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itemtype="https://schema.org/ImageObject"> <meta itemprop="url" content="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/etc/designs/telegraph/core/clientlibs/ui/dist/static/images/the-telegraph-logo.png"/> <meta itemprop="width" content="150"/> <meta itemprop="height" content="26"/> </span> </span> <article class="grid"> <header class="grid-col grid-col-12 article__layout article__layout--header "> <h1 class="e-headline u-heading-1" data-test="headline" itemprop="headline"> I’ve been having a secret affair for eight years… and have no intention of stopping </h1> <p class="e-standfirst u-heading-4 " itemprop="description" data-test="standfirst"> Hotel liaisons, horrendous guilt and countless WhatsApp messages - one woman reveals the truth about leading a secret double life </p> </header> <div class="grid-col grid-col-12 article__layout article__layout--header-meta article__separator"> <div class="article__byline-date"> <span class="e-byline e-byline--multi" data-test="byline"> <span 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itemtype="https://schema.org/ImageObject" data-js="article-body-image" itemprop="image" class="article-body-image section"> <meta itemprop="url" content="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg"/> <meta itemprop="width" content="1196"/> <meta itemprop="height" content="770"/> <meta itemprop="representativeOfPage" content="true"/> <div class="article-body-image__container"> <img class="responsive article-body-image__source" src="/web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpgimwidth=480" srcset="/web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=350 350w, /web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=480 480w, /web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=680 680w, /web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=960 960w, /web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=1280 1280w" alt="'Those eight years have been torturous and guilt-filled, but they’ve also been extremely happy'" sizes="(min-width: 1280px) 960px, (min-width: 768px) 680px, (min-width: 480px) 480px, 100vw"/> <button class="e-caption-trigger" aria-label="Open caption" data-aria-open="Open caption" data-aria-close="Close caption" data-js="caption-trigger" data-test="caption-trigger"> <svg class="e-caption-trigger__icon" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewbox="0 0 20 20"> <path d="M9.375 15V8.75H10.625V15H9.375ZM8.75 6.25L10 5L11.25 6.25L10 7.5L8.75 6.25Z"/> <path d="M10 1.25C12.3125 1.25 14.5625 2.1875 16.1875 3.8125C17.8125 5.4375 18.75 7.6875 18.75 10C18.75 12.3125 17.8125 14.5625 16.1875 16.1875C14.5625 17.8125 12.3125 18.75 10 18.75C7.6875 18.75 5.4375 17.8125 3.8125 16.1875C2.1875 14.5625 1.25 12.3125 1.25 10C1.25 7.6875 2.1875 5.4375 3.8125 3.8125C5.4375 2.1875 7.6875 1.25 10 1.25ZM10 0C4.5 0 0 4.5 0 10C0 15.5 4.5 20 10 20C15.5 20 20 15.5 20 10C20 4.5 15.5 0 10 0Z"/> </svg> </button> </div> <figcaption class="e-caption u-meta e-caption--has-separator" data-js="caption"> <span itemprop="caption" data-test="caption"> 'Those eight years have been torturous and guilt-filled, but they’ve also been extremely happy' </span> <span class="e-caption__credit" itemprop="copyrightHolder" data-test="credit"> <span class="e-caption__credit-description">Credit</span>: Getty Images/EyeEm </span> </figcaption> </figure> </div> <span class="grid-col grid-col-12 article__separator article__separator--hide-xs" aria-hidden="true"></span> <div class="grid-col grid-col-12 article__layout article__layout--content"> <div itemprop="articleBody" data-js="article-body"> <div class="html-embed section"> <span></span> <aside id="6f045da3-6bf7-4700-961e-90658c5388ba" data-data-uri="https://particle-api.eip.telegraph.co.uk/particles/6f045da3-6bf7-4700-961e-90658c5388ba" data-html-uri="https://cf-particle-html.eip.telegraph.co.uk/6f045da3-6bf7-4700-961e-90658c5388ba.html" class="tmg-particle embed" data-reg-required="false" data-reg-redirect="" data-sub-required="false" data-sub-redirect="" data-widget-type="embed" data-widget-title="Stella magazine promotion" data-widget-size="responsive" data-widget-static="false" data-expandable="false" data-embeddable="true"><a title="Stella magazine promotion" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20200216111122/https://cf-particle-html.eip.telegraph.co.uk/6f045da3-6bf7-4700-961e-90658c5388ba.html">Stella magazine promotion</a></aside><script src="https://web.archive.org/web/20200216111122js_/https://cf.eip.telegraph.co.uk/particle-embed/js/particle.js" defer></script> </div> <div data-test="article-body-text" class="article-body-text version-2 section"> <p>If someone dropped into my house on a Sunday afternoon, they’d find me batch-cooking suppers and chatting to my husband while we try to get our daughters off their gadgets. And yet throughout it all, I’d be thinking about when I could nip to the bathroom to reply to a text from James*, my secret lover. He’s 13 years older than me, and also married; I’ve been in love with him for eight years and I have no plans to end our affair.</p> <p>Those eight years have been torturous and guilt-filled, but they’ve also been extremely happy. I’ve found my soulmate, laughed more than I ever thought possible, had the most amazing sex and felt completely loved. Until I met James, now 59, I’d never known the feeling of being with someone who is always looking out for me, and I know I give him the same security.</p> <p>I’d been married for 10 years when we met through work. I had three daughters under six and I was exhausted and permanently anxious. But what made life even harder was that my husband felt like my fourth child. We’d got together in our 20s and he was fun and charming, but he didn’t grow up. He’s borderline <a href="https://web.archive.org/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/mind/miracle-cure-alcoholism-invasive-surgery-can-re-wire-addicts/">alcoholic</a> and won’t countenance AA or relationship counselling. I’m too worried about him having shared custody of our daughters to leave him because of his alcohol problem, and we can’t afford to run two households. In a bizarre way, though, our relationship works – the children adore him and I shield them from his drinking.</p> <p>With James, I felt an immediate attraction. He asked me out for lunch one day, the conversation flowed and halfway through the meal I realised I was holding his hand. It felt overwhelmingly right. I’d never had an affair before, but looking back, I guess I was craving something – or someone – to fill the emptiness of my marriage. After our second lunch, we kissed outside the restaurant, and it was only afterwards I realised we could have been spotted. Even so, when he suggested dinner and a hotel room the following week, I agreed and told my husband I had a work event. Getting ready that evening was surreal and I felt horrendously guilty. But since then the lying has become normalised – I see it as a necessary evil. We see each other at least once a week. We speak every day and WhatsApp constantly while at work.</p> <p>My guilt now is largely reserved for the five children we have between us. I know my actions are selfish and I feel for his wife, too. James says she knows he isn’t faithful, but is choosing to turn a blind eye. As far as I know, my husband doesn’t suspect a thing.</p> </div> <div class="html-embed section"> <span></span> <aside id="58be20e5-c201-40a8-8022-29bc4e9b2564" data-data-uri="https://particle-api.eip.telegraph.co.uk/particles/58be20e5-c201-40a8-8022-29bc4e9b2564" data-html-uri="https://cf-particle-html.eip.telegraph.co.uk/58be20e5-c201-40a8-8022-29bc4e9b2564.html" class="tmg-particle embed" data-reg-required="false" data-reg-redirect="" data-sub-required="false" data-sub-redirect="" data-widget-type="embed" data-widget-title="Stella Live Puffs" data-widget-size="responsive" data-widget-static="false" data-expandable="false" data-embeddable="true"><a title="Stella Live Puffs" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20200216111122/https://cf-particle-html.eip.telegraph.co.uk/58be20e5-c201-40a8-8022-29bc4e9b2564.html">Stella Live Puffs</a></aside><script src="https://web.archive.org/web/20200216111122js_/https://cf.eip.telegraph.co.uk/particle-embed/js/particle.js" defer></script> </div> <div data-test="article-body-text" class="article-body-text section"> <p>Four years into the affair, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It completely floored me and the only time I felt at peace was when I was with James. I had the lump removed and a course of radiotherapy. I’m now cancer-free, but in 2018, James had a heart attack. He texted to say he was in hospital and needed bypass surgery. I was beside myself, and the strangest part was knowing that I wouldn’t hear if he didn’t survive the operation. Hiding those emotions was tough – I was constantly on the verge of tears and yet had to behave normally. The relief I felt when I got his ‘I’m alive’ text was indescribable.</p> <p>I don’t know what the future holds. I know we love each other and want to be together, but I won’t risk my children’s happiness, so it won’t be for at least another eight years as my youngest is now 10. I don’t want to inflict pain on my girls, but life without James is simply unthinkable.</p> <p><strong>* Names and some details have been changed.</strong></p> </div> </div> <div class="article__end-meta"> <div class="article__related"> <div class="related-topics" data-test="related-topics"> <div class="related-topics__title u-meta">Related Topics</div> <ul class="related-topics__list"> <li class="related-topics__item u-meta"> <a class="related-topics__link" href="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/stella-magazine/"> Stella Magazine, </a> </li> <li class="related-topics__item u-meta"> <a class="related-topics__link" href="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/one-day/"> One Day, </a> </li> <li class="related-topics__item u-meta"> <a class="related-topics__link" href="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/marriage/"> Marriage </a> </li> </ul> </div> </div> <div class="article__social"> <ul class="e-social-share" data-test="social-share"> <li 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aria-label="Onward journey"> <div class="grid"> <div class="grid-col grid-col-12"> <div class="articleList section"> <section class="article-list" data-test="article-list-six-col"> <div class="article-list__heading"> <div class="article-list__heading-link-wrapper u-separator-bottom--loose"> <h2 class="article-list__heading-title u-heading-1">More from Family</h2> </div> </div> <ul class="article-list__list grid"> <li class="article-list__item grid-col grid-col-sm-4 grid-col-md-2 grid-col-12 grid-col-6 grid-col-sm-3 "> <article data-test="card" data-track="" class="card u-clickable-area card--feature-switch card--premium "> <div class="card__content "> <h3 class="list-headline list-headline--premium u-heading-7" data-track-wrapper="article-list More from Family"> <a class="list-headline__link u-clickable-area__link" data-track-block href="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/relationships/dear-richard-madeley-family-right-bar-cousin-mothers-funeral/"> <span 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u-order-first "> <figure class="card__figure"> <img class="responsive card__image" src="/web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=160" srcset="/web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=160 160w, /web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=210 210w, /web/20200216111122im_/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/family/2020/02/13/GettyImages-600768467_trans_NvBQzQNjv4Bq4hr7YXfavsn27ZwEDk_xaUCuNs3CfD5A0qHU8NgxYEU.jpg?imwidth=320 320w, 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class="list-headline__text"> War doctor David Nott: 'Most humans are good – but it doesn’t take much to push somebody over to the other side' </span> </a> </h3> <div class="card__labels"> <span class="e-subscriber-label " data-test="subscriber-label">Premium</span> </div> <div class="u-meta card__meta card__meta-stacked--m "> <div class="card__meta-wrapper"> <span class="e-byline e-byline--premium" data-test="byline"> <span class="e-byline__meta" itemscope itemtype="https://schema.org/Person" itemprop="author"> <a href="/web/20200216111122/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/authors/jessamy-calkin/" class="e-byline__link" rel="author"> <span class="e-byline__bytext">By</span> <span class="e-byline__author" itemprop="name" content="Jessamy Calkin">Jessamy Calkin</span> </a> </span> </span> <time class="card__date" datetime="2020-02-15T19:00:00.000Z">15 Feb 2020, 7:00pm</time> <svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" viewbox="0 0 13 13" class="svg-icon svg-icon--speechBubble card__icon-comment"> <path d="M3.743 12.19a.284.284 0 0 1-.004-.01l-.01-.027a.488.488 0 0 1-.01-.039h0c-.003-.011-.014-.056-.014-.114.002.05.038.19.083.276.112.12.395.223.536.21a.898.898 0 0 0 .2-.101.906.906 0 0 0 .054-.052c.03-.033.049-.065.049-.065a1.828 1.828 0 0 0 .04-.071l.061-.117.21-.411.635-1.254.637-1.263.159-.314h4.907l.146-.142.927-.904.151-.148V1.73l-.145-.146-.927-.936L11.281.5H1.688l-.15.172h0l-.001.002-.005.005-.02.022a15.148 15.148 0 0 1-.308.342 5.276 5.276 0 0 1-.504.494.961.961 0 0 0-.192.321.904.904 0 0 0-.005.037v.02h0l-.001.014v.067L.5 2.172v.624V7.433h0v.001h.5-.5v.208l.149.147.914.905.146.144H2.05l.15.294a1192.528 1192.528 0 0 1 1.27 2.506 70.464 70.464 0 0 1 .263.53l.01.022zm0 0s0 .001 0 0h0zm2.761-3.618a.195.195 0 0 1 0 0z"/> </svg> </div> </div> </div> <div class="card__thumbnail u-order-first "> <figure class="card__figure"> <img class="responsive card__image" 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