only thing left to do was get my Dad and put him in the back seat. But when it was time he started hyperventilating and he changed his mind. He wanted to stay. He needed an albuterol treatment. He wanted my cousin that just graduated, the one who was practically my second brother, the one my father had directly helped raise until he was 5 years old. I was in charge of getting the hospice nurse to come with the albuterol treatment. My grandmother and aunts were frantically trying to find my cousin on his way to work. My grandfather was calling all my Dad's brothers and they and family friends nearby all started arriving at the house. Eventually my cousin got to the house. My brother was sitting on the couch next to my Dad, holding his hand, My mother and my Lola were standing in front of my Dad and I was on the ground, at my Dad's feet, massaging his feet and calves like I'd done millions of times before. My cousin walked in and squeezed right in between my mom and my Lola and hugged my Dad. And then my Dad stopped hyperventilating. He stopped breathing. He passed away and I looked away and found the clock on the cable box. It was 7:45 am on Friday morning, June 28th. After 3 long, hard years of fighting, my father passed away.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":0,"url":"/m/ConfusedandAlone/journal/my-background-part-4-off-to-college/","title":"My Background, Part 4: Off to College","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["joannemarie8558"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["joannemarie8558"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"12329624870470847181","tracking_id":"12329624870470847181","slug":"disc-origins-of-porn-addiction","class":"disc","created":"2023-01-23T00:58:52Z","active":"2023-01-28T10:26:51Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"jerussell623","status":2,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp>For me, the main problem as a kid was child abuse. While I wasn't ever sexually abused, it was a weird household scenario at my mother's house.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She literally has no boundaries when it comes to her sexuality. I am about to post things that aren't even my business, let alone yours, but I think the only way I am actually going to improve on this aspect of my life is if I write it all down.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She would keep me awake for hours on end telling me stories about her sex life, down to the nitty gritty disgusting details that I had no desire to know about. I went to live with her once when I was 14 and once when I was 17. I don't honestly think I need to type the details of everything, but she hates giving blowjobs and had a really great sex life with my sister's father.... she is younger than me. I have two sisters and a brother from my mother's side as well as on my father's side. Then the time when she had sex for the first time which... um.... you know when you are 14 and learning how to navigate the world and have puberty going on at the same time? Yeah.... a confusing time where I need to discover myself, not discover what my mother enjoys in bed. And I certainly did not need the details of how their bodies were positioned when they went to sleep.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She also had this thing where she would say, \"There is no privacy with family\". The number of times she would go into the bathroom to talk to me about whatever bullshit came into her head. Parents of small children: I sympathize with the children constantly going into the bathroom with you while trying to use it. It was definitely creepy. She actually hated it when I would go change my clothes in the bathroom due to this idea of what privacy is to her. We were destitute living with my mom. The living arrangements were atrocious. We all had to sleep in the same bed and to be honest, I preferred the couch.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Perhaps the most bizarre thing that I have ever seen in regard to sexuality is the obsession she has with having sex and yet at the same time, views herself as a lady who has never done anything promiscuous. She very seriously has a sex addiction problem. She also has her mental health issues. She claimed that she has had over 12,000 boyfriends and showed me thousands of index cards with these men's names on them, what their favorite color was, what their favorite food was, and how many times they have had sex. She also had their race and ethnicity written out. Plus, phone numbers.... She used to be a stripper and yet has a problem with Miley Cyrus swinging naked on a wrecking ball because that's not \"lady-like\". Like it isn't but.... why are you throwing the first stone, again? I am hoping someone can help explain this to me in more detail. Also, Miley Cyrus has the song \"Flowers\" out and I have been jamming to that ever since its release since I need to apply that song to my life.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She is hopeless. I have told her several times that she needs to get help with her mental issues. She refuses to acknowledge that she has any and is easily offended when everyone else around her says the same thing and giving her numbers to a psychiatrist.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Back to the topic though. It was also creepy how she judged my body after I changed my clothes. She told me I needed to shave my pubic hair, which I flat out refused to do. She made comments about my boobs looking deformed and that I had no waist and no butt. The bodily critiques that started at 14 years old was flat out embarrassing and shameful. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then my own mother telling me I had pretty legs is uh... cringeworthy.... I have never felt like my mother hit on me in the moments where she told me that she liked my legs, lips, and hair. I am wondering about this now... it is so weird.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Cringe.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>It got to a point where I really did feel like I was the \"ugly duckling\" she told everyone around her that I was.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She asked me once if I was gay, which was a really interesting question.... because I am bisexual. She told me that, \"No gays are allowed in my house\". Ok... so.... your critique of my body as if you want a picture-perfect body out of your daughter is ok, but not the bisexual daughter? Ok then... Good to know.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She also said some rather... unorthodox things that no one should ever say to a child. We were watching the Flintstones movie and then the scene with the dinosaur Fred and Wilma owned came up. I don't quite remember the whole scene, but they were evidently talking about how the dinosaur was fixed? I can't remember anything other than being flustered by mother saying, \"I am surprised your father didn't get you fixed.\" At least at that time I was 17, but... yikes. In front of my younger siblings too.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>There was also the time that a Spanish soap opera she was watching on one of the tape cassettes she recorded it on. We are talking about the world of VCRs that Gen Z have no knowledge of... back when the dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Anyways, she was translating the soap opera because it was in Spanish and I don't speak it. She was describing a scene where evidently the girl in the show was named \"Eloise\", which is my name, was being raped by a group of men. It was disturbing. Why tell me that and why are we watching this? Another one of those things that at least I was 17, but damn. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>The lack of self-confidence about my sexuality was not only the thing that allowed me to be sexually groomed by a man 45 years older than me, but also the thing that messed up my brain on how a woman is supposed to look and feel about herself. The porn is an outlet to drown out my insecurities about my body image. It shows that I do at least have some control to decide what I do and do not like as far as a body type and some form of relief that I can enjoy sex and sexual content even if it isn't the prettiest porn out there on the internet. These things took me to another dark place in my life which was an identity crisis. Who am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to look like? How can I become pretty? Why am I ugly? Why do I have all of these zits on my face? \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I took one drastic measure that I wish I had never taken. I took a belt and wrapped it around my waist as tight as I could get it so I could develop an \"accurate waist\" and covered it up with my shirt. It was excruciating and I couldn't do it to myself anymore which was disappointing to me. I have never had an eating disorder. I consider myself thankful for that. But the lingering effects ultimately led me to porn. Here are people who are comfortable with their bodies. Here are people who are allowed to do whatever the hell it is they want to do. They aren't me. They aren't as insecure as I am. They don't think about their appearance as much as I do. They have sex with whoever they choose to do so even in the most dark and wild ways possible. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>There was a time when I was 23 that I called CPS on my mother because one of my younger sisters told me that our mom was having sex in the same bed they were all supposed to be sleeping in. Nothing was ultimately done about it after CPS went to her house. This is because my sister said she lied about what she said to me. I would love to see a man get away with the same crime due to that answer. The case was archived, but not closed. It doesn't do any good now though because now they are full grown adults. I believe that this sister of mine told the truth. I was very upset about the outcome. When I say this system is really fucked up, it's because it is really fucked up. To all men out there, can you imagine having that accusation being made against you by your child and get away with it because that child said she lied? No? Right, because no is the correct answer. They would hang you out in public for that. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>That is literally the origin story of porn addiction. I wanted some confidence booster and porn gave that to me. \u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":23,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/origins-of-porn-addiction/","title":"Origins of porn addiction","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2240,"name":"Addiction and co-occurring disorders","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"6245065507339527774","tracking_id":"6245065507339527774","slug":"jrnl-coping-habits-bsoewd","class":"jrnl","created":"2022-05-02T03:16:57Z","active":"2022-05-02T06:39:19Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Listening_Owl7/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Listening_Owl7","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp>Well, I had posted earlier about coping habits and was going to go in and edit the post and somehow hid that post...not sure how to unhide...So, I'll try to make this too long, as I'm not going to remember exactly how I wrote the post earlier.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>When something is bothering me, I will tell my husband I need 10 minutes of uninterrupted time to get my thoughts together and process whatever is bothering me. I generally just need 10 minutes to cry out my frustrations or do some deep breathing meditation. It helps me decompress. However, sometimes I think I've processed the situation, but then it will suddenly take over my thoughts again. I actively meditate. Although, right now I'm so depressed, anxious, and trying to work through my PTSD, that I can't seem to clear my mind fully, or I relax long enough to meditate and the moment I stop my session, I am right back where I was before I started meditating. I try to write in my journal when I feel up to it. I do feel journaling is very relieving. However, will my current feelings with my depression, I don't want to relive a bad day by writing about it. I use to take long drives to clear my head in order to focus on the important things rather than letting those pesky negative thoughts take over. Windows down, favorite songs or favorite genre of music playing, singing like a fool, looking like a fool if dancing and singing, not caring if anyone seen or not. I do occasionally take the \"long way home\" from work, but with the price of gas right now, it's not something I've really been doing a whole lot of like I use to. I would drive anywhere from 30 minutes to a couple of hours if needed to clear my head. I do like to do jigsaw puzzles. It seems to be about the only hobby I have at the moment when I'm up to it, and the only thing that slows or completely stops my thoughts. I'm not sure if it's due to the concentration of the completing the puzzle, but my husband gets upset when I do puzzles. I've asked him to do them with me, he just isn't really into puzzles. He has sat down with me and completed a 250 piece puzzle once. He tells me that I get so focused on what I'm doing that I tune out the background noise. I get so caught up in what I'm doing that he feels I am completely ignoring him.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The edit I wanted to add to my original post is this:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I found a new coping habit today by accident. My husband is my biggest supporter with my depression and is always trying to do something everyday to make me smile and laugh. Today, he suggested we go and sit outside with the dogs this evening. I agreed, went outside, and was shocked at how calm I quickly became. Rather than being in my head, I was watching our dogs Bourbon and Pudge, A.K.A. Pudge-a-roo, playing outside having fun and just being their silly selves. I was able to block out the thoughts in my mind and was taken back at how I could hear the wind and birds chirping, and took in the beauty of nature in general. I felt a sense of relief. I felt for a short moment calmness for the first time in years. I'm learning that with each day, instead of dwelling on the bad of the day, that I need to be thankful for the good as well. I try to end my day thinking about something I found beautiful, peaceful, or positive and reflect on how I was feeling. This new accomplishment is going to take the win for todays positive thought to reflect on. I was able to help myself grow. No matter how small of an accomplishment this may be, it is 100% a step in the right direction towards a healthier mental health.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I'm currently under the care of a psychiatrist and therapist. We are still in the initial stages of therapy of me talking about the issues that are causing the depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I'm interested in what coping skills other find to be useful. I am in the mindset right now that I want to fight back and help myself get better. I don't want to continue to live in the darkness that has consumed me. I'd say the attitude change is from the medication I was prescribed for sleep, because two days ago I was singing a different tune. I haven't slept well in so long, that I am completely blown away by the results of a good nights sleep and how much better I feel after only 2 nights of a sleep medication.\u003C/p>\u003Cp> \u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":1,"url":"/m/Listening_Owl7/journal/coping-habits-bsoewd/","title":"Coping Habits","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["chiaro"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Ringworld-Engineer01"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"5859213902174684076","tracking_id":"5859213902174684076","slug":"disc-help-1456","class":"disc","created":"2018-02-08T22:02:45Z","active":"2018-02-10T07:11:33Z","updated":"2018-02-08T22:21:54Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Madisunflower","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"Hey everyone, first off I'd like to thank you for clicking on/reading my post. Trying this out because I was referred by the crisis textline (awesome service by the way, I've had no luck with the Lifeline chat, for anyone who wants to talk to someone not face-to-face go to https://www.crisistextline.org/how-it-works). So I'm obviously in crisis mode, don't read if you don't wanna hear about suicide. It's also really long, but honestly, even if no one reads this or replies, it helps to type it out instead of all of it swirling in my head at once. So here we go.\r\n\r\nI am thankful for the opportunity to vent to a bunch of people who understand without looking you all in the face. No offense. I have a weird mask that I cannot take off in front of other people, no matter how hard I try. I wanna be perfect and I want everyone else to think so too. Doesn't the stigma suck?\r\n\r\nA little background (actually a lot of background): I'm 22, struggling with some unappealing feelings since 6th grade. My first exposure to suicide was when my grandpa shot himself in the head in 7th grade. I tried to kill myself by overdosing on Benadryl in 8th grade, but all it did was make me hallucinate and scare the living daylights out of my parents, who promptly brought me to the emergency room. Looking back, they should have done a psych eval, but they just kept me in the hospital until my heart rate slowed down. I was diagnosed with depression and sought help from a therapist who consistently called me the wrong name. That didn't last long. I felt written off.\r\n\r\nEventually, in high school, I wanted to try out some meds. My first instinct was to just see my family doctor. She cycled me through multiple antidepressants that either had zero effect at all or horrible physical/mental side effects. I stopped taking them eventually. Also in high school, I started dating my now-husband, when I was 15 and he was 17.\r\n\r\nLike I said I am a hopeless perfectionist so I went to college concurrently during high school and graduated with most of my associates degree and a pharmacy technician certification. I immediately got a job at a pharmacy, where they were short staffed, worked me roughly 55 to 60 hours a week (very rough on an 18 year old), my coworkers complained all the time because it really was a horrible job, and customers would get mean or even violent every day. I live in a town with a pretty severe opiate problem, so whenever we ran out of their precious percocet or there was a problem with the doctor sending it over or something, I'd get screamed at or things thrown at me. I take things extremely personally and am sensitive to other people's distress anyway, as I'm sure a lot of you are, so it affected my mental health very badly, and brought on my first mixed episode. \r\n\r\n(note: I don't think I have pure manic episodes, only depressed and mixed)\r\n\r\nI stopped caring about anything and drove extremely recklessly, crashing my car four different times in a span of 4 months before I totaled it. I rear ended some elderly dude at a dead stop going 55 miles per hour. He sued me for injuries (although the case was dropped), and regardless of the fact that my lawyer insisted that he had a degenerative spine condition and was trying to be an ambulance chaser, I will still feel guilty about that for the rest of my life.\r\n\r\nObviously this really screwed up my life in multiple ways. I felt so empty and depressed and looking back I was delusional, because I got the idea that having a kid would make everything better and easier (LOL). I stopped taking my birth control without telling anyone and got pregnant on purpose at age 19 and felt WONDERFUL my entire pregnancy. I think that was the last time I was happy. \r\n\r\nObviously, my then-boyfriend felt obligated to pop the question. My daughter was born in March 2015 and we got married in June 2016. That period of my life is comparable to how I feel right now. I was 20 years old, going to university full-time and working part-time, planning a wedding, taking care of a newborn baby and two dogs, helping run a household, attending to my fiance, and doing freelance projects (I'm an art major). I obviously went insane. I got a bunch of credit cards and spent around $15,000 on I don't even know what, debt that still causes me anguish every single day. I stopped eating and lost about 60 pounds; my 5'8 frame filled with only 90 pounds. Everyone probably thought I had developed anorexia to look good for the wedding, but it was not an image thing at all. I was not hungry. My breastmilk ran out and I felt really bad about that, our joint checking account did too because formula is expensive. Again, I sought antidepressants from my family doctor. Again, they didn't work. I also started seeing a therapist who I LOVED but she was more like a best friend to vent to and I didn't really pick up any tangible coping skills. \r\n\r\nEventually my husband reluctantly let me quit my job even though we needed money more than ever. My therapy was expensive, so I had to stop going. Money became a bit tight and I told him about my debt. This sparked a totally understandable resentment in him. The wedding came and went. The resentment grew as my husband realized that he wasn't enough to make me happy, which is neither his fault nor mine. I felt horrible the entire time but I maintained my straight A's and happy image, even though I wasn't eating and looked like a walking skeleton. Then I started the next semester and met a wonderful friend who was bipolar. Her illness had just ruined her own life and she moved to my state for a fresh start and was on a hopeful road to recovery. We discovered similarities in our feelings and she was horrified to learn that I had never seen a psychiatrist, only been given the antidepressant run-around by unqualified family doctors who probably did 6 months of mental health clinicals during their residency. I saw her psychiatrist and he immediately diagnosed me with bipolar disorder, although he did say that was for prescription/insurance purposes only and he couldn't really pin me for sure. I felt pretty hopeful. I was so thankful that she helped me, and I was proud that I was able to help her by being her first friend in a new city.\r\n\r\nWhat drugs did he even start me on? It was lamotrigine and something else. The something else made me feel horrible, but the lamotrigine made me start eating again. That drug has been my faithful companion since I first started seeing the psychiatrist like 2 or so years ago. But nothing seemed to help my mood. I have tried all the new fancy drugs at this point, I can't think of a comprehensive list but some of them include oxcarbazepine, Latuda, Vraylar, Trintellix, Wellbutrin, along with a mixture of holistic coping skills like yoga, meditation, essential oils, herbal supplements, EFT, Kombucha, self-hypnosis etc. etc. etc. Why don't the drugs work? Does anyone know? Is this even the right diagnosis? \r\n\r\nMeanwhile, the relationship between my husband and I is getting more and more strained. He turns out to be a very angry and verbally abusive man, which makes my mental health worse, which makes him angrier, and so on. After several EXTREMELY explosive fights that were riddled with SEVERE verbal abuse (\"Just kill yourself,\" \"hope you die in a car crash,\" etc.) and resulted in him breaking things like my cell phone and the front window of our house (no physical abuse fortunately, but sometimes I think that would have been better), I told him I was done and wanted a divorce about a month ago. My friend who had previously helped me offered to let me live with her and her boyfriend so I had somewhere to go. Unfortunately, it seems as though my friend had offered as more of a gesture, not expecting me to take the offer. Tension developed immediately, I felt her resentment, and our friendship is sorta up in the air right now. She has since recovered almost completely from her illness by finding the correct cocktail of drugs, met a wonderful and serious boyfriend, and graduated and got a job. I'm jealous, especially because I was supposed to graduate with her last semester before I had to withdraw from two classes due to all of this crap. It sucks that she doesn't understand me anymore, she straight up told me to stop talking to her about my problems (don't get me wrong, I understand how they can be burdensome) but I thought she understood and wanted to help me. She did before she didn't need me anymore.\r\n\r\nAnd regardless of the awful things my husband has said and done before, he insists he loves me and wants our marriage to endure. I personally think he loves the idea of me or thinks he can't find anyone else. So essentially I moved out of my friend's place and back home where I'm comfortable in terms of being around my pets and daughter and familiarity, but uncomfortable in terms of being around a man who I'm relatively sure I don't wanna be with anymore and who is making me sicker. \r\n\r\nI think all of this would be enough to make any person feel extreme levels of sadness and anxiety, but my mind is taking it a step further. I am obsessed with suicide. For the past two weeks I've stayed up all night almost every night with suicidal thoughts on top of suicidal thoughts on top of everything circumstantial. Thinking about everything all at once. All night. Life seems so pointless and the only thing that feels real is the incessant pit in my stomach. I'm surprised I'm even lucid enough to write this post. I think a small part of me still wants to live. I wish it was a bigger part and I didn't think that it was just my basic survival instinct kicking in, how horrible does it sound for a mother to be writing this? My poor daughter. \r\n\r\nI have multiple plans, means currently in my possession, and means that would be extremely easy to acquire, but I will not go into detail in the interest of preserving someone else's safety. I have reached out to multiple suicide hotlines, therapists (personal and marriage), my psychiatrist, and friends. I don't feel comfortable talking to my parents about this because I don't want to scare them. Yes, I know it would be worse for them if their daughter was dead. Rationality doesn't work right now. \r\n\r\nI'm essentially waiting for my impulses to overtake my lucidity. I'm skipping my internship and class to drink again (I did the same thing yesterday) without a care in the world, ignoring the calls from my bosses, keeping everyone in the dark except a select few friends. Honestly, if I were them, I would have called the police on myself by now. I have told them very serious things that they don't seem to believe or acknowledge or understand or care about. As you can probably tell, I have some substance abuse problems, namely with alcohol and marijuana. I live in Colorado so I don't break any laws, and I personally think the weed helps me somewhat or takes the edge off, but yeah, not very healthy or long-lasting coping mechanisms.\r\n\r\nI guess the point of my post besides complaining about my entire life story is to ask if any of you guys have voluntarily checked yourself in for a psych evaluation or have any quick-acting and healthy coping skills that I'm not aware of to get this really uncomfortable feeling of doom out of my head. I'm more interested in what it's like to be on psychiatric hold though, I'd like for someone to examine me or talk to me for longer than 10 minutes (which is roughly the amount of time I get with my psychiatrist) and either confirm my diagnosis or change it so I can get a drug that actually works? On Monday I relayed these concerns to my doctor and he took me off Vraylar, which had been giving me horrible physical side effects with no mental relief (the last of the newfangled fancy expensive drugs) and put me on Depakote (really old fashioned yet cheap drug with serious side effects). He said the Depakote will take 3 or 4 days to work. I'm on day 3. Not sure how much longer I can wait. Help.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":1,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/help-1456/","title":"Help?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Sarahkae9"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["charlie-2"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2242,"name":"Bipolar disorder","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"5279493408175391557","tracking_id":"5279493408175391557","slug":"disc-things-to-be-proud-of","class":"disc","created":"2023-07-23T05:55:59Z","active":"2023-11-13T14:44:02Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Yorkiepoo999/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Yorkiepoo999","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp>Hi! What's something you've all done recently that you feel proud of? It can be small or big.\u003Cbr> \u003C/p>\u003Cp>I've been feeling discouraged and trying to remind myself that not everything is bleak like it seems. It's hard sometimes. Here's one thing I'm proud of:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>- I had my first therapy appointment on tuesday and it went well. I was nervous but it felt easy to talk to him and we set some goals for things we want to work on. Finally deciding to seek out treatment is big for me because I've been refusing outside help for a long time. So whether it helps or it doesn't, I'm still proud of myself for starting.\u003C/p>\u003Cp> \u003C/p>\u003Cp>What about you?\u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":15,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/things-to-be-proud-of/","title":"Things to be proud of","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["FightingwithPLS","Bunny_Rabbit","brittany070820"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Bunny_Rabbit","brittany070820"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":6,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Jess_Inspire","Anya5","FightingwithPLS","AngelMarie33","suziefish","brittany070820"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2252,"name":"Wellness and overall health","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"5084354663115911918","tracking_id":"5084354663115911918","slug":"disc-to-make-a-short-story-long","class":"disc","created":"2019-08-07T01:35:21Z","active":"2019-08-20T04:25:57Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"JaxNova","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"My life has been a series of failures, and after 30 years of it I’m feeling like I’m about done... I’ve never told more than one or two people any of this and no one all of it... and no may even read it here, but I’ve been feeling a strong need to get this all out... somehow. I don’t know anyone personally whom I trust, so I’ve ended up here. \r\n\r\nWhen I was young (around 5 or 6) my older sister (who I played with a lot) started wanting to play things like “We were married” or dating, etc... we never did anything inappropriate, (other than she did want us to kiss once, but I think that only happened once) but we pretended a lot of inappropriate things at her prompting. \r\n\r\nAs time went on she mentioned my older brother was doing inappropriate things with animals on our farm. I thought that was disgusting at the time, but a few years later (around when I was 11) I slipped into extreme depression. \r\n\r\nI literally had no friends, was homeschooled, and lived out in the country in a town with 90 people (most of which were over 40 years old) So no way to meet anyone, find friends, support, etc...\r\n\r\nMy dad farmed, but it was hard to make ends meet. One year my parents with 4 kids had only $4,000 for the entire year to live off of because our tractor broke down and most of our money went to repairs. \r\n\r\nMy mom bought a second hand store when I was 7, and like our farm barely made enough money to pay her own bills. \r\n\r\nBecause of this my parents were absent most of the time. My grandmother did our school but she was a very hard woman having grown up during the depression of the 30s and this left me with no adult to turn to. \r\n\r\nOn top of that I was and always have been unnaturally untrusting. I wouldn’t even walk in front of a pickup if it was turned on when I was 5 even if my own father was behind the wheel because I thought I might get run over. Weird and illogical ideas would fly through my head like, “what if it’s not really dad... what if someone is impersonating him?” “What if he suddenly turned evil and decides to kill me?” “What if the pickup rolls and he is unconscious?”\r\n\r\nI was paranoid and untrusting from as far back as I can remember. I was also extremely shy, suffered from extreme social anxiety, was/is an introvert melancholy loner, and so... when my depression hit at 12... I was completely and totally alone. \r\n\r\nI told myself for a while that I could get through it all on my own. Eventually I knew that wasn’t true. Since I couldn’t trust anyone or make friends, I created my own friends. I had always had imaginary friends growing up, some so real at times I honestly forgot they were imaginary. In one case I actually asked my mom when my friend was coming over. I had forgot that I made her up. Only after my mom told me there was no one like that, did I remember that I had created this friend, dreamed about her that night, and in my dream she would be coming to play the next day. The dream had been so real, I had thought it was. \r\n\r\nThese imaginary friends kept me company for a while, but then my past came up again. Memories of what my sister would always play with me, or what she mentioned about my brother doing with the animals came back... again I shoved it aside, but about halfway through my 12th year I stumbled onto a pornography website totally on accident because I had misspelled the website for a music group that I was trying to look up. \r\n\r\nThat opened the flood gates... \r\n\r\nI began struggling with porn, bestiality, my thought life, my depression got deeper, I withdrew. I would talk to no one, lay on the couch nearly all my free\r\nTime and listen to music, imagining a fake existence for myself in my head. \r\n\r\nThis continued for about two years until I got so sick of it I began praying to God daily to kill me. If it weren't for the fact that I was sure suicide would send me to hell... I would have killed myself. \r\n\r\nI became angry. Very angry. I imagined how I might kill myself, or even other people who made me mad. Or I imagined beating them up until they were so bloody and broken they couldn’t move. \r\n\r\nThen, one night when I was 14 I had a dream of a girl that I met. She was everything a guy could ever hope for. And I wasn’t the typical guy who was just interested in looks. I wanted a gorgeous woman, but equally as important I wanted a great personality, someone who i could get along with, love, be there for and who would be there for me. This dream girl was all of that and more. Our likes and dislikes meshed. We liked similar things but when we liked different things it worked to our favor. It was a very in-depth dream. The dream covered 5 years, ending when we finally got married. \r\n\r\nWhen i woke up I was dumbfounded. I didn’t remember exactly what the girl looked like, but WHO she was I never forgot. I put a face to her, and eventually a name. \r\n\r\nAs absurd as it seems, she helped me through my dark times, pulled me out of bestiality, and helped me break my pornography addiction. I “knew” her well enough to know that she wouldn’t approve of these things. So i stopped... for her. \r\n\r\nThis process was a huge struggle that lasted about 4 years. By the time I was 17 I was coming out of it all with success. My depression was even lessening. By 18 life was good. I no longer struggled with my past mistakes, I had taken up writing books and playing guitar as a hobby, and I could “spend time” with my dream girl any time I wanted. \r\n\r\nOf course, as an 18 year old my mind started turning towards my future. I knew, (I think) that she wasn’t real... though part of me sincerely thought she was really out there somewhere and was committed to waiting for her and only her. \r\n\r\nI went to a summer camp the next year and a girl my sister was friends with caught my eye. I had known her for a while, but we never did anything together. My sister had long ago (when I was about 11) stopped playing with me. I guess it was no longer “cool.” \r\n\r\nI talked to this girl (my sister’s friend) a little bit online late that year, and in my mind I rationalized that my “dream girl” was just that... a dream. It was time to move on. I thought I had... I even cried over it... \r\n\r\nLate that year this girl I had been talking to and I started dating. I had told her a large portion of my past. I didn’t want her to find out later and be mad. She claimed at the time that it was all in the past and didn’t bother her. (Should have seen the lies then... but I didn’t) \r\n\r\nThings were good for... the first week. Then it was like I was her yoyo or toy. She would randomly call me saying, “This is never going to work. We can’t be together!” \r\n\r\nThen she would change her mind. I found out AFTER we were engaged that she had bipolar disorder... which she never bothered to tell me at the time. She just told me, “I’m messed up.”\r\n\r\nOn top of that she had been abused by men in her past and decided I was a legitimate outlet to vent, punish, lash out, and so forth. So all her hurt and hate towards men landed squarely on my shoulders. \r\n\r\nAlso, her mother was/is extremely manipulative. Something the girl learned well. She would lock me out of the vehicle, trying to force me to dance or do something stupid for her before she would let me back in. Or she would lock herself behind a door that I could in no way get through and tell me, “If you REALLY loved me you would come in and get me.” Then when she had to unlock it she would say, “Obviously you don’t really love me.” \r\n\r\nThis and many more similar things went on almost every time we were together... and I, being a know-nothing small town kid with a misguided moral compass and some fairytale idealistic view of commitment... I never left. \r\n\r\nI was bound and determined that she was the first woman I had ever dated, ever kissed, and ever been with physically, and so I was bound and determined that she was the one I was going to marry. \r\n\r\nAnd so I did. In spite of all the crap that I was still too twitterpated to see at the time. \r\n\r\nBefore that, however, her family began to dislike me because I (and I quote, “Spent more time with her than them...” O_@ No joke. \r\n\r\nTensions soared between her and her mother, but i kept trying to do everything the way her parents wanted it done. Finally things took a turn for the worse and I got a call from my, now fiancé, saying, “My mom is screaming at me and she hit me and pulled my hair. I need you to come pick me up.” \r\n\r\nSo I went and picked her up, her bags packed. Despite the fact that she was 18 and not underage, her parents tried calling the cops. The cops said there was nothing they could do because she was 18 and wanted to go, so was free to do so. So, from that point forward almost %100 of our interactions with her family had something to do with them saying things like, she was going to hell for leaving the house the way she did, or I had “stolen” her, or that I brainwashed her. Multiple times I was told by some of her family that they hated me, never wanted to see me again, or other rude remarks. And her mom even had the audacity to say “I don’t know why you are so hurt by everything that has happened. If this is the worst you’v been treated by people, then you have had a really easy life.” \r\n\r\nTo make things worse all 4 of my siblings, all my other relatives (besides my parents) and all her relatives on both sides of her family, all her froends or family friends, and even people from her church were all criticizing us (and me more specifically) for our relationship. \r\n\r\nSome said we were moving too fast, some were offended that I didn’t get THEIR approval (even though I DID ask and get approval from her parents) some thought I was in a cult because I went to church on saturday instead of Sunday. Her mom’s family hated me because I was white and not mexican. (They are all mexican) Her dad’s family criticized me for how I dressed... and on and on the list went. \r\n\r\nMy finace’s Dad’s boss insisted that I meet him and get his approval, and several “leaders” from her church came to lecture/interview us (me)\r\n\r\nAnyways... time moved on and all the sudden my fiancé just “couldn’t live with my past.” She decided to tell me on the same day I lost my job... \r\n\r\nSo she left to stay with one of the deacons from her church that had lectured us earlier. During that time I was almost ready to let her go for good and throw my ideals and commitment to the wind, but then she started “wanting to talk.” \r\n\r\nThat went on for a month or two, basically a mirror image of our early relationship. She would change her mind every other day. \r\n\r\nThen I found out that she had told multiple people about my past without even telling or asking me first. I was utterly ashamed of my past and needless to say I didn’t want everyone and their dog knowing. \r\n\r\nThen, all the sudden she needed to get out of these people’s house for some reason... and so, like the witless young man that I was I got her an apartment and paid for it. (I had spent $5,000 on her in just the first year of our dating, and the trend continued.) \r\n\r\nTo try and be “proper” I didn’t stay in the apartment with her. I slept in my vehicle for months. \r\n\r\nWe had been physically intimate in the past but I never approved. She pressured me, and I told her no on at least 4 occasions. Then I gave in, but told her after the fact that I didn’t want to do that anymore. Not until we were married. But our whole relationship she pushed for more physical intimacy.\r\n\r\nAt this point I was still trying to say no, though I faltered from time to time and eventually failed utterly. At that point I told her that if we were going to live like we were married we needed to just get married. So... we set an appointment at the courthouse and invited no one, since we knew her family (and mine other than my parents) would beat us down, criticizes is, tell us we were doing everything wrong etc... \r\n\r\nAt 21 I was married. \r\n\r\nMy new wife cried all the way home from the courthouse, because we had to elope. We did plan (and did have) a public ceremony later that year, but it was never good enough. \r\n\r\nPretty soon her wedding ring wasn’t good enough either. She wanted a new one. So... thinking it would help “fix” our relationship, I spent an extra $2,500 on a new ring for her... that she eventually broke and lost. \r\n\r\nFrom that point on, my wife became increasingly hateful. She would on a daily basis tell me things like, “I wish you were dead.” “I wish someone killed you.” “I wish you were stoned to death or castrated.” \r\n\r\nAt one point she (in all honesty) tried to convince me to get castrated by a physician before she would ever be “intimate” with me in any way. \r\n\r\nI would get home from work and she would randomly be gone. Sometimes there would be notes like, “I left. Don’t come after me. You will never find me and I’m never coming home.” \r\n\r\nThis happened multiple times. Or she would threaten to have an affair to get “even” with me for my past, or she would walk around outside in her bra with no shirt on to try and make me jealous. \r\n\r\nI tried... I honestly did. I tried everything I could possibly think of to “make things right.” \r\n\r\nBut the struggle was hard and my emotions wore thin. I slipped back into depression, and after being married and dealing with this for 2 years time, I began struggling with porn again. \r\n\r\nWhen my wife found out she doubled her efforts to make me feel like a worthless piece of trash. And she would tell me I was. (And much worse things that I won’t type)\r\n \r\nI probably did... but it feels like I didn’t go a si gle day in the next 6 months without crying. Then... I was finally done. Done trying, done fighting, done apologizing for the same things hundreds of times that were 7 years in my past and had happened years before I even had started dating my wife or even talking to her. \r\n\r\nI grew bitter, resentful, and over time... even hateful on occasion. I never said or did as bad of things as she had done, but I did get pretty rude at times. I would tell her she was the worst thing that ever happened to me... but in truth, she was. I would tell her she was lazy and irresponsible because for the first 3 years of our marriage I worked full time and still did %75 of the cooking and probably %80 of the house work. \r\n\r\nThe tensions grew up until we had our first child and then after he turned 1 things started to mellow. But then randomly she would get enraged about my past again and start everything all up once more. \r\n\r\nAt that point I could only wish that I had thought enough to divorce her before we had any children... but in my still idealistic moral compass... I felt like divorce was never an option. \r\n\r\nBy the time I considered it as perhaps possible... we had a son and I “couldn’t take him away from his mother.” Beside the fact that his mother took up with threatening me with divorce because I was still struggling with porn, and she always insisted that she would take our son and I would never get to be involved in his life. \r\n\r\nLife was nothing but walking on egg shells, wondering if today would blow to hell or not. \r\n\r\nOver time I got more active in my church group and dug myself out of my addiction again. I put off looking at porn and started back on the “right” track. \r\n\r\nMy marriage even improved a little. By that time we had a second child. \r\n\r\nLife was mundane now, still with regular fights and my wife having emotional spasms where she would randomly hate me... but they were fewer. \r\n\r\nThen I got a new job that required me to be gone for about 13 hours a day 5 days a week. I was always exhausted and my wife seemed to start getting more and more annoyed at me as well... for what, I am not sure. Same old same old. \r\n\r\nMy attitude quickly went downhill. She would always wait until I crawled in bed to sleep, then start an argument or fight. Most nights I was getting about 4 hours of sleep. Sometimes less. (Other than the weekend) \r\n\r\nThis continued for a whole year until one day I was exhausted, came home from work, and sat down to balance the check book and get our monthly finances in order. (Because that, as well as most of the grocery shopping was apparently only my job. My wife rarely did either) \r\n\r\nMy son came up asking me to play with him. I was annoyed, but I tried not to show it, and played with him anyways. My wife noticed my attitude and made a snarky remark, criticizing me but I let it go. \r\n\r\nI played with my son for a while, but then he started asking me to help him count. He had known how to count to 5 for a few months, so I started with that. \r\n\r\nHe counted to five 4 times and I told him hood job and encouraged him. Then made the mistake of saying, “Let’s do it just one more time.” \r\n\r\nApparently, he didn’t want to, so he pretended he didn’t know what 4 was. \r\n\r\nMy mood immediately soured and my wife threw another rude comment my way. I got frustrated, but still ignored my wife and told my son all he had to do was say the number then he could go play. He wouldn’t, so I trued to speak calmly and told him. “Ok, well you can stand here while I balance the checkbook. You aren’t allowed to go play until you tell me what four is.” \r\n\r\nAt that my wife commented again and I had put up with enough. I told her she needed to go away. \r\n\r\nA few minutes passed and my son still refuses to say 4, and started stomping and throwing a fit because I wouldn’t let him go play. So I got upset and spanked him. A poor choice on my part. My wife, who thought I was spanking him for not saying 4 stormed in and started saying I was a worthless father and a horrible person, and a handful of other negative comments. \r\n\r\nAt that I stood up and told her very forcefully to get out of the room and leave me alone. \r\n\r\nShe said, “Make me.” \r\n\r\nAnd I made the stupidest decision of my life. I decided to make her. \r\n\r\nI took her arm and put a hand on her back, moving her towards the door to the room. A out half way there she turned around and shoved me hard. I was taken aback. It wasn’t the first time she had been physically aggressive towards me, but I hadn’t expected it and I snapped. I twisted her arm behind her back and pushed her to the door. But she pulled against me and I was afraid I was going to seriously hurt her arm so i let go. \r\n\r\nAt that point she grabbed a big container and tried to bash me in the head. I grabbed that from her and then she grabbed a glass jar and swung at me. Something in my mind was triggered and I darted forward, grabbed her arm, twisted it back behind her back, and kicked her feet out from under her. \r\n\r\nShe didn’t hit the floor hard, I was actually careful to keep the landing soft. \r\n\r\nI knew things were getting way out of hand so I started saying, “We need to stop! We need to stop this!” \r\n\r\nShe then kicked me in the face, got up, punched, slapped, scratched, and bit me... \r\n\r\nI never once hit her. I took her arm again, trying to control her, put her through the door and closed the door between us and held it closed as my wife slammed on it from the other side and tried to get back through. \r\n\r\nApparently my sister and brother had shown up in the middle of the fight and saw half of it. \r\n\r\nMy wife was humiliated about that and called the police. I guess to try and make it seem more... serious. I don’t know. \r\n\r\nThe police showed up and even though I hadn’t hit at all or done anything else hard enough to leave a single mark on my wife, but when I had put her out the door of the room and shut it between us, she had tried to stop me from shutting the door. Apparently her hand had got pinched and her knuckles skinned (at least that’s how she claims it happened) because her knuckles were scratched up and bleeding slightly, I was arrested. \r\n\r\n\r\nI spent 7 days in jail paying for my crimes AND hers. I didn’t know what I was going to do once I got out, but needless to say my emotions were all over the place. \r\n\r\nMy wife, (for her bipolar reasons I guess) hired me a lawyer, didn’t testify against me, and with a 35 day restraining order against me towards my entire family (including my kids) I was released with a $7,500 bond. \r\n\r\nI had been very judicious in previous years with my money, so I was able to get the cash. \r\n\r\nAfter 35 days of not seeing my kids, crying myself to sleep every night, trying to reach out to someone who i thought was my friend who said nothing more to my situation other than “Wow, sorry man. That must suck...” \r\n\r\nI had to go back to court. I was given a plea bargain. My lawyer was convinced that I could get a not guilty verdict if we took it to trial, because of how my wife initiated the physical fight, and tried to keep it going... but in order for me to get not guilty, my wife would likely spend time in jail. \r\n\r\nOur youngest child was under 2 and still breastfeeding, and I knew both my children would cry themselves to sleep without their mother each night. Despite being tempted, because I had to not see my mids for over 35 days, I couldn’t... for the sale of my kids i chose not to go that rout and took the deal they were offering. 1.5 years probation, two separate mandatory counseling sessions equaling a total of 9 months of counseling all at my own expense, and all the court fees. \r\n\r\nSo for the next year and a half I lived in a non stop depression. I went from home at 4 am to work, then counseling two days a week after work, getting home at 11 pm. \r\n\r\nSleep was sparse, money was tight, and I slipped into depression that was worse than any i had ever been in... even in my teens. being in prison had been extremely traumatic for me. I don’t know how to explain why... but maybe because I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would end up in jail... it left me with PTSD. \r\n\r\nI would have nightmares regularly about either being arrested or my wife trying to kill me in my sleep. I had panic attacks every time I saw a cop or policeman. My palms would sweat, I couldn’t calm my breathing, irrational fear took over my mind. All i could think of was being put back in handcuffs and going to prison for another week of solitary confinement. (Yes that’s where I was... because they were... “out of room” everywhere else.) \r\n\r\n\r\nMy depression was crippling. I needed to talk but the only few people I knew who may be trustworthy gave short curt replies. Either they didn’t want to talk about it, or they didn’t know how. \r\n\r\nThen I happened to make a friend online. They were a great friend. They talked about anything and everything with me, but also listened. At first we just made small talk, but then it got more personal. We shared our backstories and life struggles, and eventually we were communicating daily. \r\n\r\nAt first it was all online, then we started texting. Then eventually we started calling on the phone and talking on the way to work, because we both went to work at the same time. \r\n\r\nIt was great... I finally had a friend, I finally had support, I could finally open up to someone about my pain and struggles. But it was a two sided relationship. I listened to the same from them. \r\n\r\nThe only problem? This friend was a woman. Despite my wife and my relationship being in shambles, she was still jealous. I hadn’t hid this friendship from her. It was innocent, in all honesty. But the longer it went the more jealous my wife became. Though there was never any affair and my friend and I never even met in person, my wife became furious and started telling people I was having an affair. \r\n\r\nIn retrospect, my friend did tell me a lot of personal stuff that would seem inappropriate for friends of the opposite gender, but given our deep talks, my need for a friend, and my lack of options... I never thought much of it. I honestly still think that’s juat how she was. I don’t think she ever intended to turn our relationship into anything other than friendship. She was married and so was I. We both knew that and both felt like divorce was wrong. \r\n\r\nAt the same she brought to my attention all the character traits I had always wanted in a woman. I didn’t fall in love, but I did grow to regret my relationship more and wish I had ended up with someone else. \r\n\r\nHowever, since my wife was telling people I was having an affair, I had to end the only true friendship i had ever had in my life. As I have mentioned, I grew up secluded and had no friends, that continued up into adulthood with the exception of one man who was a “friend” but I guess not enough of a friend to be willing (or able) to help me through my struggles... or to even be there for me to talk to. He was the first one I tried reaching out to... and I was basically turned down. \r\n\r\nSo my only friend had to leave my life for good, thanks to my wife. I had to explain the situation to my friend, and then I’ve never spoken to her since.\r\n\r\n\r\n$27,000 later, 1.5 years, and only mild improvement on my nightmares, PTSD, and depression... I had $700 in the bank and my probation was finally over. \r\n\r\nFast forward down the road for 4 years. I have 2 more kids, have had job issues but finally found a good one, and my wife and I are still arguing non-stop. I can’t get over everything... I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard. I still dream about it... I still get extremely nervous whenever I see a police (though it’s generally not a full blown panic attack anymore unless I get taken off guard by flashing lights) \r\n\r\nI’m still depressed and if it weren’t for my kids, I think I would be right back to where I was as a child... praying for God to take my life and let me die. Either that or praying that my wife would die so i could be free and move on... but at the same time... I can’t. For the sale of the kids I can’t even think about asking for such a thing... but I’m so messed up that I would if I didn’t have kids. But, at the same time... at this point if I didn’t have kids I would just get a divorce. But I can’t do that to them. :( \r\n\r\nMy wife has actually improved some and acknowledged some of her faults from the past... but inside she is still a suppressed version of the same person she always has been... she just controls it better, most days. \r\n\r\nI, however, feel like who i used to be is long dead. I’m not even the same person I once was. What’s worse... I don’t want to be. I can’t get over things... and half of me doesn’t want to for fear that all I would be doing is opening myself back up to another betrayal and more pain. \r\n\r\nAnd now... I’m 30 years old, stuck in a relationship that I hate, I’m a cynical, sarcastic, depressed, lonely, melancholy, introverted, jerk. (Because anymore I will openly admit... I no longer try and I give zero quarter to BS) \r\nI’ve started struggling with lust again, though mostly been able to stay away from porn. My wife and I sleep in separate rooms, I can’t stand her family and wish I had never met them... and I feel totally hopeless, helpless, and isolated. \r\n\r\nSo... that’s my rant...","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":13,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/to-make-a-short-story-long/","title":"To make a short story long...","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["TifanniRusadi"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":5,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Ryder_8","TifanniRusadi","Mary5220","ansvia","sharongramma7"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2253,"name":"Other issues","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"4941432290597309990","tracking_id":"4941432290597309990","slug":"jrnl-why-im-here-9","class":"jrnl","created":"2014-05-11T07:53:10Z","active":"2014-05-11T19:17:03Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/JustKati/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"JustKati","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I'm a woman in her mid 40s. I was diagnosed with GAD, Panic and Situational Depression when I was about 30. It seems to be especially triggered by financial issues. I am an only child who was raised by a single mom - therefore we are very close. If I was here about GAD I would not have my photo up there, even if it was taken in 1970 because I would be talking about failed relationships and evil ex-boyfriends but for now this isn't about me - OK it is - *I* am not coping well. GAD is through the roof. Other than my salary I should be happy right now. I survived a few layoffs during the market crash and after 4 years of unemployment cycled with jobs I did not like I am at a company I love with a great boss and a wonderful team.\r\n\r\nThat last part may be relevant to the story I am about to tell about my mother. She is coping. She is fabulous 90% of the time. She thinks there is nothing wrong with her. The other 10% she has panic attacks but I can live with that and I can live with short term memory loss. It's the other stuff I can't deal with.\r\n\r\nTHE OTHER STUFF:\r\n\r\nShe thinks the people on TV talk to her. She thinks some are her friends and some are evil. She is obsessed with some middle aged man who she thinks is out to do us (she and I) and the state harm. She is a very loyal Californian. VERY! She thinks most people around the neighborhood are working for this man. She has tried to show me this man - he has been all sorts of people from a new anchorman, to some TV host or another, to Ewan McGregor, the guy who plays Hook on Once Upon a Time (who is not middle aged but I think the beard makes her think he is) and the last one Ben Affleck. \r\n\r\nThis started when the new TV season started. At first it was an obsession with some daytime show and a soap but now it's become some kind of grand conspiracy theory. She constantly yells at the people on TV and calls them pigs and other less savory things. We live in an apartment building, one I would have love to have left years ago because I am not fond of the apartment manager ever since she brought her trashy HUD friend to live here 7 years ago but on my salary and my moms meager SS check I can't afford a two bedroom anywhere else in a safe neighborhood. The friend brings home ex-cons but except for the time my iPod was stealthily stolen from my car (no glass was broken - someone with skill got past the alarm) they ply their trade elsewhere or they are reformed. They don't last anyway, she's that bad. So yes, I am catty and do not like ex-cons and the same applies to my mom and its worse now. She has also yelled pig and less savory things across the pool at that woman. I saw her once but mostly this happens when she is alone. I had no idea she was yelling at the TV until last night when the owner called me and more or less implied that if it keeps up, we will be evicted. That would be the irony of ironies considering how much I hate this place and how I never bring friends over because that HUD woman is always sitting out there staring. I brought my ex over a few times when my mom was still well and they hit on him or something. He was not amused is all that I know. \r\n\r\n\r\nSo in short for the above part, we are being threatened with eviction from a place I keep trying to figure out how to afford to leave.\r\n\r\nThat is where it stands now, oh before I forget, my mom thinks the apartment manager steals from us -possibly all the tenants, I am not sure. I find most of the things she thinks that woman takes BUT I have not seen the George Forman Grill in 3 years and I've looked. I chose not to replace it. In this case I think she embellishes vs. delusions. \r\n\r\nTHE BACKGROUND:\r\n\r\nLets go back about 3 years....\r\n\r\nChristmas 2011.... my mom's doctor changed her blood pressure meds and she was disoriented all day thinking it was night when it was day, etc. She was fine the next day. I wasn't because Christmas 2011 was the first day of being unemployed for more or less all of 2012. I think I temped for 3 weeks and spent my year home sending out resumes and going on interviews and because I was bored as heck, I would drive my mom to all her doctors appointments, take her with me to run errands etc. \r\n\r\nIn January 2013, I got desperate and interviewed with a company in a field that is totally not me. I worked in radio and TV advertising before I got burned out (see above about GAD at 30 - wait it was 35) and took a totally different job in what I call \"Techterntainment\" which is where film and TV meet technology - mobile games, movie websites, software to delived television programming digitally to stations globally, stuff like that. I work for film studios but in the non \"Hollywood\" division. The studios were still laying off people as of late 2012 so I bit the bullet and interviewed with an accounting firm an interview with a giant panel who spoke to me about marketing and conferences and travel and what a great place to work this was. Blah Blah Lie Lie Lie. They said they were paying a little more than my last job at studio D paid me. They meant including benefits. I would not have taken it had I not been on my last extension and was thinking I was unhireable. It turns out my old salary is unhireable, not me. So at the end of January I had an offer and on 2/1/13 my mom gets sick. I still think it was psychological. She got sick the Friday before I was going to start working after a year of being home with her, keeping her company and taking her out. The doctor said it was an upper GI bleed and because it was Friday they would keep her there and cauterize it on Monday. It sounded simple enough. So off I went to hell (my new job) there were so many hints that I should not have taken it. It was like God was not only talking to me but hitting me on the head with a hammer but I was afraid I would never work again, so the lie about the salary didn't get me to turn it down, my mom getting sick didn't get me to turn it down, my gut when I got there and started reading the paperwork. didn't get me to turn me down although I was ready to. I knew that first day it would be a disaster and I still had no idea what the job was because orientation was at the main office at one end of town but the job was at the satellite office. It was supposed to be Executive Marketing Assistant or something like that. So it ends up being glorified reception in the boonies. Glorified only because while I thought the pay was low for the job I thought I interviewed for, for a receptionist, I was making $20K more than the market rate. Marketing ended up stuffing snail mail spam to try to steal clients from the big accounting firms. The rest was cleaning the kitchen and sitting there doing nothing until it was time to haul in the supplies, haul mail, haul sodas from one kitchen to another. My back was out. \r\n\r\nIn the mean time, they were not able to locate my mom's GI thing so they sent her to this rehab center (code for super depressing nursing home) to recover on a bland diet because she is stable. She throws up everything she eats. She can't hold anything down. This goes on for 10 days until she is throwing up blood again (which is what she went in for in the first place). She goes back to the hospital. April our favorite nurse noticed some bruising on mom's side and that her arm was resting funny. She asked my mom if she fell in the rehab place but my mom couldn't remember much since she hadn't really eaten in 10 days. The nurse did an X-Ray and the arm was not broken only twisted. It still doesn't seem to have full range of motion. I have a similar injury from the accounting job but I know how it happened and I am not a frail, sick 80 year old woman. They aspirate and find the GI bleed this time but since she is so weak after not eating they send her back to the rehab place. She turned 80 in that place. It was so depressing. She wouldn't eat. The food was horrible. and mom has always been a picky eater. I tried to get her to eat but then she made me taste it. How can you mess up toast? They sent her back to the hospital when they said she had anemia. Since she was still so thin they were ready to send her back to rehab. I finally asked if it was medically necessary because mom hated that place, she kept asking me when they were going to send her home. One time she called me at 3am and insisted that I come and spring her so I went over there and talked her into staying. That was early on by this time I was not seeing the results I expected for something so minor. I asked if I HAD to send her there and the doctor said no, so I took her home and took 6 days off and hoped the accountants would fire me. \r\n\r\nWhen I got her home it was tough for her to even lift herself out of a chair. I had a wheelchair in the closet from when she had her knees replace so I had her sit in that because the armrests made it easier for her to get up and sit down. My mom is very feisty and independent which I think is part of this issue. She figured out how to get her walker into our narrow hallway and how to get to the bathroom. I bought her a raised toilet chair and while she wasn't great she was making progress. She as doen to 92lbs from her usual 120. During those first few weeks she had what I can only describe as PTSD. She thought she was there and I was the nurse and she asked me if she knew when I was coming. Then she would come out of it. It was what I have seen on TV as a flashback but without the military battles. That happened a few times it scared me because I thought she had lost her mind but since I was on the Anxiety boards a lot, I read up on the related disorders of which PTSD is one of them. It went away after the time the boards said it would.\r\n\r\nThen came the panic. She had to call me 10 times a day or else she didn't feel safe. She was and still is obsessed with my not going out at night. I told her that once I got a real job I wouldn't be able to talk to her 10 times a day and she said if you aren't miserable at your next job I will call less. She has been true to her word with that. Seeing her this weekend I wonder how much strength of will that costs her. She had only had one panic attack since my new job. Her cellphone died and I had to order a new one. She panicked because I hadn't called her and she couldn't call me and she ran around the building looking for someone to take her to Burbank and check. No one volunteered thank goodness because they would have been roaming around all over Burbank. Studios are huge and they don't let just anyone in. I have pointed out my building but I am not sure she remembers which one it is. When I was in accounting they called me on it - too many cellphone calls in reception. I didn't even have a private line and when I wouldn't answer she would call and call and call and call the workline. If I wasn't there it would rollover to other people and she would keep calling. I finally made sure I only called her cell with my cell so if she hit the dial last number or redial buttons my cell would always be the only number stored on her phone. I told those accountants that I was not going to ask my mom to stop calling an if they didn't like it. Sadly they knew it would be hard to find another desperate patsy to take that job. \r\n\r\n\r\n\r\nCONCLUSION:\r\n\r\nI love my new job but I am on a weird contract that is renewed every year so I can't take that much time off no matter how much my boss loves me and the quality of my work. I'm terrified my work will suffer and that I won't be able to get my mom diagnosed and treated. I'm not sure what my mother has. She is all over the map on weird symptoms. Today we were watching the Nets/Heat game and she told LeBron James and Norm Nixon to stop checking me out. She also thinks the people on TV can see us. I told her LeBron was too young for me and Norm was too old so let them leer, they both seem like they are OK guys just not in the proper age range. At night sometimes she wants to sleep with me. I can't. I am always hot (probably pre-menopausal) and she is always cold (bordeline anemia treated with Ensure of all things). She tried leaving on the light but it was too bright. I got out the Christmas tea lights and laid them out across the table next to the couch... oh yes... the couch. When she got back from the rehab place she just plopped on the small couch and fell asleep in a weird position. I was fine with that because it was easier to sit up from it than from her bed in her room. After a few weeks in the small couch I asked her why she hadn't gone back to her room. She said it was too cold. I got her in her bed once over the summer but she didn't want to stay there so I had her move to the bigger couch where she remains. \r\n\r\nI have no idea what this is and no idea how to cope. I'm seeing a psych (the MD kind) for the first time in my life so she can adjust my meds. My usual cocktail is failing me. I'm a wuss. I'm a spoiled only child. I am not equipped for this.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":3,"url":"/m/JustKati/journal/why-im-here-9/","title":"Why I'm here","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"alzheimers-foundation-of-america","group_id":200038,"name":"Alzheimer's Disease","url":"/groups/alzheimers-foundation-of-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"ifred-anxiety-and-depression","group_id":200040,"name":"Anxiety and Depression","url":"/groups/ifred-anxiety-and-depression/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"4786497272958248726","tracking_id":"4786497272958248726","slug":"jrnl-my-background-part-5-grief","class":"jrnl","created":"2017-05-27T04:59:45Z","active":"2017-05-27T04:59:45Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"ConfusedandAlone","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"My first journal post covers the most recent struggles I'm facing with my current Major Depressive Episode (MDE) but it also mentions the fact that I've struggled with chronic depression and MDEs my whole life. These posts are really just to get things off my mind I guess. And give some background for what I've struggled with throughout my life. Some of the things I've dealt with, but a lot of them I don't think I have. I'm not sure what order makes the most sense but I think I'll start young and work my way up. Maybe someone can relate to some of the things I write about. Maybe someone can help me work through the issues. But My purpose for these posts titled \"My Background\" are kinda just to put my story down in words for myself. Not to seek attention or say I had anything particularly bad- because I have friends who have had much more strenuous lives than myself- but really just to put it out there and hopefully let go of it, for myself. \r\n\r\nFriday morning, July 28th in Bainbridge, Ohio, at my grandmother's house, in her living room, in front of the big sliding glass door overlooking her beautifully blooming garden and the perfectly manicured lawn of the golf course, with a light mist of dew hazing over the grass, surrounded by his whole family, my father passed away. \r\n\r\nThe minutes ticked by like hours at first. As the room realized what had happened quiet tears became choking sobs. My brother stormed out of the house, slamming the sliding screen door behind him. As my cousin and mother backed away I stood up and with my Lola and my Lola Fe (my Dad's Aunt) we began arranging my father's limp body into a more relaxed, prone position, rather than sitting up staring out the window at the beautiful morning. We worked quickly as we could. His body was so weak by the end that rigor was setting in faster than typical. We stretched out his legs and crossed his hands over his chest. We shut his eyes each time they popped open until they stayed shut and we got a bandana to bandage his mouth closed. We wet rags and began wiping down his body. The nurse entered and cleared out the room of most everyone but us. We worked quietly. And she guided the rest of the washing. When he was ready and the people from the morgue arrived to take his body I helped them lift him onto the stretcher. \r\n\r\nI walked out before they zipped him up. I'm not sure if any of the family stayed for that part. I left and went looking for my brother. He was out in the driveway, pacing and huffing and crying. I grabbed him by the shoulders and calmed him with a few words, guiding him away because they were bringing out the body bag and he didn't need to see that. I hugged him to me while they loaded my father's body up into the hearse and drove off. \r\n\r\nI can't say how much I cried that day, or that weekend. I'm not sure exactly what happened after that. I know many calls were made and arrangements that were planned just in case were set into motion quickly. At some point I called my boyfriend, he was still in Texas. He immediately booked a flight to come up. At some point I drove my grandma's car out to pick him up from Pittsburgh, it was the soonest, closest flight. One of the nights my cousin procured some thing to smoke and my brother, cousin and I smoked and drank and played in the basement like we were kids again. Family and friends filled the house every night. Poker games were played and stories were told into the wee hours of the night. At some point someone offered to take me to the store to buy something special to wear to the funeral. I refused. At the time I couldn't bear to waste time or money on shopping for and purchasing a dress that I'd only wear once and want to burn afterwards. Now, looking back at the pictures, I kinda wish I had taken them up on their offer. And yet, I'm also kind of glad, because the pictures show the same sort of relaxed, carefree, happy sort of attire and attitude that my dad had about most things, that my dad would have wanted at his funeral. He wouldn't have wanted some stuffy suit and tie type of ordeal. He would have prefered things were relaxed and happy and a celebration of his life rather than a mourning of his passing. He would've wanted us to always remember the best of him. The comfortable, kid loving side of him that loved to goof off and play jokes on everyone. He would always prefer smiles and laughter to frowns and tears. He's the guy who made people laugh at a funeral and his was surely filled with joy, as was his life. \r\n\r\nHis funeral was on that following Monday, at the same funeral home and the same church so many of our other family members had theirs, including his own father. His casket was filled with flowers and little gifts and trinkets brought by his numerous nieces and nephews. Someone brought a box of his favorite chocolates. He was cremated with all of it. \r\n\r\nMy brother and I spent a whole day searching through an online catalog for the perfect miniature urns for ourselves. When we got back to Texas our Mom worked with us to fill our individual urns and I helped her place him in the vase that she had picked out for him. We eventually found their wedding candle hiding in the garage and she melted it over the top to seal the ashes in. \r\n\r\nAfter the funeral we spent what was left of the originally planned trip in Ohio with our friends and family. For 4th of July that year my brother, my cousin and I spent every cent we had on some nice big fireworks and we raced home to beat the rest of the family and the three of us along with my boyfriend and 2 of my other cousins(my cousin's young sisters) celebrated as my Dad would have loved, by blowing of some great big fireworks in the backyard ourselves and watching numerous other displays all over the night sky. \r\n\r\nWhen we got back to Texas it felt for me, like there weren't anymore plans to think about, and it was hard to get back into the rhythm of normal life again. I started looking and applying for jobs but my boyfriend asked me to move in with him out in West Texas while he finished his degree and I said yes without a second thought. At this point we had been together for 2.5 years and we were both on the path of building a life together. I knew for a fact that he had asked for my father's blessing and that he had received it. It seemed like a simple choice. \r\n\r\nThe rest of that year though was unbelievably tough. Bringing 2 very independent people with 2 very independent lives together is hard enough. but add to that the fact that he was having medical problems involving pain and struggling with school, and I was grieving the loss of my father, whom I was very close to and it just was the perfect storm for trouble. I would definitely call that summer my second MDE. I was grieving practically alone. I didn't have any health insurance so I couldn't see a counselor affordably, and I couldn't find any resources -though I admittedly didn't look very hard. I was in a new and very small city and I knew practically no body. My allergies in that city flared worse than anywhere else I'd lived. I couldn't find work, though again I admittedly wasn't looking all that hard. And to top it all off I had lied to my Dad about graduating. \r\n\r\nYou see, that exam I didn't feel very confident about. I failed it. Thus, failing the class. And that class that I was supposed to finish up those few projects for to pass- I tried but couldn't manage to focus on the work long enough to really accomplish anything. In my grief and depression I seemed to be failing and flailing at everything life was throwing at me. The days turned into weeks turned into months and by the time I looked up the deadline to turn in those assignments had passed. My boyfriend and I were fighting often and were not connecting on multiple levels, leaving me wholly unsatisfied in the relationship. Eventually I found a job, but I hated it. Eventually, my boyfriend and I moved into a new apartment and things got better for a bit, with more space. But not enough apparently. We had just moved in together, just signed a lease with my grandparents as cosigners, just got to a relative calm and started reconnecting, and he decided to end the relationship. \r\n\r\nI was devastated. It had been barely 7 months since my father had passed away and I was in a brand new place that I didn't really like, moved there for this man, was working a job I hated to help support this man, had convinced my family to put their names and credit on the line for me and this man, and he wanted to end the relationship. I fought to save it. I fought and scraped and scratched and tried everything I could to save our relationship. \r\n\r\nAfter 3 months of trying, begging and pleading and working hard. I decided to try one final last effort, I took a leave of absence from work and moved back to my college town, 6 hours away for the summer semester to finish my degree. At the end of the summer semester I finished my last final and I celebrated my accomplishment with my best friend by burning my notes. I was packing up my temporary apartment. I had days left before my boyfriend came down to help me move my things back home when he called me and broke up with me over the phone. Just a month after the 1 year anniversary of my father's death. My last effort wasn't enough for him. I wasn't trying hard enough to move on with my life. I wasn't trying hard enough to start my career. I wasn't trying hard enough to help support him in his life, with his degree. I wasn't trying hard enough to move past my grief. and so he dumped me. \r\n\r\nBut we still had an apartment together. We still had a lease with my grandparents names on it. I still had a job to return to in that godforsaken tiny dusty city in west Texas. So we moved back in together, as exes. It was a weird time. I call it my un-dating phase. As time passed we learned how to be good friends and roommates and not partners anymore. We still succumbed occasionally to our lusts, more often mine than his, as was the case throughout most of our relationship. But we slowly grew out of being in love to something else. Something different. Something complicated and hard to explain but nonetheless romantically dead. I came to realize the true meaning of the end of our relationship could be summed up by the famous Marilyn Monroe quote: \"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.\" That was true of him. He couldn't handle me at my worst, he didn't deserve me at my best. But to this day I still feel a tiny pang of regret and resentment because, what about me? I pushed through. I held on. I persevered in the face of his worst. I was willing to put up with his crap. Willing to sacrifice my happiness to prop him up. Doesn't that mean I deserve him at his best? However, in the time that has passed since I've discovered many things about myself and what I want out of life and out of a partner. I've come to realize and accept that I may always have a special place in my heart that wishes we had worked. But we didn't. We didn't work. We don't work. He's comfortable, he's not special, he's nowhere near perfect for me. \r\n \r\nStill, that year was perhaps the hardest year I've had to endure. I was in a constant state of emotional turmoil and grief. Initially for the death of my father and then quickly compounded on to that the death of my first real relationship, my first real love. \r\n\r\nWhen that lease was finally up a quick series of events happened and I made the fastest decision to pack up and move out and move back in with my mother that I've ever made. In the course of about 4 days I decided to quit my job, rent a truck, divided the few communal things we had purchased together, packed up everything I owned and drove away from him, from that job, from that town and from that life I thought I wanted. \r\n\r\nI will say I got a bit of sweet revenge during those 4 days because he opened back up like a mollusk, lifting back the hard rocky shell he'd shown me for months to reveal the warm, squishy, delicate meat of his heart, and treated me oh so tenderly and softly. He gave me 4 final days of his best and cried real tears and once tried to change both our minds about the end of our relationship. But I got to drive away dry eyed as I watched him shrink away in my mirror, eyes wet and gleaming. That was a good feeling. \r\n\r\nAfter I moved away there was another period of a few months where we both questioned if we were making the right decision. We had RSVP'd months ago to a wedding that spring and we both still wanted to go together, as friends. I'm not sure about him, but for me, that was the last and final ending of our romantic relationship. He was part of the bridal party and I helped out with the setup at the wedding and the reception and with the cleanup at both afterwards. During the reception I got drunk and flirted with a handful of available gentlemen I had never met. I stepped out during the father-daughter dance to ball my eyes out in the parking lot. I expected him to show up and comfort me. He never did. I heard the song stop and eventually gathered myself together enough to return on my own. We danced, and for the first time ever, we or more so, I danced well. It was a wonderful, slow dance. I don't remember the song, but for some reason it was ironically about a breakup. The next bit I sort of regret, but after everything was all cleaned up we headed back to the bride's house for some drinks and I proceeded to get too drunk and locked myself in the car to have a nice cathartic cry. I think I was too loud in my catharsis because twice some of the other guys there tried to come and cheer me up, not understanding that I kinda just needed to let it out. \r\n\r\nEither way, after that wedding I kept my distance from him for a while and by the next time I saw him it was easy to just be friends. \r\n\r\nAs with many forms of grief there are still some moments where some old feelings come back, but they are fewer and much more fleeting now, despite him becoming a larger presence in my life again recently. As I said we managed to become good friends, to be adults about it. He's a great person and I'm a great person, and we get along well about a lot of things. It feels like a much more mature place to be in with my ex than hating him or wanting nothing to do with this person that I, at one point in my life, wanted to share my life with. \r\n \r\nThis post was about grief and honestly most of the grief I discussed in this post hasn't fully gone away and I could definitely use some professional help working through this but having experienced it I also feel confident and comfortable talking about anything mentioned so if you have any comments or questions or commiserations please feel free to share them.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":0,"url":"/m/ConfusedandAlone/journal/my-background-part-5-grief/","title":"My Background, Part 5: Grief","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"2164004635810152840","tracking_id":"2164004635810152840","slug":"disc-how-should-i-feel-about-familys-reaction-sexual-harassment-from-brother","class":"disc","created":"2020-02-06T08:18:24Z","active":"2020-04-19T05:06:23Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"reptile_lvr","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I feel like I have run out of any kind of benefit talking about this topic to my family. I never imagined I would be sharing this kind of information to strangers online, and I can't afford a therapist and am unsure if I even qualify for needing one anyway. I'm not sure where to start, so I will just start from the beginning.\n\n**SHORT VERSION**\nIn case you don't feel like reading my entire book here. \nAt 14, I caught my step brother watching me shower and undress through a gap in the bathroom door. We were the same age. He had been touching me in oddly inappropriate ways and I wasn't sure if it was intentional or not. I kept it a secret for over a year, covering myself with the shower curtain when I undressed. I finally told my mom and asked her not to tell his dad. I didn't want him to get so angry at him. She helped me with ways of preventing him from seeing me but he would undo what we fixed and the touching got worse. I told his dad and he didn't want to believe me until I made him watch video proof. They still did nothing. I asked them not to, but I was a scared kid. I feel like they should have addressed it anyway. He got caught in the act watching me one day and his dad told him not to do that ever again. It stopped for years. Skip to a year ago and I caught him watching me through the door again. I sent him a message to never do that again or I'd knock his lights out. I told both mom and stepdad again. I'm not one for confrontations so I wanted them to handle it and ask him to leave. They never did and so i moved out for 3 months until I finally convinced them to encourage him to move in with his grandparents. I moved back in but he kept showing up at the house and everyone treated him like nothing was wrong. I would go in my room while he was there and had to listen to them laughing and telling jokes like he did nothing to me. I felt like I was pushed aside and that his feelings were more important than mine in this matter, even though I was the victim. I finally texted him after he showed up and ruined my day at the fair with my niece and I was forced to sit in the car for two hours while they were out having fun. I told him to back off and how no one else would deal with this crap but me and how it was wrong of him to push his presence on me so often without thinking of my feelings. He stopped coming over and coming to all our family outings. But, I still feel as though I wasn't treated right by my family. I still have a lot of anxiety and fears from those years of him harassing me. I try and ignore it and I still love my family a lot. But if some random person did that to me, they would be outraged and be so supportive. I feel like they treated him as if he were the fragile one and didn't take my feelings into consideration. They never fussed at him once, promised to talk to him all the time and never did, stuff like that. Just let him keep coming around and doing whatever he pleased knowing how much it bothered me. Any advice on how I can get over these hard feelings toward my family and should I feel guilty for wishing he had to deal with some coldness and consequences for his actions? \n***********\n\nFULL VERSION\nI am a 22 year old girl now. My mother got divorced when my older sister and I were small. She remarried when I was 11 to a man with 2 sons. We were all three in the same grade together. One was a year older but had been held back in school. So, we were pretty close at the beginning, especially me and the youngest. We would play together all the time and were constantly joking with each other and grew close. Then as we got older the next couple years, we just grew apart and I didn't feel close enough to hardly even speak to them. They stayed in their room playing video games. Around the time I had just turned 14, I noticed he started to touch me all the time. Any time he passed me, he HAD to poke my shoulder or flick my hair. He still didn't talk to me. Suddenly, he started joking with me and being really friendly. He would hug me awkwardly and one time he grabbed me from behind like he was play fighting but I felt really uncomfortable because I could feel him pull my butt into his groin area. I didn't take much offense to it and figured that was not his intention, but I felt really creeped out by him since. \n\nHere is where it gets going. I was showering one night in our shared bathroom. I was hearing weird little sounds from the door but thought it was my dog. I got out and was getting dressed when I started hearing barely audible sounds from right outside the door. The door facing has a very slight opening in it that you have to be right against to be able to see out/in. I looked through that and saw him on his hands and knees looking under the door. I didn't realize at first what he was doing, I was just confused. I kept trying to make excuses for him in my mind. When it dawned on me that it was for sure him trying to watch me shower and see me undressed, I totally panicked. I was 14, still a kid. I didn't want to tell on him and ruin his life and mark him as a sex offender (this is what was the logical outcome to me at that age.) So, I kept it secret for over a year. I would undress inside the shower, hidden by the curtain. I would then wrap my towel around me and stand squarely in front of the door so he couldn't see anything under or at the sides of the door. I figured he would notice all the behaviors I was showing and realize I knew what he was doing and stop. He didn't. I had to listen to his breathing and movement outside the bathroom anytime I went in. I felt so helpless and used. I hated him. Hated pretending nothing was wrong, hated hearing his voice, hated that he was getting away with hurting me. But, I still loved him and thought that I could deal with it as a sacrifice for not destroying his life. I know now, I was just allowing him to hurt ME and MY life. I wasn't helping him at all.\n\nFinally, I realized he had real issues and needed to be stopped. I needed to tell an adult. I told my mom. She was so mad at him, and promised she would take care of it. I begged her not to tell my step-dad, his father. I didn't want him to be furious and disown him (again, my kid brain logic.) She put calking in the door frame to seal the gaps and I started stuffing a towel under the door. I could still hear him. He kept doing little inappropriate touches, obviously grinding his junk on my butt. One time I was dozing on the couch and the dog had curled up between my legs with her head resting on my pelvic bone. She did this a lot. I woke up to him \"petting\" the dog's head. His face was so close to my crotch and his fingers were purposefully rubbing my vagina over her head. I shoved him away and glared at him. He laughed and asked if he had scared me, that he was only trying to sneak a pet without waking me. I knew it was getting worse. After that, I hid my phone and got him on video outside the door. He even went and got a butter knife from the kitchen and started prying at the gap in the door to pop loose the gap again so he could see. He was out there the whole time I was in there, it was so horrific to watch him preying on me like that. It was then that my mom convinced me to let her tell his dad. He wouldn't believe me. I said I had video, he refused to watch it. Mom told him she had seen it and I was telling the truth. He watched it and had to accept it. Still they did nothing. Mom started sitting outside the door every time I needed to bath, but she wasn't always home. Granted, I was asking them not to confront him because of embarrassment, but now I feel like they should have been the grown ups and told me it was something that had to be addressed. Finally, my step dad caught him doing it while I was showering in their bathroom. He took him outside and told him he better not catch him anywhere near the bathroom while I was in there. No mention of therapy or talking beyond that. \n\nHe kept trying to be so friendly to me and joke with me but I kept myself at a distance and eventually- I guess he figured out that I knew what he had done- he left me alone. We barely spoke for years even though we lived in the same house and I was happy with that. Last year, we started talking a bit more. We were both 21, in college, and he seemed to have matured. He would show me funny videos and I started feeling like I got my brother back. The relationship we had at the beginning. We hadn't been using our bathroom for months, my senior dog got cancer and lost control of his bodily functions, so when we were out, we put him in there. It stayed stinky even though I cleaned it daily. After he died, I cleaned it out really well so we could start using it again. At this point, both my older sister and his brother had gotten married and moved out so it was just us two and our parents. I took the first shower in there on a Sunday morning, getting ready for church. I heard a noise outside the bathroom and felt the familiar burn and twisting feeling in my gut. But, that always happened when I was undressed or bathing now, for any sound. Then I heard breathing. I stuck my face to the gap and there he was. I could see his hair and his eye staring back at me. He jumped away and ran back to his room. I felt more betrayed than ever. I was furious, I wanted so badly to scream at him and punch his lights out. I wanted to hurt him like he hurt me. That was the first time I felt angry at him. But, I made myself calm down. I sent him a message that I knew he had done it again and that I better not ever catch him there again or I would beat him and post everything on FaceBook for everyone to know. \n\nI told my mom and step dad I caught him again. This time I told my sister too. She had never known it happened in the first place and we are very close. I was that anxious and embarrassed and scared. I didn't want them to kick him out on the streets, but I did expect they would make him go live with his grandparents. They would readily take him and not question it, so that was the best option for everyone. THEY NEVER MADE HIM LEAVE! They never even talked to him until a month later when I blew up on them. About a week after I caught him, I stayed locked in my tiny room. I only came out to use the bathroom and grab food. I kept headphones in so I wouldn't hear them out there laughing like nothing was wrong. My mom spoke like she supported me and like something had to be done, but she wouldn't say anything to my stepdad. She and him both were in a rough spot with this and how to handle it correctly and I wanted to be understanding for that. I didn't demand for them to disown him or cut off all ties... but I wanted to feel safe and comfortable in my own home. I felt like prey, like I was constantly being watched and stalked. I kept digestive issues from the nerves and my anxiety spiked so high. I started having panic attacks, but I haven't told anyone about that for fear they will claim I'm being dramatic. One day, my sister and I were talking and I decided to move in with her. Everyone was at work, so I moved my bed and some clothes and supplies I needed to her house before they got home. I needed help from my mom or step dad to carry the mattress down to her house, so I had to wait until they got home. My mom was so mad at me for leaving. She got even more mad when she told me to run up to the house to get something and I said I didn't want to because he was up there alone. She slammed the door and walked out. When my stepdad wasn't there, she didn't act like this. I know it put a strain on their marriage, and I still feel guilty for that. \n\nI lived with my sister for around 3 months in her husband's mechanic supply storage room. There was just enough room for my bed and a walkway to it. I was so thankful to them for housing me in my time of need, but I was also getting more and more angry that nothing was being done about it. We all agreed that it would do much better coming from his dad or my mom. We talked about requiring him to get therapy and moving out. But it seemed they were too worried about hurting his feelings or upsetting him... while I sat in my sister's storage room breathing in car chemicals and brake cleaner in a 3x5 space. He got to stay home. I should have demanded he leave or I tell or press charges, but I am not one for confrontation and would never have the nerve to say those things. It's pathetic how much I let myself get walked on, and I'm aware of it, but can't change it. I finally had enough and kept ranting to them about it until they agreed to talk to him. He still stayed weeks past that, but finally left. I moved back into my room then. \n\nI thought it was over, but he was still coming to our house all the time. He would show up and spend the night. I would get mad and walk out with a pillow and blanket and sleep on my sister's couch. Mom would get mad at me for not telling anyone I was leaving. This kept happening until I was fed up. I decided one night that if he didn't leave and they let him stay again knowing how much it hurt me, I was leaving. I would quit my job, pack everything up, and move hours away to live with a cousin. I am a huge family and hometown person, so this was huge for me. He did leave and I told them my plan and they made him start asking before he came. He was always pushing his limits. Finally it wasn't too bad. He would come a few times a week in the evenings. I still felt as though his dad should go see HIM instead of him coming to our house. But whatever, I could breathe a little. I got more worried and frustrated with the situation with time, becoming more against him and less love. I have a very hard time thinking badly of people. He would show up to family outings when my stepdad would invite him without telling me. Constantly. Finally just a few months back after he ruined my day at a fair with my niece, I sent him a text and basically blew up on him. Told him how much of a jerk he was for ruining my time with my family with no regard for my feelings and how I certainly never asked for a brother who got off on seeing his sister naked. I told him to back off and start seeing everyone on his own time- not mine. He hasn't been back to the house since. \n\nI should feel happy with this, but I don't. I still feel so anxious anytime I change clothes, even in the comfort of my own room. I still stand in front of the door to undress no matter where I am and can't make myself break the habit, I still listen closely for any sound outside the bathroom, and my heart still drops and I feel panic in my gut when I hear someone anywhere near the door even though I know he isn't in the house anymore. People go through so much more than this and I can't imagine what it is like for them. I feel like he messed up a fair portion of my mental health and caused me to have stronger anxiety just from his vague touching those years ago and his watching me. He still is treated like he did nothing wrong. As if he didn't commit a crime on me. In my state laws, I could have him in jail for like 5 years for invading my privacy like that. I have ignored it for so long and pretended like everything is okay. \n\nWe watched a movie tonight and my stepdad called him on speakerphone without a mention of what he was doing. I was laying there so relaxed and happy then all of a sudden I hear his voice booming through the room. I got up and left immediately. My chest hurt for hours with anxiety and I couldn't even do the dishes to get my mind off it because I kept dropping everything from my shaky hands. I finally just went to my room and cried it out. It's crazy how people can easily hurt you so badly. I'm not even sure why I react so strongly to him. \n\nEveryone still laughs with him and loves on him. I see pictures of him holding my 2 year old niece and I feel sick to my stomach at the sight of him anywhere near her or touching her. My sister was my biggest supporter and even she still engages in conversations with him all the time. It isn't that I expect everyone to cut him out or be mean to him or stop loving him, but I feel like he got away with everything he did to me with a mere scolding and slap on the hand. I don't wish for them to never speak to him or treat him like an alien, but he NEVER had any of them get mad at him. Never got fussed at, never had a consequence (he was already planning to move in with his grandparents to begin with), never had anyone call him out on his crap but me. Should I feel bad for wishing he had to deal with at least some coldness from our loved ones for what he did to me? How can I help myself feel better and get over these negative feelings of being pushed aside and betrayed by my family?","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":5,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/how-should-i-feel-about-familys-reaction-sexual-harassment-from-brother/","title":"How should I feel about family's reaction? Sexual harassment from brother.","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":4,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["samcam1997","monapalmer8170","Wuryur","Ricky-H"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2255,"name":"Family and caregivers","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"10469486538390159449","tracking_id":"10469486538390159449","slug":"jrnl-my-story-zie7jk","class":"jrnl","created":"2022-04-30T05:15:52Z","active":"2022-05-01T22:32:07Z","updated":"2022-04-30T14:41:16Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Listening_Owl7/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Listening_Owl7","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Chtml xmlns=\"http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml\">\u003Chead>\u003C/head>\u003Cbody>\u003Cp>This is a brand new experience for me. I am taking a leap of faith and hoping this is more rewarding than my fear is of being vulnerable. I was seen today by a psychiatrist for the first time in my life. After less than an hour assessment, I received the diagnoses of MDD, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I'll try not to make this too long and add a little humor along the way.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>My life has been one traumatic experience after another. I really try to not let it get me down though. I was abused mentally, physically, and emotionally as a small child (5-6 years old) and sadly to this day remember some of it. Mostly due to the PTSD and nightmares I've had repeatedly for the last 29+ years. I was put in therapy after I finally had the guts to tell my mother the hell my sisters and I had endured. The therapist couldn't handle what I told her about the abuse us girls had gone through, and ended up leaving the practice and left me with severe trust and abandonment issues. My mother never stepped up and made me talk to another therapist. Instead, I coped with things the best way a 6 year old could.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was forced to grow up at a very young age. My mother was a single parent and was working multiple jobs to feed 5 children. By the age of 7, I was taking on major roles of cooking, cleaning, and caring for my younger siblings. I was the second oldest.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was traumatized again around the age of 10 from my school bus being t-boned by a semi on a school field trip out of state. I have serious phobias of semis now with a heaping side of anxiety to go with.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>My mother neglected me in several areas of my life as I was growing up and I was forced to make very adult like decisions as a child. I always felt like the black sheep of the family. I had little to no guidance on puberty or a menstrual cycle, besides the information that was given to me in health class. I was of course too afraid to ask the teacher more detailed questions in front of the whole class and too embarrassed to ask in private. When I'd ask my mother a question relating to either topic, I was never given much of an answer. \"Heavy menstrual cycle, that's normal, mine was the same way, we have bad genetics when it comes to that\" would be my answer. \"You just have to suck it up.\" That was the best advice my mother could give me. Come to find out years later, its not normal to go through what I went through for years.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I ended up in a very abusive marriage. I was too dumb and blinded by \"love\" to see all the warning signs. I was so infatuated with the idea of love, something I feel I had very little of in life growing up, that I settled for less than I deserved. Looking back now, I would love to go back to my past self and slap myself silly until I could see what a mistake I was making. Ending that marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me. In reality, I shouldn't be here today and be able to share my story. My ex-husband was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive towards me, held me at gun point, pulled the trigger, and thankfully, the gun misfired. I miscarried the only child I would ever get the opportunity to have. Looking back now, I am so thankful that I was not able to have a child with my ex-husband, but also deeply saddened that events later in life would cause me to never be able to have biological children of my own.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>When I get down on myself, I think back to that moment. A higher power must truly have something planned for me to have let me walk away from that. It reminds me that I haven't fulfilled my purpose yet here on Earth and even on my darkest days gives me a sense of purpose, even if its only the tiniest sense.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>If you're still reading, there is good in my life as well. I am not seeking pity or sympathy for the events that have happened in my life. Without these experiences, I wouldn't be the person I am today. A strong independent woman, who is extremely stubborn, and is human with imperfections like everyone else. After my divorce, I became very in tune with myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I was in the best mental state of mind of my life to this day. I knew from that point on, I would never settle for less than the best.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I met my current husband about a year after my divorce. I try not to believe in coincidences, but my husbands birthday falls on the same day my divorce finalized. He is the 360 that has forever changed my life. The most stable relationship and joy of my entire life thus far. I was very broken when I met him, and through all of my triggers and imperfections, found out for the first time what true love was. Now, this isn't a sappy love story I promise you that. My husband and I never fought. We communicated very well. Well, that is until about 4 years ago.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Four days after my 32nd birthday, my life was completely turned upside down. I was totaled out in car wreck. I can't go into those details of the wreck due to currently being in a lawsuit. I thought I was fine after the wreck mentally, but I was in for the surprise of my life, because this has been the most mentally, physically, and emotional event to ever take place in my life. This has been the hardest thing for me to process and accept. For almost 4 years, I have been in a depression that keeps getting deeper and deeper and trying to handle the PTSD on my own. I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that this event would be the thing that finally broke me into a million little pieces.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I have injuries from the wreck that have debilitated my quality of life. I recently had to have an endometrial ablation done and now I will never be able to have biological children of my own. Mentally, all this trauma has caused me to shut down completely. Even to my husband who I had once had such great communication with. Its like I woke up one day and didn't even know who I was. I see myself going through the motions of life, but don't feel like it's actually me. I never really understood the outer body experience until all of this. The depression and physical pain has proven to be too much for me to handle on my own. I tried to hold my own before finally reaching out to seek the help I so desperately needed for my mental health.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>This depression has had such a tight hold of me. Sucked me into a black hole with no signs of light ahead. I am currently grieving myself. I know how crazy that sounds, but I have lost all joy in life in general. I'm struggling to find my personality. Struggling to find new hobbies. I feel like the best part of me died in the wreck. I started talking with a Therapist a few weeks ago. I was surprisingly shocked at how quickly I was to bust at the seams and let everything spill out of me with having previous abandonment issues with a therapist as a child.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>For the first time in my life, I had given up all hope and the will to fight for my wellbeing, and apparently that was exactly what I needed to happen to be able to talk about what I am going through. I shut down in the worst way possible. I've pushed everyone I love away, so that I don't bring them down with my depression. Thankfully, I have a husband who is persistent and oh so patient with me. Without him, I'm not so sure that I would be here today. To my youngest sister and brother who battle their own mental, physical, and emotional disorders daily and refer to me as \"mamacita\" to this day give me a sense of purpose even when I feel I don't deserve it. To my nieces and nephews who hold me in such a high place when I feel like I don't deserve to be their role model or looked up upon as a greater person than I feel I am.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The moral of my story is simply this. You don't ever know what someone else is going through. Try not to judge others. We all have our masks we put on to get through our daily lives. It's never too late to ask for help. Even when we feel we don't deserve it. Using life experiences to guide others and connect with someone on a deeper level could save someone through this crazy thing we call life. \u003C/p>\u003Cp>A diagnosis doesn't change who we are as people. A diagnosis for me lets me know that this is not my fault and is not something I can control on my own. That I'm not completely alone even when I feel like it's me against the world. That I'm not weak because I asked for help. I am stronger from this experience, because I knew something was wrong and I had the ability to acknowledge it and sought the help I so desperately needed.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I feel such a huge relief of the weight being lifted off of my shoulders by sharing. I hope in some way, I have helped someone else who feels as empty, hopeless, and worthless as I have been feeling. Please, feel free to add me as a friend. I would love to talk with others who are having just as hard of a time as I am with life. Together, we will get through this crazy thing called life.\u003C/p>\u003C/body>\u003C/html>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":2,"url":"/m/Listening_Owl7/journal/my-story-zie7jk/","title":"My Story...","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Mandymuff"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Mandymuff","jacobtm"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Diane5127","emodump","Mandymuff"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"9741683491413105677","tracking_id":"9741683491413105677","slug":"disc-how-to-cope-with-sensory-overload-type-anxiety","class":"disc","created":"2021-02-08T21:45:14Z","active":"2021-02-09T02:51:33Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"anonymous12223","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I have Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. I have had it most of my life but I have been medicated since I was 13. I am now 21 (also a male, if that is relevant). Most of my issues I have solved through years of therapy and trying many different drugs to find the right one (I am thankful everyday for the support of my family). I am not really socially anxious anymore and I don't worry about what people think of me nearly as much (half thanks to my medication and half thanks to just putting myself out there over and over and facing my fears) but I still struggle with symptoms that seem like they are social anxiety. When I'm hanging out with people (even people I don't know very well), I'm generally totally comfortable until the numbers start to get big. This is very noticable for me since I am in a fraternity and generally help to set up the parties so I'm there for pretty much the entire party. Once a certain number of people are around I get very uncomfortable and I get this weird \"brain fog\" where I can't think straight. The more people talking at once and the louder they are talking, the stronger the effect. It is to the point that there is a certain bar where I live that I can't be in there for any long periods of time because the music is super loud and people have to yell over it so it creates a lot of noise. I sometimes wonder if this has something to do with the fact that I am empathetic to an extent that it is harmful to me. Essentially I actually feel the things that I see/hear/feel other people feeling. Certainly not to the full extent, but the effect is pretty potent just the same. I mostly watch cartoons for this reasons because seeing the expressions of good actors during sad scenes (depictions of grief/loss usually) is too much for me. It almost feels like when I'm at a big gathering my brain is trying to decipher the feelings of everyone around me and empathize. Has anyone else ever felt like this? \n Does anyone know of anything that might help besides what I've already tried? I won't be changing my medication; although this symptom is definitely still something I struggle with my life has been vastly improved by my current medication regimen. I used to think that my empathetic nature was a gift and a burden I must bear to realize my full potential and my purpose bestowed. I still feel it was an important gift but I'm beginning to believe that finding some way to control it certainly wouldn't be a bad thing.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":6,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/how-to-cope-with-sensory-overload-type-anxiety/","title":"How to cope with \"Sensory Overload\" type anxiety?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["mich_can_sing","Mcat6"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["mich_can_sing","Mcat6"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Emotionaldestress30","mich_can_sing","Mcat6"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2241,"name":"Anxiety and phobias","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"7512371921689722786","tracking_id":"7512371921689722786","slug":"jrnl-family-and-children-with-autism-syndrome","class":"jrnl","created":"2010-10-10T20:29:34Z","active":"2010-10-10T20:29:34Z","updated":"2010-10-10T21:02:13Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Ogbuja/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Ogbuja","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"What is Autism?\r\n\r\nAutism, also called autistic disorder, appears in early childhood, usually before age 3 (National Institute of Health, 2001). Autism can develop during different stages of infancy and early childhood, but it is classified as autism only if it arises by the age of three (American Psychiatric Association, 1994). Autism affects more than six out of every 1,000 children. Conceptually, autism is not a disease but is categorized as a symptom. It ranges in severity from a handicap that limits an otherwise normal life to a devastating disability requiring institutional care (WebMD, 2008). Since this handicap requires institutional care, Autism is considered the most disabling of pervasive development disorders, a series of disorders that affect intellectual skills; responses to senses; and the ability to communicate. The etiology of autism, with its pervasive, disabling effects on child developmental processes, is still not known, although all evidence points to biological factors as being prominent in its etiology (Urdang 2002). Biological factors make autism pervasive in developmental delay in children. Developmental delay is milder form of autism known as pervasive developmental disorder or PDD. Pervasive developmental disorders which seriously affect language, socialization, and behavior, include several specific syndromes (such as Asperser disorder and Rett disorder). Studies estimate that as many as 12 in every 10,000 children have autism or a related condition (U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 1999). The word autism which has been in use indiscriminately for about 100 years, comes from the Greek word autos meaning self. This very term describes conditions in which a person is removed from social interaction hence an isolation of self. Eugene Blecher, a Swiss psychologist was the first person to use the term in assessment and diagnosis. Blecher started using the term around 1911 to refer to one group of symptoms of Schizophrenia. But in 1940 some researchers in the U.S began to use the term autism to describe children with emotional or social problems. The description between Autism and Schizophrenia then remained linked in the mind of researchers until the 1960s. It was only then that medical professionals began to have a separate understanding of autism in children and families.\r\n\r\nAutistic children who are very sensitive maybe greatly troubled-sometimes even painted-by sound, touches, smells or sight that seem normal to others. They may have repeated body movements such as rocking or hand flapping. They may have unusual responses to people, attachment to objects, resistance to change in routines and/or aggressive or self injurious behavior. As a result, Autistic children fail to develop normal relationship with anyone, including parents. As infants, they may resist affection or consistently cling to someone. As they grow older, they may not seek comfort if they are hurt, and may generally like to play alone. At times, they may seem not to notice people, objects or activities in their own given surroundings. Some children with Autism develop seizures in some cases not until the age of adolescence. Many remain mentally retarded, although most people with PDD have normal or even above-average intelligence. Often times they show uneven skill development. Some have problems in certain areas especially the ability to communicate or relate to other children. While these children may have problems in communication, they also have the tendency to developed skills in other areas of life, such as drawing, creative music, solving math problems or memorizing facts. For some unknown reason, autistics children may test higher-perhaps even in the average or above average range-On non verbal intelligence tests. Permit me to sound imaginary here. John has great difficulty interacting with other students and family members. He has strong receptive language skills, but has difficulty expressing himself in writing and in speaking. He has trouble understanding what fellow students think and what family members feel. This makes it hard for him to express himself either in words or through gestures, facial expressions and touch. John uses a computer for writing at all times. Despite the fact that he uses computer, John is fascinated with algebra and numbers. Sometimes, it is difficult to get him to do anything but mathematics in the classroom or at home because it is his favorite thing to do. He also has great difficulty attending activities or displays any organizational skills. These characteristics make John an autistic student for special education teachers or autistic patient to psychiatric care providers. \r\n\r\nAutism spectrum disorder (ASD) has a broad diagnosis that includes people with IQs and mental retardation. Exploratory as well as quantitative studies have shown that it is three times more common in boys than in girls (National Institute of health, 2001). Because it is common in children (boys), this disorder prevents children and adolescents from interacting normally with other people and this affects almost every aspect of their social, psychological development and wellbeing. Autism affects social and communication skills and, to a greater or lesser degree, motor and language skills (Rudy, 2007). Children with Autism can be chatty or silent, affectionate or cold, methodical or disorganized. Despite the fact that Autistic children have difficulty in speech and communication skills, studies lack adequate demonstration when it comes to differences in communication and non communication skills. In a recent study conducted by Hsu-Min Chiang and Yueh-Hsien Lin (2007) on expressive communication skills of children of Australian and Taiwanese children with Autism who had limited spoken language reveal no significant differences existed in the characteristics of expressive communication between children with speech and those without speech. Both authors admit that no significant differences existed in characteristics of expressive communication between children who used aided augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) and those who did not use aided AAC. Children with this disorder initiates fewer bids for interactions, commented less often, continued ongoing interactions through fewer conversational turns, and responded less often to family member communication bids (Jones et al, 2008).\r\n\r\nOften times these children are visual thinkers. They think in pictures and not in language. All their thoughts are like videotapes running in their cerebral imagination. In trying to educate children with autism Grandin (2002) enjoined parents and classroom teachers to take a toy airplane and say up as they make airplane take off from a desk. Grandin further state that some children with autism learns better if cards with words up and down are attached to toy airplanes. The up card is attached when the plane takes off. The down card is attached when the plane lands. This analysis brings us to a quarry. Should we then query whether adults who love to play draft (Uno) morning and night are autistic when they were young? This question requires further exploration by psychiatrists and special education teachers. While we wait for answers to this query, new studies show that children with autism have problems with remembering reality in sequence or in coherence. Because they are not good in this area, many of them compensate their weakness in drawing art and computer programs. Majority of autistic children are quickly fixated on new area of strength. Many have problem with motor control in their heads. They hate sound like fire alarm; fire crackers or the sound of a chair scraping on the floor or the sound of siren (fight-fighters). In fact, they are bothered by visual distractions and fluorescent lights. Autistic children who are hyperactive always fidget. They sing better than they can speak. They respond better when words and sentences are sung to them like bed time lullabies. They lack the ability to process visual and auditory input at the same time. Sequencing is difficult for these lovely kids. Also, fussing-eating has been found to be associated with this disorder. \r\n \r\nMatthew' s Story of his experiences (As narrated by Mary)\r\n\r\nMarys son, Matt is a highly accomplished professional jazz musician, with many public appearances and several CDS to his name-and he was not even a teenager yet! Matt lives with his parents and his little sister in Boston Massachusetts. According to Mary, Matt was born different. He was always different from other children, even from birth. He was colicky for four months, crying inconsolably everyday for five hours. None of any standard calming techniques worked with him. None of the baby-setting ploy worked with him either. Matthew would not ride in a car seat like most children do. He would scream hysterically until we stopped and took him out of the seat. As you can guess, we never went anywhere and we never arrives our destination in time. Changing Dippers and giving baths were traumatic time consuming and exhausting. All Matthew wanted to do was to be nursed, in the dark, with nothing going on around him. He was very jumpy, never slept, and was very fussy. He would line-up toys and does things over and over again. Matt would be traumatized if one of his rituals could not be followed exactly as he expected it should be. Heâ€™d usually be dismantling something he should be touching, or running away from any sort of interactive experience. Every outing ended in a tantrum. What misled us was the fact that Matthew had an extensive vocabulary power (because he was hyper-lexical), and he was highly intelligent. We thought his hyperactivity and distinction were due to his constant curiosity about how things worked. Matthew was extremely defensive in response to sensory input. We could not watch television when he was around. Vacuum noise, popcorn poppers, any unusual sound around the house or outside the play ground would cause him to cover his ears and become angry and agitated. He was also tacitly defensive and highly preservative. His saving graces were his hyperplasia and extreme intelligence.\r\n\r\nSigns/symptoms of autism\r\n\r\nAutism has a wide variety of characteristics ranging in intensity from mild to severe. A child with autism does not behave like other children with the same diagnoses. Children and adolescents with autism typically:\r\n-have difficulty communicating with others children because of language need.\r\n-They have extreme difficulty learning language. Sometimes, they make inappropriate response to people.\r\n-A child with Autism may avoid eye contact with people, and can resist being picked up or cuddled. Often times appear to be tuned out from this world.\r\n-He can have inability to do things in a normal way or have reduced ability to play cooperatively with other peopleâ€™s feelings.\r\n-May need a rigid, highly structured routine and can become very distressed by changes in routines.\r\n-Show extreme hyperactivity or unusual passivity and extreme resistance to change.\r\n-Repetitive body movements including pacing, hand flicking, twisting, spinning, rocking or hitting oneself.\r\n-Insensitive to pain or lack of response to cold or heart.\r\n-Impulsive behavior and no real fear of changes.\r\n- An unusual attachment to inanimate objects such as toys, strings or spinning objects.\r\n-Frequent crying and a display of continuous tantrum for no apparent reason.\r\n-He can have peculiar speech patterns. An autistic child may use words without understanding their meaning.\r\n-An Autistic children show abnormal responses to sensation such as lights sound and touch. At times a child may appear deaf. At other times he may be extremely distressed by everyday noises.\r\n-Some of these symptoms occur in children with other disabilities where symptoms change as the child grows old.\r\n-Exhibit repetitious behaviors, such as rocking back and forth, head banging, or touching or twisting objects.\r\n-Have a limited range of interests and activities.\r\n-An Autistic child may become upset by a small change in his environment or daily routine.\r\n\r\nChildren and adolescents with autism experience hypersensitivity to hearing, touch, small, or taste (NMHIC, 2008). Other symptoms can be seen in early infancy, but the condition may appear after months of abnormal development. In most cases, it is not possible to identify a specific event that triggers this particular trait. Judy (2007) and some psychiatric researchers identified common traits as: failure to tell how it actually happened. For them saying one thing and meaning another thing simply a misnomer. To them reality-show is real and a good word from a person on the spectrum is real deal. People with Autism spectrum live in the moment. They love practical issues that confront them. They love to attend sensory input that surrounds them. Judy further notes that confronting practical issues have helped autistic patients to achieve the ideals of mindfulness. Autistic children are talented in professional skills like engineering, technology, craft, architecture and music. They hardly judge other individuals or criticize their conduct. Sometimes, they see things just on the surface appearance to discover real life situation on the inside. Because they do not judge people, Autistic children seem to be passionate. They are passionate about beautiful houses, about flashy cars, about good paying jobs and about animals. They are passionate and idealistic about abstract things, ideas and the people in their lives. \r\n\r\nChildren with Autism are not tied down to any social expectations. What matters to them are true liking, interest and passion, not keeping up with the Joneses (Rudy, 2007) People with Autistic syndrome have terrific memories. They have photographic memory compared to their peers in matters of critical details. They are capable of remembering what happened two years with accurate precision. In overall, they love to keep to appointment. Autistic individuals are always on time to important ceremonies and events. In professional matters, they feel less concerned with outward appearance. Many of these children are less materialistic. Women with Autism are very much perturbed about make-up and fashion. But they worry less about brand names, hairstyles and other expensive externals than most women do. Autistic men and women are very outspoken. They play fewer head games. Majority of them do not play mind games or head games. As a result, they have fewer hidden agendas. With no hidden agendas, they tell you what they want you to hear. Always, they bare their minds without holding back. Autistic people do not beat around bush and they do not beg the question. In sum, individuals with Autism open new doors for Neuro-typicals.\r\n\r\nWhat Causes Autism in Children and Adolescents?\r\n\r\nIn the field of psychopathology, there is little knowledge of what cause this disorder in children. Research is unsure about what causes autism in general. Some studies suggest that autism might be caused by a combination of biological or environmental factors, or both, including viral expose before birth, a problem with the immune system, or genetics. Studies conducted by Autism Research Institute (1988) confirmed that environmental factors-including unprecedented exposure to toxic substances and over vaccination of infants and young children are key factors that trigger autism. Candida albicans have been found another contributing factor (Research Review, 1988). An abnormal slowing down of brain development before birth may cause autism too. This is the more reason why brains of children with autism may function differently from those considered â€œnormal. Poor brain development and function is as a result of chemicals flowing in wrong direction. Normal brain develops the level of serotonin- a chemical found in the brain which declines in most children. A small but significant proportion of children diagnosed as autistic are victim of severe Candida infection. This infection produces toxins which causes severe long-term disruption of the immune system and attack the brain. When the immune and brain systems are affected, autistic children would display an unusual level of interest in their family and surroundings. When this happens, series of ear infection may occur, soon after an ominous charge begins to occur. Speech development would drop, and then regresses, often to the point of muteness. Within a few week or months, these children become unresponsive and lose interest in the love of their life (parents or caregivers) and in their surroundings. Many scientific investigations have examined the possible connection between autism and the measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) vaccine.\r\n\r\nDifferent Types of Autism\r\n\r\nGeneral symptoms of Autism led modern science to identify three Autism spectrum disorders (ASDs) subtypes, namely: (Autism, Asperger and PDDNOS). In terms of clinical and demographic characteristics, these three subtypes are different (Andrea et al, 2008). The first type is called Autism Disorder: - This is what people think of when they hear the word Autism. People with Autism disorder suffer from social interactions, communication and imaginative play in children younger than 3 years. The second type is called Asperger Syndrome: - Children who have Asperger have problem with language per se. They have a normal language development. They also score average or above average range on intelligence tests. Most often, these children continuously exhibit the same type of social problems with limited scope of interest as children with autistic disorder (WebMD, 2008). The third type is called Pervasive Developmental Disorder or PDD- This is known as atypical autism. PDD is a psychiatric catch word expression for all categories for children who have some autistic problems but who do not fit strictly into other psychiatric categories. The fourth type is called Rett Disorder: This form of Autism is known to occur only in girls. It is different from Autism. Rett children begin to develop rapidly and later begin to lose their communication and social skills. Beginning at the age of 1-4yrs, repetitive hand movements replaces purposeful use of hands (WebMD, 2008). The fifth type of Autism is described as: Childhood disintegrative disorder: Here children develop normally for at least two years, and then lose some or most of their communication and social skills by the age of 10. When communication and social skills are lost, the child is said to have child disintegrative disorder.\r\n\r\nTreatment of Autism\r\n\r\nEvaluation and treatment of Autism must center on diagnostic reliability and validity of assessment in psychotherapy. Assessment and evaluation must center on problems with communication, language, motor skills, speech, success at school and finally thinking abilities. Treatment also must focus on psychopharmacological efficacy. Assessment and treatment must aim at advancing the understanding of autism, including potential causes and prevalence outcomes e.g. genetic, immunological and environmental. Study has shown that there is no established cure for Autism in Psychopathology. Because there is no prescribed cure, there is need for prolonged behavior modifications. Behavior modification includes positive reinforcement and social skills training. At all times, this has been found the treatment of choice (Groden & Baron, 1988). There are some modalities that can help manage autism symptoms, as well as help teach social and behavioral skills. The primary goal of social and behavioral skills in treatment is to improve the overall ability of the child to function well. Early diagnosis and treatment helps children in the long run. Today, there are many obstacles in achieving effective treatment. According to Autism Research Institute (2008), a major obstacle in autism research has been the lack of a valid means of measuring the effectiveness of various treatments. Parents of autistic children represent a vast and important reservoir of information on the benefits or adverse effects of the large variety of drugs and other interventions that have been tried with children. Against these backdrops, there are three treatment approaches that are capable of treating Autism. Since the need of children are different, treatment modalities according to Autism Research Institute are: Drug, Biomedical/ Non-Drug/Supplements & Special diets.\r\n\r\nMedication\r\n\r\nResearchers have published hundreds of studies attempting to evaluate different biomedical and psycho-educational interventions intended to benefit autistic children. Experiemntal studies show that medicine can be used to treat behaviors and emotional dysfunctions associated with Autism (New York Times, 2010). Therapists and medical critics believe that much of these researches have produced inconclusive, incoherent or, worse still, a misleading results because there are useful tests, beneficial traditional therapies or scales designed to measure treatment effectiveness. The inability to apply traditional therapeutic treatments (Herbs/roots (mgborogwu), Qigong, acupressure & acupuncture) before bio-medical options can be viewed as therapeutic suicide, a treatment in a wrong direction. In classical literary expression it is like when one is running well but outside the track (Hebrew expression meaning Hamasia). There is lack of adequate scale in our health care centers and hospitals, such as childhood Autism Rating Scale (CARS), the Gilliam Autism Rating Scale (GARS), or the Autism Behavior Checklist (ABC). These lacks pose a danger and a big problem to assessment and treatment. Generally, these scales are designed to diagnose autism to tell whether or not a child is autistic. On the other hand, biomedical therapies are often based on the DAN (Defeat Autism Now) model. Pharmacists and psychiatrists trained in DAN Protocol are most likely to prescribe special diets, supplements and alternative treatments as the case may be. This medication is beneficial to children with irritability and aggression associated with autism. Some children appear to respond to a gluten-free or Casein-free diet. Gluten is found in food containing wheat, rye, and barley. Casein is found in milk, cheese and other dairy products (New York Times, 2010). Nutritional supplement such as DMG is safe for young children too. Medication is beneficial to children with irritability and aggression associated with autism. There are multiple brands of medications for treatment purposes. For example: Prozac, Paxil, and Zoloft. Risperidon is another approved medication of choice. Some children would do better on Prozac while others on Zoloft. These medications are positive relief to high functioning Autism spectrum children with co morbidity anxiety disorders. These medications are effective because children with autism have a very sensitive nervous system. As far as I know, many biomedical therapies have offered positive results in many treatment cases. But Autism treatment Evaluation Checklist (ATEC) is totally different (CARS, GARS & ABC) but shares some enduring commonalities. ATEC was developed by Bernard Rimland and Stephen M Edison (1988) of the Autism Research Institute to fill this yearning lacuna that is especially urgent right now because of the 20 or more studies beginning to evaluate the secrets and privy of Autism. Their study was designed in a form of assessment checklist to be completed by parents, special education teachers, or caretakers. This study consists of 4 subtests (1) Speech/ Language Communication (14 items) (2) Sociability (20 items) (3) Sensory/cognitive awareness (18) (4) health/physical/behavior (25 items). Other treatment modalities include:\r\n\r\nApplied Behavioral Analysis (ABA)\r\n\r\nApplied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) is defined as the science in which the principles of the analysis of behavior are applied systematically to improve socially significant behavior, and in which experimentation is used to identify the variables responsible for change in behavior (Cooper et al, 2007).The word Applied means practice to develop skills while behavioral analysis refers to learning and understanding that leads to a new skill in life. Behavioral analysis was a common treatment model adopted by Skinner and other behaviorists after him. ABA is the oldest treatment modality for the treatment of autism syndrome disorder. The applied behavioral analysis focuses on reward based training on the child. This method centers on teaching autistic children some basic skills. Besides ABA, many types of treatments have been developed including assessment and education of Autistic and related communication Handicapped children (TEACCH) and sensory integration.\r\n\r\nSpeech Therapy (ST)\r\n\r\nStudies show that almost all people with autism have issues with speech and language (Judy, 2007). People with this disorder are challenged by articulation, grammar and speech pragmatics (i.e. the use of speech to build social relationships. Speech therapy becomes best treatment option for kids with language disorders; having trouble understanding people or has trouble putting words together to express thoughts). Speech and language therapies are helpful to kids who have the following medical conditions: swallowing disorder, cleft-lip or palate, weak muscles around the mouth, hearing impairment and breathing disorder (Nelson, 2005). \r\n\r\nIf your kids have trouble expressing certain words or trouble understanding others, they would need to see a speech language pathologist, also known as speech therapist. Speech pathologists help children with articulation disorder to say certain sounds/words correctly. Kids who repeat certain words or have trouble saying the complete word (fluency disorder) receive treatment through speech therapy. In fluency disorder, speech pathologists assist children to overcome sound stutter (st-a-a-y, i.e. stay) which is called fluency disorder. When kids start a sentence loud and clear, but become quiet and mumbling at the end, these types of kids need treatment in voice disorder. Children with voice disorder need help to overcome the act of speaking through their noise. According to Bureau of labor statistics (2008-2009) speech language pathologists select augmentative or alternative communication methods, including automated devices and sign language, and teach their use to individuals with little or no speech capability. They also teach those with little or no speech capability how to make sounds, improve their voices, or increase their language skills to communicate more effectively. They help patients who have suffered loss of speech to develop, or to recover, and have reliable communication skills so that patients can fulfill their educational, vocational, and social roles. \r\n\r\nOccupational Therapy (OT)\r\n\r\nThis is a treatment method of focusing on building daily living skills. Occupational therapy focuses on enabling people to do the activities of daily life (American Occupational therapy Association). Such activities include helping children in care unites or CPS learn of their new environment that is different from their family of origin. Occupational therapists help adolescents in high school to learn reading, learning and writing assignments. Another goal is to help individuals resume as much as their patterns of living as possible (Punwar et al, 2000). Its primary strategy is helping children in washing, using the toilet, grooming, and dressing. According to Punwar these strategies were medically prescribed form of treatment and were usually conducted in a hospital, sanitarium, or community workshops. Other duties performed by occupational therapists include: hand washing, computer use, driving, cooking, housekeeping or the tasks a person is expected to perform on the job (Kalb, 2004). Participation in these activities is vital in maintaining the overall wellness of patients. Occupational therapists focuses on strategies to enhance the performance of activities at home and at work, including energy management to improve productivity and reduce fatigue (National multiple sclerosis, 2008). During treatment, therapists try by strengthening and stretching exercises for the upper body, and activities designed to improve coordination and unpresumptuous interventions especially tailored to individualâ€™s level of functioning. Most health care professionals employ this methodology because patients have delayed motor skills. Besides Occupational therapy, therapists can employ integration therapy- a technique which may help autistic children manage hypersensitivity to sound, light and touch and finally help them develop an individualized plan of care tailored to each patient's needs. \r\n\r\nPhysical Therapy (PT)\r\n\r\n Mary Kolb (2005) described the definition of physical therapy in the dictionary of occupational titles as narrow, technical, and obsolete. In modern studies, physical therapy helps build up strength, coordination and basic sports skills. This treatment option is beneficial to individuals with any form of developmental or gross motor delays. The history of physical therapy as a profession began in 1914-1919 after the First World War in the United States. According to Dreeben (2007), this period in the physical therapy profession is called â€œthe reconstruction. It was created because the first and second world war brought a greater number of causalities and distress to American people. The post-war impact challenged American society to develop this therapeutic method to care for returning veterans. As a result, Dreeben concludes that a handful of physicians called orthopedists and 1200 young women called reconstruction aides were physical therapy and occupational therapy pioneers who treated injured soldiers. \r\n\r\nSpecialized Therapies (ST)\r\n\r\nUnder normal circumstances, specialized treatment includes Speech, Occupational and physical therapies. These therapies are important components of managing autism and should be included in various aspects of the child treatment. These three therapies can help in many different ways: Speech therapy can help a child with autism improve language and social skills to communicate more effectively. There are other therapies that could be of benefit namely:\r\n-Occupational and physical therapy can help improve any differences in coordination and motor skills\r\n-Occupational therapy may help to learn to process information from the senses (light, sound, hearing, touch and smell), in more manageable way\r\n-Medications-Mostly and commonly used to treat related conditions and problems including depression, anxiety, hyperactivity and obsessive-compulsive behavior (Web MD, 2008).\r\n\r\nSocial Skills Therapy (SST)\r\n\r\nSocial skills training (SST) is a form of behavior therapy used by teachers, therapists, and trainers to help persons who have difficulties relating to other people. Children with autism have core deficits in social relation to others. They lack social and communication skills too. Here, therapy focuses on building skills they need to strike and hold conversation, connect with new friends or even navigate the playground (Judy, 2007). A major goal of social skills training is teaching persons who may or may not have emotional problems about the verbal as well as nonverbal behaviors involved in social interactions. Social skills training helps patients to learn to interpret these and other social signals, so that they can determine how to act appropriately in the company of other people in a variety of different situations (see Encyclopedia of mental disorder). Social skills leaning and therapy groups are offered in many private and public facilities to help children who have difficulty making and keeping friends and coping with aggression and peer pressure.\r\n\r\nPlay Therapy (PT)\r\n\r\nAll work and no play make a jack a doll boy. Unlike adults, whose natural medium of communication is verbalization, the natural medium of communication for children is play and activity (Landreth, 2002). Play therapy is generally employed with children aged 3 through 11 and provides a way for them to express their experiences and feelings through a natural, self-guided, self-healing process. Children with autism syndrome experience the skills and ability to play. Again, drama or play can serve as tool for building speech communication, and social skill. Psychiatrists and therapists incorporate play therapy into speech, occupational or physical therapies. Play therapy is often used as a tool of diagnosis. The objects and patterns of play, as well as the willingness to interact with the therapist, can be used to understand the underlying rationale for behavior both inside and outside the session. By engaging in the process of play, children learn to live in our symbolic worlds of meanings and values, at the same time exploring and experimenting and learning in their own individual ways (Landreth, 2002).\r\n\r\nBehavior Therapy (BT)\r\n\r\nBehaviorism is the philosophy behind the science of behavior. Gombosi (1998) recognizes the importance of behavioral approach commenting that for those of us raised in the psychodynamic tradition, it is both inspiring and humbling to see improvement some autistic children can make within a strictly behavioral, intensive program, sometimes to the point where they attend school without aids in a regular classroom. Children with autism are hyper and often frustrated. They are often times misunderstood, and have a tough time communicating their needs, as a result they suffer from hypersensitivities to sound, light and touch no wonder they act out (Judy, 2007). In behavior therapy therefore, psychiatrists must try to figure out what motivates negative behavior and replace it with positive behavior and skills. They must recommend change to the environment and routine to facilitate better and positive behavior. According to American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Behavioral training and management uses positive reinforcement, self-help and social skills training to improve behavior and communication.\r\n\r\nDevelopmental Therapies (DT)\r\n\r\nDevelopmental Therapy is the assessment, treatment and instruction of individuals with disabilities in activities of daily living. This therapy help children, teens and adults become more independent and involved in their community. Professionals who engage in this form of treatment mode work to develop the skills of children for daily living. They also assist in helping patients in socialization, self-help and communication. Studies in Psychopathology reveal that relationship development intervention is best therapy in strengthening family dynamics. This therapy is the best developmental treatments for children with autism. In this form of treatment, therapists engage in building child own interests, strengths and potentials for strengths to increase emotional, social and intellectual abilities. In developmental therapy, children are taught to learn skills such as brushing their teeth, tying their shoes, washing plates after each meal and packing books in the school bag after assignment.\r\n\r\nVisually-Based Therapies (VBT)\r\n\r\nMargarete Naumburg was known to be the original mother of Art therapy in the U.S, because she substituted the easel for the couch (Ulman, 1987). As a result of this substitution, Kaplan (2007) note that her focus was on exploring the individual's unconscious, and the painting or drawing by client was the object of free association in a manner similar to the Freudian approach to dreams. Researches on children abilities indicate that children with autism are great visual thinkers. Great visual thinkers often are not sound receptors. In trying to treat children, therapist must employ picture-based communication systems such as PECS, (picture Exchange Communication) when assisting them in skill development. Video modeling, video games and electronic communications systems often taps into autistic visual strength to build further skills and community enrichment (Kaplan, 2007). Screen of Autism is designed to identify children with potential disabilities that may qualify them for special program in school or at home. Children with Autism have language difficulties and parents are worried because they are not talking. These children also worry because other people cannot understand them too. Autistic children can have learning problems. Statistics show that 2% of children with Autism have difficulty learning new concepts such as color identification or counting of numbers. These children can have emotional problems as well. Emotional problems often cause people to have multiple fears and worries or be constantly afraid of the night and dark environment (Ulman, 1987). Autistic children tend to be overly aggressive or withdrawn and unresponsive. Many Autistic children I talked to in school tend to express some physical difficulties. They seem to have trouble hearing voices or other sounds. Many of them have been diagnosed as having severe hearing loss with special health or physical problems. And the problem of these children in my understanding is the problem of families and societies.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":0,"url":"/m/Ogbuja/journal/family-and-children-with-autism-syndrome/","title":"FAMILY AND CHILDREN WITH AUTISM SYNDROME","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["PROFHMJ"],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"alzheimers-foundation-of-america","group_id":200038,"name":"Alzheimer's Disease","url":"/groups/alzheimers-foundation-of-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"5777193925118706660","tracking_id":"5777193925118706660","slug":"disc-e5a4c2-where-i-put-it-lost-items","class":"disc","created":"2024-08-10T23:51:01Z","active":"2024-10-09T19:28:01Z","updated":"2024-10-07T13:52:20Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/T_Allen/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"T_Allen","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>NoHOW ABOUT LOST POSTS?\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>July 6 – Saturday – 06:00\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Sleep was not easy, I was awake close to 01:30, as I recall, flounder & then up to the futon. I am bothered by my boob, as well as the damn JT & how costly fibs can be. Also going on yet another all-day excursion with RCB. Trying to give myself a fairly good excuse to bow out.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Sleeping was spotty anyway, .but apparently sleeping when M walked by at around five. She was awake, and I got up and she was in bed reading Facebook with her drink. I asked if she was going to call Harvey, she said she is planning on it.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She asked if it would upset me. Maybe I answered too quickly, hehheh.. she said she might lie and say we did not sleep well. Ironic, since that's what I planned on telling her. She doesn't think Ray needs to be crawling in & out of the car too much anway. I moved to the couch.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We ended up staying home, waiting most of the morning for Carol to call to decide whether to go somewhere to keep Ray from walking. The call did not come, M called H around 09:30. We sat on the sofa til M wanted a burger. We went to Red Robin. I have been using Reddit, for fun\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsh came down with heartburn after Robin, meal was good. We both had a burger we finished then back home. We saw a baby goose, standing in the road, he didn't get hurt that we saw.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I chatted up Chee, quite a bit - he's still on the scamming thing... Casing me to worry a bit.. hoping won't affect my sleep. Watching storage Wars in the background\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>July 5 July 5 July5 July 5\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 5, 2024 • 8:47 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>In reply to T_Allen's comment\u003C/p>\u003Cp>21:00, after watching more back country hunter gathered, some inspiring & mindlesnchattib. Ofc to bed\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 5, 2024 • 6:47 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>In reply to T_Allen's comment\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Three hundred bucks into it, we have front speakers. He was saying how he can put new ones in, but if they crack out, there's still a problem that will need more troubleshooting. So when we got home, Marsh wanted to go see the folks to bring them the dessert & bags. Now we're talked into another long day drive, tomorrow.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We had sausage corn & chips for supper. Watched a bunch of auction shows & survivalist had some whiskey by 18:45\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Advertisement\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 5, 2024 • 12:26 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Fri, July 5\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Woke up middle of the night needing to take a \"hotdog. poop' which left me still a bit queasy, laid down because middle of the night. Was able to doze til around 05:00, when I got up. I feel sort of bad, talking so much shit about Ray,considering his age. He is going to be miserable if he makes it to \"a home\". .was awake around 5:00, as was I,but she seemed able to sleep more, so I just got up & sat on the couch at 6:00\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Since six o'clock, (09:20)we've straightened quite a bit, highlight was emptying a big burlap bag of plastic grocery bags doing general straight really feeling the boob. M&I did some housekeeping,laundry, then off to ARC, the guy helping unload commented on my Guinness shirt & hanging out in the pub drinking one & eating fish &chips.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Back home for a minute or two then off to Costco. There was a kid in a nearby cart with an ear piercing scream. Picked stuff up, then March convinced me to call the dude with audio to check appt. We did not have one,so scheduled for 13:00,\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 5, 2024 • 9:19 AM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>In reply to T_Allen's comment\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Since six o'clock, we've straightened quite a bit, highlight was emptying a big burlap bag of plastic grocery bags doing general straight really feeling the boob\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 5, 2024 • 6:07 AM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Fri, July 5\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Woke up middle of the night needing to take a \"hotdog. poop' which left me still a bit queasy, laid down because middle of the night. Was able to doze til around 05:00, when I got up. I feel sort of bad, talking so much shit about Ray,considering his age. He is going to be miserable if he makes it to \"a home\". .was awake around 5:00, as was I,but she seemed able to sleep more, so I just got up & sat on the couch at 6:00\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Advertisement\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 4, 2024 • 9:45 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>In reply to T_Allen's comment\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Bit of a chat with Jerry - TV - loud fireworks ..... Bed in spite of loud fireworks .....\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 4, 2024 • 7:58 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>In reply to T_Allen's comment\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Couple beers, small handful. .M&M & animal style turkey & ham\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 4, 2024 • 5:45 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>July 4\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Last night still fantasizing about revenge -sleep affected, up by 05:39. Somehow thought RCB would arrive sooner, so @08:30 I started on the house, specifically the dishes. I also went to the shed to find hideAkey which I located easily enough.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsh went to the store while I continued. RCB came by. He somehow hurt himself ( ankle,I think). Told us about his visit to the doc. Somehow not able to obtain pain pills, Marsh gave him the ones Roberson had prescribed me (Tylenol+)she made sure it was okay with me, same dose & everything.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He used the can(M already had picked up the rug). I had to give him an excuse for not taking the shoes off, seeing how his ankle is hurt.. he didn't want any adaptive devices ( not that we had much to offer) M drove us up to Chambers Lake area for a picnic with the folks. Of course we found a garage sale, only things found were high prices. Funny, enroute Ray asked how my brother and his family are.. Marsha and I sort of laughed - I said how I don't know, haven't talked to him... Ray sort of agreed with my line of thought, Steve would call me, if there was a problem.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>In the natural area, we stopped at the pay station, when we all used the can. Being RCB vehicle, I didn't know where the \"juice\" was. I had only touched the outside handle,\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We eventually found a good spot at the lake, and sat down for lunch. Still unclean, I ate hot dog & chip. Fortunately I got mine first. Ray stuck his nasty paws into the bag.. it was a nice picnic. Dessert was that apricot crisp marsh brought from work.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We were at the lake, lots of campers, lots of stories. Lots of talk about Grace churchgoers, Terry & Cindy camping, speculation of how rafters / kayaks don't roll) Back home Ray used the can, of course, while Carol started looking at the stuff. Almost had second thought about the red toolbox ..but not.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I had a shot as soon as we got home,helped them load the shit and saw them off. Once inside, watched actions & survivalist show & drank beer. A small amount of chat with Psycho neighbor whose name is seriously slipping my mind right now\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Neighbor across the street banging off fireworks\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Advertisement\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 3, 2024 • 8:25 PM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>July 3\u003C/p>\u003Cp>M wanted to start on the garage / attic,clear a. bunch of stuff out. That's what we did, and hours of it there's a wasp nest in the shed.. spent most of the day on that.. M got into the attic, and got a bunch of stuff down.. all the stuff, except the chair & paintings. Jeff Christmas trees & stuff has been removed, and headed foreys RCB. Spraying out the tubs/ cleaning lids. Stuff arranged and back in place. We opened the outhouse shed using the key. Which had the buffalo motel fob... MIA. I went through the new shed & not seeing the house key? Shit is weird.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We went through & sorted most of the dainto piles.. mostly RCB, donate& keep out or back in the attic. M slated the microwave to go. A bunch of Jeff's bullshit Chris as & Easter shit. That cleared out a lot. He's never coming back for that stuff. We have a wasp nest in the outhouse. I left it alone, but put up traps. One in the gutter, too.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I chatted with Chee a bit about being scammed.sounds like he sent a bunch of money -not like me with JT. Watched back country Alaska show. I have monti christo for supper & leftover Turkey from yesterday . Also helped seal a acodos marsh cut up\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The key to outhouse shed seems to be missing the Buffalo Motel fob. I can't find the spare key for the shed, either.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Reply\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Share\u003C/p>\u003Cp>React\u003C/p>\u003Cp>0\u003C/p>\u003Cp>T_Allen\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jul 3, 2024 • 6:30 AM\u003C/p>\u003Cp>July 3\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Very unrestful morning, alarm went off normal time, I said I was going to stay in bed, Marsha asked me why I would stay in bed and how I feel guilty. I did stay in bed for a few minutes, until about 04:20, where I pooped. Something said to get up. Besides my butt.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Jerry texted about quarter to, asking about a walk. It was close to time for her to move, didn't want him loitering about outside, so I agreed and said I was going to. I met him in route, and I did the kiss and go at Rick... I didn't see the eclipse, until Jerry pointed it out.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He says in the mysterious conspiracy theory tone 🌙that something's in front of the Moon. I agreed, in fact there was something in front of the Moon. I looked and found that there is an eclipse going on. Explained what science says about it.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He tried telling me the moon is made of plasma. I ignored that, but said there is no way we landed on the moon in 1969. That started him on the footage being questionable. We moved from that into queers, be saying how a friend of mine used to be a girl and how now he's a boy he can't cry somehow the hormones.. I didn't mention my boob of course. He was saying how sold on penises don't work. Also how food has been doctored, blueberries in particular have some sort of film.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Talk to Matthew , says that Matthew told him how he has Type O Negative blood, the most rare of all. And how he got it at the hospital in the blood transfusion. That lng me about the shed how it's going in there. Then Jerry me about my shed.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He mentioned an odd sort of coincidence, he walked up to a woman in the store who looked like a friend of his asked about him, and just that he called. Mentioned how I've lived here since 1990, when we moved to the YMCA, and how I was always told to go west and was confused until somebody told me that the mountains are west.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Near the end of the walk, he started talking about Trump in a favorable light, and how the stuff that was in his apartment or house was okay and Biden was vice president so he should not have had anything. From there,china is taking over. He mentioned his bluebirds being raised at one point as well. Talked about how Hillary Clinton is guilty of wiping her hard drives as well\u003C/p>\u003Cp>During the condo asked about what we are doing going out of town anytime soon, I mentioned that we were at some point. Always wonder if he's trustworthy in a way. Also wonder if it matters. Back at home he dumped a few things in the trash cans said I could pull out whatever I want he won't look, I did end up pulling something out that I might be able to use on the to hell and back mailbox.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Inside, got a few things together, don't remember if Marsha's working today and off tomorrow or not. Will work on laundry at some point I really should get started on stuff. If indeed Marsh will be home at 09:00, it being 07:11, there's not much time\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>TODAY TODAY TODAY\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong> \u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>July 9\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Getting out of bed wasn't an easy one. I was very sleepy. Just before getting up, I had a 'Good Samaritain' dream that put the facility somewhere in a downtown area, maybe a Greeley type place with older brick 3 - 5 stories high. Crime rate about the same as Greeley. Somehow I had showered and was barely dressed, like maybe just a robe or less, while getting into a car with some of the more portly CNAs, to go downtown for some lunch or party supplies (maybe desserts) My penis was half erect & rubbing agaist the outer thigh of one of them, who was in shorts.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was well aware of it, while unsure if she was. I still was very aware of my state of dress. The car stopped outside a brick buildig with large picture window, where we went inside for some grub. I didn't have my walled with me,but was really hungry. Not quite sure how to bring that up. Especially \"half-up\". I ended up not getting anything to eat, and still wondering how I was going to get out of the car/van dressed the way I was. The facility wasn't the facility, looked more like a Columbine East. I'm not sure how I got out of the van and inside.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Once awake, I wasn't sure if I wanted to walk, or even get out of bed. But I did. Get out of bed that is. Morning was average, I had to P in the mug, but later was able to do a quick dropping off of the kids. I was worreid a tad that Jerry would be outside waiting. I brought Marsha her earrings & note (which I wrote before bed). We loaded up, I got to Zebra Corner, where I got out, waved goodbye and came back home, where I haven't done anything, but start trying to arrange these notes better. The last month is a bit of a hodgepodge.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>12/31 - maybe\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Bed Bath & Beyond going out in Ft Collins, we happened to stop by enroute to other Ross type places that may have post-Christmas sales. It was amusing to me, I noticed the cashier was having some trouble keeping people straight. When I said sarcastically \"fun day, huh\", she told me that she was going to just call in sick today, but her boss said she didn't have any sick-leave, or something.\u003C/p>\u003Cp><p> my mastercard was rejected at the pump, and I wanted to check on it. When we looked at the site, Marsha saw a $10 cash advance fee. She was worried I'd been scammed, I was worried that I had been cancelled or something. When I called, I totally didn't ask about the cash advance, which is why she wanted me to call. We figured it out, though. It was for my 'donation' to al.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>After buying another sprayer from walmart, I figured, Ace guy probably deserves a little more credit.There isn't much of a chance, just finding that one part withoug buying the rest of the assembly. Habitat was closed, so I decided to just give it a go. I was imagining having to tear out the entire line, just taking the sprayer off the hose from the wall, no need to tear out the whole thing, like I was thinking.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We did leave before I was able to fininsh (15:00)- for lunch at Applebees with RCB. Got the Five-O on all of the recent Foothills news. Seems, their booth was OB by an inch or so. Previous tennent had markers covered. ADA compliance issue, easily resolved. Obligatory updates on sales (restocking) & display of latest. The dollhouse Ray bought in Estes is still getting a facelift. Looks good.\u003C/p>\u003Cp><p>Lunch was yummy-bacon cheeseburger with Fireball Whiskey bbq sauce. We went back to Harrison House about an hour (?) later. Marsga and Carol worked on their puzzle, Ray and I watched football. TCU vs (someone). ray was pulling for TCU, who kept scrwing up. Much to his shegrin. Last play of the game, one of them got a penelty for \"Targeting\" which gets the player a one game (or one half) ejection. Apparenlty it didn't stick, which made fans in the stands indignant. As the camera panned, one of them yelled \"WHAT THE FUCK\".. I'm the only one that caught it. We got back here, I was going to drink whiskey, but opted for Sleepytime (or whatever) tea, around 19:00. Kitty wanted to play for a while, but settled down half-hour later.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>9.31 Mybw\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>8/31/24 - Saturday\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I slept fairly well, my mask ift nicely. I had a funny dream, I was on some sort of cruise, which had to do with Good Sam, Tracy checked me in, and got me a coke. I was charged with finding some sort of my family seal (crest). I was in the belly of the boat, and other areas and floors I don't ever go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I woke at around 04:00, having to pee Marsha had gotten up soetime before, and had closed the door. I bashed into it, not realizing. I hoped I hadn't woken her. Seems I hadn't. I did a quick look in the living room, then laid back down. I hear her in the hall, covered my head and clicked the blue light on and off a few times . she laid back down. Kitty wasn't interested in sleep, so I got up & shut Marsha in, and laid back down. on the 2nd bedroom for a short while.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Kitty wanted in with Marsha, I got up and started looking at new desktop PCs & security systems. Also security ideas like smart switches, and especially lights that resemble television screen, I found an Amazon type site, egg egg maybe that may or may not be good.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Hadn't heard from the Brockmans all morning- Marsha and I had modest breakfast. She started watching NCIS (or whatever). I went into the office and blatantly and very openly trawled. I also spent a bunch of time updating this log, later realizing I'd erased a bunch of days. Some of them were quite eventful in that I did stuff aside from just being inside.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She turned on Top Gear, which I feel obligated to watch for a run on that until a bit after 4:15 or so. Made it there just before 5:00. The mailboxes were open as we drove off, I just left them that way for the evening We were inundated with stories garage sales finds and scoffing at prices \"that guy\" was asking. We were shown & ray bragged about projects, both finished and planed . These are all quite nice, I truly am jealous of his skills and creativity. He is quite proud - like the kid who pooped in the toilet for the first time, on his own..tee-hee. I recorded shorts that I sent to Chee, for his entertainment. I unsent for me, of couse.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>It's unnecessary to say, but Ray was showing off his latest, saying how busy he's been. He asked Marsha if she'd been busy, which launched her into tales of and large caterings, especially. Talking about the football caterings and staffing changes. That briefly led into the CSU v Dallas game, which was a slaughter. Dallas is highly ranked, while CSU isn't. A brief chat about Iowa. Chatting also led to stories about people being able to retire early.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Supper was bone-in baked chicken, fresh tomatoes from their garden (yellow) stuffing with gravy, and potatoes which I didn't partake in. Dessert was going to be ice cream but neither Marsha or I ate. During supper, the phone rang. It was foothills, a clerk called to say 'the big clock' went, which of course led to 'remember those' - \"they went\" things, too. A comical thing was how he'd acquired a deck of cards that had two spades but and no clubs. He was going to sell the good ones, and took the time to carefully make the one into a club. The big clock went, which was a big deal, and lots of small stuff. We got the skinny on hits & misses on garage sales, tales of incredible deals and ridiculous prices.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Ray brough up how he's getting older, and how Marsha should know where important papers are. Carol bragged how (fill in the blank) couldn't believe how old he has gotten. She brought out church directories from Easton Place in the 70's. As we were leaving, got the skinny on Grace's issues with the roof, and the latest on how people think communion should be served & grape juice shelf life.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>At home, I put some mail in the boxes, gathered up stuff for Sunday & had a spot of tea. Marsha had a beer. We were in bed at a modest time. We watched Top Gear a bit for a bit, I tried updating log, which also got deleted somehow\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>8/31/24 - Saturday Maybe the 2nd\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I slept fairly well, my mask ift nicely. I had a funny dream, I was on some sort of cruise, which had to do with Good Sam, Tracy checked me in, and got me a coke. I was charged with finding some sort of my family seal (crest). I was in the belly of the boat, and other areas and floors I don't ever go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I woke at around 04:00, having to pee Marsha had gotten up sometime before, and had closed the door. I bashed into it, not realizing. I hoped I hadn't woken her. Seems I hadn't. I did a quick look in the living room, then laid back down. I hear her in the hall, covered my head and clicked the blue light on and off a few times . she laid back down. Kitty wasn't interested in sleep, so I got up & shut Marsha in, and laid back down. on the 2nd bedroom for a short while.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Kitty wanted in with Marsha, I got up and started looking at new desktop PCs & security systems. Also security ideas like smart switches, and especially lights that resemble television screen, I found an Amazon type site, egg egg maybe that may or may not be good.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Hadn't heard from the Brockmans all morning- Marsha and I had modest breakfast. She started watching NCIS (or whatever). I went into the office and blatantly and very openly trawled. I also spent a bunch of time updating this log, later realizing I'd erased a bunch of days. Some of them were quite eventful in that I did stuff aside from just being inside.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>She turned on Top Gear, which I feel obligated to watch for a run on that until a bit after 4:15 or so. Made it there just before 5:00. The mailboxes were open as we drove off, I just left them that way for the evening We were inundated with stories garage sales finds and scoffing at prices \"that guy\" was asking. We were shown & ray bragged about projects, both finished and planed . These are all quite nice, I truly am jealous of his skills and creativity. He is quite proud - like the kid who pooped in the toilet for the first time, on his own..tee-hee. I recorded shorts that I sent to Chee, for his entertainment. I unsent for me, of couse.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>It's unnecessary to say, but Ray was showing off his latest, saying how busy he's been. He asked Marsha if she'd been busy, which launched her into tales of and large caterings, especially. Talking about the football caterings and staffing changes. That briefly led into the CSU v Dallas game, which was a slaughter. Dallas is highly ranked, while CSU isn't. A brief chat about Iowa. Chatting also led to stories about people being able to retire early.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Supper was bone-in baked chicken, fresh tomatoes from their garden (yellow) stuffing with gravy, and potatoes which I didn't partake in. Dessert was going to be ice cream but neither Marsha or I ate. During supper, the phone rang. It was foothills, a clerk called to say 'the big clock' went, which of course led to 'remember those' - \"they went\" things, too. A comical thing was how he'd acquired a deck of cards that had two spades but and no clubs. He was going to sell the good ones, and took the time to carefully make the one into a club. The big clock went, which was a big deal, and lots of small stuff. We got the skinny on hits & misses on garage sales, tales of incredible deals and ridiculous prices.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Ray brough up how he's getting older, and how Marsha should know where important papers are. Carol bragged how (fill in the blank) couldn't believe how old he has gotten. She brought out church directories from Easton Place in the 70's. As we were leaving, got the skinny on Grace's issues with the roof, and the latest on how people think communion should be served & grape juice shelf life.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>At home, I put some mail in the boxes, gathered up stuff for Sunday & had a spot of tea. Marsha had a beer. We were in bed at a modest time. We watched Top Gear a bit for a bit, I tried updating log, which also got deleted somehow\u003C/p>\u003Cp>8/31/24 - Saturday\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I slept fairly well, my mask ift nicely. I had a funny dream, I was on some sort of cruise, which had to do with Good Sam, Tracy checked me in, and go \u003Ca target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener ugc nofollow\" href=\"mailto:ZYX9@cdc.gov\">ZYX9@cdc.gov\u003C/a> t me a coke. I was charged with finding some sort of my family seal (crest). I was in the belly of the boat, and other areas and floors I don't ever go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I woke at around 04:00, having to pee Marsha had gotten up soetime before, and had closed the door. I bashed into it, not realizing. I hoped I hadn't woken her. Seems I hadn't. I did a quick look in the living room, then laid back down. I hear her in the hall, covered my head and clicked the blue light on and off a few times . she laid back down. Kitty wasn't interested in sleep, so I got up & shut Marsha in, and laid back down. on the 2nd bedroom for a short while. Kitty wanted in with Marsha, I got up and started looking at new desktop PCs & security systems. I found an amaon type site. No word from the Brockmans. as f of 08:00\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>8/31/24 - Saturday again again\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I slept fairly well, my mask ift nicely. I had a funny dream, I was on some sort of cruise, which had to do with Good Sam, Tracy checked me in, and go \u003Ca target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener ugc nofollow\" href=\"mailto:ZYX9@cdc.gov\">ZYX9@cdc.gov\u003C/a> t me a coke. I was charged with finding some sort of my family seal (crest). I was in the belly of the boat, and other areas and floors I don't ever go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I woke at around 04:00, having to pee Marsha had gotten up soetime before, and had closed the door. I bashed into it, not realizing. I hoped I hadn't woken her. Seems I hadn't. I did a quick look in the living room, then laid back down. I hear her in the hall, covered my head and clicked the blue light on and off a few times . she laid back down. Kitty wasn't interested in sleep, so I got up & shut Marsha in, and laid back down. on the 2nd bedroom for a short while. Kitty wanted in with Marsha, I got up and started looking at new desktop PCs & security systems. I found an amaon type site. No word from the Brockmans. as f of 08:00\u003C/p>\u003Cp>8/31/24 - Saturday\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I slept fairly well, my mask ift nicely. I had a funny dream, I was on some sort of cruise, which had to do with Good Sam, Tracy checked me in, and got me a coke. I was charged with finding some sort of my family seal (crest). I was in the belly of the boat, and other areas and floors I don't ever go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I woke at around 04:00, having to pee Marsha had gotten up soetime before, and had closed the door. I bashed into it, not realizing. I hoped I hadn't woken her. Seems I hadn't. I did a quick look in the living room, then laid back down. I hear her in the hall, covered my head and clicked the blue light on and off a few times . she laid back down. Kitty wasn't interested in sleep, so I got up & shut Marsha in, and laid back down. on the 2nd bedroom for a short while. Kitty wanted in with Marsha, I got up and started looking at new desktop PCs & security systems. I found an amaon type site. No word from the Brock\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cstrong>OCTOBER\u003C/strong>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>OkStarting a new (a new) - going to minimize detail, trying too hard to remember specifics may be bogging me down.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Also writing in code all the time -if somebody figures a way to open & read the document - too bad for them\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I'm starting symbols to reduce the need for logging some common occurrences\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Clearly days are missing.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>1 Tuesday:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>2. Wednesday:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>3 Thursday: bingo\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>4 Friday;\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>5 Saturday :\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We started going through my collection of smokers. I made sure to have Marsha pick out ones that are significat. Like one she gave me, as I was in the hospital, clinging to life. Other than those I got the \"just because I bought it for you\" really doesn't matter. I took that at face value. I whittled out several of the bland ones, and a lion share of the small ornament ones.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsha left for her day shortly before I did, asking if I had my wallet & keys. I knew where they were and so I said I did. It was about 9:30, so I trawled - rushed so not the best\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Timber Dan show with Ken. He picked me up at precisely 10, wanted a magnet to use in case of an episode I minimized the need, but he insisted was a good time mostly. some almost awkward silences - but not sure why I needed for constant chat\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I finally asked how Starla got her name. There was a little girl he hung with as a little boy. He was somewhat enamored with her. There may have been more, like she was injured - I don't recall. Linda went with it .\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He regaled some stories, which I've forgotten one, though was interesting, how after the birth, his mother had written a letter about a dream she had, involving having a tattoo put on her arm involving the name \"Starla\". Mom was ignorant of their newborn's name\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I finally got a visual of the caps ken said they used as kids in their heels to scare the girls & get scolded by the dean. Thinking quickly Ken gave him a fake name. He told the vender about it.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We went to \"The Boot\" where he got the waitresses name, and actually got me to remember her name. Jar,by playing word association. I mentioned how he was bringing leftovers at home in his lip. He thanked me, saying he had no feeling there because of a bicycling accident as a kid he asked the server's name the way home, I remembered the name when Ken asked, but probably would not have been able to pick her out of a police line up. Just as we were on our way out I got a quick message about having gone to the hardware store and if she should wait , I replied \"You go out... Hit a thrift store\" or something like it. M said she has gone to the hardware store.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Ken asked about driving -saying how safe ty should prevail. Named the street were on, LCR #?, asked if I knew what it was- I remembered the county road but not the L part -Larimer\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I asked if it chadge names, like others do. Led into kids cant read maps & use it, or lose it (me)with street name & location.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>At home, Marsh wasn't there, I reread my message, and it could be taken as \"I don't want to see you\" I contacted, saying that isnt at all what I meant. We got a giggle. She told me about her day -a fun estate sale, picking up a sweatshirt for mom, buying some frames, a story from the hardware store, looking for the filter. Joking around wit a helpful clerk -\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Realizing how old the fridge is -bought it used from Patrick & legane when we moved in sort of makes me reconsider my thought on a filter. M got hungry for mashed potatoes from KFC. She was going to order two,but I opted for mashed potatoes - I had already eaten some fries earlier up & back & Top Gear.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Quiet evening -Marsga said she is named similarly to Starla, but Ray wanted her name spelled incorrectly - Marcia. It brought back memory of when I first met Ray & Carl , me making light of the spelling. Carol grinning & Ray pouting.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I asked Marsha about me attending service @ Sam's all the time, being a bother. She said it bothered her sometimes, so I suggested I attend less. We went to bed @ 8:30ish. I used the humidifier.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>6 Sunday:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I convinced Marsha how I might try the humidifier again, and sleep was average, I used an earplug, but the humidifier somewhat diminished the chirping of the fan. I had off thoughts about how a caregiver would react if a resident asked for a hand job. Sort of the same manner as asking them to pick up the remote.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was up around 5:30 - looked at my phone to start logging again -spet time, trying to remember.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Funny - I started replying to Susanne's message - halfway thru, she interrupted with a bit about Daniel replying to her text. I just wrote \"glad it worked out for you - going to stop writing til after church. I'm really more of a sounding board - almost time to think of getting ready, anyway (8:30)\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsha took me up to Sam's -I was there earlier than normal, finally asked about sign-in sheet, thinking maybe Riley was somehow just keeping track. I certainly want to. I floated around as normal, gathering people.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I ended up with Whiny Ass Alice, apparently she cried her way into church. I sat in the back near her. There was a couple of women, maybe a mom & adult daughter ran around helping hymnals & some chairs . Funny how these Ewocks are always so careful that Paul has the right ptdw\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Alice started in with the shredding cry thing wanting to be taken back to her room. I gave in, since singing was done. Halfway back, another CNA saw me pushing her,and made a snide remark about her now NOT wanting to be in church & get her to the family room. I did not take Alice to her to her room. Alice of course wanted her room.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The postlude sounded almost made me want to sing \"la la la la bamna\" I told Lidia about it in an approving sort of way. Gene (Gene the singing machine) told me I should sing at lunch- so I did... Heh heh.. Beatles was being played in the dining room & I sang along. She rolled her eyes & told me to stop.. I said to be careful what you ask for. Heh heh.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I had lunch, sat with Lina outside then later with susan maybe longer than volunteer duty as she came in to ask me to help gather for music. It was Caleb & Tirzah . I'm glad for the residents -fewer \"got\" to go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>My ears literally hurt- Stephany left - I helped her back to her room. She said she didn't want to encourage them to come back, by staying. I'm actually thinking of telling Riley I can't stay on Sundays when they perform..\u003C/p>\u003Cp>hehehe.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsha had a rough day on the road ina low speed chase she did, after being blatantly cut off. Said this Ahole blazes out in front of her, then slowed way down. .she put on the hazards & matched his speed\u003C/p>\u003Cp>wn to 25mph. He finally pulled off.. she had a good afternoon @ Harrison House shown the latest projects & talked about going to iowa we changed the lamps in the hall.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Her and RCB talked about a trip to Iowa. She tossed dates around -& talked about how it may affect her coworkers. I encouraged her to take as much time & when. Coworker can figure it out. I said I did not want to go since I'd feel like a 3rd wheel, or something .\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>At home we showered - I got off using the shower head. Like really really good. Drank beer and watched top gear. I had one beer\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsh had three .I just decided to get to Walmart & buy like 5 boxes of soft cookies tomorrow.. tell her she likes beer I like cookies\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Life has become non-stop TV when Marsha is home. Literally. Non-stop\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I somehow pisses Marsh off by \"getting in her way, \" then explaining what I got done. Marsh is not a happy drunk, that's for sure. Me opting out of Iowa is maybe a very bad idea ... Very bad sleep was average.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>7 Monday\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was awake before the alarm, had to poop. Morning was pretty average, I sent Marsh on her way with a nice note. At the stoplight she apparently ran it. I hadn't noticed. She called to point it out. I walked toward Spring Creek Trail, after getting past lemay, I noticed what looked like flashlights in the tunnel.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I went about halfway to the tunnel & turned around.. could have been nothing but didn't want to find out firsthand. When I got home,I started 47, and sent a good luck message to M& a note to see if cat can be watched -very mins out of the blue. Saying I'll go to Iowa.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>OkStarting a new (a new) - going to minimize detail, trying too hard to remember specifics may be bogging me down.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Also writing in code all the time -if somebody figures a way to open & read the document - too bad for them\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I'm starting symbols to reduce the need for logging some common occurrences\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Clearly days are missing.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>1 Tuesday:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>2. Wednesday:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>3 Thursday: bingo\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>4 Friday;\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>5 Saturday :\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We started going through my collection of smokers. I made sure to have Marsha pick out ones that are significat. Like one she gave me, as I was in the hospital, clinging to life. Other than those I got the \"just because I bought it for you\" really doesn't matter. I took that at face value. I whittled out several of the bland ones, and a lion share of the small ornament ones.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsha left for her day shortly before I did, asking if I had my wallet & keys. I knew where they were and so I said I did. It was about 9:30, so I trawled - rushed so not the best\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Timber Dan show with Ken. He picked me up at precisely 10, wanted a magnet to use in case of an episode I minimized the need, but he insisted was a good time mostly. some almost awkward silences - but not sure why I needed for constant chat\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I finally asked how Starla got her name. There was a little girl he hung with as a little boy. He was somewhat enamored with her. There may have been more, like she was injured - I don't recall. Linda went with it .\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>He regaled some stories, which I've forgotten one, though was interesting, how after the birth, his mother had written a letter about a dream she had, involving having a tattoo put on her arm involving the name \"Starla\". Mom was ignorant of their newborn's name\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I finally got a visual of the caps ken said they used as kids in their heels to scare the girls & get scolded by the dean. Thinking quickly Ken gave him a fake name. He told the vender about it.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>We went to \"The Boot\" where he got the waitresses name, and actually got me to remember her name. Jar,by playing word association. I mentioned how he was bringing leftovers at home in his lip. He thanked me, saying he had no feeling there because of a bicycling accident as a kid he asked the server's name the way home, I remembered the name when Ken asked, but probably would not have been able to pick her out of a police line up. Just as we were on our way out I got a quick message about having gone to the hardware store and if she should wait , I replied \"You go out... Hit a thrift store\" or something like it. M said she has gone to the hardware store.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Ken asked about driving -saying how safe ty should prevail. Named the street were on, LCR #?, asked if I knew what it was- I remembered the county road but not the L part -Larimer\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I asked if it chadge names, like others do. Led into kids cant read maps & use it, or lose it (me)with street name & location.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>At home, Marsh wasn't there, I reread my message, and it could be taken as \"I don't want to see you\" I contacted, saying that isnt at all what I meant. We got a giggle. She told me about her day -a fun estate sale, picking up a sweatshirt for mom, buying some frames, a story from the hardware store, looking for the filter. Joking around wit a helpful clerk -\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Realizing how old the fridge is -bought it used from Patrick & legane when we moved in sort of makes me reconsider my thought on a filter. M got hungry for mashed potatoes from KFC. She was going to order two,but I opted for mashed potatoes - I had already eaten some fries earlier up & back & Top Gear.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Quiet evening -Marsga said she is named similarly to Starla, but Ray wanted her name spelled incorrectly - Marcia. It brought back memory of when I first met Ray & Carl , me making light of the spelling. Carol grinning & Ray pouting.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I asked Marsha about me attending service @ Sam's all the time, being a bother. She said it bothered her sometimes, so I suggested I attend less. We went to bed @ 8:30ish. I used the humidifier.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>6 Sunday:\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I convinced Marsha how I might try the humidifier again, and sleep was average, I used an earplug, but the humidifier somewhat diminished the chirping of the fan. I had off thoughts about how a caregiver would react if a resident asked for a hand job. Sort of the same manner as asking them to pick up the remote.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was up around 5:30 - looked at my phone to start logging again -spet time, trying to remember.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Funny - I started replying to Susanne's message - halfway thru, she interrupted with a bit about Daniel replying to her text. I just wrote \"glad it worked out for you - going to stop writing til after church. I'm really more of a sounding board - almost time to think of getting ready, anyway (8:30)\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsha took me up to Sam's -I was there earlier than normal, finally asked about sign-in sheet, thinking maybe Riley was somehow just keeping track. I certainly want to. I floated around as normal, gathering people.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I ended up with Whiny Ass Alice, apparently she cried her way into church. I sat in the back near her. There was a couple of women, maybe a mom & adult daughter ran around helping hymnals & some chairs . Funny how these Ewocks are always so careful that Paul has the right ptdw\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Alice started in with the shredding cry thing wanting to be taken back to her room. I gave in, since singing was done. Halfway back, another CNA saw me pushing her,and made a snide remark about her now NOT wanting to be in church & get her to the family room. I did not take Alice to her to her room. Alice of course wanted her room.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>The postlude sounded almost made me want to sing \"la la la la bamna\" I told Lidia about it in an approving sort of way. Gene (Gene the singing machine) told me I should sing at lunch- so I did... Heh heh.. Beatles was being played in the dining room & I sang along. She rolled her eyes & told me to stop.. I said to be careful what you ask for. Heh heh.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I had lunch, sat with Lina outside then later with susan maybe longer than volunteer duty as she came in to ask me to help gather for music. It was Caleb & Tirzah . I'm glad for the residents -fewer \"got\" to go.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>My ears literally hurt- Stephany left - I helped her back to her room. She said she didn't want to encourage them to come back, by staying. I'm actually thinking of telling Riley I can't stay on Sundays when they perform..\u003C/p>\u003Cp>hehehe.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsha had a rough day on the road ina low speed chase she did, after being blatantly cut off. Said this Ahole blazes out in front of her, then slowed way down. .she put on the hazards & matched his speed\u003C/p>\u003Cp>wn to 25mph. He finally pulled off.. she had a good afternoon @ Harrison House shown the latest projects & talked about going to iowa we changed the lamps in the hall.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Her and RCB talked about a trip to Iowa. She tossed dates around -& talked about how it may affect her coworkers. I encouraged her to take as much time & when. Coworker can figure it out. I said I did not want to go since I'd feel like a 3rd wheel, or something .\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>At home we showered - I got off using the shower head. Like really really good. Drank beer and watched top gear. I had one beer\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Marsh had three .I just decided to get to Walmart & buy like 5 boxes of soft cookies tomorrow.. tell her she likes beer I like cookies\u003C/p>\u003Cp>Life has become non-stop TV when Marsha is home. Literally. Non-stop\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I somehow pisses Marsh off by \"getting in her way, \" then explaining what I got done. Marsh is not a happy drunk, that's for sure. Me opting out of Iowa is maybe a very bad idea ... Very bad sleep was average.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>7 Monday\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I was awake before the alarm, had to poop. Morning was pretty average, I sent Marsh on her way with a nice note. At the stoplight she apparently ran it. I hadn't noticed. She called to point it out. I walked toward Spring Creek Trail, after getting past lemay, I noticed what looked like flashlights in the tunnel.\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>I went about halfway to the tunnel & turned around.. could have been nothing but didn't want to find out firsthand. When I got home,I started 47, and sent a good luck message to M& a note to see if cat can be watched -very mins out of the blue. Saying I'll go to Iowa. How me being uncomfortable is a good reason.. I hope she lied to RCB about my reasons. Hopefully they can haul less shit home I've had a couple of shots .\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>\u003Cp>\u003Cbr>\u003C/p>","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":2,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/e5a4c2-where-i-put-it-lost-items/","title":"Where I Put It- lost items?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2241,"name":"Anxiety and phobias","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"12872504923641492766","tracking_id":"12872504923641492766","slug":"jrnl-resolving-my-transportation-dilemma","class":"jrnl","created":"2018-08-07T06:20:56Z","active":"2018-08-07T06:20:56Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"ConfusedandAlone","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"So I just got finished having a not so nice, long, hard, tearful heart-to-heart with my mother.... AGAIN. I have lost count of the times we have these long drawn out discussions that inevitably end in screaming. Hopefully this time something changes... not gonna hold my breath though. \r\n \r\nTo back up just a bit: \r\nAfter writing my rant this morning I called and vented to some more people and I had a lot of phone calls with a large variety of people. Surprisingly, I had a really great conversation with my brother. I finally addressed my guilt for taking advantage of his generosity and he reassured me that there were no actual hard feelings and it was all in my head. Considering the fact that I did not in fact make that up and my mother actually told me that my brother was mad at me for taking advantage of him I don't know for sure if I should call it a win or if he's just telling me what I want/need to hear. Either way my distant brother whom I rarely talk to allowed me to vent and cry to him on the phone and at least had the balls to tell me that I was being petty about mom's boyfriend and upon further reflection I have come to realize he was right, at least as far as accepting his help goes. I still feel that it is perfectly fine that we just don't click, but good news is that it seems like my mom might finally be getting it too. So thats at least progress. \r\n\r\nI also had a great discussion with one of my mom's really good friends from when I was a kid. She being a mother herself was able to help me really gain a bit of perspective to really open up a better dialogue with my mom. She gave me a bunch of great ideas about how to phrase things so that I could really get to the root of things with my mom. \r\n\r\nThen I had to go and talk to one of my other friends who is even more cynical and has butt heads with his parents just about as much as I have. And of course I got cocky and proceeded to write a letter to my mother that I thought was gonna be the perfect manipulation. I thought I was so smooth, just write her a letter telling her exactly how she made me feel this morning and how ok it is that I can accept her boyfriend and accept that he's a good guy with out actually liking him as a person and how I really am appreciative of all they've done for me and all they have offered to do for me and how I've come to terms with everything she said, even if the things she said and the way she said them was hurtful, she was in the end right. I had it all figured out. \r\n\r\nThen I went and woke her up and made her read it and everything spiraled out of control. It seems she did appreciate that a letter is easier to express feelings but the problem is that tone is not something you can properly convey through text. After reading my carefully thought out and tough but all together complimentary(or so I thought) letter she comes out of her room and starts going off on this weird tangent about my dad's final years and how hurtful his family was. I was floored and confused, I was about to interrupt but she asked to be allowed to finish and I acquiesced. I had no idea what my letter about how she had made me feel so small and how she had made me feel like such a failure but that I had talked it out with other people and had finally decided to agree with her had to do with my father's death. And she tried to explain but her explanation just confused me more and made me mad. That was when the screaming and the theatrics started. I will admit that when I have an argument with someone, or really whenever I talk, I do tend to exaggerate a bit, but usually for my own twisted sense of humor. Either way she hates it and it always backfires and I really need to learn how to think quicker and formulate actual arguments better rather than resorting to exaggerations of what I'm feeling or how I think the other person wants me to respond. Eventually we reached a point where I finally expressed to her some of the pent up feelings and resentments that I had regarding everyone's behavior surrounding my father's passing and I expressed to her all the ways that I feel like a failure and how I let him and myself and my family down. It was pretty cathartic but I will also admit that I was using it as a bit of a crutch because she JUST WASNT SEEMING TO UNDERSTAND, I just don't know how to act around them, her and her boyfriend. I want to give them their space to do their own things and I don't want to intrude and I don't want to watch the TV shows they watch and I don't like his sense of humor. She seems to draw parallels between his behavior and my father's and maybe its wishful thinking for her or its memory blocking for me but I just don't see it and it's not funny to me. Especially because a few times his critiques are against some of the things that I am watching and she says theres a parallel there with my father but if there is then its a negative behavior of my dad's that I blocked because I'm the type of person who prefers to remember the best times and forget the worst. SORRY if I want to have an idealized version of my dead father! I mean I try not to put him on some unhealthy pedestal, but is it so wrong to miss only the good parts about him? \r\n\r\nAnyway, we ended up discussing in a very civilized manner how she's been upset with some of my behaviors around the house: cooking late at night- which I stopped doing when she mentioned it weeks ago but yet she STILL brings up!!- leaving lights on, I swear it wasn't me but I promised I'd be more conscientious about it, and paying more regular rent. The last one still kind of infuriates me, not because I shouldn't be paying rent, but because IT HAS LITERALLY NEVER BEEN SAID HOW MUCH I SHOULD PAY OR HOW OFTEN!!!!! It feels like she's constantly pestering me to \"contribute\" but never specifying any amount or payment schedule. It feels like I'm paying surprise rent, whenever she gets a bug up her ass about how I should be more responsible. It's frustrating because I'm trying to budget and save but my own mother is springing surprise fees on me. Being poor is expensive enough without having a surprise bill on top of it all. \r\n\r\nIn writing this recap of our argu-scussion I realize now that the parallel she was drawing between my letter and her rant about my dad's final years was that I described all the resources I found to talk out my problems with. She was expressing her own grief and frustration about feeling all alone and not feeling like she has all those same resources that I do. That during that time she felt like she had to defend her family from other family members trying to attack her dying husband and that she had no one to talk to. Unfortunately, at the time that I was listening to her tirade I didn't realize any of this, all I heard was one side of a story that may or may not be true because I wasn't there and as much as I want to be on my mom's side she and I are very similar and I know how I can make up crazy scenarios that are partially just my own anxieties and fears come to life to fit whatever it was that actually happened. While I don't put it past my dad's family to want to whisk him away back to the nest, where they all feel safest in the final days of their brother and son's life, I also know that NONE of the parties involved are the most perfect communicators and I can imagine that there was a full Metric TONNE of catholic guilt and plotting on both sides and no real communication was going on. I do think I managed to get her to realize that she would be wanting to do the exact same thing that they did if it was me who was laying on my death bed and a significant other to me, who I wanted to be there with me, wanted to share the moment. While I was shielded from most of the plotting and the scheming and the craziness that my mom and brother describe I really still can't understand why they insist on holding onto such a grudge to my dad's own brother's and mother for wanting to be there for him in his time of need and how it must have put my dad in the MOST awkward spot because how do you tell the woman you've made a life and a family with that you want your mommy and your brothers around too while you don't feel good? And how do you tell your brothers and your mother that you want to be with your wife and your kids? I can only imagine that my dad wished he could be in two places at once and was so very conflicted and unable to console either side. \r\n\r\nI feel bad that my mom thinks she doesn't have these same resources and that she, for all her social networking ideas and her insistence that she's found and built a true home here in Texas, that she feels like she can't talk to anyone. I don't know how to help her, but I do know that I can't be that person for her. There's just too much going on in my life that I can't be a rock for her too. I felt like that's exactly what I was for her during high school, whether she felt that way or meant to make me feel that way or not, and it had a very negative effect on my mental health during that time. Because as much as she saw my discontent and my teenage angst at the time, it was just the tip of the iceberg and I was holding back so much more just to keep from tearing myself and the whole family apart with my problems. \r\n\r\nIn conclusion, it SEEMS like we had a productive and enlightening discussion but only time will tell if anything really changes. I know I can make a concerted effort to continue to not cook big meals late at night after I've come home from a late shift. And I can be more conscious about lights and dishes. And I can certainly TRY to spend more time with just her and to try to spend time with them together. And if I'm being really nice, maybe I'll have a heart-to-heart with her boyfriend and try to ask if there's anything else he needs or wants out of me as a house guest. But these are all things I can work on. I'm not entirely sure if we ever really discussed my problems with her constantly bashing through the walls I try to put up to protect myself. She did express a desire to accompany me to a counseling session, but a fear that it would be an attack. But after the realization I had I would really rather take my mom to a counseling session with her own therapist and try to get her to talk to someone about her own pent up grief and frustrations. Until then maybe I should just stop trying to set my own boundaries and, at least while I'm living with her and her boyfriend just try to be and do all she wants me to do, try to spend more time with her again and maybe then we can stop butting heads all the time.... Not gonna hold my breath though... It feels petty but I think I might have to start making actual written notes about the things she does that make me feel bad and just speak up about it... but then I'd actually have to feel things on a regular basis and that is really rough. I kinda prefer my cocoon of numb depression. \r\n\r\nCA","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":0,"url":"/m/ConfusedandAlone/journal/resolving-my-transportation-dilemma/","title":"Resolving my Transportation Dilemma?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"18177137184325296057","tracking_id":"18177137184325296057","slug":"jrnl-collecting-spoons","class":"jrnl","created":"2015-04-22T22:38:42Z","active":"2015-04-25T16:26:21Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/chantelr/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"chantelr","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I want to collect spoons. I want to collect spoons from each and every single state! Scratch that, I want a person in each and every state to send me a spoon! Write what state it's from, create something cool, I don't care. I just want a spoon from each and every state, I will put them in a cool pouch and that way then I will ALWAYS have enough spoons! :D Because when I get to the point where I don't, I can just reach my cool pouch and take on of yours! :D AWESOME RIGHT?!\r\n\r\nI think yes! So SEND ME SPOONS! :D I think though, I am so thankful it's not the fork theory! Can you imagine each and every time that you got pissed off with someone that says, \"you don't look sick\" you would just jab the jerk with a fork! At least with a spoon the worst we could do is leave a big welt. Have you ever been whacked by one? IT HURTS! Especially at top speed!\r\n\r\nI do need more spoons though. I don't have enough. Work has been really, really stressful. But I've been managing. We're now one month over my mom. Again, managing. I'm actually looking into a grief support group in the area. I really would like someplace safe that I could go too. Maybe that's what I need. As I was talking to my pastor and his wife, he said, that there is going to come a time that it'll just hit me. It maybe tomorrow, maybe a year down the road. But it's going to hit. So I need to be ready.. I guess... I don't know.. and it'll all fall back.. DO I HAVE ENOUGH SPOONS?!\r\n\r\nSo see, if EVERYONE sent me a spoon, and something difficult happened, I would just pull out my spoon and TA-DA! :D All will be well! :D Send me a spoon for good luck and a fork for the jerks... Hey?? What about send me some sporks! Then I could have the best of both worlds.. :D","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":8,"url":"/m/chantelr/journal/collecting-spoons/","title":"Collecting Spoons..","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"arthritis","group_id":200041,"name":"Arthritis","url":"/groups/arthritis/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"autoimmune-disease","group_id":200044,"name":"Autoimmune Disease","url":"/groups/autoimmune-disease/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"connective-tissue-disorders","group_id":200069,"name":"Connective Tissue Disorders","url":"/groups/connective-tissue-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"2083853948098915284","tracking_id":"2083853948098915284","slug":"disc-help-with-emotions-and-feelings","class":"disc","created":"2018-05-21T02:31:38Z","active":"2018-05-22T09:55:09Z","updated":"2018-05-21T02:37:10Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/Mari3456/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Mari3456","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I know I've had a problem for a very long time and it always has to do with my feelings especially anger. Lately, I've had more of an iron fist on how I feel and I'm always pushing my emotions away. I've come to a point where some people describe as emotionless or \"heartless\" which is of course not exactly true. Ever since the start of this school especially but to be honest most of my life I've always felt as if I'm being attacked and that I need to defend or justify myself. I'm much more hostile and aggressive to my friends and the people at my school tend to always have something to say about you or what you like and try to push their ideas onto you without thinking about their own actions first. It's definitely made me more prone to getting angry quicker or jumping to conclusions much easier which isn't ideal in my case. As a result of my increased hostility, I've also started attacking myself more and it's held me back from doing things that I want to do and I overthink all the time. I can't stop thinking and I have racing thoughts every single day. As a consequence, I try in anyway possible to distract myself from these thoughts and a lot of the time I'm a bit afraid to go to bed because I know they'll come back or before that I'll try to go on my phone until I'm extremely tired which could happen at any time whether that is 10 o'clock or 5 am in the morning. (I wake up at 6 am) And because I am so sleep deprived(although I've working on it recently) it makes it much harder to be productive and to concentrate and the racing thoughts sometimes get worse. Maybe I should have said this earlier but I've been on an emotional rollercoaster all my life and I have mood swings that can be violent sometimes. My issues with anger management have gotten better and worse. I get more fed up with the people around me every day and I try to push them away because I believe that once go to high school I won't care about them anymore. (im going to a boarding high school) But the thing is, my isolation and loneliness has only made it harder to come to terms with myself and do things that I could be capable of doing. I find myself saying that something doesn't matter or it doesn't matter how I feel about something, It's not going to affect me in the future whether that is a big decision or a small one. The anger makes it a lot easier to hold strong grudges against people for the smallest things and if my friends or family do something that annoys me I immediately think, \"I have to cut them off, they're toxic people\", or something like that. I just truly do not like the way I'm living and how I always feel haunted by my feelings. I just want to be a bit more stable before I go to high school and actually will have a lot more to manage. BTW I'm sorry to anyone that read all of this, it's an excessive amount but I kinda needed to rant so just excuse how long this is for now :)","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":1,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/help-with-emotions-and-feelings/","title":"Help with emotions and feelings ????","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["HotLady"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2256,"name":"Teens and young adults","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"6907936790316622168","tracking_id":"6907936790316622168","slug":"disc-what-do-i-do-i-guess","class":"disc","created":"2020-05-10T08:36:06Z","active":"2020-05-10T08:51:10Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"Cyn502","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"So this is my first time ever trying something like this... but at this point I’ve exhausted most of my other options. My name’s Cynthia, but I prefer Cyn. I don’t know the proper way to put this so I guess I’m just going to lay it all out at once. I’m currently a Senior in Highschool a week away from graduating amidst a global pandemic... and that’s probably the least of my problems. I don’t have the healthiest relationship with my parents. I used to have friends... but they have pretty much all left me or I’ve left them. I am in a relationship surprisingly... but I’m approximately 90% sure it’s a toxic relationship but I guess it’s rather hard for me to know for sure because that’s all I’ve ever really known: my parents are in a relationship only held together by what their religion tells them about how wrong divorce is. Yeah that’s another thing: I’m an atheist in a household of very... very religious people who don’t exactly see eye to eye with certain aspects of my life (like my sexuality to just scratch the surface of the iceberg). I suppose I should probably stop complaining about my life now, all things considered, there’s people out there who have it far worse than me. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I don’t know what to do at this point. My parents have taken me to therapists when my... situation... has gotten extreme, and I’ve been to two others on my own volition. One of the reasons why I’m here is that we live in such a small town, everyone knows everyone and I had an incident where I was... in trouble... for sharing information with a “trusted” therapist who was apparently friends with my parents. I’ve had pre-existing trust issues before this, but that event certainly didn’t help anything, and I may also have a mental health condition that I’ve never really spoken to anyone about other than my current partner (the potentially toxic one) and I really only have WebMD to go off of, but there’s so much fake news out there about people having it or not having it, I never considered bringing it before one of my therapists. I’m going to stop rambling now... I don’t even know if anyone is going to see this... but please... if anyone can shed light on my situation(s) I would be extremely thankful. I really don’t know what else to do...","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":1,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/what-do-i-do-i-guess/","title":"What do I do... I guess?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":1,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["mellow96"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2256,"name":"Teens and young adults","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"15376228961329316480","tracking_id":"15376228961329316480","slug":"disc-new-older-lady-help","class":"disc","created":"2018-09-07T14:54:52Z","active":"2018-09-09T18:45:47Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"SadNConfused71","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I am just looking for someone who might know what I am going through. I'm older, history of impulse control problems and mental health issues (self-harm, alcoholism, suicide attempts, dx with Major Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety and a history of Anorexia Nervosa) and now, an event has triggered something buried deep inside me for a long time. I start fires. Not big fires (I am indoors and being older, I have to be very careful when and where I burn so the kids don't find out), but small, contained fires. I have control over it to a large degree, and it is a struggle when the urges hit. I never know when or where...that part is scary. Nobody understands this, as it is supposedly \"rare\" especially in a grown adult--and a female at that. Help. I can't get help for this. I don't trust the doctors and have been called a liar and attention-seeker too many times to trust anyone else. Please someone tell me they know what I am going through?","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":6,"url":"/groups/mental-health-america/discussion/new-older-lady-help/","title":"New--older lady--help?","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":2,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["houseofwolves","sthatumatt"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[{"id":2253,"name":"Other issues","__typename":"Topic"}],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"10250938915976445798","tracking_id":"10250938915976445798","slug":"jrnl-getting-my-feelings-out-there","class":"jrnl","created":"2019-03-12T22:03:36Z","active":"2019-03-15T01:45:34Z","updated":null,"depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/assets/images/you-small.png","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"wiz1115","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"I'm feeling very depressed and lonely, so I decided that I'll just post my problems here to feel better. It's probably gonna end up being rambling, sorry.\r\n\r\nSo I am an 18 year old male in the last semester of my senior year at high school. I transferred school districts between middle school and high school, so when I started out, I had no friends. I'm in band and there's are great community but I don't have many friends. I have no one to share my problems with and it just gets stuck inside until I feel like I do now. \r\n\r\nBackground: I've had a lot of big things happen in the past few years. I switched schools and ended up with no friends. My parents got divorced. My dog died (I am only one year older than her). I told my mom that I don't believe in God. I've moved houses twice. There's a lot of small things too but whatever.\r\n\r\nAbout a week ago I felt very similar to how I do now. I've had chronic depression for the past few years (genetic), but nothing has ever felt as crushingly real as this. I literally went into my closet, found the biggest stuffed animal from my childhood and hugged it. I started bawling. I feel like I have nobody with me. Just the feeling of hugging something, anything, was so necessary for me at that moment. \r\n\r\nI have a few friends but I can't really share my problems with anyone. I can't share my problems with my mom because she will get extremely worried and would feel sad herself if she knew I was sad. I can't share problems with my dad because he is very religious and I can't handle having religion being forced on me anymore. I don't have any friends close enough to talk to about this stuff. I never have. \r\n\r\nOther than my social life, I am living a pretty good life. Good grades, no alcohol or drugs, etc. But I feel horrible. I just can't escape the loneliness. If I try to explain to someone why I don't want to go to prom because I have social anxiety and it would be terrifying, people are just confused and tell me to suck it up. Grow a pair. Put yourself out there. Gee thanks. \r\n\r\nI end up being depressed that I'm not going to prom. Then I wonder why I'm not like everyone else. Then I wonder whats wrong with me. Then I analyze my situation, which leads me further along the path oft being self critical and alone. It sucks and I hate it. I want to cry but if my mom found me crying I couldn't get out of that situation without telling her all the shit that I've been feeling. I don't know what to do. If anyone has help, let me know. Heck, even if you just want to talk to me I would love that.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":4,"url":"/m/wiz1115/journal/getting-my-feelings-out-there/","title":"Getting my feelings out there","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"SUPPORT","count":3,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":["Gaviota","mylifeisgood","charlie-2"],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"13546981140779882301","tracking_id":"13546981140779882301","slug":"jrnl-friends-and-followers-of-twenz","class":"jrnl","created":"2013-08-10T22:34:00Z","active":"2013-08-22T17:58:12Z","updated":"2013-08-22T21:14:53Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/GentleHuggiesAnnie/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"GentleHuggiesAnnie","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"{{{{{ Hey, Y'all }}}}}\r\n\r\nI'm gonna leave the older news at the bottom and add new news to the top so y'all don't have to scroll and hunt so much.\r\n-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWenz is going home!!! For all the details, see my Journal entry, \"Wenz is Going Home!!!\" that you can get to by clicking on this link:\r\n\r\nhttps://www.inspire.com/GentleHuggiesAnnie/journal/wenz-is-going-home/\r\n\r\nYeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!\r\n\r\nLove, Blessings, and {{{{{ gentle huggies }}}}}\r\n\r\nAnnie\r\n\r\n\r\n-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\n\r\nNo big news. I just wanted to let y'all know Wenz has had to cut back on using her neighbor's WiFi. Her sitting on his retaining wall, where she gets the connection full strength, is kinda freaking out *his* neighbors. A \"small country town\" thing, I guess.\r\n\r\nBut, her friend Brandi and Brandi's twin daughters (who are the ones who give her rides wherever she needs to go) seem to be keeping her busy. Y'know how it is... \"Sure, I'll give you a ride. But I'll have to pick you up an hour earlier because I have to (do whatever), so you'll have to come along. And, after that, we'll stop at the restaurant (name of her daughter fails me) works at and have lunch.\" Suddenly, the day is full.\r\n\r\nThat's a good thing, though. I'm sure Wenz is fighting boredom in the house. (She's watching old VHS movies, mostly.) When she's running around with Brandi (or whichever twin's gotten roped into driving her), Wenz keeps her eyes on her phone for an open WiFi connection.\r\n\r\nI do know that Wenz is feeling much stronger, even \"calling out\" someone (on a different site) who implied she'd caused her own problems and therefore deserved less compassion than those who are in pain \"through no fault of their own.\" (Way to go, Wenz!) Attitude is everywhere, it seems, but at least that particular insensitive clod's attempt to trash her is done and over with. Wenz stood up for herself, and that can do wonders for someone's self-esteem and strength.\r\n\r\nI know, too, that Wenz gains strength from this Journal entry and all your posts. How could she not? Y'all have been incredible, some of you not even knowing Wenz at all, and yet you send your blessings and best wishes and prayers. She (and I) can't possibly thank you enough.\r\n\r\nI think her next priority is getting her things (including bed) out of storage before she's charged for another month or her body gives out from sleeping on the floor. Which, BTW, she's doing with no pain meds (where she gets free meds doesn't do scheduled drugs). It would put me in the hospital cuz I'd need *serious* IV pain meds and the sleep I lost, tossing and turning from being uncomfortable. Wenz, though, is managing to get some sleep. Moving her stuff is up to her \"'friend with a truck,\" and he's said he'll do it, but I think he had to figure out when. Soon, I'm sure, as he heard she's sleeping on the floor.\r\n\r\nWenz realized her Auntie put the mail \"on hold,\" so she's going to have one of the girls take her to the post office to make sure she hasn't missed any paperwork about her transfer. I think she might get a P.O. Box for herself, so that *her* mail isn't on hold. They're pretty cheap.\r\n\r\nThat's all the news for now. Thanks again, and please keep your blessings, best wishes, positive energy, prayers, or whatever it is that you do, coming for Wenz. While it doesn't sound like she'll be stuck there til the end of the 45 days, even a week can feel like forever when waiting for someone else to act.\r\n\r\nLove, Blessings, and {{{{{ gentle huggies }}}}}\r\n\r\nAnnie\r\n\r\n\r\n-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nJust wanted to let you know I've been in touch with Wenz, who picks up her meds from CCM today. She will then have a full month's supply. Yeeeehhhhaaaaa!!! :D\r\n\r\nWenz sounds *so* good, even laughing this morning, not being around all the tension of her Aunt (and, of course, Mark). This, even though she's sleeping on the floor (which can't doing her body any good, though she's not complaining) and living in an empty house and \"jumping\" back on her meds after a couple days without (instead of tapering on, so she's getting *slammed* with side effects) and relying on the kindness of others, while the wheels grind slowly on the paperwork allowing her to move back home to FL.\r\n\r\nWenz is working on a friend getting her things out of storage and to the house, including a twin bed. She's got this \"friend with a truck\"... (LOL -- I used to *be* the \"friend with a truck,\" so I know how it goes.) She's sure he'll do it, it's just a matter of scheduling.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, if any of y'all hear something or another about posting updates for someone else or what's appropriate, don't worry about it. It's a non-issue. (I believe its being brought up at *all* had much more to do with imagined personal issues with someone I found it necessary to \"unfriend.\")\r\n\r\nPlease, though, if anyone ends up in this Journal entry that doesn't want to read it... please don't. You can use any of the menu items in the colored band or above it, or simply use your \"page back\" button in your browser. Also, if you've posted here and want to stop getting notifications, you can click on \"stop following,\" shown after my name, in your choices at the top.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, I know Wenz is *hugely* grateful for everyone's postings and positive energy. Overwhelmed, I think, too. ROFL... I kinda like the idea it rattles her cage a bit. But, that's because I love her to pieces and know she could use the boost. She's there for me whenever she can be, even in the midst of her own chaos. It's an honor to do this for her.\r\n\r\nHopefully more good news next time...\r\n\r\nLove, Blessings, and {{{{{ gentle huggies }}}}}\r\n\r\nAnnie\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nI have to apologize to y'all. Wenz called with her news of the day while I was going through my bedtime routine. I'm one of those people that *won't* sleep if I don't follow my routine, and sleep is a *huge* issue for me. So, I held off posting until this morning.\r\n\r\nWenz had all *kinds* of good news. First, when she was at the ER to get meds, not only did she get an \"indigent supply\" that will last til she gets her free meds from CCM, but they dosed her at the hospital so she wouldn't have to fill the Rx's in the middle of the night (which it was by the time she got out of there). She spent the night at her friend Brandi's, and they did running on Tues. She's filled the ER Rx's, and has already been to CCM to drop off her refills, which she'll be able to pick up Thurs.\r\n\r\nHer Dad is out of the hospital. It turns out he was super dehydrated, which is why he wasn't urinating. They had to completely rehydrate him. He is still having blinding flashes of light in his eye, and Wenz says he's got about three appointments he's to make to cover all the bases. It turns out, too, that there *is* some plaque in his carotid artery, but the risk of doing anything outweighs the reward.\r\n\r\nWenz also had good news on the \"moving to FL\" front. Cindy, her stepmother, heard from a County Probation Officer in FL, to see if it was going to be OK for Wenz to be living there. That's a good indication of the progress they're making on her transfer, and Wenz is thinking it may happen a lot faster than the several weeks she says they have left in which to respond to NC.\r\n\r\nWenz is working on plans to get her things from storage, which ended up not fitting in the UHaul, to the house. She not only doesn't want to have to pay another month's storage, but there's a twin bed in it that would get her up off the floor. She's got a friend with a truck that (I think) Brandi also knows and is going to ask this morning if maybe he can move her things this weekend. It might not happen then, but she's sure he'll find time in his schedule sometime soon to move her things.\r\n\r\nMeanwhile, she's got food (and Pepsi!) in the house, she's on her meds, she's got cigs, her friend (and her friend's daughters) are willing to run her where she needs to go, and she can make calls when she's in range of her neighbor's WiFi (or running around, she also checks for open WiFi's she can use). The twins (Brandi's daughters) even had a crate of VHS tapes, so Wenz can follow *her* bedtime routine, which includes falling asleep to the TV. (It was \"Jungle Book\" last night. Disney tapes, mostly, she said.) Plus, she has something to do if she gets bored. And Ginger, her stepmom's partner, is even taking her mini-schnauzer (and baby) Biscuit to the groomer today when she takes her own dog. Wenz hasn't been able to afford grooming for a while, and is very grateful. I told her she'll have to post new pics when she gets back to FL. :)\r\n\r\nI think that's everything she told me last night. I was a bit groggy, but if I forgot anything, it must be something minor because, all things considered, Wenz is doing well. She's even said she's *not* going to clean the house as she didn't leave it a mess. All she's going to do is vacuum for the carpet cleaners that are coming today.\r\n\r\n--Wenz just called while I was typing! She's tired, but that's a side effect of going back on her meds. Even though she was going to go back to sleep, she sounded good. With all she's had to worry about, I think she's finally relaxed.\r\n\r\nShe said to make sure to thank everyone so very much for caring and all the positive energy you're sending her. She also sends everyone her love.\r\n\r\n'Til next time...\r\n\r\nLove, Blessings, and {{{{{ gentle huggies }}}}}\r\n\r\nAnnie\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWell, the things that fell into place for Wenz to get back to NC worked like a charm. In fact, her cousin Amber, who drove her from the airport to the house, donated some things that Wenz hadn't thought about, like sheets, towels, pans, dishes. (She wanted to keep her luggage to a carryon and GH Bear, so packed very little... \"omigawd... 2 pair of shoes!\" LOL)\r\n\r\nWhen she called me, she was at the ER to try to get an \"indigent supply\" of her meds as she hasn't slept since Saturday night or so, since she ran out of her night meds. We were on the phone when she was called to go back, so I don't know the outcome of that yet, but I don't think it's been a problem in the past.\r\n\r\nThere's a bit of good news about her Dad. Apparently an idiot read the pics of his carotid because they were re-read and nothing was found to be wrong. However, the meds aren't yet restarting his kidneys, and there's still no explanation for the blinding flashes of light he's still getting in one eye.\r\n\r\nJust before she left FL, her Auntie made Wenz responsible for cleaning her house while she's there (she didn't ask, she told her), and Wenz says it's an awful mess. And, it was thought Ashley hand't moved her things out yet so she'd have a bed to sleep in, but most of Ashley's things have been moved out, including the bed. \r\n\r\nMost other stuff is more annoying than serious. The TV Ashley left behind won't pick anything up, and Ashley took all the VHS tapes it plays. The neighbor has no problem with Wenz using their WiFi, but it's on the far side of his house. She has to go from her house, past her garage, past *his* garage, and then past his house before she gets a signal. She's not even sure she has paper and pen. So, she's facing *lots* of boredom. She does have the music on her phone (which I think is 700 songs or so), which help relax her and sleep at night.\r\n\r\nWenz is in it for the long haul, having talked to her Probation Officer once, and leaving one message. She didn't give Wenz much hope, other than praying FL moves it along more quickly than the full 45 days (which I think she said is down to about 30 now? Not sure on that one).\r\n\r\nShe still needs all the positive energy, blessings, best wishes, prayers, and whatever else it is that each of you might do, as does her Dad with his kidneys still shut down.\r\n\r\nWenz said she had a quick chance to glance at the replies here (which I've read to her), and she is *so* moved by all the lovingkindness in your replies. IMHO, Wenz deserves every good thought, positive outcome, and blessing that comes her way. I can honestly say that I've never let *anyone* in so close so fast before, and if you know me at all, you'll know that's saying a *lot*. The crises she's been through lately have truly been turning points in her life because she's *chosen* to make them so, which is a very courageous choice. Even in the midst of this nonsense with FL, she's maintaining that all things happen for a reason, and she believes all the energy we're sending her is working.\r\n\r\nWell, I've delayed as long as I can. I was hoping she'd call back with news about the \"indigent supply\" of meds, but my eyelids are drooping and I'm yawning, and I'm known to have fallen asleep on the keyboard before, so I'd better post this now.\r\n\r\nLove, Blessings, and {{{{{ gentle huggies }}}}}\r\n\r\nAnnie\r\n\r\n\r\n\r\n-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\r\nWenz has asked me to post for her, so that y'all will be caught up with what's going on.\r\n\r\nShe had an incredible couple of days when she first got home to FL, mostly spending time on the beaches with friends. Her family was *thrilled* when she arrived, and she got all *kinds* of hugs.\r\n\r\nUnfortunately (and nobody understands why), FL *denied* her request to be able to move to FL in 7 days, rather than the standard 45, finding \"no compelling reason\" to approve it. Now, her Aunt's moved everything out of the house in NC, and there's only water and electric. But, this is where Wenz will be staying until she hears more from her Probation Officer.\r\n\r\nEven worse, after all three kids got together and took their Dad out for his 65th birthday, he started \"not feeling good\" and asked to go to the hospital. He's previously had (I think) two heart attacks. That's not what this was--he said he saw \"sudden, blinding, stabbing lights in his eyes,\" so they held him over for a head CT. \r\n\r\nThis afternoon, Wenz got a call. After running all of the tests, they've found that her Dad's kidneys have shut down, and that he has an almost clotted carotid artery. They have him on dialysis and they're going to try to get his kidneys to work on their own again with meds, which has worked once with him before.\r\n\r\nSo... Wenz is flying to Charlotte, NC, on Monday, regardless of her father's health, because FL denied her request. If she's caught outside of NC, then there's *real* consequences. She's going to call her PO from the airport's Wi-Fi, but may only be able to leave a message. She's hoping her cousin will take her to the house in Hickory, where she'll have to stay until FL says she can return.\r\n\r\nPlease, lots and lots of blessings, good wishes, positive energy, prayers, and/or whatever else you might do, for our Wenz.\r\n\r\nLove, Blessings, and {{{{{ gentle huggies }}}}}\r\n\r\nAnnie","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":41,"url":"/m/GentleHuggiesAnnie/journal/friends-and-followers-of-twenz/","title":"Friends and Followers of tWenz (updated Thurs 8/22)","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"ifred-anxiety-and-depression","group_id":200040,"name":"Anxiety and Depression","url":"/groups/ifred-anxiety-and-depression/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"arthritis","group_id":200041,"name":"Arthritis","url":"/groups/arthritis/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"bones-joints-and-muscles","group_id":200052,"name":"Bones, Joints and Muscles","url":"/groups/bones-joints-and-muscles/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"chronic-fatigue-syndrome","group_id":200065,"name":"Chronic Fatigue Syndrome","url":"/groups/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"digestive-system-disorders","group_id":200073,"name":"Digestive System Disorders","url":"/groups/digestive-system-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"eating-disorders","group_id":200076,"name":"Eating Disorders","url":"/groups/eating-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mended-hearts-heart-disease","group_id":200089,"name":"Cardiovascular and Heart Disease","url":"/groups/mended-hearts-heart-disease/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"irritable-bowel-syndrome","group_id":200093,"name":"Irritable Bowel Syndrome","url":"/groups/irritable-bowel-syndrome/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"chronic-pain","group_id":200120,"name":"Chronic Pain","url":"/groups/chronic-pain/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"freedom-from-smoking","group_id":200127,"name":"Quit Now: Freedom From Smoking®","url":"/groups/freedom-from-smoking/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"sleep-disorders","group_id":200137,"name":"Sleep Disorders","url":"/groups/sleep-disorders/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"thyroid-diseases","group_id":200147,"name":"Thyroid Diseases","url":"/groups/thyroid-diseases/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"womenheart","group_id":200156,"name":"WomenHeart Connect","url":"/groups/womenheart/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"fibromyalgia","group_id":200192,"name":"Fibromyalgia","url":"/groups/fibromyalgia/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false},{"__typename":"Post","id":"11784461538762838612","tracking_id":"11784461538762838612","slug":"jrnl-the-dangers-of-artificial-sweeteners","class":"jrnl","created":"2010-10-08T12:50:50Z","active":"2010-12-12T09:42:05Z","updated":"2010-10-13T09:27:45Z","depth":0,"author":{"avatar":{"small":"/api/member/DrAliABYMuhammed/avatar/s","__typename":"Avatar"},"friendship":null,"site_roles":[],"nickname":"DrAliABYMuhammed","status":4,"__typename":"User"},"content":"Few of us are really aware of how many new Splenda® products there are in the supermarkets. We've been told that this artificial sweetener is different from all the past failures SweetN Low, Nutra-Sweet, etc. and according to the claims, that this Splenda is the perfect sugar substitute: as sweet as sugar, but no calories; as sweet as sugar, but no surge in insulin; as sweet as sugar, but no side effects or long-term health damage.\r\n\r\nThe wave is coming because low sugar or sugar free is the latest fad a welcome trend, given the health hazards of all the sugar in the average diet. But of the hundreds of new diet foods that will soon appear, most will use Splenda as a sugar substitute. This is important because for tens of millions of women, their diet soda or artificially-sweetened food is a keystone of what they think are healthy nutrition and food choices both for themselves and for their families.\r\n\r\nOn the other side of the argument are responsible experts who say that Splenda is unsafe the latest in a succession of artificial sweeteners that claim at first to be healthy, only later to be proven to be full of side effects. These authorities say that Splenda has more in common with DDT than with food.\r\n\r\nWhat do we believe? \r\n\r\nWe think that our regulatory system doesn't do a good enough job ensuring our long-term safety. Were concerned about the bigger picture, too the dependence on sweets in the American diet to make us feel good whether those sweets are satisfied by sugar or artificial sweeteners like Splenda. And we are especially sensitive to the women who can benefit from using artificial sweeteners as a bridge to a better life with healthier nutrition.\r\n\r\nWhat should you think about artificial sweeteners? \r\n\r\nWe want you to be fully informed about the dangers of Splenda (which isn't what food marketers want!) so you can make the best choices for yourself and for your family. So lets make sure you are.\r\n\r\nSplenda the public health experiment Low sugar is the successor to the low carb craze, even though they are essentially the same thing. According to the New York Times, by the end of this summer 11% of the food items on supermarket shelves will be labeled reduced sugar most of those targeted at kids and their health-conscious moms. Sales in granulated sugar have dropped four percent in the past six months. \r\n\r\nWhats behind this trend? Splenda.\r\n\r\nProducts featuring Splenda are perceived as natural because even the FDAs press release about sucralose parrots the claim that â€œit is made from sugar an assertion disputed by the Sugar Association, which is suing Splendas manufacturer, McNeil Nutritionals.\r\n\r\nThe FDA has no definition for natural, so please bear with us for a biochemistry moment: Splenda is the trade name for sucralose, a synthetic compound stumbled upon in 1976 by scientists in Britain seeking a new pesticide formulation. It is true that the Splenda molecule is comprised of sucrose (sugar) except that three of the hydroxyl groups in the molecule have been replaced by three chlorine atoms. (To get a better picture of what this looks like, see this image of a sucralose molecule.)\r\nWhile some industry experts claim the molecule is similar to table salt or sugar, other independent researchers say it has more in common with pesticides. Thats because the bonds holding the carbon and chlorine atoms together are more characteristic of a chlorocarbon than a salt and most pesticides are chlorocarbons. The premise offered next is that just because something contains chlorine doesn't guarantee that its toxic. And that is also true, but you and your family may prefer not to serve as test subjects for the latest post-market artificial sweetener experiment however unique. (See our article on endocrine disruptors for more information on toxins and persistent organic pollutants.)\r\n\r\nOnce it gets to the gut, sucralose goes largely unrecognized in the body as food thats why it has no calories. The majority of people dont absorb a significant amount of Splenda in their small intestine about 15% by some accounts. The irony is that your body tries to clear unrecognizable substances by digesting them, so its not unlikely that the healthier your gastrointestinal system is, the more you'll absorb the chlorinated molecules of Splenda.\r\n\r\nSo, is Splenda safe? The truth is we just dont know yet. There are no long-term studies of the side effects of Splenda in humans. The manufacturers own short-term studies showed that very high doses of sucralose (far beyond what would be expected in an ordinary diet) caused shrunken thymus glands, enlarged livers, and kidney disorders in rodents. (A more recent study also shows that Splenda significantly decreases beneficial gut flora.) But in this case, the FDA decided that because these studies weren't based on human test animals, they were not conclusive. Of course, rats had been chosen for the testing specifically because they metabolize sucralose more like humans than any other animal used for testing. In other words, the FDA has tried to have it both ways they accepted the manufacturers studies on rats because the manufacturer had shown that rats and humans metabolize the sweetener in similar ways, but shrugged off the safety concerns on the grounds that rats and humans are different. In our view, determining that something is safe (or not) in laboratory rats isn't a definitive answer, as we've seen countless examples of foods and drugs that have proved dangerous to humans that were first found to be safe in laboratory rats, both in short- and long-term studies.\r\nHere are two other reasons for our concern: first, in the eleven years after Splenda was put on the market, no independent studies of sucralose lasting more than six months have been done in humans. Second, none of the trials that were done was very large, the largest was 128 people studied for three months, making us wonder, what happens when you've used sucralose for a year, or two, or ten? Then theres the fact that Splenda, as a product, consists of more than just sucraloses made with dextrose, and sometimes also with maltodextrin, neither of which were included in the original studies and trials of sucralose. So the reality is that we are the guinea pigs for Splenda.\r\nAnd now, are our children the next trial group? Thanks to an agreement between McNeil Nutritionals (makers of Splenda) and PTO Today, which provides marketing and fund-raising aid to parents associations, your elementary schools next bake sale may be sponsored by Splenda complete with baked goods made with the product.\r\n\r\nSplenda side effects:\r\n\r\nEvidence that there are side effects of Splenda is accumulating little by little. Sucralose has been implicated as a possible migraine trigger, for example. Self-reported adverse reactions to Splenda or sucralose collected by the Sucralose Toxicity Information Center include skin rashes/flushing, panic-like agitation, dizziness and numbness, diarrhea, swelling, muscle aches, headaches, intestinal cramping, bladder issues, and stomach pain. These show up at one end of the spectrum in the people who have an allergy or sensitivity to the sucralose molecule. But no one can say to what degree consuming Splenda affects the rest of us, and there are no long-term studies in humans with large numbers of subjects to say one way or the other if its safe for everyone.\r\n\r\nIf this sounds familiar, it should: we went down the same path with aspartame, the main ingredient in Equal and NutraSweet. Almost all of the independent research into aspartame found dangerous side effects in rodents. The FDA chose not to take these findings into account when it approved aspartame for public use. Over the course of 15 years, those same side effects increasingly appeared in humans. Not in everyone, of course but in those who were vulnerable to the chemical structure of aspartame.\r\n\r\nAs food additives, artificial sweeteners are not subject to the same gauntlet of FDA safety trials as pharmaceuticals. Most of the testing is funded by the food industry, which has a vested interest in the outcome. This can lead to misleading claims on both sides.\r\nBut one thing is certain: some of the chemicals that comprise artificial sweeteners are known hazards the degree to which you experience side effects just depends on your individual biochemistry. Manufacturers are banking on the fact that our bodies wont absorb very much of these compounds at any one time. And many of us dont. But what happens when we are ingesting a combination of artificial sweeteners like Splenda dozens of times a week through many different low-sugar or sugar free products?\r\nPeople have been using artificial sweeteners for decades. Some react poorly, some dont the problem is, you never know until you're already sick. Scientists are calling Splenda a mild mutagen, based on how much is absorbed. Right now, its anyones guess what portion of the population is being exposed to the dangers of Splenda or already suffering from Splenda side effects. Until an independent, unbiased research group conducts long-term studies on humans (six months is hardly long-term!), how can we be certain? With all the new Splenda products on our shelves, it looks as if we are now in the process of another grand public experiment without our permission. And we may not know the health implications for decades. As with all things, time will unveil truth.\r\nSo I urge you to be concerned about the potential dangers of Splenda as with any unnatural substance you put in your body. And I am especially concerned about its use for children, which I recommend you avoid. But unlike many holistic practitioners, I do think artificial sweeteners can serve a purpose for some women. And that has to do with the old question which is better, sugar or an artificial sweetener? Lets start with sugar, where the problems all begin.\r\n\r\nSugar and insulin: the energy rush\r\n\r\nFor Example: Like Pooh Bear and the honey jar, sweet treats are the comfort food of choice for most of us. Usually we've had powerful emotional incentives set up in childhood like getting a lollipop after a doctors visit and most of us unconsciously associate sugar with love, pleasure, and reward. Why else would we call our dear ones honey, sugar,and sweetie?\r\n\r\nTheres an equally strong biological urge here thats hard-wired. Were predisposed to seek out sugar when we can find it. After all, sugar (sucrose) is a carbohydrate. Its metabolized directly into blood sugar, or glucose, which fuels our brain and muscles. The purer the source, the faster it gets into the bloodstream, bypassing much of the digestive process.\r\n\r\nEating sugar shoots our blood sugar levels up and triggers a spike in the hormone insulin, which is needed to prep our cells to absorb the sugar. If there are no other nutrients to sustain our blood sugar level, it crashes as quickly as it rises and we crave another hit. This is how sugar addiction begins.\r\nMoreover, sugar floods us with pleasure by stimulating the release of the neurotransmitterserotonin, and probably other mood-elevating substances. Scientists report that eating chocolate initiates a brain response similar to falling in love.\r\nAnd so our brains have learned over time to equate the taste of sweet with a rapid infusion of energy and pleasure a good thing when food was hard-won and life a battle to survive. Even now when we eat sweet foods, special taste buds trigger enzymes that prime our brain to anticipate this extra boost. With a balanced diet and a healthy metabolism, a calorie control mechanism kicks in after a few minutes to regulate the desire for more food, including the satiety hormone leptin. But with too much sugar, we eat and eat and cant get satisfied. (For more on this process, see our article on insulin resistance.)\r\n\r\nAnother big difference between prehistoric times and now is that sugar back then came solely from complex natural sources that had other nutritional qualities, such as fruit, honey, bark, and leaves. And because naturally sweet food is seasonal, ripening with the sun in the summer or growing almost exclusively in warm climates, it was relatively rare in past times.\r\nThe evolution of sugar\r\n\r\nOver thousands of years our bodies used naturally sweet food safely and efficiently in this way. But then what happened? As our knowledge evolved, we grew adept at refining pure sugar from its food source. Sugar became its own food group an empty calorie, devoid of protein, fat, or fiber but still relatively rare.\r\n\r\nAs shipping and trade routes grew, sugar became widely available. New refining technology put granulated white sugar on every table, replacing the more nutritionally complex honey, molasses, barley and maple sugars. These had been generally added to food after preparation or to taste during baking and preserving, not pumped into the food itself.\r\n\r\nEnter the modern era with its advanced food-processing techniques and competitive food companies, and presto! Refined sugar is everywhere and in everything.\r\nSugar is a food processors fantasy: its cheap, it adds bulk and texture, and it makes consumers prefer their product over a less-sweet alternative. So now consumers get sugar everywhere, from simple carbohydrates (so-called white food) to pure granulated sugar, and in other forms like dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, maltodextrin, and high fructose corn syrup. These empty calories take the place of real nutrients so while we eat and gain weight, were actually starving our cells.\r\n\r\nThe health effects of sugar\r\n\r\nWhat happens to our metabolism, on all that sugar? Remember, were still primitive at a cellular level. What starts out initially as a survival tool quickly becomes a crutch if sugar is easy to procure. A sugar craving (which is really a craving for an energy and serotonin surge) becomes a habit.\r\nWe unwittingly reprogram our biochemistry to perpetuate these cravings. Whats more, this process is exacerbated by stress because thats when your body needs immediate energy and serotonin. We often put our bodies through the binge crash cycle several times a day. Your fatigue tells you to have that extra cup of coffee or high-carb snack at mid-morning and again in the afternoon.\r\n\r\nWhen you look at the huge increase in sugar in our diets this past century particularly in processed foods you see that it marches in step with the epidemic increase in metabolic diseases. According to the US Department of Agriculture, the average American is supplied with 140 pounds of caloric sweeteners per year. Thats 43 teaspoons for every man, woman and child every day! The USDA recommends an average of 10 teaspoons a day for a healthy adult (still too much for most women, in my book). The biggest sources are the corn sugar and corn syrup found in beverages like juice drinks and soda.\r\n\r\nIf we really listened to our bodies, we probably wouldn't consume so much sugar. Our love affair with sugar has enjoyed a slow and subtle evolution with daily nudges from the food industry. But our bodies simply aren't equipped to handle such large amounts of sugar on a daily basis. Even in the short term, too much sugar can trigger headaches, tooth decay, and indigestion.\r\nOver time, your body loses the ability to make enough sugar-digesting enzymes to meet the demand, and sugar sensitivity develops. Women tend to notice this more during perimenopause, when excess sugar and other simple carbohydrates trigger symptoms of hormonal imbalance.\r\n\r\nExcess sugar consumption also upsets the balance of intestinal flora in your digestive tract and can cause symptoms of intestinal distress such as bloating, cramping, and gas (for more on this, see our section on digestion). Other symptoms of sugar sensitivity are headaches, insomnia, aggression, panic attacks, irritability, mood swings, and depression. Too much sugar can deplete levels of serotonin, the neurotransmitter whose deficiency is linked to depression. Whats worse, low levels of serotonin actually trigger more sugar cravings.\r\n\r\nNew studies in accelerated aging link elevated sugar intake with a process called glycosylation: proteins in our bodies morph into AGEs, or advanced glycosylation end-products, a kind of metabolic debris that collects in our organ, joint, and skin tissues.\r\n\r\nLong-term sugar intolerance leads to type 2 diabetes and other complications like obesity andinflammation. Drinking more than one soda a day raises your risk of serious weight gain by 80%.\r\nIf its a natural food, why is sugar so hard to digest? Again, its the sheer quantity not the substance itself that causes concern. Studies show that our bodies actually work harder in sugars afterburn to restore metabolic homeostasis.\r\n\r\nSo is it any surprise that we've turned to artificial sweeteners for answers? For women trying to stay healthy, artificial sweeteners can seem like the best of both worlds sugar without calories. But there simply is no free lunch. Artificial sweeteners can be just as troublesome, with one exception: sugar addiction those of us who simply cannot stop eating sugar once we start. In this case, artificial sweeteners may help short-circuit the dependency.\r\n\r\nAspartame and saccharin: are they safer than Splenda?\r\n\r\nAside from Splenda, the most popular artificial sweeteners are aspartame (and its cousin, neotame) and saccharin. Foods with these additives are marketed to women as low-fat, low-sugar, and low-calorie.\r\nDiet programs like Weight Watchers sell low-calorie foods that trade real nutrients for artificial ingredients, including sugar substitutes. I think its great to try and lose unwanted weight, but I question whether these packaged items should be marketed as healthy choices. Good nutrition needs to take more into account than calories and fat content especially when it comes to how many artificial sweeteners were eating and what were mixing them with.\r\n\r\nDangers in aspartame:\r\n\r\nAspartame, the main ingredient in Equal and NutraSweet, is responsible for the most serious cases of poisoning, because the body actually digests it. Aspartame should be avoided by most women, but particularly in those with neuropsychiatric concerns. Recent studies in Europe show that aspartame use can result in an accumulation of formaldehyde in the brain, which can damage your central nervous system and immune system and cause genetic trauma. The FDA admits this is true, but claims the amount is low enough in most that it shouldn't raise concern. I think any amount of formaldehyde in your brain is too much.\r\n\r\nAspartame has had the most complaints of any food additive available to the public. Its been linked with MS, lupus, fibromyalgia and other central nervous disorders. Possible side effects of aspartame include headaches, migraines, panic attacks, dizziness, irritability, nausea, intestinal discomfort, skin rash, and nervousness. Some researchers have linked aspartame with depression and manic episodes. It may also contribute to male infertility.\r\n\r\nSaccharin:\r\n\r\nSaccharin, the first widely available chemical sweetener, is hardly mentioned any more. Better-tasting NutraSweet took its place in almost every diet soda, but saccharin is still an ingredient in some prepared foods, gum, and over-the-counter medicines. Remember those carcinogen warnings on the side of products that contained saccharin? They no longer appear because industry testing showed that saccharin only caused bladder cancer in rats. Most researchers agree that in sufficient doses, saccharin is carcinogenic in humans. \r\n\r\nThe question is, how do you know how much artificial sweeteners your individual body can tolerate?\r\n\r\nThat being said, some practitioners think saccharin in moderation is the best choice if you must have an artificially sweetened beverage or food product. Its been around a relatively long time and seems to cause fewer problems than aspartame. I dont argue with this recommendation, but I encourage you to find out as much as you can about any chemical before you ingest it.\r\nArtificial sweeteners are body toxins. They are never a good idea for pregnant women, children or teenagers despite the reduced sugar content because of possible irreversible cell damage. If you decide its worth the risks, then go ahead, but pay attention to your body and your cravings. Once you start tracking your response to artificial sweeteners, it may surprise you.\r\n\r\nShort-circuiting the insulin spike:\r\n\r\nBasically, artificial sweeteners confuse your brain. The enzymes in your mouth begin a cascade that primes your cell receptors for an insulin surge, and when it doesn't arrive your brain feels cheated. Thats why most diet sodas are loaded with caffeine so you'll still feel a jolt.\r\n\r\nBut even if your brain is distracted momentarily, soon enough it wants the energy boost you promised it and you find yourself craving carbohydrates. In one study, people who used artificial sweeteners ate up to three times the amount of calories as the control group. But again, this is individual. It all comes down to the brains perception of calories, which can get thrown off whenever artificial ingredients are substituted for whole food.\r\n\r\nIn my practice I've seen that many patients are better able to break their addiction to sugar and maintain weight loss with the help of sugar substitutes. This is probably because insulin is not involved. Also, the substitutes are hundreds of times sweeter than sugar, so you may use less of them. In certain cases, I think moderate use of artificial sweeteners is okay â€” as long as you feel well.\r\nBut you should know that sugar substitutes dont have to be artificial. There is another way!\r\nStevia and sorbitol natural alternatives to artificial sweeteners\r\n\r\nOther countries and diabetics have both taught us a lot about controlling insulin naturally. For many years, diabetics have used products sweetened with polyalcohol sugars like sorbitol, xylitol, malitol, and mannitol. These are natural sweeteners that do not trigger an insulin reaction. (Xylitol can be derived from birch tree pulp.) They have half the calories of sugar and are not digested by the small intestine.\r\nWhile most polyalcohol sugars have no side effects, sorbitol is a natural laxative and can cause diarrhea, irritable bowel syndrome, bloating and flatulence.\r\n\r\nFor this reason, we recommend the herb stevia (Stevia rebaudiana) over sorbitol as a natural sweetener to our patients. Known in South America as the sweet herb, stevia has been used for over 400 years without ill effect. Stevia has been enormously popular in Japan, where it has been in use for more than 20 years, now rivaling Equal and Sweet N Low. Its 200- 300 times sweeter than sugar, so just a small portion of stevia will sweeten even a strong cup of tea.\r\n\r\nWe've known about stevia in the US since 1918, but pressure from the sugar import trade blocked its use as a commodity. Today stevia is slowly gaining steam as a sugar substitute, despite similar hurdles. The FDA has approved its use as a food supplement, but not as a food additive due to a lack of studies. Stevia can be used for anything you might use sugar in, including baking. It is naturally low in carbohydrates. You can buy stevia at most health food stores and over the web. There will always be those who have a sensitivity to a substance, but based on reports from other countries it appears to have little to no side effects. For women who want to move through their cravings for sugar without artificial chemicals, stevia is a great option.\r\n\r\nMore importantly, you can do a lot to support your body in other ways to reduce your dependency on sugar and sugar substitutes something I encourage every woman to do. Once your body returns to its natural state of balance, you may find that you can toss out those artificial sweeteners and put sugar in its proper place: where you have control over it and not vice versa.\r\n\r\nArtificial sweeteners are chemicals, not food! They have no calories because they dont nourish your body in anyway they're toxins your body has to clear, or, depending on how well you detoxify, store. But if you cant live without your diet drink, dont beat yourself up about it. Accept it and give your body extra support elsewhere.\r\n\r\nLiving the sweet life with better nutrition:\r\n\r\nAt our practice, we encourage our patients to build their snacks and meals from whole food, which means food that has not been processed and manipulated. Your food should resemble its source as closely as possible (e.g., fresh fish, not fish sticks). And this includes sugar. Even if you dont have a reaction or sensitivity to sugar, continue to use refined sugar rarely, if ever. Instead, sweeten sparingly with the more nutritionally complex natural sugars such as honey, rice syrup, molasses, and maple syrup.\r\n\r\nIf you already suffer from weight gain, diabetes, inflammation, chronic pain, migraines, headaches, or depression, you may have sugar intolerance. Check with your healthcare practitioner and try the elimination diet, eliminating sugar entirely from your diet for a couple of weeks, then reintroducing it for a day to see how you feel. Many of our patients are amazed at how much better they feel after breaking the sugar habit.\r\n\r\nRemember these healthy habits:\r\n\r\nTake a daily multivitamin to support your bodys nutritional needs.\r\nEat protein, healthy fats and complex carbohydrates for breakfast. Simple carbs and sugar fire up your insulin receptors and spark those sugar cravings. Starting your day with a sugary or high-carb breakfast dooms you to a day of up-and-down blood sugar levels â€” which will drive you to eat too much of the wrong things all day long.\r\n\r\nShop the perimeter of your grocery store avoid the processed foods in the center aisles. Read all labels and be wary of food that contains aspartame, neotame, saccharin, acesulfame K, or sucralose. No studies have been done on the safety of mixing artificial sweeteners, and who wants to become a living, breathing test subject. So if you consume them, do so prudently.\r\n\r\nMinimize or avoid products that have sugar, high-fructose corn syrup or corn syrup near the top of their ingredient list. Sugar can also be disguised as evaporated cane juice, cane sugar, beet sugar, glucose, sucrose, maltose, maltodextrin, dextrose, sorbitol, fructose, corn sugar, fruit juice concentrate, barley malt, caramel, and carob syrup.\r\n\r\nKeep a bowl of fresh ripe fruit nearby to snack on, to relieve your sugar cravings. Think primitive and eat fruit that is in season. The fresher the fruit, the more succulent and satisfying it will be. You may find you dont need anything sweeter!\r\n\r\nIf you are craving something sweet, dont feel guilty. Were often made to feel that avoiding sugar is only matter of willpower, but its more complicated than that. Most of the time, uncontrollable or patterned cravings stem from a malfunctioning metabolism or low serotonin. Work on healthy nutrition and you'll find your cravings will disappear.\r\n\r\nIndulge yourself sometimes. Remember, we have sweet taste buds for a reason. Try a piece of fruit first you may find your craving diminishes. If you still want a piece of chocolate or pie, go ahead! But savor it slowly like a rare treat you may not have again for a while. Once your brain is allowed to fully register the experience, you may find you're sated after a few bites. And, to help balance out the accompanying insulin surge, eat a piece of protein with it. Just make it a treat, not a habit.\r\nRemember that wine and alcohol are sugar. When it comes to sugar, having a glass or two of wine every day is just like a daily dessert.\r\n\r\nTake a short walk after eating and breathe in deeply.Itâ€™s likely you wont want dessert after all! And if you do, you'll appreciate it more.\r\nFocus more on what you'd like to cook and eat than what you shouldn't. If you listen to your body, it may surprise you with a craving for eggs, not a diet soda.\r\n\r\nFinding comfort in the right places\r\n\r\nAfter taking a closer look at what you eat, it may also be useful for you to examine the role sweet food plays in your life. This often ties in to deep associations and emotions buried in childhood. Perhaps you always crave sugar in the mornings because you associate family, home, and security with the pancake breakfasts your mother used to make.\r\n\r\nBut just as a pancake breakfast wont satisfy your emotional longings, fake sugar wont feed your bodys needs nor real sugar, for that matter. There simply are no shortcuts in that department. Facing what is really going on in our emotions, our bodies, and our lives can be challenging, and its tempting to take the easy out, buffeted by sugary treats and comfort food. In my experience, that path only leads back to the same place more pain, and eventually, sickness.\r\n\r\nSo I encourage you to nourish yourself from the inside out, with healthy food, self-care, and healthy relationships. In life there is bound to be some bitterness the secret is to restore enough balance to delight in the sweet.\r\nThe information supplied in this article is not to be considered as medical advice and is for educational purposes only.","is_bookmarked":false,"reply_count":6,"url":"/m/DrAliABYMuhammed/journal/the-dangers-of-artificial-sweeteners/","title":"The Dangers Of Artificial Sweeteners.","privacy":"public","muted":false,"cmnt_policy":"open","reactions":[{"type":"SUPPORT","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"THANKS","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"},{"type":"USEFUL","count":0,"reacted_by_me":false,"nicknames":[],"__typename":"PostReactions"}],"groups":[{"name_id":"mens-health","group_id":200105,"name":"Men's Health","url":"/groups/mens-health/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"skin-conditions","group_id":200136,"name":"Skin Conditions","url":"/groups/skin-conditions/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"diet-fitness-and-healthy-living","group_id":200180,"name":"Diet, Fitness and Healthy Living","url":"/groups/diet-fitness-and-healthy-living/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"},{"name_id":"mental-health-america","group_id":200202,"name":"Mental Health America","url":"/groups/mental-health-america/","topics":[],"__typename":"Group"}],"is_followed":false,"ti_followed":false,"sticky":false}],"__typename":"PostSearchResult"},"__typename":"SearchResult"}}}}</script></body></html>